Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)

Tagline:
Return to a galaxy far, far away…

Wide Release Date:
May 25, 1983

Directed by:
Richard Marquand
Screenplay by:
Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas
Story by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Howard Kazanjian

Starring:
Mark Hamill
Harrison Ford
Carrie Fisher
Billy Dee Williams
Anthony Daniels
David Prowse
Kenny Baker
Peter Mayhew
Frank Oz

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

PREGAME THOUGHTS

THIS IS THE ONE WITH PRINCESS LEIA IN A BIKINI.

I had seen this movie in a high school science fiction class and it bored me to tears. I couldn’t have been less interested. Besides becoming sweaty and excited like every other 15ish-year-old who sees most of Carrie Fisher’s skin, I remember Jabba the Hutt and the Ewoks. I remember hating the Ewoks. I literally don’t remember a single other thing.

I’m going into this one knowing that it’s considered a step back after The Empire Strikes Back, and that’s ok. It’s not like people don’t love this one, too. And it may not entirely be because of Princess Leia in a bikini.

But it might be.

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s one year after the events of The Empire Strikes Back, which would put this at 4 ABY. Do I have that right? 4 ABY? Anyone?

In that time, carbonited Han Solo (Harrison Ford) had been sent to Jabba the Hutt. C-3PO and R2-D2 had been sent to Jabba to trade for Han.. Disguised as a bounty hunter trading in Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) arrives on Tatooine to rescue Han. She succeeds, except for the part where she gets captured and enslaved. She wears a sexy bikini during this time. I will NOT post the photo here, you can look it up elsewhere on the internet, you horny douchebag.

Let’s hurry up and get the hell out of this subpar sequel.

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), not knowing that Leia rescued Han, shows up for his end of the trade deal. Instead, Jabba the Hutt drops him down a trapdoor to get killed and eaten by a monster! Luke kills it, which pisses Jabba off further. Now Luke, Han, and Leia are all sentenced to death. They are to be eaten by another monster! This predicament will be harder to wriggle out of! But they do! Luke is able to free himself and his buddies while Leia strangles Jabba with chains. Boba Fett succumbs to the monster. The good guys escape.

Luke heads back to Dagobah where he witnesses Yoda (Frank Oz) dying of very old age. Before he dies, Yoda confirms that Darth Vader (James Earl Jones) is indeed Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker. He also reveals that there is “another Skywalker”, which puzzles our handsome protagonist. Meanwhile, the rest meet up with the Rebel Alliance to shoot some pool and have some beers and, oh yeah, they need to work on destroying a second Death Star that Vader is building up. Eek.

Obi-Wan’s Force Ghost confirms Yoda’s message that there is “another Skywalker”. It’s Leia. Leia is Luke’s twin sister. No wonder he finds her hot.

Darth Vader is under the surveillance of Emperor Palpatine, who really needs Vader to not fuck things up this time. Elsewhere, the Alliance learns that there’s a energy shield around the Death Star being powered by a moon of planet Endor, so we get to see the Ewoks ruin the rest of the movie. Vader captures Luke and brings him to Palpatine, who intends to sway Luke to the dark side. Oh, yeah, and also, Endor is a trap! His friends are gonna be in trouble! Yet again!

Emperor Palpatine is giving me palpitations! LOL LOL LOL!

And ‘lo, there are Imperial troops on Endor’s moon who are ready to ambush Han Solo, Leia, etc. The Ewoks help fend them off, which allows Han to destroy the energy shield. Hooray!

Lando Calrissian and some squid named Admiral Ackbar lead the fleet to destroy the Death Star. But oh no! The shields are still active! Boom goes a Rebel ship!

Vader and Palpatine keep goading Luke to join the dark side, but Luke keeps making faces and saying “no, never!” When Luke attempts to attack Palpatine, Vader interferes and he and Luke have a swordfight for about 20 minutes. During the duel, Vader uses his Force-fueled telepathic abilities and learns that Luke has a sister. Perhaps he’ll sway her to the dark side instead. Luke makes faces and says “no, never!” and then kicks Vader’s ass and that’s the end of that.

With Vader defeated, Palpatine orders Luke to take his place. Luke makes faces and says “no, never!” and declares himself to be an Almighty Jedi. Palpatine gets pissed and starts zapping Luke with electricity. In a weird moment of unrealistic anti-heel turn, Vader is like “fuck you, Emperor” and throws the guy down a shaft, killing him. Luke and Vader kiss and make up. Vader dies in Luke’s arms after revealing his ugly mug.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Rebels destroy the Death Star’s shield generator, and Lando destroys the Death Star’s power core. Luke escapes the ship he’s on. There’s a party on Endor with the Rebel Alliance and the teddy bears. Han tells Leia he’ll stay out of her and Luke’s way if they want to become romantically entwined, but Leia admits to Han that Luke is merely her brother! And, yes, she’d still like to fuck him, please.

End of movie.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I’m going to catch heat someday when people actually read this blog, but I wasn’t really into Return of the Jedi. Weak link of the original trilogy by a long shot.

It’s the Ewoks’ fault. Isn’t it always the Ewoks’ fault? The Ewoks with their primitive weapons taking down the Empire? Their cozy little furry bodies ripe for marketing? Fuck the Ewoks. I hate the Ewoks. Maybe if I had watched this when I was five, I’d be whistling a different tune!

The whole scene in Jabba palace’s sucked. Muppets. Muppets everywhere. I’m a fair-weather Star Trek: TNG and I used to cringe at how awful some of the costumes and make-up were, but Jabba’s Palace of Shitty Muppets was on a whole different level. They should’ve had Grover in the background flailing around, then I would’ve found something redeeming about the Muppets. And that dance number? I almost had a heart attack.

Please, oh please, Lord! Anything but the Muppets!

I thought the final confrontation between Luke and Vader was… kind of lame? The lightsaber fight choreography was definitely better than the one between Vader and Obi-Wan in A New Hope where Obi-Wan did that little spin for no reason, but what motivation does Vader really have for giving a shit about Luke? What motivation does Luke really have for giving a shit about Vader? I simply cannot believe they reconciled at the end, after all that. After what probably amounts to two decades of immorality and evilness and killing endless droves of people? After spending all that time as a bootlicking subservient to Emperor Palpatine? He’s just going pick him up like a sack of poop and toss him over a railing? He’s just going to be like “you were right, Luke, gimme a kiss” after twenty minutes? Eat my balls.

