Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “Haly’s Wish”

* Part 2 of 7 of the Traps and Trapezes storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “Haly’s Wish”! In the previous installment, Dick Grayson had returned to Gotham to cover Bruce Wayne’s Batman shift while Bruce left town for unknown reasons. After a year as Batman, he finally gets to be himself again. He finally gets to be…

*trumpet fart*

Nightwing.

Also, Grayson used to be a cartwheeling circus boy, and Haly’s Circus is in town for a few days. He visits his old friends, but on the way home some unknown cop-killing assailant hunts him down and claims that…here, what was it again…oh yes, “Dick Grayson is the fiercest killer in all of Gotham. And he doesn’t even know it.”

Intriguing right? Hardly! But let’s see how this pans out anyway.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“Haly’s Wish”

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2

GOTHAM CITY — CURRENT VENUE OF HALY’S CIRCUS

Ughhh. Ok, look, how is a circus story arc going to be anything but lame as shit? It’s the CIRCUS. For fuck’s sake, people, it’s the stinky circus. Is there anything badass about a circus??

We see the villain holding Nightwing over the edge of the building, so I guess all the water from the water tower DIDN’T actually push him off and send him to a swift death that ends this series prematurely. Rats! I guess I’ll have to keep reading.

“You know, that’s a really nice suit you got there.” Nightwing tells him while undressing him with his eyes. “Is it insulated? ‘Cause mine is.” And then he grabs the villain’s arm, which electrocutes him nicely. And I’m not exactly sure where this electricity actually came from, but just go with it, ok?

Oh, it’s answered in the next panel: “Whole costume’s wired to deliver a 150,000 volt shock.” Wow. Yeah, cool, not dumb at all.

Nightwing thinks he took this guy out, but the villain does a pretty backflip onto a ledge and continues fighting. He launches a rocket out of his cool and believable rocket-launching wrist mechanism, which bypasses Nightwing and explodes on a car passing by on the road.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Oopsy-Daisey! Heh heh.

“Gotta get the people out of the car, even if it means the killer gets away.” Nightwing says as he flings his fucking sticks into the car’s windshield, breaking right through it, undeniably killing both people in the vehicle if the villain hasn’t done so already! So, that’s funny. And now he’s leaping on the car’s hood, sticking his hands through the holes he made in the windshield, grappling blindly, and I guess pulling the driver and the two passengers out to safety? It is absolutely impossible to tell for sure based on how these panels were illustrated. I mean, goddamn.

The villain got away. So Nightwing goes home.

An hour later, Dick Grayson shirtlessly answers his apartment door. It’s Raya, the Magnificent Red-Haired Circus Woman, and she needs to go to Atlantic City NOW! RIGHT NOW!! “Something’s come up, Dick. Something I need your help with.” She’s worried and frantic like three giant mobsters are rounding the corner, ready to smash her tibias with a sack of doorknobs!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Keep it in your pants, homeboy.

He asks her “What about the circus?”, and she says she has the next two days off anyway. “I have to get there tonight…and I don’t have a car. Can you give me a lift?” she pleads with her sad green doe-eyes. And because Dick Grayson’s life is controlled by his boner, he smiles dopily and, like a dumbass, agrees to help her.

Now here I was thinking “Dick Grayson doesn’t have a damn car either!”, but on the very next page he’s treating her to a ride on Bruce Wayne’s private jet. Raya speaks in air quotes like an Internet Boomer, asking Grayson if “his boss” doesn’t mind him “borrowing” the jet, and if he’s trying to “impress” her. And I’m like, yes Raya, he wants to “plow you” with his “erection”.

Grayson asks her what this is all about, and she deflects by telling him that it’s complicated. And, since he thinks good things might happen to his boner, he asks her to explain anyway. Her answer to him is “Mr. Haly wants to see you.”

That answer is too complicated for Grayson to follow because he has more chromosomes than IQ points. BUT, it sounds like Mr. Haly is desperate for Grayson’s presence in Atlantic City and this sounds an awful lot like Mr. Haly stone-cold angered the mafia and needs Grayson to be a sexy distraction while he skips town! I hope so, that would really turn things around here.

But no. After Grayson says that he could have talked to him on the phone, Raya tells him that Haly’s dying. And Grayson’s face is all “BZZZORRTT” about such terrible news!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Yuck, sir. You look disgusting. Don’t talk to me anymore.

