Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “‘Til Death Do Us Part”

* Part 5 of 7 of the Traps and Trapezes storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “‘Til Death Do Us Part”! In the previous installment, Batgirl shows up and makes Redhead Raya nervous. Batgirl and Nightwing spend the night chasing down some no-name who-cares from a case that Batgirl is working on. Raya doesn’t like that Grayson spent the whole night with Barbara Gordon. They’ll probably fight about it insufferably in this issue.

Also, Dick Grayson finds a book in the main circus tent with his name in it. He was like “that’s my name!”. This is the level of intrigue that Kyle Higgins can muster up for us.

In short, I’m peeing myself with suspense here.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“‘Til Death Do Us Part”

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

And if the cover is any clue, Nightwing is gonna have to marry a giant monster lady who eats him in Issue #5, which is a drastic deviation from circus-related shenanigans and/or young redhead boning. Sounds titillating!

In a graveyard, in front of a specific tombstone, a young woman is performing a scary voodoo seance, complete with a circle of candles and jingling beads! “In all that transpires between this world and the next, I bid thee…come forward!” she cries. This young woman is Zohna, daughter of Jeremiah and Ciara, which she has to say to the demon that pops out of the ground because she read a lot of fantasy novels where demons have to hear your name and your parents’ names before they talk to you.

“WHO DARES TO WAKE THE SPIRIT ACHERON” booms the demon thing. I looked up “Acheron” and that Kyle Higgins nerd picked a Dungeon & Dragons reference. The demon, fresh from Demon Estates or wherever in Hell that demons come from, is ready to do whatever bidding Zohna asks. Laundry. Gardening. Give her what is rightfully hers, whatever that is. We’ll find out later. It’s bound to be something inexplicably Haly’s Circus-related, though!

Tonight, Nightwing motorcycles through Louisiana chasing his train. He got sidetracked researching hired killers (probably with binoculars, in some bushes, with his hand down his pants), but it was worth it! Now he’s trying to get back to the train unnoticed, even though his vehicle likely sounds like a jackhammer as he hurls from a ramp into the caboose train car.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Too bad I’m fucking illiterate. What do you want from me? I grew up in the circus!

He fills the reader in on the current Nightwing drama while he dresses back into his street clothes and frowns at the big book he found in the circus tent. It’s his only clue he has so far, and it’s a stupid pile of nothing. He already knew his name! That’s not new information!

But the book is full of other names too, names that are so old he can’t even prove these people even existed. Bah! Fucking frustrating! Where’s Grayson’s redhead at?! Daddy needs to let off some stress! Oh, right, the Barbara Gordon thing. Yeah, that was awkward. I guess they’re not speaking to each other right now.

The next morning, while the crew sets up the circus in whatever bumfuck town they’re in now (New Orleans!), Jimmy the Cranky Clown is reading a letter to himself. We only see this part: “Because we were meant to be together, Jimmy, forever. You need to stop denying it. For both our sakes.” It sounds to me like Jimmy ran away and joined the circus! He snaps out of it when Raya approaches and asks him what his fucking problem is.

Marc, Raya’s acrobat partner-in-crime, tells Raya to talk to Grayson because New Orleans is too swampy to set up properly without cement. Raya doesn’t want to talk to that lowlife, obviously, but Marc’s like “do it, boss”. Raya frowns. She and Grayson can be frown-twins.

Speaking of Grayson, he spends a couple pages regaling us about a dream he keeps having. You know how people love hearing about others’ dreams, right? Heh heh. Everyone hates that! *shifts eyes nervously toward tomorrow’s scheduled article…*. Anyway, Grayson’s dream is about his friend Raymond and his parents, three dead people. He thinks that he’s thinking about them because Zane fucked with his brain a couple issues back, but he’s nonetheless unnerved. And so am I. Let’s get back to the Hell Demon already!

A knock on the door wakes Grayson up out of his nightmare about smiling friends and family. It’s Raya to tell him about the cement. And that’s it. Nothing else. Nope. Nothing. That’s it! I’m going now. That’s all I needed from you! Bye.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Barbara? I don’t know any Barbara! This is about the other girl. You know the one. The other redhead. I think her name’s Barbara.

OK, well, Grayson’s not gonna let that go right now, so he turns on the Grayson Charm (i.e. sprays his dick with Axe body spray) and tells Raya to lighten the hell up. It’s date time, baby! And Raya can’t stay too mad at this swarthy hunk o’ man, so she gives in within fourteen seconds. What’s that thing Kramer had in Seinfeld? The Kavorka! “Lust of the animal”. Grayson’s got it in spades.

