Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2 – “We Were Avengers”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Avengers World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2 – “We Were Avengers”! In the previous installment, a mean god named Ex Nihilo, who looks like a viking dipped in gold, is busy terraforming Mars even though his robot companion demands that he destroy worlds instead of build them.

The Avengers team flies to Mars to stop Ex Nihilo, probably because they think he’s actually being mean to Mars instead of being nice to Mars, and Ex Nihilo’s team fucks them up royally. They send Captain America back to Earth like a pile of garbage and keep the rest of the Avengers on Mars. So the rest of the Avengers might be fucked.

In a flashback, Tony Stark has a feeling that they need to grow their team anyway to face a threat that is a great magnitude; a magnitude hitherto unknown to Avengerdom! So Steve “Kenny” Rogers is going to work on that.

So let’s see him do just that. Maybe.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2 [February, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“We Were Avengers”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

This issue also starts with a “Previously on Avengers” page, rehashing a few panels from Issue #1, but the art is all blued-out to show, you know, the past. “We have to get bigger.” Yes yes, that old penis joke! I understand.

Mars! We’re on Mars!

Abyss is talking to her pal Mr. Hulk about the “learning tree” and what the “learning tree” is “teaching her”! The “learning tree” is “teaching her” that “Thor” is “different from the rest”! You see, the Avengers are hanging from the learning tree, except for Hulk — he’s Abyss’ buddy. Hulk says “rrarrrrr” in agreement to Abyss’ learning tree crash-course.

The tree can’t pinpoint Thor’s origins, as if he either doesn’t fully exist or he’s not from this time and place. “I haven’t seen anything this exciting in 100,000 years.” Abyss claims, “I think I found me a god, Ex Nihilo”.

Aphex the Friendly Killing Robot performs a diagnostic, which involves grabbing Thor’s throat and squeezing it for a bit.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Is this where you male humanoid gods keep your testicles?

Ex Nihilo is intrigued! He and Thor start chatting it up god-style about creations and apocalypses, but Thor wants to talk about boring things like Asgard and Odin. Ex Nihilo gets pretty impatient pretty quickly, and lays it down bluntly: “Listen closely, god. This is the true beginning…and this is how it all ends for your world.” Now it’s Ex Nihilo’s turn to be boring! Gods are boring. It’s like, stop godsplaining everything to us.

Ex Nihilo starts talking about the first race, called the Builders, who worshipped their godmother, called the Universe. But worshipping got old, so the Builders started creating their own destinies, and this also entailed creating “aggressive systems” in order to control space and time. How very authoritarian. One of these aggressive systems are these Aleph robots (“Gardeners”) whose purpose was to purge any species designated as unfit to inhabit the universe the Builders were building! Gardeners and Builders, got that?

It sounds like Alephs just destroyed everything for hundreds of millions of years. Finally, one day, at about 11:15am (Greenwich Mean Time), a simply resplendent, immaculate, perfect species was encountered by a single Aleph. Such a beautiful sight! This murder robot cried tears of awe-inspired reverence and delight! A species worthy of not killing, at last! So that Gardener released a Garden, you feel me? No two seeds that a Gardner carries are the same. Keep up.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Shut up, you look like a wrench.

I guess “releasing the Garden” means “taking out these weird black and white eggs I’ve been saving for an eternity”. The white egg had Ex Nihilo. The black egg had Abyss. And this Aleph’s name was…Aleph. They’re all named Aleph. This particular Aleph is their Aleph. I suppose that was obvious, actually. So, anyway, from that day forward this trio travels to inhabited worlds to either destroy them or cultivate them. Sounds like a tedious job. Maybe they should try reading some books or golfing or something.

Ex Nihilo might cultivate Earth some day! I mean, it’s not on his Outlook schedule, but he’ll think about it! But, after what he’s seen from the best that the whole planet has to offer (a guy in a blue chicken-feather suit, a big green dummy, etc.), he’s considering the alternative. And who could blame him? Fuck Earth! What did it ever do for anybody?

Flashback? Steve Rogers and Tony Stark and talking to each other again at the Avengers Mansion Room of Computers and Buttons. Stark suspects, and is probably right, that they’re both approaching this problem at different angles. Take, for example, expansion. Necessary expansion of the Avengers teams. Stark, knowing Rogers as he does, assumes that Rogers is thinking of expansion as a state of mind that other people need to be talked into to get onboard with. And Rogers, knowing Stark as he does, assumes that Stark thinks of expansion as a science problem that needs to be solved with tearing down an old “machine” and building a new one. And they’re both right about each other, those knuckleheads! Then they kiss! It’s cute. I won’t show it here, but just take my word for it, OK?

