Mark Normand

JUMP TO:
(2014) Still Got It!
(2017) Don’t Be Yourself
(2020) Out to Lunch
(2023) Soup to Nuts

Still Got It! (2014)
Rating: Good

Mark Normand reminds me a little bit of John Mulaney. He has that sort of effortless cadence that makes stand-up seem easy. But stand-up is not easy, friends. Standing up? It’s right there in the name. You don’t get to sit. Unless you’re lazy like Marc Maron. Anyway, while Mulaney will talk about Law & Order or horses in hospitals, Normand sticks with the tried and true topics: politics, religion, sexuality, men and women in general. How much more can we really tap out of these topics in 2014? Well, per Mark, quite a bit.

Mark endears you to him right away by how Madison, Wisconsin is full of white people! Just how he likes it! But we’re not here to be entirely subversive, because Mark’s comedy isn’t necessarily vulgar for the sake of vulgarity. Just when it makes sense, you know. He starts out with some really good jokes about how his sober-for-30-years uncle once lost a phone when drunk (“You have to be pretty hammered to lose a landline“) and how Google is blabbing to Facebook ads about his recent searches. There are some trite jokes about the craaazy people in New York City, but that doesn’t last long, and it’s the only derivative portion of his set. All of his other takes on old standbys come from a unique perspective.

Sexuality? A man that Mark had met once would never shake a man’s hand because of how many dicks that he must have touched. Well, Mark tells him “You shook my hand, you don’t mind my dick? And do you know what other large part of population has touched a lot of dicks? Girls.”

Racism? A man that Mark had met once tells him that he doesn’t see color. So Mark leans up close to him and says “Thank you for being honest like that, sir. I’m black.”

Religion? If people in the bible had more modern names, no one would take any of it seriously. “‘Drink the blood of Trevor!’ Hmm, uh-uh. Gross. ‘What Would Trevor Do?’ Yeah, uh, good question, I dunno. Beer pong, maybe?”

Men? When asked if he’s gay now that he’s dating a hypothetical manly man, Mark counters with “Gay? Have you met Jeff? He’s taking me out for lobster tonight! He’s everything I want in a man, but let me tell you, the sex is brutal…”

Women? When asked what the difference between “mad” and “not mad” is, Mark confirms that “not mad” is just “mad with 20 questions”. And although some of his material on women leans toward unoriginal and stereotypical, Mark’s earnest friendliness and lack of any real misogyny gives him a pass in my book. Not like that Louis C.K. guy. He HATES women!

So yes, an overall “Good“. I’m looking forward to hearing how Mark’s material progresses with his next specials, but it’s a tremendous first effort!

Don’t Be Yourself (2017)
Rating: Very Good

During the intro cold open, Amy Schumer gives Mark a pep talk before he walks on stage: he’s underwhelming, painfully mediocre, average in every way, white and boring, and all the jokes he’s about to tell are going to suck. Most of that is correct, except for the part where all the jokes are going to suck. But, yes, the rest is correct.

Don’t Be Yourself is a clear improvement over the great first effort Still Got It! Mark smoothly flows through jokes in rapid fire. You don’t have time to take a breather or you’re going to miss something. Somewhat vulgar and borderline offensive without swearing. He covers a lot of the same topics as he covered in Still Got It!: racism, sexuality, manliness, feminism, religion, and political correctness. A veritable laundry list of cringe, right? But Mark is deft. He knows how to maneuver around these landmines with grace, and he knows he’s charming enough to pull off jokes about the hypocrisy of double standard racism or misogyny (“I’m a feminist, but my ex was… annoying). He has a large chunk on atheism without alienating his audience with preachiness or arrogance (breast implants are like the Bible: what’s on the outside is real, but it’s what’s inside is fake as shit). And, best of all, it’s all very funny!

The biggest improvement over Still Got It! is the vulnerability. Mark spends a good portion of the beginning of his set talking about himself. There’s clearly more material that’s personal and introspective, but whether it’s true or not is hard to tell. I guess you never know, but he talks about his high-functioning alcoholism (you call in sick when you have a headache, Mark shows up hungover, ready to work, and hiding a horrible secret every day), his introversion (he would never go to a party, but he would kill himself if he wasn’t invited to it), and his anxiety about flying (trains are better, it’s like they’ve never heard of a terrorist before). He discusses the weirdness of online dating, how he is internalizing his penis shame (“My dick’s like an indie band, you gotta see it live!“), and how women don’t seem to ever want what he has to offer. It’s self-deprecating, but it’s not pathetic. He delivers the material with cool confidence, like he’s been doing standup for the last 40 years.

