Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Last Days (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Last Days (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, a handsome sumbitch named Kamran enters Kamala’s life for about six hours before he reveals himself to be Inhuman too. And not just any Inhuman, one of them jerk Inhumans who thinks he’s better than actual humans. Ms. Marvel fucks his shit up.

These are the final few issues of the Marvel NOW! Ms. Marvel series. You best believe I’ll be moving onto some other Kamala Khan stories in the near future. That girl has got it goin’ on.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 [August, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 1)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

On the Jersey City Waterfront (where it smells like hot garbage), Kamala talks about how she hasn’t contacted Kamran in any way for three weeks, two days, and seventeen hours. But who’s counting?

“It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started processing my feelings with random strangers,” she thinks as she bugs people on the street about heartbreak and hopelessness. A laugh riot! She crams a hot dog full of onions and tomatoes and lettuce in her gaping maw. Kamala has been bingeing on hot dogs lately and it’s not a pretty sight. “Every day I wake up, and for a second, I forget. And for that second, it’s fine. I feel normal. Then I remember. After that comes the panic attack.”

The hot dog vendor is like “uh-huh” as she continues pouring her heart out about this one kid she knew for 10 hours before he turned out to be a horrible jerkass.

Like a drunk at a bar, she gets cut off from the hot dogs. She stumbles away from the cart looking like she’s about to shit her teenage pants. Then she realizes the crowd is running the hell away from something! Godzilla, or maybe Jeff Goldblum? Something happened in the Financial District! It came from the sky! Oh god! Oh god!

Kamala runs the opposite way, likely intending to be some sort of hero about town. Terrorists? Aliens? Helicopters hover over the waterfront. “I’ve never seen panic like this before. What could possibly be this terrifying?”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

WOOZLE WAZZLE WUZZLE! BOOGITY BOOGITY!!

Kamala leaps under the dock and surreptitiously becomes Ms. Marvel, the awkward lanky teenager we’ve all come to “enjoy”. The crowd continues stammering and stuttering about the huge thing in the sky coming right toward them. Ms. Marvel enlongs her feet in order to float herself across the river – essentially walking across water like Jesus. Jesus did that, right? He did something at least.

“I don’t get it. There’s no smoke, no fire, no loud explosions. None of the things I was afraid of. Just a bunch of people freaking out for no discernible reason.” I’M TELLING YOU, LADY, IT’S JEFF FREAKIN’ GOLDBLUM! And he’s wearing a gray suit!

She crosses the border into New York City, which is glowing red. She looks up all like “whuzzat” and it’s a giant red planet! Like, so close that it’s just about landing on their heads! And, as I recall, this business all kicked off in New Avengers, but since I read that like two years ago I don’t remember anything that happened anymore! Feel free to skim at your own leisure.

“When I said a broken heart feels like the end of the world… this isn’t quite what I was talking about,” she thinks as she gapes at the gargantuan planetary mass hanging over her. Curious that she couldn’t see it until she ended up in Manhattan. What gives?

She decides to turn around and get ahead of the crowd. Meanwhile, at the Circle Q, Bruno and his brother Bald Hat stand out front holding baseball bats trying to fend off any punks who try to steal Twinkies and lottery tickets. Ms. Marvel appears and asks what all the hubbub is over here. Bald Hat Brother is like “blhablhabhalbahbab!! Riots!” Bruno asks what’s going on, and Ms. Marvel starts talking crazy talk about planets heading straight for Earth and they’ve got to do something before Earth is destroyed! Maybe she can get over to New Attilan! Talk to Queen Medusa! Maybe she can get off of her hedonistic ass for ten minutes and figure something out! Meanwhile, hunker down in the school. It was built to withstand robot attacks so it’s a good a place as any to duck and cover under 5.97×1023 kg celestial objects!

“Hey — come with us. It’s nuts out there,” Bruno says, trying to keep Ms. Marvel close because HE HAS A CRUSH ON HER, OOOOOOOOOHHHH. But she can’t. Someone has to go find some answers. This is probably Iron Man’s fault. It’s always Iron Man’s fault.

So she takes her leave and stomps down the streets again.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

She said, adding to the chaos.

Ms. Marvel heads to Grove Street to make sure her family is ok. She enters her house to find it BEREFT OF FAMILY MEMBERS. Empty. Well… almost empty.

“Where is everybody?” Kamala says.

“They’re all fine,” answers a voice. “For now.”

It’s Kamran in a shitty turtleneck, looking sexy as a kick in the titty. Kamala is about to giant-fist him in the face until he tells her that her parents are upstairs “taking a little nap”. As in, he zapped them with his zappy powers. LOL! And for Aamir, Kamala’s shiftless brother, he’s somewhere safe and about to be exposed to an ultra-concentrated dose of Terrigen Mist! Isn’t that just the bee’s knees? You see, Aamir might be Inhuman too! He was in the basement of the mosque when the Terrigen Bomb dropped, so he wasn’t exposed. It’s exposure time! 50-50 shot at developing powers here, let’s gooooooo!

