Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11 – “Chapter Eleven: Roman Holiday”

* Part 11 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11 – “Chapter Eleven: Roman Holiday”! In the previous installment, a civilian gets murdered by Holiday on Independence Day. A lowly coroner down at the docks. Not much happens beside that. We find out Sofia Falcone and Salvatore Maroni are having a tryst. Harvey Dent wants to get the fuck out of Gotham City once everything with Holiday and the Roman blows over. Batman stops a Scarecrow crime.

We’re not any closer to finding the identity of Holiday. I still think it’s Bruce Wayne hopped up on methamphetamines. That’s the only likely conclusion that I can think of!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11 [October, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Eleven: Roman Holiday”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #11

Gilda looks at her smelly husband with her giant doe eyes. “Please. Tell me the truth,” she says. She found something on the workbench in their basement. A gun. The kind that Holiday uses to kill jerks on holidays.

“It’s evidence,” he snaps, swiping the weapon out of her hot little hands. “We’re all working on this ‘Holiday’ thing. It has to stop.”

Gilda is still suspicious. Since when does Harvey bring back evidence from the office? I mean, there was that giant stuffed panda bear he took home from the Giant Stuffed Panda Bear Sacrificial Bonfire Cult case, but that was different! He won that at the cult carnival!

Harvey looks angry enough to beat his wife within an inch of her life. He says he brings evidence home all the time, god fucking cunting damnit! Now out of my way, woman. No more filthy questions from your whore mouth! *stomp stomp stomp* *slam*

The day is August 2nd. Batman enters a bar in broad daylight asking the whereabouts of “him”. The barkeep isn’t taking too kindly to this one question, so he tries hitting Batman with a baseball bat. Batman stops it and beats up the barkeep.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #10

The old “break a chair over my head” gambit? Nice try, pal. I took my vitamins today.

After the brawl is over, the Riddler shows up to put in his two cents: “Why is Batman like a rowboat? They both have a bow to take.” He claps to himself, the only round of applause he’ll likely ever receive. “I’ve been looking for you, Riddler,” Batman growls. The Riddler looks like an emaciated Stanley Tucci. He’s smiling drunk at a corner table.

“On April Fool’s Day, you saw him, didn’t you? You saw ‘Holiday’.”

“Yes. And No.” Riddler hiccups. Batman grabs the shot glass of out his ugly hand and demands to know what the Roman wanted of him that evening. Riddler smiles and tells him that the Roman wanted to know who Holiday was. “He didn’t like my answers.”

Batman thinks that Holiday spared Riddler so that he could tell everyone that the Roman was looking for his identity. It’s all coming together like a jigsaw puzzle with exactly two pieces.

Elsewhere, Carla Falcone, Carmine’s ham-faced sister, is questioning his behavior. The Roman has been hiring freaks and insane people. Riddler! Scarecrow! Mad Hatter! Poison Ivy! And for what? For this! For this?!

Anyway, Sofia enters the room and tells Carla and Carmine that ”they’re ready” for them.

Salvatore Maroni, now the chief witness against Carmine Falcone, smiles through a cigarette while straightening his tie.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #10

Just checkin’ your pecs and gluts, my good man.

Jim Gordon pats the guy down before he strolls into the courtroom. Outside, Vernon offers Maroni a bottle of Pepto Bismol or Pepcid AC or an enema, whatever helps a sour stomach. Maroni is like “huh”, but accepts the bottle.

Harvey Dent is surrounded by charts and graphs, no doubt prepared on his latest version of Microsoft Powerpoint, and calls Maroni to the witness stand. Dent is positively giddy. The case of a lifetime. The beginning of the end of “The Roman Empire” as it were! “And for the first time, perhaps ever, Gotham City will be rid of an evil that has nearly choked the life out of it.”

Yeah, right. Like there aren’t 800 other crime bosses waiting their turn.

Carmine Falcone walks into a surprise birthday party! His family tells him to make a wish over his cake candles, and he smiles quite devilishly at the thought of finally owning a copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop on Blu-Ray.

Maroni testifies, mentions his stomach ulcer, talks about all the fellas he’s murdered and thrown in the Gotham River. The river is just lousy with dead bodies if you wanna check. “I ask you now. Under oath,” Dent points a finger at Maroni. “Didn’t you commit all these murders and felonies under direct orders from Carmine ‘The Roman’ Falcone?”

