Octavia, Chapter 2 – Bloodthirsty

Thousand Year Old Vampire is a lonely solo role-playing game in which you chronicle the unlife of a vampire over the many centuries of their existence, beginning with the loss of mortality and ending with their inevitable destruction.
Previous Journal Entries:
The Beginning

In your blood-hunger you destroy someone close to you. Kill a mortal Character. Create a mortal if none are available. Take the skill Bloodthirsty.

After my deadly (or undeadly, as the case may be) intimate encounter with Benizzone Petruccio, I awake early the next morning — before the sun rises — in my bed on my father’s farm where I still reside. My head pounds thunderously as if I indulged too heartily in drink the night before. And that may or may not be true! I can’t remember anything that happened to me after Benizzone kissed my neck. I feel violated, yet strangely flattered. He is handsome, after all.

The sun starts to come up and my headache grows so strong and powerful that it feels as if my brain is trying to force itself out of my skull! This is no ordinary morning headache following a possible evening of merriment and debauchery. The sun is barely peaking over the horizon of the fields and I can no longer tolerate it. Without anything to cover up my window, I tuck myself under my heavy blanket and pray for the pounding headache to dissipate.

“Wake up, harlot!” cries a voice from my door. Livius. Four years my elder and he treats me not as a sister, but as a beggar on the roughest, most unseemly streets of Tuscany’s servile quarters. “Another day of helping yourself to food and drink and partaking in excessive leisure while the rest of us break our backs in the fields, is it?” I can hear his footsteps close in on my bedding, and I’m starting to catch a whiff of something that replaces my pounding headache with the ache of hunger.

“I said wake up, you useless bitch!” He dares stand next to my bedding. Still under my thick blanket, I can’t seem to identify the cause for this sudden, insatiable hunger. Not even a “hunger”. “Hunger” doesn’t describe it adequately. This is more… it’s as if every fiber of my being craves…

“Are you deaf? Get your ass out of this bed this instant before I decide to make matters worse of my own accord!”

…blood. Blood! Of course! That sickly, sweet taste of blood. I know I’ve never tasted another’s blood — why would I? — but now it makes sense. Like another sense unlike true hunger, my body is overwhelmed with an urge to seek this blood.

Livius rips the blanket off my body, and I’m overcome with agony so insurmountably great that I thought I might die. It’s the sun. The sun is pain.

To Livius’ complete surprise, I find myself scampering to the broom closet in the next room. I feel ridiculous running off like this, and into the closet no less, but the darkness feels like home. Surely this will anger Livius further. I can only imagine trying to wake up my younger brother Quintilius in the same manner and the teenage boy, without warning, scurries into the broom closet. I could almost laugh if this “hunger” wasn’t overtaking all my thoughts and senses. It lessened for a few seconds, but now it’s even stronger than before.

“What do you think you’re doing, you whore? Is that what you do at night? Whore and fuck for your coin? I’m sure Father is proud of his only daughter, out whoring and putting a stain on the family name.” By now Livius is banging on the unlocked door, obviously goading me to come out to hit him. He has always dared me to hit him, but I’ve never done it no matter how badly I’ve wanted it. I was always too afraid of what he would do if I did. Two heads taller than me and with arms the girth of tree trunks. I would spend many sleepless early mornings pontificating over slipping a dagger between his ribs in the dead of night, but even the mere idea would hurt Father.

And I would never hurt Father. I believe this to be true.

I know what I want now, and a calmness starts washing over me. I know where my next meal will be. I open the door to find the angry, fiery face of my eldest brother. He, in turn, sees my own face. To this day I don’t know exactly how I must have looked to him just then.

“What the bloody hell happened to your eye?” he said, face sallow with sudden fear. With a surge of strength, I pull him toward me by his tunic and into the closet. What happens next is a blur of sensory overload turning to fevered, dim memories. Ripping and tearing sounds, certainly. The wet, red ruins of Livius’ neck. The ambrosiac taste of blood. Most of all, I remember the euphoria. This mysterious sensation that overtook me. At the time I compared it to the effects of the opium den (of which I was never a patron of, but I had an idea), but I know now that it surpassed even that. It dominated every synapse in my brain, completely overtaking logic or rational thought.

And I knew that I needed more.

Skills:
Assassinating
Smooth-Talking
Sneaking
Bloodthirsty

Resources:
Dagger
Slingshot
Locket

Mark:
A permanent blood-red discoloration of the iris of my right eye

Mortals:
Octavius Caesonius, my father; a farmer

Claudius Marcus, my mentor; an assassin

Livius Lucanus, my eldest brother; mean-spirited and ignorant

Immortal:
Bonizzone Petruccio, high-level secretary in King Charles V’s court; handsome and cunning

Memory #1
I am Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer; born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; I am a 21-year-old female assassin.

