Chronicles of the Tattoo: Tom’s Gonna Get Tattooier!

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Dubstep

This isn’t me. I don’t like dubstep.

I spent years mulling over a half-sleeve tattoo. Earlier this year, well along my path toward overcoming anxiety and depression, I started looking through websites, portfolios, and Instagram pages to find a tattoo artist who was making the kind of art that resonated with me. In April, I found my guy, but it was impossible for me to work up the nerve to contact him until I BUILT UP SOME CONFIDENCE.

On June 17th, 2023, I drummed up enough courage to fill out and submit his online contact form.

On June 18th, 2023, he emailed me back to set up a consultation.

On June 21st, 2023, I walked over to the tattoo studio to speak with him in person. After less than 30 minutes, I booked four sessions. Mid-August, late-September, early-November, mid-December. I put down my deposit and that was that. In about seven weeks’ time, I’m going to sit down for my first session with a guy I just met and get some ink injected into my dermis for five hours. Forever. And then I’m going to do it at least three more times.

In the span of 76 hours, I finalized a life-changing decision. Fuck, man, I’m still processing it. You can tell that I’m serious because the level of snark is at an all-time low for a post that I’m already about 250 words into. This is SERIOUS BUSINESS! I’m taking this SERIOUSLY! I have to! From shoulder to elbow, I’m permanently altering my right arm. This is not to be taken lightly, ladies and/or gentlemen. Hopefully just ladies, but I’ll take any audience!

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Dubstep

It’s not going to be my first tatoo [sic], but who really has a first tattoo? Know what I mean?

I’m not comfortable naming the fine artist who is going to hurt me for 20 total hours yet, because I might end up completely wussing out and I don’t want him to read this and get mad at me for completely wussing out and wasting his precious time. But I will say that he’s based in Chicago, and he specializes in a completely original style of biomechanical and abstract blackwork. Based on this information you could probably find him quickly, but let’s way until my arm is bleeding like crazy before I start crediting him with the work he’ll be doing on my tender flesh.

I’m excited! I’ve been thinking about this for long enough that I’m confident that I’m making the right choice for myself. I’m looking quite forward to having some cool-ass art on my body until I’m long dead and ready for decomposition. I can’t wait to scare old grannies with some eerie, abstract black-and-gray artwork on my arm as I brazenly wear short-sleeved t-shirts of the finest cotton out in public. I can’t wait for my own mother to shake her head with disappointment as I break the news that I’m ruining my flesh with dastardly inks. I can’t wait to hide it from my in-laws forever with long-sleeved t-shirts and hooded sweatshirts during 90°F summer weather, inciting some very bewildered looks. Most of all, I’m looking forward to outwardly and passively expressing myself since I’m not very good at actively expressing myself through words or hand gestures or t-shirts that say “FUCK THE SHRINERS” on them.

I’m not too worried about regrets, because the worst that will happen is that a lot of my arm will be a different color and I can just write about it as a form of self-therapy for all two of my website fans to enjoy. Based on his portfolio, this artist looks very impressive and capable of drawing things on body parts with a very painful tattoo machine, so I don’t have to worry about getting a shitty-ass tattoo. Perhaps my half-sleeve will scare my children, to which I say that they need to face the harsh reality early on that Dad is a creep and he’s no good for society in general! These things must be learned eventually.

Chronicles of the Tattoo - Dubstep

Ok, this one is pretty good.

So, thank you for reading. I hope in the coming months I can post progress photos of my off-putting, flabby arm and discuss any sort of hang-ups and insecurities I have about disfiguring the right side of my person for the rest of my pathetic life!

Oh yeah, I already have a tattoo, so I’ve done this before. Thank you for asking. That’s a story for another time! Stay tuned, I’ll have more inanities to spew in the coming months!

Good thing I ended up snarking this thing up after all.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Book I: Skywalker Strikes storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 1)”!

I’ve done the work. I’ve watched the first six movies. I’ve already finished one of the novels. It’s time to dig into the comics.

