Earl Sweatshirt, BUÑUEL, and The Birthday Massacre

The weather’s getting warmer! Sort of. Unless you’re in Borneo or New Zealand or Uganda. Then it’s either as warm as it always is OR it’s getting colder! I know my geography.

Hey, I also know my music. Here are new releases from Earl Sweatshirt (hip hop), BUÑUEL (not hip hop), and the Birthday Massacre (so not hip hop that it circles back around and laps it again).


Earl Sweatshirt – SICK!
(January 14, 2022)

Earl Sweatshirt - SICK!

Earl Sweatshirt has the distinction of being the third, and last, member of Odd Future that anybody knows or has even heard of. The first two being Tyler, the Creator and Frank Ocean. Tyler brings the edge, Frank brings the nostalgia, so what does Earl bring?

He brings a knack for wordplay, an unmatched, labyrinthian rhyme scheme, brutally honest, relatable lyrics, and a little bit of edge and nostalgia. Just muted, sort of. Throughout his solo career, Earl has touched upon personal issues with his father, grief over lost loved ones, struggles with mental health, insecurity with fame, all with shuffling, glitchy beats, deadpan malcontent delivery, and a wry sense of arrogance that shines through from time to time, where appropriate. Now, with SICK!, just like almost everyone else, Earl reacts to the pandemic. And he’s a new father to boot, which makes the whole global disaster extra mentally ravaging. Trust me on that one.

And just like everyone else, Earl comes out of the ordeal a changed person. The beats aren’t as dank and muddy as they’ve been before, there’s a little bit more crispness to the production. Earl himself doesn’t sound nearly as frustrated, and even though he still weaves around his rhymes with that trademark lethargic haze, there’s a little bit more begrudged optimism here than we’ve ever seen before. Our boy is growing up!

Too bad Earl Sweatshirt doesn’t make full albums anymore. Clocking in at 24 minutes, SICK! doesn’t feel fully realized. Apparently he had a 19-track project in the works, but he scrapped most of it. Still though, worth the price of admission.

Early Verdict:


BUÑUEL – Killers Like Us
(February 18, 2022)

BUÑUEL - Killers Like Us

I’m expecting a new Oxbow record sometime this year anyway, but I was pleasantly elated to learn only weeks ago that Eugene S. Robinson lends his voice to an Italy-based noise rock supergroup known as BUÑUEL. I can’t stress dramatically enough my recommendation to check out anything Robinson is involved with. For context, Eugene S. Robinson is an amateur martial artist, poet, philosophical writer, occasional actor, and a terrifyingly jacked black dude whose stage presence is nothing short of intimidating. All this, plus he has an aggressively desperate vocal style. It’s a perfect pairing with the gritty, dirgy, and uncompromisingly harsh music that the three core members play with just a barebones guitar/bass/drums setup.

If Robinson is on the first two BUÑUEL albums I’ll need to listen to those too, because Killers Like Us fills the kind of dirty Jesus Lizard / Shellac / Flipper post-hardcore noise rock void that is hard to find these days. When he blurts out lines like “I’m the handsomest man/With the handsomest plan/To cinch it tight like a belt on a waistcoat” from the manically unsettling “When God Used a Rope”…hell, the very beginning of “Hornets” has an ominous feedback buzz while Robinson offers his dead serious, desperate monologue: “I want you to take a glimpse…I want you to take a real hard look…“. All his yelping and shrieking and wheezing and crackling. I can’t think of many other vocalists who are less impossible to do anything but pay rapt attention to. There’s a mountain of weight behind each and every word.

Like any good noise-rock band, the noise is interesting and varied and tense as fuck. It pierces into those primal corners of your brain, the ones you don’t think about too often, the ones that trigger those subconscious fight-or-flight responses that really get your juices flowing, baby. Puts hair on your chest is what it does.

Early Verdict:


The Birthday Massacre – Fascination
(February 18, 2022)

The Birthday Massacre - Fascination

Don your oversized steampunk coats and strap on your platform boots with the 400 buckles! Gothic dance! Gothic dance! Everybody gothic dance!

I’m going to be brutally honest here. This music just ain’t for me. There’s a lot of music out there that actually is for me, so why should I bother with the music that ain’t for me? HERE’S WHY: because it’s a good to work that open-mindedness muscle once in a while, you dinguses. This is a perfect opportunity! I even have some good things to say about this!