“If you join us on the right side of history… maybe he will,” Kamran says. And here I am thinking that we were done with this nerd. Kamala insists that Aamir’s a loser who would never agree to help Kamran and his kind. And Kamran’s about two sentences away from Fist City, so he better wise up tout suite!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Again, hello? You knew him for 10 hours before he went into Cunt Mode.

“We could have done great things together,” he says. “You were the one who decided to walk away.” Kamran says that Kamala’s problem is that she doesn’t use the chaos to her advantage. She’s going to try to save people in Manhattan and then fail at it! He’s going to treat it like a convenient distraction and Inhumanize some motherfuckers.

Abu and Ammi come downstairs dazed and confused. Someone spiked their tea with fentanyl! Kamala is like, oh good, you’re alive! Now run away, there’s something happening in New York City and it’s not another pesky 9/11. Go to the school, Bruno will take good care of you. He’s holding a bat!

Abu is like “fuck off, dear”, but Kamala doesn’t have time for Abu’s fat shenanigans. Time to find Aamir before he gets Misted like that movie about the mist. I think it’s called The Mist? But first she has to make sure the school is secure. Ugh, being a superhero is too hard! I wish I were an ice cream taste tester!

At the school, the jocks and the geeks are coming together for a common goal: staving off rioters. But then something very comic-booky happens: two whale-like creatures pop out of the ground. “You are about to be pwned by Loki, God of Mischief. All hail Loki.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Once again, G. Willow Wilson has her finger on the pulse of Gen Z internet language.

These two creatures, summoned by Loki, or are Loki, continue chasing the rioters until they catch up with Ms. Marvel who is like “?”. Then Ms. Marvel asks Bruno and Co. what the situation is at the school. And it’s basically “50 people have Cheetos to eat”, so everything is quite hunky dory. Ms. Marvel walks into the gymnasium and everyone is like “YAY MS. MARVEL!” even though none of this will stop a planet attack. But whatever.

Ms. Marvel continues crying about how her two-minute crush betrayed her, then she goes on the roof to scope things out further. “Why does everything have to be so hard? When does it get easier? I need to pull it together. I’ll get a little fresh air, I’ll stop crying and I’ll make a plan.”

“Looks like you could use some backup,” says a voice from behind as Ms. Marvel stares at the orange sky. “Nice uniform.” It’s Captain Marvel, the former Ms. Marvel. “Still not sure how I feel about the name.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Final Thoughts

I understand the sentiment, but everyone’s dumb for thinking that hanging out in the school gym for no reason and drinking Mountain Dew is going to help anything.

This is too big for Ms. Marvel, so luckily a bunch of other useless Avengers are going to show up! I’m expecting a real meeting of the minds. Hulkface and Captain “Butt Brains” America are a good start as well.


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St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)

Tagline:
The passion burns deep.

Wide Release Date:
June 28, 1985

Directed by:
Joel Schumacher
Written by:
Joel Schumacher, Carl Kurlander
Produced by:
Lauren Shuler

Starring:
Rob Lowe
Demi Moore
Emilio Estevez
Ally Sheedy
Judd Nelson
Mare Winningham
Andrew McCarthy

St. Elmo's Fire

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Is this the quintessential Brat Pack movie? Or is that The Breakfast Club? St. Elmo’s Fire sure is jam-packed with these attractive dorks, though. You’ve got Ally Sheedy. What’s-his-name. Rob Lowe sure looks like he’s wearing a lot of makeup…

I don’t know a damn thing about this movie! Maybe I should shut my yap.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Seven members of the Brat Pack have just graduated college! Kirby (Emilio Estevez) is a waiter at St. Elmo’s Bar with a creepy infatuation. Billy (Rob Lowe) plays saxophone in the bar for money and girls and is a fucking loser. Kevin (Andrew McCarthy) barely writes for the Washington Post and is cynical and depressed. Jules (Demi Moore) is an international banker with a coke addiction. Alec (Judd Nelson) works for a Republican congressman and has a penchant for promiscuity. Leslie (Ally Sheedy) is a prospective architect who doesn’t want to marry Alec. Wendy (Mare Winningham) is a social worker who is kind of a dork with no discernible personality.

St. Elmo's Fire

We’re a whole bunch of loveable screwballs!!