I’m sticking with the Marvel canon comics for a while, for no other reason than they’re fairly new. I like the idea of seeing what was going on between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, so I’m hopping in right around that time period. I expect a lot of Luke Skywalker crying and Princess Leia strutting around in bikinis of various metal alloys. Also, Darth Vader crying and/or strutting. There’s a lot that could happen here.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [March, 2015]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book I: Skywalker Strikes (Part 1)”

tar Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Hell yeah, cover art. Check out that OG crew with super serious looks on their faces, ready to battle all the Imperial soldiers and/or Jabba the Hutts. Even C-3PO looks like he’s ready to strangle a bitch, but not really. He always looks like he’d rather stay home and take a bath.

“It is a period of renewed hope for the Rebellion. The evil Galactic Empire’s greatest weapon, the Death Star, had been destroyed by the young Rebel pilot, Luke Skywalker. With the Imperial forces in disarray, the Rebels look to press their advantage by unleashing a daring offensive throughout the far reaches of space, hoping to defeat the Empire once and for all and at last restore freedom to the galaxy…”

This means that, immediately following the events of A New Hope, Luke, Leia, and Han didn’t just go to their respective homes and binge through marathons of NCIS while eating hot dogs. They continued to do stuff, and we’re going to see exactly what that stuff was because this shit is CANON, my friends.

A spacecraft hovers over that one shitty desert planet. “Tatooine shuttle, your credentials have been approved. You are cleared for landing at Weapons Factory Alpha.”

This hunk of garbage lands in the Corellian Industrial Cluster of Cymoon 1, whatever that is. This place looks like it emits more greenhouse gases than Louie Anderson during a meal of franks and beans; everything is so brown. Like Louie Anderson’s toilet after a meal of franks and beans. An Imperial officer, flanked by stormtroopers, sneers at this incoming shuttle. “Outer Rim scum. I can smell them already.” He tells the troops to kill everyone if there’s any funny business going on. Just load them up with laser blasts and CGI special effects if one of them even drops a tissue.

The doors of the craft open. The Imperial officer welcomes the hitherto unseen visitors and looks forward to an afternoon of negotiations! He is Overseer Aggadeen, and he’s a craggy-faced motherfucker.

Emerging from the shuttle is a rather dashing young Harrison Ford lookalike! R2-D2 is with him, looking like the blue and white garbage can that he is. A real dream team.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Watch your tongue, Handsome, or my stormtroopers will strangle you with your own very dapper vest.

Some brain-robot thing positively identifies Han Solo as a known associate of Jabba the Hutt with a bounty on his head of 50,000 credits. Han doesn’t even blink at this. He even finds it rather funny! Overseer Aggadeen isn’t interested in the exploits of Han “The Rock” Solo. He demands that Han and his cronies remove their weapons before entering the premises or else they’ll get a fistful of teeth-breaking brass knuckles. Han willfully relinquishes his pistols, but far off in the distance he’s got Chewbacca stationed at his Sniper Zone. By that I mean, he’s ready to blow some Imperial heads off if one of them even drops a tissue.

After some rather flowery prose, C-3PO subverts the trademark Star Wars phrase. “I have a very good feeling about this,” he gushes.

*laugh track*

Aggadeen leads the way. “The negotiator will deliver the Empire’s terms and you will accept them,” he tells Han sternly. “Your organization will provide whatever raw materials we require and will take the pay you are given, without complaint.” And, in classic fashion, Han Solo bats his eyes because he thinks he’s cute. They arrive at a conference room where Mr. Negotiator will be shortly…

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

The classic Piss Distraction tactic! Well played, sir.

Han ain’t here to negotiate! In fact, he’s here to not negotiate! In fact, he’s going to be hella destructive and belligerent about it. R2-D2 pisses on the floor and then zaps the piss with electricity and then all the stormtroopers who are standing in the piss get electrocuted! Everyone gets their ass kicked except Aggadeen, who gets to bug out his eyes and stammer for a minute. “Oh my… this is… This is insanity. What kind of envoy are you?”

Han’s two bodyguards remove their helmets, revealing Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, who you may remember from the movies! Han aims his gun, which he should have relinquished earlier, at the hapless Overseer. “Which way to the main power core?” Han demands, brow furrowing like he thinks he’s the biggest badass this side of, like, Krypton or Vulcan or whatever.

