July 22, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

July 22, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Set One

Stash — 11:36
“Stash” is at it’s best when it’s whipped up in a frothy frenzy! And this ain’t it! Man, once Trey gets into that intricate composed section, the tempo is so low that he probably had a couch pulled on stage so that he could lie on it like a stoned Pink Floyd fan plucking his guitar lazily until his dad comes downstairs to yell at him.

How Many People Are You — 7:58
If there’s any song that I simply cannot believe fell out of rotation, it’s “How Many People Are You”. Ten times — TEN — over the course of six years (not counting the 2020 COVID-travaganza), having last been played in 2021 as of this time. I think that’s fucking criminal. I think all four members of Phish should go to jail over this. Right to jail. Right away.

It’s bluesy and upbeat and perfect. Fuck, man. And meanwhile, fucking “Winterqueen” gets thrown in at least once of year. Speaking of which…

Winterqueen — 12:16
“The Winterqueen looks up and sighs” are the first six words of this song and it gives me a goddamned heart attack. Do you hear the way Trey says “queen”? It’s like “queeeeen”. Gag me with a spoon.

However, “Winterqueen” gets a solid jam. Fanciful keyboards from Page and Fish keeps it light and mid-tempo; Trey stays in the upper register. I don’t know what Mike’s doing. Probably fucking a groupie.

Heavy Rotation — 5:56
And while we’re talking about songs that get absolutely no rotation, “Heavy Rotation” has ironically only been played three times, and two of those times were in 2022.

I don’t like this song that much. I guess this is a Page McConnell original that the rest of the band was like “OK, we’ll play this literally once this decade” just to shut him the fuck up. I imagine Page handing Trey the single while crying and wearing a ball gag, Trey whipping him in a leather teddy.

Back on the Train — 9:00
“It took me a long time to get back on the train” is obviously a reference to Trey taking a long time to get back on the wagon after snorting so much cocaine it would’ve given Artie Lange a run for his money.

This version of “Back on the Train” is nothing too special, but I always enjoy the chugga chugga choo choo of the jam that rumbles along on its Type I tracks. Safe and easy stuff. I love not being challenged!

Scabbard –5:37
What the hell is Scabbard? It sounds like a Grateful Dead throwaway that Jerry Garcia played only three times before entering a diabetic coma.

I guess this used to be a Trey Anastasio Band staple until they gave it up and played it only twice during two 2015 Phish shows. So far 07/22/15 is proving to be a little heavy on who-cares songs and not enough everyone-cares songs! Take that one to the bank.

Maze — 10:57
“Maze” is always good, even when it’s not! But a lot of the jam involves Page/Trey interplay, and I can never get enough of Page’s circus organ keyboard setting. Hands down the highlight of Set One and I’m even counting the two songs I haven’t even heard yet! That’s how much faith I have in this “Maze” and I’m always right, so stop fucking arguing with me.

Mercury — 11:02
Yet another debut that will start seeing regular rotation eventually. Some of these lyrics are bordering on happy horseshit, but something about the “The days that are met with onlyness/Aid and abet this loneliness” refrain is catchy and poetic. You know, like lyrics in a song!

The beginnings of the jam are uneasy and cautious as it ramps up to something that resembles musical playfulness by about 4:50. It’s enjoyable like a vacation of Mercury. That is to say, it sounds like cool time. Or a hot time. Whatever, shut up.

Oh wait, there are more lyrics? Does that jam actually start at 7:05? Are there two jams? Preposterous! What is this, two pieces of bread? I’m livid. The audience claps when there are still two minutes and thirty seconds left, because they don’t even know what the fuck is going on either. Let’s tighten this up, Phish. A song about a planet shouldn’t be this difficult to deal with.

Possum — 10:10
What a way to end a set by playing “Possum”? And by that I mean pretending to be dead because this version blows chunks all over my butthole. No way, that’s rude! This is a rousing song, indeed, with most of the emphasis on Page’s fanciful piano over Mike’s throbbing bass. It feels like you’re riding down the road one day and someone hit a possum. Sad, poignant, yet relatable.