Other highlights include Mark’s discussion about homosexuality and how he was complimented by the hottest gay guy he had ever seen; how it was like winning one million pesos: “I can’t do anything with it now, but if I ever cross that line I’ll be SET!“. And, of course, a complaint that women made their gender roles offensive. A woman likes a strong silent type, but a man can’t say that he likes their women silent. And let’s not forget a little Carlin-ism for good measure! Kids acronyms are light-hearted: LOL, OMG, BRB. Adult acronyms are more grim and depressing: DUI, DMV, IRS, UTI, STD.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t fucking sleep on Mark Normand. He looks like the annoying, clingy kid in your college dorm, but he’s funnier than your best friend. No brainer.

Out to Lunch (2020)
Rating: Good

It’s just joke after joke after joke after joke with this guy, isn’t it? Just a spitfire of good, witty jokes. It’s like, hey man, save some jokes for the rest of us! Heh heh. It’s not always about jokes, man.

Mark Normand reminds me of a fast-talking, old-timey vaudeville act, like a modern day Groucho Marx. One-liners abound! When asked if he would like to visit a brewery because he likes beer, he says “I don’t need to see where the beer originated. I like porn, I don’t need to go to a broken home.” When presented with the notion that video games lead to school shootings, he incredulously says “I played Monopoly with my friends, none of them own property.” When asked if he cares that transgendered people are using his bathroom, he says “Hey, at least they’re not pooping in the sink.” When accused of being a racist after watching an interracial couple make out on a train, he says “I’m not racist, I’m a creep!” He tells the Wisconsin audience that fat jokes are hard to pull off there. He likes gay people because there are no gay gangs (“That would be a musical.”) He talks about bedwetting with the same energy and cadence as talking about sexually abusing dogs, as he does about pointing out that babies who kick in the womb will grow up to beat their wives, as he does about girls getting shafted on orgasms (so to speak). And these are just a small percentage of his joke output. My dude fits a 90-minute set into 60 minutes.

It’s clear by now, his third special, that Normand is a pure joke writer. He doesn’t tell stories, he doesn’t do bits, all he does is set things up and knock them down. Punchlines, punchlines, punchlines. And that’s a rarity in this day and age. It’s an antiquated structure of standup comedy, but Normand is a true natural. I’m amazed by the flow, the speed at which he traverses topics, the density of the jokes. I may not laugh out loud at all of them — maybe not even half of them — but the craft is admirable as shit. And he still keeps it fresh! Topics he has hit before — offensive words, racism, homophobia, women, sex, introversion, traveling — are all presented with a stash of completely new funny angles. He brings up leopard print underwear being quintessentially sexy even though it’s covered in brown and yellow spots. He points out that polar bears have evolved from brown fur to white fur because the police kept shooting at them. He makes a very poignant observation about that transgendered Caitlyn Jenner: “‘I love Caitlyn Jenner!’ Why? She sucks!” We can all get behind that one.

Normand skirts the line of offensiveness without actually being offensive. He has a smart counterpoint for every touchy subject, making him the Perfect White Cis Male Comedian. If there ever was a thing. Enjoy.

Soup to Nuts (2023)
Rating: Good

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KEVIN HART!“

“Nowadays, if your mom finds your weed she’ll be like ‘Sativa? What a pussy.'”

“Any gay guys here? All right, good to have ya, thanks for coming out.”

“Dicks are like kids: you like your own, but other ones are weird.”

“If I see a transgender person pissing in the shit room, I’ll go up to them and go ‘Hey, you better transition to a shit right now, buddy.'”

“I had sex with my wife today, or as she calls it ‘microdosing.'”

“Women and cars have nothing in common, except both of mine were stolen by a black guy.”

“I say queef it up, sister. It’s nice to hear that thing talking.”

“We got a swimsuit model with Downs syndrome. She’s very pretty. I’d go downs on her.”

“Ken is the most inclusive doll. He’ll fuck any Barbie. ‘Hey, who’s that, Wheelchair Barbie? Roll her over here, I’ll fuck her, let’s go!'”

“Even the names of board games are a bummer: Sorry, Trouble, Operation, and the worst one of all: Life.”

“Every cereal mascot looks like a crack addict.”

“It’s 2023 and we still give women shit for being promiscuous? Sluts are great!”

“Sex is the only thing that gets sadder when you go pro.”

“Bowling is like prostitution: holes are getting fingered in an alley.”

“Gas prices are higher than Hunter Biden.”

“Jews are acting like babies. I disagree, Jews are tough, they’re resilient. If you ask me, I think babies are acting like Jews.”

“A black guy says the n-word, it’s ok. If a white lady says the n-word… I get an erection.”

“I pitched this great idea for a sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists, but of course they shot down the pilot.”

“‘Clitz’ is the perfect name for a lesbian bar because no guy can find it.”

“Whether it’s gun violence or the WNBA, nobody’s watching the female shooters.”

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Black Science, Issue #5

* Part 5 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #5! In the previous installment, the crew jumps away from a scary German/Native American warzone into a much more palatable, like, hotel with 50 different kinds of friendly alien species! The important thing is that Grant has been healed and he can probably start fucking Rebecca again. We the audience were very invested in that, I assure you.

