Happy Sunday, sort of. It’s the 11th hour. Literally. Unless you’re going by military time, whatever that means! You ain’t in the military.

Today is Soap Opera Day on Sucky Funnies Sunday, so strap on your soap opera boots and buckle your soap opera seatbelts. Today’s installment will be Too Hot To Handle™! Only on NBC.

Judge Parker

What the everloving fuck is even happening here? Is this the part of the soap opera story cycle where they pack 40 gallons of salty enema water into a half-pint butthole? I suspect this one’s for the fair-weather Judge Parker aficionados so that they’ll be able to pop in, puff their pipes, and get resplendently caught up with the storyline!

But this is an absolute mess, for reals. I haven’t heard of a mayor this evil since the evil mayor from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Season 3. I’ve personally done some dastardly misdeads in my own time, but I have never EVER lied about Abbey setting fire to her own barn! Even if she wanted me too! And she did! Abbey was pretty adamant about me not telling anyone that she did that.

So, Sophie, before you screw up your family’s lives by putting them in the spotlight, be sure to just do it and THEN ask for forgiveness later. It’s only right.

Bob Tice: “These are pretty noble sentiments from a woman who tried to parlay Randy Parker’s extramarital dalliance with her into a tell-all book for profit.”
dagwoodtracy: “Most everyone in Cavelton is aware Abbey was accused of Arson. So her family’s problems are pretty much already public.”
snark attack: “Will Sophie’s vendetta against the mayors go the way of Katherine’s vendetta against Toni?”
kab2rb: “Toni has a point, that what broke up Abbey with Sam.”

Randy Parker! Katherine! Sam! Cavelton! It’s all too much. The mythology of Judge Parker is so dense that it’s just not possible to traverse through the thickets! Only a man smarter than I can persevere.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

I’ve been barely following the Rex Morgan story, and even that’s a generous proclamation, but I know that Tildy is losing her marbles and Anderzej barely cares. He’s just looking forward to watching Big Ol’ Titties 14 on the hospital’s dime.

But, continuing where we left off, Anderzej is still salty enough about the car that he must have talked June’s ear off about it. And Rex confirms my suspicions: that Tildy and Anderzej’s involvement is a complete load of nothing to the Morgan family when you get down to it. “We’re almost, sort of, kind of related”, huh? Cut them loose.

namberak: “If this were a whacky sitcom, as soon as June says “Dipreta’s”, Buck would burst through the door yelling, “Did someone say Dipreta’s?” But we’re not that lucky.”
Bob Tice: “[Michael to Johnny]: “A neutron walks in a bar and orders a drink. He says to the bartender, ‘How much do I owe you?’ The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge!’ “”
seismic-2: “Sarah is looking especially ugly these days. She must be getting haggard from taking care of her 45-year-old little brothers.”

I’m mad at the name “Dipreta”, for starters. Per Google, it’s the 98,553rd most popular surname in 2010, if that helps.

For another thing, too many characters to keep track of again. June, Dipreta, Michael, Johnny, Sarah. Rex. Who’s Rex, damnit?

Fortunately, seismic-2’s comment was funnier than anything in a Rex Morgan strip in the last 208 years so at least I got a second-hand laugh from this one.

Mary Worth

OK, Mary Worth, now you’re just trolling us. How dare you subject me to this unauthorized display of pure sexiness? Dawn tearing her hair out is one thing, that merely piques my interest. But Panel #5? I’m going to need a cold shower. Too Hot To Handle™!

Funkadelic: “So- the impression I get from the past 8 days worth of strips is that Dawn is worried that she’s turning into her father. Do other people feel the same way or is it just me?”
Mike Scott: “That’s your future, Dawn, summed up in a dream that probably lasted no longer than a couple of minutes.”
Steve Martin: “Solid gold from Moy and Brigman here today. Kudos and huzzahs all around.”

Thank you all and good night. Kudos and huzzahs all around.