Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the mole among the Runaways has tipped off the police to the whereabouts of their hideout. After narrowly escaping a spanking, the kids burrow their way through the mountain and out of harm’s way… for now…

While Mr. Wilder and Mr. Stein look for the kids, the Deans and the Hayes collaborate amongst themselves to plan a murder for the rest of the Pride! That way, the six that get into Paradise will the four of them plus their two kids! Muahahahaha! Murder is the perfect crime, even more perfect than jaywalking.

The Runaways need to thwart their parents before it’s too late! And Saturday Night Live is on in ten minutes! That Kenan sure is a laugh riot, don’t want to miss his Steve Harvey impression!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 [July, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

Thirty Feet Beneath Los Angeles, 7:58pm

Chase leads them all through a stinky sewer, knee deep in poop. Gert bitches until Chase calls her dinosaur gay and that it’s the reason they need to trudge through the sewers unseen in the first place. Gert argues that they’d be trudging through the sewers anyway. “We’re fugitives! Homeless fugitives! And we’re running out of places to hide from our psycho parents!”

Nico doesn’t want to hide anymore. She wants to fight. Alex mumbles, barely agreeing and he looks through the Abstract some more. This thing about the Rite of Thunder sounds interesting, though! Maybe it will involve betrayal within the Pride on the side, hopefully?

“The Rite of Thunder is a ceremony where all twelve of our parents take the spirit they captured at the Rite of Blood… and feed it to those evil Gibborim guys they work for,” explains Alex as struggles to keep the book out of the raw sewage. The Rite of Blood, of course, being the stabbing death murder from Issue #1. Can’t forget about that.

Gert doesn’t believe in souls and spirits! She’s agnostic, and she’s proud of it! *puffs out chest*

Alex tells her to cork it. These spirits are going to feed the Gibborim and give them their power and there’s no two ways about it, so get over yourself. Hey, look here in the book, it says that the Pride needs to appear before the Gibborim “humbly”. “I think that translates to ‘without weapons,’” suggests Alex. No one is listening to him anymore. They’ve got four hours to ambush their weaponless parents and give ‘em the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe.

Maybe they’re all dead and you haven’t figured out yet that you’re looking for piles of bones??

Wilder Family Private Beach, Malibu, California, 8:08pm

The Pride congregate to complain and whine. They can’t focus on their kids right now since they have to make their offering to the gibbering Gibborim.

“Of all the nights to get a lead on our kids, why’d it have to be tonight?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes asks out loud.

“Yes, it seems quite the coincidence, doesn’t it, mutant?” says Mr. Minoru, suggesting that perhaps one of them is loyal to the Runaways just as one of the Runaways is loyal to the pride? Hmm? Not out of the question, is it? I rest my case.

Mrs. Yorkes all but tells him to shut the fuck up, and Mr. Wilder agrees. Save the bickering and hissy-fitting until after the Rite of Thunder! Mrs. Stein clicks a button on her remote control and the Playboy channel flickers in front of their eyes. Oh, and a giant vessel dubbed The Leapfrog rises out of the waves of the ocean like a majestic… well, leapfrog, I guess.

Before they all embark, a few members of the Pride whisper amongst themselves about the meaning behind Mr. Minoru’s words. Particularly, the members of the Pride who want to murder the other members of the Pride. “Are you sure you want to go through with this, Leslie?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes says to Mrs. Dean. “I don’t want to throw away two years of worth of planning, but our girls are still–”

*slap* GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN! This is the perfect time to take advantage of the rest of the group’s preoccupations, insecurities, and soft, soft, stab-able abdomens.

They live in a ghost ship off the coast of California and the fly a pirate flag in order to throw people off the scent that they’re actually Gibborims! It all makes sense!

Santa Monica Beach, 9:43pm

Alex has figured out the the Gibborim’s base is a few thousand leagues under the Pacific Ocean. Gert’s like “Great, that’s useful, let’s just go back home and get murdered right now” but Nico has an idea. “WATERPROOF!” she yells, pointing her Staff of One on the sand. A giant, lopsided bubble emerges. Everyone get in!