And just when you think things are going well and the scientists are going to work on fixing Pillar, some other dude zaps into the picture with the intention to sabotage the Pillar further! What is going on?! Why all the sabotage?! Are we keeping Grant from accidentally kissing Hitler? We need to know what’s at stake here!

I need to know, at least. I don’t like not knowing things.

Black Science, Issue #5 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“I met Grant McKay in college. He was a legend. The Great Boy Genius, talk of the campus. I hated him from the second we met.”

Kadir reminisces about the good ol’ college years. Fuckin’ sorority girls. Fuckin’ fraternity boys. A lot of fuckin’ all around. “I remember the first thing he said to me. I was talking to the son of a CEO of a large research firm. McKay walked over, sneering down his pierced nose said ‘Ambition and politicking will get your further than talent… but everyone’ll see how you got there.’”

This still haunts Kadir to this very day, that some punk-ass bitch would say that to someone he doesn’t even know. “Unbearable. Completely up his own ass. So why do they all love him so much? Why would Ward die for him?”

Chandra is there with him. “He tells them what they want to hear. People love liars.”

Kadir sits on that for a minute. “If that’s true… why do they hate us?”

*Family Matters theme music plays in the far distance*

THE NEXT MORNING, GRANT SURPRISES HIS KIDS WITH HIS NOT-DEADINESS. Pia and Nate spring out of bed to give dear old talent-over-politicking dad a fat hug. Thanks to Shawn and Ward, Dad is saved!

Oh… *sob* Ward…

NOW THAT WE’RE SAD AGAIN, IT’S FLASHBACK TIME. Jen (who died) designs a logo for their space suits (an onion). It’s the same design of offset concentric circles you can see on the front cover of your favorite Black Science comic book! Grant and Ward love the design. The end.

I’m not lying! Would a liar say this?: “God is real.”

Grant stifles a cry and declares that the time for grieving is later! For now, they all must get home safely. The next Pillar jump is in 20 minutes, but it’s not 100% working yet, so they’ll probably end up on Boonar Furtz the Lava Planet or in Jersey City or somewhere else equally awful.

Nate starts crying. He doesn’t want to leave where they are at now. It seems safe and all the aliens are cool and squishy. Can’t Dad just build a new Pillar out of sand and gum and God’s tears?

Grant smiles. “It took us a decade to complete the Pillar. Can’t leave your mother waiting for ten years for us to come home. She’d have my head.” Hyuuk hyuuk hyuuk. Grant is banking on teleporting somewhere with the technology available to fix the Pillar, which is a long fucking shot entirely. I think that kind of optimism sucks ass, personally. Shawn is terrible at faking it. “Your father’s right, guys – we have to stay with the Pillar until we can fix it to get home.”

The smug smile on Grant’s face is punchable, but it’s nice to try and lie for the kids’ sake. I’d be bad at it, personally. I’d be like “shit’s fucked, kiddos.”

Anyway, Grant and Shawn try to collect necessities and toiletries for the next ride to Wherever’s-Ville. Suddenly, some bitch in a Transformers uniform (the same bitch at the end of Issue #4) zaps Shawn into blissful unconsciousness. The kids freak out, but the intruder says he’s okay. Everything’s okay. It’s cool, man. Chill, man. Everything’s reeeaal cool.

Hey, you don’t look like Santa Claus!

The kids try to run away, but our newest assailant tries to stop them and assure them that things are fun. “I’m going to get you back to your mother,” he says, which is then responded to with a resounding “Fuck you!” by Pia. She knocks the staff out of his hand and sends it crashing out the window, which lands right next to Grant and Rebecca on the ground. “Daddy — Help!” yells Pia from the second-floor window, but the mysterious robot-suited individual is like “I’m trying to help you, dagnabbit!”

Actually, he says “That man and his shoddy Pillar – he’s doomed you all! DOOMED ALL OF REALITY!” And here I sit thinking that that’s rather fucking dramatic. Reality is already doomed! Grant didn’t add to the doom! He merely, you know, pushed the doom around and such.

Then he shoots a bunch of aliens with a zap gun who were riding around in a giant vehicle shaped like a bug. Because none of it is real anyway! Or something! Now kids, get in the Bug Van. Move it!

Grant is not having this shit. He runs up to the mysterious man and punches his fucking lights out, knocking off his helmet. The dude picks himself up.

“You’ve been through a lot. I understand. Can’t blame a guy for fighting to protect his kids.”

IT FINALLY GETS INTERESTING. The mysterious man is none other than Grant! Older Grant, of course. Older and wiser, certainly, with a criss-cross of scars on his craggy face. His hair is gray. He’s also stubbly, like some sort of action hero badass instead of the nerd that he is.

So Old Grant fires upon Young Grant in order to continue protecting the kids, claiming that Young Grant will kill them in a week if they stay with him. He squirrels them away in the Bug Van and they ride off, leaving Young Grant in the dust.

