The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 19: “Beneath the Dagger”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand and Company have been staying at the mountains for far too long since SOMEONE keeps shoving her OVERLY FEMININE SEXUALITY in everyone’s faces and MANIPULATING all of them to keep STAYING AT THE MOUNTAINS. And no, it ain’t Loial, although he does have a certain girlish charm…

Rand catches Selene pawing through his luggage one evening, and Rand is suspicious until Selene tells him that she needs to wear one of his shirts while she cleans her dress. She puts on a shirt and her bare legs are showing, which really sets Rand off. Like fireworks, man. Pants completely soaked in semen. It’s quite disgusting, really, especially since it was his last pair of pants.

Hurin approaches to inform Rand that he spots a weak fire in the distance. It is suspected to be Padan Fain and his group, so it’s time for a little ambush. Get some Horn out of it. You know, for the glory.

Rand and Loial prepare themselves for a good ol’ fashioned Darkfriend skewering. As they head toward the direction of the fire, Rand does that thing where he reaches into the void and enjoys the orgasmic pleasure of saidin. When they reach the camp, they find a chest (with the Horn) and a dagger with some sort of figure sleeping near them, presumably to guard the treasures but he’s doing a rather poor job of it! Rand, like an idiot, moves to touch the dagger but jerks away at the last second. He almost loses the heroin drip of the sweet, sweet void. He goes for the dagger for reals this time and slips it in his belt. Loial grabs the chest, and they both hightail it.

They don’t get very far before the sleeping figure awakes, and now the whole camp is awake, and now they’re hootin’ and hollerin’ about the Horn. While in the void, but avoiding saidin, he is able to pick off advancing Trollocs one by one. They make it back to their own camp, where Selene starts blowjobbing Rand for retrieving the Horn. She wants to continue to Cairhien, but Rand wants to return it to Fal Dara and give it to Agelmar. Let him deal with any responsibility with all things Horn-related. Selene argues until Rand concedes, so off to Cairhien they continue with the Horn and the dagger “safely” in the chest.

Elsewhere, Padan Fain shakes his fist like “darn you al’Thor, you win again!” We all have a good laugh at his expense.

And if it’s not obvious that Selene is trying to pull a fast one on everybody in the group, then you’re a complete dullard, sir. She’s obviously THE DARK ONE IN A CRAFTY, SEXY DISGUISE! Like when Bugs Bunny pretends to be a girl for fun.


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Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “Venom (Part 1)

* Part 1 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “Venom (Part 1)”! Yet another wonderful Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight story that’s definitely not the same “Venom” as the Venom storyline from Ultimate Spider-Man! That’s not even DC, you chowderheads!

In the previous storyline “Prey”, Batman faces up against Dr. Hugo Strange with his weird Batman-related insecurities and mannequin-fuckin’. “Prey” was a packed story: there was a Mayor’s daughter kidnapping, and hallucinogen that caused Batman to go nuts and relive his parents’ deaths, the introduction of the Batmobile, a hypnotized Gotham police sergeant killing machine, and Catwoman was in the mix as well!

This series is really good. We return with another story by Dennis O’Neil, who wrote the racist first story “Shaman”. Here’s hoping that “Venom” is at least slightly less racist, please.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 [March, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 1)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Cover art; Batman runnin’ through the sewers. Dredged in poop. Doing what he does best.

A water main break is flooding a tunnel. There’s a child down there, for some reason, but the kid is doomed. Doomed! *slicing motion across neck with the “chhhkkkk” sound*

So Batman’s going to take it upon himself to swim through the tunnel and save this kid who, let’s face it, may end up becoming the next Hitler or the next Danny Bonaduce. But that’ll be years later. For now, let’s worry about the Batman factor.

