Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Prey (Part 3): Night Scourge!”! In the previous installment, things start heating up when Batman sticks his nose into something just because the police force is too incompetent to do any of this stuff themselves, but he should just leave it alone because he keeps making Jim Gordon’s life harder than it has to be! That’s about the gist.

Specifically, Sgt. Cort has a vendetta against Batman. Dr. Strange has a fixation about Batman, and they’re both going to team up to try to thwart Gordon and stop Batman. Also, Catwoman is somewhat involved, but she doesn’t want to be. I don’t want her to be either, for what it’s worth.

Welcome to the third issue of the storyline, right in the middle! Things are going to get worse before they get better, and I’m here for it.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #13 [December, 1990]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Prey (Part 3): Night Scourge!”

Dr. Strange is having that dinner with the Mayor’s daughter, the one that she didn’t want to have in the first place. Something must have happened to sway her, and I’d bet my dick and balls that it has nothing to do with Strange’s looks or personality or disposition or existence. Something’s up.

She makes faces at him while he talks himself up. All “your father picked the right guy for this job” and “I’m the only one capable of handling this with aplomb” and “man, I’m so smart”. Catherine is her name, and she tells this bald fucker to change the subject.

“Oh, I’m boring you, is that it?” he shoots back with gritted teeth. “Our date is not going well, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

Most women would be afraid of getting murdered and thrown in a ditch later than night, but Catherine maintains unflappable poise! “If you want the truth, Doctor,” she smirks, “I accepted this dinner date solely as a courtesy – and because you happen to be associated with my father.”

Take that, you self-involved man. She asks for him to take her home, and he huffs and puffs, conceding. Well, that was fun. I thought this Dr. Strange fellow was a real stand-up guy, but this scene has proved me wrong! He later cries while confiding in his Batman-cowled sexy mannequin. “Her type never gives me a chance, because they know a man like me would pierce their armor! But why should I care? She was just a trifle.” Strange had called Sgt. Cort over, hopefully for a rebound, so he hides his true love back in the closet. This guy is a real cool dude, I’m back on board with him.

The first thing Strange does is offer to hypnotize Cort, which is presumptuous and unsettling. Cort is being coy about it instead of punching his lights out, which I also find odd.

…you are imagining us frolicking through a verdant meadow. I shower you with kissies…

Cort agrees to this hypnotism thing, I guess, and he goes all in. He pictures the moon, and it’s quite a relaxing moon! Very peaceful, as moons tend to be. Strange starts talking shop at this point while Cort lolls to a hypnotized stupor. “These police files you gave me – the ones Gordon tried to hold back… they’ve been very helpful, Max… as have your own investigations…”

Strange shows him photos of Batman’s recovered hang glider. The struts are made of a very expensive lightweight plastic, and since this guy prowls at night and sleeps during the day, he likely doesn’t have a real job or anything. Rich as the dickens. And that’s not all. He’s in his 20s, single, lives alone, an accomplished athlete, and a widower. He likes long walks on the beach, short walks on the beach, and other beach-related sauntering.

The problem is that this character profile doesn’t match police records. They’ve likely been doctored, perhaps by police who have been paid off. Police like Gordon. “Whatever brutal incident spawned the Batman, it’s been expunged from the records.”

Dr. Strange holds up a costume; he thinks this will help track down Batman and thwart Gordon. I can’t tell what the costume is. It’s either Snagglepuss or Sexy Nurse. Strange wants Cort to one-up Batman on the nighttime prowler game. “Become more than him… become out own myth…” Sounds like a real pain in the ass to me. First Cort gets hypnotized and now he’s going to jump around town in a skintight costume? Who the fuck is this guy?

Later, Cort thinks this has all been a giant heaping helping of HOOEY, and drives off back to the station.

Take that! *SHUMP* And some of THIS! *SHUMP* And a little MORE! *SHUMP SHUMP*

Meanwhile, Batman has been wracking his overstressed brains about how to handle this whole situation now that he’s up against the police AND the newspapers claiming that he and Catwoman are partners in crime. “I’ll go to Gordon only when I have a plan… or only when I have to.” In the meantime, he beats up a couple of street punks to make himself feel better. Like a real man.

Cort has grabbed an unidentified envelope from the station. “Yeah… this’ll do,” he thinks as he heads back to his car. Maybe it’s full of photos of Batman in various half-naked, provocative poses! That will do! I agree!

A couple of no-name uniformed cops discuss where the file went. The “Skeleton’s Closet”, and Cort took it even though he’s working on the Vigilante Task Force. Curious curious curious, ain’t it? (No.)

The Skeleton’s Closet appears to some kind of Nazi bar. Unseemly men, an almost-nude woman. Some guy enters looking like a samurai. “I’d offer to take on every man in the house… if this hellhole was good enough to pass for a house… and if there were any men in it.”

Zing! “Who’s he supposed to be?” asks a smiling woman. “Who knows?” answers a smiling man. “Maybe the Great Pumpkin – lookin’ for Halloween… or maybe the Bat-Guy’s boyfriend.”

Zing! Samurai man grabs this dude by the shirt and starts kicking his ass. He kicks everyone’s ass! WAP OOF THWAK WHUD KRAK TEEEESH KRATCH.

Then this dude’s head gets WUNKed right against the wall, where he leaves a large splotch of blood.

Mr. Samurai Jones has been tipped off that the Skeleton’s Closet sells guns. “Now… when they leave here to pick up the goods… where do they go? Where?!”

