Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #10! In the previous installment, Mystique busts some lady named Lady Mastermind out of a lady prison. Or just a regular prison with also ladies in it. They’re going to tear up shit for fun, because Mystique is literally just like “I have no agenda, and if mutants have to die then so be it, but I’m looking to get absolutely, shitty rich.” People like her are the most dangerous!

Kitty Pryde is trying to train the youngins, but they REALLY suck at trying to fight and win any battle in the Danger Room. Pryde gets very nervous when she learns that Young Scott had quite an extended conversation with Mystique, but she doesn’t get to holler much about that before Old Cyclops and his Team of Ruffians show up to the school to do something. I don’t know what yet, but this issue wraps up the storyline so I’m guessing the ending will be left completely ambiguous in order to get you to keep reading Marvel comics.

And it’s working! Fuck you, Marvel.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [June, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

If I had a nickel for every weird crotch shot I see on a comic book’s cover art, I’d have enough nickels to put in a sack and beat someone over the head with it. Such a weird action shot decision.

In Charlotte, North Carolina, an armored car driver is making small talk with an armed guard. “What’s with all the extra security?” he asks, since there are about 80,000 other armed guards walking around. “Big transfer today,” responds a businesswoman with a clipboard.

IMMEDIATELY, and I do mean immediately, the fuckin’ X-Men come barreling in like “RAAAWWWRRR”, blasting these guys, fucking their shit up royally, causing an obnoxious ruckus. Lots of fire and smoke. It turns out to actually be Mystique and the Gang, intercepting the transfer of $18,000,000. “But if we’re going to do this right, we’re gonna need a hell of a lot more,” says the prisoner that Fake Maria Hill took from Ryker’s Island. I don’t know his name. Jim Bob Jones? They continue doing bank crimes and getting away with it. I won’t let you get away with this! *shakes fist until arm falls off*

At the Jean Grey School of Prostitution Tactics, Wolverine scowls while looking out the window. A bunch of students are like “oh boy, do we get to see a fight?!” and Wolverine is like “stfu, brats”.

Don’t be such an insecure little dingus, Scottie. You might grow up to be a complete failure!

“I’m not here to fight,” says Genocidal Scott Summers. “We’re not here to fight anyone. Especially not fellow mutants. We are here to clear the air as best I can and make you an offer.”

Wacko looney tunes. What nerve of this guy, showing his ugly, dumb face ‘round these parts and trying to smooth things over. Making nice? Showing diplomacy? Working together for a common solution? Where does this asshole think he gets the cahones??

“If it involves you standing trial for the murder of Charles Xavier,” Iceman says of Cyclops’ proposal, “we accept.” Ah yes, I forgot about the whole thing about killing Professor Xavier. That’s gonna be a tough one to bounce back from. Cyclops tries to deflect, insisting that perhaps what they saw with their own eyeballs wasn’t what actually happened (says the guy with NO eyeballs). “Do you think that I set out to murder a man who raised me?”

Yes! Yes! A trillion times yes, you manipulative shithead! You swamp devil! You gutter snake! You trash heap of a sewer face of a man, you! Get over here and gimme a kiss.

“You think that, in control of myself, I murdered this man? If you think that I murdered Charles Xavier of my own free will… then here I am. Kill me here. I couldn’t live with the thought that any of you even think that is who I am.”

The non-genocide X-Men stare down at the genocide X-Men. Then, out of nowhere, Krakoa the Lawn Beast (?) erupts from the grounds and eats these guys up! Cyclops, Emma Frost, Magento, Magik, they all become a tasty treat! Then Wolverine gives it the ol’ intimidation spiel and the beast spits them all out again. Comic relief, I guess? My sides are hurting from laughing so hard, guys.

In short, no, no one wants to hear what Cyclops has to say. As usual. Even when he wasn’t a maniac, no one wanted to listen to him!

“What do you want?” pipes in Young Scott once the fracas has died down.

“We’ve opened a school,” Cyclops answers.

“We’re accepting applicants now,” Frost adds.

“Even from time-displaced original X-Men who are probably destroying the fabric of time and space by behind here,” Magik chimes in.

Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble!

They try to sell this school through fear. New mutants are popping up, and with that will come a fresh wave of hatred and bigotry, and then violent attacks, from the common people. Rise up and fight back!

*crickets*

“Everyone here has a choice,” Scott continues while every stares at him like he’s a giant pile of cum. “Stay here and know that we, as your fellow mutants, will protect this school from all comers. With everything we have. But the new Xavier school is where you will train to fight and fight back hard.”

Yeah, I’m fighting back hard all right. Fighting back something real hard, if you catch my drift (it’s my penis, I’m talking about my penis). Cyclops continues talking, and I don’t know why. It’s clearly not working. He probably has a nasally voice, too. Just an unpleasant timbre. He tries guilt. He tries flattery. It’s sad, it’s really sad.

Oh look, he’s still talking.

“Since we were kids…” Cyclops pokes Beast in the chest. “We fight with EVERYTHING we have. And I say we remember that and take this HUGE second chance our people have been given and fight for our right for ALL of us to live in this world because if we don’t… who will?”

*crickets*

Cyclops then turns to his younger comerades and, although it’s great to see them all well and good and (in some cases) (points to Jean Grey) alive, they should really get the fuck out of here and go back from whence they came.

