Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Cherry”

* Part 3 of 5 of the My Life as a Weapon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Cherry”! In the previous installment, Clint Barton and Kate Bishop crash a Cirque du Nuit “event” full of thieves who thieve the audience and then there are thieves who start thieving from the thieves themselves. They’re all thwarted. Barton later says that, although he can do it all himself, he would really like Bishop to help him out with all his missions with the promises that he won’t try to sleep with her at all.

This makes her kind of sad. I think she wants him to sleep with her!

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [December, 2012]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“Cherry”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3

“Okay…” Hawkeye says as he’s involved in a high-speed chase with what appear to be white men in white helmets with AK-47s. “This looks bad.”

“Really… really bad.”

But it’s not that bad! Hawkeye promises! He also promises that things aren’t nearly as bad as they look, right? Right? Right. In fact, it’s only the third-most stupid idea in a set of nine! And it sounds like he’s going to go over each one.

Nine

Clint Barton is in his apartment with Kate Bishop explaining how he’ll be organizing all of his trick arrows. This is dumb idea #9.

“Um. Long and pointy? Keep. Broken and/or dull? Toss.” Bishop really knows how to simplify things. She finds what Barton calls a Boomerang Arrow.

“Why the hell do you need an arrow that comes back to you after you shoot it, Clint?”

“Because… boomerangs.”

Eight

Barton goes out to get some tape. They’re for labelling his nocks, whatever sexual paraphernalia that is.

“Never should’ve left my apartment–” he says as we cut back to the car chase. Barton produces a Bola Arrow, which has little balls on strings that wrap around one of the enemy’s guns. He laughs like it’s the biggest fucking joke in the world. Bola Arrow! Ridiculous!

Seven

After failing to buy tape, Barton sees a 1970 Dodge Challenger outside the store. “Man, I always wanted one of these.”

The redheaded owner tells him to buy one. Barton asks if hers is for sale. She’s like “yeah, if you got money.” Barton has money.

Six

And he’ll be getting that money tout suite!

And then he’s like “wait, shit, is it stolen?”

Who knows if it’s actually stolen! It’s the car that they’re driving during the chase. Cut back to the chase.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3

I don’t speak “MMMPH.”

More chasing occurs.

Flashback to earlier. Outside his apartment, Barton sees four of the exact same car, each one labelled on its side “01” through “04” like some kind of old-timey NASCAR, parked in succession behind his new 1970 Ford Bronco Challenger Audi Whatever. These are the cars that will start gunning him down later.

Five

Barton had boned the redhead. *high five*

We get to see part of Clint Barton’s buttcrack. This kind of debauchery would anger Captain America, so it’s a good thing he’s not here right now!

Barton thanks the Nameless Redhead for helping him buy some tape! For his nocks!

Time to pony up the dough for the car. “Girl’s got a flight to catch,” she says.

“Mm. So what kinda trouble does a girl need to go from driving out of town to selling her car and flying… taking pretty much nothing with her?”

“Ask me no questions; I’ll tell you know lies,” she responds, taking the fat envelope of fat a$$ bill$. Barton is worried now.

Then someone suddenly kicks his fucking door down! BLAHABALAHABAHBABAB!! Men in helmets and tracksuits start gunning down the place for reasons that are not immediately obvious.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Majestic like a beautiful swan in the moonlight!

“Anything is a weapon if you’re in deep enough trouble,” he says, grabbing a lamp. He does exactly zero damage with it before getting a head full of butt. Butt of a gun, that is.

He’s out cold.

Then he wakes up next to a pile of his and his fuck buddy’s clothes. “Okay, this… this is bad.”

Barton calls Kate Bishop at his apartment. She asks why Barton still has a dang landline like an 80-year-old before she even asks who it is.

“How did you know it was me?”

“Who else would be calling your sad ass?”

Barton says it’s no time of hijinks and goofabouts. Some lady he boned just got kidnapped by guys wearing Gary Spivey-lookin’ helmets and they need to go find her and stuff. “How are we gonna find one single car in New York City?” Bishop asks him.

Barton looks at his phone. “They’re on the west side highway heading to Jersey. My stuff is in her car. Including a Tracer Arrow.”

Huzzah! That makes things easier, don’t it?

Bishop waits for Barton outside.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Hey, my man-bits aren’t on trial here!

Four

He enters the car shirtless. She checks out his abs, which you could grate cheese on if you want to be gross. He puts a shirt on and tells her to cork it.

They end up going fast enough that they t-bone the 1970 Ford Escort Challenger Acura Whatever. Bishop calls it a metaphor for Barton’s love life, whatever that means. Barton t-bones during his sexual escapades? Doesn’t sound very sexy to me.

“Get out of my damn car, ass,” Barton cusses – cussin’ up a storm – as he throws the dude out of the driver’s seat. Bishop gets in and hands Barton a Putty Arrow. It covers the tossed-out-of-the-car dude with sticky, ropey, mucus-y goo. Nailed ‘im! Ha!