So they start building the blocks of this foundation. A small starter team. Captain America and Iron Man! And Thor, of course! Hawkeye, maybe, sure. And, yeah, Black Widow. OK. Hulk, really? Yuck. He fucks everything up! Plus, he smells. All right, fine, Hulk can come too.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Man, remember the good old says when Avengers wanted to actually Avenge some shit?

They run through a list on their Super Mega Computer 64. There aren’t many more options. There’s the tiniest air of apprehension in the room, IN THIS READER’S OPINION, but Rogers says they’ll make it work. That guy always says things like that! Classic.

Flashforward! The Avengers have assembled, and just in time for Parcheesi night. It’ll be about fourteen hours before the Quinjet is fully retrofitted to handle…whatever. Space travel? They both stand on a catwalk, observing a bunch of costumed heroes working like slaves to put together an airship, MARVELING, if you will, at the fruits of their own labor (drinking coffee at a computer).

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Why do you think I never joined the Young Avengers? No beer. Plus, I’m 190 years old.

However, all these people needed to be bribed in the first place to join! They bribed Wolverine with beer, Spider-Man with money, the Falcon with…birdseed (Steve throws that out there, but Falcon does it anyway).

They get Shang-Chi, that guy with the rings. Some dudes chilling on the beach named Cannonball and Sunspot who would rather be the loved Avengers than the stinky, hated X-Men. They get some guy named Manifold who doesn’t think he’s worthy in the first place.

They get a couple of feisty ladies, Spider-Woman and Captain Marvel, who needed no incentive! They just want to kick some damn ass, son.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Correct answer! I would have also accepted “possibly stoned”.

So that’s everybody. That’s a lot. That’s, like, five names I don’t know. I won’t tell you which ones (what’s a Spider-Man?!?!).

So, remember in Issue #1 when Ex Nihilo launched a plant-thing into space and the Avengers blew it up with the jet laser shooty beam bullets? Well, these weird plant things had been launched to several Earth locations. The plant-things were full of horrible, brain-sucking bugs! They got Kobe, Japan. They got Chhatarpur, India. Split, Croatia. Even Holjanmyar, Norway, with a population of one!

On Mars, a barely-conscious Tony Stark asks Ex Nihilo why he’s doing this, and Ex Nihilo is ALTRUISTIC so watch your pretty little mouth, Tony. This big yellow bastard believes Earth can be saved by his efforts, so all these “origin bombs” that he’s hurtling through space to land on Earth contain genetic code remapping viruses. Each one has been carefully picked and distributed to maximize Earth’s new potential. So, again, stuff it.

Stark calls this genocide. Ex Nihilo tut-tuts that word; he’s creating life, moron! Nimrod! Who let this guy here? HELLLOOO??! PERFECTING WORLDS OVER HERE! Now you’ve gone and done it. Ignorance!

Ex Nihilo is pretty repetitive about his insistence that he creates instead of destroys.

In Avengers Tower, the makeshift team is assessing the damage caused by Ex-Nihlio’s origin bombs. It’s not looking good. Looks like it’s the same thing that happened in Perth and Regina. Captain America is tired of hearing about all this. “I’m taking too long.” he tells himself, ready to KICK SOME ASS AND whatever else he does. Not much of a hobbyist, this Cap’n.

Captain America has the advantage, having been launched from Mars to Earth personally by Ex Nihilo, of knowing who’s been launching origin bombs from Mars (it’s Ex Nihilo). So he wants to get going on fucking his shit up right away. Wolverine reminds him that this new Avengers team has been assembled for all of six hours now, which is about 1/8th of the length of the Avengers: Endgame movie! Captain America says “tough titties”.

Cap summons Manifold, the guy who didn’t think he was worthy enough to be part of the team, and asks him if he can “Take Meta Mars” by the Flaming Lips! Manifold says that taking them to Mars will be simple! He throws a sigil of light in the air to prove it. I’m convinced!

Assemble the crew! We’re going to Motherfucking Mars!

Final Thoughts

This is pretty fun so far. Nice coming from Mark Waid’s Captain America, which has ZERO believable organic dialogue, to this. It’s actually kind of funny, like Joss Whedon’s X-Men.

So yeah. Good stuff. Bye.


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Guided by Voices, Blood Incantation, and Cate Le Bon

I barely made it, but it’s still Wednesday where I am, so it counts goddamnit. Here are three reviews for new albums from Guided by Voices, Blood Incantation, and Cate Le Bon. Now go to bed.

