Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #138!

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #138 [December, 2000]

”Here’s the Scoop!” – Craig Boldman

Jughead’s wearing winter gear and is holding a snow shovel! It’s summer! Archie can’t fucking STAND it!

“Everyone says I’m lazy! So I gave in!” says Jughead. “Taking a summer job!”

“But… snow shoveling?” Archie points to his head full of brains. “THINK!”

Jughead smiles smugly in the way that Jughead does. It was Archie’s idea in the first place, and who cares if he suggested it seven months ago? Jughead has some snow to find and then shovel once he finds it. Tally ho!

Veronica thinks it’s a riot. Jughead picked the one job that no one would need him to do right now. Foolproof!

Jughead knocks on Veronica’s door and offers to shovel her snow. That’s not a sexual euphemism, friends. Jughead’s asexual or something. Get your minds out of the cunting gutter, kids. “Does our walk look like it needs shoveling?” Veronica asks, motioning toward all the not-snow all over her front walkway.

“Well, I admit it looks clear… but it doesn’t pay to be too hasty!” Jughead says, wagging a finger at Veronica. “There may be a snow-melting drift lurking under a bush!” he says, crouching down like a total jackass. I’m beginning to think that Jughead isn’t playing with a full deck. He’s missing some spades, if you will. Except he’s holding a shovel, but you know what I mean.

You can check the freezer for ice, I suppose, you massive dumbshit.

Well, since there’s no snow, how about Smithers brings some tall, cool glasses of hella lemonade?? Veronica’s dad has hired a dump truck to bring in some sand to turn their swimming pool area into a beach! Lemonade and the beach, man. That’s the business. Too bad Jughead fucks it all up by hitting a switch on the truck and dumps the sand all over the driveway with a big FLUMP! Go pound sand, Jughead. No one likes you.

Well, looks like Jughead has his work cut out for him, because Veronica turned on the ol’ fire eyes and DEMANDS that the loser with the gray crown shovels the sand back up. Juggie couldn’t be more unhappy about this. Actual work is for the birds! But it’s better than catching the wrath from Mr. Lodge, who will use his money to hire assassins to snipe Jughead right in the dick.

It’s cool, though! Jughead throws all the sand back into the truck without too much complaining! He gets into the driver’s seat himself, backs up to the pool, and dumps all the sand right in it!

Talk about a boner!

I think what Veronica meant to say was “I’m going to reach up your butthole and tie your large intestine into a big, fat knot.”

So Ronnie drains the pool and DEMANDS that Jughead scoop up that wet sand. This is a shirtless job if there ever was one, and Jughead’s ripped. Jacked as all hell! Just in time for Mr. Lodge to see his well-oiled pecs. “I spread your beach for you, sir!” he ejaculates, trying to get on the old man’s good side so he can be paid $4,000,000 in hamburgers.

BUT, Mr. Lodge had some sand shipped from Nassau instead. Pure white as snow! Shovel that up, you ingrate.

But Jughead would rather travel to the arctic circle. “I hear there’s less to shovel there!

Then he dies of hypothermia and exposure. No one goes to his funeral. The end.

”Redecoration Day” – Smith (?)

Some guy named just “Smith” wrote this. Maybe it’s Robert Smith of the Cure. Or all the collective members of the Smiths! We can only dream.

Jughead’s got one of those large shopping carts that old ladies bring onto city buses. “Pop has just redecorated his place!” he says after Archie thinks he’s gonna get a big ol’ supply of hamburgers (with a devilish wink to boot!) Pop is getting rid of his old window displays and Jughead is going to decorate his bedroom with them. Signs advertising ice cream and hot dogs. This is the shit he’s going to hang on his walls. This perpetual virgin.

Archie gives the audience a “huh” face. The end. Seriously.

”Shorts Subject”

This one doesn’t even have a writer! This story was written by ChatGPT! It’s gonna be like “Jujhed likes the humbergers” and we’ll all enjoy it or else!

Archie and Reggie flex their GIANT MUSCLES in front of a mirror. And I’m not even exaggerating about the giant muscles. These two actually are legitimately jacked just like Jughead. It’s like they took all those stupid Charles Atlas lessons that these stupid comics keep advertising! “All that exercise and pumpin’ iron has paid off!” says Archie with a wry ARCH of an eyebrow. “Look at that healthy glow!”

They talk about all their sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, squats, planks, jogs, sprints, pole vaults, tanning beds, pummel horses, uneven bars, parallel bars, fat men standing on their backs, and those machines that make their fat jiggle. “All those missed pizzas will pay off when the babes get a load of us!” Reggie says as they drive to the beach.

They get to the beach at it’s full of naked fat dudes. Just kidding! But that would be funny if they drove to a beach full of naked fat dudes. That would be hilarious. But there are no girls. “That’s funny… the place is usually infested with beach beauties!”

rofl

They see what’s going on. All the girls have flocked to Jughead, who’s wearing MC HAMMER FLAME SHORTS. Quite proudly, I might add. Like he doesn’t have a modicum of self-awareness. The girls are forgetting to laugh at him.

“What’s this?” Reggie asks a young lass.

“That bathing suit is a scream!” she responds.

A couple of dudes whose muscles are so big that their practically choking their beefy necks walk away despondent. “We can’t compete with those stupid swim trunks!” one mopes. Archie drags Jughead away from the ladies and demands an explanation.

“It’s a nice suit!” Juggie says, flaring them like a peacock. His pasty skin brings out the flamey colors! He looks like he’s late for the clown show circus!