Chase would rather eat a thumbtack sandwich. “We still don’t know if one of us is a traitor! If Nico is working for our parents, she’ll pop that thing when we’re halfway down!”

Of course, Alex’s boner tells the rest of the gang that Nico can indeed be trusted, so shut your yap, Chase. He proves that she can be trusted by kissing her in front of everyone, which proves absolutely nothing and causes discomfort within the group. “Eww, they’re using tongues!” Molly cries disgustedly.

Alex apologizes for kissing and groping and bringing Nico to orgasm in front of everyone. He just wanted a little before they could possibly die, is all. But now it’s back to business!

“I wanted to tell you – all of you – that no matter how I ever acted, I always secretly looked forward to those get-togethers our parents made us have. Most of my ‘friends’ were just Xbox screennames, but I really liked you guys.” Yada yada, after this sad displace of ultra-virgin energy, Alex makes his case that he would never betray any of them to their parents and that anyone who did will be destroyed. Dig?

Everyone agrees, and they all get in the stupid bubble.

THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, MOLLY! LOOK A LITTLE MORE SOMBER, WOULD YA??

2,500 Leagues Later…

They all discuss what they want to be when they grow up as they descend further and further into Hell. Gert wanted to be a senator, but the position-of-power thing is no longer appetizing. Karolina wanted to be an actress like her parents, but now that sounds like a sucky farty idea. Alex’s parents wanted him to be a doctor so, naturally, he’s going to design video games. Nico’s going to buy a bass and join an anarcho-crust punk band called “Christ Fisting”. Chase will join the FBI so he can carry a gun all the time. Molly wants to be a mom, but a good mom. Not one of those bad moms.

They all sit in silence as the bubble keeps descending the abyss.

The Marine Vivarium, 10:51pm

PLOP

The kids have landed! Gert looks around and asks if they just entered Atlantis. Alex tells them, because somehow he knows this, that it’s a 30-minute walk to the Gibborim chamber. Let’s hustle.

As Nico stares reverently at her Staff that helped them all get down safely, a large rocky-looking monsters stomps into the corridor. The Abstract didn’t say anything about a guardian, so who’s this clown? Karolina tries her breezy alien powers on it, but it doesn’t work. Chase tries to shoot flames at it from his mechanical hands, but all it does is light the dude on fire and turning it into an aggressive, burning rock monster. Chase then lures him into the water to douse the flames, but he forgot to consider that the monster will be running at him. Then he gets wasted.

Alex realizes that two pages were stuck together in the Abstract (probably after Mr. Wilder jerked off into it). Molly goes full purple-eyed mutant and tries punching the beast, but Alex stops it by saying the magic word.

Roughly translates to “Hey, rock monster! Please stop, ok? My friends mean no harm and my friend Chase wants to carry a gun around everywhere.”

“AFFIRMATIVE. STENRY… POWERING… DOWN…”

Cool beans, that was easy and nice. But we have a big ol’ problem now. We’re out of Cheez-Its. Also, Chase appears to be dead.

Final Thoughts

Other than Alex, Chase is the worst one! Consider this a wash.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #14 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 2)”! In the previous installment, Alex had successfully decoded the first few chapters of the Abstract! In it, the Cheery Runaway Gang discovers that their parents were selected by the Gibborim 25 years ago to help the Earth by eliminating humanity. In the end, out of the 12 of them, 6 will enter an eternal Paradise and 6 will perish with the rest of the pesky humans. In return, they all get these cool-ass powers. None of them could resist because they’re all a bunch of jerks.

The Pride had started a child-rearing pact for reasons that are unclear, but they sacrificed a lot for their children in order to further the Pride legacy into the next generation. The kids ain’t havin’ it, though, and they still want to report their parents to whichever authorities will give a flying fuck.

