All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

* Part 5 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #10! In the previous installment, Mystique busts some lady named Lady Mastermind out of a lady prison. Or just a regular prison with also ladies in it. They’re going to tear up shit for fun, because Mystique is literally just like “I have no agenda, and if mutants have to die then so be it, but I’m looking to get absolutely, shitty rich.” People like her are the most dangerous!

Kitty Pryde is trying to train the youngins, but they REALLY suck at trying to fight and win any battle in the Danger Room. Pryde gets very nervous when she learns that Young Scott had quite an extended conversation with Mystique, but she doesn’t get to holler much about that before Old Cyclops and his Team of Ruffians show up to the school to do something. I don’t know what yet, but this issue wraps up the storyline so I’m guessing the ending will be left completely ambiguous in order to get you to keep reading Marvel comics.

And it’s working! Fuck you, Marvel.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [June, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

If I had a nickel for every weird crotch shot I see on a comic book’s cover art, I’d have enough nickels to put in a sack and beat someone over the head with it. Such a weird action shot decision.

In Charlotte, North Carolina, an armored car driver is making small talk with an armed guard. “What’s with all the extra security?” he asks, since there are about 80,000 other armed guards walking around. “Big transfer today,” responds a businesswoman with a clipboard.

IMMEDIATELY, and I do mean immediately, the fuckin’ X-Men come barreling in like “RAAAWWWRRR”, blasting these guys, fucking their shit up royally, causing an obnoxious ruckus. Lots of fire and smoke. It turns out to actually be Mystique and the Gang, intercepting the transfer of $18,000,000. “But if we’re going to do this right, we’re gonna need a hell of a lot more,” says the prisoner that Fake Maria Hill took from Ryker’s Island. I don’t know his name. Jim Bob Jones? They continue doing bank crimes and getting away with it. I won’t let you get away with this! *shakes fist until arm falls off*

At the Jean Grey School of Prostitution Tactics, Wolverine scowls while looking out the window. A bunch of students are like “oh boy, do we get to see a fight?!” and Wolverine is like “stfu, brats”.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Don’t be such an insecure little dingus, Scottie. You might grow up to be a complete failure!

“I’m not here to fight,” says Genocidal Scott Summers. “We’re not here to fight anyone. Especially not fellow mutants. We are here to clear the air as best I can and make you an offer.”

Wacko looney tunes. What nerve of this guy, showing his ugly, dumb face ‘round these parts and trying to smooth things over. Making nice? Showing diplomacy? Working together for a common solution? Where does this asshole think he gets the cahones??

“If it involves you standing trial for the murder of Charles Xavier,” Iceman says of Cyclops’ proposal, “we accept.” Ah yes, I forgot about the whole thing about killing Professor Xavier. That’s gonna be a tough one to bounce back from. Cyclops tries to deflect, insisting that perhaps what they saw with their own eyeballs wasn’t what actually happened (says the guy with NO eyeballs). “Do you think that I set out to murder a man who raised me?”

Yes! Yes! A trillion times yes, you manipulative shithead! You swamp devil! You gutter snake! You trash heap of a sewer face of a man, you! Get over here and gimme a kiss.

“You think that, in control of myself, I murdered this man? If you think that I murdered Charles Xavier of my own free will… then here I am. Kill me here. I couldn’t live with the thought that any of you even think that is who I am.”

The non-genocide X-Men stare down at the genocide X-Men. Then, out of nowhere, Krakoa the Lawn Beast (?) erupts from the grounds and eats these guys up! Cyclops, Emma Frost, Magento, Magik, they all become a tasty treat! Then Wolverine gives it the ol’ intimidation spiel and the beast spits them all out again. Comic relief, I guess? My sides are hurting from laughing so hard, guys.

In short, no, no one wants to hear what Cyclops has to say. As usual. Even when he wasn’t a maniac, no one wanted to listen to him!

“What do you want?” pipes in Young Scott once the fracas has died down.

“We’ve opened a school,” Cyclops answers.

“We’re accepting applicants now,” Frost adds.

“Even from time-displaced original X-Men who are probably destroying the fabric of time and space by behind here,” Magik chimes in.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble!

They try to sell this school through fear. New mutants are popping up, and with that will come a fresh wave of hatred and bigotry, and then violent attacks, from the common people. Rise up and fight back!