Read the room, Cyclops. These prepubescent, scowly-faced rapscallions are looking at you like you’re a giant pile of cum.

“Ask your friend Hank McCoy here how the Phoenix ended up in us in the first place.”

Eep. Big guns are coming out now. “Anyone who is ready to come with us… we will be back later to take you to your new life. Think about it. That’s all I ask.”

Oh thank god, he’s done talking! The Genocide Baddies disappear in a blue flame and Wolverine snarls and growls, as usual. “What did that mean?” Young Scott asks around the group. “What about the Phoenix?”

That? Oh, Tony Stark fucked up.

“And the Phoenix drove me crazy and then I killed Xavier?”

Look, snot nose, this doesn’t concern you! Sorta. I–

“That’s different than what you told me.” Young Cyclops turns to Beast now, who backpedals and insists that, no, it’s not different. Total gaslight move, Blue One. How’s this 12-year-old going to trust anyone anymore. He might start thinking about killing normies.

So Beast and Young Cyclops fight for a bit before Young Cyclpos storms off petulantly. With the scene over, Wolverine hollers at his students to return to class.

As you can see there… she has most of our men strapped down A Clockwork Orange-style to make them watch full seasons of Two and a Half Men. It’s a fate worse than death, ma’am.

At Ryker’s Island, the real Maria Hill shows up go a bit of “what da hell is goin’ on derr” while the guards are like “TAKE HER DOWN, MEN! FILL HER FULL OF BULLETS! FUCK THIS LADY!”

After they do the special, magical eyescan to determine that it’s really her, she angrily asks for some ANSWERS. Here are the ANSWERS, ma’am: Mystique showed up looking like you and had some henchmen and they busted Lady Marmalade… er… Mastermind… out of the brig. Hill is shown a corridor loaded with body bags. The one they call Sabretooth, he’s the one who killed a bunch of officers.

Long story short, they’re all gonna be boned for a while.

Later, Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde have a pow-wow in the Xavier’s old office while the rest of staff and kids ambles around looking at books or striking awkward poses. “I couldn’t read their minds,” Grey says, feeling like a failure. As if Magneto doesn’t have super Magento powers that block psychic abilities, no doy.

Anyway, where can they find these creeps? Where is the New Xavier School of Woodworking and French Cooking? “I must say,” Grey adds, “Scott Summers seems genuinely disappointed in all of you as you are with him.” Who cares what Scott Daffodil Summers thinks? Just so long as he doesn’t scoop up any students, he can think anything he wants to think. He can think about banging a 12-year-old Jean Grey for all anyone cares! Gross! That’s a federal crime dude, don’t think about doing that you horrible degenerate.

Well, the Stepford Cuckoos are probably going to leave since they were tagging along with Emma anyway (and readers of Uncanny X-Men will already know that they do, indeed, go). “Oh well, no more creepy crazy identical triplet stares,” says Old Iceman. What a loss!

Wolverine points out that, under normal circumstances, this would be the perfect opportunity to send someone undercover. But there’s no such thing as normal circumstances in the X-Men world, so never mind. Pryde concedes that if any students want to leave, that’s their prerogative. Can’t force kids to stay, I guess, even though the whole X-Men credo seems to be “forcing kids to stay since they’re mutants that need to leave society”! That pesky chestnut.

Table this topic for now, because Maria Hill is calling on the hologram phone! “X-People, you wouldn’t happen to know where Raven Darkholme is? She’s not on staff there or anything?”

‘Cause… you see… um…

Well, she just busted someone very dangerous out of prison, and now she’s doing very dangerous things with other dangerous bad guys! They have wasted no time doing generally bad things across the whole country, such as stealing a lot of money and smoking cigarettes right next to no-smoking signs! “We have a lot of dead civilians and S.H.I.E.L.D. agents which means that we have a real problem.” Dead civilians I can understand, but dead cops? The world is better off!

And guess what, freaks? She wanted Captain America first, but she doesn’t know where he is right now! So the mutants are the backup plan. How’s that for confidence?

Here’s the only info they have. That little Cyclops bastard said a lot of things to Mystique. He’s the one you want. Hang him up to dry! Let him pee his diaper for a while, teach him a lesson.

Speak of the devil, he has wandered back out to the front yard of the school grounds. The Bad X-Men appear in a large, blue bubble. Radioing in from afar. “You’re still here?” Old Scott seems a teensy incredulous. “Why don’t you go home? I mean, back to your time.”

It’s because they all opted to stay. If going back in time means Jean Grey dies and Xavier dies, then they might as well stay in the present and try to fix what hasn’t happened yet. Old Cyclops thinks this is dumb as dirt. At any rate, they have returned to collect their new recruits? Step forward, all ye who want to cross into the dark side!

The Stepford Cuckoos do. They’ve already done this! They’re doing it again!

Who else? Nobody? OK, well, they have parting gifts. Everyone grab a little baggie and–

“I’m coming with you,” pipes in an unknown voice.

“No,” says Young Scott.

“Oh no,” says Kitty Pryde.

“You — you can’t do this!” says Wolverine.

“WHO WILL JOIN THE UNCANNY X-MEN? FIND OUT NEXT ISSUE!”

Final Thoughts

It’s Young Angel. Duh.