Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50 [December, 2003]

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

“Monster Advice” – Abby Densen

If you can believe it, this is my first Sabrina story. So bear the fuck with me while I get everyone’s names wrong right away. I know Sabrina and Salem and nobody else. Hopefully she doesn’t have any friends!

“What’re you working on, Sabrina?” asks Salem with a purrrr-fect smirk! “You don’t have your regular ‘homework scowl’ on!”

“I’ve got a new part-time job, Salem, for ‘Magic Times’, the other realm’s hippest magazine!”

Well, this is quite contrived already! What is Sabrina’s job going to entail? Writing up J. Peterman-esque blurbs about, uh, witch hats and Harry Potter charmed baubles?

Salem is super interested because he’s a cat and cats don’t have much stuff going on, apparently. They need to horn in on other people’s day-to-day “events”. He thinks Sabrina’s responding to fan letters, but he’s dead fucking wrong like an idiot from Hell. She’s in charge of maintaining the advice column for pixies and trolls, but she has to deal with “pop-up notes”. Meaning, these creatures’ floating heads pop up into her room intrusively and she has to deal with it accordingly.

Oh hey, a fairy just barged into Sabrina’s private quarters. She’s asking about some cockamamie trivial shit regarding being in love with a wizard even though that’s pretty much bestiality in the other realm! Sabrina ain’t judgin’, though. Just because he’s as large as Peter Pan and she’s as small as Tinkerbell doesn’t mean that they can’t enter the Bone Zone! “If things go well and romantic feelings develop,” Sabrina smiles, “ask him to do an enlargement spell on you! He is a wizard after all!”

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Go fuck someone your own size, Greenie.

The only thing this wizard is saving his enlargement spell for is his own dick, so don’t hold your breath on this one, Fairy Lady. Who’s next??

Salem compliments Sabrina effusively on a job well done! Someone’s angling for some catnip, being an insufferable kiss-ass and all that. However, these “pop-up notes” give him the heebie-jeebies! Like this one here! Ahhh! A Frankenstein! Oh no! Ahhhh! Oh no!

“Dear Sabrina, please help me. I’m a teen Frankenstein creature. You can call me Frankie! My problem is, I can’t find a date! All the girls say I’m a cold fish just because I’m a mellow guy!”

Well, here’s your first problem, Neck-Bolts: You’re a scary monster and a super creep! David Bowie said it better than I ever could, but that’s beside the point. Have you tried dating little fairies? They like it when their men use enlargement spells.

Sabrina promises Frankie that he won’t be some incel posting in the r/ForeverAlone subreddit. She’s going to invite interested girls to write into the magazine, and he’ll have a date in no time! Another satisfied customer! *dusts off hands*

So Halloween’s coming up and it’s the busiest monster season of the year for reasons I cannot even possibly fathom! Oh well! Sabrina’s love interest, Harvey, invites her to his party which she accepts with hearts over her head.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Gah! What will my friends think of me hiding a disembodied Dracula head in my locker?!

Things are normal until she gets a pop-up note in her locker. “Eek! Not at school!” she shrieks at the hapless vampire boy head floating around her purview. His problem is urgent, though, so cork the chatter and hear him out: he’s in love with a sun goddess named “Sunny” but she’ll literally kill him if he gets too close. So now what, hot shot?

Sabrina’s advice is “shut up until I figure something out”.

Later, Sabrina’s starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the constant barrage of needy teenagers. On top of that and homework, she has to figure out what to wear for Harvey’s party (Sexy burn victim! Sexy burn victim!) A cat?! Boring! You’re fucking boring, Sabrina.

After solving that problem boringly, Sabrina boots up her computer to do some research on Mr. Vampire’s Sun Goddess problem. Perhaps there’s a spell that will help him walk around in the sun without poofing in a cloud of Buffy dust.

Then a werewolf pops in between Sabrina and her computer, all like “MUH FUZZY FACE IS FULL OF SPLIT ENDS!” Then Frankie pops in again demanding his problem to be acted upon with haste, and Vampire Kid is like “what about meeeeee”.

So fuck this. “I’m freaking out!” Sabrina yells. “There’s no way I can solve everyone’s problems and be ready for Harvey’s party in an hour!”

Things start solving themselves, though. A zombie girls pops in and says that Frankie sounds like a perfect match! They both like killing kids, it’s a wonderful situation! Glad we could hook you two up. But, arrgh, Frankie’s nervous. How is a lame-o like him supposed to get bold and ask out a g-g-g-g-g-guh-guh-guh-girl???

