Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1!
Why am I reading a different Spider-Man? Isn’t Ultimate Spider-Man enough? Probably! But I really enjoyed Silk (Vol. 1) and I’m pretty sure this is where Cindy Moon all started. So I’m going to peruse this Marvel NOW! Spider-Man series. Got a problem with that?
Didn’t think so.
Also, this issue is enormous, so I apologize in advance for this giant brick of a blog post.
Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [June, 2014]
”Lucky to Be Alive”
Dan Slott
The flashback is sepia and old-timey. 13 years ago, before Justin Bieber was born, a stray spider accidentally absorbs a shit-ton of radioactivity during a laboratory science exhibit. This spider bites a little nerd and starts scooting away… down the table… onto the floor… and bites a second nerd on her foot before dying.
Peter Parker does his whole “ooh, ahh, oh no, my head, it tingles so!” while the unknown second victim aka CINDY MOON AKA “SILK” which I’m not supposed to know yet spoiler alert goes “Ah!”
Now it’s 13 years later. At 49th Street and 6th Avenue some white-faced woman with floppy rabbit ears and a basket of Easter eggs, along with her assistant in a panda suit, are terrorizing the locals. There’s also a Hippo. I think the Criminal Furry Convention has lost a few of its patrons.
A young man with a baby carrier on his chest gets pushed forward. With two seconds away from crushing his baby on the concrete, a mighty THWIP signals the sweet, satisfying sound of a gooey web on the young man’s back. “No squished babies. Not on my first day back.”
Bunny Rabbit is like “gahh, not Spider-Man!” She had planned this heist for months! Grrr! She tries shooting him with her laser umbrella. He ejaculates a barrage of webs in her direction, rendering her deterred! Huzzah!
Spider-Man catches the falling eggs into a web-net. It’s a pile of very fragile Faberge eggs, and he tells the crowd to check on them in an hour while he goes to do some other superhero stuff.
Bad puns make me a sad hippo :[
There are a lot of Spider-Man quips going on; puns like “nest eggs” and “putting all your eggs in one basket” that are demonstrably not funny. The crowd, stone-faced, are like “hey, he’s joking again, we have our Spidey back!” Meanwhile, I’m changing the channel!
Suddenly, out of nowhere, for no reason other than fanservice for exactly one fetishist reader, Spider-Man is shown completely nude except for his mask and a diaper made completely out of webbing. A woman WOOs while snapping a photo. Jailbait, baby, gimme the good stuff.
FOUR HOURS EARLIER at Parker Industries on Pier 64, 28-year-old Peter Parker speaks to the press about his death (untrue) and that he’s back (as you can see). “All of us here are okay and ready to go back to work. The only real damage we took was to our logo. Trust me, it’s business as usual here at ‘Arker Industries’.” lol lol
The press has questions! IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WERE ATTACKED BY A GOBLIN ON ACCOUNT OF BEING SPIDER-MAN? I MEAN, ON ACCOUNT OF “YOUR CONNECTION” WITH SPIDER-MAN?
The short answer is, yes! And trust him when he says this, Peter Parker will cut all ties off with Spider-Man going forward! All his gizmos and doodads will have to come from somewhere else. Seacrest out!
An old man named Jay and his wife stand by Peter’s side. Also by Peter’s side is a young, grumpy woman named Sajani. Jay is unnerved that Peter goes missing for weeks at a time. “Peter, where have you been running off to?” He puts his wizened hand on Parker’s shoulder. “What could be more important than your own company?”
Hmm, let’s see: getting brain-swapped by Doc Ock for the last few months? Finding out only a few hours ago that he owned this company in the first place? Stuff like that?
A sheepish Peter Parker promised this muthafucka Jay that the company will be his top priority going forward, heh heh. Sajani appears to be his sultry business partner *growl*, and she will keep him in line or it’s boot-up-the-ass time.
