(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Tagline:
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love.

Wide Release Date:
August 7, 2009

Directed by:
Marc Webb
Written by:
Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
Produced by:
Mason Novick, Jessica Tuchinsky, Mark Waters, Steven J. Wolfe

Starring:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Zooey Deschanel

500 Days of Summer

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I saw this in college shortly after it was released to DVD. The hype around it was pretty high, and I was expecting a very poignant relationship story. And I got one, although I have the capacity to appreciate it way more now than I did then.

I remembered Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character being a whiny crybaby through most of the family. I also had a huuuuge thing for Zooey Deschanel, because who didn’t, and this is the perfect role for her: the subverted Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Because we the people were tired of her actually being one again.

THE 400(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is Tom and, like all Toms, he’s a handsome go-getter! He works as a writer at a greeting card company, which sounds like the life. Here, I can do it too: “You are the wind beneath my wings.”

Zooey Deschanel is Summer (hey, that’s in the title!) and, like all Summers… uh… she’s hot? She works as Tom’s boss’ new assistant.

Tom catches Summer’s eye at work one day and tries to make some subtle moves, eventually getting her attention with their shared taste in music. They start talking and spending a little time together. During karaoke night at a bar, Tom’s stage presence illuminates something within Summer. She kisses Tom the next day the copy machine.

(500) Days of Summer

Tommy!… Tom-areeno!… Makin’ copies!… The Tomster!

Summer lays down the rules! Casual only! Tom agrees! They fuck! Guess who’s starting to fall in love?!

The story is told in a non-linear fashion, bouncing between the earlier days where things are great and the later days when things start turning to shit. A lot of the problem can be boiled down to this: Summer asked for something casual. Tom agreed. Tom starts reneging on the contract. Summer’s feelings day-to-day are mostly inconsistent. Eventually, Summer breaks it off congenially, but Tom is devastated for months. He spends a lot of effort trying to win her back and expecting the best at each turn, but she wants to remain friends.

Tom and Summer separately attend a wedding and have a good time with each other, which boosts Tom’s spirits yet again. Reality is crapped right onto Tom’s face when Summer invites him to a party and he sees Summer showing a friend an engagement ring. After another few days of crippling depression, Tom hoists himself up, quits his greeting card job, and starts to pursue his passion with architect work.

Tom and Summer meet up one last time. He’s starting to do better, she’s happy he’s starting to do better, he gets to ask his nagging questions, she answers them, he gets to tell her that he’s glad she’s happy.

(500) Days of Summer

Look Tom… I think we should see a bunch of other people.

Later, at a BIG ARCHITECTURAL FIRM job interview, Tom meets a woman who is vying for the same job. Grabbing life by the horns, he asks her out for some coffee after the interview is over. She is played by Minka Kelly. Her name is Autumn.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — What the Fuck Is Summer’s Problem?

I’ll start with the male point of view. I am indeed a male, after all. Not me, of course, but A typical man will ask why Summer isn’t giving it up to a nice guy like Tom. After all, Tom’s a nice guy, right! He deserves to have Summer and she doesn’t get a say in it! There are even a few times where Tom says something to the effect of “it’s all about what you want, isn’t it?” or “I SAY WE’RE A COUPLE!”

From the male point of view, Summer is jerking Tom around. She’s cold and heartless to be playing with emotions like that. To an extent, maybe, but the real issue here is Tom projecting his ideal relationship onto her. You can find hundreds of similar opinions on the internet, so I’m not going to belabor this point.

(500) Days of Summer

Reality ain’t too shabby, honestly.

TOPIC 2 — What the Fuck Is Tom’s Problem?

But I’d like to go into more detail about that point, especially since I recall Tom being way more emotionally abusive, needy, and clingy during my first watch over ten years ago. I’m relieved that he wasn’t, but this movie still makes a good point: that movies aren’t real. Tom even makes this point during his quitting rant. Movies lead you to believe things that don’t happen in reality. That’s the perfect moral of this story. So believe this movie! Love stories set up unreal expectations of relationship dynamics. Absolute truth.

