Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

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Welcome to the Bongo Comics Box! Today’s feature: Simpsons Comics #2! We’re really rolling on these fast, aren’t we, ladies and gentlemen? Like, one every six fucking months. I’ll finish these completely when I’m 170 years old.

Bongo Nostalgia Corner

A rare issue! One of the only classic pre-Issue #50 Simpsons Comics that I didn’t own until much later simply because I never could find it. I chased it down while I was in college, I believe, along with the two or three others I didn’t have either. The copy I got was in what I would call moderate condition, and I probably only read it twice.

Ergo, I’m going in this one half-blind and I’ll probably hate it purely because I don’t have any rose-tinted nostalgia goggles for it. Let’s get it over with quick before I change my mind on the whole Bongo Comics project altogether!

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2 [January, 1994]
Written by: Steve Vance
“Cool Hand Bart”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

The cover, on the other hand, I know very well. Blue bricks, scared Bart, a Sideshow Bob shadow. Certainly, this is going to be another adventure with everyone’s favorite Kelsey Grammer-voiced murderer! Or, rather, attempted murderer. The only thing Sideshow Bob ever murdered was our sides! BECAUSE HE SPLIT THEM! Hee hee hee!!

We think Bart’s getting chased off-panel by the vengeful Krusty sidekick, but it’s Principal “I Am a Weiner” Skinner chasing Bart down the halls of the school after defacing the beloved school puma statue with the spraypainted words “Puky Puma sez Skinner is a weiner”.

Bart decides to try laying low in the cafeteria where Groundskeeper Willie is vacuuming up a drum of radioactive freeze-dried gruel. “She’ll get rid o’ more toxic waste afore breakfast than any lead-britches-wearin’ bunch o’ mama’s boys can flush down the sewer in a fortnight!”

So, certainly, Skinner barrels right into Groundskeeper Willie’s vet-dry vac and gets himself tangled up and hanging from an overhead fluorescent light. The end of the vacuum sucks on Skinner’s hair, and Bart is astute enough to point out that Skinner in fact does not wear a toupee. Unlike that space nerd William Shatner!

Skinner gets himself down and grabs Bart by the scruff. A simple detention won’t do it this time, oh no. Perhaps a ritual caning on Bart’s supple buttocks is in order! Barring that… uh, well, he doesn’t really know you. Also, Milhouse has detention too for being an accomplice and looking like a geek. “Let this be a lesson to you, young man – we’re judged by the company we keep,” Skinner says walking away. “Besides, arbitrary punishment is a prerogitave of power.”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Agnes Skinner, famously a fountain of good information.

Skinner regroups in his office and gets out the ol’ glue. During a small pow-wow, Willie inadvertently gives him an idea. Skinner’s eyes point in different directions, the universal illustration for maniacal ideas. “Make room in the trophy case – the award is in the bag! I’m sending those boys to… SCARED SPITLESS.”

And lo’ it shall be done. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney are bussed over to Springfield State Prison the next morning! DON’T DROP THE SOAP! AHAHAHAHA!!! “You’re here to participate in the toughest anti-delinquency program known to man! It’s called Scared Spitless!” Skinner smiles.

In charge of Shitted Shitless will be Chief Clancy Wiggum, coming in at a respectable 304 pounds! “We have a saying in law-enforcement, boys: ‘a frightened citizen is a law-abiding citizen.'” This fucking cop is eating a fucking donut. Typical. Bart imagines himself in a standoff with the police: “You’ll never take me alive, coppers! I’ve seen the inside of a cell – I’d rather die than do time!”

“Wow!” Bart jubilates. Bart has a bright future ahead of him if he has anything to do with it! What do we think his crime was? Passion? Dismembering children? Embezzling money from GE Electric?

Wiggum sits all the kids in chairs and presents them with Snake, their guest speaker for the day. He’s going to provide all the no-poppycock ins and outs of life in the slammer! “C’mon, Seymour, let’s hit the guards’ lounge before all the crullers are gone!”

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Yeah, uh, is this a post-Futurama FOX?

