Sucky Funnies for September 22, 2024

I haven’t checked in with the Sunday funnies is over a year! It’s time to reunite with some old friends. Also, I’m jacked up on coffee this morning so I’m looking for something to distract me and waste my time! Otherwise, I would never update this garbage pile of a feature!

I’m kidding. I love comics! Today I present three old standbys; oh how I’ve missed the antics of that one cat and that one duck. Brings a nostalgic tear to my eye, it does.

Garfield

Garfield - September 22, 2024

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Full disclosure: this is actually kind of funny. Imagine being in a restaurant fancy enough for the waiter to be wearing some sort of ill-fitting suit with a bowtie. You’re enjoying your halibut or whatever the fuck it is you get at these kinds of restaurants. A bowl of capers, maybe? You’re having a quiet conversation with your significant other about how your day was at the Bitcoin Mining Factory. Then, all of a sudden, a dork in a shirt that has a collar, but no buttons, yells from across the room “YEAH! MAKE ‘EM LIKE MOM MAKES ‘EM!” You’d laugh, don’t tell me you wouldn’t.

Jon Arbuckle’s mom puts pickles in her meatloaf? Hard pass.

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore - September 22, 2024

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In this tumultuous political climate, it’s great that we have Mallard Fillmore around to remind us that the Republican party is about nothing more than projection. They don’t have policy, they don’t have values, they just like to complain.

If this IS a liberal establishment, as this place of business purports to be — it looks like a dentist’s office, or perhaps an H&R Block — then they have every right to kick Mallard Fillmore out if he open carried his AR-15 or started hollerin’ about how the bathrooms are allowing everyone in these days. Maybe Mallard Fillmore shouldn’t have shitty political beliefs!

As is tradition, the comments section is rife with bitching about Kamala Harris’ bald eagle-killing platform and her penchant for personally aborting babies with a rusty coat hanger after they turn 48 years old. Don’t ever change.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth - September 22, 2024

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I love how this strip begins with a quote from famous asshole and wife-beater John Lennon, because I can use it to try to understand this thread of a plot I haven’t been keeping up with whatsoever, and therefore befuddles me completely. You see, life is happening to Stell while she is busy making other plans of having her workaholic, probably ugly and fat veterinarian fiancé arrive at their own engagement party. But since this is the LAST STRAW, the tables will turn! Stell is going to beat Ed within an inch of his life, and Ed will be too ugly and fat to defend himself.

Did I get that right? I’m sad that I didn’t get to see Mary Worth give some awful advice about Stell dropping a zero and getting herself a hero, but check back in about 994 weeks when this story gets resolved.


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Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

* Part 1 of 6 of the Archie (Vol 2) Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1!

Here’s what I know about Archie: Veronica is the hot one. Jughead likes hamburgers.

Here’s what else I know: The 900-year-old mainline series got rebooted for 32 issues in 2015. The internet told me that this is a great place to start for Archie virgins, and I’m the biggest Archie virgin there is. I look forward to delving into the myriad of other Archie-related series, limited series, spinoffs, and pornography! Also, Sabrina the Teenage Witch sounds fun. Maybe I’ll do that too.

Time to pop that Archie cherry, ladies and gentlemen.

(Tom’s Note: I’m aware that I’ve already posted a bunch of read-throughs of classic Archie comics, but, if you can believe it, I actually started with this. It just took me this long to actually post them. So the cherry-popping still technically stands. I just wanted to clarify my cherry-popping.)

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [September, 2015]
Written by: Mark Waid

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

ARE YOU READY TO READ A BUNCH OF PIMPLY TEENAGERS TRYING TO FUCK EACH OTHER ALONG WITH ME? Because we’re reading Archie instead! Sorry. If the cover art is any indication, we’re going to follow Riverdale’s biggest dork as he bumbles his way through high school misadventures! Probably!

