Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958 – “Path of Doom (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958 – “Path of Doom (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, the original “real” Superman / Clark Kent is dead, and this universe’s Lex Luthor has taken it upon himself to become Metropolis’ (and the world’s) new Superman. Well, some other Clark Kent who is some other universe’s Clark Kent doesn’t want smelly Lex Luthor to run the show, no matter what universe he may be from. So new Clark becomes Superman and has a standoff with Luthor.

Then Doomsday shows up, undermining what would be a better Superman vs. Lex Luthor storyline. So expect some suck for the next five issues.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958 [August, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 2)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958

“We came from another universe. Made this world home. Worked behind the scenes… to make it a better place. Then, the Superman that was here… died. Luthor declared himself to be his successor. I couldn’t allow that. Now I’ve gone public, in the middle of Metropolis, where I expected to see familiar faces like Jimmy Olsen. But some faces were all too familiar. First, a man claiming to be Clark Kent… and then… him. The monster that killed me. DOOMSDAY.”

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Are you all caught up, now? On top of shit? Good. Because I’m not. I forgot that there’s a Clark Kent hanging around even though Superman is supposed to be dead. That’s weird, right. Maybe it’s a mistake! So many Supermen to keep track of, you know. It’s easy to get all lost and fucked up! It must be that, yeah. It must be.

Jimmy is eating it up. “Clark Kent, Superman, Doomsday, and Superlex all in one shot? This is going to go viral!”

Now begins the ACTION! Superman thought at first that Doomsday was an illusion. A trick of the light. Smoke and mirrors. A rabbit in a hat. The ol’ bait-and-switch. No dice, comrade. Doomsday is big and beefy and ready to twist your little Superman body into a big, fluffy pretzel. So bring your A-game.

Meanwhile, Lois and Li’l Jon are watching the action at home. Concerned. Petrified. Gassy. A mysterious robed man – because there is always a mysterious robed man – views both the fight and Lois/Jon at home on his surveillance console. “Rarely do the pieces fall into place so quickly,” he says. “Much will be learned this day. Much will be gained”

Oh ho ho ho, I bet. This guy looks like a mage, staff and all. He looks like he’s going to cast Blizzaga. Nerd.

“With that kinda name, Doomsday must be pretty tough,” Jon says worriedly.

“Not so tough that your dad can’t handle him,” Lois replies. Then Jon points at that dork Clark Kent on TV and wonders who that is. He looks like dad, but he’s not dead! What gives, lady? And Lois, she just buries her head in her hands and wonders if the world is TOPPLING ALL OVER HER AS THEY SPEAK.

Probably.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958

Well, Jon, that’s not Clark Kent. That’s Stephen Colbert.

Superman is punching Doomsday with fists of fury while urging all the civilians to run away and go do civilian things somewhere else. “Get away from here as fast as you can!” he yells in everyone’s sensitive, tender ears. Meanwhile, Clark is asking why he’s part of the story, and Jimmy tells him that’s he’s been publicly outed as Superman. Lois did it, dude, she betrayed you and everything about you. Even your tiny dick! And now, you stand before Jimmy when Superman is in the same room as him at the same time, so to speak. That never happens! So who are you really, “Clark Kent??”

“I know what you’re saying, but I did what I had to, Jim.” Clark grits his teeth. “I did it to survive.”

Superman’s fight with Doomsday is frustrating. The evil villain-type beast appears to be moving faster or something. Harder to hit. Stronger, too. And more dashing! But at least Lex also has a vested interest in keeping Metropolis safe, so if you figure out what that is then I’m all ears! “Much as I hate to admit it, Lex could be helpful,” Superman thinks as Lex bashes Doomsday with his own fists of fury.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958

What an absolute turd of an idea. Are you sure you want to be this universe’s Superman?

“No matter what weapon I use, it has no effect,” Superman complains as he keeps trying to blast Doomsday, who is some sort of rock monster or something? With green pants? Superman thinks this might be the real Doomsday. His Doomsday. Which is to say… man, I can’t keep track of which Superman is from which universe. Did the comic book already fuck it up?