Now this is funny! Haly wants Grayson to meet him at some ramshackle abandoned warehouse that, surely, since this Atlantic City, 76,000 homeless people are currently squatting in. It’s dark, dingy, and full of crates and circus shit, including, but not limited to, skeletons, cages, and stuffed lions, rhinos, and elephants.

Old Man Haly emerges looking tumor-riddled and waxy and gross and, like, melting. “I need to make sure you have this before the cancer finishes the job…” and here, alone, in the middle of a weird abandoned mansion in the middle of the night, Old Man Haly shows Grayson a “tumor-riddled, waxy, gross, melting penis”.

And by “tumor-riddled, waxy, gross, melting penis” I actually mean “a rolled up sheet of paper”. And it’s the deed to everything circus-related in the warehouse and currently on the road. “It’s all yours, kid.”

Grayson’s face is all “BZZZORRTT”.

After insisting that he cannot take the whole stupid circus, Haly says “Can’t why? Because you’re too busy as a big-time ‘hero’ now?” Haly admits that he’s always known. The kid danced around the trapeze like a magnificent swan! Of course he’s a cocksuckin’ superhero.

Haly has amassed a lot of regrets over his life, but the biggest one was the series of events that led to Grayson defecting from the circus. Dead parents, that kind of thing. He should have stayed. It’s who he is. Take the fucking circus, loser.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2

This flight manifest tells me…that ONE OF US shouldn’t even be on this plane!…

Grayson and Raya don’t even stay in Atlantic City to piss away thousands of dollars or get drunkenly married at the casino. They fly home as quickly as they flew there. Grayson sits in his lavish, roomy, first class seat frowning heavily at the piece of paper the dying old man foisted upon him. Foisted! Raya asks if he’s ok, and he’s like “FUCK NO, I WAS JUST HANDED A CIRCUS.” She apologizes for not warning him, but once they both got on the plane she had panicked. She thought about how different life had been for him anyway, she didn’t want to topple the Jenga tower with, like, the “dying old man is giving you the circus” block.

And then they flirt and kiss and fuck on the plane, yaaaawwwnn. Boring. Heterosexual intercourse? How embarrassing for everyone.

Grayson is conflicted. Circus or crime fighting? Crime fighting or circus? How about neither, sir, are you kidding me with this right now?

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #2

So, uh…you guys fuckin’ in my plane?

The pilot, who has the expression of a man who most assuredly watched the two of them bone for however long it took Grayson to orgasm (four seconds), hands him the phone. It’s the villain from Issue #1 catching up with his good buddy Dickie Dickface Grayson! “I’m not normally one to give my name to a person I’m about to kill…but I’m willing to make an exception for a certain ‘hero’. You can call me Saiko…if I can call you Nightwing.”

The pilot is very nosy, being  about four feet away while Grayson chats with his new friend. Saiko is also involved with the circus, and he admits that more pieces of the puzzle are fitting together with Grayson’s involvement with all this. He knows about Bruce Wayne, Batman, Robin, Nightwing, all from Old Man Haly…after torturing him, of course! Tee hee!

Grayson asks what he wants. “For you to watch me kill the old man, Dick…right now. That is, of course, unless you can stop me?”

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Don’t worry, she’s used to you being quick.

So Dickie tells the pilot to do a three-point turn and head back to Atlantic City. He tells Raya that Haly was on the phone and they need to fly back to go over one more detail about the deed. He’ll be quick, because THIS TIME…*gruff voice*…IT’S PERSONAL…*cough*

So, as Nightwing, he goes back to the warehouse where Saiko is waiting, and they fight for a spell. Saiko launches more wrist rockets and blows a bunch of stuff up in the warehouse. Things are on fire now. Nightwing’s primary mission is to find Old Man Cancer Circus and make sure he’s ok.

He finds him pretty quickly in this giant multi-roomed warehouse. He’s hunched and bleeding on the floor against a large bookshelf, wheezing and apologizing for giving Nightwing up to the bad guy. Funny! That’s kind of funny. Sorry. While Nightwing is distracted by Haly’s sorry state, Saiko sneaks up behind him and SLASHES HIM IN THE BACK! Haha! Ouch!

Saiko is disappointed in this kid. He’s pretty clueless for a gruesome killer! Yeah, that’s right, “Dick Grayson – Fiercest Killer in All of Gotham!” The ceiling is starting to crumble. A piece of it lands hard with a shattering “FA-KOOMBLLLEE” (lol), and Nightwing doesn’t want to stay another second in this stupid smelly burning circus warehouse. He grabs the useless old man and gets the hell out of dodge.

