Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #6! In the previous installment, Grant’s kids get “kidnapped” by an older version of Grant who wants to keep them away from the “dangerous” younger version of Grant. Old Grant is with Sara, and they both claim that in every timeline the kids get killed. Young Grant is like “No way, Jose” and takes his kids back. Old Grant and Not-Sara shake their fists and say “Errrgghh, I’ll get you next time!”

They also say that Kadir is the saboteur of the Pillar in every timeline. So Grant confronts the fucker, who says that it’s actually Rebecca who is the saboteur. This makes Grant so mad that he tackles Kadir into an inactive volcano filled with Planet of the Apes-type monkeys.

We’re at the end of this particular part of the story! And let me tell you, it sure is a comic.

Black Science, Issue #6 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“Rebecca will fix the Pillar. Shawn will watch over the kids. Get them home safe to Sara,” Grant thinks as he and Kadir plummet down into the volcano. They crash through a glass domed ceiling and into some water, effectively saving both their lives. Grant breathes a sigh of relief. Another chance to set things right for the future…

Five minutes until the Pillar makes its next jump, so these two motherfucks don’t have much time to crawl their asses back up. Chandra starts walking down some manmade volcano steps with the intention of saving Kadir. Pia does the same with the intention of saving Grant.

Meanwhile, Grant keeps kicking Kadir’s face while underwater; trying to drown the bastard in “an alien pool of shit”. The apes scream “ARGHOOO!” as Grant hoists himself out of the water. He looks around and sees dozens of baby apes crying in bassinets. Fuck, he landed in some sort of nursery. That’s gonna piss everyone off.

So Grant leaves Kadir flailing in the water and runs up the steps and away from the apes. Let Kadir deal with the apes if he’s still alive! The Volcano Monkeys give chase and Grant kicks and punches their faces. Grant hears the gasps and pants of Kadir, who has risen to the surface. The immediate threat to the children! The apes turn around, descend the stairs and, I assume, rip Kadir’s stupid throat out. Fuck that guy.

Up atop the rim of the volcano, Rebecca has been holding Pia back from running after her dad. Pia is like “LET GO OF ME, YOU HARPY CUNT”, obviously not very pleased that Kadir revealed her father’s infidelity in front of her. Pia’s about to crack Rebecca in the face when Shawn stops her.

His ass-kisser, his floozy, his shoeshine boy, his bootlicker, his panty sniffer, and his proctologist.

“If Chandra wants to go, running headlong into it, that’s her choice. But you and Nate are our responsibility.”

Pia fucking hates this guy. She’s going and she doesn’t care. No one can stop her…

…except her little brother, who just fired a gun into the air. “Nobody’s going anywhere,” he says menacingly. Looks like we have a new leader! Take the lead, Mr. President!

As Kadir fends off apes, he thinks about the stupid Pillar and how the stupid Pillar got everyone into this mess. Fuck that pillar!

Kadir cuts down a plant that makes all the monkeys shriek. Some sort of strange light emanates from it, almost taking the form of a creature with, like, eyeballs and shit. Kadir starts whipping a staff that the ethereal form, yelling for it to get back. Is it a ghost? A spirit of sorts? A genie? Giygas from Earthbound? Sentient gas life. The infant apes suck up the mist through their mouths and their eyes start glowing bright red-orange. The adult apes, too, have similar eyes. As if in a trance, the adults start picking up the infants, completely unaware now of Kadir. He takes advantage of the distraction and runs out of the volcano. Like a dog.

Kadir should have never let this Pillar project happen. He knew the blasted thing was evil. “Interdimensional travel can only end in catastrophe. Chaos points in all directions. Order points in only one.”

Grant has now caught up with Kadir on the steps and fighting continues. They stop fighting for a moment to marvel at some more ape technology they see before their beady little eyes. An Ape does a double take, as if he recognizes Grant. “Rotom arel, Gra’net?”

Kadir walks away and snaps a tripwire. A large device tumbles to the floor and breaks. Grant suspects it was another Pillar. An alternate dimension Pillar. “Another way home – destroyed by Kadir.”

Kadir, you scamp! Always after the almighty dollar!