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.

Memory #3
Claudius gifts me with a special silver dagger with a ruby on the hilt after I complete my assassin training.

Memory #4
Livius steals my locket and throws it up on the barn rafters; I spend hours trying to climb up to the ceiling and throwing stones at the rafter to knock it down.

Memory #5
Bonizzone hires me to be his private assassin shortly before biting my neck and turning me; the iris of my right eye turns a permanent blood-red color.

My first kill, my eldest brother, Livius Lucanus; I drink his blood, the sensation is wonderful; I am a 21-year-old vampire.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

* Part 5 of 6 of the Parker Luck storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5! In the previous installment, Spider-Man busts Cindy Moon outta da joint because some dick sucker named Morlun is “dead” (but he really isn’t), and him being alive is why Cindy needed to stay in the bunker in the first place for reasons that are not entirely clear. Anyway, they’re going to be screwed.

And by that I mean they’re literally going to be screwed because the issue ends with the suggestion that they’re going to fuck each other. And they will, trust me. I’ve seen the nudes.

Meanwhile, Black Cat is hellbent on fucking up Parker’s life so she kidnaps Sajani so she can explain all the tech that Black Cat will steal from the company.

Electro? Who cares.


Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [October, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

In a secret gambling hole called the Slide-a-Way, some nerd named The Eel is squeezing himself into his costume. Everything had better go to plan tonight or it’ll be curtains, see? Curtains.

Plans have already been thwarted before I even get a handle on what’s going on here. Black Cat shows up suddenly to go “Hey, Eel! Slither and squelch yourself away before you get a fist through your anus and up into your ass!”

The Eel is unphased. He knows that Spider-Man stole everything she had: her money, her pride, her dignity, her virginity. “Now me,” he continues. “I made sumthin’ of myself. Worked my way up the Maggia, from thug to proper mob boss. I got real power in the underworld now! I got juice!”

I’ve got your juice right here, buddy. *pours a delicious glass of Ocean Spray Cran-Apple*

Well, guess what Eely? Black Cat is a thief and she’s going to steal your thunder! How does that grab ya? And, coincidentally, she’s got a thunder man by her side. The thugs know him as Electro. He’s going to shoot lightning at them. Any second now…

The Eel is freaking the fuck out in the meantime. Electro is dangerous! Outta control! Get this guy the fuck out of here before he zaps a bitch!

Here we go! Electro is going to zap some bitches! Black Cat’s taking back her city!

Elsewhere, Spider-Man and Silk are tongue-rasslin’ like a couple of horny-ass teenagers. Spider-Man’s shirt is off, and he’s so ripped that even his muscles have muscles. They’re both basically trying to chew each other’s mouths off. Spidey worries about his mask slipping off, but Silk already knows who he is. She even calls him “Peter” to prove it! Instead of, you know, Mel. Or Elton John.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

AHHH!! DON’T LOOK AT ME!! NOT PETERING OR PARKERING HERE!! HEH HEH!! HELP!!

Spidey is so spooked by this that his boner turns itself inward into his body. “You know my secret identity?!” he shrieks, curling up into a fetal position. Silk finds this withering, pulpy mess of a man a real turn-off. She looks pissed. But they both regain their senses and decide that being bitten by the same spider has caused this primal, carnal connection. Or maybe it’s simply because they’re both hot and they both wanted to bone? I mean, why aren’t we considering that hypothesis?

Now that we’re thoroughly un-horny, Spidey decides that maybe Morlun isn’t dead and maybe Silk should go back in her bunker. Silk says no dice to that shiz. She’s had a taste of the outside again. She’s never going back in there.

Meanwhile, at the Fact Channel studio, J. Jonah Jameson tries to throw his weight around, but he doesn’t have much weight to throw around. Not really. His team tells him he’s getting bumped from the first segment due to a “conflict of interest”. They’re going to interview a head of Parker Industries, whose CEO (Peter Parker) is apparently Jameson’s stepbrother (whut). So but that in your oversized pipe and smoke it.

The producers are confused that the person they’ll be interviewing hasn’t shown up yet. It appears that Sajani is TIED UP at the moment. Handcuffed, actually, but drinking champagne in a nice room in the company of Mr. Electro Magoo. “Always thought when super villains abduct you they take you to an abandoned warehouse in the bad part of town,” Sajani says with little-to-no panic in her voice. This ain’t her first rodeo.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Hey, that’s Mr. Ms. Skanky Leather Queen to you.

Sajani lets it slip that the company is pooling a lot of resources into finding a cure for Electro, which he was not expecting hear whatsoever. And by “lets it slip” I mean “mentions it brazenly”. She wants more champagne and she’s not going to let some Electric Asshole ruin her good time.