Nightwing successfully carries this frail old heap of a “man” out of the burning warehouse. As they await the fire trucks, Nightwing keeps glancing back at the building wondering if Saiko got out alive. Haly quivers and whimpers, apologizing for causing all this because of the circus’ secret.

“What? You know what this is about?” Nightwing frantically asks.

“About what the circus…really is. The answers…in the heart of it, kiddo…answers in…the heart…”

Dead.

BZZZORRTT!

Final Thoughts

I SURE HOPE THIS BIG CIRCUS SECRET PAYS OFF.

EVEN IF GRAYSON HAS TO FUCK HIS WAY THROUGH A FEW CLOWNS TO GET THERE.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Wilderun, Yard Act, and Punch Brothers

OK, we’re six years into 2022. Time to get this rolling. Here’s a semi-fresh batch of new releases from Wilderun, Yard Act, and Punch Brothers. A little over a month in and there have already been some excellent albums hitting my ears, so I think we’re in for a legendary year. Fingers crossed.

Wilderun – Epigone
(January 7, 2022)

Wilderun - Epigone

I’m wary of this band. Ever since I saw the nickname “Disney metal” with respect to their 2019 release Veil of Imagination I had placed this firmly in the “Not for Me” container. I gave it one or two listens, but waved it off as sappy, saccharine-infused symphonic folk metal. Cut to now, and the nickname “Disney metal” is still as pervasive as ever. But since I’m a SERIOUS MUSIC JOURNALIST now, I need to give it a fair shake, don’t I? It’s my duty as a SERIOUS MUSIC JOURNALIST to maintain the integrity that TWAS (Tom Whines About Stuff) demands! So what do I think of Epigone?

Here’s what I think: first of all, it takes a while for any metal to even show up! An epic, soaring, fanciful, metal grand entrance occurs just before the two-minute mark on “Woolgatherer”! That’s nearly six minutes of non-metal noodling! Who do these guys think they are?

But I got hooked. “Woolgatherer” itself is a fourteen-minute opus of tense acoustic melancholy buttressed by moments of blissful cathartic release (especially that one furious guitar solo around the eight-minute mark). And this masterful tension-and-release is a constant force, woven seamlessly through the lush grandeur of rumbling strings, crescendoing guitars, and Evan Anderson Berry’s stunning voice. He really does sound like a dang prince in a Disney movie. If you’re still skeptical by the end of “Woolgatherer”, “Passenger” brings in more action. Heavier riffs, faster tempos, swirling runaway string arrangements, waking you the fuck up if you happened to sleep for the last 20 minutes.

Notably, harsh vocals are used sparingly; utilized as a tool of dramatic effect during moments of particular turmoil. I’d personally like more of it, but I understand the necessity of not relying on them as a crutch. If I recall correctly, only one brief moment each of growly guttural goodness occurs in “Woolgatherer”, “Passenger”, and “Identifier”, which is saying something considering the size of these tracks.

I could say a lot about Epigone. I already have. I didn’t even talk about the final four tracks, the “Distraction” symphony, which is likely my favorite chunk of the album. I’ll save THAT for a full review. Progressive metal was my gateway to the metalverse in the mid-2000s with Porcupine Tree, Opeth, Dream Theater, Symphony X, and Fates Warning. While I’ve been largely disillusioned over the years by the genre (and half of those bands), Wilderun breathes new life into a genre I thought I outgrew completely. If you’re a picky prog fan who despises any nagging feelings of aimlessness or melodrama, you need to check this out. These Bostonians are on top of their game here. Early contender for my AOTY list, but the year is still quite young.

Early Verdict:

Yard Act – The Overload
(January 21, 2022)

Yard Act - The Overload

2021 is going to be a tough year to beat when it comes to art punk debuts. Permit me to drop these names once again: Dry Cleaning, Squid, Black Country, New Road, Geese. Then of course there are solid non-debuts from 2021 to contend with: IDLES, black midi, Viagra Boys, Shame, Sleaford Mods, FACS, Snapped Ankles, et al. Yard Act is bold to go first in 2022 with all that before them to contend with. Their own presentation will have nothing BUT the 2021 successes to compare against, which hurts them already, but that’s not the only problem with The Overload.

