Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “South Beach Connection”! In the previous installment, Mr. Haly’s drunk son makes a scene at the funeral, shaking his angry drunk finger at Grayson and being a dickhead about his dead dad! Wah!

Grayson finds out from Raya that one of their young circus buddies, Zane, hires assassins in Chicago. So, Nightwing pays him a visit and fucks him up a little bit and learns nothing.

After that, Grayson decides to stay with the circus full-time until he can figure out the whole dead Mr. Haly conundrum. Saiko is still out to kill Grayson.

Oh yeah, and Batgirl is gonna be in this one.

And apparently, Nightwing’s gonna have to fight a fuckin’ doppelganger too if the cover is any indication. “Will Batgirl save Nightwing in time?” Bleh, hopefully she fucks this up for all our sakes.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“South Beach Connection”

Gotham City, 24 hours ago, Batgirl is scootin’ along the highway on her Bat-Motorcycle in pursuit of a red sports car. She’s tearing up other cars on the road while she’s chasing this one. At one point she completely crunches another vehicle while using it as a ramp. She’s being way more of a terrorist on the road than the other car, as far as I’m concerned. Someone should call the police commissioner!

This guy he’s chasing is called Spinebender, and he bends his own spine! He’s a shapeshifter! Perhaps he bends others’ spines as well? Maybe that’s what makes him bad? Anyway, that’s what she’s doing in Gotham City. My best guess is that this story takes place after Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #3 where she and Nightwing meet up and kick each other around? Because he’s no longer in Gotham City? Continuity! Fuck it.

Because Grayson, as we speak, is boning the other redhead on the Haly Circus Train in Miami, Florida. They be bonin’ and Raya’s razzing Grayson for having never seen the Godfather, which sounds like EXACTLY the kind of thing a MAN would write a female character to do. No woman out there thinks the Godfather is the best movie in the world! Only men think that because they’re pressured to think that way by other men! ANGRY! I’m angry.

It’s a fucking circus nightmare it what it is.

Grayson promises that they can watch the Godfather in an old theater once the circus runs through its season. In fact, they’ll watch a bunch of old movies together! This makes Raya sad, because she knows that this isn’t going to last forever. “‘The answer’s in the heart of the circus’. Once you figure out who paid Saiko to kill Mr. Haly, you’ll leave and go back to your life.” she tells him, and we all know that she’s right. Raya, Grayson, Grayson’s penis, Batgirl, me, Alec Baldwin’s murdering gun, we all know Raya’s right.

Although Grayson thinks to himself, the part that she doesn’t know is that Saiko is out to kill Grayson too because someone out there thinks he’s “the fiercest killer in all of Gotham.” So there’s that too. But he’s still not going to stay with the circus permanently, he’s a big-time Gotham superhero now! Ain’t gonna give up that gig.

Remember Jimmy, the sad-ass clown from Issue #1? Me neither! But he’s smoking outside the tents right now being sad-ass and all that. He’s reading a note that we can only see a bit of, but something about “warning” and “threat” and “a deal”. Marc, Raya’s trapeze partner, asks him what he’s got there, and Jimmy “Mr. Giggles” the Clown tells Marc to mind his own cuntin’ business.

A shadowy figure asks Jimmy and Marc where he/she (I’m going to guess “she” and that it’s Barbara Gordon) can find Dick Grayson, and they point her in the direction of the train. I’m also guessing it’s Gordon because Marc and Jimmy share a guffaw and are heard to remark “Hmm…well the guy certainly has a type…”

And yes, of course it’s her. When she and Raya spot each other there’s a knowing glint in each other’s eyes. They meet and greet and it’s awkward as shit and Raya shoots an icy stare that could kill an army of baboons and she leaves.

There’s only room for ONE redhead in the town…and I hear Rupert Grint is staying at the Econo Lodge.

Barbara is completely amused as Grayson facepalms and tells her that her sudden appearance wasn’t good timing whatsoever. He asks her what she’s even doing here, and Barbara tells him that she’s working on a case that brought her to Miami. She also feels bad about the way they left things back in Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #3 (so there you have it), so she was looking to maybe…you know…uh…reconcile…with a penis…in a vagina!