But before we get started, I have to speak up about something in particular. Mark Waid. Mark fucking Waid. Are you kidding me, Mark Waid? First the shitty ’90s Captain America, then the sorta shitty Marvel NOW! Daredevil, then the actually pretty good Superman: Birthright limited series… anyway, this fat Asperger’s pile of puke is everywhere, and now he’s infiltrating my Archie comics! Boo, sir! Boo!

I’m talking too much. Sorry, Mark Waid. I treat your fat Asperger’s pile of puke face with too much disrespect and I won’t do it again.

“Hi. My name is Archie Andrews. Welcome to Riverdale.”

Fuck off, kid.

Archie’s got a dang guitar case strapped to his back. He doesn’t look like the most interesting guy in town, that’s for sure.

“Don’t pay too much attention to me. I’m not exactly the most interesting guy in town.”

Well, shucks. This kid is writing my Archie write-ups for me, it seems! I should just go grab a snack for the next 45, you know, days.

“I’m not super smart, like Dilton. Or an aspiring filmmaker, like Raj. I don’t have an American Idol-winning sister like Trev does.”

Dilton, Raj, and Trev. Sounds like a high school full of douchebags to me! Ha! Line up for your swirlies, you poindexters.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

I heard he pooped in the urinal and then ate the poop and then kissed his mother with the poop still in his mouth!

A lovesick Archie leans against the lockers and watches Betty Cooper fiddle around with books and shit. “She lives next door. She smells like flowers and motor oil. We’ve been a couple since kindergarten.”

“Until last week.”

“Until the lipstick incident.”

Put the kids to bed now, friends! The lipstick incident is rated XXX!

Oh darn, Archie doesn’t want to talk about the lipstick incident. Neither does Betty. They both swore each other to secrecy. But the whole school wants to know what it’s all about. And I think it’s still something that requires all the kids to go to fucking bed. Right fucking now.

“But I’m okay,” Archie says. He doesn’t look okay. He looks like a sad little ginger boy.

His friends try to hook Archie up with someone else, but he doesn’t want just someone else. He wants Betty, who smells like roses and antifreeze.

While Archie continues to break the fourth wall and tell us that everything between him and Betty was a mutual “atomic” breakup, Betty attempts to approach the kid and say something. But she thinks better of it. “I don’t even know what we’d say,” Archie continues.

So, yeah, Archie and Betty (who smells like violets and molten slag) are the talk of the school. Their breakup has affected the entire student body. Archie thinks it will blow over quickly, but he’s not very smart at all. He gets D- grades in English and the jocks throw footballs at his penis.

Meanwhile, at another table, a small group collectively offer their desserts to Jughead Jones in exchange for information about the lipstick incident.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

If it involves accidental insertion of foreign objects into genitalia I really don’t want to know.

Since Jughead declines even the most scrumptious of pastries, the group goes into the corner to talk amongst themselves as Archie approaches the table and asks what that was all about. Jughead continues his apprehension to talk about anything and sneers aggressively.

Since the group of nosy nellies didn’t get anything out of Jughead, they go straight to the source.

Betty, who smells like carnations and raw sewage, fields questions about whether Archie had lipstick on his collar, or did she find it in his car, perhaps? Tell them tell them tell them tell them tell them!! Betty vehemently defends Archie. He would never, ever cheat! So fuck right the hell up, vultures! Vermin! Swine! Republicans!

“It’s just… people change, all right? Move on. Okay?” Betty looks desperate to get all this attention off of her, but a suave guy with a leather jacket lookin’ like ‘50s Greaser Jones mosies up to Betty and leads her away. “Stop drilling her, you three. She needs to get her mind out of the past and onto the future!” This dude is named Reggie and I hate him already! He looks like a sex pest and I’m tired of his face. “Hey, Betts, have you seen my new car?” he smiles while showing her a picture on his phone. She smiles too. They both smile.

The group of three think this is an atrocity. Time to get Betty and Archie back together NOW! Because of reasons, I guess. Who cares. High school drama? Obnoxious! Go shovel some dirt and earn your way into society.