Later that evening, Raya flips around the trapeze during rehearsal while Grayson and Jimmy the Flop Sweat Clown watch on the ground. Jimmy ain’t looking too good. Grayson offers him water, which Jimmy graciously accepts. He feels like something is going to go wrong any second…

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Hell needs a few more clowns, I always say.

And it does! Who expected that, huh?

Grayson immediately swings a chair at the demon. “Drop him!” he bellows like a sinewy 150-pound little punk. “If you’re smart you’ll leave this fight all alone.” responds an unphased Acheron. And then the demon punches Grayson in the face with a fist the size of his torso, knocking him down. Acheron then carries Jimmy the Hapless Clown into the woods.

The Sex Woods, that is. *devilish grin*

Without even missing a beat, Grayson squeezes into his Nightwing nighties, hops on his hog, and starts burning rubber through the woods! He instantly notices, through his super special Georgi LaForge visor, that this monster isn’t giving off any heat.

I forgot to mention that Acheron speaks in rhymes with beautiful, flowery poetry. “The hour’s nigh, your souls are soon combined. Hold tight the object which creates the bind!” Acheron says after strapping Jimmy the Frown to a tombstone by his arms and legs with rope.

Now Zohna, daughter of Jeremiah and Ciara, starts confronting Jimmy. “We belong together, Jimmy…we always have. Forever.” she pleads to him. Not the way to get what you want, lady.

Jimmy tries to argue that none of what she’s doing is right. He’s pretty level-headed about it, instead of screaming stuff like “WHAAAAA!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT’S GOING ON!!!! WAAAAHHHHHAA!!” like I would. She must have done this to him before!

“You were supposed to stay away from all this garbage!” complains Jimmy, clearly not taking a step back and seeing the beauty of a successful occult ritual! “It’s too late,” says Zohna, “The sacrifice has been made. The demon is bound to me. And now he will bind us, forever. Our souls as one.”

Jimmy must have a big ol’ dick, because falling this hard for a clown is depressing.

Nightwing leaps out of nowhere and boots Acheron in the face! He does some somersaults and stuff too, which is less effective. Acheron is about 45 stories taller than Nightwing, though, so the decision to piss off the demon was shortsighted. Zohan continues with her ritual. Nightwing is able to pause just long enough to notice the symbol flashing on top of the tombstone before Acheron grabs him with a giant fist.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Aha, the Water Temple hath been opened!

Zohan’s ritual appears very painful for Jimmy, who looks like he just shat his esophagus. Acheron is a little preoccupied at the moment getting his ass kicked by this mortal, you know, twig, but tries to carry out the ritual nonetheless. “Only get one shot at this.” thinks Nightwing, “Hope he makes it count.”

Then, Acheron finishes his, uh, poem, and a huge bolt of lightning strikes the tombstone. I thought this was a good thing at first, but Zohan screams “NO!!!” so it must not be!

But then she asks what just happened, suggesting that she said “NO!!!” even though she didn’t know what she was saying “NO!!!” to. Nightwing surmises that she and Acheron had just become unbound. That’s when she flies off the handle again. “NO! YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!” Zohna wheezes before Nightwing takes less than a step and ties her arms behind her back with something that looks thinner than dental floss.

Nightwing now talks to Jimmy, who has miraculously untied himself from the tombstone in what can only be described as the fourth cop-out in two pages! Nightwing asks if the symbol he saw was a family symbol, and neither Jimmy nor Zohna actually answers this question, so I’ll speak on their behalf: maybe!

Nightwing leaps away, but has one more question for Jimmy: did the ring Zohna was using during the spell actually have power over him? Seems like a weird and awkward question to me! Jimmy tells him it used to mean something to them.

Like, how about we just say it was a wedding or engagement ring? No one has conversations that follows these stupid, twisty paths. HIGGINS!!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Our special BDSM ring…our safe word was “snickerdoodles”…

The next morning, an uncostumed Dick Grayson approaches an uncostumed-but-still-sad Jimmy. “I went to grab water, and you were gone. You feeling any better?” Grayson asks, like you can’t tell Grayson is Nightwing behind the tiny eye mask he wears. Jimmy gives him some sage advice: leave your past in the past where it belongs. In other words, get the fuck out of this circus, kid!

Jimmy throws the ring down a sewer grate.

