The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

* Part 3 of 6 of the Parker Luck storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Peter Parker gets used to his now-girlfriend Anna Maria Marconi, the Avengers run tests and diagnostics on him to make sure he is indeed the real deal, Electro’s powers are going haywire and killing Tribeca hipsters, and Doc Ock’s influence has really done a lot of damage.

Peter Parker, CEO of some company that he has no idea how to run, decides to hold off on cybernetics research in favor of figuring out how to turn off Electro’s power.

Oh yeah, there’s a woman in a bunker, but they’re only kind of hinting at that right now.

Look out, Spidey. Black Cat’s gonna cross your path.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [August, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

We begin in the windowless room that I’m not supposed to know about yet. The young woman within the “windowless room” walks on the ceiling, bored out of her mind. “Same walls, same ceiling, same books. Same everything.” She has pictures on her wall of the family she hasn’t seen in years…

Suddenly a robotic voice shrieks “WARNING. ZONE 2 BREACHED. WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE ZONE 1.” Well, I guess it doesn’t shriek because I put periods instead of exclamation marks, but you know how it is.

Good thing this young woman has all the time in the world to try all the six-digit combinations to turn off the alarm! A man on a little video on the keypad chimes in. He tells this woman, Cindy, he tells her, if she’s hearing the message, he can’t stop her, but he tells her that she shouldn’t leave the bunker. “Not just for your sake… but for the rest of us.”

Whatever, douche nozzle. She continues punching some numbers in… but then thinks better of it. “Damn you, Ezekiel…”

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Bunker life is the pits, man. No Starbucks anywhere.

WELL THAT WAS FUN. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN THERE! Cut to the Upper East Side where Black Cat is attempting to disarm her own six-digit keypad. She does it on the first try. ‘cAuSe ShE’s LuCkY…

It’s her old penthouse. It’s where she used to have everything until Spider-Man took it all away from her. Blah blah blah, cry me a river you cunt from heck.

A couple of nerds peak around the corner. “Edgar! It’s a burglar!” Edgar. One of them is named Edgar. Black Cat’s going to rob these nerds blind.

Later, as she sips some champagne, she realizes that she doesn’t actually have nothing. Everything that’s within her grasp is hers, technically. Like a second-rate Catwoman (or first-rate, honestly). And she vows to “make Spider-Man squirm” before she kills him and guts him and eats him for dinner. Yowza.

In Alphabet City, wherever that is, in an abandoned building where the lowlifes chill for the night, Electro pulls his pud under a blanket of newspapers. He fizzles and pops while have nightmares about Spider-Man fucking with his life. He’s so agitated that he accidentally sets the building on fire with his electrical energy! You hate to love to see it!

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Looking good there, Magnum P.I.

In Parker Industries, Peter Parker tries to get on everyone’s good side by being the FUN BOSS! He looks like a tool and nobody’s up for any of it. “Is he bipolar?” asks one scientist.

There’s good news for Mr. Boss: the lab has created a tracking device that can pick up Electro’s electric signature. Fan-diddly-tastic! Time to go bag us a sparking bitch.

Sajani is less than thrilled. Trading in one obsession (Spider-Man) for another (the guy who’s not Spider-Man). Parker defends himself by saying “WHUH WHUT I’M JUST TRYIN TA HELP DA CITY!”

“I do not get him,” Sajani gripes after Parker leaves. “We spend all our time developing nano-tech, and he wants to flush it on a whim?” The cross-eyed Anna Maria Marconi tries to defend him, calling him “easily-distracted” but conveniently avoiding the real fact that he’s no longer Doctor Octopus.

Marconi will keep her nanite research going. She promises to talk to Parker about all this later IN BED during THE SEX. But, as Marconi finds out quickly, researching nanites is tough work all by oneself. Too bad Doctor Squelchy Octopus didn’t trust anyone with his notes and findings and jars of brains.

A nearby robot perks up and asks Marconi if she needs assistance. “Well, that’s convenient,” she thinks. And we’re off!

Back in Alphabet City where the building done burned down, the firefighters assess the situation rather boringly, I must say. The Parkermobile drives on up, having had picked up Electro’s scent. He orders his crew to get readings at a safe distance while he goes and gets snacks! And by that I mean “puts on his Spidey jammies”.

The local news crews filming the scene have now picked up Spider-Man swinging around aimlessly. Black Cat watches this on her TV all “muahahaha.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

J. Jonah frothing and spitting again.

J. Jonah Jameson gets interviewed at the Fact Channel studios (where “Fake News” is just another fad!) He goes pretty nuts right away, hootin’ and hollerin’ about getting shamed out of being mayor anymore. “I faced crises that would’ve had you pinheads curled up in the fetal position, sobbing for mommy,” he gripes. “I regret nothing. I apologize for nothing.”

And, of course, just like everyone else, he blames the Heroic Spider-Man.

The newswoman is like “I’m not actually interviewing you, dingus. Do you want a job here?” Jameson immediately grins like a psychopath.