“It’s as if he simply appeared,” Superman thinks of Doomsday, who pretty much did simply appear, as everyone recalls. Superman considers throwing Doomsday into the sun, but that would require actually having the upper hand on this shit. He does not.

Clark and Jimmy are watching Superman flail. “Superman expects to beat Doomsday by flying straight up?” Clark asks. Yes, Superman is dumb. I’ve been saying this for years. Doomsday knees Superman right in the face with big stone spike. Blood is fucking everywhere, man! “UH!” Superman says. This cat is much stronger than Superman. He’s going to lose.

Lex Luthor has just noticed that Clark is standing there while Superman is flying over there. “Two impostors? And not one of you has any sense?”

Jon watched Superman’s jaw get impaled, basically, by Doomsday’s knee. “He can’t do that to my dad!” he says, mouth agape. Lois turns off the TV. Nuts to this! Her son ain’t gonna watch his daddy get killed on national TV! He’s going to watch him die at home! As long as he eats his lima beans.

Doomsday continues to pummel Superman. It’s pitiful.

Jon runs to the front yard. “If you won’t let me watch, I’ll go there! I can help!” And Lois yells at him while the kid tries to flap his little wings. Meanwhile, Jimmy is yelling at Clark to go help, but Clark can’t fly! He can’t help! He’s just some dork who writes for a newspaper, he swears it!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #958

I’ll give you this, Kent. *unzips pants*

Doomsday smashes a public transportation rail. Luthor wants help evacuating the area while the train on the line starts falling to the ground. People in the railcars are like “NOOOO!”, but I’m all like “oh yes, yes, yes!” Luthor tries to catch the train, but Superman does it instead. Because he rules and Lex drools.

“Luthor,” Superman says, holding the train. “Take over for me. Save these people – while I deal with him.” The “him” he’s referring to is Doomsday and not Jimmy Fallon. He’ll deal with Jimmy Fallon later.

“No. You finish saving the people,” Lex responds, flying toward Doomsday. “I’ll keep Doomsday off your back.”

Good luck, Baldy. Superman places the train gently on the ground and starts helping people out of it while Lex fumbles and sucks. Doomsday takes a big swipe at Lex and ruins his armor immediately. Doomsday’s got his hand on Lex’s head and he’s about to crush it like an egg!

This is a cliffhanger, but we all hope that Lex’s big fat head runs yolk everywhere.

Final Thoughts

I simply cannot wait to see how all this convolution resolves itself. Also I, like many readers, don’t have any vested interest in Lex Luthor being at all alive, so I want to see gruesomely graphic instances of gore and mangled body parts in the next few issues. Or I’m out.


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Season 9, Episode 3 – “Lisa the Simpson”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 3 - Lisa the Simpson

“Lisa the Simpson”

Original Air Date:
March 8, 1998
Directed by:
Susie Dietter
Written by:
Ned Goldreyer

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Lisa fears she is losing her intelligence when she learns about the fabled Simpson gene. Meanwhile, Jasper freezes himself in the Kwik-E-Mart freezer.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Not a one.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

This episode doesn’t suck, but it’s yet another holdover from Season 8 when times were innocent and we didn’t have Marge belting out jokes like “IT’S A BEMUSEMENT PARK!” This is one of those touching, coming-of-age Lisa episodes where she learns that being herself is ok (especially since getting dumb is not in her future) even if she has to be a Simpson at the same time. The arc starts off early in the episode with the puzzle on the box, Grampa scares her with an off-the-cuff remark, and the episode resolves with an ending that is actually clever and makes sense. The Freezer Jasper side story is a little dumb, but we get a few good lines out of it (“Moon Pie? What an age we live in.”) Get in a few jokes about how Homer/Bart = dumb, add in some satisfying sight gags, and a scene with Troy McClure, and you have a recipe for an episode that would proudly nestle within the classic era.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 3 - Lisa the Simpson

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Listed as episode 3 of season 9 on Disney+
I dropped this one here in case anyone was wondering why I covered “Lisa the Simpson” so early. Now you know.

