Fray, Issue #8 – “Chapter Eight: All Hell”

* Part 8 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #8 – “Chapter Eight: All Hell”! We’ve reached the end of this fantastic miniseries! I hope everything works out well for all parties involved! In the previous installment, Melaka Frays gears up for battle and finds out there are many who are willing to fight the good fight alongside, including the folks from the warren AND the police! Even the police! Those guys hate doing anything, so that really must mean something.

Harth has awoken a whole army of vampires and demons from the dead, and they outnumber Fray’s people about 1,000 to 1. Not only that, but Harth himself swoops into town on a giant demon dinosaur. The all-knowing Urkonn realizes that the Gateway is in the dinosaur’s womb, and it’s ready to give birth to a dimension full of demons! The time for the evil ones to return to Earth is nigh!

Then Melaka gets eaten by the dinosaur. The end.

Fray, Issue #8 [August, 2002]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Eight: All Hell”

Fray, Issue #8

“I’m just one girl. No big hero, no protector of justice, not even a bonafide one-hundred-percent Slayer.”

Fray catches us all up on the goings-on of the debacle that is the Rage Against the Lurks. She struggles to keep from being swallowed by the dinosaur, and its breath smells like Ed Sheeran’s hair so she’s struggling not to breathe in. Its saliva is burning her clothes. With effort, she grips her axe and plunges it hard through the roof of the creature’s mouth, up into the brain.

Erin looks on in horror while Broder radios in. He needs her to make a call quickly before the fire-breathing dinosaur fries the warren to a crispy crisp. Erin’s catatonic with fear. Harth rides the beast like he’s on a surfboard.

Urkonn is ripping Lurks to shreds while his mind reels. “The Slayer is gone,” he thinks. “The Gateway is opening. Hell’s own womb will disgorge the horde. And they will eat this Earth.”

Sounds pretty dramatic, Urkel. Chill. Smoke this blunt. Settle down.

Meanwhile, Harth and Erin have a little family reunion.

Fray, Issue #8

No, not the spiked cleats! Have mercy!

Harth stomps Erin’s face with so much force that I’m surprised she’s not fucking dead. “It’s so right that you’re here. That you should die here with Mel, the whole family together…”

Loo’s parents are becoming overwhelmed by the vampires. They’re planning on murder/suiciding their way out of this, which is exactly how I got out of jury duty last year! The suicide part, not the murder part.

“I loved the way you blamed Mel for my death. The way you shut her out. Was it rocketship, watching her bleed for your love…” Harth is now gripping her throat, tossing out tubular slang like “rocketship”. “How did watching her die feel? Big rush? Little rush? One to ten.”

I’m beginning to think this Harth guy ain’t no good at all! I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he’s at two strikes now. He doesn’t want to know what happens when we get to Strike Three.

Suddenly, there’s a giant “HHHRRAAARGH!!” The dinosaur flails and slams its head into a few of the taller buildings. Then, like the alien bursting out of that guy’s chest, Fray bursts right out of this reptilian fucker’s eyeball. Splorch, etc. “Hey guys,” she says, covered in orange goo. The dinosaur crashes to the ground as people leap out of the way. Erin lands on her head and gets knocked out cold.

“Melaka… you think this is over?” Harth doesn’t look particularly happy that his dinosaur buddy just ate it. “You closed the Gateway. Saved the warren. Maybe even all of Haddyn. Maybe the world. You’ll never guess what’s coming next.

And yeah, neither did I.

Fray, Issue #8

Ahhh, good old fashioned twincest. Totally rocketship. Jaime and Cersei would be proud.

The baffled Melaka Fray watches as her brother dashes off into an alley, disappearing among the shadows. The dinosaur creature having been successfully subdued, Broder calls in for med teams to help the injured. Head trauma Erin gets whisked away in a flying ambulance. Loo’s parents didn’t kill themselves after all. Not at all an unsettling end to the battle, that’s for sure.

“He’ll not be able to draw force like this again,” Urkonn says of Harth. “Not for years at best. It’s over.”

“No it’s not,” Fray responds. There’s still some unfinished Gunther business to attend to. (with Gunther)

*intermission*

*Doublemint gum commercial where the twins kiss*

“Melahhhka, please, be sssensible,” Gunther hisses while Fray threatens the glass floor with her axe. He swears that he had no idea who Fray was grabbing for, honest to the sea monster god. “When I found out who they were buying for, and why they asked for you… I tried to warn you!”

