All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

* Part 2 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #7! In the previous installment, the youngins are having some trouble adjusting to their time travel situation. Jean Grey needs to learn how to control the dozens of thoughts that constantly invade her head. Cyclops needs to learn how to not steal Wolverine’s motorcycle and cruise around town. Angel needs to learn about why his future self is so happy and/or has metal wings. Young Beast and Young Iceman weren’t in the picture yet, but rest assured that each is having their own struggles involving mutant-related trauma or constant furious masturbation.

There’s also this chick named Raven who caught wind of 12-year-old Cyclops blasting the hell out of Wolverine while downtown. She wants to see this for herself, I guess. That doesn’t seem too interesting to me! I’d rather see Wolverine launch Young Cyclops into the sun.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [April, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Ooooh, how very seductive! This Raven chick really knows how to melt Cyclops’ butter, it seems! Maybe she’ll be thrown in jail for statutory rape and the threat will be effectively eliminated and we can all go home to our “loved ones”.

Young Cyclops attempts to meander around Manhattan incognito, and by that I mean he puts on a hat. People are staring at him anyway because he has his stupid red visor on. He enters a bank where he spots a People magazine on a table in the lobby: “The Avengers Mutant Cover Up?” Scandalous!

Everyone eyeballs this kid. He’s not very inconspicuous. “Can I help you?” asks the rather attractive young secretary. “I need help with one of the safety deposit boxes,” Cyclops mumbles. He doesn’t have keys. He doesn’t have two forms of identification. He still wears day-of-the-week underwear, for the love of Hell.

He has ONE form, though! *takes off hat* Check it out, toots! I’mmmm Cyclops!

“Oh my God. You look a lot older on TV.”

“I am older on TV.”

A real cut-up! I like (read: dislike) this kid! The secretary asks him to follow her. She has a little X-Men insignia pinned to her lapel.

“Are you a mutant?”

“Oh my God, I wish.”

“You wish?”

“You know what I did yesterday?”

“No.”

“Same thing I did the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that.”

Life is boring, we get it. Cool story. Safety deposit box, pls. She shows him what he’s looking for. “I’ll leave you to it,” and she walks out of there.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Panel presented without comment. Also, lol.

Scotland Summer finds a nifty pair of blocky red glasses in the box, along with stacks upon stacks of $100 bills and a passport… and an invitation. In fancy lettering, “The honor of your presence is requested.” Maybe it’s Professor Xavier’s funeral! Wouldn’t that be something?!

Meanwhile, the secretary is gossiping to a coworker about the little pisspants that’s in the safety deposit box room. The genocidal maniac! The guy with the red eyeballs. James Marsden in the flesh! The coworker is all like “that guy is wanted by the police” and the secretary is like “no don’t” and then the coworker calls over security. Some Sam Elliott guy named Jerry. What’s he going to do to the kid? Wiggle his mustache at him?

Cyclops scoops out everything from the box and heads his way out…

…and then he’s confronted…

…by…

…BY…

“Are you done wasting my day?” Wolverine sneers, arms hell of akimbo. He all but grabs the 12-year-old by the ear and “escorts” him off the premises. The guards have their guns aimed at them, but Wolverine flashes his X-Men Diners Club Card and tells the guards to stuff it. “This means whatever security guard school you graduated from doesn’t mean a damn because because Capt. America told me that this means you do what I say.”

Badass motherfucker. No wonder he’s 1000x better than Cyclops. The guards don’t back down entirely, but they do have worried faces. INCLUDING unflappable Jerry! Wolverine continues hollering at these guys and playing the mutant card. “You can’t pull a gun on someone for walking into a bank. He didn’t rob the bank.”

Then he turns to Cyclops to confirm this. It is confirmed. Sorta.

“If you shoot me, it won’t hurt me and I will cut off your hands. I’ll go back to wherever I came from and you won’t have hands.”

The guards take this threat seriously. The worried faces get amped up. Then they let them go, because what else are they gonna do? You can’t jerk off without hands. That would nullfiy their entire existences.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

How about a knuckle sandwich from Fist City, you brat.

Wolverine drags the petulant Cyclops to the alley to give him a one-on-one heart-to-heart. It is revealed, indirectly, that someone is taking the form of Wolverine. “I needed someone you would believe and someone they would be afraid of… he was my only choice, really…”

Cyclops makes an O face. Now for a commercial break!

*dancing hot dogs tell you to buy mustard*

And we’re back!

“My name is Raven,” says Raven. “I am a mutant. A shape-shifter. A friend of Charles Xavier.”

LET ME DO SOME QUICK RESEARCH ON RAVEN HERE… Ah yes, Jennifer Lawrence. I don’t think this lady is a good guy.

Cyclops continues his unrelenting O face. He’s all like “WUH” and “BUH” and she continues calmly explaining who she is, why she’s here, and all the adversity she has faced. “A lot has happened since you first joined the X-Men but sadly the days of me walking around as my beautiful blue self without causing a riot are still a little far away. I think we should talk.”

She appears sad, but I know she’s working on manipulating the little prick. She drags him back to the school grounds, where she takes the form of a student and lets him spill his guts. Hank McCoy brought them all here to the future to help stop the mutant civil war. “He’s a liar,” Cyclops says of McCoy. “He brought us here to punish me. He’s mad about Xavier.”

Probably! He’s going to take all his aggression out on you, kid. He’s going to twist your nipples with pliers.

Cyclops calls McCoy a son of a bitch, but Raven tells him that McCoy is right. Things have been chaotic and Old Cyclops is a lot of the reason why lately. Young Cyclops rubs the back of his head. “I have to be doing all of this for a reason. I have to truly believe that this is for the best interest of our people.”

Nah. He’s gone bananas, is all. Raven puts a hand on his shoulder. Listen, kid, Old Cyclops was allegedly under some kind of voodoo spell! YOU would never kill Charles Xavier on purpose, right? Well, neither would he! MAYBE!