Set Two

A Song I Heard the Ocean Sing — 9:13
This song is always a great jam vehicle, and always a good set opener. Trey gets melodic as shit with his solo, downright sounding like a baleful Hendrixian ripoff artist! A harbinger of an excellent Set Two? I sure hope so, you fuckers, because if I’ll be downright pissed if “Waves” brings me out of the ocean and into a sandy beach that’ll shoot all that stuff right into my vagina. Making me crabby.

Waves — 11:30
I’ve always liked the main melody of “Waves”. It sounds pretty watery, you know? Not only watery, but oceany. Like waves in an ocean. It’s like they took this concept and put it to music and succeeded! That’s enough effusiveness for one paragraph.

Jams on “Waves” are never slouches. Trey dances around the higher register while Page sticks around the low. Mike SWIMS around the both of them. Fish hits that cymbal like it’s his wife. What more can I say? Set Two is coming up Milhouse!

Wingsuit — 10:00
Ugh, “Wingsuit”? Set Two is crashing and burning as I write this pitiful sentence.

Sure, it’s a pretty song, but it’s a hell of a momentum killer for the first half. Nobody wants a sleepy tune gunking up a precious Set Two. Put your wingsuit on indeed. And fly off a cliff! Ha!

Trey hits some good high notes though. Real good stuff. I take it all back.

Farmhouse — 6:24
AND THE CROWD GOES MILD. Literally, there is not one clap from the audience when “Farmhouse” starts up because they all know they’re not going to get a tasty, extensive jam from this one. If they’re lucky, they’ll get a solo that doesn’t suck before the band hopefully moves onto some SUBSTANCE.

SUBSTANCE!

Simple — 14:10
“Simple” has the worst riff ever. If you could even call it a “riff”. I certainly did and shouldn’t have. DOO-DOOOO-DO-DO-DO-DOO-DOOO over and over again. Give me a break.

Extended “Simple”s can be fun, though. After the inane bullshit is done at 4:00, the guys play smoothly and sublimely. Mostly, this is driven by Page’s pretty, pretty piano noodlings. I like that guy! The other members of Phish should take a PAGE out of his book, tee hee.

Things get cool around 7:10. They maintain this steady mid-temp groove, Page turns on his organ widget, and Fish flutters the snare here and there. It makes me want to get up and dance, but since I’m white I won’t.

First Tube — 9:32
It takes a while for the jam to settle in, but it finally uproots from the “First Jam” syncopated opener and starts soaring around 3:30. Which is great, because the last thing that I experienced soaring was MY CHOLESTEROL! ARE YOU WITH ME ON THAT, FELLAS??

The show’s almost over. Everyone get your piss breaks in now, the encore is starting up in about a minute.

Encore

Bathtub Gin– 12:19
Speaking of piss, nothing like an entire bathtub full of gin to flush out those pipes something fierce. I always like hearing what Page is going to come up with during the free jazz piano opening, but this was underwhelming. A whole “Bathtub Gin” ruined already!

So next it’s about how clean Trey plays the breakdown. Pretty clean! Oh wait, he flubbed that one. And that one. Oh well, can’t get them all!

Then next it’s about the jam itself. Really gets the blood pumping! Really gets the crowd going for more! More! More! Wait, the show’s over.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 – “The Young and the Brave”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 – “The Young and the Brave”!

Preamble not necessary. Continue with the DC Rebirth era!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934 [August, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Young and the Brave”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934

GOTHAM CITY. TWO DAYS AGO. A red man clad in a red hood with a tattered red cape is standing quite redly on a window ledge at the top of a skyscraper. “Azrael,” says a voice from above, perhaps God or Reverse Satan. “It’s over.”

“Do you expect me to run?” sneers Azrael.

“No,” sneers the voice from above. It belongs to Batman. It’s Batman. Batman is speaking now.

Something busts through the window from the inside, blasting Azrael off the ledge and into the river below. Then he’s suddenly in some sort of smoky void. “I cannot do what you ask of me,” Azrael gripes. “I will not. To answer to a higher power.”

Batman looks menacing in the smoke with his beady cowled eyes and the bat ears that look like devil horns. “Then let’s send you on your way to meet him.”

Azrael tries to take out one of those Darth Maul double-ended lightsabers, but he gets thrown back by a bolt of electricity. “Heaven help me,” he says. I’ll tell you this much: this issue sucks ass so far. Especially the next page where I get a leaping, full-page Batman crotch shot complete with lumps and everything. I don’t like it!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934

“Batman! We’re all out of granola!” “HH.”