Maroni starts coughing.

Maroni keeps coughing.

Maroni pulls out the bottle of antacid.

Dent leans in to ask Maroni his question again.

Maroni splashes Dent in the eyes with antacid juice.

Carmine blows out his candles.

Dent screams — screams and writhes on the floor. “You’re dead, Dent!” Maroni shouts. “That stuff’ll eat through cement! Did you really think you had me?! Did you?!”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #10

It sounded like this: EHHH OOOOHH EEEEEEE!!! ARRRGGHHH!! HOOOWAAHHHH!!

At Gotham Hospital, Jim and Barbara Gordon wait with a sobbing Gilda Dent in the hall. The doctor comes through the door. “Mrs. Dent? Your husband… is gone…” he says hilariously. Then he explains that he didn’t die, he just escaped. Heh heh.

Then the doctor doubles over, revealing a knife in his back. Hilarity times two!

We end at the coroner’s office. Carla Falcone is there in secert, thumbing through all the files in the Holiday cabinet; a file for each murdered victim.

Then she gets shot. The end.

Final Thoughts

WHO IS GOING TO STOP THIS HOLIDAY?! WE ONLY HAVE TWO ISSUES LEFT, WON’T SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN?!

Also, where did Harvey Dent go? Disney World??


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East of West, Issue #44 – “Conquest”

* Part 15 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #44 – “Conquest”! In the previous installment, the following happened:

-The Three Horsemen take Babylon to the Valley of the Gods where they died.

-Death visits the Oracle.

-Archibald and Xiaolian are in a heated battle with both sides rather evenly matched.

Two more issues to go! Is Babylon going to eat the Earth like a tasty Chicken McNugget?? He’s a lucky boy!

East of West, Issue #44 [November, 2019]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Conquest”

East of West, Issue #44

“There’s only one way this ends…“

“Don’t just sit there gloating, man, tell me… Are they all gone? Are they all dead?” Bel Solomon looks weary. Archibald pores over his battle plans, puffing on his cigar. No, they are not all dead. This is taking forever! Can’t we just drop the syphilis bombs?

Xiaolian looks defeated, but then the bombed Widowmakers start rising from the bloodshed. “It’s not so easy to kill a Dragon,” her sideman says. “Not so easy to kill a Widowmaker.”

They get up and prepare to charge Archibald’s army again. “We win or die here today! Forward! For MAO!”

Lots of fighting.

Lots of carnage.

Lots of blood.

Lots of guts.

Lots of cum.

I’m just adding some space so I can post a panel.

Do I have enough room yet?

I think so?

Yeah, I’ll give it a go.

East of West, Issue #44

War is Heck, man. War is Heck.

“I’m sorry, my love…” Xiaolian speaks into her one-way Death walkie-talkie. “If you can hear me… I’m sorry. I wanted more than anything to see our child again and to hold you both. But I cannot stand by, watching as my people die, and do nothing.” She is presented with a pair of curved blades. She’s gonna enter the fray!

Bel Solomon brings this to Archibald’s attention…

Wolf and Freeman are in awe…

And Xiaolian is ready to fuck a bitch up!

“One of us lives, one of us dies.”

“Mao has left her perch and is headed for the battlefield, sir!” screams Archibald’s very open-mouthed general. “What do you want us to do?”

Archibald tells him to do nothing. This is for him to enjoy.

East of West, Issue #44

That Carlos Mencia is hilarious!

He doesn’t care about acts of bravery. He has so sympathy for fools. He’s going to take advantage of this tout suite. He laughs maniacally! This is entertainment of the highest order! Grab the popcorn and the Milk Duds! “Sit back, Bel. Sit back and watch.”

Xiaolian looks absolutely deranged as she decapiates a Confederate soldier.

“This here is bloodsport,” Archibald continues, savoring each word like it’s candy on his tongue. “And it is undertaken for our amusement.”

Heads keep rolling. Xioalian is good at this. Arms, limbs. She swipes, they fall. She stands atop a giant pile of bodies while about 50 soliders train their guns on her. “Well, come on,” she says. “Who wants to die next?”