Young Cyclops wants to talk to his older self, but Raven advises him to first confront Hank McCoy and tell him to STFU. Cyclops doesn’t want to do it. There are literally billions of other kids in the school. Why should the burden be on him?

Because you’re fuckin’ Scott Summers. That’s why.

So what’s Raven’s investment in all this? Huh? Huh? Well? It’s because Charles Xavier was the only one who respected her as a person and a mutant. In return, she respected him, and she wants to do what she can to help Cyclops figure this out for himself. How touching! Again, manipulation. It’s all about manipulation, and this kid seems very pliable. It must be all the torturous nipple twisting that made him so subservient.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Leap off a bridge.

When asked what Raven would do if she were him, she transforms into Old Cyclops as if he were butting in like he owns the conversation. “I would go back to the school and lead my team.”

EEK! GENOCIDAL MANIAC! RUN!

Old Cyclops would want Young Cyclops to realize that the mutant school has become a bastardized version of itself and shut it down. Then Old Cyclops would want Young Cyclops to shut him down. Preferably with a baseball bat right to the temple. Then he wants himself to know everything he knows now. “That would be amazing.”

No way. This kid is 12. He wants to play Animal Crossing right now. “Why don’t you do it?” he asks Raven. It’s because she’s not him! Pay attention! HE’S Scott Summers! NOT her, goddamnit!

“Have you been to the school?” she asks him.

“Yes.”

“Did you like what you saw?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?!” she gets angry now and starts ranting about how Wolverine took over the school to train the youngsters to become “feral killing machines”. She then walks away. “Wolverine has tracked you. He’s on his way here.”

EEK! FERAL KILLING MACHINE! RUN!

Raven’s last tip is for Young Cyclops to keep a notebook and jot down all the mutants’ behaviors and actions. “For strategy, yeah?” Yeah, sounds great. Have the kid keep tabs, then steal the notebook. This moron will probably do it, too. No wonder he grows up to be an awful loser.

“Did you try to rob a bank?” Wolverine snarls as he pulls up in his jeep.

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” Cyclops asks.

“I just met you.”

“No. I mean me – the adult me.”

I know where this is going! Wolverine’s going to say that he has fantasized about the idea of squishing Cyclop’s head like a grape for the better part of 60 years! “Maybe I’ve lived long enough to know that killing is the easiest thing. Saving someone is a lot damn harder. Maybe it was Charles Xavier who taught me that.”

Poignant. This Xavier guy was infallible, wasn’t he? Do I have to make a joke about how he can’t even walk for the trillionth time?

Raven walks downtown incognito, and a car containing a shadowed stranger asks her why she’s helping Cyclops. And, of course, she’s not. It’s all a ploy. No shit.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Cool, I approve of this plan! However, you don’t light a fuse on a dropped bomb, but I’ll let that one slide.

Back at the School of Hard Knocks, Kitty Pryde is treating her new charges like she’s a drill instructor, asking them to do 50 push-ups like they ain’t squishy and weak. “Bobby Drake…” she says, “you want to live here in the present, you want to train here… I’m training you.”

“I can make ice with my body,” he whines.

“Your flabby baby-boy body.”

“Now you listen here, lady, I’ve been an X-Man for–”

“For what? About three weeks?”

“I fought Magneto!”

“Yes, I saw the footage. You threw snowballs at him.”

This is going well. Pryde offers Iceman to come over there and punch her. No powers. Just a slug right in the face. She’ll never bug him with training again! Let’s go, punk.

“I’m not hitting a girl.” He looks forlorn. Pryde calls him dumb. “Drop and give me fifty or show me you can fight like a man, Iceboy.”

He goes “WAAAGGH!” and takes his swing. She flips him over on his back. That’s that! Training continues!

At this time, Wolverine has dragged Scott Summer’s petulant ass back to the school grounds. He says nothing. All he does is hand Jean Grey the invitation that he found in the safety deposit box.

It’s for Scott Summers and Jean Grey’s wedding. Grey gasps. Summers walks away sullen.

Final Thoughts

Well, that is pretty sad, actually. Even I can’t really make fun of that, can I?

Time to get those nipples twisted! Wubba lubba dub dub!


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Fray, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Big City Girl”

* Part 1 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Big City Girl”!

I’ve been wanting to dig into the Buffyverse comics for a long time, even before I started reading comic books. When I learned that subsequent seasons of Buffy would appear in comic book form, I was extremely skeptical. Fuck comic books, I thought! Children’s entertainment! Lowbrow! Then I realized that it was going to be the only way to get more Buffy, so the idea of reading these comic books became slightly more appealing as time went on. Then, when I started my whole comic book extravaganza adventure, I wanted to hit the Buffy stuff as soon as possible. It saddens me that it took this long.

I’m reading the entire Buffyverse in order, which means all the Angel stuff and Spike stuff and side stories and one shots. This means starting with Fray, a limited series written by Joss Whedon that was meant to be a futuristic spin-off of Buffy. I know nothing about it, but it kicks everything off proper and I look forward to seeing what Whedon cooks up here.

Onward. I’ve got a long journey ahead of me.

Fray, Issue #1 [June, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter One: Big City Girl”

Fray, Issue #1

You can tell it’s the future because a young woman is crouched on the corner of the roof of a tall building pointing laser gun of sorts at some baddie climbing up the side. There are also cars flying around. Welcome to the future. The future looks bleak.

“Bad day,” the young woman thinks. “Started bad, stayed that way.”

A demon leaps fancifully around a graveyard. An off-panel conversation is underway.

“She is discovered.”

“We’re certain it’s she?”

“We are.”

The Watchers have found her. There hasn’t been been one in 200 years, but there is one now! Stop arguing.

The demon heads toward a large stone shaped like an angry bald dude with an open mouth. The open mouth leads to large stone staircase. The demon descends.

“They mean to approach her. To begin the cycle anew.”

“That must not be.”

Oh, it be all right. It very be. The demon enters a gigantic chamber with a large pit in the center full of skeletons and desiccated corpses.