Three

The present.

As Barton and Bishop drive off, with what’s-her-face gagged and tied in the backseat, the four cars give chase. Barton whips out a Sonic Arrow, which whips through the air with an “EEEEEEEEEEEEE”. Then he grabs an Explosive-Tip Arrow, which handily explodes Car #03. Nailed ‘im! Ha!

“We’ve got more power in the long run but in the short they got more get-up-and-go as they only got about eight pounds of car to move,” Barton thinks. Car #02 scoots near the driver’s side and cracks off the rear-view mirror. As it swerves off the road, Barton grabs a Cable Arrow and attaches a cord to a semi-truck. With the cord taut, Car #02’s top gets ripped right off and Barton hits him with a Smoke Bomb Arrow. Bing boom win. This is what the trade calls an “action sequence” and it’s “glorious”.

They reach a bridge with Car #01 hot on their heels. Traffic is starting to thicken and Barton gets nervous. He whips out a Rocket Arrow and attempts to launch, but the semi-truck merges right into them for some fool-ass reason. Barton misses his target.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Stop it, that electricity is cold!

Now it’s Suction-Tip Arrow time! Obviously! Barton sticks it to the top of the Aston Martin Cadillac Pontiac PT Cruiser Whatever, whips around, and does some real dipshit maneuvering on top of cars going 70 mph, rolling around like a weird dingus, until he pulls out an Electro-Arrow and zaps the driver of Car #01’s neck like a cattle prod.

Two

Now Barton’s car crashes into Car #01, totalling both and sending Barton flying to Nebraska.

After regaining consciousness, he sees the driver (with his gun) in a stand-off with Bishop (with her bow and arrow). “You don’t be smart guy, ‘k bro?” the guy says while Barton stays supine on the road. Now the guy points his gun at Barton’s head; demands from Bishop the bound and gagged girl in exchange for the hapless Barton.

Barton yells at Bishop to loose the arrow. “Fine,” she says, sending it upward at a 45-degree angle. It’s the coveted Boomerang Arrow. I must say, I didn’t expect it to make a reappearance! I should have known better! *punches own forehead hard enough to shatter bone* Stupid stupid stupid. Stupid Tom. Bad. Stupid and worthless.

The gun dude smiles triumphantly, but, of course, the arrow zooms back around and THWAKKs the guy in the neck. He lets out a hearty “–KKG–” and drops to the fucking ground! Nailed ‘im! Ha!

Redhead is impressed. Barton smiles a crooked smile, praises the almighty Boomerang Arrow, and probably bones the redhead again right then and there. Right in front of Kate Bishop.

Later, they make it to the airport somehow even though the Corvette F-160 Chevy Buick Escort Whatever is completely trashed. Barton and Redhead flirt a little bit more before Redhead needs to catch her flight.

One

Then they kiss.

Final Thoughts

OK, this was one of the better issues of a comic book I’ve read in a while. Thrilling, thematic, interesting, courageous, a little bit gassy even. Keep it coming, Hawkeye. This is some good shit, bruh.

Although we still don’t know this girl’s name or why she was being chased. Hopefully we don’t lose focus on that next time.

Oh yeah, maybe it’s “Cherry”. That’s the name of the issue! *smacks forehead hard enough to launch myself into space* Stupid stupid stupid.


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 11 – “Eve”

The X-Files

“Mulder and Scully search for two girls who disappeared after their fathers were murdered in an identical fashion.“

I don’t have a joke for this description! I don’t remember this episode, but it sounds like an interesting premise.

GREENCHWICH, CONNECTICUT. A cozy, upper middle class neighborhood in the autumn. A jogging couple spots a girl standing out in front of her house with no jacket. They stop to check on her and she says her daddy is in the backyard. They find daddy in the backyard. Daddy’s dead on the swingset with two vampire fang-like puncture wounds in his neck. Cue the Mulder PowerPoint Presentation that they call the opening credits.

“75% blood loss. That’s over four liters of blood,” Scully says, examining the autopsy report at FBI Headquarters.
“I guess you could say he was running on empty,” Mulder japes with a joke that works on 75% of a level.

The girl is barely a witness. She wasn’t there during the killing and she doesn’t remember any of the events leading up to it. Mulder takes this moment to interrupt Scully and starts talking about cattle mutilation. Although this bloodletting is the first time he’s seen it on a human being, he’s getting moist in the loins just thinking about it! He’s licking his lips, look at him.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

Cow vampires, Scully. I’d recognize these neck wounds anywhere.

Scully looks at more documents and sees some fucking witness reports about spaceships and aliens. You can sense her anger and frustration bubbling to the surface already! Off to Connecticut, team.

