Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #2 – “Sons of Prophecy”! In the previous installment, it’s America in the year 2064. America is pretty fucked up these days, but when ISN’T it fucked up? Death is a cowboy and he goes to the President’s house (the White Tower) and then he shoots him and kills him dead! Pretty heavy stuff for Issue #1! Captain America wouldn’t ever shoot the American president! Crazy!
An apocalypse is underway, and three of the Horsemen are on Earth now, reborn and are currently in children’s bodies. The fourth is not present, presumably because he doesn’t want to be involved? So they’re going to look for him and kill him! The three accounted for are War, Famine, and Conquest. So who does that leave…hey, Death! He’s the Cowboy!
Shit!
East of West, Issue #2 [April, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Sons of Prophecy”
“Twelve hours ago, the president was murdered, and the world now awaits word of the new one. All eyes are on the White Tower.”
At the very tippy-top of the freaky-ass White Tower, the three precocious, scampy Horsepersons of the Apocalypse are being vaguely threatening to the man who is supposed to be the next President of the…USA-like country that exists in 2064. The three kids aren’t so sure that this guy’s gonna be the President. I mean, come on.
“Were you aware of the previous President’s commitments and causes?” asks Famine. “Have you heard The Message?”
And, as we all recall, The Message is the end of the world prophecy. Mr. Line-of-Succession doesn’t believe in that mumbo-jumbo! Famine kindly asks him to reconsider his feelings, but Vice President Sad-Sack doesn’t want anything to do with these filthy urchins.
And because the Vice President won’t play nice, War brandishes a fiery sword and THUNK! He chops this bastard’s head clean off his neck.
Let’s go, I’m itchin’ for a killing spree.
One by one, these kids move through the line of succession and decapitate all who won’t cooperate. Even the ones who will, such as Secretary of State Richard Warren, who positively screams out of desperation that he can be trusted to do anything the Horsemen want, get their heads chopped off. Because fuck that, these people are politicians.
And the cat’s in the cradle in the silver spoon. The crow flies at midnight. Etc.
After eight beheadings, the group comes across the Secretary of the Interior Antonia LeVay, who might as well just speak in tongues. After proving herself to be a believer, the kids settle. “She’ll do.” says War.
And thus, the newest president is sworn in.
“Of the third, but not of the three. A lotus, the death and resurrection of love. A cup, of the cup. A chalice, of the chalice.”
So, once in a while we get bumper pages with ominous quotes like the one above, complete with the upside-down Triforce symbol. I’m making note of them verbatim. Cryptic now, but perhaps they will make sense later. Maybe. Possibly. Nah.
“The Golden Bridge”. We’re now at a location that looks like a vast, empty desert in the western United States. A jacked dude wearing nothing but barely a loincloth (who I’m guessing is Wolf) is carrying a giant, dead buffalo over his shoulders. Later, the buffalo is roasting over a spit while Crow and Wolf (the monochrome groupies tagging along with Cowboy Death) wait patiently by the fire in the dead of night.
What’s done? My Swanson TV dinner? Excellent!
Soon, Death returns on his horse and tells them simply “It’s done.”, referring to the decapitation of the President via many bullets!
Crow briefs Death with her own good news: they’ve tracked down all but one person on their list. Wolf ravages a cooked buffalo leg while reminding Death to get info from these people before just killing them. Death is like “but killing is the fun part”…and he frowns as if killing isn’t the fun part? Maybe Death doesn’t like deathing around?
Meanwhile, the newest President rides in the backseat of her fancy flying Presidential Stagecoach. She’s headed to a large hole in the ground called “the Armistice”, which has a long pillar jutting out from the center shaped like the Upside-Down Triforce.
What a nice place for a get-together! She holds a meeting in the hole near the pillar with other prominent people, all of whom seem a little bit salty that this new person is in charge of the United States! There’s a lot of “hrmph” and “mrmrhm” being thrown about! They begrudgingly introduce themselves and state their positions:
-Baldy Pointy Nose is Ezra Orion, the Premier of Armistice and he is the Keeper of the Message.
-Stern Asian Woman is Hu, House of Mao, the Security Minister of the People’s Republic.
-Frowny White Pigtail Man is Cheveyo, “big magic” of the Endless Nation.
-Colonel Sanders is Andrew Archibald Chamberlain, Chief of Staff at the Black Towers.
-Lenny Kravitz is Crown Prince John Freeman, of the Kingdom of New Orleans.
-Cowboy Dumbledore is Bel Solomon, Governor of the Republic of Texas. Also, Skeptic.
Frowny White Pigtail Man and Colonel Sanders are rivals, and they tend to bicker unprofessionally. Madame President asks why the fuck they need a skeptic since the Horsemen needed only the faithful, but Cowboy Dumbledore Bel Solomon states that he’s there to provide perspective; also, she was nobody a week ago, so fuck you Lady.
Yee-haw, Potter! Time to wrangle us some Horcruxes!
