Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “I Am Gotham (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Batman honest-to-God launches himself on top of a burning, crashing airplane and, with Alfred’s guidance in the Batcave, maneuvers it around the buildings and lands it harmlessly in the gulf. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever read.

This was all prologue, though, because right at the end of the issue two superhero types – a man and a woman – show up to further ruin Batman’s party. “Batman, it is an honor and a pleasure. Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Gotham. She is Gotham Girl. This is our city. We are here to save it.”

And you know what happens when some other mope purports to be the owner of Gotham? Batman seethes and froths and stews for days over it. The whiny bitch is about to get even whinier, is what I’m saying here. Prepare for it.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 2)”

Gotham City has a Statue of Justice which looks exactly like the Statue of Liberty except it holds a medieval shield. You know, the type that Link from Legend of Zelda holds!

“SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!” bellows Grundy as he fights Gotham and Gotham Girl. “CHRISTENED ON TUESDAY! MARRIED ON WEDNESDAY! TOOK ILL ON THURSDAY. GREW WORSE ON FRIDAY. DIED ON SATURDAY. BURIED ON SUNDAY.”

The very interesting fight goes on while he says all this. The duo don’t really have a handle on it, but then Batman shows up to lift Solomon Grundy right off the ground and throw him headfirst right into the dirt. “Feel it, Grundy. Feel how much it hurts. And remember,” Batman rasps with his gravelly gruff, “if you get up… it’ll hurt a whole lot more.”

Gotham thanks Batman for his help, but Batman doesn’t want a thank you from the smelly butt over there who thinks he’s King Fuck of Cunt Mountain. “You were letting him get too far.” Batman chews the guy out. “From when I interrupted, you would’ve caught Grundy in 1.3 seconds. He would have trampled that man in 0.7 seconds.” Batman points to some homeless old guy slouched against a trash can drinking booze. “I’ve been watching you,” he continues. “You’re good. You’re doing good. Do better.”

Batman fucks off, but Gotham follows him like a pesky little child. He wants to do better, of course! He’s not here to take the city away from Batman, honest to gosh! “You’re Batman. You’ve been fighting this war for years. But we’re here now… and if we’re fighting it wrong… show us how to fight it right.”

Well, this Gotham guy is making it hard for me to hate him. He’s a nice guy with a good intentions who doesn’t want to steal the spotlight from the Spotlight Hog.

Later, Bruce Wayne looks at footage on the console from the comfort of his guano-ridden Batcave. “I was dead,” he says to Alfred, referring to the plane crash from the previous issue where he should have died but for some reason didn’t die. “There’s going to be others, Alfred. Other planes. Asteroids. Aliens. I won’t be able to stop them. I’ll die. Then Dick will take my place. Then he’ll die.”

“That’s all very intriguing, Master Bruce,” Alfred says with awe-inspiring monotone. Bruce should have been at a gala event an hour ago. A gala event he arranged. A gala event for the children’s hospital. And they can only serve to much shrimp before the keynote speech. Let’s shake a leg, sister.

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of millions of women getting wet after hearing Alfred’s sarcastic remark.

“Fine. But I’m not staying long,” Bruce gripes as he goes up the Bat-stairs. Alfred quips about this and it makes me swoon.

Elsewhere, Jim Gordon tells his secretary that he’ll be another hour or two (or three) before he can see his daughter. There’s a man from the bank, though, who’s been waiting for about six days to come speak to him, so the secretary lets him in. The bank man looks like Larry David, and he’s not from the bank at all! That’s a lie he told to get in to speak with Gordon. “I’m actually here to confess to freeing Solomon Grundy.”

Gordon makes a bug-eyed face. “Excuse me?” he says through his luscious mustache.

“Yes,” says the man while looking down sheepishly, “I put a bomb on the truck transporting Grundy to Arkham.” He grabs a letter opener from Gordon’s desk. “When he was free, I took him to the statue and told him to bring it down.”

Gordon tells this guy to slow his roll. “What’s your name?” he asks. It’s Bob Castro. He gibbers about not having a choice in the matter. “You see… the Monster Men are coming,” Castro says ominously before slicing open his own throat with the letter opener, spilling blood all over Gordon’s nice oriental rug.

Those dang Monster Men!

Gordon looks mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say is that he looks very surprised, but less is more I always say. I could also say that he looks a little frisky, but that’s none of my business.

Bruce is dancing quite gayly with a woman at the Childrens Hospital Gala Event (CHAE) when he sees the Batsignal blaring brightly outside of the giant window. “I have to go,” he says suddenly, not at all suspiciously. The woman looks mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say is that she looks very surprised, b–

Hmm? What?

