Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Laura Kinney discovers her sister clones in the sewers plotting their revenge against the Alchemax facility who kept them imprisoned for what I have been led to believe are centuries! Captain Mooney of the Alchemax facility, who has tasked Kinney with finding the clones, thanks her for her service. BUT THEN THE CLONES RETALIATE AND MURDER EVERYONE IN MOONEY’S ARMY! Or at least knocks them rather unconscious.
Taskmaster shows up and shoots the three sisters in the brain. Wolverine is like “oh no” and the Taskmaster is like “oh yes”. That sums it up for now. The sisters are likely fine and the Taskmaster will likely eat his own butt for dinner. Such is the circle of life.
All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [February, 2016]
Written by: Tom Taylor
The Taskmaster radios the Alchemax retrieval crew. There are myriad unconscious and/or dead bodies to scoop up, sirs. Bring a shovel.
The three Sisters have all been terminated, so can a brother get a hoo-ray?
Wolverine, though? She– *snikt* …she’s still around. And she looks super fucking pissed. So the Taskmaster gets off the phone. “I was only hired for these three,” says Taskmaster, rather sheepishly I might add. “I’m really not interested in you–”
With a mighty “HRAARGH!”, Kinney leaps toward Taskmaster with her claws and attempts a good ol’-fashioned eye-gouging. Taskmaster grabs her hand easily and tells her to calm down. “Seriously, this is just stupid. Do you have any idea who I am?”
He shows her some powerful moves! He can anticipate any attack, mimic any move, and adapt to any fighting style at the drop of an oversized novelty hat!
Then Kinney snikts Taskmaster right through the center of his hand, then kicks him across the face. So much for countering anything. She pulls the face off of Taskmaster and reveals yet another Laura Kinney clone. A scared Laura Kinney clone.
“They said you don’t kill anymore,” says scared Laura Kinney clone Taskmaster.
“I don’t,” Kinney responds, revving up a fist and then knocking her clone completely out cold.
Meanwhile, behind her, the alive and well Sisters don their masks and brush themselves off. Body armor, son. That’s what helped the not-dying! So I’m two for two: the Sisters are fine, and Taskmaster is currently munching on her own butt. The circle of life continues!
Kinney decides that staying put is a dumb move, so she’s going to follow the Sisters to wherever it is that they want to go to. Also, it turns out that Taskmaster is just some random guy, so forget all that stuff I said about another Kinney clone. The artist drew them so similarly that I’m currently reeling right now with abject anger.
When Kinney convinces Bellona to not put a giant bullet through Taskmaster’s tiny head, Bellona calls her a pacifist.
Would a pacifist do THIS? *sits peacefully*
Billie Eilish is right! You all can kiss her “pacifist” ass!
Bellona is like “all these mopes just tried to kill us, you know”. And Kinney’s like “yeah, I know, but, uh, some of them might have families”. While they bicker, Kinney Clone #3 caps the unconscious Taskmaster right in the knees. That bitch will have to crawl for her bones, now. Let’s boogie!
Soon, in the streets of New York City (New York State) (USA) (Earth), the women pile into a “car” that looks more like an armored truck than a “car”, but a “car” is what they call it (“I’m not sure you can call that a ‘car’,” Kinney says).
While plowing through the road at 450mph, Kinney asks the Sisters where they’re getting all their stuff. Weapons, armor, “cars”. The drone in Paris. Gabby is about to spill the beans, but Bellona stops her blabbermouth sister before she has a chance to say anything.
Then other armored trucks packed with people with shooty guns show up on the road behind the Sisters and start shooting their guns at them. “How did they find us so quickly?” Bellona yells. Kinney makes a face like Garfield and tells her, I don’t know, it’s probably because they’re basically driving a tank through the city? What is this? Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? Because hell yes if it is. That game rules.
Anyway, do you want to know how these army-type men found the Sisters so quickly. It’s because Captain Mooney put a tracker in Kinney’s arm. A tracker that she spends two panels digging out with a razor-sharp claw. Yee-ouch, sir.
Now Bellona is pissed, and she ain’t holding back. Bullets fly everywhere. Even armor-piercing bullets!
See?
The Sisters get down the best they can while Kinney Clone #3 (Zelda) keeps driving. Kinney tells the Sisters drive away and hide while she leaps out of the car to deal with the Alchemax forces. She crashes right through the windshield of the armored car behind her and puts a boot in Captain Mooney’s face, causing him to flip the car like a yo-yo across the street. Of course, he emerges from the damaged vehicle unharmed.
“Until I completely understand what’s going on, the Sisters are under my protection,” says Kinney. Mooney lets out a mirthless laugh and calls them “experiments” again. Soulless non-humans. “They’re like you. Experiments pretending,” he tells Kinney. Kinney reminds him that she already kicked his ass once today, and that he’s in a totaled car, so she can hurt him really bad any day of the week!
“We know where you live,” says Mooney. “We know your friends. We know your X-Men. We know about that boy who flies you around. You can’t steal our property. We own them. You can’t hide from us!”
“I won’t be hiding,” Kinney retorts, walking away.
Later, in an old abandoned warehouse, the Sisters lay low. Kinney finds them so easily that you would think she just used Google Maps and typed in “Laura Kinney clones”.
“How did you find us?” asks Gabby. The car was leaking fuel! She just followed the trail! LOL LOL LOL. Kinney also attached the tracker to a hyperactive squirrel, so Alchemax will be chasing acorns before they know which way is up.
But enough celebration. Zelda ruins the party by saying she’s dying. “Whatever those bastards did to our minds to take away our pain, it took something else too. It took years from us.”
Gabby, once again, insists that they all just ran away from the Alchemax facility. They didn’t blow it up or nuthin’, even though Bellona admits that she wanted to. She wants to make all of them pay. To make them feel the pain that they feel. And all that other happy horseshit.
Kinney tells them all that revenge is a dish best served not at all! Fuck revenge. There’s someone in New York City who can help save their rapidly deteriorating lives! “But I’m warning you,” she adds, “this could get a bit weird.”
The house we’re going to will make Paradise look like South Sudan!
A man flies into view wearing a flamboyant cape and not looking much like Benedict Cumberbatch. “Wolverine, what do you want with DOCTOR STRANGE?”
Final Thoughts
What’s Doctor Strange going to do? Jack off?
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