Star Wars: Lost Stars by Claudia Gray

Star Wars Storytime Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Star Wars: Lost Stars
by Claudia Gray

Publication Date:
September 4, 2015

Timeframe:
11 BBY – 5 ABY

Synopsis:
The reign of the Galactic Empire has reached the Outer Rim planet of Jelucan, where aristocratic Thane Kyrell and rural villager Ciena Ree bond over their love of flying. Enrolling at the Imperial Academy together to become fighter pilots for the glorious Empire is nothing less than a dream come true for the both of them. But Thane sours on the dream when he sees firsthand the horrific tactics the Empire uses to maintain its ironclad rule.

Star Wars: Lost Stars

GUEST REVIEW!

Star Wars: Lost Stars

Special guest reviewer Marty Drumpus!

Lost Stars, at surface level, appears to be a coming-of-age tale about two children, with vastly different backgrounds, growing up together and falling in love. On a deeper level, which isn’t much deeper than the surface level, this garbage book from the swamp is a mundane tale of two teenagers who just want to fuck each other for years and can’t. As someone who wants to fuck someone and can’t, this rubbish extremely insults those of us who can’t get girls to look in our direction even after donning the most dapper of fedoras. This is a completely unrealistic tale of two children who have a friendship so strong that they don’t even think about fucking each other for years! YEARS! A boy can’t have a friendship with a girl without wanting sex with her. It’s just biology!

You should have heard how loudly I groaned and moaned every time these two were worlds apart, yet still longed for each other. It’s like, hello? Star Destroyers are full of guys who would want to fuck Ciena! All Ciena had to do was look a nice guy in the eyes and smile and he would have shown her a great time. He would have used all his credits to purchase chocolates and roses and a nice candlelit dinner. But no, she never gave the nice guys a chance.

Don’t get me started on Thane Kyrell, that bastard. He doesn’t know how good he has it. I understand that the Empire is evil, and that the powers-that-be just want to rule the galaxy with fear and intimidation. They want to blow up any planets with populations of traitors and rebels and defectors. I understand that Thane became so disillusioned by the Empire and its corruption of morality and decency that he had no choice but to fake his death and escape the military… but, come on. Ciena was right there for the fucking! Are you kidding me? This guy who grew up with the girl of his dreams decides to leave her, possibly forever, over a finely-tuned moral compass?? I would have stuck with the Empire’s military, grinning and bearing it while riding out my service, so I could hit that shit! Any time I wanted?! WHY WOULD THANE KYRELL JUST LEAVE THAT? What an idiot!

And these characters just happened to be at the right place at the right time for each major event of the original trilogy? Unlikely! Millions upon millions of Imperial soldiers and members of the Rebel Alliance, and Thane and Ciena are there for everything? The explosion of the first Death Star, the battle on Hoth, and the explosion of the second Death Star? Um, how is that possible?? I’m having a heart attack over here!

I hate this book! I hate it with the flaming passion of seven hundred fiery suns! I’m going to take my copy and drop it in the toilet and then take a big dump on it! Fuck you, Claudia Gray! I should have never picked up Lost Stars, especially since it was written by a woman!

TOM’S REVIEW!

Star Wars: Lost Stars

Tom, the Cool Guy

This book was pretty great. I like a good coming-of-age tale, and this is one of the best ones I’ve read in a long time. Possibly ever. Thane and Ciena start as youngins from different classes in the same part of town, and they meet at a Imperial ceremony celebrating the Empire’s new acquisition of their planet. They become fast friends and spend the majority of their formative years flight training with each other. They form a special bond, one which is put under the test several times through the course of the novel as Thane’s disillusionment of the Empire grows until he defects to the Rebel Alliance and Ciena’s disillusionment of the Empire grows until she grins and bears it for reasons of honor and loyalty.

The characterizations and growth of Thane and Ciena are so believable that they seem like real people. The story progresses at a pace that matches the slow development of their respective internal conflicts. This is my first Star Wars novel and I can’t compare it to any of the other 700 Star Wars novels, but I find it unlikely that anyone else treats the Empire as a morally ambiguous entity. Lost Stars shows the human side of the “bad guy”. We see young kids go through academy training and become fresh-faced, proud Imperial officers with nothing but good intentions. True friendships. Depictions of decency and integrity with shades of gray from both sides of the war.

Major events from the original trilogy take place from Thane’s and/or Ciena’s perspective. Thane is proud of the Death Star until it destroys Alderaan, and the billions of innocent people along with it. Ciena loses friends when the Rebels destroy the Death Star. Many battles ensue where the two likely face off, such as the battle on Hoth, where both of them are terrified of killing one another. Thane loses friends during each battle against the Empire. Ciena meets Darth Vader and is intimidated by his hateful presence. Ciena sees Emperor Palpatine and is repelled. Ciena is ordered to chase down the Millennium Falcon through the asteroid field in a fruitless mission that causes needless casualties. Thane keeps hearing names like “Luke Skywalker” and “General Calrissian” and rolling his eyes at these Rebel Alliance showboats. It made it all the more enjoyable to see how minor universe characters were impacted by the actions of the main movie characters. The obliteration of Alderaan which, let’s be honest, wasn’t treated at all with the emotional weight it deserved in A New Hope. Princess Leia barely blinked. In Lost Stars, multiple people are deeply affected in profound, long-lasting ways. That’s some better storytelling. That’s some good shit.