Sabrina has an idea: invite all these fuckfaces to Harvey’s party! She’ll probably be able to solve everything easily there, of course! Why not? And plus, you horrible pariahs of society, you’ll look like you’re just wearing costumes. It’s perfect!

Oh boy!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

You two losers will be alone forever.

Sabrina prowls to the party in her accidentally-sexy cat costume. Harvey is dressed like Virgin Zorro. “I hope you don’t mind – I brought some friends along!” Sabrina says, motioning toward her posse of misfits. Harvey jubilates! He’ll get the punch!

Sabrina’s got a special ring for Drac. All he has to do is say “coppertonus” into the ring and he’ll be able to stand out in the sun for exactly eight seconds! Problem solved!

Werewolf gets a bottle of conditioner. The good stuff from Pert Plus. Problem solved!

Now everyone’s having fun at the party and we’re all happier for it. Especially me, and I’m never fucking happy.

“Sabrina, your friends and their costumes really made my party a success! Where did you meet them?” Harvey asks.

“Oh, they’re just some ‘pen-pals’ that popped by!” she answers.

The laugh track is so loud that my TV explodes into a million pieces.

”Scat Cat” – Bill Golliher

Scat cat? Gross!

“Salem, shouldn’t you get some exercise?”

“What do you suggest?”

“I don’t know; don’t you have some cat friends to play with?”

“Hmmph! Oh yeah, like I would ever let another cat chase me around the house!”

Sabrina makes a fucking tiger appear in the living room, scaring the shit out of Salem and traumatizing him to the point of requiring intensive therapy.

The laugh track is so loud that God tells me to shut up.

”Kennel Chaos!” – Bill Golliher

Salem is going to spend nine months in a kennel while the Spellman family continues living in their house cat-free.

Salem wants to go to the annual Aunt Hera visit in the other realm, but either Hilda or Zelda because I don’t know who is who and I don’t care, tells him that Aunt Hera is allergic to cats! D’oh! And the poor sap thinks he’ll be spending his days lounging in front of the TV eating jelly beans, but they’re going to throw his ass into the kennel. And we knew this already, but Salem didn’t and that’s why it’s funny now! LMAO!

Salem has the upper hand: he’ll tell everyone that he’s a wizard and that the women are witches! That’ll stick in your craw, right Hazel? Wait, what are you doing? Stop! *throws cat into the brig*

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Have you ever been to Guatemala City, Salem?

The Spellmans leave and Salem gets put into a cage immediately. The other animals moan and whine about their masters abandoning them, but Salem sets them straight by saying stuff like “Of course they abandoned you!” and “You’re going to die in here, morons.”

But then he’s like “nah I’m kidding”, but he does tell them all that their owners are all having fun while they’re stuck in here. And he can prove it! How? Well, Salem unlatches his cage and then peruses the kennel’s paperwork, obviously. Hey, Sanchez you loveable mutt, you’re here for two weeks while your family visits Hawaii! And Scotty, you’re here for an indefinite amount of time while you’re family’s in shitty Florida! And Spike, Spi-i-i-i-iiike, your owners are dead! HAHAHAHA! DEAD TIRED of being in the Grand Canyon! But probably not! Ha!

“That’s awful!” gripes one of the dogs. “We shouldn’t put up with it.”

So what’s Salem’s solution? Throwing a little party; turn on some music, grab some snacks. Raise some hell. Like good little doggies. Order pizza. Ritual sacrifices because, you know, these are witchy comics after all.

All the animals enjoy themselves until the Russians drop the bomb, but that doesn’t happen yet.

But OH SHIT, it’s coming onto 7am and they’re still partying! And the humans will be back soon! Let’s wrap this shit up, everyone. NOW!

Soon, the animals are all back in cages and the room is full of empty pizza boxes. The pizza guy comes back the next day to collect his money like a fucking mobster, saying that the expired credit card was under Salem Spellman. Well, in two shakes of a lamb’s tale, the kennel owner calls the Spellmans over to pick up their fucking asshole cat and she gives them the bill.

Let this be a lesson, everyone. Put down your Salems as soon as possible.

”Sleepover Slip Up!” – Bill Golliher

Orange Hair = Aunt Zelda

Blonde Hair = Aunt Hilda

Here’s the little mnemonic I can use to remember that: O’ Zelda, Buh-Hilda. Feel free to use it too, it helps!