HOWEVER, A HITCH: Lieutenant Flores discovered the kids’ hidey-hole and now they are under arrest! Eek and oh no! Let’s see how this unfolds!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #14 [June, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 2)”

The Wilder Residence, Los Angeles, California, 4:33pm

Mr. Geoff Wilder is in his super secret base looking at photos of his family on his computer, including a picture of Alex looking like Urkel Spider-Man. Mr. Stein pops in and asks if he’s interrupting anything. Mr. Wilder quickly puts his pud back into his pants. “Not at all, Mr. Stein. I was just… thinking.”

Stein tells Wilder to keep his mind off his kid. The Rite of Thunder is tonight, so they need to get in line and suck the Gibborim’s dick. Wilder asks what the point is anymore; they were doing all of this so that their offspring could inherit the Earth. Stein tells him it was never that selfless. A shot at immortality, sir. *knocks on Wilder’s head* Hello, McFly? Remember?

Stein waxes nostalgic about being young enough to believe that 25 years was an eternity in of itself. “But now we’re old men, rapidly approaching the Final Wave, and the ungrateful brats we sacrificed everything for have abandoned us. Admit it,” he turns to Wilder, “some nights you think about letting your son perish with the rest of this wretched populace… and taking his spot in the Next World for yourself.”

“NEVER!” Wilder screams in Stein’s face like a true Father of the Year. He then grabs Stein’s neck intending to choke him out then stick his penis down the corpse’s throat, but he restrains himself. For now. “I have done terrible things in my life, but for the last sixteen years, I have been confident that I was doing them for a noble reason. I am going to find Alex and give him what is rightfully his, and I will destroy anyone who stands in my way.”

Stein backpedals and says “uh, yeah, heh heh, me too, uh, of course, I’m glad we’re all on the same page here, heh” and claims that he was testing Wilder. I don’t believe it for a fucking second, considering the dude punched his son in the jaw in the first issue.

And another thing, he – ope! Stein’s watch is beeping! It’s the fuzz, they found our kids! Let’s boogie woogie oogie, as the kids say! Bazinga!

Six dead bodies on their front doorsteps! I’m the best cop ever!

Lieutenant Flores has the children surrounded! Inside information, suckers! There’s a mole in your midst; called up the LAPD to disclose your whereabouts! Can you guess who it is? I’ll give you a hint: It’s– haha! Like Flores is going to give up the goods now.

Flores orders the kids to be hit with beanbag projectiles, and also to kill the dinosaur with regular ol’ bullets. Chase is like “not today” and uses his magic metal claws to create a chain link fence of fire, creating a barrier between the two factions! Police vs. Kids, a rivalry as old as time.

Nico turns to the dinosaur, Old Lace, and orders it to bite her or she’ll choke Gert to death with her tiny, little, soft hands. Old Lace bites her whole fucking arm, causing that glowing red staff to emanate from her chest. “When blood is shed… let the Staff of One emerge!” Very dramatic.

Karolina helps! She flies above the fire fence and shoots icy beams at the coppers, saying sorry the whole time of course.

Nico uses the Staff of One to cause rocks from the cavern to fall on the LAPD’s heads. “It’s a cave-in! FALL BACK!” yells one of the officers, but Flores tells him to stuff it. No one is falling back, or falling forward, or falling anywhere.

Then a giant rock lands on Flores’ head, which would kill anyone instantly if this wasn’t a Marvel Comics Production.

Yum. I hope everyone likes Brains-Splatter-All-Over-the-Cave for dessert.

Chase yells at Nico for caving-in his hideout. Nico apologizes; she wanted a tremor, not a whole goddamned earthquake. Sorry, pal. Looks like you have to find another place to jerk off in secret.

Speaking of caving in, the whole place caves in! As in, Karolina uses her alien powers to hold up the ceiling, which is now five feet above their heads. They’re all trapped in a cavity with no way out. Gert wonders if asphyxiation is worse than getting crushed to death. It’s taking everything in Karolina to hold up what she can, she doesn’t have the energy to throw it off of them or anything like that.