As for the actual romance part of the plot, I didn’t have a problem with it. I have a pretty high tolerance for romance anyway as long as it’s TASTEFUL and WELL-WRITTEN. Lost Stars exceeds expectations in both respects. It’s implied that Thane and Ciena fuck twice and I was actually invested in their eventual consummation. I’m glad they did it! And I didn’t even roll my eyes or sneer or anything like that… not really. Maybe a little. I mean, come on, how in-love could you possibly get?

The ending wasn’t very happy, but at least it was realistic. Ciena is detained by the Rebel Alliance as a war criminal indefinitely. Thane is optimistic that they can get through this, but the reader knows that shit’s not gonna get better! That’s what you get for serving the Empire, lady. Maybe next time you won’t serve the Empire with such gusto.

WORTH A READ?

Yes. Take it from me, I have only working knowledge of the Star Wars universe and I don’t even know what a Bantha is and I loved this book. It’s basically a fantasy/adventure romance story that just happens to have words like “Tatooine” and “Sith” in it. A perfect first dip into Star Wars literature. I heard there might even be a Lost Stars 2! That would rule.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Black Sheep”

* Part 6 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Black Sheep”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan spends about 45 minutes battling a man-shark, then Black Hand gets his black hand back.

You’re all caught up. Here’s the “thrilling” conclusion of the storyline!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [December, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Black Sheep”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Nice cover art, all like “RRRAAAWWWRR LOOK AT MY GARGANTUAN BLACK HAND”. It’s bigger than an entire fleet of jets! It’s bigger than the world and the moon! Gimme a high five! *slam*

“That shark-thing just leaped right out of the water and grabbed him,” announces a sexy sailor. He’s on a ship with other sexy sailors, discussing Hal Jordan’s fight with man-bear-shark. They’re looking for an incandescent green light, but they sure don’t see an incandescent green light. They see bubbles as far as the eye can see, they do!

Out of the water comes an enormous spaceship, big enough to beam up the entire sexy sailor ship and give them all sexy probes. “Get me General Stone at Edwards,” radios the ship captain, like Stone is going to be able to do a damn thing about it. That guy looks like he huffs and puffs tying his shoes.

Meanwhile, on the spacecraft, those little German-speaking demons have the man-shark contained and are desperately trying to wake up Hal Jordan. Or do something with him, at any rate. Have their way with him? A telepathic signal from Hector Hillsdale Hunky-Dory Hammond causes Hal to bolt upright. Hammond himself is having trouble with these imps. “I told you they were back!” he shrieks as one is messing with his gross, exposed brain.

Hal’s ring informs them that they’re gremlins. “A race of capitalist scientists from the planet Krolot known for their obsession with the re-engineering of technological and biological resources from other cultures.” What, really? These guys? They look like they’re going to scurry around the walls with spiders and rats.

“They’re harvesting me,” Hammond says, rather glumly. “And the shark. They’re going to sell us – as living weapons to an intergalactic warrr.” Hammond drools like a doofus, tears streaming down his cheeks. I want to kill him myself, I’m so tired of looking at his awful face. It’s atrocious.

Something suddenly incapacitates Jordan. It makes him hold his head and go “HAKK”! “You know what?” says a voice. “You’ll be the twenty-third person I’ve killed today.”

Who else is showing up in the mess of a comic book? None other than Black Hand, of course. “Death is good. And death wants you back,” he tells Jordan as a mysterious pink beam flows from Black Hand’s not-black hand to Jordan’s chest. Jordan pulls up a green forcefield to block the energy.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

And Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Phish Food, for sure.

Black Hand has a score to settle here. Jordan took his hand! His poor hand! Reduced it to a smelly, cauterized stump! Well, two can play it this game. Time to reduce your life to a smelly, cauterized stump! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Hal’s ring warns him that the shield can’t hold shortly before the shield no longer holds! Black Hand blasts him across the room with fervent energy. “You’re what the gremlins are looking to improve upon. Even with that ring, you’re still human.”

Yes yes, poor vulnerable Hal Jordan. He requires reinvigoration via gremlins. Like a health spa. For what reason? Fuck if I know. We were just battling man-sharks moments ago.

While Black Hand strangles the life out of him, Hal has flashbacks of himself as a young lad. His mom makes him promise her that he’ll never become a pilot. He cries as he says “I promise”. A promise he obviously broke! Don’t ever depend on Hal Jordan, the slimy little weasel. He’ll stab you in the back 45 times at Slenderman’s request.

General Stone and his Air Force Platoon Company Squadron Buddies are flying around and striking the spaceship with their ballistics and heat-seaking missiles! Gremlins start swarming the Air Force jets. “We got company. Ugly little bastards, too.”

Man-shark wakes up with his containment tube. Hammond wants Hal to shoot him visions and memories of Carol Ferris, that sexy little piece. Hal tells Hammond to cork it.

