Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Book I: Vader (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Book I: Vader storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Book I: Vader (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we see Darth Vader with his tail between his legs as he gets verbally lashed by Emperor Poopypants Palpatine. This leads to his task of getting Jabba the Hutt to help fund their Empire and further its reach to the Outer Rim. It’s going to go splendidly.

Also, I wanted eggs and bacon and toast and coffee and hash browns and pancakes and sausage and oh shit I’m fat now.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [April, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 2)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2

A splash page informs me that a Grand General Tagge is going to command the response to the Rebellion since Darth Vader really fucked the butt on this one, getting the Death Star all ‘sploded and everything. Fine for him, he wants to find the little pissant who blew it up. He doesn’t have time for Palpatine’s palpatations!

An Imperial shuttle is getting attacked by space pirates! Some real Captain Phillips shenanigans. All hell of such as “I’m the captain now”. Arrrrr, matey!

Pirates keep shooting them, the engines fail. They’re obviously after the precious, precious cargo (seven million cans of sardines). “Situation terminal! There’s no way out! Goodbye!” Yells the rather dramatic, over-the-top commanding officer of the… ok, he’s dead. I guess the drama was justifiable.

Darth Vader emerges from the orb of smoke in his TIE fighter. He’ll make short work of the pirates or his name ain’t Captain Jack Sparrow! Or something to that effect.

Vaderman shoots the ship and blows up the engine core within six nanoseconds. Mission successful! Let’s go home and pop open a Cold One. Miller Lite for all!

The mission is reported to General Tagge. The pirates were robots! Robot pirates! Monkey ninja zombie robot pirates lol I’m so random. They were extremely high-end robots too, kinda like those bending robots that bend stuff. Well-supplied bending robots. They need to be on their guard.

Something tells me there’s a little bit of animosity between Vader and Tagge. Call it a hunch.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Yes, but they are very detailed graphs!

Too bad Vader wasted all that time securing supplies from Jabba the Slut just for them to be stolen by robot pirates. A security breach is suspected, but Tagge is of the notion that it was merely routine piracy, nothing more and nothing less. The Death Star exploded, son! Chaos reigns supreme, and the pirates are getting bold, my friend.

This smug motherfucka keeps shooting smug faces at King Darth, which means he’s going to get a taste of his own butt really soon. “My plans may not be as glamorous or grand as yours or the departed Tarkin’s, but they work,” Tagge states smugly. “The starfleet is a sea. It is endless, cannot be beaten and given enough time turns the strongest rocks to sand…”

Metaphors are flawed, Colonel. Grandmaster. Caliph. At any rate, Tagge wants to repair the pirate ship, skull and crossbones flag and all, and then use it to locate the base FROM WHENCE it came. Then, and only then, will they earn their TV dinners.

Guess, what, Vader my boy? YOU have been chosen to lead this base-finding mission! Congratulations! *confetti* *balloons*

And, in due time, Vader will learn to love Tagge the way Tagge loves himself. Handjobily.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Now unzip those pants, citizen! Watch these skilled hands at work!

Tagge has assigned an assistant to the Lord Darth Brooks. Some dude named Oon-Ai. Be careful with him, he’s fragile. He will also be Tagge’s eyes AND his ears, and other parts of the body as need be. “Will this be a problem?” Tagge asks smugly.

“We will see,” Vader responds.

Oon-Ai is fucking nervous, man. As he should be, because Vader’s going to be a total bitch about all this. Nevertheless, Vader understands chain of command and will comply as necessary within the bare minimum. “But I suggest you be careful, Oon-Ai… my patience is not without its limits.”

Well, Oon-Ai is immediately not careful. He snoops around Vader’s ship records and discovers communcations logged by Boba Fett. What of this, my shiny black helmeted good man? “…it is a private matter. I’ll explain when we return…” Vader mumbles.

At the extreme edge of the Outer Rim, a base full of ugly aliens catches a glimpse of the robot pirate ship. “Hey! The droid ship is back!” Hooray! Time to repair and send it off again for more pirating!

