Frank Zappa, Dmitri Shostakovich – It’s Cold Outside, Goddamnit

It’s cold and dreary in Chicago now. The sun goes down at 4pm and everyone around here is going to be miserable and crabby until June — present company most definitely included. So, I’m going to drown out my sorrows with music. You know, for a change.

Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa

You’ve angered the Bert-and-Ernie-shirt-wearing conductor! Allegro! Always allegro, motherfuckers!

I write about Zappa a lot, I think. If I actually don’t, then maybe I just think about writing about Zappa a lot. He is, and always will be, my favorite musician of all time…even if I may have outgrew some of what I liked about him in the first place: mostly the sneery asshole “everything is a joke to ridicule” mentality. I still admire his work ethic, his lack of fear or self-doubt to make what he wanted to make (even if a lot of it didn’t land), and some of his social/political commentary. Most of it didn’t age very well, but what really has since the ’60s and ’70s?

When I was 18 years old, I went through a phase where Zappa was literally the only thing I listened to. This was still the pre-streaming days where you either bought physical copies of albums (which I did) or buy the digital versions on iTunes (which I refused). I spent a lot of money on Zappa albums. Money I probably should have saved for other things at the time, but who cares? I have no regrets! I know the ins and outs of his catalogue fairly intimately, and 16 years later I’m still pretty grateful that I spent all those hours listening to his 700 albums.

Around this time of year I get the urge to binge through a handful of Zappa albums again. Perhaps it’s the weather, perhaps this was just the time of year that my Zappa obsession was at its most feverish, but it’s a good way to revisit and lock-in on some of my late teenage years for a brief spell. Plus, posthumous albums have been released consistently since his death in 1993. There’s always something sorta new to dig into. By the end of the year, the Zappa Family Trust is releasing 50th anniversary super deluxe boxset edition of the 200 Motels album, comprising of six discs, that’s chock full of alternate/unused takes, bonus audio footage, basic tracks, and rehearsals.

I don’t even like the 200 Motels album that much! But I’m a sucker for this shit, so I’m looking forward to it anyway.

Dmitri Shostakovich

Dmitri Shostakovich

Russian composer Dmitri “Harry Potter” Shostakovich finally escaped from under the stairs…but at what cost? At what cost?

I played trumpet in various concert/symphonic classes in high school and college (plus marching band), and although I didn’t like playing trumpet that much — I didn’t like playing it all, actually — it fostered in me an innate appreciation for classical and jazz music.

HOWEVER, just because I appreciate classical music it doesn’t mean it’s always fun to listen to! Some of it is downright dull. I’m still trying to enjoy guys like Franz Schubert, Felix Mendelssohn, even Bach. Bleh, I say! But there’s one guy who always manages to TURN ME ON, as they say, and that’s Shostakovich. He’s in the sweet spot: not old enough to be completely dusty and boring, not recent enough to be mired in non-melodic avant-garde contemporary classical sensibilities. Like other Russian composers, there’s a hard edge to his sound that reminds me of the tension that I enjoy out of my rock music. Unlike his other Russian contemporaries — Prokofiev, Stravinsky, Rachmaninoff — Shostakovich never left the country. He just stayed during the Soviet uprising, being treated like shit for most of his life by the government. It’s fascinating, and you can tell he channelled this sadness and anger into his compositions. It’s like, fucking escape, man. Rachmaninoff went to New York City, for God’s sake. Rachmaninoff bought a new car every two years!

Shostakovich’s body of work is impressive and satisfying. I particularly enjoy his String Quartet’s Nos. 3 and 8, his Symphony No. 9, and both his Piano Concertos. But he’s pretty consistent. Don’t sleep on Shostakovich! He may have died in 1975, but he still slaps! He’ll make a resurgence here in the 2020s, you heard it here first!

Other Quick Thoughts

Franklin Zoo

This is what a heavy metal band who names themselves “Franklin Zoo” looks like. I think the lead singer is going to try to thwart Superman.

-One month of 2021 left. Still a million new albums I haven’t listened to yet. Publications are gonna start dropping their lists, and most of them will just have the same 15 albums rearranged in a slightly different order near the top! I’m expecting to have mine done at the very end of December, maybe even the very beginning of January. And then the cycle starts anew! My favorite time of year…if only Christmas didn’t get in the way of all the festivities. Stupid holiday…

-This time of year I also tend to binge on all the new metal releases I can squeeze in before I never listen to any of them ever again! It’s tradition, after all. Some good ones to laud before they start collecting dust in 2022 are releases by 1914, Sunless, Ars Magna Umbrae, First Fragment, The Silver, Replicant, and Franklin Zoo. I guarantee that I’ll forget any of these were even bands in a few months, but thems the breaks!

