Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “The Avengers: Avengers World”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Avengers World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “The Avengers: Avengers World”! Trite, I know, to start off my Marvel NOW! journey with the plain-Jane Avengers series, but I’m gonna have to get to it eventually. There are 50 other Avengers series branching off from this one. Plus, Jonathan Hickman wrote it! He’s good. He writes the incredible Image Comics East of West series that I’m working on at the moment as well! So why the hell not?

I know I kind of just finished the first story from Mark Waid’s Captain America from 1998, which was really dumb, but here’s hoping that Hickman’s version of Steve Rogers has a kernel of personality. Capmania certainly didn’t take me over. In fact, I hate him even more than before!

Anyway, onward.


Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1 [February, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Avengers: Avengers World”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Going off the cover alone, it looks like we got Captain America, Wolverine, Hulk, Scarlett Johansson, Super Saiyan, Guy in Shadows, and then there’s a leg there on the right side. The Dream Team!

“There was nothing.” Panel of darkness.
“Followed by everything.” Panel of light!

The intro makes it sound like God created light. Then the Avengers. Then everything else.

And excuse my flippancy! The Avengers team here is Cap, Hulk, Black Widow, Thor, Iron Man, and Hawkeye. I guess I’ll find out soon why Wolverine’s fully on the cover while we just get Iron Man’s leg. Wolverine does what Wolverine wants, that’s for sure.

These first few pages catch readers up on what’s been going on in Avenger Town. Hyperion was rescued from a dying universe. The Guard were broken on the dead moon. Ex Nihilo terraformed mars. These are all cataclysmic events, sure, why not, it’s in all the history books! But there was an even more cataclysmic-y event that happened before any of those piddling events. Before the light, before the war, before the fall. And it started with two men…

Dexter and Jimmy Smits?!

No, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

I unironically think it’s fantastic that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers share a bed.

Stark can’t sleep. He’s been thinking about something Rogers said, and he’s been up all night working. He’s got a scary placid grin on his face. “So…this idea has been running through my mind. It’s overwhelming — all-consuming — and I can’t shut it off.”

We see a quick flashback panel of Iron Man finding Rogers frozen in the ice. Stark tells him that he hasn’t felt this feeling since that day. “You remember that?” asks Rogers, who seems to be currently underestimating his friend’s ability to remember a day when he found a man frozen in ice. “We started something that mattered. Because of you, the world changed. I changed.” Stark tells him, as if he was completely fucked up on drugs in the ‘90s and redeemed himself in the ‘00s by starring in major Marvel motion pictures! Stark leans in for a kiss, but Rogers denies him. AGAIN.

And the world is so fucked up, so full of dangers and villains and spooky monsters and ghouly ghosts, but good ol’ Steve Rogers had such a simple answer to a complex problem, even back then:

“We have to get bigger.”

Sexy!

So that previously mentioned terraforming Ex Nihilo guy? We cut to him, on Mars, one month later, working on his terraforming. He’s working on creating plants; some Mars plant launches some baby plant straight into the sky? Ex Nihilo points, marvelling at creation. His robot companion is all “ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! WE ARE HERE TO DESTROY WORLDS, NOT CREATE THEM! GET IT TOGETHER! FOCUS!”, but Ex Nihilo is done with that shit. He’s rather make things now, not tear them down.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my big, yellow butt.

Ex Nihilo is a naked gold humanoid with viking horns. He’s playing God and he likes it, baby! Don’t you care, robot buddy? Aleph?

A female humanoid creature named Abyss, emitting black smoke and speaking with black speech bubbles, tells Ex Nihilo that he’s wasting his time talking to the robot. “He has marked the world for destruction, and the Eye of Aleph will not be averted.” And, to this, Ex Nihilo puffs and pouts! He asks her opinions, and she certainly has them, let me tell you! Humans evolved to be self-aware creatures who built better and better tools in order to be dangerous jerks. “Building a better primate seems…unwise. Sparing them in any way…reckless.” she says. And I have to agree with Abyss over here! Kill all humans!

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

All my apes gone.

Abyss is using a nearby pond as a computer. She finds that, even now, as they speak, a team of Earth’s mightiest shitty humans is making plans to come over to Mars and stop them! Rude!

And yes, the Avengers are in a spaceship and they just shot down the thing in the sky that Ex Nihilo launched. They all pat themselves on the back like a ragtag bunch of arrogant losers, secure in the idea that they’re successfully sneaking up on these terraforming punks with mucho gusto. As they get closer, the team is puzzled by the greenery on Mars! Captain America, smart as a whip as always, says something to the effect of “buhhh, dere’s no treez on Marz.”

Iron Man isn’t surprised. The first two bombs that hit Earth (Perth, Australia and Regina, Saskatchewan, killing two million people) altered the biospheres. Makes sense for Mars, too. Sure.

The Avengers land on Mars, where the air must already be breathable. Hulk gets immediately trapped in a spherical…thing…that Iron Man calls a “null space/shadow cage”. Iron Man gets entangled in some rapidly-growing Mars beanstalks or some shit, which compromises his suit functions.

Ex Nihilo wants to play with the metal man! “Surprisingly, only three percent of sentient races have exoskeletons. Let’s peel this off and see if we can’t speed your evolution on a bit.” To this, Tony Stark says “NUHHH…” which I think means “ok”.

Hawkeye shoots some arrows at him and he stops. Petulantly, Ex Nihilo cries out that these Avengers don’t appreciate his efforts to make things better and then, like, breathes some fire on some of them like a dragon.

In the Sphere of Silence and Doom and Other Scary Final Fantasy Spells, Hulk floats around pretending that he isn’t scared out of his big, dumb, green mind. Abyss creeps down to his ear and whispers directions to open his mind to her. See, that’s not scary either, right? His eyes turn gray. His boner? Still green.

She tells him that Thor thinks he’s stronger than him, the Hulk! Stronger than the Hulk! It’s like, what! The Hulk is the strongest thing ever! “Only one person here who thinks you’re a frightened little child.” she coos in his mind, “Why don’t you show him how wrong he is?”

And then Hulk punches Thor’s lights out! Ha!

This version of Captain America has chicken feathers on his suit. He tells Abyss that she hasn’t won as long as he’s left standing. Which is true! That’s very smart of my old boy Cap’n over here! That’s a good lad. Then he throws his shield at Ex Nihilo’s chin. He goes “UUFFH!”.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Chumbawamba! Tubthumping! Sing along with me.

