Annihilation (2018)

Tagline:
Fear What’s Inside

Wide Release Date:
February 23, 2018

Directed by:
Alex Garland
Screenplay by:
Alex Garland
Based on the novel by:
Jeff VanderMeer
Produced by:
Scott Rudin, Andrew Macdonald, Allon Reich, Eli Bush

Starring:
Natalie Portman
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Gina Rodriguez
Tessa Thompson
Tuva Novotny
Oscar Isaac

Annihilation

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I watched and sorta liked Devs. I watched and loved Ex Machina. It was time to plumb the psyche of Alex Garland further and try out Annihilation. I read nothing about the movie before going into it. It could be about dancing ponies for all I know! I don’t even know who stars in it. Jeff Bridges? Ken Jennings? My 12th grade physics teacher Mr. Morrison? I can’t wait to find out.


THE 700(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

The film begins with Lena (Natalie Portman) undergoing an interrogation. A professor and a former army soldier, Lena volunteered to be part of an operation to investigate a region known as “the Shimmer”. It was created from a meteor that landed on a lighthouse! The area of the Shimmer is gradually and persistently expanding. Lena was the only member of her troop to return from the Shimmer, as was her husband Kane (Óscar Isaac) from his own troop after disappearing for a year.

Annihilation

THEY USED TO BE SO HAPPY. SOME OF THEM HAPPY AND WITH A TERRIBLE TATTOO.

Lena can’t answer much of the interrogator’s questions. Kane, similarly, before Lena embarks on her own Shimmer journey, does not know what happened to him or how he came back. When Kane starts coughing up blood for some reason, Lena calls for an ambulance and they get intercepted by people who take them to a secret facility. Kane goes into intensive care while Lena talks to Dr. No-First-Name Ventress (Jennifer Jason Leigh), who hella wants to investigate the Shimmer herself. Lena agrees to join her on the expedition, along with a team of three other science-type women: Anya (Gina Rodriguez), Josie (Tessa Thompson), and Cassie (Tuva Novotny). They’re all gonna get pretty fucked.

Crazy stuff happens in the Shimmer. For one thing, they all wake up with two days worth of missing memories. Eventually, they discover mutated plants and animals, such as what appears to be strangely cross-bred flowers and giant alligators with many extra rows of teeth. Eventually, the group happens upon an abandoned military base that Kane’s group had also stayed at during their own expedition. There, the women discover a camera with a video showing Kane cutting open an awake fellow soldier’s abdomen, revealing intestines that are moving around disgustingly within. They also discover a skeletonized body against a wall that appears to have been mutated with algae. Although thoroughly unsettled, the group decides to stay at the base that night and take turns keeping watch. It doesn’t work. Cassie gets dragged off and killed by a mutant bear. Whoops!

The next morning, the troop presses on. They discover a bunch of weird bushes that have grown into humanoid shapes. Tessa has realized that the Shimmer is distorting and spreading DNA like a prism distorts and spreads light. And they are caught within the phenomenon.

Annihilation

Wanna bone those sexy trees…

Anya starts getting paranoid and weird and, in the middle of the night while sleeping in a little village house, she ties Lena, Ventress, and Josie to chairs and threatens to kill them. In the most tense and creepy scene of the movie, a mutant bear that appears to have absorbed Cassie’s voice enters the house and moseys around sinisterly. The bear ends up killing Anya while Josie breaks free from the chair and shoots the bear. Like, far out, man.

This write-up is already getting kind of long. Josie somehow deliberately refracts her DNA through that of a plant and slips off into the woods to die or turn into a tree or something, leaving Lena and Ventress alone to discover and enter the ground zero lighthouse. Ventress slips away into a hole created by the meteor while Lena discovers a burned skeleton against a wall and a videotape showing Kane killing himself with a phosphorus grenade (with another Kane stepping into the frame). Lena then finds Ventress in the hole raving about the Shimmer and how it’s going to take over everything before she explodes in a weird burst of light and turns into some floating fractal eyeball. I’m serious about this.

Annihilation

Ugh, blugh, …fucking Taco Bell…

The fractal eyeball absorbs a drop of Lena’s blood, and soon a humanoid copy of Lena appears that mimics almost every one of her movements like a mirror image. This scene literally lasts forever until Lena gives up and tricks the mime into blowing itself up with one of Kane’s leftover grenades while it almost transforms into a complete Lena copy. The lighthouse begins burning down, and original Lena flees.

Interrogation is done for now! Lena visits Kane in the intensive care unit and asks if he’s really Kane. Kane doesn’t know. He asks if she’s Lena. She doesn’t answer. They hug. Both their eyes flicker.


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I was pretty disappointed with this one. A lot of it felt like a Stargate SG-1 episode where the team investigates some weird, otherworldly planet and find some weird, otherworldly bullshit and put themselves in weird, otherworldly (and dangerous) situations. The difference here is that everyone dies! No one dies in Stargate SG-1, they just ascend to higher planes of existence like assholes.

At its core, the movie is about exactly what Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character talks about during that one monologue: self-destruction. Busted relationships, self-harm, taking unnecessary risks. Depression. Grief. Loss. Nothing positive, that’s for sure! The “shimmer” and everything about it is a metaphor for change. People are self-destructive and usually die in the shimmer. Those who return from the shimmer are changed and don’t know how to process the change. They don’t know if they’re the same person anymore. Kane returns as if shell-shocked from war. Lena returns without any sense of self. In the case of Annihilation, though, it’s both figurative and literal. In this way, the story is pretty clever.