-I hate math rock so much. Well, certain kinds of math rock. The kinds of math rock that emerged from the emo side of rock and punk music is what I’m talking about. I recognize that there’s a certain unavoidable emotional sterility when you base your band’s entire sound around technicality and gymnastics with time-signatures, but bands like This Town Needs Guns and American Football overcompensate by being cloyingly precious and wimpy. And I can stand wimpy sometimes, but bands like these…they’re, like, aggressively wimpy! Makes my blood boil! Grr!

That’s it for this edition of…*squints*…”AudioBiography”?? That’s a stupid name, who greenlit that?


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Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Matter of Trust”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Born to Kill storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “Matter of Trust”! In the previous installment, Robin starts gallivanting alone around Gotham City during nighttime, against Daddy Bruce’s wishes of course. During a routine mugging in which Robin brutally beats the assailants (and I’m just not saying that–it’s pretty fucked up), Morgan pops in with an air of admiration about the boy’s psychotic, sociopathic behavior! However, Batman swoops in to ruin the fun. It doesn’t work very well, since now both Batman and Robin are caught and now they’re going to see Morgan’s movie Clockwork Orange-style at an abandoned drive-in theater.

That’s about all I have to say about that! I hope it’s a good movie. Methinks something from the ‘90s, perhaps, starring George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell??…

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Matter of Trust”

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Bah, not the movie I suggested! That would’ve been way more torturous! Oh well. Morgan instead shows them a montage of Gotham City’s favorite villains that we all know and love: Joker, Two-Face, uhhh, red-haired lady…masked person…

Morgan asks why bother with this song-and-dance of sending these maniacs to jail instead of just murdering them on the spot? What’s the point? They’re just going to come out and be bad again! Doesn’t Bruce read comic books? There have been about 40 million issues of some sort of Batman-related villain plot and not ONCE has Batman decided to pull out his giant Batman Gun and shoot someone in the fucking throat? I agree with Morgan here, shoot some of these fuckers into the sun! TEXAS JUSTICE! YEE-HAW!

“There’ll always be monsters, but I don’t have to become one to fight them.” Batman retorts, pointing out that there is clearly more to this than just “monster hunting” on Morgan’s part. Morgan disagrees, claiming that the other “actual” villains give themselves colorful names “Batman” (he actually puts quotes around Batman like a real boomer, implying that “Batman” himself is also a villain. See, I’m paying attention!), and Morgan is simply Nobody. Or rather, NoBody, which has more flair than Nobody so, therefore, it’s more colorful. But, hey, a man is no one! Someone joined the Faceless Men of Braavos lately!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Do you want your kid to be a psychotic, unempathetic mass killer? Or do you want him to be some sort of FAILURE?

At this point there’s a lot of back-and-forth with Morgan going “you’re an idiot” and Batman going “I won’t stoop to your level” and Morgan going “but your son!” and Batman going “but my son!”. I’m predicting at this point that Morgan may attempt to lure Damian into being his son so he can nurture his psychopathic side, which I think would be better for everyone! But Batman doesn’t want that for some reason. Morgan NoBody is simply crestfallen that his effort to talk some sense into Batman has fallen short of success. He drops the name Ducard, who sounded like some sort of mentor to the both of them back in the day.

Ducard was big into murdering and killing, and since Bruce wasn’t a big fan at all of the murdering or the killing, he tried walking away. And Morgan started targeting him. And, all these years later, it’s still happening because Morgan doesn’t have a Netflix subscription or anything so that he can stay home and hang out on a weekday night instead. So now Morgan wants to kill Batman before he can taint Robin with his shitty parenting. Robin seems slightly sad about this. “Don’t worry,” Morgan says, “in time he’ll also become a nobody.” Too late! He’s way ahead of you there. Just wait until puberty, he’ll be too busy jerking off to do anything.

“Any last words, Bruce?” asks Morgan NoBody. “Yeah. Lock and load, Alfred.” And then Morgan NoBody gets conveniently gunned down by a giant remote-controlled toy airplane shooting rubber bullets. Alfred is controlling the thing from the Batcave, playing Galaga with his five-monitor setup. Nerd alert!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Alfred had to drop out of Butler University for playing too much World of Warcraft.