An alien opens the hatch of the ship and prepares to unload all the stolen goods within! But then Vader is there waiting with his stormtroopers and then he kills some cocksuckers and then works on securing the core before the base initiates and carries out its self-destruct sequence. Meanwhile, the surviving aliens try to book it on their own ship.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Vader’s answer when he’s asked if he’s bored at home watching the dogs.

Robots in protective shield bubbles appear and start wasting stormtroopers. Vader is suspicious of the lack of self-destruct sequence. “They still think they have a chance.” He appears unphased by his stormtroopers dying in droves. After hemming and hawing, waiting for a few more to get killed, he decides to finally start effortlessly fighting back on the bubble robots. The room suddenly turns red, signalling the Big Bad Self-Destruct Sequence (BBSDS, as I like to call it).

Vader reminds Oon-Ai that he has been tasked with keeping an eye on Vader. So he’s going to complete his mission and don’t stop keeping an eye on him! Oon-Ai gets twitchy what with the self-destruct sequence going off and everything. Vader pulls a lever and announces that “it is done”.

They get back on their ship while the base explodes! Another job well done! TV dinners for all! Vader reports back to Tagge and compliments him on his immaculate plan! However… “You were wrong in one crucial area,” Vader says, holding a dead Oon-Ai by the scruff. He throws him at Tagge. “There was a leak.”

Oh snippity snap! Oon-Ai was a mole! He was watching things a little too closely! I knew it all along!

Darth Vader leaves smugly and asks his andromech droid if it has purged all evidence of its data upload. It beeps and boops to Vader’s satisfaction, but Vader pushes the thing out of an airlock and it explodes in space.

“Hmm. Droids. One can always trust droids…”

Final Thoughts

Darth Vader’s a bad guy! I’m learning this just now!

By the beat of his own drum, this mofo. He’s going to get what’s coming to him, I’m sure of it.

lol


Click here to ridicule this post!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Season 1, Episode 1 – “Welcome to the Hellmouth”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Buffy Summers, a high school sophomore, transfers to Sunnydale High. There she meets her new ‘Watcher’ and learns she cannot escape her true destiny.“

This is exciting, isn’t it folks! Let the adventure unfold. It’s too bad the first 25 episodes of the show suck ass, but that’s the price to pay for LORE and MYTHOLOGY and HILARIOUS XANDER HIJINKS.

“In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.”

This is the voiceover that will serve as the intro for the next 800 episodes. He sounds like some EXTREME ’90s DUDE, like he’s introducing Hulk “Terry” Hogan to the ring.

We begin traversing the dark hallways of the school after hours. Toward some double doors… toward the science classroom… under the desks… across the, uh, table by the window… a teenage boy punches through the window from outside like he thinks he’s the shit. He ain’t the shit. I can tell from his flipped-up hairstyle. A teenage girl follows him into the empty school. He’s looking to do some straight-up bonin’. She, understandably, is hesitant and perhaps a little bit disgusted. I would be if some guy wanted to straight-up bone me at 3am in a high school.

After some “let’s do this” and “we’ll get in trouble”, a noise is heard down the hallway. This teenager in a fucking leather jacket is like “there’s nobody ‘ere”. Then the girl turns into a scary vampire and bites him on the neck! I’m terrified! Is this what the show is going to be like?! I’m too scared to continue! Help! Help!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

I’d still tap it! Hardy har har!

*intro*

Buffy tosses and turns in her bed, dreaming of fire and cemeteries and horrible demons and Morrissey. She wakes up confused, especially about the Morrissey part. No time to dwell on it, though. It’s the big day! Time for school! Fractions and Latin and To Kill a Mockingbird and wedgies and swirlies and trauma and misery and depression and suicide. Except this is outside of Los Angeles and it’s always sunny. The lockers are outside! Isn’t that nuts?