Archibald calmly revels in the calamity. He’s impressed, that’s for sure, but not impressed enough for mercy. Not even on his best day would this snakey motherfucker be merciful. “All I can offer is a swift end. Which I will not.” He means to drag this out. Cause pain and suffering and torture. Slowly.

I’ve been predicting this for many issues, but this right here is going to be his downfall.

“John, I want you to do something for me,” Wolf says, pointing at his erect penis.

East of West, Issue #44

Now suplex that cactus over there. SUPLEX IT!

In the Valley of the Gods, Babylon is roughhousin’ with Conquest. Lots of rasslin’ on the ground, trying to beef this kid up to be the Great Beast. War is pleased with his progress. “You’re the manifestation of Death pushing himself too far. You’re his weakness… and you’ll be his undoing.”

Babylon is like “cool story, bro” and says he can think of another way of looking at things. Balloon chimes in to say that Babylon, as you all remember, was born and raised in a virtual environment. He’s run through thousands upon thousands of scenarios just like this one. Famine “Hrmpt!”s at this! Conquest, though, finds this information worthy of consideration. “He’s the Great Beast.” He looks to War. “Why don’t you ask him what we should do.”

Babylon has figured out how to beat Death! He’s been crunching the numbers and it’s foolproof! Ready for it? Here it is…

Apologize. Be his friend and apologize. Give Babylon back, he’ll let bygones be bygones. Promise.

“…yeah, can’t see that coming to pass,” says War. “We’re just going to have to fight it out.”

“Well then…” Babylon responds. “You’re fucked.”

Speaking of fucked, Xiaolian waits for the inevitable butchering of her person. “LET’S FINISH THIS!” she says, but the roaring of the Hell Beast, Buer, rumbles in the background. Ye Gods!

It speaks!

“Thissss isssss what comesss of war. Death and dying in vain. Sssssweet oblivion for the meatssssss.”

Oh, he’s eating everyone up all right. Freeman rides him like a horse and orders him to grab Xiaolian and get the hell out of here. He obeys.

East of West, Issue #44

Ew.

Xiaolian angrily asks Freeman why he saved her. Because Wolf asked. Wolf asked and Freeman said ok. “Something about him and your husband. Debts and honor and a bit more bullshit. I agreed because you didn’t deserve to go out like that. So when you see my brother, make sure you thank him… But remember, it was me who got it done.”

Fair enough, boss.

Archibald’s very loud and constantly horrorstruck general asks if they should pursue them. Archibald asks what for? He thought at first a slow death would be fun, but leaving her alive with nothing? There’s a certain deliciousness to that as well! “It suits her,” he says, obviously packed to the gills with sour grapes.

Flashback to the Axis when War plucked the Oracle’s eyeballs right out of her sockets. “I spoke too much truth… I spoke of love… And your defeat at the hands of it,” she tells Death, who, as you recall, is paying her a little visit.

Death takes out his gun and shoots her shackles right off of her. “Yes… That’s part of it.” She lunges at Death nudely. “But not all. You still owe me an eye, Death!”

And he brought her one all right. A rhyming type, to be sure.

She doesn’t want it.

East of West, Issue #44

Tastes like chicken!

“I’ve always hated them – my old eyes. Because I’ve always known… They were never the pair I was meant to end with.”

“Shit,” Death says to himself right before the Oracle plucks his remaining eye out of its socket.

“Thank you, Death. Thank you for righting this old wrong.”

She suddenly morphs into a very beautiful, but very sad, but very vibrant, woman. “Ah. Ah, much better. Now, you blind fool of a man…” she grabs his hand gingerly. “Let’s go find your son.”

Meanwhile, Archibald kicks up his heels. “Tell me, Bel… Was today as satisfying for you as it was for me?” And Bel all but tells Archibald that he can go fuck himself with a barbed wire pineapple. He’s tired of all this. He can’t take it anymore. “Can’t we just put an end to this?” Bel asks, implying his own swift death. Absolutely not! If anything else, Archibald wants to raise him up! He’s Bel Solomon, go-getter extraordinaire! And then Archibald will strike him down! Ha!

Suddenly, a large explosion rocks their ship. Soldiers get picked off left and right. Archibald tells Bel to strap in, this is the part where he’ll be raised up!