Man-shark crashes out of his tube. Gremlins do a double-take. Man-shark starts chasing after the gremlins. This comic sucks.

While man-shark and the gremlins are busy, Black Hand and Hal Jordan carry on with their skirmish. Hal Jordan’s flashbacks continue…

“She made it crystal clear. You’re not welcome. And the state she’s in, I’m not going to let you upset her.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“You can’t be surprised she’s acting like this. You broke your promise.”

“I was a ten-year-old kid.”

“And still, every time you snuck out of the house and hit an airfield, it was like slapping her in the face.”

Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Hal old boy! Now your mom hates you to ‘til death does she part. This is what you get for following your dreams!

“How do I fix it?”

“You can’t fix everything Hal.”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Especially not the refrigerator, obviously. It’s been broken for months.

So Hal quits the Air Force to make his mom happy, but she died, like, minutes beforehand. That’s an lol from me. Hal sees visions of visiting her grave. Then he sees visions of identifying his brother Jack’s body.

“Death,” says Black Hand.

“I’m not afraid of death,” says Hal.

“No… but you hate it, don’t you? You hate death.”

Yeah, who doesn’t? Exploiting such a weakness is fish in a barrel, Black Hand.

“No… I just hate you!” Hal retorts. Then he fashions a blade out of his green lanterny light and chops off Black Hand’s hand again! Hilarious! He goes “Arrr!”

“You’re telling me how powerful death is… but without life, death is nothing. You’re proof of that,” Hal tells Black Hand before opening up a grave in the ground and dumping him into it. “No…” is all Black Hand has to say about this before Hal covers up the hole.

Anticlimactic as shit.

There’s still the spaceship to take care of. “Jordan! We’re crashing!” Hammond yells telepathically as the fiery spaceship spirals out of control. Hal conjures up some giant robot and saves the ship. The end.

“Since we halted work on the X-2020, Hangar 44 has been empty,” General Stone fesses up to Hal. “But since it’s already secured and equpped to house alien technology, transforming it into a containment unit for extra-terrestrial threats wasn’t a stretch.”

Hector Hammond. Black Hand. The Manhunter. Everything but the man-shark, they didn’t account for that one. But it looks like everyone is suddenly gone! So let’s move on!

General Stone has an new idea to target these aliens. “There’s an organization in the pentagon I think I can get access to.”

Jordan is half-listening. He’s staring at a photo of his dad in General Stone’s office.

General Stone kisses it every day before he leaves for home.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #6

“Untranslatable” translates to “goddamn mothercunting”, actually.

We wrap up with Hal Jordan meeting up with a German-speaking space creature named Tagort and his buddy Venizz. They’re both Green Lanterns of Sector Whatever. Hal Jordan still has the spaceship in tow, and he thanks them for taking it off his hands. He finds out that German isn’t actually the language, it’s Krolotean! They sound similar because Hitler conquered Krolot in 1944.

Hector Hammond is in stasis in Hangar 44. “Green Lantern saved me, yes, he did. You should have seen it. Oh, it was simply delightful. A true memory to cherish.”

He’s chatting with the head of a Manhunter, also in stasis.

“I was rescued by the greatest Green Lantern there ever was.”

“NO MAN ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS.”

“Oh, you’re no fun to talk to!”

Hammond does let his bionic friend in on a little secret: he knew they were coming for him, and he knew Green Lantern would stop them. He’s a free man now. The gremlins, they opened him up and pulled out his cortex and did more experiments.

“And… well…” he smiles, drooling. “Things are a little different now.”

Final Thoughts

Geez, was this bad. At least this writeup was super short! I’m tabling this one for a bit. Geoff Johns can suck a lime. Until next time, Green Lanternites, this is Tom signing off with a “nanu nanu”.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Paper Girls, Season 1 – Time-Travelling Sad Preteens

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Paper Girls, Season 1 (2022) (Amazon Prime)

Paper Girls, Season 1
I fell in love — FELL IN LOVE — with the comic book series, having binged and wrote about the last fifteen issues in the matter of about two weeks. I started watching the TV show immediately after finishing the comic book; something I had been looking forward to ever since I heard it coming out. I binged the eight episodes in about four days. Note: This was all months ago. I decided to go in order and post the final three storylines over the course of roughly 15 weeks before finalizing this particular post. I don’t know why that matters, but it felt like something to point out. I don’t really owe you an insight into my process. You’re welcome!

The Premise

Four 12-year-old girls get together to deliver papers the morning after Halloween, 1988:
–Erin Tieng (Riley Lai Nelet), the mild-mannered “new girl”.
–Tiff Quilkin (Camryn Jones), the smart girl.
–Mac Coyle (Sofia Rosinsky), the tough girl.
–KJ Brandman (Fina Strazza), the sporty girl.

Paper Girls, Season 1

All the titular paper girls! Mac’s at her bro’s house, though. Just pretend the lady on the left is a short-haired 12-year-old girl.

