Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #43!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1) , Issue #43 [September, 1969]

”How Do You Spell That”

I don’t know what’s going on in the cover art and I don’t want to know.

An impossibly buff Alan M. is jogging down the street. Josie points out this luxurious hunk of beef to Melody, but Melody has already resigned to the fact that cunty Alexandra Cabot is driving up like a madwoman to steal Alan from under their noses. Let me point out at this time that Melody is wearing cutoff jeans that barely hide her vagina.

Alexandra hits about four mailboxes and a baby while waving for Alan’s attention. He doesn’t hear her, but he does say hi to Josie and Melody as he passes by. Ooooooh, that really steams Alexandra up but good! She drives beside him. “Hop into my luxurious car, Alan dear, and I’ll take you out of this depressed area with all its gamey little gamins!”

Nothing doing! Alan’s trying to run, idiot! Keep those legs in shape for the Biiiig Game! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!

Alexandra drives off menacingly, puffing exhaust into Josie and Melody’s faces, killing them instantly. The angry, rich little minx returns home to find her sunglassed brother poring over some sort of book on a fancy desk. “The big, beautiful dope would rather jog than ride with Alexandra Cabot!!” she shouts irately. Welcome to 1969, by the way. Alexandrea is wearing these waist-high pants with vertical green and black stripes. What the fuck was going on in the world?

Don’t let Roy Orbison shove you around like that, you mangy little rug you.

Well, her brother tells her to put a sock in it for a second. He wants to show her this fab book he found in the house somewhere, like the chimney or something. They have an ancestor named Sebastian, just like Alexandra’s cat! Isn’t that cool? No?! Why I outta!…

“Do you suppose there was some ghostly influence being exerted when I named Sebastian?” Alexandra asks while her feral-looking cat stares blankly ahead. Alexandra’s brother, whom I don’t know the name of goddamnit someone please say his name, tells her that it’s a funny coincidence that Old Sebastian was suspected of consorting with witches!

Oh good, his name is Alex. They are both named Alex. And the other guy is Alan. This is all a fantastic riot to keep straight. Anyway, Alexandra is taken aback! “That’s as silly as accusing this pretty little putticat of practicing black magic!” she says, holding up the tufty, scrawny, disease-ridden cat to her face. Alex fancies taking a trip to the west wing of their house. You know, to see President Josiah Bartlett! And then to see what Old Sebastian might have looked like! (He looked like shit)

They go through the catacombs of the west wing hallways, checking out portraits that date back centuries until they find what they’re looking for. And Alex’s eyes just about pop out of their sockets.

Handsome eyeballs, sir. Tee hee. Do you enjoy playing at whist during the noon hour?

There’s an inscription on the globe that the Portrait Cat is sitting upon: “Streak of light through the darkest black, stroke my fur… I arch my back, warlock, witch or bottled genie, call me up with Eenie Meanie!” Alex looks like he frightened the poop right out of his tight-ass butthole while Alexandra laughs it up. Alex thinks the words are some sort of invocation and he just said them out loud! Oh no no no no no, eek! This is not going to be good! Or will it?… wait, no! No good! Or is it…?

“IT’S A MESSAGE TO YOU AND THIS EVIL FELINE!!” Alex hollers uncontrollably. I’d call the police at this point. “YOU’RE A WITCH!”

Or the sanitarium.

“Then how come I couldn’t get Alan M. in the car with me?” Alexandra asks indignantly, and she has a point. But Alex finds this whole scenario suddenly intriguing. “You might have powers you don’t know about!” he says, stroking his hairless chin. “Maybe with those words ‘Eenie Meanie’ you could cast spells, or disappear or something!”

Ok, buddy. Aren’t you supposed to be managing Josie’s band? Instead of, you know, being a crazed weirdo? He goads her into whipping up a spell, one that’ll put a delicious pie on the table. Do it, bitch.

Can someone get these two virgins out of my line of sight, please.

Alexandra says the words and ain’t no pie showin’ up. “You’re a nut, Alex,” Alexandra says before picking up her wretched little pet and walking away, repeating the silly words she just said in derision. The pie shows up this time and splats all over Alex. Will we ever be able to witness the next chapter of this story??

”It’s a Snap”

Yes! The story continues with a new name! This is how we do it in Josie and the Pussycats. Alex surmises that picking up that cat and stroking it while saying the words is what caused the pie to appear this time. It all makes sense now! “Because HE is the incarnation of our witchy old UNCLE SEBASTIAN!!” He points an accusing finger at the cat. Alex looks one more shout in his direction away from a school shooting.

The pie didn’t end up on the table, though? No matter, try again!

“Eenie meanie, antique chair,” Alexandra points at her target. “Move from here to over there!”

The chair fucking whips through a window in the opposite direction. I assume it flew to Mars because neither of them make mention of it again. “I seem to be some sort of inaccurate witch!!” she observes astutely while they take an afternoon drive. But forget about that for now, she realizes that she can snag Alan M. with these crazy new powers. And Josie for Alex! “EEYAHOOO!” Alex yells while putting the pedal to the metal. Let’s win some hearts nonconsensually! Eeyahoo!

Make us fall in love with him right now, sis!

“Let’s sharpen it up a bit first, by testing it on someone unimportant!” Alex says brainfully. Head fulla brains, they say about this guy. They single out Fat Sheldon, a guy so fat that “Fat” is his first name! “Eenie Meanie, it’s incredible, for Sheldon, nothing more is edible!”