Snake provides an enriching learning experience. “…and another thing – if you’re stealing a getaway car, be sure it has gas in the tank.” He’s just about to explain how he stole a spoon from the cafeteria to make his tattoos when Chief Wiggum returns for the next phase of the Shitted Shitless program: getting locked the fuck up. “Take ‘em away, boys!”

Two boys to a cell. We see Nelson and Kearney beating up their cellmate. We see Jimbo and Dolph gambling with theirs. Bart and Milhouse appear to be alone in theirs…

KZZZZZZIIIIKKK! The power in the prison goes out. “Whoa! Somebody must be getting the chair right now!” Jimbo says in awe.

Wiggum overloaded the circuit with his coffee pot. BUT, this provides an opportune time for Bart and Milhouse to sneak around the cell to get a handle for their cellmate. Springfield Review of Books Magazine. Ed’s Really Big Shoe catalog. Shakespeare sonnets. A dart board with Krusty the Clown’s face on it…

A list on the wall:

THINGS TO DO:

1. Kill Bart Simpson

2. Hire New Attorney

“Eep!” Bart swallows while the shadow of his palm-tree-haired nemesis approaches the cell.

And if you haven’t guessed who it is yet, it’s Fran Drescher.

Bart and Milhouse attempt to escape through the barred window. “Hurry, Bart!” Milhouse goads. “He hates you for sending him to jail all those times. If he catches you, he’ll kill you!”

Thank you, Exposition Dialogue Vehicle.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Not even Simpsons Comics, Issue #2 which guest stars a devilishly handsome prison inmate??

Bart is able to scramble into a van that’s heading out of the prison… to a work farm… where Sideshow Bob is also heading… and, like, oh no, man, that’s not cool news.

There are a lot of Cool Hand Luke references from this point forward that I bet was just totally dope with the kids back in 1994. I’m going to ignore them.

“Looks like we got an extry man here, boss!” yells a guard as he grabs Bart by the scruff.

“Reckon this one makes up fer the feller we lost in Festerin’ Swamp yesterday,” says Mr. Boss. They add Bart to the chaingang right next to…

EEP!

SIDESHOW…

EEP!

BOB.

“Hello, Bart,” he says icily while Bart poops his shorts.

So they get to work. The chaingang sings with awful grammar, which causes Kelsey “Grammar Spelled Wrong” Grammer to complain about the grammar. And, in a fantastic plot hole, Sideshow Bob runs to a dump truck with Bart still chained to his leg and steals it. The guards don’t stop him. And they get away.

At one point, they hop on a train. It doesn’t go well for one of them.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Now that’s what I call a TRAIN OF THOUGHT! Loll loll loolll

“This just in,” Kent Brockman blares over the TV. “Celebrity convict Sideshow Bob escaped from the Springfield Maximum Security Work Camp just minutes ago, along with an unidentified accomplice.”

Homer is eating pork rinds. He’s all like “woo hoo d’oh”. Let’s move on.

Sideshow Bob continues to try killing Bart in broad daylight, but ol’ Smart Bart wisely tells him that he’ll be dragging Bart’s dead weight all over town. And he’ll be caught for sure. Bob thinks about this and agrees that it a sound reason to keep the boy alive. For now!

The police are seen blaring down the road, so Sideshow Bob, with Bart in tow, starts hoofing it to the swamp. “It’s full of hideous dangers, but perhaps we can lose them there!”

So they make it through the hideous dangers and lose the cops there. On the other side is a street with a hardware store: “ANNUAL HACKSAW SALE!” What luck. Maybe they can get a few hacksaws for fun, and, oh yeah, they can cut off the chain too while they’re at it I guess.

Since the police are chilling out in front of the hardware store, Bob grimaces at his misfortune and decides to try to OUTSMART THE COPS. But how can he do that when Springfield has the most cunning cops in the tri-state area?? I’m askin’!

Bart and Bob round the corner to an alley and ditch their work shirts in the dumpster. Bob finds a hat and celebrates his serendipitous chance to hide his wild hair, but he does his classic Sideshow Bob shudder when he sees that it declares one’s love for Krusty the Klown. Certainly embarrassing to say both the least and the most.

Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

Sideshow Bob’s lucky. Usually you need about 400 Pepsi Points to get that hat.

While Bob shops for the perfect hacksaw, Wiggum and Lou enter the store. “I need to borrow one of those thingies to open a car door. We locked our keys in the patrol car, and that siren’ll run down the battery if we don’t hurry,” Wiggum mumbles. The 14-year-old pimple-face behind the counter says that the owner will have to charge them if it happens the fourth time this week.

Wiggum confronts Bob and tells him… that… there’s an escaped convict on the loose, so watch yourself. OK, sir, thank you. Suddenly, Bob’s cover is blown, or sucked rather, when Bart takes a wet/dry vac and sucks that hat right off of Bob’s noggin! Looks like Springfield is safe once again!

“Nice work, kid!” says Wiggum. “I heard about that little mix-up that got you stuck on the chain gang, and, on the advice of the department’s lawyers, I’d like to offer a sincere apology.”

Bart is grand enough to accept the apology, and now we can all go home knowing that everything is back the way it should be!

Except that Milhouse is still in jail! Ha! The end.

Hey! We’re not done! Click for Simpson Comics, Issue #2’s back-up story!

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 – “Carnage (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Carnage storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 – “Carnage (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Curt Connors sits down with Peter Parker and has a frank discussion about how he wants to use his super-powered spidery blood to advance his research in the field of genetics so that he can get a grant so that he can make money and stop eating Stouffer’s TV dinners every night in his white tank top undershirt. Parker eventually grants his blessing, and now Curt Connors is incubating some sort of monster in a tube. That will work out well for everyone and no one is going to get hurt or killed or traumatized or lacerated in the process. Definitely not all four at once, of course.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62 [September, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 3)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Professor of Science and Pseudoscience and Cryptozoology Ben Reilly enters the laboratory at Empire State University and is welcomed by a shock! The stasis tube is empty of creepy monsters. “Uh, what the–?” he says stupidly. He immediately calls Connors and asks him if he took the monster out of the tube for a little stroll around the park or something. “We’ve been robbed!” he yelps. Connors is panicking himself. Did anyone tell anyone anything about anything? They sincerely hope not!

Screams from the stairwell interrupt the phone conversation. Reilly finds a group of people staring down the stairs at a deceased security guard who looks like his face is melting off his… well, face. “AAAIIEEE!!” screams a woman or possibly Ned Flanders. Everyone standing around is like “who could have done something like this” while Reilly boggles and is now a murderer by association!

Meanwhile, at the Queens Center Mall food court, MJ spots Gwen hanging out by herself. “Oh, my God. It’s true. Gwen Stacy is at the mall. I thought I was hallucinatin’,” she says, pronouncing “hallucinating” like a bumpkin. Gwen makes fun of MJ’s fry cook clothing; MJ’s the newest hire at Big Easy Cajun, don’t ya know? “My dad left my mom, as you know, and so goes my allowance. So I got a job.” Good for you, girl. Learn the value of a dollar! Build that character! Get crushed with disillusionment by Corporate America!

Suddenly, this little conversation fails the Bechdel test when they start talking about smelly pants Peter Parker. Since it’s MJ’s break, they sit in the food court and talk all manner of how Parker is Spider-Man and that they both know that now.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

The way that you can see his miniscule package through his tight spandex speedo thing drives the ladies WILD!

MJ gets to talk about the stuff that worries her, and the stuff that traumatized her. Like that time she almost died (INSERT LINK TO THAT ISSUE HERE EVEN THOUGH I’LL NEVER FIND IT, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST DEAL WITH NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT). It didn’t occur to Gwen that she might almost die! That sucks wangs.

Then MJ and Gwen talk about how there’s been a certain tension between them ever since Gwen moved into the Parker household, but don’t you worry your pretty little red head about it. Gwen thinks Parker smells like zucchini, and Parker doesn’t like blondes. “He adores you, MJ. He doesn’t even look twice at me.” Gwen flashes a huge smile showing ten rows of white teeth. “He doesn’t even do that thing guys do where they check out my butt when I walk by… and I have such a great butt.”