In Alphabet City (where the fire is on fire!), Spider-Man flies into the burning building to do… something? He meets a man named Ollie, who is presumably Mary Jane Watson’s new boyfriend. Together they rescue a kid who just happens to be sleeping in the homeless hovel. They bond over this moment that lasts thirty seconds. But then Ollie steps on a weak floorboard and drops halfway through the floor.

“Looks like your pal ran into some bad luck,” says Black Cat, who shows up in the impossibly-still-on-fire building. Spidey thinks she’s here to help, but she’s got other things in mind… (like hot dogs, maybe? idk)

Black Cat slashes at Spider-Man, who wonders loudly what the hell her problem is. “You have the nerve to ask me for help? After what you did to me?”

At this point Spider-Man tries to do the whole Doc Ock explanation, but it doesn’t come through. “I DON’T CARE!” Black Cat yells in giant red block letters. So Spider-Man goes all in and pretends to actually still be Doc Ock. “I’m still Otto Octavius! And now… the die is cast!” he says like a complete fucking dork.

Black Cats gets spooked and decides to leave. “Okay. I’ve pushed my luck enough tonight,” she says anticlimactically. Spidey can’t believe she fell for it. Whew! “Did I really talk like that for months and no one noticed?” Now back to the fire that’s killing everyone… like Ollie, who is worse for wear.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Yeah, I’m just dying here while you slap-fight with cat ladies. Don’t mind me.

Spidey saves Ollie and all the firefighters outside rejoice! Mary Jane is there too! They embrace each other in front of limp-dicked Spider-Man, but then he disappears into the night…

Meanwhile, Parker’s team has somehow lost the 200-pound Electro Sensor…

It’s because Black Cat stole it…

And she’s still going to make Spider-Man pay whether he’s an oozy octopus or not…

So she asks Electro, who is cowering on a rooftop, for help…

And together they’re going to get rid of…

The one who wronged both of them…

That’s right. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Final Thoughts

Who gives a shit about spindly little Spider-Man anyway. Let him live his sorry life of Stouffer’s dinners and tiny dwarf girlfriends. I’ll be in the can.


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 2 – Swearing an Iron Vow

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

The Great Plague of the Old World still haunts what few members are left of my grandparents’ generation. Approximately 35 million people perished, with less than 500,000 successfully emigrating to the Ironlands without affliction. All 500,000 represented different houses, settlements, factions, and circles of the Old World and, as such, the population distributed somewhat evenly among the land. Some, for example, cannot withstand the harsh climate of the northern regions, while others seek solace in the icy bite of winter’s cruel winds.

Recently, an affliction has creeped into Wolfspire. It started minor. It started slow. Inflammations that our healer, Hirsham, could easily mitigate with herbal poultices. No one in our circle feared a new plague at first. Some of the elders took extra precautions; still traumatized by the Great Plague. But since Hirsham had everything under control, we carried on our days with nary a negative thought. Soon, the symptoms became noticeable and severe. Unchecked inflammation turned to fever; fever turned to coma; coma turned to certain death. All within three or four days. Thankfully, the disease is incredibly rare. Usually, inflammation turning to fever required extra attention that was nothing Hirsham couldn’t reverse within a week or two, but this affliction is more complicated than anything he had experienced before. A fever turning to coma? Unheard of in the Tempest Hills where the summer air is chilly enough to stave off even the strongest of fevers. But this? It was truly concerning.

I don’t pretend to be any sort of clairvoyant — I scoff at the notion — but ever since the Sickness started to spread through my village my nights have been cursed with intrusive dreams. One intrusive dream, in fact — a recurring one. I am in a pristine chapel with walls carved out of the finest white stone, rows of seats crafted with the finest mahogany, an altar elaborately decorated with sparkling jewels and adorned with roses and candles. Chapels like these do not exist in the Tempest Hills as far as I have experienced. I’ve told Father about the chapel in my dreams and I was met with a snort as a response. “Sounds like the kind of hedonistic decadence they enjoy in the Havens,” he said derisively. “I expect no less from a land full of lazy vagabonds and plump nobles. Send any of them anywhere even slightly north of Hinterlands and watch them wither away to nothing just at the possibility of a day’s hard work.”

Did the chapel in my dreams exist somewhere on the Ironlands, perhaps in the Havens as my father suggests? Surely not one just like it, I would hope. Next in my dream, a High Priest stands at the altar. His grizzled beard extends to his chest, his streaked gray hair tied back in a loose braid, his dark gray hat and matching robes smoky in contrast to the brilliance of the white room. Before he speaks, his eyes burn a blazing red. Standing perfectly still, his mouth unhinges in a terrifying gape as several demonic tongues at once echo into the large, open expanse of the nave. The priest then arches his body forward, lifts his head up to the Heavens, and shrieks a noiseless cry. White mist from his mouth floats to the ceiling as his eyes continue to burn, back impossibly arched back, creating a gnarled shadow on the wall behind him. The earth starts rumbling as the demonic tongues continue to groan, moan, and whisper around the nave. Behind the priest an iron pillar rises out of the floor as if pushed upwards by a tremendous force. In the back of the nave to the right, and in the back of the nave to the left, similar pillars rise out of the floor. Girth like a tree at the base, tapered at the top, all three pillars rise and do not stop at the ceiling. They continue to push upward, upward, eternally upward. They grow more radiant by the second, until suddenly all three stop. The rumbling of the earth stops, the echoes stop, the mist stops swirling to the ceiling.