Her mom tells her to try not to get kicked out of this school. Wait, hold on, is that Xander rolling in on a goddamned skateboard. I’m fucking dying right now. That’s atrocious. Enter Willow, dressed like a 1870s American Girl doll.

Principal Flutie, who will die in about five episodes, senses the delinquent that is Buffy Summers (she burned down the gym in the old school killin’ vampires) and gives her a stern talking-to. But don’t worry, he’s a coooool guy! Just watch it, delinquent.

In the hallways, Xander bumps into Buffy and does his awkward “hey there hello I’m a coooool guy” thing, which she doesn’t find impressive in the least. He embarrasses himself for comic relief. I embarrass myself writing about it. She drops her pointy wooden stake in the hallway, the thing she uses to kill Mexicans. And vampires. It’s not me who’s racist, I’m not killing Mexicans.

Enter Cordelia, who attempts to make friends with Buffy not knowing that she’s a complete dork. That friendship is going to last exactly fourteen seconds.

Now it’s library time. Buffy enters looking for textbooks. Giles swoops in like an accidental pedophile and presents her with a large tome with “VAMPYR” written on the cover, which is spelled wrong. He has a big smile on his face while Buffy stares at his face like every type of cancerous mole in the world is popping up on his face. “That’s not what I’m looking for…” she mumbles, backing off. She runs out of the library, leaving poor Giles confused and hopefully not horny.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Not my style. Got anything by Kurt Vonnegut?

The teenager who was bitten earlier? They find his body stuffed in the locker of a girl’s locker room. A girl screams, but I don’t see why… and then, at second glance, it’s because he’s dead and dead bodies are scary. Much scarier than alive bodies. It depends, actually.

Buffy introduces herself to Willow. Xander pops in with his friend Jesse, who is going to die quickly. That’s ok, he’s ugly. Xander returns Buffy’s wooden stake, which causes her to gibber and twitch. Xander has a five o’clock shadow because Nicholas Brendon is, at the time of this episode’s production, 47 years old. Cordelia stops by to tell them all that a dead body was found in a locker. The camera zooms in on Buffy, who has a face like “oh no this is bad”.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Welcome to the ’90s. We’ve got giant shirts.

Later, Buffy sneaks into the girl’s locker room where the dead guy still lies, for some reason. No one came by to collect it, which is lucky for Buffy. She gets to see the two holes in his neck, confirming Death by Vampire (the third-most common cause of death in the Los Angeles metropolitan area). Buffy returns to the library, where Giles gives the Slayer spiel and the Hellmouth spiel. One spiel after another. She doesn’t want to hear it; she retired from the life of Slaying. Burning down the gym was kind of the last straw there. Giles stares at her like she’s got every type of cancerous… you know the rest.

Giles is very insistent that Buffy should step up and start killing all the demons and ghoulies that will surely rise out of the ground to start gnawing on necks and spreading their feces wherever they like. Obviously, Buffy doesn’t want to hear this shit at all. She doesn’t want to hear this shit even though, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, a very bizarre Satanic ritual is taking place in a decadently decorated cavern right under the school! Like the mouth of Hell, it is.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Come on, kiddo, listen to your School Dad.

Joyce Summers and Buffy have a heart-to-heart about the new school and the new life, how she’s very optimistic that her daughter won’t FUCK EVERYTHING UP THIS TIME. Buffy is getting ready to go to the Bronze, where she will freak dance with sweaty pimple-faced 15-year-olds. On her way she gets accosted by Angel, who I can’t believe is in the first episode. He’s good-looking! Not at all fat and lumpy like he is on SEAL Team, a show for dunces.

Angel isn’t angsty or mopey yet. He’s putting on this tough guy façade, which is undermined by his puffy shirt with the huge collar. “You’re standing on the mouth of Hell… and it’s about to open… don’t turn your back on this… you’ve got to be ready.” Thanks, rapist.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Fun Fact: David Boreanaz’s dad is a retired weatherman. Wait… that fact isn’t fun at all.