Mmm-hmm. Well, that puts MJ about .005% more at ease. Gwen tells her to relax, she and Parker aren’t a thing, they never will be, and she might even be a lesbian. No fooling! Then they laugh and break the tension and MJ goes back to accidentally deep-frying her face.

Let’s turn to a creepy alley in the dead of night. A couple are walking by arguing about who is severely damaged and who is always so angry when they hear a rustling behind a dumpster. “What is that?” says the woman after she spots some strange blobby red humanoid thing (THAT ESCAPED FROM A TUBE, EEK).

“Is that a kid?” the woman says.

“It looks hurt,” says the man.

“Should we help it?”

“Uh, no.”

“No? We should help – hello?”

“We’ll call the cops.”

“Hello? Little boy? Are you hurt?”

Then the Stasis Tube Baby splats the dude’s face with its weird splatty hand.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Oh no! Blood bukkake!

The woman screams as Statis Tube Baby starts feeding on the guy or something. Then it thwaps the woman’s legs and drags her into the darkness of the alley while she screams things like “no” and “help”.

Soon, they become these desiccated melty-faced corpses and everyone lives happily ever after.

After the carnage is duly over, we get a full page shot of the Statis Baby’s final form! It looks like that time when Venom was being a jerk. That’s what the Stasis Baby looks like now. It looks simply horrifying. Damn you, Peter Parker’s blood! Damn you!

The next morning, the crime scene is flanked by gawkers while the police do the “NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG” spiel. Curt Connors is there among the crowd looking positively shocked and awed. The Dean of the college is complaining to the police that the media circus is bad for business while Connors tries to get her attention. “This is Doctor Curt Connors,” the Dean says to the police while Connors bites his lower lip, eyes popping. “He’s on staff. This is the building his lab is–”

“And where were you this evening, doctor?” the policewoman asks Connors, cutting the Dean off like a Rude Gus. Connors has an alibi and they move on. “What happened?” Connors asks as if he didn’t already know exactly what the fuck happened.

There’s a whole sequence of the Venom Beast swinging around the city on his web-like appendages while flashes of Parker’s own memories from his own eyeballs flicker across his mind. Parker looking at MJ. Parker holding her hand. All his friends, his family, his enemies, Dead Uncle Ben, pictures of Spider-Man, and every pornographic video he has ever watched after downloading them from KaZaA using his 56k modem connection.

With this information, he knows where to go home…

It’s late at night, though, of course, and Gwen forgot her house key. Aww shucks! She tries the basement doors in the back of the house, but they’re locked too. Then she hears rustling in the nearby bushes.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #62

Nothing to see here but us two ominous yellow lights!

It’s not Peter, dearie. Oh no no no, far from it. It’s Venom Beast and he wraps about six tendrils around the girl, choking her, pulling her in… then the beast’s face turns from this horrible visage to this image of a sad little boy.

The boy looks just like Peter Parker!

Then Venom Beast instantly lets Gwen go and scampers back into the bushes.

Final Thoughts

This was a good issue! You know why? Because Peter Parker wasn’t even in it! Ha! See you next time!


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Season 9, Episode 15 – “Das Bus”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 15 - Das Bus

“Das Bus”

Original Air Date:
February 15, 1998
Directed by:
Pete Michels
Written by:
David X. Cohen

QUICK SYNOPSIS

While the kids become stranded on a desert island, Homer attempts to cash in on the Internet.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

James Earl Jones shows up as a voiceover to wrap up the episode with the worst ending any Simpsons episode has ever had. ALTHOUGH, I’ve never actually read Lord of the Flies and I read that this episode’s ending falls in line with how the book ended. Still though, it made me really mad when I was a puny little punk 10-year-old.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

I like “Das Bus”, but it’s a really stupid name for the episode. I would have named it something like “Blord of the Flies”, which is a dumb name but it’s a much better name than “Das Bus”. After all, it’s only marginally about a bus. Mostly, it’s about almost all of the named students at Springfield Elementary stuck in a grim Lord of the Flies scenario.