Morgan NoBody scoffs that even now Batman can’t kill anyone, and he scurries away avoiding more bullets. Batman and Robin pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and grapple onto the Batplane. They are whisked away just as NoBody accidentally fires bullets into gas tanks of the abandoned cars in the theater, blowing everything the fuck up. Robin thinks he’s dead, but Batman knows that he’s likely already plotting his next move…

Back at the Batcave, Alfred the Butler / Chessmaster / Fighter Pilot / and now Health Professional, is tending to Bruce’s many wounds. Bruce is finding it hard not to scold the little pissant, but reminds him of the main things he expects of him: 1) eat your vegetables, 2) do good in school, 3) listen to everything Bruce says, 4) prance around in your sexy uniform once in a while for daddy, 5) prance around for Alfred too. I’m serious, those last two are in there, I just, uh, I don’t need to prove anything to you.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Face it, pops, you’re a shitty father. I’m too smart for you. I wanna go live with the Turpin family, they seem nicer.

The two argue about respect and trust, with Damian making some pretty salient points about Bruce’s lack of trust and respect on his end. Bruce argues that Damian has two dead bodies on his hands because he went out alone, and he could have easily been the third. Damian snipes back with “FUCK YOU, DAD! EVERYTHING WAS FUCKING FINE UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP, BITCH! I DEMAND EMANCIPATION! RAWR!” Bruce insists that Damian can’t leave the house without his explicit permission. Damian, like most children, was trained by the League of Assassins when he was three years old and should be able to leave the house wherever he wants!

Mother Alfred has had his fill and tells the two of them to stop fighting. Damian wants to know why this NoBody fellow knows who the both of them are, and Bruce launches into some juicy backstory! Oh boy, grab the popcorn! Wait, this is boring! I want to see more father and son relationship drama! Oh well! NoBody is Morgan Ducard, son of Henri Ducard, one of Bruce Wayne’s six (!) trainers. Henri Ducard was really good at finding really bad criminals, and he was world renowned for his ability to find really bad criminals who didn’t want to be found. This stuff sure is boring, but an arms-akimbo Damian literally says “I’m all ears.” while Bruce relays all this information.

Funnily enough, at the first sign that Damian shows interest, Bruce shoots him down! “When did he turn into NoBody?” the kid asks. “It’s NOT a story I can share with you right now.” Bruce says, as if there weren’t plenty of pages left in this issue to answer Damian’s fucking question. Understandably, the child is pissed off again and storms off in a haughty huff. “It’s like I said before, even your secrets have secrets, and if leading by example’s part of your plan, then good luck.”

Alfred “Mother Goose” Butlerman tells Bruce that, maybe, he should just start answering the kid’s questions. “It may confuse him more, Alfred.” Bruce sure has an excuse for everything. Alfred, of course, disagrees, and tells Bruce that his own son saw him get his ass kicked today. That shit sticks with a 10-year-old!

Damian is at the graveyard visiting Bruce’s dead parents. “Your son’s an ass.” he tells the headstones. looool

Damian crushes a firefly between his fingers and decides to start bonding with his new dog, whom he names Titus. NoBody emerges from the shadows and tells Damian that he intends to teach him everything that he knows, he promises not to hold back, as long as Damian does the same.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Red pill, blue pill, blah blah blah.

Sounds like Damian’s got a new dad!

Final Thoughts

Sounds like Damian’s got a new dad! Whoops, I already said that. Looks like Damian’s going to the dark side for an issue or two, he’ll learn the error of his ways, he’ll come crawling right back to Bruce crying about how wrong he was, Bruce will jab him with an I-Told-You-So before they decide to team up as a real team and fight this villain. Respect will be earned both ways.

Or not. Who knows. Maybe the X-Men will crawl out of the ground and start stabbing people instead!


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Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “The Devil’s Divested”

* Part 6 of 8 of the Guardian Devil storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 (Legacy Issue #386) – “The Devil’s Divested”! And happy fucking Thanksgiving to, like, America. A country I’m in right now! I’m probably eating turkey at this very moment. Like, a lot of turkey. Anyway, things are starting to get good with this Daredevil schlock, so strap in! In the previous installment, Daredevil enlists Dr. Strange’s help in determining if the antichrist is real or not, and discovers that the cross he’s been carrying has been laced with a hallucinogenic that activates whenever anyone implies that the baby is NOT the antichrist! So there’s that. There was also the matter of Bullseye completely destroying a church and killing some nuns and taking a baby. There’s that too. Plus, Bullseye kills Karen Page! So there’s that as well. And now the aftermath.

Oh wait, first I’d like to remind everyone of a tidbit I found interesting from the previous issue that I don’t want to forget mentioning again: a newspaper showed a photo of Macabes with a headline that said “One time ‘Creature Feature King’ John Curtain found murdered in Hollywood home”. So keep that one in your back pocket as well.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 (Legacy Issue #386) [April, 1999]
Written by: Kevin Smith
“The Devil’s Divested”

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

“Six nuns and five indigents were found dead in a Clinton Mission Shelter in what has been described as the worst hate-crime in the nation’s history.” Ha! Nowadays, this nation tops that on a weekly basis. Also, interestingly enough, this issue came out in April, 1999, the same month as the Columbine High School massacre, which has now quite literally set the groundwork for every other mass shooting in America since. But I digress…

The newspaper singles out Karen Page as a casualty, and points out the perplexing nature of her presence at the church in the first place. The story also draws a connection to the massacre at the maternity word from the beginning of Issue #1 that I completely forgot about until just now!