Guided by Voices – Crystal Nuns Cathedral
(March 4, 2022)

Guided by Voices - Crystal Nuns Cathedral

Keeping up with the sheer output volume of Robert Pollard’s numerous projects over the last 40 years is a full-time job, and I already have a full-time job! A full-time job that pays me money! So I’ve only listened to, and barely absorbed, a small handful of Pollard’s albums from the lo-fi years. Propeller, Bee Thousand, Alien Lanes, and his solo debut Not in My Airforce. So that leaves about 4,500 songs I haven’t heard before; nothing from from the major label era, let alone anything that came out this millennium.

So, why not jump in again in 2022? I’ve got a lot of catching up to do, this is pretty good stuff. Vibrant, melodic, indie rock music from the aging, prolific songwriter. I’m not used to Guided by Voices albums with less than 15-20 songs, so hearing all these tracks with fleshed-out structures and bridges and verses and choruses is, well, it’s unusual. Interesting and familiar, but unusual.

The mark of an instant classic is its repeatability. Every listen further crystallizes these fine, fine melodies in my mushy little brain. Power pop finesse of “Excited Ones”, the rhythmic cadence of “Bird in the Pipe”, the irresistible chorus of “Mad River Man”. Crystal Nuns Cathedral is akin to a solid, short-and-sweet album of the classic rock era. Time for me to start doing an extended Pollard binge, I’ve been neglecting all this music for far too long.

Early Verdict:

Blood Incantation – Timewave Zero
(February 25, 2022)

Blood Incantation - Timewave Zero

Now this is straight out of left field. Blood Incantation, the American death metal band that crossed over into the mainstream in 2019 with its four-track psychedelic sci-fi prog-flavored Hidden History of the Human Race, is now an ambient ’70s krautrock band.

Reportedly, the band had always intended this drastic shift in musical ideology. It better represents the music they’re fans of themselves: sweeping, minimalistic, electronic soundscapes. There’s also a part of that interview where vocalist/guitarist Paul Riedl gets all defensive about the possibility that they might upset their fans. “We don’t play games, man. We’re not here to just have fun because death metal is fun on the internet.” Strong fightin’ words! Go listen to more Enya, sir.

While lot of people are unhappy about the complete lack of alien-infused distorted guitar riffs and throaty, pummeling growls, I will never give any band shit for experimenting outside of its established niche. In fact, I welcome it. I wish it happened way more often. There are two vinyl side-long compositions here, “Io” and “Ea”, that pulse and throb and meander delicately through cosmic dreamscapes, exploring the lighter side of “dark ambient”. Porcupine Tree’s Steven Wilson would love this album, as it evokes Tangerine Dream or early King Crimson moods with pitch perfect resonance.

That being said, ambient music is still a tough nut for me to crack. Usually relegated to background music while I need to focus on reading or writing, this album will likely never get queued up for active listening. And, I might as well admit it too, I wish this was a death metal album instead. For what it is, though, it’s not too shabby.

Early Verdict:

Cate Le Bon – Pompeii
(February 4, 2022)

Cate Le Bon - Pompeii

I became a casual Cate Le Bon fan when she released Crab Day in 2016. Her jagged and oddly arranged songs with her smooth accent created just the right mix of delightful weirdness. Then Reward came out in 2019, which tempered the jaggedness, maintained some of the weirdness, and received a bit more attention and acclaim, but left me a little bit cold. Now there’s Pompeii, which all but eliminated the jaggedness and even lost a lot of the weirdness. It’s very subdued. I don’t know what to think. I’m conflicted.

I can’t fault on atmosphere. If the point of Pompeii is to be unsettling and wary, then Le Bon definitely nails it with coldly layered synths and saxophone that paint bleak, abstract portraits of brooding isolation. In short, it’s another pandemic album. And maybe I’m tired of pandemic albums right now. Maybe I’m not in the mood these days to contemplate over imagery and symbolism of an entire city disappearing under volcanic ash.

And even if the lyrics themselves don’t necessary present a prevailing anxiety of such doom and gloom (“French Boys”, for example, seems to be about issues of self-confidence), the hypnotically solemn music sure does. So perhaps it’s not the right time for this one for me. Although I do begrudgingly enjoy the lines “Get dressed/You’re a mess/You’re a sight/Did you dream about Pompeii?“. It feels like I’ve been dreaming about Pompeii a lot lately myself.

Early Verdict:


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Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Downtown Babylon”

* Part 2 of 4 of the Her Sister’s Keeper storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 1) Issue #2 – “Downtown Babylon”! In the previous installment, Selina Kyle is a young prostitute whoring it up on the mean streets of Gotham City. There’s also something about nuns, but I don’t care much about that yet.

After she was discovered out-cold in a rainy convent alley, a vice cop gives her the number of a man named Ted who is training her how to fight back. Meanwhile, Stan, her shithead abusive pimp, hooks her up with a cat fetishest and throws her a cat costume, WHICH BECOMES VERY IMPORTANT!

