Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #97 – “Bridge the Past and Future” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Superman and Mongul beat up a guy who is supposed to be Imperiex but he’s not. He actually only answers to Imperiex, who is even bigger than Fake-Imperiex! Also, Mongul betrays Superman for roughly 45 nanoseconds before Superman turns the tables.

It’s Christmas and Lois Lane is eating Chef Boyardee ravioli alone in the apartment.

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Lois Lane stole an artifact from the vicinity of the Fortress of Solitude while she and Superman were cavorting around Antarctica, which led to an entity named Kem-L to storm his way through Lois and Clark’s apartment. There’s a dumb fight. Also, Perry White yells at Jimmy Olsen.

This is the final issue of the Superman: No Limits collection. I hope you were just as confused trying to keep all these stories straight as I was! Comics are rough, man. You gotta be some sort of Rubik’s Cube genius to navigate through this stuff!

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #97 [February, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Bridge the Past and Future”

“RETURN OF THE ERADICATOR WITH A VENGEANCE!”

Sounds sexy. Tell him he can come over and eradicate the sperm from my balls.

Of the four series represented by this collection, Superman: The Man of Steel is by far the worst one. Mark Schultz leaves a lot to be desired. He is now ON NOTICE along with Mark Waid. In fact, let’s throw all the Marks into the ON NOTICE bin. They can fight each other to try to get in my good graces.

“I am not a believer of apocalyptic destiny. I’m a scientist, a firm adherent to the principle of cause and effect. I know that mankind’s morbid fascination with cataclysm associated with the turning of the millennium means absolutely nothing to the rest of the universe.”

Well, well, well, if John Henry Irons were around my neck of the woods in 1999, he could’ve told my aunt this and she wouldn’t have spent the better part of the year stockpiling water and cans of baked beans! I wonder if she ever ate all those beans…

Irons talks about the number ten and its significance to humans. We’re so stupid to think that numerology matters and is real and it’s why Donald Trump will rise from the ashes to become supreme ruler of Shit America.

BUT, John Henry Irons was awakened to a strange reality when the clock struck midnight, January 1st, 2000. “The day the bottom dropped out, and the rules changed forever. The day everything was transformed.”

GET THE GOOD PART, YOU LOUSY COMIC BOOK. Ughh, you won’t, will you? You’re actually going backward in time to December 31st, 1999. The day before all our clocks threw up and computers were eradicated forever. Irons and his niece, Natasha, were moving some equipment into an old mill that he was leasing for his business.

I’m going to kick this guy’s ass so hard.

Natasha tells him to cork it. She’s been grumpy and cranky ever since her uncle ruined her Christmas break by making her help set up 250,000 tons of equipment! Is something wrong, dear? Is she not happy with their new gross steel mill that will double as a new home?

“Home? This shanky pile in the middle of a muy bizzaro white bread city? Maybe you’re at home wherever you set up your workbench…” she grumbles. A fair point. She uprooted her life, left her mother/family for reasons unknown to me at this moment, to a place where she has no friends. Seems kind of shitty to me too. Especially the white people part. White people are the fucking worst.

“And– AND– it’s been two months to the day that I finally learned he was HIV positive!” she yells, gripping a purple teddy bear, “He never told me. You took your sweet time. Happy New Year– HA!”

Heh, well, yeah… uh… yeah, that’s a lot to process. Uncle John is going to make a couple of TV dinners! The ones with the brownie! And he taped a couple episodes of *checks 1999 TV Guide* Nash Bridges! Whattaya say?

Whew, good thing something broke the awkwardness. Superman himself taps on a window outside the mill. He brought a housewarming gift! A giant chunk of metal!

Looks great! Just think about all the magnets I’ll be able to stick to this baby!

Irons is geeked! Maybe this will cheer up Natasha! “Come over and check out this meteor, and say hello to…”

She tells them both to go fuck themselves. Did the room just get colder? Superman certainly felt it! Heh heh, well, time to boogie! Good luck with whatever you think you’re gonna do here, Irons! Bye!

And Superman zooms off. Irons scolds his niece for being rude, but she doubles down on the rudeness and tells her uncle that Superman was giving him the ol’ side-eye like he was his competition. “And if you weren’t so starstruck, maybe you’d notice the alert signal on your atmospheric whatchamacallit has been mad flashing,” Natasha scolds back, pointing a thumb at a computer that’s a foot away from them.

Oh snap, you’re right. Pizza’s here! Just kidding! There’s some really alarming fluctuations in the ion field, which is heading right for Metropolis! LOL!

