Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #4! In the previous installment, Cindy Moon confronts Dragonclaw again and beats him up to smithereens, causing him to cry and moan and whine. His name is Harris Porter, and he’s just trying to make ends meet by doing odd jobs for Black Cat. She’s mean to Silk. Silk can’t beat her yet. But she will. Count on it.

Spider-Man is worried about Silk, so he forcibly enlisted the help of the friendly Fantastic Four! I’m all like “who cares” but I guess they’re going to help her. I guess they don’t have better things to do with their time right now. Like making me breakfast.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [July, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Dr. Reed “Look at How Smart I Am” Richards has Cindy doing some sort of virtual reality training thing. He’s wearing a headset and making her fight Galactus. She thinks this is pretty sweet.

Susan Storm chides Reed Richards for playing around with his gadgets, but Reed Richards is NOT playing around, woman! *slap* He’s working! *slap slap*

Silk splats Galactus with web spooge. She covers his face with it like a moneyshot. Johnny Storm gets horny while watching the fight.

After tying up Galactus’ legs and sending him falling to the ground, Silk gets light-headed and woozy. Later, she asks Richards if she was on an alternate Earth that was heavily radiated. Maybe radiation is the problem? Like, if Galactus was in Chernobyl’s exclusion zone then she would be really messed up, right? Richards doesn’t answer her question; merely asks how long she was in isolation. As if it were HIS BUSINESS. Cindy is onto him, asking what that has to do with fucking anything.

“Give or take… ten years.”

“I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Save it, nerd. Cindy still wants to know what he’s getting at, but Richards just says he ran every test in the book (even trepanation) and found nothing wrong with her (except her PMS, right fellas?). Maybe she has anxiety? Richards writes down the name of a psychiatrist that he wants Cindy to see post haste. Medicate the crazy out of you ASAP.

Ew.

It’s slobberin’ time, though, according to the big rock guy, so get your feedbag on. Johnny Storm tries to introduce himself to Cindy, one step closer to getting all up in her guts, but Peter Parker cuts him off immediately and asks her how she’s doing. She responds with a right hook to the jaw. Johnny gets that boner again.

“Who told you that you could tell anyone about my life?” Cindy points an accusing finger at the sad little spider boy. He was worried about her, that’s why. He just wanted to help. “Then you should have left me in that bunker,” she responds all scathingly. They stare each other down for a moment before Johnny horns on in again and invites Cindy to stay for breakfast. It’s slobberin’ time, don’t ya know?

She “politely” declines and starts walking out. Johnny asks her out on a date. She accepts right in front of Peter, the sad little spider boy. Peter frowns. He’s my favorite frowny character!

Silk swings across the city thinking about what Dr. “Can’t Read” Richards said about anxiety. Pffft, fuck anxiety. It’s not anxiety that’s the problem, it’s Black Cat. She keeps hissing, scaring the bejesus out of her. Making her too preoccupied at work to notice J. Jonah Jameson approaching behind her, telling her to stop working on a Saturday. She ain’t getting paid to work on a Saturday! And he notices the photo of Black Cat on Cindy’s computer. Fact Channel is already running a story on Black Cat! Stop wasting everyone’s time! Especially mine! Not Jameson. ME! The guy writing these words! Leave me alone!

Jameson walks away after telling Cindy to stop wasting her youth working on a Saturday. So she heads to the club to get her freak dance on. “See?” she thinks. “I’m fine. If I was anxious, I couldn’t dance. Right?”

The club is playing Girl Talk, lmao. Is this 2006? Cindy asks her work buddy Lola if she seems anxious to her. Lola is like “uh, maybe” and then like “you okay?”

The “you okay?” question triggers another fun flashback. Cindy’s parents knock on her door; they’re late for church. They open the door and find the aftermath of a bukkake session.

Honey, get the paper towels.

Cindy’s dad starts, like, touching the stuff. “What is all this?” Cindy’s mom rushes over to her web-slinging daughter and tells her that it’s ok. Everything’s going to be ok! Except for the decade in a bunker stuff, plus the mysterious disappearance of her family. Besides that, though, at least it’s slobberin’ time.

Cindy answers Lola’s question. She just has a date tonight, is all. A little nervous. Lola says that he should be nervous, whoever this so-and-so is. He can’t handle that pussy, girlfriend! *high five*

The date is awkward. They don’t know what to say to each other at the restaurant except “hey, um” and “uh”. So they leave and start doing hero shit. “FLAME ON!” he yells while she swings from building to building. They discuss her run-in with Black Cat. Sorry that you ate it. Here’s the trick: her power is luck. Can’t beat luck, though, but you can out-speed luck. Try that. Thanks.

The two sit atop a steel girder at a construction site watching the sunrise.

“Your family… they seem pretty cool,” Cindy says.

“We do put the fun in dysfunctional.”

“Dr. Richards… how often is he wrong?”

“Reed is totally annoying and way boring. But… he’s also rarely wrong.”

Cindy thanks Johnny “Human Flamer” Storm and kisses him on the cheek. Rated PG. Then he lights up in arousal. Rated PG-13.

At the Repairman’s warehouse (the guy who fixed up Dragonclaw), he discusses with Black Cat some business. Some “let’s go get Silk” business.

Repairman made a whole bunch of really cool armor. Black Cat has a small army of really cool armored people. “Go get Silk,” Black Cat says.