So he doesn’t get to know right away who exploded the top of the skyscraper. Big fuckin’ whoop. There are other things at stake right now, like that drone over there that was left behind to watch Batman. *throws Batarang at it*

“Whoever this is, they wanted me to see what they were capable of,” Batman says. Azrael tries to hoist himself up in the rubble while a big crucifix hangs on a cathedral wall behind him. “Azrael… who did this to you?”

“You did.”

Well, fuck me sideways! What a reveal! If I had any idea what the fuck was happening in this issue, I’d be floored! Floored!

Fast forward two days, which would make it the very real present. Batwoman is swinging around town while talking to her dad on the ol’ cellular phone. They talk about their rough patch with enough exposition dialogue to choke a horse. He asks her what she has accomplished in the past few months. Batwoman tells him that she’s got a third date with a woman named Rachele! Dad does not like this flippant answer, and he’s ready to send Batwoman to her room. “You’re too good at what you do to be wasted picking up Batman’s second-hand scraps.”

Kate “Batwoman” “Sloppy Seconds” Kane.

She was a cadet in the army, and she’d be leading her own squadron now if she didn’t feel like swinging around in a costume instead. If she’s not going to be in the military anymore, then at least let Dear Ol’ Dad help you, kiddo? Please? He’ll give you a crisp dollar bill!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934

The world’s pointiest cockring?

Kate Kane shimmies out of her Batwoman jammies and enters her apartment, where she is mortified to find Batman waiting for her to show her the bat-shaped drone camera thing. “You may have heard about the destruction at St. Michael’s two nights ago. What you didn’t hear about was the young man who was beaten within an inch of his life.”

BORING! Who cares, Batman? There’s a Salisbury steak in the freezer with Kate’s name on it and she’s not about to let you ruin her stacked night.

Azrael is Jean-Paul Valley, and I already know that! Good for me! “I’ve read his journals. He believed himself hunted. The journals read like paranoia, talk of great conspiracy that threatened Gotham…”

Kate is impressed by the drone, which Batman claims is constructed of technology ten years ahead. So, basically, it’s like the iPhone 18 coming out in 2026 with the clearer camera and not much else. It wasn’t the only drone, either. Batman cracked into it’s mainframe and downloaded an internet that told him that it’s just one in a swarm. Kate asks why he’s telling her all this. It’s because they’re watching everyone. Batman, Batwoman, Robin, John Waters. “Someone has plans for Gotham’s vigilantes…”

Batman wants to take the clan in for training, but since Kate has a 5th-degree black belt in army-ology she resents the notion that she needs any training at all. But, she misunderstood. He doesn’t want to train her! He wants her to help train the others! Doy!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934

If you reference this elaborate family tree I made out of construction paper, glue, and glitter, I believe you’ll find everything is in order her.

After Bruce admits that he needs her help, Kate warms up to the idea. “So where are the recruits?” she smiles. Bingo bango! Let’s get these pussies to boot camp, baby!

At the Bay Street Seaport, a group of Penguin’s men attempt to steal $18,000,000 from a beached baby whale, but they are stopped by Stephanie Brown dressed as the Cluemaster! Whoever that is. Sounds like Riddler’s archenemy to me, all hell of givin’ clues to people for his riddles. “She’s been trained by Catwoman,” says the narration; probably Batman. Sounds like the Cluemaster has all the tools she needs to suck really hard, then, “and raised two veritable geniuses. I’ve made the mistake of underestimating her, and I won’t do it again. She’s unrefined, but determined.”

Then Robin comes out to smack a goon with a bo staff. Red Robin, rather. Tim Drake himself will be operating as Cluemaster’s lieutenant. And he’s not happy with Cluemaster right now. “I thought we agreed you would tell me when you started targeting A-List villains,” he scolds. She’s not having it. They fight like an old married couple and fuck like an old married couple also. I’m assuming. I know nothing of their history. Red Robin, you say? I used to like that restaurant!

After beating off Penguin’s cronies, Red Robin tells Cluemaster that “he got the letter”. They’re about ready to make celebration plans until Batman and Batwoman show up to draft them into the Butthead Army.