*crickets*

“Everyone here has a choice,” Scott continues while every stares at him like he’s a giant pile of cum. “Stay here and know that we, as your fellow mutants, will protect this school from all comers. With everything we have. But the new Xavier school is where you will train to fight and fight back hard.”

Yeah, I’m fighting back hard all right. Fighting back something real hard, if you catch my drift (it’s my penis, I’m talking about my penis). Cyclops continues talking, and I don’t know why. It’s clearly not working. He probably has a nasally voice, too. Just an unpleasant timbre. He tries guilt. He tries flattery. It’s sad, it’s really sad.

Oh look, he’s still talking.

“Since we were kids…” Cyclops pokes Beast in the chest. “We fight with EVERYTHING we have. And I say we remember that and take this HUGE second chance our people have been given and fight for our right for ALL of us to live in this world because if we don’t… who will?”

*crickets*

Cyclops then turns to his younger comerades and, although it’s great to see them all well and good and (in some cases) (points to Jean Grey) alive, they should really get the fuck out of here and go back from whence they came.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Read the room, Cyclops. These prepubescent, scowly-faced rapscallions are looking at you like you’re a giant pile of cum.

“Ask your friend Hank McCoy here how the Phoenix ended up in us in the first place.”

Eep. Big guns are coming out now. “Anyone who is ready to come with us… we will be back later to take you to your new life. Think about it. That’s all I ask.”

Oh thank god, he’s done talking! The Genocide Baddies disappear in a blue flame and Wolverine snarls and growls, as usual. “What did that mean?” Young Scott asks around the group. “What about the Phoenix?”

That? Oh, Tony Stark fucked up.

“And the Phoenix drove me crazy and then I killed Xavier?”

Look, snot nose, this doesn’t concern you! Sorta. I–

“That’s different than what you told me.” Young Cyclops turns to Beast now, who backpedals and insists that, no, it’s not different. Total gaslight move, Blue One. How’s this 12-year-old going to trust anyone anymore. He might start thinking about killing normies.

So Beast and Young Cyclops fight for a bit before Young Cyclpos storms off petulantly. With the scene over, Wolverine hollers at his students to return to class.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #10

As you can see there… she has most of our men strapped down A Clockwork Orange-style to make them watch full seasons of Two and a Half Men. It’s a fate worse than death, ma’am.

At Ryker’s Island, the real Maria Hill shows up go a bit of “what da hell is goin’ on derr” while the guards are like “TAKE HER DOWN, MEN! FILL HER FULL OF BULLETS! FUCK THIS LADY!”

After they do the special, magical eyescan to determine that it’s really her, she angrily asks for some ANSWERS. Here are the ANSWERS, ma’am: Mystique showed up looking like you and had some henchmen and they busted Lady Marmalade… er… Mastermind… out of the brig. Hill is shown a corridor loaded with body bags. The one they call Sabretooth, he’s the one who killed a bunch of officers.

Long story short, they’re all gonna be boned for a while.

Later, Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde have a pow-wow in the Xavier’s old office while the rest of staff and kids ambles around looking at books or striking awkward poses. “I couldn’t read their minds,” Grey says, feeling like a failure. As if Magneto doesn’t have super Magento powers that block psychic abilities, no doy.

Anyway, where can they find these creeps? Where is the New Xavier School of Woodworking and French Cooking? “I must say,” Grey adds, “Scott Summers seems genuinely disappointed in all of you as you are with him.” Who cares what Scott Daffodil Summers thinks? Just so long as he doesn’t scoop up any students, he can think anything he wants to think. He can think about banging a 12-year-old Jean Grey for all anyone cares! Gross! That’s a federal crime dude, don’t think about doing that you horrible degenerate.

Well, the Stepford Cuckoos are probably going to leave since they were tagging along with Emma anyway (and readers of Uncanny X-Men will already know that they do, indeed, go). “Oh well, no more creepy crazy identical triplet stares,” says Old Iceman. What a loss!

Wolverine points out that, under normal circumstances, this would be the perfect opportunity to send someone undercover. But there’s no such thing as normal circumstances in the X-Men world, so never mind. Pryde concedes that if any students want to leave, that’s their prerogative. Can’t force kids to stay, I guess, even though the whole X-Men credo seems to be “forcing kids to stay since they’re mutants that need to leave society”! That pesky chestnut.

Table this topic for now, because Maria Hill is calling on the hologram phone! “X-People, you wouldn’t happen to know where Raven Darkholme is? She’s not on staff there or anything?”

