Serendipity (2001)

Tagline:
Destiny with a sense of humor.

Wide Release Date:
October 5, 2001

Directed by:
Peter Chelsom
Written by:
Marc Klein
Produced by:
Peter Abrams, Simon Fields, Robert L. Levy

Starring:
John Cusack
Kate Beckinsale
Molly Shannon
Jeremy Piven
Bridget Moynahan
Eugene Levy

Serendipity

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I was looking to see if Say Anything was streaming anywhere for free, and it wasn’t, so I decided upon this cheesy romantic comedy from 2001 starring a not-that-handsome tired-looking John Cusack who Kate Beckinsale goes nuts over, apparently. Let’s see how it turns out.

THE 750(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s Christmastime in New York City, and Jonathan (John Cusack) and Sara (Kate Beckinsale) meet each other at Bloomingdale’s while trying to buy the same pair of gloves. After exchanging some fuck-me eyes, they go grab dessert at a place called Serendipity 3 EVEN THOUGH they are both in “happy” relationships! How shitty is that shit? After dessert, the cavort around an ice rink. They discuss serendipitous circumstances as justification for allowing fate to bring them together, and even though Jonathan is like “no we should really just start boning each other”, Sara wants to play around with this fate idea for some reason. Let this single evening be a one-off event, and let fate decide if they are meant to see each other again.

She has Jonathan write his name and number on a $5 bill, and she writes her own name and number inside the cover of a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. She gets one of the gloves, he gets the other glove, and she has another wild idea to go into a hotel together — the Waldorf Astoria — and enter separate elevators. If they both pick the same destination floor, they were meant to be together anyway! Well, this plan backfires because, although they both pick Floor 23, a kid in Jonathan’s elevator fucks it all up by pressing a bunch of random buttons. Sara thinks it was a failure and leaves the hotel before Jonathan can catch up to her. Too bad so sad.

Serendipity

Jeremy Piven’s in this movie?? Go fuck a duck.

An unidentified number of years later — let’s just call it 76 — Jonathan is engaged to a woman named Halley (Bridget Moynahan) and Sara is in San Francisco engaged to some reprehensible new age hippie musician Lars (John Corbett). Things seem to be going swimmingly for them even though they both keep making slightly despondent faces about their respective situations once in a while. Every time Jonathan sees a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera he picks it up to check for a phone number. At some point, Jonathan finds the glove that he hasn’t held in his hands for years and decides to fuck off into the city with his best man Dean (Jeremy Piven), like, the night before the wedding, in order to try to find Sara. Sara, meanwhile, becomes disheartened by Lars’ planning of his world tour and decides to fuck off to New York City with her best friend Eve (Molly Shannon) in order to try to find Jonathan. Jonathan tries to find records of her last known address in the city courtesy of a very salty salesman played by Eugene Levy. Sara just kind of runs around a lot. They almost cross paths about 25 times. Eventually, Eve convinces Sara to give up the chase while sharing dessert at the Serendipity 3. Eve pays and gets THE, yes THE, $5 bill as change, which she promptly puts in her wallet unseen…

Serendipity

Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms. And I smell it like that.

Back at the Waldorf Astoria where Sara and Eve are staying, they run into Halley who, by chance, was an old college roommate of Eve’s! Halley invites the two to the wedding rehearsal dinner. Eve accepts while Sara declines.

Jonathan had hopelessly given up his search and shows up at the rehearsal a completely distracted man. Halley is all like “bro do you even want to marry me?” and Jonathan is all like “oh yeah uh yeah”. Halley gifts Jonathan with a copy of Life in the Time of Cholera because “he spends so much time looking through the book in bookstores and libraries”, which is the saddest fucking thing about the movie to me. It is THE copy…

After having gotten hers and Eve’s wallets mixed up, Sara discovers THE $5 dollar on her return flight to San Francisco just before takeoff. She calls, she gets Jonathan’s address, the superintendent of the building informs her of the wedding at the Waldorf Astoria, and she books it there to find that the wedding had been canceled.

Jonathan, fresh as a daisy from a morning of breaking up with his fiancée on the day of his wedding, wanders New York and returns to the same ice rink that he and Sara shared an evening at years ago. Like an enormous butthole, he lies down in the middle of it while people are trying to skate on it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a glove falls from the sky and lands on his chest! The matching glove! They have found each other at last!