But, also, some of it was stupid. The means to make the self-destruction theme literal involved plot devices like “the light refracting in the shimmer is mixing up all the genetic material” — a metaphor for the notion that we are not just an entity of ourselves, but an amalgam of the bits and pieces we take from other people. This is also literally presented by the tattoo that keeps jumping from arm to arm, ending up on Lena’s by the end. Also, the whole scene where Dr. Ventress explodes into a weird fractal that absorbs Lena’s blood, creating a miming copy of her body, was bizarre. Lena’s whole encounter with it and blowing it up with a phosphorus grenade, plus the aftermath, dragged on for far, far too long. Much of the movie was enjoyable, but this last half hour was a real slog. I’ll give my interpretations in Topic 2.

Annihilation

WHAT’S UP, SLENDERMAN!

TOPIC 2 — The Ending

Oh, here we are already! I’m going to try to make sense of the ending based on my own interpretations and smatterings of other people’s mental spewings that I’ve read online.

Let’s start with Dr. Ventress, who has cancer. If she’s terminal, and it’s implied that she is, that makes her change irrevocable. She can’t come out of the shimmer a different person because she’s destined to die anyway. Therefore, obviously, for very clear reasons, she explodes in a supernova of light and turns into a weird fractal eyeball. Next, we see the fractal eyeball absorb a bit of Lena’s blood — the DNA necessary to create some weird Charlie Kelly Green Man that is, for all intents and purposes, identical to Lena. They spend quite a bit of time getting to know one another before the entity morphs into a Lena copy. Then one of them blows the other up in a mess of fire and light and burns down the lighthouse with it. But since the movie ends with Lena’s eyes flickering a different color, we don’t know who actually survives this explosion.

Yes, I just rewrote the ending. Throughout the movie you see the characters struggle with their inner demons. Lena’s cheating, Kane’s military expeditions, Ventress’ cancer.

How did I do? Did I understand any of the movie?

No?

Very well, then. As you were.

Annihilation

I understood the terrifying mutant bears, though!


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Director Alex Garland decided not to reread the novel “Annihilation.” Instead, he decided to adapt it “like a dream of the book.”
This is a nicer way of saying that he didn’t want to put any effort into more research for his movie adaptation. My dream of the book involved elves and kicking down the Slurpee machines at 7-Eleven while my children screamed occult nonsense at me. Here’s my movie about it!

Prior to its release, the film drew some criticism for the casting of Natalie Portman and Jennifer Jason Leigh as characters who are, in the books, described as Asian and half-Native American. Alex Garland explained that none of the five female characters’ ethnicity is revealed in the first book, which is the only one of the trilogy he has read, and that the script was actually complete before the second book was published.
A convenient sequence of events for Alex Garland! Kudos! How would he know that none of the characters’ ethnicity is revealed in the first book when he barely remembers it? In my dream of the book, the characters’ ethnicities are mentioned every twenty-two words over the course of the book’s 9,115 pages.

Annihilation

Another bit of trivia: The last time Natalie Portman held a gun was in Léon the Professional. Maybe. I made that up!


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I think this is one of those movies where your mileage may vary heavily. I personally didn’t like it as much as Ex Machina, not even close. But maybe you will! Maybe I’m too dumb to really, and I mean really, grasp all the nuances and metaphors that dwell within Annihilation‘s creamy goodness.

What’s the next Alex Garland film? Looks like it’s Men, whatever that is. I wonder if it has any women in it.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “The Vagabond Code”

* Part 2 of 5 of the My Life as a Weapon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “The Vagabond Code”! In the previous installment, we see Clint Barton being kind of a douchebag. His shitty Russian mob landlord raises the rent of his whole building, so Barton brandishes a sack of money to buy everyone’s rent. And then the building itself!

A dog gets hurt in traffic during a scuffle. Barton takes the dog to the vet and opts to take him home once he’s fixed up.

What will become of this story? Who can say. But slightly fucked-up and flawed heroes are my bread and butter, sir. Looking forward to seeing what comes of this. Or do I?


Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [November, 2012]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“The Vagabond Code”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2

“Okay…” Hawkeye says, jumping into what looks like a hotel swimming pool while some big bad guys shoot their big bad guns at him and some other gal. “This looks bad.”

That’s how Issue #1 started. Something looking bad. We’ll get back to that later. Kate Bishop, whom I barely know from Young Avengers, is hanging out in Barton’s apartment. They’re fucking, I assume. Bishop reads the paper and busts Barton’s balls.

“Kate took over for me as Hawkeye once upon a time when I was… well, dressing up like a ninja, sort of, is the short version. She is without a doubt the finest and most gifted bowman I’ve ever met but she’s like nine years old and spoiled rotten.”

There goes my theory about the fucking. CLEARLY she’s not nine, but Barton doesn’t like the idea of fucking nine-year-olds (I hope). At any rate, Barton spaces out and Bishop asks if he’s ok. Everything’s fine and dandy! Like sour candy! Heh. George Bush.

Hawkeye practices at arrows.

“Y’know,” says Bishop, “they say the Roman Emperor Domitan could fire four arrows at once between his fingers.”

