Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #4 – “The Promise”! In the previous installment, the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse figure out that the Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse is likely headed to New Shanghai to find his wife. His wife is just some seemingly normal woman, Xiaolian, sister of Hu the Security Minister, daughter of Chairman Mao. But, like, the 2064 Chairman Mao. Like, eight generations of Maos later. Premier Mao.
Premier Mao has an army of thousands awaiting Death’s arrival. Death ain’t afraid, though. He’s Death. Death is what he does. His modus operandi, goddamnit!
That’s the size of it. This series is very good so far and I’ve only barely read 1/10th of it, so onward I must press.
East of West, Issue #4 [July, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Promise”
Premier Mao is a cranky old fuck; grimacing bitterly at his daughter, the one who married Death, the one who is now the reason why Death comes a-knockin’. “Tell me, little flower…was it worth it?”
And a vision appears of a near future where Xiaolian and Death are sucking face right in front of everyone. Just tongue-wrasslin’ like dogs in heat! Oh my, indeed! She gives her dad a wry grin: “Yes.”
“When I was a child, you taught me regret was for the weak. How can you expect me to feel such a thing now?”
“Keep your great society. Take it with you to the grave.”
“He is here, Premier. Death has reached the great wall.” says the messenger, the one who was sent over to Death to negotiate and Death said “Go stick your negotiations up your dank butt, homes.” So, with Mao’s offer refused, the Premier has no choice but to rally his men! Hooah! Semper Fi! I don’t know, but I’ve been told, getting killed by Death gets mighty old!
Mao and his army really genuinely think they’re gonna take on Death and win! Fools! Death, taxes, and so forth! “We will make this man an example for the world to see.” Pffft, good fucking luck.
Call me old-fashioned, but in my day I settled a spat with a hug and a big plate of pancakes.
Yeah, thought so. Mao barely finishes his thought when an explosion blasts open his fortress wall. Death rides in on his future horse robot bug, Wolf and Crow flanking him on foot. Some army leader guy announces their obvious arrival and instructs his men to open fire. This really pisses off the future horse robot bug, which whinnies on its hind legs and then sends a huge fiery blast from its weird face. A lot of them die. There’s a big hole in the ground now. Nobody should probably mess with this bastard anymore.
“It’s true!” Death cries, “I see her! On the terrace with the old man and the Chosen.” Crow, however, is a little unsettled by the size of Mao’s army: “There are so many of them.” To this, though, Death is like “HA! HA HA! WHATEVER, TOOTS! DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID?? JUST A FEW MORE BLASTS FROM MY BUG HORSE AND I’LL BE GIVING MY WIFE FREE MUSTACHE RIDES, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING HERE?!”
And Death doesn’t even have a mustache!
And off they ride farther into the fray. Death’s got guns with real bullets, man. This is some serious business. They’re just wasting all these poor saps with ease. Mao and his daughters just watch with fascination. “No concern over the lives lost. Not a thought given to the cost. Only their greater goal matters.” Mao waxes philosophical. It’s like, yeah man, Death wants some pussy! Are you surprised?
Ring ring! Death is here to…well, you’re gonna find out soon.
Hell, Mao smiles with admiration at all this unfolding before him! At least now he is. Obviously, later, he grimaces. We went over that already. For a few pages, narration goes over Mao’s history and how the family ended up in New Shanghai: When Mao was cast out of China, he and his followers set up shop in the New World. I’m not sure which Mao this is, because it’s not the original Mao. That would be weird! But maybe it was? Mao I left China, Mao II built the new Great Wall, Mao III built the new great nation. Don’t forget, dear readers, that New Shanghai is located somewhere in Tennessee or something. This is all happening in North America, kids!
The Mao dynasty took advantage of the constant civil wars occurring in the nation and POUNCED! Pounced like a cat! In no time at all, 15 years or so, they had taken 1/3 of the land.
Premier Mao’s army was 20 million! And Death killed them all during one episode of Wheel of Fortune. ♪♫ Sucks to be him ♪♫
Pops is losing it. Someone get him in front of Fox News. Tucker Carlson always calms the old man down.
While all that narration was happening, a massive flock of ravens swarmed in and…I dunno, pecked a bunch of soldiers to death or something?
It’s at about this time that reality dawns on Premier Mao: he’s fucked. And he’s not happy about it! He seemed happy at first that his soldiers were dying, but now he is most definitely not at all happy! “I was such a fool.” he breathes gently in a tiny font, but Hu doesn’t want to give up just yet. “FATHER! This is not over. They have not won…but we have to leave.” she insists, which sounds a lot like giving up after all, actually.