Suddenly, with a deafening bang, beams of light connect the middles of the three pillars in a glorious, holy triangle. For a moment everything seems to have been solved, to have been clicked into place. Then the walls begin melting. The air gets hazy and hot. And red. Fire ignites the seats and altar; the High Priest is like a statue as he himself is engulfed in flames. The beams of light shine brighter and brighter as everything around them appears to be sinking into a pit of Hell. The last thing I see before I bolt up in a cold sweat is a horrible, laughing red face. As if the Devil himself. It feels so real every single time. And it never deviates. The dream is exactly the same every single time.

Main Quest
Synchronize the Three Blighted Pillars of the Ages

I wake up one morning sweating and exhausted. Weeks and weeks of the burning, melting altar have left me rattled and sleep-deprived. I swear that if I ever leave Wolfspire and find myself in the Havens I’ll be seeking out this mysterious chapel. If it’s even there in the first place. There must be a reason for my recurring nightmare and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it drive me absolutely stark raving mad.

Completely malcontented with my current predicament, I decide that morning to cross the village to visit Hirsham for a remedy. Any remedy will do, I care not what it contains or how it may feel on my skin or taste on my tongue. A dreamless sleep for even one night would be bliss. When I arrive at Hirsham’s quarters in the castle, I am met with a disposition of fear and panic. “Hello Lady Jane, what a pleasant surprise. Are you unwell?”

The look on Hirsham’s face was unsettling to me. It didn’t seem appropriate at the moment to complain about bad dreams. “What’s wrong, Hirsham? Can I help you with something?”

“Oh, Lady Jane! Unless you are in dire need of healing, I’m afraid I can’t assist you this morning. Five more townsfolk have fallen ill to the Sickness!” Hirsham motioned to the adjacent room where the beds were full. “I cannot watch more of our friends and family fall deep into comas from which they can never return! I just can’t!”

It was unlike the usually level-headed Hirsham to be so frantic. I wanted nothing more than to soothe his anxiety. “Hirsham, I swear it. I will do anything to help!”

“Lady Jane, there is nothing I can ask of you that will be appropriate of a young woman of your station. My aides are far too busy with the ill to help me with what I will admit is a very poor chance to reverse the Sickness, but I do not know who to turn to with everyone so busy with preparing for the upcoming winter. Based on my recent research in my medical journals, I have discovered a potion called the Draught of Healing Miasma that is purported to clear a fever and pull the stricken out of a coma. My hopes are that this will stave off death and bring the ill to an eventual recovery. I don’t know if it will work for the Sickness, but I’m left with no other recourse.”

Daught of Healing Miasma? That name makes no sense. Miasma is illness in of itself. I wasn’t going to argue with Hirsham or his medical journals, but this sounded like a fantasy to me. “Again, do not make me stomp my feet! What can I do to help you? If it means leaving the village I will do it! The circle means the world to me, and I too will not witness another one of our people succumb to an early, needless death!”

Hirsham looked astonished, but he also betrayed an expression of insight. “Yes. Yes, of course you can help, Lady Jane. Of course. Are you aware of the nearby settlement of Winterwood to the northeast? This is where I spent seven years studying the arts and sciences of healing. If there is any place in the Ironlands where one could find a Draught of Healing Miasma, it would be Winterwood. Are you absolutely sure this is a mission you would like to embark upon?”

I looked Hirsham right in the eye. “I swear an iron vow, Hirsham. I will help you find this draught.”

Quest #1
Retrieve the Draught of Healing Miasma

Hirsham’s face lit up. “Oh, gods. Lady Jane, this is truly an altruistic act! Thank you! Again, this is entirely conjecture, but it is better than doing nothing. I will need to stay and tend to the ill, and I do not wish to pester you, but haste is key! Northeast, my girl! Thank you! Oh gods, thank you!”

I stand there smiling wanly. Northeast, sure? But where exactly? Am I to acquire a map? Do I need supplies, a companion, a weapon? I never have left the village, how am I to brave a journey such as this when the road could be replete with beasts, bandits, rapers, or other dangerous obstacles? I decide to ask the people I trust and wanderers what I can expect.

One of my older brothers scares me. On purpose, no doubt. He speaks of terrifyingly large wolves and man-eating wildebeests. My usual snarkiness eludes me as he grabs a bow and quiver from a closet in his quarters. He shoves them at my chest. “Here, enjoy yourself.”

A particularly insightful wanderer warns me of packs of wolves on the road to Winterwood and warns me to sharpen my bow skills. I do not have time, and I pray to the old gods that I can get by on my years of archery training (that I never became very proficient at).

I understand that my journey will no doubt be dangerous. Quiver and bow at my back, I set off alone.

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578 – “Chapter Four: …So Shall Ye Reap…”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Batman: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578 – “Chapter Four: …So Shall Ye Reap…l”! In the previous installment, Batman joins forces with Joe Chill, the man who killed his parents, in order to stop The Reaper, a man who is barely doing anything and just minding his own business killing cops and being an all around good Samaritan. Leave the guy alone.