Fray finds this funny. She doesn’t remember any warnings. “That’s why I paid you sssooo handsomely, so you would know something was wrong.” Again, flimsy. “You turned me into the Laws,” she spits back. “To keep you ssssafe!” Gunther responds. Flimsy, flimsy, flimsy.

This ain’t even about Harth. Ain’t about Erin. It ain’t even about Melaka. It’s about Loo. “Little girl. Friend of mine. She was killed. That’s gotta be answered for.”

And it’s not Gunther. It’s not even Ed Sheeran and his stinky hair. Someone else was responsible for this little girl’s death. Someone else caused this to happen.

“You did.” Fray turns her head, eyeballing the culprit. “Vampires can’t come in unless you ask ‘em. I sure as hell never did. And they didn’t feed.”

Urkonn looks shifty.

Fray surmises that training wasn’t going well. That Vrill and Boluz needed to be reassured that the Chosen One was going to be able to rise into action when the time came. “So you snapped a five-year-old’s neck ‘cause, hey, you’re a demon, right? What’s one small human life, we got a war coming! Am I right?”

Urkonn looks shifty.

…

“We would have lost,” he responds simply.

Well, that’s hunky dory! Thank you for explaining yourself, good sir, and – what in tarnation?! Wait a dagnabbed minute! That reason sucks!

Fray, Issue #8

There aren’t very good panels in this issue. Have this one.

This wasn’t the only thing Fray figured out. She also noticed that Urkonn never gave her a hand every time she was thrown into the river. He didn’t follow Icarus when he dove into the water. Hell, he didn’t even want to go through the sewers, a direct beeline to Harth’s Vampire HQ. “You’re a powerful demon, I know. A great warrior. Could snap me in two. Someone gave you orders to. Could pull apart any living man…”

“…but I don’t think you can swim.”

HOTCHA! With all her might, Fray breaks her axe through the glass under Urkonn’s hoofy feet. She drops in and drags him with her down through Gunther’s corridor to the other side of the glass case. They crash through into the next room, with Gunther following suit all flip-floppin’ and gasping for air.

“He was a good teacher. Even a friend. For a friend, I make it quick.”

SHHHNK. Pointy stick right through the head. Bye bye, Urkel. Then Fray picks Gunther up and throws him back into what’s left of the water in the tank. “Vixen,” he rasps. “Mammal. I hate you.” But he can’t do anything about it, can he? Fray’s the best grabber he’s got! Watch this grab! *grabs his junk*

Elsewhere, Urkonn’s bosses have a little pow-wow:

“She lives,” says Boluz. “She wins for us, closes the Gateway, but she lives.”

“As does her brother,” Vrill agrees, “danger to us in many configurations.”

“Urkonn will be unremembered. Stricken from our warrior’s books for his failure to end her.”

“As usual, you fixate on the unimportant. The girl. We have to watch the girl. For a while she will be busied… rebuilding.”

The folk of the warren clean up the mess.

Erin wakes up in the hospital next to a sleeping Melaka.

“She may even continue her old life. But she has found a new one. And as long as she heeds its call… they’ll be watching.”

“The demons, Harth… things I don’t even know about yet. They’ll all be waiting,” Fray thinks, closing up the story! “Waiting for me to fall.”

“So come on, guys. I’m just one girl. No big hero, no protector of justice, not even a bonafide one-hundred-percent Slayer. So what are you waiting for?”

“Take me on. Hurt my world.”

*burp*

“I dare you.”

Final Thoughts

Kind of anticlimactic, no? Melaka busts through the lizard’s eyeball, the beast dies, and Harth runs away into the shadows like a little bitch (after kissing his sister)? And the threat is neutralized for years to come?

Urkonn killing the girl was a surprise. I’m glad he got got, yo.

And so ends the beginning of my long, long Buffyverse project. Stay tuned, much more is on the way.


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Book I: Vader (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Book I: Vader storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Book I: Vader (Part 1)”!

This is the companion series to Marvel’s Star Wars comic series! Both introduce the reader to the wonderful world of canon Star Wars comics. While the other one is about Star Wars, this one is about Darth Vader! Take notes, there will be a quiz.