What follows is a veritable comedy of errors. Enjoy my long paragraph. Billy drives drunk and nearly kills Wendy. While at the hospital, Kirby talks to his college crush Dale (Andie MacDowell) who works there as an intern. Billy loses the job that Alec helped him get. Alec pressures Leslie into marrying him while admitting to Kevin that he is having sex with other women. Billy crashes at Kirby and Kevin’s apartment to get away from his wife. Wendy admits to Billy that she’s a virgin, and before a sexy time happens she gets self-conscious and wants to remain platonic friends. Jules admits to Leslie that she’s having an affair with her boss. During a show at the bar, Billy sees his wife with another man and starts a fight. Jules insists to Leslie and Wendy that everything is under control with her life even with her affair and her constant spending. Kirby starts working as an assistant for a rich Korean guy and immediately throws a party at his house to impress Dale, who doesn’t show up. Wendy starts a relationship with a man named Howie and brings him to the party. Alec announces loudly to the party that he and Leslie are engaged, which isn’t true and pisses her off. Her hunch about his cheating is correct and the two break up. Billy tries to feel up Jules during a ride home. Kirby stalks Dale at a ski lodge where she and her boyfriend are staying. He kisses her very inappropriately and leaves. After the breakup, Leslie crashes at Kevin/Kirby’s apartment and discovers that Kevin has, like, hundreds of pictures of her. Instead of finding this creepy, she indulges in Kevin’s infatuation with her and they do a fuck. Alec catches them the next morning. Jules loses her job and her money and she barricades herself in her apartment to try to freeze to death near an open window. The rest of the group tries to save her from herself. Alec almost kills Kevin by hanging him over a fire escape. Billy busts into the apartment and makes Jules feel better.

St. Elmo's Fire

Look, kid. Test your luck in Pretty in Pink next time.

Wendy moves out of her parents’ house. Billy intends to move to New York City. When they say bye to him at the bus station, Leslie tells both Kevin and Alec that she wants to be alone for a little while. Kevin and Alec kiss and make up. Everyone is happy at the end for some reason and, thankfully, the movie is over.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Why I Hated Every Character

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Rob Lowe – The movie begins with Lowe’s character driving drunk and almost killing Mare Winningham’s character. Hilarious, right?! Lowe laughs it off, so we the audience laugh it off, too! Ha ha ha! Never mind the fact that he pretty much date rapes Demi Moore, he also gives Mare Winningham shit for being a virgin and then does her a favor by taking her virginity? Oh, but he plays the saxophone, so that’s cool. The only redeeming action this piece of shit takes is talking Demi Moore out of killing herself by rocking back and forth in a fetal position in front of an open window, and even then it’s all like “hardy har, look how cute I am.” Fuck Rob Lowe.

St. Elmo's Fire

Yeah, boy! You suck that sax’s dick.

Ally Sheedy – She’s right to avoid marrying Judd Nelson, but she’s a complete doormat whose “hunch” that Nelson is cheating on her with a million different women doesn’t dissuade her completely from moving on. She then uses Andrew McCarthy after he spills his guts to her, only to break his heart a day later. She ain’t no saint. Also, an aspiring architect or graphic designer or whatever? I didn’t see her do one creative thing! Boo, Ally Sheedy. Boo.

Judd Nelson – A young Democratic college student turns into a young Republican within months of leaving college? What kind of asshole is this guy? He obnoxiously persistent in trying to get Sheedy to marry him to the point where he suggests having sex with no protection to get her pregnant. All because he thinks this will automatically cause him to start being faithful? Fuck this scumbag with a capsaicin-laced 16-inch dildo.

Demi Moore – Snort another line of coke, why don’t you, you fucking basket case. The climax of the movie revolves around her trying to commit suicide via freezing to death in her apartment and the rest of the gang trying to help her help herself. Nothing in the movie hints at this particular lead-in to such a desperate action on her part, except maybe getting extremely sexually harassed by Rob Lowe and maybe, maybe, losing a job she barely had in the first place. Nobody cares, Demi Moore.

Mare Winningham – Portrayed as fat and ugly when she is neither fat nor particularly ugly, she dresses like a grandma and wears a girdle. Winningham is hopelessly in love with Rob Lowe even though he’s a completely sleazy pretty boy who almost drunk-drove her into oblivion. Lowe pops her cherry, which I think was supposed to be this heartwarming gesture but it made me sick to my stomach. It’s a wonder why anyone else in the clique even liked her in the first place. What a fucking loser.

St. Elmo's Fire

How did the chick with the glasses get here?

Andrew McCarthy – Easily the most sympathetic of all the characters, which is saying a lot because he’s a tiresome cynic who spends half the movie whining about love and then the other half of the movie boning Ally Sheedy and getting dumped immediately after. He’s a creep who has a million photos of Sheedy in his apartment, which she finds charming? Go jump in a lake, McCarthy.

Emilio Estevez – I saved the worst for last, of course, because Estevez is such an utterly batshit psychopath that he’s stalking a woman he went out on one date with years ago. It obviously didn’t go well, and Andie MacDowell spends the majority of her screen time being impossibly nice and patient with him. At one point, Estevez follows her to a fancy party and declares his obsession to her, soaking wet from the rain and looking like a deranged baboon. Following this, MacDowell invites him back to her apartment to explain to him why she shouldn’t be put on a pedestal. You know, instead of immediately getting a restraining order. And before he inappropriately bends MacDowell over and kisses her while her boyfriend is away for two minutes, she says the following to him. This crazed lunatic. “I don’t really know you that well, but you seem like a fine person, and I want you to know that I’m flattered by all this. Deep down, I’m sure for a long time I’ll wonder if somehow, this isn’t my loss.” It’s beyond unbelievable. What horrible writing. What a terrible side plot. I’m going to go hang a picture of Estevez on my wall and punch a hole through it.