When Lisa holds up the puzzle on the back of her lunch (near the beginning of the episode), press the number 6 on your DVD remote to unlock a full episode length commentary from Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. They discuss their time spent working on the show, and address a few important issues.
“Address a few important issues”, such as “Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein leaving the show forever after ‘Lisa the Simpson’ was a very likely contributor toward the show’s nosedive” and “Had they known that The Simpsons would continue for over 25 more years, the duo would have firebombed the building.”

To answer Billy’s question, DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid.
Shut up.

As it was the final episode they ran, Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein wanted to end on a good note, with Weinstein stating that the episode “was meant to embody the humor, depth, and emotions of The Simpsons”. They also wished to have an episode they ran that was based on the background of every character they could do, and believed that this episode came out well.
This trend of stuffing the background with every recognizable character continues for the rest of the show’s infinite run, whittling down the total population of Springfield to 79 people.

On the DVD audio commentary, Ned Goldreyer stated, “I think this might have been the best episode ever produced.”
Ol’ Ned keeps his standards low.

FINAL GRADE
B+


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Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15 [November, 1988]

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

”The Write Stuff” – Harold Smith

Before the story starts proper, we are all treated to a full-page public service announcement, courtesy of Mr. Weatherbee, that the only effective weapon against AIDS is education! Thank you, Mr. Weatherbee!

Anyway, onto America’s most cheerful high school girls, both of whom are currently busy at the mall yelling at each other about Archie, of all people. Betty, you see, she accuses Veronica of monopolizing Archie’s time to the point where Betty hasn’t seen him in days. DAYS! Like, he’s not showing up for school because he’s chained up in one of Lodge Manor’s many dungeons.

Betty breaks up with Veronica over this, to which she replies with a big ol’ “That’s fine with me! I have lots of better, richer friends who have more in common with me! Who needs you?”

I’m sure newspapers wrote front page headlines about Betty and Veronica, Issue #15. This is serious news! B & V splitting! Say it ain’t so!

Jughead lounges in the food court in a tank top, crazy disappointed in the dynamic duo, ESPECIALLY since Betty cited Ronnie as an influence for her newspaper essay contest. Oh yes, yes, yes. Veronica perks up. “She said she was writing about me?” she asks, grabbing Jughead by his tiny little tank top shoulder straps. He flubs and gibbers, saying that she was merely an inspiration and nothing more! Now let go before he takes a big hamburger dump all over the floor!

But eep! Betty and Veronica just broke up! What kind of light will Betty paint Veronica in now?? Shit! They gotta be best friends again or Betty might write about that time that Veronica got her nose caught in Archie’s exhaust pipe trying to snort a line of coke out of it. It’s the ‘80s here, after all.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

Sure I have! Remember when I stole Archie from you within the last few days?? Wait, that’s not helping…

Veronica catches up and pleads with Betty to stay together. There’s an incentive: Veronica’s gonna start being the best friend ever! And, no, there’s not going to be any free money. Fuck you. But she’s got a whole pile of clothes she’s never worn that Betty can have. Remember that ALF shirt that goes with those ALF pants?? Who says Veronica’s not a good friend?!

“Look, Veronica, you don’t have to give me expensive gifts to be my friend! All you have to do is be thoughtful and considerate!” Betty exclaims, but there’s no fucking way Ronnie can handle that. Anyway, friends again? Don’t do a libel, please.

Betty asks Veronica if she knows what she’s writing about, anyway. And of course Veronica knows. Heh heh. ESP, right girlfriend? Anyway, I’m sure this won’t turn into a Thing.

A few days later, Juggie (wearing a dang scarecrow hat) informs Veronica that Betty has won the essay contest. Veronica cannot wait to read all about it; she zooms home from the beach just to catch Betty at the Chock’lit Shoppe to be all like “I’M EXCITED TO READ YOUR STUPID ESSAY IN THE PAPER TOMORROW!” and books it out of there.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

BEHOLD, THE HILARIOUS MISUNDERSTANDING!!!

Veronica is a nutcase about all this. She’s calling all of her friends to keep an eye on the paper tomorrow. “Hello, Cynthia?” she says over the phone to her 27th customer. “Watch the paper tomorrow! Betty Cooper wrote an essay all about me!”

