Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #19 – “Piece of Work”! More like “piece of shit”. As in “Spider-Man is a”. In the previous installment, Spider-Man manages to escape Doctor Octopus AND the police AND the feds AND so far Kraven the Hunter (since he hasn’t tried to smother the kid yet), but he gets hella beat up in the process and his costume becomes torn and unusable.
MJ helps Parker clean up in the basement, but Parker is put out that the entire city is against him when he’s just trying to help.
Aunt May’s gonna catch Parker shirtless. Embarrassment! This whole issue is going to be Parker going “uhmuhmuhmuhm hadabadabadababada” and it’s going to by fantastic. Watch.
Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #19 [May, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Piece of Work”
“Peter, I’m home!” calls Aunt May, hoisting a jumbo bag o’ nuggets. Parker, in the basement, is having a wheezing panic attack. In the kitchen, May is blithering about waiting for something in the mail, but then realizes that her little piss-pants nephew might not be home. Meanwhile, Parker slips outside and scales the house up to the bathroom window. He makes a loud thump when he lands on the floor. Actually, comic book onomatopoeia tells me it’s a “CLUMP!” So he makes a loud clump when he lands on the floor.
When Aunt May asks if everything is ok up there, Parker just tells her he has “bad poops” and that shuts her questioning mouth up good. May throws him an I-told-ya-so about those street pretzels (they upset his tummy), which he takes in stride! Slumped on the floor in a sitting pose of overwhelmed self-pity, he asks to be left alone.
At school the next day, which Parker DID show up to, camera crews are setting up the taping of Kraven the Vampire Slayer during the lunch period. “Don’t applaud or engage him in any way,” the student body is told by one of the show’s executives. “Just act casual.” So I hope that means more Kong kicking Peter Parker right in his bony butt. The school is very excited to see this has-been prowl around the school like he’s looking for wildlife.
The executive continues by explaining that they’re shooting some of the Kraven episode here because it was one of the first places Spider-Man was seen. Also, Kraven ain’t signing autographs! As a reminder, don’t talk to the man. Don’t even look at him. In fact, children make him jumpy, so just kind of… you know, kind of… just get the fuck out.
Hey! Spastic Herb! Great superhero name!
The students continue eating. Stacy (whose mom has got it goin’ on)…er, I mean, Gwen, asks why Parker looks all banged up. They do some heavy-handed flirtin’ right in front of MJ, so let’s see if there’s a panel with her dissatisfied glowering…yep! Luckily for Mary Jane “Red Hot Temper” Watson, the conversation shifts immediately to the arrival of Kraven the Cunter. Ha! He’s all scowly. He really doesn’t want to be there.
Daily Bugle’s very own Betty Brant is there to harass Kraven with questions for her shitty article that Jameson won’t like anyway ‘cause he’s a grumpypuss. “Why Spider-Man?” she asks. Great question, Betty! Almost four words long. Kraven answers vaguely, half-heartedly, that this is his calling. It’s life’s next great challenge. Brant says that maybe, possibly, since Spider-Man was connected to the Hammer Dome Scandal (my words, damnit, I’m taking the credit!), that maybe, possibly, Spider-Man should be handled by the proper authorities and not some TMZ celebrity jerkoff icon? Wait, TMZ wasn’t around yet…hmm, how about Better Homes and Gardens? Good enough.
In the midst of such a question, Brant called Kraven’s stunt a “game”. Whoa now, lady! A “game”? A “GAME”? Listen, bitch, Kraven the Hunter does not “play games” when it comes to the hunt. In fact, this hunt is helping the authorities more than anything. So step off muh nutz, Jack.
Brant doesn’t stop so easily. “…but Spider-Man was here weeks ago– the Goblin fight. That was weeks ago.” lol, Brant is right. I’m glad she said it! What a dumb bunch of shit, sir! Gotcha!
Kraven approaches the boarded up hole in the wall from the fight and touches the wood like it’s whispering secrets in his ears. Secrets like “drill a hole in me and stick it right through for a surprise, baby”. He makes sideways glances at everyone behind him as he works his magic. 45 panels later, Gwen announces that this guy smells like kitty litter. Kraven hovers over her threateningly.
LATER ALREADY? I wanted to see Kraven flex his skills some more! Man. Well, it’s after school now, and Peter Parker’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl has just finished sewing his tights back up.
No way, lady. Piss poor job. Looks like total shit.
Parker’s all “gee whiz. wow. jeepers,” and starts putting it on while MJ grills him about Gwen. When asked what he thinks, he says “Uh–she’s all right. Kind of screwy, don’t you think?”, but then blows it by praising her quirkiness. MJ makes a deflated-balloon face and shuffles away. Dingus fucked up again, it wouldn’t be a Spider-Man issue otherwise.
There’s another one of those lengthy “you seem mad”/”I’m not mad” exchanges as she storms off butthurt while he frowns brow a-furrowed. WOMEN! AM I CORRECT OR WHAT?
Downtown, Hammer is getting mobbed by the press while he tries to walk through the lobby of his office building. Just a whole barrage of Otto Octavius this and Dome Project that! He mumbles and grumbles about this public relations disaster that has befallen his treasured reputation. In the elevator, surrounded only by his own people, he tells one lady to shut up after she comments upon how well he’s handling the ordeal. Hammer grinds his teeth, head in his hands.
