The Seven Shards of Ruination – The Journey Begins!

The Dungeon MasterGreetings. I am your Dungeon Master, and from this moment forward you will either refer to me as “Sir” or “Your Gloriousness”. Mom said that I have time to start a campaign today, but I need to finish my homework after dinner so we don’t have too much time.

Welcome to Gloobus! A sprawling continent of villages, forests, deserts, ancient ruins, urban landscapes, urban landscapes bombed by nuclear weapons, abandoned castles, abandoned White Castles, residential areas with houses that have Christmas lights up in August, and catacombs that have been infiltrated by ghouls and hobos. Our journey begins in the small town of SubGloobus Delta 14, a place lousy with children. Just a bunch of the little shits running around stealing strawberries from the marketplace and playing kickball in the blown glass vase shop. The women are quite comely, though. That probably explains the infestation of children. Rape is a major societal problem in SubGloobus Delta 14.

During a relaxing afternoon drinking cornmeal mead in Borp’s Tavern, the three of you sit at separate locations within the quiet pub. You all do not know one another, but fate will bring you together shortly. A very old gypsy wearing a hoodie with Looney Tunes characters all over it speaks clandestinely to the barkeep about the fabled Seven Shards of Ruination, but it’s so quiet in the tavern that it sounds like she’s shrieking her head off about it. It’s very likely that she doesn’t have an indoor voice.

“The Seven Shards of Ruination are but a fantasy! A children’s story!” exclaims the incredulous barkeep. His name is Tucker. “There is no such thing! Many young ones have died in the Fuck Cave trying to locate the so-called easiest shard to acquire! Begone with your tall tales!”

Tucker throws a bottle at the old gypsy’s head. It bashes her face and she loses four HP points.

One of you offers the old gypsy a Stimpack and a popsicle. “Hello, my poor wretched so-and-so. My name is Daring the Bold and I couldn’t have helped but overhear you speaking to the rude barkeep about these Seven Shards of Ruination! Surely you must know that no such shards exist! Dumbass!”

One of you hoists your ample girth up from your tiny wooden barstool and approaches Daring the Bold. You slap the silly goose right across his wet mouth. “How dare you speak to a lady in this manner, you insolent piece of rat droppings! I, Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2, challenge ye to a dual of wits!”

“Ha! I have already won, my mentally bereft friend, for I observe from the massive bumps in your skull that you lack the intelligence to best even Tucker’s donkey in a dual of wits!” Daring the Bold laughs daringly and boldly. Henrik falls to the floor in a tantrum of hysterical fits!

The old gypsy stands at a loss for words. This is when Olena Donovan-Jones breaks up the two of them. They are smitten at first glance, for the young, porcelain-skinned lass has hair down to her ample buttcheeks, but Olena is NOT having any of that bullshit right now. “I sense a Quest in the works here, so you two better not fall in love with me or else I’ll remove YOUR teeth and castrate YOU with them!”

Heroes

Our three brave, fearsome heroes!

The gypsy chimes in at this point. “You three are a perfect match for a Quest I want to, to lack of better phrasing, foist upon you. Yes, yes, we’ll ALL get wealthy with this one! You, of course, are familiar with the Seven Shards of Ruination, am I correct?”

Daring the Bold and Olena nod their heads solemnly. Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2 shakes his head and drools. Olena jabs her elbow into his fat-layered ribcage.

“Ah yes,” the old gypsy continues, “a brief refresher would be highly recommended for all three of you. Behold, the Tale of the Seven Shards of Ruination!”

There be two siblings, twins, Freyr and Freyja. They fought a lot as children; who does the dishes, who gets to read the new Harry Potter book first, stuff like that.

“How do you like them apples?” the gypsy folds her arms with a smug look of satisfaction.

Daring the Bold unsheathes his sword with a swift hand and raises it over his head in triumph. “A tale as old as time, my dear one!” he jubilates, waving the giant sword around like a fucking lasso. “However, you must know that the Seven Shards of Ruination surely do not exist! The stories have been passed down for generations and nary a soul has found but Shard one!”

Olena agrees with the crazy dude swinging his sword around the bar like a lunatic. “I agree with the crazy dude,” she says, jabbing the vacant Henrik of SubGloobis Theta 2 into his tender ribs thrice more. “It does not seem worth the trouble to even humor you, Madam Looney Tunes Gypsy. Such a dangerous undertaking requires a hefty… well, give us some dang money for this stupid Quest.”