Since the events of this limited series runs concurrently with the Batman: Year One storyline, we see snippets of that as well: Bruce Wayne encountering Holly (and the first brief Batman/Catwoman fight) from Batman #404, and Selina/Holly watching the police standoff with Batman at the abandoned building from Batman #406. It’s the latter where Selina gets the idea to don the cat costume and deal with Stan. And that’s where we are now!

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [March, 1989]
Written by: Mindy Newell
“Downtown Babylon”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #2

“She has her revenge. But it’s only the beginning…” claims the cover, which also shows a smiling arms-akimbo Catwoman like she’s posing to advertise cat food. If revenge is only the beginning, what comes after revenge? PRO-venge? Preemptive revenge? Eek, outright villainy?! Heavens to Betsy!

“We be of one blood, thou and I.” – Rudyard Kipling

BOOORING! Kipling’s dead. Let’s move on.

Stan the Pretty Pimp kicks a cat on the street. Next, he’s wrapped up and bound by Catwoman’s cat o’ nine tails. “Nice outfit,” he says. “I wore it just for you,” she responds. And then she kisses his gross pimp mouth. Stan doesn’t seem very phased by any of this, but then she scratches him across the cheek with her claws.

“You cut me, woman. You crazy? Now I gots to teach you a lesson again,” Stan scowls angrily. Catwoman welcomes another lesson, but Stan hesitates.

Then she throws a dang trashcan at him, knocking him to the ground. Then she boots him in the face with her high heel. “Don’t kick the cat again, Stan. Ever.”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Ope. That’s awkward.

This is all happening in the alley behind the convent, the same location where she was discovered passed out at the beginning of Issue #1. The back door opens, and she is discovered (unmasked) by Sister Magdalene.

BUSTED!

The nuns now speak to Flannery about Sister Magdalene’s encounter with her long-lost runaway sister and the pimp. When Magdalene approached, Catwoman scurried away. Flannery asks why she would run away from Magdalene if Catwoman is indeed her sister, as she so eagerly professes! Magdalene responds that this is how she has always been: “She’s frightened, confused, embarrassed–”

Flannery questions the costume, but the nuns, being nuns and not police detectives, aren’t sure why a woman would be running around late at night in a BDSM cat costume, and therefore throw the question back at him. He takes a stab at it: This town is full of looney toons! Gotham already has this weirdo who dresses like a bat and beats up alley thugs. Now we have another weirdo who dresses like a cat and beats up pimps! Case closed, bitches.

Flannery doesn’t believe that Catwoman is Magdalene’s sister for some reason. And he’s all smug about it, too, like nothing in the world could be more outlandish.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

I believe the crazier part more than than the less-crazy part.

Sister Mary Elizabeth attempts to dissolve the tension by thanking the detective for his time, but Sister Magdalene jumps in and asks to talk to the pimp. “Sorry, legally couldn’t hold him,” says Flannery, “but maybe he’ll come to Bingo Wednesday night…” Magdalene pays no attention to the needlessly dickheaded police officer and vows to find one, or both. And she won’t stop walking the streets until she does. Flannery gets really furrow-browed and mean, and tells her to back the FUCK off and stick to praying.

Back in his pimp-shack, Stan the White-Faced Melting Pimp tends to his scratch wounds in the bathroom. With his hat off he looks like his airplane crash-landed in a pomade factory. “Hey pretty mama — Gots somethin’ for you — Maybe you like it — Maybe I share’t wit’ you — BCHOOO — BCHOOO –”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Son of a BCHOOO–

The “BCHOOO” is the sound of him pretending to shoot a gun. Most people say “bang”, but not Stan the Pimp Man! He’s got more character in his fishy limp dick than the rest of us do in our entire perfect muscular bodies.

In the morning, Sister Magdalene trots through Sleazetown, USA in search of a pimp or a whore, it doesn’t matter which! She asks some prostitutes if they’ve seen either with no luck. She bumps into Holly and asks her if she lives around these parts. To which Holly responds “My mother told me never to talk to strangers.”

At this point Magdalene starts pokin’ and proddin’ and interrogatin’, asking Holly how old she is and why she’s out here. Of course, that doesn’t work whatsoever, so Magdalene shows her a picture of Selina. Holly, presumably off-panel, goes “oh fucking hell shit” and kicks the nun in the shin and runs away. Presumably. Or I’m just being colorful. The very next panel shows Holly trying to talk to Selina through the closed bathroom door. “SELINA, she had a picture of you.” she tells her, but no response. Holly thinks Selina’s been acting really fucking weird lately, what with the Sex Cat costumes and the nuns.