The three look toward a banner for voting for Homecoming King and Queen. That’s the ticket! Time to start harassing and bullying other students into voting for Archie and Betty so that they can awkwardly stand in front of everyone at a shitty dance and sweat and groan.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

I was gonna not rape you.

One after another, they push all these kids into voting for these two hopeless romantics.

I’m guessing I’m supposed to know the names of these three criminal masterminds, but I don’t, and no one has said any of their names yet even at all. Anyway, Blond Guy freaks out. “Wait. Wait. They don’t have dates! They are gonna be there, right?”

Mauve-Haired Girl is not worried. “Relax. Betty’s coming stag, and Archie’s helping the band set up. As long as he doesn’t ditch too soon, we’re gold.”

Jughead shows up arms crossed in a pouty “you kids are grounded” pose. “You couldn’t just let things be,” he says. Mauve Hair calls him the worst best friend ever. “Don’t you believe Archie and Betty are fated to be together?”

Oh, he does. He does all right. That’s why he volunteered to count ballots. Get on the inside. Rig the election 2020 style. Or at least Matthew-Broderick-in-Election-style. Jughead only cares about food, but he ALSO only cares about his friends! Time to get these banal mouth-breathers back together, guys.

Jughead needs just one tube of crazy glue, and it’ll be a lock.

(?)

The other three are just as confused as I am, so at least I’m not missing anything. Maybe Jughead has brain damage? Only time will tell.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

I’m gonna glue their buttholes shut. I don’t know how that will help anything, but it sounds fun.

Where the fuck has Archie been in all this? Well, sir, Archie is at home now with his dad. He’s playing a guitar on the couch looking all like that Vincent Price yee-eee-e-e-e-s? guy on The Simpsons. “He taught me everything I know about his three passions: home repair, bowling, and the guitar.

Since guitar is the only thing that Archie is good at besides jerking off, he at least has one thing in common with Pops.

“Are you playing tonight?” his dad asks. “In public, finally? Can I come?”

Archie bellows a loud NO! Sort of. He doesn’t bellow it, but I like to think that he smacked his dad around a little bit for even asking. Archie is just bringing Dad’s guitar in for a sound check and then heading home tout suite.

Seems kind of weird that voting for Homecoming King and Queen happens the very same day as the dance. That’s a lot of pressure with the voting and the counting the votes and then rigging everything and all that. I hope Mr. JugHat is up to the task.

Speaking of the devil, Jughead shows up to the dance looking like his usual dogshit self with his dogshit clothes. All the pieces are in place! Principal Fat Weatherbee is harping on Archie to finish setting everything up. “Almost done, Principal Weatherbee! Good night, dance… Hello Xbox,” Archie says. He’s probably going to play Dark Souls. He’s a silly boy.

BUT, ARRRGHHH! THE LEAD GUITARIST IS NOT HERE AND HE’S NOT PICKING UP HIS PHONE! Well, looks like Archie’s gonna have to fill in!

Probably because Jughead killed the lead guitarist.

With a gun.

Probably.

But Archie has never played in front of a crowd. He turns red! Redder than he already is, and that little scamp is pretty dang red already.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Better start shredding, Dorkus.

So he sucks at first. Then, disappointingly, he gets better. And everyone’s happy, except for Mr. Weatherbee of course! He’s grumpy!

Weatherbee announces the Homecoming King and Queen. It’s Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin! Ha! What year is this?

It’s Betty and Trev. Whoops.

All eyes turn to Jughead, who frowns and shrugs earnestly.

Betty and Trev look at each other startled. Archie looks crestfallen. Everyone stares at him. Archie’s dick flops out of his pants. Then he regains composure. “Congratulations, guys! What are you just standing there for? You should be dancing!”

We see a flashbacky glimpse of Jughead burning all the Archie votes. And, hoo boy, there are a lot of them! He takes a moment to chastise the nameless group of three for trying to force these two back together in front of the whole school. “Instead, maybe… just maybe… what they need is to be reminded of what they’re missing,” Jughead says sagely. THE VOICE OF REASON, THIS GUY. Eat a hamburger, sir.