BUT, and holy hell people, Summer isn’t a saint at all in this either. She doesn’t get to come out of this scot free, because life doesn’t work that way. No black or white, no all or nothing, and the truth is that Summer did accidentally play with Tom’s feelings. She isn’t naïve and she isn’t stupid. Even though she sets the table at the beginning with “nothing serious”, Tom re-sets the table in the middle of the movie. The scene after Tom punches the douchebag out in the bar and Summer is upset with him, he now makes it crystal clear what he wants: he wants a serious relationship. He tells her this, and they continue in spite of this revelation. This is the point where Summer should have broken it off. Once it was out on the table, she had one thing to do.

I just wanted to throw that out there. Tom’s the bigger shithead, I’m not defending that. I’m just giving him credit where credit is due.

(500) Days of Summer

See what I mean? Look at this shithead.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

According to the DVD commentary, one of the film’s writers estimates that 75% of the film actually happened to him.
THE TRUTH COMES OUT. This is all just one big “I’m a crybaby!” movie, then, isn’t it? Oh wait, there’s more…

Jenny Beckman, the girl who is mentioned at the beginning of the movie, was a real girl who dumped one of the screenwriters, Scott Neustadter. Summer is based on this girl, and the script of the movie on their relationship.
I had the pleasure of Googling this Scott Neustadter guy, and let me tell you, he looks exactly like one of those NICE GUYS who will fly off the handle if a lady doesn’t wethump his dick at the end of the night. Smug-face Joseph Gordon-Levitt was a perfect casting decision! Kudos, creep.

Around the time of the movie’s release, director Marc Webb shot a short video for the Internet, which featured Zooey Deschanel as Sid Vicious and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Nancy Spungen, in reference to a conversation in this movie.
Now this Marc Webb guy, this guy gets it. I looked up the video, and they just pretty much threw a mop on top of Joseph Gorden-Levitt’s head. He didn’t even shave. Deschanel makes an attractive Sid Vicious!

In the original screenplay, Summer was depicted as having cropped blonde hair to construct a more summer-like persona.
Right? Nothing about Zooey Deschanel is very summery. She looks like dead-of-Winter with her pale skin, coming out into the sunlight twice a month to forage for snowberries. Snowberries are a thing, right?

(500) Days of Summer

“This art display exudes the late Baroque era of artistic expression. Namely, the ‘pile of shit’ movement.”

Ian Reed Kesler, who gets in a fight with Joseph Gordon-Levitt at the bar, is credited as “an actual douche.”
Gotta give it up for this one. The guy at the bar looked like David Boreanaz from SEAL Team and Summer was wrong for getting mad at Tom for punching him right in the face.

They say it took sixty casting calls to find the right person to look like more of a douche than Gordon-Levitt! Who these “they” are who said this, I’ll have to get back to you on that.

There is a fan theory that the final conversation between Tom and Summer on the park bench was all imagined by Tom and did not really happen. Even Joseph Gordon-Levitt has said he believes this is more a scene of Tom’s coming to inner peace than actual reality. If that is accurate, then Day 408 (at Summer’s house party when he learns of her engagement) is the last time Tom ever sees Summer.
This is a pretty good one, and deserves some extra commentary. The scene involves the two meeting up again at Tom’s “favorite spot”, which is a place that Summer says she now visits often. He gets the air some grievances at her, which she takes in stride. He gets to hear her admit that she might have been wrong about not believing in fate. He gets to tell her that he genuinely hopes she’s happy. They get to say goodbye.

The impact of all this would be much greater if it was all in Tom’s head, 100%. Having Summer showing her engagement ring to someone at a party be the literal last moment Tom ever sees her again is perfect and brilliant. I’m on board with this theory too, and I’m glad that while it may not have been an intentional choice on the part of the filmmakers, at least it left enough ambiguity to make it SEEM like it could’ve been intentional. That’s good enough for me.

(500) Days of Summer

Look, man. I’m sick of you. Aren’t you sick of you? I think French Stewart is looking for you.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I think so. I wasn’t gaga over this movie in college, but it’s better than I remember. I mostly remembered Gordon-Levitt being a sniveling, emotionally abusive wanker about everything, and I’m pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t the case. I must be thinking about something else! Oh yeah, my own life!