TOPIC 2 — General Movie Thoughts

This movie was a turd. I understand the premise that life after college isn’t all roses and pudding and gloryholes anymore, and that the slow disillusionment that creeps up on college graduates is relatable, but this movie doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to be about that at all. It’s about a bunch of self-centered, obnoxious pricks being completely unlikeable jerks to one another. It’s about creepy infatuations and acting on completely unhealthy impulses. It’s about Rob Lowe with a fucking saxophone. This movie had potential, but that required likeable characters who actually seemed like they all enjoyed each other’s company back in college. Everyone’s relationship with one another is a complete train wreck, indicating to me that it was somewhat of a train wreck in college too, and that these people are toxic to one another.

I can’t reiterate enough how grotesque the Emilio Estevez subplot is. He basically molests Andie MacDowell and then drives off triumphantly. Are we, as an audience, supposed to side with this “nice guy” archetype? Are we supposed to pump our fists in the air along with him? Are we supposed to treat this as a lesson, that it’s ok to force kisses on our crushes who are clearly not interested?? Not cool, man.

St. Elmo's Fire

Andie MacDowell’s skin will be perfect for my collection.

Seeing everyone’s lives fall apart within the course of a few days is funny, though! That’s all I got out of it.

I don’t have any other general movie thoughts. Ally Sheedy is cute.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Much like her character, Demi Moore (Jules) had a drug problem when she was cast in the film. One day, director Joel Schumacher actually demanded that she leave the set because she was really high. Moore had to go through rehab and promise to stay clean in order to play a character with a drug problem.
A lot was on the line here, because Demi Moore’s involvement in St. Elmo’s Fire would have made or broken the movie completely! Remember that scene where she did the thing? Neither do I.

The interchanges between Kevin (Andrew McCarthy) and the hooker were based on a conversation between a hooker and a limo driver that Joel Schumacher had once overheard.
Yeah. Sure. A hooker and a “limo driver”. “Overheard”. How much did that “conversation” cost you, Schumacher?

Joel Schumacher originally had felt that Rob Lowe wasn’t right for the part of Billy. Only after repeated phone calls from his agent and a passionate speech about why he wanted the part did Rob eventually get it.
You’re going to tease me with a reference to a passionate speech and not even give me a transcription? “Mr. Lowe is dedicated to the craft of acting, looks as pretty as a sunrise, and can hold a saxophone with unparalleled aplomb.” That’s just one sentence out of 750.

St. Elmo's Fire

Plus, the dude looks great sopping wet. Hubba hubba.

Columbia Pictures hated the title, going so far as to send a 35-page memo listing all of their issues with the proposed title and suggesting such alternatives as The Real World and Sparks.
Now this sounds like fodder for a passionate speech! Let me see if I can summarize the memo:

“St.”? why that could be confused with “street.”
“Elmo’s”? Nobody likes Elmo! The worst Muppet!
“Fire”? You’re fired! Fuck you!

Playing roommates in the movie, actors Emilio Estevez (Kirby Keger) and Andrew McCarthy (Kevin Dolenz) roomed together to prepare for their roles in the film.
They jerked each other off, too.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

No, not at all. Everyone is annoying. Skip it.


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Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Son of Superman (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Son of Superman (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, a red herring from Issue #1 shows us that Superman wasn’t taking Jon to eradicate him in a gas chamber for his crimes against felinity, but instead taking him to rescue a submarine from an ice floe and/or an enormous squid. They bond over this weird moment.

Kathy Branden, the girl next door, tries to touch Jon Kent’s hand while they were sitting in a tree, but then Jon fell and got a concussion like a wuss.

A lava-like Superman insignia flies out of the ground near the submarine and finds its way to the Fortress of Solitude, where it absorbed artifacts lying around the place and formed some sort of weird Lava Superman. That’s really dumb and I hope it gets forgotten very soon!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [September, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 3)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Outside the Fortress of Solitude, Superman carries Jon’s lifeless body with Lois in tow. They need to go there to see what’s wrong with little Jonny, I guess, instead of, like, going to a doctor’s office. Mostly, they need to figure out why this seemingly indestructible kid got hurt. And furthermore, t–

“WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, KAL-EL. WE HAVE TRAVELED LONG AND FAR TO SAVE US.”

Superman sees this imposter lava-born Superman and barely bats an eye. All like “I’m going to make short work of you right here, right now” and then lunges at him with the force of a bullet train.

“TELL ME!” Superman screams, fists a’flyin’. “Why do you look like the Eradicator?!”

“BECAUSE WE ARE THE ERADICATOR,” it responds.

Meanwhile, Lois is flailing while the walls start crumbling around her. The Eradicator, as I recall from an issue of some 2000s Superman comic, exists to restore anything Kryptonian and eradicate anything that’s not Kryptonian. So, in true form, the Eradicator here wants to save Krypton (which already exploded). Superman is like “no dice!”

