Stavros Halkias

Stavros Halkias

Stavros Halkias’ Official Website

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(2022) Live at the Lodge Room
(2023) Fat Rascal

Live at the Lodge Room (2022)
Rating: Good

Stavros Halkias - Live at the Lodge Room

Stavros Halkias used to be a co-host of a podcast called “Cum Town”, a podcast that’s wildly inadvisable to search for or listen to on your work computer. It was one of the most popular comedy podcasts of all time, raking in $140,000 per month on Patreon in it’s prime. As Halkias describes it, he is now “order appetizers every time” rich. Now, obviously, he has enough fuck-you money to pursue his dream to be a standup comic, and, as luck would have it, he’s very funny!

Halkias has the confidence of someone who knows exactly what he looks like and doesn’t give a shit. His self-deprecation is at a minimum, making only occasional references to how he’s “fat as hell” or how he looks like a side character from Grand Theft Auto. Quite the converse, actually. He spends a lot of time talking about sexual promiscuity, including an extended threesome story! Gross, right?! But it’s not all disgusting sex and overindulgent eating habits. Halkias talks about how millennials are completely fucked (“unless someone schmassassinates Schmeff Schmezos”), how much drugs rule, his odd Greek upbringing, and trying to eventually, against all odds, grow up. He’s endlessly endearing and charming, and has a great ability to pull you into his world. He grew up with immigrant parents in a shitty part of Baltimore. As he describes it, he’s straight out of the second season of The Wire. The stories about his family are the best part of the set, and I wish there was more of it.

I like the indignity of being pegged as the “party animal” just because of his appearance (“You think I want to do just cannonballs? I want to do other DIVES, you guys!”). I like the subversion of the money-saving-millennials complaint (“Millennials are spending too much money on lollipops. Yeah, well, I actually need a CPAP machine, so…”). I like his story about falling down the stairs at a subway station and a bunch of black kids helped him (“I’m too fat for the scorn of black teens!”). I like the observation that mansplaining has caused men to not be able to explain anything anymore, allowing them to be dumb as shit. And, of course, the blasé “I’m 32, I should probably start trying some gay shit.”

I thought the first 10-15 minutes or so about COVID fell flat. It wasn’t a strong way for Halkias to start the set, nor was the threesome story a strong way to end it. Some jokes, especially the ones about sex, are a little generic. The threesome-related crowd work, though, was glorious. One guy had a shitty threesome with two women at 4am and he was the only one who didn’t come (“They gave you Adderall?? What the fuck?”), showing Halkias’ strength at talking to his audience off the cuff. Pretty good for a first-timer, I’d say. I very much look forward to watching his next special.

Fat Rascal (2023)
Rating: Good

Stavros Halkias - Fat Rascal

Halkias is fat and ugly and short and proud of it. He was stopped at international airport security without papers and was afraid he looked too much like a pedophile. And yet, in spite of these limitations, it sounds like Halkias gets laid a lot. Like, a lot. Listening to a fat guy talk about eating pussy is kind of gross, I’m not gonna lie. And he spends about 20 minutes talking about his dick. He spends so much time talking about his dick that I can picture it perfectly. That’s how much he talks about his tiny little curved shrimp dick, with its tight foreskin and its weak stream and its high-velocity cum. Makes you want to watch this special immediately, doesn’t it?

Halkias is a total natural at this stuff. I’ve never seen someone so chipper while being so self-deprecating. The first thing he says when he arrives on stage is “Look at this place, I don’t belong here.” He makes fun of the balcony patrons for looking like nerdy incel Gamestop employees; clearly they don’t belong there either. He makes it clear that he knows that he looks like a henchman in a Steven Seagal movie. It’s not all fat and ugly and nerdy and penis jokes, not really! Halkias spends some time talking tech, making the astute observation that people only think Elon Musk is smart because they can’t figure out his accent and that Neuralink is just going to put all of a person’s good memories behind a paywall (“Getting jacked off on the bus is a platinum-level memory”). He touches on his many trips around the country: there are people who look just like him all over Buffalo, there was a a guy in Phoenix who told Halkias that it wasn’t cool to tell jokes about being white, the girls in Tampa look like “the hottest girls at a bowling alley”. I laughed out loud that the white man’s Jesus is not only a tall white dude, he’s also a piece of ass! I chuckled sensibly when he said the airport cops on bikes hadn’t accosted a black teenager in a while, so they were a little cranky.

Halkias’ storytelling isn’t his strongest suit. The longest story involves an unpleasant confrontation at the desk at Delta Airlines, but most of it was dry with few actually good jokes peppered within. He does some decent crowd work, though, just like in his previous special. Here he makes fun of a guy who prowled Facebook looking for a “strong woman”, and he makes fun of another guy for getting broken up with. Both topics are mined for some comedy goodness, and Halkias’ own giggle is infectious. He seems to have fun with crowd work, he should do more of it.