Kadir stops and turns around suddenly. “I’m done running, Grant. We’re heading back to the others – now.” Grant’s like “you’re done giving orders, bitchcakes.” Kadir’s like “your Pillar sucks.”

And Grant’s like “then why did you hire us all to build the Pillar then, asshole?”

And Kadir’s like “you were supposed to fail, numbnuts.” And he’s going to find the evil, shitty Pillar and jump with the rest of the group. “So you’ve got a decision to make,” he tells Grant. “You can come with, or get the hell out of my way.”

Then Kadir makes a less intimidating face, because an ape snuck up behind Grant and is starting to pull out a large spiked mace-like object. Fighting happens, a large metal object falls on Grant and pins him to the floor. The ape has been defeated, and Kadir stands while Grant moans and groans and begs for him to get him out from under the thing.

Meanwhile, Chandra investigates an empty area of the volcano and calls out for Kadir and Grant. Her voice reverberates… the echoes are eerie… THEN ONE OF THOSE GHOST-LIKE SPIRITS SNEAKS UP ON HER. EEK.

Kadir’s too weak and scrawny to move the object. Grant thinks his spine has been crushed to smithereens. Grant tells Kadir to go without him, but Kadir looks shaken. “I’m not going to leave you down here to die like this! I know you think I’m some kind of monster, but–”

Oh, he is a monster all right. The kind of monster who prides himself on preservation. So get the fuck out of here and take the kids with you, so help him God he will haunt your rectum. “Every shitty thing you ever did, you found some crafty rationalization… but you don’t get to rationalize this. You caused this. You’ll get my kids home. For once in your life do the right thing. Promise me.”

Kadir gives Grant his word.

Meanwhile, there’s nothing to see here! Everything’s cool!

Kadir leaves Grant and bumps into Chandra, who now has red-orange eyes and is saying things like “ren’olrd eim”. Then she says, tiredly, that she was looking for him and Grant. Kadir lifts her up and they hobble up the volcano. “Let’s go. Grant’s not coming.”

Grant moans and monologues like a real sad-sack under the metal object (which is a Pillar, as it turns out). He has no photo of his family. He never considered Sara once in their whole marriage. Focused too much on his work. Fucked Rebecca. Became everything he hated. And it takes dying to realize all of this. How very fucking convenient.

While Kadir fights another ape, another spirit tries to infiltrate Chandra’s body. “This host is claimed,” a voice says from within her. “I will dance within another,” responds the free spirit.

12 seconds until Pillar Jump Time.

Kadir and Chandra book it.

Grant’s gonna miss his kids.

The shaman, who is still with the group, stands up and fires a giant blast out of an arm cannon. Birds fly out within the light toward the charging apes. It works. The group, sans Grant, are all accounted for at the Pillar.

“A billion realities out there… has to be one, Sara. One where I didn’t fuck it all up… Somewhere out there… One perfect world… where we can be happy…”

Nate screams “WHERE’S MY DAD?!” just as the Pillar’s bright light starts engulfing the group.

Kadir gets down on his knee. “He’s not coming.”

Final Thoughts

Grant’s a shitty character anyway. Good riddance.

I’m not sure if I like this comic yet. There needs to be a plot goal. What’s the plot goal? Getting home? That’s a lazy plot goal! Why can’t it be something like “save the vagina from the penis”? Now there’s a plot goal!

What a stupid final thought. Sorry everyone.

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #5! In the previous installment, the crew jumps away from a scary German/Native American warzone into a much more palatable, like, hotel with 50 different kinds of friendly alien species! The important thing is that Grant has been healed and he can probably start fucking Rebecca again. We the audience were very invested in that, I assure you.

And just when you think things are going well and the scientists are going to work on fixing Pillar, some other dude zaps into the picture with the intention to sabotage the Pillar further! What is going on?! Why all the sabotage?! Are we keeping Grant from accidentally kissing Hitler? We need to know what’s at stake here!

I need to know, at least. I don’t like not knowing things.

Black Science, Issue #5 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“I met Grant McKay in college. He was a legend. The Great Boy Genius, talk of the campus. I hated him from the second we met.”