Allow me to recognize the reality that this album will be a mind-blower for anyone completely new to the Mark E. Smith school of post-punk (assuming that this style will resonate in the first place). And, in fact, the titular opener is pretty mind-blowing stuff regardless. The musical phrasing is hyperactive, it’s choppy, there’s precision and care to the perceived mess, there are surprisingly hooky sudden time signature changes, there’s a speedy spoken-word bridge, there’s a really fucking good chorus melody, it’s funny, and the whole song is perfectly paced from start to finish. It’s a very early contender for my song of the year. I can’t get enough of it. I’m humming it in the shower.

The rest of the album not only fails to reach the heights of “The Overload”, but it fails to even be a good addition to the ever-growing post-punk genre. Yard Act certainly got a lot of hype, which is why it landed on my radar in the first place, but nearly the entirety of this record is a soulless carbon copy of its influences. I hear smatterings of the Fall, LCD Soundsystem, Sleaford Mods, Arctic Monkeys, and others, without a trace of a singular identity. That in of itself is bad enough, but the record displays a rather unearned, boastful presentation that I cannot stand here and abide. Not at all. If even half the tracks hit hard like “The Overload”, I’d be whistling a different tune! But when you get tracks like “Rich” that plods along on its one-trick-pony snail’s pace, or tracks like “Quarantine the Sticks” that attempts to be more profound and satirical than the thimbleful of substance allows, it’s hard not to feel a little cheated. Even while the title track completely blew me away, I was still annoyed that the very first track on a band’s very first album had a bridge where the singer breaks down what it’s like to make it in the music business. Even if it is self-deprecating, it smacks of acting above one’s station. Save that shit for album four or five.

This record disappointed me greatly, and I still haven’t yet forgiven it.

Early Verdict:

Punch Brothers – Hell on Church Street
(January 14, 2022)

Punch Brothers - Hell on Church Street

I’ve already said a lot with the other two, luckily I don’t have too much to say with Punch Brothers. They take a genuinely uncool genre like bluegrass and make it palatable for modern indie audiences. They do what they do and they do it well.

Hell on Church Street, their sixth studio album, is a track-by-track reworking of bluegrass musician Tony Rice’s 1983 album Church Street Blues. I don’t know anything about Tony Rice, where he fits into the history of American bluegrass traditions, or even how quintessential his album was to bluegrass as a whole, but guitarist Chris Eldridge was a student of Rice’s and saw fit to bring the band together to record this tribute. Rice died on Christmas, 2020.

You get a good mix of, what I imagine, all of the varying bluegrass styles. A bubbly traditional folk instrumental “Cattle in the Cane”. A peaceful instrumental “Gold Rush”. A jaunty, hillbilly romp “Any Old Time”. A baleful vocal lament “Streets of London”. A sad, fiery tale of lost love “House Carpenter”. Bob Dylan and Gordon Lightfoot covers “One More Night” and “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”, respectively, performed with all the heart you’d expect from the real deals. It’s good. It’s all good.

I’ve given this band a shot about ten years ago, and the experience resulted in my complete ambivalence. I even saw them live, which I can’t say about many bands at all, and was left completely cold. Maybe I’m older and more open-minded, because Hell on Church Street is a damn fine record. These players are all fantastic musicians and vocalists, and I’ll still be spinning this one once in a while. I might even check out Tony Rice. Maybe.

Early Verdict:


Click here to ridicule this post!
Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Dangerous (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Dangerous storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #7 – “Dangerous (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, spanning Issues #1 – #6, a place called Benetech Labs (overseen by Dr. Rao, an old colleague of Hank “Roast Beast” McCoy) is developing a “cure” that will render any mutant powerless. Some in the mutant community see this as systematic genocide, others see it as the answer to all their problems. The moral and sociopolitical implications are complicated! Anyway, Nick Fury and his S.H.I.E.L.D. agents get involved and now it’s in the hands of the government, so who knows what could happen with it now.

Oh yeah, there was something about certain people being able to see the future, and the future ain’t lookin’ great. An apocalyptic event is caused by a single mutant, but it’s unknown who this mutant was or what the mutant did. The “cure” was developed in part to rid ALL mutants of their powers in order to stop this one specific, unknown mutant from causing the end times. So there’s that too.

Also, Colossus (aka Peter), who was supposed to be dead before the events of the story, is actually not dead at all! And now he’s walking around not dead, much to Kitty Pryde’s confusion and surprise.