Sheldon spits out his food. A success! Now he’ll die of starvation in two weeks time, good work team! Let’s work on those magic roofies for Josie now.

While Sheldon yells about how the thought of food upsets him, Melody walks by asking what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong, dame! Ol’ Shelly here is going to lose a couple thousand pounds now, that’s all. Say high to the pretty lady, Sheldon. Thatta boy.

Melody thinks this is wild and then snaps her fingers at an idea she just had. Hypnotism! This finger-snapping causes Sheldon to run into the grocery store like he’s dying of not-having-gout. Not only that, but Alexandra’s cat starts arching his back and hissing and spitting and being a little dickhead in general. It was the dang finger-snapping, I tells ya! Sheldon’s gonna die of diabetes and the cat is scared, son! She’s a witch! *points at Melody* WITCH!

Melody snaps her fingers again, sending the cat into an even greater tizzy. “What’s with your cat? He seems to be in pain!” she observes while all sorts of comical stars and circles swirl over Sebastian’s head. Alex and Alexandra want to keep Melody away while they sink their dirty little claws into Josie and Alan M.

Melody snaps as she leaves, killing the cat and causing great distress for Alexanra. The funeral will be on Wednesday.

”Miscast”

The Horrible Cabot Siblings hide behind a tree as Josie walks by with Alan. Alexandra is going to turn the whore into a frog!

“Don’t you dare, you… you witch!”

“Why not?”

“Because then you’ll get Alan, but what will I have? A wet, slimy, wart-producing frog!!”

And how! Frogs are cool, man. They, like, can, uh, hop. Anyway, the siblings start fighting amongst themselves until Alexandra casts a spell to have a tree branch land on Alex. It misses, unfortunately, much to all of our collective chagrin. Alex dusts himself off and they continue their pursuit of Josie and Alan.

“Hah! Alan M.!” Alex says, finding him within seconds. “Big man on campus! Know what you are? A second rater is what you are!”

Alan M. has a very good comeback to this: “Oh?”

Alex pokes his poop-covered finger at Alan’s chest. “Alex Cabot can top Alan M. at anything, anytime.

Josie looks nonplussed. Looks like the challenge is going to be “jumping over a two-foot wall”, which Alan M. performs with ease, grace, poise, and sexual arousal. Josie looks pleased! Now it’s Alex’s turn, and he decides to try jumping over a seven-foot fence.

By golly and jeepers, the nerd’s gonna get creamed!

Little does Alex know that Alexandra put the hex on him! Alex almost makes it, but his foot hits the top and he tumbles so hard that, for the first time in the whole comic, Alexandra has surprised, concerned eyebrows instead of mean, furrowed eyebrows! We, the audience, laugh at Alex’s untimely death, though.

Later, at home, Mr. Cabot walks around the house wearing his fat green goomba shirt with dollar signs all over it. “Alexandra!” he yells at his skunky daughter. “Something’s sent him round the bend! He thinks he’s related to your cat!!” They find the disheveled so-and-so snapping his fingers wildly at Sebastian, wondering how Melody did the hocus pocus, and we’ll return after a lengthy commercial break of sea monkey advertisements and a “Dear Josie” column where a girl writes in about wanting to fuck other boys in the class even though she’s already fucking her boyfriend. Josie tells her to stop flirting and basically calls her a ho.

“Heh, heh! Let’s see you ‘spell’ yourself out of this, you imp of Satan!” Alex cackles while he hides behind a tree. There is an awful lot of tree-hidin’ going on in this issue. Josie and Melody approach in the distance while Sebastian crosses the sidewalk right in front of Alex. He chucks a goddamned bowling ball at the cat, who jumps just in time. Josie and Melody don’t leave unscathed, though! They get knocked down like a couple’a pins! Josie cradles her possibly broken ankle while Alex leaps out and tries to apologize to the love of his life. “Josie! Josie baby! I’m sorry! It wasn’t my fault I–”

Then Alex trips and lands, with all of his 170 pounds, on Josie’s back with a sickening CRUNCH! Josie, now a paraplegic, lies dazed on the grass. Alex runs and gets some water. “In cases like this water always helps!” he says moments before tripping again and dousing Josie with 85 gallons of freezing cold water.

Wet t-shirt night, baby!

Alex hollers at the cat, who has been standing aside as an innocent bystander during the whole ruckus. “That cat is a witch who works through his sister Alexandra!” he yells, pointing accusingly at the feline while Josie and Melody are too busy being critically injured to indulge in the sad little boy’s insane rantings. “They’ve been casting spells at me! It’s a double cross! That’s how come I rolled the bowling ball over your foot!”

Now Josie and Melody are scared, the kind of scared that young women are when some lunatic yells in their direction about being a nice guy who definitely won’t rape them harshly. “That’s how come I tripped and fell on you! That’s why I threw water in your face! It’s witchcraft!

Mr. Cabot comes out of the house, quite fatly I might add, wondering who’s yelling and why and whose vocal chords he has to stomp to make it go away. Alex yells at his pops about witchcraft and cats, and Mr. Cabot all but slaps the lad across his wet, pink mouth. “I was just talking to Alexandra on the phone! She’s downtown having her hair done!”

Alex makes a “brrrt!” face and starts yelling at the cat. Josie and Melody feel sorry for Alex instead of vowing never to talk to him again. No one lives happily ever after.

Final Thoughts

”Dear Josie, I’m a 13-year-old girl with scabies and none of the boys will even look at me anymore! Help!”

”Scabies?? Gross! Stay away from me, too! Love, Josie”