The gypsy smirks. “The collection of the Seven Shards of Ruination is payment in of itself! Do you all realize the power behind a complete set of Shards? Do I need to tell you the tale again? Twin siblings? Harry Potter? The Shards bring wealth, yes, but also immortality. Invulnerability. State of the art cock-sucking robots. Magic powers beyond your wildest dreams! What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. We each reap the benefits!”

Daring the Bold arches an eyebrow. He accidently breaks a table with his wild sword swinging. “Why should you get a cut? All you have done was TELL us to go get the Shards! Do you plan on tagging along with the three of us? Do you perhaps have a map with the locations?… what’s this about cock-sucking robots?”

The Fuck Cave

“X” marks the seven spots!

The gypsy pulls out a ratty shred of parchment on which seven X’s are marked at various specific locations of Gloobus, forming the shape of a Star of David-looking thing without all the Chanukah.  “I do indeed, by bold friend. Ask not where I acquired the very valuable parchment, but let’s just say I had to do some very unseemly acts to secure the sacred artifact,” she says, smiling and licking her gums disgustingly. Henrik pukes into a nearby bucket. The gypsy points to the X at the very center of the star. “This right here, approximately 15 miles due northwest from Borp’s Tavern, is the Fuck Cave! As the legends go, it’s the easiest Shard to obtain! Lucky for you three, it is also the closest. From that point, any direction will suffice… as long you survive the Fuck Cave…” the gypsy cackles rudely. Rather phlegmy too. Olena offers a cough drop.

“Thank you, lass. You’re not as bitchy as you look. And you look pretty dang bitchy. Nice resting bitch face, dear. Do you kiss your mother with that bitch face?” the gypsy chides, having relaxed after securing the three of them for the Quest. She hands Olena a copy of the parchment fresh off the Xerox. “Keep this with you at all times. The locations are not explicitly labelled, but each Shard can be found equidistantly between locations. My advice is to stop by the small town of SubGloobus Tau 12 first on the way to the Fuck Cave. There you will find lore about the Cave that you may find helpful as shit! You may also pick up supplies and a map of the continent. Speak to Dogsbane the Friendly, he will surely be of much assistance.”

Olena Donovan-Jones pockets the parchment copy within her fifty-pocketed tunic. She will surely be the packhorse of the troupe, carrying many helpful items, potions, poisons, trinkets, Pogs, and paper clips.

Daring the Bold sheathes his sword, much to the relief of the bar clientele. He will surely be the warrior of the troupe, slaying demons, monsters, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and termites with his vast experience with hand weapons.

Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2 snaps his fingers and, as if tugged by an invisible cord, a mug of cornmeal mead flies into his open hand from three tables away! A mage! He surely be the spellcaster of the troupe, proving himself more useful than meets the eye. Hopefully. Henrik is still dumb as a bag of rocks, but he is adept with magicks.

“Then it is settled,” the gypsy cackles, drifting backwards slowly into the dark, shadowed corner of the tavern. “I’ll be here if you need any assistance. Good luck on your Quest, Brave Three… you’re going to need it…” the gypsy snickers.

She trips as she backs into the corner, losing three more HP points.

Summary

Something surely feels off about the Gypsy, but the three new companions put the idea out of their heads. An exciting Quest of dungeons, dragons, and dungeons & dragons awaits! Daring the Bold! Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2! Olena Donovan-Jones! Brought together by fate, the three must work together for a common goal!

Getting their affairs in order, the three exit the tavern and head south. Then they get their bearings and head northwest. Daring is familiar with the location of SubGloobus Tau 12, but none know of Dogsbane the Friendly. The first mission is to seek him out and gather the information he may have.

Now I gotta go. My mom is calling me for dinner! SpaghettiOs! So long, weary travelers. Until next time, this is Your Gloriousness the Dungeon Master signing off!

…Shut the fuck up, mom! I’m coming!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 28: “A Way Out”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Mat chapter time! He’s just sitting in his room munching away on TV dinners when Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne enter the room unannounced. Mat can’t decide if he should be unnerved or if he should pop a boner. The three of them smile at him like they want something. They compliment his improving condition like they want something. It’s because they all want something, and Mat is wise to their sly trickeries.

Nynaeve has a favor for Mat! Well, actually, it’s Elayne’s favor. She needs him to carry letter to Queen Morgase in Caemlyn. She then gives him a heart-melting smile that causes him to get momentarily squishy in the legs. Then he asks what’s in it for him. Elayne says the pride of doing work for the Daughter-Heir of Andor should be reward enough, and Mat snickers. Nynaeve lifts Mat by the scruff and tells him that he’ll be out of Tar Valon; that’s what’s in it for him.