Murdock is in a bad place right now! I wonder why? Anyway, he’s sitting hunched on the floor holding his wounded arm amidst the debris of used cigarettes, wound dressings, blood, Karen’s belongings, and the newspaper. He puts a gun to his head and we jump to a flashback.

Karen is scolding Murdock for wanting to put on his tights and play superhero. “BUT THE KINGPIN, BLUHBLUHBLUH” he argues. After a back-and-forth about why the cops should handle it, that the Kingpin owns the cops, and that the Kingpin doesn’t own ALL the cops, Karen gives up and tells him that she can’t make him stay home even though it’s his birthday and even though one should call in sick once in a while and even though there’s sexy times in store for him yada yada blah. He listens to her.

Now she’s gone! Who’s he going to listen to now? His dick? Alas! His dick is sad too! And he takes his anger out on the poor lamp, and the poor statue, and the poor window, and the poor potted plant, among other fragile objects in the room. He’s just punching and kicking and throwing and screaming! Sounds sexy on paper, but I assure you it’s not. The man is grieving, have you no heart? For shame!

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

Yeah, put it down. Get a shotgun, pussy. Go out like Kobain.

Uh oh, more flashback memories already. He ran out of things to break, though. After some possibly heated sexy-time fuck time, Karen asks him when he’s going to give up the superhero schtick. “When we have a baby” he decides. He’s always thought this, which reassures Karen. But then she tells him not to quit even then. The world needs people like him, and she feels safer in the world knowing people like him are out there.

She tells him to never stop, no matter what. No matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what!

No matter what?

No. Matter. What.

So current-day Murdock lets this sink in, and he puts down the gun. For now.

Macabes is on the other side of town preparing for Daredevil’s eventual arrival.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

“So I shh-ays to him, I shh-ays, hey you. YEAHHEYYOU. I shh-ays, ahhhhhh. You don’t- I got-…I got-…zzzzzzz”

Meanwhile, at a bar called Ennis’ Tavern, a table of drunks are swappin’ stories. One claims to have killed Daredevil, and starts making shit up like that one kid in high school whose uncle worked for Nintendo. Pokemon Turquoise my left foot, Danny! The drunkard says he tied Daredevil to his giant dinosaur and starts tearing into him with a knife. Just eviscerating and gutting him like a dang fish! “This is for all my peeps you ever put away!” I tells ya!

The rest of his table spots Daredevil and clears out immediately. This drunk guy, Turk, doesn’t realize what’s happening until Daredevil grabs the sumbitch. Up on the roof of the high-rise, Daredevil dangles Turk over the edge and asks for some answers on Bullseye’s whereabouts. “I DON’ KNOW NOTHIN’ ‘BOUT NO BULLSEYE!” screams Turk, oddly fearing for his life. But, we all know how this story goes, ladies and gentleman! Daredevil’s going to loosen his grip and then it’s AAAHHHH OK I’LL TALK I’LL TALK!! They always talk. This guy talks too! He does claim that Bullseye left town. When asked who hired Bullseye, Turk panickedly tells Daredevil that some old rich guy did. An old rich guy who wants Daredevil’s brand new baby! He then directs him to the old rich guy’s building “where all the heavy-hitters are meeting tonight”. Everyone except poor ol’ Turk, that is. Turk wasn’t allowed to heavy-hit tonight. Satisfied, Daredevil leaves him dangling on a storm drain and bolts off to Macabes’ place.

OK, so it’s Christmas time. Did I know that already? There’s a big tree in the lobby of the building. Wasn’t Karen Page sitting outside in an autumn-painted park landscape one issue ago? What the hell, man. Daredevil is standing outside, and Macabes is waiting for him in his fancy CSI multi-screen command center and he looks like the general from Beetle Bailey! I just realized this! Macabes directs his men to their stations, and he tells the guy at the front desk to “shoot to wound only”.

Daredevil, with his super powerful dogboy hearing, picked up every word and is ready. He shoots his Daredevil Stick through the window, beans him right in the forehead knocking the gun out of Front Desk Guy’s hand, and the stick bounces back into Daredevil’s hand with a “FAP”. FAP FAP FAP FAP. Just like that. Daredevil strolls into the building.