At a place called the Cauldron, we have Cassandra Cain stopping what looks like child trafficking. “She was engineered by her father away from other children to be a human weapon. Her first language was violence,” Batman says DRAMATICALLY. She goes by “Orphan” and she’s good at beat-’em-ups and we hope to have her on the team if we ask really nicely. She’s in the middle of slaughtering some bad guys and saving some children when Batman’s crew tells her to stop. Stop fighting crime! Stop fighting crime and come with us!

From the Theater District we find Clayface, a lumbering ogre who busted out of Arkham just to scare people out of the theater so he could have the place to himself.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #934

“I used to be a piece of ass, if you can believe it!

Clayface wants to see a movie starring himself, Basil Karlo, before he turned into Jabba the Hutt. He was going to win an Oscar for his performance in Double Fisted Ass Sluts 3 but then the accident happened. “It’s not a long movie,” he says, begging Batman to let him watch his handsome, non-busted face smile on the big screen. “84 minutes, with credits. Just let me be that person for a bit longer. I won’t even put up a fight…”

No deal. Get in the fucking van.

Batman tells Clayface that he can give him is life back as long as he does everything Batman and Batwoman say. And that includes chores and a litany of sexual favors.

Now that the dream team has assembled, Batman and Batwoman addresses them all in front of the Batsignal. Time to get trained! “You have earned Batman’s trust. You have not earned mine,” Batwoman says like she’s King Cunt of Shitfuck Mountain. “I will be hard on you, because if I am not, you will die.” She’s going to take these nerds to boot camp and stomp their faces in the mud. “Do you want to save Gotham City? Do you want to save the world? Then you are going to follow orders, is that understood?”

First order of business. Red Robin, you get on top and put your mouth here. Orphan, you get on the side and put your hand there. Ooo, that tickles.

The two Bats have their army swinging around ropes connected to nothing. Batwoman has got Batman’s number about all this, says she knows that he’s afraid of something or else he wouldn’t be doing all this. This means that he knows more than he’s letting on. So what is it? Batwoman’s your partner. Spill.

The last shot is a large army of Robot Batmen facing a figure standing behind a rail, who is facing away from the reading audience (you and me!) This thus-far-unknown figure is building an army. An army of Batmen. Batmen to stop the Batman. And he looks like he’s already ready to fuck shit up.

lol!

Final Thoughts

I love it when a team of superheroes I’ve never heard of before gets assembled. It really adds to my investment in the characters when some no-name like Ratfuck the Destroyer gets hurt and/or doesn’t get hurt.

Someone should shove Red Robin’s head in the toilet and kick him in the butt. He didn’t even do anything yet and already I want him gone.


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Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

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Welcome to the Bongo Comics Box! Today’s feature: Simpsons Comics #2! We’re really rolling on these fast, aren’t we, ladies and gentlemen? Like, one every six fucking months. I’ll finish these completely when I’m 170 years old.

Bongo Nostalgia Corner

A rare issue! One of the only classic pre-Issue #50 Simpsons Comics that I didn’t own until much later simply because I never could find it. I chased it down while I was in college, I believe, along with the two or three others I didn’t have either. The copy I got was in what I would call moderate condition, and I probably only read it twice.

Ergo, I’m going in this one half-blind and I’ll probably hate it purely because I don’t have any rose-tinted nostalgia goggles for it. Let’s get it over with quick before I change my mind on the whole Bongo Comics project altogether!

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2 [January, 1994]
Written by: Steve Vance
“Cool Hand Bart”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

The cover, on the other hand, I know very well. Blue bricks, scared Bart, a Sideshow Bob shadow. Certainly, this is going to be another adventure with everyone’s favorite Kelsey Grammer-voiced murderer! Or, rather, attempted murderer. The only thing Sideshow Bob ever murdered was our sides! BECAUSE HE SPLIT THEM! Hee hee hee!!

We think Bart’s getting chased off-panel by the vengeful Krusty sidekick, but it’s Principal “I Am a Weiner” Skinner chasing Bart down the halls of the school after defacing the beloved school puma statue with the spraypainted words “Puky Puma sez Skinner is a weiner”.