At an actual abandoned warehouse in an actual bad part of town, a gathering of the Ugly Bad Guys eagerly waits for the arrival of The Eel. One guy is Mr. Negative. The other guy is the Goblin King. And they both have their cronies behind them ready to tear into the other faction if necessary. And it certainly will be in due time, friends. In due time.

The two of them, plus the Eel, plan on taking over New York and controlling 1/3 of it each! But if the Eel doesn’t show up, then it’s *math math math math math* 1/2 each. Dig?

The Eel makes a grand entrance in the form of crashing through the roof and landing on the table, splintering it into 40,000 pieces. Mr. Negative yawns and tells the Black Cat lady, who is responsible for this rude break-in, that she has not been invited.

Don’t worry, all it takes are a few choice sentences to convince both Mr. Negative and the Goblin King to join forces with her in eliminating Spider-Man. He has wronged all of them and stolen their comic books so it’s only fair to murder him in the face as soon as possible.

Anna Maria Marconi returns to the apartment to find Peter Parker and Cindy Moon fucking on the ceiling. It’s not a pretty sight, but Marconi seems sufficiently nonplussed. Cindy apologizes and tells Marconi that their lustiness is a result of their spidery connection and that she shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

OK, we were Binging. Is that better?

Marconi, of course, is perturbed that this floozy showed up out of nowhere to get boned by her sorta boyfriend. Parker claims that he’s just helping her find her lost family, but penises in vaginas don’t usually help with that.

Whatever! Doesn’t matter! The important thing right now is that Sajani is supposed to be on the news tonight on behalf of the company and no one knows where she is! So that means Parker will need to go in her stead! Now. Now now now. Get a move on, boss. Wear something fancy. No water-spraying boutonnieres.

Parker puts on his fancy suit. Cindy puts on a fancy sweater with her fancy flip-flops for moral support. J. Jonah Jameson will not be conducting the interview for, like, stepbrother reasons I guess.

Parker gives his bro a hug. Jameson doesn’t necessarily reciprocate in kind, but he excitedly tells Parker that he’s going to use his new platform to go after Spider-Man! Just like old times!

So Parker gets on TV with his award-winning smile and charming good looks to announce that his company wants to help design a state-of-the-art advanced super-villain prison! And furthermore, no recess for the inmates and there will be plenty of lockdowns. No last meals on death row for sure. And–

Off-stage Cindy tries to get Peter’s attention. Their senses are tingling! Some guy in a hoodie with electric eyes is walking on the premises. Black Cat is there, too. These two just won’t give up, will they? It’s quite annoying, actually.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

He’s ghosting me on my texts. What more do you want from me?

Black Cat interrupts the broadcast and announces that she wants Spider-Man forthwith. “And if he doesn’t show in the next 15 minutes, his good friend Peter Parker is as good as dead.”

Electro wasn’t privy to this dumbshit plan. “That’s crazy! How do you know just Spider-Man’ll show up? What if he brings the Avengers with him?!” And, to this, Black Cat tells Electro to STFU. 14 more minutes.

THWIP THWIP THWIP. Dainty little webs hit the wall behind the both of them. So, Electro was wrong. Spider-Man ain’t showing up. But who’s this broad with the bra made out of webbing? Madonna?

Parker takes this moment to go “whoops my glasses!” and ducks under the table. Black Cat and Electro are pretty perturbed that there’s another Spider-Person that they now have to deal with. Before you know it, Spider-Man enters the scene and introduces his sidekick as Spinning Jenny, which is actually very clever and Silk should have stuck with it. Black Cat is pleased that Spider-Man had the balls to show up. Fantastic! Time to squish the spider!

Spider-Man tries to do the whole “what’s gotten into you, Black Cat, my droog?” but Black Cat is too beyond pissed to indulge. Spidey ruined her life! Don’t you get it?

Meanwhile, Jameson is yelling at his crew to keep filming. This is live TV gold! An exclusive! So what if everyone will die? That’s the price to pay for good news.

Black Cat takes a swipe at Spidey; asks him if he’s still sticking to the “brain swap” malarkey. Spidey is like “yeah.” And then he confirms this on TV as truth, which makes Jameson all purple and mad.

Eventually, amidst all the room’s electricity, Spidey gets zapped. My dude cramps up and falls down to the floor. Black Cat nuzzles the poor sucker and gets ready to unmask the Spider on live TV.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Ladies and gentlemen, I have, in fact, pooped myself!

You can start to see Parker’s hair. Black Cat is really gonna do it! She’s really gonna do it!

Spider-Man is truly and really, no joke, with absolutely no chance of it not happening, going to get hella doxxed on TV!