That’s the gist. Instead of jumping to some other X-Men run, I decided to keep going with Joss Whedon’s to see if I can get a little more appreciation for his work if I kept going. If I’m left cold, I’m jumping to some other X-Men series for a bit. And that’s just the facts, ma’am.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [January, 2005]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Dangerous (Part 1)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Check the cover. The gang’s all here and ready to boot some ass back to Assville! Hell yeah! And Assville is really far away, too! There’s no direct flight to Assville, you have to change planes and shit, like, in Denver or something. ANYWAY, let’s see what these fucked-up freaks are up to these days.

Remember that sad-sack Wing? The flying kid whose powers were STOLEN from him when Ord stabbed him in the back with some cure needles? He’s ambling around the school grounds looking like a sad little emo boy because he doesn’t get to fly anymore. Instead of kicking his useless butt to the curb, the school is being gracious and they’re letting him stay. Mostly because McCoy wants to run tests on him like a whimpering lab rat that he is. Everyone always stares at him with their pity-eyes.

He climbs to the top of a large hill and finds himself on the edge of a cliff. “I’m not a normal human.” Wing says with defiance.

“I can fly.”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

OK there, R. Kelly. Do you think about it every night and day? And by that I mean your sex trafficking and child pornography crimes?

The X’ed-Men are all flying in a jetcraft thing, with Peter Colossus windsurfing on top for an unknown fool-ass reason. They arrive at some large city where some Godzilla-thing is doing some Godzilla-style terrorizing. They say the thing came out of the ground, so the X-Guys are gonna try to put the creature back where it came from. Cyclops does a leadership thing, which makes Emma Frost positively moist and, thus, successfully disgusts Kitty Pryde.

Peter Colossus starts fighting the creature while his inner monologue is concerned about how strange it is to be back with the X-Men and fighting again. Kitty Pryde is fighting while her inner monologue is concerned about how strange and tense the dynamic between her and Peter seems to be right now. Wolverine is fighting and has no inner monologue except for “I really like beer” because he’s big and brutish and dumb and just likes fighting!

While the action is happening outside, a room full of office workers are standing like zombies, each one with the same peculiar thought in their head:

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Goes against my daily habit of leaving in a slow, yet disorderly, fashion.

So that’s weird.

The X-Mens continue attacking the giant Godzilla ripoff. When its back is turned, Beast fires concussive blasts from the jet. And then, out of nowhere, the Fantastic Four shows up in their own jet! Apparently, this is New York City! Ever heard of it? New York City is Fantastic Four territory! That’s embarrassing.

Back at Professor Xavier’s Starfleet Academy, Wing is still standing on the edge of that cliff. His friend Hisako tells him that his parents are asking for him. Specifically, they’re asking for “Eddie”, which is Wing’s real name. “You’re a normal human now. No reason to be at a school for the ‘gifted’ if you don’t have a gift.” she says to him. Eddie Wingman ain’t hearin’ it! Denial! “I can’t fly, I might as well just snuff it!” he growls at her. He asks her if she lost her armor, what would she do? And she responds coldly with “Well, if I had any real guts at all…I’d jump off a cliff.”

The Godzilla Battle Rages On. The X-Men and the Fantabulous Four are teaming up, and folks, you love to see it! The Thing, the big rock guy, he grabs a semi-truck and whacks the monster over the head with it, sending it straight down the hole he crawled up from! That’s the end of that!

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Ha. That’s funny. Can’t wait for all the “Wolverine is from Canada” jokes that await me in the X-Men canon. That won’t get tired at all.

Now that the threat has been eliminated, Mr. Stretchy-Man asks the X-Dudes why, exactly, the fucking hell they’re here in the first place. Wolverine gets catty and tells them that they should be grateful that the X-Men showed up. Cyclops, always the level-headed boring guy, tells them that they feel like they should be out there more. Doing the work and all that. The Fantastic Four first thinks that, with them fighting by the X-Men’s side, it’ll be good publicity for the mutant community. “But what if it backfires?” Mr. Fantasmo-riffic asks out loud, “What if the press brands us a menace?” Whoops, good question! That’s what will probably happen!

So the Fantastic Four gets the fuck out of dodge.

SCENE CHANGE! Special Agent Brand, the green-haired S.W.O.R.D. lady who was working with Ord, she’s speaking during a court session in front of a BOARD OF ELDERS. She’s defending her case. She’s doing it quite well.

She defends her collusion with Ord in pursuit of the greater good. “There is a bullet pointed at this planet’s head. You all know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“An X-Man is destined to destroy the breakworld. And destiny isn’t thwarted by diplomats.” Brand says, putting on her Deal-With-It sunglasses!