If nothing else, the atmosphere is absolutely pitch perfect. Transportive, you might say. Pure darksynth whimsy from beginning to end, never once breaking character, never once straying from the little self-established fantasy world this music falls entirely within. Effervescent synthesizer pops and bubbles along as Sara “Chibi” Taylor sings in the most sweetly decadent, cartoonishly feminine voice you can possibly imagine. The chorus to “Once Again” (“I’m talking to the ghost of who I knew/I’m walking in the shadow left by you“) is so absolutely, infuriatingly, perfectly catchy that it’s unbelievable.

The caveat? It all sounds so damn phony. Perfectly crafted in a sterile gothic laboratory, designed to resonate emotionally with Disney-level precision. Half of these songs, especially the Mountain Dew-fueled darkwave “Like Fear, Like Love”, sound like a flawless, dusky autumn evening with friends during Six Flags Fright Fest. Like a magical goth prom night. Everything is so sparkly and indulgent, rife with the kind of rose-tinted nostalgia that you could only find in a terminally ’80s coming-of-age movie.

It’s not for me. Not at all. But this band is, without a doubt, the very best at what they do. Gotta give the credit where credit is due, after all.

Early Verdict:

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Marvel NOW! Point One #1!

Once upon a time, Marvel saw the success of the New 52 overhaul from DC Comics in 2011 and thought “ME TOO!” So they did their own version starting at the tail-end of 2012. #MeToo

As for me, I’ve been bouncing around Marvel with much less focus compared to DC, and now I’ll put in a little more focus by digging into the Marvel NOW! shit and see where it takes me. I’ll keep bouncing around, plugging along with Ultimate Spider-Man and Astonishing X-Men and others, certainly, as the sands of time slip away. But Marvel NOW! looks like it has a lot of fun stuff, so I can no longer resist its alluring aura. Plus, unlike DC’s New 52, which mostly has 52 shitty series with an average of about 52 shitty issues each, Marvel NOW! has about 700 shitty series with an average of about 15 shitty issues each! You can’t beat that! Series get done quicker. I can bounce around a little faster. Plus, there appears to be much less unnecessary crossover weaving.

The whole Marvel NOW! relaunch kicked off with a one-shot to get the ball rolling, and that’s what I’m covering today. Looks to be six short stories spread across about 60 pages. SO LET’S GET TO IT! Enough blabbin’.


Marvel NOW! Point One #1 [December, 2012]

Marvel NOW! Point One #1


“NYSE”
Written by: Nick Spencer

This story seems quite wordy and I’m already bored! Fuck Marvel NOW!

All right, we see Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (which is a complete bitch to type out, by the way) getting reassigned. Fury seems FURIOUS! Just kidding, he seems accommodating and patient, but also lacks a lot of info about what’s going on, so some attractive S.H.I.E.L.D. lady briefs him as she leads him into a basement of sorts. “You’re here to make a new friend.” she tells him, snarkily I’m sure.

She says she’s leading him to a man who was discovered at 9am on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange putting in tickets for over a dozen hedge funds. Every single ticket is making bank quickly. By 11am, everyone had noticed. Apparently, this man was suddenly in control of the economy of the entire goddamned world, moving billions in only three hours. S.H.I.E.L.D. ain’t havin’ that! So, time to get Nick Fury on his ass. Nick Furious!

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Cork it, Special Agent No-One-Fucking-Cares.

Fury’s not Furious yet, damnit. He’s not Fast either. He asks how the hell this could happen in the first place, and Agent Maria SomethingOrOther informs him that the man is from the future! 100 years in the future! 2112, by my watch. Rush made a whole album about that year, but failed to mention this part of it. Nick Fury doesn’t believe this shit, though. People from the future? That has never happened in the history of comic books!

Fury still doesn’t understand why he’s on this assignment. S.H.I.E.L.D. wants information from Future-Man, but Fury’s skills don’t involve interrogation. Basket-weaving, maybe. But, look sir, normally they’d agree with your hesitation, but… “He asked for you. That’s why. You. No one else.” It’s like, look Nick Fury, you’re pretty far down on our list of people we actually, uh, wanted, you know, working on literally anything. But here we are. Everyone’s sorry, trust me.

So they shove Nick Fury, who is wearing a stupid uniform by the way, into the interrogation room where Mr. 2112 is waiting. He’s happy to see him! “Nick Fury! In the flesh. Amazing.”

Fury asks for his name, but the man ignores him. He’s not too happy that the snarky Agent Coulson is there with Fury, but Coulson ain’t going anywhere, so onward they continue. “I want to tell you things that are important. I want to tell you what’s coming. But you — you won’t listen.” the guy says, smug and in a relaxed hands-behind-his-head position. He insists that there are real dangers that Fury and his kind aren’t even noticing, let alone addressing. Fury calmly tells him to spill.

