Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #448

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #448!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #448 [June, 1996]

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

”The Scams of Spring” – Frank Doyle

Drawing attention to the cover art for a hot second, doesn’t it look like that Hiram Lodge is performing a lewd, impressive sex act against a hapless Archie? Perhaps against Archie’s consent? Statutorily? Maybe I should avoid reading this issue since it might harm my fragile sensibilities!

But no, I press on for you, the loyal reader. This is all your fault.

Archie is in his bed staring at framed pictures of Veronica with hearts swimming above his head. “Aah! Sigh! Oooh!” he moans orgasmically. Little does he know, Mr. And Mrs. Andrews are preparing to gut the house for spring cleaning. Trim the weeds and wax the trophies! They’re like “ARCHIE! GET YOUR SUPPLE LITTLE BUTT DOWNSTAIRS TO HELP REPLACE THE LINOLEUM RIGHT NOW!” And Archie snaps out of his drunk Veronica stupor.

His parents give Archie a laundry list of shit to do while Archie moans unorgasmically. Then his friend Jughead slams open the front door in the nick of time to save him. “Arch! Hey, Arch, baby! Let’s hit the bricks!!”

Sorry, son! Archie is spit-shining toilets today! Jughead is like “wow, families that work together stick together! Too bad my own parents died in that blimp explosion! *nudge nudge*” This causes the Andrewseses to become suspicious af.

“A real family! You stick together… no matter what cost!” Jughead says slyly.

“What cost?” repeats Mrs. Andrews.

“I mean trusting your only child with your precious home and garden! Despite the fact that ‘Ol’ Thumbs’ here messes up everything he tries!” Jughead grabs an offended Archie. “Right, ol’ buddy?”

“’Ol’ Thumbs’?” asks Mr. Andrews.

“A little moniker they gave him at school! You know, ‘cause he’s all thumbs! Like, clumsy, destructive!”

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

And fuck me sideways if I’m going to let our only son take a stinky dump in our refrigerator!

Is this sad display really going to fucking work, one asks? The answer is yes. Yes, it’s going to work, because Jughead is smooth like wet shit and Archie parents are like “I don’t want our house fucked up irrevocably” so they allow Archie to leave and never come back!

Later, Archie slaps Juggy’s back triumphantly. “Jug, you evil genius!” he says, leaping up and clicking his heels. Their first stop is the Lodge residence where Veronica is weeping on the couch in the foyer. “Why so glum, cunt?” Jughead asks rudely. Pretty rude for an Archie comic, huh? Wow, is that rude. Veronica is crying cuntily because she wants to go to the mall, but her car is dirty and she just did her nails so she doesn’t want to get her nails dirty. It’s a whole sad, sorry little affair. People have died in lesser tragedies. Well, Archie is here to help! He’ll take Veronica to the mall and he’ll buy her lunch and he’ll pick the ticks out of her hair! Happy Spring, everyone!

Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Andrews realize that they’ve been rather hoodwinked. “Do you think we’ve been had?” asks Mr. Andrews.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” responds Mrs. Andrews, arms crossed. “It’s the conniving con man friend of Archies!”

Good work, team. Way to crack the case.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

Yes, yes, it’s a convertible and the top is down. Those kids are not very bright, sir.

Mr. Andrews calls his buddy Hiram Lodge who confirms that the kids are frolicking around the driveway, and in less than four seconds Archie’s parents show up ready to pound their kid into hamburger meat. Mrs. Andrews pinches Jughead’s ear and his defense is “Ouch! Mrs. Andrews! I’m not your son!” And while that WILL hold up in court, Mama Andrews had called Jughead’s parents (or at least the two hobos under the overpass who pretend to be Jughead’s parents in situations such as these). Cleaning time, rascals!

Now Archie and Jughead are washing windows and raking leaves. I don’t know why one would be raking leaves in the spring, but I’m not here to quibble over the Andrewses yard and why the leaves fall off the tries in March.

“And, lo’ and behold! They’re as outstanding as WE are!” Mrs. Andrews says happily to Jughead. “They volunteered you for a day of spring cleaning at our place!”

The laugh track blows a speaker. Veronica’s nails get filthy and she hangs herself out of shame.

”A Clothes Encounter of the Worst Kind” – Hal Smith

Hiram Lodge is pacing around the house with flop sweat because he’s going to be carrying around $500,000 in bearer bonds and he’s afraid of being robbed blind at gunpoint. Archie is asking him if he’s going to go around in his $4,000 dollar suit looking “prosperous”. “It’s like a neon sign saying ‘rob me!’ You should wear your oldest clothes!”

Lodge likes the boy’s idea and changes into his $3,500 dollar suit plus his fancy fedora. Archie is still skeptical of the man’s ability to not get his butt fucked in a dark alley. “Maybe if we pull off a button!” Archie says, ripping it off the suit.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

I do say, lad, I’d rather get butt fucked in a dark alley!

Archie continues desecrating Lodge’s “fancy” brown suit by stomping on everything and ripping off pieces. The final touch is splashing water on Lodge’s shoes and shoving him head first into a woodchipper. “Don’t take any of your cars downtown!” Archie says. “I’ll drive you!”