A swarm of nunchuck-wielding red ninjas starts attacking! Ha ha ha! What! “You’ll have to do better than this, Macabes” says Daredevil only 17 seconds after taking out his opponents. He strolls deeper into the building. Macabes instructs his lap dog, Mr. Gabriel, to prepare himself. Macabes presses a button on his console that says “WHITE NOISE”. It starts playing Yoko Ono! Just kidding, it starts playing white noise. Gotcha!

Daredevil tries to climb the elevator shaft with a wounded arm. It doesn’t really work very well. The white noise renders him disabled, so I’m sure he’s having an all-around groovy time right now. Macabes speaks out loud: “You would take on the powers of Hell to rescue a whelp you’re not even sure is still alive? There are easier ways to atone for one’s transgressions, you know.” He presses a button on his console that says “HELL”. It starts playing Yoko Ono!

Anyway, somehow, the elevator takes him down fifty floors below ground level where Hell is located, apparently, directly below Macabes’ building. He hears the constant howls of the damned, and eventually hears Karen Page.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

Even in Hell she’s a Karen.

“YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU SENT ME HERE! HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME IN THIS PLACE?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!” Karen screeches from the depths of the fiery inferno, clawing at Daredevil with her cool-ass eight Hell-hands. She’s become a Hell Octopus! A Hell Octopus with a snake tongue! “Wait a second…” Daredevil pauses, figuring out that he can hear the thing’s heartbeat. At that moment, an elevator door opens and that one guy pulls him up out of the Hellish vortex. He showed up a few issues ago, let me check my notes…

…Sparky! I mean, Baal. Remember Baal? The big demon guy wearing the black sweater and the grey Levi’s with a black belt? He claims that he’s Daredevil’s guardian angel, and Daredevil is like “whuh”. Now Daredevil and Baal are teaming up to stop the evil Macabes! Cue the ‘70s action music.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

That’s right, try to swindle God Boy over here with your divinity. Nice sweater.

Baal confirms that the baby is still alive, but Macabes can’t kill it until midnight “when a demon’s powers are at their apex”. So just midnight in Eastern Standard Time, then? Because midnights happen constantly all over the world. Once the baby is dead, an apocalypse will commence, and that’s not fun for anyone! I think I read about this mythology in Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens, but I stayed for the funny jokes. That reminds me, I should read some Neil Gaiman comics some day.

Daredevil isn’t really listening to Baal talk; he’s too preoccupied by the piece of fabric he tore off of the Karen Page vision in the Hell Elevator. The Hellevator! He recognizes the scent of the fabric, but before he can pinpoint it he starts picking up a high-frequency transmission. As a squadron of these Robocop-looking motherfuckers start attacking, Daredevil is realizing that it’s all starting to come together. All the pieces are falling into place. And I’m glad it is for him, because I don’t know what the FUCK is going on! I hope Foggy is ok somewhere!

While Baal fights, Daredevil just kind of stares…uh…blindly. “I pray I’m wrong” he says as he keeps ruminating, but, in my experience, people in stories who pray they’re wrong are usually right. Once they finish taking out the Robocops, Daredevil suddenly knocks Baal on his ass as well. And I feel bad for the guy.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [#386]

Homeboy done got sucker punched!

“I find the nerve cluster in the solar plexus of this ‘guardian angel’ and squeeze.” thinks Daredevil. Holy shit dude, calm down! That sounds gross, don’t do that! He squeezes within an inch of Baal’s life and he’s out cold. He remembers his first encounter with Baal in the sensory deprivation room with the angelic shrieking. He was also still hallucinating at the time. He feels like a fool for not noticing it before, but he lets himself off the hook for being, you know, hopped up on goofballs! He tears into him and discovers nothing more than an elaborate robotic costume worn by none other than DRUMROLL PLEASE brbdbrbdbrbdbrbdbbrbrbbdbr bdbdbdbdbd brbbdbrbdbrbr BRBDBRBDBRBBDBDBRB bdbdbdbdb brbdbdbrbdbdbrdb brbdbrbd brrbrbdbbrbbdbrrbbd brbBRBDBRBRBDBRrbrbrbdbrbrdbbdbrbrr BRBDBBRDBRB RBBBD BRBDBBRBR BRBRBRBRBRBDDBRBRB brbdbrbBRRBDbrbdbrbdBRDBR brbdbrdb MR. GABRIEL! “You better pray, whoever you are, you better pray that baby’s still alive.” he threatens with the most inhuman grimace I’ve seen so far in this comic book full of inhuman grimaces.