Bart decides to try laying low in the cafeteria where Groundskeeper Willie is vacuuming up a drum of radioactive freeze-dried gruel. “She’ll get rid o’ more toxic waste afore breakfast than any lead-britches-wearin’ bunch o’ mama’s boys can flush down the sewer in a fortnight!”

So, certainly, Skinner barrels right into Groundskeeper Willie’s vet-dry vac and gets himself tangled up and hanging from an overhead fluorescent light. The end of the vacuum sucks on Skinner’s hair, and Bart is astute enough to point out that Skinner in fact does not wear a toupee. Unlike that space nerd William Shatner!

Skinner gets himself down and grabs Bart by the scruff. A simple detention won’t do it this time, oh no. Perhaps a ritual caning on Bart’s supple buttocks is in order! Barring that… uh, well, he doesn’t really know you. Also, Milhouse has detention too for being an accomplice and looking like a geek. “Let this be a lesson to you, young man – we’re judged by the company we keep,” Skinner says walking away. “Besides, arbitrary punishment is a prerogitave of power.”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Agnes Skinner, famously a fountain of good information.

Skinner regroups in his office and gets out the ol’ glue. During a small pow-wow, Willie inadvertently gives him an idea. Skinner’s eyes point in different directions, the universal illustration for maniacal ideas. “Make room in the trophy case – the award is in the bag! I’m sending those boys to… SCARED SPITLESS.”

And lo’ it shall be done. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney are bussed over to Springfield State Prison the next morning! DON’T DROP THE SOAP! AHAHAHAHA!!! “You’re here to participate in the toughest anti-delinquency program known to man! It’s called Scared Spitless!” Skinner smiles.

In charge of Shitted Shitless will be Chief Clancy Wiggum, coming in at a respectable 304 pounds! “We have a saying in law-enforcement, boys: ‘a frightened citizen is a law-abiding citizen.'” This fucking cop is eating a fucking donut. Typical. Bart imagines himself in a standoff with the police: “You’ll never take me alive, coppers! I’ve seen the inside of a cell – I’d rather die than do time!”

“Wow!” Bart jubilates. Bart has a bright future ahead of him if he has anything to do with it! What do we think his crime was? Passion? Dismembering children? Embezzling money from GE Electric?

Wiggum sits all the kids in chairs and presents them with Snake, their guest speaker for the day. He’s going to provide all the no-poppycock ins and outs of life in the slammer! “C’mon, Seymour, let’s hit the guards’ lounge before all the crullers are gone!”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Yeah, uh, is this a post-Futurama FOX?

Snake provides an enriching learning experience. “…and another thing – if you’re stealing a getaway car, be sure it has gas in the tank.” He’s just about to explain how he stole a spoon from the cafeteria to make his tattoos when Chief Wiggum returns for the next phase of the Shitted Shitless program: getting locked the fuck up. “Take ‘em away, boys!”

Two boys to a cell. We see Nelson and Kearney beating up their cellmate. We see Jimbo and Dolph gambling with theirs. Bart and Milhouse appear to be alone in theirs…

KZZZZZZIIIIKKK! The power in the prison goes out. “Whoa! Somebody must be getting the chair right now!” Jimbo says in awe.

Wiggum overloaded the circuit with his coffee pot. BUT, this provides an opportune time for Bart and Milhouse to sneak around the cell to get a handle for their cellmate. Springfield Review of Books Magazine. Ed’s Really Big Shoe catalog. Shakespeare sonnets. A dart board with Krusty the Clown’s face on it…

A list on the wall:

THINGS TO DO:

1. Kill Bart Simpson

2. Hire New Attorney

“Eep!” Bart swallows while the shadow of his palm-tree-haired nemesis approaches the cell.

And if you haven’t guessed who it is yet, it’s Fran Drescher.

Bart and Milhouse attempt to escape through the barred window. “Hurry, Bart!” Milhouse goads. “He hates you for sending him to jail all those times. If he catches you, he’ll kill you!”

Thank you, Exposition Dialogue Vehicle.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Not even Simpsons Comics, Issue #2 which guest stars a devilishly handsome prison inmate??

Bart is able to scramble into a van that’s heading out of the prison… to a work farm… where Sideshow Bob is also heading… and, like, oh no, man, that’s not cool news.

There are a lot of Cool Hand Luke references from this point forward that I bet was just totally dope with the kids back in 1994. I’m going to ignore them.