The A-plot of the children, as elementary school Model U.N. representatives going on a field trip, getting stuck on an island is so out-there as a concept in the first place that I can readily excuse any zaniness associated with it. Especially since the jokes were decent. Hey, as long as the out-there concepts are packed with actual good humor (think “Deep Space Homer”), anything can and should be excused! And to me, the ridiculousness of Otto getting swept out to sea (“Zeppelin ruuuuuuuuules…”) and caught by a foreign slaver ship is hilarious in the context of an episode grounded in its own reality rules. Therefore, I can excuse the fact that a remote, tropical island is less than a mile away from the Springfield Bridge. Wait a minute. Can I?

I could have done without most of the B-plot. Homer starting his own Internet company was definitely a fresh story in early 1998, but we really don’t see anything come of this. Homer’s interaction with Comic Book Guy is the best part (“Can I have some money now?”), but the whole story otherwise seems like a vehicle for the Bill Gates gag. In short, very forgettable! But it least it gave me two things: 1) Homer was savvy enough to design and purchase ad space on… er, Star Trek: Voyager-themed pronographic websites, and 2) the phase “Maude, eh?” which my sister and I still say to each other all these years later.

The deus ex machina ending is terrible, but since the ending of Lord of the Flies is reportedly equally terrible, I can excuse it if it’s meant to be a self-aware stab at the source material. In fact, I’ll give it even more points for that! Eat shit, William Golding.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 15 - Das Bus

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

To make the fishermen’s speech as accurate as possible, David X. Cohen called a friend who spoke Mandarin. When the Chinese actors came, the actors did not feel Mandarin was geographically appropriate, and it was changed to Cantonese, which is spoken more in China’s coastal regions and would be more appropriate for sailors and fishermen.
To put this in even more context, David X. Cohen is an enormous nerd who stuffs Futurama episodes with jokes about linear algebra and the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. He’ll spend hours agonizing over the realism of a throwaway joke in an episode of a show about kids wanting to kill each other with spears on a deserted island.

The title is deliberate incorrect German; “bus” is a masculine noun in German.
Yeah. “Deliberate”. Okay.

According to the audio commentary, the episode originally just showed Otto being carried away by the current. The writers admitted that that would have actually been less cruel than the final version.
I think I’m gonna like it on this boat!

FINAL GRADE
B+


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JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Invaders from Mars”

* Part 4 of 4 of the New World Order storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Invaders from Mars”! In the previous installment, the Hyperclan thinks the Justice League is dead when, in fact, exactly zero of them are actually dead. The most useful hero ends up being Batman even though he doesn’t have any super abilities except super-crying about his dead parents. In the end, the Hyperclan gets semi-thwarted. In the actual end, the Hyperclan hails seventy other members from out of secret invisible space orbital transmitters. The extended Hyperclan will level all of Earth’s major cities, including Tokyo, London, Pompeii, and Sim City.

The Justice League has aces up their sleeves though! Exactly what that is…? Er…

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [April, 1997]
Written by: Grant Morrison

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4

As members of the Hyperclan leer over Superman, the caped crusader wonders why the kryptonite hasn’t killed him yet. As loyal readers will recall, Superman is strapped to a gurney with an orb containing kryptonite hovering over his face. Superman can sense chaos in Earth’s midst. The invasion fleet of the Hyperclan is landing in, among other high-profile cities, Washington, Paris, Singapore, Tokyo, London, and Fake-Ass Metropolis. The airwaves are jammed with cries for help! The public needs their Super Man!

The kryptonite, though. Oh, god damn this kryptonite! It feels like someone is pressing a hot iron against Superman’s dick. Wanna know how Superman gets out of his predicament? He mind-over-matters it. As in, he starts thinking “hey, there’s no kryptonite here at all!” and then it doesn’t feel like there is any kryptonite there at all! Then he busts out of his restraints looking positively feral and a little hungry.

Superman, realizing these Hyperclan douchebags are Martians, wonders why there are more Martians running around in the first place. J’onn was supposed to be the Last of the Martians. What gives?