“You overstep your bounds. She must be intercepted.”

“We have summoned Urkonn. He will deal with her.”

The demon finds a trapdoor in the ground, opens it up, and descends further.

“He’ll not fail. She’s but a mortal.”

“What is she called?”
“Fray. Melaka Fray.”

lol, “Melaka”. Pretty much the Greek insult. Good choice of first name there, Joss. And yes, I’m talking about your own first name, Joss.

Fray, Issue #1

Hey, my existence isn’t pointless! For example, I’m reading Fray by Joss Whedon! …ok, point taken.

The demon approaches an even bigger demon! He gives the little demon the ol’ side-eye. And that’s the end of the intro!

“cue Friends opening credits music*

Melaka Fray looking cyberpunky, flying around town shooting lasers. She expounds upon the earlier mentioned bad day. Fingernail in the breakfast. Some dude named Gunther giving her a job in the Uppers. Some dude named Ruebrin and his cohorts knocking Fray off the roof. “…well, actually, that was kinda fun.”

She lands with a WHUMP on a flying Oldsmobile-looking thing. If this were real life (AND WHO’S TO SAY THAT IT ISN’T??), she just broke her back. “The trick is to use every obstacle you can. Turn one big drop into lots of little ones.” She descends on a lot of little drops: lands on another car, grabs onto an antenna, braces herself for a less-than-ideal impact on the street. SMASH. Right on the face. If this were real life (AND WHO’S TO SAY THAT IT ISN’T??), she just broke all her teeth.

“See? You killed her,” says a guy who is not named Jesu. The other guy, Jesu, he grabs Fray from the street and holds her in a headlock. “Just give up the grab, don’t make a scene.”

Fray kicks him in the knees, then (presumably) scratches his eyes, then a foot right in the crotch. Right in the danglers. That’s going to leave a mark. The other guy, the guy who isn’t Jesu, he has his fancy future gun aimed at her head. She aims her own at his head. “Well,” he says. “It appears we have a stand-off.”

KCHZZZZZZZZ!! Blasted right in his face. Oh baby.

“I don’t have a stand-off…” she says while this guy thinks he just died. “Tell Ruebrin to keep his claws off of Gunther’s grab… Gunter works the west side. Ruebrin starts pushing, there’s gonna be a war. Ready for a war?”

The guy’s holding his hands to his eyes going “bluuuhb” and “hrrrnnn” while Fray gives him the business. “Haddyn’s a big district. Everybody keeps to themselves, everybody gets happy.”

She hitches a ride on the bottom of a hover bus and flies her way to her next destination.

Fray, Issue #1

The standard courteous greeting in the future. Learn it or else you might offend somebody.

Fray is meeting Gunther in his office. “I don’t much like waiting, but there’s one thing you can count on with Gunther… He likes to make an entrance.”

The lights click on in his office, revealing a glass floor over a large pool. The pool contains a scary merman creature! “Melahhhka… at lasst you’re here.”

Gunther is a Radie, which is like a mermaid only Radier! As in, mutated by radiation. Gunther’s not that creepy, Fray claims, but he looks pretty danged creepy to me. It doesn’t help that all the office furniture is above the glass. Unsettling! Not really, but I’m painting a picture for you here, goddamnit!

“Besides, creepy or not, Gunther’s the boss.”

Fray has returned with the grab: a necklace with an emerald pendent. “You didn’t tell me Ruebrin was after this thing. Put my on a pretty ice patch.” She dangles the thing above him so that he can see through the glass. She looks ready to give him one of those Thai shit shows, if you catch my drift (hopefully you don’t). Fray demands some hazard pay, but Gunther thinks that kind of request is beneath her. Speaking of beneath her…

Anyway, she’s not coughing up the goods for less than “seventy coi”. She then ruminates over whether or not she should attempt to push it with Gunther. She’s about ready to give up and take what she can get when Gunther says he’ll give her “three sil” for it. This must be a lot. She tries not to hyperventilate. She plays it cool. “Well, all right… but I’m not letting you off that cheap next time. It’s just ‘cause I like you.”

Fray, Issue #1

Yeah, it seems pretty SIL-ly if you ask me! Wubba lubba dub dub!

She leaves. He verbalizes his wish for her to show up in a skirt some day. Joss kills it with the sexual harrassment! As usual.

“Gunther’s not sentimental. I may be his best runner but I’m just a runner, so why the big bonus?” Is it a contract to bind her for the unforseeable future? Or is it some sort of severence package? Or maybe he’s just got a lot of money burning a hole in his merman pockets! He seems like a nice guy. Very… squishy…

Fray walks through the dark alleys and senses something behind her: a few ratty-looking zombie creatures. “Lurks. I don’t like Lurks.” These Lurks look like nice guys! Very… drooly… One of them is a lady Lurk, she looks like she’d be hot if she weren’t such a Lurk. I like saying “Lurk”. Lurk.

She’s about to get Lurked, but the police arrive to fuck with her shit. “Melaka Fray, stand down and offer submission,” the woman in the flying cop car says before it lands and she emerges. Tight red leather suit, trench coat. “Hello Officer, what can I do for you?” Fray says sweetly. Like a sugar-coated fist to the throat.

The cop asks what she’s doing out here. She inquires about Gunther, which causes Fray to get defensive about her association with the Radie. That’s not why the cop is here though, heh heh? Did she scare ya? BOO! Ha! No, she’s here because of a nearby robbery. “Ancient amulet, taken from the wall safe of a senator.” It’s priceless! And ancient! “Someone who looks exactly like you was seen fleeing – or, um, falling – from the scene.”

Guess what, toots? She ain’t know nothin’ ‘bout no amulet. All she’s being doing tonight is playing Bingo with the old folks and kickin’ the can with Mugsy and the Boys. No acquiring of the amulet, no selling to Gunther, no three sil, no shoes, no shirt, no service.