Jay appears to be Aunt May’s new main squeeze, hubba hubba. Parker is happy to see her happy, and whatnot. Looks like everything is copacetic! Hopefully there are no further surprises on the docket.
Maybe some midget lady named Anna Maria Marconi will be a new surprise? She’s barely as tall as the doorknob, and she rents an apartment with Parker. She looks for her lost purse, but no dice. She calls Parker at his office, and he’s there! She’ll be right over!
$27 of only the finest zircon!
Looking for some spare car keys, she finds a fuckin’ engagement ring in a drawer! D’oh! Hope you like surprises, Peter “Pisspants” Parker!
Elsewhere, the media reports on a destroyed prison. Debris is everywhere, the death toll continues to rise, and Electro the Supervillain seems to be responsible! Check out this camera footage, son. There he is right there, blowing up the fucking penitentiary like an asshole. The Avengers were too busy in the city killing the Mayor’s monster security robots that were accidentally set to “kill everything but the Golbin”.
In this timeline, J. Jonah *Hitler Mustache” Jameson is the mayor! And he announced his resignation citing “I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, BUT I’LL BE YOUR FALL GUY. FUCK IT.”
Jameson himself watches the footage of his earlier press conference. He throws a liquor bottle at the TV, hilariously breaking it. “I’m done. Finished. There’s no coming back from this.”
Oh wait, the Daily Bugle. Duh. He can go work there again as Head Honcho of Yelling at Interns! Excelsior! He celebrates by grabbing his morning paper and–
“MAYOR NO MORE” reads the headline. “JAMESON LEAVES THE OFFICE IN DISGRACE”
Jameson seethes! He fumes! “Why, those back-stabbing blood suckers!” he screeches. “That’s it! They’re dead to me! All of ‘em! Dead!”
Meanwhile, Peter Parker struggles to understand anything about his own company. He created nano-tech cybernetic robots! Ha ha?! W/E! They will make billions of dollars, but unfortunately there is a new flaw that only he will be able to solve. So hop to it, boss.
Whut’s a capacitor?? Heh heh.
Sajani, who obviously is and always was the brains behind this operation, takes Parker to his lab and instructs him to get rid of all Spider-Man-related projects. ALL of them! Including the Spider-Man Sex Chair. Your robot butler will help. (Peter Parker has a robot butler.)
Sajani leaves them to it. Peter Parker, not one to procrastinate, decides to put on one of the lab’s Spider-Man suits and hit the town. Now he feels ALIVE again! Figuratively AND literally!
The citizens catch him swinging around the city and jeer at him. I guess Doc Ock made an enemy out of the public. Nothing a few yo-yo tricks won’t solve. *walks the dog*
Also, stopping some crimes might help. Let’s try that one first.
The sound of alarm bells perks his little ears! Flashforward back to Spider-Man being rudely naked in public, which was the work of a woman who fancies herself “Skein”. She has the ability to control fabrics and cloths, and there’s literally no other power that comes from that other than turning somebody nude. Spider-Man kicks her in the face before she can reach the mask. Then he thwips webs around his schlong to hide it from eager rubberneckers! The press is two inches away from it with their cameras. “Hashtag, ‘Spideywhiteys’,” one reporter says. Ha!
We cut to Avengers Tower, where Captain “45 IQ” America bends over a console and stares into a big screen showing Nude Spider-Man. Cap is like “daaarrrrrr, that ain’t spidur-man” while Spider-Woman is like “’fraid so”.
You don’t see photos floating around the internet of Miley Cyrus in a web diaper, do you? On second though, I’d rather not know.
Spider-Man regains his composure, but not his garments, and continues thwarting Skein and her Animal Villains. Once they’re subdued, the crowd gets tired of Spider-Man’s naked antics and tells him to get out of there. So he does, knowing that, for some reason, the public is still pissed off at him. He looks on the bright side, though! He has his own company! He’s got a nice apartment! He’s got his, uh, health! All thanks to brain-swapping Doc Ock. That rapscallion.