Serendipity

*puke*

They kiss, and years later they celebrate their anniversary at Bloomingdale’s where Eugene Levy is still salty. I’m salty too. Movie is over.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Man, I’ve got a lot of problems with this one! What’s the message with Serendipity? Meet each other in a department store, have one semi-inappropriate date that evening even though you’re both in a relationship, and spend the next not insignificant number of years pining over each other to the point where they are barely engaging themselves in their own real relationships, and then spend the day before your wedding running around town looking for the person you hung out with for only three hours because, deep down, you just want to get your bone on? Sounds incredibly healthy to me!

I think the movie is romantic on a barely-scraping-the-surface level. It’s a nice thought to meet who you think is the love of your life one evening out of chance, and then forget about them for seven years until you realize you want to find them again. And then find them. And then they live happier ever after. BUT LET’S LOOK AT THIS LOGICALLY! First of all, John Cusack? Really? Someone like Kate Beckinsale is falling all over the pinchy-mouthed, saggy John Cusack? What year was this again, 2001? They should’ve gotten Gweneth Paltrow and made it a lesbian love affair instead, honestly.

Serendipity

Hey buddy. I’m still single, you know.

So who’s the bigger asshole here? John Cusack, who canceled his wedding that very morning, who spent the night before his wedding chasing a woman around and looking for her address and phone number, who spent the better part of several years thumbing through Love in the Time of Cholera hoping to find his ticket to contacting Kate Beckinsale? John Cusack, whose bride-to-be thoughtfully gifted him with a copy of the book because he’s always picking it up and looking through it? Or is it Kate Beckinsale, who’s engaged to the ugly guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who decided to fly to New York on a whim to chase down a guy she barely met years earlier? Is this supposed to be romantic? Spending a good chunk of your real relationship pining over bullshit? No thanks.

These people seem wholly uninteresting, too. Just the most bland couple in movie history. No wonder they’re made for each other.

TOPIC 2 — Enough Said

This movie is so shallow that there is no Topic 2. Move on.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Kate Beckinsale and Molly Shannon disagreed with using stunt doubles and performed their own stunts.
What, like running and laughing and talking? Those kinds of death-defying stunts? Eating and sitting? Amazing.

Following the destruction of the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001, images of the World Trade Center towers were digitally removed from all skyline shots of New York City.
I remember when this was a thing. You can thank George W. Bush for such a high level of retconning.

John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale filmed only a few days together during the shoot, much like their characters saw each other only for a limited time.
HOW INTERESTING! I heard that Cusack tried to feel Beckinsale up and she hit him with a frying pan. Then he tripped and fell and broke 17 teeth. I don’t know what this has to do with anything, it’s just a thing I heard for real.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Absolutely not. John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale have no personality, although they do admittedly have a bit of chemistry. The message that cheating is justifiable because of fate is hollow and romanticized. The only good part is Eugene Levy. Watch it for four minutes of Eugene Levy if you’re hard up for entertainment, I guess.

Serendipity

THE REAL STAR OF THE MOVIE! Ok, I’m done now. Go home.


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Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Batman and the Mad Monk limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 – “Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”!

I’m continuing my Batman journey with what I’m told is next on the essentials list. That would be Batman and the Mad Monk. I don’t know anything about it. Perhaps Batman will beat the shit out of the Dalai Lama? Because if that doesn’t happen, I want my money back. Let’s see how mad this son-of-a-bitch monk can get!

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1 [October, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Dark Moon Rising (Part 1)”

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Catwoman is stealing yet another thing, because shiny objects are her bread and butter and she needs all the money she can get to pay for her ever-increasing Netflix bill. This must be in the early days when Batman barely knows her and barely fucks her and just thinks she’s some sort of horrible ne’er-do-well. Which she is.

Batman has caught Catwoman in the act at the local jewelry store (for all your jewelry needs!) She whips out her cat-o’-nine-tails and swings the hell out of it, tying up Batman’s legs and causing him to fall to the floor pathetically. “Ever try to catch a cat that didn’t want to be caught?” she asks, rhetorically obviously. Batman whacks his head on the floor! He’s really sucking at this.

Catwoman crawls up on top of him and asks who “she” is, the one with the aromatic Chanel No. 5! He gets cranky and tells her to buzz off. She starts doing cartwheels around the room, all prancin’ and dancin’.

“Perhaps it’s time I took to wearing armor underneath the outfit,” Batman thinks as he tenderly touches the scratch marks on his chest. Ol’ swipey-paws has done it again! Batman starts feeling groggy, as if Catwoman’s fingernails had been laced with some sort of sleepy drug…

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

It’s because his G-Spot echolocation skills are top shelf!