Back at X-Men HQ, also known as One Of Their On-Campus Apartments, the team is mad at the TV because they’re showing more news coverage of Paris Hilton sucking a dick than they are of the NYC Godzilla battle! In fact, there’s no coverage of the battle whatsoever! Cyclops, always the cynical boring guy, mansplains to Kitty Pryde that the news was already written before the news even happened. “‘The Mutant Menace’ is the story. Always has been.” he says, turning the TV off. Frost backs him up: “He’s right. J. Jonah Jameson’ll be tongue-kissing Spider-Man before the X-Men catch a little public favor.” Oooooh, that’s quite the sexy image! J.K. Simmons entwined in a loving embrace with Tobey Maguire? Folks, you love to see it!

Hisako runs into the room desperate for help. Eddie Wingman is missing. Frost’s creepy Stepford Cuckoo’s walk in looking like the creepy twins from the Shining, except there’s three of them. Frost asks what they sensed, but they say they didn’t sense anything. Some other lady did. This lady has no eyeballs and she’s speaking nonsense talk! “He cannot leave, yes, thank you. I like him well. I ache. And worse. If he goes away, then, no thank you. Then the new one will come.” Really helpful, thanks lady.

Wing jumped from the cliff. There are about seven panels of him bleeding out on the ground.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Spread my wings and fly away… ♫ ♬

But the final page shows Wing bleeding out on the floor of a giant, empty, cylindrical lab room. And in this giant, empty, cylindrical lab room, there’s a giant computer with a screen that reads

“DANGER ROOM SIMULATION ENVIRONMENT: CAMPUS EXTERIOR”

“EXERCISE COMPLETE”

Final Thoughts

Markedly better already! Perhaps it helps that I’m not learning about an entire group of new people from scratch. The end is very intriguing. Suicide’s a bummer, though. There’s a hotline for that, though, these days.

That’s all I’ve got so far! See ya next time, you old Stepford Cuckoo you.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Sucky Funnies for February 6, 2022

The paper is so full of old strips running as “classics” now that I don’t even know which ones are currently running and which ones are retired. “For Better or For Worse” had a kid dancing with a CD player today, and I learned that strip hasn’t even been running new ones since 2008! Just reruns. Blondie, conversely, a comic strip that should have died in the ’30s, still runs strong with no signs of stopping, mostly because the family that runs Blondie keeps on breeding their own endless army of Blondie-writers.

In short, I’m not going to worry too much about if a Sunday strip is actually a brand new strip or an ’80s rerun. I don’t care. If it’s in the paper and it’s dated for today, it’s eligible. Even if they talk about the Nixon tapes or the bombing of Nagasaki, that’s someone else’s problem, not mine!

Dilbert

Dilbert - February 6, 2022

Click for Larger

As we all should be aware of by now, Scott Adams a cranky right-wing nutjob piece of shit who thinks his show was cancelled because he was white and who thinks Republicans were/are going to be hunted during Biden’s presidency. This context paints the whole Dilbert strip with a different brush, namely the “aging privileged Boomer who thinks the whole world is constantly out to get him” brush.

Thus, how can you read the above strip and not picture the scenario from which the inspiration was drawn? Scott Adams arguing with a 22-year-old Starbucks employee, probably, using phrases like “I have demolished your argument with my superior logic” while she tries to tell him to stop giving her payment in Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Scott Adams arguing with his liberal nephew during Thanksgiving dinner, using phrases like “it has nothing to do with what we’re discussing” when his nephew tries to present the wealth of evidence available out there that Trump’s pants were full of poop for the majority of his four years in office.

The corporate stuff is all true, though. Speaking from personal experience as an engineer who currently works for a corporation, it really fucking sucks shit. Scott Adams is right about that. This is why I’d rather write about comics.

Heathcliff

Heathcliff - February 6, 2022

Click for Larger

WHOOPS! How did Heathcliff, our Lord and Savior, accidentally end up on the pages of Sucky Funnies Sunday?? Heathcliff is not a benevolent entity, and I should not expect forgiveness from him quite so readily. I have truly sinned, and my penance shall be long, grueling, and assuredly demoralizing. Heathcliff expects no less from his disciples.