“Looks like we got an extry man here, boss!” yells a guard as he grabs Bart by the scruff.

“Reckon this one makes up fer the feller we lost in Festerin’ Swamp yesterday,” says Mr. Boss. They add Bart to the chaingang right next to…

EEP!

SIDESHOW…

EEP!

BOB.

“Hello, Bart,” he says icily while Bart poops his shorts.

So they get to work. The chaingang sings with awful grammar, which causes Kelsey “Grammar Spelled Wrong” Grammer to complain about the grammar. And, in a fantastic plot hole, Sideshow Bob runs to a dump truck with Bart still chained to his leg and steals it. The guards don’t stop him. And they get away.

At one point, they hop on a train. It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Now that’s what I call a TRAIN OF THOUGHT! Loll loll loolll

“This just in,” Kent Brockman blares over the TV. “Celebrity convict Sideshow Bob escaped from the Springfield Maximum Security Work Camp just minutes ago, along with an unidentified accomplice.”

Homer is eating pork rinds. He’s all like “woo hoo d’oh”. Let’s move on.

Sideshow Bob continues to try killing Bart in broad daylight, but ol’ Smart Bart wisely tells him that he’ll be dragging Bart’s dead weight all over town. And he’ll be caught for sure. Bob thinks about this and agrees that it a sound reason to keep the boy alive. For now!

The police are seen blaring down the road, so Sideshow Bob, with Bart in tow, starts hoofing it to the swamp. “It’s full of hideous dangers, but perhaps we can lose them there!”

So they make it through the hideous dangers and lose the cops there. On the other side is a street with a hardware store: “ANNUAL HACKSAW SALE!” What luck. Maybe they can get a few hacksaws for fun, and, oh yeah, they can cut off the chain too while they’re at it I guess.

Since the police are chilling out in front of the hardware store, Bob grimaces at his misfortune and decides to try to OUTSMART THE COPS. But how can he do that when Springfield has the most cunning cops in the tri-state area?? I’m askin’!

Bart and Bob round the corner to an alley and ditch their work shirts in the dumpster. Bob finds a hat and celebrates his serendipitous chance to hide his wild hair, but he does his classic Sideshow Bob shudder when he sees that it declares one’s love for Krusty the Klown. Certainly embarrassing to say both the least and the most.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Sideshow Bob’s lucky. Usually you need about 400 Pepsi Points to get that hat.

While Bob shops for the perfect hacksaw, Wiggum and Lou enter the store. “I need to borrow one of those thingies to open a car door. We locked our keys in the patrol car, and that siren’ll run down the battery if we don’t hurry,” Wiggum mumbles. The 14-year-old pimple-face behind the counter says that the owner will have to charge them if it happens the fourth time this week.

Wiggum confronts Bob and tells him… that… there’s an escaped convict on the loose, so watch yourself. OK, sir, thank you. Suddenly, Bob’s cover is blown, or sucked rather, when Bart takes a wet/dry vac and sucks that hat right off of Bob’s noggin! Looks like Springfield is safe once again!

“Nice work, kid!” says Wiggum. “I heard about that little mix-up that got you stuck on the chain gang, and, on the advice of the department’s lawyers, I’d like to offer a sincere apology.”

Bart is grand enough to accept the apology, and now we can all go home knowing that everything is back the way it should be!

Except that Milhouse is still in jail! Ha! The end.

Hey! We’re not done! Click for Simpson Comics, Issue #2’s back-up story!

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 – “Carnage (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 – “Carnage (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Curt Connors sits down with Peter Parker and has a frank discussion about how he wants to use his super-powered spidery blood to advance his research in the field of genetics so that he can get a grant so that he can make money and stop eating Stouffer’s TV dinners every night in his white tank top undershirt. Parker eventually grants his blessing, and now Curt Connors is incubating some sort of monster in a tube. That will work out well for everyone and no one is going to get hurt or killed or traumatized or lacerated in the process. Definitely not all four at once, of course.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 [September, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 3)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Professor of Science and Pseudoscience and Cryptozoology Ben Reilly enters the laboratory at Empire State University and is welcomed by a shock! The stasis tube is empty of creepy monsters. “Uh, what the–?” he says stupidly. He immediately calls Connors and asks him if he took the monster out of the tube for a little stroll around the park or something. “We’ve been robbed!” he yelps. Connors is panicking himself. Did anyone tell anyone anything about anything? They sincerely hope not!