MAYBE IF I SCREAM LOUDER WE’LL BE SAVED FASTER!

Old Grant is going to rescue the kids. He’s going to bring them home. He’s going to stop at nothing. And once it’s done, no one will ever speak of this unpleasantness ever again. He reports that he picked up the kids and saw the rest of the Anarchist League, including Young Rebecca. This must be important for later. Perhaps Old Rebecca is Dead Rebecca??

Old Grant’s team tries to get a lock on him. Pia grabs a wrench and smacks him right in the kisser, which breaks his concentration long enough to plow into a merchant stand or something? It’s unclear. Meanwhile, Young Grant stole a bug horse and is now trailing his future self, trying to find them in the marketplace. He has some rather self-deprecating internal monologue, stuff like “I’m a shit father” and “fuck me”.

Meanwhile, Old Grant has a kid in each hand and they’re all running up the street while Pia screams for help. Old Grant punches a bird alien that gets in his way.

“You… you killed him…” gasps Pia.

“He’s not real,” claims Old Grant. Sure, Pops, nothing’s real. Not even love. Or overpopulation.

But she’s real.

And who is she exactly?

“Mom?” says Nate. And there, in the flesh, is Sara. Hidden in some sort of hut. She gets on her knees and braces for hugs.

“I’ve been trying to tell you, we’re here to save you, Pia,” Old Grant smiles with that punchable face. “We’re your real parents.”

Nate suddenly gets skeptical. “You’re not my mom…” he says in a quiet voice. Young Grant pops in the hut to confirm this while training a gun on Old Grant.

Listen, how about we each take one? I call dibs on the snot-nosed little boy.

Old Grant and Not-Sara tell Young Grant to let them go. They’ll be safer without you. You suck and whatnot. “You don’t deserve them…” says Not-Sara.

“I also created the Pillar,” says Old Grant. “It was also sabotaged. Only instead of jumping, as yours did, mine exploded…”

“…it killed my babies,” Not-Sara cries. “My Pia. My Nathan.”

Blah blah blah the Pillar is dangerous. The entire Everyverse is in danger every time the thing jumps. Ripping holes in the fabrics and all that. “We follow through the cracks left in others’ wakes. The damage to the walls has already been done. We stop ignorant fools–” Old Grant points an accusing finger “–like you from decimating reality!”

Here’s the long and short of it: Every Grant McKay gets his kids killed. It happens with every Grant McKay that Old Grant has ever bumped into. And there have been a lot of Grant McKays out there. So, hand over the children and they’ll be safe!

Young Grant blasts the ground at their feet. “Fuck off out of here or I’ll kill you.”

Old Grant and Not-Sara give up. For now. They’ll be back, trust them. But first, a word of advice: “Kadir was the saboteur. Kadir is always the saboteur. Kill him before he can further endanger our children.”

Well ain’t that a twist! By now, the rest of the Anarchist League are in the marketplace looking for Grant and the kids. But, since Grant and the kids have finished their business, they emerge from the hut.

“What the hell is going on?” Kadir asks, dumbfounded. “What happened?”

Grant cold-cocks the motherfucker. “You happened.”

Then the Pillar jumps. Now they’re on the rim of a cold, inactive volcano. Grant pulls a gun on Kadir, much to the rest of the team’s dismay. “He killed Ward. He killed Jen. Got us all stranded in the God Damned mess!”

Kadir feigns ignorance, but Grant presses the issue! “Why did you sabotage the Pillar?!”

Kadir slaps the gun out of Grant’s hand and claims that it was Rebecca who sabotaged the Pillar, not him. “And if you hadn’t spent the last eight years fucking her, maybe you wouldn’t be so blind!”

Now you’ve gone and done it. Grant is filled with so much rage that he tackles Kadir down into the volcano.

…which appears to actually be an engineered structure filled with intelligent apes.

Final Thoughts

Weird comic! This particular issue didn’t have any illustrated barely-clothed ladies, so let’s work on that next time please.

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Opeth

BACKGROUND

Opeth is a death metal / progressive metal / progressive rock band formed in Stockholm in 1990 by David Isberg, who left the band before they even put out an album. Mikael Åkerfeldt is the lead vocalist, and since there has been a constant rotating chair of Opeth members, he’s really the only one you need to know. He looks kind of like Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, which leans toward a compliment.

Figure 1: Nickelback Jr.

SAMPLE IDENTIFICATION

Studio Album #5 – Blackwater Park (2001)
Studio Album #7 – Damnation (2003)

METALLURGICAL EVALUATION

Blackwater Park (2001)

Ask any hardcore Opeth fan what their favorite album is, and the highest percentage will likely go to Blackwater Park with Still Life and Damnation vying for second place. While their third album, My Arms, Your Hearse, represents the transition point between the early sophomoric rawness and the later refined sophistication. Blackwater Park, as far as I’m concerned, is the peak of this refined sophistication. This is the quintessential Opeth album.

