Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #575 – “Chapter One: Fear the Reaper”!
This is the first installment of the four-part Batman: Year Two storyline. A spiritual sequel to the fantastic Batman: Year One storyline. Will it live up to the expectations set forth by its predecessor? Probably not. But we can still have a chuckle or two! Onward!
Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #575 [June, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter One: Fear the Reaper”
Newly appointed Commissioner James Gordon is on some shitty Gotham public access show that four people watch. The host wastes no time getting to the rare, scrumptious meat of the interview: what’s with you and Batman, sir? Are you two lovers???
“Many feel the Batman is no better than the costumed law-breaker who stalked Gotham’s streets twenty years ago, calling himself ‘The Reaper’,” says the host who looks like she’s wearing a giant orange on her head. Gordon tries to defend himself and the Batman, but he can’t get a word in edgewise! He works with the police! Not against the police! Why isn’t anyone listening?!?! RRRAAWWWRRR!!
While Gordon has his interview, a group of thugs attempt a little home invasion. No crime is too small for the Batman, though! He pops in to say hi. He takes one of thugs’ flashlight and whips them all with it. Just bludgeoning them within an inch of their lives. Thatta boy.
Then the thugs get out their shooty guns, but Batman can’t be thwarted by such weaponry! BANG BANG! WHUD! THUNKT! WHAK! Now that the lot of them are out of commission, Batman can go return the Bat-Signal’s call that has been in the sky for 45 minutes as a demonstration for the TV. Keep the craft services table open, the winged one is a’comin’!
Elsewhere, in some ritzy-looking house in the city, a man with Larry David hair returns home. A young woman named Rachel hugs her returning father. “You’ve grown so,” the man says, talking like a Shakespearean character. It’s going to be the most important day of Rachel’s life (her colonoscopy). Too bad her mom’s dead. She wouldn’t have wanted to miss the show!
The pile of Playboy magazines have been rifled through, however. And your open jar of mustard attracted a bunch of diseased rats! Other than that, though…
Rachel leaves for a dinner date with Dr. Leslie Thompkins. Why this is important, I don’t give a fuck. Just so long as Mr. Caspian (the name of the man, you see) makes himself at home. And he does. And it’s good.
Meanwhile, construction workers are building yet another useless skyscraper for Wayne Industries. Bruce Wayne wants the workers to bust their fucking asses to ERECT this building ahead of schedule. If that means eating dirt and wearing diapers, so be it.
Leslie and Rachel’s “dinner date” involves Mr. Wayne, who glances at the two as if he’s planning on fucking both of them at the same time. The penthouse will be built soon, and it’s going to be Dr. Leslie’s even though she doesn’t want it. a) It’s in a shitty part of town. b) It’s in a shitty building. c) Bruce Wayne smells like armpits, ketchup, and a butt.
A disgruntled Leslie introduces Bruce to Rachel, who gets a kiss on the hand and a penis in the vagina (later). You see, Rachel does a lot of charity work and she wants to get involved with Bruce and his various endeavors. Over dinner, Bruce asks why she does what she does. “Too much time on your hands, or a guilty conscience?” he suggests with a wide-ass smile. It’s neither, sir, but thanks for being an asshole about it. No, it’s because there’s too much evil in the world and she wants to do her part to make it just a little bit nicer.
It’s clear that Bruce and Rachel are flirting. Leslie looks grumpy in every single panel, probably because she’s 107 years old and is definitely not getting any tonight.
That ketchup and butt smell is really off-putting, if you must know…
After dinner, Bruce attempts to court the young woman, but she’s not for sale. “I’m joing the Order of the Sisters of Mercy – I’m going to become a nun.” And then we all hear the sound effects of Bruce’s three-inch penis shriveling up.
I guess she’s going to be putting off her colonoscopy for a while.
Mr. Caspian walks around the city at night and gets a nice view of all the various delinquent crimes that are going on. Trash burning. Hubcap stealing. Prostitution and debauchery. Loitering. Pulling the tag off of mattresses. He then returns to the house where he pulls on a secret sconce lever, which opens a secret closet containing a weird cloak with a skull in it. Mr. Caspian puts his dukes up like he’s going to fight the skull. I find that very amusing.