Later, Archie and Jughead walk out of the dance together. Archie wonders why the lead guitarist was AWOL. Jughead is like “I dunno” and tosses the empty tube of glue into a nearby trashcan.

He didn’t shoot the guy with a gun. Far from it. He glued his hands to his steering wheel. lol etc.

Archie walks home with a pep in his step. Perhaps this is a new chapter. Dating around might be new and fun! “Maybe there’s some amazing new girl just around the corner…”

He passes by a giant billboard.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Veronica Lodge is going to tear this kid’s world a new b-hole.

Final Thoughts

Archie is correct! He’s not all that interesting! Looks like it’s going to be the supporting players who have to carry that soulless ginger’s weight around here.

Does Archie ever have a threesome with Betty and Veronica? Does Jughead jump into the mix? These are the questions I have.


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I Origins (2014)

Tagline:
Every living person on this planet has their own unique pair of eyes. Each their own universe.

Wide Release Date:
July 18, 2014

Directed by:
Mike Cahill
Written by:
Mike Cahill
Produced by:
Mike Cahill, Hunter Gray, Alex Orlovsky

Starring:
Michael Pitt
Brit Marling
Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey
Steven Yeun
Archie Panjabi

I Origins

PREGAME THOUGHTS

My dad has been recommending I Origins repeatedly since 2014. Every time he mentions it, I check all seventeen of the streaming services that I’m currently subscribed to and it’s always no dice. This time, though, I was scanning through Hulu WITH HBO MAX HOOK-UP and I found it. Hell yeah, son. Let’s finally watch this thing and be gravely disappointed!

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Ian Gray (Michael Pitt) is obsessed with eyeballs. He’s so obsessed with eyeballs that he spends his life researching eyeballs. He has taken thousands of pictures of people’s eyeballs like a total creepazoid. Gag me with a spoon, y’all. He works with his research partner Kenny (Steven Yeun) and his lab assistant Karen (Brit Marling). Ian seems like kind of a dick.

At a Halloween party, Ian encounters a woman named Sofi (Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey) masked up with exposed eyes. They’re light blue with hazel spots. Ian’s like “these are the eyes right here”. He and the mysterious Sofi woman have sex in a bathroom. She leaves without revealing her face, probably because she’s some sort of horrible burn victim. Or she’s playing hard to get.

I Origins

These could be anyone’s eyes! These could be everyone’s eyes! These are everyone’s eyes!

After a sequence of (unfortunate events) mysterious happenstances, Ian is led BY FATE or God or something to a billboard showing a closeup of a woman’s light blue, hazel-spotted eyes. In another convenient happenstance, Ian finds Sofi on the train and does this weird thing where he puts his headphones on her out of nowhere and then follows her, led by the cord of his headphones, off the train onto the platform. After keeping her back turned to him for about 45 seconds, she suddenly turns around and they kiss. A relationship has been formed just like that. *snaps fingers* *breaks thumb*

Ian and Sofi enjoy many passionate days of science/spiritualism debates and showing each other their nipples. One day they decide to go down to the courthouse and get married, but the spontaneity is ruined by the 24-hour waiting period. Karen calls Ian with some great news about their research, and Ian decides to take Sofi down to his lab where he and Karen are working on creating an eye from scratch using blind worms for some reason. Sofi thinks this is kind of cruel, and she and Ian have another science/spirituality debate; says he’s playing God. Ian’s all like “oh yeah, would God do THIS?!” *poops on her face*

I Origins

I’d know those eyes anywhere! They’re the ones from that billboard!

Ian accidentally gets formaldehyde in his eyes, which blinds him temporarily. Sofi offers to take Ian home and the two get stuck in an elevator between floors in his building. Through the doors he is able to hoist himself up, but when he helps Sofi the elevator starts moving and again chops her in half from the waist down. Dead. He spends much time grieving and avoiding work, but Karen eventually convinces him to return. They kiss.