Batman struggles internally with his decision to work with the murder guy, but I barely care about that. Honestly, if it bothers Batman so much then he should just “accidentally” push him off a fucking bridge. Oops! And he still keeps his moral compass pointed north. Then we’re all happy.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578 [September, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter Four: …So Shall Ye Reap…”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578

Joey Chill has disappointed his boss yet again! Not only has The Reaper escaped unharmed, very much the opposite of the intention, but they lost a shipment of drugs too!

Chill seems to be panicking internally. His best diversion tactic is something along the lines of “but now I know how The Reaper and The Batman operate, so I can be two steps ahead of them!” So Chill’s boss, Mr. Morritz, finds this suitable enough without needing to stab his throat 47 times. And then a couple stabs in the eyeballs for good measure.

So kill both The Reaper and The Batman and we won’t fit your ass with a pair of cement jeans. You have until Friday, which is also Pizza Hut night. Don’t forget.

Meanwhile, The Reaper accosts a garishly-dressed George R. R. Martin guy in the alley and plucks the glasses right off his fat face. Fucking police informers. What good are they? So here’s a deal, random sir on the street: “You will tell the police that a council of organized crime will meet Friday at the Brayshaw warehouse. You will not tell them the information came from me.”

The Reaper cracks the dude’s glasses and goes on his merry way. George R. R. Martin starts crying in the alley, basically. He’s got an armful of books, too. He’s just like Burgess Meredith in The Twilight Zone! That’s a good reference for the kids.

Elsewhere, Bruce Wayne gets ready for another dinner date with nun-turned-whore Rachel Caspian. Dr. Leslie has resigned to the fact that Bruce’s charms are transcendent enough to melt the panties off a bride of Christ, but we can leave all that to our imaginations. Alfred is caught unawares that Bruce is going out since he made TV dinners for two. He still has an awful Hitler mustache. Alfred still fucks, though.

Bruce takes Rachel out to a Chinese restaurant where an awful racist caricature of a man offers them fortune cookies. Rachel cracks one open and finds a very expensive diamond ring! All like “will you marry me” and all like “ok”.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578

Delicious!

Now that such an unpleasant display of human affection is behind us forever, we can turn to Gritty Jim Gordon and his craggy, shitty face. He and a lieutenant are staking out an alley waiting for the go-ahead to bust open the warehouse and apprehend some motherfuckers. And, of course, the motherfuckers hear the rumpus and start panicking. Then other cops show up as backup. Then a few get scythed by the lurking Reaperman, who enters the warehouse and scythes Mr. Morritz! He’s all bloody and gross now. It’s a sight to behold, unless you’re squeamish about that kind of thing.

Gordon’s like “I KNEW THE REAPER WAS INVOLVED” and he yells this at no one in particular.

Then Batman shows up and it’s chaos all over again. Our hero decides to bash a couple of cops’ heads together, then proceeds to run over a couple more with a stolen police van. ACAB indeed, sir.

Then Batman tries to plow into The Reaper, but I don’t think he hits him as there are plentiful panels of poorly-drawn explosions and other bullshit to wade through here. Lots of WHUNKTs and WAH-WHOOMs as sound effects. There’s even a CROOOM!

By now the warehouse has been set on fire ten times over, and Gordon’s team has to yell at him to run away because he’s still frantically looking for his targets. Luckily, later, they corner one of the Mob Boss-type guys to get more information on Mr. Batman. And he was only working with the mob until he got the Reaper, who may or may not be dead now I guess. Hard to say.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578

You’ve gone on, like, two dates. Try boning a little bit more.

At any rate, Gordon now trusts him enough to send up the Batsignal. He wants to have a cordial chat with the cowled man. Meanwhile, Bruce shows up at Rachel’s door to whine and moan a little bit about not being the man that she thinks he is. He has to do something that he may regret and that Rachel may find shameful, but he promises he’ll hide the magazines and video tapes when he’s done.

Ignoring the Batsignal for now, because Commissioner Gordon doesn’t have, like, a family or anything to go home to, Batman traipses his way over to Joe Chill’s decrepit living quarters and sticks a gun right against the sleeping man’s temple. Then Chill stirs and wakes up. “You were knocked unconscious by the explosion,” Batman explains. “I brought you here – a hideout of mine.”

Batman has many hideouts! As many as he has orifices, and those can also be considered hideouts! Mr. Morritz is dead. The Reaper is dead. It’s just you and me now, buttercup. There’s talks to be had.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna give me a hard time. They wanted me to ice you, yeah, but there’s no point now,” explains Chill as he whips out his own gun. “What say we shake hands and call it quits?”

No, we’re not calling it quits, Broseph. Batman leads him to the dingy, dark, graffiti-laden alleyway. “Don’t you recognize it?” Batman asks as Chill wonders what the fuck is going on. “You’ve been here, Chill. It was twenty years ago…” Batman frowns and looks constipated.