I’m serious! It’s going to happen!

Final Thoughts

Oh no! An unmasking on live television! It will be enough to make Peter Parker blow his brains out with a shotgun Kurt Cobain-style! On live television! Splattering J. Jonah Jameson with blood and guts that he won’t be able to wash out of his clothes and skin for days! Then the Fact Channel building implodes! Then the world disintegrates into a pile of poop and cum!

I guess the bottom line here is that Issue #6 is going to be pretty fun!

Serendipity (2001)

Tagline:
Destiny with a sense of humor.

Wide Release Date:
October 5, 2001

Directed by:
Peter Chelsom
Written by:
Marc Klein
Produced by:
Peter Abrams, Simon Fields, Robert L. Levy

Starring:
John Cusack
Kate Beckinsale
Molly Shannon
Jeremy Piven
Bridget Moynahan
Eugene Levy

Serendipity

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I was looking to see if Say Anything was streaming anywhere for free, and it wasn’t, so I decided upon this cheesy romantic comedy from 2001 starring a not-that-handsome tired-looking John Cusack who Kate Beckinsale goes nuts over, apparently. Let’s see how it turns out.


THE 750(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s Christmastime in New York City, and Jonathan (John Cusack) and Sara (Kate Beckinsale) meet each other at Bloomingdale’s while trying to buy the same pair of gloves. After exchanging some fuck-me eyes, they go grab dessert at a place called Serendipity 3 EVEN THOUGH they are both in “happy” relationships! How shitty is that shit? After dessert, the cavort around an ice rink. They discuss serendipitous circumstances as justification for allowing fate to bring them together, and even though Jonathan is like “no we should really just start boning each other”, Sara wants to play around with this fate idea for some reason. Let this single evening be a one-off event, and let fate decide if they are meant to see each other again.

She has Jonathan write his name and number on a $5 bill, and she writes her own name and number inside the cover of a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. She gets one of the gloves, he gets the other glove, and she has another wild idea to go into a hotel together — the Waldorf Astoria — and enter separate elevators. If they both pick the same destination floor, they were meant to be together anyway! Well, this plan backfires because, although they both pick Floor 23, a kid in Jonathan’s elevator fucks it all up by pressing a bunch of random buttons. Sara thinks it was a failure and leaves the hotel before Jonathan can catch up to her. Too bad so sad.

Serendipity

Jeremy Piven’s in this movie?? Go fuck a duck.

An unidentified number of years later — let’s just call it 76 — Jonathan is engaged to a woman named Halley (Bridget Moynahan) and Sara is in San Francisco engaged to some reprehensible new age hippie musician Lars (John Corbett). Things seem to be going swimmingly for them even though they both keep making slightly despondent faces about their respective situations once in a while. Every time Jonathan sees a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera he picks it up to check for a phone number. At some point, Jonathan finds the glove that he hasn’t held in his hands for years and decides to fuck off into the city with his best man Dean (Jeremy Piven), like, the night before the wedding, in order to try to find Sara. Sara, meanwhile, becomes disheartened by Lars’ planning of his world tour and decides to fuck off to New York City with her best friend Eve (Molly Shannon) in order to try to find Jonathan. Jonathan tries to find records of her last known address in the city courtesy of a very salty salesman played by Eugene Levy. Sara just kind of runs around a lot. They almost cross paths about 25 times. Eventually, Eve convinces Sara to give up the chase while sharing dessert at the Serendipity 3. Eve pays and gets THE, yes THE, $5 bill as change, which she promptly puts in her wallet unseen…

Serendipity

Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms. And I smell it like that.

Back at the Waldorf Astoria where Sara and Eve are staying, they run into Halley who, by chance, was an old college roommate of Eve’s! Halley invites the two to the wedding rehearsal dinner. Eve accepts while Sara declines.

Jonathan had hopelessly given up his search and shows up at the rehearsal a completely distracted man. Halley is all like “bro do you even want to marry me?” and Jonathan is all like “oh yeah uh yeah”. Halley gifts Jonathan with a copy of Life in the Time of Cholera because “he spends so much time looking through the book in bookstores and libraries”, which is the saddest fucking thing about the movie to me. It is THE copy…

After having gotten hers and Eve’s wallets mixed up, Sara discovers THE $5 dollar on her return flight to San Francisco just before takeoff. She calls, she gets Jonathan’s address, the superintendent of the building informs her of the wedding at the Waldorf Astoria, and she books it there to find that the wedding had been canceled.

Jonathan, fresh as a daisy from a morning of breaking up with his fiancée on the day of his wedding, wanders New York and returns to the same ice rink that he and Sara shared an evening at years ago. Like an enormous butthole, he lies down in the middle of it while people are trying to skate on it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a glove falls from the sky and lands on his chest! The matching glove! They have found each other at last!