Other jokes of note: Halkias couldn’t watch Squid Game after breaking up with a Korean girl because he just got mad at seeing any Korean person. Halkias is the “king of Walmart” because he can’t fit in anything from Macy’s or the Gap. Halkias joined the “Ten-Foot-High Club” which is where you beat off while everyone’s boarding the plane. And, of course, Halkias is saving getting pegged for marriage. He’s old-fashioned that way, you know.

Most of Halkias’ charm comes from the idea that he could be one of your funny friends. He’s loose and laid back, tells crude jokes about the internet and sex, and has the confidence that you wish you had. And since he’s already put out two specials in two years, I look forward to the next six before this decade is over.


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Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Son of Superman (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Son of Superman (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we meet little Jon Kent, son of the new Superman who is also conveniently named Clark. He conveniently has a wife named Lois, and they live on a modest farm. Clark farms, Lois writes, and Jon burns the family cat in front of the new neighbor girl.

At the end of the issue, Superman meets up with Wonder Woman and Batman to discuss his little boy. Superman stomps his way up to Jon’s room, strikes a menacing pose, and tells Jon that he’ll be coming with him.

Probably to kill him. Or torture him. Or feed him chili until he explodes. That’s the most delicious form of torture.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [September, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 2)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Superman is flying his son across an arctic wasteland at 9,000 mph, effectively reaching windchill of 0.3 Kelvin. “You’re shaking, Jon. Warm enough?”

He is not warm enough. He’s probably dying. Little Jon Kent asks his crazy father if he’s being turned over to the Justice League. Superman tells him that, actually, the Justice League was looking for him. It turns out that the rest aren’t entirely comfortable with a new Superman milling about.

Anyway, their little excursion is unrelated. During the meeting, a distress signal was calling them out from a Coast Guard icebreaker. And he wants Jon’s help even though Jon thinks this is a shit idea. Superman tells his son to man up and watch his dad work. From afar, though. Make yourself scarce.

The crew doesn’t know whether this Superman is here to help or hurt. Once Superman declares that the propeller on the submarine is fixed, the tension loosens up. “Thanks for your assistance,” says one member of the team tersely, all military-style. “It’s good to have… a Superman back.”

“Just doing my job, Captain,” Superman says smugly, shaking his hand. While they exchange pleasantries, a very loud WHAAAAMMM jars the lot of them. Then a FRRROOOSSSH. Then some insanely enormous squid tentacles rock the fuck out of the ship and crew. Jon Kent is worried! “DAD!” he screams!

Superman spends a few EPICALLY-ILLUSTRATED PAGES fighting the beast! The men clamor down into the submarine and intend to book it while Superman punches tentacles. There’s a lot of “urrnngh” and “JON LOOK OUT!” going on. Superman instructs his whelp to use his heat vision, which Jon exclaims that he doesn’t have. Superman tells him to use it anyway, liar.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

I dare you to hit me. I DARE you.

“Aim for this crystal contraption,” Superman says, revealing a convenient video game boss fight weakness. “It’s controlling the poor creature.”

Jon blasts his dad with his heat vision instead, lmao. Little Jonny cries because he’s afraid of hurting his dad, but Superman is like “HA HA, son, I’m indestructable and this actually feels like an orgasm!” Then he tells Jon to do it again, and don’t skimp on the temperature! The boy rips off his coat, revealing his own Superman shirt, and eventually focuses his energy on the so-called crystal contraption. It works. With a high-pitched SKREEEE, the beast collapses back in the water.

Now, who would have gone and done such a thing as install this so-called crystal contraption on the giant squid in the first place? Oh well, a mystery for another time, I guess! Jon says he had fun. Superman says “heh.”

“Now, about that shirt.”

“Cool, huh? Found it at the secondhand store in town with Mom. It’s got the ‘S’ on it and everything.”

“I can see that. So wearing the shield… for what… Superboy?” Superman smiles wryly.

Jon says HELL NO, that gig is for suckers! He just wanted to be like his old man is all. Shucks, sir.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With great power comes great sandwiches. Yada yada yada.

The heart-to-heart continues to the point where Jon gets sheepish and begins to admit to cooking the family cat. Superman knew; the smell of ozone lingered in the air for about seventeen hours. “It was an accident,” Jon whines. “And now Mom’s cat is dead because I didn’t listen. I’d give anything to take back what I did, but I can’t.”

That’s right you can’t, you little psychopath. But you can apologize before mom feeds you your own butt.

“Do you think Mom will be mad?”

“I think she’ll be proud.”

WHATEVER. I’d be fucking mad. No dessert for a year and the Xbox in the garbage.

As they fly home, some weird Superman shield made of lava pulls itself out of the ground jibber-jabbering. “PLASMA DETECTED. HOMO SAPIEN… KRYPTONIAN. SHARED GENOME. EARTHLING. ORIGIN OF GENOME IS FROM THE HOUSE OF EL.” Then it flies off into space and around the world. This is another one of those dumb things that happens in Superman comics and I’m going to hella ignore it for now.