Daredevil races up a stairwell following the excited, labored breathing of someone who thinks he’s winning. He makes his way near Macabes’ command center, but he still can’t find him. Macabes launches into his Big Bad monologue, which is helping Daredevil find him more easily. He pinpoints the source and launches his Daredevil Stick into a window. The window looks like it faces the outdoors, but guess what! Command center! Command center right behind the fake building window!

“Show yourself.” Daredevil commands his foe. And a swirl of pink fog starts stirring up in the room.

“First rule of showbiz, my sightless friend…regardless of the size of your audience…always make an entrance boy…Always make an entrance!”

And it’s revealed to be…some guy in green clothes, yellow gloves, purple cape, face covered by a purple scarf, and some sort of white dome head!

Wow! What a reveal!

I have no fucking idea.

Final Thoughts

All right, so the mystery of Dead Macabes is revealed. Some trickster type entity that I’ll learn about in Issue #7 stole a dead man’s face. So there’s that, good for him.

This villain is obviously still playing with Murdock’s head, what with the Hellevator and, like, the demon costume guy.

I still don’t know what his game is. Is this baby a real antichrist? The good guys are always losing the antichrist! Put a bell on it.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone :turkey


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Thy Catafalque, Foxing, and Crumb

Still over a month to go and list season is already upon us, with Album of the Year features already dropped for publications like Rough Trade and Decibel, among a few others.

Personally, I look forward to the lists by The Quietus, BrooklynVegan, Kerrang!, Pitchfork, Loud and Quiet, Louder Than War, Stereogum, Anthony Fantano, The Line of Best Fit, and Gorilla vs. Bear. And many others I’m sure.

RIP Tiny Mix Tapes.

Thy Catafalque – Vadak
(June 25, 2021)

Thy Catafalque - Vadak

A lot of black metal acts seem to pivot quickly to something entirely different than black metal. You never see it the other way around. It’s not like Adele or Taylor Swift are going to suddenly start shrieking through lo-fi static, recording all their tracks in an isolated cabin in northern Norway. So why do some black metal bands throw a big “fuck this” and branch out? Were their early ambitions purely performative?

I’m just rambling, as usual. Thy Catafalque is a Hungarian outfit that is considered “avant-garde metal” simply because they started playing black metal, and now they mostly play other things. I think that genre appellation a misnomer, because albums like Vadak are as accessible as it gets for something this niche. Think progressive metal in the vein of Porcupine Tree, only less moody! There’s also lots, LOTS, of traditional metal and speed metal riffage. Also, plenty of minor key stuff that would please the average, say, Iron Maiden fan who might accidentally be listening to this! Honest! Actually, a lot of this sounds like Buckethead at his most ferociously focused. What the average metal fan won’t like is the atmospheric electronica. This is where the Porcupine Tree comparison is really apt, because most of the tracks are awash in the space-y new age stylings of mid-late ’70s Tangerine Dream (aka Steven Wilson’s other wet dream band after Pink Floyd). I love it! I wish more metal bands did that kind of trance krautrock; it usually melds well.

Vadak is a real melting pot of styles. Track 2, “Köszöntsd a hajnalt”, has some, I don’t know, synth accordion? I’m heavily reminded of the really folky dance-folk metal like Eluveitie where they have lutes and wooden flutes and cavort around like Legend of Zelda fairies. “Gömböc” sounds like a guest spot by Venetian Snares, with crazy breakbeats and pulsing electronics (plus Middle-Eastern guitar flourishes). “A kupolaváros titka” has a motherfucking Kenny G smooth sax passage! There’s not much in the way of vocals throughout, but what you get is either typical black metal guttural shrieking, typical epic doom metal clean male vocals, or soft and folky spoken word female vocals.

If you’re looking mainly for a metal album, don’t listen to this, you’ll hate it. If you like progressive/experimental rock, and you’re not afraid to venture into the highly technical or extreme territory, this is really good shit. Check out the other Thy Catafalque albums too, they’re very consistent.

Early Verdict:

Foxing – Draw Down the Moon
(August 6, 2021)

Foxing - Draw Down the Moon

Foxing is a band of unassuming, beardy white guys from St. Louis. As far as what I’ve heard from them, which isn’t much, they play unassuming, beardy white guy indie rock music. The lead singer is a beardy, white guy who sometimes sounds like the guy from TV on the Radio, sometimes the guy from Vampire Weekend, sometimes the guy from Muse, and sometimes that dead guy Elliott Smith. Your beardy, white guy friend from high school will like this album a lot.

What we have here is bare-bones indie rock structured like jaunty pop songs that crescendo into powerful, hooky choruses that repeat enough to really needle into your brain. At least the first half of Draw Down the Moon is like that. The second half shifts gears into wistful, folky sadcore emo ballads. It’s all very by the book, and it’s all stuff you already heard 15 years ago.