Serendipity

*puke*

They kiss, and years later they celebrate their anniversary at Bloomingdale’s where Eugene Levy is still salty. I’m salty too. Movie is over.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Man, I’ve got a lot of problems with this one! What’s the message with Serendipity? Meet each other in a department store, have one semi-inappropriate date that evening even though you’re both in a relationship, and spend the next not insignificant number of years pining over each other to the point where they are barely engaging themselves in their own real relationships, and then spend the day before your wedding running around town looking for the person you hung out with for only three hours because, deep down, you just want to get your bone on? Sounds incredibly healthy to me!

I think the movie is romantic on a barely-scraping-the-surface level. It’s a nice thought to meet who you think is the love of your life one evening out of chance, and then forget about them for seven years until you realize you want to find them again. And then find them. And then they live happier ever after. BUT LET’S LOOK AT THIS LOGICALLY! First of all, John Cusack? Really? Someone like Kate Beckinsale is falling all over the pinchy-mouthed, saggy John Cusack? What year was this again, 2001? They should’ve gotten Gweneth Paltrow and made it a lesbian love affair instead, honestly.

Serendipity

Hey buddy. I’m still single, you know.

So who’s the bigger asshole here? John Cusack, who canceled his wedding that very morning, who spent the night before his wedding chasing a woman around and looking for her address and phone number, who spent the better part of several years thumbing through Love in the Time of Cholera hoping to find his ticket to contacting Kate Beckinsale? John Cusack, whose bride-to-be thoughtfully gifted him with a copy of the book because he’s always picking it up and looking through it? Or is it Kate Beckinsale, who’s engaged to the ugly guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who decided to fly to New York on a whim to chase down a guy she barely met years earlier? Is this supposed to be romantic? Spending a good chunk of your real relationship pining over bullshit? No thanks.

These people seem wholly uninteresting, too. Just the most bland couple in movie history. No wonder they’re made for each other.

TOPIC 2 — Enough Said

This movie is so shallow that there is no Topic 2. Move on.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Kate Beckinsale and Molly Shannon disagreed with using stunt doubles and performed their own stunts.
What, like running and laughing and talking? Those kinds of death-defying stunts? Eating and sitting? Amazing.

Following the destruction of the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001, images of the World Trade Center towers were digitally removed from all skyline shots of New York City.
I remember when this was a thing. You can thank George W. Bush for such a high level of retconning.

John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale filmed only a few days together during the shoot, much like their characters saw each other only for a limited time.
HOW INTERESTING! I heard that Cusack tried to feel Beckinsale up and she hit him with a frying pan. Then he tripped and fell and broke 17 teeth. I don’t know what this has to do with anything, it’s just a thing I heard for real.


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Absolutely not. John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale have no personality, although they do admittedly have a bit of chemistry. The message that cheating is justifiable because of fate is hollow and romanticized. The only good part is Eugene Levy. Watch it for four minutes of Eugene Levy if you’re hard up for entertainment, I guess.

Serendipity

THE REAL STAR OF THE MOVIE! Ok, I’m done now. Go home.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Batman and the Mad Monk limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”!

I’m continuing my Batman journey with what I’m told is next on the essentials list. That would be Batman and the Mad Monk. I don’t know anything about it. Perhaps Batman will beat the shit out of the Dalai Lama? Because if that doesn’t happen, I want my money back. Let’s see how mad this son-of-a-bitch monk can get!


Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 [October, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Catwoman is stealing yet another thing, because shiny objects are her bread and butter and she needs all the money she can get to pay for her ever-increasing Netflix bill. This must be in the early days when Batman barely knows her and barely fucks her and just thinks she’s some sort of horrible ne’er-do-well. Which she is.

Batman has caught Catwoman in the act at the local jewelry store (for all your jewelry needs!) She whips out her cat-o’-nine-tails and swings the hell out of it, tying up Batman’s legs and causing him to fall to the floor pathetically. “Ever try to catch a cat that didn’t want to be caught?” she asks, rhetorically obviously. Batman whacks his head on the floor! He’s really sucking at this.

Catwoman crawls up on top of him and asks who “she” is, the one with the aromatic Chanel No. 5! He gets cranky and tells her to buzz off. She starts doing cartwheels around the room, all prancin’ and dancin’.

“Perhaps it’s time I took to wearing armor underneath the outfit,” Batman thinks as he tenderly touches the scratch marks on his chest. Ol’ swipey-paws has done it again! Batman starts feeling groggy, as if Catwoman’s fingernails had been laced with some sort of sleepy drug…

 Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

It’s because his G-Spot echolocation skills are top shelf!