What begins as a normal post-Halloween morning in the sleepy Cleveland suburb of Stony Stream becomes a real hellish journey of time travel and its immediate, major repercussions. Their main goal is, and always will be, returning to their own timeline. That proves to be nearly impossible, and a couple of time travel-related war factions are kind of getting in the way of progress. The Old-Timers want to preserve the timeline by any — any — means necessary. The STF Underground wants to change the past for the betterment of the future. Needless to say, shit never stops hitting the fan, and the four girls are caught in the middle.

Among the time travel shenanigans, Erin meets her 40-year-old self and becomes disillusioned by her future lack of success! Tiff meets her 23-year-old self and becomes disillusioned by her perceived future dream abandonment and lack of success! KJ observes her 23-year-old self and learns the easy way that she’s a lesbian! Mac observes her future self and learns that she’s six feet underground! Everyone has fun with these revelations, I assure you.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Hilarious!

My Half-Baked Thoughts

This is the part where I gripe about the differences between the comic book and the TV series, right? How low would I have to sink to waste my and your time by banging out a bunch of nerd shit like that?

So there are a lot of differences between the comic book and TV series, and you’re going to hear me gripe about it!

Notably: Rob Corddry’s brother plays some guy named Larry? Please.

I was worried upon a first impression, since they pack the first five issues within the pilot episode at a breakneck pace. The kids are riding around the neighborhood soaking in all the weirdness for about half the episode, then suddenly Erin is shot, then she’s ok, then Heck and Naldo save her, then they meet Adult Erin. It was jarring. Before I learned there was a planned Season 2 — the show was cancelled anyway — I expected to see all 30 issues crammed into eight episodes. No good! I loved the pacing of the comic series, and I didn’t want some speedy storytelling in the TV series to ruin the incredibly important character-driven progression.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!

Relieved I was, but still wary, when Episodes 2 and 3 proved that the TV show was going to go its own way. The STF Underground faction with the aforementioned Larry (Nate Corddry, by the way). Mac meeting up with her doctor brother, who attempts a fresh start with her after a semi-hostile childhood. Then there was more: KJ returning to her own house in 1999 and discovering her 23-year-old self’s love of film studies (and her homosexuality). Mac visiting her own grave in 1999 after learning she died of cancer at age 16. Tiff founding the Quilkin Institute. Adult Erin dying in a giant Transformer robot that only she could control. The Prioress’ relentless Terminator-style pursuit of the girls by any — and I do mean any — means necessary.

Hell, even some of the characterizations were different. Tiff is pretty arrogant. Erin is pretty angsty. The other two were pretty much spot on. I gotta hand it to Sofia Rosinsky for her portrayal of Mac, she was incredible. My favorite character by far, and Rosinksy more than met my expectations. The highlight of the show, I always looked forward to Mac’s screen time. The amount of range she showed with the tough guy façade coupled with moments of vulnerability and sadness, I thought it was brilliant. Favorite sarcastic moment, paraphrased: “Yep, my birthday is July 5th. I’m a Cancer.”

Paper Girls, Season 1

Don’t be sad, Mac. I’m sure some other streaming service will pick up Season 2!

Speaking of characterization, Jason Mantzoukas as Grand Father was fucking perfect, holy god. What a great casting choice. There’s a scene where he describes to Mac (and maybe KJ, I don’t remember) the ramifications of messing with the timeline. He uses Mac’s cassette tape as an analogy wherein he describes the tape degrading each time one tapes over it, eventually snapping. He ruins her tape to make a point. Not only did I enjoy the analogy, but a whole scene involving something nostalgic like a cassette tape was fun to watch.

Paper Girls, Season 1

In the role he was born to play: a slightly grumpy, aging man who was born in 11,706 BCE! Or, if you will, “guy with a beard”.

I really don’t have much to gripe about. Although not entirely faithful to the comic, I loved watching every minute of this show and it ACHES me, PAINS me, HURTS me, STINGS me, and KILLS me that this got cancelled. Fuck you Amazon Prime Video. Fuck you Jeff Bezos, throw some money at this so that they can at least make a Season 2. It’s been a while since I liked a show this much, and now that I’ll never get more Paper Girls I’m going to enter a fit of rage from which I will never recover and/or escape!

Nah, I’m good. See ya in the funny pages! See, that’s a little bit of newspaper humor for you.

Worth the Watch?

Have you read anything I just wrote? Go watch this series right now before I take a poo all over your face.

Paper Girls, Season 1

Now with 33% more tampon theft.


Click here to ridicule this post!

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

* Part 2 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #7! In the previous installment, the youngins are having some trouble adjusting to their time travel situation. Jean Grey needs to learn how to control the dozens of thoughts that constantly invade her head. Cyclops needs to learn how to not steal Wolverine’s motorcycle and cruise around town. Angel needs to learn about why his future self is so happy and/or has metal wings. Young Beast and Young Iceman weren’t in the picture yet, but rest assured that each is having their own struggles involving mutant-related trauma or constant furious masturbation.