As a quick recap of the first Star Wars comic series storyline, Luke Skywalker had blown up the Death Star recently. Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie, and the droids blow up the largest weapons factory in the galaxy, which puts the Empire hot on their heels. Luke fucks back off to Tatooine after getting some Jedi-related discouragement while Han and Leia outrun Imperial officers and attempt to find a new planet for their Rebel base.

In the end, Luke fights Boba Fett and wins, somehow. He discovers a journal of Ben Kenobi. Han and Leia end up on a pretty nice-ass planet, but Sana Solo, Han’s wife, shows up to give him the business.

Will any of this tie into this series? Probably not. But at least you’ve been thoroughly enriched with knowledge!

(no)

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [April, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 1)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Classic intimidating Vader pose! Lightsaber parallel to the floor. Left foot atop a makeshift stump. Consider me thoroughly awed.

ANYWAY, the introductory splash page informs me that the Death Star was destroyed by pesky members of the Rebel Alliance! The Death Star! The ultimate peacekeeping force! NOOOOOO!! Ha, that’s an Episode III reference! Anyway, Emperor Palpatine is Palpa-FURIOUS and Darth Vader must pay the price. And our story begins…

Vader is on Tatooine with the two suns and all. He approaches what looks like a smattering a ruins guarded by a couple of those guard pig-type piggy creatures. Vader slices them up with his big, red, glowing sword and keeps going.

He approaches one of those creatures with the pink, fleshy tail that curves from their heads to under their chinny chin chins. “I will speak with the Hutt,” Vader says in that booming James Earl Jones voice that we all know and love. Jabba awaits!

The Fat One is sleeping. He sleeps until he is informed that his new arrival “butchered the guards”. Jabba lifts this guy up and eats him. That’ll learn him to be the bearer of bad news. Keep this lesson in mind, kids.

“You arrive a day early, kill two of my guards and expect me to deal with you,” Mr. Slug says, drooling and snorfing. Vader stands there all puffed out and like “LOOK AT ME, I’M THE BOSS!” and states that if Jabba doesn’t grant him the audience he deserves, it’ll be more than just two he’ll be slaughtering today. Eep!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1

HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HIKE!

So Jabba dismisses the peons and asks Vader what he can do for the Empire today. Perhaps a pittance? A big smile and a hug? “Not the Empire. For me,” Vader states pointedly. So a hug it is! A nice, big, squelchy, stinky, Hutt Hug. The best kind.

Vader will return to Huttville on the morrow. He WILL get what he wants. Capisce? Vader tries one of those useless Jedi mind trick hand waves, but Jabba informs the ignorant one that such illusions are no match for the great Hutt slug brains!

How dare you mention Jedi in front of the Dark One? The Jedi are long dead. Fuck ‘em.

“Do you know the bounty the Rebels have for that head of yours?” Jabba asks, changing the subject gracefully. “If you disappeared, no one would ever know…” he continues, hand inching toward that button that sends cocksuckers to the pit-of-gettin’-eaten.

Vader steps back from the trap door.

The two of them continue to exchange lack-of-pleasantries until, finally, Jabba has had enough and commands him men to start shooting harmful lasers! They do. Vader blocks them all. This takes six pages.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Zip zoom zippity zap. Blam blam blam blam a-zip zoom bippity boom.

In the end, only Jabba and Vader are left standing. Well… Vader is standing. Jabba continues sitting in his own poop.

“You called me a Jedi,” Vader sulks in that trademark Anakin Skywalker whine. “You know nothing. Mind tricks are not of the dark side.”

Yeah yeah, dark side this, dark side that. The only dark side Jabba likes is the one of the moon. Pink Floyd, baby. “MONAAAYYY! IT’S A GAS!”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Jabba concedes, finally chuffed enough to keep this moving along. “It is difficult not to respect that.” And, finally Vader is satisfied.

THE END

But wait, there’s more!

ONE DAY EARLIER – THE IMPERIAL PALACE, CORUSCANT

Vader bows down before Emperor Shithead and tries to explain the whole thing about Rebels blowing up the Cymoon 1 weapons factory thing. “The Rebels were posing as the envoy, and used it to infiltrate the moon. They tortured the Overseer into revealing the base’s codes, they attempted destroying the core reactor.”