Meanwhile, some woman named Julie Madison WHO PROBABLY SMELLS LIKE CHANEL NO. 5 is waiting for Bruce Wayne outside of a Lacy’s department store. It’s like Macy’s but even more knock-off! She’s been waiting for almost an hour, and the store is about to close. Don’t worry, lady. Bruce is all drugged up at the moment, but he really wanted to be there. And furthermore…

Alfred rolls up in the Bentley with bad news: “Master Bruce has been unexpectedly detained by business.” How about a fucking text message next time, Alfred. Whip out that iPhone 14 Pro Max, son.

Julie is like, fuck you Alfred, you prankster you. Open the damn car! Unfortunately, Alfred will not open the damn car for her. Bruce is gone. He split. He flew the coop. He took a powder, lady. Give it up. It’s not going to get any better. Bruce Wayne is kind of a dick. Deal with it.

Julie is going to walk home. Fuck this. “Just tell him that I’ll call him tomorrow,” she says as she angrily walks away from Alfred’s excessive bowing. If I were Alfred I would hit that. He probably will.

Elsewhere, Jim “Constantly Foggy Glasses” Gordon is waiting atop a roof for Batman. No Batsignal today, no sir. This is 2006! He has a special “Bat Pager”; all he has to do is push a button and Batman will come scurrying by! Unfortunately, the police show up to the roof instead… oh wait, Gordon is also the police! Nothing to see here, then, folks.

“Well, well, Captain Gordon… up on the roof again, I see,” chimes in one of the fucking pig-ass cops. There’s a group of three of them: Jensen, Pulver, and Briggs. Gotham’s newest independent law firm. Also, bigtime jerks. “Just enjoying a smoke, Sergeant,” Gordon says, taking a fat drag. “What’s it to you?”

They circle me wide – hot, but wary,” Gordon thinks. “They remember what happened to Flass.

 Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Badass Grandpa Gordon can still make his enemies bite the curb.

The thuggish cops are about to gang up on Gordon, but Gordon starts punching all three of them like some sort of martial arts expert master sensei man. Then he starts a coughing fit brought on by seven packs of cigarettes a day, which allows time for the three cops to make their move. KRAK! That’s a baton upside Gordon’s noggin. Two hold him up by the arms while the third readies a punch… but someone with a BAT WHIP, most likely some sort of bat, wraps the whip around this guy’s neck and launches him into the sun. The other two cops get nervous and start pointing their guns around the roof going “whuzzat” and “whoozere” and “honk honk awooogah”.

Batman sneaks up behind both of them while Gordon watches with a strained grimace. Whether or not Gordon is pooping, it’s hard to tell. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that Gordon is grimacing (read: pooping). “It occurs to me that this is the first time,” Gordon thinks. “The first time I’ve ever actually seen him in action. And again, he’s fighting cops. What the hell is wrong with this city?”

Long story short, Batman takes these two guys out like he’s beating up children. Just punching and kicking helpless little schoolchildren. Brass knuckles to their fucking faces. We’re talking knocking out their precious little baby teeth. Just a face full of boot. Batman hangs one guy over the edge of the roof and relays a very important message: this rooftop is off-limits to everyone EXCEPT Gordon! Fucker! Eat my shit!

Batman throws him off the roof with a rope tied around his legs. He hangs in the air halfway down the building. Batman jerks the rope violently as he places him safely to the street. “On his lips, just the hint of a smile,” Gordon notices. Gordon is pretty amazed. Aroused, even.

 Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

I cut myself shaving, nerd. What’s it to ya?

They shake hands while Batman fights the cat claw grogginess. Gordon asks what happened to his sexy chest with all the scratch marks. Batman says he got scratched. This is a very enlightening conversation. So let’s skip it and hop right into a discussion about Hugo Strange. “He was abandoned as a child,” says Gordon. “Grew up in state homes. A bright kid, but he apparently had a hell of a temper. Nobody knows how he put himself through college and medical school. He’s dedicated, I’ll say that.”

They’re gonna keep a close eye on this Strange fellow, make sure he doesn’t do anything strange. In the meantime, Gordon wants to take Batman on a field trip to the morgue. There’s something there he’d like Batman to see! I hope it’s Matthew Perry!

Julie has arrived at her apartment, which she shares with her alcoholic father. He can’t stay mad at Bruce, that’s something she realized on the way home. His touch is so soft. His kisses are so supple. His TV dinners are so delicious.

The lights aren’t working in the main living area. Julie finds her dad poring over a notepad with a lamp on; a bottle of only the finest bourbon by his side! “Daddy and I have hardly spoken since he confessed his… crimes to me,” Julie thinks. “I hate to call it that.”