Rebels. Yes, Rebels. The Rebels are here to be rebellious. “This moon is the most heavily guarded base in the galaxy,” Aggadeen says, still alarmed at this TWIST. “You cannot possibly escape alive.”

Han asks again, very sweetly, where the power core is. R2-D2 threatens to zap Aggadeen’s dick. Aggadeen points the way. Leia punches him in the face and they all skedaddle.

Meanwhile, Chewbacca and C-3PO have hid the Millennium Falcon in a landfill where no one will ever look twice! Because the ship looks like scrap, you see. “If I may say so, Captain Solo, I do find it rather disconcerting that your vessel continues to be so easily mistaken for garbage.” Ha. That’s C-3PO bringing the funny! Someone get him a microphone and a brick wall behind him.

C-3PO is instructed to hit the autopilot as soon as Han gives the signal, which will likely be the Shocker. Han’s group of ninnies finds the power core and decides to stare at it for a bit. Then they’re going to rig it to blow up, because that’s how we solve every problem in Star Wars.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

A true Jedi can also tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi.

Luke finds some stairs leading to a basement where a bunch of alien-types are trapped in a very large cage. A big lug of a guard threatens Luke with a baton to the skull. Luke responds by activating his lightsaber and waving it around a little. He slices off the guard’s hand, which seems a little harsh to me considering Luke kind of knows what that feels like. Then he lightsabers the bolt of the cage. “YOU’RE FREE, LITTLE BIRDS! FLY! FLY AWAY!” …he doesn’t say that, but he may as well have. He instead tells them all to follow him if they hate the Empire’s guts. Which they do. Everyone does. Especially when it happens to Strike Back.

DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE INITIATED. They have ten minutes to get the hell out of dodge, which is a conveniently round number. Too bad Luke is nowhere to be found, that dingbat. He’s probably off in closet somewhere stroking himself. Again.

Leia thanks Han for all his services. And for showing his face in front of the Imperials, who now know that Han Solo is fighting for the Rebels. To this, Han goes “no no no no no no, it’s not like that at all!” But his protests are thin and flimsy like so many dropped tissues.

Luke shows up. Everyone’s ready to board the ship!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Gee, thanks Luke. The Millennium Falcon can only hold 900 lbs, but whatever.

C-3PO kicks on the autopilot, but nay! They’re not leaving yet! A ship is arriving! The Negotiator is here to conduct his business, and if it ain’t negotiating then he ain’t want no part of it.

It’s Darth Vader. Spooky! (I think that’s the bad guy, but I only watched the first six movies so I can’t be quite sure yet)

Oh shit, man, Darth Vader. The Darth Vader. Chewie can’t assassinate him in front of the whole Empire and God and everyone. It’ll draw just a teensy bit too much attention to this little rogue power core explosion mission. Han radios Chewie and tells him to stand down. Leia thinks this is cuckoo bananas, grabs Han’s wrist and orders Chewie to take the shot. Blast Vader’s brains all over his Darth Suit.

Don’t forget, men and women, that Darth Vader is the most Jediest Jedi that has ever Forced his way through a paper bag. He uses his Vader-sense and picks up on the impending laser bullet through the ol’ brainpan. So he throws a few disposable stormtroopers right into the path of Chewie’s shot. Chewie looks through his scope and sees Vader looking right at him. With a hearty “HHRRRRRRRRR”, Chewie is just about to pull the trigger when Vader channels the power of magnets and ghosts and sends Chewie’s hideout toppling around him.

“It was a Wookiiee. After him,” Darth McGarth orders. One of his stormtroopers humbly informs the Darthed One that the, uh, power core of the main reactor is currently melting down. Well, fiddlesticks.

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Wait ‘til I tell him that Daddy’s Home.

Alarms go off in the power core room, signaling near doom and death (or both) for Han, Leia, and the other guy.

“THREEPIO, GET US OUTTA HERE! HIT THE AUTO-PILOT!”

“I did, sir. I pressed the button… five minutes ago. I’m afraid… nothing happened.”