Zelda and Hilda are fucking off for the weekend at the “Single Witch Convention”, which sounds to me like a hella orgy that Sabrina has no place to be anywhere near for at least a couple of years.

The second they leave, Salem runs for the TV. And also the lasagna and also his “I HATE MONDAYS” t-shirt with the frown on it. He doesn’t get a spot on the couch, because four teenage girls POOF out of thin air. One of them is Sabrina’s tiny little cousin, Esmerelda, and she insists that their aunts told Sabrina that she was staying for an impromptu sleepover! So bust out the Twister, girlfriend. It’s about to get naughty in here.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Let’s roast this house to the ground, fellow bitches!

Esmerelda and her moochin’ friends start turning the house into a campsite, snapping their fingers and producing trees and waterfalls rolling down the stairs. Tents and grass and dirt and campfires and bears and bugs and skunks and pedophile camp counselors. As you can imagine, Sabrina starts getting annoyed.

To make matters worse, EEK and EEP, Harvey shows up to the house! Now, he’s as surprised as anyone to see kids running around. He heard that Sabrina’s aunts were gonna be out of town… so… he thought… maybe… you know… there’d…. there’dbesomefuckin’…

Harvey sees the water gushing down the stairs and goes “heh heh, uhm… looks like you’re busy and I’ll… hey are you making s’mores??”

Esmerelda wants Harvey to stick around. He’s “cute” and maybe he knows “scary stories”. Like maybe the time he got his wang stuck in an electrical socket? That was pretty scary.

“Well, it all started on a dark night… this couple had a flat tire in the woods and the guy got out to change it… then he heard something…”

I’M SHIVERING ALREADY, HARVEY, AND IT MIGHT JUST BE YOUR DULCET TONES. TELL US MORE.

“A low deep growl! And then he turned around and saw it! The Swamp Monster! It was covered with green slime and had one big eye!”

Esmerelda gets an evil glint in her eye and decides to conjure up this cute little swamp monster we’ve all been hearing so much about today!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50

Where’s the bathroom, homie?

Well, sir, Harvey booked it on out of there in a jiffy before Sabrina got back from doing whatever it was she was doing (deodorant in the vagina). I mean, making s’mores. Same thing.

“Where’d Harvey go?”

“He had to leave kinda quickly!”

“He did? Was his story any good?”

“Oh, yes…” Esmerelda motions toward the giant Harvey-shaped hole in the hall. “…I guess you could say it left quite an impression!”

The laugh track is so loud that Nairobi explodes.

Final Thoughts

Looks like the 2000s Sabrina comics are pretty juvenile! Even more so than any of the Archies I’ve read so far, and those are pretty damn juvenile.

Almost in a bad way, though… like, they’re so juvenile that they’re difficult to make fun of in the same way?

Or maybe because I’m losing my touch and I’m on three hours of sleep!

Also, I died four hours ago. Sorry.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Upload, Season 1 – Buy Your Own Afterlife

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Upload, Season 1 (2020) (Amazon Prime)

Upload, Season 1
Hey, I like The Good Place! I heard this is pretty much like The Good Place! Let’s watch it!

The Premise

It’s sorta like The Good Place! It’s the year 2033, and technology has advanced to the point where a person can opt to have their consciousness uploaded to a computer-simulated afterlife environment for a cost. The richer you are, the more affordable the good locations are. Forever 27-year-old Nathan Brown (Robbie Amell) is a lucky guy! His wealthy, self-absorbed, materialistic girlfriend Ingrid (Allegra Edwards) is paying the bills for a virtual stay at Lakeview, the best of the best, following Nathan’s premature death in a car crash. Continental breakfasts with maple bacon donuts! Lavish living quarters! Rubbing elbows with fellow millionaires! What more could a dead guy want?

Upload, Season

How about attending your own shitty funeral?

Well, Nathan, as an “Upload” has some initial issues adjusting. Luckily, there are living people employed to assist Uploads at Lakeview. Nathan gets assigned to Nora Antony (Andy Allo), a young woman working her dead-end job to pay the bills. Nathan just needs to say the word, and Nora will to a virtual pop-in to Lakeview to help with whatever he needs.