Grayson’s mad because Batgirl insisted that she wanted to work alone. In fact, I’m checking my Batgirl notes and Grayson DID ask Batgirl if she needed help, and she was getting pissed at everyone around her for asking to help her. That’s right. I remember all that now.

Grayson tells her that he has a lot on his plate right now, and she coyly tells him to take the night off. Relax. “I’ll even let you swing first.” she tells him. And this perks him right up!

So off they go in the Miami night, both in their campy spandex, happy as clams. Two peas in a pod, these losers, with their internal monologues and their self-imposed “need” to do their crime fighting. He goes over in his head about how much he has feelings for Batgirl, how she might feel the same, blah blah blah BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. We get it, young people like to bang. Tell it to your parents, Nightwing. OH WAIT THEY’RE DEAD. lol.

Batgirl gives Nightwing a rundown of her case. Spinebender stole two dozen microchips from Q-Core’s facility in Gotham. The stolen microchips are the closest thing on the market to what the Gotham superheroes use for their gear. She’s trailing a guy named Asimov at a hotel in Miami; he’s a custom weapon’s manufacturer. And she’s looking to interrupt Spinebender’s delivery. Got this gist now, Nightwing? This is YOUR comic book, ain’t it? And once that’s over, Grayson can go back to makin’ orgasms with the circus redhead and Batgirl will scurry back to where she belongs. Status quo.

Three hours of staking out later, this is taking longer than Batgirl thought. So they decide to talk about him and his problems! Nightwing tells her that Saiko knows his identity, which shakes her up a little. This means Saiko could know anyone’s identities — Batgirl, Batman, Robin, Red Robin, Blue Robin, Rainbow Robin, all the colorful Robins — so he has to move quickly on this little matter.

He could figure who you are, who I am, who Batman is, who Bansky is, who the entire band The Armed are, who the Max Headroom signal hijacker is, and Red Robin…well, that’s sounds pretty good right now. I could use a bite to eat!

Batgirl asks about Raya. “She’s nice.” he responds. Then he tells Batgirl that he’s going to move closer and that she should stay behind. “Uh, yeah…sure.” she says. Kids these days and their overflowing hormones, I tells ya.

When Nightwing gets closer, he hears Asimov bitch about Spinebender’s lack of punctuality. Spinebender’s never on time, I always say! It’s his most famous characteristic! Besides the spine-bending, certainly.

And just when Nightwing thinks he has everything allllll figured out, “OOF!”. He gets knocked on his ass by…well, himself. Another Nightwing! A doppelganger! “Batgirl, hit him!” says one of the Nightwings as he struggles with the other Nightwing. “Buh…” responds Batgirl.

What happens next is a bunch of panels in a row of inexplicable art and needless superhero cartwheels. Long story short, Nightwing has his hands full trying to figure out ANY way to fight Spinebender, while Batgirl starts kicking around Asimov and his troupe of bitches. Then they switch out, with Batgirl trying to figure out any way to fight Spinebender while Nightwing starts kicking around Asimov and his troupe of bitches. If it doesn’t sound exciting, it’s because it’s not. It’s not at all.

Hit Down and B! Down and B! Select start down A B!

During this bungling display of superheroism, it’s discovered that El Bender de Los Spinos “doesn’t like electricity”. How they determined this, it’s hard to tell. They zap him with electricity somehow. Can you think of many living creatures who “like electricity” in the first place? Seems like a weird aha moment to me. Seems like bad writing!

*looks up photo of Kyle Higgins*

DORK!

So, armed with the invaluable knowledge that BrentSpiner “doesn’t like electricity”, they scour the area for something completely packed to the gills with all sorts of electricity! And, since we all already know that Nightwing’s suit is loaded with electricity for some fool-ass reason, all he does grab the bastard’s love handles and give him a big ol’ jolt! Bzzt! The end!

“What did you do? I’m glass! NOOO!” he screams. Yawn. The police show up and SpinalTap and Asimov and the gang are all gonna get some TEXAS JUSTICE Miami Style! Nightwing and Batgirl are outta there!

