Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “…And?”! In the previous installment, Jennifer Walters is permanently green and she just quit her job at the Law Offices of Stinky and Buttfuck because they were expecting, with her connections, to bring in clients like Tony Stark and Peter Parker and Bette Midler.
LUCKILY, she got involved with a case that directly involved Tony Stark, who cut the defendant such a massive check that she was able to give Walters $150,000 for her efforts. Guess what bitches? She used the money to start her own law firm.
She’s mean and green! Better Call Wal!
…ters.
She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [May, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“…And?”
I should start calling her Jennifer Walters instead of She-Hulk from now on because it’s clear that she’s going to be green forever and I don’t to diminish her as a person by constantly referring to her as “She-Hulk”.
Anyway, She-Hulk sits at her desk with a 1000-yard stare. Tons of monthly expenses. Zero clients. She’s already regretting her decision to start her own law firm. Why would you think about it without having any clients at all? I’m not even that dumb and I once swallowed an entire bird bath.
She looks at the file folder in front of her. At least she has an active case! One in which she’s one of the many defendants, but all the same! The plaintiff is George Saywitz and he’s probably some pissy little pukeface.
A woman named Sharon King knocks on Walters’ door. “I own the building,” she says with a warm smile. “I like to take new tenants around, just let them know what’s what.” Also, the reception area has a bunch of people waiting for an interview. There’s that, too. They’re creating a massive ruckus and if you don’t calm them down, you’re kicked out of the building forever, thank you, and good night.
Walters is excited for a little tour. While the two of them jaunt through what looks like an unimportant basement area, Walters asks Sharon why she leases office space to superhero-types. It’s because no one else in New York City will because of stuff like skyrocketing insurance coverage costs from supers blowing up buildings with their magical mind powers, and playing Cannibal Corpse too loudly. Plus, Sharon has mutant powers too. She can control weather! Watch: *pees on floor* Anyway, she knows what it’s like.
Sharon drops her off at the reception desk where some bland-looking motherfuckers are waiting in chairs to interview for a paralegal job. Walters grabs a coffee for 20 seconds and everyone has left but one overweight lady with a monkey in her lap. Supposedly, everyone else was scared off by, I don’t know, the greenness of the potential boss. “Greenness” in more ways than one, maybe! I’m so clever.
He chases away all the snakes, so yes.
The monkey is named Hei Hei and, yes, the monkey goes wherever she goes. That includes the office every single day after she gets hired, which will happen. Walters moves on from this unpleasantness and notes that Ms. Angie Huang’s is tip top! She has done everything from installing windows to installing dictators. She does have a gap in her resume, which she explains as a temporary effort get get off the grid, so to speak. Walters is sold! Welcome to the team, Monkey Lady! You can start in seventeen weeks after Walters gets fully situated and installs a Slurpee machine in the corner, plus…
…Huang sits down at her desk.
“You want to start right now?” Walters asks.
“I’m sure there’s plenty to do,” Huang responds. She points at the case file. “Like that, for one. Is there anything I can do to help with that? Review the file, perhaps?”
“Nope.” Walters grips the file closer to her chest. “That one’s all mine.”
After a brief awkward silence, Walters picks up the phone and calls a man named Fred. This man, Fred you see, he knows that Walters has left the Law Offices of Cum and Butts and started her own firm. However, he’s all lawyered up already and wishes Walters the best of luck. Bye, now.
Walters tells Huang to go the fuck home for the day and immediately heads for the bar with a friend named something-or-other who looks like Kimmy Gibbler. Hellcat. Patsy Walker. They talk about how Walters is going to fail miserably, which is a touchy subject, so they go dancing instead.
I’m wasted. Let’s go kill a guy for old time’s sake.
Patsy Walker really wants to go hit something. She stands up all wobbly and starts rushing out of the bar much to Walters’ alarm. She follows her, though, because, like a good friend, she needs to hold Walker’s hair back while she barfs in a rest stop toilet.
Hellcat and She-Hulk are now suited up. Hellcat has led She-Hulk to a decrepit warehouse that, supposedly, houses an A.I.M. lab. Time to take it out, you and me. Did you bring your Molotov cocktails, honey?
She-Hulk thinks this is a really fucked up idea. “Why don’t you just go, then?!” Hellcat whines as she bum-rushes the warehouse. “You’re like all my other friends. You never support me! Get the hell out of here, She-Hulk. Who needs you?”
She-Hulk sighs despondently and follows her reckless friend in the warehouse…
…and they find nothing. I mean, there’s warehouse stuff like file cabinets and boxes full of nipple clamps, but no A.I.M. lab. Not one A.I.M. lab. Two guys in hazmat-type suits notice these two ladies right away: She-Hulk and “the one with no powers, really”. The heroes have spotted them yet, so the hazmat dudes mull over two options: a) lay low like smarties, or b) fight them like dummies. One picks the smart option. The other picks the dumb option.
Making his fashionable appearance, the dude pilots a humanoid robot with a plasma cannon of sorts. He blasts She-Hulk right in the ol’ ribcage, sending her packing. To the floor, that is. But she can’t get hurt! She’s the Lady Hulk! Hulk-Woman!
You promise?
She-Hulk keeps the one guy at bay, but the other guy shows up in his own robot suit and threatens Hellcat’s life. We all collectively breathe a sigh of who-gives-a-shit, but apparently She-Hulk wants to save her friend for reasons I cannot fathom.
“Now you’re going to give her to me,” she says to Hazmat-Man.
“Why should I?”
“Because right now, I just want to get my friend home safe. That’s all I care about… right now. But if you don’t give her to me, if you hurt her… then I’m going to want to peel you out of that suit and beat you to death.”
Hazmat-Man calls her bluff. She’s an Avenger! She doesn’t hurt people! She doesn’t do bad guy shit! But She-Hulk is like, au contraire shithead. She’s not hero-ing right now. She’s barely scraping by in life right now and she’s hankerin’ for some Texas justice! Within one panel, both hazmat dudes are tied up with each other and their robot suits lay in broken piles on the floor.
She-Hulk helps her loser friend up off the floor and offers her a job at her burgeoning law firm as an investigator. Hellcat beams, and I already know that this won’t go well. She and Angie Huang will be at each other’s throats, and it’s not going to be the woman without the monkey who will win.
The next morning, and “morning” is pushing it, Walters wakes up in a half-drunken stupor and shuffles into the office at 11am. Huang chides her, but Walters is like “who gives a flying fuck, we don’t have any clients anyway and your monkey is shitting in your purse”.
The client is Kristoff Vernard, son of Victor Von Doom. He intends to defect from Latveria, and he needs Walters to help him obtain asylum in the United States. Or else!
He says all this before Walters has a chance to step two feet into her office. He looks charming. They’re going to bone each other.
Final Thoughts
THIS ISN’T VERY EXCITING SO FAR. I want some lunatic with a chainsaw to hack and slice into Walters’ office and go “I need you to help me get my kids back, please.” And then Walters can take a big, green shit on top of her own desk.
Latveria isn’t even a real place, Kristoff Vernard, you idiot. Go back to Russia.
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