Meanwhile, some woman named Julie Madison WHO PROBABLY SMELLS LIKE CHANEL NO. 5 is waiting for Bruce Wayne outside of a Lacy’s department store. It’s like Macy’s but even more knock-off! She’s been waiting for almost an hour, and the store is about to close. Don’t worry, lady. Bruce is all drugged up at the moment, but he really wanted to be there. And furthermore…

Alfred rolls up in the Bentley with bad news: “Master Bruce has been unexpectedly detained by business.” How about a fucking text message next time, Alfred. Whip out that iPhone 14 Pro Max, son.

Julie is like, fuck you Alfred, you prankster you. Open the damn car! Unfortunately, Alfred will not open the damn car for her. Bruce is gone. He split. He flew the coop. He took a powder, lady. Give it up. It’s not going to get any better. Bruce Wayne is kind of a dick. Deal with it.

Julie is going to walk home. Fuck this. “Just tell him that I’ll call him tomorrow,” she says as she angrily walks away from Alfred’s excessive bowing. If I were Alfred I would hit that. He probably will.

Elsewhere, Jim “Constantly Foggy Glasses” Gordon is waiting atop a roof for Batman. No Batsignal today, no sir. This is 2006! He has a special “Bat Pager”; all he has to do is push a button and Batman will come scurrying by! Unfortunately, the police show up to the roof instead… oh wait, Gordon is also the police! Nothing to see here, then, folks.

“Well, well, Captain Gordon… up on the roof again, I see,” chimes in one of the fucking pig-ass cops. There’s a group of three of them: Jensen, Pulver, and Briggs. Gotham’s newest independent law firm. Also, bigtime jerks. “Just enjoying a smoke, Sergeant,” Gordon says, taking a fat drag. “What’s it to you?”

“They circle me wide – hot, but wary,” Gordon thinks. “They remember what happened to Flass.”

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Badass Grandpa Gordon can still make his enemies bite the curb.

The thuggish cops are about to gang up on Gordon, but Gordon starts punching all three of them like some sort of martial arts expert master sensei man. Then he starts a coughing fit brought on by seven packs of cigarettes a day, which allows time for the three cops to make their move. KRAK! That’s a baton upside Gordon’s noggin. Two hold him up by the arms while the third readies a punch… but someone with a BAT WHIP, most likely some sort of bat, wraps the whip around this guy’s neck and launches him into the sun. The other two cops get nervous and start pointing their guns around the roof going “whuzzat” and “whoozere” and “honk honk awooogah”.

Batman sneaks up behind both of them while Gordon watches with a strained grimace. Whether or not Gordon is pooping, it’s hard to tell. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that Gordon is grimacing (read: pooping). “It occurs to me that this is the first time,” Gordon thinks. “The first time I’ve ever actually seen him in action. And again, he’s fighting cops. What the hell is wrong with this city?”

Long story short, Batman takes these two guys out like he’s beating up children. Just punching and kicking helpless little schoolchildren. Brass knuckles to their fucking faces. We’re talking knocking out their precious little baby teeth. Just a face full of boot. Batman hangs one guy over the edge of the roof and relays a very important message: this rooftop is off-limits to everyone EXCEPT Gordon! Fucker! Eat my shit!

Batman throws him off the roof with a rope tied around his legs. He hangs in the air halfway down the building. Batman jerks the rope violently as he places him safely to the street. “On his lips, just the hint of a smile,” Gordon notices. Gordon is pretty amazed. Aroused, even.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

I cut myself shaving, nerd. What’s it to ya?

They shake hands while Batman fights the cat claw grogginess. Gordon asks what happened to his sexy chest with all the scratch marks. Batman says he got scratched. This is a very enlightening conversation. So let’s skip it and hop right into a discussion about Hugo Strange. “He was abandoned as a child,” says Gordon. “Grew up in state homes. A bright kid, but he apparently had a hell of a temper. Nobody knows how he put himself through college and medical school. He’s dedicated, I’ll say that.”

They’re gonna keep a close eye on this Strange fellow, make sure he doesn’t do anything strange. In the meantime, Gordon wants to take Batman on a field trip to the morgue. There’s something there he’d like Batman to see! I hope it’s Matthew Perry!

Julie has arrived at her apartment, which she shares with her alcoholic father. He can’t stay mad at Bruce, that’s something she realized on the way home. His touch is so soft. His kisses are so supple. His TV dinners are so delicious.

The lights aren’t working in the main living area. Julie finds her dad poring over a notepad with a lamp on; a bottle of only the finest bourbon by his side! “Daddy and I have hardly spoken since he confessed his… crimes to me,” Julie thinks. “I hate to call it that.”