Attempted = Succeeded

Palpatine makes a dumb white-face kinda face. What of the Overseer, then? Abbadeen, is it? He’s strapped to a machine, unconscious and all fucked up! That’ll learn him to be the bearer of bad tidings.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1

The dictionary defines “failure” as “the failure to succeed”. The dictionary defines “success” as the “the successful subversion of the failure to succeed”. Write this down, it’s important.

OK, so the Overseer won’t fail again. That much is certain. But what about you, Darth Vader, you hapless little weasel you? Vader is speechless at this question. “We kept the skeleton of the Republic for nearly twenty years while the Death Star was constructed. Twenty years, my apprentice,” Palpatine scolds. “All that planning is now a layer of dust orbiting around Yavin…”

Yeah, but, uh, bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu-

Palpatine goes on and on about how fucked this whole situation is. All those years in the Galactic Toilet.

“You tagged the Rebel ship with a homing beacon then let the Rebels escape with the Death Star plans. DELIBERATELY.”

“I take responsibility for my actions,” Vader responds, pulling out an old chestnut from the Barely-Apologize Handbook. And then he tries to blame others too, but Palpatine ain’t having THAT. No sir. It’s Vader who will get the ol’ stake up the butthole for this one! “You, an isolated survivor of the greatest military disaster in all my Empire’s history? Oh, you are truly the chosen one, Vader. Chosen to be the one responsible.”

Oh snippity snap, dogg. Vader’s going to have to eat his own butt unless he redeems himself forthwith.

Vader offers to crush the Rebels. Palpatine counteroffers a shut-the-fuck-up. “You think yourself so clever, but have proved yourself a blunt instrument, far better to be wielded than to wield…”

Anyway, make another Death Star! Seacrest out.

Oh yeah, and you have to talk to Jabba the Hutt about something, too. Anything will do. He likes chatting. Make sure he sends an agent to the Core Worlds, otherwise they’ll need scope out the Outer Rim. For what? Who cares! I’m barely paying attention! You have two days. Or three, or whatever! Four? No, two. Two it is. And guess what? Palpatine doesn’t care if you “don’t wanna do it”. Sometimes you gotta talk to the Hutts, you know what I mean? “Besides, Lord Vader…” Palpatine says snakily, “a trip to Tatooine? I’m sure it will be sentimental…”

Some dude arrives looking like a Terminator T-1000 with the robot eye. “Who is this, Master?” Vader asks, feeling a strong case of FOMO. Vader doesn’t get to know, which pisses him off a tad.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Certainly not! Here are my dick and balls, at your service.

Palpatine is about ready to smack this twerp in the face. Do you really think you’re in a position to ask questions and expect answers??? Go fuck your whole self, sir. Now then, if there’s nothing else to report, kindly get your ruddy little ass to Tatooine before Palpatine grabs his ol’ hickory stick. Shoo.

Before Vader gets his ruddy little ass to Tatooine, he goes over all the details that he should report. Like, he killed Obi-Wan Kenobi. He knows who destroyed the Death Star. The kid who destroyed the Death Star happens to have his – Vader’s — Anakin’s — lightsaber. All this fun plot-forwarding stuff! But no, Vader keeps it to himself…

…and he leaves…

… *burp* …

Time to go to Tatooine, then. One day later, they arrive upon the shithole with the two really hot suns hanging in the sky. Vader stands, back turned to a man approaching.

“You’re the client,” says the mysterious man. Or woman. Let’s not be cunting sexist.

“I am. And you’re the best Jabba has. Are you bounty hunters up to the challenge,” Vader asks.

“Give us the mission. You’ll see.”

It’s Boba Fett and some really fucked-up looking Wookiee.

There’s this kid named Luke Skywalker, except he doesn’t know his name is Luke Skywalker yet. Go find him, please. He’s on some hunk of junk called the Millennium Falcon. He looks like this: *takes off black helmet to show a fatherly egg face* And please take him alive.

And that’s basically it. Who wants breakfast?

Final Thoughts

I’ll have eggs and bacon and toast with those little packets of jelly. And coffee and hash browns and pancakes and sausage.

Why do they give you so much goddamned breakfast at these restaurants? No wonder I’m morbidly obese.


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The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Tagline:
We accept the love we think we deserve.