Screams from the stairwell interrupt the phone conversation. Reilly finds a group of people staring down the stairs at a deceased security guard who looks like his face is melting off his… well, face. “AAAIIEEE!!” screams a woman or possibly Ned Flanders. Everyone standing around is like “who could have done something like this” while Reilly boggles and is now a murderer by association!

Meanwhile, at the Queens Center Mall food court, MJ spots Gwen hanging out by herself. “Oh, my God. It’s true. Gwen Stacy is at the mall. I thought I was hallucinatin’,” she says, pronouncing “hallucinating” like a bumpkin. Gwen makes fun of MJ’s fry cook clothing; MJ’s the newest hire at Big Easy Cajun, don’t ya know? “My dad left my mom, as you know, and so goes my allowance. So I got a job.” Good for you, girl. Learn the value of a dollar! Build that character! Get crushed with disillusionment by Corporate America!

Suddenly, this little conversation fails the Bechdel test when they start talking about smelly pants Peter Parker. Since it’s MJ’s break, they sit in the food court and talk all manner of how Parker is Spider-Man and that they both know that now.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

The way that you can see his miniscule package through his tight spandex speedo thing drives the ladies WILD!

MJ gets to talk about the stuff that worries her, and the stuff that traumatized her. Like that time she almost died (INSERT LINK TO THAT ISSUE HERE EVEN THOUGH I’LL NEVER FIND IT, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST DEAL WITH NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT). It didn’t occur to Gwen that she might almost die! That sucks wangs.

Then MJ and Gwen talk about how there’s been a certain tension between them ever since Gwen moved into the Parker household, but don’t you worry your pretty little red head about it. Gwen thinks Parker smells like zucchini, and Parker doesn’t like blondes. “He adores you, MJ. He doesn’t even look twice at me.” Gwen flashes a huge smile showing ten rows of white teeth. “He doesn’t even do that thing guys do where they check out my butt when I walk by… and I have such a great butt.”

Mmm-hmm. Well, that puts MJ about .005% more at ease. Gwen tells her to relax, she and Parker aren’t a thing, they never will be, and she might even be a lesbian. No fooling! Then they laugh and break the tension and MJ goes back to accidentally deep-frying her face.

Let’s turn to a creepy alley in the dead of night. A couple are walking by arguing about who is severely damaged and who is always so angry when they hear a rustling behind a dumpster. “What is that?” says the woman after she spots some strange blobby red humanoid thing (THAT ESCAPED FROM A TUBE, EEK).

“Is that a kid?” the woman says.

“It looks hurt,” says the man.

“Should we help it?”

“Uh, no.”

“No? We should help – hello?”

“We’ll call the cops.”

“Hello? Little boy? Are you hurt?”

Then the Stasis Tube Baby splats the dude’s face with its weird splatty hand.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Oh no! Blood bukkake!

The woman screams as Statis Tube Baby starts feeding on the guy or something. Then it thwaps the woman’s legs and drags her into the darkness of the alley while she screams things like “no” and “help”.

Soon, they become these desiccated melty-faced corpses and everyone lives happily ever after.

After the carnage is duly over, we get a full page shot of the Statis Baby’s final form! It looks like that time when Venom was being a jerk. That’s what the Stasis Baby looks like now. It looks simply horrifying. Damn you, Peter Parker’s blood! Damn you!

The next morning, the crime scene is flanked by gawkers while the police do the “NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG” spiel. Curt Connors is there among the crowd looking positively shocked and awed. The Dean of the college is complaining to the police that the media circus is bad for business while Connors tries to get her attention. “This is Doctor Curt Connors,” the Dean says to the police while Connors bites his lower lip, eyes popping. “He’s on staff. This is the building his lab is–”

“And where were you this evening, doctor?” the policewoman asks Connors, cutting the Dean off like a Rude Gus. Connors has an alibi and they move on. “What happened?” Connors asks as if he didn’t already know exactly what the fuck happened.