Well, sir, eventually Veronica learns from a teaser in today’s paper that Betty’s essay is going to be all about how the subject has prominent ears, a long snout, and all sorts of other aardvarky attributes. We all have a good laugh while Veronica has a coronary. The end.

”Tough at the Top!” – Kathleen Webb

Veronica Lodge, in the flesh, tells us, the audience, in the flesh, that it’s not easy being popular. So prepare for eight pages of bitching after twelve pages of why she actually likes being popular.

-Veronica likes being a fashion trendsetter.

-Veronica likes people valuing her opinions.

-Veronica likes being invited to parties.

-Veronica likes being invited to dances.

-Veronica likes being invited to school committees.

-Veronica likes vaginas on her face.

It’s not all parties and vaginas, though! I mean, it’s mostly parties and vaginas. But there’s the seedy underbelly of it all. And Veronica wants to make sure that nobody is around to hear what she has to say, so I’m going to plaster the image on my blog for posterity.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

That’s an easy one, dearie. Grab a wrench and fix my car.

“If this were to get out, my whole reputation would crumble at my feet!” she says, yelling at me pasting the image of Veronica admitting to the whole world that she’d trade everything to be Betty Cooper for just a day. Here’s why: because Betty has love. I guess that’s a reason. *groan*

“Everybody loves Betty! Teachers, students, parents, children, animals, everybody! And the frustrating part is, what’s not to love? Betty is totally unselfish!”

Look, lady. Betty’s not all that’s cracked up to be. She’s a little too nice. How can you trust that shit? She even likes her. Veronica Lodge. The girl who is constantly trying to get her greasy mitts on Archie Andrews.

Veronica looks in a mirror, being the fairest one of all and such. But because she’s a teensy bit selfish, people hate her guts and want to disembowel her guts and then eat her guts and then stomp on her guts.

“As I said before, it’s not easy being popular…” Veronica opens the door to the next room where everyone is fawning over the loveable Betty. “… especially when you suspect… you’re not as popular as you think!!”

Veronica sheds a single tear. I laugh uproariously!

”The Exercists” – Hal Smith

Mr. Cooper is making Betty clean out the entire garage because he’s a fat, lazy asshole. Looks like she broke her back for six straight hours, that deserves a reward! “How would you like to take a break and go play tennis with your old dad?” Mr. Cooper asks, looking like quite the smiley boy. Betty would be delighted to such a thing! *farts*

There’s an ulterior motive to tennis, you see. Betty’s dad recognizes that he’s becoming quite the fatty fat and he needs more exercise, so let’s walk to the tennis courts instead of driving fourteen feet. That’ll get the blood pumpin’ something fierce! Too bad Mr. Cooper is about a shake of a lamb’s tail away from a massive heart attack, requiring triple bypass surgery and a smack on the head with a cane!

They finally make it to the tennis courts and, hey, guess what?! Dad sucks at tennis! He’s really fucking the butt over here! Hitting it in the ditches and on top of roofs, making Betty get each and every single one. “Oh no! Not again!” she keeps saying. Pretty soon she’s dead of heat stroke and no one goes to her funeral.

Time to go home, I guess. Dad complains about a leg cramp because he hasn’t eaten enough sexy bananas. Hey, though, Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe is right down the street. Why don’t you cart your excessive rump into the diner and order about 30 mozzarella sticks while Betty gets the car. Jughead’s already in there eating hamburgers because he has no other hobbies. Join him for some fatty, greasy bullshit! Jughead is an enabler and I blame him for Mr. Cooper’s timely death. He ate five Popburgers! What the fuck!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

Pack it up, Dad. You’re fired!

What we have here is a sad dad! Also, Betty lost 10 pounds playing tennis? Was she sticking her finger down her throat in the bathroom?

”Bless the Mall” – Hal Smith

Do Archie comics have any goddamned women writing these stories? I don’t want to read a story about the mall written by a guy named Hal Smith.