After twisting and turning through the twisty, turny tunnels, Batman finally finds a little girl strapped to a chair right behind a cascading waterfall of water main breakage! He recognizes her as Sissy Porter, the girl with the dreadful name! “I’ll have you out in a minute,” Batman reassures the wretched youngin’. “Give you my word on that. My promise. Never break–”

The water creeps up Sissy’s neck while Batman decides to try to lift gigantic boulders of concrete and, do what with them, I don’t know. This is kid is an inch from being submerged while Batman fucks around with these rocks. Whatever he was trying to do, it didn’t work.

“She died.”

lol

I would’ve definitely tried lifting the chair she was strapped to instead. Maybe cut the ropes? Are you fucking shitting me, Batman? You deserve to let this one hang over your head. “I was too weak to save her,” Bruce whines to Alfred. He thought he was going to be such a hero! A superhero, as it were! He did all his homework: found the kidnapper, used detective work to find Sissy, and also 11th grade trigonometry and physics even though it was due yesterday. And yet, he started lifting rocks and the girl drowned. What a fucking dingus of the highest order.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Look, bitch, I’m tired of trying to reassure you every time you fail. You have the memory of a goldfish, sir.

“I suggest you permit me to do something about your garments.” Alfred changes the subject with classic aplomb. “’Filthy’ does not express–”

“No, not until I’ve done what I have to do,” Bruce interrupts. Then he jacks off in his stinky suit.

Nope, Batman has to traipse up to Sissy Porter’s father and give him the bad news. *slicing motion across neck with the “chhhkkkk” sound*

Oh boy, narration. “It is four in the morning when he reaches Randolph Porter’s suburban house, and still raining, he realizes that he has just over an hour before dawn before he loses the darkness that is his ally and protector.” Oh, just fucking jack me off. Batman is such a twerp.

Randolph Porter looks like a complete nerd, ripe for wedgie-ing. He’s wearing a lab coat and is slumped over a desk looking at tiny slides under a lamp. “Well, it is a shame. My daughter certainly had a short life,” he smiles when Batman breaks the news, “but I daresay it was a happy one.”

This guy did it. Look at his face. Look at it. Crack open your copy of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16 and look at this bastard’s face. This guy did it.

“She died alone,” Batman frowns furiously. “In terror and pain.”

“Who knows what awful things would have happened to her if she’d lived, eh?” says Randolph Porter conversationally. Whatever, I guess. So what did the kidnapper want? Money? Jewels? Trinkets? Pornography of VHS of women spitting into other women’s mouths? “These,” Randolph smiles. “A handful of capsules.”

He presents a handful of capsules.

“Are you familiar with the term ‘designer drugs’? Randolph asks the Bat-like Man. Batman makes a face that suggests he doesn’t, probably because this is pre-internet and everyone had to do their research on microfiche. Basically, Dr. Randolph Porter custom makes drugs. Far out, man.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Positively drooling at that tasty little sucker!

“These babies right here,” Porter presents the pile of pills, proud of his work. “If you’d had them tonight at that tunnel, Sissy would still be alive. Go on. Take one.”

Yeah, that’s right. Go suck a dick, Batman, for killing his daughter by proxy. Get addicted to Porter’s pills as retribution.

“Not interested,” Batman eventually claims, obviously interested. He flicks the pill behind him. Suddenly, Batman hears the sound of footsteps ascending the staircase. He ushers Porter out of the room and–

*guns*

Some fuckface in a newsboy cap shoots his way through the door with semi-automatic rifle. “Owwww,” he cries when Batman grabs the dude’s wrist effortlessly. Right in the face this guy gets punched, why not? Randolph Porter is like “oh my”. Batman tells Mr. I Don’t Care Much That My Daughter Died to call the cops while he runs out to find this guy’s partner. Guys like these always have partners!

Batman busts through the window like a real jerk, in the rain no less, and discovers the truck right out front of the house starting to speed away. He does a big, stupid leap from the second floor right on top of the truck, which knocks the breath right out of his letting-a-kid-die lungs. The driver swerves around trying to throw the Bat off the top of the truck, but the guy holds on for dear life. Then the driver does things like do donuts and slam his vehicle into poles. Batman slides off into a puddle and watches the driver peel away. Failed again!