Kadir reminisces about the good ol’ college years. Fuckin’ sorority girls. Fuckin’ fraternity boys. A lot of fuckin’ all around. “I remember the first thing he said to me. I was talking to the son of a CEO of a large research firm. McKay walked over, sneering down his pierced nose said ‘Ambition and politicking will get your further than talent… but everyone’ll see how you got there.’”

This still haunts Kadir to this very day, that some punk-ass bitch would say that to someone he doesn’t even know. “Unbearable. Completely up his own ass. So why do they all love him so much? Why would Ward die for him?”

Chandra is there with him. “He tells them what they want to hear. People love liars.”

Kadir sits on that for a minute. “If that’s true… why do they hate us?”

*Family Matters theme music plays in the far distance*

THE NEXT MORNING, GRANT SURPRISES HIS KIDS WITH HIS NOT-DEADINESS. Pia and Nate spring out of bed to give dear old talent-over-politicking dad a fat hug. Thanks to Shawn and Ward, Dad is saved!

Oh… *sob* Ward…

NOW THAT WE’RE SAD AGAIN, IT’S FLASHBACK TIME. Jen (who died) designs a logo for their space suits (an onion). It’s the same design of offset concentric circles you can see on the front cover of your favorite Black Science comic book! Grant and Ward love the design. The end.

I’m not lying! Would a liar say this?: “God is real.”

Grant stifles a cry and declares that the time for grieving is later! For now, they all must get home safely. The next Pillar jump is in 20 minutes, but it’s not 100% working yet, so they’ll probably end up on Boonar Furtz the Lava Planet or in Jersey City or somewhere else equally awful.

Nate starts crying. He doesn’t want to leave where they are at now. It seems safe and all the aliens are cool and squishy. Can’t Dad just build a new Pillar out of sand and gum and God’s tears?

Grant smiles. “It took us a decade to complete the Pillar. Can’t leave your mother waiting for ten years for us to come home. She’d have my head.” Hyuuk hyuuk hyuuk. Grant is banking on teleporting somewhere with the technology available to fix the Pillar, which is a long fucking shot entirely. I think that kind of optimism sucks ass, personally. Shawn is terrible at faking it. “Your father’s right, guys – we have to stay with the Pillar until we can fix it to get home.”

The smug smile on Grant’s face is punchable, but it’s nice to try and lie for the kids’ sake. I’d be bad at it, personally. I’d be like “shit’s fucked, kiddos.”

Anyway, Grant and Shawn try to collect necessities and toiletries for the next ride to Wherever’s-Ville. Suddenly, some bitch in a Transformers uniform (the same bitch at the end of Issue #4) zaps Shawn into blissful unconsciousness. The kids freak out, but the intruder says he’s okay. Everything’s okay. It’s cool, man. Chill, man. Everything’s reeeaal cool.

Hey, you don’t look like Santa Claus!

The kids try to run away, but our newest assailant tries to stop them and assure them that things are fun. “I’m going to get you back to your mother,” he says, which is then responded to with a resounding “Fuck you!” by Pia. She knocks the staff out of his hand and sends it crashing out the window, which lands right next to Grant and Rebecca on the ground. “Daddy — Help!” yells Pia from the second-floor window, but the mysterious robot-suited individual is like “I’m trying to help you, dagnabbit!”

Actually, he says “That man and his shoddy Pillar – he’s doomed you all! DOOMED ALL OF REALITY!” And here I sit thinking that that’s rather fucking dramatic. Reality is already doomed! Grant didn’t add to the doom! He merely, you know, pushed the doom around and such.

Then he shoots a bunch of aliens with a zap gun who were riding around in a giant vehicle shaped like a bug. Because none of it is real anyway! Or something! Now kids, get in the Bug Van. Move it!

Grant is not having this shit. He runs up to the mysterious man and punches his fucking lights out, knocking off his helmet. The dude picks himself up.

“You’ve been through a lot. I understand. Can’t blame a guy for fighting to protect his kids.”

IT FINALLY GETS INTERESTING. The mysterious man is none other than Grant! Older Grant, of course. Older and wiser, certainly, with a criss-cross of scars on his craggy face. His hair is gray. He’s also stubbly, like some sort of action hero badass instead of the nerd that he is.