Aleph the Mean Robot catches Cap’n’s shield and tells him to yield. And that rhymes, we’ve got a real Jesse Jackson over here! Cap says “no”, so Aleph throws him to the ground like the chickensuit ragdoll that he is. He tells him to yield again, Cap says “no”, and Aleph probably breaks 30 teeth with one punch. He tells him to yield again, Cap says “uuffh”, and Ex Nihilo likely stops the killing blow.

“Enough, Aleph. We are in the Garden. And of this Garden, I choose not to waste life…I choose to transform it. To change it and give it purpose.”

Then Gold Viking, Mean Robot, and Smoke Lady all walk away, with Gold Viking carrying Captain America’s broken-ass body to the ship the Avengers came in. “We will use him to send a message.” he says. The jist of the message is something like “fuck you, Earth, you sent shitty heroes and we beat your best shitty heroes. Go fuck yourselves. *middle finger*”

The ship crashes on Earth, which flings Captain America right into a brick wall. This would normally kill anybody ever, but Steve Rogers lifts a lot of weights or something. He’s fine. They show him working on recovery in the Avengers Tower three days later and he’s just like “ow my side hurts a little” about it.

Meanwhile on Mars, or “Ex Nihilo’s Bitch Planet”, he has the rest of the Avengers hanging unconscious from those creepy Mars beanstalks.

Stevie hobbles over to his computer, looking at it like my mom looks at a RAR folder. “We have to get bigger” he says. To no one.

Flashback to Stark’s invigorating speech from earlier this issue. There was more to it. Stark talks about something looming past the horizon. They’ve held on for this long, but this new obstacle is too much to handle. Keep it on the downlow for now, Stevie, but they’ll need to recruit more people. More teams. Then, when the day comes, O Cap’n My Cap’n, just say the words, and we’ll all LEAP INTO ACTION.

It started with an idea.

Expansion was the spark that started the fire.

“Our captain spoke and gave the idea form.”

“Assemble at dawn.” he said.

And how could we not?

We were Avengers.

*tender jerkoff*

Final Thoughts

Fuck ‘em up, Captain America! USA! USA! EARTH! EARTH!

Nothing to say yet! Fine so far. I know better than to make any judgments after only one issue by now. See ya next time, dorks.

Oingo Boingo


I continue to unironically adore Oingo Boingo well into my 30s. They have the distinction of being the third band I ever fell in love with back in my high school days. Second was They Might Be Giants. First was “Weird Al” Yankovic. That tells you all you need to know about my terminally virgin teenage years.

All these years later, and thousands more bands under my belt since, I’m still impressed with Danny Elfman’s ragtag team of weirdo new wave ska punk dark cabaret alt-rock musicians. The band’s humble beginnings trace back to 1972, when Elfman’s brother Richard founded a Los Angeles street theater group dubbed the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo. It was outsider performance art in possibly the most rigid definition of the term, containing no less than 15 members at any given time playing every instrument you can image — even some invented by the band members themselves.

Time passed, the project slowly shifted into the recognizable Danny Elfman-fronted rock band that everyone who doesn’t SUCK knows and loves, and the rest is history. Their unique carnivalesque brand of new wave mania was highly influential to a diverse range of followers, including, but not limited to, Primus, Mr. Bungle, the Aquabats, Reel Big Fish, and Finnish black/folk metal outfit Finntroll.

Eventually, Danny Elfman’s burgeoning interest in scoring film music spilled over and morphed Oingo Boingo into mediocre adult contemporary pop and then little-too-late grungy alternative rock. Elfman eventually admitted that his heart wasn’t in it anymore and called it quits in 1995.

Danny Elfman’s official website

JUMP TO:

Studio Albums
(1981) Only a Lad
(1982) Nothing to Fear
(1983) Good for Your Soul
(1984) So-Lo
(1985) Dead Man’s Party
(1987) Boi-Ngo
(1990) Dark at the End of the Tunnel
(1994) Boingo


Only a Lad (1981) – Rating: 8/10
Click Here for the Full Album Review

Oingo Boingo - Only a Lad

Pretty bold to make your introductory statement on your first full-length album a pedophilia empathy anthem! But here it is, “Little Girls” is so bombastic and catchy that NAMBLA could adopt it as their organization’s theme song…except they like little boys instead. Oh darn.

There’s a loose concept of conservative satire on Only a Lad, that is to say “satire of conservatism”. At least I think it’s satire, knowing Danny’s views these days. It’s possible he thought differently as a young man. Between the socialism bashing of “Perfect System” and the free-market economy lauding of “Capitalism”, plus the death penalty advocating of “Only a Lad” and the faking your way through making it criticism of “Imposter”, it seems Danny was a Reagan voter. Be that as it might have been (I’m not here to judge anyone on their past fuck-ups), a lot of the attitude is undercut by the sheer clowniness of the music and Danny’s vocal delivery. Like a demented new wave circus, the frantic and jagged synthesizer and brass arrangements make all the social commentary sound downright self-mocking. As if the fact that there’s social commentary at all is laughably stupid!

The songs themselves are outrageously good, with only the lower-energy “What You See” and the aimless “Capitalism” considered as filler tunes. I particularly enjoy the nervous crescendos of “Perfect System”, the irregular time signatures of “Only a Lad”, the deconstructed-as-fuck fun house mirror nightmare of the “You Really Got Me” Kinks cover, and the spidery piano bridge of “Nasty Habits”. Only a Lad is Oingo Boingo at their most uninhibited, and while I wish there was another album or two of this kind of manic Hell ska sound, I can’t complain too much with the results of their next two projects.


Nothing to Fear (1982) – Rating: 9/10
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Oingo Boingo - Nothing to Fear

What gets me the most about Nothing to Fear is that it has the same jerky energy, the same erratic and desperate vocals, the same horn-laden, synthesizer-drenched new wave personality, and yet this is not merely Only a Lad Pt. 2. Oingo Boingo’s second album maintains everything that makes early Oingo Boingo great while still showing progress and growth. The melodies are better, the sound is fuller, and the songs are more diverse. And all within a year!

The difference is immediate. “Grey Matter” steamrolls you right away with loud, synthesized bass rhythms; loud, synthesized, airy drums; loud, frenzied, tribal marimba; loud, loud, loud. Dance punk for the insane. New wave circus music with darker production than before, guaranteed to bring out the goth clown in all of us.

There’s very little negative criticism I have for Nothing to Fear, except that “Running on a Treadmill” feels tired and by-the-book compared to everything else around it, and “Islands”, while a very faithful take on the suffocating hopelessness of your average Joy Division track, becomes an exhausting listen for me personally. Everything else ranges from great to amazing, no foolin’. The title track is one of the best and most criminally underrated songs of the early ’80s, weaving in Cold War paranoia (“The Russians are about to pulverize us in our sleep tonight“) with societal pessimism (“If they don’t take away your passion with a color TV set/They’ll take away your heart and soul“) and disturbing pedophilia (a whole, uncomfortable verse that I won’t rewrite here!). The pure cynicism and paranoia is visceral, with the dark moods enhanced by the scary punctuations of trumpet blasts.