And, for some fucking reason, Lodge lets Archie drive him. Too bad the bank is closed and Archie peeled away, not returning for at least seven hours. I don’t know why Hiram Lodge isn’t rich enough to have a cellphone in 1996, but he decides to loiter against the wall looking quite homeless and degenerate. The cops come to arrest him and I’m not even joking about that! I joke quite a lot, but Hiram Lodge gets arrested for looking like a sleaze! Here’s how it went down:

“Look at the vagrant over there!”

“He looks mighty suspicious to me!”

“Okay, buddy, let’s see some I.D.!”

“Certainly! Oh, no! I left it in my other suit!”

“Ha-ha-ha! That’s a good one! What are those?”

“$500,000 in bearer bonds!”

“Oh, a robber, eh? You have the right to remain silent…”

“B-But…”

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

Uncle Leo?!!

So Hiram Lodge wastes his ONE phone call on the teenage fuckup, so that’s an lol from me. Hiram Lodge thinks that he should get a do-over on account of the fact that he was “talking to an idiot!”

“Who’s the new guy?” asks Gruff Inmate #1.

“I don’t know, but don’t mess with him…” says Gruff Inmate #2. “I heard him muttering about killing someone named Archie!”

The laugh track blows out another speaker. Veronica Lodge becomes an orphan after Hiram gets shanked in prison.

”Lodge Dodge” – Dan Parent

Veronica instructs Archie and Jughead to wait in the den until she gets back. Archie and Jughead perform hijinks and antics until Veronica gets back. The story is over in three panels.

”Notes To You” – Frank Doyle

Archie is in the school hallway scribbling something in a notebook. He’s wearing an ugly purple sweater that wouldn’t look out of place on The Cosby Show. Veronica thinks that he is writing another love note to her because she is conceited and stupid. She watches as he heads over to her locker and—WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S NOT VERONICA’S LOCKER! IS HE SLIPPING THE NOTE INTO ANOTHER GIRL’S LOCKER?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, ARCHIE??

It was actually Mabel Mercer’s locker, the school slut! “Fortunately, he didn’t shove it all the way,” Veronica says. And yes, that’s what she said. “I can retrieve it and save the dear boy some embarrassment!”

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

Looks like someone’s hankerin’ for some of that school slut pussy!

Veronica gets so pissed that she takes a dump on the floor. “Ack!” she says in her finest Cathy impression. “That two-timing monster!! So he wants and needs what she’s got, does he?” She throws the note on the floor. “Fie on you, Mabel Mercer!”

An idea emerges in her brain! Veronica snaps her fingers in delight! “Hah! What that lovesick wretch Archie needs is an answer from his new girl!!” And indeed, she writes something to the effect of “Dearest Archie, I surgically implemented a set of teeth in my snatch. Come and get it, big boy!” She shoves the letter in Archie’s locker and scurries away in a huff and a half.

Later, Archie finds the letter and it’s very rude indeed: “Archie! – No way! Not a chance! What’s mine is mine, and it’s going to stay mine!! Butt out of my life and stop bothering me! Mabel!”

Archie turns to Betty to gripe and grumble at the sheer rudeness of Mabel Mercer. “I loaned her my class notes last week and now she refuses to give them back!” AND THEREIN LIES THE MISUNDERSTANDING! Archie doesn’t want some pussy! Well, he always wants pussy. But he doesn’t want Mabel Mercer’s pussy. He just wants his notes back, by god.

Well, Betty is on the case. She speaks to Mabel immediately, who of course says “OH DEAR! ARCHIE WANTS HIS NOTES?! I WILL GIVE HIM BACK HIS NOTES!” and then she goes to her locker to retrieve her notes. A scratchy-sweatered Archie confronts Mabel with her shitty response in Veronica’s flowery handwriting. Wasn’t Mabel, that’s for sure. She writes like a farmer.

“Someone is playing pranks on us!” cries Mabel.

“Reggie! I’ll bet it’s Reggie! That lowdown weasel!” rants Archie, shaking his fist like a 700-year-old man.

“Anyway, here are your notes back! Sorry about that!”

“Hey, Mabel! All’s well that ends well!”

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 448

lol

The laugh track erodes my skeleton into mush. Veronica gets detention for being a bitch.

”Drill This” – Dan Parent

Archie is at the dentist getting a cavity filled in every tooth. Like Swiss cheese, this kid’s teeth! The dentist says Archie is his first patient ever. He shakes with nervousness and caffeine. Archie gets a dentist drill in the eyeball.

”Tired Old Story” – Mike Pellowski

Archie’s alarm goes off at 3:15pm. “YEOW! I’m late!” he screams, sproinging out of bed. In his haste, Archie slips on his rug and suffers a concussion that leads to a coma that leads to a vegetative state that leads to getting his plug pulled as per the wishes of his will. He goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and squirts toothpaste all over the ceiling. He goes outside and gets a ton of snow plopped on his head. He gets his car and the engine won’t start. He gets grease on his new jeans. Mom drops him off at school just as the bell rings. He slips on the hallway floor and skids right in front of Mr. Weatherbee. He hands him a detention slip.

Archie’s alarm goes off at 3:15pm. It was all a dream! “That was the worst start to the day I ever had! Thank goodness it was a dream!” he says. In his haste, Archie slips on his rug and gets decapitated.