So Old Grant fires upon Young Grant in order to continue protecting the kids, claiming that Young Grant will kill them in a week if they stay with him. He squirrels them away in the Bug Van and they ride off, leaving Young Grant in the dust.

MAYBE IF I SCREAM LOUDER WE’LL BE SAVED FASTER!

Old Grant is going to rescue the kids. He’s going to bring them home. He’s going to stop at nothing. And once it’s done, no one will ever speak of this unpleasantness ever again. He reports that he picked up the kids and saw the rest of the Anarchist League, including Young Rebecca. This must be important for later. Perhaps Old Rebecca is Dead Rebecca??

Old Grant’s team tries to get a lock on him. Pia grabs a wrench and smacks him right in the kisser, which breaks his concentration long enough to plow into a merchant stand or something? It’s unclear. Meanwhile, Young Grant stole a bug horse and is now trailing his future self, trying to find them in the marketplace. He has some rather self-deprecating internal monologue, stuff like “I’m a shit father” and “fuck me”.

Meanwhile, Old Grant has a kid in each hand and they’re all running up the street while Pia screams for help. Old Grant punches a bird alien that gets in his way.

“You… you killed him…” gasps Pia.

“He’s not real,” claims Old Grant. Sure, Pops, nothing’s real. Not even love. Or overpopulation.

But she’s real.

And who is she exactly?

“Mom?” says Nate. And there, in the flesh, is Sara. Hidden in some sort of hut. She gets on her knees and braces for hugs.

“I’ve been trying to tell you, we’re here to save you, Pia,” Old Grant smiles with that punchable face. “We’re your real parents.”

Nate suddenly gets skeptical. “You’re not my mom…” he says in a quiet voice. Young Grant pops in the hut to confirm this while training a gun on Old Grant.

Listen, how about we each take one? I call dibs on the snot-nosed little boy.

Old Grant and Not-Sara tell Young Grant to let them go. They’ll be safer without you. You suck and whatnot. “You don’t deserve them…” says Not-Sara.

“I also created the Pillar,” says Old Grant. “It was also sabotaged. Only instead of jumping, as yours did, mine exploded…”

“…it killed my babies,” Not-Sara cries. “My Pia. My Nathan.”

Blah blah blah the Pillar is dangerous. The entire Everyverse is in danger every time the thing jumps. Ripping holes in the fabrics and all that. “We follow through the cracks left in others’ wakes. The damage to the walls has already been done. We stop ignorant fools–” Old Grant points an accusing finger “–like you from decimating reality!”

Here’s the long and short of it: Every Grant McKay gets his kids killed. It happens with every Grant McKay that Old Grant has ever bumped into. And there have been a lot of Grant McKays out there. So, hand over the children and they’ll be safe!

Young Grant blasts the ground at their feet. “Fuck off out of here or I’ll kill you.”

Old Grant and Not-Sara give up. For now. They’ll be back, trust them. But first, a word of advice: “Kadir was the saboteur. Kadir is always the saboteur. Kill him before he can further endanger our children.”

Well ain’t that a twist! By now, the rest of the Anarchist League are in the marketplace looking for Grant and the kids. But, since Grant and the kids have finished their business, they emerge from the hut.

“What the hell is going on?” Kadir asks, dumbfounded. “What happened?”

Grant cold-cocks the motherfucker. “You happened.”

Then the Pillar jumps. Now they’re on the rim of a cold, inactive volcano. Grant pulls a gun on Kadir, much to the rest of the team’s dismay. “He killed Ward. He killed Jen. Got us all stranded in the God Damned mess!”

Kadir feigns ignorance, but Grant presses the issue! “Why did you sabotage the Pillar?!”

Kadir slaps the gun out of Grant’s hand and claims that it was Rebecca who sabotaged the Pillar, not him. “And if you hadn’t spent the last eight years fucking her, maybe you wouldn’t be so blind!”

Now you’ve gone and done it. Grant is filled with so much rage that he tackles Kadir down into the volcano.

…which appears to actually be an engineered structure filled with intelligent apes.

Final Thoughts

Weird comic! This particular issue didn’t have any illustrated barely-clothed ladies, so let’s work on that next time please.