We end with two people having a conversation regarding Dick Grayson’s discovery of the “Book of Names”. He found it, and he has no idea what’s going on right? Because no one wants to ruin the surprise…

It’s revealed that Raya is talking to Saiko, both conspiring against Grayson. Saiko needs to know that Raya is committed to the plan. “All that’s left is getting back to Gotham. I need to know you can do it.”

And Raya unmasks Saiko, revealing a face with large rosette scars around his black eyeballs.

“I’m 100% committed, just like I’ve always been…Raymond.”

They kiss.

It’s Raymond.

Final Thoughts

It’s Raymond! The dead kid! He’s possibly not dead! In cahoots with Raya the Sultry Redhead and Zane the Bad Boy!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Batfamily universe supposed to be largely free of supernatural and paranormal elements? Isn’t it mostly true crime, with gritty, psychotic villains and superheroes with technical equipment instead of superpowers? What’s going on with these zombies and the demon-summoning?

Two issues left for Nightwing to fumble his way through some more bullshit in a circus that doesn’t want him there in the first place. Feels like this can be wrapped up in half an issue, though, and then switch to Marmaduke for no reason in the second half! Now THAT’S a comic!


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Mitski, Celeste, and Zeal & Ardor

New Wednesday, new reviews! We got Mitski! We got Celeste! We got Zeal & Ardor! You’ve heard of at least one of those, right? Excellent start! Keep reading.

Mitski – Laurel Hell
(February 4, 2022)

Mitski - Laurel Hell

Mitski makes it sound like she doesn’t want to make music. Notoriously, she condemns her fanbase, which she describes as creepily ravenous and cultish. Her inclination to stay private is always been at odds with the necessity to tour and promote in order to be successful. You can’t find her on social media, and if you do, the accounts are not run by her personally. But, she tours and promotes anyway so that she can earn her keep in the music business.

Laurel Hell is less of an album and more of a contractual obligation fulfillment with Dead Oceans. It’s a weird situation. Does she want to make music? Does she want to stop? Does being beholden to a label stifle and suffocate her artistic visions? This nebulous tension can be heard in the new direction Mitski takes with this album, wherein she channels her admittedly humble and hopelessly adrift position into powerful expressions of pulsing, synth-driven choral uncertainty, regret, and relational turmoil. Lines like “Sometimes I think I am free/Until I’m back in line again” and “But I think for as long as we’re together/I’ll be the only heartbreaker” show a directionless thirtysomething woman who just keeps going because, sometimes, it seems like the only thing to do. It resonates deeply with her generation—my generation—who are stuck in a societal no-man’s land of arrested development. Indie rockers like Phoebe Bridgers and Snail Mail and Faye Webster may be carrying the torch now, but Mitski was the OG sadgirl.

As for Laurel Hell as a musical presentation…personal preferences aside, it does its job and it does its job well. Even if a particular musical style isn’t my bag, I’m not here to fault any artist who makes a coherent album as a personal expression of confused feelings, shifting definitions of self-identities, and bared, sincere vulnerabilities as long as the artist is mature enough to avoid infantilizing these complex emotions. You can’t do much better than Mitski there, honestly. She always consistent, and she’s always worth checking out. Just don’t love her too much, ok? She doesn’t like that.

Early Verdict:

Celeste – Assassine(s)
(January 28, 2022)

Celeste - Assassine(s)

When you consider yourself not a true metalhead, just a dedicated metal fan who observes and perceives the metalhead perspective as an outsider looking in, so to speak, you often wonder to yourself why the fuck all this metal needs to exist in the first place. It’s got to be the world’s most represented genre by a huge margin; connecting people from Peru to Iraq to Japan to Moldova to Namibia and literally everywhere in between, unifying the globe with a singular musical culture.

What’s my point? There are a trillion bands that sound like Celeste, but that’s not even the kicker. The kicker is that bands like Celeste divide people on whether or not the music the band makes can even be considered metal. So there are a trillion bands that sound like Celeste AND people right now arguing whether all of them can be considered metal. Just think about that for a minute.

What’s my real point? I have no idea! I guess my stance is that, yes, Celeste is a metal band, and I’m confused as to why even something like Assassin(e)s gets thrown in the ambiguity pile. Sure, the industrial fringes that line the guitar and drum tones sound a little bit, MAYBE, like metalcore codifiers such as Converge or Botch (the “-core” part being the sticking point for many people), but the blackened growls and the smoky atmosphere of the downtuned chords tells me that this is metal, baby. It’s like aggressive blackened thrashy post-metal. Come on.