The guy tells him that America will be seventh down the list of leading nations by the time he’s born. Yawn. We’re already lower than that in 2022. Next!

He’s not here to threaten, of course. He’s here to warn. “See, that’s what’s so special about this moment in time. You’ve still got the arrogance. You’re angry, but you don’t know why.” he keeps lording his I’m-from-the-future position all over these sad motherfuckers.

“You don’t know what’s waiting for you up in the stars.”

The End! Interest piqued? Mine neither! But that’s ok, this particular story is woven in between the others. Let’s move on for now, shall we?


“Guardians of the Galaxy”
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

“Wisconsin, 20 years ago.” Yeah yeah yeah, I saw this fucking movie in the theater with Chris Pratt Schwarzenegger Magoo and Vin Diesel was a tree. Very amusing.

Young Peter is walking home all slumpily in the windy, shitty Wisconsin weather. His mother is waiting on the porch. He tells her that someone was picking on a girl, no one was helping, and he’s not hurt. She tells him to go inside before it rains. She spots three bright lights in the woods across the lawn. “What the hell? Oh my God…is it you?” she asks the three bright lights. The three bright lights turn out to be three robot gun dudes! “THIS IS THE ONE CALLED MEREDITH QUILL. THE SPARTOI BLOODLINE WILL NOT CONTINUE.”

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Whoops, that’s gonna leave a freckle.

Then they blast her with lasers. Into the back, exit wound through the titty.

Little Peter Quill Pratt Parker Schwarzengger Whatever is cleaning up in the bathroom for dinner. Unbeknownst to him, his mother is FUCKING DEAD NOW or something. The robots enter the house looking for the kid, and he comes running out like a little nimrod. Didn’t you hear the lasers? Come on, loser, you’re dead meat now.

So they’re shooting at him, and this kid has no idea what’s going on! He’s just about pissing his overlong bangs about it. These robots, they’re crashin’ and smashin’. Little Peter Quillface runs to a closet, finds a shotgun, and blows these fuckers dead with one shot. That’s some quick thinking, son.

As he’s trying to process that his mother had a shotgun in the closet in the first place, he’s mesmerized by the sun symbol on the robots’ laser guns.

But then he hightails it out of there when, heh heh, uh, a big goddamned spaceship blows up his house. That’s gotta hurt! Heh!


“Diamondhead”
Written by: Jeph Loeb

Some little punk in a black and yellow suit is zipping across the country like a comet. A big, blue, streaking comet. He’s not even flying, it’s like he was launched or something. From NYC to St. Louis to Kansas to Utah, all while talking to himself about how he can’t believe Thor let him be an Avenger!

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Oh boy, the hyperactive blue streak will be an indispensable asset to real QUICK-THINKERS like Captain America and the Falcon.

This kid’s just a nobody from nowhere! Wow! What an opportunity!

Some diamond-looking guy with a diamond on his belt and a diamond-looking head, I’m gonna call him Diamondhead, stops this twerp in his tracks while over Utah. He asks the kid who he is with an uppercut to the jaw! Bam!

“Who am I? Who the heck are you?!” he squeals.
“Name’s Diamondhead. You should know that!” Diamondhead responds. Even I knew that, it’s the title of the story! Duh!
“And…what’s your problem other than you’re ugly?” the kid whines.
“They said you were all dead!” claims Diamondhead. “Rich Rider. The Nova Corps. All dead.”

The kid, whose name I still don’t know, tells him that he’s sort of right. Before he tells Diamondhead his name, Diamondhead flies him straight into the side of a big Utah butte! Kaboom and shit.

Diamondhead tells the kid that he’s been tracking him since New York. Nova sucks! They’re jerks! Buncha punks! He wants his revenge. The kid tells him that he has nothing to do with THAT Nova, so step off old man!

But Diamondhead is performing a little preemptive strike here. Fool me twice, shame on me. That kind of thing! Nova tries to fight back, but the half-pint shouldn’t really even try. This guy’s made of diamonds! Don’t you know how hard diamonds are? Rock hard, kiddo. Rock hard all day. Diamondhead tells him that he’s gonna kill him and keep his cute little Nova helmet as a trophy. And the Nova kid is like “fat chance, pops” and hits him with a burst of extremely intense, blinding blue light.

Marvel NOW! Point One #1

Don’t worry, I absolutely promise that I didn’t just dissolve your rods and cones into piles of sticky goo.