Holly’s kind of pissed at Selina for spending all their whore-money on a new cat costume. Selina doesn’t give two shits, and she leaps out of the window into the night, leaving Holly whining at the window.

Cutting back to the Nun on the Street, Magdalene bumps into an irate Detective Flannery. “I told you to stay off the street, Sister Magdalene,” he warns her. Stan the Pale Ghostface Pimp-Ass Pimp is loitering at a nearby doorway listening to their whole conversation with interest. Magdalene stands her ground and dismisses everything Flannery has to say, including “the streets are mean” and “women shouldn’t be out here alone” and “nuns are better neither seen nor heard” and “damnit, Sister, get back to your nun-hole” and “hey, did you like those Whoopi Goldberg movies from the ‘90s?”. Flannery gives up and goes back to his car.

Flannery has a very FRANK conversation with his partner hahaHAHAhaha. Get it? Because his name is Frank! Ha! It’s funny to me, anyway. Flannery can’t put his finger on it, but something feels off about that nun. There’s something awfully familiar about her, he thinks. “Maybe you busted her sister,” Frank tells him, which gives Flannery his lightbulb moment. And that’s dumb, because Magdalene already told him Catwoman is her sister, so what the hell Flannery? This is what you get for not believing women, dummy. BCHOOO!

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Believe me, I’ve TRIED.

It’s nighttime now, and Catwoman is creeping in the alley behind the nunnery. Sister Magdalene walks out with a bowl of cat food. “You really have a thing for those cats, don’t you?” scolds old lady Mary Elizabeth the Mean Nun from inside, and Catwoman ops in to startle Magdalene by responding to that. “It runs in the family.”

“I’ve been looking for you.” Magdalene tells her. Yeah, ok, Magdalene, you went down one street and called it a day. I guess it’s been a while since these two have really talked, because Magdalene starts rambling about how tall Selina’s grown and how dad always said coffee would stunt her growth but ‘fraid not I guess and all that. Catwoman essentially says “yeah, heh, cool, ok, well, you found me, so…bye forever.” But then Magdalene tells her that their father died. He died two months ago of heart failure.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Like the Grinch getting a wonderful, awful idea.

While they talk, Stan “Freddy Krueger” Pimpman is lurking behind a wall, eavesdropping, looking gross as shit. Maybe he’ll make fun of Selina’s dead dad next time she gets a taste of the ol’ pimp hand. She did look rather unhappy, but she pretends to not be affected by the news. “Stay off the streets, Maggie. I don’t need you on my conscience,” she tells her as she climbs up a fire escape. Magdalene yells her warnings, that she can’t run forever, that she’s acting like a child. “Mom didn’t die to punish you,” is the last thing she says before Waxy Dick Tracy starts speaking behind her. “She ain’t gonna lissen, Sister. She gots a stubbun streak, ain’ she–”

And then Magdalene gazes in horror at the walking melted candlestick before her.

Flannery and Ted (Selina’s trainer) are wearing their classiest wife-beater tank top shirts today! As you recall, these two are buddies, and Flannery is the one who hooked Selina up with this guy in the first place. Ted throws Flannery a beer, and Flannery asks what he knows about her. As in, where can he find her?

Looks like ol’ Georgie Flannery is starting to connect those delicious little dots, huh? That probably means he’ll be dead soon!

At the Château de Putain, aka Selina and Holly’s apartment, Holly is rummaging through some stolen jewelry. Selina’s a little peeved that none of her outings are making the news. She needs to commit more visible and/or high-profile crimes! A knock on the door prompts the two to hurriedly stash their loot under the bed.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

I’ve got a good joke for you: a cop and a nun walk into a prostitute’s apartment…

Hi there! Is this a bad time? Just a cop and a nun out for a stroll! They’re here to ask about Magdalene. Flannery introduces them to Sister M.E., and Selina flippantly offers her some scotch. Flannery is not here for jokes! Magdalene is missing! And probably covered in gross pimp juice. Selina pretends not to know her. “Who? Oh, yes, the nun. I’m afraid someone has misdirected you, Detective. After all, do I look the type to consort with a Bride of Jesus?”

So, yeah, they get nowhere with this investigation. Mary Elizabeth and Flannery talk more in the car about why Flannery and Selina have already crossed paths, and Flannery comments that she was just as uncooperative then as she is now. He isn’t surprised, calls it “Jungle Law”. “Survival of the fittest”. It’s how they get through the day, see? So that’s why he wants to help her a little too? Is that so bad? Stop looking at me like that, you fucking nun. We’re all human! Stop it.

So yeah, Flannery is weird around the nun. “Okay. I confess. I’m negligent and cynical and a stubborn jackass and a lazy cop. I admit it.” And she just kind of looks at him.