Final Thoughts

Archie is such a loser. If I were him I would serious consider turning the gun to myself. ♫ “Archie spoke in class today…” ♫ ♫


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937 – “The Great Escape”

* Part 4 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937 – “The Great Escape”! In the previous installment, Batwoman gets her chance to rally the troops after Batman becomes all fucked up from fighting a Robot-Batman army. The problem now is that Batwoman’s dad is directly against helping, and Batwoman and her own merry band of troops will now need to go against Col. Kane, Army Man Extraordinaire!

If that doesn’t sound interesting to you, can I turn your attention to Paper Girls, which is a comic book series that is infinitely more interesting?

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937 [September, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Great Escape”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937

“Item 37… miniature laser cutter… Item 38… rebreather… Item 39… appears to be a series of lockpicks… Item 40… small antitoxins? We’ll need to run these through toxicology… Item 41… this can’t be…”

Ahh, Item 41. We could have stopped at Item 40, but noooooo. We had to keep going to Item 41, which looks like a chunk of kryptonite!

A masked army bad guy is sorting through the contents of Batman’s utility belt. “This is going to completely revolutionize our suit munitions,” he says as a chained Batman starts stirring awake. “We’ll need to up the dosage,” he continues. He and another masked army bad guy deliberate upon removing Batman’s mask, but they are unable to at this moment since removing Batman’s mask will mean short-circuiting Batman’s suit’s central computer and erase everything. How’s the for COMIC BOOK LOGIC??

The army bad guys congratulate themselves on detaining Batman and taking away all his tools and means of escape, but through the x-ray scanner they see Batman tonguing something in his mouth. “Oh Lord. His tooth. He has something in his tooth!”

Batman spits out the bloody tooth, which immediately begins emitting smoke. The army guys blindly flail around with their guns trying to find Batman, but he has somehow escaped his chains and now he’s starting to crack some fucking skulls, yeah baby.

Meanwhile, Batman’s own army is travelling down what looks like an abandoned subway tunnel. They appear to be trapped. Hopefully they aren’t being followed, but if they are being followed, then hopefully they aren’t being followed competently. Orphan confirms that they aren’t being followed competently with a thumbs-up.

Red Robin regales us with some Gotham history: “When Gotham first broke ground on their subway system in 1898, they spent a year building tunnels that turned out to be three feet too small on all sides. There were no subway cars in the country that could safely fit, so they started over a few hundred feet up.”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937

It’s like Elon Musk’s Hyperloop idea without all the fascism.

The kid smiles as his companions look in awe at these pods attached to rails that can travel 20x the speed of the Batmobile throughout all these abandoned tunnels.

Good work, you fucking nerd. Batwoman commends you. Now take the others and hide for a while, because this is Batwoman’s battle and she should never have gotten anyone else involved in all this hoo-hah. “I need to find my father. I need to take care of this,” she insists while the others protest. Red Robin folds his arms like a Grumpy Gus and tells her, with all due respect, that she’s playing right into her father’s trap. And, also, in addition, actually, Red Robin knows where they took Batman! And he’s not telling, so take him and everyone else with you. Checkmate, sister.

Meanwhile, Batman checks a computer that is tracking Batman-related activity. Batman has been sighted in Afghanistan and Nairobi! Gaza strip! “Hh.” Batman huffs a sound effect that I can’t replicate, but I imagine it sounds like when you finish up an orgasm and then feel stupid for a split second.

The army slacker in charge of the computer has just returned with snacks. Batman throws him against the wall and demands answers about the Colony. The slacker is wearing a Batman shirt under his fatigues. “Yeah! Of course!” he says, starstruck.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937

Smile and say “incel”!

The kid is Ulysses Hadrian Armstrong, and he has been reverse-engineering every piece of found Batman tech “since he was still getting pimples”. “My scanners started cataloguing your tech when you walked in the room. The longer you stay, the more I know.” Armstrong smiles, picks himself up, and dusts himself off. “I was fourteen years old when the Colony recruited me. I sent my term paper to every office in the Pentagon after breaking through their network defenses.”

Batman shoves the kid back down again and asks him, very bluntly, why this place exists and what the Colony actually is. He raises his fist as if to mean to punch the kid’s teeth out, and trust me, they ain’t gonna be smoke bombs.

The kid snickers and mocks him for not knowing the answers already. After going through some information that is obviously culled from previous storylines that I’ll never, ever read, he coughs up the info that they’re raising an army of Robot Batmen. Armstrong shows Batman footage from two years ago of what looks like of a group of them busting up a bomb plot. “If you want more grisly missions, I’ve got video,” Armstrong says. Batman declines.

Armstrong now shows Batman what he calls the “Bat-Eyes”; drones that are keeping tabs on him. This is how Armstrong is watching his every move. His mapped movements train their “men”. “I designed an algorithm that tells them exactly what move to use when. They follow every command that runs through their helmets.”

“Look, we’re all big fans here,” Armstrong continues as he pulls out a gun from inside his uniform. “We love what you’ve done, but we’re going to take it all to the next level.”

