Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #4 – “Escape”! In the previous installment, Supergirl tells Superman to fuck off once and for all! She flies back to Siberia to try to find the pod she landed on Earth in. At the impact site, some douche named Simon Tycho contacts her via TUPAC HOLOGRAM and lures her to his fancy schmancy space station. In space!
There he does, like, two experiments on her before she starts tearing holes in the walls. She finds her pod in one of the space station rooms, but a mYsTeRiOuS sUbStAnCe on the pod makes her weird and sick!
Because it’s Kryptonite, dummy.
Simon Tycho is Supergirl’s Lex Luthor except he totally wants to fuck that shit. Gross! She’s too young, dude! Stop!
Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Escape”
“They took their best shot… Now it’s KARA’S TURN!”
Kara’s turn to what? Fuck some shit up? She already has. You mean she’s going to fuck more shit up? Excellent!
“Sir, we are already gigapascals past the ultimate tensile strength of any material known to science.” alerts Miss Thorn to Simon Tycho as they try to stretch the shit out of her superhero uniform. As someone whose actual job involves testing the ultimate tensile strength of metals, that’s pretty goddamned indestructible. Most types of steel don’t get much past 2 gigapascals before breaking. BUT, enough of my shoehorning of dorky knowledge.
Tycho is excited! He’s already trying to figure out how to replicate the material and make a ton of money off of it. Thorn reports no lasting damage to the station or The Brain (the weird humanoid jelly that Supergirl fought in Issue #3), so all’s well that ends well! “I think she’ll behave from now on.” Tycho declares as we catch a view of Kara floating in stasis within a diabolical space tube. They placed the Kryptonite pod near her, and all she can feel floating there is pain.
It’s pretty fucked up.
Hard to be guilty of transgressions when you’re floating in a tube all catatonic-like. Believe me, I know.
Miss Thorn asks what’s next, and Tycho’s got some plans for this runaway teenage guinea pig, but that will come later! Ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HAA! They walk away. They don’t laugh, though. I’m laughing. Because one of the soldiers that tracked Supergirl down in Siberia, the one who was lifted out of his metal suit by Supergirl, attacks a fellow soldier by the door that leads into Kara’s containment chamber. “Just hang on…” he says as he gets near her space tube and punches a few buttons.
Kara can barely keep her head up, but she recognizes him. “He must be here to finish the job.” she thinks as this guy lifts her out of the tube and carries her away. He tries to talk to her, but, of course, English ain’t her first language. “This isn’t what I signed up for, miss. I thought Mr. Tycho was a genius. Thought he was gonna help the world. Not torture innocent people.”
He helps her to her feet and they walk through the hallways of the station to the evacuation pods. She realizes that he’s helping her, but she can’t believe it! Why would anyone help anyone in this godforsaken hellhole? She starts to feel better as they move farther from the Kryptonite pod.
And that’s good! Because they run into Tycho and a group of gun-toting soldiers. So hopefully she has the strength to, like, give these guys the ol’ one-two. A nice Glasgow smile! A Colombian necktie! A Cleveland steamer!
Mr. Tycho is not pleased with this unfortunate scene before him. “Y’know, Jacobs,” Tycho begins calmly, “I love initiative in my employees. I really do, and you’ve obviously got that in buckets. But the whole ‘screwing with my boss’s plans for the future of the human race’ part?” Ha, well, the man makes a fair point, wouldn’t you say? Gotta carve into this alien chick to learn more about the universe, I always say! Tycho instructs his man to shoot Jacobs on the spot. And he does.
He died doing what he loved: getting SHKOWed in the chest.
Before she can even process what’s happening, Kara gets cracked upside the head with the butt of a gun and one of the men starts to take back to her chamber. That’s not going to work very well, though, since he’s pretty far from that Kryptonite. Suckers. She breaks the guy’s arm like a twig and starts running toward the rest with a new sense of reinvigoration! “Kal-El…or the man who claimed to be Kal-El…was right. I can feel the yellow sun fueling me,” Kara thinks as she puts on her best stern gonna-tear-your-asses-up face and then starts tearing up said asses.
She plows through the rest of the men standing in her way and runs off, leaving them all writhing on the dang floor like a pile of ninnies. Tycho struggles to regain his composure, and alerts Thorn that the “visitor is loose” (and the “visitor” is currently zipping around the hallways like a flying…uh, girl, I suppose). He tells Thorn further to put the whole station on lockdown and bring the “artifact” (dildo).
Of course, we all know that Kara’s going to beat these punks! For one thing, there are plenty of Supergirl issues left. It’s not like they’ll kill her off and put in Cathy from now on. ACK!
Kara zips to the tensile testing station and retrieves her uniform. Now the fun begins!
As she cracks heads and elbows necks, Supergirl feels powerful and confident. Who wouldn’t? She’s got a taste for blood now!
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Their bullets can’t hit what their eyes can’t see. Etc.