“You tried to take a necklace from a woman. Her husband tried to stop you… and you killed them.” And when asked how Bats knows this, Batman rips off his face revealing his other face. “…Because I’m their son!”

Titillating! My nips are hard just reading through this suspense!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578

Does “bukkake-style” mean anything to you?

Batman goes nuts and punching and pistol whipping this stupid butthole. Chill dares him to follow through. Shoot him now, pussy. He doesn’t think Batman has the guts.

Batman presses the barrel right up against Chill’s forehead. Then his head gets blown to festival of blood, guts, gore, piss, and cum.

…but it ain’t Batman who pulled the trigger. The Fucking Reaper stands there with a smoking gun. Holy Jesus, sir, he now knows Batman’s unmasked visage. The handsome, chiseled face! “Now your secret is mine!” The Reaper jubilates. He invites Batman to finish this fight at the foundation Bruce is building in memory of his father, opposite the hot dog cart.

The fighting happens and it’s very glorious and *checks watch* exciting. It’s kind of funny seeing Batman just go apeshit with a gun, though. He keeps trying to pop The Reaper with no success since he keeps dodging the bullets like he’s fucking Neo. Batman backs The Reaper to edge of a steel beam, where he tumbles and loses his skull face head thing, revealing his very Caspian-like secret identity.

Caspian goes “ha ha it was me all along!” before deciding to voluntarily plummet off the building to his death. All like “Batman, you have proven yourself to be a worthy successor of mine in Gotham’s vigilante business!” *splat*

About fourteen seconds later the press swarms outside Rachel’s house. This is probably how she learns her father is dead, the vultures are shrieking stuff like “YOUR DAD IS DEAD LMAO”. Bruce shoves his way past the crowd and into the house. He uses this is a great opportunity to bring up one of those “let’s leave together forever” ideas that don’t ever work out, but she isn’t having it.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #578

Child sex trafficking isn’t that much of a crime, dear. Matt Gaetz gets away with it all the time!

Apparently, it’s Nun Time for Rachel again since her father was a such a poopypants Crime Man. Bruce walks away dejected and toward the other 35,000 women who want to fuck him.

EPILOGUE! Bruce shows Dr. Leslie Thompkins her first floor office. Just the way she wanted it!

Batman later swings around in the sky, eagerly anticipating his next great adventure!

Final Thoughts

This was just OK. It’s nice to see some actual blood in a DC comic; some real late ‘80s grit. Nowadays Batman uses a water-squirting boutonniere to catch the bad guy. How times have changed.


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Invincible, Issue #8

* Part 4 of 4 of the Eight of Enough storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #8! In the previous installment, Omni-Man (Mark’s mustachioed dad) kills everyone in the Guardians of the Globe.

That’s it. That’s all. It’s really somethin’! What’s Mark gonna do when he finds out?

He’s going to keep eating his dinner or he’ll be sent to bed, that’s what.

Invincible, Issue #8 [January, 2004]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Invincible, Issue #8Omni-Man McDad is outside in the driveway talking to a mysterious figure in a trench coat and hat. “I just can’t believe they’re all… dead,” Nolan says like a filthy liar that he and everyone and humanity in general is.

Anyway, fiddle-dee-dee. Whodunit? No idea, but Mr. Trench Coat intends to find out. “What do you know about Black Samson?” the man asks. Nolan knows a lot about Black Samson! For one thing, he’s a cuckoo nutbar and he stole his suit back from the cleaners before it was even done yet.

“Do you think Samson is capable of this?” asks the man. The answer is a resounding HELL NO! Black Samson sucks with his powers. He wouldn’t have been able to take out the entire Justice League! Ahem… I mean… Guardians of the Globe.

Well, nevertheless, Black Samson is the prime suspect until Nolan does something stupid like accidentally drop 900 copies of his confession out of a 105-story window.

Amidst the clandestine discussion of INCREDIBLE WEIGHT, Invincible flies home through his bedroom window to find Atom Eve crying on his bed.

“Eve? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, Mark… it was horrible! It was Rex… with Kate… … …and there was more than one of her!”

Sounds like a sexy, fun time. Did you get in on that, Eve? Hmm? Eve? Why are you still crying, Eve? Did you get in on that? Did you hear me?

“He was cheating on me! With that… multi-slut!”

Oh, right. Not a sexy, fun time… … … … …yet…

Atom Eve buries her head in Invincible’s lap. Just really burrowing in there face first. Just slobbering and getting the crotch all wet, baby.

Invincible, Issue #8

Once, Rex stole my toothbrush and used it to clean a part of his body that definitely wasn’t one or many tooths.

Mark’s mom catches Mark with Eve’s head in his lap. And from her angle, it didn’t look good. “Downstairs. Both of you. NOW!”

Whoops, that’s embarrassing! Mark gets the talk, but not the birds and the bees. More like the keep-girls-out-of-your-room and the or-else-you’ll-be-picking-up-your-teeth-with-broken-fingers.

And then Mark gets more of the talk. Kinda like the just-fuck-somewhere-else-so-I-don’t-know talk, which makes Mark all kinds of embarrassed. “Mom! We’re really just friends!” he yells with his little snot-nose. Mark is a wimp. He should be hitting that.

