Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Hoaxed”! This marks the end of both the sub-storyline and the overall storyline, and I thought I was going to be happy to finally be at the end, but I started taking a liking to this series! I’ll have to return sooner rather than later.

In the previous installment, the Skrull imposter, disguised as Captain America, told the whole country on a live broadcast that aliens are real and have invaded. And he proves it! And now that he’s left destruction in his wake, his work is done. Now the real Captain America has to clean up the mess that has been proliferated by the dumbass population of his dumbass country. And I’m very curious to see how this blue spandex pinhead is going to pull this miracle off.

Fightin’ Skrulls while America Burns. You love to see it!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [July, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Hoaxed”

“Three hours ago, the nation exploded.” LITERALLY?! No. Damn. Not literally.

In Los Angeles, a man with a baseball bat is beating upon a car with a Hindu family inside. In Denver, a black teacher shields his students from flying bricks and stones crashing through his classroom windows. In Alabama, a frightened mother is about to hit her punk-hairdo son with a frying pan.

The American people have turned against one another! And guess what, you don’t need a fucking alien invasion to do that anyway! Just tell them that vaccines help diseases, that’ll really stir the pot up nice and frothy.

We begin our story in Manhattan, the start of all the ruckus. An angry mob is chasing down a young, blonde woman in the streets. A guy hurls a brick at her. “Call ME a Skrull, huh? Maybe YOU’RE the Skrull! Die! Die! DIE!”

Someone stops the brick in mid-air with a trash can lid. “Don’t worry, miss. They won’t hurt you.” claims this unknown silhouetted figure, kicking some punk butts right in their punk butts! He smacks them around and punches and uppercuts and suplexes and piledrives! “They just need to be calmed down a little. It’s all right.”

He’s takin’ a shit!

The woman is in hysterics, yelling about Captain America needing to be around to lead them all and save them from the Skrulls! “Where is he? For the love of God — Where is Captain America?”

And this shrewd Captain America son of a gun. He’s just Steve Rogers. He’s just a normal guy.

The news reports are going nuts. Our favorite Rear Admiral USA is absolutely nowhere to be found ever since he made that shocking announcement! It seems that some skepticism is surfacing among the population that Captain’s claims may have been CRAZY CUCKOO BANANAS?! But the riots have been picking up momentum, regardless. Hospitals are filling up. Blah blah. Just another day in the Land of the Free, I always say.

Meanwhile, the fake-Hydra-turned-fake-Captain-America thinks about 6,000 sentences worth of exposition dialogue that we ALREADY KNOW. WE ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS SHIT, MARK WAID. Let me Google a picture of you … … Gross! Nerd!

Groooaaann. Anyway, this Skrull Guy goes over how he infiltrated Hydra, exponentially increased Captain America’s reputation, and impersonated him in order to send out a nation-crippling message! All as revenge against humans. Ha! It’s great! Good stuff man!

Except…it’s not as sweet as it should be. Most of the fun, apparently, was supposed to be the look on Captain America’s big dumb face as he struggles and fails completely and horribly forever. But he’s nowhere to be found. And that sucks. It’s not fun unless I can see this one boring human suffer!

Steve Rogers walkie-talkies Tony Stark using some ultra-futuristic 3D Windows 98 high-polygon-count metal rectangle Tupac hologram widget. Rogers is simply stunned at how out-of-control and widespread the rioting is across the country. Stark assures him that they’re working on “what he asked for”, but the plan is going slowly. Even with the combined forces of Smarty Man Tony Stark and Smarty Man Reed Richards, the plan is going slowly! And they have a combined IQ of, like, 600! That’s how much of a bitch this is, Steve!

I’d be ashamed too if I had dubbed myself the captain of this sinking ship called America.

Even though Stark insists that he could be better help as Iron Man, Rogers says he has the superhero side covered with Thor aka Mr. Thunderpants (who is currently in Los Angeles scaring the bejesus out of some rioters) and Scarlet Witch aka Ms. Scarletpants (who is at some undisclosed location shooting spells in the air and screaming “THERE ARE NO SKRULLS!!” at sad-looking hillbillies).

Hawkeye’s with the Scarlet Witch and they share an inane conversation. “Can-ya believe wha’ theys be doin’ in the good name of da Captain of Americans?” That’s about the level of dialogue we’re dealing with here. Even Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch, trusted friends, faithful fellow Avengers, are like “what’s the fucking Captain’s problem?” with this whole situation.