Heathcliff strips always embrace the avant-garde. If you read a Heathcliff strip expecting a punchline, you miss the point entirely. Heathcliff provides a rich world-building experience with consistent, insular logic. One does not read a Heathcliff strip to be entertained. One reads a Heathcliff strip for enlightenment. Heathcliff strips transcend earthly characteristics; mapping endless paths to the realms of the Freudian instinctual parts of the human mind in order to challenge social and behavioral conventions.

For instance, “never give a cat hot sauce” implies that Heathcliff is not the only cat in this universe who will terrorize the neighborhood dogs with charring blasts of fire-breath. In fact, the implication is that all cats have this ability! Dogs and birds are subservient beasts to cats in Heathcliff’s world, and Heathcliff’s elderly owner (or should I say, “elderly pet”) has no control of the situation if a cat happens to obtain a bottle of the precious weapon.

Really makes you think, right?

Yes.

Ziggy

Ziggy - February 6, 2022

Click for Larger

Ziggy sucks. The comic strip and the idea of Ziggy sucks. Ziggy was created by some dipshit who used to work as an executive for a major greeting cards company, and than that dipshit’s son took over and has been continuing the strip longer than I’ve been alive.

Here we see a narrative that was lifted straight from a Hallmark card from 1965. Sappy positivity is all over the Sunday Funnies. A lovable loser like Ziggy is very relatable to all the unlovable losers out there, and they look to Ziggy to feel like they’re in good company.

I like to imagine that there are many versions of the last panel is on the cutting room floor. Ziggy gets mauled by a polar bear. A shark leaps out of the water and eats his face. A maniac grabs the saw and decapitates his ugly, bald head. There are so many better endings here. What a waste.


Click here to ridicule this post!
Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Welcome to Gotham”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Traps and Trapezes storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Welcome to Gotham”! Welcome to “Welcome to Gotham”. Welcome.

Nightwing is Dick Grayson, one of the old Robins who is no longer a Robin. While it’s widely known that Batman gets to brutally torture and murder every Robin once they become of age, Dick Grayson got to live and move on to become his own superhero. This is because Grayson had a pile of incriminating photos of Batman tongue-kissing Commissioner Gordon’s gun.

While all of that may only be 7/8s true, I know just a little bit about Nightwing through the first few issues of New 52 Batman, as well as Issue #3 of the New 52 Batgirl. In the latter, it’s revealed that he and Batgirl…ahem…had a thing.

And that’s about it. Will Batgirl show up among the pages of the first Nightwing storyline? Will Nightwing find that gun and tongue-kiss it himself? Only reading on will reveal the closely-guarded answers!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“Welcome to Gotham”

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

What the hell is with these crotch-shots? It looks like Nightwing is leaping off a building, gearing up to land testicles-first right on your face. No means no, sir. Atrocious.

A monologue reveals that Nightwing has never lived in one place very long, growing up in a traveling circus and all that (!). It’s weird for him to be in Gotham now for two reasons: 1) he’s been here a year already, and 2) he was filling in for Batman while Bruce Wayne is away (!!).

“I’m finally me again. Dick Grayson–NIGHTWING!” And he poses triumphantly over his title page.

Oh wait, did you hear that? That’s the sound of me in the comic book shop, shutting the issue and moving on to something else! Oh look, a box of old Simpsons comics, and-

All right, fine. We see him doing some cute flips around the late-night cityscape. He says he’s pretty good at filling Batman’s shoes, but the city’s been changing around him during the last six months. In a certain part of town, for example, there usually aren’t murders! But now there are murders! Stuff like that.

He waxes nostalgic about his stint as Robin, how he was an acrobat who was good at a-swishin’ and a-swayin’. But now he’s so much better. He’s a very proud boy! “Now Gotham has nothing that can scare me…”

“…or, at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.”

The circus is in town! It’s called Haly’s Circus, and it’s the first time the troupe is back in Gotham since Tony Zucco killed Nightwing’s parents. He cut their trapeze. OK, so Grayson’s childhood trauma mirrors Bruce Wayne. Kindred spirits. How quaint. I think that’s how Lennon and McCartney fell in love, too.

Part of Grayson doesn’t want to relive that past, but he’s already passed by the tent three times. He figures he should go down and say hi.

But then he doesn’t.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Don’t switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no ♫♪♪

FLASHBACK TIME! Dick Grayson arrives in Gotham on a charter bus. He’s just like Corey Hart, wearing his sunglasses at night. Immediately, and I do mean immediately, two thugs start giving him shit for wearing those shades. A guy like him shouldn’t be wearing those at night, he better hand them over.