Mat can’t, though. The Aes Sedai and the guards are keeping him in because he’ll die of starvation in two hours if he doesn’t stay in his room. Nynaeve channels through his head to check his condition, which is probably more than fine, and decides that Mat is fit enough to get the fudge out of there. Nynaeve produces one of their Do-What-The-Amyrlin-Says cards, to Mat’s surprise, and it shall surely get him out of the city tout suite.

They talk of Emond’s Field for a bit, getting misty-eyed and homesick. Then Mat thanks them all and plans his escape!

Mat’s going to survive by stealing loaves of bread and playing at dice, besides! That’s how you write like Robert Jordan, friends.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960 – “Path of Doom (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960 – “Path of Doom (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Clark Kent can’t fly and he can’t help and he fell and broke his damn arm like a complete wuss. Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. This universe’s Lex Luthor appears willing to legitimately help, which is TOTALLY BIZZARO! So to speak.

Lois and Jon are watching the fight at home even though Lois doesn’t want to show Jon the utter CARNAGE, but Jon is totally whooping it up. But then Superman fucks up and causes the whole city block to explode! And now he seems to be missing, just in time for Doomsday to take the fuck over and wreak more havoc!

And I’ve got a cake in the oven! ACTION!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960 [September, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 4)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960

Cover art tells me that Wonder Woman needs to jump in and save the day. Always picking up after Superman’s mess. He should pay her $150,000,000 for her time and efforts. Sell the Fortress of Solitude. Oh wait, that’s worth $20.

Mr. Robe, watching the action on his screens, is happy with the progression of events so far. Superman buried under rubble caused by Doomsday’s destruction while the wife and kid watch AND, if you can believe it, a second Clark Kent flailing around the scene. One who has no powers. One who is likely from Earth, just like the rest of the slobs populating the planet.

Before Doomsday has a chance to crush Clark into paste, Wonder Woman swoops down, scoops up the hapless nerd, and flies him away to safety. Or jumps around; I don’t think Wonder Woman can fly. She can just lasso you with her rope and learn all your dirty sex secrets.

Clark Kent wonders what Wonder Woman is doing here. Wonder Woman wonders what Clark Kent is doing here. The Wondering Woman says she’ll explain her end later once they find a bandaid and a lollipop for Clark. The guy’s arm is broken, as we know, and that’s more than enough evidence to show that he’s not actually Superman. Wonder Woman rips the sleeve off from Clark’s impossibly muscular arm and fashions a makeshift sling for the other arm. Good job, Wonder Woman! He’s fixed!

Superman erupts from out of the rubble and screams Doomsday’s name. Like this: “DOOMSDAY!” He goes back to fighting, which is boring, but Jon Kent doesn’t seem to think so. He rallies from the comfort of his farmhouse, pumping his fist in glee. “Dad is back an’ he’s got help!”

Superman punches the stone guy in the face like it’ll do anything. 3,272 blows to the face in three seconds and all it does it scrape up Superman’s porcelain, velvety knuckles. Wonder Woman enters the fray while Doomsday grabs Superman’s little peanut head with one rocky hand.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960

Like Shaq palming a basketball.

In one motion, Wonder Woman grabs Doomsday’s other hand and throws him across the street. She doesn’t even break a sweat, it was like throwing a wad of paper in the garbage can. “Diana,” says Superman. “Good to see you again.” And Wonder Woman says “fuck off, cunt.”

No, she’s happy to see him, too. Or there’s something in her pocket. At any rate, the two of them are rejuvenated and ready to continue fighting. Wonder Woman mentions her surprise about the human Clark Kent, to which Superman responds with “yeah, ain’t that a friggin’ pickle?” He lifts up the ruins of a subway railcar. “I have no idea who he is or where he came from,” he claims.

Doomsday throws a van. Wonder Woman blocks it with her shield. “All that matters – is taking this beast down!”

Superman slams a whole railcar on Doomsday’s face. KRAMM! “Try this!” says Superman. The force is so strong that it creates a hole in the Earth deep enough to pee in and never hear the trickle. OK, new tactics! Let’s find a way to get Doomsday out of the city before he murders all the citizens. Meanwhile, Jon Kent yells “YES!” so loud that he shatters the living room window. This draws the attention of Doomsday about 450 miles away.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Lois says nonplussed. “We’ll keep working on helping you control your abilities so they don’t hear you in the next county. Or state.”