Stay the course! Trust the plan! MAGA!

Anyway, Tony Stark asks if he can at least try to build a device that will track the Skrull, and Rogers tells him “NO!”. Stark gets huffy and asks him, then, why he isn’t making an appearance as Captain America. “Gotta go! I’m going through a tunnel! Bszzsxzz! Skrrchcsh! Woopwooooop! Blub!” and Rogers hangs up on him.

There’s a dipshit wearing flak gear and shooting a couple of semi-automatics in the air. “Cap never steered me wrong! He needs my help — I’m here for him! Cap — I’m doing this for you!” he keeps yelling this kind of claptrap to no one in particular. Steve Rogers does a couple of backflips before knocking this dick to the ground.

Skrull Leader is playing with little Cap and Skrull puppets (seriously) while ruminating about his failure to make Captain America show up and cry in front of him. So now it’s time to be assertive! Another public appearance by Captain America is in order. Quite. Yes yes.

While Stone Cold Steve Rogers is cleaning up the streets, a speedy silver fox in black and white spandex zooms up to him! Why, it’s Quicksilver! (???) And he didn’t recognize Stevie at first out of uniform. Nice to meet you, Quicksilver. How many goddamn superheroes are there out there? Like, 15?? Man!

Plus, I’ve been looking for an excuse to walk around in my spiffy new button-down with the extra-crispy collar fold!

The Quicksilver Messenger Service is here to tell Steve that the Avengers are doing a good job so far keeping the riots at bay…although, heh heh, a nice chipper message from CAPTAIN AMERICA would sure lift everyone’s spirits. Heh heh. Whattaya say, pal?

And then Steve goes full-Kirk Douglas on him. “WHAT EEEEES IT, MAN? YOU THINK I DON’T WANT TO? YOU THINK I LIKE JUST STANDING HERE IN THE STREET HOLDING MY DICK? DO YOU?!” He starts shaking Quicksilver like a baby in the hands of a tweeking heroin dad. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUN FOR ME? DO YOU? DO YOU?!” He’s just rattling him like a little can of spray paint. No, what Steve needs to do is expose the Skrull for the fraud that he is (isn’t?). And that means lying low and waiting for him to make another appearance… Quite. Yes yes.

And he doesn’t even have to wait that long! As he and Quicksilver speak, “Captain America” appears on a giant TV screen in the desolate ruin of Times Square waiting to make another live announcement. Eek! Steve yells into his Apple Watch for Stark to get “the pickup” ready, and Tony Stark freaks out because it’s NOT ready. It’s NOT FUCKING READY, STEVE. Why are they even friends? Steve’s just gonna come early anyway. Shaking my damn head.

Here’s Skrull-Cap’s new shocking announcement:

Yawn! Old news. Being a Skrull is a prerequisite for Congress.

Now THIS? Who cares? Bill Clinton was a Skrull? That would’ve explained a lot, huh? Boooring.

“I urge all good Americans to arm and assemble in Washington immediately so I may lead them to victory against these imposters before-” and he doesn’t get to finish that sentence before a mysterious SSSKOW! sound effect signals an unexpected change back into a Skrull before everyone’s very eyes!

NONPLUSSED, this guy. And before he really even has a chance to say something, in soars CAPTAIN FUCKIN’ WHO CARES, who starts just punching the Skrull around the stage while telling the Skrull how much of a Skrull he is. Cap’n tells the Skrull he was hit with a ray that reverted him back to true form.

And within, like, fourteen nanoseconds, all the press watching are like “oh man, he was a Skrull this whole time? I guess we can tell everyone it was a hoax!” And Mr. Fantastic pops into the room to say “yeah, you should, good idea!”. And a guy says “Wait, what if this is all part of the Skrull Conspiracy?!” And Mr. Fantastic says “There is no conspiracy. Just do it.” And the press collectively goes “yeah, ok, good idea!”

And then, one by one, members of the Avengers and the Fantastic Four show up to go “yeah!” and take a whack at the Skrull.

And the Skrull is like “NO! NOOO! NOOOO!”

And then he’s defeated!

(??????)

Ha! You’re forgetting about the Covid PLANdemic there, Sparky! And chemtrails. And Rob Schneider.