Mulder and Scully visit a foster home where Tina, the girl, is being placed until a foster family can take her home. The duo gain an audience with the girl and start interrogating her with very prying questions like “did you ever see any strangers with your daddy at home?” and “can you think of anyone who might want to hurt your daddy?” and “why aren’t you giving us the goods, here?”

Tina remembers red lightning. Mulder perks up! Tina has seen this once before when the “men from the clouds were after her dad”. Mulder perks up further! Tina says the men from the clouds wanted to exsanguinate her dad. Consider Mulder fully perked!

Scully gets a call. There’s another exsanguination near San Francisco. It’s a very similar house with a very similar swingset and the circumstances are almost identical. Based on the report, the killing happened at nearly the exact same moment as Tina’s dad’s killing over on the east coast. The police report also indicates that the man’s daughter remembers nothing. The girl is staying with her mother in Sacramento — Mulder and Scully will bug the shit out of her with questions the next morning.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

My case files have determined that this swingset is made out of 6061 aluminum alloy. Fascinating.

During the night, Tina hears scraping sounds outside the bedroom door. She barricades the door to no avail! The figure breaks into the room just as Tina hides under the bed. Then a bright white light! Tina gone, son.

Mulder and Scully caught wind of this, uh, “kidnapping” by the next morning. They seem nonchalant since they have other things to worry about — such as this other girl in California looks identical to Tina right down to the… face. Her name is Cindy Reardon and she’s been in California her whole life. Mulder asks the mother if Cindy is an only child (yes). Scully asks if Cindy was adopted (no). Mother Reardon starts getting upset with this UNRELENTING BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS, so Mulder brings out the big guns: a picture of Tina with her father. Mother Reardon is confused. This girl is Tina! Mother Reardon is confused. Tina is another girl! Mother Reardon is confused. Scully tries to explain and she sounds like a nutcase. Mother Reardon offers to show the agents video tapes of Cindy’s birth, which would get a big “fuck no” from me.

Mulder asks the big question now. “In vitro fertilization”? Ding ding ding.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

The cherubic face of a cold-blooded killer.

As they leave, Scully is all “there is obviously a reasonable explanation for two identical girls on opposite sides of the country having their fathers exsanguinated at the exact same time”, which even gets a raised eyebrow from me. Mulder’s going to keep an eye on Cindy because he expects the same kidnapping. Scully scopes out the hospital where Mother Reardon underwent the in vitro fertilization procedure. Scully finds records of a woman named Dr. Sally Kendrick who did some rather questionable experiments. The hospital has evidence that Kendrick was using stored fertilized eggs to perform her own genetic studies in the lab. She was promptly fired, and then she disappeared. Scully thinks this new development is rather sexy. Definitely no aliens. Wait until Mulder hears about this!

Later in the motel, Mulder stares at Scully through his mom eyeglasses and asks if this woman had a vendetta against the hospital. Scully entertains the possibility, and even Mulder is somewhat swayed against aliens for about six seconds. Or at least he leads Scully to believe that. He certainly is quick to shove her out of the motel room so he can do some of his patented late night investigating that usually lands him in jail or in a ditch somewhere.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

You’re right, Mulder, it IS difficult to watch the TV from this angle.

Mulder bumps into his buddy Deep Throat, who just happens to be in California for an evening stroll! He regales Mulder with the tale of the Litchfield experiments, “a most interesting project”. All records have since been destroyed, and anyone involved will deny their involvement. Genetic experiments in the ’50s to craft the ultimate human being. Eugenics, man, far out. They made a whole crop of little humans. “The boys were called Adam. The girls were called Eve.”

Deep Throat sends him off to a correctional facility to talk to Eve 6 (the rock band, ha!), where Mulder and Scully find a woman held prisoner in solitary confinement like a little murderer. They find the woman shackled and straitjacketed. She’s Dr. Sally Kendrick. She’s a loony psychotic nutcase.

“They made me, but did they suffer? No. I suffered.” The Litchfield Experiments were a bitch. These little Adams and Eves have extra chromosomes. Not the ones that cause a debilitating lack of mental faculties, but quite the opposite! Super strength! Super hearing! Super smartiness! Super schizophrenia!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

The dental plan they’ve got in the loony bin is bullshit.

Eve 6 shows them a photo of all the Eves. They all look identical. Mulder surmises that Eve 6 was using the hospital to create more Eve clones, and he supposes that they may have found the two that have been unaccounted for — the ones who may have killed the girls’ fathers.

They return to to the Reardon house to watch the inevitable abduction. Scully wonders if the girls know who they are. Mulder hopes not. Just then a brilliant white light emenates from the closet and a figure steps out to grab Cindy. Time to move move move! Mulder and Scully SECURE THE PERIMETER and catch the culprit in the act. Mulder shines a flashlight brighter than the sun at the individual smuggling the child out of the house and it’s an Eve. “Which one are you?” Mulder asks. “Eve 7 or Eve 8?”