Bruce returns to his giant cobweb-laden abode where Alfred gives him shit for looking like a muddy asshole. Apparently, too, Bruce likes to set his clocks to the exact minute that his parents died. Alfred finds this curious rather than completely asinine like I do. Bruce retires to his cave where he starts deadlifting weights to, you know, make him feel more like a man. He needs to be able to lift 600-lb rocks! Can’t save children without lifting heavy rocks, I always say.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Ow! My lumpy-ass shoulder!

Alfred gives the injured Bruce a once over. Looks like he really, really messed up his shoulder. Go see a doctor. “Later, maybe. Get the car.” Bruce walks away frowning. Alfred really frowns. If I were Alfred I’d quit my job tout suite.

Getting the car they do. Bruce wants to travel to the spot where the truck hit the pole so that he can analyze the removed paint? I don’t know. He scrapes it with a knife and hauls ass back to his cave for paint analysis. Yep, it’s paint all right!

Time to call every body shop in Gotham City to see who uses this paint.

And then give lots of money to any body shop who uses this paint as a bribe to look through their records.

And then call District Attorney Harvey Dent for him to go through his records about any ne’er-do-wells from the body shop records.

One guy has a ding on his permanent record. “Suspicion of kidnapping”. Time to pay this guy a visit!

Then, after a hearty steak and eggs breakfast, we can–

“Master Bruce, it has been been at least ninety-six hours since you slept. Even through your jacket, I can see that your shoulder has swollen to twice its normal size. You are mumbling and barely coherent. I really must insist that you see a doctor and then retire–”

Shut up, Alfred! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Can’t you see that Bruce Wayne needs to AVENGE THE DEATH of some girl who could’ve been the next Danny Bonaduce?! THE WORLD HAS LOST A POSSIBLE NATIONAL TREASURE! He doesn’t care if he won’t sleep for a another ninety-six hours! He’s going to catch the guy who made Batman screw up a rescue mission!

Alfred’s gonna quit if you go through with this, sir.

Bruce Wayne, donned as Batman, ignores Alfred and gets out of the car. Whoops! Called your bluff, Butler Jones.

So this costumed freak scopes out the guy’s apartment or condo or hovel or motel room or whatever you want to call it. He gets right up to the window and says some menacing Bat stuff. Lays it all out on the table.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

And you’ll get me some fucking coffee. And it will be good. And you’ll take off your pants and quack like a duck.

Then Batman climbs through the window ready to pound some man butt. “Hey, man, I got no beef with you,” whines one of the two mopes Batman is trying to intimidate. The other is like “yo I got this” and then starts the fisticuffs. Since Bruce hurt his shoulder trying to deadlift 600 fucking pounds, he has the disadvantage. Especially when one of them whacks it with a lamp! Batman cries so hard here and I’m laughing and laughing…

So this limp-dicked loser gets taken down handily. One of the guys holds Batman while the other guy swings at his jaw, hurting his hand in the process. But the other guy punches Batman right through a window and onto the balcony. I’m fucking dying of laughter here. It’s very funny to see! He whomps on the ground right in front of Alfred. Peak comedy.

These two are about to hop out of the window and give the masked one much more comeuppance, but a man in the shadows tells them to let him go. This shadow man wears a fedora and a sharp suit. “His time has not come yet,” he says ominously.

Speaking of time not coming… sorry, terrible transition. Alfred wakes Bruce up later to tell him some important information about his conversation with the doctor: “I told the physician that you fell from a hot air balloon onto a picnic table full of cheese blintzes. The story is too ludicrous to be disbelieved. I’m sure the good doctor will enjoy relaying it.”

Alfred with the W yet again! I love that guy unconditionally. Bruce gets up and starts putting the Batman suit on again, much to Alfred’s chagrin. “And you should most certainly not be wearing that.” Bruce tells him not to worry, he’s just gonna be a dumbass all over again! Don’t wait up.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Sex.