Later, Jon sits up in a tree with his own thoughts until the new neighbor girl, Kathy Branden, shows up. “Hi, Jonathan,” she says with a slightly sad face.

Lois is tending to Clark’s back after it had gotten blasted with 9,000 degree heat. She chides him for bringing their boy along for the ride, but Clark insists that it was a nice teaching moment for him. Still, though, the boy needs to learn how to control his powers before someone, or something, else gets hurt.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

I’ll start by taking away all of his tube socks…

Kathy climbs the tree and cozies up next to Jon.

“How come you didn’t say anything about what I did to the cat?”

“I don’t know. Felt like something we should keep between us.”

That’s very kind of her. Keeping the cat homicide to themselves.

Lois tells Clark that his own bumpkin parents didn’t know shit about raising a boy with superpowers. At least Clark has the advantage.

“Are you scared?” Kathy asks.

“Of what?”

“Being able to do that – what you did with your eyes?”

“Sometimes… yeah… I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

“You won’t.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I can tell you’ve got a good heart.”

They’re gonna start fucking on that tree branch, aren’t they?

She touches her hand to his, and he squeezes the branch so hard that it breaks. She’s still on the tree. He falls.

Kathy grabs her grandfather who carries Jon’s lifeless body. After a quick rap on the Kents’ door, the situation becomes quite clear! JON IS DEAD!

…

DEAD TIRED OF FALLING OUT OF TREES!

But seriously, though, your son fell and is critically injured lol. He lost consciousness, probably landed right on his soft melon. The grandfather is named Cobb and he advises the Kents to have “Doc Brooks” look at him (Doc Brooks keeps a lot of lollipops in his underpants). Why, Grandpa Cobb will drive everyone over if’n you’d like.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Get the fuck out of my face, you saggy old overalls-wearing brainiac supervillain!

Cobb and Kathy walk away bewildered. Lois reassures them both that Jon will give them a call once he’s feeling better. Then she whips around to Clark and asks what the hell that was just then. Clark doesn’t answer, but he did his special Star Trek injury assessment scan and determined that Jonny Boy has a slight concussion, nothing more.

“I don’t understand how he could start having these powers but still scrape his knees and hurt his head,” Lois wonders concernedly.

“There’s only one place to get those answers, and that’s… THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.”

Yeah right, Clark. Just another excuse to have some private jerking-off time.

As they speak, the weird lava shield continues flying across the planet, homing in on the Fortress of Masturbation Solitude (roughly three miles within the Arctic Circle, not as far north as Santa Claus). “KRYPTONIAN ENERGY SIGNATURE RECOGNIZED. ACCESS GRANTED.”

The thing enters the Fortress and starts “assimilating”. By that, I mean it latches onto Clark’s glasses and Daily Planet badge (both inexplicably in the Fortress instead of Clark’s house). Then it forms some large lava-faced figure of Superman.

“WE ARE HERE. WE WILL SAVE YOU, TOO, KAL-EL.”

Final Thoughts

Whatever. At least Batman is about real-life crime that makes sense most of the time. Every Superman comic is loaded with weird alien bullshit that seems to be made up on the fly. Lava Supermen? How many Supermen are there going to be?

I want to see Gingerbread Superman. Delicious.


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Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #153

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #153!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #153 [March, 1965]

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

”Language Barrier”

Welcome to the prehistoric era! Caveman Archie holds down his own while Caveman Reggie gets whapped by a brontosaurus. OR APATOSAURUS, IF YOU WILL. Maybe it’s actually a diplodocus. It’s a big honkin’ dinosaur, at any rate, and the boys are getting trounced trying to fight the thing. In the distance, Cavewoman Betty and Cavewoman Veronica watch the carnage. “I guess we’d better go help!” says Caveman Betty.

The cavegirls walk right up the dinosaur and shout “VAMOOSE!”, which caused it to run away yipping like a dog with its tail between its legs. The caveboys are impressed, especially with that mysterious word “VAMOOSE!”

“Maybe we should use it in our language!” says CaveArchie.

“You have a language?” asks CaveRonnie.

“We’re making one up!” responds CaveArchie.

Then they all realize that they’re all speaking the same language and how, pray tell, did everyone learn it? Well, they all made it up! And it happens to be the God’s English.

Now things have gone tribal! Don’t use your language, that’s my language! Use another language! But you guys are stealing my language! Language language language! It’s lost all meaning!

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

Hell yeah! Hurt me more, Cavelady! Hurt me!

Misunderstandings abound. CaveArchie says he’s going to give CaveBetty a kiss when he means punch. When CaveBetty beans him over the head with her club, CaveArchie complains about his hurt foot. When CaveReggie sees fire over the river, he calls it water. Well, the cavegirls are getting really tired of this shit and they throw both CaveArchie and CaveReggie into the river. “That— is water!” claims CaveBetty.

By now I’m laughing really hard at the antics from 1965. This shit’s better than the fucking Flintstones! Or worse! I haven’t made a decision yet.