The city is facing ECONOMIC HARDSHIP thanks to BIDENFLATION (KAMALINFLATION???) Just kidding! Trump’s ChatGPT tariff plan has doomed as all, I’m afraid.

When Bruce tells Duke Thomas and Alfred that he’s bringing Gotham and Gotham Girl to Gordon, Duke is like “YOU WON’T EVEN TAKE ME TO GORDON!” But Bruce gets what Bruce wants, and Bruce wants a threesome on the roof. Then Bruce says that he doesn’t trust them anymore than he trusts Alfred, and he doesn’t trust Alfred! Not really. The dude is a little too eager to help, wouldn’t you say?

“For his tenth birthday, he asked for a katana dueling blade. I got him a wakizashi, which seemed more appropriate for his age. He’s been this way ever since,” Alfred says of Bruce, obviously a bit salty right now. Briny, you might say.

Commissioner Gordon sees these two happy-go-lucky new superheroes on his roof and makes a big ol’ shit-under-the-nose face. “Don’t worry. They’re with me, Jim,” Batman says. Gordon begrudgingly accepts these uninvited guests. Batman vouches for them, says they both eat all their vegetables and turn in their homework on time. Gotham and Gotham Girl introduce themselves to Gordon, who pulls out his pipe and smokes the fuck out of it. “Is it really easier to fight crime with a mask on? I’d think it would itch,” he says plainly as he puffs. This musing is met with silence.

Gordon gives them the skinny: some guy killed himself in his office after claiming he freed Solomon Grundy from Arkham. Other than that, he doesn’t know what’s going on. So go fix the city, newbies. “He was ranting on about Monster Men coming. Mean anything to you?”

Batman furrows his already-extremely-furrowed brow and lies. “No.”

Great! Go get me some coffee from the breakroom.

When Commissioner Gordon is told by these two fucks that they’re going to save the city once and for all, Gordon puts on his best vapid Jon Arbuckle face and says “Well, thank the lord. Don’t know how we got along without you,” putting even Alfred to shame.

Batman has already left. The Gothams are mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say–

Hmm? What?

Gotham and Gotham Girl are like “BUT I’M USING MY X-RAY VISION AND MY SENSORY PERCEPTORS AND MY SONAR EARS AND MY INFRARED DETECTORS AND I CAN’T FIND HIM AT ALL” while Gordon puts out his pipe and walks away from them.

Meanwhile, Professor Hugo ”Fucks His Mannequin” Strange is showing photos to a guy named Roger. He’s showing him photos of his own face and asking him the emotions, which he gets correctly each time. “Good, very good. You’re getting better every day,” he says as Roger looks like he’s about ready to claw his own face off.

“Congratulation, Miss Waller,” says some sort of very decorated military man behind Strange. “You’ve finally saved Gotham City.”

“Well,” says Miss Waller, also standing behind Strange. “Someone had to.”

TO BE CONTINUED

OR WILL IT?!?!?

Final Thoughts

AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO MISS WALLER IS? Anyway, yes, let’s have Professor Mommy-Issues turn on his Save Gotham Ray and we’ll wrap up this issue with everyone all hunky-dory. Who wants cake?

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “I Am Gotham (Part 1)”! In the standalone Batman: Rebirth issue, Batman blows up a machine that makes the seasons change every day and unleashes poisonous spores all over Gotham. It is said twice that these spores could kill the whole city, but it was unclear to me how and why. It was all the work of Calendar Man, who has Roman numerals tattooed around the circumference of his fat, bald head. Do I smell another tattoo idea for myself…??

So that was dumb. And based on the title of this storyline, I’m expect six issues of “WAAAHH, THIS IS MY CITY, NOT YOURS” bullshit from Gotham’s whiniest superhero. Go grieve over your dead parents about it, whiner.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [August, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 1)”

Fuck, who are these dorks on the cover? Is Batman going to team up with jerks I don’t know? That’s strike one already, pal.

A kid stares wistfully out of the window of an airplane as it descends toward the Gotham airport. We’ll back to him in 100 issues.

While the plane lands, Gordon and Batman are chatting it up atop Police HQ. The Batsignal is blaring in the sky with its 1,000,0000,000 lumens. Gordon briefs Batman on the “insanely classified” raid on Fort Marshall. Only Gordon and the Secretary of Defense knows about it. And now the weirdo in tights knows about it, much to Gordon’s chagrin.

“Culprits got three surface-to-air missiles. Two of which my boys stumbled on a raid on a Kobra cell an hour ago. They chased down a fellow running with the third… but lost him somewhere in the Narrows.” Gordon is beside himself that some nut is running around HIS city with a missile.