Batman returns to Mr. Happy-My-Daughter’s-Dead to get some of those sweet, sweet, tasty pills of his, which he is happy to provide. Batman stares at it for a hot minute, then pops that baby right into his supple little mouth. “A month’s supply,” Porter says, proferring an envelope and grinning nefariously. “When these run out, let me know.”

Batman goes home and deadlifts 600 pounds. Now we’re cooking with gas! Time to put this newfound strength and gumption to good use! Batman decides to go to the bar where one of those guys are. You know, one of those guys. One of those guys who threw him out a window. Batman knew exactly where to find him, apparently.

“You weren’t hard to find,” he tells him, confirming my earlier comment. He picks this guy up by the scruff and heaves him onto a table. “Your turn,” he says, turning to the other guy at the bar.

“I c’n take you,” he says, smiling dopily. Batman punches him so hard in the face that there’s a panel that looks like his head exploded right off his body, which gets another lol from me. This guy is thrown through the window, destroying even more property in this establishment.

And then Batman stands there so proud and happy that he belts out a laugh.

It’s where the meme comes from.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #16

Ha.

Final Thoughts

Oh my! Batman’s gonna be addicted to these sinister pep pills and he’s going to start fucking Alfred’s face in a delirium of confusion and extreme horniness!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight is clearly the best of any Batfamily series I’ve come across, which is admittedly a very small number. Still though, it proves that modern doesn’t always mean better. I’m looking at you, New 52. Bleh.


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The Doubts Start Creeping In…

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Lesya

No regerts.

Ohhhhh boy, here it comes! Last time I brought up the uncertainty that was begin to preoccupy my thoughts, but now that we’re into August and my appointment is nine days away, I’m starting to feel the reality of the situation. I’m getting a very large tattoo, I don’t entirely know what it is yet, and it’s going to be a permanent alteration to half my arm forever. This doesn’t seem like a biggest deal, but it is to me. I never commit to anything! And now I’m going to plaster some art on my body like I’m a walking Louvre? What nerve I have, huh?

Some of my worries are very illogical, like “he’s going to nick an important vein and I’m going to bleed to death” or “he’s going to inadvertently draw a huge fucking swastika.” Some of them are more prudent, like “this is going to look stupid when I’m 85 and shriveled up” and “I’m going to have to hide my upper arm from my in-laws for the foreseeable future.” There’s one worry in particular that bugs me the most, and it’s “people are gonna be looking at me.”

I’ve thought about this decision for a long time — years. I’ve hit all the angles: permanence, visibility, initial pain and discomfort, living with the design choice. I’ve come to accept all of it, some components better than others. Some days better than others, even. But only on the very best days do I feel ok about “people are gonna be looking at me.” I hate it when people look at me. My whole vibe is “don’t look at me”, although my wife would argue that my vibe is “don’t look at me… but please do… but please don’t… but do, ok… but don’t.”

When you have tattoos, being looked at is part of the territory. No matter how shitty or good your tattoos are, people are going to either think “that’s shitty” or “that’s good” and there’s nothing you can do about it. So why fret? Why even put any mental energy toward worrying about something as stupid as what Bob down the street is going to think of your right arm art display? If I’m not worried about being judged, then what am I actually worried about?

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Stickers

I could always make my arm look like a Lisa Frank notebook.

Mostly, it’s being talked to, I guess. I’m not gonna wanna talk about my tattoos, ok? Don’t approach me on the street or in a restaurant or on the bus or in the library and go “cool tattoo.” Fuck you. How dare you do something as inconsiderate as force me into a conversation with a total stranger? Boo to that for real. What do you think I’m going to be talking about with you? Our shared love of tattoos? No. Our shared love of art? No. I’m going to cloister myself into my shell of shame until you walk away from me, that’s what I’m going to do.

So, if I have gotten myself to the root of my fears? What can I do it about it? Here are a few simple solutions!