*jubilant outro music*


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 1: “The Flame of Tar Valon”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand and Co. are still hanging out near the Blight. Rand and Lan are swordfighting for training on the top of a tower, and during this planned skirmish you’ve got Lan dunking on Rand. Asking him what he’s still doing around the Blight. Asking him why he hasn’t hoisted his tall ass and made his way out yet, Rand claims that the heron-marked sword of his will draw too much attention. He refuses to sell it, of course, since it’s his only tie to ol’ whats-his-name. Maybe-Father. Tam. Lan advises him to sell it, since the rarity of such a sword will make him an easy target no matter where he goes.

Rand has the gall to ask Lan why these swords are so rare and precious in the first place. It’s because Aes Sedai were making these “power-marked” swords before the Breaking of the World. After the Breaking, they vowed to stop making more power swords. Any that are left are rare and precious. Like my love, or a good steak. Rand’s sword is possible 3,000 years old! Like a Jesus-and-a-half.

Rand admits it’s not just the sword training that’s holding him back. It’s his friends. And Moiraine is being weird and rude and ignoring him a lot lately, which doesn’t sound like a reason to me for anything, honestly.

Suddenly, Rand and Lan hear an approaching convoy of Aes Sedai flying a banner with the Flame of Tar Valon on it. The Amyrlin Seat herself is there with them, so this must be pretty much every Aes Sedai in the world.

The chapter ends, leaving my balls blue with anticipation! What are these Aes Sedai here for? Cockfighting and other debauchery? Matching tattoos? What happens in Fal Dara stays in Fal Dara, I always say.


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All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

* Part 3 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #8! In the previous installment, Cyclops runs away to Manhattan and takes a bunch of items out of his – Old Cyclops’ – safety deposit box. Among the hundreds of dollars and some nifty ‘80s red sunglasses, he finds an invitation to his and Jean Grey’s wedding. Everyone makes sad faces.

A lot of the issue involved Raven Jennifer Lawrence showing up to manipulate the fuck out of Scott Summers because, as she later puts it so eloquently about the X-Men, “screw them”.

With Cyclops appropriately neutered and the rest of the Young X-Men slowly getting adjusted, it’s hard to say exactly where this is all going right now! My guess is the toilet.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [May, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

“Isn’t this the best?” Angel asks Young Angel, flap flap flapping his metal wings. “Remember all the time we spent with our wings tucked in our blazers?! We used to do that, right?”

“Could you slow down?” Young Angel puffs, flap flap flapping his feathery wings. “Why won’t you tell me what has happened to you?”

Angel grabs Young Angel by the arm. “Man, was Warren always like this? You’re like a coiled spring.”

Huh? Buh? But, but but but, but but, but you’re Warren too! Hubba what? “Well, huh, see, this is going to be hard for you. Warren was – I mean, we were born Warren but we are… Angel. I’m Angel. We – we’re Angel.”

THAT CLEARS IT UP! Not suspicious at all, really, if you squint and plug your ears. But hey, kid, Angel is just geeked to be seeing the “old model”, as if Young Angel was eventually destroyed and rebuilt by nanobots and replicants.

Before Young Angel has a chance to freak out even more, they both spot a raging inferno in the distance right at the location of Avengers Tower. Maybe Iron Man was cooking bacon naked next to a pile of oily rags?

“Your orders are clear. Let the world know that we are back!! HAIL HYDRA!” A really hot lady wearing a metal green Hydra suit rallies a team of similarly clad Hydra clan members. “Let them know that we are here to burn down this disgusting police state!” Fuck yeah, lady. I’m hella on board! I don’t know who wouldn’t be!

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

We should call the Coast Guard! We should call the Ghostbusters! We should call Sly and the Family Stone!

Oh, I guess Angel wouldn’t be. He tackles this lady to the ground. Just because she and her team are burning down Avengers Tower doesn’t mean she’s bad. I can see an upside to it, honestly! “Whoops, sorry to interrupt your villainous rant! You were really building to something there.” And then he starts beating up other Hydra grunts.

Fuck you, Angel. You didn’t save shit. You got in the way, big time. No wonder no one else is showing up. “Uh, um, Avengers assemble?” Angel says as he continues getting swarmed by Hydra soldiers. “That’s a thing, right?” Are these Hydra fools serious? The Avengers aren’t even home! “Are you beating up an empty building?”