So, anyway, I’m reading this story about the mall written by a guy named Hal Smith and Veronica doesn’t want to go to the mall at all because she’d rather shop at home. And no, not on Jeff Bezos Presents: Amazon.com because this is 1988 and the internet wouldn’t be around for at least another 35 years. No, no, no, we’re talking video shopping! QVC, baby. No more parking lots and traffic, son.

Betty thinks home shopping networks are hella tacky, and I’m inclined to agree wholeheartedly. Have you seen the stuff they sell on there? Earrings that look like church stained glass windows for $900? I’ve seen gnarly flip-flops being sold. Go to the store, losers.

But no, this isn’t just any home shopping network! Veronica’s going to buy some baubles from England! Mr. Lodge bought a satellite dish and now she can purchase in style, guv’nor. “It took months of my best whining to get my dad to do it!!” Veronica says happily.

“Next we have this beautiful necklace for just ten pounds…” says the drawling voice on the 17-inch TV.

“How much is that in American money?” Betty asks, concerned.

“Who cares?” Veronica responds hungrily. Betty gets bored. She can’t even try this stuff on! It’s mall time, homie.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

Buying stuff shouldn’t be easy. It should be really hard. You should be American Ninja Warror-ing your way to a pair of jeans.

After spending roughly $4,000 on commemorative belt buckles, Veronica starts getting bored too. It’s mall time, homie. But first, Archie stops by to check out this special home shopping network that everyone’s been talking about at the ol’ watering hole! Veronica misses the mall. She looks quite haggard, like she just suffered through a large home shopping enema.

Archie’s got an idea! He goes to his car to get some audio equipment. Listen to this dumb shit:

“First we turn on the faucet and put this walkie-talkie here… and place the other on this table, and we have the sound of a waterfall… then we put a frozen pizza into the microwave to get the smell of a pizza shop! …And we put one of your dad’s dweeby albums on the stereo for mall music! And then I’ll make some mall-type announcements on a mike like this!”

BLIP BLAP BLOOPITY DOO! WELCOME TO THE MALL!

Mr. Lodge gets mad. He didn’t pay $400,000 for a satellite dish so that Veronica can turn their living room into a “cacophonous shopping plaza!” He grabs an ax, intending to chop down the dish like it’s a fucking tree in the backyard.

Well, that’s that. It was fun while it lasted. It’s mall time, homie.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15

THIS OCCASION CALLS FOR SOME CONVERTIBLE DRIVIN’!

Final Thoughts

Dear Betty and Veronica, my name is Margaret Sappingstrom from Borking Falls, Colorado. Why does my nail polish smell like burning brain? Thank you.

This is Veronica! Great question! What I would do is grab all your nail polish, open them all up, and take a nice, big huff! If it still smells like things are on fire, call 9-1-1 and alert the fire station. They’ll spray you with a hose! Thanks for writing!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 23: “Sealed”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Instead of being fearful, Egwene steps back into the Accepted Trial Room shaking with anger that, in every scenario, she abandons Rand. She’s like “IS THAT ALL I EVER DO, YOU UNSYMPATHETIC BITCHES?!” and the rest of the Aes Sedai in the room are like “control yourself, child, you just won the prize”.

The room is very unnerved, though. There’s basically a crowd of Aes Sedai there now, and Sheriam is relieved to find Egwene not a dead mess of skin and bones. Even Elaida is visibly relieved. They finish the ceremony, throw some new clothes on her, and Egwene can’t help but notice how anticlimactic it all was. The Amyrlin Seat gifts her her new ring, and then demands some eventual answers to what had happened in the room tonight.

The bundle of clothes and paperwork (and the ter’angreal ring) is returned to Egwene. Everything looks to be in proper order without anyone being Ms. Snoopy about it, but Egwene will never know for sure.

So, anyway, Egwene nearly died and no one knows why. Egwene suspects that the ter’angreal ring in the room interfered with the ter’angreal arches, but she’s not fessing up to that one anytime soon. Elaida makes a point to tell Egwene that, as a “wilder”, she’ll never see Egwene as a true Sister in her eyes. Egwene thinks that if she’s not a Black Ajah, then she’s a cunt anyway.