Diamondhead is blind now, so he’s sad and whimpering. After assuring Diamondhead that the blindness might be temporary, possibly, maybe, he warns him not to fuck with him anymore. “You’ll have a lot more than just me to worry about. I’m bringin’ in the Avengers. Cap. Thor. Iron Man. That chick with the thing on her thing. All of them.” And Diamondhead gets the picture. Loud and clear. Aye aye.

Diamondhead asks if the little Nova kid can at least fly him to the next town, but Nova leaves that blind bastard high and dry!

We cut to Future-Man speaking with Nick Fury back in NYC, tying in the Nova story as a metaphor for America. “You flew so bright and so fast for such a short while. That alone makes it worth the visit, if you ask me.”

Future-Man is all high and mighty about how primitive America was in the present day. Agent Maria is getting impatient now, struggling to find how this is worth anyone’s time, and asks for files on any known time-travelers or time-traveling-related cases. Ahh, and Future-Man considers them all lucky, getting to know how the next few generations will play out in real time. He mentions something called “The Ascendant”, and then starts waxing nostalgic about the adorable youngins who want to make names for themselves…

Hey! We’re not done! Click for Page 2!

East of West, Issue #4

East of West, Issue #4 – “The Promise”

* Part 4 of 15 of the The Apocalypse: Year One storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #4 – “The Promise”! In the previous installment, the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse figure out that the Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse is likely headed to New Shanghai to find his wife. His wife is just some seemingly normal woman, Xiaolian, sister of Hu the Security Minister, daughter of Chairman Mao. But, like, the 2064 Chairman Mao. Like, eight generations of Maos later. Premier Mao.

Premier Mao has an army of thousands awaiting Death’s arrival. Death ain’t afraid, though. He’s Death. Death is what he does. His modus operandi, goddamnit!

That’s the size of it. This series is very good so far and I’ve only barely read 1/10th of it, so onward I must press.


East of West, Issue #4 [July, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Promise”

East of West, Issue #4

Premier Mao is a cranky old fuck; grimacing bitterly at his daughter, the one who married Death, the one who is now the reason why Death comes a-knockin’. “Tell me, little flower…was it worth it?”

And a vision appears of a near future where Xiaolian and Death are sucking face right in front of everyone. Just tongue-wrasslin’ like dogs in heat! Oh my, indeed! She gives her dad a wry grin: “Yes.”

When I was a child, you taught me regret was for the weak. How can you expect me to feel such a thing now?

Keep your great society. Take it with you to the grave.

“He is here, Premier. Death has reached the great wall.” says the messenger, the one who was sent over to Death to negotiate and Death said “Go stick your negotiations up your dank butt, homes.” So, with Mao’s offer refused, the Premier has no choice but to rally his men! Hooah! Semper Fi! I don’t know, but I’ve been told, getting killed by Death gets mighty old!

Mao and his army really genuinely think they’re gonna take on Death and win! Fools! Death, taxes, and so forth! “We will make this man an example for the world to see.” Pffft, good fucking luck.

East of West, Issue #4

Call me old-fashioned, but in my day I settled a spat with a hug and a big plate of pancakes.

Yeah, thought so. Mao barely finishes his thought when an explosion blasts open his fortress wall. Death rides in on his future horse robot bug, Wolf and Crow flanking him on foot. Some army leader guy announces their obvious arrival and instructs his men to open fire. This really pisses off the future horse robot bug, which whinnies on its hind legs and then sends a huge fiery blast from its weird face. A lot of them die. There’s a big hole in the ground now. Nobody should probably mess with this bastard anymore.

“It’s true!” Death cries, “I see her! On the terrace with the old man and the Chosen.” Crow, however, is a little unsettled by the size of Mao’s army: “There are so many of them.” To this, though, Death is like “HA! HA HA! WHATEVER, TOOTS! DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID?? JUST A FEW MORE BLASTS FROM MY BUG HORSE AND I’LL BE GIVING MY WIFE FREE MUSTACHE RIDES, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING HERE?!”

And Death doesn’t even have a mustache!

And off they ride farther into the fray. Death’s got guns with real bullets, man. This is some serious business. They’re just wasting all these poor saps with ease. Mao and his daughters just watch with fascination. “No concern over the lives lost. Not a thought given to the cost. Only their greater goal matters.” Mao waxes philosophical. It’s like, yeah man, Death wants some pussy! Are you surprised?

East of West, Issue #4

Ring ring! Death is here to…well, you’re gonna find out soon.

Hell, Mao smiles with admiration at all this unfolding before him! At least now he is. Obviously, later, he grimaces. We went over that already. For a few pages, narration goes over Mao’s history and how the family ended up in New Shanghai: When Mao was cast out of China, he and his followers set up shop in the New World. I’m not sure which Mao this is, because it’s not the original Mao. That would be weird! But maybe it was? Mao I left China, Mao II built the new Great Wall, Mao III built the new great nation. Don’t forget, dear readers, that New Shanghai is located somewhere in Tennessee or something. This is all happening in North America, kids!