Fat chance, punk-ass! Batman grabs his gunnin’ arm and breaks it. “You’re coming with me,” Batman says as the kid writhes painfully and amusingly on the floor. It’s at this time that a team of Bat-Bots advance on our caped crusader, trapping him on the edge of a balcony overlooking a deep canyon-like canyon-y canyon. Col. Kane emerges.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #937

We tried filling their heads with ABBA, but they became more murderous!

Batman is surprised to see his good ol’ Uncle Jake. Kane asks why he took Kate from him. Batman says he noticed he had more drones tracking her than anyone else combined. This is the part where Kane does his “look, son, there’s a sinister threat in this city that you know nothing about, so why don’t you just go run off and play with your games and balls and puzzles. You can’t do this alone. You need strength in numbers! You need the whole dang-ass military behind you!”

But, of course, Batman does his “I work alone” shtick, which is exactly why Kane made the decision for him. “The League of Shadows is in Gotham City, Batman.”

Well, THIS is a fucking wake-up call! The League of Shadows! Say it ain’t so! But Batman stays stoic. “The League of Shadows is a myth created to frighten the disciples of Ra’s Al Ghul. The League of Assassins is the threat.”

Oh, Bruce. You naive idiot. “They are hiding under every stairway in every dark corner. You cannot imagine the scale of this battle. You were never capable of fighting it on your own. And you brought my daughter in to die by your side?” *spits*

Col. Kane is going to bring her back to his side. He’ll bring everyone back to his side! Then he takes out a big gun and pushes the business end right against Batman’s head, pulls the trigger, kills him dead, coughs, puts away the gun, and… oh, I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry. He doesn’t actually shoot him because he gets interrupted.

“You want me to pick a side?” Batwoman says after her team has somehow entered the Colony HQ undetected. “How’s this for an answer?”

Everyone poses for the camera in that way that superheroes do. It seems ineffective, but what do I know?? I don’t write comic books!

Final Thoughts

Colonel Kane doesn’t know what he’s getting into, does he? Neither does this Minor League Justice League of Fledgling Dorks. I’m prepared to spend the next issue narrating a boring fight scene, it shall surely be a snoozefest. See you then.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65 – “Detention”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65 – “Detention”! In the previous installment, Gwen Stacy’s fuckin’ dead, Peter Parker is fuckin’ losing it, Curt Connors is fuckin’ sorry, and MJ is fuckin’, like, there. And now Connors’ partner Ben Reilly stole a vial of Parker’s blood? Come the heck on, sir. I thought we talked about this!

Parker vows to quit the Spider-Man thing, but how could he quit? We still have a trillion issues of Spider-Man and counting to go! Keep those spandex on, citizen!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65 [November, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Detention”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

Guess who landed themselves in Saturday detention? Parker, MJ, Liz, Flash, and Kong. A real breakfast club. Flash doesn’t have a stupid bowl cut anymore, but he does look like Vanilla Ice. Kong is still bald.

“What’s lil’ Parker doing?” Flash asks MJ as Parker sits at his desk catatonically.

“Leave him alone, Flash.”

“Guy’s in a coma.”

“Stop it!”

Flash gives the silence about five seconds to breathe before saying “I think he’s dead, too,” all snidely. Even Kong is alarmed that Flash said this. “Dude…”

MJ launches herself out of her desk chair and looks ready to choke a bitch. “You’re deranged!!” she says, pointing a finger right in Flash’s face. “You’re sick!! You’re the reason we’re all stuck here all day!! You!! And you still don’t get it!!”

Flash thinks they’re all here because MJ is crazy. Nobody can agree on anything! Frustrating! Being a teenager sucks!

Pardon the pun, but FLASHback to yesterday! Parker and MJ are cleaning out Gwen’s locker. The principal offers his ear if Parker ever wants to come to the office to talk. Then he says “let’s do this and just get it over with” about cleaning out Gwen’s property and leaves them to it.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

Hey, we’re like a couple-a musketeers! Maybe even three of them!

MJ and Parker find a photo of the three of them taped inside the locker. “She did like us,” MJ says, boggling at the photo. Parker starts looking like he’s going to break down again, which is a perfect time for Flash “Wedgie Patrol” Thompson to show up. “What’s all the drama?” he asks, butting in. Kong stays back as MJ tells Flash to butt the fuck out.

“What’s going on?” asks Flash.

“We’re cleaning out Gwen’s locker,” says Liz.

“Oooh, free stuff? Do we get to take what we want?”

“Go away.”

“Fine, fine.” Flash starts walking. “By the waysky, great job on keeping an eye on her, Parker. Well done.”

Now this is the part where MJ goes crazy, as Flash purports! She grabs the oversized geometry textbook from Gwen’s locker, revs up, and… well… you know.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

I got your hypotenuse right here, motherfucker!

One thing leads to another, pretty soon Flash is accidentally on top of Kong while MJ is purposely on Flash pulling his hair. Parker tries to pull MJ off and BOKs a teacher right in the chin, sending her flying back against the lockers.

And the rest is history! *opening credits song*

So whose fault was it? Let’s just say it’s God’s fault for creating this gay Earth and let’s move on.