Eve 6 has a gun and Mulder backs off while she drives off with the girl. The useless police are on the scene soon taking notes and eating donuts and strangling their wives and whatever else cops do. Mulder and Scully don’t really know what to do next at this point, so they just kind of stand around and look pretty.

Eve 6 squirrels Cindy away to some kind of safehouse by the ocean. Cindy maintains her completely emotionless disposition. Eve introduces Cindy to Tina, who maintains her completely emotionless disposition.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

I don’t remember why a picture of the girls would be burning in a fireplace, but here it is anyway!

Scully came up with a good idea: shut down the airport! Maybe that’ll work. Mulder thinks she’s an idiot.

Eve 6 chatters to the girls about how much she’s been keeping an eye on both of them. After all, Eve 6 didn’t start showing her homicidal tendencies until her 20s, and these girls are already exsanguinating at age 8? You thunder-stealing little bitches. The girls already knew of each other’s existence and they have a look in their eyes that suggests they’re going to exsanguinate themselves an Eve pretty damn quick. Eve 6 warns them that they need to break away from their urges and live a life of peace and harmony. The little girls smirk while Eve suddenly starts shaking: they spiked her drink with the same additive that numbed their fathers’ bodies before they killed them. Let’s get this show on the road!

The police with Mulder and Scully in tow arrive at the safe house. They were tipped off by a groundskeeper. They bust in and discover Eve 6 dead. The girls are huddled in the corner pretending to be victims, saying that Eve 6 was working with an accomplice and they tried to force them to drink the bad, bad liquid. Scully hugs them and tells them that they’re safe now. Such good girls. Just like those twins from The Shining!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

I’m seein’ double here! Four Eves!

Scully and Mulder intend to take the girls to hospital for evaluation. While in the car, the girls claim to need the bathroom. They all stop at a diner where Mulder orders four drinks and OH I THINK WE CAN ALL GUESS WHAT MAY HAPPEN NEXT.

Ok, I’ll write it out anyway. One girl slips out of the bathroom and spikes two drinks with the numbing additive. Suspense! I’m all a-tingle! The audience can’t tell if Mulder is onto them or not. Once he gets out of the bathroom, he takes a sip of one, claims it’s sweet, and offers the girl a sip. She declines. Mulder left his keys in the diner. Scully takes a sip of her own drink. Mulder gets his keys and discovers the green residue of the numbing additive! Suspense!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 11 - Eve

This cow ejaculate is fantastic!

Running to Scully, he knocks the drink out of her hand and tells her that an attempted poisoning has been masterminded! The girls have disappeared. More suspense! I have to pee really badly but I can’t look away! Not right now!

Mulder eventually finds the girls and grabs them and screams for Scully like a dang kidnapper. A guy gets out of his truck and threatens Mulder with a gun, so he gives up the girls. They escape again. OK, I’m going to pee now.

Did I miss anything? After a few more contrived escape attempts, Mulder finally catches the girls and they know that they have been defeated.

In the correctional facility, the girls have their own solitary confinement cells. They are now designated Eve 9 and Eve 10. A woman in enters the area dressed in a lab coat: revealing herself to be Eve 8.

Suspense!

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 12 — “Fire”
Mulder accidentally burns down his house trying to light a cigarette with a Molotov cocktail.


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Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9 – “Chapter Nine: Father’s Day”

* Part 9 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9 – “Chapter Nine: Father’s Day”! In the previous installment, Bruce spends a lot of time crying about his mommy on Mother’s Day. Literally nothing else happens, except that they still can’t find the Holiday killer and Jim Gordon is trying to hunt Bruce down for questioning about his connection to the Falcone Crime Family of Crimes.

I’m whipping through these like crazy! Keep it going keep it going keep it going.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9 [August, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Nine: Father’s Day”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9

“I remember my father…” Bruce thinks, wracking his brain to actually prove it. Bruce’s father was a doctor – something I didn’t know, especially since you can’t be a multi-billionaire by being a doctor – and here we have a flashback of a young Thomas Wayne trying to save the life of a bleeding young man on his dining room table. Bruce remembers this night. The young man couldn’t go to a hospital, this was the work of Luigi Maroni! If he were to go anywhere public, he would be killed on the spot. No, Dr. Wayne, this is your fucking problem now. Bitch.

Get those bullets out of those holes, and Vincent Falcone will remember fondly the Wayne family.

“I had never seen my father work. It was like… magic.”

Bruce realizes later that it was none other than Carmine “The Roman” “The Man” “The Plan” “The Canal” Falcone on that dining room table that fateful night. Way to go, Pops! You saved a criminal bastard. Eat shit.

Bruce finds himself behind bars, having finally been caught and taken downtown by Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent. Alfred is on a witness stand during a trial and claims that, to his knowledge, Bruce Wayne and Carmine Falcone do not have a relationship (working or romantic or otherwise!). Bruce never accepted any form of payment (sexual or otherwise!) from Falcone.