Speak of the devil, the missile has been launched! It hits the tail section of the airplane right above Batman’s and Gordon’s heads. Batman immediately skedaddles and telephones Alfred using whiz-o-matic crotch radio system. Alfred is already on top of things! The plane’s vertical stabilizer rear rudder are severely damaged, as is the hydraulic system! Alfred is writing the Wikipedia page about it as we speak! The plane will land near the base of Kane Plaza in Gotham Square in six minutes. That’s a buttload of people about to die, son. Got a plan?

Yeah, Batman always has a plan: contact the Justice League and let them deal with it. Heh heh heh… what’s that Alfred?… Batman’s in the Justice League?? Aw, hell.

Batman also instructs Alfred to call up his new sidekick Duke Thomas for him. Alfred patches him through, and the kid is ready to help!

90 degrees, bitch.

Duke pulls up info on the CSI Batcave Computer and gives Batman the skinny: “If you go out at 122 mph, 1.2 seconds after, with a left tilt of thirty-seven degrees and a forward roll of… I guess thirteen degrees?”

Whatever, this all sounds like bullshit to me. But Batman buys it hook, line, and wiggly worms. He just needs to jump in 53 seconds. Let’s see how this all plays out.

52 seconds later, Alfred rudely interrupts via intercom. Most of the Justice League has their out-of-office automatic replies on. “Understood. Reply. Let them know we’re fine. This is MY city. I’ll save it.”

Batman ejects his chair from the Batmobile and launches upward about a million feet. Gordon is frantically driving in circles. Batman radios Gordon to advise him to get emergency crews to the Gulf of Blackgate even though it’s supposed to land in Gotham Square in… *checks Mickey Mouse watch* …three minutes! Aaaaahhhh!!

“Commissioner, listen,” Batman says with the stoicism of someone who didn’t just launch out their car into the path of a doomed, burning plane. “I’m going to push it into the water.”

Ha, with what? Your dick?

Next thing we know, Batman is being a total idiot.

Hey, remember that old George Carlin joke? ”’Get on the plane, get on the plane!’ Fuck you, I’m getting IN the plane!”

“Oh, of course,” Gordon says while making a hilarious Jon Arbuckle face. “You’re on the plane.”

The passengers of the flight seem awfully calm, except for one guy who’s tweaking the fuck out. “This is Gotham!” he raves. “Gotham’s killing us! Any other damn city – Superman or Lantern, whoever — somebody’d be flying to catch us. But no! We’re in Gotham! Who’s going to catch you in Gotham?!”

While the dude continues ranting, the kid from earlier continues looking out the window. He is surprised to see a gremlin on the side of the plane! And that gremlin’s name is Batman! What a twist.

The plane is going to 9/11 the skyline in about two minutes. Batman gets some more info from Alfred and it’s not looking good. “At this point, with the damage to the vertical stabilizer, even if you stop the plane’s descent you will hit one of the middle floors!” Alfred says of the plane’s trajectory toward the plaza.

So what does Batman do? Batman decides to get back on top of the plane and help Alfred guide it for him. Because, apparently, Alfred can control burning airplanes from the comfort of Wayne Manor. “What was once a just a 747 commercial jetliner… is now… the new Batplane,” Alfred says dramatically as the new Batplane is four inches from the nearest building, give or take.

With Batman’s help on trigonometry and angles, Alfred guides the plane between buildings by rotating it eight-two degrees starboard. Alfred chimes in with another problem: in order to hit the gulf at the correct angle, Batman must stay on the airplane and be exposed to the full force of the collision. Impossible to survive. Ker-splat. You dig?

The plane has threaded the needle through downtown and is now in a clearing by the water. Some mean, bad guy on a roof somewhere watches as Batman does his thing. “Observe the clock, Batman,” he says mysteriously.

Batman gives Alfred some final will and testament shit. Let Duke Thomas know that he can continue his education with Dick “Poopypants” Grayson. And distribute his prepared messages to “the boys”, whatever the fuck that means. Other than that, go nuts.

Batman then asks Alfred if his parents would have been proud. Alfred lies and says of course they would.

Thanks, Alfred. Very comforting.

When it seems like all is lost and there’s no going back, the plane hits the gulf gently and everything is fucking fine.

Then Batman looks up and sees the two douchebags from the front cover floating above him.

“Batman, it is an honor and a pleasure,” says the man. “Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Gotham. She is Gotham Girl. This is our city. We are here to save it.”

Let the pissing contest commence.

Final Thoughts

This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.