Meanwhile, Young Angel is getting chased around like a little punk. Angel helps him with confidence, because Young Angel can’t die! If Young Angel dies, then Older Angel wouldn’t exist! So no matter how little he actually helps, he’s in the clear.

Unless Older Angel is the one who dies… but we’ll worry about that part later.

Angel continues taunting Hydra, poorly I might add. Stuff like “Tony Stark’s gonna call his lawyer!” and “Nice green color, idiots.”

Young Angel really wants backup here. “Can we call the rest of the X-Men now?” he begs. “Sure,” Older Angel replies, “do you have a phone?”

Har har. Hot Hydra Lady is like “no no no no this can’t be” while the Hydra shits tries to fill Young Angel full of fiery ballistics! One of his wings gets singed, and now it’s personal…

…but he gets thrown to the ground and flanked by five Hydra robots. “Target surrounded. He’s a kid,” one says. “He’s a mutant! Execute him!” says another. Sounds like a coin toss here. Kid or mutant? Call it now or forever hold your peace.

They try to blow Young Angel up, but it doesn’t work. This kind of shit never works. The guns on the Hydra ships go like “SCABAMSCABAMSCABAM”, which is terrible gun onomatopoeia. Try this next time: BLAM BAM BOOM POW HONK SQUEAK

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Heaven sucks anyway. It’s all just clouds and religious people.

“Two of them and a hundred of you!” Hydra Lady says, rallying the troops. She pulls out a gun the size of a boom box and revs it up, ready to blast these Angel bitches to kingdom come.

…and then the motherfucking Avengers show up to ruin my X-Men comic book. Hawkeye, Hulk, Captain America, Thor, and some lady that isn’t Black Widow or Scarlet Witch. She shoots fire. Does Scarlet Witch shoot fire? Someone call Elizabeth Olsen.

The Angels let the Avengers do the fighting for a bit. Older Angel offers to heal Younger Angel, but Younger Angel is like “Healing powers?! Riddikulus!” Then Thor shows up to thank them for defending their home, which has likely already burned to the ground by now.

“You know there’s two of you, right?” Hawkeye observes observantly.

“Why are there two of you?” Cap asks with his trademark big dumb expression on his face.

Let’s return to the Jean Grey School for “Higher” Learning where the Avengers decide to cramp their style and land their awful, probably really loud, jet onto the front lawn. “Henry, may I speak to you for a moment?” Captain America says, barging into the school like he owns the place. The X-Men aren’t having it. They don’t give seven fucks, let alone two, let alone one fuck, what Captain America has to tell them, but they have a pretty good guess: “Don’t mess with the space-time continuum, guys. Come on, now.”

While Beast speaks with Cap, Iceman and Kitty Pryde mock Cap while Kitty Pryde tries to hide her laughter. “’Don’t talk to me with your double-talking space science jibber-jabber! I’m from 1940! I don’t understand how you people do it with your Model T Fords and your ladies that walk around with your arms uncovered!”

Young Scott decides to be diplomatic. He marchs right over to Captain America and gives him a piece of his mind!

…

“Hello, Captain. I’ve been studying up on recent events. I realize that you and I have found ourselves on different sides of the fence on a lot of issues. I wanted to let you know that I plan on doing everything I can to make it right. I hope you give me the chance.”

Well, that was unexpected! The Avengers just stand there boggling at him, most of all Cap with his resting boggled face. Wolverine gives him a rare smile. “Nicely done.”

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

OK, well, I specifically said “please” so let’s try this again.

All Beast can do is try to keep Cap in the loop, whatever the loop actually might be. The time loop? Because we’re all in the time loop, sonny.

The Avengers fuck off in their jet mere moments before a very screechy alarm goes off in Beast’s lab. They deduce that it’s Young Warren and he’s going to mess with the Time Cube! Is this the first mention of the Time Cube? What the hell is the Time Cube? I don’t remember the Time Cube!

Young Warren is scrambling to manually override the TIME CUBE and turn off the alarm, but a couple of meddling X-Men run into the lab.

“What are you doing?” asks Young Scott.

“I’m going home,” responds Young Warren. “I don’t like it here.”