Dad gets feral. They need the lights off! They need to lay low! Especially at night! Sounds like alcohol hallucinations to me. Julie tries to help him to bed while reminiscing about how much Bruce got him out of a jam (very much so). Daddy Dearest’s eyes are darting around his head. “I swear I’m fine…” he says like someone who is definitely not fine at all.

Julie checks her father’s notepad. It’s covered in sketches of bats. And bat-like men.

Gordon and Batman arrive at the morgue as chipper as a spring sunrise! The coroner, Murray, owes Gordon about 400 favors so he lets them in. For ten minutes only, or else it’ll be his ass on one of these roly tables, you feel me?

“The victim was fished out of the East River,” Gordon explains as they walk to the back where all the dead bodies are stored for future entertainment. “A tugboat spotted her. She wasn’t in the water very long, so the body’s still in good shape.”

Young. No positive ID. Manner of death? A ragged jugular wound. Throat’s been ripped out, Jim. Perhaps it was East River sharks? Her neck looks like it’s been chewed up a bit. East River Piranhas? But here’s the kicker: her veins were almost completely drained of blood. East River Vampires?

Check this out, Batty! Here’s another victim for you with identical mortal wounds! He was discovered in the basement of a building set up for demolition and implosions and squatting degenerates. Bloodless veins. No saliva.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Like fuck they are. This is my city! I’ll be the one biting necks around here!

At the 3rd Avenue Night Club, a young woman thinks to herself about searching carefully for only the freshest veins, per Niccolai. “Only then shall the Brotherhood make good on its potential… and achieve the eternal night.”

A woman at the bar complains about how boring the 3rd Avenue Night Club is. It smacks of bush league 2nd Avenue Night Club material! Another woman asks why she’s there, then. It’s because it’s a habit. She’s been coming here since she arrived in Gotham years ago. Not from this city, eh? Excellent.

The other woman, the non-complainy woman, is named Dala. She has tattoos and a corset and she looks like she’s about ready to step on some john’s face with high heels. She fishes for info about the complainy woman’s past and learns that she has no family. Excellent.

Dala sprays an intoxicating perfume on her wrist and forces the woman to inhale deeply. The woman starts passing out slowly. Dala leads her out of the building and to the street.

Batman and the Mad Monk, Issue #1

Stop talking, lady. It makes your meat all stringy.

Dala leads the woman to a car surrounded by… er, “friends”. “She will sleep for several hours,” Dala tells the group as she puts up a hood. “We must summon the rest of the Brotherhood. Tonight, the blood moon shall be filled.”

Yeah. Filled with cum. lmao

Final Thoughts

Where do the mad monks come in? One issue down and there are no mad monks???

It’s just gonna be vampires? I already have a section for vampire comics! Batman is out of his element here, for sure. Bring on the teenage girls with the wooden sticks.


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December 14, 1995 – Broome County Arena, Binghamton, NY

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

December 14, 1995 – Broome County Arena, Binghamton, NY

Set One

Suzy Greenberg — 7:22
High-energy “Suzy Greenberg” right out the gate. Love the drum shuffle lead-in to a fantastic Page solo at around 3:45. It makes me want to get up and dance! If only I knew how to dance or get up.

This show was officially released as Live Phish 01, so I suppose this is an iconic show for the following reasons: 1) uhh, 2) uhm. I guess I’ll find out.

Llama — 5:52
Holy snakes, friends. They don’t make “Llama”s like this anymore! I can already tell that this is going to be Page’s show; he’s slamming his dick all over the keys with furious self-righteousness! Deservedly so!

I like seeing llamas at the zoo, although they’re always taunting me with their long-ass, fuzzy necks. It’s going to be the llama’s downfall someday, you can take that one to the bank.

Horn — 3:29
“Horn” is such a throwaway song that I won’t dignify it with any further commentary! BEEP BEEP!

Foam — 10:53
“Foam” starts out so knotty that I almost thought it was sloppy, but I eventually understood the METHOD to their MADNESS and heard the glorious resolution. Angular and cerebral, it requires you to hack through its thorny thickets to get that sweet, sweet dopamine hit. Watch out or you’ll FALLLL INTO A DEEP WELL.

Page strikes again! From 3:00 to 5:45 he goes incredibly jazzy with it. Mike grooves alongside, and Trey takes a backseat to let it all unfold with out his guitar ninny-ness. Fish plays the drums!

Makisupa Policeman — 6:43
Trey smoked a joint with Gaddafi according to this version of “Makisupa Policeman”. Trey wouldn’t do that anymore. These days he would probably read the bible to him. It’s a good thing Gaddafi already killed himself!