Seven years later Ian and Karen are married and expecting, but Ian still has feelings for Sofi (he even tries jerkin’ it to some old videos he found of them on his computer). Karen is sympathetic toward this, and hazards to think that maybe she’d still be alive if Karen hadn’t called Ian down to the lab that day.

When their baby is born, the hospital scans his eyes for their database and discovers a match with a dead black man named Paul Edgar Dairy from Idaho. Another day, the hospital calls for more tests related to “possible autism”, but it appears to be some kind of secret reincarnation study.

I Origins

Choose the correct one or you’re racist!

Ian’s buddy Kenny had invented the hospital’s eyeball-scanning system and allows Ian and Karen to tinker with it themselves. After feeding the machine some of Ian’s eyeball pictures, they decide to scan in Sofi’s eyes and discover that her eyes were scanned into the system in India three months ago. Almost seven years after Sofi’s death.

Ian fucks off to India to look for the owner of Sofi’s eyeballs. He finds a girl named Salomina (Kashish Kumari) with a match: light blue with hazel spots. He takes Salomina to his building in India — taking the stairs — where he starts administering the same reincarnation study that his hospital had. It ends with a 44% success rate. Basically random.

Disprited, Ian picks the girl up and carries her to the elevator. Out of nowhere, she starts panicking and crying, wordlessly begging to avoid the elevator. Understanding, but disbelieving, Ian takes Salomina down the stairs instead.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I was marginally disappointed. After all the hype from my dad I was expecting another Ex Machina. What I got was something a little more spiritual and a little less existential, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m personally not spiritual, and God knows I get off on the existentialism, so this movie wasn’t tailor-made for me to get all goofy about. It did work, though! The ending with the girl and the elevator did make me feel things. For someone not at all spiritual, that’s pretty incredible.

I didn’t start out impressed. I found the first 45 minutes or so lackluster and unengaging. Michael Pitt as Ian is smug, obnoxious, and, frankly, not interesting or attractive enough to catch the attention of Sofi in my opinion. Perhaps this was the point, though, that he was rather arrogant when he met Sofi. He’s way more tolerable seven years later after settling down. But, man, these two were all over each other and I didn’t get it. Why settle, Sofi? Why settle? You’re just going to get cut in half by an elevator the day before you get married! lol! Brit Marling as Karen gives a deadpan, dry performance as the “intelligent scientist lady” which I also found kind of obnoxious. Women in science speak in a monotone voice, of course! Sofi was Ian’s manic pixie dream girl. Very one-dimensional. And that’s the cast!

I Origins

Leave us alone, we’re trying to invent Mountain Dew.

Once we get past the elevator incident, though, the movie picks up. Ian spent a bit of time arguing with Sofi about science vs. spiritualism, and this comes into play later with the second half of the movie’s theme of reincarnation. It takes a possibility that part of Sofi still exists in another human being for Ian to start really giving a shit about manners other than science. TRUE LOVE, BABY. THE HEADIEST ELIXIR. Ian’s trip to India was the high point of the movie, so I’m here to officially say that the movie continuously gets better as it progresses to the end. ANOTHER POSITIVE! The little girl playing Salomina was a shitty actress, but what do you expect? They probably kidnapped the first girl from Mumbai they found after disembarking the plane.

As for Steven Yeun? Who cares. He went to my high school. That’s all that matters to me with that guy, and that barely matters.

TOPIC 2 — Science vs. Spiritualism

SOFI MAKES A GOOD POINT WHILE WATCHING IAN TORTURE LITTLE WORMS IN THE LABORATORY. You don’t know what you don’t know. Those blind worms don’t even know what “sight” is. I mean, granted, worms don’t know shit about dick. And once (or if) they can see, are their little atom-sized worm brains even gonna be like “oh, that’s cool”? Nope. They’re going to see and they’re going to be like “huhhhhhhh”.