Back at the apartment, Selina is beating herself up over the disappearance of her sister. The Sister. Her sister the Sister. “I let it happen…”

In the convent, Mary Elizabeth, hater of all things feline, tends to the cats in Magdalene’s absence.

Flannery’s beating himself up too:

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Go throw your wife around about it, fuckin’ cop.

The next morning, Selina (donned in a very conspicuous fuchsia wig) and Holly patrol the streets looking for the “right customer”. Holly whines and wants to go home. But, quickly, Selina finds what she’s looking for and gets in a car alone.

It’s some rich guy with a nice car who seems to already know Selina by name. As well as Stan the Smelly Pimpface. AHA, it’s Jefferson Skeevers! Remember him? The drug dealer from Batman: Year One who was going to testify against Jim Gordon’s shit partner? Skeeeevy, my main man!

Selina tells Skeevy-Weevy that Stan stole something of hers and she wants it back. She’s not scared of him, as Skeevers hypothesizes, “I can’t find him, that’s all. I thought you’d know. Y’all being such good friends and all.” She rests her head on his shoulder.

Later in her apartment, dressed as Catwoman, she’s about to head out when the phone rings. It’s Loveable, Huggable Stan! “You likes talkin’ to my man candy? Don’t screw around with my friends, baby…they’ll stab you in the back every time.” CLICK.

Worried the next morning, Selina literally prays to a cross necklace. “God — help her — …”

And also…

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

♫♪ I thought that I heard you laughing / I thought that I heard you sing… ♫♪

Because, just as Selina likely suspects, Stan is holding Magdalene hostage and tied to a chair in some unknown location. Magdalene recites to herself a Psalm, and Stan tells her to just keep on praying.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, this story isn’t half-bad. Obviously not the caliber of its Batman counterpart story, but I’m batting 1000 on 1980s DC so far, as far I’m concerned.

Too bad they never made a 900-issue Stan the Pimp spinoff. They would’ve sold like hotcakes! Just page after page of “I gots me a Swanson dinna fer two, baby.”


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East of West, Issue #5

East of West, Issue #5 – “The Lost Words”

* Part 5 of 15 of the The Apocalypse: Year One storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #5 – “The Lost Words”! In the previous installment, Xiaolian crushes Hu’s head like an egg with an iron hand grip and then chops off her father’s head with Hu’s sword. She’s a badass, yo. She runs the House of Mao now. Death eats out of the palm of her hand.

That’s really it. Half of Issue #4 was a battle between Death’s three-man army and Mao’s multi-million-man army, and Death fucked their asses up.

I have no idea what to expect! Unpredictable and exciting! Just like my erect [REDACTED].

East of West, Issue #5 [August, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Lost Words”

East of West, Issue #5

“Have you heard The Message?”

Ugh, no. Screw the message. We’re putting cover sheets on all our TPS reports now. Have you heard THAT message, jerk?

Chamberlain and a buddy are flying to a place called the Lair of the Beast. The buddy looks like Cowboy Dumbledore, aka Bel Solomon, who I was introduced to in Issue #2. He’s the “skeptic” of the “weird Message council”. Hu used to be in that group, but she, uh, lost her head.

Anyhoo, the Lair of the Beast is a place that Solomon had never been to before because, as he explains it, he thought he was too good for that place and better than everyone else. He asks Chamberlain how he can stand coming here, and Chamberlain informs him that he tries to visit as often as possible. You know, when he’s not banging three women at once. Which isn’t often!

“Born of the East, child of the West, the one true son of America.”

…k.

Back in New Shanghai, Death looks kind of sad! He’s just sitting there alone in the square. A wolf peers at him from a distance. A crow tells him “She’s here.” Death is ready for Xiaolian’s arrival. His pants are tight just anticipating it!

East of West, Issue #5

I’ll chain you in the basement, dear old husband of mine.

She approaches, flapping her gums about her family’s garden. “…for the last ten years I’ve called it ‘prison’. What do you think of my garden, husband?” she asks him sardonically, implying that she’ll be keeping him here indefinitely…if he stays.

Death’s all like “You can’t hold me, Woman!”, and then when Xiaolian tells him to go, Death says “…yeah, I don’t wanna.”

Death says he still doesn’t have what he came for. A wet dick! Ha! That’s probably what it’s gonna be. Death is a horny boy.

Some backstory gets relayed about Xiaolian, how she’s been a hothead her whole life, how she’s been trained to fight since forever, how she’s been a Warmaster since she was 16, how she was involved in a border conflict with Sonora (who I don’t know yet) that made her a killer since 20 (dishing out that good old TEXAS JUSTICE!). She won a battle that turned disputed territory into Mao territory, and on that day she killed 100 men! You go gurl.