Caveboys think the Cavegirls are “dumb funny-looking animals” and are definitely not savory-looking to fuck for them apparently.

“Stupid creatures,” gripes CaveArchie. “I wonder what they are anyway.”

“Who cares!” responds CaveReggie. “They’ll be extinct in no time!”

Then the caveboys decide to fish for some “birds” until a stegosaurus scares the shit out of them. “KRAAAGH!” it says, scaring the caveshit out of their cavediapers.

But CaveArchie has an idea…

“VAMOOSE!” he bellows toward the beast! And verily, it runs away like a dog you just smacked on the nose with a rolled up baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it. “Son of a gun!” says CaveReggie. “Maybe they’ve got something going for them after all!”

SO THEY FIND THE CAVEGIRLS IN THEIR CAVEGIRL CAVE AND START LEARNING BETTER ENGLISH! CAVEBETTY GIVES CAVEARCHIE THE OL’ “FUCK ME” EYES! THE END!

”The Get Together”

Archie overhears his bald, fat father speaking to Mr. Lodge about something. Very curious! Mr. Andrews hates Mr. Lodge, right? He once sprayed his eyes with pepper spray and then lopped off his testicles. You don’t make friends that way.

“Before you hang up, could I speak to Veronica?” Archie asks hopefully.

“I’LL SEE!” responds Pops, pants full of angry diarrhea.

Well, in the end Mr. Andrews decides that his son is worthy of friendly communication with the opposite sex. But they’re both very nervous! Their dads are talking? To each other? Fishy fishy!

They both meet up outside at a safe, neutral location.

“What do you think they’re up to?” asks Archie.

“It sounds like total war!” responds Veronica.

“They never joined forces before!”

“Somehow we’ve pushed them too far!”

At school the next day, Jughead offers a very reasonable explanation: “Perhaps they just want to see each other!”

Go fuck yourself, Jughead.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

Laugh track plays so long that the audience dies of starvation.

Archie keeps calling Veronica stuff like “baby” and “angel” so they must be boning these days while Betty eats Salisbury steaks with Jughead. Meanwhile, Reggie quietly jerks off in the corner of his dusty, cobwebbed bedroom.

OH MAN, WHAT NOW?! They oversee Principal Weatherbee, of all people, on the phone with Archie’s dad! “Certainly, Andrews!” he says with unnecessary gruffness. “And it’s all right with Lodge, too?”

Oh man. The adults are going to strap chastity belts on all the children. Say it ain’t so! Time to spread the word around the school before it’s too late!

“No foolin’?”

“Banding together, eh?”

These are the two mild reactions from the most mild-looking of mild nerds in the school. One kid looks like 35-year-old Bill Nye.

“We’ve got just three days to nip their plan in the bud!” rallies Veronica. So here’s their plan: everyone be nice! OK? Be on your best behavior! OK? Be good little girls and boys so that the issue can end with all the dads winking at each other for causing their kids to be good for the rest of the week. Calling it now.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

I’ll lower the boom on you, kiddo. I’ll dip that boom right onto you. Just plop that boom.

So, three days later, Principal Weatherbee is as suspicious as a cat in the snake in the house in the grass. Miss Grundy is particularly unnerved by the peace and quiet AND the perfect attendance. “Not one sneaky prowler pussyfooting around the halls!” Weatherbee observes. “By George, they’re not going to get away with it!”

Weatherbee invites a literally quivering Mr. Andrews and Mr. Lodge to his office. “I’m afraid I’ll have to bow out of our little hunting trip,” Weatherbee tells them. They both continue quivering. “The students must have found out I was taking Friday off! They’re planning some monstrous mischief!”

By George! “So that’s it!” Mr. Andrews quivers. “Archie’s been helping around the house something fierce!

Mr. Lodge quivers! “Veronica’s been in bed early! — With her homework done!”

WELL, LET’S NIP THIS IS THE BUD RIGHT NOW! Time to fuck their world up with POP QUIZZES and TAKE-HOME EXAMS and YARD WORK and FORCED SLAVERY and BREAKING CHILD LABOR LAWS and PLENTY OF CANINGS.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

Our dads got us drunk!

”Dullsville”

“Nothing ever happens in Riverdale!” says Archie as the car he’s in gets filled with water exploding from under the fire hydrant he just knocked loose with the fucking car he’s in. That’s pretty funny, actually.

“It’s Dullsville from the minute I get up in the morning…” *falls out of bed*

“The dismal routing existence begins right away…” *pulls faucet handle off of sink*

“I breakfast quietly as not to disturb dad…” *pours coffee on Dad’s penis*

“I unobtrusively slip out the door…” *slams door, Mom drops dishes*

Then it’s off to school where even more no-fun happens!

“I wish something would happen, but nothing ever does!” *circus van full of animals plows into tree at 300 mph*

“I wish I lived in a big city where excitement reigns…” *escaped ape kidnaps Jughead*

The ape makes friends with Jughead, who offers the ape a banana. The ape then follows Jughead to school and runs amok around the halls. Archie is oblivious to all this.