At 67 minutes, this is quite a hefty record to digest. There are so many damn moods flowing through this thing that it seems impossible to be so cohesive. Aggression turns to melancholy turns to acoustic beauty turns to proggy breakdowns, and it all fits snugly like a WELL-OILED JIGSAW PUZZLE, to mix my metaphors in an inadequate manner! The transitions are seamless. The overall color of the album maintains a dingy gray throughout, bringing to mind a dreary, rainy day. No, scratch that. A dreary, rainy existence. Death metal is presented as a complete subversion, eschewing speedy riffs in favor of intricate, mid-tempo virtuosity.

With an album like Blackwater Park, you can tell that Åkerfeldt is a perfectionist. He labored over this thing, making sure that not a moment was wasted. Every pluck of the guitar in the short instrumental “Patterns in the Ivy”, and every phrase repetition at the end of the title track, and every atmospheric passage of “Dirge for November”, and everything else, it’s all crafted with care. That’s why Blackwater can be considered one of the very best progressive metal albums of all time. And that’s why you should listen to it, especially if you’re a huge Taylor Swift fan. This album will put hair on your chest!

Damnation (2003)

Damnation was my introduction to Opeth, and arguably the single best introduction to Opeth if you’re not coming into the band as a well-seasoned fan of harsh vocals. Damnation has none of that. Track after track of clean vocals — the only album to do so until the band’s prog rock overhaul that started with Heritage — makes this the next logical step after you’ve exhausted the Porcupine Tree discography. Most people would agree that this album is very similar in tone to any of the best Porcupine Tree albums… especially since Steven Wilson was heavily, heavily involved in its production. And he even plays keyboards and provides backing vocals on most of the tracks.

What makes Damnation stand out from nearly every other prog rock album is the moodiness. Not even early King Crimson captures the sense of desolate, pensive sadness that Opeth produces here so effortlessly with folksy, clean guitars and Mellotron. The melancholy “Windowpane” opens the album splendidly with seven minutes of depressive rock — rain rolling down your window pane, complete with a couple of somber guitar solos.

While this was a fantastic transition point to heavy music in the prog-sphere, I don’t spin Damnation all too often anymore. Its slow, clean guitar-focused Pink Floyd psychedelic-adjacent rock music gets a little boring once you’ve dabbled into more extreme metal flavors. In short, I’ve burned myself out on it while simultaneously unable to recall specific melodies. It may have gotten a 10/10 from me in college, but I’ve moved on.

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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 – “Last Days (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 – “Last Days (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel saves her brother from Kamran and the Mist. He has super-powers now, like psychic force field super-powers. They’re temporary, though, because of plot holes.

Captain Marvel leaves and Ms. Marvel returns to the school as Kamala to check out how things are going. Long story short, everyone is going to die from planet-blunt-force-trauma and there’s nothing that can be done.

Kamala also tells her mother that she is Ms. Marvel. Her mother already knows, which widens Kamala’s eyes like dinner plates.

This is not only the final issue of the storyline, but it’s the final issue of the series! It’s been a good run, and I’ll read more Ms. Marvel in the near future. I assure you! Be assured, goddamnit!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 [December, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 4)”

Ms. Marvel doesn’t think she heard her Ammi correctly. She knows? Is it because she does her laundry and keeps finding all these shirts with the lightning bolt down the front?

“I’ve known for several months now, Kamala-jaanu,” she says, serious as a string of heart attacks and mini-strokes. She started to suspect it when Kamala said “I’M GONNA GO BE MS. MARVEL” before booking it out of the house. And then every time Ammi saw er on TV, her daughter wouldn’t be home until morning.

“You know I was sneaking out?! But I was so quiet!”

Ammi shushes her and tells her that Abu doesn’t know this because he’s dumb and fat and is as detail-oriented as a sea slug. Kamala begs Ammi to not be mad, and she’s not mad. She swears it! She’s just… you know… she has a teenager and shit. Better this than breaking things or doing drugs or fucking Bruno in front of Aamir. “If the worst thing you do is sneak out to help suffering people – then I thank God for having raised a righteous child.”

Kamala looks glum and guilty, but she gets another hug and another gushing of pride. And then a SLAM! of a door announces Abu’s arrival. “That boy is going to give me a heart attack!” he bellows. “First he drops his engineering major without telling me, then he refuses to get a job, and now this!” This stupid mofo is going to pray his problems away, and Abu can’t be more upset about the waste of time. He’s going to whip him with a cane is what he’s going to do. “Ya Allah, what did I do to deserve such an exasperating child?”

Kamala tells her dad to cork it because Aamir didn’t do anything on purpose (except jerk off). But, argh, she can’t tell them what happened and why! Oh well, let’s all put this behind us and have a tall glass of halal Ovaltine! And–

The kids basically mixed dirt and water, and it’s delicious.