Superman, down in the hole, mansplains to Wonder Woman that Doomsday is capable of killing anyone and that he must be stopped. However, Wonder Woman astutely observes that Doomsday is no longer in the hole. Superman is like “IMPOSSIBLE!” Wonder Woman is like “use your eyes, dipshit.”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960

He pranced off to go bake some apology cookies.

SuperLex swoops into the mix. “You owe me an explanation. Both of you, in fact.”

The news report says that Doomsday disappeared from Metropolis, which pleases Jon profusely. “That bony ol’ monster was so chicken he ran away? Sweet!”

Nein! Doomsday is bouncing – literally bouncing away from Metropolis and toward the farm. Lois is disconcerted. Definitely not concerted. “Something’s wrong,” she thinks while Jon continues thinking the fight is over. I’m like, not yet kiddo! There are still two and a half issues left of the story!

“Don’t make demands of me, Luthor,” say Superman all tough-guy like. “EVER.” Wonder Woman tells Lex that Doomsday is mean. Superman goes over Doomsday’s history, which I can summarize as follows: Doomsday is a 250,000-year-old scientific experiment in which a being was created to survive anything. This was caused by repeatedly killing a baby until the baby couldn’t die anymore. Lex thinks this is genius. I think it’s fucked up.

Jimmy Olsen is ejaculating over Wonder Woman’s presence. “Think the whole League will be here?”

Wonder Woman asks if killing Doomsday will just mean he’ll reappear again. And all this dying and living and dying and living has taught him to hate Kryptonians for some reason! Hey! Wait a minute! Jon Kent is Kryptonian!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960

Jon Bon Jovi, of course! We need to stop Doomsday before we lose a national treasure!

FOOOOSH! Superman flies away to return home before Doomsday shows up to his house to sit on the roof and then fart really hard on the house, crumbling it into teeny tiny splinters.

Lois’ intuition has reached a conclusion. “Get in the truck,” she orders her son. “NOW!” Then Lois drives like a crazy woman to get as far from the house as possible, but too bad Doomsday travels 45 miles of distance between bounces.

On the other hand, Superman travels 45 miles of distance in two nanoseconds, and since he used his Car Finding Powers he was able to leap right in front of the truck, scaring the bejeesus out of Lois. “Don’t worry. I have you,” he says after Lois suffers a major coronary infarction.

Jon Kent gets to meet the wondrous Wonder Woman. Lois says it’s good to see Wonder Woman again even though she and Superman have been fucking each other for decades. They have a warm heart-to-heart about being friends now which makes me groan and moan and shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails just to distract myself from the pain.

“Doomsday would never run away,” Superman tells Lois, and she had thought the same thing, obviously.

“I’m glad you’re here with us,” says Lois.

“If he doesn’t show, which I hope is the case – I’ll have to go looking for him,” says Superman with a face of DETERMINATION.

They say they love each other, which prompts me to grab more bamboo shoots, but they are interrupted by a huge-ass BRAM! noise in the woods. Superman instructs his family to drive as fast and as far away as possible, and in the distance they all see Doomsday and Wonder Woman running up toward one another. Superman yells again to GO! GO! GO ALREADY, IDIOTS!

“I know what I have to do,” Superman thinks as Wonder Woman gets clocked in the mug so hard that other people’s teeth shatter.

Final Thoughts

BETTER CALL IN AQUAMAN WITH HIS SQUIRT GUN! It’s going to take more than brawn to beat Doomsday. You need brains. You need Lex Luthor brains, and he’s going to make some sort of mousetrap that’ll knock Doomsday’s dick right in the dirt.


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The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 6 – The Man and the Hole

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, had a not completely unpleasant run-in with the Blood Knight. He’s accepted a quest from this mysterious, scary figure, probably because he would be murdered by a sword if he didn’t pretend he was excited about it.

“Excellent, mortal! You have pleased me well. I would complete this task myself, but until the Goddess’s arrival I cannot risk standing in sunlight. As soon as Kiaransalee comes, she will grant me physical form. Then, for a time, I may roam free. Now go, fulfill your destiny!!!”

Uhh… not sure I want to touch this sword… seems like it will send me to Hell. Or Bayonne, New Jersey.