Han and Leia are cute, thought. Whatever, I’m allowed to like that. And Lando didn’t die? I can’t believe Lando didn’t die! I always thought that Lando dies! I would have bet my life on Lando dying. Where the hell did I get that idea from? Lando should’ve died.

Other than that, the movie was fantastic! All twenty minutes of the rest of it.

TOPIC 2 — Slave Leia

Slave Leia is the elephant in every room where people are having a Return of the Jedi discussion. I’m here to settle it here and now, once and for all! This little corner of the internet will have the voice of reason that everyone needs to see.

Princess Leia is very pretty.

With that out of the way… in defense of the Slave Leia scenes, obviously she was a slave. The implication was that she was going to be raped by this giant, gross space slug. Raped handily! It was not a good situation! She was forced to wear that outfit and she was chained up. People say it completely goes against the strong character she was built up to be in A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, but that was the point. She was stripped of her badassery by an oppressive criminal overlord in a humiliating and demeaning fashion! It makes sense.

On the other hand, I can agree that the real, possibly intentional objectification going on here. George Lucas was like “hey, let’s make our only female character show a lot of skin so that all my male teenage fans, plus me, can jerk off”. This kind of oversexualization does seem out of place in family-friendly Star Wars, where Muppets reign supreme. I don’t agree at all with the argument that it’s uncharacteristic of Leia. It wasn’t her choice. She was held in captivity. Come on, people.

Also, she’s very pretty. Don’t hold that one against me. I’ll do my due diligence and not post it here on my blog! See, I’m a gentleman.

See? She’s wearing all of her clothes. I’m very respectful.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The Jabba the Hutt puppet took Stuart Freeborn’s team three months to build, cost $500,000 to make, and weighed 2,000 pounds.
Stupid. The Jabba the Hutt puppet that I made cost $750,000 to build and weighs 4,500 pounds. It’s out on my front lawn next to my giant inflatable Christmas Snoopy.

The slithery noises made when Jabba the Hutt moves were created by sound designer Ben Burtt running his hands through a cheese casserole.
Seventeen cheese casseroles were sacrificed in the making of the film.

Darth Vader’s footsteps were recorded in underground tunnels by the Golden Gate Bridge to help create an ominous effect.
Cast and crew were free, and encouraged, to commit suicide on the bridge if they so chose.

The 1997 CD-ROM Star Wars: Behind the Magic confirms that the sequence showing the cremation of Darth Vader’s body and armor was directed by George Lucas, although uncredited.
I miss the days when 1997 CD-ROMs were around to confirm all sorts of mundane trivia. Bring back the CD-ROMs!

Carrie Fisher’s birthmark (near the small of her back) is visible in the desert scene where she turns her back to the camera to swing around a mounted laser gun.
Mouthbreathers spent hours of “research” analyzing every frame to pinpoint the exact moment the birthmark was visible on camera. The birthmark resembles a portrait of Richard Nixon eating pizza.

Originally, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Anakin Skywalker were to be resurrected and join the celebration on Endor.
“We didn’t want to miss the awesome party!”

Oh, Luke. Put that thing away. No one is scared of you.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

This is a tough one. You have to watch this if you watched the first two movies, that goes without saying. It’s a necessity of the highest order and degree! Don’t even think about avoiding this movie! Are you fucking insane?

As an adult, this movie blows. I’ll never watch it again. If you’ve gone 3+ decades without seeing Return of the Jedi, then you’re missing absolutely nothing. Except Slave Leia. Look it up on the internet, this is the 21st century.

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #31 – “Black Van”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Public Scrutiny storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #31 – “Black Van”! In the previous installment, Parker has been wounded in the shoulder by a bullet and spends most of the issue running from the police, getting his wound taken care of in the emergency room, running from the police again, and being afraid of what Aunt May is going to say. MJ was long for the ride the whole time too. She’s a keeper, that one.

Parker is safe and sound in his bed, but the whole city is now looking for Spider-Man and he needs to figure out how he’s going to hide his injured shoulder from his aunt. Kid can’t catch a break!

He deserves everything he gets.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #31 [January, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Black Van”

Finally! Cover art that doesn’t look like Spidey is posing for the Playboy centerfold. Behind bars where he belongs! Tried as an adult! Fuck him.

Ha, ok, the issue opens with Captain Stacy at the Atlantic City Police Detectives Conference. I can’t believe that’s actually important enough to feature a scene there. Stacy thinks he should open his speech with a joke, but one of his men says he will shoot him if he even tries it. And furthermore–

Whoops, we can’t continue this chatter with Stacy and his underlings. A loud BOOM and a loud AAIIEEE! causes these cops to draw their guns and scout the area. It appears that our good friend Spider-Man has toppled an armored car and is now hoisting the security guard by the front of his uniform. “Drop the guard and put your hands over your head!” Stacy shrieks. “I mean it!!! I’m not giving you to the count of three!! Do it now!!!”

Doop de doo. Sucks for Peter Parker, whose alter ego is being dragged through manure. To add injury to insult, so to speak, he’s spending his next day in school gripping his shoulder as if a bullet went through it yesterday. Loser.

The English teacher is talking about the gripping tale that is Animal Farm and asks Parker to tell the class what an allegory is. He, in response, mumbles and murmurs. He is advised to go to the nurse, and that’s just what he barely does. Kong, ever the comedian, asks to see the nurse too. He is met with a dish full of flak.

Oh, hell no. This is a one-way ticket to Rapeville.

Sweating and shuffling, Parker slowly makes his way to his locker. “Oh man… what am I doing?” he thinks. “I could be dying for all I know. I mean, I got shot last night. An actual cop shot me in the arm with an actual bullet and here I am in class pretending everything is fine. I am insane.”

Obviously, he’s delirious. He needs to go home and get a big bowl of Raisin Bran and forget about his shoulder. He needs a doctor. If he tries to stay home sick, Aunt May will find out and totally flip her wig, and Aunt May doesn’t even have a wig! Not one that Parker knows about, at least.