There’s also this chick named Raven who caught wind of 12-year-old Cyclops blasting the hell out of Wolverine while downtown. She wants to see this for herself, I guess. That doesn’t seem too interesting to me! I’d rather see Wolverine launch Young Cyclops into the sun.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [April, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Ooooh, how very seductive! This Raven chick really knows how to melt Cyclops’ butter, it seems! Maybe she’ll be thrown in jail for statutory rape and the threat will be effectively eliminated and we can all go home to our “loved ones”.

Young Cyclops attempts to meander around Manhattan incognito, and by that I mean he puts on a hat. People are staring at him anyway because he has his stupid red visor on. He enters a bank where he spots a People magazine on a table in the lobby: “The Avengers Mutant Cover Up?” Scandalous!

Everyone eyeballs this kid. He’s not very inconspicuous. “Can I help you?” asks the rather attractive young secretary. “I need help with one of the safety deposit boxes,” Cyclops mumbles. He doesn’t have keys. He doesn’t have two forms of identification. He still wears day-of-the-week underwear, for the love of Hell.

He has ONE form, though! *takes off hat* Check it out, toots! I’mmmm Cyclops!

“Oh my God. You look a lot older on TV.”

“I am older on TV.”

A real cut-up! I like (read: dislike) this kid! The secretary asks him to follow her. She has a little X-Men insignia pinned to her lapel.

“Are you a mutant?”

“Oh my God, I wish.”

“You wish?”

“You know what I did yesterday?”

“No.”

“Same thing I did the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that.”

Life is boring, we get it. Cool story. Safety deposit box, pls. She shows him what he’s looking for. “I’ll leave you to it,” and she walks out of there.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Panel presented without comment. Also, lol.

Scotland Summer finds a nifty pair of blocky red glasses in the box, along with stacks upon stacks of $100 bills and a passport… and an invitation. In fancy lettering, “The honor of your presence is requested.” Maybe it’s Professor Xavier’s funeral! Wouldn’t that be something?!

Meanwhile, the secretary is gossiping to a coworker about the little pisspants that’s in the safety deposit box room. The genocidal maniac! The guy with the red eyeballs. James Marsden in the flesh! The coworker is all like “that guy is wanted by the police” and the secretary is like “no don’t” and then the coworker calls over security. Some Sam Elliott guy named Jerry. What’s he going to do to the kid? Wiggle his mustache at him?

Cyclops scoops out everything from the box and heads his way out…

…and then he’s confronted…

…by…

…BY…

“Are you done wasting my day?” Wolverine sneers, arms hell of akimbo. He all but grabs the 12-year-old by the ear and “escorts” him off the premises. The guards have their guns aimed at them, but Wolverine flashes his X-Men Diners Club Card and tells the guards to stuff it. “This means whatever security guard school you graduated from doesn’t mean a damn because because Capt. America told me that this means you do what I say.”

Badass motherfucker. No wonder he’s 1000x better than Cyclops. The guards don’t back down entirely, but they do have worried faces. INCLUDING unflappable Jerry! Wolverine continues hollering at these guys and playing the mutant card. “You can’t pull a gun on someone for walking into a bank. He didn’t rob the bank.”

Then he turns to Cyclops to confirm this. It is confirmed. Sorta.

“If you shoot me, it won’t hurt me and I will cut off your hands. I’ll go back to wherever I came from and you won’t have hands.”

The guards take this threat seriously. The worried faces get amped up. Then they let them go, because what else are they gonna do? You can’t jerk off without hands. That would nullfiy their entire existences.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

How about a knuckle sandwich from Fist City, you brat.

Wolverine drags the petulant Cyclops to the alley to give him a one-on-one heart-to-heart. It is revealed, indirectly, that someone is taking the form of Wolverine. “I needed someone you would believe and someone they would be afraid of… he was my only choice, really…”

Cyclops makes an O face. Now for a commercial break!

*dancing hot dogs tell you to buy mustard*

And we’re back!

“My name is Raven,” says Raven. “I am a mutant. A shape-shifter. A friend of Charles Xavier.”

LET ME DO SOME QUICK RESEARCH ON RAVEN HERE… Ah yes, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t think this lady is a good guy.

Cyclops continues his unrelenting O face. He’s all like “WUH” and “BUH” and she continues calmly explaining who she is, why she’s here, and all the adversity she has faced. “A lot has happened since you first joined the X-Men but sadly the days of me walking around as my beautiful blue self without causing a riot are still a little far away. I think we should talk.”

She appears sad, but I know she’s working on manipulating the little prick. She drags him back to the school grounds, where she takes the form of a student and lets him spill his guts. Hank McCoy brought them all here to the future to help stop the mutant civil war. “He’s a liar,” Cyclops says of McCoy. “He brought us here to punish me. He’s mad about Xavier.”

Probably! He’s going to take all his aggression out on you, kid. He’s going to twist your nipples with pliers.

Cyclops calls McCoy a son of a bitch, but Raven tells him that McCoy is right. Things have been chaotic and Old Cyclops is a lot of the reason why lately. Young Cyclops rubs the back of his head. “I have to be doing all of this for a reason. I have to truly believe that this is for the best interest of our people.”

Nah. He’s gone bananas, is all. Raven puts a hand on his shoulder. Listen, kid, Old Cyclops was allegedly under some kind of voodoo spell! YOU would never kill Charles Xavier on purpose, right? Well, neither would he! MAYBE!