He tries to light things on fire because fire is the weakness of Martians, apparently. They’re like Frankenstein’s Monster without the neck bolts. And now that Superman has escaped, the Hyperclan really needs to keep his heat vision away from the Flower of Wrath. I’ve only mentioned the Flower of Wrath once before, but it sounded so stupid that I didn’t bring it up ever again! I guess heat is bad for the flower, too. Let’s keep that flower nice and cool like Miles Davis (who wasn’t nice, as it turned out).

Primaid is the white and blue woman who thinks they can still beat the Justice League, but Armek is the muscle-y robot guy who doesn’t agree. This is because Armek is actually Martian Manhunter, who used his superpower of… mimicry?… to deceive! “Did you really think I wouldn’t recognize this city you’ve unearthed?” he says with sassy crossed arms. “Z’onn Z’orr, the most infamous name in Martian history…”

Primaid calls Martian Manhunter a traitor. He owns it.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Look in a mirror, lady. No really, look in a mirror. Your eyes look bloodshot!

Meanwhile, in the Gobi Desert, the real Armek is talking to ZüM about the nerve of some of these Martians doing rude identity thievery. He’ll kill him! He was going to kill him anyway, but now he’ll double kill him!

Superman has the worst hair in the universe as he challenges Protex to a fair fight. No heat vision. No brass knuckles. Just fisticuffs at dawn. Protex’s eyes shine with maniacal redness! “YOU can be as fair as you like, Superman… I’LL stick to my own rules!”

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4

lol

I’m like, okay, then use the fucking heat vision. But Superman is instead taken aback like an old priggy prude and gets enveloped by Protex’s new form: some sort of blobby white thing.

“We Martians have complete control over our molecular structures,” Protex explains to Superman, who is helpless against this newest development. Protex penetrates Superman’s blood vessels! He enters his brain! He cooks and cleans and sews! “Now to finish what we started millennia ago,” says Primaid as they cause a mysterious fissure in the earth.

Martian Manhunter clocks Primaid in the mug. He makes fun of the pale Martians. She makes fun of the green Martians. It’s a real racist good time. Martian Manhunter pulls a simple switch and deactivates the Flower of Wrath (it literally has a screen that says “FLOWER OF WRATH: DEACTIVATED”) Primaid gets killed, I think, before Protex swoops down over Martian Manhunter and gives him a big, long, boring soliloquy.

“Where are your friends now?…” Protex asks before he pops Martian Manhunter’s head off like a cork.

“Where we always were!” says Wonder Woman as she, the Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern strike poses. Big ol’ titties on this lady.

The Flash surrounds Armek with fiery candles and Green Lantern drops a projection of a 16-ton weight on his head.

Aquaman gives ZüM a big migraine by fucking with his brain’s basal ganglia. He can do that, you know.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Talk dirty to me, Wonder Lady.

Primaid is still alive, but Wonder Woman wraps her up in rope and they look like they’re humping each other for a bit.

Protex says a LOT of words about the primitiveness of Earthlings and how it’s the Right Thing To Do to take over Earth for the good of the Earth, and other Earth-related nonsense.

“You want the Earth so much Protex – IT’S ALL YOURS!” Superman says as he throws Protex down the fissure created after the Flower of Wrath was deactivated.

That is as stupid as it sounds. You’re right.

Then they start beating each other up in the fissure. That’s also stupid. “They fear you and they hate you and you don’t even have the guts to admit you despise them in return!” Protex tells Superman, referring to the dumb losers of Earth. “You know in your heart they’re INFERIOR!”

Superman punches Protex further into the ground. “They believe in me, and in my heart I believe in them.”

Now that everyone has neutralized their respective fight partners, the Justice League, including Batman, reconvenes. “We can’t waste time,” Batman says, ever the downer. “The invasion fleet has already arrived on Earth and Martian mind control has been overridden by terror.”

They look around the Hyperclan base for equipment to use. There are cameras hooked up that were meant to broadcast their executions to the entire world, maybe they can use those to put on a puppet show? Superman flicks on the camera.

JLA (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Looking a little drunk there, Superman.

“I know it’s difficult right now, but try not to panic,” he tells his captive audience as dozens of UFOs are literally destroying cities. “You must fight against the invaders. We’re on our way but we can’t reach everyone in time. It’s up to you to defend one another. They’re afraid of fire! Use fire against them! Stand firm. Right now, courage is all that can light this darkness.”