There’s a whole sequence of the Venom Beast swinging around the city on his web-like appendages while flashes of Parker’s own memories from his own eyeballs flicker across his mind. Parker looking at MJ. Parker holding her hand. All his friends, his family, his enemies, Dead Uncle Ben, pictures of Spider-Man, and every pornographic video he has ever watched after downloading them from KaZaA using his 56k modem connection.

With this information, he knows where to go home…

It’s late at night, though, of course, and Gwen forgot her house key. Aww shucks! She tries the basement doors in the back of the house, but they’re locked too. Then she hears rustling in the nearby bushes.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Nothing to see here but us two ominous yellow lights!

It’s not Peter, dearie. Oh no no no, far from it. It’s Venom Beast and he wraps about six tendrils around the girl, choking her, pulling her in… then the beast’s face turns from this horrible visage to this image of a sad little boy.

The boy looks just like Peter Parker!

Then Venom Beast instantly lets Gwen go and scampers back into the bushes.

Final Thoughts

This was a good issue! You know why? Because Peter Parker wasn’t even in it! Ha! See you next time!


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Season 9, Episode 15 – “Das Bus”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 15 - Das Bus

“Das Bus”

Original Air Date:
February 15, 1998
Directed by:
Pete Michels
Written by:
David X. Cohen

QUICK SYNOPSIS

While the kids become stranded on a desert island, Homer attempts to cash in on the Internet.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

James Earl Jones shows up as a voiceover to wrap up the episode with the worst ending any Simpsons episode has ever had. ALTHOUGH, I’ve never actually read Lord of the Flies and I read that this episode’s ending falls in line with how the book ended. Still though, it made me really mad when I was a puny little punk 10-year-old.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

I like “Das Bus”, but it’s a really stupid name for the episode. I would have named it something like “Blord of the Flies”, which is a dumb name but it’s a much better name than “Das Bus”. After all, it’s only marginally about a bus. Mostly, it’s about almost all of the named students at Springfield Elementary stuck in a grim Lord of the Flies scenario.

The A-plot of the children, as elementary school Model U.N. representatives going on a field trip, getting stuck on an island is so out-there as a concept in the first place that I can readily excuse any zaniness associated with it. Especially since the jokes were decent. Hey, as long as the out-there concepts are packed with actual good humor (think “Deep Space Homer”), anything can and should be excused! And to me, the ridiculousness of Otto getting swept out to sea (“Zeppelin ruuuuuuuuules…”) and caught by a foreign slaver ship is hilarious in the context of an episode grounded in its own reality rules. Therefore, I can excuse the fact that a remote, tropical island is less than a mile away from the Springfield Bridge. Wait a minute. Can I?

I could have done without most of the B-plot. Homer starting his own Internet company was definitely a fresh story in early 1998, but we really don’t see anything come of this. Homer’s interaction with Comic Book Guy is the best part (“Can I have some money now?”), but the whole story otherwise seems like a vehicle for the Bill Gates gag. In short, very forgettable! But it least it gave me two things: 1) Homer was savvy enough to design and purchase ad space on… er, Star Trek: Voyager-themed pronographic websites, and 2) the phase “Maude, eh?” which my sister and I still say to each other all these years later.

The deus ex machina ending is terrible, but since the ending of Lord of the Flies is reportedly equally terrible, I can excuse it if it’s meant to be a self-aware stab at the source material. In fact, I’ll give it even more points for that! Eat shit, William Golding.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 15 - Das Bus

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

To make the fishermen’s speech as accurate as possible, David X. Cohen called a friend who spoke Mandarin. When the Chinese actors came, the actors did not feel Mandarin was geographically appropriate, and it was changed to Cantonese, which is spoken more in China’s coastal regions and would be more appropriate for sailors and fishermen.
To put this in even more context, David X. Cohen is an enormous nerd who stuffs Futurama episodes with jokes about linear algebra and the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. He’ll spend hours agonizing over the realism of a throwaway joke in an episode of a show about kids wanting to kill each other with spears on a deserted island.

The title is deliberate incorrect German; “bus” is a masculine noun in German.
Yeah. “Deliberate”. Okay.

According to the audio commentary, the episode originally just showed Otto being carried away by the current. The writers admitted that that would have actually been less cruel than the final version.
I think I’m gonna like it on this boat!

FINAL GRADE
B+


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