No! You have to stay, we’re all in this together! Well, Scott says we’re all in this together. Some of us don’t want to be all in this together, clearly. “Have you seen me?” Warren cries. “Have you seen what I’ve become? Something really bad happened to me. I don’t want to be here.” Tears streaming down his cheeks, he yells that he doesn’t want to do any of this anymore. He wants to quit the school, get far, far away from “you people”.

Mid-rant, Young Warren suddenly stops. The others stare at him. Warren continues being still and silent. “Is he having a stroke?” Iceman asks. Then Young Warren perks up with a giant smile on his face. “What’s for lunch?” he asks. “Is anybody else starving? I’m starving?”

Jean Grey walks into the room, having just dug herself deep into Young Warren’s brain and messed with his neurons and dopamine levels or some such.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Nothing to see here. Do not adjust your TV set. Big brother isn’t watching. Keep calm and carry on. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Ten-four, good buddies.

“You’re not allowed to go digging into people’s minds and just change them for your own reason?” Young Hank says sternly.

“Henry, don’t you of all people start lecturing me on using your God-given things for selfish purposes.” That’s a fair point. Hank does use his God-given dick for selfish reasons constantly.

“I can read your minds,” Grey says, walking away. “Stop worrying. I’m in total control.”

Everyone looks very worried.

Final Thoughts

Jean Grey is the bad guy! Someone kill her before it’s too late, lmao lol.


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Fray, Issue #2 – “Chapter Two: The Calling”

* Part 2 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #2 – “Chapter Two: The Calling”! In the previous installment, we meet Melaka Fray: a young woman from the slum of future-Manhatten who makes her money stealing trinkets and baubles from rich people and selling them to semi-friendly radiation-mutated mermaid-type creatures.

Meanwhile, there are murmurings among demons and other ungodly creatures that this young Fray woman is the Chosen One. Sound familiar? A man visits her particular slum and tells her this information before self-immolating, which was weird. And then the issue ends with Fray entering her apartment, and a giant horned demon awaits. He’s probably going to be rather cordial. That’s what I usually expect from a Joss Whedon demon.

It’s good so far! I just started, but I’m looking forward to the next… *checks count* … 232 Buffyverse comics? Holy shitfuck, dude. That’s going to take me years! Decades! Maybe I should read them without writing about them like a normal person.

Haha! Just cracked myself up.

Fray, Issue #2 [July, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Two: The Calling”

Fray, Issue #2

“Don’t scream,” Fray thinks as she slowly glances behind her. The enormous demon looks quite snarly, like my ex-girlfriend! HAHAHA! I’ve never had one of those! “Don’t think. Think equals scream.”

She tries to slink away, but the demon grabs her by the leg and smashes her onto the top of her desk. Miraculously unhurt, she grabs her blast gun and jumps back up. “You’ll be wanting to back off about now,” she tells the beast, gun trained on him. The demon calls her a fool. He’s Urkonn! Urkonn of the D’Avvrus! “Bullets cannot harm me.”

Well, Urkonn of D’Avvrus, Melaka Fray doesn’t even know what a bullet is! She blasts him in the face with a burst of electricity. The beast goes down! Fray thinks this just bought her an hour, but Urkonn gets back up almost immediately and tackles her through the wall of the side of her high-rise. They plummet to the roof of a smaller building below. She maneuvers so that she lands on him when they crash, breaking her own fall. This is also fruitless to stop him.

“You are a fool!” he bellows, leaping at Fray again. “I am not trying to kill you!” Urkonn pins her down to the floor, looking like he’s about to kill her. But since he’s not trying to kill her, he doesn’t kill her!

“You attacked me,” she points out to him.

“You were fleeing. I tried to stop you.”

“By pushing me through a wall?”

“You hurt me. I got angry.”

He looks sad. She still looks skeptical of his motives.

“I was sent to train you,” Ukronn says. “To prepare you for the coming battle. You are the Chosen One, Melaka Fray. It is your destiny to lead humankind in the war against the vampires.”

Pffft. Hey, Joss Whedon, you one-trick pony, way to just make Future Buffy.

Fray looks nonplussed.

Fray, Issue #2

It’s like a chicken sandwich, except less tasty and more like a human who sucks your blood.