Other major highlights include the absurdly manic “Insects”, the Cure-adjacent ode to isolation “Private Life”, the Eastern-tinged critical look at mankind’s evolution “Why’d We Come”, and the silly shout-out to both lizards and Japanese warriors alike with “Reptiles and Samurai”, closing out the record. Each track astoundingly catchy. And this isn’t even the best that Boingo has to offer!


Good for Your Soul (1983) – Rating: 10/10
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Oingo Boingo - Good for Your Soul

Now THIS! THIS is the best Boingo has to offer. A solid 10. I’m not even going off of my dorky teenage virgin rose-tinted glasses! I listened to Good for Your Soul a couple of times this week, and even in my jaded 30s I’m still kind of blown away by this whole album. A masterstroke of new wave punk-tinged pop, and one of the last great albums of the dwindling new wave era in general.

Good for Your Soul is an immaculate marriage of the Only a Lad mania and the Nothing to Fear maturity. And that makes sense, considering there was no break between finishing Nothing to Fear and recording tracks for this one. I hate to compare the two albums since I love each one in its own special way, but Good for Your Soul presents an uptick in consistency and diversity in mood. With a couple of exceptions, the tracks weave back and forth between the mellow and the energetic, between frenetic paranoia and emotional numbness. The pacing here is the best in Oingo Boingo’s catalogue.

Of the high-octane tunes, I have a hard time choosing among “Who Do You Want To Be?”, “Sweat”, “Dead or Alive”, and “Little Guns”. All of them are fucking excellent, and even though some of the social commentary might be trite by today’s standards, the music is irresistibly fun and catchy. “Who Do You Want To Be?” brings the deconstructed ska, “Sweat” brings the fight-or-flight panic, “Dead or Alive” brings the anxious horror life-or-death urgency, and “Little Guns” brings that oh-so-delicious Carnival in Hell vibe (with the sexiest saxophone solo you’ll find on this side of pop-punk spectrum).

The less frantic tunes bring their own lovely quirks to the table. The title track combines jaunty synths and moody synths, with themes of self-doubt and futile obsession. “Fill the Void” hypnotizes you with repeated two-tone phrases and brassy bursts, sort of like the Police meets Wall of Voodoo, chugging along without too many major departures in four minutes. It provides an enjoyable, low-key break near the center of the album. The best one of all, “Nothing Bad Ever Happens To Me”, entwines these steady, emotionless, robotic synth notes while Elfman sings the most straightforward lyrics yet. Each verse a retelling of misfortunes plaguing those around him (a house burglary, a boss laying off a loyal employee, a neighbor’s teenage suicide) while the narrator punctuates each verse with the final line “And I can’t believe that anyone would wanna do such a terrible thing/But why should I caaaaaarrrrrrre?” Complete ambivalence. No learning, no self-awareness, no empathy, no remorse. Just the way I like it.

The rest of the tracks ain’t no slouches either. I consider “No Spill Blood” and “Cry of the Vatos” thematically similar to each other, kinda poking fun at the worldbeat fad at the time. “Wake Up (It’s 1984)” is a timely comment on government encroachment with delicious hooks. And “Pictures of You”, while the weakest track on the record, sounds like the Cure before the Cure even WROTE a song called “Pictures of You”! How about them apples, huh?

Fantastic stuff. One of the best new wave albums of all time. Don’t sleep on it.


So-Lo (1984) – Rating: 7/10
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Oingo Boingo - So-Lo

The “lost album”. A Danny Elfman solo album in name only, this is every bit of an Oingo Boingo album as any other Oingo Boingo album. As such, I’m calling it an Oingo Boingo album. All nine band members are on this thing, for fuck’s sake. Elfman was offered a solo contract from MCA Recrods after their old label dropped them. He took it as an opportunity to de-Boingofy the music a little bit and play around with slower tempos and different sound palettes. So-Lo is the most overtly dated-sounding record, filled to the brim with schmaltzy, over-synthesized tastelessness. Luckily, the melodies are strong enough to make up for that.

Par exemple, the first few bars of the opener “Gratitude” sound like a robot playing an organ through PVC piping. Once the guitar tones kick in, though, it’s unmistakably Boingo. The signature sound pushes past all the synthesizer hell, and what a tune “Gratitude” is anyway! Hooks! Hooks upon hooks! Oh my god, dude, try to get that chorus out of your head. “In the middle of a big tornado/On the tip of everyone’s tongue/In the belly of a giant whale/All the girls just want to have fun“. Pop artists would kill to have a melody like that.

No real slouches on So-Lo musically (except maybe “Go Away”, which is cloyingly miserable), but most of the issues are with the lyrics and the attitude. “Cool City” is catchy as hell, but everything else about it is completely lame. You got Elfman singing with weenie-guy machismo about “The blacks they all hate the whites/COOOOOOOL CITY/The whites think they’re tough but they’re not/COOOOOOOL CITY” like he’s your resident expert on… whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be. “It Only Makes Me Laugh” is a slightly embarrassing take on 2 tone ska with too much accidental posturing, but, again, the melody reigns supreme. I just can’t sit here and call it a bad song when something is so impossibly hooky. But then you have “Sucker for Mystery”, which does have a weak melody bolstered by repetition, and “Everybody Needs”, which closes the album on a musically dour note that isn’t particularly memorable. Each has its moments though, like the snakey synths on the former and the (synthetic?) dirgy accordion on the latter. Where there’s the bad, there’s always the good.

“Lightning” is the best track. Carrying that old energy and paranoia into the new sound was very effective, and if there were just even three or four more similarly tonal tracks then So-Lo would easily fall in line with the first three albums. I still love this record unconditionally, but the flaws are starting to get harder to hide.


Dead Man’s Party (1985) – Rating: 5/10
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Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party

The album that pigeonholed Oingo Boingo as a Halloween band. Skeletons on the art, songs about dead people and science that may or may not be weird, an October 28th release date. What the fuck else was going to happen, stupid?

Dead Man’s Party was Oingo Boingo’s most commercially successful record. It marks the transition between hyperactive schizo-ska and croony pop, and although you have some old strangeness like “Weird Science” or pop with an experimental bent like “No One Lives Forever”, this is pretty much a step in the wrong direction.