“Showoff.”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2

It’s a bunch of big ol’ titties I saw at Burning Man 2009.

Bishop rifles through a few polaroids and asks what these are. Without seeing them, I’m guessing dick pics. Other people’s dick pics. “Vagabond code,” Barton answers cryptically. Barton starts talking about hobo drawings and their meanings and… look, you saw that episode of Mad Men, right? Well, these drawings of a circle with two arrows on the right side have been springing up around town and Barton is worried that some shit’s going to start happening. “Shady people are warning folks to get out of town if they don’t like the heat… because after, the cops are gonna start tearing things up.”

Bishop makes fun of the hobo code. Barton drinks his coffee straight from the pot. These two knuckleheads, I tell ya.

LATER, Barton and Bishop dress to the nines and appear at a Cirque du Nuit six-star hotel opening event. Some guy named Gunn is expected to show up (with a gunn, no less), so let’s keep an eye out for suspicious-looking assholes with brass knuckles and mittens pinned to their jackets. Bishop tells him that Bernie Gunn is an old family friend. He bought her a pony when she was eight. He has always been a suspicious-looking asshole. Barton still has a five-o’clock shadow and looks like trash.

Barton and Bishop mosey around the banquet hall and try to look inconspicuous. They amble to the stairway while Barton keeps saying things like “careful…slowly…casually…quitely…”, drawing the attention of literally every single frowny patron. “Lots of guns, rich people, and scumbags in that room down there.”

Bishop hands Barton a pair of sunglasses with special lenses that, I assume, can see skin through clothes. Lots of dangling, floppy penises in the room ripe for polaroids.

Some complete creep in a top hat, named the Ringmaster, steps up on a stage and commands everyone’s attention. Maynard Tiboldt, the Cirque du Nuit guy. Barton thinks he’s as French as apple pie! Suddenly, some Cirque du Soleil shit happens (except this is Cirque du Nuit, which is later in the day! Ha!) and Barton continues to talk at me. “There’s a thing that happens when a pro is around the work of another pro. You spot the style – even without a signature.”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Yeah, steal my breath away. Hubba hubba. Love the mustache.

A blindfolded man throws knives at a woman spinning on a board. “I know before the knives hit the boards the face of the man that taught this guy. This guy – and me – we share the same mentor. The same man that taught this guy how to throw… taught me how to be a living weapon.”

SNORE! SNOOZE! BORING! YOU’RE BORING ME, CLINT BARTON!

This Student of the Swordsman guy, “The Student of the Swordsman” as it were, thanks the audience with a humble “merci beaucoup.” Clint Barton leans over to Kate Bishop and calls all these fantastic performers a bunch of fucking thieves, which seems rude and harsh to me. These Cirque du Nuit performers? Thieves? Mais non! Je suis consterné! C’EST LA PIRE INSULTE!!! PUTAIN! PUTAIN!

Barton continues to call them phonies working a long con. All of them. Meanwhile, goth-looking large adults sneak around the audience stealing expensive watches and jewelry and, uh, 70” TVs. The audience has been completely hypnotized by the performance. Literally! They’re all in a grand stupor! Just like me reading this comic book.

Barton and Bishop take their leave and notice a bunch of bad guys stealing from other bad guys. Once Barton says he has it all figured out, fighting ensues. People get hit in the face with fire extingusihers. Barton gets hit with a crowbar. It’s really a sad state of affairs is what it is.

“Wake up, cretin,” says Mr. Student of the Swordsman, brandishing a sword. Like, an old-timey muskateer sword. “What a disappointment you are.”

Clint Barton is NOT a disappointment! He may be a wisecracker, a terrible son, an arsonist, and an unapologetic pedophile, but his NOT a disappointment! He happens to be very good at those things. Barton calls the Student of the Swordsman a phony. Phonies, the lot of them! *spit*

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Fuckin’ Holden Caulfield-ass cracker.

“You’re going to die soon,” the Student of the Swordsman continues. I wish I knew his goddamned name. “I hope being pedantic in your final moments brings you some form of comfort.”

I don’t know what this dude’s problem is, but he wants his cronies to tie Barton up and put him on a boat! I guess. And stay on top of him! I guess. “We cannot have a dead Avenger in the middle of our operation!” he says, swinging his sword around flamboyantly. So kill him somewhere off shore and throw him to the fishes before the end of Act II! Chop chop, people.

While they’re dragging Clint Barton’s fat ass across the platforms leading off to the observation deck, Kate Bishop shows up to fling a bunch of arrows through everyone’s neck. An arrow flings through Barton’s wrist ties, and he starts beating some thugs up while Bishop continues to literally kill people.

This is the part where the RINGMASTER shows up. “KILL ‘EM ALL!” he screams. Now the guns go off and we’re at the beginning of the issue all over again. Do I really need to cover it again? No.

Barton begs Bishop not to die as they fall through the glass and down toward the pool.

“GAHHHHHHHHHH that sucked,” Barton says. Bishop is assuredly not dead, but ready to fling more arrows at more mofos. “Suck it, Domitan.”

FWIP FWIP BOOM BAM MOO MOO BLEAT. Arrows right through their eyeballs. “See?” Barton thinks. “She’s perfect.”

“Did I get him?”