Tycho and Thorn are in an office using holograms to look for her, but it doesn’t matter. She comes to them crashing through the wall, making her signature entrance like Rude Kramer. Giddy-up! Supergirl floats there in front of them while Tycho stammers out a gambit: “Stop! Before you do anything– I have something you want.” he smirks fiendishly and holds up the “artifact” (dildo). Supergirl gasps.
“That’s a sunstone!” she tells herself, “Father must have put it in my pod! He must have put a message on it for me!” She freezes and stares at him. Tycho will throw it to the floor and bust the thing up into a million pieces if she doesn’t tell him what it is and how to use it. Ahh, Tycho you devil!
Supergirl brings herself down to the floor as an act of cooperation. Tycho keeps asking her questions about the object that she doesn’t understand anyway. He speculates that it’s a storage device holding plans for world domination, or perhaps specifications for a crazy alien weapon. Supergirl just wants to grab the thing when he isn’t looking and fly the fuck away, but she doesn’t want to risk destroying it in the process. OHHHH, THE CONUNDRUM!
Not shown: Tycho pointing to large diagram of the female reproductive system.
While walking down the hallway, Tycho balances the object on the tip of his finger like a crusty asshole. After fiddling around with it a bit, he claims to have retrieved coordinates to a place in space way, way, waaaaaay far away. Super far. You know where Mars is? Farther than that! Jupiter? Look, honey, we’re talking way farther. Uranus? I could go on and on.
This location is way outside the map. “I’m guessing that’s where you’re from.” Tycho declares with the most punchable face I’ve seen in a comic book thus far, and I’ve read seven Nightwings! Supergirl doesn’t give a shit, she’s still plotting how to snatch this thing from Tycho and break away from this shitty floating space popsicle stand.
Tycho looks her up and down some more with those creepy steel-blue eyeballs. “The thing is, you are much more interesting than anything on this crystal. I want to know your secrets.” Tycho wants to get all up inside her! Gross! He strikes a deal with her: he’ll give back the object (“artifact”) (dildo) in exchange for a drop of her blood. Sound cool?
And although Supergirl can’t understand a word this motherfucker is saying to her, she senses a big “screw this” moment and zaps the floor with her laser vision, right in front of Tycho’s feet, creating a large, round hole in the floor. “Ha! Nice shot! Might want to work on your aim, though.” Tycho scoffs triumphantly, but the wind is taken out of his sails when a panicked Miss Thorn informs him that Supergirl aimed right for the central core! Ha! Eat dick, losers.
Unless, of course, you want get seven kinds of fucked up. By my count, you’ve endured only four kinds so far.
Shit starts blowing up around the station; Tycho cowers on the floor. Supergirl grabs his arm, rips the “artifact” (big red Krypton dildo) from his hand, and warns him not to come after her again. And, you know what, it’s going to be pretty hard for Simon Tycho to even try because his big, ugly space station is going to blow to kingdom come while he’s still in it.
A still-panicked Thorn implores her boss to evacuate, but Simon Tycho ain’t letting some ANGSTY TEENAGE GIRL run the show! He’s never evacuated before in his life! Except his bowels, which he’s probably doing as we speak. Tycho thinks he can tap a few buttons on the computer to fix everything, but Supergirl did too much damage. “BA-BOOM”. That’s the sound of the space station exploding. “BA-BOOM”. We see a silhouette of Tycho getting dismembered, and then a shot of the space station going kablooey, and then Supergirl floating in space going “buhhhh” as she watches, like, four million people die because of her.
Supergirl’s like “oh shit”, but then gets over it quickly when she remembers that she successfully retrieved the sunstone (BIG RED DILDO). However, oh damn, there’s a crack in it! It must’ve happened when she crash-landed in Siberia. We’ve all been there, sister. I’ve broken quite a few sunstones in my day, crashing willy-nilly on all those alien planets.
She entertains the idea of asking Superman for help, but she still doesn’t trust him. So now what? Perhaps she can try flying home? Yeah, good luck. It might take you a trillion years. Pack a lunch.
Later, elsewhere, the very much alive and not obliterated Miss Thorn wakes up a sleeping, apparently not obliterated, Simon Tycho. She informs this living corpse that the station was destroyed, and he was severely injured, but don’t worry! They fused what was left of his body with the Brain! Cool, huh? So it’s all good! The dude looks like garbage, and that’s saying something because he already looked like a large pile of garbage to begin with.
Gross. He looks like boxing mannequin.
One of Tycho’s guard dudes is in the room, all banged up, arm in a sling, blood on his uniform. Tycho garbles a question at him: “You fuhhh… fought guh… girl… b-blood on you… your blood?” And the guard says “No sir! Negative sir! That is not my blood sir! I think it’s the girl’s blood sir! The girl bled her blood on me sir!”
Tycho starts snickering. This guy is all fucked up, missing an eye, has no penis anymore, and still thinks he has the upper hand.
“I win,” he manages to eke out, smiling, looking like a large pile of shitty stinky garbage.
Final Thoughts
This is way better than the first New 52 Action Comics storyline. Way better. Hopefully it stays that way for two more issues! Pressure’s on, Supergirl. Make me proud, son.
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