I have a huge problem with this record, and it ain’t the stylistic transition. By and large, this is the worst sounding Oingo Boingo recording that has been officially released. Never has the energy of the band been so restrained by such flatness in the sound. The title track, for example, lacks exactly the kind of urgency that would make it a smash hit in the old days. Don’t get me wrong, “Dead Man’s Party” is probably Oingo Boingo’s second-most known track, but this could have been so much better than the six-minute dredge through the audio swamp that it is. And I can say that for every other song on the album. “Stay” has incredible atmospheric potential ruined by the fuzziness of a fucking blown speaker. “No One Lives Forever” — can you imagine this track without piss-poor production? I’m salivating at the thought, but it shall never be.

The next major problem with the record is the filler. Oh god, the filler. “Heard Somebody Cry”, “Fool’s Paradise”, “Help Me”, and “Same Man I Was Before” are all filler. That’s 4 out of 9 tracks! I mean, Jesus, what the fuck is even happening here?

What Oingo Boingo should’ve done was hang onto the five good tracks, piggyback on Boi-Ngo‘s six great tracks, and made a killer album with excellent production.

But they didn’t. 5/10.


Boi-Ngo (1987) – Rating: 7/10
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Oingo Boingo - Boi-Ngo

The old erratic Oingo Boingo is dead and buried, but the death rattle persists. Luckily, before the flames go out completely, Elfman and his clan have one more good album left in them. Boi-Ngo might be completely different, it might be somewhat unrecognizable, and it may even be overly sappy and corny at times (ahem *cough* “We Close Our Eyes”), but it’s hard to say that any song on here is objectively bad. Quite the contrary! Some of it even downright rocks!

OK, fine, saying something from Oingo Boingo “rocks” is pushing it. But the energy that was absent from Dead Man’s Party finds itself flowing through Boi-Ngo in spades. “Home Again”, “Where Do All My Friends Go?”, and “Elevator Man” is a great run of tracks to open with. The pianos and horns reverberate with vivacity! The corny ’80s synths are punchy and hard-hitting! The rhythms are infectious and groovy! Oh my god, those rhythms! Danny’s voice has never sounded more versatile; he croons and he belts! Who cares if “Elevator Man” is a four-minute oral sex joke? That horn melody is immaculate!

The highs aren’t as high after the first three tracks, but there’s plenty of good to mine from songs like “Outrageous”, which captures that same spirit of the early days with a more subdued approach. Or “Pain”, which gives you a surprise jaunty fiddle melody during the bridge. Even “New Generation”, which overstays its welcome, is somewhat bolstered by a cool repeated echoing trumpet arpeggio. In the past, the seriousness of songs like “New Generation” were undercut by manic ska rhythms or Danny’s exaggerated vocal delivery. Here, it’s just too serious for its own good. Just like “Not My Slave” or “My Life”. The old Boingo humor is missing!

Give me some humor and this is an easy 8 or 9, but Oingo Boingo isn’t funny anymore, guys. You’re just going to have to live with that from now on.


Dark at the End of the Tunnel (1990) – Rating: 3/10
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Oingo Boingo - Dark at the End of the Tunnel

What a complete stinker. Danny’s full transition into film score work got the best of him. If there was any evidence that his heart wasn’t in the Oingo Boingo project by 1990, it’s Dark at the End of the Tunnel. A fitting title with what might have, and could very well have been in another universe, the final swan song. It’s pitiful and it sucks. And it’s a complete waste of genius.

First of all, what made Oingo Boingo an original band is gone completely by now. Disappointingly, the sound veers heavily toward the adult contemporary side of 1990 than it does toward any sort of underground counterculture side. Safe, easily digestible tonal textures abound. “Scary” songs like “When the Lights Go Out” and “Skin” are nothing more than mellow, fey pop songs with subject matter that “Nothing to Fear (But Fear Itself)” and “Private Life”, respectively, already captured perfectly eight years earlier. “Out of Control” is a miserably vapid ballad with an embarrassingly saccharine melody and message that makes me feel uncomfortable just listening to it. And not uncomfortable in the old, good way. This stuff doesn’t seem self-aware anymore. It sounds like it’s trying really hard to hit the charts which, in the abysmal year for the pop music sound of 1990, is quite upsetting.

Yuck, and the cloying metallophone percussion on tracks like “Flesh ‘N Blood” or “Dream Somehow” are childish and emotionless, backboned by these safe, major-key melodies with tacky lyrics. “I’m not gonna give up the ghost/No, I’m not gonna give it up/’Cause I haven’t the strength/To hold out too long/If we both hold on together/We can make each other strong” Give me a fucking break.

Is there any good? Well, “Run Away (The Escape Song)” is honestly catchy and fun and, even though the synthesized pan flute is corny, the sexy saxophone makes up for it. I also don’t mind the closer “Try to Believe” because it’s an earnest (and successful) attempt at southern gospel and, as it turns out, Danny’s voice is perfect for it.

Other than that, though, there really isn’t much to write home about. A competent set of tunes that are completely devoid of urgency and lasting power. You have no reason to listen to this.


Boingo (1994) – Rating: 6/10
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Oingo Boingo - Boingo

I call this a 7 on a good day, but with seven out of eleven songs blowing past the 5-minute mark (egregiously, in a few cases), you can’t blame me for underrating this, as good as the music might be. I know that this was purposely meant to be the last hurrah, but bloat is bloat, after all.

Busy as it is, a lot of this album is really good, though. Boingo abandoned everything they were ever known for and put out a little-too-late alternative grunge album laced with ’60s psychedelia for good measure. Fine by me, this was a totally unexpected and perfectly solid effort. Hell, it’s the most timeless Oingo Boingo album ever! Even in 2024! Spin this one in your drunk friend Dylan’s living room and he may bang his head to “War Again” if you wake him up first.

You do have to give these songs room to grow on you, though. “Insanity”, the opener, is an immediate winner, and probably the only example of Danny Elfman perfecting social commentary without needing humor to back it up. And hey, we finally get a taste of the kind of cinematic, epic music from Danny’s scoring career on a proper Oingo Boingo album! In fact, I’d be so bold as to put “Insanity” in the Top 5 Boingo Songs Ever. You heard it here first, but probably not.

Special mention also goes to the mammoth 16-minute psychedelic Beatles send-off of “Change”, with not a second wasted with filler. OK, maybe some of it is wasted with filler, but I don’t care. This overwrought exercise of flower power-era druggy noise, faux British melancholic whimsy, and dinner party sound effects (complete with laughter and clinking glasses and, oh yes, a story about going to South America with Richard Nixon!) is utterly captivating and, ultimately, pointless of course. But it’s all in good fun, and it’s a pretty satisfying end to a career, wouldn’t you say?