“School! Need I say more? Not exactly a beehive of activity!” *Miss Grundy gets scared by the ape and leaps out of a 115-story window like the 9/11 falling man*

“Believe me, I don’t know how I drag myself through each deadly, dull day! — Nothing ever happens in Riverdale!”

Thank you for the insight, Archie. In fact, you’re so correct that I’m not even going to feature a panel from this story! You got your wish, fucker.

”The Ingrate”

Archie’s gonna race Jughead to the Chock’lit Shoppe, and the loser has to spread their buttcheeks in public and make it say “I ATE YOUR MOM’S PUUUUUUSSSSYYY!!!”

They’re already speeding away like the Road Runner before Archie’s mom has a chance to catch her son’s attention. “Oooh! That boy!”

“What did he do this time, Mary?” Archie’s father asks, belly distended with malnourishment, I gather.

“Nothing! That’s the point!”

OH! Well, lady, then fuck off! Leave Archie alone!

Oh, never mind. Archie literally does nothing. He doesn’t take the garbage out or wash his dishes or clear out the browser history after dad watches too many movies about sweaty men.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 153

You’re right, Mary. His room looks like a teenager from 1965 lives in it! That won’t do at all!

“I’m going to retrieve our wayward boy!” Dad screams, donning his best outdoor hat. “It’s about time that young ingrate was taught a lesson!

I guess the problem here, as you can see from the panel, is that it’s Mrs. Andrews’ birthday and Archie hasn’t said so much as a “you look like a monkey and you smell like one too” to her. WELL, NUTS TO THAT! Mr. Andrews is going to boot his son in the butt until he gives his mother a pinch to grow an inch!

Archie’s Dad gets directed all over town by everyone who saw him last. He passes through the woods, he falls into the creek walking along the stepping stones, he makes a hearty ass of himself every which way! Meanwhile, the Andrews homestead is visited by a custom cleaning service on Archie’s dime! And after a team of able-bodied, sweaty men (if only Mr. Andrews were here!) cleans the whole house top-to-bottom, they sing a special birthday message from their soulless redheaded spawn himself!

Finally, Mr. Andrews catches up with Archie looking worse for wear. “Your mother has a few choice words to say to you,” he growls, grabbing his son by the arm and dragging his ass back home.

When Archie gets home, his mother calls him wonderful. Well, sir, Mr. Andrews just about leaps out of his pants in surprise!

*laugh track*

PRODUCED BY DEAN PELTON. COPYRIGHT D. PELTON CARTOON PRODUCTIONS

Final Thoughts

Dear Archie, I’ve been a fan for decades. It would mean the world to me if you could post my letter in your next issue. –Love, Sally

THANKT YOU FOR YOUR FOR YOURE CONRTIBUTION, SALLYL! I AHVE AND BECASUE I HAVE IA HEEEVVE I HAVE TO THNK YOU! YOU A DN READER SLIKE YOUR AND YOU AND ARE THE BEST!! ! AND IF AI OAGJ IAND IF YOU ARE YOU CAN DO HAVE REPLY FOR ME AND MEEEE AND ME TO HAEV ALL TAHT YOU AND YOIU NEED, PLEASENTENJOY ARCHIEB ISSUE #17919 NEXT WEEK THANSK –ARRHCIE


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51 – “Shadow Puppets”

* Part 6 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51 – “Shadow Puppets”! In the previous installment, a mysterious, villainous woman dressed as a black cat skulks a Chrysler building in order to (successfully) steal… something that looks like the Rosetta stone? Spider-Man fails to thwart her. He’s bummed.

Peter Parker considers hanging up the ol’ Spider-Man jockstrap, which MJ approves. They both profess their love with one another, but then MJ’s alcoholic dad shows up to go “you little ssshitss can’t, uh, aren’t gonna… you little sshhittsss can’t see eashotehr anymrt zzzzzzzz”, which is a real buzzkill.

A news report shows Spider-Man as an “accomplice” to the thieving black cat lady. More bad news for America’s Frowniest Teenager.

Let’s rejoin the action!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51 [February, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Shadow Puppets”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51

Spider-Man looks like he’s sticking his package right into Black Cat’s face. This one is certainly not for the kids.

In the office where the Rosetta Stone-type tablet was stolen, a goateed man named Mr. Moore gets slightly berated by a slick, smooth Mr. Dini, Fisk’s righthand man. They finish watching the news clip of Spider-Man and Black Cat cavorting around the rooftops. Moore is asked where the tablet went, and his answer is “uh, sir, as you can see from the video, uhh…”

“You understand our disappointment,” Dini says to a boggling Moore. “A promise has been broken.”

“Uh, you see, you’re putting me in an awkward position here, Mr. Dini.”

“Awkward for whom?”