Baldy Pointy Nose hushes everyone up and approaches the pedestal with the Upside-Down Triforce. He cuts his arm with a blade and spills blood upon the symbol, and it lights up the sky majestically. Everyone’s eyeballs are pure white, the sight is so damn majestic! This is apparently meant to be a revelation for the new President, who now believes even harder than ever. And she believed pretty hard, let me tell you.
The group discusses the Message and their next moves. Bel Solomon reminds everyone that the Message is “not vague regarding the Horsemen”. Chamberlain mentions something about cutting the cord so that “Mr. Bones gets back to business”. Chamberlain starts walking away; Orion asks him if he’s not staying for the feast, and he responds with “I came when called. We all met the new President. I saw her, she saw me… And now I have pressing business back home.” He tells everyone to enjoy the feast, because it might be their last. “He is coming, people…coming for us all.” And here I’m thinking, oh man, can’t this guy stay for the party? Pleeeeaase?? He seems really fun!
Message this and Message that. Here’s a message for you: *opens cootie catcher revealing drawing of a middle finger*
A full-page view of the Black Towers looks almost as strange and creepy as the White Tower. While the White Tower was one large, cylindrical building, the Black Towers are four L-shaped monoliths that all join at the top. Both look like something out of Star Wars. You know Star Wars, right? House Stark and all that? 1.21 Jiggawatts? Sonic screwdrivers? Star Wars.
At the Black Towers, Andrew “Colonel” Archibald “Sanders” Chamberlain hobbles through the hallways to his office and discovers Death waiting in his chair. Chamberlain is pleasantly surprised! “Ah. Well…sooner than I expected, but inevitable. After all, I hear Death waits for no man.”
Because I brought party snacks!
Death is surly, but appreciates Chamberlain saying what he needs to hear. Chamberlain is modest and starts negging himself, talking about being flawed and how he doesn’t care about being bold nor feigning boldness. “I understand only one thing, I speak only one language, and that, son, is leverage.”
Death is irritable and impatient, and likely doesn’t want to hear this well-dressed old feeb ramble on and on. Chamberlain offers Death a drink, and this makes him even more incredulous. “There’s a thing I’ve seen you people do for show. Man puts his head in the mouth of a lion. Thinks it’s bravery, and not actin’ a damn fool.” Death says, his gun continuously trained on Chamberlain.
Of course, Chamberlain has something to say about this too. He points out the ambiguity and asks Death if he shouldn’t be sticking his head in the lion’s mouth, or if he has no need to act brave. Does that imply that Death is merely a housecat. Hey! That reminds the old Colonel of a joke! What did one cat say to the other cat? Meow. “What the hell else do you think he’s gonna say?” asks Chamberlain after taking a drag on a large cigar.
No, it’s ok Chamberlain, have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I offer you a drink?
Death is not amused. He’s even a little bemused! He tells the old man to get to the fucking point. And, naturally, he rambles on some more. Speech balloons fill most of the next panel! Chamberlain tells Death that and his posse have been trying to “orchestrate the end of the world” for a while now. He tells him that they are the ones who led the other Horsemen to his whereabouts 10 years ago. He tells him that they are the ones who took everything from him because “at the time, we felt we had to”. All for the Message.
Chamberlain looks at Death very seriously now, and tells him that he has a secret that he has never uttered aloud to anyone. You can tell, under that cranky veneer, that Death is actually very eager to hear this secret! Oh boy! Secrets!
Chamberlain tells him that he doesn’t give a shit anymore. “I no longer care.”
You see, Chamberlain has come to enjoy and appreciate how much the world suits him. Just like the world suits Death. The forces that have worked to keep them enemies, he’s tired of leaning into it. He proposes that he and Death become partners! Buddies! Knuckleheads! Death hates this idea. Death is Death! Death makes the people die! The people that die need to die, not become friends with him! What is going on here?!
But then Death thinks about it. “Can you get me what I’m lookin’ for?” he asks Chamberlain. And Chamberlain sweetens the deal, tells him he can do waaaay more for him than he can even imagine. He can suck his dick for free! I bet he’ll like that! Actually, Chamberlain asks him if he’s ever even heard the Message. “Because I think there’s a passage contained within that just might interest you.”
And the passage is the same passage I wrote up above, like 2,000 words ago: “Of the third, but not of the three. A lotus, the death and resurrection of love. A cup, of the cup. A chalice, of the chalice.” He tells Death that he’s actually looking for TWO things. And Chamberlain can get him both.
And Chamberlain announces that Death’s wife is very much alive. And she is some young Asian woman from some Asian civilization.
Why did Death think his wife was dead if Death is Death? Who else would’ve deathed her, dummy?
(!)
Final Thoughts
This Chamberlain guy reminds me of Macabes from the Kevin Smith Daredevil run, and he wasn’t who he seemed either! He wasn’t who he seemed at all! Something fishy is going on goddamnit!
Too early to make any judgments yet, although “Death has an Asian Wife” seems very strange to me. Peculiar, you might say.
OK, that’s all.
Click here to ridicule this post!