Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5 – “Sinestro (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5 – “Sinestro (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan doesn’t die in the battery. It rejects him and spits him out whole when it discovers that he’s not Sinestro. He gets thrown in a cell and his power runs out.

Sinestro eventually gets thrown in a cell too after a session of torture renders his green ring completely unscratched. The cell contains a bunch of civilians, including Arsona, who hate Sinestro’s fucking guts. Jordan gives Sinestro the idea to create a whole pile of green rings for his people to use in a fight against the corps. He does so successfully…

…but they declare that they can now get their revenge…

…against…

…

…HIM! AAAHHHHHH!!!

So let’s continue.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 5)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

Finally, Hal Jordan is on the cover. TWO AGAINST A THOUSAND! Sinestro got Jordan entirely on his side in less than, what, 10 hours or something? And why does Jordan get a mask and Sinestro doesn’t? Is Jordan planning on robbing a bank? Is Sinestro anti-mask?? So many questions.

Arsona still isn’t done taking the piss out of Sinestro. She just keeps going on and on about betrayal, trust, dictatorships, accountability, abuse of power, and it’s making Sinestro very sad! He’s frowning, the poor little guy!

“But now the people you put under your boot heel will execute you with the power you used against us. FIRE!” she instructs her crew of newly-appointed Greenish Lanterns. Sinestro stands there hunched like a tired dog, ready to just take it. You know, take it like a dog. He’s really cruising for a bruising! He’s coasting for a roasting! He’s scouring for some overpowering! He’s tunnelling for a pummelling! He’s journeying for a gurneying! He’s-

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

The Korugar Vincent Price has bested us once again!

Do you think Sinestro is SO FUCKING DUMB that the rings HE MADE HIMSELF would be able to harm him whatsoever? Didn’t you talk to Hal Jordan?! He tried that shit already! Issue #2! Old news! Catch up!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

You are now able to crack the code with your secret decoder ring. Ready? BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE.

Arsona is in furious denial and tries to cheerlead her group into trying again, but Hal Jordan butts in to say that they need to conserve their powers for the real threat. He doesn’t say anything about having already tried destroying him a few hours ago with a Sinestro-crafted ring, which I would think is very important information for Arsona (who is now so angry there are tears running down her face) and the other Korugar civilians. She gives it everything she has and tries blasting him again! And it works!

Jordan is thrown back from his cell wall. Sinestro is untouched, and Arsona is finally told that the ring can’t harm its creator. Arsona goes back to yelling at him about what he did, which is getting old for even Hal Jordan at this point. Jordan butts in again to explain how much he hates Sinestro’s guts and how many times Sinestro has already ruined his piss-stained life, but now they share a common goal and everyone needs to be on the same goddamned page! OK?! Christ…

Sinestro agrees that time’s a-wastin’, so he instructs his people to fire when ready as he prepares to open the cell door. Hal Jordan, in essence, asks him “with what, your dick?” since the rings are useless against them. Nope! Sinestro’s got a Plan B.

Back outside, Professor Insidd is trying to figure out how to discharge Sinestro’s lantern, which keeps hovering and glowing and taunting the lot of them. Some corps goons show up to tell the professor that the lantern may be interfering with their own yellow rings, since they’ve been working like shit ever since Sinestro got here. Professor Insidd says “NONSENSE, POOPYPANTS!” and peers directly into the lantern. It blasts a hole right through him, severing his top half in-twain! Gross!

Then the lantern flies off! The surviving corps members chase after it! You can tell the lantern is laughing to itself! HA HA HAAAAA!

It blasts a hole in the cell, freeing the prisoners, but the yellow corps dudes are already running toward them before they have a chance to walk on out.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

Hahaha. “NO FEAR”. Let’s listen to Lamb of God and watch some Motocross.

As the Korugarians start blasting their way to freedom, Sinestro throws Jordan the lantern and tells him to join in on the fun!

The rings will only last another minute. If Sinestro tried to make them any stronger, the extra strain on the rings would’ve broken them. “You can’t break the ring.” Jordan insists, but Sinestro tells him that he’s broken two rings already in his day!

The Korugarians keep fighting. Sinestro just needs enough of a distraction to get the lantern back into the giant yellow central battery. Jordan’s like “ARE YOU BATSHIT LOONEY, SIR?”, but Sinestro tells him that he fucked up and did it wrong in the first place! Always the fuck-up, that Hal Jordan! At least that’s what I’VE learned here through my Green Lantern adventures.

But, ho hum, I guess it’s not entirely Jordan’s fault. After all, he was wearing a Sinestro ring and he was carrying Sinestro’s lantern. We, the attentive reading audience, already know that the battery spit Jordan out in one piece once it realized that he wasn’t who it thought he was. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid to venture back in.” Sinestro asks haughtily.

The Korugarians’ rings are starting to vanish. Sinestro explains that some yellow energy needs to be siphoned into the lantern in order for the battery to think that it needs to go into survival mode…so, if Hal Jordan and Thaal Sinestro both close their eyes and try reaallllyy hard, the battery will start siphoning energy from the yellow rings to compensate! This sounds like plot hole shit to me! Bah.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

No way, sucker. This meat’s staying alive.

So as one of them leaps toward Arsona with a killing strike, the yellow rings suddenly crackle and burst into blinding waves of yellow light. The corps members, all of them, lie still on the ground. Smoldering.