“See–”

“The tablet means nothing to us unless all the pieces are–”

“See, that’s what puts me in an awkward position. I mean, I came to you. I said I could get this tablet piece you’re missing. You put out the word that you’re looking for this—this ancient text thing—And I said I know people who could not only locate this rare antiquity, but they could get it here, to the city–”

Sounds to me like Mr. Moore is doing a little too much jibber-jabbering and not enough tablet-having! What Moore was hoping for was to develop a relationship with the Kingpin by making this tablet offer, you know?

Well, Mr. Wilson “Kingpin Was a Funny Movie” Fisk is very very very disappointed that the promise was broken, as was already said, you old chatterbox broad you. Moore stands by his point that HE FOUND IT AND HAD IT AND NOW IT’S MISSING. He FOUND it and HAD it, goddamnit! And some kid in his jammies steals it? Not his fucking problem, hoss.

There’s a lot of this kind of back-and-forth. Moore insinuates that Kingpin’s people stole it. I mean, no one knows about it except him, Fisk and Dini. What else could have happened? Huh? Hmm? Eh? Wuh?

But why would Fisk steal something they were going to get for free anyway? Hmm? Eh? Buh?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51

Cork it, Colonel Sanders.

Dini doesn’t want to hear any more of it. Get the tablet tonight or you’ll be slurping soup through your butthole in intensive care.

“Call this number,” Dini says, handing him a piece of paper. “No one will answer. Leave a message. Someone will call you back and name a place and time and tell you how much to bring. When you meet this person, don’t give names. Don’t speak about anything other than the task at hand. Loose lips and all that…”

Moore stares sadly at the piece of paper. He doesn’t understand what the hell is happening right now. He wants out. He wants out and he’s pooping his pants and why can’t things return to normal and oh god the poop…

“You came to Mr. Fisk with a promise.” Mr. Dini stares at Moore like he’s about to hate-kiss him. “I think you best follow through with that promise. As I’m sure you have heard, he doesn’t take well to disappointment.”

Eep! Arp! Ook! Moore pushes back again now, demands to know what’s so dang special about this tablet. He is met with a scowl for an answer. And then when asked if he knows anything about Spider-Man, Dini says he’s the most dangerous man on the face of the earth.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51

“Danger” is his middle name! One of his middle names, at least. The other one is “Agnes”.

In school, as you can see, Parker is behaving rather dangerously. His teacher gets right up in his sleeping face and startles him so badly he falls backwards in his chair. Detention! Cancel your Saturday plans of (EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME, NOW) jeeeerrking offffff!!

After class, Parker moans about not being able to sleep well the previous night. Too much anxiety. Too bad MJ’s not a shoulder to cry bitter tears upon anymore, because her dad put the kibosh on that, boy, did he ever. He’s getting ready to put her into private school where they wear plaid skirts and get hit with rulers by sexually repressed nuns. Parker gets salty, then they fight a little in front of everyone in the hallway. MJ starts crying and runs off. Gwen is in the background soaking all of it in…

After school, Parker frowns at his work computer. Robbie “Robbie” Robinson approaches with a fat stack of papers — personal ads — for him to log into the server, which sounds like a lot of work to me. Sounds like a lot of busy work. Sounds like—hey, what’s this? This one envelope has more money than he’s ever seen in his life! Who’s sending this in? The pope?

“Spider Spider. I was intrigued by our last meeting. Were you? Life is too short. We should explore this. Meet me one roof over from last. ‘The Cat.’”

Parker stares like someone gingerly placed a honeydew melon into his anus.

Elsewhere, a trenchcoated Mr. Moore enters an empty bar. Deep in the shadows, in the back of the bar, is his contact. It’s a woman. She holds out a hand. “I already know what the job is. Did you bring the money?”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51

Hey, you’re not Jennifer Garner!

A-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUHH. “Well, uh, how are you going to find them? This Spider-Man and this other girl?”

Shut it, nerd. Not for you to care about. You already done fucked up, so you’re out of the picture right now. “We’re done for today,” she says, sliding the bulging envelope of money toward herself. Moore is bold enough to tell this woman that she’s very attractive and asks for her name.

She actually answers him for some reason and tells him to get out before she pepper sprays his eyes into the eighth circle of Hell. He obliges and probably gets killed somewhere, idk. Hopefully. He looks like he deserves to get his brains splattered all over the sidewalk.

Peter Parker lays forlornly on his bed. It’s about 10:30pm, and he decides to give MJ a ring on her LANDLINE. Idiot. Her father picks up and Parker hangs up. Get a cellphone. Hey, you guys live next door, get some string and a couple of cups.

Parker now has visions of Black Cat looking all buxom and sultry in her leather suit. He gets this odd gleam in his eye. Time to meet up with this sexy piece and see if he can get his dick a little wet, youknowwhatimsayin? “What I should do is meet her and tell her that stealing is wrong,” he says to himself, smiling like some kind of smitten nine-year-old. “Meeting her just to talk is ok.”