Now, in a frustrating fit of anticlimactic blue balls, I slog through the rest of this big glowing toilet. Captain America takes the stage and tells all his dumb American fans that there was never a Skrull threat. The only enemy was PARANOIA! Even though he just exposed a threatening Skrull in front of many people. But we’re going to conveniently forget that very quickly! Or else!

I mean, Cap’n literally talks about how a Skrull was able to be a threat by exploiting overblown American patriotism. When a member of the press asks him if he, then, blames the American people, Cap’n stutters and says this: “No. Yes. Sir, I am the American people. What happened, happened thanks to all of us.”

So which is it, dumbfuck?

“Even I became seduced by Capmania. It’s hard not to believe your own press when there’s so much of it.”

And then he blames himself for the American people being so willing to take Captain America at his word without questioning crazy calls for violence. So then he hangs his head in shame.

Thor especially looks quite sad. Haha.

“This country doesn’t know what it is anymore. We’re all what our role will be in the dawning of a new millennium…so let me lay down my role once and for all.”

He says a lot of boring words. I make myself a sandwich. Cap’n ends that thought with “As of today, I am not a ‘super hero.’ Now and forevermore…I am a man of the people. Together, you and I will confront America’s problems. Together, we will figure out what we are…and what we can be. Together, we will define the American dream…and make it an American reality.”

Then the scene pans out to show Captain America standing in the torch of the Statue of Liberty with the Twin Towers in the background.

NOT SHOWN: 9/11. Trump presidency. Other stuff that makes some of these last few pages a little rough in general. Yeesh.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I don’t know. I think I’m done on 1998 Captain America for a while! Besides, Issue #8 is part of a crossover storyline and I’m not prepared right now to dip into the late ’90s Iron Man or Quicksilver comics. So, sorry Cap, you’re getting shelved for now!

What lies ahead for me in the vast Marvel wasteland? I’m aquiver with anticipation.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “Exposé”! I’ll be able to sum up the previous installment in two sentences:

The Sensational Hydra was actually a Skrull in disguise, and now Captain America is trapped in a supply closet at the Empire State Building while the Skrull pretends to be Captain America in order to get away with doing Bad things.

Thor’s hammer is a metaphor for his penis.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [June, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Exposé”

See? SEE? Look at the cover! Captain America is a green guy now! People are gonna NOTICE that! Is America too STUPID to notice that Captain America was replaced by a GREEN GUY?

YES!

YES A MILLION TIMES! FUCK MY DUMBASS HELL COUNTRY OF IDIOTS!

Skrull-Cap is presumably in Captain America’s quarters at the Avengers Mansion. “Well…we won’t be needing this, now, will we?…” he says as he PUTS AN AMERICAN FLAG IN THE WASTEBASKET!

HE PUTS AN AMERICAN FLAG IN THE WASTEBASKET!

Next we’ll see him take a rude puff on a tobacco cigarette. Keep this awful rag away from the kids!

There’s a knock on the door, and it’s the Scarlet Witch. He avoids suspicion by saying her name to her face, proving that he knows who she is! Classic move. She asks what the hell he’s doing in there all day. “Redecorating,” Skrull-Cap says, “What can I do for you?”

I, too, love to think very specific details about my evil schemes to myself for the benefit of keeping my many new readers informed.

She leads him to a room full, and I do mean full, of letters. “You can answer your mail.” she says, and there’s enough mail in the room that he’d still be answering his mail in 2022 if he indeed started in 1998. And the real Captain America would just be a forgotten pile of skeleton bones trapped in the supply closet.

Skrull-Cap smirks to himself, already enjoying the ruse. Next he’s at a giant command console, patting himself on the back further with some great, organic, seamless exposition dialogue I’ve come to associate with Mark Waid all too well in only six issues.

He’s about to start pressing buttons when Iron Man strolls into the room. “Cap, what are you doing?” Iron Man asks, and I can’t help but notice he’s already made two Avengers suspicious of his behavior in less than five minutes. Presumably, Captain America doesn’t spend any time in his quarters or use any computers.

“Be careful with those controls. You don’t want to deactivate half the security systems in the American government, do you?” Iron Man scolds. And here I am thinking that half of America’s security systems are located in a house of spandex-wearing dummies?