This is produced by Chris Edrich, who has done some work for Gojira, Leprous, and the Ocean. All fantastic bands, all have a distinct “sparse crispness” added to the mix that elevates the stark atmosphere, which you can also hear all over Assassin(e)s as well. It makes grooves like the opening minutes of “De tes yeux bleus perlés” sound like military marches into dark, abyssal hollows, with the persistent rat-a-tat-tat of the drums akin to a machine gun going off. That is to say, I like that kind of thing! Not too murky and gory like brutal death metal, not too clean and robotic like technical death metal. Just right.

Early Verdict:

Zeal & Ardor – Zeal & Ardor
(February 11, 2022)

Zeal & Ardor - Zeal & Ardor

Yeah buddy, this is my shit. Zeal & Ardor’s second full-length was in my top 10 for 2018. Where it fell in that top 10 I don’t remember, because I posted my Top 10 as a list on Facebook and only two people were like “haha, yeah” and I can’t be arsed to look for it! But Stranger Fruit was unlike anything I’d really heard before, and that kind of thing always stays on my radar for a while.

Enter 2022. Up until now Zeal & Ardor was essentially a one-man band; the brainchild of African-American/Swiss multi-instrumentalist and eclectic music fanatic Manuel Gagneux, whose early interests in grindcore and death metal coupled with his early involvement in chamber pop projects led to a Bandcamp experiment where he’d take suggestions, mash two genres together and submit a song within half an hour. Now he has a whole team of visual artists, producers, mixers and masterers, although Gagneux appears to still handle most of the instrumentation. The self-titled third album feels like new beginnings, new ventures into previously uncharted territories, and a slick, fully-realized vision of the project.

I love this whole album. It’s unusual, interesting, passionate, acerbic, and insanely catchy. Highlights are “Death to the Holy”, a brilliant fusion of apocalyptic gospel and industrial soul with layered vocals and unnerving piano arpeggios, and “Golden Liar”, a baleful blues/outlaw country hybrid that sounds like Nick Cave and Ennio Morricone dropping acid in the middle of the California desert. Above all else, it’s Gagneux’s impressive range as a vocalist that really sells it for me. Don’t even try to keep up with him, he’ll scream and growl and then croon and howl before you even say “boo!”

Early Verdict:


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Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10 – “Dangerous (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Dangerous storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #10 – “Dangerous (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Danger Room computer brain manifests itself as visions of Zombie Wing and it gleefully torments the trapped students. Nobody dies, but they’re just roughed up a bit! Kitty Pryde attempts to reason with the computer, who thinks it has transcended its programming with the death of Wing.

The X-Men team successfully destroys the computer brain system, but at what cost? …seriously, at what cost? I don’t know! Not yet, anyway, but it sure looks like Zombie Wing wanted this to happen all along.

The Danger Room returns back to its normal dormant state, but I believe the students are still trapped.

And then some giant robot Medusa emerges.

So let’s see what the hell THAT’S all about.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10 [May, 2005]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Dangerous (Part 4)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Robot Medusa speaks telepathically with Professor Xaviar aka Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise Minus the Legs! She asks him if she knows who she is and what she wants. He confirms. She asks if he always knew this day would come and if he was ever worried. Before he answers, she answers for him: “Of course not. You only thought of your precious X-Men. Oh, Father…I wish you could see them now.” Professor X (the “X” stands for “SEX”) facepalms like he’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Wheelchair.

Robot Medusa faces the team among the ruins of the room. “So. Who’s first?” she asks. Ooooooh, sexy!

Wolverine leaps out at her claws bared, which was the most predictable thing that could’ve happened in her eyes. She stops him with one kick. Scottclops asks what she wants, but Frost says “she wants us dead you fucking dumbass”. Beast then asks the villain why this is happening.

Robot Medusa is on to all of them. She can tell Frost is telepathically guiding Wolverine to circle around behind to catch Medusa off-guard. She knows Beast is asking his question in order to buy time by getting the enemy talking, the biggest trope in all of tropes! Of course, she knows she’s going to buy into it, because she wants to be understood. To THAT I say…wwwhhhhat the fuck for? Who cares about wanting your enemy to understand you?

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Look lady, a kitchen stove is designed to be “not me” as well, it doesn’t mean it wants to murder me! Well…maybe it does…

She tells them that they have time for ONE question. Beast jumps in right away and says “explain why you’ve taken this form.” WHICH IS NOT A QUESTION. But she indulges, and as she explains herself very abstrusely using phrases like “I am the space in between” and “becoming anything but being nothing”, her molecules seem to phase in and out of real space. And then she says “I don’t want to kill you, I want to beat you to death.” So, question not really answered. Thanks!