‘Cause… you see… um…

Well, she just busted someone very dangerous out of prison, and now she’s doing very dangerous things with other dangerous bad guys! They have wasted no time doing generally bad things across the whole country, such as stealing a lot of money and smoking cigarettes right next to no-smoking signs! “We have a lot of dead civilians and S.H.I.E.L.D. agents which means that we have a real problem.” Dead civilians I can understand, but dead cops? The world is better off!

And guess what, freaks? She wanted Captain America first, but she doesn’t know where he is right now! So the mutants are the backup plan. How’s that for confidence?

Here’s the only info they have. That little Cyclops bastard said a lot of things to Mystique. He’s the one you want. Hang him up to dry! Let him pee his diaper for a while, teach him a lesson.

Speak of the devil, he has wandered back out to the front yard of the school grounds. The Bad X-Men appear in a large, blue bubble. Radioing in from afar. “You’re still here?” Old Scott seems a teensy incredulous. “Why don’t you go home? I mean, back to your time.”

It’s because they all opted to stay. If going back in time means Jean Grey dies and Xavier dies, then they might as well stay in the present and try to fix what hasn’t happened yet. Old Cyclops thinks this is dumb as dirt. At any rate, they have returned to collect their new recruits? Step forward, all ye who want to cross into the dark side!

The Stepford Cuckoos do. They’ve already done this! They’re doing it again!

Who else? Nobody? OK, well, they have parting gifts. Everyone grab a little baggie and–

“I’m coming with you,” pipes in an unknown voice.

“No,” says Young Scott.

“Oh no,” says Kitty Pryde.

“You — you can’t do this!” says Wolverine.

“WHO WILL JOIN THE UNCANNY X-MEN? FIND OUT NEXT ISSUE!”

Final Thoughts

It’s Young Angel. Duh.


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Fray, Issue #4 – “Chapter Four: Out of the Past”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #4 – “Chapter Four: Out of the Past”! In the previous installment, Fray starts training with Urkonn where she learns some of the basics of slaying (such as “kill the vampires”) as well the history of Slayers. There has always been one Slayer running around until it’s the next one’s turn. As long as there have been demons, there have been Slayers. Funny thing, though, the last Slayer banished all the mean demons to another dimension hundreds of years ago. No mean demons means no need for Slaying, so Fray is the first Slayer in generations. This means the mean demons seem to be coming back.

Some vamp named Icarus appears to be the Big Bad. He catches wind of Fray through Gunther, who alerts him of Urkonn’s presence when Fray drops off another grab. He has shown up to tear her a new B-hole, and that’s where we are now! Let the B-hole tearing commence.

Fray, Issue #4 [October, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Four: Out of the Past”

Fray, Issue #4

Back to the Harth/Melaka flashback. They’re on the roof, with Harth having just almost died via Falling onto the Street Syndrome. They’re face-to-face with Icarus the Mean. “Don’t be frightened, little ones… It’ll only hurt for a minute.”

Aw hell no, son! Ain’t no vampire gonna be bitey today, dagnabbit! You better g– oh, the flashback is over.

Present day Fray looks more scared than I have ever seen her before, and I’ve seen three whole issues of her so far! That’s a lifetime of friendship! She stares at this motherfucker like she’s going to get hella killed and there’s no way out. “Don’t you remember your old friend?” Icarus snarls at her, as if they actually were old friends and she betrayed him by pretending she didn’t know who he was when the cool kids showed up.

“Remember you?” she thinks. “I’ve met you ten thousand times. I’ve killed you a hundred ways. In a rage, cool as ice, giggling like a schoolgirl…”

Is this perhaps referencing all the dreams that she denied having? Oh Melaka Francine Jefferson Starship Fray, you cold-blooded liar. Crying wolf never got anyone anywhere.

Icarus picks her up by the back of the head and throws her to the pavement.

The flashback continues…

Fray starts trying to kick Icarus’ tight little ass. She yells at Harth, tells him to get the heck out of there! But he remains frozen to his spot. Tears in his eyes. Fray starts getting scratched up a little bit, thrown this way and that. “Goddamnit, Harth, run!” she yells, bleeding on the rooftop.

Harth doesn’t run. Icarus approaches him. “You’re strong girl, but you’re out of your depth. Thanks for dropping off my dinner, though.” Icarus nearly shoves her off the side of the roof, but she hangs on.