Dad gets feral. They need the lights off! They need to lay low! Especially at night! Sounds like alcohol hallucinations to me. Julie tries to help him to bed while reminiscing about how much Bruce got him out of a jam (very much so). Daddy Dearest’s eyes are darting around his head. “I swear I’m fine…” he says like someone who is definitely not fine at all.

Julie checks her father’s notepad. It’s covered in sketches of bats. And bat-like men.

Gordon and Batman arrive at the morgue as chipper as a spring sunrise! The coroner, Murray, owes Gordon about 400 favors so he lets them in. For ten minutes only, or else it’ll be his ass on one of these roly tables, you feel me?

“The victim was fished out of the East River,” Gordon explains as they walk to the back where all the dead bodies are stored for future entertainment. “A tugboat spotted her. She wasn’t in the water very long, so the body’s still in good shape.”

Young. No positive ID. Manner of death? A ragged jugular wound. Throat’s been ripped out, Jim. Perhaps it was East River sharks? Her neck looks like it’s been chewed up a bit. East River Piranhas? But here’s the kicker: her veins were almost completely drained of blood. East River Vampires?

Check this out, Batty! Here’s another victim for you with identical mortal wounds! He was discovered in the basement of a building set up for demolition and implosions and squatting degenerates. Bloodless veins. No saliva.

 Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Like fuck they are. This is my city! I’ll be the one biting necks around here!

At the 3rd Avenue Night Club, a young woman thinks to herself about searching carefully for only the freshest veins, per Niccolai. “Only then shall the Brotherhood make good on its potential… and achieve the eternal night.”

A woman at the bar complains about how boring the 3rd Avenue Night Club is. It smacks of bush league 2nd Avenue Night Club material! Another woman asks why she’s there, then. It’s because it’s a habit. She’s been coming here since she arrived in Gotham years ago. Not from this city, eh? Excellent.

The other woman, the non-complainy woman, is named Dala. She has tattoos and a corset and she looks like she’s about ready to step on some john’s face with high heels. She fishes for info about the complainy woman’s past and learns that she has no family. Excellent.

Dala sprays an intoxicating perfume on her wrist and forces the woman to inhale deeply. The woman starts passing out slowly. Dala leads her out of the building and to the street.

 Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Stop talking, lady. It makes your meat all stringy.

Dala leads the woman to a car surrounded by… er, “friends”. “She will sleep for several hours,” Dala tells the group as she puts up a hood. “We must summon the rest of the Brotherhood. Tonight, the blood moon shall be filled.”

Yeah. Filled with cum. lmao

Final Thoughts

Where do the mad monks come in? One issue down and there are no mad monks???

It’s just gonna be vampires? I already have a section for vampire comics! Batman is out of his element here, for sure. Bring on the teenage girls with the wooden sticks.

December 14, 1995 – Broome County Arena, Binghamton, NY

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.


December 14, 1995 – Broome County Arena, Binghamton, NY

Set One

Suzy Greenberg — 7:22
High-energy “Suzy Greenberg” right out the gate. Love the drum shuffle lead-in to a fantastic Page solo at around 3:45. It makes me want to get up and dance! If only I knew how to dance or get up.

This show was officially released as Live Phish 01, so I suppose this is an iconic show for the following reasons: 1) uhh, 2) uhm. I guess I’ll find out.

Llama — 5:52
Holy snakes, friends. They don’t make “Llama”s like this anymore! I can already tell that this is going to be Page’s show; he’s slamming his dick all over the keys with furious self-righteousness! Deservedly so!

I like seeing llamas at the zoo, although they’re always taunting me with their long-ass, fuzzy necks. It’s going to be the llama’s downfall someday, you can take that one to the bank.

Horn — 3:29
“Horn” is such a throwaway song that I won’t dignify it with any further commentary! BEEP BEEP!

Foam — 10:53
“Foam” starts out so knotty that I almost thought it was sloppy, but I eventually understood the METHOD to their MADNESS and heard the glorious resolution. Angular and cerebral, it requires you to hack through its thorny thickets to get that sweet, sweet dopamine hit. Watch out or you’ll FALLLL INTO A DEEP WELL.

Page strikes again! From 3:00 to 5:45 he goes incredibly jazzy with it. Mike grooves alongside, and Trey takes a backseat to let it all unfold with out his guitar ninny-ness. Fish plays the drums!

Makisupa Policeman — 6:43
Trey smoked a joint with Gaddafi according to this version of “Makisupa Policeman”. Trey wouldn’t do that anymore. These days he would probably read the bible to him. It’s a good thing Gaddafi already killed himself!