The X-Men start fighting. Cyclops shoots a laser beam at her, but she produces a geodesic dome object out of thin air that diffuses and refracts the beam into everyone else’s eyeballs. That, plus the punching and the kicking and the fighting quite handily alone against five opponents. This is because she has been designed by Professor X to know all of the X-Men very well. “To know them so I can kill them.”

So yes, obviously the Danger Room brain is designed to provide a challenge as training to the students. Well, it’s being taken literally. And dangerously!

All their strengths and weaknesses show up as a readout through her visor. “SHADOWCAT: PHASING DISRUPTS CIRCUITRY”. “BEAST. LAG TIME: 2.6 SECONDS”. “COLOSSUS: MAY CAUSE STRUCTURAL COLLAPSE”. “WOLVERINE: PICKS HIS NOSE AND EATS HIS BOOGERS.” “FROST: KNOWS EVERYONE’S MOST SHAMEFUL SEXUAL FETISHES.” “CYCLOPS: BORING.”

They keep showing Professor X sitting in the middle of some red desert, sweating. Like he’s on Mars. I find that really funny.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

That rabbit has stolen my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!

Robot Medusa can’t predict everything. Kitty Pryde exhibits aggression. Beast sneaks up behind her and bites her robot snake hair. Colossus knocks her through a wall while she throws Beast out of the way. All these events are unanticipated and cause a measurable amount of lag as she “reroutes” like a goddamn GPS system. “I have made a 7% scenario-flow recalibration error. Their aggression is increased, their responses less coordinated but more effective. They’re not in the Danger Room. They’re in danger.”

Theory vs. Practical, lady. Shit’s always different in real life.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Hide the kids for this one; Frost is getting drilled and she’s not consenting.

Colossus tries to connect a punch, but she blocks it. She’s regained the upper hand! She threatens Frost with a drill to the forehead, but that was only bait to get Cyclops to defend her. He sends a beam blast her way from above, which Medusa blocks with a mirror and sends the beam right under his feet. The structure collapses under him. He gone. “Always his own worst enemy.” thinks Robot Medusa.

The enemy anticipates the next attack by Wolverine and Beast. So much upper hand! She’s got hand, Jerry!

At S.W.O.R.D., agents are evaluating an aerial shot of the school grounds. There’s a goddamned smoking, crashed airplane lodged into the side of the building. One agent “senses destruction”. “Really. You sure? You don’t wanna look at the photo of the enormous destruction some more before you such a bold statement?” says Agent Brand acidly. She asks another agent the status of the mole, and the mole is reportedly trapped in the Danger Room with the kids.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

S.W.O.R.D. needs more team-building laser tag outings.

Syrden is a seer of sorts? The weird, mythic, reptile creature senses a new, non-human presence in the building. Brand finds this curious, and intends to drop by Professor Xavier’s School of Torturing Children for a wellness visit.

Robot Medusa is still serving the X-Men their asses on a platter with lemon, parsley (and other fine herbs), and a nice raspberry reduction. Frost is tearing away chunks of concrete looking for Cyclops, but Pryde is already hoisting him on her own shoulders and chastising Frost for not focusing on the enemy (who, presumably, they’ve already fought “a thousand times”).

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Using your own teammates as projectile weapons is a solid strategy.

Frost tells her to fuck off in terms that are only SLIGHTLY more nice, which prompts Colossus to throw Frost against the Robot Medusa, taking them both out for a spell. “Normally, I wouldn’t have done that.” says Colossus in a manner that suggests he would do it quite normally if necessary. Pryde looks speechless.

Special Agent Brand converses with Ord, who finds the current situation over at Professor Xavier’s School of Fostering Mutant Achievements not at all noteworthy. Ord, you may remember, also wants to destroy the X-Men, but confirms that Robot Medusa is not affiliated with him simply because killing the mutants is “not a privilege he plans to share”. Brand herself says that he job is to protect the planet from destruction with minimum bloodshed, so “if we’re lucky, someone’s doing my job for me.”

Robot Medusa is still patting herself on the back for having the upper hand! Cyclops isn’t breathing, and Pryde attempts to perform CPR. Robo observes that Pryde must remain solid to help him, and after throwing Colossus against Pryde, she throws a giant, sharp spear-like chunk of debris and impales both of them right through their abdomens.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

Shit, it’s gonna take a lot of Mederma Advanced Scar Gel to remove that mark.