There’s no good panel of Harth getting his neck all chewed up. This is the best I can do:

Fray, Issue #4

Mmm-hmmm. Tastes like nerd.

Of course, Fray is powerless to stop her boyfriend (or maybe her accountant) from getting his jugular vein tenderized. She topples backwards over the edge and down toward the street.

Back to the present. “Melaka, I’m disappointed. I thought you were a fighter,” Icarus frowns.

While the brawl still continues in the bar, Loo wonders where Melaka went. She runs out to the street where Melaka continues getting her ass kicked. I mean, really kicked. She’s losing like crazy here. “Monster man! Ugly monster man! Hey, hey!” she yells, trying to get Urkonn’s attention. Meanwhile, Icarus is RELISHING the beating he’s handing to Melaka Fray.

The vampire is about bite the ever-loving crap out of her neck, but at the very last second Urkonn leaps out of the bar and tackles this jerkbag right to the ground. “Go Monster-Face,” Loo bounces up and down, cheerleading him on. Fray is all banged up.

Icarus knows he has been bested. He looks to Fray sheepishly. “’Nother time then,” he says before Urkonn pushes him into the river with a SPLOOSH.

Flashback to Melaka in the hospital following her fall from the roof. The doctor discusses with Erin Fray her sister’s rapid healing. “The first scans showed spinal damage, but they must have glitched…”

Hatch was Erin and Melaka’s brother. Did I know that? “You were grabbing,” Erin says, arms folded. “You took him on a grab and you got our brother killed.” Then she walks out of the room.

In the present, Melaka implores Urkonn to finish the job and kill this gray vampire piece of scummy dirty scum. “No,” he responds simply. It’s unclear why! Oh well.

Fray, Issue #4

Icarus, you’re out of your league! You’re curtains, kid! You make me sick!

“We need her,” says a voice to Icarus after he complains loudly about Urkonn beating him up and throwing him around like a little ragdoll. “Without her, none of this means anything.”

Icarus is lost.

Urkonn is speaking to some similar in-the-sky entities. Two large faces in the clouds are all like “ARE YOU QUESTIONING US?!” To which Urkonn replies something to the effect of “of course not, sirs, this Fray girl just seems very un-Slayerlike, is all.”

“Our enemy must be stopped,” says Head #1, who is not happy to hear anything about the Slayer being a scaredy-cat about the otherworldly. “If she is incapable…”

These two heads are named Vrill and Boluz, and they fight like an old married couple. Boluz wants to give Fray the benefit of the doubt, but Vrill wants to find someone who can handle the job! Is Lara Croft available? “I’m talking about the One Who Will Lead,” Vrill insists. “That is the threat. And she must be used to stop it before havoc is unleashed on all our worlds.”

Vrill is going to give Fray a chance, but if won’t work out then they’ll have to kill her to prepare a brand new Slayer. And that shit takes time, yo.

…

“I will make her ready,” Urkonn concedes, proverbial hat in hand. “She will fight.”

Fray, Issue #4

Hey, this is a pretty good idea! I gotta try this next time I’m between two buildings.

Fray is glad the pummeling is over. She washes up under a pipe flowing with what I hope is clean water. Whoever lives in that part of the building is getting a fantastic view of her nethers. “I could run,” she thinks, clearly scraping the bottom of the idea barrel. She’s got enough sil, she can make a break for it and live at Disney World. And never look back. “A place where demons and vampires don’t come looking for me every time I–”

She catches Urkonn staring up at her. She puts on a towel. “I thought you’d be gone,” they both say to each other. He thought she gave up. She thought the same. He notices that she’s not even limping. She puts on a shirt. “I heal fast. And I wanna go to work.”

“And being beaten senseless by a single vampire? This is your work?” Urkonn has quite a tone here! An unnecessarily mocking tone! “I got a history with that freak,” Fray tells him. “It threw me. Won’t happen twice.”

See to it that it doesn’t, you old bag of grapes. Urkonn is curious about their history, but Fray glowers at him as if it were none of his ugly business. Then she tells him anyway.

“Was he… younger? Your brother?”

“Older. By about twenty minutes.”

Ah, twinsies. This revelation is such a surprise, even Urkonn slightly changes his resting grimace face into an active grimace face! Was Harth strong? Fuck no! “Harth couldn’t open a jar of pickles.”