He gifts her with a shiny new cross! It’s like garlic that actually works.

The Bronze is fully of teens who are dressed like dads bopping to the hip kids music. Willow is there, which is ridiculous. She and Buffy chat about boys, which not only fails the Bechdel Test but essentially crashes an airplane right into it. During their talk, Buffy notices Giles on the upper floor looking around like a total sex offender and she takes her leave before he spots her.

Giles does corner Buffy, who scolds her like the father figure that he is. “This is a breeding ground for vampire activity!” he wails in his admittedly charming British accent. His opinion is that a Slayer should be able to sense a vampire in a room without even seeing or thinking, and when she does sense a vampire in the room without even seeing or thinking, he’s all “that isn’t a vampire”. But it is, and he’s hitting on poor little Willow. Delicate as a flower. Or at least a willow. Time to skulk and get stabby!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

The is the loudest English pub I’ve ever been in!

She thinks she has cornered the vampire, but it’s something even more frightening: Cordelia. This encounter, wherein Buffy accidentally threatens her with the stake, cinches Cordelia’s opinion once and for all that Buffy is a lunatic who likes to wave pointy wood around. Meanwhile Jesse — remember, this is Xander’s friend and he’ll die very soon, so don’t worry. He’s ugly. — bumps into the vampire girl from the beginning of the episode. Her name is Darla. She’s going to be rude to him with the teeth and the gnashing soon.

Down underground, the vampire ritual in the decadently decorated cavern has worked! Up comes the Master, a real Voldemort-looking motherfucker who looks weak enough that even I could snap him like a twig. And I have trouble snapping twigs. He’s going to be the Big Bad, and it’s quite pathetic.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1, Episode 1 - Welcome to the Hellmouth

RAWR! Avada Kedavra! *fart noise*

Meanwhile, Willow is being led into the cemetery by Vampire Douchebag #3. Xander knows Buffy is the Slayer. They’re going to go save Willow now.

Willow gets trapped in a crypt with the vampire. Darla follows suit, with Jesse in tow. He’s all bitten up because of Darla. He’s going to die. He’s ugly.

Buffy is here to save the day! She stabs Vampire Douchebag #3, then she and Darla have a fist fight. Not very stabby, but she scares Darla all the same with her strength and cunning and encyclopedic knowledge of vampire stabbing. This other vampire, Luke, the one who raised the Master, he’s not scared of her at all. It’s Harvest time, and no one’s going to get in the vampires’ way with the Harvest stuff. We’ll see more of that in Episode 2.

To be continued. Wasn’t that fun, boys and girls. I was in rare form today!

Next Time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Season 1, Episode 2 — “The Harvest”
Xander and Willow plant seeds in their garden and learn that they accidentally grew a whole mess of weeds. They are arrested by cops, who throw them in prison forever.


Click here to ridicule this post!

The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 19: “Beneath the Dagger”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand and Company have been staying at the mountains for far too long since SOMEONE keeps shoving her OVERLY FEMININE SEXUALITY in everyone’s faces and MANIPULATING all of them to keep STAYING AT THE MOUNTAINS. And no, it ain’t Loial, although he does have a certain girlish charm…

Rand catches Selene pawing through his luggage one evening, and Rand is suspicious until Selene tells him that she needs to wear one of his shirts while she cleans her dress. She puts on a shirt and her bare legs are showing, which really sets Rand off. Like fireworks, man. Pants completely soaked in semen. It’s quite disgusting, really, especially since it was his last pair of pants.

Hurin approaches to inform Rand that he spots a weak fire in the distance. It is suspected to be Padan Fain and his group, so it’s time for a little ambush. Get some Horn out of it. You know, for the glory.