It’s Thomas the Hunter. It’s Justice. And he’s here to deliver it.

Archibald looks on smugly. “Hmmm… so you say… so we’ll see.”

Final Thoughts

One more issue to go! I don’t know how in the ungodly fuck they’re going to wrap this up. Maybe Issue #45 will be 44 times longer than a regular issue? That might do nicely.


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Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82!

This is the third part of the “Love Showdown” four-part arc! Catch the first part here. Catch the second part here Catch the third part here. Oh wait, you’re already here.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82 [November, 1994]

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

”Love Showdown (Part 3)” – Dan Parent

In my headcanon, after only reading two issues of any Archie comic book so far, Archie is completely oblivious that either girl actually likes him. He’s got this “Aw shucks, a flower for me? That’s a great thing for a friend to do!” attitude. He has no fucking clue that he could be getting his dick sucked by both of them at the same time any day he wanted it. Does he not know this shit?

Archie and Veronica are jitterbuggin’ at the Lodge Family Fundraiser for Helping the Diseased Children Matt Gaetz Has Fucked, but Archie feels bad for leaving Betty behind to fix his car. It’s like, yeah, you should feel bad. Did you hear yourself saying it out loud? It doesn’t sound good, sir.

A few boys turn their attention toward the door where a new patron has entered.

“I-It’s Betty!” stammers Archie.

“I don’t believe it!” stammers Veronica, not believing it.

“Hi guys! I thought I’d pop in!” Betty jubilates.

“Well, pop out!” yells Veronica. “You don’t have tickets for tonight!”

Betty doesn’t care. She’ll crash any Matt Gaetz-related fundraiser she wants. Since she’s a friend of the family, Veronica’s dad let her in! Let’s boogie, kids!

Veronica throws shade about Betty’s dress (which used to be hers) and motions to Archie to come on over and throw some of his own shade. Archie, instead, drools and starts stroking his dang ol’ ding dong. He and every other teenage boy in the room. Betty soaks up the attention. Veronica has had it.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

I JUST DID A KEY BUMP, BOYS! THE NIGHT IS YOUNG!

Veronica rips Archie’s arm out of his socket dragging him to the other side of the room, away from Betty and her lousy pheromones. The boys all take turns dancing with Betty. Archie can’t stop staring like a lovesick baboon, and, finally, it’s his turn to get freaky with the girl next door. “HERE I COME!” he hollers, running at her like she’s a steak while Veronica smacks her head all like “D’oh!”

Archie and Betty “tear up the dance floor”, so to speak while Veronica fumes and shits herself with anger. “This is my worst nightmare, Betty getting more attention than me, especially from Archie!”

Now, maybe I’m just blind to Archie’s alleged charms, but this kid has no fucking charisma. What’s to like about this nerd? Does he have a 45-inch dick or something? 45-inch balls?

Veronica decides to jump right between Betty and Archie and leap around like a crazed leopard. “Paula Abdul, eat your heart out!” she exclaims (lol) while Betty looks livid and Archie looks somewhat scared. Time for a good old fashioned competition!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

I knew it! Ronnie’s a squirter!

Betty starts doing splits and cartwheels, which Veronica can’t stand seeing without trying some of her own moves. It culminates in her splashing her vagina right in the punchbowl, ruining the evening (or enhancing it) for everyone. “I meant to do that!” she smiles, dripping wet, ass soaking up all the punch.

“Archie! Are you going to help me, or what?” Veronica reaches out of Archie’s hand, but he’s with Betty roughly 340 feet away.

“Oh, sure! I was just lining up my next dance with Betty!”

Well, fuck this shit. Veronica is fucking out of here. As she takes a pensive walk down the street, she realizes that she needs to fight fire with fire. “Maybe I need to take some new steps in keeping Archie!” she says.

Veronica’s going to bash Betty’s head in with a rock, calling it now.

The next day, Veronica has burned a batch of muffins to a crisp. This will surely impress Archie! He loves eating charcoal! “Betty’s homing in on my glamorous territory,” Veronica tells her alarmed father as smoke fills the kitchen, suffocating everyone, “so I’ve decided to pick up some of her Archie-grabbing domestic traits!!”

Easy on the fucking exclamation points, Ronnie. You don’t want to bust a vocal chord.