Jon Kent regains consciousness just in time for Lois to tell the kid to hurry out of the way with her.

The Eradicator has no choice but to beat Superman into submission! Good luck with that. Superman is as stubborn as seven mules.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Now come give me a kiss, sailor!

“Who’s that guy fighting with Dad?” Jon asks.

“Someone dangerous from our past,” Lois responds. “That’s all you need to know.”

Jon is compelled to help Pops, but your father is SUPERMAN, kiddo! He could get whacked over the head with a comically oversized dildo for hours without even breaking a sweat! He’ll be fine.

KRREKRRA! That’s the inscrutable sound of walls crumbling! “You’ve got no chance of convincing me of anything except to put you down fast and hard,” Superman proclaims, obviously struggling to a great degree.

Eradicator has sunglasses on, looking all like Hunter S. Thompson or @dril, claiming that this should be a day of CELEBRATION. He catches a giant slab of glass that had almost fallen on top of Lois and Jon, and he advises the woman and the boy to get out of the fucking way. Superman is floored by this. “…He… saved them.”

*cue lively opening credits*

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

…it’s your grades! Only a B+ in math? I’m going to kill you, son!

Anyway, that was fun. Now that the Eradicator is suddenly a Nice Boy, Superman has time to prop Jon up in a chair and take a look-see into his vitals. Eradicator stands there and stares at the procedure, which involves shining a beam of light at Jon’s torso. He has to lie there until they get a complete diagnostic, which could take upwards of thirteen years to complete. Here, have a Rubik’s cube.

Jon wants to go home, but Lois says tough titties. There’s inconsistency in his invulnerability. One minute he’s getting hit by cars without a scratch, next minute he’s choking on popsicle sticks! Perhaps Jon’s body is still adapting to puberty superpowers.

Now back to Eradictor! What are you doing here in the first place, sir? Who invited you anyway? The Queen of England? ‘Cause she’s dead!

“WE ARE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE FATED TO BE HERE. AFTER ASSIMILATING PERSONAL OBJECTS WITHIN YOUR FORTRESS, WE NOW WEAR YOUR HOUSE SYMBOL PROUDLY.” But before they started looking for The Superman, there was a secret protocol that they had to comply with while Krypton was still an actual planet in the sky.

The protocol was created by General Zod. The Eradicators were tasked with arresting any Kryptonian lawbreakers on his list by whatever means necessary. If that meant luring them into a giant mousetrap with giant cheese, then so be it.

“GENERAL ZOD DIRECTED US TO DRAW OUT THE LAWBREAKERS’ LIFE FORCE AND TRANSFER THEM TO A PHANTOM ZONE PROJECTOR WHERE THEY WOULD AWAIT TRIAL.”

Things are getting stupid again! Look out!

Bodies were held in cryo-chambers while they awaited trial. Eradicators scoured the entire planet of Krypton for lawbreakers. Then Krypton started exploding! Eradicators were sort of destroyed, sort of, I guess! But they also witnessed the explosion! And then they saw one little rocket containing one little baby flying away from the planet! And then they had a new mission! Look for the sole survivor!

And that’s you, Superman, you lucky so-and-so!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

In short, stop boning that human broad you call your wife.

The Eradicator has another mission, because he’s just chock full of missions. They’re going to take Jon and bolster his Kryptonian genome to undermine his human genome. Essentially, eradicate half of him. We’ll start with the torso and go down!

So then the Eradicator starts glowing, and Superman is like “what the hell are you doing, you lousy bag of poop?” Then the Eradicator blasts Jon with brilliant yellow light, making him yelp and squirm.

Then the Eradicator somehow eats Superdog, who I’m just mentioning for the first time. That’s another dumb thing that happens. Jon gets so sad and mad that his eyes start glowing a dangerous red. And now he means business. And business is booming.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know, man. Why can’t I just read comics where Superman is throwing a football around with his boy and going “GOOD JOB SON I’M SO PROUD” and then they go home and eat spaghetti and avoid all this Eradicator nonsense. And it is nonsense! Don’t tell me it’s not.

Ugh. DC. You’re so much worse than Marvel. It’s a shame.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53 – “Daughters”

* Part 8 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53 – “Daughters”! In the previous installment, Spidey strokes his little pud while watching Black Cat and Elektra fight on the rooftop. Elektra fails to get the tablet back, which stokes Fisk’s fiery flames! And MJ ran away from home. Aunt May’s gonna catch Peter out of the house in the middle of the night again.

Oh yeah, Black Cat said something cryptic about not being her father. I personally don’t care who her father is, but maybe you do? We’re going to probably find out here! Yay.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53 [April, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Daughters”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

The most predictable thing happens! Peter is not in his bed when Aunt May bursts into his room like Kramer. She then knocks on Gwen’s door. “I think Peter and MJ have run away,” May says, eyes boggling, to a sleepy and ambivalent Gwen.