Wide Release Date:
September 21, 2012

Directed by:
Stephen Chbosky
Screenplay by:
Stephen Chbosky
Based on the Novel by:
Stephen Chbosky
Produced by:
Lianne Halfon, Russell Smith, John Malkovich

Starring:
Logan Lerman
Emma Watson
Ezra Miller
Mae Whitman
Kate Walsh
Dylan McDermott
Joan Cusack
Paul Rudd

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I don’t know much about this movie. Based on a book from 1999, the film must have been pretty hyped when it came out because I remember hearing this name everywhere. I had assumed it was some feelgood piece of trash. It wasn’t until later that I realized that the hype was almost certainly around Emma Watson in a starring role separate from the Harry Potter franchise.

I’m going into this expecting a poignant coming-of-age story that will make me feel a slurry of emotions once I’m finished watching it, and I don’t find anything at all wrong with that. I’m also expecting a great performance by Emma Watson slightly tainted by a barely passable American accent. I’ll be keeping a close ear on that one.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Oi, guv’nor! Oi’m from Ameh-ica!

THE 450(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Logan Lerman, who has one of the worst names I’ve ever heard, plays clinically depressed teenager Charlie Kelmeckis. The year is 1991, Charlie has just been discharged from a mental health facility, and, even though Lerman was 20 years old at this time, he’s playing a kid about to enter his freshman year of high school! He’s a little loser, getting picked on and making no friends except Paul Rudd, his Paul Rudd-like English teacher. He keeps having flashbacks of his Aunt Helen and her death on his 7th birthday.

After witnessing high school senior, and known social pariah, Patrick (Ezra Miller) hamming it up during shop class, Charlie decides that he might have a kindred spirit on his hands. He chats him up during a football, where he also meets Patrick’s half-sister Sam (Emma Watson). They get friendly, they go to homecoming, Charlie gets invited to a party where he eats weed brownies and his inhibitions melt away. Charlie officially joins Patrick and Sam’s social circle with welcome arms. There’s a part where the kids listen to David Bowie’s “Heroes” while driving and Sam stands up through the sunroof. There’s also a part where Charlie catches Patrick and the high school quarterback, Brad, making out. Charlie is cool with it and promises to keep it a secret.

Going forward, there are a lot of coming-of-age vignettes, both touching and sad. Charlie helps Sam study for the SATs. Charlie has never been kissed, so she kisses him. Charlie fills in for Sam’s boyfriend at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Charlie enters a relationship with a member of the social circle, Mary Elizabeth (Mae Whitman), which is almost entirely one-sided. During a game of Truth or Dare, Charlie kisses Sam when dared to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, which alienates him from the group for a while. Brad gets his ass kicked by his dad after he was caught having sex with Patrick, which causes Brad and his friends to lash out at Patrick (and Charlie saves the day). Patrick is all fucked up from this and, in a moment of poor thinking, decides to kiss Charlie. Charlie doesn’t get upset at this, but Patrick feels awful about it and apologizes. Charlie is eventually forgiven for the Truth or Dare incident and everyone makes up. Sam and Charlie make out in her bedroom; they essentially fall in love.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

They probably had to redo this scene 100 times just to make sure there wasn’t a single hint of disgust on Charlie’s face.

Once the summer is over and Sam goes away to college, Charlie falls back into a deep depression. He calls his sister and says some very alarming things to her. She calls the police, he’s whisked away to the hospital. There he learns that his Aunt Helen had sexually abused him. That right there is a lot to parse.

Later, feeling better, Sam visits from college and they take another drive while playing David Bowie’s “Heroes”. Charlie has never felt more alive.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — The Perks of Being Accepted

I’ll admit that back in my high school days when I actually wanted friends (I’m only kind of exaggerating), seeing this movie would’ve probably changed my life for what would be, in retrospect, unrealistic expectations of teenage friendship. At least unrealistic for what I actually want. On paper, I love the idea of all these nerdy, uninhibited high school kids having the time of their lives with little self-consciousness and fear of ridicule. In practice, I do not possess to the ability to be entirely confident and outgoing. That’s why I have this blog.