Anyway, Sofi’s point is that the worms will gain a sense that they didn’t even know existed in the first place. Have you ever heard of that thought exercise where 2D Bob lives in his 2D world with his 2D squares and his 2D triangles and he’s perfectly happy with his limited viewpoint? Then some 3D entity, let’s call him 3D Ron DeSantis, pulls 2D Bob out of his world and into the 3D world. Suddenly, 2D Bob is like “what the fuck there is no god”. Except there might be a God, I guess. That’s Sofi’s point. There could be someone out there ready to lift us up into their 4D world. Or even beyond!

I Origins

Fuck you, I want your half of the secret Mountain Dew recipe.

Or it’s all just a bunch of horseshit. This is all dumb stuff we made up as a species. It takes us seven years to learn how to tie shoes, why would we be smart about anything spiritual? I think I’ve made my point. I’m going to go torture some worms now.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The famous National Geographic cover of the Afghan girl whose eyes mesmerized the world and who was found years later makes a cameo in the film.
I’d never heard of this Afghan Girl photo from 1984 before, but man is it beautiful. Apparently, though, heavy criticism was drawn for the public exposure of the photo: “It is not welcome for a girl of traditional Pashtun culture to reveal her face, share space, make eye contact and be photographed by a man who does not belong to her family.” So, in short, National Geographic really fucked up here and I’m cancelling the subscription I’ve had since 1908!

For a brief moment in the opening credits only the letters I and O are shown in the movie title. This gives “IOII”. In binary the number 1011 translates as eleven which is an important number throughout the film.
Boo! Don’t Care! Boring! What’s next??

One minute into the movie, Ian is sitting in front of his computer. The screen shows a picture that looks a bit like an eye. It is in fact a well known image of the so-called Cat’s Eye Nebula, taken by NASA with the Hubble space telescope.
From what I’ve gathered from both context and extensive internet research, I’ve deduced that eyes are a huge theme of this movie! Thank you, IMDb Trivia. The gift that keeps on giving.

The book Ian is reading in the cafeteria is called The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins.
Richard Dawkins is for 16-year-olds. Read some Nietzsche.

Film running time is 1 hour 46 minutes long, which adds up to 11, continuing the theme of ’11’s throughout.
1 hour and 46 minutes adds up to 11? What the fuck is this shit?

Sofi’s eyes belong to Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, and they were digitally added to Kashish, who plays Salomina, who has black eyes in real life.
Child abuse! Call the Feds! But seriously, black eyes? Sounds like child abuse! But seriously,

I Origins

Nice job trying to cover up those black eyes. I’m on to your game.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah, but just once. I wasn’t blown away by the story, and the first 40 or so minutes of the love story was a little bit too blah. The rest of the movie after Sofi gets cut in half by the elevator are tops, though! A character had to die to move things along. Spoiler alert.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 8: “Jarra”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Welcome to Jarra, a podunk little village full of people who, much to Loial’s chagrin, have never seen an Ogier before. Fairy tales, they call the Ogier! Children’s stories! Malarkey, it is!

Jarra has had about 95 weddings in the last 48 hours, so everyone is hungover and the streets are littered with party remnants (used condoms and needles). Perrin can smell something very unpleasant in the air, like the stench of death or White Castle hamburgers.

The group enters an inn called Harilin’s Leap where they are greeted by a frog-lookin’ motherfucker named Simion. They all get rooms. The innkeeper, Harod, is taken aback by Loial but then is fine because “at least he isn’t a Whitecloak”. Apparently, when Whiteclocks pass through town there’s usually an annoying ruckus. Three of them the other day, against their oath, threw off the cloaks and declared that they were goddamned donezo with Whitecloaking. One Whitecloak even tried to burn the village down the other day! Rude!

Later, while alone with Loial, Perrin asks Simion if he’s seen a man with Rand’s description. Simion had; Rand played for money at all the weddings, mumbling and laughing to himself constantly like a dang madman. He said someone was after him! Alarming to say the least. And the most, honestly. When Perrin says that they are following Rand to help him, Simion jumps for joy because he had an inkling that Moiraine was Aes Sedai. Perrin doesn’t make promises, but he says he’ll talk to Moiraine about healing Simion’s sick brother.