The dumb people of Earth get out their BIC lighters and make angry, determined faces. As cities burn down, Superman salutes the camera. “The Justice League of America won’t let you down!”

“They’re surrendering!” cries Green Lantern as death, destruction, and devastation makes waves across Earth. “We did it!”

In the aftermath, Martian Manhunter explains that he knew these buttfuckers were all Martians after he saw Z’onn Z’orr. He apologizes for endangering the Justice League, all of humanity, and a couple of gophers due to personal feelings. Superman is quick to forgive because he’s not very smart. “I’m more concerned about what we do now.”

“Martians are shapechangers, Superman,” Martian Mansplainer says. “We’re familiar with a wide range of mind control techniques. There are… methods. Punishments. You may not approve, but I must be the final arbiter.”

What Martian Manhunter suggests is waterboarding them with battery acid and then tickling their feet with a giant feather. I don’t see whether or not Superman approves of the giant feather.

Meanwhile, all the special, idyllic ecosystems that the Hyperclan created in impossible places, such as the Sahara Desert, are dying and withering away. As expected. Let this be a lesson! “Humankind has to be allowed to climb to its own destiny,” says Superman with such poignant gravity.

In the following weeks, the League created a new base on the moon. It’s about 560 stories tall and looks like a complete eyesore. It’s made out of only the strongest adamantium and mudhoney and no one can penetrate it, not even Superman! That’s right, they’re keeping him out!

I wish, at least.

EPILOGUE: “Bob Grey’s had another bad night. To tell the truth, he hasn’t really felt right since they let him out of the hospital, right after the Justice League stopped that alien invasion. He feels like he’s been lobotomized with a corkscrew. And then there’s the dreams… Bob won’t ever know that exactly 69 other people in countries all around the world are having the same strange dream night after night.”

Final Thoughts

Curious! It’s always a good sign when dozens of people share the same dream every night. It always bodes well for future events. I guess we’ll see if it matters at all in Issue #5! If I ever even get to it! You never know…


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The Martian by Andy Weir

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

The Martian

Welcome back to the Book Bonfire, you Book Bonfirephiliacs! Today we tackle The Martian by Andy Weir, a gripping tale of heroism and survival on the big red rock we call *accidentally drops all notes into a sewer* … uhm… … MATT DAMON!

Note: I never watched the movie. I don’t know the first thing about this story. I just know that MATT DAMON!

Based on all the Internet crabapples, this is a book that you’ll either love or you’ll hate. If you like hard science fiction with dad jokes and very little attention to the mental and emotional breakdown that comes from being dangerously isolated on Mars for over a year, then you’ll love this book! I loved this book! If you like the exact opposite of everything I said, you’ll hate this book! I didn’t hate this book!

Now that we have that out of the way, I can see why the hard science aspect of the story can be off-putting to even the most stalwart of science fiction fans (the ones who like space operas and aliens with bumpy heads). I’ve read many hard science textbooks for college and that shit is dry as a bone, son. Based on my experience reading old white men’s words on stoichiometry, I can say with FANATIC PLEASURE that Weir makes it as interesting as possible. This is accomplished by writing his main character, Mark Watney, as an instantly relatable everyman. When I read the first ten pages I was starting to expect that Mark was going to be the only character in the whole novel. AU CONTRAIRE! A crazy cast of characters awaits. The NASA guy. The other NASA guy. The NASA lady. A rich mix of interchangeable nerds. They all exist as a plot forwarding catalyst. Here’s a thing that will save Mark! Oh, it won’t work! Here’s another thing that will save Mark, I hope it works! Rrrrrrggghhhh, edge of the seat suspense!