Rand and Loial prepare themselves for a good ol’ fashioned Darkfriend skewering. As they head toward the direction of the fire, Rand does that thing where he reaches into the void and enjoys the orgasmic pleasure of saidin. When they reach the camp, they find a chest (with the Horn) and a dagger with some sort of figure sleeping near them, presumably to guard the treasures but he’s doing a rather poor job of it! Rand, like an idiot, moves to touch the dagger but jerks away at the last second. He almost loses the heroin drip of the sweet, sweet void. He goes for the dagger for reals this time and slips it in his belt. Loial grabs the chest, and they both hightail it.

They don’t get very far before the sleeping figure awakes, and now the whole camp is awake, and now they’re hootin’ and hollerin’ about the Horn. While in the void, but avoiding saidin, he is able to pick off advancing Trollocs one by one. They make it back to their own camp, where Selene starts blowjobbing Rand for retrieving the Horn. She wants to continue to Cairhien, but Rand wants to return it to Fal Dara and give it to Agelmar. Let him deal with any responsibility with all things Horn-related. Selene argues until Rand concedes, so off to Cairhien they continue with the Horn and the dagger “safely” in the chest.

Elsewhere, Padan Fain shakes his fist like “darn you al’Thor, you win again!” We all have a good laugh at his expense.

And if it’s not obvious that Selene is trying to pull a fast one on everybody in the group, then you’re a complete dullard, sir. She’s obviously THE DARK ONE IN A CRAFTY, SEXY DISGUISE! Like when Bugs Bunny pretends to be a girl for fun.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “Venom (Part 1)

* Part 1 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “Venom (Part 1)”! Yet another wonderful Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight story that’s definitely not the same “Venom” as the Venom storyline from Ultimate Spider-Man! That’s not even DC, you chowderheads!

In the previous storyline “Prey”, Batman faces up against Dr. Hugo Strange with his weird Batman-related insecurities and mannequin-fuckin’. “Prey” was a packed story: there was a Mayor’s daughter kidnapping, and hallucinogen that caused Batman to go nuts and relive his parents’ deaths, the introduction of the Batmobile, a hypnotized Gotham police sergeant killing machine, and Catwoman was in the mix as well!

This series is really good. We return with another story by Dennis O’Neil, who wrote the racist first story “Shaman”. Here’s hoping that “Venom” is at least slightly less racist, please.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 [March, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 1)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Cover art; Batman runnin’ through the sewers. Dredged in poop. Doing what he does best.

A water main break is flooding a tunnel. There’s a child down there, for some reason, but the kid is doomed. Doomed! *slicing motion across neck with the “chhhkkkk” sound*

So Batman’s going to take it upon himself to swim through the tunnel and save this kid who, let’s face it, may end up becoming the next Hitler or the next Danny Bonaduce. But that’ll be years later. For now, let’s worry about the Batman factor.

After twisting and turning through the twisty, turny tunnels, Batman finally finds a little girl strapped to a chair right behind a cascading waterfall of water main breakage! He recognizes her as Sissy Porter, the girl with the dreadful name! “I’ll have you out in a minute,” Batman reassures the wretched youngin’. “Give you my word on that. My promise. Never break–”

The water creeps up Sissy’s neck while Batman decides to try to lift gigantic boulders of concrete and, do what with them, I don’t know. This is kid is an inch from being submerged while Batman fucks around with these rocks. Whatever he was trying to do, it didn’t work.

“She died.”

lol

I would’ve definitely tried lifting the chair she was strapped to instead. Maybe cut the ropes? Are you fucking shitting me, Batman? You deserve to let this one hang over your head. “I was too weak to save her,” Bruce whines to Alfred. He thought he was going to be such a hero! A superhero, as it were! He did all his homework: found the kidnapper, used detective work to find Sissy, and also 11th grade trigonometry and physics even though it was due yesterday. And yet, he started lifting rocks and the girl drowned. What a fucking dingus of the highest order.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Look, bitch, I’m tired of trying to reassure you every time you fail. You have the memory of a goldfish, sir.

“I suggest you permit me to do something about your garments.” Alfred changes the subject with classic aplomb. “’Filthy’ does not express–”

“No, not until I’ve done what I have to do,” Bruce interrupts. Then he jacks off in his stinky suit.