District Attorney Harvard Dents asks Alfred then, why, why, WHY, why didn’t Thomas Wayne report the bullet gun crime so that Luigi Maroni could have been behind bars where he belonged? “Perhaps Dr. Wayne did file a report,” Alfred says calmly. “But, Gotham City was different then. The police, even the District Attorney’s office, were rife with grift.”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9

Your jaw is looking quite chiseled today, sir!

Gotham City is still the same, though, since Bruce Wayne’s two – count ‘em, TWO – parents were murdered and the criminal was never brought to justice. ORDER IN THE COURT! RABBLEROUSE RABBLEROUSE! Jim Gordon feels seen, as the kids say. That Alfred Pennyworth fucks, that’s all I have to say, as I’ve said many times before. And many times more in the future.

Elsewhere, Salvatore Maroni’s still-alive dad Luigi is plucking tomatoes out of his garden, mumbling about how he should’ve finished the whole killing-Carmine-Falcone job years ago.

“’Cause of this ‘Holiday’ goon… all my guys are dead,” Sal complains to his dad. “How do I fix this mess, Lou?”

“You can act like a man.”

lol

Anyway, this is an easy answer: kill Carmine before Carmine kills you. Idiot.

And then, out of nowhere, on Father’s Day, Salvatore Maroni’s father gets gunned down. Again, can I get an lol?

At the Roman’s penthouse, Sofia pays her father a visit. “Thought you’d wanna know,” she says. “The grand jury acquitted Bruce Wayne. Took about a minute and a half.” This causes Carmine to growl and take his leave. Atop another building across the street, Catwoman is spying on these two. Perhaps to think of Father’s Day gifts and/or encounters with her own father? Who is Selina Kyle’s father, anyway? Is his name Kyle Kyle?

Jim Gordon comes home super late to find his infant son cradling a card that says “For Dada” on it and a tie splotched with handprints. Gordon smiles in the only way Gordon knows how to smile (not at all) and says it’s the best gift he’s ever gotten.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9

This tie will go great with my sperm-stained dress shirt!

The next morning, Harvey Dent’s wife Gilda finds him in the basement sitting in the shadows. “I went to go see Dad,” he snivels. Gilda braces herself. “Still crazy as ever,” he continues. “He gave me something though, Gilda.” Harvey holds up a gleaming coin. He cries that a jury didn’t see what Harvey saw about Bruce Wayne. “It’s like they flipped a coin. Heads he wins; tails I lose. And Bruce Wayne. With all his money. His good family name. Goes back to high society.”

So what, Dent’s dad gave him the coin? Happy Father’s Day and all that? What did Harvey give him? Lip?

More Batman monologue recaps the Scarecrow’s escape from Arkham Asylum on Mother’s Day. “He did not do this alone. He had help.”

Scarecrow recites Pat-a-Cake while his buddy, Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter, a homicidal, delusional maniac, offers him tea. Tetch talks like hE’s eXtReMeLy OnLiNe. They’re both in Gotham Central Park doing god knows what, making out or something, when Carmine Falcone shows his pencil-mustached face. He has business for them regarding the Gotham City Bank Depository…

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #9

Cake cake cake, tea tea tea! Pah! I want burgers and fries and a large milkshake.

Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Alfred have quite the conversation about Bruce’s father and how great he was at saving a criminal mastermind’s life. Alfred is like “yeah, well, he would have saved Hitler’s life if he came to his door, my good sir.”

Bruce wonders if he hadn’t saved Carmine Falcone’s life, the chain of events might have circumvented the whole getting murdered thing. “I… I just miss him, Alfred. Is that so wrong?” Tears form in Bruce’s eyes. Alfred touches Bruce’s shoulder. “No. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

It makes me wonder if Alfred’s parents fell into a woodchipper when he was a lad, and no one ever asks how he feels.

We end with Harvey Dent busting into his office with his assistant, the Maroni-connected nerd Vernon. He has Maroni news. In that, Maroni is waiting in his office. Covered in blood. Holding the tie he got his dad for Father’s Day. “You want a piece of me. We both want a piece of Falcone. Maybe it’s time we found out what we can do for each other…”

Final Thoughts

Waaah, muh mudder and muh fadder! Waaaaah!!

Bruce is a wimp. Let’s make the rest of this run all about Alfred and his snarky exterior. Not snarky ENOUGH here, I say! I need him making fun of Bruce’s crying post-haste.


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East of West, Issue #42 – “Risk”

* Part 13 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #42 – “Risk”! In the previous installment, we catch up with all the remaining Chosen. John Freeman VIII is not dead, but his King Dad thinks he is, so he’ll ride out his remaining days with Wolf in the Endless Nation. Archibald is willing to trade his niece’s life for victory in his war (and she was awake to hear it…). Mao’s army marches to the battlefield. Archibald’s much, much, much, much bigger and more well-equipped army will meet them head on while Bel Solomon watches the Confederacy’s most assured victory.