“In the eyes, Kate.”

“They’re not dead, they’re just blinded now. For life probably.”

“Yeah, no, I know. Still. It’s grim.”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Hey, that was what I was gonna say! “FFLLLLRRRRRGG!” Stop copying me!

After they share this moment, the still unnamed Student of the Swordsman taps his way over. “BARTON! You dumbass cornpone son of a bitch. You have absolutely ruined everything for us. We’re thieves stealing from thieves. People like us – we’re supposed to have a code.”

Barton grabs Bishop’s bow and looses an arrow. It clips this guy’s ear. He “pfffts” and advances, but the arrow ricochets off of the wall and sinks itself in the back of his neck. Not dead, but he collapses all the same. Have a nice life, quadriplegic.

Anyhoo, with this nameless Student of the Swordsman threat eliminated, Barton and Bishop hobble their way out of there. Bishop can’t drive a boat, but Barton can. “I’M GREAT AT BOATS!” he exclaims.

“And that’s how we robbed the robbers who were robbing robbers.”

“They’ll be back, of course. The circus always comes back. Fine. Let ‘em come. Let ‘em bring every crook and clown after me.”

Back at the hotel, a menacing bald man announces to his group of well-dressed cronies that an Avenger fucking robbed them! Clint Barton! Can you believe it? That hoser! “I suggest we begin workshopping solutions…” he says. Dun dun dunnnnn!!

“Why me?” Kate Bishop asks.

“Because you’re good,” Clint Barton responds.

“Cap is good. Spider-Man is good. Why me?”

“You’re smart.”

“So’s Iron Man. So’s — everyone at your day-job. Why me?”

“You’re rich?”

“So are you now. Why–”

“–because I don’t want to sleep with you?”

Fair enough.

“Katie, I look at you and think you’re a lot like me. There are – I have these things I have to do. Not want but have, y’know? I can do them alone but I bet that whatever it is that’s in me is maybe in you and… I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Bishop says she’s a big girl who can handle her own. And she wants to help him. He says ok. They hang up. She is sad that he doesn’t want to sleep with her. Gross.

Barton looks at a giant bulletin board of the world and all the Avengers shit he has to do around the world. Of course he needs help! He’s got a lot of Avengers shit he has to do around the world!

His dog is named “Lucky”.

Barton smiles, knowingly. Time to kick some names and take some ass!

Final Thoughts

I’d rather this be a Kate Bishop Hawkeye series. This Clint Barton guy can eat a bag of rocks.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8 – “Chapter Eight: Mother’s Day”

* Part 8 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8 – “Chapter Eight: Mother’s Day”! In the previous installment, Carmine Falcone apparently hired the Riddler to give him answers as to the identity and whereabouts of Holiday, but the Riddler is so damn useless that he just goes “RIDDLE ME THESE QUESTIONS THREE” and other inanities, so Falcone kicks him out of his building. He almost gets killed by Holiday, but Holiday either misses on purpose or he really fucking sucks at shooting people, as it turns out.

Meanwhile, Batman’s faithful lackey Alfred tells him to start taking a closer look at Harvey Dent…

Oh yeah, have a good Mother’s Day, Bruce Wayne. She’s fucking dead you know lmao and also lol.


Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8 [July, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Eight: Mother’s Day”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8

Batman meets up with The Calendar Man back at Arkham Asylum. “It’s May,” Mr. Calendar says, smiling wryly. “You said you would have caught her by February.”

“I know what we said,” Batman growls.

Calendar Man insists it’s a woman, and Batman is skeptical. And anyway, why didn’t she kill anyone on April Fool’s Day? Hmm? THAT was a holiday, now wasn’t it?! The Calendar Man says what I was thinking at the time. “April Fools! No killing today!”

Batman asks this crazy motherfucker what he knows about Harvey Dent. Well, he knows he put him in the slammer, that’s one thing. He has a birthday coming up. *wink* Listen, Batty. Let out the freak and he’ll stop Holiday. He promises!

Before Batman can get any more out of this guy, a guard slumps on the floor behind him and begs for his help. There’s an escape on level 4, and that really sounds to me like the guard’s job to deal with. And he done fucked it up, of course. Why would there ever be competence in Gotham City?

Batman runs. The other guards say the man, Jonathan Crane, is gone. His mother came to visit him, and now he’s gone. Batman looks through the bars into an empty brick cage. He finds a little piece of straw, which tells me that Scarecrow is coming to visit now! Batman: The Long Halloween has really been a cavalcade of favorite villains, hasn’t it! Looking forward to Danny DeVito.

“Jonathan Crane strangled his mother years ago. On Mother’s Day. Someone else had a hand in this. Someone else brought him the straw. Unleashing the Scarecrow.”

OH BOY! I haven’t seen the Scarecrow yet in my Batman-reading adventures! I wonder if he needs a brain…

 Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8

I hate it when scarecrows try to run away. It’s, like, you’re supposed to be scaring the crows!

Jonathan Scarecrow Crane didn’t get far, because Batman leaves the asylum and tackles the guy off of his horse. “Who helped you? Who set this up? Give me a name or I’ll–”

“Scarecrow” crumbles into a pile of dang ol’ hay, unleashing a cloud of toxins and nerve agents and smoke and mirrors and confetti. “A ruse,” Batman thinks before he starts doubling over coughing. He dies and we never see him again.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Jammy Gordon makes a stopover at Wayne Manor again. Alfred kindly tells him that Bruce Wayne is off fucking some broad again, and then asks Gordon why Bruce is even a suspect. He has no connection to Falcone, right? Right? Huh? Hmm? Yes.