Parker swings through his bedroom window. Now fully clothed, he walks into the living room where finds the incredibly short Anna Maria Marconi – Doc Ock’s girlfriend… who thinks she’s Parker’s girlfriend.
She looks concerned and anxious. “Before you ask me anything…” she starts, “…I need you to come clean with me, Peter. I have to know…”
Marconi presents a picture of Nude Spider-Man on her laptop. “…why haven’t you ever told me you were Spider-Man.” Ahhh, she’d recognize that penis anywhere! Good for her!
Peter Parker’s in hot water now! Glub! Ouch!
Hey, there are still about 45 stories left in the issue. Let’s move on!
”Recapturing That Old Spark”
Dan Slott / Christos Gage
An Electro story! I barely know the douchebag and I’m not looking forward to finding out anything about him!
A couple of nights ago, at “the bar with no name”, a man wearing a “Joe and Sons Electricians” jacket asks “Deke” for a “seven and seven”. That’s a lot of quotation marks! And a “seven and seven” is seven ponies of Kool-Aid with seven jiggers of Nesquick.
The bar is full of costumed patrons, which the “Hobgoblins” sold costumes to. Duh.
The patrons are talking shit about Electro, all like “did you hear that Thor shot him into space?” or “did you hear that he pooped his pants at Six Flags Over Texas?”
The man with the jacket is named Max, and he starts sparking with fury! Deke the Bartender tells him to take it easy! He catches the other patrons’ attention and tells them all to show some respect for the man. He looks like Moby with cancer, after all!
One guy calls Max a whiner, and Max whines about it. “Ignore ‘em,” says Deke. “Damn punks… with them it’s all ‘What’ve you done for me lately?’”
Here’s Max’s latest backstory as Electro: He blew up the Raft once. Spider-Man’s using it as a base. Not anymore though, maybe. All the inmates were relocated upstate. The Avengers and the police are busy with the Hobgoblins, so he’s going to try blowing up the Raft again, bust everyone outta da joint. None of this means anything to me.
Take it easy next time, Skeleton Bones!
Of course, Electro overdoes it and falls smoldering and shaking in the middle of the blown-up penitentiary. The penitentiary where he accidentally killed everyone instead of freeing them, whoops. This is Spider-Man’s fault! He messed with Electro’s brain with all his damn experiments! I guess. Doc Ock as Spider-Man, probably. Likely. See, I’m paying attention.
Oh, that’s the end of the story? Okay.
”Crossed Paths”
Dan Slott / Christos Gage
Flashback to Spider-Man beating the absolute piss out of Black Cat. A fist right in the mouth with a “KRAKK”, among other types of physical punishment. The police find her hanging on a wall, covered with Spider-Man’s sticky super cum. “The Spider. My on-again-off-again lover,” she thinks. “He screwed over my entire life.”
She’s getting fresh mugshots taken. She whines internally about him taking everything from her, and she was always nice to him! It’s not even close to fair, man!
Mayor Mustache, J. Jonah Jameson, gives a press conference about all the cool stolen shit they recovered from Black Cat’s home. Trinkets and baubles aplenty, and they’ll all go back to their rightful homes.
“My life is over, and I can never get it back,” she thinks miserably in prison, clad in lovely orange. She appears to be in some co-ed prison where the men and women shower together, which is nice and non-exclusionary. Or the women just look like men, either way is cool.
She doesn’t know what to do next. She’s lost like a sad, little puppy. Then she decides what to do! Ha! She’s going to… get back at Spider-Man. Obviously. Like, it took you that long to think of that? No wonder you suck.
Days later, a particularly burly woman warns Black Cat that life in the joint ain’t all peaches and gravy. The prison has power dampeners, so whatever fancy powers she has don’t mean squat. Then, a fraction of a second later, the electricity goes out. And so do the power dampeners.