Young Cyclops wants to talk to his older self, but Raven advises him to first confront Hank McCoy and tell him to STFU. Cyclops doesn’t want to do it. There are literally billions of other kids in the school. Why should the burden be on him?

Because you’re fuckin’ Scott Summers. That’s why.

So what’s Raven’s investment in all this? Huh? Huh? Well? It’s because Charles Xavier was the only one who respected her as a person and a mutant. In return, she respected him, and she wants to do what she can to help Cyclops figure this out for himself. How touching! Again, manipulation. It’s all about manipulation, and this kid seems very pliable. It must be all the torturous nipple twisting that made him so subservient.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Leap off a bridge.

When asked what Raven would do if she were him, she transforms into Old Cyclops as if he were butting in like he owns the conversation. “I would go back to the school and lead my team.”

EEK! GENOCIDAL MANIAC! RUN!

Old Cyclops would want Young Cyclops to realize that the mutant school has become a bastardized version of itself and shut it down. Then Old Cyclops would want Young Cyclops to shut him down. Preferably with a baseball bat right to the temple. Then he wants himself to know everything he knows now. “That would be amazing.”

No way. This kid is 12. He wants to play Animal Crossing right now. “Why don’t you do it?” he asks Raven. It’s because she’s not him! Pay attention! HE’S Scott Summers! NOT her, goddamnit!

“Have you been to the school?” she asks him.

“Yes.”

“Did you like what you saw?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?!” she gets angry now and starts ranting about how Wolverine took over the school to train the youngsters to become “feral killing machines”. She then walks away. “Wolverine has tracked you. He’s on his way here.”

EEK! FERAL KILLING MACHINE! RUN!

Raven’s last tip is for Young Cyclops to keep a notebook and jot down all the mutants’ behaviors and actions. “For strategy, yeah?” Yeah, sounds great. Have the kid keep tabs, then steal the notebook. This moron will probably do it, too. No wonder he grows up to be an awful loser.

“Did you try to rob a bank?” Wolverine snarls as he pulls up in his jeep.

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” Cyclops asks.

“I just met you.”

“No. I mean me – the adult me.”

I know where this is going! Wolverine’s going to say that he has fantasized about the idea of squishing Cyclop’s head like a grape for the better part of 60 years! “Maybe I’ve lived long enough to know that killing is the easiest thing. Saving someone is a lot damn harder. Maybe it was Charles Xavier who taught me that.”

Poignant. This Xavier guy was infallible, wasn’t he? Do I have to make a joke about how he can’t even walk for the trillionth time?

Raven walks downtown incognito, and a car containing a shadowed stranger asks her why she’s helping Cyclops. And, of course, she’s not. It’s all a ploy. No shit.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Cool, I approve of this plan! However, you don’t light a fuse on a dropped bomb, but I’ll let that one slide.

Back at the School of Hard Knocks, Kitty Pryde is treating her new charges like she’s a drill instructor, asking them to do 50 push-ups like they ain’t squishy and weak. “Bobby Drake…” she says, “you want to live here in the present, you want to train here… I’m training you.”

“I can make ice with my body,” he whines.

“Your flabby baby-boy body.”

“Now you listen here, lady, I’ve been an X-Man for–”

“For what? About three weeks?”

“I fought Magneto!”

“Yes, I saw the footage. You threw snowballs at him.”

This is going well. Pryde offers Iceman to come over there and punch her. No powers. Just a slug right in the face. She’ll never bug him with training again! Let’s go, punk.

“I’m not hitting a girl.” He looks forlorn. Pryde calls him dumb. “Drop and give me fifty or show me you can fight like a man, Iceboy.”

He goes “WAAAGGH!” and takes his swing. She flips him over on his back. That’s that! Training continues!

At this time, Wolverine has dragged Scott Summer’s petulant ass back to the school grounds. He says nothing. All he does is hand Jean Grey the invitation that he found in the safety deposit box.

It’s for Scott Summers and Jean Grey’s wedding. Grey gasps. Summers walks away sullen.

Final Thoughts

Well, that is pretty sad, actually. Even I can’t really make fun of that, can I?

Time to get those nipples twisted! Wubba lubba dub dub!


Click here to ridicule this post!

Fray, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Big City Girl”

* Part 1 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Big City Girl”!

I’ve been wanting to dig into the Buffyverse comics for a long time, even before I started reading comic books. When I learned that subsequent seasons of Buffy would appear in comic book form, I was extremely skeptical. Fuck comic books, I thought! Children’s entertainment! Lowbrow! Then I realized that it was going to be the only way to get more Buffy, so the idea of reading these comic books became slightly more appealing as time went on. Then, when I started my whole comic book extravaganza adventure, I wanted to hit the Buffy stuff as soon as possible. It saddens me that it took this long.

I’m reading the entire Buffyverse in order, which means all the Angel stuff and Spike stuff and side stories and one shots. This means starting with Fray, a limited series written by Joss Whedon that was meant to be a futuristic spin-off of Buffy. I know nothing about it, but it kicks everything off proper and I look forward to seeing what Whedon cooks up here.