Gordon says, yeah, well, if he cooperates then we can clear this all up and go home to our Kid Cuisines. Alfred must make it clear that it’s Mother’s Day, and Bruce is a mother-lover, and he’s probably at the cemetery humping her gravestone. Go find him there, would ya? *slams door*

Elsewhere, specifically the Gotham River Bridge (‘cause there’s only one, of course), Sofia Falcone holds a man by his neck over the edge. She wants a name and the man gives her a name: “Gunsmith”. He’s packing .22s and you can find him in Chinatown. Chong’s Tea House. Tommy Chong, I hope. That guy’s tea will give you a good buzz, that’s for certain!

He asks Sofia to let him go and she does! Right over the bridge! We all had a good laugh at that one.

At Chong’s Tea House, Sofia is too late. A murder occurred. A grisly, gruesome murder. A gun murder. And she looks mad that she didn’t get to do the gun murder herself.

 Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #8

Someone stole my goddamn kill!

Bruce walks along Crime Alley, famously named for its various crimes. He basically spends a few panels going “wah, my mother” until Gordon shows up. Bruce has a flashback of the guy with the gun that put bullets into his parents and then runs away like a baby. A baby who can run, not one of those dumb babies.

“HOLD YOUR FIRE!” yells Gordon as Bruce runs and sweats. “Bruce… running will only make things worse…”

“We made it mother,” Bruce says to his own decrepit brain as he leaps onto the top of a moving bus. “We made it.”

Gordon and his backup will ambush Bruce Wayne at the cemetery where he is currently crying at his mother’s grave.

End of story.

Final Thoughts

Man, these are short issues. I’m plowing through these.

I didn’t much care for this one! Mother issues and Scarecrows? Not my cup of Chong’s tea, I say. Let’s see if next is Memorial Day where Bruce cries at the Vietnam Veterans Wall o’ Names. And then waves a flag in their honor. Like a dick.

East of West, Issue #41 – “The Last Two Brothers in the World”

* Part 12 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #41 – “The Last Two Brothers in the World”! In the previous installment, The Psalms fail to kill Death before he turns the tables. Xiaolian Mao is going to keep marching through to the Confederacy even if she has to plow through the Union/Endless Nation (against Wolf’s wishes). Famine and Conquest are taking Babylon to do some Great Beast training. War and Death have a stand-off, but if Death wants to wrest Babylon from the Horsemen then he’s going to have to try!

And that’s where we’re at right now. Things are coming to a head, as they say.


East of West, Issue #41 [February, 2019]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Last Two Brothers in the World”

East of West, Issue #41

It’s Endless Nation time, gentlemen and ladies and other members of the rockin’ teenage combo. Wolf is a little kid, and Cheveyo is most certainly not a little kid but he doesn’t look old either! A ship starts decsending toward them from the sky. It’s going to be a brother for Wolf! Sent from Santa Claus himself! Oh boy!

An old man walks down the stairs from the jet with a boyish John Freeman VIII in tow. The King’s Vizier. His King sends his regards, but barely. In that he doesn’t! But he does tell Cheveyo than Freemy No. 8 is the King’s favorite, so he gets the pick of the litter! “The Kingdom of New Orleans has always sent its princes to be raised in other nations. How better to know your allies than to be raised at their knee. Even better if they are not allies at all, no?”

Cheveyo promises Johnny 8 a wonderful upbringing, chock full of ice cream, Blockbuster Video, and neon trapper keepers.

“Perhaps it’s time for the boys to meet?”

“Yes. This is Prince John Freeman. Say hello, John.”

“Hey.”

“And this is my son, Wolf. Greet the boy, son.”

East of West, Issue #41

*starts WOLFING down all the ice cream*

Wolf hides behind Cheveyo and, suddenly, Johnny sees a tail poke out. “Huh? What the…” Poor Johnny looks thoroughly freaked out! Enough to kill? We’ll see in a minute.

Wolf sticks his wolfy head back out from behind his father and asks John if he’d like to play catch. This makes John cry with laughter. And the boys start having the fun.

Oh, the merriment and mirth! Oh, the joy! Oh oh oh!

I don’t believe in this anymore…

…but I do believe in you.

Sharra tells John Freeman VIII not to move an inch lest she fills his face with a gun fulla bullets.

We see more to this part of the story. One of the other Johns, the legless John, is tied to a vertical beam. He’s screaming his lungs out, asking what the hell is going on. Begging VIII to untie him and get him out. He’ll do anything! He’ll say really nice things about his dick! He’ll forgive everything he ever did! He’ll do really nice things to his dick. Anything!!! Guh! Guh! Buh!

Thomas the Hunter didn’t actually snipe VIII. He sniped legless John. We see this now.

VIII tends to his dead brother as much as one can tend to a dead brother (not much at all), and asks Sharra what the meaning of all this is! This all seems like some real bush league nonsense, ma’am. Some real D+ stuff going on.

East of West, Issue #41

Just a couple of bros sadboi-ing about death, is all.