Alanna, who spoke up about the hum before the Trials, feels responsible enough for almost getting Egwene killed that she offers to help her scrub pots and pans for the next decade, but Egwene doesn’t want to make a fuss. The Amyrlin is adamant against the idea too, so that’s that.

Egwene asks Alanna what it means to be a Green Ajah. It means you like to fuck, basically. Besides that, Green Ajah are colloquially known as the “Battle Ajah” because they usually join the men on the battlefield. There’s just that much passion.

After the whole bruhaha is over, Egwene returns to Nynaeve’s room to find Elayne sobbing in Nynaeve’s lap. Finally having the weight of the evening crash down on her, Egwene starts sobbing too. Nynaeve tells them it will get better with time, but shit will suck right now for a few weeks or so.

*trumpet fanfare* *fart noise* Congratulations, Egwene. Have a cake.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54 – “Hollywood (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Hollywood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54 – “Hollywood (Part 1)”! More Spider-Man than you can shake a stick at! In the previous storyline, Spider-Man has another run-in with Wilson Fisk, who just beat a murder charge like a rich asshole. Fisk is after a tablet that his comatose wife needed for some reason that’s not apparent yet, but will be in about ten more storylines.

And who stole the tablet? A “villain” who fancied herself as “Black Cat”. She died!

A bunch of other stuff happened too, like Peter Parker getting fired from the Daily Bugle and then J. Jonah Jameson’s heart growing three sizes that day and giving him his job back. MJ ran away from home. Peter Parker washed the skidmarks out of his underpants. The usual stuff.

Let’s get right back into it!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54 [May, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 1)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54

Even though Aunt May herself is 87 years old, her mother is still alive! And she’s going to visit her in Florida for a whole week before the polar ice caps melt and the whole state gets submerged while everyone rejoices. “Now, I don’t want any hanky-panky…” he tells Peter while Gwen stands right next to him. Please don’t get cum all over the house, kid. Remember last time…

“Are we allowed to have hanky without the panky?” asks Gwen.

“Or just panky?” Peter adds.

“I think panky gets us in the trouble area,” says Gwen.

“Well if I can’t have the panky what’s the point of the hanky?” says Peter.

Hardy har har. Aunt May can decide NOT to visit her mother in the iron lung! That’ll show you, you fucking brats.

“How about shenanigans?” asks Gwen.

Aunt May gives up, tells them there’s a lasanga in the freezer so don’t burn down the house cooking it, and see you scamps in a week. She gives them $300 for the week to spend on food and oversized novelty hats. Once May is gone, Gwen asks Petey to cough up the $150. And the week begins.

Peter sits at the table and eats a sad bowl of cereal while taking stock in his life. He’s broke, he needs to work more at the Bugle, MJ’s grounded so that sucks, and he wants to go to the movies. He spends a lot of time thinking about going to the movies. If this is May, 2004 then The Day After Tomorrow comes out soon! That shit’s gonna suck hard! Should be fun!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54

Avi Arad is right! Spider-Man fucks!

As Peter thinks about movies, the news on TV talks about movies. Namely, a movie about Spider-Man that’s being shot right in New York City. Directed by Sam Raimi! How about that, huh? Fiction is crazy sometimes!

Avi Arad, the film’s producer (ha, crazy!) calls Spider-Man a loser, a nobody, a tragic nerd. But when he dons the Spider-Man jammies, the world watches! And that’s what the film will explore. The nerdy, jerkoff loser who everyone loves to hate and hates to love and all that noise.

Peter is watching this with a giant sneer plastered on his face, ESPECIALLY when they announce that Tobey Maguire will be filling the role as the titular hero himself! Peter gets so mad that he absent-mindedly tears the basement door off its hinges.

“Hey, do you think they’re going to include the part in the movie where Spider-Man killed my dad?” Gwen asks conversationally.

*record scratch*

Moving on to Ryker’s Island, not to be confused with William T. Riker’s Island, Doctor Otto Octavius sits like a forlorn lump on his cell bed. He wears sunglasses, of course, because of eyeballs. Whatever that means, I don’t know what that means. I just wrote that and I’m not backspacing it.