Well fuck you very much, C-3PO. You’re the big smartypants robot, figure something out. Han Solo rightfully calls him a rude name while little squid-like creatures with green hoods are tearing pieces off the ship and squirrelling them away. lol there

Han tells C-3PO to go out there and stop them. C-3PO vibrates nervously. Han tells him to grab a gun. C-3PO quivers.

Ambushed by stormtroopers, Team Rebel opens fire while booking it out of the room and into another room. The other room contains hella Imperial AT-AT Walkers, which makes Han positively salivate with orgasmic excitement.

“Can you even drive one of those things?”
“I can drive anything. Let’s go!”

They lost Luke again, who scrambled back to that self-stroking closet that he likes so much. In actuality, he’s been following a mysterious, disembodied voice down the corridor.

“Luke…”

“Ben? Ben, is that you?”

“Luke… Listen to me carefully…”

Luke unsheathes his glowstick. Vader, at the end of the corridor, advances toward Luke with his own red neon light.

“RUN.”

Final Thoughts

Yeehaw! We’re cooking with gas now! Excitement and thrills! Live long a prosper, Space Wars Nerds!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Star Wars: Lost Stars by Claudia Gray

Star Wars Storytime Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Star Wars: Lost Stars
by Claudia Gray

Publication Date:
September 4, 2015

Timeframe:
11 BBY – 5 ABY

Synopsis:
The reign of the Galactic Empire has reached the Outer Rim planet of Jelucan, where aristocratic Thane Kyrell and rural villager Ciena Ree bond over their love of flying. Enrolling at the Imperial Academy together to become fighter pilots for the glorious Empire is nothing less than a dream come true for the both of them. But Thane sours on the dream when he sees firsthand the horrific tactics the Empire uses to maintain its ironclad rule.

Star Wars: Lost Stars

GUEST REVIEW!

Star Wars: Lost Stars

Special guest reviewer Marty Drumpus!

Lost Stars, at surface level, appears to be a coming-of-age tale about two children, with vastly different backgrounds, growing up together and falling in love. On a deeper level, which isn’t much deeper than the surface level, this garbage book from the swamp is a mundane tale of two teenagers who just want to fuck each other for years and can’t. As someone who wants to fuck someone and can’t, this rubbish extremely insults those of us who can’t get girls to look in our direction even after donning the most dapper of fedoras. This is a completely unrealistic tale of two children who have a friendship so strong that they don’t even think about fucking each other for years! YEARS! A boy can’t have a friendship with a girl without wanting sex with her. It’s just biology!

You should have heard how loudly I groaned and moaned every time these two were worlds apart, yet still longed for each other. It’s like, hello? Star Destroyers are full of guys who would want to fuck Ciena! All Ciena had to do was look a nice guy in the eyes and smile and he would have shown her a great time. He would have used all his credits to purchase chocolates and roses and a nice candlelit dinner. But no, she never gave the nice guys a chance.

Don’t get me started on Thane Kyrell, that bastard. He doesn’t know how good he has it. I understand that the Empire is evil, and that the powers-that-be just want to rule the galaxy with fear and intimidation. They want to blow up any planets with populations of traitors and rebels and defectors. I understand that Thane became so disillusioned by the Empire and its corruption of morality and decency that he had no choice but to fake his death and escape the military… but, come on. Ciena was right there for the fucking! Are you kidding me? This guy who grew up with the girl of his dreams decides to leave her, possibly forever, over a finely-tuned moral compass?? I would have stuck with the Empire’s military, grinning and bearing it while riding out my service, so I could hit that shit! Any time I wanted?! WHY WOULD THANE KYRELL JUST LEAVE THAT? What an idiot!

And these characters just happened to be at the right place at the right time for each major event of the original trilogy? Unlikely! Millions upon millions of Imperial soldiers and members of the Rebel Alliance, and Thane and Ciena are there for everything? The explosion of the first Death Star, the battle on Hoth, and the explosion of the second Death Star? Um, how is that possible?? I’m having a heart attack over here!

I hate this book! I hate it with the flaming passion of seven hundred fiery suns! I’m going to take my copy and drop it in the toilet and then take a big dump on it! Fuck you, Claudia Gray! I should have never picked up Lost Stars, especially since it was written by a woman!