Nolan comes home to tell his son that the Guardians of the Globe are dead. All of them. Even Alfalfa and Spanky! So clean yourself up for the funeral tomorrow, it’s gonna be a doozy!

At school the next morning, Mark and William discuss physics class in the hallway. KINETICS AND FORCES? WOOZLE WUZZLE? A girl comes up to Mark and hangs him a note in a pink envelope. “Open it later when you get home,” she says seductively, swishing as she walks away.

Invincible, Issue #8

SHIT! He’s mad at me now! I should’ve called him a sack of dildos first!

But Mark doesn’t have much time to ogle because he sees a buff, burly-looking kid named Derek Sanders walking the halls. It’s weird because a month and a half ago he was turned into a human time bomb so Mark thought it might have taken him longer to recover. Nope! William confirms that he has a metal torso now! Isn’t that neat? Pure beryllium alloy! Toxic as fuck!

Well, they have a brief somewhat pleasant exchange, but now Mark has to head off the the funeral. William, in the middle of what is luckily an empty hallway goes “OH YEAH, THE SUPERHERO GUYS, AND YOU MUST BE GOING BECAUSE YOUR DAD IS A SUPERHERO, AS WELL AS YOU, MARK GRAYSON” before Mark has a chance to tell him to cork his hole. Luckily, only Eve is there to overhear, and she does just that, but she’s cool, you see.

“Was that Derek?” she asks Mark.

“Yep.”

“Wow.”

Indeed, “yep” and “wow”.

Before the funeral, Invincible beats up a guy dressed as a giant elephant. Knocks him out cold, probably killed him. It looked like fun.

Back at home, Dad’s getting ready for the Main Event. Mom asks him what they should do for Mark’s birthday this year. You know, Mark. Their son. His birthday. Which is next week. And, ha, Dad forgot because “MUH FRIENDS DIED”, which makes Mom feel bad. If I told that to my wife she would just tell me to eat a butt in outer space.

The funeral is full of stupid-looking costumed heroes and mutants. Mr. Trench Coat has ruled out Samson on account of him being a big hermit doofus lately, so that leaves the supervillains as the next list of suspects. Omni-Man is in the clear… for now…

Omni-Man gives the eulogy. Here, I’ll post it for no reason other than I need to fill in some space!

Invincible, Issue #8

…as dead motherfuckers! Ha! OWNED OWNED OWNED OWNED!

But he actually calls them “legends”. Sorry.

In the middle of the eulogy, Omni-Man draws attention to two very large, very suited bad guys. They’re just here to pay respects to a group of worthy adversaries, nothing more. Invincible, with the strength of a spud, tells his dad that he’ll keep an eye on them.

Suddenly, the gravestone behind Omni-Man explodes. The culprit is a ranting, frothing, floating man who looks like Sinestro in heat. His name is Sanford and he was supposed to kill the Guardians of the Globe. He was robbed of his right! GGGNNNAAAHHH!!!

So now we’re fighting this douchebag, who doubles as Samson’s butler. “You can’t stop me! I won’t quit until I see their bodies destroyed! They abandoned Samson – turned their backs on him when he needed them most! For that they must pay!”

Uh-huh. Well that’s wholly uninteresting, sir. Try again.

Sanford gets knocked cold, making Samson cry. The two villains paying their respects are like “man, you defeated us in less time with less help than this nerd.”

After the service, the villains commiserate with one another, looking quite suspicious. They are certainly up to something…

Invincible, Issue #8

Usually, though, there are more of those little Jell-O squares.

Meanwhile, Atom Eve decides to swing back over to the bridge tower secret base where she caught her boyfriend fucking her other friend and also copies of her other friend. She catches the two of them being lovey-dovey and she gets mad and she leaves. “Eve! Wait!” Rex says, trying to run after her. “It doesn’t have to be this way…”

Oh yes it does, Mr. Frisky! Yes it does!

Speaking of frisky, Mark goes home to finally tear open that lovely-smelling pink envelope that a GIRL gave him today! Ohhhh boy, it’s probably an invitation to the inside of her pants! And–

“CALL ME 278-2886″

Fuck yeah!

Mark doesn’t have enough time to process the whole “call me” aspect of the note. He starts hearing a pebble bounce off his bedroom window. It’s William. Use your phone, nerd. What year is this? 2004. I was texting in 2004!

Invincible, Issue #8

Welcome to 2004 when being gay wasn’t cool yet for some reason.

“Man… that Amber girl wants me to call her.”

“Really? You stud.”

“I don’t even know her… she’s in my history class, but we’ve never spoken.”

Cool. Cool cool cool. Anyway, William wants Mark to fly him around so Mark best do it before he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. And Mark needs William for reasons I haven’t figured out nor seen evidence for yet.

In their marital bed, Momma and Poppa Grayson mull over the day. Dad wants to write another book to pay for Mark’s future useless college adventure.

“You okay?” asks Mom.

“I’m fine. Why do you ask?” says Dad.

“You just haven’t been yourself lately.”

“Jesus, Debbie! Seven of my colleagues were just murdered!”