East of West, Issue #5

When I was 16 I was downloading porn at two in the morning with a dialup connection.

So, in short, Death got to see her a lot. He was impressed. And she denied him, which defeated him, as was foretold by this bit of the Message: “A Lotus, of steel and without mercy finds mercy, and not for mercy’s sake.”

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED! They met up, one-on-one. He presented her with “the night’s crescent moon”. She presented him with “the night itself”. As foretold by the Message: “A Lotus, the death and resurrection of love”.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. What is this, the frickin’ bible?

Xiaolian tells his beloved White Groom that she is now formally recognized as Premier of the House of Mao! Cool, huh? The other nations expect her to follow in her father’s footsteps – being a pussy – she’s going to teach them all a harsh lesson. Itching for war, this young lady! Death promises to aim his guns wherever she needs them. Xiaolian, however, tells him that he’s been really cramping her style! So no! They’re gonna break up now. Bye! “It’s over. There’s nothing for you here. Things have changed.” she says, coldly, bluntly. It’s pretty sexy.

This guy, this Death guy, he starts putting up his defenses! “WHATTAYA MEAN NOTHING’S CHANGED? A BLOO BLOO BLOO!” he blubbers. What about their history? Everything they’ve been through together, baby? Just like that, it’s over? “Thought you’d be happy to see me.” he says. “You look different.” she tells him, simply, like she’s telling him that there’s mustard on his shirt.

“No, YOU look different.” he spits petulantly, like a child full of mustard! She tells him that she’s older now, and she dies a little more each and every day that she wakes up.

“They took your hands?” Death observes, FINALLY. And she’s like hell yeah, I can crush sisters with these! Xiaolian explains that she was able to replace what could be replaced, and it wasn’t enough anyway. “You healed,” she tells Death, “I got worse.”

Death apologizes and tells her that he loves her. She won’t hear any of it. This Death guy apparently wasn’t around when she needed him most, like the DEADbeat he is (lol).

East of West, Issue #5

You are DEAD to me! …so to speak.

We see some flashbacks of them together in the tub. Gross. Also, a panel of her pregnant and distraught. Also a panel of her giving birth. Double gross. Here are some words overlapping those flashback panels: “They tried to leave the world behind. Xiaolian, no longer a Death Dealer. Death himself, no longer Death. The two became three and the prophecy was fulfilled. ‘Of the third, but not of the three.’ ‘A cup, of a cup. A chalice, of a chalice.’”

Death admits that, yes, he really should have been there when she needed him, but he defends himself further by explaining that he had no choice in the matter. He was betrayed and he didn’t see it coming, so now he has scores to settle and wrongs to make right. When he found out she was alive, well sir, he made a beeline for her! Quite literally! I mean, that’s the only thing that I’ve seen him do so far in this comic book. Besides killing presidents, I guess.

Xiaolian isn’t accepting his dang excuses! It’s too late to make it right for her, and whatnot. She tells him, quite sadly now, that he made her believe that their love was a lie. Then he left. Then they came and took everything from her. They took her name. They took her hands. They killed their child. She cursed his name that day, and she curses it today! Curse! CUUUUUURRSSE!!

The they, of course, are the other three smelly Horsemen. When Death fucked off to whatever it was he had to do, they showed up. Now we see a little more of the perplexing flashback from Issue #3, where Hu and three unknown entities surround Xiaolian and fuck her shit up a little bit. The one who looked like a red Carmen Sandiego was War, who used to be a woman. That makes sense, War is always a woman in Good Apocalypse Fiction. In fact, Conquest (the blue one) is also a woman here. Famine’s a man. I mean, they’re not human. You know what I mean.

East of West, Issue #5

War is a stone-cold red hot bitch.

Hu’s wincing and scrambling on the ground with bloody stumps at the ends of her arms; Hu looks on triumphantly. As you may remember, Hu told Xiaolian to get out of her hole. Presumably, Hu led the horsemen to Xiaolian for religious Message reasons. Probably because marrying Death is weird and stuff. At that point, Xiaolian begged for mercy, and mercy she did not get.

“Never actually heard The Message, have you, Xiaolian?” Death asks her, but she doesn’t care about the Message. All she cares about was that one day they were together, and another day she was imprisoned in her father’s garden.

Death lays down the 411 on the Message. It dictates what the Chosen do, and guides the Horsemen. They can’t step outside of the Message’s…message. Death, being a Horse Man, takes his lead from the Message and what he believes to be true. And he believed that Xiaolian was dead, but their son should be alive. To Death, it makes no sense that the other Horsemen would spare her and kill their son! The Message requires him to be alive! The other Horsemen won’t – can’t – kill him.