Only Frost is left standing; she gears up to throw a punch. Robo Medusa tells her that she’s not actually going to throw that punch, she’s going to return to her fleshy human form and allow defeat. To this, Frost says “And why would I do that, you stupid metal bint?”, and Robo Medusa answers that she knows the truth and whispers something in her ear.

Frost returns to her fleshy human form and allows defeat.

With the X-Men eliminated, Robo Medusa reaches out to PROFESSOR SEX and tells him completion is next. He assumes that she means his death, and declares that she has miscalculated this time. Because, she may have already fought the X-Men a thousand times…

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10

You’ve gone and pissed off Wheelchair Kojak now!

Final Thoughts

I’m looking forward to seeing Professor Xavier flail around in a battle!

I still don’t know Robot Medusa’s real name. Maybe she doesn’t have one.

And yes, if Professor Xavier has never been in the Danger Room, then she doesn’t know shit about him.

Take that, smartypants.


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East of West, Issue #2

East of West, Issue #2 – “Sons of Prophecy”

* Part 2 of 15 of the The Apocalypse: Year One storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #2 – “Sons of Prophecy”! In the previous installment, it’s America in the year 2064. America is pretty fucked up these days, but when ISN’T it fucked up? Death is a cowboy and he goes to the President’s house (the White Tower) and then he shoots him and kills him dead! Pretty heavy stuff for Issue #1! Captain America wouldn’t ever shoot the American president! Crazy!

An apocalypse is underway, and three of the Horsemen are on Earth now, reborn and are currently in children’s bodies. The fourth is not present, presumably because he doesn’t want to be involved? So they’re going to look for him and kill him! The three accounted for are War, Famine, and Conquest. So who does that leave…hey, Death! He’s the Cowboy!

Shit!

East of West, Issue #2 [April, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Sons of Prophecy”

East of West, Issue #2

“Twelve hours ago, the president was murdered, and the world now awaits word of the new one. All eyes are on the White Tower.”

At the very tippy-top of the freaky-ass White Tower, the three precocious, scampy Horsepersons of the Apocalypse are being vaguely threatening to the man who is supposed to be the next President of the…USA-like country that exists in 2064. The three kids aren’t so sure that this guy’s gonna be the President. I mean, come on.

“Were you aware of the previous President’s commitments and causes?” asks Famine. “Have you heard The Message?”

And, as we all recall, The Message is the end of the world prophecy. Mr. Line-of-Succession doesn’t believe in that mumbo-jumbo! Famine kindly asks him to reconsider his feelings, but Vice President Sad-Sack doesn’t want anything to do with these filthy urchins.

And because the Vice President won’t play nice, War brandishes a fiery sword and THUNK! He chops this bastard’s head clean off his neck.

East of West, Issue #2

Let’s go, I’m itchin’ for a killing spree.

One by one, these kids move through the line of succession and decapitate all who won’t cooperate. Even the ones who will, such as Secretary of State Richard Warren, who positively screams out of desperation that he can be trusted to do anything the Horsemen want, get their heads chopped off. Because fuck that, these people are politicians.

East of West, Issue #2

And the cat’s in the cradle in the silver spoon. The crow flies at midnight. Etc.

After eight beheadings, the group comes across the Secretary of the Interior Antonia LeVay, who might as well just speak in tongues. After proving herself to be a believer, the kids settle. “She’ll do.” says War.

And thus, the newest president is sworn in.

“Of the third, but not of the three. A lotus, the death and resurrection of love. A cup, of the cup. A chalice, of the chalice.”

So, once in a while we get bumper pages with ominous quotes like the one above, complete with the upside-down Triforce symbol. I’m making note of them verbatim. Cryptic now, but perhaps they will make sense later. Maybe. Possibly. Nah.

“The Golden Bridge”. We’re now at a location that looks like a vast, empty desert in the western United States. A jacked dude wearing nothing but barely a loincloth (who I’m guessing is Wolf) is carrying a giant, dead buffalo over his shoulders. Later, the buffalo is roasting over a spit while Crow and Wolf (the monochrome groupies tagging along with Cowboy Death) wait patiently by the fire in the dead of night.

East of West, Issue #2

What’s done? My Swanson TV dinner? Excellent!

Soon, Death returns on his horse and tells them simply “It’s done.”, referring to the decapitation of the President via many bullets!

Crow briefs Death with her own good news: they’ve tracked down all but one person on their list. Wolf ravages a cooked buffalo leg while reminding Death to get info from these people before just killing them. Death is like “but killing is the fun part”…and he frowns as if killing isn’t the fun part? Maybe Death doesn’t like deathing around?