All the stuff between “Insanity” and “Change” don’t give me quite the same highs, but almost all of it is worth listening to. The ghost of Kurt Cobain comes through on “Hey!” while the future ghost of Paul McCartney comes through on “Mary”. “Can’t See (Useless)” expresses vulnerability through some gorgeous string arrangements. Then you’ve got four middling songs in a row: “Pedestrian Wolves” is extremely overlong and stupid, profoundly skippable by its very nature of existing. “Lost Like This” has a slow groove with a lot of its impact muddied by the production. “Spider” is pretty, sure, but forgettable as shit. The aforementioned “War Again” has no distinct melody other than the “yea-yeaahhh, yea-yeahhh” hook, but I enjoy the hazy guitar work if not for the slightly uninspired lyrics (“Don’t you know this is better than any video, friend/It’s an action movie“).

Finally? Well, the cover of “I Am the Walrus” of course! Faithful to the original to a fault, with more emphasis on heaviness, but it fits nicely on an album inspired partly by the Fab Four. Oh yeah, there’s “Tender Lumplings” too, but I don’t understand the point of the 37-second interlude. Forget I even mentioned it!

But, yeah, a 6. You could easily, easily, trim 25 minutes off of this thing and it would be a masterpiece of an album. A band going out with a bang in a completely different genre, no less! But Danny wanted to make everything eight minutes long and here we are. 7 on a good day, though! I mean it!

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Metamorphosis”

* Part 1 of 4 of the Her Sister’s Keeper storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 1) Issue #1 – “Metamorphosis”! Ahhh, Catwoman. My earliest memory of Catwoman is Michelle Pfeiffer from Batman Returns. And then, of course, Halle Berry’s infamous portrayal. And then Anne Hathaway for some reason? But now it’s Zoë Kravitz! And she’s hot. That’s the only thing I have to say about the new Cedric Diggory Batman movie.

I don’t know much about Catwoman. I’ve always thought she was a Batman supervillain, but maybe it’s more nuanced than that? I was going to read the New 52 version of Catwoman, but I hear that it’s one of the worst series to ever grace the comic book shelves, so I’ll wait to be REALLY in the mood before I tackle something like that! Sounds incredibly exciting! How bad could it possibly be?? I can’t wait to find out.

So, on my second diversion from the New 52 imprint, I decided it made the most sense to pick up the Catwoman 4-issue limited series from 1989. Its story runs concurrently with the Batman: Year One storyline that I covered a couple months back, which was fun and exciting and contained Selina Kyle as a disgruntled prostitute! So we’ll get to see more of that, I’m sure!

So without further ado: meow.


Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [February, 1989]
Written by: Mindy Newell
“Metamorphosis”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

That the saints may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly, they are permitted to see the punishment of the damned in Hell” – St. Thomas Aquinas

Saints get special treatment! They get to know how much Hell sucks in order to appreciate that they’re not in Hell, I guess? Comic books are going to teach me more about the bible than the Catholic church ever did.

We don’t waste time here. The cover depicts a woman in fishnet stockings passed out among garbage and rainwater, and that’s just what the opening scene shows as well: tattered clothes, a cat chewing on her shirt. She’s in the alley behind a convent and near some lovely Gotham Dept. of Sanitation dumpsters.

A nun comes out to toss some trash and discovers the passed-out woman while she shoos away the cat.

Later, paramedics come whisk her away. “Somebody didn’t like what she was selling.” says one of the cops, while another tells him to zip the lip. “There are nuns present!”

There are nuns present indeed.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

“I hate cats! Fuck fuck shit shit!”

The nuns all agree that no one heard any sounds coming from the alley. One of the nuns, young Sister Magdalene, cradles the cat in her arms. The old crone nun, Sister Mary Elizabeth, forbids her from bringing it inside the convent. They have a puzzling exchange:

“You’ve heard nothing?” asks Sister Mary Elizabeth.
“Nothing.” says Sister Magdalene.
“I’m sorry, Sister. But you mustn’t lose faith. Six months is not so long in God’s plan.” says Sister Mary Elizabeth.
“In this city, it’s a lifetime.” laments Sister Magdalene.

The no-longer-passed-out prostitute is in a hospital bed at Gotham City General Hospital, a place that looks like rats have been gnawing on the walls for at least seven decades. She’s got a black eye, but that’s it. A fucking vice cop pops into the room and asks her if she’s Selina Kyle, and if she’s up for having a conversation with him. This fucking vice cop is named Flannery. He looks like he fucking sucks.

Flannery tells her that the cops found $5,000 next to her in the alley. “The money’s mine.” she says immediately, and Flannery doesn’t disagree. He wants to know who kicked her ass. “I tripped.” she says flatly.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

That Jesus guy can put up with anything. Once you get nailed to a cross, you kind of start letting the little shit go.

Flannery tells her that she could charge the guy with rape, since she’s underage and all. At this point a fucking priest walks in the room asking Selina if she’d “like to take communion”. He also looks like he fucking sucks. She yells at the priest with a very hostile “NO!”. She looks like she’s hissing! Like a cat!

“You change your mind about pressing charges, call me. Even whores got rights.” Flannery tells Selina, leaving a phone number with her. She says “fuck tha police”, but he tells her it’s not his number. It’s not a social worker either. It’s just “a guy who can teach her how to take care of herself”. Pah! Men! Selina Kyle ain’t letting no MAN teach her how to take care of herself!

Before he leaves, she asks him why he even cares. He doesn’t answer.

BACK AT THE DANG NUNNERY, Sister Magdalene is praying in some pew like a dumbass when Sister M. E. frownily approaches. Even Sister M.E. says this kid prays too much. It’s like, goddamn, save some prayin’ for the rest of the nuns.

Some more light is shed on their earlier conversation. Magdalene has a sister who’s disappeared or kidnapped or prostituting or something. Mary Elizabeth tells her that all this praying is fine, maybe, I guess, but her sister has been gone for a while and this convent has some REAL girls who are REALLY ACTUALLY there right now who need help. To this, Magdalene tells M. E. that she’s a cold and cruel woman, but M. E. defends herself as merely a realist.

I’M GUESSING THAT MAGDALENE’S SISTER IS PROSTITUTING. WAIT FOR THE BIG REVEAL, FOLKS.