Milhouse gets released from whatever spell he was under that caused him to be frozen in his tracks and listen to the Blood Knight’s inexcusable long-windedness and mansplaining. The Blood Knight returns a state of inanimate objectness, so to speak. Still shaken from the encounter, Milhouse exits the house and finds all his belongings neatly arranged in a pile. That’s awfully convenient! Not a thing is missing! It’s almost as if it would have made sense to leave everything in the house! Oh well!

He picks up his newly acquired sword, his sack o’ stuff, and his bearings, and sets off for more adventure!

-Milhouse adds the Sword of Goddess’ Wrath to his inventory. It does 1d8 of slashing damage + 1d4 of fire damage, and it gives a +2 bonus on attack rolls against any undead creature. Far out, man.

-Shit, I forget that I have a +5 attack bonus on any cast spells. I could have defeated those Giant Wolf Spiders after all! Good thing I “did”, heh heh heh.

Shaking himself, thinking it all might have been a dream, Milhouse continues heading north along the path in the wood. He lets his guard down about possible traps since he has spent hours traversing through long stretches without incident. Eventually, he comes across a strange man wandering along the path. Bolstering his boldness and, with a complete lack of social anxiety, Milhouse strikes up a conversation with the man. He seems friendly enough, Milhouse observes. “Do you live here in Weathercote Wood?” he asks the man, obviously hitting him up with a hot meal and a feathered bed like a mooch. “I do,” he responds with a twinkle in his eye. Sounds like this man has an appetite for short little elves. He mentions an ability to talk to the wood; the birds, the deer, the trees. “They are all my friends.”

Milhouse notices several other weird things about this guy. He has the slimness and height of a halfling, but he has a deep, soothing baritone voice like Nick Cave! Plus, Milhouse now realizes that the man is resting his feet on what looks like the head of crumbled statue. Curiosity killed the cat, but Milhouse can’t help himself. “What is that statue that your rest your feet on, friend?”

Nothing to see here, folks. Haven’t you ever seen a man lounging on the head of a statue before?

Awfully presumptuous to call this man “friend”, don’t you think? The man thinks so, too. He furrows his brow and asks Milhouse what he’s doing here and what he wants. “You come here and disturb my reverie? How dare you?!” The man points to the statue. “You’ll suffer the same fate as him if you’re not careful, my friend!”

Eep! Milhouse is taken aback by the sudden gruffness. The man now sounds like Birthday Party-era Nick Cave. “I meant nothing by it, friend. Just curious,” Milhouse says meekly, but the man does not accept the apology. He asks Milhouse to be on his way immediately. Not wanting to UNLEASH THE BEAST any further, Milhouse leaves the odd, aggressive man to himself and continues on his way. He goes around a bend cut into the wood by a small river and continues on, instilling his earlier cautiousness after the less than ideal run-in with the man.

-Stealth check (D10) = 10 + 3 = 13. Stealthy it is. He checks for traps (Roll Perception D9 = 19 + 0 = 19 = Success! No traps found.

After kicking trees and scraping the ground a bit, Milhouse determines that it’s safe to press on. Eventually, he finds a clearing that looks like a good place to rest. After all that Blood Knight business (and after almost having to fight a man to the death, probably, maybe, not really), Milhouse needs to soothe his aching bones! Finding a nice, sturdy hollow tree truck, he unfurls his bedroll and gets cozy. The provisions are scarce and hunger hasn’t set in, so he feels like he could go another day or so without his stomach eating himself. Milhouse lies down and quickly falls asleep to the gentle sound of the wind whispering through the wood…

…and has the most refreshing sleep of his life.

-Milhouse recovers 1 hit die and all of his hit points, which means… uh… he recovers completely from that strenuous spider fight… yeah…

Encouraged by the newfound pep in his step, Milhouse explores the clearing. Sticks, twigs, wildlings running around all willy-nilly. Milhouse pauses and soaks in the sights. Perhaps one day he’d like to settle down here in Weathercote Wood… as long as strange men resting on statues don’t harass him. The idea dissipated as soon as it entered his mind.

Milhouse is an idiot and will not first send in a canary.