Meanwhile, the newest President rides in the backseat of her fancy flying Presidential Stagecoach. She’s headed to a large hole in the ground called “the Armistice”, which has a long pillar jutting out from the center shaped like the Upside-Down Triforce.

What a nice place for a get-together! She holds a meeting in the hole near the pillar with other prominent people, all of whom seem a little bit salty that this new person is in charge of the United States! There’s a lot of “hrmph” and “mrmrhm” being thrown about! They begrudgingly introduce themselves and state their positions:

-Baldy Pointy Nose is Ezra Orion, the Premier of Armistice and he is the Keeper of the Message.
-Stern Asian Woman is Hu, House of Mao, the Security Minister of the People’s Republic.
-Frowny White Pigtail Man is Cheveyo, “big magic” of the Endless Nation.
-Colonel Sanders is Andrew Archibald Chamberlain, Chief of Staff at the Black Towers.
-Lenny Kravitz is Crown Prince John Freeman, of the Kingdom of New Orleans.
-Cowboy Dumbledore is Bel Solomon, Governor of the Republic of Texas. Also, Skeptic.

Frowny White Pigtail Man and Colonel Sanders are rivals, and they tend to bicker unprofessionally. Madame President asks why the fuck they need a skeptic since the Horsemen needed only the faithful, but Cowboy Dumbledore Bel Solomon states that he’s there to provide perspective; also, she was nobody a week ago, so fuck you Lady.

East of West, Issue #2

Yee-haw, Potter! Time to wrangle us some Horcruxes!

Baldy Pointy Nose hushes everyone up and approaches the pedestal with the Upside-Down Triforce. He cuts his arm with a blade and spills blood upon the symbol, and it lights up the sky majestically. Everyone’s eyeballs are pure white, the sight is so damn majestic! This is apparently meant to be a revelation for the new President, who now believes even harder than ever. And she believed pretty hard, let me tell you.

The group discusses the Message and their next moves. Bel Solomon reminds everyone that the Message is “not vague regarding the Horsemen”. Chamberlain mentions something about cutting the cord so that “Mr. Bones gets back to business”. Chamberlain starts walking away; Orion asks him if he’s not staying for the feast, and he responds with “I came when called. We all met the new President. I saw her, she saw me… And now I have pressing business back home.” He tells everyone to enjoy the feast, because it might be their last. “He is coming, people…coming for us all.” And here I’m thinking, oh man, can’t this guy stay for the party? Pleeeeaase?? He seems really fun!

East of West, Issue #2

Message this and Message that. Here’s a message for you: *opens cootie catcher revealing drawing of a middle finger*

A full-page view of the Black Towers looks almost as strange and creepy as the White Tower. While the White Tower was one large, cylindrical building, the Black Towers are four L-shaped monoliths that all join at the top. Both look like something out of Star Wars. You know Star Wars, right? House Stark and all that? 1.21 Jiggawatts? Sonic screwdrivers? Star Wars.

At the Black Towers, Andrew “Colonel” Archibald “Sanders” Chamberlain hobbles through the hallways to his office and discovers Death waiting in his chair. Chamberlain is pleasantly surprised! “Ah. Well…sooner than I expected, but inevitable. After all, I hear Death waits for no man.”

East of West, Issue #2

Because I brought party snacks!

Death is surly, but appreciates Chamberlain saying what he needs to hear. Chamberlain is modest and starts negging himself, talking about being flawed and how he doesn’t care about being bold nor feigning boldness. “I understand only one thing, I speak only one language, and that, son, is leverage.”

Death is irritable and impatient, and likely doesn’t want to hear this well-dressed old feeb ramble on and on. Chamberlain offers Death a drink, and this makes him even more incredulous. “There’s a thing I’ve seen you people do for show. Man puts his head in the mouth of a lion. Thinks it’s bravery, and not actin’ a damn fool.” Death says, his gun continuously trained on Chamberlain.

Of course, Chamberlain has something to say about this too. He points out the ambiguity and asks Death if he shouldn’t be sticking his head in the lion’s mouth, or if he has no need to act brave. Does that imply that Death is merely a housecat. Hey! That reminds the old Colonel of a joke! What did one cat say to the other cat? Meow. “What the hell else do you think he’s gonna say?” asks Chamberlain after taking a drag on a large cigar.

East of West, Issue #2

No, it’s ok Chamberlain, have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I offer you a drink?