This is when he finds the note taped inside his locker. Sounds sketchy, but he’s desperate. Desperate enough to risk a kidnapping, it seems, but hey. When you’re 15 years old, you’re kinda stupid. It comes with the territory.

“Well, my spider-sense isn’t tingling or whatever it does when I’m about to get pounced on…” He cautiously approaches the black van, sweating like Roman Polanski in a junior high school gymnasium.

“Peter…” Oh shit, it’s a woman’s voice and she knows his name! Be cool. Be cool. “…Yeah?” he responds. Nailed it.

The woman’s name is Janet Van Dyne. Nick Fury sent her. She’s pretty hot. “Nick figured you might need a doctor who specialized in genetics – who made house calls.”

She’s a very persuasive debater.

Oh yeah. Janet Van Dyne is the Wasp. I think I knew that; Evangeline Lilly. That’s the extent of my knowledge on the subject.

“Healing nicely,” she says of the horrible wound. “Do you have an increased cellular chemokine interleukin-8 or IL-8?”

Look, lady, the kid already has a girlfriend. Enough of that kind of talk! “Uh – I got bit by a spider,” he answers rather wanly. Kid looks like total garbage, about ready to pass out. He does have increased healing powers, possibly, but he doesn’t know for sure. He just shoots webs and stuff.

Van Dyne pulls out a large jet injector filled with raw sewage. “They discovered a chemical in chickens call cCAF that can increase healing time in humans,” she explains, smiling at the still sweating teenager. He doesn’t really want to be a guinea pig for this untested substance, but what choice does he have? Aunt May will throttle him if she finds out that cops are shooting at him. “I whipped up an interesting little cocktail from your own, very unique, blood sample.”

Stick him with it already, we haven’t got all day! She tells him that he’s lucky that his wounding was televised and that S.H.I.E.L.D. happened to be in their secret man cave eating nachos and watching Survivor on their 39-inch plasma TV, or else they wouldn’t have seen the breaking news item!

We only like BIG potatoes in S.H.I.E.L.D. Twice baked, full of cheese and bacon. Hell yes.

After injecting him with chicken cum, she tells him to take it easy for a few days. When Parker asks her if Nick Fury mentioned who might be running around impersonating Spider-Man like a real asshole, she tells him she doesn’t care. No one cares.

“But, I tell you, if someone was running around in my costume doing that… I would find him and beat the holy snot out of him.”

Good advice! He’ll just skip school and murder the guy like Roman Polanski at a Manson family reunion. Later, Parker is flanked by Gwen Stacy and MJ. Gwen tells Parker he looks like a million bucks. Parker tells Gwen that he feels like a million bucks! MJ looks sad like she just lost a million bucks.

Gwen is like “you faked sick you little twerp” and then calls Parker and MJ sneaking around in the middle of the night to have the sex. “Come on, I totally know…” she grins. “The two of you are sneaking around in the middle of the night… Dude you came in at one in the morning,” she says laughing while Parker and MJ look at each other horrified. “I heard you. If my dad caught me with a guy at one in the morning… he would lock me in a tower like that chick in that movie.”

The two lovebirds are half-listening. ONCE AGAIN, there are cops parked outside the Parker household. This is it this time. Aunt May kicked the bucket; stuck her head in the stove, said goodbye to the cruel world, perhaps filled her pockets with large rocks and stood in the bathtub. You hate to see it.

Here’s the montage: Captain Stacy’s buddies are sitting on the couch with Aunt May. Aunt May looks sad. Gwen walks through the door. The cops look sad. One of them hands Gwen her father’s police badge. She looks sad. Then she gasps. She looks terrified.

She yells in big red block letters. “NO!!”

Now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever and always, it’s time to come back to Ben Urich’s House of Pancakes.

Hello, Ben Urich. I’m Tom, blogger for TomWritesAboutStuff. Are you… uh… is there a Mrs. Ben Urich? *swoon*

Urich is interviewing people who sort of, kind of, not really, witnessed Captain Stacy getting murdered. One guy was taking out the garbage and heard a “thump”. Another guy saw Spider-Man – THEE Spider-Man – ripping off an armored car, which was completely nutty! Then he started beating the shit out of this guy, really letting him have it, this armored car guard. But he didn’t see what happened next. Another guy witnessed Spider-Man heading for the hills when Captain Stacy (whose mom had got it goin’ on) and his buddies drew their guns. A woman saw Spider-Man running across rooftops speaking Spanish. Spanish! Then the cops started firing with one bullet tearing through the imposter’s backpack. Here are the following events:

-Spider-Man throws the flaming backpack.

-A kid, right in the trajectory, looks up at it.

-Captain Stacy rushes forward and tackles the kid out of the way.

-The kid lands in another cop’s arms.

-The flaming backpack lands in Captain Stacy’s lap.

-And then something else happened!

OK Sulkypants. Haven’t you done enough sulking today, Sulkypants?

Pretty interesting stuff! Anyway, he dead. Parker, MJ, and Gwen are hanging out on top of Parker’s roof stargazing. Peter Parker, ever the suave reassurer, tells Gwen that every witness who saw the incident verified that her dad died saving a little boy’s life. “He died a hero. And – I know that doesn’t make it any better but – that’s what happened.”

Ha, unlike Uncle Ben. He didn’t die a hero. He died an idiot.

“They – uh – they don’t know what was in the knapsack yet…” Parker continues, trying to bring some much needed awkwardness to the situation, “…but they think it was stuff to open the armored car with – blow it up or something. Maybe that plastique stuff – that playdoh they make bombs with.”

Cool stuff, Parker. You sure know a lot about bombs, that helps a lot. “Spider-Man…” Gwen scowls, and I know where this is going already. Parker gibbers and tries to tell her that Spider-Man is a good guy! They don’t know if this guy is really Spider-Man! He’s doing bad things! It’s not consistent with past behaviors! He’s just masquerading as… he’s just pretending to be… uhhh…

Gwen just glares as Parker rambles. Even MJ has a look of “sorry this guy is talking” on her face. “You guys mind?” Gwen says, burying her face into her knees. “I’d kinda like to be alone for a while…”

OK! Whew! They leave her on the roof to fall down and die accidentally. The next day, Peter Parker slouches into the Daily Bugle office. He can hear J. Jonah Jeffrey Janis Joplin Jimmy Johns Jameson shouting, as per usual. “Don’t talk to me – Urich! Just go!! Go go go!! Ben, take a photographer with you!”