I mean, duh.

“They believe he’s the Beast of the Apocalypse.”

And then they show an image of their son hooked up to all sorts of Matrix gobbeldy-gook! Wires and tubes and shit. It’s a real sorry state. The Lair of the Beast.

Bel Solomon and Chamberlain converse with each other at the LAIR OF THE BEAST. Solomon laments the sins of the both of them that have led them to this moment; he wanted to speak to Chamberlain since the rest of the Chosen are the true believers, and Chamberlain doesn’t like the implication that he, himself, is not a true believer.

Solomon starts pouring out his feelings about this whole Chosen business. “I never believed any of this. I joined the Chosen because I figured selling my soul was worth protecting my nation…” he says, regretting not believing any of it from the beginning. “…they’re actually going to attempt to manufacture the end of the world.” And, to this, Chamberlain’s all like “I know! Oh boy!”

Solomon snaps that it’s not funny. Just look at what they’re doing with this kid!

Look! They’re turning him into Young Sheldon!

East of West, Issue #5

Black holes! Bleep blorp!

After the machine asks him a couple more questions of philosophy, social politics, and literature, it asks him “How do you feel?”, to which the child responds “…I don’t know what that means.”

Solomon is crying! How sad! “I want you to help me stop them.” he says to Chamberlain, who likely has no interest whatsoever in stopping anyone from doing anything if it might mean he can’t fuck three women at once anymore! Solomon is being Mr. Morals and he’s barking up the wrong tree, man. Chamberlain asks him if he’s lost his goddamned mind. “Next you’ll be telling me how all men are created equal, and that the Japanese aren’t perverts. I’m embarrassed for you, Bel.”

East of West, Issue #5

I am simply erect with ambition.

Solomon is beside himself with shock at Chamberlain’s shitty attitude! “Are you really just going to watch and do nothing?” he asks his terrible friend, who argues that ABSOLUTELY NOT! He’s going to watch and revel in it!

Bel Solomon storms out. Chamberlain tells him to wake up and start playing the game. Solomon insists it’s not a game, it’s the world. It’s the world they ruined, so maybe they should try fixing what’s broken. Chamberlain laughs and tells him good fucking luck! He’ll be keeping a close eye on his futile efforts.

Back in New Shanghai, aka Xiaolian’s Playhouse, Death is trying to talk his beloved bride into joining him to find their son. She says no way José! They’re through! Done-zo! Her job is to distract the Chosen with the biggest fucking war they’ve ever been hit with. While she’s doing that, he can save their son himself. Or else! “If you don’t…if you fail…there’s nowhere on Earth you’ll be able to hide from me.”

Death is aroused, probably. He promises to save their son, and then he promises to come back to New Shanghai for her afterward.

“God help anyone who tries to get in my way.”

Final Thoughts

The story is unfolding like so many…uh…road maps.

It appears Death and Chamberlain have very different plans after all. I’m looking forward to Chamberlain getting his head crushed by Premier Xiaolian Mao’s crazy candy-coated hands.


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Sucky Funnies for March 13, 2022

Oh boy, is it Sunday already? What a fucking treat.

Todd the Dinosaur

Todd the Dinosaur - March 13, 2022

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Todd the Dinosaur has been around since 2001? How have I never heard of this comic strip before? Its debut in the newspapers the biggest tragedy of that year by a long shot.

What kind of dinosaur is Todd supposed to be? He looks like a shark with extra chromosomes. And, apparently, Patrick Roberts worried (incorrectly) that he could face hefty fines for name-dropping “The Batman” so he made the reference vague and, therefore, timeless! Remember when that kid shot up the movie theater during a screening of the Dark Knight Rises? I don’t think letting a dinosaur in a movie theater during a Batman film would be any less savage.

Andy Capp

Andy Capp - March 13, 2022

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Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to spend a quiet Sunday morning fishing, and the goddamned well-dressed vicar shows up to bust your balls? It’s like everywhere I go, there he is! It’s infuriating.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth - March 13, 2022

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Aha, remember a couple of weeks ago when Toby was inadvertently flirting with one of her students? Well, Helen the Miserable Tenured Shrew is here to project her withered, musty jealousy all over the place.

Toby is still playing stupid, or maybe she really is that stupid, but it’s clear to me that the last fourteen days of Mary Worth strips haven’t developed the plot one centimeter further in a forward direction.

I’m glad Helen is hep to the lingo, keeping the young kids interested in this ancient crumbling comic strip with a line like “I’ll say it again for the people in the back…”. If only there were handclap emojis between each and every one of those shameful words.


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