Back in detention, MJ asks Flash straight up why he acts like an asshole. Sure, for attention, but let’s put that aside. “I mean, a girl died. Someone you know… died! She’s dead. Gwen’s dead and you just keep busting on everyone like it’s some big funny ha-ha. I really want to know… why are you doing this?”

Yeah, that’ll work. Flash just scowls and tells MJ to shut up, but MJ persists and you can see Flash’s tough-guy exterior start to waver. And, of course, wouldn’t you know it, MJ figures it out. And it’s such a shocker, I mean really. Who could have seen this coming? My balls have been launched into space over the revelation. “You liked her,” MJ says, eyes wide. Flash hangs his head down.

Now, over the course of the last 40 issues or so – whenever Gwen showed – there have been instances where Flash tried to talk to Parker alone. But Parker always shut the asshole down. I always wondered what he wanted, and now we all know. MJ knows too, and she’s smiling a little too widely at this. “You were going to tell him that you liked Gwen. You were going to ask for advice or ask him to tell her.”

Flash gets mad. “Shut your face!” he says like a bully in a PG movie. MJ gets that devilish twinkle in her eye and goads Flash to admit it, but he doesn’t take the bait. Flash the Virgin tells everyone to shut their chow holes and he slams his way out of the room.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

Girls are icky!

Three hours later, he’s still gone. “I didn’t mean for him to wig out,” says MJ. “I thought we were going to have, like, a moment… or something. I thought I actually got through to him.”

Kong assures the rest of them that Flash is just loud. He’s not a bad guy. And this is when Parker pipes in for the first time. “Yes, he is.”

Taken aback, Kong starts telling Parker to just sit down with him and talk for five minutes, but Parker won’t hear it. “Kong, I’ve known Flash Thompson since I was seven years old. And I’ve met a lot of bad people… He is a bad person.”

Well, that settles that! Flash = Bad. Who wants Detention Cake?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

And sometimes they get trapped in carbonite by Dark Lords!

Oh, we’re not done? Parker launches into a big soliloquy about Flash’s shittiness and how he sucks and picks his nose and his dad probably beats him within an inch of his life every Thursday like clockwork. Right after Wheel of Fortune. How he’s going to grow up and go from a shitty kid to a shitty man. Because this is the only way he knows how to act, and it’s encouraged by people like *thumbs at Kong* this walking blowjob. “He’s going to grow up to be a full-grown greedy, mean, selfish liar. The world is filled with them. The world is being run by them. And your ‘friend’ is one of them. You need to learn this and learn it fast.”

Kong gets defensive and asks Parker if he, too, is one of these people who gets stepped on by people like Flash to get ahead in life. And yeah, Kong, your best friend treats you like crap. “He hangs around with you- I’m sorry, but he hangs around with you solely to make himself feel superior. And the truth is- you’re 10 times the guy he is. But you let him treat you like this. You let him.”

Tough talk. “What about you, man?” Kong asks, staring daggers at Parker. “What kind of person are you?”

Parker looks down and prepares himself for the most poignant panel in the history of Ultimate Spider-Man. “I’m nothing.”

BAZINGA!

Then MJ asks “What about Spider-Man” and throws Parker off. At this, Parker runs out of the room. MJ follows even though this is DETENTION and tries to get his ATTENTION before they all get a SUSPENSION.

“Peter, I’m sorry,” MJ says.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what are you?”

“I’ve just had it, MJ. It’s too much.”

Spider-Man couldn’t save everyone, yada yada yada. MJ tells him that he wasn’t there in any case of someone getting hurt or dying. “Why are you making it your fault?”

Parker’s not listening. He argues with her and then swoops away fully Peter Parker-garbed. From a rooftop, he sees muggers trying to rip off a woman’s purse. He takes advantage of this situation and lets off a little steam.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65

YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP?? YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP?? I’LL START FUCKING A BITCH UP!! I’LL START SWINGIN’!!

“You have to change!! You hear me!!” Parker screams like a complete wacko lunatic. “Today!! Right now!!”

He forces the thugs to apologize, then he tells them to go do something better with their lives. The woman thanks him profusely, and Parker seems to get a slight “aha” moment, but then frowns HARD and leaps back up to the roof of the building.

“Why did I just do that?”

…

“I’m sorry, Gwen.”

Final Thoughts

Whoa mama! This kid is losing his marbles! Looks like Spider-Man’s next mission will be to keep Flash Thompson from fucking a corpse! See you in the next story!


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 14 – “Gender Bender”

The X-Files

“A religious sect member capable of changing gender becomes the prime suspect in a murder spree.“

Damnit, this is going to be one of those really bad ones, isn’t it?

The episode opens in a dance club, but there’s a closeup of an eye filled with colors like in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Young people are dancing and having fun. A sultry woman approaches an even more sultry man and grabs his hand. She does some eye flirting and whispers sweet nothings in his ear before leading him to a hotel room. They do some PG sexual relations and the guy is all like “wow that was incredible, wow my orgasms, wow”. She walks away to bathroom, and silhouetted in the doorway she appears to choke him out telekinetically. He dies and froths at the mouth.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

Is it a man? A woman? Kenny G? Who knows?!

Then this woman bends her gender! She really gends her Bender! And then puts on clothes. Cue the music.