“Dr. Skrtic is calling from the lab in Jersey…” she says.
“Tell him to stay away from me before ah go over there and beat him with my shoe.”
…
“WHERE WERE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN WHEN MY PROPERTY WAS BEING DESTROYED, YOU PHONY #$#@$@!!” he decides to yell into the phone anyway, throwing out a six-letter word so tasteless that we have to mask it with punctuation from the keyboard number row!
The only people Hammer wants to talk to are the S.H.I.E.L.D. people, but they’re not contacting him at all. “That’s just not good,” Hammer fidgets, knowing that the government agency is avoiding him. And just when the day couldn’t get any worse, well, look who awaits to greet him in his private office?
Get your keister off my expensive lignum vitae wood desk, son.
Hammer’s personal guards reach for their guns, but Spider-Man webs those suckers right out of their hands! Also the lady’s cell phone. I don’t know her name. Bertha? Zooey? How about Mallory McElroy!
“You’ve got some nerve coming up here, young man,” blurts out Hammer. He certainly does, doesn’t he? I agree! So does he! His whole purpose here is to let Hammer know, in person, that his intentions are to help him. That’s it! So go fuck yourself, trashing him on the news like that yesterday. What a chicken dinner full of poop, sir. “What, trying to divert attention from the fact that this Doctor Octopus is trying to kill you or something?” he remarks bluntly.
“You can marry Doc Ock for all I care. You deserve each other. I’m going home to watch Letterman,” Spider-Man pouts and attempts to take his leave.
I see a twinkle in Hammer’s eye, which is impossible! He’s printed on comic book paper!
“How much?” he asks. “How much to take care of it? The doctah with the ahms. How much do you want to take care of him?” Pahk the cah in the Hahvahd yahd! *gets sniped in the head by Lee Harvey Oswald*
Spidey’s all like “hrrrrrr”. Hammer smiles. “Fifty-thousand.”
“First you slam me in the press for trying to help you…and now you offer me money to do what I was willing to do for free before you slammed me in the press for doing it?” Spidey says. Again, go fuck yourself. He leaves out the window.
Mallory McElroy McFibber comments upon how well he handled that ordeal. Zip the lip, honey. Her phone and hand are both plastered to her face. She tells Hammer that Skrtic is trying to reach him again for an urgent matter. Hammer huffs and puts Skrtic on his Big Screen TV 2000. Skrtic is silent and motionless.
“Yes?” Hammer impatiently nudges. Skrtic says nothing. A single drop of blood drips from…somewhere. Then he falls over. Then Doc Ock presents himself on the screen.
Hey there, uh…so…uh…what’re you wearing?
Hammer still tries to play Mr. Innocent Bystander Collateral Damage. “W-what do you want from me, Otto? I don’t even understand what this is about!”, and Doc Ock goes “Suuuuure you don’t, girlfriend.” Payback time! Don’t dish out checks that your butt can’t cash back, or whatever! Heh heh. Uhm
Payback for what, exactly? Feast your eyes ON THIS! *robot tentacles flop around*
Egads! Hammer takes this confrontation as an act of disrespect! “You want to say something to me? You have a problem with me? You tell me to my face.” And Doc Ock, being the respectable bowl-cutted tall drink of hot water that he is, agrees to these terms. “I’ll tell you to your face. Let’s make a deal.”
“You know, Otto…If you harm me…you get nothing. You know that.”
Doc Ock smirks. “I do.”
Now they’re married.
Hammer and his crew get chauffeured off in his limousine while other cars honk and pass by the fucker. Mallory McElroy McNuggets urges Hammer to get the police involved, but that’s a fool-ass idea right there! Why, so Hammer can give them a tour of the illegal lab of unethical human experimentation? Hmm? Maybe the squads can get an eyeful of the Butt-for-Face Plastic Surgery Wing? Forget it, sister! Hammer’s on his own! He’ll deal with this! But first, what’s with all the infernal honking?
Oh, the Spider Boy is hitching a ride atop the limo. I wonder what that stupid kid is up to now?
Meanwhile, Kraven the Hunter is having some sexy kanoodling time with Betty Brant when his freckly agent bursts into the dressing room! “Get this! He’s riding on top of a limo going down the Jersey turnpike!” he says to Kraven the Pussy (lol). Get your coat, hot shot, it’s time to hunt!
Get out of here, Opie! I’m taking advantage of the perks, if you hunt my drift.
Night time now. Hammer’s limo rolls up to Hammer Ind., where there’s a giant hammer on the logo (foreshadowing! Watch the hammer closely! Hint: his name’s Hammer!). The chickenshit keeps quivering in his seat repeating “He gets nothing if he kills me. He gets nothing if he kills me.”
But it’s far worse than death that awaits him, oh yes. It’s…
…THE MEDIA!
“And there he is, ladies and gentlemen of the press–” declares Otto to the crowd before him as Hammer’s car drives up, “–the man who made me what I am today–” Otto slaps his tentacles around, “–the man who turned my life into the horror you see before you.”
“Any questions?”
Final Thoughts
Yeah, I got a question! Do you wipe your butt with those things, man?
Haha, puerile! It’s gonna get ugly folks! You hate to see it! It’s Hammer Time!
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