These two have a history. The cop comments on Fray’s excessive body ornamentation, and Fray thinks she’s looking for a bribe. “I didn’t think you dealt in solid anymore, strictly credits in the Uppers, isn’t that right?” She comments on this cop’s whiz-bang sergeant promotion and how she can now afford whatever she wants, which causes the cop to look down sheepishly. “For God’s sake, Mel, stop it,” she says quietly.

The cop is named Erin. She’s not here to ruffle Fray’s feathers. She doesn’t even have feathers, dogg. She just wants to help keep Fray out of trouble. Fray doesn’t want her help.

These two have a history, all right! Sisters! How’s that for some family drama?

Fray, Issue #1

Melaka stole Erin’s Tamagotchi and there’s been a grudge for the last 15 years over it. Who can blame her?

Erin makes a quip that Melaka isn’t good at taking care of anyone, last she checked. There’s a quick flashback of Melaka running with a man away from someone. Or something. “You bitch,” she says. So this guy died? He looks like Clark Kent. That guy can’t die, he has too much yellow sun coursing through his veins! Something like that, right?

Melaka storms off.

Next scene! Versi is a terrible slum, the biggest warren in Haddyn. A milky-eyed girl with half an arm missing is happy to see Melaka show up. “Versi is the kind of place the kids in the Uppers have never even read about. It isn’t safe, and it isn’t clean. It’s home.”

The girl rambles on and on about nothing, as young girls do, but within the blah-blah-blah there’s mention of a bald man who was looking for Fray. He said she was “Chosen”. Like a vampire Slayer! I wonder where Joss got that idea? Probably stole it from the guy who created Buffy. What a tool!

The bald man is still there, politely trying to get Fray’s attention. He looks like he’s wearing a black clergy oufit, but it’s dripping with what I hope is just water. “You… are the Chosen… I am not worthy to come before you… you will save us…” Great, it’s some creep. Looking to get your jollies, creep? Step off, creep.

Fray, Issue #1

That’s plenty of looking like I committed an awful crime for one day.

Fray is more bewildered than anything else. “You will protect us,” the man continues. “End the scourge…” He pulls out a lit match; the girl comments that the man smells like gas. “You will cleanse us all…” he goes full-on… that monk who set himself on fire… and sets himself on fire!

“Guy lights himself on fire,” Fray thinks. “What’s that all about?”

Looking out for Versi more than anything, since she isn’t to keen on this dumbass possibly burning down the whole warren, Fray decides to tackle the guy over the edge of a pier and into the stinkin’ river. Satisfied with the whole dousing-the-self-immolating-guy thing, she hoists herself out of the river and returns to her own quarters. “I’m not gonna let it get to me. I’ll take a bath, crawl into bed… forget about everything.”

“’Cause, hey. It may have been a pretty bad day…”

“…but at least it’s over.”

Pan to why it’s not over. Fray enters her apartment and clicks on her light. Behind her is an enormous, horned demon. Just squatting in her apartment waiting. Looking all like the kind of demon you’d see on Buffy. Looking like all kinds of cheap makeup.

Final Thoughts

This is pretty good already. Some real anti-hero shit. I’m already looking forward to the long, long journey ahead.

I don’t have much else to say. Time to get some Doritos!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Feeding Frenzy”

* Part 5 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Feeding Frenzy”! In the previous installment, the Guardians are starting to dispatch new rings to various sectors. The Green Lantern Corps is reinstating!

Meanwhile, the drooling giant-headed telekinetic guy in prison is named Hector Hammond (did I know that yet? Who cares.) and he means business! If by “business” you mean “mind-raping Hal Jordan for his precious memories about fuckin’ broads”, then boy does he ever mean it! Hammond mentions “they”, whoever “they” are, have been experimenting on him. “They” also have an experiment going on in Coast City, which appears to be some man-shark entity terrorizing the river. That’s out of left field, because I was under the impression that Manhunters were the big threat right now, but apparently it’s now man-sharks.

The military hit an alien dude with their jeep outside of the Air Force base too, and an autopsy revealed that it’s actually a human evolved a few million years or so. Not even from the future! Something fishy is going on there.

Anything else? Oh yeah, my penis is caught in my zipper, so I must be Ben Stiller. Hi everybody.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [November, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Feeding Frenzy”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5

BLACK WATER!
GREEN DEATH!

Not exciting in the least. If anything, I want to read this less! Take that, you fucking lantern.

The fun-filled issue begins on a commercial airline flight. A man reads a newspaper while a businessman sitting next to him yammers about corporate-related nonsense. I didn’t even read it all, and it was like three sentences! He’s headed to Coast City for a fresh start, that much I know.

The man with the newspaper scans an obituary. Franklin H. Anderson, 69, of Star City. The businessman introduces himself as Jerry and reaches out to shake the man’s hand, but he is greeted with an awful stump! It’s quite a disgusting-looking stump; it looks cauterized and there are veins popping and it’s simply awful. “It still hurts,” is how he introduces himself back. The guy has these maniacally red eyes. I imagine no blinking as he describes his hand adventure. “I can feel it. My knuckles cracking apart as they rot away. Tendons snapping as the skin burns. And finger bones clattering as the flesh of my palm is miraculously transformed into ash. All thanks to a vengeful God.”

Jerry looks uncomfortable! But that’s not even close to as disturbing as what happens next. The plane flies through some blinding light, and a group of ethereal demons that look like Chozo Ghosts from Metroid yell in German as they take over the plane. The passengers are horrified as the demons grab Stumpy, who yells at them to get off of him. Like “GET OFFA ME!” Like that.

Back at Edwards Air Force Base, Hal Jordan’s flight gets cancelled in favor of Captain Pearlman. “General Stone wants to see you A.S.A.P.” Col. Shane Poopypants Magoo says to him as Pearlman grins. “Ya needed a real pilot anyhow,” she says as she shoots Hal a look that says “I’m never going to fuck you, so don’t even think about it.”