Veronica made a huge mess in the kitchen, but that’s ok! Their grossly underpaid servants can clean it up for her. Veronica then throws all the muffins in a sack and carries them over to where Archie and Betty are hanging out: some nondescript area near the street. She offers Archie a horrible muffin, which he politely takes even though he knows it’s going to kill him. “HMM! UGH! GRUNT!” he bawls while trying to even sink his teeth into the rock hard lump of petrified carbon.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

Delicious, Veronica. It tastes like if dirt was covered in dirt.

“My tooth! I broke my tooth!” whines Archie. Betty’s gonna take him to the dentist because why not? Archie doesn’t have parents with insurance or anything. Veronica dumps her muffins in the garbage angrily as Jughead approaches and makes fun of them for looking like they’re hard as rocks. “Get out of my life forever, creep,” she says, throwing a muffin right at his dome.

Now Reggie shows up to give Veronica some shit. Betty’s competing with Veronica and winning Archie because she’s trying to be Veronica! This is something that Reggie, who I thought was very, very dumb, points out to her.

“Archie getting that love note has left you shaken,” Reggie tells her.

“It’s a last ditch attempt!” she says, thinking about being Betty and going the nice route. Good tactic. Maybe she can try making Archie some muffins!

Nope, Reggie’s got a plan. He’s mean and conniving and dastardly and he’s going to make a real man out of Veronica! Just you wait!

But next time. This story is over for now! One last installment to go! I “can’t wait”.

”The Doorstop” – Frank Doyle

Archie and Jughead are rollerblading like it’s 1994! Betty and Veronica make fun of these dorks with lines like “Where are Grumpy, Sneezy, and Dopey?” and “Far as I’m concerned they’re both Dopey!” Settle down, girls. You’re going to go to Hell if you keep up this rudeness.

Betty fawns over the boys as they zip away. “They are pretty good on those blades, though.”

Veronica wants a pair of her very own! So she sends in 450 cereal box tops and waits eight weeks for them to arrive at her door. Betty visits and finds Veronica zipping around the indoor pool area perimeter with her blades and two-piece bathing suit, one slip away from drowning forever! “I’m going to beat the pants off those egotistical roadrunners,” Veronica says of Archface and Jugface. Betty thinks that’s swell and keen, but why the FUCK is she practicing in the pool area? Because it’s private! And why does that matter? Because she wants to go public only when she’s really, really, really, really good. Keep up.

“Watch this!” Veronica says, doing triple lutzes on the poolside, one poor move away from splitting her head open forever! But no, she’s a real natural; flipping and twirling and doing backflips and indie nosebones and 900 shoveits and all sorts of other cool, dope moves.

“I think you’ve mastered the sport, girl! You’re going to blow them away!”

“That’s my fondest wish!”

Time to take this to the streets! Betty opens the front door so that Veronica can make a grand exit, but it works as well as a screen door on a butthole. A draft blows through the house and… well… you know.

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

Veronica died on the way back to her home planet.

The whole town talks about Veronica’s black eye. The end.

”Game Plan” – Frank Doyle

“Betty! It’s Mr. Lodge! He sounds very agitated! What would Veronica’s father want with you?”

Betty’s nearly-identical mother can’t fathom that maybe Veronica’s father wants to fuck her daughter’s young, teenage friend and lose everything he has in a divorce and a lawsuit.

Mr. Lodge looks like a Sharknado just tore through his lower intestine. “Betty! Please! Get over here as soon as you can! We’ve got trouble!”

Trouble only Betty Cooper can fix?? SHE’LL BE RIGHT THERE, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! YOU KNOW, SHE WAS JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF HOMEWORK, BUT, YEAH, THIS SEEMS MORE IMPORTANT! CERTAINLY SOMETHING RONNIE’S FATHER CAN’T DO HIMSELF, I’M SURE!

Betty shows up to find a happy Veronica clicking around her computer. Mr. Lodge looks concerned. “ZELKO!!” he shrieks like a mental patient. “She’s hooked on it!”

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

OK, sir, clearly you need to take your medicine and lie down.

Zelko is the hottest new game in town, and Veronica is addicted. And when she gets the high school, she feels a rush of adrenaline! Then she wants to beat that high score? Can you believe it?? Sounds like Betty needs to perform, at the very least, a lobotomy-exorcism.