She has the ability to hack up hairballs at the speed of three cats.
And her power is…
…being lucky.
(?)
Then some lightning hits the building and a wall falls on Ms. Threatening. The prison is full of people being electrocuted, and Black Cat just walks on out of there like a piece of rubber, ready to hit the town yet again.
She sees Spider-Man swinging in the distance. “There you are, Spider. Not a care in the world. Enjoy it while it lasts, ‘cause your luck is about to change. You took everything from me. Now you’re going to pay for it with your life. But only after I’m done playing with it.
Ooooh, scary! We’re done here.
”How My Stuff Works”
Joe Caramagna
Spider-Man’s back, baby! And better than ever! He claims he’s stronger than everyone! Then Hulk shows to contest the claim!
But Spider-Man can also walk on walls and ceilings! Hulk punches a hole in the ceiling!
But Spider-Man also has a Spidey-Sense that can warn him of impending danger! Hulk disappears from the comic for now.
Spider-Man can also shoot webs out of these cans that he made in high school. See? It can do three things: shoot webby lines to swing from, shoot webby nets to trap enemies, and shoot webby goo to stick to things. Cool, huh? And it holds even his most powerful enemies against a wall until the police show up. Now That’s a Sticky Mess™.
Well, now you know how his stuff works! Thanks for reading the comic!
”Homecoming, Sort of”
Peter David
A Spider-Man 2099 story, which is supposed to be alternate universe Spider-Man or maybe future Spider-Man? It doesn’t look very futuristic to me. The city looks like the dump it always is.
A news copter reports a backup on the highway due to police activity involving a stolen armored car. The perpetrator responsible is none other than SPIDER-MAN 2099, who lands on the windscreen of the copter. “EEEEEEEEK!” screams the newswoman flying the blasted thing.
Don’t leave me hanging, here. Was it Norm Macdonald? He’s dead!
Spider-Man 90210 leaps down to the street, thinking about living in this particular part of New York City decades from now. Funny stuff. Snore.
Just below him, Spider-Man 2001 sees a purse-snatching in progress. Three men torment the victim. The young woman has short, pink hair and she looks hot and she sprays mace in the black guy’s face, committing a hate crime. Beardy McPortland-Oregon with his purple designer sunglasses and his thousands of earrings and his unfashionable suspenders pulls out a gun. The woman is like “FUCKING DO IT, YOU NERD. YOU FUCKING PUSSY,” but then Spider-Man 1976 webs that gun with grace and ease. He kicks Mr. Gun in the face, then takes the other two guys out fist-style with a double “KRUNK”. Day is saved again! *Superman theme plays through a 14-year-old kid’s boombox*
The woman is less than grateful. Smacks Spider-Man 1999 in the face, she does! Calls him a “dumb cluck”! So like a fucking man to butt in when a woman doesn’t even ask for help!
Spider-Man 80085 is perplexed, wondering what the hell is wrong with this decade! Oh well, maybe we’ll find out in Spider-Man 2099, Issue #1! *grins*
”Kaine”
Chris Yost
Spider-Man (not from the year 2099) is beating up his evil clone Kaine, a beast who does not look anything like Peter Parker. For one thing, he’s got a luxurious mane of blond hair. For another thing, he’s blue.
Spider-Man isn’t sure what the purpose is of this clone. Is he here to kill him? Help him? Somewhere in between? God only knows! He’s a failed experiment anyway. Created by a bunch of dumbass scientists with Slurpee Machine Repair degrees.
Eventually, Kaine fucked off to Houston, Texas. He still torments people there to this day. Peter Parker visits a local Four Seasons Hotel where he learns that Kaine turned into a giant spider! Very ugly. Full of legs. Parker describes it as “The Other”: Some kind of mystical spider-creature, like the animal inside us. I’ve lost interest in this story already.