I tried to look up “makisupa” and all I got were Phish-related results. I don’t condone this making up of words from my favorite stoned band. I would’ve preferred a name like “Honorable Policeman”. Back the blue, yo. *gag*

Split Open and Melt — 14:41
This “Split Open and Melt” settles into a nice, albeit repetitive, groove that builds into a frenzied Page-led jam. He really smacks those keys in a, well, a frenzy! A very frenzied “Split Open and Melt”! Never have I heard such a frenzy!

Tela — 6:30
I don’t know much about “Tela”, but I imagine they’re all the same. Just Page singing like he thinks he knows how to sing, subject matter all sorts of mountains and thawing frozen hearts. Mushy stuff! What is this, Phish 3.0? Not on my watch!

Taste That Surrounds — 8:00
Wow, this one is cool. Trey sings the usual “Taste” lyrics while Fish (I think?) sings some other shit over it. At about 3:15 you get the usual “Taste” jam, nothing overly special, but enjoyable nonetheless. A nice TASTE of music, if you ask me!

Don’t ever ask me anything. I’m dumb.

My Sweet One — 2:23
Bluegrass a cappella, of course. Usually! This one features Fish rat-tat-tatting and another frenetic Page solo.  A good transition from the jammy “Taste That Surrounds” to the hard-hitting “Frankenstein”.

Once you’ve heard one of these you’ve heard them all, so here’s a story about my first ever Phish concert: I’ve never been to one! I wouldn’t be caught dead at a fucking Phish concert, are you serious? How dare you.

Frankenstein — 5:02
Edgar Winter has luscious hair.

Set Two

The Curtain — 7:18
After a brief audience chess movie, the band begins its second set with a rousing version of “The Curtain”. More than a lot of songs, “The Curtain” always felt like a ’70s art rock song. Like something from the Moody Blues or Procol Harum or some other band no one cares at all about in 2024.

As you can see, the band eschewed the “With” part of “The Curtain”. No extended solo here! In fact, it seamlessly segues into a…

Tweezer — 9:16
…decent chunk of “Tweezer”, which will total 19 minutes if you don’t count the “Timber” interlude. The tweezy jam kicks off at 4:10, laid back and relaxed like me when I get my dick sucked by a Phish song.

Tweezer is probably the most overplayed jam vehicle in their canon, right? Like, how many different ways can you really play this shit? This one is one of those equal opportunity jams. Everyone gets a piece!

Timber (Jerry) — 4:57
Another seamless transition into one of Phish’s more hypnotic covers. The solo section rocks and rolls with some tasty Trey/Page interplay. Mike probably plays bass, I really cannot tell. Who’s that drumming? The Fish Man?

I clearly have nothing to say about this one! But it builds heartily into a noisy frenzy (there’s that word again!) right as it transitions back into the second half of Tweezer.

Tweezer — 9:47
MORE TWEEZER? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

Keyboard Army — 3:48
People are really cheering and yucking it up during “Keyboard Army”, which is just Page playing the same five-note lick for four minutes.

FUN FACT: This is the last “Keyboard Army” for 20 years! It gets busted out during the September 6th, 2015 show at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado. It only gets played because the first letter of every song in the encore spells out “THANK YOU” and I guess they didn’t want to play another “Kill Devil Falls”? MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

Halley’s Comet — 11:53
I have a soft spot for “Halley’s Comet” because I was born one year after the last instance of Halley’s Comet and now I have to wait until 2061 before I’ll have a chance to see it. By then I’ll have cataracts! Thanks, cruel fate.

At least I got to see Hale-Bopp in 1997! Anyway, the tempo of this particular version gets amped up like crazy at 7:30 and doesn’t really let go until it settles into a sweet, hazy, chuggy, groovy groove for the last couple minutes. Yeah baby, 2061 ain’t got nothing on this!

NICU — 9:10
“NICU” is such a great song. I think Page’s synthesized organ makes it. It has this oompah oompah thing going for it. Plus, the “NICU” pun is exquisite, although I sometimes I think they could make better use of it. Like “Your baby’s sick/And almost dead/It’s such a shame/Stuck in its bed/If you see me/NICU/Say hi to me while I mess with your head”. I don’t know! Something like that!

I’ll workshop it a little more later.

Slave to the Traffic Light — 11:25
A late Set Two staple, but this one kind of sucks the momentum out of the room. It reminds me of a party every time I come through the door! But seriously folks, this is supposed to come across as psychedelic but I think it’s kind of a snooze! Like me talking to a lady at a party, except I’m not the one snoozing.

I’m sorry for writing all of that.

Encore

Bold as Love — 6:16
Does Page think he’s Jimi Hendrix? Page is NOT Jimi Hendrix? Or is he? Could he be a reincarnation? Wait a minute, let’s do the math here!

