Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “I Am Gotham (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to a backstory about the origins of Gotham and Gotham Girl, aka Henry and Claire, who pumped iron and read books after Batman saved their family from being mugged and tortured and killed and sent to the eighth dimension where their consciousnesses would be aware in a void for all eternity by some random street tough in the alley.

Batman helps the Gotham Kids save people from a bridge explosion. The caped crusader encourages them to keep on doing what they’re doing, so they both fly to a burning building where Professor Hugo Strange is waiting with, ahem, a man called “Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions”.

And I wish that piqued my interest more, but Tom King failed in that respect. Again, I’d rather see more fiery plane crashes. But a man can dream.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 4)”

Batman is in a burned-out husk of a building. A woman, presumably Gotham Girl, cowers against the wall hugging her legs, repeating “I’m scared. I’m very scared.” Batman reports to Alfred that there are 27 dead soldiers littered around the floor. *kicks bodies* Yes, very dead. “I need you to check the city,” he instructs his butler after telling him that this seems to be the work of someone with Superman-like powers. Better start with Superman. Alfred could wrestle that bitch to the ground, I’d put all my money on it.

Meanwhile, Gotham is stopping a man from jumping off a building and committing the dreaded suicide. After some soothing words and some peppy sentiments, the man decides to say that the Monster Men are coming and presses his thumb against a handheld detonator, blowing the roof off the building and sending all the police flying everywhere. Whoops!

Gotham Girl has been squirreled away to the Batcave where she is still very scared. Alfred offers her coffee, then tea, then some of his patented Cajun Chili with the spices and the zydeco music. Duke Thomas tries to comfort her, probably because he wants to get himself a piece, but then Batman’s voice rings over some hidden intercom. “Mr. Thomas. Have you completed your analysis of the crime scene? Mr. Thomas, I have eyes on Gotham. I need that analysis now.”

Alfred stands there looking like a man who has been beaten by demands and instructions for the last seven decades. He turns to Duke: “We go, Master Duke, where we are needed most.” So Duke groans and grumbles because he needs to step away from the pretty girl and crunch some numbers for the nerd in the bat suit.

Gotham Guy is lifting up large I-Beams and mumbling that he can fix this cacophony of fucked-up-edness. He says this over and over: “I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this.” He’s acting like quite the loony toon! A real Daffy Duck! That’s all, folks!

You’re barely even a man. You’re like some sort of ferret.

Batman watches the guy carrying these big, heavy beams and straight-up tells him that he’s just going to make everything worse if he keeps this up. “You don’t know what I can do!” Gotham throws the beam right over Batman’s head and through the windshield of Batman’s goddamned Batmobile. “You’re right, Hank. I don’t. But I thought I did. I looked into you, watched you, tested you. You aren’t hurt like I’m hurt. You aren’t weak like I’m weak. I go down with the plane. You lift it out of the air. I thought I could save this city. Like I never could. So, yes, I thought I knew what you could do.” Now Batman grits his teeth like he’s ready to crack open a delicious walnut. “Before I came across twenty-seven dead men in a burning building.”

This is a revelation for Gotham. “No!” he yells before flying off in another direction, leaving Batman there to shake his head and consider early retirement. At this moment, Duke radios in with some information. He’s like “should I send it to the car” and Batman is like “no, Duke, do not send it to the car” lol lol.

Anyway, the serial numbers on all the dead soldiers’ dog tags? They all add up to 24. No foolin’. 24. The Jack Bauer Special. “I cross-referenced that with your backdoors into the military databases,” Duke continues. “It refers to a unit. Twenty-four, that’s the letter of the unit. The twenty-fourth letter. X.”

Batman growls. “Task Force ‘X’.”

*sinister oboe music plays*

Elsewhere, Amanda Waller (who hired Professor Strangeman) sits at her desk while General or Captain or Admiral or Rear-Admiral or Private First Class or Mr. Military Uniform Esq. tells her not to worry about “him”. “He’s not going to connect this… incident with us. And even if he did, this site isn’t on any books. He can’t find us…” Etc. Etc. Etc. Batman is no match for the government!

Except, and Amanda Waller points this out with grace and poise, that Batman is right behind him at this very moment.

“Ms. Waller,” Batman says with his gravelly gruff. “I think it’s time we talked.” He smashes the military guy’s head against the wall and kicks his gun out of his hand. Waller is calm. “Sure,” she says. Calmly.

Here’s the long and short of it. Ever since you, Batman, showed up in Gotham, the city has been overrun by insane creeps and baddies galore. Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Sally Struthers. “I was tasked to put out the flames,” Waller says. “I assessed that two of my men would be enough for the job. Psycho-Pirate, who controls emotions, to handle the problems. Hugo Strange, who controls criminals, to handle the Psycho-Pirate.”

Well, it didn’t work! These two are crazy nutso, betrayed the plan, and used the Gotham Kids to kill 27 soldiers in a burning building. If that’s not an lmao I don’t know what is!

But good thing Batman is here to help straighten everything back out! Waller knows where the Psycho-Pirate and Strange are, and she’ll work with Batman. How’s that for an offer you can’t refuse?

Batman eventually figures out, somehow, that Gotham pulled his mask off in the burning building for a split second to cool down. But one of the “dead” soldiers wasn’t really dead. He was just playing possum. He took a picture of Gotham’s pretty face. Ran it through Task Force X databases. Discovered Gotham’s parents. Killed them. And now he’s out for revenge. PETTY.

“Put him down, Gotham,” Batman says as Gotham hoists this motherfucker into the air by his shirt. “This isn’t you. This is Psycho-Pirate.” But Gotham is so crazed with being possessed, or whatever, that he’s ready to kill the guy who killed his parents! PETTY.

Batman says Gotham will just make things worse if he kills the guy. Sounds like a challenge to me!

*sinister bassoon music plays*

“No!” cries Batman like a little treehugger. Gotham grabs Batman’s head. “But, you see, maybe that’s better. Maybe that’s the way it should be.”

He sacrificed everything in the name of keeping Gotham City safe. And for what? Letting the city betray you? “It destroys you!” Gotham yells. “It destroys everything… it destroys everything! In Gotham, the Monster Men are always coming.”

Gotham’s gonna turn into a bad guy. Watch this:

“I can’t fix it. No. No, no, no, I can’t. But I can make it worse. I can just wipe it out. I can’t save Gotham, Batman. But I can kill it before it hurts anyone else.”

Batman just lies there wimpering.

Final Thoughts

OH NO, DID THE POOR WIDDLE “GOOD GUY” GET TRIGGERED AND NOW HE CAN’T HANDLE IT??? Speaking of triggered, I get easily triggered by everything from packing my kids’ lunches in the morning to hearing the word “legislation”, so I’m not one to make fun of anyone getting triggered. But seriously, this guy is fucking triggered. LOL.