The crime had happened in Germantown, Maryland. Witnesses report a man and a woman entering the room, and then a single, different man leaving! Bizarre stuff, but I’ll be dollars to chocolate donuts that Mulder has already cracked this case handily. He scoops up a small sample of the dried, pink froth off the guy’s mouth and keeps it for, you know, posterity.

Cause of death was “blowin’ an artery”. Must’ve been some good sex, heh heh heh HEH HEH HEH HEH HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHEHEHAH!!!!

Scully wonders why the fuck the FBI needs to be involved, but she should know by now that this is going to turn into a hella X-File. Five similar deaths in the last few months, all during sex, all with the froth on their mouths. Two women and three men. Each body showed huge amounts of pheromones; 100x more than normal. The pheromones contain human DNA, but Scully is already skeptical about that. Studies show that humans may not even secret disgusting pheromones!

Pfft. Shut up, Scully, and pay attention. The killer keeps hitting cities going south, so the next stop is, I dunno, Raleigh, North Carolina maybe? Who cares, it’s time to talk about the religious sect. A similar death occured about a year ago outside the sect. They’re like the Amish only creepier, if you can believe it. Sorry to any Amish who might be reading this on their computer made out of tinker toys.

The sect is called “the Kindred”. Scully and Mulder shove off to the small town outside of the sect to talk to some locals at a general store. The owners of the establishment don’t mind the sect one bit; they bring in tourists. In fact, they have photos on the walls of sect members from the ’30s. They’re creepy. You can tell it’s ominous because the ominous music plays, this is how you know how to feel about them! Hey, there goes a group now on horse and buggy. Everyone wave and throw your tomatoes at them.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

According to this map, the Kindred Sect is just up the hill. Next to the Arby’s.

Scully and Mulder leave the store to try a chat with a few of the women, but they’re deliberately ignored. Mulder follows them into the feed store while Scully attempts to chat with one of the younger, more autistic members of the sect. She tries some friendly banter, but he looks like talking to a woman is causing him to cream his pants and he stays quiet until he is asked what his name is. It’s Andrew, and he’s not allowed to talk while in town. She shakes his hand, he starts rubbing it, and Scully looks like she just got pumped full of pheromones. Loaded up. Mulder breaks up the enchantment after leaving the store, and the group leaves on their carriage.

I remember this episode now. It sucks ass.

The FBI agents decide to follow them through the woods to their faux Amish camp. They think they get lost, but they start getting flanked on all sides by a group of members. Scully announces that they’re here to investigate a murder, but Brother Ishmael over her warns them that their weapons are forbidden here in the merry old land of the Kindred. Scully and Mulder just want to ask a few questions but do give up their guns after it is clear that these people are not going to stop bothering them about it. “There’s no reason to be afraid,” says Sister Abby, one of the more congenial members of his little Hell Clan, as she and the rest of her group leads Mulder and Scully into the camp.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

I’ll have the potato skins, and Agent Scully will have the mozzarella sticks.

They enter a house where a table is set and ready for supper. They all do a quick prayer, but Mulder notices one guy coughing his lung out at the table. “We’re looking for someone we believe may have come from here,” Mulder says as every starts scooping mush onto their plates. Scully wants to show them some pictures, but Sister Abby insists that they don’t allow pictures. It’s like, first the guns and now the pictures? Are these people vampires? Do they believe in the soul-capturing powers of Kodak film? Scully’s starting to get peeved until Brother Andrew pipes in with curiosity. The agents offer to show one of them some video surveillance. This guy has committed five awful, murder-y crimes and he will do it again (or your money back).

It’s at this time that a particularly dour looking motherfucker slams his hand down on the table. “Your world does not interest us! We have no need for for your violence or your questions!” Everyone takes in the awkward silence, then Sister Abby stands up, confronts this loud asshole, and puts him in his place. The coughing guy starts choking, and the people stop Scully from performing the Heimlich maneuver under the pretense of “outsiders do not interfere with our way of life” or some other weird nonsense. It’s starting to appear that none of this is worth it whatsoever.

Mulder and Scully get kicked out of the camp and escorted to their car in the rain. “Do you believe all that ‘we take of our own’ business?” Mulder asks Scully, and the answer is obvious. Someone needed taking care of and nobody took care of him! That’s a D- reaction! Mulder isn’t taking this and decides to sneak back into the camp in typical, quintessential Mulder fashion.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

Fucking sucks that we weren’t invited to the Creepy Cult Barn Party.

The house is dark and silent. “Maybe they went to the movies,” Mulder quips. I laughed at that. There’s light in a nearby barn, so the agents creep on over to take a closer look at the ritual unfolding before them. Mulder, ever so curious, sneaks into the barn after the group leaves to investigate a cellar. Scully keeps on peaking, but is stopped by Brother Andrew and his pheromone injection!

“I can give you information,” he tells her after the commercial break (buy war bonds!) and then leads her away. Mulder traverses a dark, narrow underground tunnel and discovers the members chanting and murmuring. Andrew tells Scully that he knows who did the murders. It was his best friend, Brother Martin. “I called him Marty,” he says fondly even though this guy murdered people like a real Marty.

Something gross is happening in the basement. The people are rubbing oil on the dead body of the choking man.