Nope, Batman has to traipse up to Sissy Porter’s father and give him the bad news. *slicing motion across neck with the “chhhkkkk” sound*

Oh boy, narration. “It is four in the morning when he reaches Randolph Porter’s suburban house, and still raining, he realizes that he has just over an hour before dawn before he loses the darkness that is his ally and protector.” Oh, just fucking jack me off. Batman is such a twerp.

Randolph Porter looks like a complete nerd, ripe for wedgie-ing. He’s wearing a lab coat and is slumped over a desk looking at tiny slides under a lamp. “Well, it is a shame. My daughter certainly had a short life,” he smiles when Batman breaks the news, “but I daresay it was a happy one.”

This guy did it. Look at his face. Look at it. Crack open your copy of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 and look at this bastard’s face. This guy did it.

“She died alone,” Batman frowns furiously. “In terror and pain.”

“Who knows what awful things would have happened to her if she’d lived, eh?” says Randolph Porter conversationally. Whatever, I guess. So what did the kidnapper want? Money? Jewels? Trinkets? Pornography of VHS of women spitting into other women’s mouths? “These,” Randolph smiles. “A handful of capsules.”

He presents a handful of capsules.

“Are you familiar with the term ‘designer drugs’? Randolph asks the Bat-like Man. Batman makes a face that suggests he doesn’t, probably because this is pre-internet and everyone had to do their research on microfiche. Basically, Dr. Randolph Porter custom makes drugs. Far out, man.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Positively drooling at that tasty little sucker!

“These babies right here,” Porter presents the pile of pills, proud of his work. “If you’d had them tonight at that tunnel, Sissy would still be alive. Go on. Take one.”

Yeah, that’s right. Go suck a dick, Batman, for killing his daughter by proxy. Get addicted to Porter’s pills as retribution.

“Not interested,” Batman eventually claims, obviously interested. He flicks the pill behind him. Suddenly, Batman hears the sound of footsteps ascending the staircase. He ushers Porter out of the room and–

*guns*

Some fuckface in a newsboy cap shoots his way through the door with semi-automatic rifle. “Owwww,” he cries when Batman grabs the dude’s wrist effortlessly. Right in the face this guy gets punched, why not? Randolph Porter is like “oh my”. Batman tells Mr. I Don’t Care Much That My Daughter Died to call the cops while he runs out to find this guy’s partner. Guys like these always have partners!

Batman busts through the window like a real jerk, in the rain no less, and discovers the truck right out front of the house starting to speed away. He does a big, stupid leap from the second floor right on top of the truck, which knocks the breath right out of his letting-a-kid-die lungs. The driver swerves around trying to throw the Bat off the top of the truck, but the guy holds on for dear life. Then the driver does things like do donuts and slam his vehicle into poles. Batman slides off into a puddle and watches the driver peel away. Failed again!

Bruce returns to his giant cobweb-laden abode where Alfred gives him shit for looking like a muddy asshole. Apparently, too, Bruce likes to set his clocks to the exact minute that his parents died. Alfred finds this curious rather than completely asinine like I do. Bruce retires to his cave where he starts deadlifting weights to, you know, make him feel more like a man. He needs to be able to lift 600-lb rocks! Can’t save children without lifting heavy rocks, I always say.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Ow! My lumpy-ass shoulder!

Alfred gives the injured Bruce a once over. Looks like he really, really messed up his shoulder. Go see a doctor. “Later, maybe. Get the car.” Bruce walks away frowning. Alfred really frowns. If I were Alfred I’d quit my job tout suite.

Getting the car they do. Bruce wants to travel to the spot where the truck hit the pole so that he can analyze the removed paint? I don’t know. He scrapes it with a knife and hauls ass back to his cave for paint analysis. Yep, it’s paint all right!

Time to call every body shop in Gotham City to see who uses this paint.

And then give lots of money to any body shop who uses this paint as a bribe to look through their records.