That being said, this album is fine. Fine is the highest compliment I’m willing to give it. The power pop hooks do the job, especially on “Bialystok” which contains the album’s strongest melody (“Oh, without you/I feel so homesick everywhere I go!“). The melodrama of stuff like “At Least We Found the Floor” doesn’t land for me, though, catchy as it may be. The wistful acoustic strumming and doleful, hopeless lyrics sound like suburbanites trying to write a sad, bluesy tune from the college dorm before poli-sci class. “Oh God, he’s everywhere I go/He’s in my head like a metronome/Clicking inside my brain/So I can’t find tempo without a little bit of pain“, yeah, give me a break, nerds.

The zeitgeist of 2005 would welcome Draw Down the Moon with open arms. If I had just discovered this album now, and it was actually FROM 2005, I’d like it much, much more in that context. In 2021, the album feels like a complete self-unaware anachronism. Like, who is this album for? Aging 30-somethings who are falling in the trap of “today’s music isn’t as good as the music in my day”?

Early Verdict:

Crumb – Ice Melt
(April 30, 2021)

Crumb - Ice Melt

Crumb is a NYC-based indie dream pop band that, to my ears, sounds like a cross between Beach House and Yo La Tengo. I guess, in a nutshell, that means it has better melodies than Beach House, but worse melodies than Yo La Tengo! In that sense, it does its job. I’m not a Beach House fan, so that’s an amazing start already.

I don’t remember how Crumb got on my radar. To me, they exist in a world of their own right now, independent from associated acts, similar contemporaries, or even widespread publication recognition. The overall sound of Ice Melt is calm, pastoral and sunshiny, but deeply melancholy. There are occasional psychedelic electronic effects, or an occasional scratchy guitar, but it mainly sticks with undistorted indie pop. The band has a drummer, but I find his real contribution dubious. This sounds too crisp and mechanical, like a drum machine. “Jonathan Gilad” is the name of your drum machine, Crumb. Own up to it.

This music is very agreeable, treading dangerously close to easy-listening. I’m reminded of the less abrasive ’90s Elephant 6 collective groups like the Apples in Stereo or Beulah, while the slower-paced lounge haziness brings to mind Stereolab or Broadcast. I don’t think Crumb is as good as any of those bands for the melodies alone. They’re not strong enough to keep me coming back for more. Perhaps it’s not the “point” of the band, considering the laconic vocal delivery and hopelessly sad subject matter, but the small handful of really good bits leaves me wanting. “Trophy” is the best song, Ice Melt‘s single most memorable melody and the first one in the track list where a deliciously groovy bassline is busted out. Then there’s the end of “Tunnel (All That You Had)”, which presents a minor-key coda that repeats an off-putting and spiraling riff, the most intense minute of the album that briefly brings you out of the dream and into the nightmare. I wish that went on longer. Or that there was more of that particular sound.

I can’t complain too hard though. The band has potential; I won’t sleep on Crumb when they put out their third album.

Early Verdict:


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Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Knightmoves”

* Part 3 of 8 of the Born to Kill storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Knightmoves”! In the previous installment, Alfred is very concerned about Bruce’s fathering because he’s noticing little Damian is crushing bats to death with his bare hands, among other things. I personally think this kid is rad as hell.

Batman takes Robin to intercept a gun-running operation, leaving the gun-runners to hang for the police to snatch up. However, the guy who killed Russian Batman kills these gun-runners instead before the cops show up. We find out that this guy is named Morgan, and he’s quite unhappy with the way Bruce has been promoting his Batman brand around the world. I guess there’s some sort of mission that Morgan thinks Bruce is failing at, and he gives him a warning to cut it out! But we all know Bruce Wayne, he will never cut it out.

I hope Damian throws a TV dinner at Bruce’s head while they watch American Ninja Warrior.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Knightmoves”

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Bruce Wayne brought the dog home! “Seems the dane wants your attention, Damian” Alfred tells him, hoping to elicit a positive response from the troubled boy. “He’s been a constant nuisance since he arrived,” our favorite grumpy 10-year-old grumpily grumbles back. They’re both playing chess. Alfred tells Damian that this particular chess set has been in the Wayne family for over 200 years, and Damian quips that it’s almost as old as Alfred! I laughed at that! I think this kid is all right!

Bruce Wayne is scouring the perimeter of the manor, obviously a little spooked by the encounter with Morgan as he was picking up the dog. He’s perched like a fucking gargoyle on top of an actual gargoyle, garbed up like Batman with a ratty looking cape. Alfred and Damian’s chess game is an obvious metaphor. I’ve seen HBO’s The Wire! Although, that was about drug dealing, and this is just about watching your own back. “In this game you always need to be in four places at once–” says Alfred. Damian looks absolutely miserable in every panel. He’s cocky as hell about the game, but then Alfred puts the kid in checkmate and he loses his mind about it. I laughed at that too!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Go to hell, Bobby Fischer! We can’t all take 40 credits of Chess Lab at Butler University!