Well, an inappropriate romantic bond forms between Nathan and Nora. Ingrid is possessive and can cut Nathan off and eliminate his consciousness at any moment. Nora could be fired for starting a relationship with an Upload. Does love prevail? Does Nathan die twice? Does Nora have to suck it up and find someone alive to fall in love with??

And does Lakeview ever run out of maple bacon donuts?

And, also, was Nathan murdered? That’s a real question. Possibly!

Upload, Season

Also, where can I get some of those coooool glasses?

My Half-Baked Thoughts

It took me a few episodes to fall into its groove, but man did I fall in love with Upload. I binged it in about four days. It definitely is very similar to The Good Place, what with all the afterlife-related cockamamie shenanigans and the ethical, moral, and philosophical questions regarding of the humanity of the Uploads. But don’t be fooled, this is not a profound show. It’s humorous and light-hearted, with the science fiction and philosophy taking a seat waaaay in the back in favor of the romantic comedy aspects.

Upload, Season

This first date kinda sucks, actually.

Speaking of which, the romance is handled well. It gets cheesy once in a while, but it never gets too cringe. The progression is believable, and you start caring about Nathan and Nora enough to get invested in their relationship. I do like the development of Nathan’s character, going from insufferable douchebag to a kind-hearted, sympathetic person. Well… dead person.

While the subject matter is presented with levity, there’s quite a bit of thought-provoking material underneath the surface. Are Uploads still people? Their brains and consciousnesses are stored on a hard drive. They can be transferred to other afterlife locations with the push of a button. They can even be deleted forever. But, for all intents and purposes, they are the same as they were in life. They think and feel and develop and learn and grow, just like anybody else. They get happy and sad, feel pain, feel loneliness, feel love, all that happy horseshit. Upload customer service representatives like Nora (i.e. an “angel”) spend eight hours a day taking care their small pool of Upload clients. Of course you’re going to have affairs popping up! That’s a fuckin’ no-brainer, man. Whether or not these Uploads are living people is negligible. It’s not like falling love with a computer, like my friend Kyle did with a stripper screen saver in college.

Upload, Season

For $3,000,000 you can visit your afterlife lightbulb vacation home.

I speak semi-often about my ongoing existential crisis, and while Upload didn’t trigger anything too seriously like Severance did, it still got me thinking about the continuation of consciousness after death. While The Good Place never truly felt like anyone was dead, Upload did a good job of making me believe that these people are basically just sentient computer programs. They lightly cover moral subjects such as the humanity of the Uploads and whether or not they should have similar rights. For all intents and purposes, these “people” are still very much alive. Nathan’s consciousness persists in a shared drive with other dead individuals. He forms new memories, enjoys eating, sleeping, PLEASURES OF THE FLESH, and hobbies. Hell, he’s even able to communicate with his friends and family with his phone. Double hell, his friends and family are able to visit him via VR. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Upload, Season

You can even get a visit from your old girlfriend that you died to get away from!

Eventually, this begs the question of would I choose to upload? A resounding fuck yeah from me on this one. As long as I’m able to afford it for as long as possible, I’d stay at the Upload Lakeview Hotel in a heartbeat. It’s a pretty sweet afterlife gig, and the only thing I’d have to worry about is crashing computer systems or accidentally launching myself in “the torrent” (a swirling vortex in the outskirts that permanently destroys an Upload’s consciousness). Send me on my way with an iPhone crammed to the brim with music and a big pile of books and I’d be fine as hell, man. Maybe an Xbox and some streaming services, too. And internet. Fuck yeah.

Worth the Watch?

Yeah, I thought it was. Upload is a very interesting take on a premise that has already been touched upon a few times with a love story that’s not only believable, but something I genuinely got invested in.

I hear Season 2 is disappointing, so I’m already letting people on the internet ruin my mood about this show. Season 1 is great, though. Watch Season 1.

Upload, Season

We’ve run out of data. Post over.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52 – “Cat Fight”

* Part 7 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52 – “Cat Fight”! In the previous installment, Fisk will not be happy to learn that his tablet is stolen, and Mr. Moore, the man who helped steal the tablet in the first place, has one evening to get it back. On Moore’s behalf, Fisk’s righthand man hires Elektra to do the job.

Meanwhile, Black Cat has some sort of romantic interest in Spider-Man and invites him to a rooftop date. She even removes her mask, displaying a hint of vulnerability. The date is cut pretty short when Elektra shows up.