Hal is ticked off. This General Stone knucklehead is getting in the way of all the flying he wants to do by telling him that he can’t fly! It’s a horrible situation!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5

You don’t get to tell me what should be on my priority list! Eating Pizza Rolls and jerking off are at least within the top four.

Hal “Green Lantern Jordan” Jordan is going to get involved in that brutal man-shark killing. The body was found yesterday, and his family demands answers. Here’s an answer: the military is performing experiments, ma’am. It’s a small price to pay for raising a man-shark army!

On the beach, Hal scopes out the crime scene. An officer holds his hand to his mouth, fighting back his nausea. “The only reason they knew it was him was by the tattoo on his arm,” he says, wondering too if it is indeed his arm. The remains of the guy are just a pile of guts and bones in the sand.

“I’ve just never seen a man’s skull cracked open like a coconut and the brain eaten,” says another officer, strapping on some anal probe gloves. “It looks like it was licked clean.” They find a shark tooth in the sand. Hal has an inkling about this, so he dives into the water to do some man-shark butt kicking.

No man-shark seen, but there are regular sharks aplenty. More sharks than you can shake a shark stick at! Too many sharks! It’s unusual, but maybe they were following an even bigger predator to grab its scraps. But what?! And from whence?!

Oh, there it is. That was easy.

So Hal forms a barricade around himself, which the man-shark starts gnashing into. This is going to take a while, let’s see what’s going on elsewhere.

TERREBONNE PARISH, LOUISIANA. At the dang prison where Hector Hammond’s head keeps on getting bigger and bigger until it explodes, splashing the entire prison cell with chocolate syrup. How predictable.

Hammond gets water dumped on his head. Bath time! He sits there in an undignified manner as the water runs down his face. Brian Thomer is the guard taking care of him today, and he’s a boring motherfucker. Hammond doesn’t want to deal with him. He watches repeats of Law & Order and eats TV dinners every single night. No girlfriend. Not exciting! Not Hal-caliber! Pah!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Guten tag, Herr Hammond! Hast du soap, shampoo, or a breath mint?

Suddenly, these little German demons surround Hammond’s chair. “Das experiment war ein erfolg,” one says, which I think translates to “Hector Hammond smells like toilet minestrone”. Hammond freaks out at these imps. “You leave me alone now. You leave me be. You’ve done enough!!!!” That’s right, four exclamation points.

The man-shark tries to bang through the cage in order to chew up Hal Jordan for a bit. “This thing has no name. No real name. It’s been swimming in the waters off Coast City for a decade. A shark super-evolved millions of years by a freak accident. Evolved just like Hector Hammond. And that body at Edwards.” Hal wonders if this shark is the Coast City experiment that Hammond was talking about (probably). Or maybe this is yet another Hammond Mind Game™.

Hal talks to the creature like it’s going to start speaking English back to him, then gives up and blasts him in the mouth instead. “Ring. Scan and report the contents of his stomach.”

The ring reports that his stomach is full of ox semen and potato skins from T.G.I.Friday’s. Plus a bunch of fish. Oh, and a man and a woman. Also, some radioactive substance and an extraterrestrial tracker. And some bull semen.

“A tracker?” Hal exclaims, obviously not concerned about the two types of semen. “Let’s get that out. See who’s keeping tabs on you.”

The man-shark starts penetrating Hal’s force field, astoundingly enough, and begs for brains like some sort of man-shark-zombie. Its teeth are two inches from Hal’s screaming, ugly face. He always liked a challenge!

They fight underwater. They tackle each other so hard that they bust through the hull of a Navy ship, which sucks for them. All kinds of seawater filling the place up while sailors go “AAHH!” and “UNNNHH!” and “ZZZRRPP”. The man-shark-zombie begs for blood. Hal ties him up with green light, allows him to bite his arm, and they both launch into space. Busting through the top of the ship now. If this thing doesn’t sink, I’ll eat one of my many hats.

PALMDALE, HILLSIDE PARK! The handless man from the airplane gets beamed down to the grass. His presence causes every living thing within a four foot radius to wither and die instantly. Feeling woozy, he puts his only hand against a tree, which dies immediately. Purple light emanates from his good hand and his stump. The other hand appears to be regenerating. Happy at first, the hand-regeneration starts fizzling out. Then it goes away as quickly as it came.

Inexplicably, he says the following while smiling: “…I smell something… I smell… death.”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Hey, great! I was wondering where I left my collection of used disposable celebrity enemas!

The man-shark attacks the ship. I don’t know why it, nor Hal, isn’t in space anymore. No matter, Hal’s gonna shoot it with his concussive missile fist. “Plug your ears, sailors,” he says as he basically blasts the fucking ship to pieces. Hal then leaves the destruction in his wake.

Ring levels are at 45.65%. Hal will need to recharge before he enters the water again, but as he grabs his battery, the man-shark leaps out of the water and bites his tender, supple torso!

“The shark keeps growing,” he thinks. “The hungrier he gets, the bigger he gets.” The man-shark drags Hal farther and farther down into the depths of the sea. Hal struggles to breathe even though he’s a Green Lantern with half his battery life left, and he can conjure up a snorkel if he so chooses.

No, Hal has a plan: he forces man-shark to bite the battery! Somehow! It explodes in a blinding green light, sending Hal flying in the opposite direction. The ring froze like a computer and needs a hard reset. I guess that’s something that rings need once in a while. Maybe a defrag here and there.

And the man-shark still persists.

Hal heads to the surface, desperate to make it back before he completely runs out of air. The man-shark tackles him again. Comics like these are boring. It’s all fight fight fight. I’d rather see some talk talk talk!

Hal is about to get hella killed… but then those German demons pop in like Kramer.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #5

We’re about to give you a night you’ll never forget, you hunk of man you.

“ER WIRD DIE MEISTE WERTSACHE ZU THANAGAR SEIN.” It’s like, are you ok? What is going on? Where are the goddamned Manhunters?