Back at the Empire State Building, the real Captain America is floppin’ like a fish around the supply closet, knocking over ladders and shit, trying to get out of the “Skrull handcuffs”. And even though he was specifically and descriptively warned about every little reason why the Skrull handcuffs are impossible to get out of, he is nevertheless surprised! Fire doesn’t work, they form ice! “Blast it, the Skrulls bound me with the cuffs they use to contain each other!” he yells frustratedly. It’s like, yeah dude, they told you that already! Weren’t you listening to a goddamned thing they told you while you were being imprisoned?

Come on guys, that’s not what I’m saying! Guys, are you listening? Come on, now.

Cap’n understands the gravity of his predicament and tries to think fast (ha!) to come up with a plan to escape. One bad action from Skrull-Cap could ruin his reputation forever! And he’ll have no one to blame but himself!

Hilarious! As BILL FUCKING CLINTON tries to tell his country that America will never bow to terrorists, a couple of Rowdy Roddy Pipers scream and start opening fire! This is the funniest comic I’ve ever read. How did these terrorists infiltrate the closed-door presidential anti-terrorist speech??! My stars!

Don’t worry, CAPTAIN AMERICA is on the scene to make short work of Danny Trejo and Mitch Hedberg over here! They are scared little boys now! They start running away!

President William “Sex” Clinton thanks Skrull-Cap for a job well done, and Skrull-Cap thinks this guy is a fat old sap! A reporter asks him if he has a few words for the cameras, and Skrull-Cap announces that he has a message that will “jolt the nation!”.

The only immediate jolt I see is the real Captain America launching himself onto a high voltage junction box and zapping the shit out of himself. That’s another lol from me. “I refuse to accept that I’m not smarter than a Skrull” Cap’n thinks to himself, and I think it’s way too fucking late there, Cap.

Next he sees an elevator shaft and gets another idea…lol

ANYWAY, Skrull-Cap is sitting in a dressing room telling his fellow Skrulls that they can’t know the plan yet because someone might overhear. “Just follow my lead.” he tells them. He tells one of the two Skrulls to be a congressman (*shapeshift*), the other to be a reporter (*shapeshift*), and he’s still gonna be Captain America (*already-shapeshifted*), and they’ll know what to do when he gives the cue. “Trust me.” he says. If I were a Skrull, would I trust a fuckin’ shapeshifter? Ha! No way man! In your dreams, padre!

And this state’s next penis texting-related scandal!

A guy approaches Skrull-Cap in the hallway, but Skrull-Cap doesn’t know who he is! I know who he is! He’s Congressman-hopeful Andrew Bolt. Here’s what I wrote about him in Issue #4:

A man named Andrew Bolt pushes his way up to shake Cap’n’s hand; he’s running for congress! He needs Captain America’s endorsement. However, always the man with integrity, Captain America declines and does cartwheels while telling Bolt that democracy will decide whether or not he’s the man for the job. USA! USA!

So this time, Andrew Bolt hears that Captain America will endorse this ugly piece of shit! “Let’s just say I’ve undergone a change.” Skrull-Cap tells him when Bolt questions his unpredicted flip-floppin’.

But screw that noise, there’s more serious matters to attend to. Skrull-Cap tells the press to follow him into the studio “and have those tape recorders ready!”

So I’m gonna jump down a 19-foot elevator shaft. That’ll learn ’em!

Meanwhile, this dumb motherfucker over here is going to jump down an elevator shaft. And it’s going to work because these superheroes are always luckier than they are smart. Off he goes! Will he make it? What’s gonna happen??

Ok, so it’s hard to tell exactly what’s happening, but it looks like he’s sliding his hands down the elevator rope and he falls down the shaft face first. It is revealed that he caused himself to bleed on purpose in order to trick the Skrull cuffs into thinking he was turning into liquid. Because they thought he was turning into liquid, the cuffs morphed to become a hard shell container, and this hard shell container simultaneously shattered upon impact AND protected Captain America at the same time, freeing this stupider-than-unlucky hero! Thanks, Mark Waid, you sure earned your paycheck here.

And now, having landed on the elevator proper, he opens his way into the elevator and attempts to locate Skrull-Cap.

Certainly, Captain America will prove lucky again, because AS I TYPE THIS the imposter is giving his speech on stage in front of many witnesses, the press, EVERYONE! God himself, possibly, if he isn’t too busy JERKING OFF! AHAHAHAHA!

“Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you with dire news…” Skrull-Cap begins, “…what I am about to reveal to you will rock the nation. Brace yourselves.”