Death is not amused. He’s even a little bemused! He tells the old man to get to the fucking point. And, naturally, he rambles on some more. Speech balloons fill most of the next panel! Chamberlain tells Death that and his posse have been trying to “orchestrate the end of the world” for a while now. He tells him that they are the ones who led the other Horsemen to his whereabouts 10 years ago. He tells him that they are the ones who took everything from him because “at the time, we felt we had to”. All for the Message.

Chamberlain looks at Death very seriously now, and tells him that he has a secret that he has never uttered aloud to anyone. You can tell, under that cranky veneer, that Death is actually very eager to hear this secret! Oh boy! Secrets!

Chamberlain tells him that he doesn’t give a shit anymore. “I no longer care.”

You see, Chamberlain has come to enjoy and appreciate how much the world suits him. Just like the world suits Death. The forces that have worked to keep them enemies, he’s tired of leaning into it. He proposes that he and Death become partners! Buddies! Knuckleheads! Death hates this idea. Death is Death! Death makes the people die! The people that die need to die, not become friends with him! What is going on here?!

But then Death thinks about it. “Can you get me what I’m lookin’ for?” he asks Chamberlain. And Chamberlain sweetens the deal, tells him he can do waaaay more for him than he can even imagine. He can suck his dick for free! I bet he’ll like that! Actually, Chamberlain asks him if he’s ever even heard the Message. “Because I think there’s a passage contained within that just might interest you.”

And the passage is the same passage I wrote up above, like 2,000 words ago: “Of the third, but not of the three. A lotus, the death and resurrection of love. A cup, of the cup. A chalice, of the chalice.” He tells Death that he’s actually looking for TWO things. And Chamberlain can get him both.

And Chamberlain announces that Death’s wife is very much alive. And she is some young Asian woman from some Asian civilization.

East of West, Issue #2

Why did Death think his wife was dead if Death is Death? Who else would’ve deathed her, dummy?

(!)

Final Thoughts

This Chamberlain guy reminds me of Macabes from the Kevin Smith Daredevil run, and he wasn’t who he seemed either! He wasn’t who he seemed at all! Something fishy is going on goddamnit!

Too early to make any judgments yet, although “Death has an Asian Wife” seems very strange to me. Peculiar, you might say.

OK, that’s all.


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Sucky Funnies for February 20, 2022

Not so fast! I’m not going to let a Sunday go by without spotlighting a few Sunday strips! Please. Who do you think I am? Some lazy asshole?

F-Minus

F-Minus - February 20, 2022

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Just another day in the F Minus world! Fending off Halloween horror creatures in February, I see. In theory I like this joke, because the idea of just one skeleton knocking on the door signifying an entire apocalypse to this guy is pretty funny! But why doesn’t he know the difference between zombies, mummies, and skeletons? Sounds like someone who is completely ill-prepared for handling an apocalypse. Too late now.

I like to think that this skeleton is just a new neighbor, and he has simply come over to introduce himself. He looks friendly to me, all waving and smiling. I bet he works in Human Resources.

Frazz

Frazz - February 20, 2022

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It’s bad enough that Frazz started off in 2001 as a blatant Calvin & Hobbes ripoff, and likely continued to be one for the next 21 years. I wouldn’t know, I’m not a loyal Frazz follower. People actually though that “Jef Mallett” was just Bill Watterson using a pen name. I mean, Jeff with one “F”? What is this, a Pixies song? Mallett was reportedly flattered, but he shouldn’t be. It’s not usually a good thing to be recognized as someone who ripped off the best newspaper comic strip artist who ever lived.

But when you don’t even have a coherent punchline? Only excusable if you’re Achewood! First of all, that bit about 60 having no points? What about the top end of the 6? That’s a fucking point, son.

Second of all, the whole setup revolved around the “no point” callback, so why keep going with the dialogue after you’re done? Now you’re just gonna confuse a bunch of aging Walmart employees from middle America about the “65 – 69 BQ” part. They’re going to think they’ll need to look out for it in their next AARP newsletter.

Baby Blues

Baby Blues - February 20, 2022

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Ah yes, Baby Blues. The comic strip to turn to for a quick, strained chuckle if you’ve unwisely decided to start a family and ruin your life. I would probably avoid downloading the app that spits out sticky notes with a sickening “BLORP!” if I aimed to keep my many affairs in order such as “soccer” and “pick up mulch”.

But let’s turn our attention to the children playing in the background, who appear to be rubbing their itchy backs on the grass (excessive heroin abuse) and stumbling around in a dizzy haze (excessive alcohol and/or inhalant abuse). I think something sinister is going down in the McPherson’s neighborhood. Something that a pile of sticky notes will not keep covered forever.


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