Oh boo hoo, motherfucker. My friend was murdered yesterday and I already forgot his name.

Well, Debbie doesn’t buy it. This doesn’t seem like sadness. This seems like HAPPINESS. But not quite that! More like pensiveness…

“I’m fine,” Dad says unconvincingly. And the subject is verily dropped.

We end our story in the cemetery. That Derek Sanders guy approaches a gravestone. “David Hiles – 1994 – 2003. Forgive him, he lost his way.” That’s the gravestone’s epitaph. Derek doesn’t say it out loud. He says stuff about what a bitch Hiles was and then he pees on his grave!

It looks like this:

Invincible, Issue #8

PEE

Meanwhile, two young boys approach another grave on the other side of the cemetery. They have shovels, and they aren’t for sandcastles. I don’t think so, at least!

“Why are we doing this again?” asks the nervous one.

“Because, I read on the internet that if you drink from the Immortal’s skull you’ll live forever,” responds the confident one. That’s a funny way of saying “I wanna fuck that sexy corpse”, but we can’t always be so subtle.

The nervous one points out that the dude has only been dead for a few days and, ergo, he hasn’t skeletonized yet. The confident one is pretty confident that they can just deal with whatever they find, and plus, you want someone else to get the idea first? Ninja please.

So they start digging. They dig dig dig. And diggity diggity dig. And diggity diggity diggity diggity diggity dig dig. And then they strike gold!

“We’ll take it from here, boys,” says Villain #1 who was at the funeral. “You have no idea the time you saved us.”

“Indeed,” says Villain #2 who was at the funeral.

And then everyone exploded and died a violent, fuzzy death.

Final Thoughts

INTRIGUE. This story was better than the first one. This one had more Guardians of the Globe murder, for one thing!

See you next time, Invincible fans! All two of you!


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The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the Parker Luck storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2! In the previous installment… well, there were a lot of stories. But the main story covered Peter Parker’s return from consciousness after Doc Ock took over his body and started a successful company! So good for him, I guess!

Doc Ock had a girlfriend named Anna Maria Marconi, who is now Peter Parker’s girlfriend by the laws of the transitive property. And Anna Maria Marconi found a ring in Peter Parker’s dresser. And now he has some ‘splainin’ to do.

Oh yeah, and Parker is 28 years old so I can’t make constant references to Teenage Peter Parker Jerkin’ It like I do in Ultimate Spider-Man. Rest assured, though, he still jerks it for sure.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Today, in a room with no windows, a young, svelte woman looks through a cupboard, one of the many containing years upon years worth of food. “Hmm. Chicken marsala.”

She prepares her meal, pulls out a videotape of Spider-Man fighting Electro, and settles down for a lovely evening. With a “shwip”, she is able to hit the light switch with a dainty thread of webbing straight from her finger…

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE! We begin our story proper in Tribeca. The apartment of Peter Parker and 3’9” Anna Maria Marconi. Parker is trying to convince the young, short, short, short woman that he’s not the Spider-Man she knows. Nor even the Peter Parker she knows! She doesn’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean. He tries to explain that his mind was swapped by Doctor Octopus, but this all sounds so stupid and made-up. I know I don’t believe it, and I’m supposed to! It’s part of the story!

But then she believes it, like immediately. “I have to cook,” she finally says. She absorbs information better when she’s cooking. She’s going to make cookies or something.

She calls Doc Ock “bold and decisive… yet surprisingly tender”, which also describes this awesome pot roast I made a few weeks ago. Parker tells Marconi, for what it’s worth, Doc Ock probably did love her maybe.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Presented without comment.

Marconi places the cookies into the oven, instructs Not-Doc-Ock to take them out in exactly 22 minutes, then fucks off for a mind-clearing walk. Peter Parker stands there in the apartment, alone and forlorn. lol

Parker gets a call from what I presume to be one of the Avengers. Duty calls, hotshot. Get your ass to the mansion.

Meanwhile, in the West Village, Max “Electro” Snuffleupagus visits the apartment of a hipster named Francine. Covered in tattoos and piercings. “Damn! Max Dillon. What brings you to my little hole in the wall? Does big ol’ bad Electro need a recharge? Come in and plug in.”

So, Electro accidentally destroyed an entire prison and needs a place to crash. Francine has a lady boner for this doofus, so her home is his home. Just don’t touch the vegetables.

Electro’s fizzling and popping all over place. He’s charging up, causing Francine’s piercings to tug at her face. “Sorry. My power’s been acting up. You should probably keep your distance.” And Francine is like, “nothin’ doin’, toots, I like a little foreplay.”

AVENGERS TOWER. After 12 security scans, Captain America is ready to believe the Spider-Man is indeed Spider-Man. BUT!… “I still have two questions, Spider-Man. One, why are you 28 minutes late?”

The answer to this is that he had cookies in the oven. And he brought some to share!

“All right, that brings me to number two,” Cap continues. “Why are you wearing pants?”

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Well, sir, for one thing, we live in a society.