Selina Kyle, a prostitute (WHAT A COINCIDENCE!), heads back to the street looking for a guy named Stan. She approaches Holly, who we remember from Batman: Year One as the 13-year-old whore who tried to bone Bruce Wayne. She’s Selina’s buddy. She has the same whiny speech she had in the Batman storyline. Selina asks her where Stan is, and Holly protests that he’ll beat her up again if he finds her around here. She ignores that and heads into a hotel. “SELINA! ANSWER ME! SELINA-A-A!” yells Holly.

Interesting that Holly looks very similar, yet Selina has long hair here while she had short hair in the Batman storyline. CONTINUITY, SON.

Stan’s the pimp. “You lookin’ good baby.” he says. Stan’s a charmer. He kisses her neck and apologizes for smackin’ her around and shit. “Not gonna hold it ‘gainst me?” he asks. He looks like a shitty Dick Tracy. Selina asks him where the cats are at, and gets mad at him when he opens a closet. “Relax, Sugar, they’s fine. Theys get to me, thas all.” Bleh.

Stan the Man tells Selina that he got her something. It’s a cat costume! She doesn’t want it. He tells her to put it the fuck on. She says it’s disgusting. “Disgustin?” he drawls, “Hey baby, you the one loves cats. Now you can be one,” he insists. This new john is willing to pay a lot of money. “No freaks,” she pleads, “You promised me no freaks!”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

C’mon, baby, jus’ a little furry action for yeh. Haven’ ye bin on de Innernet?

No amount of begging works. They need the money, so, just this once, gotta fuck that freak! 1989, baby! Furries existed before the internet!

Off-panel, Selina calls the number that Flannery gave her, and it turns out to be some guy who’s going to train her to defend herself. “Flannery was right, you don’t know beans about fighting.” the guy tells her, and she spits in his face.

“First lesson: long hair is too easy to grab — lose it.” he says, and there you have it. Sorry about the continuity nazi thing! This guy is named Ted, and he’s going to pretend suddenly that he doesn’t know any cop named Flannery after Selina asks him how many other girls Flannery has sent his way.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Thanks for coming to his Ted Talk. HAHAHA! Kill me.

Ted’s going rate is $100 per hour for self-defense lessons! Selina doesn’t have that kind of money! “Not many do. Relax, sweetheart, maybe you qualify for a discount. If you’re serious.”

And serious, she is! Her hair is all kinds of chopped off, and we’re in the scene from Batman #404 where Bruce Wayne strolls the shitty streets of the shitty part of town, encounters Holly, and gets rough with Stan. Selina is viewing the scene from a higher floor hotel room, just like she was in Batman #404. She’s with some loser, but not the cat fetishest. Holly stabs Bruce Wayne in the leg. Ha! Good times! It’s nice to revisit these old memories.

This is the part where Selina leaps out of the window to defend Holly. Assuming the position and hissing, she tries to kick Bruce but he blocks her attack and knocks her out with one punch. By now, the cops have arrived, and we all know what happens there with him. Been there, done that. Selina is out cold for the second time this issue! Holly tries to get her up.

Due to the scuffle, Selina shows up late for her next appointment with Ted. “Can you show me how to use this?” she asks, holding up a cat o’ nine tails! Of course, obviously, come on now, Ted thinks it’s a dang whore toy.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

I bet you had dreams of becoming the first female astronaut scuba diving Olympic gold medalist. I bet you wanted seventeen children.

I bet Ted feels like a big man getting his jabs in. He asks her who she’s REALLY lashing out against. “It’s not that pimp downtown?” he hypothesizes coyly, as if it were any of his buttfuckin’ business! After proving that he knows how to use the cat o’ many many tails, they get to work.

The next couple of pages, as far as I can tell, are lifted straight from Batman #404. It’s the scene where Selina is sleeping in a bed full of cats, and Holly is at the window announcing the SWAT explosions from Batman’s standoff at the abandoned building.

At the scene, Holly’s standing on a car trying to get a better view of Batman. Selina thinks that there will be nothing to see but a corpse, but that’s when the bats start flying in and her mind is changed. “…I don’t know how…but he’ll escape…using the bats…using the costume.” Selina thinks out loud as Batman hops on the cop bike and motors out of there. Her mind gears are really cookin’ now!

At the next session with Ted, Selina claims that she’s not feeling up for anything more in the middle of their training. After mocking her, he tells her to get up and stop whining. “This is Gotham City…it’s already had a taste of you. How much more do you want to give it?”

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #1

There’s more of that where that came from, you piece of fuck.

He grabs her arm and starts hurting her, goading her into fighting back. She warns that she’ll hurt him, but he doesn’t stop. So she hurts him. And he stops. And she said “told ya”. And he says “yeah, duh, that was the point”.

Selina got a new plan with the cat costume, baby!

So out she goes, lookin’ like BDSM Felix, and starts stalking Stan the Pimp. She lures him with a phone call:

“Stan–”
“Was the matter? Where are you?”
“In a phone booth. He was wired, Stan, strung out — pulled a knife — God, I think he’s dead, I know he’s dead. What’ll we do?”
“Anybody see? Cops?”
“No. No, I don’t think so. God, Stan, I’m scared.”
“Okay. Jus stay cool. Thas right, I’m comin’, be at the regular spot. Don’ talk to nobody, don’ do nothin…jus waits til you see me.”

And she sees him, all right. She’s perched on top of a roof, catwhip at the ready!

Final Thoughts

lol

Earl Sweatshirt, BUÑUEL, and The Birthday Massacre

The weather’s getting warmer! Sort of. Unless you’re in Borneo or New Zealand or Uganda. Then it’s either as warm as it always is OR it’s getting colder! I know my geography.

Hey, I also know my music. Here are new releases from Earl Sweatshirt (hip hop), BUÑUEL (not hip hop), and the Birthday Massacre (so not hip hop that it circles back around and laps it again).


Earl Sweatshirt – SICK!
(January 14, 2022)

Earl Sweatshirt - SICK!

Earl Sweatshirt has the distinction of being the third, and last, member of Odd Future that anybody knows or has even heard of. The first two being Tyler, the Creator and Frank Ocean. Tyler brings the edge, Frank brings the nostalgia, so what does Earl bring?

He brings a knack for wordplay, an unmatched, labyrinthian rhyme scheme, brutally honest, relatable lyrics, and a little bit of edge and nostalgia. Just muted, sort of. Throughout his solo career, Earl has touched upon personal issues with his father, grief over lost loved ones, struggles with mental health, insecurity with fame, all with shuffling, glitchy beats, deadpan malcontent delivery, and a wry sense of arrogance that shines through from time to time, where appropriate. Now, with SICK!, just like almost everyone else, Earl reacts to the pandemic. And he’s a new father to boot, which makes the whole global disaster extra mentally ravaging. Trust me on that one.