The Mao dynasty took advantage of the constant civil wars occurring in the nation and POUNCED! Pounced like a cat! In no time at all, 15 years or so, they had taken 1/3 of the land.

Premier Mao’s army was 20 million! And Death killed them all during one episode of Wheel of Fortune. ♪♫ Sucks to be him ♪♫

East of West, Issue #4

Pops is losing it. Someone get him in front of Fox News. Tucker Carlson always calms the old man down.

While all that narration was happening, a massive flock of ravens swarmed in and…I dunno, pecked a bunch of soldiers to death or something?

It’s at about this time that reality dawns on Premier Mao: he’s fucked. And he’s not happy about it! He seemed happy at first that his soldiers were dying, but now he is most definitely not at all happy! “I was such a fool.” he breathes gently in a tiny font, but Hu doesn’t want to give up just yet. “FATHER! This is not over. They have not won…but we have to leave.” she insists, which sounds a lot like giving up after all, actually.

Xiaolian chimes in, at last, and asks what they all plan on doing. Jerkin’ their schlongs? “You cannot hide from Death. You cannot hide from me.” she says to her sister, and at this, Hu ain’t havin’ it any more and she whips out her retractable sword-thing. She lunges at Xiaolian, swings her sword, misses, and chops off a generous length of her ponytail.

East of West, Issue #4

You should have let me kill her when we were kids and she snapped all my Spirograph pieces in half!

Hu’s pretty mad! She takes another swing at Xiaolian, who stops Hu’s sword dead in its tracks with one of her super cool armor gloves. They may not even be gloves! Maybe she dipped her hands in, uh, diamond juice.

Xiaolian barely even moves while Hu attempts to wriggle out of her sister’s grip on the sword. “When I look back on who I used to be, it is with shame.” Xiaolian begins her little soliloquy, “I thought I was as hard as the hardest stone. As sharp as the sharpest steel. You showed me how wrong I was, Hu.”

Xiaolian facehugs Hu with one big metal hand. “Now I am steel. Now I am stone. So I thank you for that, sister. Thank you for what you helped me become.”

And she crushes Hu’s head like a goddamn grape.

East of West, Issue #4

Now we know what happened to Death’s testicles.

It’s the second time I’ve read about someone’s head getting crushed by someone’s bare hand(s). In this case, though, we got to see it! Groovy! Splurk!

Premier Mao barely even paid attention to Xiaolian’s act of sororicide. He’s moaning and groaning about losing everything: his empire, his whatever else. Xiaolian assures him that she’s still there! So Mao decides to throw in the towel and give Xiaolian everything that’s left of the house, army, country, Hu’s mysteriously murdered remains! “Remember what I taught you, and build something better with it.” he tells her. Her reply, as she plays around with Hu’s sword, is “Farewell, Father. I will miss you. The world will not.”

And she whacks her father’s head clean off his body. This one isn’t a “splurk” sound, though. It’s a “chunk”.

Xiaolian wastes no time. “LISTEN TO ME! MAO IS DEAD. I AM NOW THE HOUSE OF MAO. ON. YOUR. KNEES!” she yells at the army through Mao’s Casio headset speakerphone. She pretends that they’re all standing down because they all “lost too much already”, but it’s really because she wants to bone down on that hot piece of White Cowboy.

Remember Andrew Archibald Chamberlain, Chief of Staff at the Black Towers? He’s the one who cheated Death at the end of Issue #2 by working out a deal to form a partnership? Well, he’s in a bed with three nude women watching footage of Mao’s decapitated head. My dude over here, this is my dude.

East of West, Issue #4

Hey Chamberlain, can’t we watch something else for a change? I think The Good Doctor is on ABC right now.

The Other Three Horsemen are there too. He congratulates all of them on keeping their own heads through this whole ordeal! Chamberlain pulled through on getting Death what he wanted (pussy). So now he asks the Three Grubby Little Horsemen what he can do for them.

Moe, Larry, and Curly tell Chamberlain that they know Death has a list of the Chosen, and his name is on there, so Death will no doubt be coming by soon to chop his triple blowjob dick off, so watch out for that. Also, have you seen him, maybe, sir?

East of West, Issue #4

But I hear death is nice and cozy if you just give it a chance.

Chamberlain plays it cool. “If I had seen him, do you think I would be capable of enjoying this beautiful day, frolicking with the angels, and playing host to the three of you?”