Ben doesn’t have time to listen to J. J. J.meson, he needs to go ASAP. Send a photographer down; in the meantime, Urich has his shitty 2002 digital camera.

“What’s going on?” Parker moodily asks Robbie Robertson.

“Oh, that idiot dressing up as Spider-Man got himself into another standoff with the police… I tell ya, Peter… I sincerely hope that this isn’t the same Spider-Man and I sincerely hope whoever this reckless maniac is – I hope they put this guy away for all time.”

Oh Robertson, you usually don’t fly off the handle like this! It must be serious. He looks up and sees Parker had run off. Good God, man, are you really going to be Spider-Man right now? Wanna get shot in your other shoulder, doofus?

We see him swing through the city, swoopin’ and swervin’, hovering over police and then crashing through the very bank that “Spider-Man” is already inside. The police are dumbfounded, of course, but let’s see where this goes…

…

…Spider-Man sees Spider-Man holding a woman up with a taser to her throat. Spider-Man looks up at Spider-Man while a group around both of them look at Spider-Man. It’s like that meme where the Spider-Mans are pointing at each other, but this is serious!

Final Thoughts

I don’t know anything about this Spider-Man story, so I’m guess this is fucking Flash Thompson pretending to be Spider-Man because he’s a spindly loser with bowl haircut and a penchant for jackassery. I’m most certainly wrong, but a man can dream.

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Paper Girls, Issue #25

* Part 5 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 5 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #25! Last issue in the storyline, folks! In the previous installment, Wari tells the story of how Dr. Qanta Braunstein brought her and Jahpo to the future. Braunstein raises Jahpo as her own, and Wari was sworn to secrecy.

Mac finds out that she does not nor will ever have leukemia. She WILL, however, have a rare type of cancer that only affects time travelers. She and KJ get attacked by the doctor, but high-tail out of there after he renders KJ sedated. Mac has to carry her dead weight around town.

Jahpo’s planning taking his whole 10 football field-sized airship with him through a Folding to 1988. That already happened in the first storyline and Jahpo was very unsuccessful at preventing the girls from starting their time travel adventure.

All the pieces are finally coming together! Oh yeah, Erin now has a map to the widget that will take them all back to 1988. Maybe we’ll see that happen as well.

Paper Girls, Issue #25 [October, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

It’s exciting, isn’t it? This fucking comic book is the bee’s knees.

Yeah, that’s right. Guess who finally kisses. It’s about time. It’s fucking adorable.

KJ is completely passed out on the roof. Mac is waiting for the two Tiffanys, but they are nowhere to be seen from Mac’s vantage point. Erin tells Mac through the walkie-talkie that there’s no need for any of them to get back to her once they meet up. “Can you see the skyscraper with the glow-y thing above it?”

Mac looks at the skyscraper with the glow-y thing above it. “Kinda hard to miss,” she says. The glow-y thing is a large violet Folding. Erin’s got the map, as you recall, and she knows that there’s something called a “service entrance” in the alley behind the building “and you guys all need to meet me there, like, immediately.”

Erin says it’s their last chance. Then Mac loses the signal.

By now KJ has regained consciousness and feels like a million bucks! Nothing like a good power nap, kids. Now then, w–

KJ recognizes the spot immediately… but then shuts up before she says too much. “This place, it’s… it’s… it’s nothing,” she looks down sullen. “All of this has been completely pointless. No matter what we do, you’re still gonna die.”

Yeesh. Way to kill the buzz again. “Are you seriously crying?” Mac says, getting mad and uncomfortable. “Knock it off, dweeb.”

GRRAAGGHHG!! RRAARRGG!! HRRRNNNN!! “It’s bullshit, Mac! Why did we get suckered into this stupid adventure? Just so you could get some kind of time travel cancer?”

It’s all so futile. Whatever happened happened. Whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen. Nothing can be changed. And the only thing I don’t like is that neither Older Erin nor Older Tiff remember being twelve and going through this crazy adventure. That’s the only time travel inconsistency, and I hope it gets addressed.

Digression aside, Mac has a realization. “Like, this rooftop. This is where you had your vision of us kissing… isn’t it?”

KJ doesn’t answer. She just gives Mac the ol’ side-eye.

Mac keeps it going. “Then I guess we do.”

And I guess they do.

About time, nerds.

They embrace, they kiss, it’s cute, then they look to see the two Tiffs staring at them completely shocked. Well, Young Tiff is shocked. Older Tiff just seems kind of tired.

“Sorry to… Um,” Young Tiff is at a loss for words.

“Congratulations?” Older Tiff strains a big smile, eyes dead.

“U4! HANDS!” yells one of those terrible BlueLifes, aiming a gun at their faces. Lock and load, asshole.

Erin pores over her map and realizes that everything is written in her handwriting. Wari is like “of course it is, idiot. You were here a few days ago”, and Eyeball Caretaker is like “you told us to take care of it the first time you were here!” Erin is floored that there’s all these directions about secret elevators and access codes, and Wari assumes she helped… but her memory sucks lately. “This looks just like my boy’s old clubhouse,” she says, looking at the map and sipping some of that good Future Coffee.

“This map supposedly shows me how to get back to 1988. If it really works, how do I end up back here in the future – I mean, your past – to give it to you?” Erin wonders. Look, kid, asking questions is how you got in this mess in the first place! Maybe. Or perhaps you didn’t ask enough questions? It’s unclear.

“…who are you again?” Wari asks, eyes vacant. That settles that!

This is such a Back to the Future nod. Erin and her team have to get to the top of the tower by the crack of 7:17am or they lose their chance to get back to the past. The Folding must now be open to 1988. According to Wari, the WATCH always closes for realignment at roughly 7:15am, so it all makes sense! Right? Yes. And then Erin starts booking it.