Xiaolian chimes in, at last, and asks what they all plan on doing. Jerkin’ their schlongs? “You cannot hide from Death. You cannot hide from me.” she says to her sister, and at this, Hu ain’t havin’ it any more and she whips out her retractable sword-thing. She lunges at Xiaolian, swings her sword, misses, and chops off a generous length of her ponytail.
You should have let me kill her when we were kids and she snapped all my Spirograph pieces in half!
Hu’s pretty mad! She takes another swing at Xiaolian, who stops Hu’s sword dead in its tracks with one of her super cool armor gloves. They may not even be gloves! Maybe she dipped her hands in, uh, diamond juice.
Xiaolian barely even moves while Hu attempts to wriggle out of her sister’s grip on the sword. “When I look back on who I used to be, it is with shame.” Xiaolian begins her little soliloquy, “I thought I was as hard as the hardest stone. As sharp as the sharpest steel. You showed me how wrong I was, Hu.”
Xiaolian facehugs Hu with one big metal hand. “Now I am steel. Now I am stone. So I thank you for that, sister. Thank you for what you helped me become.”
And she crushes Hu’s head like a goddamn grape.
Now we know what happened to Death’s testicles.
It’s the second time I’ve read about someone’s head getting crushed by someone’s bare hand(s). In this case, though, we got to see it! Groovy! Splurk!
Premier Mao barely even paid attention to Xiaolian’s act of sororicide. He’s moaning and groaning about losing everything: his empire, his whatever else. Xiaolian assures him that she’s still there! So Mao decides to throw in the towel and give Xiaolian everything that’s left of the house, army, country, Hu’s mysteriously murdered remains! “Remember what I taught you, and build something better with it.” he tells her. Her reply, as she plays around with Hu’s sword, is “Farewell, Father. I will miss you. The world will not.”
And she whacks her father’s head clean off his body. This one isn’t a “splurk” sound, though. It’s a “chunk”.
Xiaolian wastes no time. “LISTEN TO ME! MAO IS DEAD. I AM NOW THE HOUSE OF MAO. ON. YOUR. KNEES!” she yells at the army through Mao’s Casio headset speakerphone. She pretends that they’re all standing down because they all “lost too much already”, but it’s really because she wants to bone down on that hot piece of White Cowboy.
Remember Andrew Archibald Chamberlain, Chief of Staff at the Black Towers? He’s the one who cheated Death at the end of Issue #2 by working out a deal to form a partnership? Well, he’s in a bed with three nude women watching footage of Mao’s decapitated head. My dude over here, this is my dude.
Hey Chamberlain, can’t we watch something else for a change? I think The Good Doctor is on ABC right now.
The Other Three Horsemen are there too. He congratulates all of them on keeping their own heads through this whole ordeal! Chamberlain pulled through on getting Death what he wanted (pussy). So now he asks the Three Grubby Little Horsemen what he can do for them.
Moe, Larry, and Curly tell Chamberlain that they know Death has a list of the Chosen, and his name is on there, so Death will no doubt be coming by soon to chop his triple blowjob dick off, so watch out for that. Also, have you seen him, maybe, sir?
But I hear death is nice and cozy if you just give it a chance.
Chamberlain plays it cool. “If I had seen him, do you think I would be capable of enjoying this beautiful day, frolicking with the angels, and playing host to the three of you?”
The Horst-Men aren’t buying it. They know that this bastard can talk his way out of a, uh, nut factory, with, uh, a squirrel’s…like, face. Yeah. It would be foolhardy, of course, to do so, but they wouldn’t put it past him. They warn him that all unbelievers of the Message, and the “compromised”, will be punished. Eventually! Some day. Chamberlain gives these kids a lickin’, tells them to go do their job and stop worrying so much about him. This makes the Red horsey-man’s eyes bulge with incredulity. “You dare?” he asks.
Chamberlain scoffs at the little brats! What does he have to fear? War? He’s known war all his life! Conquest? He is a conquistador! Famine? Pfft. He eats famine for breakfast! Death? Yeah, actually. Death is the scary one. But he points out that they, too, are afraid of him. The only difference? Chamberlain understands Death! Meanwhile, the little snot-noses are scrambling trying to find him, trying to figure out why he abandoned them in the first place, and trying to get a handle on this Apocalypse they’re attempting to try the world on for size!
And here’s the answer, poindexters! Xiaolian! Death wants to get his dick wet, dummies. Why is this so hard for you to understand? “You should fear her as much as you fear him.” Because she’ll crush your head if you so much as look at her wrong. Or right. Or at all.
And we see Death, Crow, and Wolf all on a bent knee in front of Xiaolian; dead soldiers littering the landscape of the House of Mao.
“For this is the woman who conquered Death.”
Final Thoughts
Yeah baby.
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