“We have to go!” she yells. “I have a ship waiting for us, we can go wherever we want. But we have to leave now.”

“You still haven’t said why. My brother is–”

“A replacement. That’s what he is.”

Guh! Guh! Buh!

Remember your dad? Kingy? He wanted the assassin to kill you, but we aren’t gonna have that, now are we? And it’s all because you are Chosen, you dumbass dipshit. Should’ve thought of that. So let’s book it before your religious butthole gets pounded further. Sharra will explain more on the way (about Freeman’s religious butthole).

So Sharra and John try to escape on on of their sky ships, but King and his Merry Men approach obesely. John has already been squirreled away and out of sight. “I have to say I’m surprised to see you out here with all that’s occurred,” the King says to Sharra. “Needed a little walk to clear you head? To forget about the blood on your hands?”

She answers in the semi-affirmative. King tells her that a team has secured the body and confirmed that it was John, which leaves Sharra quite speechless indeed!

“Still… I will miss the boy. He would have, one day, made a formidable king. And while I don’t believe in miracles, if by one he was to appear someday, healthy and whole…” the King gives Sharra a grave, knowing stare, “I do believe in spite of the hard words he had for me the last time we spoke, I would embrace him and welcome him home to reclaim his rightful seat.”

IS THIS A TRICK?! “If only, my King…” she says, hanging her head. She is reminded the Viziers clean up messes; they do not make them. She understands and then shoves off in the sky ship.

East of West, Issue #41

I can give a trillion examples. Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Darkwing Duck. Phil.

Later, they appear to have landed in the desert. Everyone always ends up in the fuckin’ desert.

The sonofabitch knew. He knew! He knew! And he let it happen! And w–

Yeah yeah, just shut up and keep walking.

Sharra looks up at John and declares that she’s not coming with him. He is floored by this statement, because, and if he’s not at all mistaken, she risked her damn life to get to this point. He doesn’t understand. And I think it’s very simple: her place is there and his place is here. Duh. Deal with it.

“All I can do is free you… And so now you are free.”

They kiss, and she leaves.

“And who knows, maybe your father’s right, and one day a miracle might bring you back.”

Skip to the person I’ve been waiting to see again! Archibald sits at his comatose niece’s bedside… praying. Actually praying. Like, honest-to-God hands-clasped-together talking-out-loud praying.

“Dear God, you know I’m not a praying man. I’m much too vain for that, and honestly, I find the competition a bit off-putting.” Hey, that’s a decent start, right? Archibald knows there are things out of his control, as insufferable as that sounds, but not knowing whether Constance will live or die is a real trial, man. It’s the anticipation that’s the worst, you know?

East of West, Issue #41

Why you conniving little snake in the grass! Come here and give me a kiss!

BUT, he is also in the middle of a war in which he doesn’t know the outcome either. And the stakes there are much greater, so… ha ha, do I have to spell it out for you, God, you rapscallion?

Archibald lights up another cigar and walks away.

Constance peaks out through one eye. “Shit,” she mutters. Then falls back into a “coma”.

In the Endless Nation of Endless Boredom, Wolf sits perched atop a rock. Meditating or doing yoga or on drugs or something. A wild John Freeman VIII approaches! They exchange happy words and genuine pleasantries. It’s good to see you. Good to see you, too. Yada fucking yada.

“I thought I’d seen the last of you when we were being overrun by the pilgrim horde…” John says. “But then word started to trickle out about a new prophet… And the White Tower fell to the Endless Nation… It sounded like you.

Now that we’re all caught up, you can tell your good ol’ brother how you ended up getting away. What happened? Spill.

“Oh, you know, out of the frying pan and into the fire,” Wolf answers cryptically. He’s happy to see John and all that, sure, but he needs to know if he’s here for Kingdom business or Message business. And ha, well, it’s sorta Kingdom business. As in, his Fat Pops King ran him out of town. “I’m here Wolf… And I’m here to see this through to the very end.”

John follows Wolf to one of those crazy precipices that Wile E. Coyote is known to fall off of hilariously. It overlooks the Machine City, where Mao is plowing through with her army. “There’s going to be a great battle soon, likely very near to here,” Wolf tells John. “I cannot stop it… And I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well…” John hazards a solution. “We could watch.”

Grab the popcorn, chucklefucks! Some idiots are going to battle other idiots!

Archibald rides with a tied-up Bel Solomon in a FUTURE BENTLEY. Or something that drives itself? Archibald “feels something he hasn’t felt in years”, and it can’t be orgasm-related because I know that my boy fucks. No, this is something much better than an orgasm or two, and Bel Solomon gets to be there to bear witness to something extraordinary!

And the bitch has the nerve to feel ungrateful??

East of West, Issue #41

He was promised Pizza Hut and Blockbuster, so what do you think?

Bel Solomon is just tired and wants it to all end. The scream-faced visage of Cheveyo pops into Bel’s view and tells him he can sleep when he’s fucking dead. “This Chosen has chosen himself. And he should know the cost of it.”

Cheveyo goads Bel into telling an impatient Archibald something. Archibald is impatient because Bel is gibbering like a loon. “Don’t… don’t you see what you’re about to do?” Bel asks him, face wrinkled into a mask of CONSTERNATION and CONSTIPATION. “Don’t you care?” he continues. “All those people you’re about to grind to dust… Don’t you care that you’ve waited until everyone — everyone — is at their weakest before you will fight them?”