ANYWAY, a group of thugs start mugging and gangraping a lady until Caspian, clad in this skull cloak, is like “NOT SO FAST! FEAR THE REAPER!” then he swings his scythe, lopping off one dude’s head. Then he hacks up a couple more. Two start to run, but he’s got a secret mace with a secret gun attached and he shoots them! All that’s left is the mugged, gangraped lady, and she gets to send the message. “You have naught to fear. Tell the world that the Reaper has returned…”
Hunky-dory! If there’s one thing I didn’t like about Gotham City in the last few years it was the disappointing lack of reapers.
Later, Bruce Wayne shares tea with Leslie Thompkins. He can’t even ask a simple question like “how long have you known Rachel?” without her getting all snippy-snappy. So be it. The Bat-Signal shines in the sky, and Alfred tells him he must get going. So, right in front of Leslie, he walks behind his secret grandfather clock door. You know, everyone’s got one of those. Onward to the cave!
…he’s got a bigger porn collection down there than Kim Jong Un.
Batman slips on his tights and visits Gordon at the site of the Bat-Signal (Dairy Queen). There have been mutterings about a new vigilante on the streets fancying himself as “The Reaper”. He apparently reaps. It’s very bad. Hey, wait a minute! That’s the guy who prowled the streets twenty years ago! Could it be… could it be one and the same???
Gordon is skeptical, but Batman is pretty sure of it. I mean, he did show up on the same street he always used to show up at! This also means he might show up at his other haunt: “Sutter Lane. Two decades ago, this was an elegant row of shops… but today, it caters to a somewhat different clientele.” Meaning the street is choked with sex workers, of course.
The Reaper is dressed like a pimp. It’s not a very good disguise since he left his fucking skull on. He’s like “I’m gonna kill these prostitutes!” before Batman leaps on him and does some rasslin’. Batman punches three times before he realizes that he’s outmatched!
lmao leather abs
So the dude has leather armor. Big fuckin’ whoop! *kick* *crash* *sob*
The Reaper is actually completely unphased! He socks Batman in the mug with his spiky leather glove. Batman’s jaw moves in six different directions as he’s like “wow, incredible technique.”
After a few more punches to the face, Batman is down for the count. “Are you beginning to fear – The Reaper?” this dude says dramatically as he whips out his twin scythes! He hacks through Batman’s cape! He slices and dices! He chops and shreds! Batman grabs a smokebomb from his utility belt (fanny pack) and attempts to slow the ruthless foe down! But, he will not be deterred from such parlor tricks!
The Reaper slashes a big “X” across Batman’s chest. Like a less-Mexican Zorro affair. Then the Reaper gets his mace guns out and starts firing point blank. A couple of bullets go right through Batman’s sides! Then he lifts a manhole cover and swan dives into his favorite place in the world – the stinky sewer.
It’s not much later that Alfred discovers his buddy rolling around the kitchen.
Sir! I told you, dinner’s not for another hour!
Bruce Wayne regains consciousnesses about 45 years later with the help of Dr. Leslie Thompkins. He starts jabbering right away about not being good enough to stop the Reaper. Leslie is like “shut the fuck up and sit down or you’ll start bleeding again!” Bruce Wayne will never shut the fuck up.
Time for the big guns! And by that, I mean the little gun. Bruce picks up the murder weapon that killed his parents, because he just happens to have that lying around the house for some reason. He raises it up triumpantly while Alfred and Leslie look very, and this is a gross understatement, concerned.
Final Thoughts
Pretty good so far! I like the part where the old man comes back to town to be a jerk, and then Batman uses the gun that killed his parents (that he has in his possession for some reason) to shoot himself in the temple. I liked that he bled all over the floor and Alfred slipped on the blood and then Alfred pooped his pants. I liked that.
Mark lies prone on the floor doing his homework for classes like AP Physics and Jacking Off 101 (which he’s getting an A+ in, by the way). His 2003 landline wireless phone rings, and it’s Dad. He needs to speak to Mark quickly! It’s matter of life and death! And he doesn’t have time to repeat anything he’s going to say, so cork it and let the old man speak.
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