1. Never see another human being again for the rest of my life.
Brilliant in its simplicity. When the final needle of ink is injected my skin come December, I’m going to say toodle-oo to my friends and family just in time for Christmas! December is the perfect time to find a nice cave high in the mountains. I can mingle with various mountain goats and Yetis, bask in the comfort of -40°F weather, and enjoy staring at my tattoo while I die of starvation and exposure.

2. Wear long sleeves for the rest of my life.
Ah, now this is realistic. In order to prevent all the lookie-loos from staring at my arm, I shall wear long-sleeved t-shirts, button-downs, and Snuggies. 110°F Chicago summers? Wool coats and cable knit sweaters. My arm shall never see the light of day, and I will greatly enjoy seeing my tattoo disintegrate under all the heat rash.

3. Get over it.
Yeah, get over it. Nobody cares about this except me. This seems like the most likely option, except I still want to make friends with a nice, strong Yeti.

The next time I update the Chronicles of the Tattoo, I hope to have some cool ink to share while I simultaneously freak the fuck out about my midlife crisis decision and my complete collapse into depression and anxiety. Tally ho!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 18: “To the White Tower”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

The crew of Aes Sedai and their ships cruise down the river toward Tar Valon. Nynaeve is below the deck, seasick as all get-out. Seasick and belligerent. Egwene tells her that she keeps having dreams about Rand and impending Doom, but she doesn’t know the nature of the Doom in question. Unless it’s the computer game, which is still as fucking awesome today as it was 30 years ago! Play it next time you get a chance, it’s way better than The Great Hunt!

What? Where was I? Siuan the Amyrlin strolls on into the cabin to deliver their daily lesson. Perhaps its the seasickness, but Nynaeve is extra ornery and doesn’t want to waste her time doing piddling Aes Sedai magicks. She’d rather use a sword or maybe play basketball. Siuan tells her to sit down and shut the fuck up or else she’ll be mopping floors and washing dishes as a Novice in the White Tower. Cork it.

Siuan then proceeds to channel the One Power to hold Egwene and Nynaeve still, exemplifying that swords cannot counter such as THAT. Nynaeve continues to be obstinate, so Siuan lifts her up into the air and pisses Nynaeve off to the point where she causes Siuan to fly backwards into the cabin wall. Egwene is horrified. Siuan is impressed. Nynaeve thinks she has the upper hand now, but Siuan is able to cut off her One Power channeling. Siuan releases Nynaeve and they continue with their lesson (Aes Sedai fractions and decimals).

Since Nynaeve is a big ol’ butthead, Siuan exploits her tendency to get angry in order to goad her into channeling. Nyaneve’s mood does not improve when Siuan leaves, but at least they made it to Tar Valon, so now they can peruse the city’s exorbitant amount of black market human organs and cans of silly string. Shortly after disembarking the ship, Egwene and Nynaeve are approached by an Aes Sedai named Sheriam. The Master of Novices. She’s like a Master of Puppets except a little less thrashy, though she does have wild red hair.

Egwene is to meet the other novices in the tower. Sheriam tells Nynaeve that the first few weeks on the road to being Accepted really fucking sucks, so have fun with that. See you on the other side, bitch.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #4 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, Gert is able to tame the hidden dinosaur because it was genetically engineered to do so, having been lifted from the 87th dimension from her parents and whatnot. A hologram recording of Gert’s folks, designed to be watched upon their deaths, reveals to her the tome, known as the Abstract, hidden within the basement walls. It needs to be decoded, and the next lead is at Karolina’s house.

While at the Dean residence looking for the magic decoder ring, Karolina rips off a medical bracelet she has been wearing since she was four years old, and then learns she can fly! That’s exciting.

Also, the cops are in on all this. After an unsuccessful attempt by Alex to get the police involved on their side, one Lieutenant Flores calls Mr. Wilder to inform him that they have a problem on their hands. All hell of such as whoops.