This isn’t a traffic stop, man. Stop trying to kill people!

Meanwhile, the rooftop girls are under arrest! Or at least they will be if they stop resisting so hard by putting their hands up in the air like they just don’t care. The cop shoots his gun on the roof, which KABANGs and ricochets right in front of Mac’s feet. “Last warn.”

“You fired a fucking gun. At children?” Double-Oh Tiff glares. Now he’s gone and done it. “Take care of your friends,” she tells her younger self. “And whatever you do, don’t settle.”

Then she takes a running leap at the motherfucker, which catches him off guard. She lands on his car and starts manhandling him. “GO!” she yells to the girls while the cop grunts and grumbles. He ends up shooting his own tires, which sends the floating cop car into a tailspin.

Then the car explodes in a giant fireball, in mid-air, right in front of the rest of them.

Mac goes fucking insane. She grabs her radio: “Please help! Oh, Christ, she’s dead! She’s really–”

Ah, Mac’s distress signal from Issue #22. However, how did she broadcast it to her own walkie-talkie in the past? Curious.

Almost as if feedback prevented her from continuing the transmission, she gets cut off. “Dammit!”

Ok, time to boogie before more fucking cops come. “That bang’s only gonna bring more of those assholes, and if we get nabbed now…” Mac says as Tiff looks completely despondent, “…what did Tiff die for?”

Grand Father “Pops” Jahpo successfully made it to 1988, as we knew he would. Cardinal reports that those who killed both Prioress and Alister are probably dead, but it’s true that the four girls are “timelined”.

Tardigrade fight!

That Tardigrade fight is the year 2016, eh? Man, these kids are really FUCKING the SHIT up. The sky is violet with out-of-control time-related energy. Jahpo is nervous. “Cardinal, if we don’t find those four children and bring them back here alive, this entire year is going to bend inside itself.” I think it already has! George H.W. Bush was elected, after all.

The good news is, if the girls aren’t found, it won’t be the end of time! The bad news is that it will be the end of the world. So, uh, your mileage may vary on these two bits of news. I’d rather deal with the end of time, myself. That way I won’t have to be reincarnated on some other shit world.

The three girls made it successfully to Erin’s meeting point. Here’s some more bad news: Double-Oh Tiff is dead as a doornail. “I think I just watched myself die,” Tiff says, looking like she’s about to puke all over Erin.

“Whatever happened, we… we can fix it,” Erin says with cautious optimism.

“Trust us, we can’t,” Mac replies, looking quite defeated. “I hate to say it, but you were right about me. About death. When we go is when we go.”

Erin is still not backing off! Since she will obviously show up soon to draw this map for herself, she can add a note to her past self to warn the Tiffanies! Right? Right? Nope! “If you’re the one who’s eventually going to draw that thing, why doesn’t it say all this stuff already?” Tiff asks, glaring at Erin like she’s dumb.

Suddenly, another Erin pops into the scene. “Holy cow! I can’t believe that worked!”

Yeah, cut it out with the C-word, KJ.

“But nice to see the crew again. Been stalking you for ages, literally,” Not-Erin says. Last we saw here, she was trying to push the four of them into the future. Looks like it happened anyway. “Thankfully, you left behind plenty of clues on this pitstop, so once I figured out what you were up to, I dropped in first to start laying some groundwork.”

Uh-huh. Sounds like dork speak to me. Erin doesn’t like what she’s hearing. “The map. You drew it for Wari.”

Yes indeedily-doodily! But why? Why?? WHY?? Why was Not-Erin spending so much time getting these girls to the skyscraper? What’s the deal? WHY???

Not-Erin pulls off her backpack-thing, revealing it to be a bomb. “I need this to end, all right? But if I let you four go back to ‘88 together, the old-timers have won.”

The girls try to bargain their way out of kablooie, but it’s too late. Too late. Not-Erin clicks the detonator…

…

Tiff ends up on some cliff overlooking these weird pod high-rises over an ocean. I’m guessing she’s in the far, far future.

KJ ends up in front of a newspaper building. The headlines of the current day report Iraq becoming a republic. 1958.

Mac ends up in some desolate wasteland, about to be attacked by terrifyingly large creature with sharp teeth and no eyes. I’m guessing she’s even farther ahead than Tiff.

Erin ends up on Halloween, 2016. A boy in a Trump costume approaches. “Hey, lady. You okay?”

Final Thoughts

Jesus shit! One storyline left, and the girls are hopelessly separated! How’s this going to wrap itself up? Is it even going too? I’m erect with anticipation!

I’m going keep going. Stay tuned next week for the beginning of the thrilling conclusion!

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Nickelodeon Child Stars — Where Are They Now?

Wasn’t it great be a ’90s kid?! Pogs! Tamagotchis! The golden years of the Simpsons! Purple ketchup! Schindler’s List! The Oklahoma City bombing! Bill Clinton! The Columbine High School shooting!

Nickelodeon! Ahh, Nickelodeon. I’d spend 28 hours a day in front of my TV soaking it all in. All the inane cartoons, all the horrible child actors, all the slime that led to online sexual fetishization, all the toy commercials selling complete junk like Dr. Dreadful’s Food Lab or those Domino Rally sets. It leads one to wonder, 30 years later, what became of some of these child stars that were paraded around TV like monkeys in a zoo. Some of them went on to write memoirs called I’m Glad My Mom Died. Others went on to become a Saturday Night Live cast member for the rest of their lives, apparently, at this rate. But what became of some of the lesser-known stars? The ones who delighted us as children and disappeared into a volcano after 1999? I’m here to shed some light on the whereabouts of a small handful of minor teen celebrities who weren’t in the news for experimenting with cocaine or MDMA… for example. No judgement here!

Danny Cooksey (Bobby Budnick, Salute Your Shorts)

Danny Cooksey – Cult Leader

America’s favorite ’90s mulleted ginger, Bobby Budnick warmed our hearts teaming up with Donkey Lips to terrorize Sponge Harris at Camp Anawana, but what became of Danny Cooksey after his spirited tenure on Salute Your Shorts?