Next thing you know, Spider-Man is swinging all around the city looking for pussy. He wonders if this is just a trap. Some kind of sick joke. And…

He finds her sitting on the edge of a building on top of a blanket with wine and cheese. “Oh hey…” she looks up, smiling. “You came.”

Oh, he came all right.

Came suspiciously. He wants to know what’s going on and what she wants. She wants to just talk. “I don’t meet that many interesting guys,” she claims.

“You robbed a guy’s office.”

“Not a nice guy’s office.”

“And then beat the snot out of me…”

“Knee jerk reaction.”

“And now you want to go on like what. A date with me? Up here?”

“I brought wine. Which was actually really hard to get all the way up here.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #51

Cat’s gettin’ his tongue!

She removes her mask and flashes her a winning smile. “Hi.”

…

“Well, I guess I can stay for a minute,” Spider-Man says finally. He takes off his own mask… from his chin to his nose. They clink glasses, but shit is already cut short by his tingly Spidey Sense. Through the air, toward them, flies a sai. You know a sai, right? Raphael uses them! You know Raphael, right? You had fucking better.

Spidey pulls Black Cat down on top of him just in time. They’re basically scissoring each other now.

Elektra shows up to ruin the party.

Final Thoughts

Why anyone may have any interest, romantic or otherwise, in stinky Peter Parker is beyond my understanding. I hope Elektra pounds Black Cat into a kitty coma and then flicks Spider-Man into the middle of a lake.


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Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

Tagline:
Before they could stand together, they had to stand alone.

Wide Release Date:
February 27, 1987

Directed by:
Howard Deutch
Written by:
John Hughes
Produced by:
John Hughes

Starring:
Eric Stoltz
Mary Stuart Masterson
Lea Thompson
Craig Sheffer

Some Kind of Wonderful

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Nothing like a John Hughes movie to really hammer some rich suburban white kid problems with heavy doses of coming-of-age nostalgia into your brain! I didn’t even know this movie existed until I was browsing Hughes’ filmography. A John Hughes teen movie without any core Brat Pack members? What is this, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?

I’m not big on Eric Stoltz, but Lea Thompson and Mary Stuart Masterson are both cute. Let’s do it.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Yo, it’s a John Hughes movie! There’s a high school with rich kids and poor kids and the rich kids look down on the poor kids. Keith (Eric Stoltz and his majestic butt-chin) is kind of a poor kid. He’s a senior in high school with an interest in artistry and no interest in going to college even though his dad Cliff (John Ashton) really wants him to. Keith’s best friend is tomboy and drummer Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson), who has no first name because it’s probably something really stupid like “Geraldine”.

In a typical John Hughes coming-of-age story fashion, Keith is hopelessly in love with popular girl Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson), who is currently dating rich and popular enormous douchebag Hardy (Craig Sheffer). Watts thinks Keith’s crush on Amanda is a stupid waste of time, considering they are nothing alike. Nonetheless, Keith spends a lot of time drawing pictures of Amanda. Meanwhile, Hardy is a total dickhead to Amanda and is screwing around on her besides! Keith’s ploy to get into detention with Amanda backfires, but he makes friends with the school’s local skinheaded delinquent Duncan (Elias Koteas).

Some Kind of Wonderful

Nice use of your own blood as the paint, my good man.

Getting thoroughly FED UP, Amanda breaks up with Hardy. The opportunist Keith swoops in majestically to ask her out, and Amanda agrees almost entirely to spite Hardy. This makes Watts, who is in love with Keith, jealous. She continues to dissuade Keith into a relationship with Amanda, but Keith is like “my penis!” so that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Once Keith’s popularity skyrockets while Amanda’s popularity groundplummets, Hardy decides to “invite Keith to his party” so that “he and the boys” can “beat the shit out of him.” Keith, in all his infinite wisdom, decides to take Hardy up on because he’s going to get the shit beaten out of him anyway. Why not publicly?

Keith steals money from his college fund to buy earrings for Amanda for the very stupid reason of proving his worth. Watts has one more genius ploy in her back pocket: pretend to help Keith practice kissing. Keith is dumb enough to fall for this earnestly. Watts is dumb enough to be into Keith in the first place. With his new kissing diploma received, Keith hits the town!

Some Kind of Wonderful

Oh, Keith… you taste like Doritos…

…but before Keith can finish getting ready for his date, his dad starts hollering at him about emptying his college fund to buy some stupid rocks. In an extremely unrealistic and overwrought scene, Keith convinces his dad to let him be his own person and let him find his own way. And if that means ruining his future, then so be it! Dad concedes rather genially.

So Keith and Amanda go on their date while Watts acts as their bitching and moaning chauffer (chauffeuse?). There’s a tense dinner, then a trip to the Weird Paintings of Amanda art museum, then Keith gives Amanda the bitchin’ earrings and they kiss on an amphitheater stage while Watts watches jealously from the seats. They finally go to Hardy’s party, and instead of getting the everloving shit beaten out of him, Keith’s skinhead buddy Duncan arrives with his criminal friends to take the party to another level! Keith gets the last laugh! Amanda slaps Hardy! Hardy is totally humiliated at his own house! Justice is served!