This Icarus cat, Fray wonders how he knew her name back then. “I remember every moment of that day on account of it being the worst of my life. But him… just another kill, and that was four years ago. He knew me. He knew me and he came looking for me.”

“Then the word is out. That you are the Slayer.” Urkonn rests his face back down to a simmering grimace! Word is out all right, and Fray’s going to the one “person” who may know what the herr is going on derr.

Fray, Issue #4

Lurks, man. Shifty, thieving Lurks. Griftin’ Lurks. You know what they say about Lurks right? Give a Lurk an inch and they’ll take a mile, those Lurks.

So Fray visits Gunther, who keeps making “WHO? MOI??” faces. “Oh come on, Gunther. There’s not a rat in this city you don’t know its hole. I do for you, you’re not gonna help me out this once?” She grabs. Grabs better than anyone! Boy, does she do the good grabs, sir. Cough up some info or her grabbin’ days for you are over, Gunther old boy.

“Melaka… My sweeeet… I am really sorry.”

BZZZZZACK!

Fray gets zapped, but not by Gunther. Her dear sister Erin’s got her futuristic cop gun out. “Melaka Fray… you’re under arrest.”

Well isn’t this a fuzzy, friendly family reunion. Erin henchmen drag her out of Gunther’s lair and across the street. Erin leads the way. “Get her in and bolted. She wakes up, you won’t be able to hold her.”

Well, they’re not going to have to worry about any of that. Descending from the sky, like goddamn paratroopers, are a gaggle of Lurks! They’re all like “SNARL! GRR!” as they brandish knives and land right on the faceless henchmen. Cops. Filthy, stinkin’ cops. They deserving every shanking they get. They drop Melaka face down on the pavement. The big one, Icarus’ buddy, he’s got Erin. Before he has a chance to take some mouthfuls of her fragile neck, Melaka grabs his ponytail and slams his face down into the cement with all her might. “GET OFF HER!”

Melaka makes sure Erin is ok, but that was a mistake. Big Bald Vamp exploits her temporary distraction and smashes her head with a sizeable piece of metal.

KRACK! Out.

…

“Fray. Wake up, girl.” It’s Icarus. Fray slowly regains consciousness, dazed and confused. Like that movie with a rapey Matthey McConaughey! “See, Master? Delivered as promised. And not even dead.”

Yes, very good. Master is quite pleased. You can tell because his speech balloons are nice and blue. “Hello, Mel.”

She looks around and sees something shocking. “Miss me?” says the Master.

It’s motherfucking Harth. T-shirt and glasses and it’s motherfucking Harth.

Fray looks like this —-> 😮

Final Thoughts

Yes, Harth became a vampire. Yes, he’s a bad guy now. Yes, he’s going to use his twin charm against her. Yes, Fray is going to feel hella conflicted. Yes, those are my Pizza Rolls ready in the oven. See you next time!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 6: “Dark Prophecy”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Ugh, a dream sequence! Every time I have to read a dream sequence I’m going to bitch about having to read a dream sequence. They’re never good. They’re always bad. I’m not even going to describe the dream. There’s dancing evil people and his friends dancing and cackling and saying evil things. Rand is a pussy.

Rand was sleeping in Egwene’s room and they most definitely did not bone. There’s no boning in Wheel of Time. Egwene’s not there, though, but Nynaeve is sitting there knitting in a rocking chair like a 250-year-old woman. When Rand asks where Egwene is, Nynaeve tells him that she’s visiting Fain Padan in his jail cell. She does that a lot for reasons that are completely beyond my understanding. Maybe so she can throw rocks at him?

The subject goes to Ba’alzamon, and Rand really fucks up by name dropping “Shai’tan” (which is like “Satan”, only Robert Jordan really took a creative leap with his own take on it). Nynaeve is like “now you’ve gone and done it”, but Rand tells her to lighten up since the devil’s dead. He’s dead and not coming back. Suddenly, alarm bells go off and Rand runs out of the room against Nynaeve’s wishes. Lacking etiquette, he barrels through hallways of women with a sword on his person. Very taboo in the land of Fal Dara!

Down the hallway, Rand runs into some bad guys! A few Trollocs and a goddamned Fade! Remember Fades? They’re like Myrddraals except Fadier. Ingtar, the Fal Dara knight or whatever, shows up and offers to make short work of these creeps. Rand continues running toward the jail, where he finds the disembodied heads of two guards sitting on a table, with the following written in blood on the door (and yes, it IS in all caps!): “WE WILL MEET AGAIN ON TOMAN HEAD. IT IS NEVER OVER, AL’THOR”

Spooky!