“I need to show you something. Something about Marty,” Andrew says as he barricades the door of the room they’re in with a chair.

Mulder investigates once the people leave the little chamber. Some sort of makeshift cocoon like a sarcophagus covered in clay.

Marty had magazines! Magazines from the other world! He liked the slickness of the paper and the garish, nude ladies within.

Mulder hears approaching footsteps. He’s fucked. He tries running toward the entrance, but there are footsteps coming from there as well. So he jumps through a man-sized hole in the clay tomb, successfully hiding, and discovers that the dead man looks like a woman now. Cool stuff, this gender-bending cult. I wonder who came up with this stupid idea in the writer’s room.

“How did he kill his victims?” Scully asks Andrew. “Does it have something to do with the ceremony in the barn?” Andrew starts rubbing Scully’s hand again and she stares at him with dreamlike vacancy. “Marty is different,” he explains. “We’re all different.” Then he kisses her, and she’s thoroughly seduced! Sex time.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

I named my penis “Marty”.

Mulder interrupts the coitus, so to speak, and throws Andrew off of her. There is a group waiting outside. “I told you not to interfere,” says Sister Abby coldly. There’s a 20-minute staredown before Mulder and Scully walk away back off the camp.

“What the hell were you doing back there?” Mulder asks her.
“I don’t know,” Scully replies hazily. She’s all flushed with primality. It’s disgusting.

Next we’re back at the loud club where a guy attempts to speak on his brick-sized cell phone. A “woman” approaches and seduces the guy with a simple touch on the hand. They go off for some lewd business.

When asked what Mulder saw in the cellar, he tells Scully that it was “Brother Whatshisname in a gopher hole in the wall — buried alive.” He looked like he was pumped full of hormones, the kind that makes a man into a woman or vice versa and this episode is teetering on offensiveness but it hasn’t crossed the line yet, luckily.

A cop stops the couple in the far mid-fuck. While the “woman” talks to the officer, the guy starts convulsing hilariously! The “woman” then kicks the cop’s ass, turns into a man just long enough for the convulsing guy to get a nice, hefty glimpse, then runs off.

“Her touch was electric,” the guy says to Scully and Mulder in his hospital bed. Other than that, nothing unusual! Ha ha ha. Oh wait, he’s remembering something. She turned into a man right before his eyes! Crazy stuff. Off the record right? No homo, Mulder. Please don’t tell anyone. There’s the offensiveness I’ve been waiting for!

The gender bender has taken another victim. He/She monologues toward the corpse about how much “your world” is filled with “pleasures” that “our world” doesn’t have, unless you count “praying to Jesus” and “being rude and snotty” as pleasures.

The rest of the episode sees Scully and Mulder spending suspenseful minutes chasing down the gender bending killer, ol’ Marty. A few Kindred motherfucks are there while Marty is apprehended, and Andrew tells Scully not to hurt him. He knocks the gun out of her hand and they all run off without a trace.

Scully, Mulder, and the local police drive on down to the Kindred camp, which is now completely deserted. The barn is completely sealed off. “I don’t understand how they can just disappear with no means of transportation,” Scully says as the duo runs off through the hayfield. “No earthly means of transportation,” Mulder says, finally shoehorning the alien angle into the story.

They come across a large, empty, matted-down UFO-shaped crop circle in the field…

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 14 - Gender Bender

This could have come from anything, Mulder! This could have been the local ruffians throwing around a giant manhole cover.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 15 — “Lazarus”
Scully dies and is brought back to life by a secret, magic alien elixir Mulder found under his kitchen sink.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936 – “Army of Shadows”

* Part 3 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936 – “Army of Shadows”! In the previous installment, Batwoman’s training is so hard that everyone mumbles and grumbles. Tim “Red Robin Hamburgers” Drake has a genius grant for Cum Dumpster University and doesn’t have the heart to tell Batman. Kate Kane has what appears to be daddy issues.

Batman is investigating something called “the Colony” based on a Jean-Paul Valley semi-conscious outburst, but now he has a run-in with robot Batmen. This is what he was afraid of, and we’re only three issues into the story!

Alfred showed up for a couple panels, too. I feel that this is noteworthy. Moving on.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936 [September, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“Army of Shadows”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936

Kate had a really shitty drill sergeant. Verbally and emotionally abusive; called her worthless, an idiot, a cunt (probably). “I’d made the mistake of telling him what I wanted. To be a leader, like my father. Tate never let me live it down.”

She once spent an evening reflecting. Wondering if this is what she wanted to do. Personally, I wonder why anyone would want to do it in the first place. Fuck all that noise entirely! Anyway, she had gone to a bar and closed her eyes listening to the music… when Sergeant Tate showed up right behind her.

“You want to know why I did it? Sometimes you need to shout until they cry.”

And they have a nice little heart-to-heart about why all this abuse is actually a good thing. It’s very touching (?)

In the current day, Kate is sitting in a bar with her ex-girlfriend Renee chatting about how she’s finally doing something she really wants to do with her life. How important it is and how great it feels… “But it’s not working. I feel like my hands are tied behind my back.”

Renee is grumpy and gets up to leave. Kate has always been a leader. Just fucking lead! Don’t ask for advice, worthless idiot cunt! And so on and so forth. It’s very touching (?)