TOM’S REVIEW!

Star Wars: Lost Stars

Tom, the Cool Guy

This book was pretty great. I like a good coming-of-age tale, and this is one of the best ones I’ve read in a long time. Possibly ever. Thane and Ciena start as youngins from different classes in the same part of town, and they meet at a Imperial ceremony celebrating the Empire’s new acquisition of their planet. They become fast friends and spend the majority of their formative years flight training with each other. They form a special bond, one which is put under the test several times through the course of the novel as Thane’s disillusionment of the Empire grows until he defects to the Rebel Alliance and Ciena’s disillusionment of the Empire grows until she grins and bears it for reasons of honor and loyalty.

The characterizations and growth of Thane and Ciena are so believable that they seem like real people. The story progresses at a pace that matches the slow development of their respective internal conflicts. This is my first Star Wars novel and I can’t compare it to any of the other 700 Star Wars novels, but I find it unlikely that anyone else treats the Empire as a morally ambiguous entity. Lost Stars shows the human side of the “bad guy”. We see young kids go through academy training and become fresh-faced, proud Imperial officers with nothing but good intentions. True friendships. Depictions of decency and integrity with shades of gray from both sides of the war.

Major events from the original trilogy take place from Thane’s and/or Ciena’s perspective. Thane is proud of the Death Star until it destroys Alderaan, and the billions of innocent people along with it. Ciena loses friends when the Rebels destroy the Death Star. Many battles ensue where the two likely face off, such as the battle on Hoth, where both of them are terrified of killing one another. Thane loses friends during each battle against the Empire. Ciena meets Darth Vader and is intimidated by his hateful presence. Ciena sees Emperor Palpatine and is repelled. Ciena is ordered to chase down the Millennium Falcon through the asteroid field in a fruitless mission that causes needless casualties. Thane keeps hearing names like “Luke Skywalker” and “General Calrissian” and rolling his eyes at these Rebel Alliance showboats. It made it all the more enjoyable to see how minor universe characters were impacted by the actions of the main movie characters. The obliteration of Alderaan which, let’s be honest, wasn’t treated at all with the emotional weight it deserved in A New Hope. Princess Leia barely blinked. In Lost Stars, multiple people are deeply affected in profound, long-lasting ways. That’s some better storytelling. That’s some good shit.

As for the actual romance part of the plot, I didn’t have a problem with it. I have a pretty high tolerance for romance anyway as long as it’s TASTEFUL and WELL-WRITTEN. Lost Stars exceeds expectations in both respects. It’s implied that Thane and Ciena fuck twice and I was actually invested in their eventual consummation. I’m glad they did it! And I didn’t even roll my eyes or sneer or anything like that… not really. Maybe a little. I mean, come on, how in-love could you possibly get?

The ending wasn’t very happy, but at least it was realistic. Ciena is detained by the Rebel Alliance as a war criminal indefinitely. Thane is optimistic that they can get through this, but the reader knows that shit’s not gonna get better! That’s what you get for serving the Empire, lady. Maybe next time you won’t serve the Empire with such gusto.

WORTH A READ?

Yes. Take it from me, I have only working knowledge of the Star Wars universe and I don’t even know what a Bantha is and I loved this book. It’s basically a fantasy/adventure romance story that just happens to have words like “Tatooine” and “Sith” in it. A perfect first dip into Star Wars literature. I heard there might even be a Lost Stars 2! That would rule.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Black Sheep”

* Part 6 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Black Sheep”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan spends about 45 minutes battling a man-shark, then Black Hand gets his black hand back.

You’re all caught up. Here’s the “thrilling” conclusion of the storyline!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [December, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Black Sheep”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Nice cover art, all like “RRRAAAWWWRR LOOK AT MY GARGANTUAN BLACK HAND”. It’s bigger than an entire fleet of jets! It’s bigger than the world and the moon! Gimme a high five! *slam*

“That shark-thing just leaped right out of the water and grabbed him,” announces a sexy sailor. He’s on a ship with other sexy sailors, discussing Hal Jordan’s fight with man-bear-shark. They’re looking for an incandescent green light, but they sure don’t see an incandescent green light. They see bubbles as far as the eye can see, they do!