Final Thoughts

Ain’t nothing gettin’ Silk except the Human Torch’s flaming penis. You can take that to the (spank) bank, son.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Silk gets the hang of being a superhero by beating up old skull-octopus robots and getting covered with feces in the sewer Batman-style. Looking for her family offers no leads, as they seemed to have disappeared with the help of Ezekiel (who is now dead, so sad).

Cindy runs into her old boyfriend Hector, who now has a fiancée named Audrey. This makes her sad, understandably, so she returns to her bunker to mope.

Meanwhile, two individuals are keeping an eye on her via surveillance. And, so far, they’re impressed with what they see…

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [June, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk got knocked into an office building through its window. Outside, a blue gremlin-like demon flies toward the building all like “REMEMBER ME, SILK?”

What’s with all these monsters wanting people to remember them? Narcissistic, much?

Silk doesn’t remember him anyway. “You ruined me,” he says as they fight and tussle. “Turned me into a joke.”

Oh yeah, Silk remembers now. It’s Dragonclaw, who has now been turned into a real dragon via hormone therapy and magic potions. He has a new name, now. He wants to be called “Rage”. Silk prefers “Diet Smaug”.

Rage burns Silk’s swingin’ webs and she plummets into a very large dumpster. Then he picks up a van and tosses it on top of her. Ouch. Then she’s stuck, and Rage flies away, and the comic is already half over! lol what the fuck

All the cool people will be there!

Flashback to 18-year-old Cindy getting locked away by Ezekiel What’s-His-Nuts. She isn’t happy. He looks grim, like it’s not his choice but he’s gonna do it anyway but it hurts him to do it but it’s for the greater good but he doesn’t want to hurt her but one must be sacrificed to help many. That kind of grim.

“Adrenaline rush. Fingertips tingling. Don’t have another car thrown on me.” These are all things she thinks as she picks herself up and dusts herself off. I guess Rage the Ugly Blue Motherfucker didn’t fly away, which I totally saw him do by the way, because he stands on the ground looking up at Silk standing on the dumpster. “Any chance you want to just surrender?” she asks.

Ok well lmao he flies away again. Silk groans, and then stops Rage with a flinging of many webs. “Release me!” he yells as she jumps off the roof and pulls him down, down, down, down…

Flashback! “You’re asking me to throw away my life.” Cindy grits her teeth as she punches Ezekiel right in the face. Cindy likes punching things, this I know to be certain.

“Your life stopped being your own the moment that spider bit you, Cindy.” Ezekiel just takes his blows, which pisses Cindy off. Fight! Fight, ya bastard!

“I won’t force you to do this,” Ezekiel says after taking another fist to the face.

I choose fisticuffs at dawn, you brigand you!

Ezekiel lies bleeding on the floor. He begs Cindy to stop, that he isn’t going to hurt her, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, in the present, Rage is also begging Cindy to stop. Rage unmasks himself, revealing a sad, pathetic little wimp named Harris Porter.

“All right, Harris.” Silk sits down next to him. “I lost my temper. My bad. But you threw a van at me. So, it happens. What’s with the whole bad-guy thing?”

Harris looks sheepish. He’s a single parent. His wife left him a few years ago. Ergo, bad-guy thing. Making money working for Black Cat. You know the drill. Meow.

Silk feels bad about beating Harris up. Again. She helps him up and asks if he watched the Fact Channel. They ran a piece last week on Alchemax, and tech company who doesn’t care about criminal histories. Flair up your resume, Sparky. You can sit at a computer and play Minesweeper for $9/hr.

When the coast is clear, Silk calls up Fact Channel and tells her boss that she just emailed security footage of Silk tearing a dragon dude’s ass. She just bought another few weeks on the job! Won’t J. Jonah Jameson be happy! Once he’s done diarrhea-ing all over the office bathroom.

Black Cat shows up on the rooftop. Nice to see ya again and all that. “I knew you were bad from the minute we met,” Black Cat purrs. “Just didn’t know it was going to be bad for business.”

Then they fight. Silk is tired from all the other fighting + getting a van thrown on her. Plus, her webbing is running low. Gotta skedaddle. Black Cat punches Silk in the face and tells her to retire from the superhero business.

Stars like Jeff Goldblum, Mickey Mouse, and Marc Summers.

Then Black Cat picks her up and throws her like a frisbee. “Run while you can, Rookie.”

Harris Porter returns home after a long day of being a jerk. His young daughter gives him a big hug and asks her banged-up dad if he’s ok. Harris is like “I’M NOT OK, DEVIL SPAWN” but then actually says “I’m gonna be.”

He pays the old, grumpy babysitter and starts watching the Silk/Rage fight footage on the Fact Channel (where Facts go to Die™). “Who is that girl with the pretty hair?” Harris’ daughter asks. “She’s cool! Is she a hero?”

She shows her dad a crude drawing of Silk standing among some flowers that look like Bellsprouts. “Yeah, honey,” Harris says tiredly. “I think so.”

Silk returns to her bunker where Spider-Man is waiting. “Peter? Now?” she thinks. “C’mon!”

“I saw you on the news again. Your powers… Cin, something’s off. I just want to help.”

“You want to help me? Then go away. Forever.”

Ha! Take that, Peter Parker, you dunce!

“I’m worried about you,” he responds.

“Look. I know you mean well, I do. But I’ve had a crappy day. A crappy ten years…”

“Yeah. I figured you wouldn’t listen to me. So I brought some backup.”

Reveal a very friendly, smiley Fantastic Four. What an altruistic bunch. Helpful all the time. That Reed Richards sure is smart! Heh heh.

*snore*

Final Thoughts

Fucking great. More superheroes. Jerk me off, sir.