Elsewhere, a vampire named Icarus has just munched on a young woman’s neck. The three Lurks from Issue #1 approach him with good news! They have a necklace with the emerald pendants. I don’t know how they got this, but maybe Gunther is involved? At any rate, Icarus is pleased. “He’ll want this right away,” he says as he walks out of the large chamber through a corridor. The Lurks wish he stuck around for a celebration, but he’s been no fun anymore since he started answering to him. Whoever HE is. I don’t know yet. Probably David Boreanaz.

While this big, muscle-y Lurk talks shit about Icarus, Icarus pops back into the chamber like a magic trick, scowling. The Lurk starts gibbering and back-pedaling. But it doesn’t work. “Your little finger,” Icarus says to him. “Bite it off.”

Sir, yes sir! Let me just put some ketchup on this and CRUNCH. Delicious.

“You want me to fight Lurks,” Fray says to Urkonn. It wasn’t a question. Yes, she needs to fight what she calls “Lurks”. “It is your destiny,” Urkonn says, which is something that Fray is probably going to hear a lot from this point forward. “I don’t know who set you up to this, but tell them nice try. Go spin someone else.”

Nope! This Urkonn fellow is a straight-shooter. All integrity. He wouldn’t lie to nobody! Go out and start slaying, Slayer. It is your destiny and whatnot. Fray continues denying her destiny, but Urkonn knows that she knows. He knows she knows he knows she knows. She has dreams. He knows she has dreams. “In every dream you have great power. In every dream you fight them. The ones you call Lurks.”

Fray denies that she knows what he’s talking about, but she knows. I know she knows. I know he knows she knows, too. And he knows she knows he knows. Now that that’s settled, we can move on to brass tacks! Start slaying!

“Every Slayer is psychically linked to those that came before. It always has been thus.” He continues to convince her. She’s stubborn. “Then I guess I’m not your guy.”

He asks her where she thinks her strength and abilities come from. She says that she’s just “good at stuff”. He says she has skills beyong normal mortals. She says that she’s just “good at stuff”.

“How do you explain me?” Urkonn puts on his best scowly sneer, which isn’t as intimidating anymore now that we know he’s sort of a friendly kinda guy! “I am not of your reality. Is not my visage strange to you?”

Nope! She works for a guy who swims under a glass floor. Ain’t nothing surprises her anymore. “Take a look at the world, Horn-Boy. You’re not gonna convince me you’re special by playing the ugly card.

He’s starting to get frustrated.

Fray, Issue #2

Look on the bright side. She keeps a clean house.

I forget Melaka’s sister’s name. She’s copping around with her partner, flying in their fancy flying cop car. Her partner’s name is Broder, and he tells her to stop hounding her sister. She tells him to cork it.

Her name is Erin, that’s right. A much better name than Melaka. Through them I learn that Melaka is 19, and she’s doing all this stupid dangerous stuff partly because it pisses Erin off! That’s healthy.

“And knowing how much it rips you means she’s never gonna stop,” Broder tells her.

“She doesn’t stop, she’ll kill someone else. Maybe on purpose this time,” she replies, sighing. I’m looking forward to seeing who this broad killed. Probably David Boreanaz.

Down in Versi, that milky-eyed armless girl is trying to convince a couple of boys that Melaka Fray is The Man. She’s a hero and she could knock your head of with one dang punch! “My dad says she’s a pump on steroids, and she does whoring and stuff,” says a particularly dumpy, bowl-haired kid. “That’s ‘cause your dad tried to make with her and got stomped,” the girl retorts. Plus there was that time that Melaka stole medicine for her and didn’t make her mom pay nuthin’! Salt of the earth!

“No Slayer has ever turned her back on her duty.”

“I can’t believe you’re still talking!”

Fray, Issue #2

Are we talking side show-type freaks, or the James Franco and Seth Rogen-type freaks?

Urkonn is having problems here. Chosen One or no Chosen One, find some other gal. “If you don’t stand, they will overrun your world,” Urkonn warns.

Obviously, Fray doesn’t understand what the big deal is. Lurks are a bunch of annoying motherfuckers, not anything to even bother with. Huff and puff!

A beeping robot flies like a bullet through the giant hole in her apartment wall. She grabs it, calls it a carrier pigeon. “Means I got a job,” she tells Urkonn. Urkonn is amazed that there are no computers on Earth anymore, but Fray tells him that’s some hoity-toity Uppers business.