Octavius’ adjacent cell neighbor shows him the day’s paper. “A SPIDER-MAN MOVIE? YOU BET!” reads the front page headline. The dude starts mocking him; apparently, Ock’s wife is a paid consultant. They’re going to use his story in the movie! Isn’t that an lol and an lmao? “Hey, how you doing now that S.H.I.E.L.D. took your arms away from you? Sent here to rot for the rest of your worthless life?”

While this guy relentlessly, and I mean relentlessly, insults Doc Ock, the dude just sits there steadily frowning. He’s going to bash this dude’s skull in with a metal dildo and blow up Ryker’s Island using only a paperclip and a string of dental floss.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54

This smelly dude wouldn’t be allowed within 450 miles of a theater.

At school the next day, the student body is discussing the Spider-Man movie. Kong wants to go into the city and audition to be an extra. Yeah, Fat Kid #4. MJ can’t go because she’s grounded like a salty little peanut.

“We totally get paid and we get to be in a movie,” Kong says, explaining the intricacies how it all works. “My uncle was in Rocky.”

“Maybe you can audition for the roll of Kingpin,” suggests Flash.

“Now what does that mean?” Kong asks, looking hurt.

“Means you’re bald and fat.”

Then Flash slaps Kong like a bitch, and a brawl ensues. MJ, meanwhile, wryly nudges Parker about the movie. With Tobey Maguire! LOL!

Meanwhile, Doc Ock lounges on his bed and stares up at the ceiling… and then… suddenly… he… he… he smirks…

AND THEN WE CUT TO THE “TRISKELION”, HEADQUARTERS AND HOME OF THE ULTIMATES, THE U.S.-SANCTIONED SUPERHUMAN TASK FORCE CREATED BY NICK FURY AND S.H.I.E.L.D.!!!!

(?)

Here in the Triskelion lab, a “thunk”ing sound is repeatedly heard by the two scientists roaming around the room looking busy. It is suspected at first to be the air conditioning, but it’s coming from inside a locker. One scientist opens the locker with his keycard, then FOUR METAL TENTACLES leap out and strangle the two scientists to hella death. I guess Doc Ock has a telepathic connection to these stupid arms? He keeps smiling in his cell, like he’s going to start fucking Spider-Man’s world up within another few hours. Maybe.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54

You’ve just described the whole pornography industry, kid.

OH MAN, SHOOTING IS UNDERWAY. Tobey Maguire is hanging around complaining about his mask shifting around his face. The REAL Spider-Man shows up with a few choice words for Maguire and the rest of the cast and crew. The he starts doing twirls and backflips, saying the movie is going to suck some Mike’s Hard Ass because Tobey Maguire can’t do twirls and backflips.

Then Spider-Man asks Sam Raimi straight up how he can make this movie without his EXPRESSED WRITTEN PERMISSION. Because Spider-Man’s a public figure, in the public domain, so eat turds, young man.

“And we did get the rights from Roselita Octavius and Cher Osborn,” says Raimi’s assistant.

“Who is Cher Osborn?” Spider-Man asks.

“Norman Osborn’s half-sister.”

“Norman Osborn has a half-sister named Cher?”

Hey! You fought the Green Goblin, right Spidey? What’s he like! We’re trying to tap into the psyche of Norman Osborn! Really see what makes the dude click like a failing pacemaker. Spider-Man refuses to help these guys with their already-tanking movie. He takes his leave with a final “YOU!! PEOPLE!! SUCK!!” and webs his way out of the film set while his antics get filmed for posterity.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #54

Time to recreate the upside-down kiss! Pucker up!

We end with Doc Ock’s sentient metal arms finding their way to Ryker’s Island to reunite with their master. Next, Doc Ock will break out of prison. Let’s go kill Alfred Molina!

Final Thoughts

Another showdown with the Stinky, Slimy Octopus is nigh! Who’s going to win this time! Spider-Man has the incumbent’s advantage, of course, but Doc Ock is the maverick! It’s gonna be a close race!


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