The Horst-Men aren’t buying it. They know that this bastard can talk his way out of a, uh, nut factory, with, uh, a squirrel’s…like, face. Yeah. It would be foolhardy, of course, to do so, but they wouldn’t put it past him. They warn him that all unbelievers of the Message, and the “compromised”, will be punished. Eventually! Some day. Chamberlain gives these kids a lickin’, tells them to go do their job and stop worrying so much about him. This makes the Red horsey-man’s eyes bulge with incredulity. “You dare?” he asks.

Chamberlain scoffs at the little brats! What does he have to fear? War? He’s known war all his life! Conquest? He is a conquistador! Famine? Pfft. He eats famine for breakfast! Death? Yeah, actually. Death is the scary one. But he points out that they, too, are afraid of him. The only difference? Chamberlain understands Death! Meanwhile, the little snot-noses are scrambling trying to find him, trying to figure out why he abandoned them in the first place, and trying to get a handle on this Apocalypse they’re attempting to try the world on for size!

And here’s the answer, poindexters! Xiaolian! Death wants to get his dick wet, dummies. Why is this so hard for you to understand? “You should fear her as much as you fear him.” Because she’ll crush your head if you so much as look at her wrong. Or right. Or at all.

And we see Death, Crow, and Wolf all on a bent knee in front of Xiaolian; dead soldiers littering the landscape of the House of Mao.

“For this is the woman who conquered Death.”

Final Thoughts

Yeah baby.

Sucky Funnies for March 6, 2022

Welcome to the first Sunday of March. Spring is near. There’s a war in Europe. 2022 is in full swing! Today I have strips from Six Chix, Curtis, and Family Circus. Enjoy, or don’t, it doesn’t matter to me.


Six Chix

ix Chix - March 6, 2022

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Six Chix brings to light one of them many paradoxes of living life as a human being on this dumb Earth: Only the people in your own generation are any good. Every single person in the previous generation really sucks. Every single person in the following generation sucks even more. This Law of Humanity will continue until the sun becomes a red giant, engulfs all of life on Earth as we know it, and this trivial human nonsense can no longer perpetuate. That’s assuming we don’t colonize some other planet and ruin that one with our vapid generational squabbles as well.

Yeesh, that’s a depressing thought. Here, let’s forget I said anything. How about a nice Six Chix comic strip to take our minds off of it? Everyone point and laugh at the washed up old ranting man.


Curtis

Curtis - March 6, 2022

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Curtis’ dad has nightmares about his oldest son every night. He’s tried a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a sleep counselor, copious amounts of alcohol, and about fourteen difference prescription-strength medications. Curtis’ mom keeps a gun in her nightstand with a single bullet in the chamber. Just in case.


Family Circus

Family Circus - March 6, 2022

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All four children from Family Circus have been conscripted into the Ukrainian army to help defend the nation against Putin’s ruthless invaders. We wish them all the best. Except for Jeffy. We all hope Jeffy doesn’t come back in one piece.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Turning Points”

* Part 7 of 7 of the Traps and Trapezes storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Turning Points”! It’s the final issue of the story, baby. In the previous installment, Raymond and Raya help prepare a tribute show in Gotham City in honor of Grayson’s dead mom and dad. It’s a trap to kill him in front of thousands of people.

So the tribute show is prepared. Saiko shows up. Nightwing and Saiko fight in the rafters, near the ceiling, above the tribute show. Saiko reveals that he is GRAYSON’S OLD FRIEND RAYMOND! Nightwing is confused! And he’s confused further by Raymond’s still-unclear motives.

Raymond presses a button and the circus blows up lol

So this is the aftermath. It’s been quite a ride?


Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [May, 2012]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“Turning Points”

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

“Saiko’s last act…the death of Dick Grayson!” Yeah, let’s get this show on the road, I’ve got waffles in the toaster.

Grayson starts getting meatheadedly philosophical again. He’s talking about turning points and forks in the road in life. It’s about as deep as his butthole.

ANYWAY, he’s thinking about his parents cracking their heads on the ground again for the zillionth time as he swings around the stadium watching the inferno below. The sprinklers don’t do anything since it’s a chemical fire. Saiko has locked all the doors, trapping everyone inside. “Come on Dick – you’re supposed to be an improviser. Start acting like it.” Grayson tells himself, as if anyone has ever confirmed his self-appointed “improviser” status in his life.

Saiko “Everybody Loves” Raymond starts taunting Grayson about the speech he made before the show started. Asks him if he regrets leaving Haly’s Circus in the first place? I mean, that’s why all this is happening, isn’t it? ISN’T IT??