If Elektra and Black Cat fight over Spider-Man I’m going to uppercut my desk to the ceiling.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52 [March, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Cat Fight”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52

At Fisk Towers, Mr. Dini approaches Fisk in the dark with caution. Elektra has been assigned to recover the tablet. “I don’t know who that is?” Fisk frowns. Dini says she’s new, young, talented, and buxom! Quite buxom! Very buxom!

“I want this resolved tonight,” says Fisk.

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Sir?”

“Just get it done.”

“It’s — yes – it’s happening right now.”

Here’s what’s happening right now: two women and one little pajama-ed boy are doing cartwheels and flips and getting hit with ninja stars on the rooftop. One nicks Spidey’s costume and tears a hole. Next thing you know, only Black Cat and Elektra are fighting one another. Meow!

“Nuts!” Spidey thinks. “What do I do?” He stands out of the way while these other two tear into each other like rabid hyenas. Boom kick fight pow hit scream bang screech roar. After a few moments of deliberation, Spidey realizes that he’s witnessing a sexy catfight.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52

No, not the hair! That’s my moneymaker!

“Give back what you stole,” Elektra snarls. Black Cat is silent. Spider-Man says out loud to himself that someone should stop this.

“I’m not my father!” Black Cat yells suddenly. “Tell your master! Tell him!! I’m not my father!!” She knocks Elektra’s sai out of her hand. Elektra returns with a kick to Black Cat’s face. Then a kick to the abdomen, which sends her flying right into Spidey. “OOF!” he yells. Oof.

Spidey webs Black Cat to the floor and, like a fucking man, tells her that he’ll be taking care of it. “NO!” Black Cat protests.

“Okay now, you…” Spidey turns to Elektra. “What exactly can we do to make you stop and go away? Or would you at all be interested in calmly telling us who sent you and exactly what you want?”

Wordlessly, Elektra starts fighting Spidey. More and more fighting and the comic is already half over! Eventually, Spidey gets kicked over the side of the building for the second time in three issues. “Oh, God! Oh, God!” He grapples two adjacent buildings, then tries ungracefully to swing back down to street level. He gets banged up, but he doesn’t die much to the reader’s chagrin.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52

They stood you up, Sparky. Get used to it.

Spidey monologues while he climbs back up. Here’s the gist: He got his ass kicked by a girl and his entire body “feels like a McGriddle”. He’s out of his mind for meeting up with Black Cat in the middle of the night. “How is it she’s smart enough to be a cat burglar but she’s so stupid that she puts ads in the paper telling everyone with half a brain where she is going to be?” And he already has a girlfriend, so what the fuck is all this about? Hormones? Black Cat looks all sexy in her leather getup? And he doesn’t know what he’ll do when he gets back on the roof…

He gets back on the roof and no one is there.

Spider-Man takes the opportunity to collapse on the roof all tuckered out, preparing to even fall asleep there. He remembers Black Cat’s outburst about not being her father, which was weird, right? I mean, she’s a woman for starters! Second of all, uh…

“’I’m not my father’? Who’s her father? Batman?” Spider chides. A security guard opens the door to the roof, and Spidey hushes him up. “Sshh, I’m thinking.” he says. Laughtrack. Applause.

Mr. Dini’s got some bad news for Fisk! Carmen Elektra failed her mission. BUT, and here’s the positive… uh, we might have a clue, maybe, as to who this Black Cat woman is? Heh heh?!

Fisk scowls like it’s his job to scowl and he’s very good at his job. Dini simply gives him the ol’ “yes, sir” and leaves the room.

Aunt May is snoring in her bed when she gets a call at 1:22am. It’s MJ’s mother, and she can’t find her dang daughter. She’s gone! Poof! Out of here! “I-I-I think she packed a bag. I think she ran away!! She ran away!! She’s not here. Her money is gone and some of her clothes.”

Is Peter in the house? Maybe he can shed some light on this situation.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52

QUICK, SPIDER-MAN! YOU HAVE EXACTLY NINE SECONDS TO GET BACK HOME FERRIS BUELLER-STYLE!

Final Thoughts

That was short! Most of the comic book’s real estate was spent on two chicks duking it out. One more issue to go on this story and there seems to be a lot to wrap up, doesn’t it? Black Cat’s identity, the tablet, Fisk, Peter Parker, Aunt May, MJ Watson *keeps rattling off characters for no reason*


Click here to ridicule this post!