And just like everyone else, Earl comes out of the ordeal a changed person. The beats aren’t as dank and muddy as they’ve been before, there’s a little bit more crispness to the production. Earl himself doesn’t sound nearly as frustrated, and even though he still weaves around his rhymes with that trademark lethargic haze, there’s a little bit more begrudged optimism here than we’ve ever seen before. Our boy is growing up!

Too bad Earl Sweatshirt doesn’t make full albums anymore. Clocking in at 24 minutes, SICK! doesn’t feel fully realized. Apparently he had a 19-track project in the works, but he scrapped most of it. Still though, worth the price of admission.

Early Verdict:


BUÑUEL – Killers Like Us
(February 18, 2022)

BUÑUEL - Killers Like Us

I’m expecting a new Oxbow record sometime this year anyway, but I was pleasantly elated to learn only weeks ago that Eugene S. Robinson lends his voice to an Italy-based noise rock supergroup known as BUÑUEL. I can’t stress dramatically enough my recommendation to check out anything Robinson is involved with. For context, Eugene S. Robinson is an amateur martial artist, poet, philosophical writer, occasional actor, and a terrifyingly jacked black dude whose stage presence is nothing short of intimidating. All this, plus he has an aggressively desperate vocal style. It’s a perfect pairing with the gritty, dirgy, and uncompromisingly harsh music that the three core members play with just a barebones guitar/bass/drums setup.

If Robinson is on the first two BUÑUEL albums I’ll need to listen to those too, because Killers Like Us fills the kind of dirty Jesus Lizard / Shellac / Flipper post-hardcore noise rock void that is hard to find these days. When he blurts out lines like “I’m the handsomest man/With the handsomest plan/To cinch it tight like a belt on a waistcoat” from the manically unsettling “When God Used a Rope”…hell, the very beginning of “Hornets” has an ominous feedback buzz while Robinson offers his dead serious, desperate monologue: “I want you to take a glimpse…I want you to take a real hard look…“. All his yelping and shrieking and wheezing and crackling. I can’t think of many other vocalists who are less impossible to do anything but pay rapt attention to. There’s a mountain of weight behind each and every word.

Like any good noise-rock band, the noise is interesting and varied and tense as fuck. It pierces into those primal corners of your brain, the ones you don’t think about too often, the ones that trigger those subconscious fight-or-flight responses that really get your juices flowing, baby. Puts hair on your chest is what it does.

Early Verdict:


The Birthday Massacre – Fascination
(February 18, 2022)

The Birthday Massacre - Fascination

Don your oversized steampunk coats and strap on your platform boots with the 400 buckles! Gothic dance! Gothic dance! Everybody gothic dance!

I’m going to be brutally honest here. This music just ain’t for me. There’s a lot of music out there that actually is for me, so why should I bother with the music that ain’t for me? HERE’S WHY: because it’s a good to work that open-mindedness muscle once in a while, you dinguses. This is a perfect opportunity! I even have some good things to say about this!

If nothing else, the atmosphere is absolutely pitch perfect. Transportive, you might say. Pure darksynth whimsy from beginning to end, never once breaking character, never once straying from the little self-established fantasy world this music falls entirely within. Effervescent synthesizer pops and bubbles along as Sara “Chibi” Taylor sings in the most sweetly decadent, cartoonishly feminine voice you can possibly imagine. The chorus to “Once Again” (“I’m talking to the ghost of who I knew/I’m walking in the shadow left by you“) is so absolutely, infuriatingly, perfectly catchy that it’s unbelievable.

The caveat? It all sounds so damn phony. Perfectly crafted in a sterile gothic laboratory, designed to resonate emotionally with Disney-level precision. Half of these songs, especially the Mountain Dew-fueled darkwave “Like Fear, Like Love”, sound like a flawless, dusky autumn evening with friends during Six Flags Fright Fest. Like a magical goth prom night. Everything is so sparkly and indulgent, rife with the kind of rose-tinted nostalgia that you could only find in a terminally ’80s coming-of-age movie.

It’s not for me. Not at all. But this band is, without a doubt, the very best at what they do. Gotta give the credit where credit is due, after all.

Early Verdict:

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Marvel NOW! Point One #1!

Once upon a time, Marvel saw the success of the New 52 overhaul from DC Comics in 2011 and thought “ME TOO!” So they did their own version starting at the tail-end of 2012. #MeToo

As for me, I’ve been bouncing around Marvel with much less focus compared to DC, and now I’ll put in a little more focus by digging into the Marvel NOW! shit and see where it takes me. I’ll keep bouncing around, plugging along with Ultimate Spider-Man and Astonishing X-Men and others, certainly, as the sands of time slip away. But Marvel NOW! looks like it has a lot of fun stuff, so I can no longer resist its alluring aura. Plus, unlike DC’s New 52, which mostly has 52 shitty series with an average of about 52 shitty issues each, Marvel NOW! has about 700 shitty series with an average of about 15 shitty issues each! You can’t beat that! Series get done quicker. I can bounce around a little faster. Plus, there appears to be much less unnecessary crossover weaving.

The whole Marvel NOW! relaunch kicked off with a one-shot to get the ball rolling, and that’s what I’m covering today. Looks to be six short stories spread across about 60 pages. SO LET’S GET TO IT! Enough blabbin’.


Marvel NOW! Point One #1 [December, 2012]

Marvel NOW! Point One #1


“NYSE”
Written by: Nick Spencer

This story seems quite wordy and I’m already bored! Fuck Marvel NOW!

All right, we see Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (which is a complete bitch to type out, by the way) getting reassigned. Fury seems FURIOUS! Just kidding, he seems accommodating and patient, but also lacks a lot of info about what’s going on, so some attractive S.H.I.E.L.D. lady briefs him as she leads him into a basement of sorts. “You’re here to make a new friend.” she tells him, snarkily I’m sure.

She says she’s leading him to a man who was discovered at 9am on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange putting in tickets for over a dozen hedge funds. Every single ticket is making bank quickly. By 11am, everyone had noticed. Apparently, this man was suddenly in control of the economy of the entire goddamned world, moving billions in only three hours. S.H.I.E.L.D. ain’t havin’ that! So, time to get Nick Fury on his ass. Nick Furious!

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Cork it, Special Agent No-One-Fucking-Cares.

Fury’s not Furious yet, damnit. He’s not Fast either. He asks how the hell this could happen in the first place, and Agent Maria SomethingOrOther informs him that the man is from the future! 100 years in the future! 2112, by my watch. Rush made a whole album about that year, but failed to mention this part of it. Nick Fury doesn’t believe this shit, though. People from the future? That has never happened in the history of comic books!