Maybe they can get Karolina to fly over Mr. Wilder and dump a bucket of baked beans over his head like it’s Nickelodeon.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [October, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #4

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 4:25am

Mr. Wilder holds an ornate knife behind his back as he enters Alex’s bedroom. “You asleep, pal?” Ha! Mr. Wilder’s name is Geoffrey. Like the Toys R Us giraffe! How simply adorable.

He’s not going to hurt his son, he just wants to convince him that the “sacrifice” that he witnessed was no more than an illusion! And—whoops, he’s not in his bed. He must be traipsing around L.A. with his snotty, rich friends. The bed, instead, has a male mannequin head. Something his mother finds discomforting.

“Alex is somewhere out there, and he knows the truth about us!” Geoffrey panics, but Mrs. Wilder assures him that Alex might not know anything! He might know his way around his own dick, but it seems unlikely that he knows everything about the two of them.

Pffft. Yeah right. “My minion inside the LAPD said that Alex reported a homicide. He mentioned our group by name.” Geoffrey’s getting upset! And if the rest of The Pride finds out about this, they’re going to wring Mr. Geoffrey Wilder’s fat neck with a belt.

THE DEAN RESIDENCE – 4:28am

Karolina flies around her backyard glowing like the alien that she is. “WHEEEEEEEE!” Huge smile on her face. I’m fucking jealous and I see people fly in comic books constantly. Must be the COMING-OF-AGE part of things.

“Stop messing around, Karolina!” Alex yells, clearly jealous. “Someone’s gonna see you!”

Don’t care! Dooonnn’t care! Flying is great! It’s like fuckin’, only with more orgasms! And–

Karolina, not paying attention, slams right into Chase’s butt, knocking him down. He hides his boner while Nico asks her how what flying feels like. I was pretty much right about the fuckin’.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Hang it up, freak. We’ve got police officers to start whacking.

Alex wants her to put the bracelet back on against her wishes. “That bracelet turns off your lightshow. And right now, we can’t have you floating around like an oversized Tinkerbell.”

Bitterly, Karolina puts her bracelet back on. Alex reminds her that she doesn’t know what her parents might be capable of, so they need to stay under the radar. Gert really wants to go get Molly and finally include her in all this. If nothing else, she’s probably safer with them than at her house right now. So who wants to fill her in on the evil parents thing? Not it!

“How are supposed to pretty much abduct Molly in the middle of the night without her freaking out?” Alex tries to think while Chase bugs him about going back to his place first. “I want to see what cool stuff is stashed at my house.”

Alex resists. Chase persists and plays the “we need more clues” card. “My place is on the way to Molly’s. We’ll just check my old man’s workshop for bloody gloves or whatever, and then be on our way… cool?”

Fine. Maybe they’ll find saltpeter to curb Chase’s boner for the flying girl. That’ll be worth it on its own.

Gert suddenly screams. She had this strange feeling that they were all being watched, but Karolina assures her that her parents are gone and that the mansion is paparazzi-proof. MAKE A NOTE OF THIS, IT’S OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT. You can’t go through a mystery story without someone being watched.

The red herring here is that it’s Gert’s escaped velociraptor, who actually is watching them, but I bet there’s something else too. Like Gary Busey just running stark naked through the bushes.

THE STEIN RESIDENCE – 4:55am

Chase points to an old shed in their backyard. “They know I think their work is insanely boring, so it’s probably where they’d hide stuff from me.” While they all deliberate upon how to open the locked shed clandestinely, Chase grabs a shovel and cracks it the fuck open. “You guys think too much.”

The shed is full of mechanical equipment and metal artifacts. “What do your parents do, Chase?” Karolina asks, checking out what appear to be dismantled robot parts. They’re engineers that made a lot of money inventing “that thing that lets you open up new CDs without ripping your fingernails off”. So, what, a plastic wrapper?

The are machines that look like gas chambers. There are incubation tubes with body parts floating in liquid. There are fancy x-ray goggles that allow Chase to see the girls in their underwear.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4

They allow you access to the top of the National Sex Offender Registry list.

“Take those off this instant, young man. You are grounded until graduation.”