Later, at New Batcave HQ, Red Robin and Batwoman watch Batman get his ass fully kicked by 50 robots on their giant monitors.

“Pretty damn bad.”

“My God… they beat Batman. When did this happen, Red Robin?”

“Three hours ago. He was en route back to the Cave.”

Batwoman notices that the robots are fighting with military precision! “They’re part of an organization named The Colony,” mansplains Red Robin. “That’s all we know.”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936

It’s every man for himself now, Red Robin. I’m getting away from this shit, one-way ticket to Nepal.

It’s time for Red Robin and Batwoman’s heart-to-heart, all like “Batman said you were in charge, right? And then he made all the decisions! But hey, trust the guy. Let him be a frustrating jerk, ok? But since Batman got fucked up, it’s time to step up and make a decision.”

So Batwoman smiles and decides to make some calls to Orphan, Spoiler, Clayface, and… uh… her dad. She calls her dad to say “I MADE DECISIONS!” He’s happy for her. It’s very touching (?)

Orphan leaps onto the roof and dons her mask while military jets fly overhead.

Spoiler was jostled awake and dreads another nightmare training session, but she perks up when she sees Batman getting his ass entirely kicked by 50 robots on their giant monitors. “Is that Batman losing?!” she asks incredulously even though I’ve witnessed Batman losing on many occasions. He let a little girl die in The Long Halloween for criminy’s sake!

The gang is all rounded up, and Batwoman makes her speech: “Batman didn’t want me–”

Hold up, I’m not rewriting all that! Here’s the gist: these Batmen have been trained to find all of them and kill them. The robots are the reason Batman brought everyone together, and now that Batman seems to be out of the picture, it’s up to them to survive without him! Also, she brought in an expert to help: MR. JEHOSAPHAT KANE, HER DEAR FATHER. Please clap.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936

I can’t think of a taller drink of water, myself! It must be the sexy genitals.

Mr. Colonel Kane enters the room with big “oh look at me I’m a tough guy” steps. Red Robin correctly guesses that a platoon was made in Batman’s likeness because “who better?” Then why are they trying to take down the guy they based themselves on, smart guy? Batwoman correctly guesses that maybe Batman is in the way of something. So why are they after Batman’s Dream Team? Clayface correctly guesses that maybe they’re in the way of something.

Orphan hasn’t shown up to the meeting yet because she thinks she can take on 50 robots by herself. We’re going to see how that all plays out and–

“Orphan isn’t responding,” Red Robin says while trying to get ahold of her on the Gigatron Orphan-Finder 5000 Computer. But then the Teratron Orphan-Finder 8000 finds her on the roof battling robots. “Oh God, they’re here,” Red Robin moans.

Col. Kane is like “STAND BACK, POOPYPANTS” and lowers the defensive shielding, allowing the robots to crash through the glass ceiling and descend upon our heroes. This totally smacks of Bad Guy shit, but I’ll allow it for now. Let’s see how this plays out!

The heroes scramble for a fucking plan. They’ve already taken over the computers, so doing anything remotely useful is completely out of the question.

Orphan comes down from the roof, and Col. Kane orders the Batmen open fire on her. Batwoman says “NO!” really loudly like it’s going to make a lick of difference. Luckily, the rounds are just sedatives. “It’ll wear off in minutes,” Col. Kane says. “She’s an impressive one, though, isn’t she? Secure a perimeter around them,” he addresses his robotic crew. “I want to talk.”

Red Robin encourages Batwoman to get her father talking forever so he can have time to get the systems back online. “Forever” is just about how long he’ll need, too. Fortunately for Red Robin, Col. Kane loves to hear his own voice.

“Kate, years ago you–”

Hold up! I’m not rewriting all that! Basically, he says that Batman influenced both of them. Where his daughter wanted to be like him, her father wanted to harness that potential into a Giant Robot Army! “We’re fighting a war on a scale he can barely comprehend, against a foe he’s ignored—and that war has come to Gotham!”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936

You need a spanking and to be put to bed without dinner, and no more TV or video games. Worthless idiot cunt.

Col. Kane goes on to say that all this was what he was training Kate for. Leading a real army! Is she in or out? And she can bring her little friends along too! They could learn a thing or two about not being shitty sidekick-caliber losers.

“We have a problem,” announces one of the Batmen on the computer. Red Robin has been trying to download an internet on the computerweb. He smiles triumphantly that he hacked into their Colony network and put a nasty virus in it! Ha ha ha! And—oh no! It didn’t work! Augh!

So Clayface absorbs his buds within his disgusting, slimy, muddy bulk while Batwoman condemns her father. An escape hatch opens below and they all fall down.

“Should we pursue?” asks one of the Batmen.

“The strike is tomorrow,” responds Col. Kane. “We need to crack the Bat-Computer to finalize our targets. Get our best men in here now, and get this system back up and running.”

“And what about them?”

“She can say what she wants. She knows the truth now. We don’t need to pursue. She’ll come to us.”

It’s very touching.

(?)

Final Thoughts

Oh, and I’m supposed to care about any of this? This is supposed to be Detective Comics, son! Show me some detective work! Someone grab a magnifying glass or something or I’m out.


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