Lan is pretty upset that Perrin mentioned Rand to Simion, and Moiraine reminds the wolf boy to keep quiet lest they draw unwanted attention to themselves. Moiraine agrees to try to help Simion’s brother, and when Simion leads them to him, he presents a gross, filthy man with yellow eyes snarling and hootin’ and hollerin’. He’s been talking crazy for about a year, saying he can speak with the wolves. Perrin is all like “brrrt!” and makes a point to hide his eyes from the people in town the best he can.

Moiraine can’t help the guy. He’s too far gone. Simion understands. After Moiraine leaves, Perrin suggests letting the brother run loose and be free, and Simion agrees. After the guy runs off, Simion says he’s been hiding his brother from the Whitecloaks who are looking for a Darkfriend named Perrin with yellow eyes. Perrin is all like “brrrt!” and asks for all his meals in his room. No one will see his eyes ever again, that’s for damn sure!


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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Rebecca, Please Come Home (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 4 of the Rebecca, Please Come Home storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Rebecca, Please Come Home (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones hits up the local high school and gets… nowhere, really. The kids are dumb.

She and Sheriff Luke Wilson, as I like to call him, had a big ol’ bone session on top of his police car and he was look “whoa doggies, you’re too much for me to handle” and that was the end of that. Fuckin’ small-town cops.

A woman from the newspaper tells Jones to go to church over the weekend while she’s in town. Jones stops in the church on Saturday and catches the pastor practicing his “God Hates Mutants” sermon. That’s going to go over well.

In short, Jones is no closer to solving this “missing Rebecca” case than she was three weeks ago before Rebecca even went missing! That’s sad!

Maybe some other drunk asshole in Hicksville has some leads. We’ll see.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13 [November, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Rebecca, Please Come Home (Part 3)”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13

We pick up exactly where we left off! Again! Just like last time! Let’s see Jessica Jones fight with a pastor.

First of all, she’s wondering why a church service would be talking about, of all things, mutants. Mutants. Second of all, this guy recognizes Jones as the woman investigating the missing girl case. He’s chuffed to see her in the flesh! A real superhero person!

Anywho, Jones asks the guy if the Crosses go to church. And the answer is, sadly, not often enough. Rebecca, as far as he’s aware, has never been to church.

Anywho again, the pastor hopes to see Jones tomorrow at the real service. She starts to walk away, but then stops herself. Because there’s something she needs to get off her chest…

“You’re actually going to get up in front of a group of people and say that ‘mutants are an abomination’?” She points and accusing finger at this fat sack of Christly shit. He doesn’t seem too shameful about the truth that, yeah, he will.

“People are going to listen to you and they are going to believe you.”

“I hope so…”

“But it’s not true.”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13

First of all, sir, your fly is unzipped and there are balls flopping everywhere.

Pastor Fat is inclined to disagree with that opinion. It’s not natural. It’s not God’s way. Yada yada fuckin’ yada. Arguing is a really big waste of time with these people, honestly. You might as well go FUCK a TREE STUMP. She rants about how he’s preaching hate like some uneducated hick from Hicksville, USA (which is every town in the Bible Belt). Teach love! Not hate! Etc.

“And I tell you…” she continues rantily. “If I find you and this dog and pony show has anything to do with what happened to Rebecca Cross–”

And then she admits to Pastor Crapface that she’s a mutant. And Pastor Crapface just stares.

Annnnnd scene! Whew, that was fun! Let’s go get some donuts…

…are you back? Great! Because Jessica Jones is now in the bathroom of a podunk diner repeating “fuck you” into a mirror! After this incredibly healthy dose of self-therapy, she notices a sentence scrawled on the side of a stall: “Jesus was a mutant.”

Upon exiting the bathroom, Jones spots Sheriff “Can’t Handle the Sex” approaching her, much to her chagrin. He wants to apologize. She wants to hear none of it.