Out of the water comes an enormous spaceship, big enough to beam up the entire sexy sailor ship and give them all sexy probes. “Get me General Stone at Edwards,” radios the ship captain, like Stone is going to be able to do a damn thing about it. That guy looks like he huffs and puffs tying his shoes.

Meanwhile, on the spacecraft, those little German-speaking demons have the man-shark contained and are desperately trying to wake up Hal Jordan. Or do something with him, at any rate. Have their way with him? A telepathic signal from Hector Hillsdale Hunky-Dory Hammond causes Hal to bolt upright. Hammond himself is having trouble with these imps. “I told you they were back!” he shrieks as one is messing with his gross, exposed brain.

Hal’s ring informs them that they’re gremlins. “A race of capitalist scientists from the planet Krolot known for their obsession with the re-engineering of technological and biological resources from other cultures.” What, really? These guys? They look like they’re going to scurry around the walls with spiders and rats.

“They’re harvesting me,” Hammond says, rather glumly. “And the shark. They’re going to sell us – as living weapons to an intergalactic warrr.” Hammond drools like a doofus, tears streaming down his cheeks. I want to kill him myself, I’m so tired of looking at his awful face. It’s atrocious.

Something suddenly incapacitates Jordan. It makes him hold his head and go “HAKK”! “You know what?” says a voice. “You’ll be the twenty-third person I’ve killed today.”

Who else is showing up in the mess of a comic book? None other than Black Hand, of course. “Death is good. And death wants you back,” he tells Jordan as a mysterious pink beam flows from Black Hand’s not-black hand to Jordan’s chest. Jordan pulls up a green forcefield to block the energy.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

And Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Phish Food, for sure.

Black Hand has a score to settle here. Jordan took his hand! His poor hand! Reduced it to a smelly, cauterized stump! Well, two can play it this game. Time to reduce your life to a smelly, cauterized stump! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Hal’s ring warns him that the shield can’t hold shortly before the shield no longer holds! Black Hand blasts him across the room with fervent energy. “You’re what the gremlins are looking to improve upon. Even with that ring, you’re still human.”

Yes yes, poor vulnerable Hal Jordan. He requires reinvigoration via gremlins. Like a health spa. For what reason? Fuck if I know. We were just battling man-sharks moments ago.

While Black Hand strangles the life out of him, Hal has flashbacks of himself as a young lad. His mom makes him promise her that he’ll never become a pilot. He cries as he says “I promise”. A promise he obviously broke! Don’t ever depend on Hal Jordan, the slimy little weasel. He’ll stab you in the back 45 times at Slenderman’s request.

General Stone and his Air Force Platoon Company Squadron Buddies are flying around and striking the spaceship with their ballistics and heat-seaking missiles! Gremlins start swarming the Air Force jets. “We got company. Ugly little bastards, too.”

Man-shark wakes up with his containment tube. Hammond wants Hal to shoot him visions and memories of Carol Ferris, that sexy little piece. Hal tells Hammond to cork it.

Man-shark crashes out of his tube. Gremlins do a double-take. Man-shark starts chasing after the gremlins. This comic sucks.

While man-shark and the gremlins are busy, Black Hand and Hal Jordan carry on with their skirmish. Hal Jordan’s flashbacks continue…

“She made it crystal clear. You’re not welcome. And the state she’s in, I’m not going to let you upset her.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“You can’t be surprised she’s acting like this. You broke your promise.”

“I was a ten-year-old kid.”

“And still, every time you snuck out of the house and hit an airfield, it was like slapping her in the face.”

Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Hal old boy! Now your mom hates you to ‘til death does she part. This is what you get for following your dreams!

“How do I fix it?”

“You can’t fix everything Hal.”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Especially not the refrigerator, obviously. It’s been broken for months.

So Hal quits the Air Force to make his mom happy, but she died, like, minutes beforehand. That’s an lol from me. Hal sees visions of visiting her grave. Then he sees visions of identifying his brother Jack’s body.

“Death,” says Black Hand.

“I’m not afraid of death,” says Hal.

“No… but you hate it, don’t you? You hate death.”