Captain America is HOOFING it to the TV studio!

Hawkeye and Thor are watching on their super special Avengers consoles. Fake Captain America looks quite dumb on the screen, hahaha, oh man. Hawkeye asks Thor why Captain America didn’t let the other Avengers know first. Thor shushes him.

“For over two hundred years, we have taught our children that our country has successfully defended its shores against all hostile strikes. We are mistaken. We have been the victims of a massive alien invasion…of horrifying proportion!”

And everyone — the people present, the viewers at home — listen SHOCKED at this news! This…actually, true news, right? Skrulls aren’t of this earth, right?

And Skrull-Cap continues, basically telling them all about…Skrulls. “They have taken our places…disguised themselves as our kind…and now they lie in hiding. Lie in wait.”

Skrull-Congressman and Skrull-Reporter give each other dumb looks. Like this: BUHUHGHH. They seem confused that Skrull-Cap is literally telling the truth.

Skrull-Cap’s eyes are red now. “The truth is this: One out of every twenty people in America is secretly a Skrull — including those two directly before us!”

And the confused Skrull lackeys, they assume their normal forms on cue while verbally asking themselves if this is what their Skrull leader wanted?

And then the crowd is angry and scared! They start whackin’ them with their campaign signs. lol again! The two skrull pull out their guns and start firing. Another lol! Now the secret service starts firing back! Too many lols here, guys!

They’re comin’ right for us!!

And now everyone’s split on what to believe. Half the country is like “is he fucking joking?” and the other half is like “shaddup, he’s serious”.

Panic begins to ensue. I can feel it here, in 2022, on my couch! It’s tangible.

Bruce Lee just wants to do his laundry like everyone else.

“They could be anywhere…and anyone. Anyone who is different. Who looks out of place. Who isn’t like you…they are the enemy.” Skrull-Cap finishes. And a group at a laundromat stares menacingly at a man who is clearly of Asian descent.

“Arm yourselves! Strike before it’s –” and then he sees the real Captain America running into the studio. Oh snap, son. It was fun while it lasted!

Skrull-Cap assumes normal form and ambushes Captain America. He tells him it’s too late to stop him. A group in the hallway sees Captain America and Skrull together, and the group eggs Cap’n on to tear that bitch-ass up! Cap’n, not having heard any of the report, asks what the HELL they’re talking about when they say “God, they’re EVERYWHERE!”, and Skrull assures him that he’ll find out soon enough.

The skrull then turns into, like, a pterodactyl, and then it says this little number that probably had Mark Waid giggling out of his Thursday underwear: “Don’t hit me. If I wanted to be touched by a human…I’d give Posh Spice a call!” High five, brother.

I pooped the bed?! NO!

A normal looking dude in a normal looking suit starts shooting at them with a semi-automatic rifle. A camera guy tells him to cut it out, he almost hit Captain America! The normal looking dude is frothing, says that Cap’n wants help taking out the Skrull, but if the camera guy wants him to stop then maybe he’s a Skrull too! And then he fucking starts shooting his gun in that direction too.

Cap’n blocks these rounds with his shield, lifts the guy by his scruff and demands to know what he’s talking about, since, you know, the real Cap’n has trouble with these tough logic problems. Puttin’ two and two together and all. Mr. Suit tells him what happened, and Cap is LIVID! MAD! USA USA! USA! USA USA! USAUSAUSA!

He turns to fight Skrull-Pterodactyl, but he’s leaving. His work is done. “Take a look, Captain. See what the people of America are willing to do in your name.”

We are treated to a full-page spread of crashed cars, rioting, looting, burning buildings, violence, and destruction.

America is united and people are mobilized across the country for the cause. They couldn’t be prouder of their hero.

Final Thoughts

I have three things to say:

1) America is stupid. It was true in 1998. It was true in 1963. It was true in 1922. It was true in 1855. It was true in 1776. And it’s true now. And it always will be. They hit the nail on the head here with this series, and I’m not entirely sure it was meant to come across that way.

2) This story is finally paying off after quite a few issues of hesitation on my end that there was going to be any semblance of depth to the writing. It ain’t perfect, but it’s ending up way better than I thought it was going to be. Dare I say, it’s actually clever. The turning point definitely happened after moving away from Hydra as the Big Bad. That shit was rank.

3) Sporty Spice all the way. Fight me.