A man wearing dress pants that are fourteen feet too long for his legs asks Parker if Kaine is his brother. Parker is like “buh-whut?” Secret’s out! The man says that Kaine said that Parker is “really annoying”, which checks out.
Parker just wants to find his brother. He cares about him, and so on and so forth. “He was angry at himself,” the man says omnisciently. “For not being the man that you apparently are. But what he never saw… is that he was a hero.”
Whatever. This story sucks. Fuck Kaine.
The man’s name is Meland, which is a dumb kinda name for a dumb kinda guy, and he continues to tell Parker that Kaine saved his life about a jillion times.
As we all do. Just can’t help it sometimes.
Kaine was a savior. Like the Spider-Man of Houston, if you will.
So Peter Parker takes in all this information and then smiles like a dork on his flight back home. “…turns out that Kaine is every bit the hero that I am. Wherever he is… I hope my brother has found peace.”
*jerkoff motion*
”Learning to Crawl: Amazing Reality”
Dan Slott
“I’m a smart guy. Star mathlete. Chess champion. Spelling bee champion. It’s not so hard.” Some loser talks about being an insufferable geek to the reader (me). This kid is named Clayton Cole, and he’s a homeschooled little prick who thinks he’s going to be the first billionaire rockstar. Go talk to Taylor Swift, buddy.
His mother has set aside some free time for Clayton tomorrow, which he is going to spend at the wrestling ring. His friendless ass messages his online buddies to ask if they want to see the show, and they’re all like “I’m afraid not, you fucking piece of shit.”
So Clayton goes alone, and he’s having what you would call “a blast”. Crusher Hogan (Hulk’s twin brother) is destroying the competition, asking if anyone in the audience wants to take him on for $1000. A kid who couldn’t weigh any more than 85 pounds is like “I’ll take you on, sir.” And then he does. Handily. The big, beefy Hogan doesn’t know what hits him. Clayton captures all the action on his iPhone 4S.
Clayton follows the mystery kid through the exit, taping the action as the manager forks over the dough. Later, Clayton uploads his footage to the World Wide Web Dot Com and pumps his fist in the air at all the views he’s getting. 3 million and counting! He sees a comment that advertises “Spider-Man’s” TV spectacular at the Ed Sullivan Theater. Clayton is there! He is so there, man! Shit’s phat.
Go find a cop, cop lover. Nice headphones, cop lover.
Clayton stands in line, bugging people around him with effusive “look at me, I made him famous” stuff. He sees a man break into the building, but decides to stay in line because he’s an asshole.
The three-piece suited announcer smiles and introduces the Sensational, the Spectacular, the Amazing Spider-Man! Wooo! Yaaayy!! Moooo!!
“Then I saw it. The moment that changed my life. The first time he was in costume. The first time anyone ever saw him shoot a web… and swing from it! So many Spidey firsts! And I was there!” Clayton is such a starfucker.
About thirty seconds later, Spider-Man declares the show to be over. But then it’s not over, and he beats up two oily wrestlers at once! He quips and rumbles, he snips and stumbles! What an act! Oh boy!
The audience cheers! “Spidey! Spidey! Spidey! Spidey!” The women swoon and fawn! Clayton asks for an autograph! Maybe someday he can be just like Spider-Man! And Spider-Man says… he says… “Only if you’re lucky.”
Whatever! Still great! Best day ever! Clayton walks away smiling and putting on his headphones while police chase down the thief that broke into the building seven hours ago.
Clayton goes home, and after a bout of furious masturbation, decides to make himself a costume and a mask…
Final Thoughts
Well, that’s way more Spider-Man than I can even handle! I’ve got Spider-Man coming out of every orifice now. I gotta go flush that shit out. See you later, Spideyphiles.
Omni-Man McDad is outside in the driveway talking to a mysterious figure in a trench coat and hat. “I just can’t believe they’re all… dead,” Nolan says like a filthy liar that he and everyone and humanity in general is.
Click here to ridicule this post!