Onward. I’ve got a long journey ahead of me.

Fray, Issue #1 [June, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter One: Big City Girl”

Fray, Issue #1

You can tell it’s the future because a young woman is crouched on the corner of the roof of a tall building pointing laser gun of sorts at some baddie climbing up the side. There are also cars flying around. Welcome to the future. The future looks bleak.

“Bad day,” the young woman thinks. “Started bad, stayed that way.”

A demon leaps fancifully around a graveyard. An off-panel conversation is underway.

“She is discovered.”

“We’re certain it’s she?”

“We are.”

The Watchers have found her. There hasn’t been been one in 200 years, but there is one now! Stop arguing.

The demon heads toward a large stone shaped like an angry bald dude with an open mouth. The open mouth leads to large stone staircase. The demon descends.

“They mean to approach her. To begin the cycle anew.”

“That must not be.”

Oh, it be all right. It very be. The demon enters a gigantic chamber with a large pit in the center full of skeletons and desiccated corpses.

“You overstep your bounds. She must be intercepted.”

“We have summoned Urkonn. He will deal with her.”

The demon finds a trapdoor in the ground, opens it up, and descends further.

“He’ll not fail. She’s but a mortal.”

“What is she called?”
“Fray. Melaka Fray.”

lol, “Melaka”. Pretty much the Greek insult. Good choice of first name there, Joss. And yes, I’m talking about your own first name, Joss.

Fray, Issue #1

Hey, my existence isn’t pointless! For example, I’m reading Fray by Joss Whedon! …ok, point taken.

The demon approaches an even bigger demon! He gives the little demon the ol’ side-eye. And that’s the end of the intro!

“cue Friends opening credits music*

Melaka Fray looking cyberpunky, flying around town shooting lasers. She expounds upon the earlier mentioned bad day. Fingernail in the breakfast. Some dude named Gunther giving her a job in the Uppers. Some dude named Ruebrin and his cohorts knocking Fray off the roof. “…well, actually, that was kinda fun.”

She lands with a WHUMP on a flying Oldsmobile-looking thing. If this were real life (AND WHO’S TO SAY THAT IT ISN’T??), she just broke her back. “The trick is to use every obstacle you can. Turn one big drop into lots of little ones.” She descends on a lot of little drops: lands on another car, grabs onto an antenna, braces herself for a less-than-ideal impact on the street. SMASH. Right on the face. If this were real life (AND WHO’S TO SAY THAT IT ISN’T??), she just broke all her teeth.

“See? You killed her,” says a guy who is not named Jesu. The other guy, Jesu, he grabs Fray from the street and holds her in a headlock. “Just give up the grab, don’t make a scene.”

Fray kicks him in the knees, then (presumably) scratches his eyes, then a foot right in the crotch. Right in the danglers. That’s going to leave a mark. The other guy, the guy who isn’t Jesu, he has his fancy future gun aimed at her head. She aims her own at his head. “Well,” he says. “It appears we have a stand-off.”

KCHZZZZZZZZ!! Blasted right in his face. Oh baby.

“I don’t have a stand-off…” she says while this guy thinks he just died. “Tell Ruebrin to keep his claws off of Gunther’s grab… Gunter works the west side. Ruebrin starts pushing, there’s gonna be a war. Ready for a war?”

The guy’s holding his hands to his eyes going “bluuuhb” and “hrrrnnn” while Fray gives him the business. “Haddyn’s a big district. Everybody keeps to themselves, everybody gets happy.”

She hitches a ride on the bottom of a hover bus and flies her way to her next destination.

Fray, Issue #1

The standard courteous greeting in the future. Learn it or else you might offend somebody.

Fray is meeting Gunther in his office. “I don’t much like waiting, but there’s one thing you can count on with Gunther… He likes to make an entrance.”

The lights click on in his office, revealing a glass floor over a large pool. The pool contains a scary merman creature! “Melahhhka… at lasst you’re here.”

Gunther is a Radie, which is like a mermaid only Radier! As in, mutated by radiation. Gunther’s not that creepy, Fray claims, but he looks pretty danged creepy to me. It doesn’t help that all the office furniture is above the glass. Unsettling! Not really, but I’m painting a picture for you here, goddamnit!

“Besides, creepy or not, Gunther’s the boss.”

Fray has returned with the grab: a necklace with an emerald pendent. “You didn’t tell me Ruebrin was after this thing. Put my on a pretty ice patch.” She dangles the thing above him so that he can see through the glass. She looks ready to give him one of those Thai shit shows, if you catch my drift (hopefully you don’t). Fray demands some hazard pay, but Gunther thinks that kind of request is beneath her. Speaking of beneath her…

Anyway, she’s not coughing up the goods for less than “seventy coi”. She then ruminates over whether or not she should attempt to push it with Gunther. She’s about ready to give up and take what she can get when Gunther says he’ll give her “three sil” for it. This must be a lot. She tries not to hyperventilate. She plays it cool. “Well, all right… but I’m not letting you off that cheap next time. It’s just ‘cause I like you.”