WELCOME TO A FEW PAGES OF ERADICATOR ORIGIN STORY! I really kind of just remembered that the Eradicator was a thing that was covered in Issue #95 and Issue #96. I “can’t wait” to find out more about him/her/they/them.

“What am I? In the beginning I was a simple navigational aid…”

Ok, we’re going to get into some Isaac Asimov malarkey. Time for paraphrasing! He’s essentially an android imprinted with the psyche of his creator, the Cleric. Then he ended up on Krypton and was mangled up and turned into a killing machine by Kem-El, destined to destroy anything that is even remotely non-Kryptonian. Flowers, marbles, Estonians, pencils, you name it.

“But now all control is lost– all proportion is gone as all these components, layers and layers of them, rage against each other.”

Hmm, yes, that sounds like a real problem. Raging against the layers and layers of components of the machine. Not a very good band name. Let’s keep it more succinct next time.

I do appreciate the yellow text over the light blue background. Very easy to read. Comfortable on the eyes.

Now there’s something about these raging components getting all intertwined with the corpse and persona of some scientist named David Connor, which complicates things further and sends the raging components into an even more ENRAGED state. Fighting, fighting, always fighting! The fighting never ends! Why won’t you get along, components? Does the corpse and persona of David Connor have to turn this car around??

“The creation of Kem-L led to the death of my – Connor’s – estranged wife… as it would have to m– Connor’s children… had I left them at risk from the ticking time bomb within me.”

“I did not.”

Hey Mark Schultz, you ugly sack of wet cement, who hired you for this job? Because of your bachelor’s degree in Eradicator Anthropology? That you forged?

To make it even CRAZIER, all the complications are not even internal anymore. Now there are external forces. External forces such as THE RUINED FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE! Wubba lubba dub dub!

There’s a spirit of another Eradicator there! Horning in on the turf! It’s driving Eradicator Prime wild! He needs to fight for control! He needs the control! He needs to control! Oh God! Oh God!

So, he decides that his path is clear: anyone who would do any harm to anything and not just Kryptonians must be eradicated! The predators and anarchists and destroyers of civilizations and pedophiles and Among Us fans and Twitter celebrities and heretics and republicans and school shooters and drug smokers. And that sounds reasonable. I sure am glad this all makes a lot of sense.

The Eradicator flies to a prison on Stryker’s Island and starts burning and blowing up the joint.

No, no, no. Hold on… let’s see how this plays out…

Back in Irons Land, the chaotic Stryker Island situation is decided to be a good way to test out the ol’ Special Crimes Unit riot gear! That includes the lovely Steel suit for John himself, and a big hulking impossible-to-operate thing for a Captain named Maggie. Irons keeps making no guarantees on the effectiveness, if any, of the equipment. LET’S GO!

“Well, there’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned field test for building confidence in new equipment!” he says jubilantly as they fly on over the fucked up destruction happening on Stryker’s Island. “THIS IS S.C.U. TURF NOW! HIT YOUR MARKS AND MAKE YOUR CAPTAIN PROUD!” Maggie screams as they enter the fray. She’s gonna get so dead.

Irons zooms around and narrates to himself about the actions of the Eradictor, which I’ve already learned is a nice and lazy Mark Schultz plot-forwarding device. Stuff like “man, what’s this guy up to?” and “hey I thought the Eradicator was one of us” and “look at that guy over there doing the bad stuff to the prisoners, that sure is bad” and “looks like I’m the only one here who can stop him”. You know, dumb shit that’s meaningless and inane.

Irons tries to hit him with his hammer but it doesn’t work very well. “You. You are the one called Steel,” Mr. Cracked-Mud-Face Eradicator booms, “We have fought together. Now, would you challenge my efforts to cleanse this nest of vipers?”

Yeah, maybe! …But also, not at all! Sorry for leading you on like that.

That’s only because you don’t have an open mind about it!

Steel’s flailing efforts leave a lot to be desired. The thing about superheroes narrating their own actions, besides being lazy writing, is that it makes them appear to be less capable. Maybe it’s supposed to be endearing that John Henry Irons is only human and, therefore, isn’t perfect when it comes to fighting… well, anything. But I’ll be goddamned if it doesn’t make him sound less than capable to do it. Go home and eat some Doritos. You’re out of your league.

ANYWAY, the funny thing is, Superman swoops in and steals Steel’s thunder! He Steals Steel’s Steely Dan Thunder! It even pissed him off a little bit. “HEY! I had things under control…”

Superman thanks Irons for his efforts, but then asks him to kindly fuck off and let the adults take over, and thank you.

“You too, Superman?” the Eradicator huffs at his counterpart’s bold (even tweedy, you might say) impertinence, “You would prevent the extermination of these vermin?”