Here’s something I didn’t expect! Peter is downstairs sucking milk straight from the carton. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you in bed?” Oh, man. Time for an excuse! Peter was… uh… watching cartoons with… uh… he was studying for midterms at one in the morning. That’s the one, May. That’s what he’ll go with.

May tells Peter that MJ is missing, that she ran away, that she flew the coop, took a powder, baby. “Her mother just called in a frenzy,” May says, a little bit frenzied herself. “MJ packed a bag and took her money and she’s gone. She’s not here?” May gives her awful nephew a look. “You promise?”

May thinks Peter Parker is sticking his hard dick into MJ’s wet pussy, but Peter just makes a startled face and then books it out of the house. May screams his name. “Guy can move,” says Gwen.

Peter goes next door and raps on the Watsons’ front door. Greg Watson, who was called Craig Watson a few issues ago lmao, answers the door. He is probably drunk as a skunk and demands to know where her redheaded regular child headed off to.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

So help me God I will twist your giant hand right off your wrist, good sir.

Greg/Craig grabs Peter by the shirt, which he quickly stops. “I don’t know where she is,” Peter says, squeaking out his most intimidating voice, “so, instead of attacking me… how about you go and look for her?”

*Arsenio Hall Show whoopin’*

Peter throws himself head first into a lengthy monologue while he checks MJ’s room for clues about her whereabouts (not in her room, for starters). She has a Lance Bass poster on her wall. Don’t we all? “Well, this is a nightmare. What is she thinking? Did she leave town? Did she leave me, too?”

Peter goes on and on and on and on about this stuff, wondering if he’s to blame for her behavior and actions. Being Spider-Man, visiting Black Cat, stealing a kiss from Wilson Fisk, that sort of thing.

Then he perks up. His brain got an idea! He runs out of the house smiling while everyone else stares at him like “where are you going, you little shithead?”

Peter later finds her in an abandoned warehouse, wearing a hooded coat, slumped in a fetal position on a pile of cardboard, hand on a diary. There was once an issue where Spider-Man told her to wait here until the coast is clear. Well, the coast clearly ain’t clear, clearly.

Peter creeps closer to her, but she can’t hear him. She’s sleeping. He calls her name, she doesn’t hear. He says “pssst”, she doesn’t hear. Then he grabs shoulder.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

AAAHH! A HORRIBLE UGLY MONSTER!! A HIDEOUS, HIDEOUS, UGLY, SMALL-DICKED CREATURE!! RUN!

MJ doesn’t remember falling asleep nor knows what time it is. She’s embarrassed, actually.

“Did you run away from home?”

“I don’t know.”

We’re off to a great start!

“You don’t know? Your mom’s going nuts. Everybody is up and looking for you.”

“I couldn’t stand it in that house anymore! I just – I couldn’t stand it. I was – I could breathe! I had to get out of there.”

“So, where are you going?”

She doesn’t know. Things are messed up. Her dad sucks and things are messed up. She tried going to Parker’s basement, but he was out doing the Spider-Man thing. “I feel like such a loser,” she says. Because she is one, sorta. Where are her powers, huh? “I’m lucky no one came in her and murdered me or something… I’m so stupid.”

Parker tells her she has to go home, but she ain’t doing that. Her dad is being a butthead. All he did all night was threaten her. He won’t let her see Peter. Probably because his name is “Peter”. He’s miserable and pathetic (her dad this time, not Peter) and he smells.

MJ rants and raves about her awful father. He drinks, he cheats, he’s a real slut and a half. “He’s been looking for any reason to make sure I don’t have any happiness,” she rants. Aunt May? She actually gives a shit about Peter’s happiness! Greg Craig Watson? That guy is a fuck.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

There there. There there. Shut up, please.

She continues crying about how things have really sucked and Peter was the only thing that made her happy lately. And she can’t even have that. It fully bites, dude! She can’t wait until she turns 18 so she can get this sweet tattoo of a mountain lion mauling a deer on her back, and she can finally move out and elope and live in a trailer park with Peter until he starts beating her up and locking her in the closet like an abusive redneck.

Parker soaks this all in and comes up with this response: “You have to go home.”

WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?! HOME IS THE PROBLEM! I OUGHTA BOX YOUR EARS!

“Can’t we run away together?” MJ cries.

“I wish.”

“Let’s get married and run away. Please…”

He smiles at her devilishly. “Not yet.”

They hug. I run off to get some of those really good twisty BBQ Fritos. Those things rule.

The next day at work, Parker falls asleep at his desk. He dreams about Black Cat screeching at Elektra about not being her father. “Tell your master!” she yells bewilderingly. Parker gets an image of Fisk in his head and wakes up.

“Cat burglars. Cat burglars. Robbers. Thieves. Burglars.” He looks up a list of “known cat burglars” in the Daily Bugle database and actually gets a list of names! Abner Jenkins! Cletus Kasady! He finds the name he’s looking for: Jack Hardy. He looks up an article with the headline “Black Cat Jack”, which is about the start of his trial. The photo shows a grumpy man with his hand on the shoulder on a grumpy girl – his daughter. The caption names her as Felicia. A Google search gives away Felicia Hardy’s employer: Wilson Fisk.