Milhouse discovers a large, elongated hole in the ground in the area. Not one to shy away from sinister-looking holes in the ground, Milhouse approaches it, edges forward every so slowly, and peers down into its depthy blackness. Hmm… part of Milhouse wants to back away and forget about the hole, but the more adventurous part of him wants to bungee down that hole while screaming in ecstasy. Meeting the middle ground, Milhouse carefully climbs down into the hole. After a litany of tumbling stones and rocky grabs, he reaches a dark bottom and winds through a burrow that gets darker and darker as he progresses…

…but then he sees a light! There is definitely something ahead. Milhouse continues, realizing he’s travelling through an old, abandoned mine. Rusted equipment, such as pickaxes and excavators, lie against the walls. But ahead, oh ho, but ahead a fire burns in a brazier. Whatever that is! *checks dictionary* A barbecue. Is someone nearby…? The brazier brings a very comfortable warmth to the cavern, but it’s still quite unsettling that the place seems to be recently inhabited… or even currently inhabited! Oh no!

More investigating reveals a small recess in a cavern wall that holds a locked chest, a small stack of scrolls and books, a pile of random items such as silver goblets, scattered jewelry, even paintings leaning against the wall. One of the scrolls appears to be a map of the mine. Milhouse now realizes that he has stumbled upon a thieves’ den, and is torn between running away as quickly as his little elf legs can carry him, or staying put and exploring more. A conundrum to say the least.

But that will be a decision for another time, my friends! What will Milhouse do? I hope you don’t lose sleep over this fuckery.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 27: “Tel’aran’rhiod”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Kitchen duty! The girls are scrubbing pots and pans and mopping floors and cleaning microwaves. Verin steps into the kitchen wide-eyed like she just entered the mothership and asks loudly if the girls had found anything out yet. The answer is: shut up. Other Aes Sedai enter for various legitimate reasons, and Egwene suspects every single damn one of them for being a rotten Black Ajah piece of shit.

Later they all retire to Egwene’s room. Elayne talks about wanting a Green Ajah orgy, and Egwene knows that Elayne wants to bone Rand. After this brief diversion, Egwene is ready to use her ter’angreal ring. They discuss the possible benefits of all three using it at once, but Egwene is insistent that she wants the two of them watching her in case things go awry. Egwene goes to sleep and OH BOY ANOTHER DREAM SEQUENCE.

This one is better though, because it’s kinda like lucid dreaming. She’s in a pretty meadow, wearing a pretty dress, and decides that this isn’t as scary as Verin made it out to be. No way that it’s actually dangerous, you know?

She finds Perrin chained to a pillar with a large wolf nearby. The wolf bares its fangs at Egwene, and Egwene desperately tries to get Perrin’s attention before the wolf attacks and hurts/kills her in real life. Perrin snaps out of stupor, says “No! Egwene”, and then a door suddenly slams in Egwene’s face.

The next part of the dream involves Rand, who appears to be dreaming himself and is very wary of any visitors. He’s downright rude is what he is, yelling at Egwene to go away, filthy harpy! His own mother offered him a poisoned cake. His own father had brandished a knife. And some other woman offered KISSES! Rand cannot be swayed by kisses! Not anymore!

Egwene runs away and desperately asks her ring for some real answers. She opens her eyes and she’s in a large, domed chamber. A hideous old woman named Silvie shows up, recognizing Egwene even though Egwene doesn’t recognize her. Silvie says here in the Heart of the Stone there are all sorts of great, lovely answers that she seeks! She calls Ishamael, one of the Forsaken, a fool, and encourages Egwene to do the same. She complies and calls the Dark One a fool. She gets giddy about that.

There’s a sword hovering in the air. Callandor, the Sword That Is Not a Sword, the Sword That Cannot Be Touched, the Sword That Looks Like a Penis. Egwene reaches out with her saidar and discovers that there seems to be a barrier over the sword that is woven with both saidar AND saidin. So a man and a woman must joing forces, eh? Fun! Jon Arbuckle and MJ Watson is my guess.

Egwene tries to leave but she can’t. Silvie taunts her mildly, saying that she shouldn’t be here if she can’t get out. Then Silvie tells her not to worry, that she’ll put her back safely in her bed. Then Egwene shrieks in pain like Silvie stuck a red hot poker up her vagina.

Egwene wakes up to find no visible injuries. Elayne and Nynaeve report that Egwene never moved or muttered in her sleep, so they couldn’t tell anything was amiss. Egwene then speaks of Callandor in the Heart of the Stone in Tear, so now they know where the Black Ajah are going for sure. They all discuss making arrangements to leave for Tear. Elayne wants to send a letter to her mother, and Nynaeve has the perfect person to do it for her. Someone who is in the city and wants to leave anyway.

Someone with a Mat-y type name.

Someone who looks rather Cauthon-y

Someone like Galad! LOL!

What a long writeup. Sorry, folks! My typing fingers are itchy!


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