“So what do you think’s going to happen to him?” Batgirl asks as they land back on the circus train. Nightwing answers that his vitals were still strong, so he’s alive, and maybe he can get fixed up in a lab. As for the microchips, they were all fried when Nightwing decided to be the human electric chair. Oh no, so sad, contributing to the chip shortage like this.

They get their street clothes back on. Barbara insists that she didn’t show up to make trouble; what’s going on between him and Raya is none of her business, and she wishes him the best. “I’ll see you back in Gotham sometime…former Boy Wonder.” And then she winks as she thinks about his dick.

As Barbara is walking out, Raya catches her in the train car still A-FLUTTER WITH HER SUSPICIONS.

“Listen, he’d probably kill me for saying this…” Barbara begins coyly, “…but he really cares about you, you know. You make him happy. And at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important thing? Good luck, Raya…he’s a really great guy.”

So a threesome ISN’T in the cards? I mean, I’m down if you are. No? Are you sure?

But, we see Raya an inch away from knocking on Grayson’s door, and then she decides not to and walks away.

Grayson, alone, starts ruminating again about Haly’s last words. “The heart of the circus” and all that. Then it dawns on him that, perhaps, the “heart” may not be the metaphor that had assumed. Maybe it’s less figurative than that.

In the dead of night, Grayson takes a flashlight out to the main tent and examines the wooden ring curbs. Since a circus ring is fucking huge, there most be hundreds of these little two-foot long ring curbs. It takes him an hour, but he finally spots one that looks different from the others. “It has more wear and tear than the others — like it’s been pried and hammered into place hundreds of times.” he muses. He pries it open himself and discovers a black book nestled inside, hidden away for safekeeping. The book is full of names penned in fancy handwriting. William Cobb. Benjamin Haldman. Alexander Staunton. Henry Ballard.

None of these names mean anything to him.

Until he gets to the last name.

Which is his own name.

Which means something to him.

Arguably.

Final Thoughts

You’re losing me, Higgins! This Nightwing shit sucks! Pick it up quickly, sir! I’ve got Joss Whedon’s X-Men to read too and that’s been far more interesting!

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Past and Present”! In the previous installment, there’s a lot of circus-related circusy drama going on. Something about a circus. Grayson and Raya fly to Atlantic City to speak to Haly, the old and dying cancer man who owns the circus, in his creepy Circus Warehouse. He bequeaths the circus upon our fair Grayson.

On the flight home, Grayson and Raya bone in a sexual way, and then a phone call from the villain (known as Saiko) sends him back to Atlantic City immediately. There, he fights Saiko in the warehouse. Saiko blasts some rockets into the joint, which burns it down. Saiko’s condition is unknown, but Nightwing gets Old Man Haly out with just enough life left in him to say that the circus is not what it seems to be, son. Sorry they’re trying to kill us over it!

If it sounds dumb that’s because it is! But man am I enjoying writing about it!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“Past and Present”

Would you buy this comic book if you saw it in the store with THAT cover? How unappealing. Smarmy circus folk? Clowns? Literally the worst.

A CORNFIELD IN IOWA, FIVE YEARS AGO. Grayson is chillin’ with his young circus homies by a bonfire outside. They’re laughing and ne’er-do-wellin’ and having a gay old time, indeed. Mr. Haly, not looking like he’s full of cancer and definitely not bleeding profusely to death, approaches the youngins and tells them that they had a bang-up circus show! Yea buddy! Those Iowans really ate that shit up! So go ahead and borrow my truck and go see a movie! I’m a niiiiiiiiiiice guy!

“First one to the truck rides shotgun.” declares Zane, one of the circus nerds, and they start to run. So there’s Zane, Raymond, Raya, and Dick. Yep. A real troupe of clownin’ around boneheads from the best years of their lives.

Sounds pretty nice except for the circus part and the Grayson part.

She wants to put HER penis in YOUR vagina, buckaroo.

“Hold on a second, Dick…” Haly grabs Grayson’s shoulder and tells him that Raya over there, you know, firecrotch? She could outrun Zane and Raymond any day of the dang week! But she’s not doing that at all right now. Do you know why, Grayson, you stupid kid? It’s because she doesn’t want to ride shotgun. She’d rather slobber your knob in the back of the pickup, son. You feel me, homes?