Superman has HAD IT with this guy! David Connor or no David Connor, this Eradicator guy is a real bullshit piece of shit nuisance. Bottom line, pal: if you’re still intent on ERADICATING, then the beef is on!

*grrr* *snarl*

“Superman may have exercised his prerogative – and reduced me to a bystander – in the air, but on the ground my nonlethal systems were carrying the day,” Irons narrates. This guy is totally bitter about Superman horning in on the action. This was supposed to be his day!

So he asks Maggie if she needs help. Maggie says no. Ha!

Too bad it was more because Irons’ weapons system is really useful and effective! Would’ve way funnier if they just didn’t like him and wanted him to go home.

Enjoy a chest-full of my eyeball diarrhea, Superman!

Superman and the Eradicator keep fighting. Fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting. Superman mocks the killing machine, arguing that he can still sense that ol’ David Connor in him due to the arrogance. He uppercuts this fuckface right off Stryker’s Island, and that’s a win for now, unless he ends up landing at a school playground. Ha! Whoops!

While Superman flies over to where he launched Eradicator (possibly a petting zoo), he wonders WHY this jerk has been activated and if it has anything to do with the Fortress of Solitude’s “duplicate Eradicator program”. No shit. Maybe it’s just the weather. Eradicators like to come out this time of year.

Superman stops under a bridge to look around for this guy. Nowhere to be seen. Starting to get antsy. Perhaps even nervous.

Then the thing bolts out of the water and pushes Superman through the bridge from its underside. Bridge gets messed up. Cars get messed up. Maybe they’ll need to call Green Lantern to sort out this bridge situation! Especially since a child falls out of a car which is falling off a bridge, which is kind of rude. Should have worn a seatbelt, you insolent little whelp.

Superman observes the Eradicator freaking out before swooping down to catch the falling girl. Superman catches the falling car. Eradicator sobs. “I… I caused this… I nearly destroyed those I’d sworn to protect,” he says while hugging the girl, who looks happy to not be dead but also unhappy being cradled by this terrifying rock-face.

This is all it took for him to calm down, I guess. On Stryker’s Island, Steel Irons Jeremy Irons Steel John Hancock rounds these prisoners back up and considers their operation an “overwhelming success” even though they literally did nothing while Superman did everything, as usual. Most of the prisoners are just shaken up, some slightly hurt, but that’ll learn ‘em to do crimes anyway so it’s an “overwhelming success”!

And here’s another thing! The prison is in ruins! Overwhelming success! For Irons anyway, because they’re going to need his help building it back. Wait’ll he tells Natasha that they’ve got some work, she’ll love continuing to be absolutely miserable here.

Yes! I have a lot of great ideas! Picture this… a 10,000 volt testicle shocker in every cell! Frilly curtains and prison bars made out of granola! Silly Hat Days!

“It was the shock of seeing this girl – so close in age to my youngest son – endangered by my own hand…” Eradicator huffs and puffs, “…that allowed David Connor to regain control.”

Wow, yes, cool. Cool stuff. I always get relieved when rogue Eradicators turn themselves back into the corpse and persona from which they yada yada yada. Too bad it appears to be temporary. Give it another two or three minutes and this guy’s going to start chucking prison toilets at puppies again.

Superman repairs the bridge with his arc welding eyeballs. Eradicator takes his moment of lucidity to explain to Superman that his possessed condition is much more complicated than it originally seemed. Superman isn’t listening. He finishes repairing the bridge and thanks a fat cop and flies away. Eradicator follows him.

“They respect you a great deal,” Eradicator David Connor Whatever says. Again, no shit. He can’t be half the man Superman is in this state. He can’t even be 1/8th the Superman! After that the fractions get a little bit hazy. His only choice, as far as he sees it, is to leave Earth. Forever if he has to, until a solution can be reached. Superman promises to do what he can to end its evil. Eradicator corrects him: it’s not evil, it just is. It just exists. No more and no less.

On Stryker’s Island, Steel looks on near the bridge. “There is something troubling the Man of Steel, and it has something to do with the Eradicator,” he thinks to himself. Can someone drop a piano on this guy’s head? What a waste of everything.

WHATEVER! This is Steel’s moment! Superman’s bullshit can wait another day.

Final Thoughts

That’s it for this collection of Superman comics! Mark Schultz can suck a big old wang, but the rest of the writers they had for these series at this time are pretty good. I liked the writing of Adventures of Superman the most, while the combination of writing and story from the Superman (Vol. 2) issues were the most satisfying overall!

That’s enough Superman for now. Jesus Christ, people.