I tried to look up “makisupa” and all I got were Phish-related results. I don’t condone this making up of words from my favorite stoned band. I would’ve preferred a name like “Honorable Policeman”. Back the blue, yo. *gag*

Split Open and Melt — 14:41
This “Split Open and Melt” settles into a nice, albeit repetitive, groove that builds into a frenzied Page-led jam. He really smacks those keys in a, well, a frenzy! A very frenzied “Split Open and Melt”! Never have I heard such a frenzy!

Tela — 6:30
I don’t know much about “Tela”, but I imagine they’re all the same. Just Page singing like he thinks he knows how to sing, subject matter all sorts of mountains and thawing frozen hearts. Mushy stuff! What is this, Phish 3.0? Not on my watch!

Taste That Surrounds — 8:00
Wow, this one is cool. Trey sings the usual “Taste” lyrics while Fish (I think?) sings some other shit over it. At about 3:15 you get the usual “Taste” jam, nothing overly special, but enjoyable nonetheless. A nice TASTE of music, if you ask me!

Don’t ever ask me anything. I’m dumb.

My Sweet One — 2:23
Bluegrass a cappella, of course. Usually! This one features Fish rat-tat-tatting and another frenetic Page solo.  A good transition from the jammy “Taste That Surrounds” to the hard-hitting “Frankenstein”.

Once you’ve heard one of these you’ve heard them all, so here’s a story about my first ever Phish concert: I’ve never been to one! I wouldn’t be caught dead at a fucking Phish concert, are you serious? How dare you.

Frankenstein — 5:02
Edgar Winter has luscious hair.

Set Two

The Curtain — 7:18
After a brief audience chess movie, the band begins its second set with a rousing version of “The Curtain”. More than a lot of songs, “The Curtain” always felt like a ’70s art rock song. Like something from the Moody Blues or Procol Harum or some other band no one cares at all about in 2024.

As you can see, the band eschewed the “With” part of “The Curtain”. No extended solo here! In fact, it seamlessly segues into a…

Tweezer — 9:16
…decent chunk of “Tweezer”, which will total 19 minutes if you don’t count the “Timber” interlude. The tweezy jam kicks off at 4:10, laid back and relaxed like me when I get my dick sucked by a Phish song.

Tweezer is probably the most overplayed jam vehicle in their canon, right? Like, how many different ways can you really play this shit? This one is one of those equal opportunity jams. Everyone gets a piece!

Timber (Jerry) — 4:57
Another seamless transition into one of Phish’s more hypnotic covers. The solo section rocks and rolls with some tasty Trey/Page interplay. Mike probably plays bass, I really cannot tell. Who’s that drumming? The Fish Man?

I clearly have nothing to say about this one! But it builds heartily into a noisy frenzy (there’s that word again!) right as it transitions back into the second half of Tweezer.

Tweezer — 9:47
MORE TWEEZER? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

Keyboard Army — 3:48
People are really cheering and yucking it up during “Keyboard Army”, which is just Page playing the same five-note lick for four minutes.

FUN FACT: This is the last “Keyboard Army” for 20 years! It gets busted out during the September 6th, 2015 show at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado. It only gets played because the first letter of every song in the encore spells out “THANK YOU” and I guess they didn’t want to play another “Kill Devil Falls”? MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

Halley’s Comet — 11:53
I have a soft spot for “Halley’s Comet” because I was born one year after the last instance of Halley’s Comet and now I have to wait until 2061 before I’ll have a chance to see it. By then I’ll have cataracts! Thanks, cruel fate.

At least I got to see Hale-Bopp in 1997! Anyway, the tempo of this particular version gets amped up like crazy at 7:30 and doesn’t really let go until it settles into a sweet, hazy, chuggy, groovy groove for the last couple minutes. Yeah baby, 2061 ain’t got nothing on this!

NICU — 9:10
“NICU” is such a great song. I think Page’s synthesized organ makes it. It has this oompah oompah thing going for it. Plus, the “NICU” pun is exquisite, although I sometimes I think they could make better use of it. Like “Your baby’s sick/And almost dead/It’s such a shame/Stuck in its bed/If you see me/NICU/Say hi to me while I mess with your head”. I don’t know! Something like that!

I’ll workshop it a little more later.

Slave to the Traffic Light — 11:25
A late Set Two staple, but this one kind of sucks the momentum out of the room. It reminds me of a party every time I come through the door! But seriously folks, this is supposed to come across as psychedelic but I think it’s kind of a snooze! Like me talking to a lady at a party, except I’m not the one snoozing.

I’m sorry for writing all of that.

Encore

Bold as Love — 6:16
Does Page think he’s Jimi Hendrix? Page is NOT Jimi Hendrix? Or is he? Could he be a reincarnation? Wait a minute, let’s do the math here!

Jimi Hendrix died in 1970.
Page McConnell was born in 1963.

Fuck.