“It’s not fair,” Molly cries like a petulant child. “This place was so cool, but now it stinks. I had to leave my old house, and now I’m gonna have to leave this one? It’s not fair!” She punches the rocky wall, which cracks significantly. A brain idea emerges in the purple-haired one’s head: “Bruiser! Do you think you punch us a way out?”

The answer is a resounding “fuck yeah”. Molly starts tunnelling in a random direction, which makes Alex nervous. Not to worry, loser! Chase has x-ray specs that can see through rocks, apparently. Just 20 clicks thataway is a clearing. Let’s boogie woodie oogie!

And not a moment too soon, because Wilder and Stein have arrived.

According to my outdated digital camera gizmo, our kids are way smarter than us. Thwarted again!

So the kids are gone from the hideout. Sounds like a job for the police. Wilder and Stein have to get back to the house for the Rite of Thunder! It’s where you stick someone’s hand in warm water while they’re sleeping and then… well, you know the rest.

Wilder ain’t leaving! The LAPD almost killed his son one time already, he’s not going to let them almost kill him again! In fact, he doesn’t even want to successfully kill him!

A survivor has been pulled from the rubble: Lousy Lieutenant Flores. “Oh thank God. I… I thought I was dead,” he says haggardly.

Wilder shoots him in the face with a gun, lmao. “Come, Victor. Let’s get our godforsaken ‘dinner meeting’ over with…” he grumbles.

Mount Lee, Los Angeles, California, 7:01pm

The kids are hiding behind the first “O” of the large “HOLLYWOOD” mountain sign. Molly is asleep, cozied up against Old Lace. She’s had a tough day of punchin’ rocks. “We covered some good ground tonight,” Alex observes. No one responds. Why is he even talking?

Chase is like, hey, let’s build a new base right here! Gert is like, no way, this is where teens in heat make out. The police will be patrolling the area later in the evening. So now what? The Avengers are AWOL. They can’t go to the police. Their parents are running L.A. What are they supposed to do?

Nico suggests taking care of the Pride themselves. All twelve of them. I mean, they survived vampires, two superheroes, and an entire S.W.A.T. team. What’s twelve spindly adults?

Alex is less than confident about that, but Nico has an idea: “Listen, we can use the Abstract to figure out the next time our parents are gonna be preoccupied with something else. We’ll hit them when they’re least expecting it!”

Good idea, but what about the mole. One of them cannot be trusted. ESPECIALLY not the flying alien girl. Just saying.

Speaking of the flying alien girl, she suggests that the whole idea of a mole was something the cops invented to pit them all against each other. Sounds exactly like something the mole would say.

Fair enough. Although I think things worked out for Anne Frank. Right? Am I right about that? Huh? Anyone?

So it’s settled! They’re all going to go murder their parents. Meeting adjourned.

The Dean Residence, 7:30pm

“IDIOTS!” screams Mr. Dean. “Wilder and Stein had them, and they let our children slip away!”

“Use your inside voice, dear,” says Mrs. Dean. The mole is just going to tip them off again, so be patient.

Mr. Hayes thinks her own daughter, Molly, is mole-ing around. Mr. Dean says that Molly is just a stupid, little, stinky kid who can’t be no kind of informant no how! Mr. Hayes disagrees. She’s a mutant! Mutants are savvy and smart, just like… uh… Cyclops? Sorry, bad example.

Anyway, whomever the mole is, they’re doing a bang-up job. Right now, they have to finish planning for the Rite of Thunder! And by that they mean, the Deans and the Hayes are going to murder the rest of the Pride. That way, the four of them plus their two children can be the six hanging out in Paradise forever. “I’m sure they’ll applaud our initiative,” says Mrs. Dean when asked if the Gibborim will approve of such treachery.

They all toast to their fantastic idea that won’t backfire one bit!

Final Thoughts

Oh man! Conspiracy! Betrayal! Dinosaurs! What has everyone gotten themselves mixed up into here?? Paradise sure is an appealing mistress, isn’t it. I’d murder my way into Paradise if it meant I could eat all the hot dogs I wanted. I sure do love hot dogs.