“You can’t kill me, Mars! I will drill a hole in your rocky surface and fuck you silly!”
– Mark Watney

Watney spends the entire book completely unfazed about being stuck on a planet with a death clock slowly ticking down. He reminds me of Deadpool, making jokes while almost dying. Except Deadpool can’t die. Perhaps Watney forgets this aspect of his humanness! While some readers were put off by his impossibly upbeat attitude, I found it charming and likeable. And usually I don’t find that kind of thing anything other than obnoxious, so Weir did a good job here. Hell, Watney was keeping the rest of his crew upbeat during the most trying of times. He’s just that kind of guy, you know? I could suspend my disbelief that, even on Mars, this cat kept his cheerful attitude. Better than succumbing to off-world depression, am I right? We’ve all been there.

I don’t know how accurate all the science is, but it seems plausible enough to me and I’m some sort of real-life smarty man engineer! There’s a lot (and I mean a lot) of descriptive nonsense about converting CO₂ to C + O₂ and then isolating H₂ and combining H₂ and O₂ to make H₂O, for one thing. There’s a lot of other chemical malarkey going on besides this, but I can dig it. Watney also spends an awful long time talking about growing potatoes on Mars using his own feces, which must be accurate. I’ve grown potatoes in my toilet and it works! Watney also fixes a lot of shit by taking apart shit and hammering the pieces onto other shit. I’m not mechanic, but this sounds like a hard thing to do on Mars. Watney’s a genius, though. He works for NASA!

“Watney’s the name, and botany’s the game! LOL!”
– Mark Watney

Most of the book follows the same formula of “let’s help Watney get back to Earth” from NASA personnel, and “I’m gonna try to not fuck up and die” from Watney, and I don’t find a thing wrong with it. Even though you know Watney’s going to stay alive through it all, it’s still satisfyingly suspenseful. Plus, those final pages where Hermes intercepts the MAV? I was so anxious that I shat all over my marital bed!

So that’s about it! Let’s move onto some hard-hitting discussion questions!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

To what extent does Mark’s log serve as his companion? Do you think it’s implicit in the
narrative that maintaining a log keeps him sane?
Yes, so Mark Watney’s side of the story is told through his log entries. He primarily uses it to talk the reader through his staying-alive process and little else. As a plot device it does the job, but one needs must suspend his or her disbelief that Watney never uses the log as therapy to deal with the unimaginable isolation, loneliness, and fear of the very real possibility of death. Instead he makes jokes about titties and writes at length about potatoes.

“I’m living in My Own Private Idaho!”
– Mark Watney

I found a good explanation for this. Watney eventually realizes that he may really survive the whole ordeal, and that his personal log may be read by thousands. He mentions cleaning up some of the rougher edges of the log, which he may have already done for the reader. Perhaps he decided to remove all the entries where he whines hopelessly about being unfathomably cold, tripping on moon rocks, and watching so much Dukes of Hazzard that he wants to commit suicide all over the place.

Of course, it’s more likely that Andy Weir had no idea how to write that type of characterization. So it was all potatoes. And shut up, I know they aren’t moon rocks.

There’s no mention of Mark having a romantic relationship on Earth. Does that make it easier or harder to endure his isolation? How would the story be different if he had a partner back home?
I thought about this a lot. I have no idea what Watney actually looks like, but I would guess based on his ability to not immediately stuff his fucking face with all the available rations that he’s probably some noodle-armed 105-lb nerd. Did they ever mention his physical characteristics at all? I don’t remember. But I picture this very happy, very content, hopeless virgin with high self-esteem in his late-20s/early-30s who devoted his life to botany and fixing shit. He still lives with his parents, who live 20 minutes away from Cape Canaveral, and enjoys eating his mom’s cooking. He had a girlfriend once probably in 4th grade who chased him around the playground during recess for about two weeks before she got bored.

“This actually really sucks hard and I wish I could just have the courage to die.”
– Mark Watney

Mark Watney has no romantic relationship on Earth. Ironically, this makes it easier for him to endure his isolation because no one loves him anyway. The story would be different if he had a partner back home because he would miss him/her and would spend less time posting ASCII boobs to NASA Mission Control. Maybe.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great book! Would read again someday! A good novel to embrace your geekiness. Everyone who hated it probably didn’t understand all the technical mumbo-jumbo about using encased plutonium pellets to heat up bathwater or fixing spacesuits with duct tape. Only the most intelligent of brain geniuses can parse such Mensa concepts.


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