Cooksey endeavored to become a very successful cult leader in the early 2000s, having founded the Peoples Order of the Grey Heron after a kid threw a stone at his head while walking through the park in his parachute pants. When he came to, he was in awe of a great bird framed by the sun standing above him. It was as if God himself had descended to Blorp’s Pond in order to send him a message; to fulfill his destiny as a powerful, influential leader of lost souls. Then the grey heron attempted to peck out Cooksey’s eyeballs, but it was nothing that a few spritzes of antiseptic spray couldn’t fix!

The Peoples Order the Grey Heron wasn’t successful. Comprising of only he and Tim Stevens from Cooksey’s high school 12th grade English class (where they had partnered up on a book report about The Scarlet Letter), the cult meetings eventually devolved into random evening hangouts where they would drive by clubs and holler at the girls while high on paint thinner. These days, Cooksey sells souvenir bean bags in Wachapreague, Virginia. If you stop by and say hi, he’ll autograph a copy of his memoir for $5: The Cult of One: Why Tim Still Owes Me Money for Breaking My Lava Lamp.

Arthur Reggie III (Alfie Parker, My Brother and Me)

Arthur Reggie III – Homeless

My Brother and Me was a polarizing show to be sure. Some, like me, were just the right age to enjoy its wholesome suburban family antics. Some were outgrowing Nickelodeon and ready to move onto much more sophisticated television entertainment (like Disney Channel or the Spice Network). Some, like you, were too profoundly racist to watch a show centered around a black family. Or maybe you were getting your fill of it from Family Matters. Alfie Parker was the middle child of the Parker household, bringing love and mirth to the spotight with his always cheery disposition! His best friend was named Goo. Here’s a fun fact: “My Friend Goo” by Sonic Youth was about Alfie Parker even though the song was released four years before the show was even on TV.

Arthur Reggie III went on to do great things! And by “great things” I meant “heroin”. Unfortunately, Arthur Reggie III became addicted to smack during filming of the first season of My Brother and Me at the tender age of 11. As a result of his crippling drug problem, the show’s producers decided to break their contract with Nickelodeon as an act of respect instead of replacing Reggie III with Danny DeVito for the role of Alfie. The producers owed Nickelodeon a $4,500,000,000 fee for the breach of contract, which they are still paying back to this day on a 930-year monthly installment plan.

Today, Arthur Reggie III is 39 years old and living under the I-94 overpass on the corner of North and Ashland. If you flip him a quarter and ask him to sing “The Alfie Song”, he gladly let you pee on his hand to shield his frost-bitten appendage from the harsh Chicago cold.

Michael Maronna (“Big” Pete Wrigley, The Adventures of Pete and Pete)

Michael Maronna – Dead

America’s favorite ’90s mulleted ginger warmed our hearts teaming up with “Little” Pete Wrigley to terrorize Sponge Harris at Camp Anawana! If memory serves. We know Maronna played shiftless stoner characters in movies like Slackers, 40 Days and 40 Nights, and The Passion of the Christ, but the public hasn’t seen him much over the years. Where is he now?

Unfortunately, in a Tom Writes About Stuff exclusive, it is with apologetic regret to inform you gentle readers that Michael Maronna passed away in 2017. We banged on the door of his estranged wife’s (Jerri Jo “Driveshaft” Stinkley) trailer for 15 hours until she woke up from her crack cocaine stupor and answered the door. She heard word from her sister (with the club foot) that Maronna was found dead in his basement apartment due to a non-congenital ailment known as “baseball bat to the skull syndrome”. He was $400,000 in the hole after having made hundreds of misguided bets on rigged carnival games such the ring toss, and the Plinko game where the disc falls into the slot. After being threatened by a band of angry clowns, thinking that the traveling carnival was going to leave for their next destination of Belchertown, Illinois, Maronna double-bolted the locks on his 40 sq. ft. Indianapolis apartment and kicked back with a tall glass of peppermint mouthwash. He thought the clowns would never find him again.

He was wrong about the clowns.

Lori Beth Denberg (Various, All That)

Lori Beth Denberg – Interdimensional Parasite

Lori Beth Denberg warmed NO hearts with her abysmal performances on All That, ranging from “obnoxious library” to “professional dumbass”. Her slot as a regular player in the sketch comedy show’s cast catapulted Nickelodeon into the toilet. It took the network 17 years and 9 seasons of SpongeBob Squarepants to recover from the damage. You may be wondering where she is these days. Not me. I don’t give a shit.

After falling into a pile of industrial polonium waste while foraging for garbage near a fat rendering plant, Denberg gained the ability to talk to animals. This power came in handy when she started working for the local police and Animal Control, communicating with the bomb-sniffing dogs and saving children from rhinoceros stampedes. This new power, of course, came with a price. And that price was pissing off the Galactic Interdimensional Mercenary Police. Or “GIMP”.

Lori Beth Denberg had a choice: get ripped apart by wolves as part of the GIMP punitive response to unauthorized use of superpowers without a permit, OR get shrunk down to the size of a tick in order to perform special duties for the GIMP force among the infinite dimensions of the Milky Way galaxy.

Denberg opted for the latter option, doomed to spend the rest of eternity training GIMP dogs for the K-9 unit by burrowing in the fur near their ears and whispering instructions and commands to carry out GIMP’s nefarious galaxy domination schemes. We wish her the best of luck.

Isn’t that a blast from the past? You’re probably wondering “Hey Tom, what about Omar Gooding, Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother, of Wild and Crazy Kids fame?” Well, gentle reader, he’s dead too of knife to the chest poisoning. His last words were “Put the knife down, Donnie Jeffcoat.”

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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 – “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Superman: Endgame collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 – “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”! In the previous issue of the Superman: Endgame collection, the Eradicator shows up to do some damage (good damage) while Lex Luthor tries to find a way to mitigate some other damage (bad damage). It is discovered that Brainiac 13’s weakness is Kryptonian technology, which is a big plot hole if I’ve ever heard one. Lex Luthor is going to take advantage of that.

In the previous issue of Action Comics Vol. 1, Clark Kent goes Christmas shopping and then has to beat up something called Etrigan, who did a lot of rhyming. It honestly doesn’t matter.