Jimi Hendrix died in 1970.
Page McConnell was born in 1963.

Fuck.


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The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the Parker Luck storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4! In the previous installment, Spider-Man swings into a burning building to do nothing and save nobody. J. Jonah Jameson gets offered a job at Fact Channel. Black Cat and Electro join forces to squash Spider-Man into a pulpy mess. Elon Musk injects fentanyl into his balls. Donald Trump smells like armpits, ketchup, and a butt.

And now back to the action.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [September, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Parker Industries has developed its first invention intended to subdue Electro: Anti-Electro Netting! They wire some poor sucker in an electric suit and turn on the juice. While 400,000 volts of electricity course through the guy, the netting is able to contain any of the discharge… and it holds! Yippee! Let’s turn it up to 900,000 volts and then slap his ass with a paddle.

Parker’s phone goes off and it’s the Avengers. “Yes!” he exclaims to Anna Maria Marconi, who arches that eyebrow the way she does. You know the way. It probably got Doc Ock off more than just a few times.

The Avengers are calling the whole crew, which is good for Peter Parker because Peter Parker is Spider-Man and Spider-Man is part of the whole crew! I guess Doc Ock didn’t ruin Spider-Man’s reputation hard enough.

Parker shimmies into his uniform and books it right then and there while Marconi is like “WHAT ABOUT YOUR COMPANY, DINGUS?”

Marconi returns to the lab where Sajani arches her own eyebrow and asks what the dealio is. She won’t accept any excuse anymore. Not even “it’s the end of the world”, which it seems to very much be apparently. Let’s check in on that.

Spidey reaches the scene where the action is already in progress. The Avengers and the X-Men are fighting some Eyeball Man. Spider-Man takes this opportunity to effusively tell everyone, in the middle of the fray, that he is indeed Spidey and not some octopus jerk. They don’t want to hear it right now. They never want to hear about it again.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

They do the kablooie, if memory serves.

So, from what I’m gathering here with my meager knowledge, this Eyeball Man has the eye of the Watcher, and the Watcher has seen everything, and he’s going to explode the eye like a bomb, and that means millions of secrets that the Watcher has Watched will now flood all the Avengers’ and X-Men’s minds! Apparently!

Spider-Man sees visions of the spider biting him. He also sees visions of the spider biting a girl. He also sees visions of the girl telling her parents that she can’t control her powers. He also sees visions of the man named Ezekiel who offers to help the girl and her family. He also sees visions of Ezekiel training the girl to contain her powers. He also sees visions of the girl getting locked into a bunker for the good of the universe or whatever.

It’s all over. Spidey asks the others if they all saw what he saw, but probably not. The Hulk saw himself taking a shit. Captain America likely saw his own dick getting twisted into a pretzel.

Panicked, Spidey fucks off to try to find the Bunker Girl. As he swings, he gets another flash of memory. Something about a woman named Madame Web with a prophecy as follows: “If you want, you can stop. The web will reweave itself and another Spider-Man will take your place.” Spidey suspects that this “Madame Web”, IF THAT IS HER REAL NAME, meant the Bunker Girl. What’s her name again. Sally something? Stella? Sarah? Katie? Jeff? Ah yes, Cindy! Cindy Moon! “She could’ve replaced me,” Spidey thinks. “Ages ago!”

He flings himself over to Ezekiel’s old building, which tells me that Spidey knows who Ezekiel is and where his old building is located. This is because Ezekiel was planning on sealing him in the bunker too! Can you imagine all the unprotected sex that would’ve gone on in that bunker? Years of raw-doggin’ it? What a missed opportunity!

Lies! Lies lies lies! Ezekiel knew from Day 1 who both of them were! This is decidedly a revelation! I’m confused and am probably missing something important.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

These censors are so sophisticated. They also sensed if your pants are full of poop (they are).

Ezekiel’s automated message welcomes Spider-Man back, and if he’s hearing this recording then that means he has “survived Morlun’s attack”. And Ezekiel hasn’t. So kudos to Morlun for fucking that one up royally. “There’s something you should know. You are not alone. There’s another like you. A spider. And there’s a reason I kept this from you, Peter.”

But, conveniently for plot suspense purposes, Spider-Man doesn’t get to hear this reason quite yet. This is because, for plot suspense purposes of his own doing, Spider-Man flings a pile of web goo at the screen, breaking it. “I’m done listening to you!” he yells petulantly.