Betty and Veronica approach, and Archie and Reggie think that these two honeys have noticed their IMPRESSIVE PHYSIQUES, but they just want to fellate Jughead’s shorts. “Competition like this we don’t need!” Archie shouts angrily! Time to pull down those stupid shorts and expose Jughead’s little fish dick.

That would be my idea, but Reggie brandishes a $20 and tells Jugs to lose the shorts tout suite. That’ll do it! Jug is going to go back to his hot car and strip naked for a minute or two. Bye guys!

Jughead drapes his shorts and his jeans over the car, and (and here’s the roflmao part of things here) they get stolen by a couple-a dogs! Panic! Anxiety! What to do now!

Now that Juggy-Jugs is out the picture, Archie and Reggie can get back to posing seductively for all the beach hotties!

But then all their attention has been taken by Jughead wearing a cardboard box around his nethers. It’s the fashion statement of the millennium! Everyone continues being dumb as shit. The end.

Hot Dog in “From Thirst to Worst”

We’re going to get a soporific story about Jughead’s dumb dog now. So Jughead lounges in a chair outside and asks his faithful pup to fetch him a drink. Sody pop or a Coors Light or something with equal bubblies. Hot Dog winks at the audience before going in the house and getting a Shempsey Soda for his master. The pop squirts all over Jughead’s face when he opens it, and we all get a such a hearty laugh that we die of split sides.

“Gotta make amends,” Hot Dog thinks. “Where can I get another cola?” He finds a cup with a straw next to Reggie, who’s sitting by the curb ogling the girls with his rapey, undressing eyeballs.

“Now that’s service!” Jughead jubilates once Hot Dog returns with the stolen goods. BUT APPARENTLY Hot Dog’s canine teeth were so sharp that he poked a bunch of holes in the cup! D’oh! D’oh d’oh d’oh!

Hot Dog runs around in a tizzy! “I’d better get with it! It’d be embarrassing if my master died of thirst!”

Jughead has no parents, so the water bill hasn’t been paid since 1978.

Hot Dog grabs the garden hose and brings it to the crowned one, who is now snoozing in the hammock. The dog turns on the flow, and the hose whips around soaking Jugs to the bone!

Hot Dog feels like he has one more chance to do good or else he’ll be punted to the puppy mill. Aha, loose change under the couch cushions! Aha, a pop machine on a street corner for some reason in the year 2000! Aha, Hot Dog gets his nose stuck in the slot after grabbing the can! Aha, oh no, and help!

Luckily, Archie was just happening to pass by. He brings Jughead around to rat on his dog. “Man! He’s worked himself to a frazzle trying to scare up a refreshment for me!” Jughead notices. Looks like someone’s getting a reward! *punts dog to the puppy mill*

Jughead brings his helpful pet to Pop’s where he gifts him with a chocolate milkshake! Hot Dog dies of chocolate poisoning. The end.

”Big Bounce” – George Gladir

Archie and Jughead (our hero!) are at the beach, and Juggie keeps hiccupping so hard his crown pops off his top! “Maybe I can cure it by riding on a jetski!” he thinks, stealing it from some who likely owns it. He hiccups so hard that he bounces on the water. The end.

”Smart Upstart”

Jughead is in Riverdale’s Biggest Nerd Dilton’s room and decides to break into a closet where the he stores all the meth. I mean, all the sensitive science equipment? Maybe? “I forgot to lock it!” he yells, jumping up to stop Jughead. “How could I be so dumb? …This door hides my Hall of Shame!”

Ha! Jack-off material! Got it! *wink*

“You see, Jug, sometimes when I’m inventing I get carried away!”

Ha! Sex robots! Got it! *wink*

“I get so caught up in inspiration, it doesn’t occur to me that I’m building a ridiculous, useless invention!” he explains.

Ha! … … uh… a pocket pussy for women. Got it. *lackluster wink*

Too bad they’ll explode like the Hindenburg if there is so much as a spark of static electricity!

Jughead is interested, nevertheless. “Care to give me a tour?” he asks. And Dilton agrees, having just been relieved to admit his invention-related transgressions. The gas-powered shoulder pads are good, but a strong wind my cause the quarterback to float away! For some reason! Then there’s a winter coat with a refrigeration unit built in so that you can wear it in the summer! Dumb! Then there’s the hat that automatically whistles at pretty girls in case the wearer doesn’t notice while reading. Dilton had local sex pest Archie in mind when he thought of that one, but the only book Archie reads is a black book of girls’ phone numbers! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Then there’s the “video tie”. You wear this really cumbersome screen around your neck and you can use this really cumbersome remote control and you can pick a picture of a hamburger tie or something, whatever the fuck you want, dude. A tie that looks like a fish, maybe? A noose. The world is your oyster. I guess this is a pretty good invention!

Then there’s the shoes with grass in them. They’re shoes for people who don’t like wearing shoes! Jughead smacks his head about THAT one!

Dilton regrets showing him all thiese shitty, crappy inventions. It reminds him how much of a huge failure he is. And Jughead doesn’t think is true at all, you silly, silly boy. Then after smacking Dilton around the room for a bit, he calls one of his friends over…

Hey, Veronica likes looking like shit! Gotta hand it to her!

Final Thoughts

”Dear Jughead, my favorite hamburger is one with bacon, cheese, and ketchup! What’s your favorite?”

“Look, punk. ‘WhAt’s yOuR fAvOrIte HaMbUrGeR?’ Why don’t you go fuck yourself. And buy me a hamburger on your way out. Thank you.”