Ahh yes, Grayson has nothing but fond memories of poor, old, deceased, dead as a doornail Mr. Haly. He’s at Haly’s funeral making a point to catch his readers up with the current situation (dead guy). Also that there’s a lunatic named Saiko who thinks Dick Grayson is the fiercest killer in all of Gotham! And maybe he’s right! What do I know about Dick Grayson?? Am I supposed to just believe that he’s a dang Circus Boy?? Sounds implausible.

“In the heart of the circus.” These were Haly’s dying words. Sort of. I cleaned it up a little bit! Anyway, Grayson’s got a puzzle to solve and he’s going to be damned if he’s going to let a little thing like DEAD CIRCUS OWNER get in his way!

Many funeral attendees are muttering about Grayson being the last person to see Haly alive. The mutterings are suspicious. Bryan Haly, Mr. Haly’s Large Adult Son, is super pissed that Grayson is even there at all. Here, see:

You ruined my FATHER’S FUNERAL by MAKING A SCENE, buckaroo.

Yeah, told you. Bryan needs to calm down, I agree! “You think you can just stroll in here and take it? Like the circus is yours just ‘cause he gave you a piece of paper?!” Bryan the Angry Drunk Son froths and spits. A group of three pull Bryan back as he yells further “My dad’s gone, and he’s not gonna be around to help you anymore! He’s dead…you hear me?!”

And then Bryan gets quiet and starts breaking down while sitting on the ground.

So, later, after all that unpleasantness is behind us forever, Grayson and Raya talk to each other about the Saiko situation. Here’s where I learn that “saiko” is Japanese for “best”, so Saiko is gunning to be the saiko psycho in Gotham City! Raya tells him that the authorities should be talking to Zane, their old circus buddy, about this. Zane’s really making a name for himself these days, his job is to give these assassins work like a booking agent! He does this shit in Chicago! Grayson is floored and shocked and stymied and pooping his pants.

Yep, yeah, this is kinda all your goddamned fault, buckaroo.

Seems kinda strange to me that, after all these hours that he and Raya have spent together over the last few days, Grayson has just now learned from her how much his old friends suck and/or are dead lately! Look at that, she even gets a dig in there. “You’re not exactly great about staying in touch.” It’s like, my circus parents died during circus-related sabotage, this whole circus shit doesn’t exactly dredge up the warmest of memories, you jerk from jerk hell.

“You look forward instead of back, Dick. It’s who you are…Hey, you’re the guy that didn’t even come back for Raymond’s funeral.” Raya says saltily, like the saltiest sea. The Dead Sea, that’s the one! Raya’s a big ol’ Dead Sea about Dick.

But Dick can’t worry about Raya right now! He’s in Chicago already, possibly before she even finishes another sentence. He swoops around the Windy City as Nightwing looking for Zane.

Zane is easy to find since his name is on about four trillion different government watch lists. His business is too far removed to be linked directly to any of the murders or assassinations, but he’s on notice! *wags finger*

Mr. Haly’s death and Saiko aside, now all Nightwing cares about is what the fuck happened to Zane. Has he gone inzane?! LOL! Zane’s got a giant office with a dozen posters of his 15-year-old self in a leotard on the walls from his glory days. What I didn’t notice until just now (and I had to check the beginning of the issue to verify) is Zane’s giant disfiguring scar on the side of his face. It’s there in his posters, it was there in the flashback. CURIOUS!

Zane knows who Nightwing is, and was ready for him to show up. Nightwing, right off the bat, throws some verbal punches, accuses him of hiring an assassin to murder Mr. Haly. “Tell me who contracted the hit and I won’t relocate to Chicago and make you my new hobby.” Nightwing threatens. Sounds sexy.