This dude with the stumpy appendage, he’s Black Hand. I sort of remember him from the Green Lantern: Rebirth mini-series. This asshole, this real piece of shit, the issue ends with him killing a whole hospital full of people. These people die and damn near turn into skeletons immediately with flies buzzing all around them. And he’s all like “yay, I’m getting my hand back!”

And he gets his hand back. To be continued.

Final Thoughts

What a load of baloney, sir! Why does this guy need his hand so much? For jerking off? And eating Pizza Rolls??

Sounds like a wonderful Thursday night!


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Robot & Frank (2012)

Tagline:
Friendship doesn’t have an off switch.

Wide Release Date:
August 24, 2012

Directed by:
Jake Schreier
Written by:
Christopher D. Ford
Produced by:
Lance Acord, Sam Bisbee, Jackie Kelman-Bisbee, Galt Niederhoffer

Starring:
Frank Langella
Susan Sarandon
Peter Sarsgaard
James Marsden
Liv Tyler

Robot & Frank

PREGAME THOUGHTS

My parents have been begging me to watch Robot & Frank for years. Every time they talk about new movies they’ve seen, they always turn to me with that glint in their eyes and go “Have you seen Robot & Frank yet???”

Well, this time I get to give them a wry smirk, kick my feet up on my desk, stick my thumbs under my suspenders, and tell him with full confidence “uh huh”.

I’m expecting something fluffy and heartwarming based on that sunny yellow poster with the old guy and the robot staring at each other. Friendship doesn’t have an off switch! That is, unless you become friends with me. My off switch is easy to access.

THE 450(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

The year is 2031 or 2058 or 3010. It’s somewhere in the future. Not too far in the future though, just far enough to have robot companions, large television-sized FaceTime screens, paper-thin telephones, and James Marsden! He plays Hunter, the titular Frank’s (Frank Langella) often exasperated son. You see, Frank has been losing his marbles lately and Hunter is tired of showing up to his cranky father’s house on a very regular basis to make sure he’s ok. And since he doesn’t want to put the old guy in a home, he buys him an incredibly expensive robot to take care of him and his increasingly cluttered and filthy house. The robot’s name is Robot (voiced by Peter Saarsgard).

Robot & Frank

“Thank you for taking me into your home, Frank. Whatever gets me away from James Marsden, please.”

Frank is unwilling at first to accept this robot companion. He complains and bitches and maintains a disposition of rudeness toward the automaton while it happily tends to his chores, provides assistance to Frank’s physical and mental health, and gifts him with various off-screen happy endings, I’m guessing. Frank changes his tune once he realizes that Robot, inherently, has no moral compass. Frank takes advantage of this by focusing his allotted recreational time on teaching Robot how to pick locks and involving him in some semi-nefarious heists! The local library is being renovated into a community center, much to librarian Jennifer (Susan Sarandon) and Frank’s distaste. Frank wrangles Robot into stealing a first edition copy of Don Quixote from the library as a gift for Jennifer.

Frank’s daughter, Maddie (Liv Tyler), is a philanthropist who finds robot servants morally reprehensible. She shows up to Frank’s house for few days to help out instead of the robot after having successfully put it in sleep mode. Frank, having warmed up to the companion, protests and acts out. Eventually, after Maddie admits to secretly booting up the robot to help overnight when the housework becomes too overwhelming, she concedes.

Robot & Frank

“Are you sure that the robot isn’t staring at us back there? I have a feeling that the robot is staring at us back there.”

Once he gets his robot back, he seeks revenge against the developer of the community center, Jake, by breaking into his home and stealing some of his wife’s expensive jewelry. It works, but Jake knows Frank did it even without proof. The police get involved and show up repeatedly, but Frank’s stays COOL AS A CUCUMBER. In order to cover his tracks, Frank mulls over whether or not to wipe Robot’s memory.

Frank’s own memory keeps getting worse and worse. Back at the library, Frank sees old photos of him and Jennifer that confirm that she is his ex-wife, but he doesn’t remember any of it. Robot convinces Frank to wipe his memory, arguing that he merely exists to serve and wiping his memory would serve him best. Frank agrees to move into an assisted care facility. While his family visits, he writes a note to Hunter telling him that the jewels are buried in the backyard.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Havin’ a Robot Buddy

How much would that rule? My house would be clean and I wouldn’t have the crippling social anxiety that comes from another actual person in my house. Everyone wins, especially the robot.

Robot & Frank

“I ain’t the spring chicken that I used to be, but I’ll still be able to snap that robot arm off like a twig.”

People are always afraid of their jobs being replaced with robots, but I welcome that with open arms. I’d send the fucking robot to the office every morning. Let him write reports and read specifications and look through microscopes and pour acid all over his fragile appendages. I’ll stay home, catch up on episodes of Weeds, and eat all sorts of delicious Lunchables. I will still be the one who will collect all the paychecks, and I’ll probably be the defendant in the landmark lawsuit Tom v. Robot wherein I’ll owe thousands of dollars to cover all the money I had wrongfully stolen. The jury’s verdict will be “Guilty. The Robot is sentient, maybe.”

Obviously, the best moments of the movie are Frank’s belligerent attitude with getting used to the robot, lashing out at the poor thing unfairly at every turn. I also appreciated the irony of Frank being passive-aggressive and difficult with James Marsden about accepting and keeping the robot, then he was passive-aggressive and difficult with Liv Tyler about getting rid of the robot. It’s nice that they became fast friends! Especially after all that lockpicking.

TOPIC 2 — Havin’ Dementia

If you’re unlucky, you’ll forget you’ll even have a robot buddy every single morning you wake up for the rest of your ancient, degrading life. That’s dementia, baby.

Robot & Frank

“I definitely don’t remember replacing the couch with large, uncomfortable,  polished balls.”

Dementia runs in my family, along with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, narcissism, and charming good looks! You can explain my entire blog-writing behavior through these disorders, I assure you. I often wonder if I will be succumbing to the deteriorating of my mushy little brain by the time I’m in my 70s, scrambling to remember the name of my two grandchild, Igor and Nermal. Forced to watch reruns of television shows I barely liked from the 1990s because my awful children will just park my degenerate ass in an uncomfortable rocking chair and leave me drooling and scrambling fiercely in a miserable straitjacket!