Stavros Halkias

Stavros Halkias

Stavros Halkias’ Official Website

JUMP TO:
(2022) Live at the Lodge Room
(2023) Fat Rascal

Live at the Lodge Room (2022)
Rating: Good

Stavros Halkias - Live at the Lodge Room

Stavros Halkias used to be a co-host of a podcast called “Cum Town”, a podcast that’s wildly inadvisable to search for or listen to on your work computer. It was one of the most popular comedy podcasts of all time, raking in $140,000 per month on Patreon in it’s prime. As Halkias describes it, he is now “order appetizers every time” rich. Now, obviously, he has enough fuck-you money to pursue his dream to be a standup comic, and, as luck would have it, he’s very funny!

Halkias has the confidence of someone who knows exactly what he looks like and doesn’t give a shit. His self-deprecation is at a minimum, making only occasional references to how he’s “fat as hell” or how he looks like a side character from Grand Theft Auto. Quite the converse, actually. He spends a lot of time talking about sexual promiscuity, including an extended threesome story! Gross, right?! But it’s not all disgusting sex and overindulgent eating habits. Halkias talks about how millennials are completely fucked (“unless someone schmassassinates Schmeff Schmezos”), how much drugs rule, his odd Greek upbringing, and trying to eventually, against all odds, grow up. He’s endlessly endearing and charming, and has a great ability to pull you into his world. He grew up with immigrant parents in a shitty part of Baltimore. As he describes it, he’s straight out of the second season of The Wire. The stories about his family are the best part of the set, and I wish there was more of it.

I like the indignity of being pegged as the “party animal” just because of his appearance (“You think I want to do just cannonballs? I want to do other DIVES, you guys!”). I like the subversion of the money-saving-millennials complaint (“Millennials are spending too much money on lollipops. Yeah, well, I actually need a CPAP machine, so…”). I like his story about falling down the stairs at a subway station and a bunch of black kids helped him (“I’m too fat for the scorn of black teens!”). I like the observation that mansplaining has caused men to not be able to explain anything anymore, allowing them to be dumb as shit. And, of course, the blasé “I’m 32, I should probably start trying some gay shit.”

I thought the first 10-15 minutes or so about COVID fell flat. It wasn’t a strong way for Halkias to start the set, nor was the threesome story a strong way to end it. Some jokes, especially the ones about sex, are a little generic. The threesome-related crowd work, though, was glorious. One guy had a shitty threesome with two women at 4am and he was the only one who didn’t come (“They gave you Adderall?? What the fuck?”), showing Halkias’ strength at talking to his audience off the cuff. Pretty good for a first-timer, I’d say. I very much look forward to watching his next special.

Fat Rascal (2023)
Rating: Good

Stavros Halkias - Fat Rascal

Halkias is fat and ugly and short and proud of it. He was stopped at international airport security without papers and was afraid he looked too much like a pedophile. And yet, in spite of these limitations, it sounds like Halkias gets laid a lot. Like, a lot. Listening to a fat guy talk about eating pussy is kind of gross, I’m not gonna lie. And he spends about 20 minutes talking about his dick. He spends so much time talking about his dick that I can picture it perfectly. That’s how much he talks about his tiny little curved shrimp dick, with its tight foreskin and its weak stream and its high-velocity cum. Makes you want to watch this special immediately, doesn’t it?

Halkias is a total natural at this stuff. I’ve never seen someone so chipper while being so self-deprecating. The first thing he says when he arrives on stage is “Look at this place, I don’t belong here.” He makes fun of the balcony patrons for looking like nerdy incel Gamestop employees; clearly they don’t belong there either. He makes it clear that he knows that he looks like a henchman in a Steven Seagal movie. It’s not all fat and ugly and nerdy and penis jokes, not really! Halkias spends some time talking tech, making the astute observation that people only think Elon Musk is smart because they can’t figure out his accent and that Neuralink is just going to put all of a person’s good memories behind a paywall (“Getting jacked off on the bus is a platinum-level memory”). He touches on his many trips around the country: there are people who look just like him all over Buffalo, there was a a guy in Phoenix who told Halkias that it wasn’t cool to tell jokes about being white, the girls in Tampa look like “the hottest girls at a bowling alley”. I laughed out loud that the white man’s Jesus is not only a tall white dude, he’s also a piece of ass! I chuckled sensibly when he said the airport cops on bikes hadn’t accosted a black teenager in a while, so they were a little cranky.