Finished with his surveillance, Bruce enters the room and puts the chess piece back on the board. He says he has outfitted all the gargoyles with human detection radar and other paranoia-induced implements. Damian is looking forward to finally tagging along on patrol after being SHOVED OUT for two nights in a row, but Bruce is SHOVING HIM OUT again for a third night. Damian asks him what the FUCK has gotten him so shaken up, and Bruce lets him know that he still needs to get a full picture of the threat. Until then, Opie is staying home!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Alfred/Bruce custody battle coming up soon. I’ll keep you all posted.

Bruce tells Damian to shut the fuck up and give the dog a name. Damian doesn’t even want a dog in the first place! He wants to patrol! He wants to beat up some bad guys! Bang bang shoot-em-up cops and robbers! Yeehaw!! The dog, Bruce explains, is a reward for showing a commendable amount of self-control. “Keep at it” he says to the boy, and departs.

Damian is all “screw THIS” and begins to don his Robin clothes. Alfred, alarmed, instructs Damian to honor his father’s wishes and stay home. Damian is all “screw THAT” and gets on his big-boy bike. He notices the bug that Alfred placed on the bike, flicks it off, tells him not to give up his day job, and speeds off. We see that there’s also a bug placed on Robin’s cape. “Don’t worry, Damian, I won’t” Alfred says, with a stern John Cleese face.

Out on the mean streets of Gotham City, a mugging is in process! I’m sure, at any given moment in Gotham City, 900 muggings are in process! But this particular mugging is the one that will be addressed. The male individual of the wealthy couple has just emptied his bank account at the ATM, but the two thugs aren’t satisfied! They want to be violent too! But then Robin swoops in to save the day! Before one of the thugs can even say a second sentence to ridicule the 10-year-old, Robin smashes the guy’s cellphone into his fucking face.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Durability, my ass! Steve Jobs is rolling in his grave right now.

The other guy, Robin kicks his knife-holding arm causing him to stab himself in the shoulder pretty badly. Robin rips the knife out of his arm while Thug #1 shoots about 40 bullets into his crime buddy. Robin throws the knife right through Thug #1’s shootin’ wrist. Then he starts pummelling the everloving shit out of his face. “I’m sure you didn’t leave your hole tonight thinking you’d get your ass kicked by a ten-year-old!” he yells as he brutally ruins the guy with his fists. This is all actually pretty graphic and disturbing! Little Robin is nuttier than pecan pie!

Morgan shows up to the scene dressed in his alter-ego outfit. I don’t think I know his villain name yet. “Finish him, Damian.” he instructs. Robin is taken aback and figures out right away that THIS is the guy that Bruce didn’t want Robin bumping into, especially not alone. Oops! Morgan observes, with an air of respect, that Robin has punched this guy completely braindead. Morgan delivers a finishing blow to the guy’s neck.

Robin is outraged: “THAT’S COLD-BLOODED MURDER!” he screams at him, as if he didn’t just supply his own version of a completely unbalanced punishment. “You’ve opened my eyes,” says Morgan, “given me a glimpse of Gotham’s future once I burn Batman Incorporated to the ground.” Morgan knocks Robin down on his back and then starts to imply that he’d like him to work for him, but then Batman shows up to ruin everything! Possibly because Alfred bugged Robin, Batman was able to find out where the little twerp was at any given moment! Which means it took him too long to show up! Maybe Batman stopped for ice cream.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Scream for me, Bruce. Scream all night long.

Batman and Morgan, they both go at each other, they stomp and smash and bash and crash and slash and bust and burn! They take turns kicking each others’ asses for a few pages, but then Morgan turns on some sort of sound machine from his palms that pushes Batman into traffic! He gets hit by a car!

Finally, Batman and Robin wake up disoriented and strapped to an abandoned car in an abandoned drive-in theater. Morgan is going to show them a movie!

Final Thoughts

Classic storyline here.

“I just want you to love me, Dad!”
“No.”
“My angsty disposition is the direct result of your shoddy parenting!”
“And?”
“And I’m going to start being deliberately stubborn and insubordinate! Time to go out alone and get myself in a pickle.”
“Son, look at the pickle you got yourself in. A pickle I now have to help you get out of.”
“I’m sorry for getting into this pickle.”
“I am also sorry you got into this pickle.”
“Pickle.”
“Pickle.”

Classic.


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