And here I am sitting here with a pants full of poop! What’s next? Let’s continue!

East of West, Issue #42 [April, 2019]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Risk”

East of West, Issue #42

“This is how it ends, where it all began.“

War reiterates that, while Death trapises around trying to get his kid back from the other two Horsemen, he’ll be waiting. “Just name the place,” Death grimaces, covered in blood. “I’ll be there.”

HOW ABOUT THE MCDONALD’S PLAYPLACE?! HA HA HA! FUN!

“How’s the Valley of the Gods sound?” War says. “Can you pay the toll to walk that road, old man?”

“You think I won’t?”

“Oh I hope you do. It’s perfect really… the last time we left things so unfinished.”

Flashback time, yet again. The Chosen, alive and well, all stand together on a giant desert bluff. The Horsemen, genders reversed, yell up at them. “YOU GODDAMNED ANIMALS!” yells Death (Death is still a man, btw). War, full of butts and boobs, holds a bloody sack. Death betrayed the three of them, somehow. I don’t know how. But Death betrayed them! And it’s not looking good.

“Where’s my wife?” Death yells.

“Oh, that tasty bitch has slipped this mortal coil,” says Conquest, looking quite ravishing in her skull face.

War throws the bloody bag toward Death. “Saved you some.”

Out of the bag rolls an arm, hand to elbow. Xiaolian’s old meat appendage.

Death has some fond memories of that arm.

East of West, Issue #42

Ah yes, the good times.

Death picks up the arm and glares murderously. “There he is,” smiles War as Death perks up. Death promises to gun War down, but Famine is like “guns, sir? That’s dumb”.

“Look how far you’ve fallen,” Famine adds, brandishing his weird double-sword.

“Fair enough.” Death grabs his own sheathed sword. “The old way, then.”

Stab. Slice. Stab. Crash. Stab. Stab. Slice. Dice. Splut. Flump.

“NO!” screams Conquest as Death chops Famine in half right at the torso.

I forgot all about the Chosen! They’re just fucking watching the scene. Bel Solomon grabs a gun. The old Union president tells him not to waste a bullet. Only a Horseman can kill another Horseman. It’s the law. Or a weapon made by one of them. That’s the loophole. “That gun just ain’t gonna cut it, son,” says Hu Mao.

Bel doesn’t care, he wants to try. Sounds fun in any case. BLAM! Nothing happens. War and Death are still punching each other around. Conquest breaks out her Mickey Rourke Iron Man 2 whip. “There was a time when I feared you more than anything…” she says, whipping the thing around Death. It doesn’t seem to do anything. “But I see you now for what you are… And all that fear is gone.”

Death is like “yeah, well” and then slices Conquest right through her torso as well. Up on the bluff, Ezra Orion cries for his dearly departed Horseman Mommy. A bullet falls out of Conquest’s head. Take that, Bel.

Then a Hell Beast erupts out of her body.

East of West, Issue #42

You’re looking so cute today, Conquest.

The Hell Beast wraps its weird tendrils around Death, aiming to suck him into its gaping maw. Death throws his dagger at its head, and that does the trick.

Orion continues crying and screaming and thrashing.

And then there was War. She lets out a barrage of missiles. “Let’s see how you do with this,” she cries triumphantly. Death does a little skeet shooting and is able to get rid of each one. War compliments his gun prowess and then stabs him through the chest with a fire sword! Because why not?!

“You think it doesn’t hurt me to see you like this? It does,” War says, probably lying her ass off. “I would have loved you until the universe expanded into nothing – until the very end of all that is… But instead you loved her.”

Ahh, the plot thickens like shitty gravy! This is about love! Horseman love! The most pure kind of love there is!

“Why?” War yells. “WHY!?!”

“You act like I had a choice.”

War lifts her sword up for the finishing blow. Death picks up Bel’s bullet and fires it with his fingers – right through War’s forehead. She thumps down to the ground, dead.

By now, the Chosen have airshipped their way down to the ground while Death coughs and wheezes and crawls across the dirt. Ezra Orion runs to his dead, ugly mother and sobs. Archibald sees it for the embarrassing display that it is.

The rest start taunting Death. He glares up at the lot of them. Bel Solomon, for one, is fucking livid.

East of West, Issue #42

TEXAS JUSTICE!

Then Bel stabs Famine’s sword, loophole style, right through Death’s chest. Death’s face is twisted into a mask of horrible, immense pain.

Hu snorts. Union Guy asks, mildly, what Bel has done. Cheveyo chides silently. “Now… ain’t that something,” says Archibald. Orion is still crying, not paying much attention.

“We’re leaving,” Bel says, walking away from Dead Death. “It’s over.”