Uhhhh… Kazakhstan! Heh heh. Uhm…

It’s the middle of the night, and a ringleader of sorts of this Skeleton’s Closet operation gets a call. He’s very pissed in his lavish bed with a luscious nude lady next to him, but he changes his tune once he learns that the Skeleton’s Closet has been infiltrated and busted up. Rather rudely, I might add. “You what–?! You gave him my address?! I’ll kill you!”

Yes, and Samurai Smith shows up to throw some knives and cause a ruckus. Selling unregistered guns? That makes him quite angry! Ringleader tries to shoot him with an unregistered gun, but he does a flip and gains 34 EXP.

Ringleader thinks this guy is the Batman, but he ain’t the Batman. He’s the Night Scourge, and he’s at least THRICE the man that the Batman will ever be! Darn tootin’!

Ooooh, a gift for moi??

“A new vigilante, calling himself ‘The Night Scourge’, struck twice in Gotham last night, first starting a brawl at the Skeleton’s Closet, a so-called ‘biker bar’, then attacking a man in his bedroom less than an hour later.” Bruce listens to this news with brow-furrowed consternation as he tinkers with his car.

Dr. Dollfucker Strange holds a press conference to admonish the “massive violations of civil rights across the board”. All this points back to that ne’er-do-well Batman! He started all this nonsense and now every Joe Vigilante thinks they can just go out and be a vigilante! What nerve! “Absolute anarchy,” Strange froths. “If I were a twisted, tormented soul like the Batman– I would surrender myself to someone like me for immediate treatment–”

Of course you would, psycho. Bruce picks up his radio, intending to smash it to the floor into a trillion foot-lacerating pieces, but thinks better of it. “No. Can’t take the bait. But now… even without a plan… I have to go to him.”

The “him” is handsome Jim Gordon trying to tuck his baby into bed while Batman throws rocks at his window to get his attention. Batman asks if the child is healthy and well, to which I would respond with “until he was threatened with rocks” but, of course, Gordon is still grateful that Batman saved his son’s life. Batman has earned Gordon’s trust, but straight-laced Gordon is a cop first. “This is our last meeting for now…” Gordon warns, “…maybe forever if you can’t stop this ‘Night Scourge’.”

Funnily enough, the Night Scourge is Sgt. Cort. By the book, indeed! “It worked last night,” he says, removing his mask. “I am better than him… but now I gotta prove it.”

Batman goes on and on and on and on about not having a plan and needing a plan and wanting Gordon’s help to come up with a plan but Gordon won’t talk to him until he has a plan and he doesn’t have a plan and he needs a plan.

As Cort heads back to home, or the station, or Dairy Queen, he spots Catwoman scaling a building. He sweats when he realizes it’s not Batman, it’s yet another asshole thinking they’re Jane Vigilante! Well, no mas! Cort puts his mask back on and ambushes her at the rooftop door before she can break into the building. “Why crash the party, babe? – when we can throw down right up here!”

How very droll, sir! That reminds me, I sure hope nobody in costumes are fighting four feet above our heads!

Catwoman and the Night Scourge fight very visibly next to the glass roof above a ritzy party. She’s no match for him because, let’s face it, she sucks at this whole cat burglar thing. He basically suplexes her and leaves her moaning and groaning. Then the Night Scourge crashes through the glass deliberately like it didn’t just slice him up really badly and lands upon the party full of screaming guests. “TERRORISTS!” and whatnot.

Batman is already there for some reason! What a plot hole! So they beat each other up for a little bit, naturally, WAP CHUD DUFT. Man, “DUFT” is a great one.

The partygoers first want to call the police, but then they don’t want to call the police because the BATMAN is here and he’s BETTER than the police. He’s like TWO polices in one, he is.

“Strange was wrong,” Night Scourge says as he scrambles out of the building like one of those scared puppies from the Sarah McLachlan commercials that have been abused for their whole lives and then shoved in front of TV cameras. “I’m not good enough… not yet… I’m not the Batman!”

Well, you barely even tried! You should’ve said something like “your stupid parents are dead” and he would’ve sobbed right in front of you, leaving himself open for pummeling blows!

Batman gets on the roof looking for him and gets whacked in the head with a pipe by Catwoman. “She was playing dead waiting for me,” he thinks as he grabs the back of his head in pain. Way to not kill him, Selina Kyle. Terrible name, by the way.

“I don’t need your help!” she says firmly. “But maybe you should become my partner. After all… you know you love the dark side.”

Uh huh.

Later, Max Cort lies on Strange’s couch, defeated, in his wet-looking underpants. Strange gives him a pep talk under hypnosis and he’s going to try again at this vigilante-busting thing, by God. Time to wear the Batman suit!

As Batman, Cort knocks Catherine Klass unconscious and then strikes the Mayor himself in their own residence! “You ever want to see her again, Mr. Mayor… call off your dogs. Gotham is mine.”

The real Batman still struggles dazedly on the roof. Here’s what he mumbles before falling unconscious. It’s very essential stuff:

“Can’t see… can barely hear… sounds like… all the noises of hell… shrieks and laughter… booms and squawks… alligators playing trombones… like… like the party… will never end…”

Final Thoughts

ALLIGATORS playing TROMBONES! The comedy never ends in Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight, does it folks?!

I just wish this series was actually gritty and dark, you know?? This shit is like Clown Town!