Spider-Man jaunts on over to the bunker entrance and communicates to Cindy through the bunker intercom. She can’t believe what she’s hearing! A person! And it’s the Spider-Man! Hot dog! “Don’t ask me how, but I know the code,” Spider-Man says while he punches in the code he knows for some reason. She tries to stop him.

“Don’t! You can’t! Didn’t they tell you what would happen?!” Cindy grabs at her face as if meaning to claw her dang eyes out. “If you open that door… Morlun will come.”

Yeah he will. He’ll come all over your face! Spider-Man doesn’t find this to be a sufficient enough reason to stop punching in those sexy numbers. Before long, the hatch opens up with an airy “TSSSS”.

She gets pissed.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Yeah, but look on the bright side. Heaven is just another bunker, if you think about it!

Somewhere far away, on some planet with two moons, a guy I suspect is Morlun kind of wakes up in a stupor and sniffs the air. Ah yes, that’s the scent of Some Girl Unlocked From a Bunker. Excellent, excellent. “It’s time. The great hunt begins,” he tells himself. “From this moment on… let all hell break loose!”

Very dramatic, sir. You look like a wedgie would do you in nicely.

Returning to the bunker, Cindy quickly kicks Spidey’s ass. He can barely defend himself because she’s so quick and Spider-like. He can’t get a word in edgewise! He’s trying to tell her something important about Morlun, but she doesn’t want to fucking hear it. She has all these MRE packages ready to eat and you had to come and spoil it!

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?” she asks, flinging Spidey across the room.

“He’s gone. Forever.”

He’s dead. Buried. Done. History. Worm food. The Great Bunker in the Sky. She likes the sound of that! She’s good to go, then? Hot dog! Time to blow this popsicle stand and see New York! How are those Twin Towers doing??

Knowing that she can’t just leave in her tank top and extremely, extremely short shorts, she whips up a makeshift suit with her Silky powers. Stunning! It reminds me of Spidey’s web underpants, but more… fashionable?

Call her Silk while she’s all dressed up, k?

Silk, as it were, she’s so excited to be out in the world that she swings waaaay ahead of Spider-Man. She’s good at it, too. Better than him. He’s all like “HUFF PUFF SLOW DOWN!” He has let her loose and now she’s a danger to herself. She has no idea how much the world has changed. We’re talking iPhones and black presidents. Toy Story 3. Crazy nutso stuff.

But who cares about that right now? Silk will be fine. At Parker Industries, however, Black Cat is sneaking along the side of the building all cat-like and feral. The scientists are now trying Electric-Suppressing Gel, which smells like formaldehyde and burns skin like the dickens.

Black Cat takes photos of the lab with her sneaky spy camera. That’s all well and good, stealing photos of their plans, but what she needs is some tech nerd who can tell her how it all works…

So she kidnaps Sajani. I’m due for another screenshot. Here’s one:

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I think Ryan Dunn shoved that camera up his ass once.

While Spidey swings around town, he notices that his Spider-Sense (aka boner) is drawing him toward Silk. “It’s not supposed to work that way,” Spidey thinks. “It’s always steered me away from danger…”

Spidey follows Silk to the window of an apartment containing a black family. “It’s my home,” she says. “But… that’s not my family.”

She starts tearing up. Where are they? Did they move somewhere? Where can she find them now? Are they even still alive? “And all this because if a spider bite.”

Well shucks, lady. Spider-Man will help you out! And–

Wait, shut up for a second! Silk wants to know exactly how long Morlun’s been dead. How long ago could she have left the bunker? Spider-Man says the timeline is tricky because he’s actually died twice so far. Silk gets mad again and slaps the shit out of Spider-Man. “It means he can come back! He could be out there somewhere right now!”

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Me? How about you? Can’t you feel it? When it hurt? When you fell down from heaven?

They both can feel something all right. Silk is super horny so she pulls up Spidey’s mask and they both start sucking each other’s faces.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. Spend 10 years alone in a bunker and the only thing you can think about is getting your rocks off? In this Christian world? For shame.


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Clare O’Kane

Clare O'Kane

Clare O’Kane’s Official Website

JUMP TO:
(2018) Let It Be
(2024) Everything I Know How to Do

Let It Be (2018)
Rating: Good

Clare O'Kane - Let It Be

“She’s not going to be like Chappelle. She’s not coming out here to be transphobic. She’s not going to keep banging the mic against her leg.”

This is one of the many ways Megan Koester introduces Clare O’Kane, and now I want to listen to Megan Koester because she sounds hilarious! But we ain’t talking about Megan Koester here. We’re talking about Clare O’Kane, a queer half-Asian young lady who talks about being queer, half-Asian, and a young lady! She promises that the end of straight, white, male comedy is near AS IT SHOULD BE. I’M LOOKING AT YOU BRIAN POSEHN.