Another grab from Gunther! Time to skedaddle! “Our business is not finished,” Urkonn says rather patiently. Oh yes it is, scumbag! You better be out of here before she gets back, and she counted the beers in the fridge so don’t even think about it.

Before leaping out the building, Fray tells him that he hopes he has a backup plan, because she’s not getting involved in any of this Slayer stuff whatsoever. “We do,” Urkonn mutters of the backup plan, “It would not please you.”

Gunther’s newest job is a good reprieve from the last 40 hours of getting talked at by some Hell Jerk. She seems hesistant about her confidence. “Guy attacked me, then tells me I’m supposed to be fighting Lurks… not that I couldn’t… I haven’t met an ass I couldn’t kick… It’s just…”

Nope, we don’t get to hear the end of that thought. She at the museum where she needs to steal yet another trinket. She sprays the room with mist to find the locations of the security lasers, then approaches a little stone head encased in glass. Much to her surprise, an alarm gets tripped as she lifts the object off of it’s pedestal with string. Running to the exit as fast as she can, she finds a guard getting his neck chewed up by a big, buff, burly vampire! I mean, Lurk! Why am I capitalizing Lurk, anyway? Because I have respect for them, that’s why.

She has a sudden flashback of telling a guy named Harth to run. Her face is full of blood. The flashback is over in one panel. It’s a continuation of the single-panel flashback from Issue #1, where she is running with the guy. We’ll get more pieces of this scene to come, I’m sure.

The blood-faced Lurk tackles Fray to the floor, eyes looking hungry. “The pain is good,” she thinks. “The pain wakes me up.” She elbows him in the face, but, unphased, he gnashes his teeth into her arm. “Oh god… he was… sucking…” she thinks, horrified, before picking him up over her head and throwing him against a large glass obelisk. He’s all sharded up and incapacitated.

Feeling the thrill of BEING ALIVE, she returns to her apartment building where Urkonn still waits on the roof.

Fray, Issue #2

It’s like a chicken sandwich…

Final Thoughts

MELAKA ENTERING THE FRAY, as it were. She’s going to learn all about pointy wooden sticks. She’s in for a real treat.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Prologue: “In the Shadow”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Welcome back to my soon-to-be-but-not-really-complete read of the Wheel of Time series! After a brief hiatus, I’m back to tackle the land of *checks book* … the world where this takes place doesn’t have a name. But don’t worry about that! We can just all it “Ohio”. Let’s continue with the prologue of The Great Hunt.

The man who calls himself Bors is a man who calls himself Bors. He will call himself Bors until the end of the prologue. He’s in a room with hundreds of other people. A door opens, and a scary Myrddraal enters the room! Those are those Ultra-Trollocs who have +4 armor bonuses and can cleft your butt in twain. Even more twain than it already is!

Oh ho ho, but it’s not just a Myrddraal who enters the Royal Chamber of Awful Men (and Women). It’s You-Know-Who himself! He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named! It’s the Wheel of Time’s Voldemort. Ba’alzamon. Old Ba’allsy. He commands his little collection of followers to bend the knee and grovel. The Day of Return draws near! The world will be broken again and remade. Wheel of Time be damned! And everyone will be filthy, stinkin’ rich! Except… you. *points*

Next, Ba’alzamon creates a few apparitions to appear before them all: Mat, Rand, and Perrin. The Man Who Will Hitherto Refer to His Own Fucking Self as Something Stupid Like Bors is astonished to see the Rand-like figure holding a heron-hilt sword! BUH-WHAT!! BRRRRTT!!! HUBLUBUBLUB!!! The room is encouraged — nay, commanded — nay, FORCED — to find these three for a reward of seven pickles and a comic book.

Bors McFadden is personally tasked with confusing directions, which he blindly obeys even though he has no idea what the hell Ba’alzamon is telling him. Something about Tamon Head and those who landed there. Something about work to do on Almoth Plain. Yada yada yada. Typical prologue shit where a character you don’t know is told things you don’t know either.

The last bit of helpful information is that Bors changes back into his street clothes after the Ba’alzamon pow-wow: a white clock with a sun on it. This will come up later, I assure you. Also, “Bors” will probably have a name that’s an anagram. Like “Sorb”.

End Prologue.


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