Veronica hops around ecstatically. “Soon I’ll be the absolute Zelko master!!” she cries, doing the Snoopy dance. The record is 900 bricks, and she just scored 750.

Betty has hatched a plan. “Madame Duswank’s sportswear shop is having a fabulous sale at the mall!” Betty says, motioning toward the front door. Veronica doesn’t care; there’s fuckin’ Zelko to play.

“S-She passed up a chance to shop!” Betty tells Mr. Lodge. Things are definitely serious. Pretty soon she’ll throw Archie into a jet engine just to get a score of 825.

Veronica has the face of a serial killer as she cheers herself on during the next game. “Pack those bricks in nice and snug,” she tells herself, which is what she’ll be doing to Archie’s rectum just to get a score of 840.

“Time to haul out the big guns!!” Betty exclaims. She tells her that Archie wants to go to the movies. “You go with Archie while I try to beat this game!” Veronica replies hungrily.

Mr. Lodge is hopping and hooting and hollering! “Giving up Archie? That tears it!”

So what does Mr. Lodge do? He fucking rips the computer out of the wall in the middle of the night and, with the help of Smithers, packs into the car. Smithers is to drive into the lake and, if possible, not die. But don’t feel like you have to live, Smithers. This computer needs to go at any cost. “I’ll lose it, sir,” says Smithers. “But I suggest you replace it with something to take her mind off her loss!”

So Mr. Lodge buys Veronica a car. And the conniving little pistol was playing the long con!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #82

Looks like a poor person’s idea of a rich person’s car, lady.

Final Thoughts

Zelko sounds fun. Rollerblading is fun, too. Hanging out with Archie? Not so much.


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The Final Photos

I’m all done! Actually, I was all done in January, and then it was fully healed by March, but I’m a busy man and I can’t be bothered to tear myself away from all the stupid Star Wars books I’m apparently reading.

What a journey it’s been! I’d thank my tattoo artist, but he has a very unique name and I’m afraid he might stumble upon this shitty blog and sneer at my decision to write up various Archie comics. Let’s just say his initials are GK and he did a bang-up job. He’s a really cool guy and, in spite of my crushing social anxiety and my tendency to be extremely nervous and intimidated by artistic types, he made me very comfortable. I couldn’t be happier.

OK, it was Gifford Kasen, owner of Logan Square Tattoo out of Chicago. The following photos are his and I don’t own them. Thanks Gifford! You are, as they say, the man.

This concludes the Chronicles of the Tattoo, at least until I get my next one someday. Smell ya later, nerds.

Chronicles of the Tattoo - The Final Photos

Chronicles of the Tattoo - The Final Photos

Chronicles of the Tattoo - The Final Photos


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Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “The Tape (Part 1)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the My Life as a Weapon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “The Tape (Part 1)”! In the previous installment, Clint Barton and Kate Bishop are involved in a high-speed chase after a mysterious redheaded woman (WHOM BARTON BONED) shows up in their lives. Using a slew of interesting custom arrows, each one more interesting than the last, Barton and Bishop thwart the assailants!

Then Barton and the Redhead kiss before her flight! D’oh!

We probably won’t be continuing that story. This issue is apparently about a tape. That sounds very *yawn* exciting, doesn’t it?

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [January, 2013]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“The Tape (Part 1)”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

“You ever kill anybody, Clint?” Kate Bishop asks as we see a quick scene of Hawkeye shooting someone with two prostitutes right in the eyeballs. Two arrows, two eyeballs. Do the math.

“’Scuse me?” Barton responds, spitting beer all over the place.

“Did you ever kill anybody?” she repeats. These two are on the roof of Barton’s apartment building. It’s an orange day outside, to be sure.

The guy who grills on the roof has a weigh-in about this: “HELL NO THAT BOY NEVER KILLED ANYBODY. THEY DON’T LET YOU IN THE AVENGERS IF YOU KILL PEOPLE.”

Thanks, Chief. Clint Barton argues that he ain’t no superhero. No powers, no moral compass, just a keen eye and some bows and/or arrows. That’s Clint, baby.

Suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, a large rectangular ship arrives and hovers above the building. Two superheroes descend upon ropes, kidnap Barton, and fly away immediately. No one on the roof seems to care. They think this is all just some Avengers shit.

And it is, coincidentally. Barton sits defiantly at a table with Maria Hill and Captain America. “The tape got out, Clint,” she says with a stern look of “go get fucked” on her face. “It’s out there. The videotaped record of Operation: Eucritta.”

Oh no! Maybe I can put it on my shelf next to my VHS of Operation Dumbo Drop.

Barton doesn’t know what to say, other than “whoops, how did that happen?” In fact, Barton intended to leak his sex tape “Clint’s Clits ‘n’ Cunts”, but not this! Plus, this was something S.H.I.E.L.D. was supposed to be on top of. Way to go, you clits and cunts.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Look, I just wanted to say “Clint’s Clits ‘n’ Cunts” one more time. Is that too much to ask?

Hill assures Barton that they’re on top of this and he need not worry. Barton freaks out a little bit. “How many tapes? Are there copies, or – Do I need to go on the lam or something?”

Captain America holds up his hand and, for some reason, starts talking. He basically says “it’s a VHS tape” as reassurance. Then he tells Barton that this is really bad. So, in short, thanks for saying something. We all feel better now.

“We have 72 hours before the tape goes up for auction in Madripoor. After that it’s out in the wild. You’re out. The whole operation is out.” This is Maria Hill talking now, piggybacking on Captain America’s soothing words. So guess what, Barton, you little scamp? S.H.I.E.L.D.’s gonna give you every penny it has for you to go to the auction and win back that tape! This seems like the least convoluted, and certainly least expensive, option! If you think of any other ideas, like “kicking ass and stealing the tape”, then, frankly, you’re full of beans.

Back at the apartment, Kate Bishop is still waiting up at 3am. She’s been worried sick, young man, and now you’re grounded. Barton advises her not to ask any questions, and also maybe go away somewhere far while Barton gets away somewhere far. NO QUESTIONS. Just do it and also bring some peanut butter.

“Clint…” Bishop says solemnly, “Can I have your stuff when you’re dead?” He says no. Go buy your own stuff. This is certainly a touching moment. Kate Bishop tells him that he’s got a lot of baggage, and he spends his 30 hour plane ride to Madripoor thinking about nothing else. The nerve of this chick, saying he has a lot of baggage. Why, if she doesn’t watch it he’ll unload all his mommy issues onto her! And furthermore…

Barton turns around and notices a group of mercenaries. They lead Barton into a secluded room and close the door. “They keep it professional. They keep it clean. They take me far enough away that nobody’ll hear any screams or yells or shouts, no matter how harsh the punishment. Good.”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Butter, gasoline, it all tastes good on toast, man.

And then Barton emerges alone! Laugh out loud moment right there, son. He slowly shuffles his way out of the airport. He hops into a cab and asks the driver to, quote, “take me where the action is.” He ends up at one of those glass coffee table shit shows! Ha! Or rather, Barton falls asleep in the cab and the driver attempts to steal his wallet out of his breast pocket. After subduing the driver, a couple of tough guys with red tribal tattoos all over their heads and bodies successfully render Barton useless and steal his wallet for their own damn selves. Now he is without money, identification, Hamburger Helper coupons, and an Avengers punch card where his 10th Salisbury steak is on the house. Luckily, his passport is still safe as is the S.H.I.E.L.D. card that can pay for anything and everything anyway, so we’re good to go. Whew! That was almost a problem!

So Barton takes the wheel of the cab continues to look for, quote, “where the action is.” Apparently, Maldripoor is a fake island created fakely by rich people, so 70% of it isn’t even populated! How much space can there really be for, quote, “where the action is”?

Well, people start hailing his cab and Barton, although happily taking their money, doesn’t know where anything is at. So that’s a problem. “If this was my job I’d absolutely be fired before lunch.”

Naturally, he books it out of the cab and has an early lunch!

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

It’s me, I’m the hobo.

And finally, Clint “Hawkeye” “Poopypants” Barton finds what he’s looking for: The Madripoor Pearl. A luxury hotel with 3000 rooms, a 2km exhibit hall, a 1.5km mall, an indoor amusement park, yada yada yada. Basically, this thing is the size of Manhattan and it’s the biggest eyesore in the city. It was probably next to the fucking airport.