Since I recently listened to Cara Connors, another queer young lady, I’ll compare O’Kane to Connors now and say this: while Connors’ comedy was painfully bitter and depressing, O’Kane’s comedy is more light-hearted. While Connors talked about having seven bridesmaids at her sham wedding with mirthless laughter, O’Kane talks about how her ex-boyfriend won $1,000,000 at a Big Bang Theory slot machine with mild incredulity (and then the subsequent tooth falling out of her head for no reason, but trust her, she’s fine, seriously). And while Connors seems to be using her standup set as a tense therapy session, O’Kane uses it as a vehicle for what she calls her “sexual renaissance”.

As far as being a woman goes, she finds it less of a difficult thing and more of an “oh well, ugh, I guess this is how it’s going to be” kind of thing. After describing being catcalled at 13 by a guy who told her “damn, you’re gonna be fine as fuck when you get older”, she jokes that she got fine as fuck at 14 and starts doing a sing-song about sucking that teenage pussy and her tiny little titties that cracked me up harder than I have in a while. Sounds crass on paper, whoops! She also makes this fantastic comparison: “Women’s bodies are built better [than men’s bodies], like the Great Barrier Reef, or, like, a rainforest, or something else destroyed by a man.” Jokes about HPV and Planned Parenthood are also in the mix, but I won’t bore you with my writings about them! Clare O’Kane is a storyteller and I recommend letting her tell the stories!

O’Kane spends lot of time covering other avenues as well, mining comedy out of her grandmother’s ambulance calendar (where every ambulance looks like it was photographed in the same parking lot) or watching an ant carry a fingernail while she was high. She tells everyone to have a Happy Honda Days, she mixes up Nostradamus with Nosferatu, and she has a bit about football players beating their little wives. The icing on the cake, of course, is a five-minute chunk on accidentally walking in on her father jacking off! She waited until he was dead to tell it on stage, which was less than a week ago! So thank God she can tell the story now!

Good stuff all around! I hesitate to call it Very Good, but perhaps I’ll change my mind after a few more listens. O’Kane is pretty damn funny, you guys.

Everything I Know How to Do (2024)
Rating: Good

Clare O'Kane - Everything I Know How to Do

At one point in her second special, Clare O’Kane makes it clear that she doesn’t do observation comedy. She’s here to talk about her vagina and all the problems with it.

She doesn’t talk about her vagina the whole time, but I think this describes the essence of her stand-up style perfectly. At least she knows what her limitations are. Observational comedy feels like a performance. Personal comedy feels like a conversation. And O’Kane is pretty good at making her personal comedy sound naturally conversational, especially when she addresses the audience with topics like “Do you want to hear the ‘Yo Mama’ joke I made up about my dead parents?” (“Yo Mama so ugly, my parents are now dead”) or “I’m going to start singing this private message I got from a guy who was criticizing my full-frontal bush”. It makes for an immersive experience, which gives her bonus points. Good job, O’Kane!

This also means that she’s a good storyteller, explaining why she quit SNL because they made her work Saturdays (and also they wouldn’t let her write “She-Hulk’s pussy” in a sketch) and the aforementioned full-frontal bush, which she flashed for an Amazon Prime pilot that wasn’t picked up. She doesn’t forget to pepper the stories with funny bits, like when she talks about dating apps and how there are “full of guys with hats with clocks on them and neurodivergent dog dads”, or she describes a medium who told her the smell of baby powder means her dead mother is there in the room because she used to powder her pubes in the bathroom in front of her daughter. O’Kane has a childlike voice that mixes will with the bawdy subject matter, too, so when she’s talking about her horndog dad or how she pulled a muscle in her back while getting eaten out, I have to remind myself that this is a full grown adult person and not some teenager describing her sexual escapades with excruciating detail. Because that would be weird.

There are some misses. A non-sequitur about her dying grandmother dazedly asking her family to “please close the coffin” doesn’t land with me, and especially neither do the skits at the end of the CD with the actual played-out She-Hulk gynecology conversation or the bizarre trip-hop Filipino adobo chicken recipe. Those are tack-ons to the actual set, so I don’t factor that into the stand-up portion of the disc.

But I can excuse the problems by pointing out genius lines like “my husband’s girlfriend is nice for a whore” and “me wearing earrings is like a gym teacher trying to look nice at a school dance” or comparing pansexuality to rap rock and “those skateboards with the one big wheel”. It’s the little turns of phrase like these that make O’Kane a joy to listen to. I’m very much looking forward to what I hope is a long career.


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