Chase’s parents, along with the Minorus, What are they doing here? Look, kids, they don’t have to explain themselves to shit… but they will anyway. The Wilders called everyone to see where his dipshit son went, and they all found out their own kids were missing too. “What are you doing in Mr. Stein’s workshop?” Mrs. Minoru asks, finger pointing at her goth daughter. “Are you making ecstasy?”

Ha! They wish! Some ecstasy sounds really refreshing right now. The Steins are all like FUN’S OVER, BEDWETTERS. Everyone out!

“Or what, Pop?” Chase taunts. “You’ll use some of our scary toys on us?” He holds up a couple of gun-type items that sure look like scary toys to me. “He has the Fistigons,” Mrs. Stein whispers to her husband. “If he figures out how to weaponize them…”

Nope, not today! Mr. Stein presses a couple of buttons on his fancy 2003 Apple Watch prototype thing and blasts his son with yellowish green rays of energy.

“Guys, get ready for Tinkerbell!” Alex rips off Karolina’s bracelet. She goes full-on Tinkerbell.

“Dammit!” Mr. Minoru grunts, shielding his eyes. “They know about the Dean girl!”

“We know about everything, Mr. Minoru,” Alex says like a complete doofus. “We… we know who you people really are.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that, child,” says Mrs. Minoru as all four adults get geared up.

Then they bust out the big guns.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Have a drink, children! BWAAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mr. Minoru hits Karolina with a geyser. Mr. Stein shoots some sort of sticky green Spider-Man goo at Alex to pin him against a chamber. Mrs. Minoru tries to keep her daughter at bay with a Donatello bō staff. The staff gets sucked into her body, which alarms her mother. The Staff of One! That’s not supposed to happen to the Staff of One! Oh god, the Staff of One! Nooooo!! The Staff of One!

Then Nico smashes the side of her face with a robot head. Mr. Minoru is understandably less than pleased at his daughter’s insolence! He’ll take care of her while Mr. Stein takes care of Gert. She’s huddled in the corner begging for help, and she gets in the form of a genetically engineered, telepathic velociraptor buddy! Hooray! Mr. Minoru tries to kill it, but Nico bats his book of spells out of his hand.

Karolina comes crashing back down from her geyser ride and forces her incandescent energy to one finger, zapping Minoru and incapacitating him. “It worked! Is… is he all right?” I hope not. That guy makes Nico eat her vegetables.

While Karolina fingers Alex off the wall, Gert instructs her dinosaur buddy to not kill the Steins. Only maul them for a bit.

Alex grabs the unconscious Chase while Nico sadly tears at her knocked-out parents. “I’m sorry, Nico, but we have to let them go. We need to take care of each other now, okay?” He holds her by the shoulders and maintains a nice erection buffer distance.

With Chase out of commission, it’s up to Karolina to try driving them to the hospital so that the doctors can try extracting the Staff of One from her body. I guess.

SAN BERNARDINO FREEWAY – 5:31am

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Beep beep! Out of my way, I’m a motorist!

Chase slowly comes to in the backseat, which he’s sharing with Alex, Gert, and Gert’s bigger-than-a-van sized dinosaur buddy. “I don’t know what you remember, Chase, but your father assaulted you,” Alex tells him pointedly, like a he didn’t already get punched in the face 10 hours ago. “I probably had it coming,” he responds, clearly the product of abuse. Hilarious abuse! But seriously, if you are or a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse, then please call the hotline at–

Sorry! I got distracted! The issue ends with the Yorkes’ and the Hayes’ hovering over Molly’s bed while she sleeps soundly in a nightcap like she’s motherfuckin’ Geppetto. Gert’s phone rings…

“Gertrude? Your father and I are very disappointed in you. You have to stop playing these games… or I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to do something terrible to your young friend Molly.”

Final Thoughts

ABLAHAB! BALHABAAB!! MOLLY, WAKE UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!! BHLUHBALABAUH!! And so forth.


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