What this movie romanticizes, and what teenage me would have romanticized, is the idea of going all-in on literally anything. I would have killed or died or kill THEN die to be that way. I would have loved a group of new friends help me get out of my shell. While the Rocky Horror Picture Show was nowhere near my interests, I loved seeing this kid care enough about a friend to help out. I mean, what wouldn’t you do for love, I suppose? Hell, I wish I could say I would’ve handled the Patrick kiss situation with as much decency and poise as Charlie did. At 13, I would’ve flipped the fuck out for a laundry list of reasons.

However, upon review, Charlie goes GREAT LENGTHS to fit into his social circle. He’s clearly a people pleaser. This is the part the resonated with me so heavily, because this is exactly the way I am. Had I run into a similar situation, I probably would have done anything to be accepted. You don’t really get the sense that this had happened in the movie, since Charlie seemed legitimately interested in being involved, but I could be wrong. The kid was depressed and he was alienated, and even though his disposition wasn’t frantic or off-putting, I suspect that he did a lot of stuff that he wasn’t entirely into.

As an added factual statement, the kid was in love with Hermione Granger. Who, of a similar age, wasn’t in love with Hermione Granger? I certainly was. I would’ve dressed in drag too just to get a kiss from her.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Wingardium Leviosa, indeed!

TOPIC 2 — I Liked This Movie a Lot

The aforementioned part about how this movie would’ve changed my life as a teenager, that part is true. This is exactly what I want from my coming-of-age movies: realistic character interactions involving young kids palling around, bittersweet and not over-the-top humor, characters not always being complete dicks to one another, and a warm plot. I like feeling good at the end. I like feeling like something very important happened. And I’m willing to accept unrealistic sappiness (like standing up in a truck as you go through a tunnel while listening to “Heroes”) as long as I’m already invested.

I wonder if, among those who like The Perks of Being a Wallflower different people identify with different characters. Most people will identify with Charlie, a lot will identify with Patrick, but are there people who really identify with Sam? Does she have enough depth besides “trying to get into college” or “love interest”? What about Paul Rudd? Are there any major nerd teachers who get off on identifying with Paul Rudd?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Right back at ya, Paul.

I definitely see myself as a Charlie, and I wouldn’t even mind going with the flow. That’s the kind of person I am anyway. I’m a people-pleaser to a fault, baby. You want to go the Rocky Horror Picture Show? I don’t give a shit. Let’s go. You want get decapitated standing up in a truck as you go through a tunnel? I’ll be your guest. You’re a dude who wants to kiss me? I’ll try not to make it awkward.

Anyway, I liked this movie a lot. I’ll have to rewatch in someday when I’m 50 years old and creepy.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

In Entertainment Weekly, Emma Watson reported that she took the role because Stephen Chbosky told her that “Not only is this going to be one of the most important parts you play, you’re also going to have the summer of your life and meet some of your best friends.” She also reported that the claim came true.
This is obviously a complete fuck you to Harry Potter. Stephen Chbosky hates Harry Potter so much that he recruits Emma Watson for his movie, tells her it’s more important than Hermione, that it’s going to be more memorable than her role as Hermione, and that she’s going to meet better friends than Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint. And she’s like “of course that’s all correct”. Who could blame her?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Finally, Christmas presents NOT from Harry and Ron.

Ezra Miller did their initial audition for the film over Skype, and they were so charismatic in the interview, that they were cast within five hours of the audition.
Right away, Ezra Miller seemed to me like an infinitely more interesting Adam Driver. That Adam Driver is more famous than Ezra Miller is an atrocity akin to when Pol Pot had thousands of babies smashed against a tree. Then again, their arrest record is pretty large, so, lmao, never mind.

In an interview with LAYouth.com, Stephen Chbosky said that he wrote the book for personal reasons, but reading the book’s customer reviews on Amazon.com made him realize that many people related to it.
You sometimes read about these writers who write a universal critically acclaimed story about anxiety, depression, coming-of-age, friendship, and love, and they’re like “I DIDN’T KNOW OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WOULD KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” Do these people live in the world?