Let’s finish up this Y2K storyline before all the computers in the world explode! Oh no!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 [February, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

Here we go, bitches. Lex Luthor is entering the ruckus and he brought with him his big, bald dick. This used to be Superman’s favorite holiday (New Year’s? Why?), but this year really blew it with the good vibes. In London, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over the Big Ben clock. In Moscow, large mechanical spiders and robot tentacles take over Saint Basil’s Cathedral. In Sydney, yada yada yada Opera House. “I don’t know how I can stop this,” says Superman, flying through the air with a sourpuss face.

Brainiac 13 informs the caped sad sack that his conversion of Metropolis to a literal city of tomorrow is complete. “It’s over, Superman.”

Superman has a rebuttal to this: “BLAARHGHGH BLAHUGHGUH”. Brainiac 13 is getting kind of huffy. Metropolis is now the “motherboard” for a “virtual god”. “Megabyte Buddha in a nanotech nirvana”. This shit didn’t age well. It sounds like Chuck Palahniuk trying to be edgy in 1999 with buzz phrases.

“I am everything here with all the world’s power funneled through me – my ability to manipulate this city and its denizens is infinite! The entirety of the population of Metropolis was upgraded for service 3.4 minutes after you left.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Superman fucked off to his Fortress of Solitude with Eradicator in Superman: The Man of Steel, Issue #98 and also who the fuck gives a shit?

“I hope the trip was worth it.”

And yes, the population of Metropolis has been transformed into these weird Silver Surfer chrome-plated slaves. “One last time, Kryptonian… you’ve lost,” Brainiac 13 sneers, telling Superman what’s what. He’s going to continue upgrading the planet, and also he’ll be working out how to destroy Superman and everything he loves, holds dear, and eats for breakfast. We’ll start with waffles, then move on to Lois Lane. If he has time, pancakes.

Quickly, before my CPAP machine runs out of batteries!

Elsewhere (namely, Lex Luthor’s Tower of Fun & Games), the man himself is strapped into his Kryptonian battle Transformer, and it’s more than meets the eye! Or less. He’s arguing with his toddler niece, aka Brainiac 2, about making a damn move to save his city. Brainiac 2 is too busy marveling at Brainiac 13’s efficiency! Europe converted! Asia converted! Those are large landmasses! That’s, like, 99.98% of the Earth’s surface if I remember my PhD geography classes. Patience, my pet. Patience. Patience is a virtue. You do know how to be virtuous, right Lex? Heh.

Superman is carrying his little robot buddy, Kelex, through Metropolis and over to Lextower. Kelex tells Superman what we’ve already been told many times in the last couple of issues: Brainiac 13 can only interface with compatible technology. No compatibility, no interfacing. Simple as that. Kryptonian technology is not compatible. We’ve been through this. Let’s cut to the goddamned chase.

Kelex, being Kryptonian technology, is like “I got this, I think…”, but then senses other Kryptonian technology within the vicinity. Like, within an 8,000 mile radius. Wait… recalculating… reticulating splines… it’s within the city limits.

Brainiac 13 is about to tell Superman that his alien technology will not harm him, but Lex Luthor’s Kryptonian warsuit appears to uppercut him right in the jaw. “By the gold volcano of merciful Rao! We are saved!” Kelex throws up his spindly robot arms in jubilation. Brainiac 2 Lena Luthor congratulates her uncle on a good hit. Lex tells her to cork it.

“Luthor! Listen!” Superman yells from just outside the warsuit. “I don’t know how you stole that suit from me, but I’m willing to forget it so long as we work together to stop Brainiac!” Luthor calls this idea “munificent”, which I had to look up because Lex Luthor is smarter than I am by about thirteen Brainiacs. And then he gives Superman a sarcastic jab about how positively INSCRUTABLE Kryptonian technology is. “I’ll have to get by just smashing stuff,” he says, smashing stuff. Lena is overjoyed while Lex smirks like he’s America’s most cleanly-washed asshole.

Superman spots Lois and she looks like a crying clown. He then instructs Kelex to link up with the warsuit and check how badly Lex modified it.

Come on, Superman! You’ve had your share of threesomes, I’m sure. Don’t puss out, son!

Brainiac is yelling about wanting the warsuit while some other disgraceful robotic foes enter into the mix for Superman to beat up. This goes on for some time while Brainiac spouts inanities that don’t matter. Lex agrees to let Brainiac 2 take over the warsuit reigns.

“Sir, I detect over one hundred significant risks in your plan,” Kelex tells Superman as it attempts to improvise, per Superman’s request. He tells Kelex to put a sock in it and do stuff anyway. Lena Luthor presses a button within the suit, which neutralizes the various robot enemies. This helps both Lex AND Superman, which is not ideal but you can’t complain too hard about the results!

Superman takes this opportunity to punch Brainiac’s big metal face like he has a snowball’s chance in HECK that it would work. Brainiac continues to mock him with novel-sized insults. “Last son of a dead planet. Fighting to protect slaves. His greatest weapon an impotent toy.” That kind of thing. Superman is looking quite angry, letting his emotions get the better of him. It’s a good thing this is part 5 out of 5 for the Y2K storyline, I don’t think poor Superman can handle more pressure!

Kelex knocks on Lex’s warsuit’s face. “Pardon me, in there… do you want to save the planet, or maybe pick up some munchies and keep joyriding?” Luthor takes pause, and then growls for Kelex to start talking. Superman needs full cooperation or everyone’s toast, capisce? Specific instructions must be followed. Knots must be tied correctly. Everything in its place. Can we count on you, you stubborn and bald piece of shit?

Brainiac has wrapped metal tentacles around his caped rival. “We have quite the history, you and I,” the giant bad guy drawls. “An older you, of course. Wiser. Harder. He has defeated me hundreds of times… but you are not he. You care too much about toys and human slugs and talking to be a real threat. Case in point. I have billions of probes. You have one body… in my grasp. Simple math.”

Yap yap yap yap yap yap. Who cares too much about talking? Geez.

Open wide and say “ahhh”! Let the soft touch of the robot hands do their work. Relax, guy.