“Bitcoin for your thoughts?” Bruno appears behind Kamala, who was lost in thought. “It’s been quiet for a while,” he says. People are scared and angry and supplies are scarce. “Apparently, all the government resources are going to New York – we’re getting screwed as usual.”

How much longer can everyone hang on? Well, mopey Debbie Downer tells Bruno that they might not have to wait long anyway. Captain Marvel said everything is fucked up beyond all repair (that’s “FUBAR” for all you military nerds!) and nothing can stop the giant planet from plowing into the other giant planet.

“Bruno… if you knew this was your last day on Earth, what would you do differently?”

“Nothing. I would do nothing differently.”

Then he awkwardly grabs her hand and tells her that he’d be wherever she is for as long as he could. Kamala stares down and realizes that he’s been telling her this for a long time now.

But she chickens out and tells him that she’s got to check up on her parents in the gym byyyeeeeee. He stands there confused and probably sad as shit.

“I try not to look over my shoulder. I tell myself, Bruno can wait. I still have a job to do.”

Abu likes his tea dry and dusty!

Kamala’s barely-friend Zoe thinks that zombies are going to attack Jersey City. “Kamala…” she says. “If we’re all going to be battling the undead together, there are certain things I need to say first.” UH OH! ANOTHER PROFESSION OF LOVE WITHIN TWO MINUTES! STAY BACK! STAY BACK! “I’m sorry.”

Zoe apologizes for saying so many stupid things to Kamala in the past. Ignorant, stupid things. Stuff about curry. Getting locked up on weekends. “The thing is – I was jealous.”

Kamala can’t believe what she’s hearing. She raises her nostril in a sneer. “What?! You were jealous of me?” It’s because Zoe thinks everyone likes Kamala and everyone hates her, that’s the business of the matter at hand. Kamala is confused. Zoe is the rich, popular one. Kamala has Level 60 druids. Whatever. They shake hands. All is forgiven. By the way, your friend Nakia is looking for you. She’s mad at Zoe and it’s probably for incredibly racist reasons! Let’s go see.

Nakia is sitting in a “non-denominational non-judgmental prayer area”, which is so woke that my Republican sphincter is belching fire in rage. She seems mad at Kamala too, but this time it’s not for incredibly racist reasons. It’s because Kamala has been too busy to talk to her for like 12 straight issues.

“Oh God. You’re mad at me. Can we just skip the guilt trip part? I’m really exhausted–”

“No problem, Kamala. We’ll do whatever is convenient for you, like we always do.”

Eep. Kamala doesn’t tell Nakia anything anymore, and she’s supposed to be her best friend. She heard seventh-hand that Kamala is dating Kamran now? Like, gross! Gag me with a spoon and so forth!

And it’s not even one of the good mosque uncles. It’s one of those creepy mosque uncles who isn’t your uncle but he wants you to call him “uncle”…

Anyway, Nakia is salty and she doesn’t know why she and Kamala aren’t BFFs anymore, as the kids say (G. Willow Wilson would know what kids say, being 64 years old). They patch things up in about two panels because that’s how STRONG and RESILIANT their friendship is! They hug it out. Issue #19 has lots of pre-apocalypse hugging.

If there’s even an apocalypse. It sounds like there’s going to be even less of a party than even that.

Jock Itch has an annoucement! He yells so loudly that everyone goes like “huh”. Bruno’s brother holds a boombox over his head like he’s John Cusack. All like “we’re gonna party the way Jersey City parties!” and then they all stick their heads in the toilet.

Or they dance. They all dance in the gym.

“You can almost hear the collective sigh. Like we needed to be given permission to laugh again. Like even if things are profoundly not okay… at least we’re not okay together. And even if we don’t always get along…” Kamala looks toward her stick-in-the-mud brother, who betrays a small smile, “…we’re still connected by something you can’t break.”

A sad Bruno slips out of the gym unnoticed. OR WAS HE. Kamala follows knowing that she only has one chance to make this right…

She finds Bruno on the roof looking at the red sky. She asks if he’s ok. He’s ok enough. Ol’ Bruno is solid as a rock. A good head on his shoulders.

Roll call! Everyone’s here!

“It’s nice up here,” Kamala says, inching closer.

“Totally pleasant for a zombie apocalypse,” Bruno responds, still staring straight ahead.

Kamala admits that she’s been avoiding certain things lately. “I’ve been taking you for granted since this whole Ms. Marvel thing started, and that’s not okay. Especially because – Because you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. And – one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

Uh oh!

Bruno needs to say something before he wusses out, since it’s the end of the world and everything. “I love you, Kamala Khan.”

Uh oh!

“I — I love you too, Bruno.”

Oh no!

“So much,” she continues, “that it’s like a light is always on even when I’m fumbling around in the dark.”

Oh God! Oh no!