Bel finishes his point. “You only fight when people are at their weakest. And that makes you a coward.”

Ha ha ha! Of course Archibald knows that this is what you think, Taco Bel. That may be true, but it doesn’t shame Archibald. He knows what follows victory, and it’s like three orgasms!

“First, I will erase my enemies from existence, then there will be parades and speeches and all those wonderful things. After that, the real work begins, and that’s what makes the shame tolerable. You see, the shame only lasts for a day… but victory is eternal.”

Ohhhh-kay, and when no one remembers your name in 14 years did the victory really matter? That’s what I thought!

Oh wait, he thinks that people will remember him. But not as a coward. As a titan! “For history is written by the winners.”

Final Thoughts

Archibald fucks. That’s what all this is amounting to and you know it.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Lucky: A Clint Barton / Hawkeye Adventure”

* Part 1 of 5 of the My Life as a Weapon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Lucky: A Clint Barton / Hawkeye Adventure”!

My first encounter with Hawkeye was during my short-lived foray into Mark Waid’s shitty ‘90s Captain America and it sucked three butts. Hawkeye himself didn’t leave much of an impression on me, but I heard VERY good things about the Marvel NOW! Hawkeye series. So here I am.

Jeremy Renner, etc.

*yawn*


Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [October, 2012]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“Lucky: A Clint Barton / Hawkeye Adventure”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1

“Okay…” Hawkeye says, falling out of a 30-story window. “This looks bad.”

*yaaaaawwwnn*

Splash page! Hawkeye became the greatest sharpshooter known to man. He then joined the Avengers. This is what he does when he’s not being an Avenger. That’s all you need to know.

Me likey! Now we’re getting somewhere, because a) fuck the Avengers, and b) fuck the Avengers. I hate the Avengers. Every last one of them. What a bunch of losers with smelly, unwashed costumes.

Hawkeye plummets to his death; lands on a parked car. Other superheroes have magical powers and cool abilities. Clint Barton has a piece of wood with a string attached. Apparently, he was an orphan raised by carnies, and I’d rather read more of that than whatever the hell this is going to end up being.

“Got yourself pretty banged up there, Mr. Barton…” says a doctor later in the hospital, where Clint is in traction like you wouldn’t believe. All kinds of traction. “…shattered pelvis… three broken ribs… sprained your neck… cracked your fibia… left clavicle… right ulna… and your spleen nearly ruptured.”

Hey, thanks Doc! By the way, there’s no such bone in your body as the “fibia” you tremendous idiot. Where did you get your medical degree? Clown Circus Academy??

Six weeks later, Barton can get released from the hospital. Barely. He limps like a three-legged dinosaur (lol), but things are looking up up up up! “New York in August. S’just perfect. Underneath that baked summer scent of hot garbage, wet pennies, and pee, you can kinda smell some fresh air.” He hoists his big fat bulk out of the wheelchair in the middle of the road and walks away, leaving a bunch of cars and taxis honking at the empty wheelchair. What an asshole.

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Hawkeye Comics: Where the Action Never Stops!

Later (much later, presumably, I don’t know) we see a beaten-up Barton flump his wet, dying dog on the front desk of a veterinary clinic. “Lady… Fix. This. Dog,” he orders. The secretary doesn’t know how to fix dogs at all, so she just stares at him silently.

When the vet asks what happened, well… we flash back again to the wheelchair in the middle of the road. The guy who wheeled Barton out of the hospital (who looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force by the way) starts running over and swearing at him. “That’s a two-hunner dollah wheelchair y’just kicked inta traffic,” he hollers incomprehensibly. “@*&#$!” he continues. Hawkeye considers lying to get his ass out of trouble, but the dude saw him abandon the wheelchair in the middle of the road, so no go.

“&%#@!” the orderly yells again. Barton tells him to bill him for the chair and he hails a taxi. He feels stupid sitting in this car in the middle of traffic when all the other Avengers can fly or use webs to get around town or parkour off of very tall buildings. Hawkeye can hit a target with an arrow. He decides to get out of the taxi without paying the fare and walks away. The cabbie starts yelling fancy punctuation marks too.

“I’m living in on the top floor of a big old building out in Bedford-Stuyvesant these days,” Barton tells us boringly. The rent is cheap and nobody really recognizes him since he’s a J-list Avenger. He rounds the corner and sees his Russian landlord bullying a black family as a couple of cronies throw their possessions out on the curb. “Ivan.” Barton approaches the landlord. “You think you can maybe not threaten to kay-eye-ell-ell anybody around their kids?” Ivan tells Barton to back off. He shows him a lease that shows a 300% increase in the family’s rent. “Is in lease. She sign. So pay or goodbye.”

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Life ain’t fair. Get the fuck out.

Barton grabs the lease and scans it. Ivan smiles at the airtight contract and warns Barton that he’ll be getting one next.

Flash forward to the vet. “Mr. Barton, we need to talk about your dog.” Is he dead? Is the dog dead? Dead dog? “He’s not my dog,” Barton responds. Dead someone-else’s-dog?

The dog has lost a lot of blood and is in shock and needs surgery like you wouldn’t believe. A buttload of surgery. Otherwise, euthanasia is a fantastic course of action! Dead dog! What do you think, Mr. Barton, sir?