Fury still doesn’t understand why he’s on this assignment. S.H.I.E.L.D. wants information from Future-Man, but Fury’s skills don’t involve interrogation. Basket-weaving, maybe. But, look sir, normally they’d agree with your hesitation, but… “He asked for you. That’s why. You. No one else.” It’s like, look Nick Fury, you’re pretty far down on our list of people we actually, uh, wanted, you know, working on literally anything. But here we are. Everyone’s sorry, trust me.

So they shove Nick Fury, who is wearing a stupid uniform by the way, into the interrogation room where Mr. 2112 is waiting. He’s happy to see him! “Nick Fury! In the flesh. Amazing.”

Fury asks for his name, but the man ignores him. He’s not too happy that the snarky Agent Coulson is there with Fury, but Coulson ain’t going anywhere, so onward they continue. “I want to tell you things that are important. I want to tell you what’s coming. But you — you won’t listen.” the guy says, smug and in a relaxed hands-behind-his-head position. He insists that there are real dangers that Fury and his kind aren’t even noticing, let alone addressing. Fury calmly tells him to spill.

The guy tells him that America will be seventh down the list of leading nations by the time he’s born. Yawn. We’re already lower than that in 2022. Next!

He’s not here to threaten, of course. He’s here to warn. “See, that’s what’s so special about this moment in time. You’ve still got the arrogance. You’re angry, but you don’t know why.” he keeps lording his I’m-from-the-future position all over these sad motherfuckers.

“You don’t know what’s waiting for you up in the stars.”

The End! Interest piqued? Mine neither! But that’s ok, this particular story is woven in between the others. Let’s move on for now, shall we?


“Guardians of the Galaxy”
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

“Wisconsin, 20 years ago.” Yeah yeah yeah, I saw this fucking movie in the theater with Chris Pratt Schwarzenegger Magoo and Vin Diesel was a tree. Very amusing.

Young Peter is walking home all slumpily in the windy, shitty Wisconsin weather. His mother is waiting on the porch. He tells her that someone was picking on a girl, no one was helping, and he’s not hurt. She tells him to go inside before it rains. She spots three bright lights in the woods across the lawn. “What the hell? Oh my God…is it you?” she asks the three bright lights. The three bright lights turn out to be three robot gun dudes! “THIS IS THE ONE CALLED MEREDITH QUILL. THE SPARTOI BLOODLINE WILL NOT CONTINUE.”

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Whoops, that’s gonna leave a freckle.

Then they blast her with lasers. Into the back, exit wound through the titty.

Little Peter Quill Pratt Parker Schwarzengger Whatever is cleaning up in the bathroom for dinner. Unbeknownst to him, his mother is FUCKING DEAD NOW or something. The robots enter the house looking for the kid, and he comes running out like a little nimrod. Didn’t you hear the lasers? Come on, loser, you’re dead meat now.

So they’re shooting at him, and this kid has no idea what’s going on! He’s just about pissing his overlong bangs about it. These robots, they’re crashin’ and smashin’. Little Peter Quillface runs to a closet, finds a shotgun, and blows these fuckers dead with one shot. That’s some quick thinking, son.

As he’s trying to process that his mother had a shotgun in the closet in the first place, he’s mesmerized by the sun symbol on the robots’ laser guns.

But then he hightails it out of there when, heh heh, uh, a big goddamned spaceship blows up his house. That’s gotta hurt! Heh!


“Diamondhead”
Written by: Jeph Loeb

Some little punk in a black and yellow suit is zipping across the country like a comet. A big, blue, streaking comet. He’s not even flying, it’s like he was launched or something. From NYC to St. Louis to Kansas to Utah, all while talking to himself about how he can’t believe Thor let him be an Avenger!

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Oh boy, the hyperactive blue streak will be an indispensable asset to real QUICK-THINKERS like Captain America and the Falcon.

This kid’s just a nobody from nowhere! Wow! What an opportunity!

Some diamond-looking guy with a diamond on his belt and a diamond-looking head, I’m gonna call him Diamondhead, stops this twerp in his tracks while over Utah. He asks the kid who he is with an uppercut to the jaw! Bam!

“Who am I? Who the heck are you?!” he squeals.
“Name’s Diamondhead. You should know that!” Diamondhead responds. Even I knew that, it’s the title of the story! Duh!
“And…what’s your problem other than you’re ugly?” the kid whines.
“They said you were all dead!” claims Diamondhead. “Rich Rider. The Nova Corps. All dead.”

The kid, whose name I still don’t know, tells him that he’s sort of right. Before he tells Diamondhead his name, Diamondhead flies him straight into the side of a big Utah butte! Kaboom and shit.

Diamondhead tells the kid that he’s been tracking him since New York. Nova sucks! They’re jerks! Buncha punks! He wants his revenge. The kid tells him that he has nothing to do with THAT Nova, so step off old man!

But Diamondhead is performing a little preemptive strike here. Fool me twice, shame on me. That kind of thing! Nova tries to fight back, but the half-pint shouldn’t really even try. This guy’s made of diamonds! Don’t you know how hard diamonds are? Rock hard, kiddo. Rock hard all day. Diamondhead tells him that he’s gonna kill him and keep his cute little Nova helmet as a trophy. And the Nova kid is like “fat chance, pops” and hits him with a burst of extremely intense, blinding blue light.

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Don’t worry, I absolutely promise that I didn’t just dissolve your rods and cones into piles of sticky goo.

Diamondhead is blind now, so he’s sad and whimpering. After assuring Diamondhead that the blindness might be temporary, possibly, maybe, he warns him not to fuck with him anymore. “You’ll have a lot more than just me to worry about. I’m bringin’ in the Avengers. Cap. Thor. Iron Man. That chick with the thing on her thing. All of them.” And Diamondhead gets the picture. Loud and clear. Aye aye.

Diamondhead asks if the little Nova kid can at least fly him to the next town, but Nova leaves that blind bastard high and dry!

We cut to Future-Man speaking with Nick Fury back in NYC, tying in the Nova story as a metaphor for America. “You flew so bright and so fast for such a short while. That alone makes it worth the visit, if you ask me.”

Future-Man is all high and mighty about how primitive America was in the present day. Agent Maria is getting impatient now, struggling to find how this is worth anyone’s time, and asks for files on any known time-travelers or time-traveling-related cases. Ahh, and Future-Man considers them all lucky, getting to know how the next few generations will play out in real time. He mentions something called “The Ascendant”, and then starts waxing nostalgic about the adorable youngins who want to make names for themselves…

Hey! We’re not done! Click for Page 2!