Lex Luthor still has some tricks up his sleeve, and since he’s wearing two sleeves, that’s twice the tricks. I’m sure what he has in store for Brainiac will be riveting.

Kelex works on repairing the damaged components of the warsuit, all the while commenting upon how fucked up Lex’s adjustments are. Lex tells Kelex to put a sock in it.

Brainiac continues probing Superman with noodly appendages. “I have run simulations of your death 1,098,288,546 times. This one is a particular favorite.” Superman is quite ruffled by this! He prays Kelex is doing his thing, but the little robot is likely off cooking TV dinners and burning ants with his built-in magnifying glass.

Actually, he is helping! He breaks off just one of the thousands of conduits feeding into Brainiac and reroutes it to the warsuit. The intention is to power up and throw the energy back his way. Lex is all for it! Whatever it takes to return this wretched city back into his hands.

Meanwhile, the robot arms are turning into so much warm, sticky goo on Superman’s face. He is starting to asphyxiate like David Carradine in a Bangkok hotel. “KELEX! NOW!” he screams through a nose full of purple spooge. The warsuit has garnered so much energy already that feeding it into Brainiac’s core will warp the shit out of him! I don’t know where this assumption is coming from, but let’s go with it so we can wrap this comic book up in time to watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. That was already on TV in early 2000, right? That Regis Philbin sure was a card.

Kelex tells Lex to step on it, but Lex wants Superman to die first before he enjoys saving the rest of the world. He manually overrides the current command with a wry smile. Like this → :]

“Sir… it is my duty to inform… Luthor behaved exactly as expected.”

Superman condones this nefarious tattling. “Excellent. Wake Tornado,” he gasps through his gooey purple face.

“BRAINIAC!” says a red robot with a yellow arrow on his head. “Fractal wave vortex detected.”

OK, nerd. So Tornado is Kryptonian technology, which scrambles Brainiac’s cicuits long enough for Superman to wrest free. This confuses and angers the Big Brained Brainiac 13. Not so smart are ya when Kryptonian technology is your kryptonite, as it were.

Set phasers to kill! TWO TO BEAM UP! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING! BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING!

Red Tornado, or whatever this mope’s name is, is taking orders from Kelex and starts battling Brainiac 13. Brainiac thinks this is a loser’s game.

Warsuit Jones has a win here though: Using the energy of fourteen thousand pulsars, Brainiac’s programming has been rerouted to Kryptonian circuitry. Everything about him in a hard drive that he doesn’t understand! How do you like them apples?

Brainiac says this is impossible. The energy required is unfathomable! It cannot be fathomed! Can God create so much energy that even he cannot fathom it?? YES!

Superman thinks everything is over and done and an evening of Salisbury steak awaits. “Kelex,” he grins hazily like the biggest orgasm of his life has just drained his testicles, “escort Mr. Luthor out of the suit, please… gently.”

Kelex is stunned. There are TWO people in the suit! BUH-WHAT? Oh well, more importantly, all the robot tentacles gripping and squeezing the major landmarks of the world appear to be breaking apart. “I believe we’ve got him sir,” Superman’s little robot companion reports.

And, verily, whatever magic slave spell Brainiac had on Lois Lane has been discharged and obliterated. Finito. She looks drunk. “Clark?” she slurs at Superman, who reminds her that Clark is somewhere else and not here in front of her ready to give her a smooch on the ol’ lips. She asks if the threat is over. “Mostly,” Superman says. “Brainiac 13’s control over you and the rest of Metropolis is shattered… a few more seconds and he’ll be harmless as a cell phone.”

Have you been reading the news in 2000, Superman? Those things cause cancer! Ionizing radiation! People are dropping like flies everywhere! Hardly harmless, you insensitive, ignorant dingus.

Superman is unnerved, though. Brainiac 13 has been thwarted, but Metropolis still looks like one of those futuristic levels in Crash Bandicoot: Warped! What gives? Superman wants his Salisbury steak TONIGHT god fucking damnit.

The warsuit suddenly gives off an ear-splitting “SSSFFFCHOW”. Lex stands next to him, silent but deadly. We’ll find out why in a minute! Stay tuned!

Brainiac 13 has been fully subdued, Metropolis hasn’t reverted back its original state, and Luthor has capitalized on this world tragedy by registering over 500 pants within a two day period. A record! He’ll finally be rich!

Brainiac 13 had a proposition for Luthor: his final demise will revert back to its original state, but he promises Lex some good stuff if he instead hands over the Brainiac 2 vessel. Lex is all like “hell no, girlfriend”. But then Brainiac promises a lifetime of power, wealth, and God status. So he does it. He gives Lena Luthor to the suit, who absorbs the child.

“We had him beaten!” Superman yells later through Lex’s office window. “Trapped. It was over…”

“Leave me alone,” Lex frowns. Superman doesn’t know exactly what Lex did, but he knows that Lex is responsible for Metropolis’ refusal to revert. And it cost him Lena Luthor.

“If it’s the last thing I do in this life…” Superman says, looking fiery with anger, “…I will get her back, Lex. And I will see you pay.”

“I hope you do, but I’ve already paid. I’ve paid in full.”

Final Thoughts

What an asshole! That Lex guy is a bad egg, I’m starting to think this about him. Two strikes mister, and I don’t have to tell you what happens at strike three. Thin ice, pal.

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PREGAME THOUGHTS

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

TOPIC 2 — Slave Leia

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #31 [January, 2003] Written by: Brian Michael Bendis “Black Van”

Final Thoughts

Paper Girls, Issue #25 [October, 2018] Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Final Thoughts

Danny Cooksey (Bobby Budnick, Salute Your Shorts)

Arthur Reggie III (Alfie Parker, My Brother and Me)

Michael Maronna (“Big” Pete Wrigley, The Adventures of Pete and Pete)

Lori Beth Denberg (Various, All That)

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 [February, 2000] Written by: Joe Kelly “Sacrifice for Tomorrow”

Final Thoughts

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #31 [January, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Black Van”

Paper Girls, Issue #25 [October, 2018]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #763 [February, 2000]
Written by: Joe Kelly
“Sacrifice for Tomorrow”