Zane explains the reason for the posters on the walls: “We live in a world so focused on ‘where we’re going’ that too often we forget where we’ve started.” Sounds like some Grayson talk! Zane then goes on to say that the posters serve as a reminder of his past…and there’s another component of his past that he doesn’t get to indulge in often enough…

This is when Zane sticks his hand forward in Nightwing’s direction, and Nightwing is suddenly overwhelmed incapacitated with haunting memories of his past. He clasps his hands over his ears and tries to shut out visions of his failures as Robin, and his failure to stop Saiko, while they seem to be physically burning his brain. “I got upgrades!” Zane yells, then cocks a gun and starts shooting at Nightwing while he attempts to override the visions and get his little acrobatic ass out of there.

I blame you for all my pain and suffering, buckaroo!

“You don’t get other killers work without putting in work yourself.” Zane informs the playful backflipping hero. Nightwing is processing all this new information the only way an uneducated former circus performer can! Poorly!

He sees visions of his parents giving him shit for letting them die. He tries to shut them out, convincing himself that they are not real. He watches the reenactment of the breaking trapeze line, the two of them falling to their death while Nightwing attempts to save them screaming “NOOOO!!!” His parents are dead on the ground. People from his life stand around taunting him. “WORTHLESS.” “A JOKE.” “FLUNKEY.” “INCOMPETENT.” “USELESS.” “FAILURE.” Nightwing frowns. It’s funny!

Next he sees a vision of Raya placing a bouquet on top of a casket; tears streaming down her face. Before Nightwing fully understands this vision, Zane just starts pistol whipping the everloving fuck out of him. I mean, just hammering on the guy! I mean, Nightwing should really be dead right now. “Come onnn…I thought you were supposed to be one of Gotham’s finest!” Zane yells, clubbing him again. This is ridiculous. There should be blood sprayed all the way to Nova Scotia.

Nightwing is trying to understand what Zane meant by “upgrades”, figuring that he must have acquired psychic powers from some outside source. But, the question is, from whence! And then he realizes, apropos of nothing, that Zane is transmitting radio waves and segregating specific frequencies to channel into his emotions! NO SHIT, NIGHTWING. I thought of that already 45 minutes ago while wearing my pineapple goggles on Mars. Shithead.

BU-U-U-CK-A-A-A-R-O-O-O-OOOOOO!!

So Nightwing inverts the signals using his Ultra-Signal-Inverting-Suit-Plugins! And that really messes with Zane’s head, man. “Feedback.” Nightwing mocks silently.

While Zane is lying there bleeding from about eight orifices, Nightwing demands from him the information about who hired Saiko. Zane is crying and cringing, the guy’s a real mess. He doesn’t know who, he swears! And Nightwing is supposed to believe him because he woulda killed him already! So you see! *spits*

Nightwing warns him to find a new career, and then takes off into the night. As do all superheroes. How original. Take off into the day once in a while.

At some undisclosed time later, Dick Grayson is aboard the circus train outside Philly. He knocks on Raya’s quarters and apologizes to her about “always looking forward”. He admits to her that he WAS there at Raymond’s funeral. He never told anyone before, but Grayson snuck out of Wayne Manor that night and took two buses to get there. TWO buses! The kid took TWO buses, Raya! That’s committing to a friend’s funeral! The problem was, though, that he chickened out when he saw her there. He saw her standing at the casket with a bouquet of flowers; tears streaming down her face. “It was the same look you had last time we saw each other, at my parents’ service. The same look when I said goodbye to you…I couldn’t do it again.”

So he ran.

But he’s not gonna run this time. He’s staying put! Travelling around with the smelly poopy circus! It’s what Mr. Decomposing Haly wants, it’s where he belongs, yada yada yada. Until he can figure out why someone wanted to kill the guy, he’s not going anywhere! He’s staying RIGHT here…

Saddle up, buckaroo.

…uh…

…ok, so Grayson and Raya are gonna bang again. Let’s cut to somewhere else…

We cut to drunkard Bryan Haly sobbing at his desk. “This is all his fault…my father…and the circus…Dick was never supposed to be part of this…” he cries pitifully into his hands.

“…You’re still going to kill him?” Bryan, horrified, asks an unknown visitor.

“When the time is right…that’s EXACTLY what I’m going to do.”

eek it’s saiko

Final Thoughts

The corner of the final panel teases an appearance from Batgirl! Oh boy, redhead love triangle.

I don’t dislike this as much as I’m projecting! I swear on Raymond’s grave!