“…But I can’t.”

Whew!

It’s not even about her religion. It ain’t even about her parents. This whole Ms. Marvel thing has filled up her life completely. “I’m not ready to be anything else, to anyone else. I need to give this everything I’ve got.” She apologizes.

He understands. The exchange words of care and love and all sorts of other “I wanna fuck at least once please even though this comic series is PG” banter.

“Look — if we survive this – I want you to be happy. And if that means being happy without me, then – then that’s how it’s gotta be.” She presses her face sadly against his chest. His buff Bruno chest.

He’s hopeful. She’s hopeful. The planet continues hurtling down toward the Earth.

Kamala monologues. “It’s not like I imagined it would be. The end of the world. It doesn’t feel like nothing. Standing here with my best friend, it feels like everything. Everything and more.”

The light gets very white…

Final Thoughts

COMING-OF-AGE CLIFFHANGERS! THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES! NOW WHAT, NOW WHAT??

Should I continue on with Ms. Marvel Vol. 4 or should I try to piece together more of this Secret Wars event? Decisions, decisions!

Or maybe I should see what that loser Jessica Jones is up to.

Or maybe I should stop reading comics like a fucking child! But that won’t happen! See you next time, doods.

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Pretty in Pink (1986)

Tagline:
The laughter. The lovers. The friends. The fights. The talk. The hurt. The jealousy. The passion. The pressure. The real world.

Wide Release Date:
February 28, 1986

Directed by:
Howard Deutch
Written by:
John Hughes
Produced by:
Lauren Shuler

Starring:
Molly Ringwald
Harry Dean Stanton
Jon Cryer
Annie Potts
James Spader
Andrew McCarthy

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I never saw this movie as a kid because the title was “Pretty in Pink” and it starred Molly Ringwald so it was a total chick flick, man. I got over myself eventually and watched this movie once in my late ’20s. I remember finding it rushed and annoying, so let’s see if I was correct. I still don’t like Molly Ringwald.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Andie (Molly Ringwald) is a high school senior living with her dad, Jack (Harry Dean Stanton) on the WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. She spends a lot of time augmenting her clothes. Her best friend is the insufferable Duckie (Jon Cryer), who claims that he’s in love with her even though it’s likely that he is a homosexual human being and I think that shit is canon. Steff (James Spader) is the high school’s resident rich asshole with a weirdly feminine name, and he secretly wants to date Andie. She thinks he’s a piece of shit.

Andie works at a record store with Iona (Annie Potts), who looks different in every scene she’s in. While perusing the store, rich kid and Steff’s friend Blane (Andrew McCarthy) makes eyeballs are our protagonist and eventually asks her out. She is also attracted to him and says yes. Blane is late to pick Andie up from the record store on the night of the date, and in the meantime Duckie is all Duckie-like and tries to get Andie to go hang out with him. She declines, and when he realizes that she’s going out on a date with Blane he gets all pissy and weird about it.

Ever see Coneheads, Annie Potts?

In a complete lapse of judgment, Blane takes Andie to a Steff’s rich kid party full of assholes who hate her. Even after multiple beratements, Blane still keeps her there until she’s had enough. Blane and Andie then go to a nightclub where Iona and Duckie are hanging out. Duckie is a jerk to both Blane and Andie, so they leave. To cap off the awful date, Blane offers Andie a ride home but she refuses, not wanting Blane to discover the hole that she lives in. At the end of this go-nowhere shitty date, Blane asks Andie to prom and then they kiss for some reason. Steff calls bullshit on all this, and Blane is pressured to stay away from Andie.

Andie and Jack have a tense moment where she finds out that he doesn’t have a full-time job, and he’s still sad that his wife left them. They hug it out. Jack had bought her a dress for the prom, which she will use later and turn it into an uglier dress.

I’m sorry I can’t do better for you, honey. But having a job and paying the bills is just sooo haaaaaarrddd.

At school, Andie confronts Blane about him ghosting her. He claims he had already asked someone else to the prom, which she knows is a lie. He just doesn’t want to be seen with her. Duckie overhears Steff calling Andie trash, so he kicks Steff’s ass in the hallway.

Upset about Blane, Andie talks to Iona at her apartment. Iona presents Andie with her own prom dress from high school, which Andie will use later to turn it into an uglier dress.

Andie decides to go stag to the prom. She creates an ugly dress out of the two dresses. When she arrives, she finds Duckie alone too and they both walk in together. Steff, drunk, begins to insult them until Blane shows up to give Steff the business. I think he calls him shit, which is absolutely true. Very handsome shit. Blane will henceforth no longer associate himself with very handsome shit.

Blane apologizes to Andie and walks out of the party. Duckie, understanding that Andie would rather be with Blane than a lame duck like Jon Cryer, tells Andie to go chase him down. Andie catches up with Blane in the parking lot. They kiss.