“The thing is – is I have had some bad breakups and –”

“I swear I don’t care.”

“No, seriously, I – I like you. I just…”

Jones smiles. “You like me?”

“Well, yeah…”

“You don’t even know me, you fuck!”

“I know you a little…”

“All you know about me is that if you get a couple of drinks into me, I might fuck you. That’s all you know.”

Now we’re cooking with conversational gas! She starts to walk away in a huff (he did throw her in jail for the night instead of bringing her to his home, for the record), but he insists that he’s really, truly, very, very sorry and that nothing unseemly will ever happen again, cross his heart, hope to die, stick a needle in his eye. He gets salty when he ignores his apology by answering her ringing phone.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Hi, it’s Ant-Man’s Paul Rudd calling! Ageless as always! What are you doing tonight??

Jessica Jones is not happy that she’s getting an unsolicited call from fuckin’ Ant-Man right now. Carol Danvers is a bitch for giving her number out and she can rot in Bitch Hell for eternity. Jones tells him that now is a bad time; she’s in the middle of a case. Ant-Man is like “wow fascinating let’s get together some time”.

After some semi-pleasant, go-nowhere chit chat, Jones spots the woman from the newspaper – the one who told her to go to church – motioning Jones toward her from a window. Whether or not she’ll actually go out with Ant-Man is tantalizingly left up for debate!

The newspaper woman gets a lot of mail from angry 77-year-olds who compare mutants to “coloreds” and that they are “just like animals”. This is just a snippet of the kind of people who live in and around town.

Jones wants to apologize for the way she acted toward her the other day. Reporters, you know? Newspaper people? They’re like coloreds or animals, you know? Unseemly.

“So I take it you already went and visited our First Unity Church of Hypocrisy and Racism?” she asks Jones.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I almost – I swear to God I always popped him one on the nose.”

“He’s a fucking asshole.”

What kills this woman, this unnamed reported, is that the church will be packed to the gills with his followers ready to lap up his words. Like DOGS, they are. Jones asks her if the pastor possibly has something to do with Rebecca’s disappearance. The woman doesn’t think so, but indirectly, maybe? Once upon a time, a few years ago, a little kid fell out of a treehouse without a scratch on him. A week later he was found beaten almost to death in a schoolyard because of possible mutant reasons. The entire family left in the middle of the night, never to be seen by the town again. The kid died in the hospital. Alone.

“This shit with the girl, it was bound to happen…”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Simon Le Bon? Yuck. Give me Daryl Hall any day of the week.

The newsreporter lady doesn’t think Rebecca is actually a mutant. She’s been doing some digging herself because, you know, the police are completely useless. Especially Sheriff What’s-His-Nutz. Rebecca’s parents won’t cooperate. All her friends just have rumors. They made up the mutant stuff! Rebecca dressed differently, behaved differently. Come on, man! Fake news!

Jones still thinks Rebecca might be a mutant. A mutant on the lam, see? She pulls out one of Rebecca’s scrapbooks. See, there’s like, dark imagery and occult stuff in there! Real devil shit. Badass, actually. Anyway, mutant proof positive.

“I still have to talk to the father,” Jones says.

“Half the town thinks he did it.”

“I don’t.”

“I don’t either. But a lot of people think he did.”

“What do you think?”

The reporter thinks she was raped and murdered by a fellow student, that’s what she thinks. Because they thought she was a mutant. The reporter wonders if there might be a clue in the scrapbook…

Later, Jones visits Fat Daddy Cross’ humble trailer home. The TV is blaring a news report about Matt Murdock, handsome New York City lawyer, who has been recently outted as Daredevil! And he’s denying it! And maybe it’s true! But maybe it’s not! And it’s a big scandel! News of the century!

Oh yeah, and Mr. Cross is dead with a knife sticking out of his chest.

Final Thoughts

How the hell are they going to wrap this shit up in one more issue? Rebecca is probably skeletonizing in a broom closet somewhere as we speak. Case closed.


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