Fray, Issue #1

Yeah, it seems pretty SIL-ly if you ask me! Wubba lubba dub dub!

She leaves. He verbalizes his wish for her to show up in a skirt some day. Joss kills it with the sexual harrassment! As usual.

“Gunther’s not sentimental. I may be his best runner but I’m just a runner, so why the big bonus?” Is it a contract to bind her for the unforseeable future? Or is it some sort of severence package? Or maybe he’s just got a lot of money burning a hole in his merman pockets! He seems like a nice guy. Very… squishy…

Fray walks through the dark alleys and senses something behind her: a few ratty-looking zombie creatures. “Lurks. I don’t like Lurks.” These Lurks look like nice guys! Very… drooly… One of them is a lady Lurk, she looks like she’d be hot if she weren’t such a Lurk. I like saying “Lurk”. Lurk.

She’s about to get Lurked, but the police arrive to fuck with her shit. “Melaka Fray, stand down and offer submission,” the woman in the flying cop car says before it lands and she emerges. Tight red leather suit, trench coat. “Hello Officer, what can I do for you?” Fray says sweetly. Like a sugar-coated fist to the throat.

The cop asks what she’s doing out here. She inquires about Gunther, which causes Fray to get defensive about her association with the Radie. That’s not why the cop is here though, heh heh? Did she scare ya? BOO! Ha! No, she’s here because of a nearby robbery. “Ancient amulet, taken from the wall safe of a senator.” It’s priceless! And ancient! “Someone who looks exactly like you was seen fleeing – or, um, falling – from the scene.”

Guess what, toots? She ain’t know nothin’ ‘bout no amulet. All she’s being doing tonight is playing Bingo with the old folks and kickin’ the can with Mugsy and the Boys. No acquiring of the amulet, no selling to Gunther, no three sil, no shoes, no shirt, no service.

These two have a history. The cop comments on Fray’s excessive body ornamentation, and Fray thinks she’s looking for a bribe. “I didn’t think you dealt in solid anymore, strictly credits in the Uppers, isn’t that right?” She comments on this cop’s whiz-bang sergeant promotion and how she can now afford whatever she wants, which causes the cop to look down sheepishly. “For God’s sake, Mel, stop it,” she says quietly.

The cop is named Erin. She’s not here to ruffle Fray’s feathers. She doesn’t even have feathers, dogg. She just wants to help keep Fray out of trouble. Fray doesn’t want her help.

These two have a history, all right! Sisters! How’s that for some family drama?

Fray, Issue #1

Melaka stole Erin’s Tamagotchi and there’s been a grudge for the last 15 years over it. Who can blame her?

Erin makes a quip that Melaka isn’t good at taking care of anyone, last she checked. There’s a quick flashback of Melaka running with a man away from someone. Or something. “You bitch,” she says. So this guy died? He looks like Clark Kent. That guy can’t die, he has too much yellow sun coursing through his veins! Something like that, right?

Melaka storms off.

Next scene! Versi is a terrible slum, the biggest warren in Haddyn. A milky-eyed girl with half an arm missing is happy to see Melaka show up. “Versi is the kind of place the kids in the Uppers have never even read about. It isn’t safe, and it isn’t clean. It’s home.”

The girl rambles on and on about nothing, as young girls do, but within the blah-blah-blah there’s mention of a bald man who was looking for Fray. He said she was “Chosen”. Like a vampire Slayer! I wonder where Joss got that idea? Probably stole it from the guy who created Buffy. What a tool!

The bald man is still there, politely trying to get Fray’s attention. He looks like he’s wearing a black clergy oufit, but it’s dripping with what I hope is just water. “You… are the Chosen… I am not worthy to come before you… you will save us…” Great, it’s some creep. Looking to get your jollies, creep? Step off, creep.

Fray, Issue #1

That’s plenty of looking like I committed an awful crime for one day.

Fray is more bewildered than anything else. “You will protect us,” the man continues. “End the scourge…” He pulls out a lit match; the girl comments that the man smells like gas. “You will cleanse us all…” he goes full-on… that monk who set himself on fire… and sets himself on fire!

“Guy lights himself on fire,” Fray thinks. “What’s that all about?”

Looking out for Versi more than anything, since she isn’t to keen on this dumbass possibly burning down the whole warren, Fray decides to tackle the guy over the edge of a pier and into the stinkin’ river. Satisfied with the whole dousing-the-self-immolating-guy thing, she hoists herself out of the river and returns to her own quarters. “I’m not gonna let it get to me. I’ll take a bath, crawl into bed… forget about everything.”

“’Cause, hey. It may have been a pretty bad day…”

“…but at least it’s over.”

Pan to why it’s not over. Fray enters her apartment and clicks on her light. Behind her is an enormous, horned demon. Just squatting in her apartment waiting. Looking all like the kind of demon you’d see on Buffy. Looking like all kinds of cheap makeup.

Final Thoughts

This is pretty good already. Some real anti-hero shit. I’m already looking forward to the long, long journey ahead.

I don’t have much else to say. Time to get some Doritos!


Click here to ridicule this post!