An an epilogue that I’m making up right now, eight years later Blane gains 400 pounds and Andie pops out seven children. They are all named Lester.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Duckie Is Fucking Annoying

Dude, seriously.

Molly Ringwald spends exactly zero seconds of the movie enjoying Jon Cryer’s company.

John Hughes’ original script had Andie and Duckie getting together in the end. Now, the best possible ending would’ve been Andie giving the ol’ fuck you to both Duckie and Blane and going home, we can all agree on this, right? The worst ending imaginable would be Andie sucking Duckie’s face while the credits roll. No way, absolutely not.

Duckie is the universe’s most obnoxious movie character. I don’t care if they were friends when they were little kids, it’s beyond my understanding why Andie would continue being associated with such an embarrassing dipshit. Did you see Molly Ringwald’s face during every scene with Jon Cryer? She couldn’t keep the unbridled disdain off of her face. Re-watch that gruesome scene in the record store of Duckie lip-syncing and dancing to Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness” (if you can stomach it more than once in your lifetime) and check out the revolted sneer plastered all over Andie’s mug. It’s the correct reaction to such an obscene debacle.

Sorry, Duckie, but there is no indication, nor has there ever been, of Andie being into you. It’s just not there. No romantic chemistry whatsoever between you two. She appears to see you as nothing more than an obnoxious little brother, obviously one that she can’t remove from her life like a malignant esophageal tumor. If you did indeed profess your love to her, as you almost did in that one scene in her bedroom, then rest assured that she wouldn’t have laughed in your face. She would have pushed you out her window, hopefully causing you to get impaled by something pointy on the ground below. Fuck you, Duckie.

Ah yes, a familiar expression. The face I made while watching Duckie’s lip-sync dancing scene. Yuck.

TOPIC 2 — Blane is Fucking Bland

Not so fast, Blane! You’re not off the hook either, son. Did you know that you are the most boring prospective boyfriend in any movie ever? You’re even worse than Ross from Friends, pal. When you first walked into the record store I wondered if anyone would notice you at all. I wondered if they would close the store at the end of the night and leave you trapped because you couldn’t have made a more banal presence. You’re like a black hole of milquetoast in any room you’re in.

Now, you already read my tirade about Duckie. Don’t get me started again on that unpleasant mongoose-faced dork. But, AS A REMINDER, Duckie and Andie ended up together in John Hughes’ original script. Test audiences hated that ending so much that they were tearing up their genitalia with their car keys just to distract themselves from the pain. So, instead, they made Andie fall in love with this boring rich kid. Blane and Andie had approximately zero chemistry in every scene they shared. Their one date went horribly wrong and it was tremendously uncomfortable for her to be at that party. Did Blane really think that his asshole friends wouldn’t be assholes? Is he an idiot?

Here’s what Andie should have done: told both Duckie and Blane to fuck off, focused on getting into a good college to hoist herself out of her poverty-stricken existence, maybe spend more time helping her sad-sack father, and finding a real boyfriend who doesn’t suck ass. And maybe bang James Spader on the side because, let’s face it, he was a real piece! The best looking guy in the movie. Other than Dweezil Zappa, of course.

Simply overflowing with chemistry. Grab a bucket.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

James Spader was offered the role of Blane, but he chose to take the role of Steff instead. He finds it more fun to play the villain.
MOLLY RINGWALD COULD’VE KISSED SLEEPY-EYES JAMES SPADER, BUT INSTEAD HAD TO SETTLE FOR SMILEY-BOY ANDREW MCCARTHY?? THE BIGGEST TRAGEDY IS RIGHT HERE, BOYS AND GIRLS.

The genesis of this project emerged when Molly Ringwald asked John Hughes to write a movie based on The Psychedelic Furs song “Pretty in Pink”, which was her favorite song at the time.
Good thing Ringwald wasn’t really into GG Allin’s “Needle Up My Cock” or it would have been a far different movie.

When the ending was re-shot, all of the principal cast members had to be called back. Andrew McCarthy had already lost a substantial amount of weight and shaved his head for a new role in a New York City play called “The Boys of Winter”. Although he wore an auburn wig, he’s noticeably more gaunt in the re-shot scenes.
Reshoot the whole fucking movie with McCarthy in a wig. Just flopping around his head like a wounded muskrat.

In spite of their chemistry on-screen, Jon Cryer (Duckie) has stated that both of his co-stars Molly Ringwald (Andie) and Andrew McCarthy (Blane) found him “irritating” from day one.
Fucking lol

James Spader’s shirt is unbuttoned in every scene he appears.
Best part of the movie. Spader’s sexy ribcage.

Wanna go through the Stargate with me, baby?

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah, I’d say so. It’s a classic ’80s teen movie, and those are fun to watch in context. Fast forward that scene with Duckie singing in the record store, though. That’s the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.

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Black Science, Issue #5

Black Science, Issue #5 [April, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

Final Thoughts