“Oh. Oh man…”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

If you are also a victim of employer abuse, please don’t hesitate to call our hotline at 1-800-VICTIMS-OF-EMPLOYER-ABUSE.COM

Fisk is onto Black Cat! Felicia Hardy, daughter of Jack Hardy! ‘Twas her that done did the robbery! IS THIS ABOUT AVENGING YOUR DELINQUENT FATHER?! Good luck, pal. “Your father was a loser,” he says as he continues killing her, probably. “And the reason your father died in jail, is that he was just bad luck.” So return the weird tablet forthwith!

Enter Spider-Man, who says a quick quip and distracts Fisk and Elektra just enough for Hardy to punch her and then kick him. Fisk crashes through a coffee table while Spidey strongholds the scantily clad bad guy woman. When she tries stabbing him with her sai, he thwaps her in the face.

Fisk gets up and tells Spidey to scram. “STOP IT! Stop interfering in my life!! This is too important for you to–” he lunges at Spidey with the intention to wring his pencil neck, but then Spidey thwaps him in the face.

I guess the threat has been neutralized? Spidey goes to find Felicia on the roof, who looks much better with a dark pixie cut by the way. Hubba hubba. He starts telling her that she needs to get out of here, but she starts spewing out some rants and raves about Fisk letter her father rot in jail. “I am going to destroy him. Everything he says he wants… I will take away from him.”

She pulls out the stone tablet from her purse. “This is just the first.”

Spidey wants to know what it is, and Felicia merely says that it’s something Fisk wants. Oh, his ears must have been burning! Fisk comes onto the roof gracefully.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #53

The Hulk ain’t got nothing on this enormous hunk of man.

Felicia smiles wryly at Fisk and throws the tablet off the roof. It lands with a KERPLUNK into the river… like, really close to the docks… like, easy to recover, actually. Dumb.

Then Elektra shows up, launches a sai through Felicia’s chest, and they all watch her topple off of the roof. Bing bang boom win. Spidey immediately swings his way down to the docks, but he can’t find Felicia’s body anywhere. The cops show up. Spidey looks despondant, then he swings away.

A monologue occurs from an unknown person. “I didn’t believe in the tablet. I’m sorry. It’s the way I am. I cannot find the logic to it. Or maybe, like you said about me, I don’t have the spirituality to believe in things like this. But the tablet meant something to you. You believed. So I made it mean something to me. And that’s–”

The speaker is revealed to be Wilson Poopypants Fisk, speaking to a woman in a coma in some sort of space station.

“That why I would have spent every dollar we had to get it here for you.”

Fisk is desperate for this woman – his wife – to wake up. The tablet could have been the key, and now it’s two feet in the bottom of a river about four inches from a dock.

“Please… please wake up… please…”

Final Thoughts

Oh no you don’t! Humanizing Wilson Fisk and J. Jonah Jameson in the same storyline? What’s next? Lex Luthor’s redemption arc? Joffrey Barantheon returning from the dead to apologize to everyone? Hitler enjoying tea and scones with the Jews?

All this and more in the next storyline!


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Black Science, Issue #3

* Part 3 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #3! In the previous installment, the crew has landed in some sort of alternate history or perhaps the future, or some such shit, where Native Americans are at war with the Germans. It would be pretty dope if I liked that sort of thing.

Grant got skewered in the abdomen by a bayonet so he’s bleeding out and they need to find a shaman. Maybe they can hire Batman.

I still haven’t gotten the names of all these people straight yet. Perhaps it’s because they all lack personalities. And as someone who lacks a personality himself, I know it when I see it!

Black Science, Issue #3 [January, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #3

“Grant’s team has failed.” Kadir is in his big motherfucking office on a high floor of a big motherfucking building in a big motherfucking city. He’s talking to his own boss, Mr. Block, on the phone. After all the risks, all the broken laws, everything they’ve worked toward, it seems that Grant’s stupid Pillar is a complete disaster. This is obviously a flashback since no one is stranded in Hell Land right now.

Kadir checks security camera footage, which shows Grant dry humping a woman in one of the laboratories. Once the woman sees the ring on Grant’s finger, she doesn’t feel much like dry humping anymore. “Your wedding band is a real mood killer.”

I don’t know this woman’s name, but she’s probably someone I should know. She’s sad that she keeps getting reminded like this that they’re sneaking around. “I think you like it,” she frowns. Now that the Pillar project is completed, does Grant have any use for her anymore, she wonders? Ah, this is Rebecca. Rebecca’s not dead, that’s Jen. Sara is Grant’s wife. There are too many people. What is this, Game of Fucking Thrones? Where’s the Black Science Tyrion?

Ultimatum time! Rebecca is getting sick of it. Make a decision, fuckface.

“I’ll end it with Sara tonight,” Grant says in a hushed tone. After a very PG-13 kiss, Grant gets a call. His kids are waiting for him. It’s Pillar Time.