And then call District Attorney Harvey Dent for him to go through his records about any ne’er-do-wells from the body shop records.

One guy has a ding on his permanent record. “Suspicion of kidnapping”. Time to pay this guy a visit!

Then, after a hearty steak and eggs breakfast, we can–

“Master Bruce, it has been been at least ninety-six hours since you slept. Even through your jacket, I can see that your shoulder has swollen to twice its normal size. You are mumbling and barely coherent. I really must insist that you see a doctor and then retire–”

Shut up, Alfred! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Can’t you see that Bruce Wayne needs to AVENGE THE DEATH of some girl who could’ve been the next Danny Bonaduce?! THE WORLD HAS LOST A POSSIBLE NATIONAL TREASURE! He doesn’t care if he won’t sleep for a another ninety-six hours! He’s going to catch the guy who made Batman screw up a rescue mission!

Alfred’s gonna quit if you go through with this, sir.

Bruce Wayne, donned as Batman, ignores Alfred and gets out of the car. Whoops! Called your bluff, Butler Jones.

So this costumed freak scopes out the guy’s apartment or condo or hovel or motel room or whatever you want to call it. He gets right up to the window and says some menacing Bat stuff. Lays it all out on the table.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

And you’ll get me some fucking coffee. And it will be good. And you’ll take off your pants and quack like a duck.

Then Batman climbs through the window ready to pound some man butt. “Hey, man, I got no beef with you,” whines one of the two mopes Batman is trying to intimidate. The other is like “yo I got this” and then starts the fisticuffs. Since Bruce hurt his shoulder trying to deadlift 600 fucking pounds, he has the disadvantage. Especially when one of them whacks it with a lamp! Batman cries so hard here and I’m laughing and laughing…

So this limp-dicked loser gets taken down handily. One of the guys holds Batman while the other guy swings at his jaw, hurting his hand in the process. But the other guy punches Batman right through a window and onto the balcony. I’m fucking dying of laughter here. It’s very funny to see! He whomps on the ground right in front of Alfred. Peak comedy.

These two are about to hop out of the window and give the masked one much more comeuppance, but a man in the shadows tells them to let him go. This shadow man wears a fedora and a sharp suit. “His time has not come yet,” he says ominously.

Speaking of time not coming… sorry, terrible transition. Alfred wakes Bruce up later to tell him some important information about his conversation with the doctor: “I told the physician that you fell from a hot air balloon onto a picnic table full of cheese blintzes. The story is too ludicrous to be disbelieved. I’m sure the good doctor will enjoy relaying it.”

Alfred with the W yet again! I love that guy unconditionally. Bruce gets up and starts putting the Batman suit on again, much to Alfred’s chagrin. “And you should most certainly not be wearing that.” Bruce tells him not to worry, he’s just gonna be a dumbass all over again! Don’t wait up.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Sex.

Batman returns to Mr. Happy-My-Daughter’s-Dead to get some of those sweet, sweet, tasty pills of his, which he is happy to provide. Batman stares at it for a hot minute, then pops that baby right into his supple little mouth. “A month’s supply,” Porter says, proferring an envelope and grinning nefariously. “When these run out, let me know.”

Batman goes home and deadlifts 600 pounds. Now we’re cooking with gas! Time to put this newfound strength and gumption to good use! Batman decides to go to the bar where one of those guys are. You know, one of those guys. One of those guys who threw him out a window. Batman knew exactly where to find him, apparently.

“You weren’t hard to find,” he tells him, confirming my earlier comment. He picks this guy up by the scruff and heaves him onto a table. “Your turn,” he says, turning to the other guy at the bar.

“I c’n take you,” he says, smiling dopily. Batman punches him so hard in the face that there’s a panel that looks like his head exploded right off his body, which gets another lol from me. This guy is thrown through the window, destroying even more property in this establishment.

And then Batman stands there so proud and happy that he belts out a laugh.

It’s where the meme comes from.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Ha.