Grayson is confused! What the fuck is Raymond’s problem, anyway? And Raymond finally reveals his murderous motivations…

…Grayson left the circus!

And now he tells his EXCITING story.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Better watch yourself or the Circus Mafia will come and getcha.

So, as you can see, Mr. Haly used all those hours of watching the Sopranos to good use! This circus owner hired some goons to drive a car into a river. And then he kept Raymond locked in a wardrobe for months surrounded by daggers and knives until he went nuts. And then he made him climb a barbed wire rope!

So this sounds cuckoo nutty, right? Well guess what, chumps, Haly’s Circus isn’t a circus at all! It’s a front to GROOM YOUNG MEN TO BECOME KILLERS AND ASSASSINS by DESTROYING THEIR LIVES AND THEIR SANITY!

Cool, huh?

But, with Raymond, he kind of sucked at it. All the torture and whipping and name-calling and constant Stouffer’s dinners weren’t doing the job very well of making him feral and mean. So they threw him in a forest to let birds peck at his eyes for a bit, until he died.

BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU? DICK GRAYSON? YOU FUCK.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Fear my fiery hot magnesium! *ptnk*

And Nightwing is just like “look, creep, I don’t care HOW many Stouffer’s dinners you had to eat! This sounds cuckoo nutty!” and they continue fighting for a little while longer. “Killing all these people isn’t going to help anything.” Nightwing tells him, always the muted voice of reason.

This is the part where the villain starts talking too much and giving the hero valuable information to use against him. In this case, Psycho Raymundo tells Nightwing that it’s a magnesium fire! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, lookie here toots, Nightwing has encyclopedic knowledge of magnesium fires after having started forty of them at high school before getting expelled and having to join the stinky circus! So, aha, the best way to actually put out a magnesium fire is to smother it with cum. Sand. Smother it with sand. I meant sand.

And lucky for the thousands of sad circus-goers below, Gotham City is positively BUILT on miles upon miles of catacombs filled with sand! Isn’t that absolutely nifty? So Nightwing’s bright idea is to cut loose the giant 100-ton scoreboard hanging above the center of the building, allow it to crash down, and hopefully that will dredge up enough sand from under the building to put out the flames. It’ll probably work too, this is a comic book and I think Kyle Higgins is eleven years old.

Ah, what actually happens is that the scoreboard creates a giant hole that leads to the unfathomable depths below, where most of the area that is actually on fire falls down into. The fire goes below ground, the patrons are sort of safe for now I suppose (?), but Saiko and Nightwing keep battling near the big scary hole. Maybe someone should push them both in and start sealing up this stupid hole before either of them can come back up!

Bryan Haly, the drunk piece of circus shit, is hacking and coughing from the smoke while Raya looks disgruntled. “It wasn’t *cough* supposed to be like this, Raya! He said it was just *cough* supposed to be Grayson!” he desperately flails at her, but she’s pissed as hell, man! Real low shit, sir.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

OHHH THE HUMANITY!

Nightwing, clinging on the edge of the hole, fights his way back up to the floor…but Saiko boots him in the face! “A valiant effort, Dick…truly. You managed to swap death by flames for death by asphyxiation. I’m sure the masses are grateful.” Saiko drawls, probably filing his nails a little bit while he talks. And now Nightwing’s in the bargaining phase, attempting to talk some sense into Raymond. “These people are your friends!” And Raymond’s like “fuck those friends!”

Saiko Raymond takes this opportunity to let Nightwing know that he and Raya are in cahoots! Bryan Haly, too! “Raya and I are in this together, Dick…willing to do whatever it takes for this to finally end.”

And as the crowd coughs and attempts heroic feats of not dying from the smoke, Raya is probably having other thoughts right now.

She pulls out her own little remote control, similar to the one Raymond had to trigger the explosion, and presses the button. The doors of the stadium open to the outside.

Raymond is all like “WHUZZAH WHUT?” Nightwing smiles triumphantly, and gets a little more pep in his step! Now Nightwing’s got the upper hand! He starts punching a bitch!

“You think all this terrible stuff happened to you because I left Haly’s? Fine…believe that. But we both know it’s not true.”

Ha, but it is true you little dullard. Raymond reminds Grayson whose name he discovered in that book he found, and Grayson’s giant shocked face fills a whole damn page! That’s a lot of ink that went into the ultimate frown! “That’s right, Dick – they didn’t want me…they wanted you.”

But then that fucker left the circus and start dancing around town with that sexy billionaire.