John Hughes originally bought the film rights with the intention to write and direct. He intended to make the film as a dark comedy with Shia LaBeouf set to play Charlie, Kirsten Dunst slated to play Sam, and Patrick Fugit cast as Patrick. Hughes’s sudden death stalled the project, as he’d not completed a script before his passing. This allowed the film to be revived, as an independent movie, with Stephen Chbosky returning to write and direct.
Thank God. Can you imagine that disaster? When Shia LaBeouf wasn’t busy smacking Kirsten Dunst around, he would be drinking flagons of moonshine and pelting Patrick Fugit with food from craft services.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Happy birthday, Mr. President!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

While The Perks of Being a Wallflower checked all my boxes, I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone. It’s a little bit obnoxious and hipster-y if you’re not an obnoxious hipster like me, but if you’re reading this and are in high school (yeah right) then I would heartily recommend it. I was already 25 when this came out, so it’s unfortunately past my time. THERE’S STILL HOPE FOR YOU.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 17: “Choices”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Selene has been talking about “Portal Stones” and how they must use one to escape the swarm of grolm. Rand’s got it, though, and, in succession, and using saidin, pierces the eyes of five grolm rendering them, as I see it, and adding as many commas as I can into this sentence, very dead. Hurin, Loial, and Selene are like “omg wow”, but then a huge swarm of grolm (always in italics) approaches. Shit’s gonna get dire, and Rand doesn’t have a trillion arrows to work with. What is he, some sort of video game character? Please.

So, Rand agrees to try to use the Portal Stone even though he’s a whiny baby about channeling the One Power too much. This time, he has a beautiful lady to try to impress, so that makes a difference. He taps into that delicious, rich, and tasty saidin (always in italics) and the environment flickers for a bit until they are back in their vivid, not-weird world. He doesn’t know what he did or how he did it, but Rand did it, and everyone is thoroughly impressed! *golf clap*

Next they need to find Fain, so Hurin recalibrates his sniffin’ nose. Selene speaks of other worlds where one can sense where violence is going to be instead of where violence already occurred, which freaks out Hurin something terrible. The few times that Selene really compliments Rand, he thinks about kissing her. He holds back every time though, because that would be ridiculous and uncouth besides.

The chapter ends with them setting out to find Padan Fain, and hopefully catch up Ingtar and his Poopypants Bunch.


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Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Rules of Engagement storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”! In the previous installment of this shithole storyline, nothing happens except Batman infiltrates Lex’s robot army base. That’s it. The whole issue you bought with your hard-earned $2.99 had very little anything going on and you could finish it in seven seconds.

On to the finale, then I’m moving on to bigger and better things! Maybe! DC has been disappointing almost all across the board! Gotta read Archie instead.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [August, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 6)”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

“MAN VS. MACHINES”! That’s not exciting at all. Men have been fighting robots since the Middle Ages, it’s a real snooze of a trope at this point.

Lex is not happy that Batman is very much not dead. And also in the base. And also ready to win by the end of the issue. Lex’s tan suit is the worst thing I’ve seen since Barack Obama’s tan suit! “Mechanized infantry reported an intruder in the main bay… three seconds later, we lost contact,” reports Lex’s current second-in-command, whoever he might be. Who cares, he’s going to probably die soon anyway. Alone, forgotten, and violently.

“God, I hate superheroes,” Lex grimaces, whining like a child.

Batman is traipsing along the air ducts. “Emergency lockdown protocol,” Lex demands, face craggy with lines and shadows, looking stupid and constipated. “Release nerve agent into the shafts.”

Whoops, nope! Security systems down! Main power down! Black Hawk Down! Third down! Hut hut hike!

Auxilary power kicks in. Since Batman seems to be fucking shit up in the generator room, they should send 100% of their units to the generator room so that they can twist Batman’s nipples and–

NO! STUPID STUPID STUPID! BATMAN IS MAKING FOOLS OF US ALL!

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

If I see one cunt hair wafting through the door, I will murder the entire population of Omaha!

Lex orders the units to the room, and they make an IMPENETRABLE PERIMETER of robot guards! “Now, if we’re done with the theatrics…” Lex smirks, “I was in the middle of seizing control of the United States of America.”

Bzzt! Wrong! Batman is already in the room, sir. I see him in the corner mooning us with his big white butt. There’s absolutely no explanation why he was able to just magically bypass everything and anything and then show up in the room ready to pound Luthor’s face with his genitalia, but here we are. “Clayton. Draw your sidearm and shoot this man in the face,” Lex commands Clayton. Clayton, with the sidearm.