We end with the continuation of present War’s monologue: “I will see you there, Death. I will see you, and you will see me. And we will settle this once and for all.”

Final Thoughts

Kind of bittersweet, isn’t it? War’s unrequited love. Death loving some Chinese chick instead. Just like in real life. Really makes you think!

Well, it really makes somebody think! I’m going to get some Doritos.


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Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #429

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #429!

I’m starting my classic Archie adventure with, arguably, the most well-known multi-issue crossover story in its history. Who will Archie choose?! Betty, the blonde girl who smells like diesel? Or Veronica, the raven-haired girl who smells like diesel. What a conundrum!

Anyway,

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #429 [November, 1994]

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

”Love Showdown (Part 1)” – Dan Parent

So, per the cover art, Betty and Veronica are working on dismembering a hapless Archie. I hope they succeed!

“Oh boy, it looks like Archie’s fallen under the Lodge spell,” jubilates a crown-wearing Jughead.

“Oh no, not again!” Betty looks (fake?) worried. She slaps her forehead in exasperation!

Archie is wandering drunkenly down the street, hearts a-flutter around his head. He’s worse for wear, this kid. It’s not even 8am and already he’s creaming his stupid ginger pants over Veronica. Betty is pretty fucking angry. She gets right up in Veronica’s face and is all like “look basic bitch, Archie is my boy toy. You feel me?”

Veronica laughs! Surely you jest! “I’d like to take credit, but I haven’t seen him today.”

Buh-what? Oh yeah, Veronica usually gives Archie the ol’ blowjob eyes during lunchtime. This is someone else who has captivated Archie’s meandering attention! Betty and Veronica won’t stand for this! Time to go cunt killing!

“Archie, we demand to know why you are acting this way!”

“Tell us so we can eliminate her from the human race!”

Archie is still under the spell. He vaguely waves an envelope in the air. “Some floozie has written to our Archie!” Veronica blurts. The envelope leaves Archie’s hands and starts blowing away in the wind.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

Puff! Puff! The postal service ain’t what it used to be! Wakka wakka!

Veronica tries to catch it, but then falls down a dang open manhole. And dies! And then Betty tries to grab Veronica’s arm, but she falls into the manhole and dies too! R.I.P. Betty and Veronica, Archie Comics Issue #429. We hardly knew ye. Well, I hardly knew ye at any rate, if that helps.

A man with a purple hard hat pushes Veronica’s butt up with her head. He calls the girls silly before they call the cops on him and land him in prison for the rest of his natural life. The envelope keeps flying away hilariously, and the girls end up at the beach where Veronica runs off a dock like a squawking goose and lands in the water. Betty is an inch away from grabbing the envelope before it burns up in a flaming barrel. The kind I see at the beach every day, no doubt.

Anyway, they failed. After all that running around, Betty has a pretty good idea: “Let’s just ask him straight about it.” Fantastic idea, kiddos. He won’t lie at all about who he’s fucking behind your backs.

They find Archie at his house, and he’s about to happily tell him who wrote the letter until his fat dad comes out to holler at the redhead to clean out the garage before he sticks his dick down his throat. Archie bids the girls farewell. Betty and Veronica are exploding with frustration. So am I. This comic is brutal.

Archie’s dad is waiting in the garage with a big smile. “Thanks, Dad!” Archie says jubilantly. “You came through!”

Dad’s a sly one, eh?

“You’re welcome! But why did you want me to take you away with that ‘cleaning the garage’ story?”

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

The “fun”.

Archie’s a sly one, eh?

The next day, presumably, Jughead visits his best friend Ol’ Arch Ma-larch. He laughs about how nuts B & V are going about the stupid letter which is probably just a request for a Highlights Magazine subscription. Archie finds it flattering, at any rate, these two girls who have been fawning over him for the last five decades.

“Wait ‘til they find out who sent the letter.”

“Yeah! They’ll really flip!”

Jughead’s a sly one, eh?

Archie decides that he’ll tell them tomorrow. Until then, they can stew unhealthily. Later, Reggie has caught wind of the letter debacle! Time to have a little fun. He goes to Veronica outside of someplace called “Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe” and says something to the effect of “did you see that letter that Betty wrote to Archie WHOOPS I LET IT SLIP!!!” It was very slick.

“So that’s why she burned up the letter!” Veronica says, turning red. “She didn’t want me to see it!”

Hoo boy, Betty’s in hot water now! And I think you can guess what happens next. Reggie hangs out under a tree waiting for six hours for Betty to walk on by. And when she does, he says something to the effect of “did you see that letter that Veronica wrote to Archie OH FIGS I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!” Again, very slick.

“And he had that Lodge look in his eyes!” Betty says, turning red. “I’ve been had by that socialite!”

Reggie laughs it up.