So chew on that, spaz. Grayson doesn’t know how to handle this, so he keeps trying to kick Raymond’s ass instead. They both knock each other off some scaffolding. Nightwing hangs on, but Raymond keeps tumbling down into the massive hole.

Nightwing has a device that he wears as brass knuckles, but it looks like the hookshot from Ocarina of Time. He launches it at Raymond and impales his leg with it in a bloody mess! Hurrah! He’s saved! But Raymond’s like “oh no you don’t” and severs the hookshot with his Wolverine claws. Raymond continues his fall into oblivion. Bye Raymond! Try harder next time, Haly didn’t torture you for months for you to die like a pussy in some giant hole.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Who could blame any of these people? I want Grayson dead too.

Later, Grayson changes back into his street clothes and explains to the cops that he was trapped on the wrong side of the stadium when the scoreboard fell. There’s using that ol’ improv brain, Grayson! Meanwhile, some other officers haul Raya’s ass into the back of a cop car. Grayson tries to catch up with her real quick: “They said you confessed, Raya…that you were working with Raymond to do all this…? Help me understand, please… I need you to help me understand why?”

And Raya, she just glares at him silently with an enormous sourpuss face. And then gets hauled off to the gulag.

Everything’s back to normal now. Well, ok, nothing is ever back to normal. Nightwing returns to Wayne Manor to find Bruce wringing his hands over all that Court of Owls stuff he’s been preoccupied with. This must be after he escaped from the labyrinth. He’s got Talon, the Big Bad of the Court of Owls, propped up in a rather undignified device. Talon looks like Paul Stanley from KISS!

Bruce yammers about trying to revive the dead guy he kidnapped and squirrelled away into his cave, but Nightwing is only half-listening. Once Bruce tells him that Talon is his great-grandfather, Nightwing snaps out of it. “Buh-what?”

Talon’s name is William Cobb. Bruce keeps DNA samples of everyone he ever comes into contact with! He’s a match with Grayson.
Nightwing feels like there’s something Bruce isn’t telling him, which I’ve gathered to be a running theme with every single person who Bruce Wayne ever has a relationship with. Well NO MAS! Nightwing starts bitching him out.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #7

ggg FFFffmffsfsfff rrrrrrgghhhh angry

He goes on to yell at him about the ordeal he has just been through over the course of the last few weeks. Circuses, Bruce! Circuses are fucking gross! So if Bruce thinks that keeping a secret like this is a big fuckin’ deal, that knowledge of a criminal ancestor is going to matter much at all, then, boy howdy, Nightwing’s gonna have to rough him up real good! And –

KRACK

That’s the sound of Bruce punching Nightwing in that pretty mouth of his. Blood everywhere. Nightwing’s on the floor now. lol

“You were supposed to be one too, Dick.” Bruce says simply, holding up a tooth he smacked out of the kid’s mouth, the one with a Talon symbol. “One” refers to a criminal. A member of the Court. A Talon. Bruce tells him that Haly’s Circus brought a crop of children to the Court every decade, and the Court picked a winner! And that winner got to be tortured and fed Stouffer’s meals until he became insane enough to be a good assassin for the Owly Ones. Trained to be “that era’s Talon”. Grayson was supposed to be the most recent one, but his parents ate the concrete and Bruce brought him in under his own wing.

Bruce admits something he never admitted in the Batman Vol. 2 Court of Owls storyline: the Gotham City he thought he knew doesn’t exist. The Owls have been running things for a long-ass time. This isn’t his city after all. It’s Owl City! Remember that dumb song about the fireflies? Yuck.

Nightwing’s still got the fire in him. He doesn’t give a SHIT who his ancestor’s were or what the Court wanted with him. It’s all about choice, son. Choice. The roles aren’t determined by the past. “The Court of Owls is just another bad guy, Bruce. They’re a little grayer around the temples is all.” he thinks, but that’s probably something he should’ve said out loud.

Later, alone in the cave, Grayson thumbs through the Haly Book of Groomed Assassins. Alfred observes in the distance as Grayson does some more thinking that I won’t even bother writing out here. More of that smarty man philosophy, ending with “we are not defined by our tragedies”.

Alfred emerges and tells him that there’s something else he should see. It’s a photo of a crime scene; a double murder, and one of Nightwing’s weapons was discovered next to the bodies. I mentioned this for a brief paragraph in Issue #6’s writeup, and I’m glad that it’s going to haunt him now!

“We’re defined by how we choose to react to being challenged.”

Nightwing smiles.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I don’t know anymore about this Nightwing loser. Time to move on! Starting to think he should’ve died along with his parents, thereby sparing the rest of us forever.