“@#%*!! that. Dog’ll make it. Do what you gotta do. We clear?” Barton says, poking a finger at the vet’s chest.

“I will absolutely operate on the animal, but you need to ask yourself are we doing this for him… or for you.”

VERY POIGNANT QUESTION. Let’s see here. Let me check my pocket for the answer. *pulls out raised middle finger* And do the surgery. “Sorry I snapped at you,” Barton says forlornly.

Flashback to the evening of the hospital release. Most of the building is hanging out on the roof for an evening social. They do this every night if the weather is nice, which sounds horrible to me. Socializing with apartment neighbors? I’d rather kill myself with a garden rake.

Barton flicks a penny at a beer bottle. It bounces off without breaking it. “Earth’s mightiest hero all right,” he thinks to himself. No self-esteem, this guy. No self-worth. Reminds me of a young me!

His neighbors are discussing how pets are suddenly forbidden in most of the buildings around the block lately. Their building just got hit with this restriction too. A damn shame. Anyway…

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1

I like pizza and I’m pretty bad myself, bro.

Flash forward. “Can I pet your dog?” Barton asks a random guy on the street while chowing down on a slice of pizza. The random guy may not be random. Sounds like one of Ivan’s guys. “He bite, bro. Not good idea, bro.”

Barton tries to feed the dog pizza, which gets the guy mad as the dickens. Barton then reveals a duffle bag full of money and demands to be shown the secret casino inside the building. It works! Time to start gambling like a real Avenger-type hero.

“I don’t really know from casinos. Everything I do know comes from James Bond movies. Don’t have a tux but hopefully they’ll be cool.”

Barton enters a room with a lot of shady folk sitting at private card tables. I think he was expecting an actual fucking casino, lmao. All the creeps start laughing when Barton says he doesn’t play cards! Doesn’t even play cards! What’s this guy’s angle?! Is he looking for a fight or something?

Barton spots Ivan. “Bro. You go now,” Ivan smiles. Barton do not go now. He throws the large duffle bag onto his table. “I’m here to pay the rent. For everybody in the building.” Ivan is left somewhat speechless. “Should cover the mark-up for everyone in the building. All cash. Tax-free. Bro.”

Ivan is suspicious; wonders if Barton should even be spending this particular bag of what appears to be rather dirty money. One of Ivan’s men starts pulling out a gun. “Maybe don’t want fairy godmother cash,” says Ivan. “Maybe want empty building, bro.”

So Ivan doesn’t accept. Barton says he wasn’t asking.

Out come some playing cards, which Barton starts flinging at people. Hitting throats and shit. Creating chaos. Having a good time!

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #1

FREE MONEY! HOOAH!

Flash forward slightly. Barton is asleep in the veterinary clinic’s waiting room, presumably because he has nowhere else to sleep for the night. This is before the dog situation. Ivan and two of his men enter the building and approach the snoozing little dipshit. “Bro. BRO!!” Then Barton gets tossed through the window. Second time in one issue! The guy can take a beating, I’ve learned that much at least.

The three men brandish guns and start chasing down the running Barton. One shoots him in the arm, then their dog jumps up and bites the guy’s gun arm. Then he throws the dog right into traffic. Barton stops running, turns around, and start punching the dudes for throwing a dog right into traffic. It’s raining. No one is paying attention. The dog’s gonna get hit by a car and–

Flash forward further. The dog is in surgery. Ivan and his two men enter the building and approach Barton… but then Barton flies off the handle and starts beating the shit out of all of them again. “WHO THROWS A DAMN DOG INTO TRAFFIC–” he yells while Ivan is like “bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro” about it. The rest of the waiting room is like “brrt!”, but Barton assures everyone that they’re ok. Just this Ivan guy in his smelly tracksuit is not going to be ok. Not ok at all. “It’s okay. I’m an Avenger,” he says wanly.

Ivan pats his bloody nose with a tissue. “Bro. What kind of Avenger does this?” He enters a taxi and insists that he broke no laws. Landlords can raise the rent to $1,000,000 a month if they want. Like the fucking scavengers that they are. Hawkeye takes this opportunity to tell Ivan the best part about being an Avenger: Captain America! That’s guy’s the best. Why, just being around him is illuminating! Brings out the best in people! *puke*

You want to be good when he’s around. But guess what? Captain America ain’t around right now.

So here’s the deal, bro. Here’s the money for everyone’s rent, bro. And here’s the money for the building proper, bro. You’re going to take it and get lost, bro. Fuck you, bro. Barton tells the cabbie to take him to the JFK airport ASAP and he STD,B (slams the door, bro).

Back at the vet, the Traffic Dog has been diagnosed with all sorts of broken bones (like a FIBIA for god’s sake) and also he lost an eyeball! Pretty crazy stuff, eh? I lost an eyeball once but the vet fixed me up in a jiffy as well.

“What’s his name?” asks the vet.

“He’s not my dog. Anything on his collar?” responds Barton.

“Collar says it’s ‘Arrow’.”

“Ehn. I’ll come up with something better.”

Final Thoughts

Ehn.

Just kidding! I like this so far. Flawed heroes being kinda shitty is my cup of tea. Coming back for more real soon.

And that’s a wrap. See you next time, dudemeisters.