Final Thoughts

Oh my! Batman’s gonna be addicted to these sinister pep pills and he’s going to start fucking Alfred’s face in a delirium of confusion and extreme horniness!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight is clearly the best of any Batfamily series I’ve come across, which is admittedly a very small number. Still though, it proves that modern doesn’t always mean better. I’m looking at you, New 52. Bleh.


Click here to ridicule this post!

The Doubts Start Creeping In…

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Lesya

No regerts.

Ohhhhh boy, here it comes! Last time I brought up the uncertainty that was begin to preoccupy my thoughts, but now that we’re into August and my appointment is nine days away, I’m starting to feel the reality of the situation. I’m getting a very large tattoo, I don’t entirely know what it is yet, and it’s going to be a permanent alteration to half my arm forever. This doesn’t seem like a biggest deal, but it is to me. I never commit to anything! And now I’m going to plaster some art on my body like I’m a walking Louvre? What nerve I have, huh?

Some of my worries are very illogical, like “he’s going to nick an important vein and I’m going to bleed to death” or “he’s going to inadvertently draw a huge fucking swastika.” Some of them are more prudent, like “this is going to look stupid when I’m 85 and shriveled up” and “I’m going to have to hide my upper arm from my in-laws for the foreseeable future.” There’s one worry in particular that bugs me the most, and it’s “people are gonna be looking at me.”

I’ve thought about this decision for a long time — years. I’ve hit all the angles: permanence, visibility, initial pain and discomfort, living with the design choice. I’ve come to accept all of it, some components better than others. Some days better than others, even. But only on the very best days do I feel ok about “people are gonna be looking at me.” I hate it when people look at me. My whole vibe is “don’t look at me”, although my wife would argue that my vibe is “don’t look at me… but please do… but please don’t… but do, ok… but don’t.”

When you have tattoos, being looked at is part of the territory. No matter how shitty or good your tattoos are, people are going to either think “that’s shitty” or “that’s good” and there’s nothing you can do about it. So why fret? Why even put any mental energy toward worrying about something as stupid as what Bob down the street is going to think of your right arm art display? If I’m not worried about being judged, then what am I actually worried about?

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Stickers

I could always make my arm look like a Lisa Frank notebook.

Mostly, it’s being talked to, I guess. I’m not gonna wanna talk about my tattoos, ok? Don’t approach me on the street or in a restaurant or on the bus or in the library and go “cool tattoo.” Fuck you. How dare you do something as inconsiderate as force me into a conversation with a total stranger? Boo to that for real. What do you think I’m going to be talking about with you? Our shared love of tattoos? No. Our shared love of art? No. I’m going to cloister myself into my shell of shame until you walk away from me, that’s what I’m going to do.

So, if I have gotten myself to the root of my fears? What can I do it about it? Here are a few simple solutions!

1. Never see another human being again for the rest of my life.
Brilliant in its simplicity. When the final needle of ink is injected my skin come December, I’m going to say toodle-oo to my friends and family just in time for Christmas! December is the perfect time to find a nice cave high in the mountains. I can mingle with various mountain goats and Yetis, bask in the comfort of -40°F weather, and enjoy staring at my tattoo while I die of starvation and exposure.

2. Wear long sleeves for the rest of my life.
Ah, now this is realistic. In order to prevent all the lookie-loos from staring at my arm, I shall wear long-sleeved t-shirts, button-downs, and Snuggies. 110°F Chicago summers? Wool coats and cable knit sweaters. My arm shall never see the light of day, and I will greatly enjoy seeing my tattoo disintegrate under all the heat rash.

3. Get over it.
Yeah, get over it. Nobody cares about this except me. This seems like the most likely option, except I still want to make friends with a nice, strong Yeti.

The next time I update the Chronicles of the Tattoo, I hope to have some cool ink to share while I simultaneously freak the fuck out about my midlife crisis decision and my complete collapse into depression and anxiety. Tally ho!


Click here to ridicule this post!