Spider-Man launches into his whole “waah, muh brain was switched” and then “waah, some lady zapped off all my clothes” and then “waah, Doc Ock changed my web formula and after creating web underwear my pants are stuck”. We’ve all heard this song and dance before.

Now Cap asks for a full medical scan, which confirms that Spider-Man is exactly who he purports to say he is. Cap isn’t convinced, because he doesn’t understand how to make connections, so he wants to wait for Tony Stark to show up so that he can explain it to him with puppets.

After Cap is finally duly convinced, Spider-Man punches him in the face for knowing that Doc Ock switched his brain out, which is something that I, the reader, have to infer. This causes the paranoia all over again, so Peter Parker is an idiot and we definitely won’t get out of here before lunchtime.

Oh wait, Parker is mad that the Avengers knew that Venom was Flash Thompson. Whatever, I’m sure that’s going to be in a comic book I’ll read when I’m 56 years old.

Cap apologizes for his transgressions. Spider-Man helps him up off the floor. We all kiss and hug and have a good time. For now, Flash Venom is in space and he can’t be helped. That’s a problem for another fantastic Amazing Spider-Man storyline! Now, what the Avengers want Spider-Man to do is hold down the fort until they’re back from fighting crime. Think you can do that, sport?

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You’ve been trying to get my pants off for years, Captain.

Spider-Man decides to not do that immediately. He travels to his lab so he can find some solvent to dissolve the web underwear away from his pantaloons. He runs into Sajani, who has been trying to get a hold of him for over an hour now. “There’s a major problem!” she yells.

The glitch has spread to the nanite system! Fix it, sir!

Peter Parker is in way over his head. He barely has a high school degree.

Anna Maria Marconi pops into the room wearing a lab coat; reminds Peter Parker that he got her a job here, dummy. “Sajani, excuse me. I need to speak to Peter right away.” It’s relationship drama, certainly more important than nanite glitches. I hope you understand, Scientist Lady.

“I’m pregnant,” Marconi says with an overdramatic face. Parker and Sajani stare at her. Sajani excuses herself. Forever.

But, haha, Marconi just said that to get her out of the room! What she really wants to do is teach Parker about nanites because he clearly knows jack shit. A real act of altruism. In a perfect world, Parker would look the fool in front of everyone until the company goes bankrupt. It worked for Donald Trump.

Back in Francine’s apartment, she tells him that she was worried at first that Electro had switched alliances. Working for Spider-Man? That would have been rich! No, no, he was under the influence of mad Doc Ock experiment powers. But Electro doesn’t know that. He thinks Spider-Man did it. And now his electricity powers have taken a beating because of it.

Francine leans in for a smoochy-smoochy and she gets electrocuted. She’s probably dead! We’ll see that later. It’s way more dramatic than how I’m barely describing it, but I’m not going to give it the satisfaction.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #2

But yeah, it’s a lot like this actually.

In Parker’s lab, the power goes out suddenly. He knows immediately that it must be Electro’s doing, so Marconi gives him permission to put on his costume with the pants and everything and go out and fight the crime. But Marconi has solvent to dissolve the webs. She’s earned a raise.

So Spider-Man finds Electro and he’s all like “NRRRAAAGGGHHHH!!”, zapping all over the place. Spidey tells him to cool his jets, which Electro finds chuckleworthy. “This is all your fault! You did this to me! You and all your freakin’ experiments!”

Spidey goes “buh-whut” and decides that, again, Doc Ock has fucked around and other people are finding out. Well, in the meantime, Spidey decides to try to be diplomatic and offer to pool their ideas together to find a solution to this whole “electricity is going everywhere and killing hipsters” problem.

A crowd has gathered. Electro is not taking Spidey up on his offer. He doesn’t want to be a lab rat again, for starters. Also, fuck you, Spider-Man.

Spidey’s Plan B involves luring Electro to a fire hydrant, which soaks him to the point where he flies off going “D’ooooohhh, Spider-Man! You win again!”

The gathering crowd had had a secret individual. Black Cat, whom Electro busted out of the joint by accident. She now thinks they’re even, but she should still keep an eye on him…

Spider-Man doesn’t have time to celebrate his victory. His phone rings again and it’s the Human Torch. They meet at the usual place: the top of the Statue of Liberty for some reason (in, yuck, New Jersey). Spidey waits at the top, but Human Torch can’t get up there because he lost his powers. Who knows why, I certainly don’t. “You know, a while back, when I ‘died’ in the Negative Zone, it was weird for me coming back to the real world, too,” Human Torch says unhelpfully. Treat it like a clean slate! You’ll buck up, pardner! In the meantime, he’s a thumbdrive of all the TV, movies, and music that you missed out on while you were switched off. Have you heard of Kendrick Lamar?!

Parker thanks him profusely with sex.

Undoing all the Doc Ock damage will take some time. He created robot spiders. Creating an evil, secret base. You know how it goes. This gives Parker an idea…

The next day, Parker rounds up his staff and tells them that cybernetic research is on hold indefinitely. Time to figure out how to trap and depower Electro, and then build a new prison. A better prison! One with lots of security and plenty of conjugal visits!

Nothing could go wrong, right??

Final Thoughts

Right!


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