Halkias’ storytelling isn’t his strongest suit. The longest story involves an unpleasant confrontation at the desk at Delta Airlines, but most of it was dry with few actually good jokes peppered within. He does some decent crowd work, though, just like in his previous special. Here he makes fun of a guy who prowled Facebook looking for a “strong woman”, and he makes fun of another guy for getting broken up with. Both topics are mined for some comedy goodness, and Halkias’ own giggle is infectious. He seems to have fun with crowd work, he should do more of it.

Other jokes of note: Halkias couldn’t watch Squid Game after breaking up with a Korean girl because he just got mad at seeing any Korean person. Halkias is the “king of Walmart” because he can’t fit in anything from Macy’s or the Gap. Halkias joined the “Ten-Foot-High Club” which is where you beat off while everyone’s boarding the plane. And, of course, Halkias is saving getting pegged for marriage. He’s old-fashioned that way, you know.

Most of Halkias’ charm comes from the idea that he could be one of your funny friends. He’s loose and laid back, tells crude jokes about the internet and sex, and has the confidence that you wish you had. And since he’s already put out two specials in two years, I look forward to the next six before this decade is over.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Son of Superman (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Son of Superman (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we meet little Jon Kent, son of the new Superman who is also conveniently named Clark. He conveniently has a wife named Lois, and they live on a modest farm. Clark farms, Lois writes, and Jon burns the family cat in front of the new neighbor girl.

At the end of the issue, Superman meets up with Wonder Woman and Batman to discuss his little boy. Superman stomps his way up to Jon’s room, strikes a menacing pose, and tells Jon that he’ll be coming with him.

Probably to kill him. Or torture him. Or feed him chili until he explodes. That’s the most delicious form of torture.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [September, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 2)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Superman is flying his son across an arctic wasteland at 9,000 mph, effectively reaching windchill of 0.3 Kelvin. “You’re shaking, Jon. Warm enough?”

He is not warm enough. He’s probably dying. Little Jon Kent asks his crazy father if he’s being turned over to the Justice League. Superman tells him that, actually, the Justice League was looking for him. It turns out that the rest aren’t entirely comfortable with a new Superman milling about.

Anyway, their little excursion is unrelated. During the meeting, a distress signal was calling them out from a Coast Guard icebreaker. And he wants Jon’s help even though Jon thinks this is a shit idea. Superman tells his son to man up and watch his dad work. From afar, though. Make yourself scarce.

The crew doesn’t know whether this Superman is here to help or hurt. Once Superman declares that the propeller on the submarine is fixed, the tension loosens up. “Thanks for your assistance,” says one member of the team tersely, all military-style. “It’s good to have… a Superman back.”

“Just doing my job, Captain,” Superman says smugly, shaking his hand. While they exchange pleasantries, a very loud WHAAAAMMM jars the lot of them. Then a FRRROOOSSSH. Then some insanely enormous squid tentacles rock the fuck out of the ship and crew. Jon Kent is worried! “DAD!” he screams!

Superman spends a few EPICALLY-ILLUSTRATED PAGES fighting the beast! The men clamor down into the submarine and intend to book it while Superman punches tentacles. There’s a lot of “urrnngh” and “JON LOOK OUT!” going on. Superman instructs his whelp to use his heat vision, which Jon exclaims that he doesn’t have. Superman tells him to use it anyway, liar.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

I dare you to hit me. I DARE you.

“Aim for this crystal contraption,” Superman says, revealing a convenient video game boss fight weakness. “It’s controlling the poor creature.”

Jon blasts his dad with his heat vision instead, lmao. Little Jonny cries because he’s afraid of hurting his dad, but Superman is like “HA HA, son, I’m indestructable and this actually feels like an orgasm!” Then he tells Jon to do it again, and don’t skimp on the temperature! The boy rips off his coat, revealing his own Superman shirt, and eventually focuses his energy on the so-called crystal contraption. It works. With a high-pitched SKREEEE, the beast collapses back in the water.

Now, who would have gone and done such a thing as install this so-called crystal contraption on the giant squid in the first place? Oh well, a mystery for another time, I guess! Jon says he had fun. Superman says “heh.”

“Now, about that shirt.”

“Cool, huh? Found it at the secondhand store in town with Mom. It’s got the ‘S’ on it and everything.”

“I can see that. So wearing the shield… for what… Superboy?” Superman smiles wryly.