“Leave it in the holster,” Batman commands Clayton, who doesn’t take orders from Batman. I really don’t know what’s stopping Clayton from just shooting Batman in the face. Batman has no backup. Clayton looks terrified. It’s truly a mystery for the ages.

Clayton decides to listen to Lex, but a batarang right into the hand makes the decision for him. Like, it goes an inch deep into his hand. It’s going to get infected and he’s going to die! That shit ain’t cool at all.

Next Lex commands the robots to “tear him apart”, but that doesn’t work very well either. There are about ninteen pages of the robots attempting to “tear him apart”, and I glazed over during most of it, but in the end Batman reigns supreme. As usual. Except for the part at the very end when a robot sneaks up behind Batman and lifts him up by the neck! I hope it squeezes the life out of him.

“You just walked into a room full of war machines that could rip your head off as a easily as popping a champagne cork,” Lex says smugly, hands in his fucking pockets. “What did you hope to achieve? Did you honestly think you could win this fight…?”

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

I had a plan all along, I swear. You can tell because of the namedropped an ancient Roman courtier!

Batman is like “not today” and initiates a sequence that causes all the robots to start murdering themselves. And they do. “Damn…” says Lex. This does suck! Very worthy of a muttered “damn”.

“I underestimated you,” Lex glares, showing off his striking overbite.

“You underestimated yourself,” Batman responds. “I used your own virus against you – with a few minor adjustments. You programmed my machines to kill. I programmed yours to kill themselves.”

Whoop-de-doo, bitch. Here’s a medal.

Lex Luthor is like “OK, THE JIG IS UP! TIME FOR ME TO GO!” then he explodes. lol.

“A– a robot…? Luthor was a robot…?” Batman gibbers. This is a really stupid story, by the way. Have I mentioned that yet? “A puppet, remote-operated by a neural relay system…” he growls. “…designed by Waynetech.”

Cut to Lex Luthor nudely removing himself from one of those tanks that can control robots from a remote-operated neural relay system. “Oh well… back to the drawing board.”

Th-th-th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

Ain’t I a stinker?

Batman meets up with Jimmy Jam James Gordon up on the rooftop. Apparently, Lex Luthor’s alibi is that he was staying at a hair loss clinic in the Swiss Alps this whole time! Pah! And witnesses to prove it? Double pah! Pah pah!

So what of Senator Crabtree who was framed for whore murder? They’re dropping the charges. Seems as though Crabtree didn’t murder this particular whore! Now, even though he had no ties whatsoever to the prostitute and her baby… eh, he adopted her for some reason. Batman grits his teeth so hard at this that there’s no way he didn’t chip about seventeen of them. “Is that so…”

Everything is wrapped up in a nice, neat, little package! Time to throw a party! Bruce Wayne has cordially invited all his most perfumed, oily guests for a special black tie charity event. He’s on a makeshift stage at a dais talking about good and evil and how good is good and how evil is evil.

“In recent weeks, we’ve all had to look evil in the eye… it’s been right here, inescapable – in our cities, our streets, our homes… arising from the belief that might makes right.”

Bruce’s guests look drunk as fuck.

“But if might makes right, does weakness make wrong? Are the weak unworthy of our care and protection? Of course not. It’s the duty of the mighty to protect the weak. To defend the defenseless.”

Speaking like a true liberal hippie treehugger. Lex has the right idea! Machine gun them all down for profit, dummies.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #6

…just as soon as this woman stops sucking my dick under the podium.

Long story short, WayneTech is withdrawing from the defense sector! Protect the weak, my hiney! Instead, have the Wayne Foundation. Throw your money toward orphans and delinquent youngins instead.

And now here’s the newly appointed chairman of the, what was it now? I already forgot… Wayne Foundation. Pffft. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. Anyway, it’s Senator “Scruff McGruff” Crabtree.

Hurf durf huff fluff huffity duff.

God bless Batman and god bless Bruce Wayne and good day bye.

Final Thoughts

*jerks off forever*

Listen. This was perhaps the most disposable Batman story I’ve ever read. DC has let me down again!

Looks like I’m going to need to start jumping straight to critically acclaimed series and stories instead of hitting what sounds interesting. What works for Marvel doesn’t work for DC, it seems. DC has a lot of catching up to do to maintain my interest, and that’s saying a lot considering Captain America is the worst superhero on the planet by a long shot.


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