Frank is not afforded this awful existence, but he is certainly losing his marbles. Parallels are drawn between Frank’s faltering memory and his ability to wipe Robot’s memory to destroy evidence. He feels bad for his “friend” and realizes that his own family wouldn’t want to see Frank go the same way. Good to see that, in the end, Robot helped Frank even more than he could have ever predicted.

Don’t put me in an assisted living facility when I start going braindead. Just kill me. We’d all be much happier.

Robot & Frank

“Hey, can you get Fortnite on this thing?”

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Throughout the entire film, only once is the robot referred to by anything other than ‘Robot’. At approx 36:25 in the movie Mr. Darcy refers to “Robot” as VGC-60L.
Hey, that’s my license plate!

The vehicle that passes Frank when he is walking down the road is an available production car, a Tango by Commuter Cars. There are only twelve in existence, with a retail price of $240,000 each.
Can you imagine smashing one of those bad boys up with a fucking baseball bat? I’m getting chills just thinking about the catharsis.

Inspired a Malayalam language (Indian) movie named “Android Kunjappan”
Ahh, there’s always a fine line between “inspired” and “lead to complete ripoff”. I gotta watch me this Android Kunjappan, or as I like to call it, “Android Kunjappan & Frank”.

The framed photograph Frank drops in the opening scene is an actual shot of Langella and his two children, Frank III and Sarah.
I knew a Frank III. He was much better than his brothers Frank IV and Frank VI. Frank V died in a dinosaur attack.

Robot & Frank

“I see you have dragged me to the Suicide Woods again. What’s your point?”

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. It’s cute. There are myriad laughable moments, especially when Frank is being a complete jerk to the poor Robot. I’ll leave with this, my favorite exchange in the film:

Robot: “Frank, that cereal is for children. Enjoy this grapefruit.”
Frank: “You’re for children, stupid.”


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All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

* Part 1 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #6! More wacky hijinks from the wacky hijink-prone X-Men! In the previous storyline, Cyclops is trying to recruit an army of brand new young mutants to start a mutant revolution, but he also doesn’t really wanna either. Beast is dying of too-many-mutations-itis and travels back in time to convince the young original X-Men to travel forward in time and confront Cyclops to tell him he’s being a bad boy. Jean Grey goes through a fucking traumatic episode after learning she’s dead in the future.

Also, Cyclops, Magneto, and Emma Frost’s powers barely work anymore because of something called the Phoenix. Also, Cyclops had possessed the Phoenix and killed Professor Xavier, and that’s a big whoops! So everyone’s mad at him for that. He didn’t mean it. It was an accident!

The Young X-Men, after many issues of deliberating, decide to stay in the past and try to make things right. It’s probably not going to work. They’re going to make things worse.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [March, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

KITTY PRYDE HAS ASCENDED TO THE THRONE! Not only does she have working legs, but she can walk through walls and right into your bathroom stall! Try to poop when she’s around, you’ll never be safe again.

At the Jean Grey School of Pancakes, a young Jean Grey is peacefully sleeping in her bed until Cyclops and Magneto RAM THEIR WAY INTO HER ROOM to tell her that they’ve come to take her out of there. “They’re going to kill you!!” Cyclops screams in her face literally two seconds after they wake her up. She looks understandably alarmed.

The Wolverine rushes in and stabs her right through the throat with his point metal claws! All RRRAAARRRGGHHH about it! He then looks concerned as her eyes roll back during her whole bleeding out thing.

Then she wakes up. CRASH CLINK FUMP. Her startled jerking has caused a bunch of objects in the room to float and crash down to the floor. Pryde comes to visit to see if everything is ok, and everything is NOT ok! Death! DEEAATTTHH!! Pryde comments on how Grey just destroyed her own bedroom, but hey. Whatever. You’re just a guest and everything, nobody expects to you not destroy the fucking place. Thanks.

Grey hasn’t really been formally introduced to Kitty Pryde, who has been tasked with working with the young X-Men as long as they’re at the school. Grey starts crying and gushing about all the new, stressful shit she’s had to deal with in the last week. New telepathic powers, getting transported to the future, learning how she’s going to die, Kitty Pryde’s smelly unclean room. It’s a lot to handle. And she hopes the rest of the kids are ok. Pryde assures Grey that they’re fine, but she looks sideways in a manner that suggests they’re either dead or being tortured.

Young Scott stands up in front of the mess hall full of mutant freaks staring back at him. He frowns. “It’s a funny thing – yesterday I was the leader of the X-Men… that was yesterday. At least to me.” He excuses himself and walks away, still grappling with the fact that his future self becomes a homicidal maniac.

He finds himself in a garage of sorts where there is a whole slew of slick vehicles. X-Cars, X-Planes, X-Trucks. He hops on an X-Motorcyle and drives his X-Ass out of there while “Bad to the Bone” plays in the background.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

B-b-b-b-b-bad! B-b-b-b-b-bad!

Wolverine uses his special hearing powers that I guess he has, I don’t know, and hears Young Scott Summers VVVRRRROOOOMING off on his hog. So he runs out of the mess hall and follows him in a dumb-looking jeep or truck or something. I’m laughing because his eyes are pointed in different directions.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

Don’t drive drunk, kids! Duurrrrrr.

Jean Grey is still in the bedroom trying to clean everything the best she can while other objects continue to float around. Pryde lets her know that breakfast is being served in the mess hall, but Grey isn’t ready yet. Pryde comments that Grey’s “baby face” is going to take some getting used to, which is… uh… flattering? Grey is about to ask what Pryde’s mutant power is when her head is suddenly full of the thoughts of dozens of people in the school.

“Let’s go back to the subject at hand.”

“Hair in the shower is disgust–”

“What are they doing here?”

“Wolverine smells like a wet dog.”