Black Science, Issue #3

I can describe the scream just fine: “GHRAGHH=!”

Three hours later in the world of German/Native American fighting and whatnot, we see a man with a hole in his chest approach the Magical Mystery Shaman. He uses some futuristic doohickey to blast his entire body point-blank with a brilliant orange light. The big hole heals in mere seconds. Shit’s wild! Grant is going to be a-ok!

Ward is narrating. Apparently, this war has been going on for generations all because of “bad decisions of incompetent leaders”. He does not fear death, he only fears dying needlessly at some idiot’s direction.

Team Pillar is nervous, but burly Security Chief Ward drags Grant’s ass around to find that Shaman. Even if it means getting spotted by the hundreds of Native American soldiers ambling around. Even if it means certain death. Eek!

Suddenly, the team gets ambushed by a giant Transformer robot that says “TSO-S-DI-DA-NU-WI!” which I think translates to “Where’s the bathroom, homie?”

Grant lies in a trench bleeding out. Rebecca correctly declares his condition stable. Grant’s son Nathan is like “oh no muh daddy” while Chandra points a large blasty gun at a terrified, tied up German. She wants to shoot him if he keeps talking, and he keeps talking, so she wants to shoot him.

Rebecca tells Chandra to simmer down and grabs her gun. “Who put you in charge?!” Chandra demands. Because we all know that Charles is in Charge. Scott Baio, yo.

She instructs 18-year-old Grant’s daughter Pia to keep the gun on the German while shit keeps breaking bad.

Black Science, Issue #3

Hey, if it’s any consolation, I didn’t see the robot either! But I also don’t have any eyeballs.

Ward is starting to feel bad that he led his team into danger. A lot more robot fighting happens. Eventually, it’s three-piece-suited Kadir who throws a piece of metal in some sort of exhaust vent and causes the whole robot to blow up into smithereens. And not large smithereens, either. Teeny tiny smithereens. Kadir and Ward shake hands. Teamwork, people. It brings us all together.

It’s raining now. Pouring. A group of German soldiers walk and talk along the edge of trench while Team Pillar stays hushed and petrified. Tied-up German soldier takes this opportunity to holler for help, but he gets totally tackled by Rebecca before the other soldiers notice where the sound is coming from. It’s raining hard, you know. Maybe it was some sort of rain-induced audio hallucination!

Rebecca keeps the guy’s face straight down in the mud to keep him from talking and yelling while the other soldiers walk away. Maybe she killed him? Hard to say, but she starts crying anyway. War is hell, etc.

Flashback to Team Pillar getting suited up and ready to, you know, use the Pillar. “Is it dangerous?” asks Grant’s son Nathan. Grant’s like “hell no son this is gonna be like Chuck E. Cheese.” Pia is salty because Grant didn’t let their mother come today, but Grant insists that it’s because Sara hates what Grant does and she doesn’t give two butt shits about any of this.

“What she hates is that you never come home,” Pia rebuts. Perhaps.

The rest of Team Pillar welcomes Grant’s family. “You two ready to see the most important object on the planet?” asks Rebecca, ready to show Grant’s kids her Tomagotchi. Chandra is like “who let these fucking kids here” and threatens to report this breach of safety to Kadir. No one gives her the time of day.

“So, here it is,” Grant says of the Pillar. “The tool we will use to acquire, well — anything. The cure for cancer. Rare minerals. Unimaginable technology. Anything you can imagine exists on some layer of the onion.”

Oh, so now we’re talking about onions. There seems to be no focus here to this project! No wonder Kadir is mad!

“The Onion” does not refer to the humorous satiric publication, but rather Grant’s model for the layers upon layers of alternate dimensions. The Pillar pushes through these layers and allows them to travel to other worlds. Neat, huh? They can use the Onion to, like, predict and map all the various universes and timelines. We can solve all of humanity’s problems by leeching them from the alternate dimensions and taking credit! (the cure for cancer is Bisquick)

Black Science, Issue #3

Well, you see, son, I’m going to take this Pillar and fuck the center of the Onion…

When Nate asks what’s at the center of the Onion, Grant is like “I ‘unno lol” and speculates that future generations will be able to figure that shit out. Maybe it’ll even be Nate! (unlikely.) Maybe the center is God Himself if you’re into that theism malarkey. Personally, I think the universe was created when Gary Busey spilled jelly beans all over the place, but my theories are met with ridicule.

Pia notices that the Pillar is sparking oddly. The countdown timer reads 7 seconds. Kadir enters the room as chaos ensues and everyone starts freaking the fuck out. The time runs out and a brilliant flash of light sends the wretched crew to…

Tahiti!

Final Thoughts

No, not Tahiti. Aren’t you paying attention. German/Native American future Shithole Land!

The series it getting slightly better, but there’s still so much setup happening. It’s a slow burn for sure, but I’m obviously in it for the long haul. Or not obviously, I suppose, but you’ll never know, will you!


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