Jon says HELL NO, that gig is for suckers! He just wanted to be like his old man is all. Shucks, sir.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With great power comes great sandwiches. Yada yada yada.

The heart-to-heart continues to the point where Jon gets sheepish and begins to admit to cooking the family cat. Superman knew; the smell of ozone lingered in the air for about seventeen hours. “It was an accident,” Jon whines. “And now Mom’s cat is dead because I didn’t listen. I’d give anything to take back what I did, but I can’t.”

That’s right you can’t, you little psychopath. But you can apologize before mom feeds you your own butt.

“Do you think Mom will be mad?”

“I think she’ll be proud.”

WHATEVER. I’d be fucking mad. No dessert for a year and the Xbox in the garbage.

As they fly home, some weird Superman shield made of lava pulls itself out of the ground jibber-jabbering. “PLASMA DETECTED. HOMO SAPIEN… KRYPTONIAN. SHARED GENOME. EARTHLING. ORIGIN OF GENOME IS FROM THE HOUSE OF EL.” Then it flies off into space and around the world. This is another one of those dumb things that happens in Superman comics and I’m going to hella ignore it for now.

Later, Jon sits up in a tree with his own thoughts until the new neighbor girl, Kathy Branden, shows up. “Hi, Jonathan,” she says with a slightly sad face.

Lois is tending to Clark’s back after it had gotten blasted with 9,000 degree heat. She chides him for bringing their boy along for the ride, but Clark insists that it was a nice teaching moment for him. Still, though, the boy needs to learn how to control his powers before someone, or something, else gets hurt.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

I’ll start by taking away all of his tube socks…

Kathy climbs the tree and cozies up next to Jon.

“How come you didn’t say anything about what I did to the cat?”

“I don’t know. Felt like something we should keep between us.”

That’s very kind of her. Keeping the cat homicide to themselves.

Lois tells Clark that his own bumpkin parents didn’t know shit about raising a boy with superpowers. At least Clark has the advantage.

“Are you scared?” Kathy asks.

“Of what?”

“Being able to do that – what you did with your eyes?”

“Sometimes… yeah… I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

“You won’t.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I can tell you’ve got a good heart.”

They’re gonna start fucking on that tree branch, aren’t they?

She touches her hand to his, and he squeezes the branch so hard that it breaks. She’s still on the tree. He falls.

Kathy grabs her grandfather who carries Jon’s lifeless body. After a quick rap on the Kents’ door, the situation becomes quite clear! JON IS DEAD!

…

DEAD TIRED OF FALLING OUT OF TREES!

But seriously, though, your son fell and is critically injured lol. He lost consciousness, probably landed right on his soft melon. The grandfather is named Cobb and he advises the Kents to have “Doc Brooks” look at him (Doc Brooks keeps a lot of lollipops in his underpants). Why, Grandpa Cobb will drive everyone over if’n you’d like.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Get the fuck out of my face, you saggy old overalls-wearing brainiac supervillain!

Cobb and Kathy walk away bewildered. Lois reassures them both that Jon will give them a call once he’s feeling better. Then she whips around to Clark and asks what the hell that was just then. Clark doesn’t answer, but he did his special Star Trek injury assessment scan and determined that Jonny Boy has a slight concussion, nothing more.

“I don’t understand how he could start having these powers but still scrape his knees and hurt his head,” Lois wonders concernedly.

“There’s only one place to get those answers, and that’s… THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.”

Yeah right, Clark. Just another excuse to have some private jerking-off time.

As they speak, the weird lava shield continues flying across the planet, homing in on the Fortress of Masturbation Solitude (roughly three miles within the Arctic Circle, not as far north as Santa Claus). “KRYPTONIAN ENERGY SIGNATURE RECOGNIZED. ACCESS GRANTED.”

The thing enters the Fortress and starts “assimilating”. By that, I mean it latches onto Clark’s glasses and Daily Planet badge (both inexplicably in the Fortress instead of Clark’s house). Then it forms some large lava-faced figure of Superman.

“WE ARE HERE. WE WILL SAVE YOU, TOO, KAL-EL.”

Final Thoughts

Whatever. At least Batman is about real-life crime that makes sense most of the time. Every Superman comic is loaded with weird alien bullshit that seems to be made up on the fly. Lava Supermen? How many Supermen are there going to be?

I want to see Gingerbread Superman. Delicious.


Click here to ridicule this post!