Yeah, who doesn’t? Exploiting such a weakness is fish in a barrel, Black Hand.

“No… I just hate you!” Hal retorts. Then he fashions a blade out of his green lanterny light and chops off Black Hand’s hand again! Hilarious! He goes “Arrr!”

“You’re telling me how powerful death is… but without life, death is nothing. You’re proof of that,” Hal tells Black Hand before opening up a grave in the ground and dumping him into it. “No…” is all Black Hand has to say about this before Hal covers up the hole.

Anticlimactic as shit.

There’s still the spaceship to take care of. “Jordan! We’re crashing!” Hammond yells telepathically as the fiery spaceship spirals out of control. Hal conjures up some giant robot and saves the ship. The end.

“Since we halted work on the X-2020, Hangar 44 has been empty,” General Stone fesses up to Hal. “But since it’s already secured and equpped to house alien technology, transforming it into a containment unit for extra-terrestrial threats wasn’t a stretch.”

Hector Hammond. Black Hand. The Manhunter. Everything but the man-shark, they didn’t account for that one. But it looks like everyone is suddenly gone! So let’s move on!

General Stone has an new idea to target these aliens. “There’s an organization in the pentagon I think I can get access to.”

Jordan is half-listening. He’s staring at a photo of his dad in General Stone’s office.

General Stone kisses it every day before he leaves for home.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

“Untranslatable” translates to “goddamn mothercunting”, actually.

We wrap up with Hal Jordan meeting up with a German-speaking space creature named Tagort and his buddy Venizz. They’re both Green Lanterns of Sector Whatever. Hal Jordan still has the spaceship in tow, and he thanks them for taking it off his hands. He finds out that German isn’t actually the language, it’s Krolotean! They sound similar because Hitler conquered Krolot in 1944.

Hector Hammond is in stasis in Hangar 44. “Green Lantern saved me, yes, he did. You should have seen it. Oh, it was simply delightful. A true memory to cherish.”

He’s chatting with the head of a Manhunter, also in stasis.

“I was rescued by the greatest Green Lantern there ever was.”

“NO MAN ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS.”

“Oh, you’re no fun to talk to!”

Hammond does let his bionic friend in on a little secret: he knew they were coming for him, and he knew Green Lantern would stop them. He’s a free man now. The gremlins, they opened him up and pulled out his cortex and did more experiments.

“And… well…” he smiles, drooling. “Things are a little different now.”

Final Thoughts

Geez, was this bad. At least this writeup was super short! I’m tabling this one for a bit. Geoff Johns can suck a lime. Until next time, Green Lanternites, this is Tom signing off with a “nanu nanu”.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Paper Girls, Season 1 – Time-Travelling Sad Preteens

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Paper Girls, Season 1 (2022) (Amazon Prime)

Paper Girls, Season 1
I fell in love — FELL IN LOVE — with the comic book series, having binged and wrote about the last fifteen issues in the matter of about two weeks. I started watching the TV show immediately after finishing the comic book; something I had been looking forward to ever since I heard it coming out. I binged the eight episodes in about four days. Note: This was all months ago. I decided to go in order and post the final three storylines over the course of roughly 15 weeks before finalizing this particular post. I don’t know why that matters, but it felt like something to point out. I don’t really owe you an insight into my process. You’re welcome!

The Premise

Four 12-year-old girls get together to deliver papers the morning after Halloween, 1988:
–Erin Tieng (Riley Lai Nelet), the mild-mannered “new girl”.
–Tiff Quilkin (Camryn Jones), the smart girl.
–Mac Coyle (Sofia Rosinsky), the tough girl.
–KJ Brandman (Fina Strazza), the sporty girl.

Paper Girls, Season 1

All the titular paper girls! Mac’s at her bro’s house, though. Just pretend the lady on the left is a short-haired 12-year-old girl.

What begins as a normal post-Halloween morning in the sleepy Cleveland suburb of Stony Stream becomes a real hellish journey of time travel and its immediate, major repercussions. Their main goal is, and always will be, returning to their own timeline. That proves to be nearly impossible, and a couple of time travel-related war factions are kind of getting in the way of progress. The Old-Timers want to preserve the timeline by any — any — means necessary. The STF Underground wants to change the past for the betterment of the future. Needless to say, shit never stops hitting the fan, and the four girls are caught in the middle.