Barton enters the lavish casino (where the action is) and looks like dogshit compared to the rest of the clientele. Immediately, and I do mean immediately, a group of agents pull a bag over Barton’s head and transfer him to a dim room where he gets tied to a chair Reservoir Dogs-style.

A punch right in the face sends the hapless bow-and-arrow-man tumbling, bonking his head against the floor. Like this: BONK.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Now you’re speaking my language!

“Gotcher passport, man,” says one of these well-dressed henchmen. “No weapons, though? That’s crazy.

“In his car,” says another. “He had a bow in the car.”

“Don’t take the Amex Black,” Barton stammers. “Please — Hill will kill me.”

“After we mail your head to Captain America, I’m gonna sell this thing on eBay.”

A woman named Madame Masque “ahems” at the men and takes the passport. “Lights out. Take him up to my room now.”

In this case, “lights out” is a punch to the ol’ head. Then, he’s still tied to a chair but just in another room now. After coming to, he correctly assumes that Madame Masque and Barton are here in Madripoor for the same thing. “The tape. Somebody got the tape, and if it gets out – well, I’m dead and a lot of people are in trouble. I’m here for the same reason you are…”

“…I want to try and buy it.”

Madame Masque has a look of “brrrtt!!!” on her face. “I could just kill you now and short-circuit everybody’s problems,” she says. “To say nothing of saving myself millions of dollars.”

Yeah, Barton is getting outsmarted here. Madame Masque knows that the tape is worth billions.

“An Avenger? On tape committing the assassination of the world’s most wanted criminal terrorist? I should be able to bid just like any of you people,” Barton says. And just what does he mean by “you people”? I think we all know here. Masked people.

When asked for proof that Barton has the funds, Barton manspreads showing off his delicious package. “Look, I’m not exactly thrilled either but none of your guy goons bothered to check. Whereas I have no wallet or passport…”

Madame Masque is like “yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I fucking get it” and starts rooting around for about four panels. “I’m going to hang onto this for safekeeping,” she says, having finally procured the smelly credit card from the annals of, uh… “and to make sure you don’t get up to any more shenanigans.”

No shenanigans here, ma’am! Promises promises! He gets taken back to his room, which will now be heavily guarded until morning. They throw his tied-to-a-chair ass onto his bed and, after complaining about needing a sandwich, Barton falls asleep rather immediately.

Assassins scour the room.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Whoops, we accidentally let five trained murderers into the room! Silly us!

Meanwhile, Madame Masque gets confirmation that the credit card is indeed legit. “S.H.I.E.L.D. must want this tape back quite badly,” she says.

And so the auction begins! The little auctioneer nerd lays out the facts. “Today you are bidding on one video tape. It has been viewed by two people, both now deceased. Its credentials are impeccable. Its content one of a kind. Footage of Clint Barton, a.k.a. Hawkeye, committing a political assassination sanctioned by S.H.I.E.L.D. and, ergo, the United States government. Let’s start the bidding at… One hundred million euros.”

This tape sounds like something else, don’t it? It’s too bad I personally taped over with six episodes of Monk. Oh, that Tony Shaloub. That man can really get under my skin!

People bid. The bidding goes up and up. 120, 150, 200, 300, 305…

“One billion,” says a stoic Madame Masque. The auctioneer goes “!”. Then stops the bidding with a last call. “Going once… going twice…”

“Sold to Madame Masque for the startling price of one billion euros.”

That’s a lot of Pokemon cards! That’s a lot of Big Macs! Just think what else a billion smackers will get you. That’s a lot of Snickers bars!

People are hella mad at her.

The smiling auctioneer places the tape in her hands, and she requests round-the-clock security at her room and an escort the next morning to the airport. And a bag of gummi worms!

Madame Masque returns to her room…

…and she’s actually an impos-tor!

Kate Bishop saves the day again!

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #4

This isn’t the sex tape I paid a billion buckaroonies on!

Final Thoughts

Barton falling asleep on his hotel bed while tied to a chair AND a group of assassins skulking five inches away is pretty damn funny, actually. Putting the “comic” back in “comics”, Matt Fraction. Me likey!


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