Liandrin the Red Ajah Cunt pops in and, thinking Rand is about to blow up the town with an atomic bomb or something, tries to choke the breath right out of him Magic Style. Moiraine shows up to stop it, which allows Rand to check on Fain’s cell. He gone. Egwene and Mat are lying on the floor unconscious, but breathing. Mat’s dagger is gone, and he looks worse for wear. Ingtar shows up to report that the Horn of Valere is now missing, which is the most bumbling of all occurrences thus far!

We end with Rand bumping into Lan, who tells him that the lockdown orders have been lifted and his possessions have been returned to his quarters. Rand is free to leave if he wants to! Time for a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast!


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Sucky Funnies for July 9, 2023

We’re in the dog days of summer, ladies and gentlemen. The sun is hot and the ice cream is cold and the sidewalk is hot and my ice cream is now melting…

But cheer up, everyone! I have three more shitty comics to vaguely make fun of before I move on with my day! I’m ordering pizza later.

Garfield

Garfield - July 9, 2023

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Yo, Garfield! *mic drop*

I think it speaks volumes of the current state of the 45-year-old Garfield comic strip that they are desperately trying to appeal to the hip-hop youth of today.  In this case, Garfield is wearing a backwards hat, chains, shorts, and an unmistakable scowl representing a dissatisfied and disaffected generation. Welcome to 1988.

I barely even read the actual strip. Who cares? Those donuts look terrible.

Frank and Ernest

Frank and Ernest - July 9, 2023

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They say that as a couple gets older they start looking more and more like each other! Frank and Ernest even buy their hats at the same store!

I understand the deep philosophical question that today’s Frank and Ernest puts forth. You can’t get there from here, because once you’re there you’re actually here again. What I don’t understand is why writer and illustrator Tom Thaves constantly decides that such serious subject matter can be considered grounds for uproarious laughter. I’m not impressed! Give me that old hag Mary Worth any day.

Mutts

Mutts - July 9, 2023

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Someone fucking shmurder these dogs with a shAK-47.


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Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the Rebels fight the Empire for a bit in the Cymoon 1 weapons factory and then the Rebels get away!

That’s it.

Oh, Vader seems impressed with Luke Skywalker for reasons that aren’t readily apparent to anybody. He wants to deal with the kid himself. Maybe smooch him on the lips like Tom Brady does with his son.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [May, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 3)”

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Look at Luke on the cover, plowing through stormtroopers like anyone on Earth really thinks he’s a badass. Luke ain’t shit.

Oh look, he’s still plowing through stormtroopers in the first couple panels of the comic! If you bought this based on the cover art, then congratulations. It lives up to what it advertises.

Princess Leia has just shot down a TIE fighter from their cockpit of the AT-AT walker, which Han Solo barely compliments. They’re heading to the junkyard where they will most assuredly find the Millennium Falcon in a million pieces. And C-3PO’s head screwed onto his butt. Han Solo thinks this robot is useless. I agree.

Speak of the devil, C-3PO continues to be carted off by one of those tentacle-faced scavengers. He doesn’t seem to be too alarmed, saying things like “oh dear” and “oh my”. He’s lucky that Chewbacca showed up to save the day, shooting his big guns in the right directions. Han Solo is pleased that someone other than C-3PO is around to actually, possibly, maybe, get the Millennium Falcon back up in the air. Meanwhile, Han drives the Imperial walker right into an army of scout walkers and assault tanks. “Remind me to never attack another weapons factory,” he quips. Adorable.

Luke is speeding along on his *checks pages upon pages of Star Wars notes, character charts, timelines, and battle strategies* speeder bike trying to catch up with his chums. A couple of stormtroopers are riding their own *checks books upon books of Star Wars monster manuals, star charts, planetary alliances, and sexy metal slavery fashion accessories* speeder bikes trying to catch up with Luke.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Stupid kid whips out his shiny light sword every chance he gets. Which he didn’t earn, by the way.

Leia realizes that the factory personnel must have been able to stop the meltdown sequence since, you know, nothing ended up getting all explode-y. Han grumbles about this, feeling like he made it all this way to Cymoon 1 for nothing! Maybe if he has time he still can visit some of its lovely, polluted mud-and-sludge beaches!