Among the time travel shenanigans, Erin meets her 40-year-old self and becomes disillusioned by her future lack of success! Tiff meets her 23-year-old self and becomes disillusioned by her perceived future dream abandonment and lack of success! KJ observes her 23-year-old self and learns the easy way that she’s a lesbian! Mac observes her future self and learns that she’s six feet underground! Everyone has fun with these revelations, I assure you.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Hilarious!

My Half-Baked Thoughts

This is the part where I gripe about the differences between the comic book and the TV series, right? How low would I have to sink to waste my and your time by banging out a bunch of nerd shit like that?

So there are a lot of differences between the comic book and TV series, and you’re going to hear me gripe about it!

Notably: Rob Corddry’s brother plays some guy named Larry? Please.

I was worried upon a first impression, since they pack the first five issues within the pilot episode at a breakneck pace. The kids are riding around the neighborhood soaking in all the weirdness for about half the episode, then suddenly Erin is shot, then she’s ok, then Heck and Naldo save her, then they meet Adult Erin. It was jarring. Before I learned there was a planned Season 2 — the show was cancelled anyway — I expected to see all 30 issues crammed into eight episodes. No good! I loved the pacing of the comic series, and I didn’t want some speedy storytelling in the TV series to ruin the incredibly important character-driven progression.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!

Relieved I was, but still wary, when Episodes 2 and 3 proved that the TV show was going to go its own way. The STF Underground faction with the aforementioned Larry (Nate Corddry, by the way). Mac meeting up with her doctor brother, who attempts a fresh start with her after a semi-hostile childhood. Then there was more: KJ returning to her own house in 1999 and discovering her 23-year-old self’s love of film studies (and her homosexuality). Mac visiting her own grave in 1999 after learning she died of cancer at age 16. Tiff founding the Quilkin Institute. Adult Erin dying in a giant Transformer robot that only she could control. The Prioress’ relentless Terminator-style pursuit of the girls by any — and I do mean any — means necessary.

Hell, even some of the characterizations were different. Tiff is pretty arrogant. Erin is pretty angsty. The other two were pretty much spot on. I gotta hand it to Sofia Rosinsky for her portrayal of Mac, she was incredible. My favorite character by far, and Rosinksy more than met my expectations. The highlight of the show, I always looked forward to Mac’s screen time. The amount of range she showed with the tough guy façade coupled with moments of vulnerability and sadness, I thought it was brilliant. Favorite sarcastic moment, paraphrased: “Yep, my birthday is July 5th. I’m a Cancer.”

Paper Girls, Season 1

Don’t be sad, Mac. I’m sure some other streaming service will pick up Season 2!

Speaking of characterization, Jason Mantzoukas as Grand Father was fucking perfect, holy god. What a great casting choice. There’s a scene where he describes to Mac (and maybe KJ, I don’t remember) the ramifications of messing with the timeline. He uses Mac’s cassette tape as an analogy wherein he describes the tape degrading each time one tapes over it, eventually snapping. He ruins her tape to make a point. Not only did I enjoy the analogy, but a whole scene involving something nostalgic like a cassette tape was fun to watch.

Paper Girls, Season 1

In the role he was born to play: a slightly grumpy, aging man who was born in 11,706 BCE! Or, if you will, “guy with a beard”.

I really don’t have much to gripe about. Although not entirely faithful to the comic, I loved watching every minute of this show and it ACHES me, PAINS me, HURTS me, STINGS me, and KILLS me that this got cancelled. Fuck you Amazon Prime Video. Fuck you Jeff Bezos, throw some money at this so that they can at least make a Season 2. It’s been a while since I liked a show this much, and now that I’ll never get more Paper Girls I’m going to enter a fit of rage from which I will never recover and/or escape!

Nah, I’m good. See ya in the funny pages! See, that’s a little bit of newspaper humor for you.

Worth the Watch?

Have you read anything I just wrote? Go watch this series right now before I take a poo all over your face.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Now with 33% more tampon theft.


Click here to ridicule this post!