Betty and Veronica meet up and have a very heated 1920’s-style argument. All “I’ll box your ears!” and “of all the nerve!” They almost erupt into a hail of fisticuffs before a smiling Archie shows up to reveal the secret before the girls kill each other.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

Have you girls ever heard of a snazzy gal named “Ruth Bader Ginsburg”???

“It doesn’t matter, Archie…” says Veronica.

“We already know…” says Betty.

“And we think it stinks!”

“With a capital ‘S’!”

“Aw, c’mon! It’s no big deal,” Archie claims. But he’s losing them fast.

“Easy for you to say!” says Veronica, and then points right at Betty’s face. “But I’m officially ending our friendship!”

“It ended minutes ago, traitor!” snaps Betty. Archie grabs his head like the universe has just imploded in a big fart. The girls walk away in opposite directions. Archie has a big “?” bubble over his auburn head. Women be stupid, right? You misogynist piece of shit.

Betty and Veronica return to their respective homes muttering like lunatics. They retire to their bedrooms and pull up their personal copies of jerkoff material: a smiling photo of Archie Andrews himself!

“I’m going to get Archie for myself,” they both think in unison. “Once and for all… no holds barred!”

Uh oh! Woozle wuzzle! See you next time in Betty, Issue #19! Later, hosers!

“Singin’ in the Rain” – Frank Doyle

Archie puts on his rubbers. His mom is concerned about him going on in the rain, but Archie isn’t going to squander the last few days of summer vacation by staying inside during a massive Category 5 hurricane! You worry too much, Mother. Now go in the kitchen and make Archie a sandwich. The gang’s gonna be at Pop’s and they’re all gonna share a round of malts. Riverdale High School football rules!

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

Hey, “Ol’ Ron” is the name of my vibrator!

Archie happily finds it intriguing that Veronica would miss all the sad-sacks hanging out at the diner, but Pop points out that Veronica is heading into the establishment as we speak! She’s wearing a one-piece bathing suit and rain boots, looking all curvy and making the boys pop their squelchy little boners. “Hey! Pop was right! That’s an entrance!” Reggie says, frothing at the mouth as he stares at dem titties. Veronica sits her wet butt on the counter and soaks up the attention.

“It just seemed appropriate for a late summer shower!” Veronica says of her outfit. Reggie continues quivering like an ill virgin. Archie decides to start stripping too. “Why swelter in this heavy rainwear!!?”

Betty thinks it’s also a fantabulous idea. “Right! I’m with you!”

Veronica looks on wryly.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

I NEED TO GO GET NAKED AT THE RESTAURANT!!!

The boys and girls all run home to get their skivvies. Archie’s dad turns purple with anger, but Archie doesn’t care! He’s, like, 12 years old and no one is going to tell him what to do.

“Every generation gets wackier and wackier!” Archie’s dad, who was probably born in 1885, sighs.

“And I used to think we were the silliest teenagers ever!” says Archie’s mom, whose idea of “silly” was probably related to putting a red ribbon on her hoop skirt.

Archie finds the rest of the kids splashing around outside, scantily clad as the fashion dictates. Having a gay ol’ time, these kids. Splashing and dancing and singing and dancing and singing and splashing!

Then they all get colds and miss the first day of school. The end.

“Pain in the Neck!” – Mike Pellowski

It’s a beautiful summer day and Archie has to go to the dang doctor! His neck hurts and he doesn’t know why! Waaah!

Well, Doctor Dobson is perplexed. He doesn’t feel any cancer lumps! This is very suspicious, son. Are you sure you aren’t fucking faking it?

Archie describes the sequence of events that has led him to this point in his miserable life. He had a great day at the beach wearing his bright purple swim shorts. He blasted Agoraphobic Nosebleed from his radio. There were so many pretty ladies that he got whiplash from trying to stare at all of them. And—oh.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 429

Gee whiz! There sure are a lot of mammalian protuberances here!

Doc doesn’t get it yet that Archie was eyefucking the girls. He asks Archie if he hurt it playing volleyball or something. Archie wasn’t playing the game, but he was twisting his head into a pretzel watching four girls jump and flop around. What about surfing? No way, Doc! Archie wasn’t surfing, but he was flapping his stupid neck around watching girls on boards gyrate seductively. Maybe a wave hit him? No chance, sir! Archie didn’t go swimming, but the horny boy wrenched his noggin off his shoulders mentally undressing every single girl that crossed into his eyesight.

The doctor gives Archie a prescription of fentanyl and sends him away. “What caused the injury will just remain a mystery!” he says importantly.

Archie gives his head one last twist as the next patient, Jenny Smith, walks by him. The doctor is making an “OOHHHH OK YEAH DUH UH-HUH OF COURSE THIS WAS THE REASON YOU STUPID DUMB FUCKING IDIOT” face.

Final Thoughts

Archie likes to fuck. Here’s hoping the Betty/Veronica fiasco sorts itself out soon! Or not.


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