“Has anyone seen Angel?”

“Taco Bell isn’t even food!”

And so on and so forth. Grey keels over in intense pain. Kitty Pryde tells her that these aren’t voices in her head. They’re thoughts. She’s not crazy schizo, sorry! Perhaps she’d like that better, but she’s just a mutant freakazoid. Grey cries while Pryde tells her to focus! Focus! *slap* Focus! *slap slap* Focus! *kick* Focus! *stab*

“In your head are 1000 little doors. You close each door. One by one, you close them.” Pryde puts her fingers to Grey’s forehead. “This is your brain,” she says, helpfully. “You control everything about yourself. Decide to do it and you will.”

Of the many, many thoughts swimming around these panels, there sure are a lot of them inquiring about Angel’s whereabouts. As you may remember (or not, depending on if you have more of a life than I do), he joined Cyclops in Uncanny X-Men, Issue #5! That may or may not actually have anything to do with what’s going on here anyway. And why anyone would actually be looking for this boring loser is up for debate.

Jean Grey takes a deep breath and the thoughts cease. Grateful, she thanks Pryde and asks who taught her that tactic in the first place. “You did,” Pryde responds, and we’ve entered a paradox. Who taught who first? Does the advice even exist at all? Far out, man.

They talk a little bit more. Pryde admired Jean Grey even though she was sometimes very tough on her. She lets a few negative thoughts slip, such as “I admired you only sort of” and “you plugged up the toilet too much”.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

Although you did owe me $50 before you went and rudely died, so there’s still that matter to settle.

Pryde takes Grey’s hand and tells her to start leading! She’s the leader of this little brigade even if she doesn’t want it. Storm comes into the room to corroborate this opinion: “It was you who convinced all of them to stay in this displaced time. They listen to you. You’re the leader.” Thanks, lady. She was trying to get out of it and then you show up to blab blab blab.

Usually Scott Summers is the leader, but no one likes him! And, by proxy, no one likes his younger self either. Plus, he skedaddled away on his X-Citebike. Speaking of the little pissant, Scott finds himself downtown looking around like he’s Marty McFly in the year 2015! Shit’s weird, like that guy with the haircut, and, uh, that car. He walks into the store and asks a young lady for a map. “A map? A map of the United States? Or the world? Doesn’t your phone have a map?”

Scott is confused! Buuhhh-what? Durr, a map on a phone? And what’s with all this bottled water? Back in my day, we–

“Wow!” The woman suddenly has a realization that Scott Summers looks like Scott Summers! That jerk who sucks! She pulls out a copy of Rolling Stone, of all magazines, with Old Cyclops on the cover. “You look just like him!”

Oh snap! He’ll take a copy of that magazine! Five dollars?! What the fuck happened in the future?? Back in my day, m–

Scott pulls out a wad of $100 bills. “Why does he have this much money in his pocket?” he asks himself. He doesn’t remember whose jacket this is. Mr. Monopoly’s?

“Because it’s none of your damn business,” Wolverine hisses in Scott’s ear. “Get your butt back on my bike and back to the school. You’re here less than 24 hours and you’re annoying me more than your other self, which is, I must say, quite–”

Scott is impudent! He tells Wolverine not to touch him, and also who the HELL does he think he is? Captain Jean-Grey-School?? Oh, the guy who took over after Scott Summers murdered Charles Xavier? That’s a pretty good answer.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

I’m going to noogie you into oblivion, young man.

“It’s not fair that everyone is blaming me for something I haven’t done,” Young Scott whines. Once a whiner, always a whiner. And although Wolverine hates Scott Summers’ fucking guts, he puts on his empathy hat – more like his empathy beer helmet – and tells him that a good night’s sleep and some serious thinking will help get his mind back on track about all of this. Right now, though, get your supple little ass back to the school.

Nope! Scott takes off his glasses and blasts Wolverine onto the roof. Now you’ve gone and done it. Wolverine gets Wolverine-y and SNIKTs out his claws… but Young Scott has already driven away on the bike before Wolverine can get stabby. And he definitely does not high-tail it toward the school, either. More like toward Tijuana.

Flashback to *checks watch* 45 minutes ago. Young Angel is standing on the roof of the school looking down at Scott leaving on the bike. “Sure, leave me here, Scottie. I don’t want to be here in the first place and now you leave me here.”

Young Angel sure is sad-sacking up the place right now. As he watches Wolverine chase down Cyclops in that jeep, he notices a face in the ground suddenly erupt… and then return. Like an entity made of dirt. “Am I nuts or did the ground just burp?”

Who cares? That’s dull. Here’s the REAL business! Old Angel swoops in looking like Fabio except even more annoying. “So… what are you, me from the past?” he asks, clearly not recognizing his own damn self, the guy with the wings.

Young Angel explains that the original X-Men A-Team got whisked away to the future in order to help stop Old Cyclops from being a real jerk. Old Angel can’t believe it. All the original X-Men. “Jean Grey? Jean Grey is here?”

Yes, yes, yes. Jean Grey. Jean Poopypants Grey. Everyone fawn over Jean Poopy Diaper Grey.

Old Angel starts smiling broadly and gives his younger self a big old bear hug! A real reunion of me and me, you might say.

“You believe me?” Young Angel asks, agape.

“Do I believe you?”

“I just told you an insane story… you believe me?”

“I don’t lie.”

Then they fly away! Touching.

We end with a woman named Raven. Some sort of witch vampire lady. Her advisor shows her a video of Young Cyclops blasting Wolverine across the street with his powerful, hot eyeballs.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #6

How can you tell? He has the jawline of a 25-year-old.

“When was this?” Raven asks.

“Today. This happened four hours ago.”

“Get everybody together,” Raven says. “I want to see this for myself.”

Final Thoughts

I don’t care if Raven wants to see this for herself! I want to see Wolverine totally fuck up Young Cyclops! Just pound his face into hamburger meat in front of the entire student body. Just dump his corpse into the school’s wishing well.


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