Outside Hardy’s house, Watts can’t handle the evening anymore and walks away from the car crying. Amanda suddenly realizes that Keith and Watts have feelings for each other and gives Keith back the earrings. Keith suddenly realizes that he and Watts have feelings for each other and goes after Watts. Watts accepts Keith’s sloppy seconds and the movie ends.

Some Kind of Wonderful

Here’s some money, sweetheart. Go rent a better movie.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

This movie kinda sucks. As the story goes, John Hughes’ and Howard Deutch’s original ending for Pretty in Pink had Molly Ringwald’s character end up with her best friend Jon Cryer instead of rich douchebag Andrew McCarthy. They were salty because test audiences didn’t like pretty little Molly Ringwald ending up with some pit-stain dork like Cryer, so they begrudgingly changed it. This was their opportunity the basically rewrite the movie with the ending they wanted. And they did, almost to a T. It’s the same damn movie with the last three minutes adjusted.

A lot of this movie seems rushed, and Keith seems kind of dumb. Personally, I don’t think he deserves either girl in the end. He’s not the only problem, though. Amanda is completely devoid of personality, and Watts is supposed to be counting on Keith figuring it out without outright telling him. For such a tomboy women-can-do-anything woke-ass 1987 perspective, she doesn’t seem to embrace the notion that women can ask dudes out. She should’ve said something. Pretty slick though on the “let’s kiss for practice” scene. Keith didn’t even realize what was going on. Watts deserves better than that dud. She’s way cooler than him, plus she hits those drums like nobody’s business. She’s also the best character by eight miles.

Some Kind of Wonderful

Sorry Amanda Jones, you’re fired!

Eric Stoltz puts on a bland performance as, oh yeah, the main protagonist. Do you watch this giving a shit about him at all? The only time he shows even a little spice is during his argument with his dad, which is so mind-bendingly stupid and devoid of a grounded moral that I having a hard time wrapping my head around the point of the scene. Dad hollers at Keith for dipping into his college fund to buy very expensive earrings, and Keith argues back that he is never trusted to make his own decisions. And Dad just caves? Keith doesn’t make a single good decision in the entire flick. Chasing a girl for the wrong reasons, deciding to go to the ex-boyfriend’s house to stand up for himself? Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Some Kind of Wonderful‘s saving grace is Duncan, the skinheaded cutoff-sleeved leather jacket-wearing skull-and-crossbones-tattooed troubled youth. He and Keith form a respectable bond during their time in detention, which was the funniest part of the movie for me. At one point they show each other their artwork, Duncan’s being a drawing of a skeleton with a head of hair. “This is what my girlfriend would look like without skin.” Hilarious! Misogynistic! Devastatingly creepy!

TOPIC 2 — John Hughes

I’ll have plenty of time to talk about John Hughes after I watch all sorts of other movies written by John Hughes, but now is a good time to mention this little tidbit I found on Wikipedia:

Actor Ben Stein, who was a close friend to Hughes, has also stated that Hughes was an “ardent Republican and extreme conservative. He believed Reagan could transform all of us into Ferris Buellers. Ferris was an artifact of a free era. Ronald Reagan was all about freedom.”

That is all.

Some Kind of Wonderful

Both D.J. Tanner from Full House and Older Sister Horsey Face say that John Hughes sucks!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Howard Deutch and Lea Thompson fell in love while filming this film, and have been married since 1989.
A 10-year age difference isn’t too terrible, I guess. Better than Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford in more ways than one. OK, I approve!

The role of Keith Nelson was written with Eric Stoltz in mind.
Sir, you’re perfect for this dull and bland role! You won’t even have to act! Zing!

Molly Ringwald was offered the role of Amanda Jones, but refused it, ending her successful relationship with John Hughes.
Yeah, this is funny. Ringwald said that the role of Amanda Jones seemed too close to her role as Claire Standish in The Breakfast Club. John Hughes was apparently so fucking furious with her, so goddamned fucking furious that he never wanted to work with her again! Molly Ringwald metaphorically kicked the dude right in the dick and balls, shooting them up into space! Well, joke’s on Hughes. He’s the dead one!

Most of the extras in the film that play the “bad kids” in the detention scene, and around campus, weren’t thugs at all. They were football players from the various high schools in the area.
Don’t worry, audience. The “bad kids” weren’t thugs at all. Grandma, you can come out of hiding now. Everything’s okay.

Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson, Elias Koteas and Molly Hagan were all born in 1961 making them all 24 or 25 when they were playing high schoolers.
Welcome to a John Hughes movie, is this your first time?

Some Kind of Wonderful

Welcome to high school! Here’s a copy of your homeowner’s insurance policy.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I’d call this a slight improvement over Pretty in Pink because there’s no Duckie, but it’s the same movie done over again. You can skip it if you want to, I won’t tell anybody.


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