Among all this action-packed tomfoolery, Darth Vader slowly ambles around some wreckage. Overseer Aggadeen is happy to report that the factory isn’t going to get all explode-y, which Vader takes as a given. What, do you want a pat on the back Overseer Fuckface? Bring all the troops you can to this location, the Rebels are getting away!

Vader whips out his own shiny light sword, the red one to symbolize evilness, and starts slashing the Imperial walker frantically like he’s trying to kill a fly, melting pieces off of it. Meanwhile, Chewie needs about *checks sundial* 30 hours to fix the Millennium Falcon in order to adequately take it into the air.

Good thing Luke is there to SAVE THE DAY like an asshole. Eventually. Right now, Leia and Han are pessimistic about their ability to stay alive for a few more minutes while Vader continues trying to topple the walker. “How many times do we have to kill that guy before he actually dies?” Han quips. Adorable.

Han and Leia look at each other preparing to smooch each other’s faces off before Vader gives the final blow that sends the walker to the ground. “Move in for the kill,” he tells himself in his most intimidating James Earl Jones-like voice.

Luke flies in to SAVE THE DAY. Like an asshole. Han appears to be seven kinds of unconscious while Leia, a tiny woman, hefts him up with one arm and blasts bitches with the other. Leia urges Luke to give it up and follow them, but Luke is steadfast in his resolve (aka dumb) and wants to straight up murder some more Imperial officers.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3

So help me God, Luke, you’re going to get such a noogie.

Stormtroopers alert Vader that one of the Rebels is headed back to the factory, but since Vader wants to deal with Luke himself, he’s all like “I’m gonna deal with this one myself” and heads over to deal with Luke himself. And before you know it, Vader is chasing Luke down in one of those vehicles that shoots people. You know, every vehicle in Star Wars.

Overseer Aggadeen congratulates his men on a job well done averting catastrophe about six seconds before Luke whips through on his speeder bike and shoots the core, overloading the system and making the room turn red again. Aggadeen has the most sad-sack look on his face, but he’s going to die soon so we shouldn’t feel sorry for him.

Vader blasts Luke successfully, which makes Luke cry. “I’m sorry, Father. Sorry I’ll never be the Jedi you were,” he whines, closing his eyes. Ain’t no shame in that. You can flip burgers at Tatooine’s only Burger King, son.

Something explodes. Vader thinks he has won, but he gets a glimpse of the Millennium Falcon lifting up and taking off. Chewie just needs to get the hyperdrive working so they can hyperdrive their way to hyperspace and then hyper-get-the-fuck-away. Star Destroyers follow, ready to blow up the ship! But they ain’t getting blowed up today, nosiree. Ain’t no one gettin’ blown.

Han is too injured to control the ship, so Leia takes over. Leia prays that the hyperdrive works, and it does! See, praying does work after all! Thoughts and prayers!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Barely conscious and less mouthy, that’s what really melts her butter.

Vader is now informed that the Star Destroyers have lost their target. Hyperspace and all that. The bane of the Empire’s existence. This is Vader’s response: “HGGGHK… GGGHKK… ARRRRRGGGHHHKKK…” lol

He talks to the air. “The boy. The boy is your last great hope, isn’t he, Obi-Wan? He is what you died to protect. He may be strong in the Force, but he is untrained. And who is there left to train him now? No one but me.”

Well snap. This guy is going to try to get another disciple for the dark side. You know how all these guys just love the dark side…

Inexplicably, Luke had made it to the Millennium Falcon. He slumps sadly against a wall while Leia smiles and asks if he’s ok. Does he look ok?? He’s never going to be a true Jedi! Dreams are dashed! The mean guy with the black helmet is proof of that!

*frown*

We end with a couple of aliens flying their ship across the Dune Sea where they intend to drop off a body in a casket. Just a dead Rodian, what’s so special about this one that needs a special transport, eh?

This Kenobi guy must be a real hot shot of he gets a special body dumped in front of his house, huh? Weird, but hey. These two aliens are just performing their duty and whatnot! Think nothing of it!

The dropped off casket has letters engraved in an alien language. Translated: “For Luke”

Final Thoughts

I hope it’s Obi-Wan’s hilariously rotting corpse. And Luke has to eat it to gain his Jedi powers. This is all canon, by the way! I want Luke to eat Kenobi’s corpse, please.


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