So now Grayson is ready to chew bubblegum and suck dicks and kick ass, and he’s all out of gum and dicks. He snaps one guy’s neck and boots the face of the other. They’re probably dead now. “I always did like this city.” he says as he walks away. As he walks away from this double homicide he just committed.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Hello ladies, the Big Buff Slob is back in town.

Grayson never liked Bruce’s big mansion. Too big, too far away from the action! No, no, it’s a shitty loft in the worst part of town for him! Ah well, they both have their differences. Grayson eats like a slob, too.

But they have their similarities too. Both of them are haunted by their past. And, apparently, both of them are really obsessed with Batman. Hmm.

You know what, fuck it, right? Grayson still loves the circus, what’s he so afraid of? Time to visit the tent! What could possibly happen?

So he goes down and meets up with his sleazy, scummy, circus chums. Jimmy the Clown is cranky! “How do you think I’ve been, Grayson? I’m a clown doing a show in Gotham. Terrible.” Ahahahaha! Classic Jimmy!

Bryan Haly is the name of the guy who runs the circus, the son of the guy who used to run the circus. Now Bryan runs the circus. Write that down. He seems affable enough; he tells Grayson that he didn’t need to come visit, they all understood. But Grayson insists that he wanted to see everyone again. Especially that red-haired broad in the blue dress, hubba hubba!

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Oh yeah, both of your parents fell to their deaths in front of an audience? Kinda rings a bell, dude.

Her name is Raya, and she starts fondling his hair before he has a real chance to say “who loves ya baby”. She introduces him to a frowny guy named Marc, who is the circus’ new “catcher”. So who’s the pitcher? Ha! That’s a bad joke, sorry.

Raya and Marc invite Grayson to flip around on the trapeze for a bit, and he hesitates for about three nanoseconds before he indulges. Wearing blue spandex, he woos the crew with his sultry acrobatics! Then he decides he might blow his cover if he gets too fancy; as far as everyone below knows, Grayson hasn’t been keeping up with his circus moves.

What a weird fucking thought in general.

Then he gets all sappy about Gotham again, recognizing that his past is more of a weakness than a strength, blah blah blah. It’s some real after-school special shit.

He heads out, making a mental note to bone Raya before the circus leaves town. As he makes his way down the slummy, poorly lit city street, a costumed villain jumps down from above. He’s dressed like a ninja assassin with Wolverine blades. “I’ve been looking for you, Mr. Grayson.” he says, and then UNLEASHES THE BEAST! As Grayson dodges the villain’s attacks, a cop shows up and starts blasting his gun in their direction. “Trigger-happy patrolmen.” Grayson mutters, but finds the cop’s intervention a welcome distraction. He slips behind an alley to put on his Nightwing jammies.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

No, not Hrk and Grgg! My favorite two characters died in Episode 1!

The mysterious assailant slashes two cop throats in a single move, which would make Ice-T proud. However, Nightwing blames himself for ducking out and allowing the cops to get hella killed. He decides to reason with the villain delicately: “You tell me what this is about, and I only break your little claws. And your jaw.” Quite diplomatic!

The villain tells Nightwing to stay out of it, which is funny because 40 seconds ago he told Grayson he was looking for him. Nevertheless, Nightwing follows the guy as he tries to climb away up a building. He makes a note that the assailant is super fast. Like, super duper fast. Like, faster than Nightwing. And that’s fast, boy. That’s some fast-ass nonsense. They meet up at the roof of a high-rise.

“You have no idea who you’re protecting.” says the villain.
“Then why don’t you tell me why somebody hired you to kill him?” says Nightwing.
“Dick Grayson is the fiercest killer in all of Gotham. And he doesn’t even know it.” says the villain.

And that’s puzzling.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Yeah, sure, he can’t even kill at the Zanies open-mic night.

Even though I witnessed him kill two thugs when he stepped off the bus! But whatever.

Caught off guard, the villain rips a hole in a nearby water tower, and the force of the escaping water cracks a couple of Nightwing’s ribs and pushes him down, down, down, down, down the building.

The villain follows, brandishing his bloody claws.

“Did I mention how good it is to be me again?” says Nightwing, rethinking everything that led to this moment in his life.

Final Thoughts

I dunno, man. Not very engaging yet! The circus angle is a little meh, seems like an outdated plot device in the year 2011.

I’d rather see Grayson fail to bone the redhead.


Click here to ridicule this post!