Sinestro claims they aren’t dead, just in a forced coma state until the battery is activated again. Which he won’t ever activate again. “How do we know that?” asks the ever-skeptical Arsona. But the rest of her clan, they’re hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheering him on. “HOORAY FOR SINESTRO!” “YAY, SINESTRO!” they all cheer, carrying on like a bunch of loser Whos from Whoville!

“I do not deserve your praise or trust, little ones.” Sinestro says with an air of condescension and scorn befitting of a man who actually does believe he deserves every little ounce of praise and trust that he can wring dry from these peons. He does, with sincerity, promise his people that he will rid the planet of the yellow corps, as well as the battery that energized their slavedriving rings. He apologizes to Arsona one last time, perhaps hoping to get a little nookie for the road, but alas! “No, Sinestro. The children may be too young to remember, but we are not. Go. And if you ever return to Korugar, you will return as our enemy.” she says with the finality of a woman who once loved this bastard about 100 years ago and is too hurt to continue loving such a bastard.

Sinestro and Hal Jordan fuck off from Planet Korugar, with Sinestro single-handedly hauling a giant cargo consisting of the battery and the sad-sack comatose yellow corps members. Jordan offers his assistance, but Sinestro knows that the last person the guardians want to see is Hal “Beats Up Actors While They’re Filming Movies” Jordan.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

lol

They have a heart-to-heart, but they both hate each other’s guts and aren’t afraid to speak aloud about it. Jordan tells Sinestro that saving his planet is far from redemption. A whole history of killing innocent people, murdering other Green Lanterns, yaaawwwnnn. Get over it, Hal, and get your bone on like we all know you want to! No shame!

Sinestro’s not going to waste one more second with Hal Jordan at this point. “Our pact is over, go the fuck home” he tells him in kinder words. Hal gets to keep the ring, as promised, but Sinestro never said anything about giving him a lantern to charge it! Ha! So long sucker! He flies away into outer space, and he slingshots Jordan back to Earth like the piece of space junk that he is!

Jordan crashes into a pile of garbage in a dark alley, and that’s an lol from me.

“I have to find a way to charge this ring. I need to get a lantern. It’s all I have.” Jordan cries pathetically. “It’s all I…want.” he finishes with a dumbass look on his face.

He runs over to the airport to meet up with Carol Ferris. She gets out of her car and immediately mentions seeing him on TV with Sinestro cavorting around as Green Lanterns during that whole busted bridge incident. Before she can finish asking him what the HELL is going on, he kisses her and asks her to let him talk.

I’m glad he doesn’t recap the entirety of the last five issues right here and now! He cuts to the chase! But really, he tells her the “important part”, which to him (and NOT to me!) is that he conjured up a construct of her in his holding cell. It was the last thing he wanted to see before his ring ran out of green juice.

“Just give me a second chance.” he begs of her.

“Technically, this would be your tenth.” she responds, grinning, even though we all know that Hal’s tenth will be far from his last.

Blech.

FINALLY, on the planet of the Powerful Smurfs, the guardians are discussing Sinestro’s victory over the yellow corps. First they were able to get rid of Hal Jordan, and now they successfully got rid of Sinestro and his army of drooling yellow energy parasites!

“It is time to proceed to the chamber of shadows and free the First Lantern!” one declares.

For you see, it is the First Lantern that will lead the Third Army. And it is the Third Army that will replace the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #5

Yeah, you and what army?? … oh

“WE ARE GUARDIANS. WE WILL NOT BE STOPPED.”

Final Thoughts

Someone’s gotta try stopping those guardians! They seem bad!

Some sources call this the end of the Sinestro storyline, but au contraire! The next issue will wrap it all up! Look at how much I know about comic book storylines! I’m really a Comic Book Kinda Guy.

Until next time, keep your green light lit. Or something!


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[2021 Overflow] Amyl and the Sniffers, Diablo Swing Orchestra, and Colleen Green

It may be 11pm Central Time, but it’s still Wednesday, damnit, and I’m here with my usual Wednesday offering. The 2021 Overflow reaches the finale. OR DOES IT! Methinks I’ll have a grand finale next week, but until then here are the final three full-scale feature reviews of 2021 and then I’m moving on to fresher merchandise. Read on for my dumb words about last year’s albums from Amyl and the Sniffers, Diablo Swing Orchestra, and Colleen Green.

Amyl and the Sniffers – Comfort to Me
(September 10, 2021)

Amyl and the Sniffers - Comfort to Me

Lead singer Amy Taylor describes the band’s music as something one gets incredibly high on for 30 seconds and then it’s just a massive headache. I think that’s fair. Named after the Australian slang for poppers, the confrontationally loud pub rock band makes a grandiose statement of…loud rock music for the sake of loud rock music. Like a long lost kindred spirit of the Metro Detroit hard rock groups of the late ’60s (you know the ones), the band plays the kind of rock and roll that can ONLY be pulled off by the true believers. They released their sophomore album Comfort to Me last September and, indeed, it was #15 on my 2021 Top 25.

What can I say to really do it justice? These words will not suffice! From the urgent melodic guitar licks on “Guided by Angels” to the thumping momentum of “Snakes”; from the hardcore punk aggression of “Freaks to the Front” to the in-your-face and self-actualized feminist anger of “Laughing”; from the throbbing bass lament of “Knifey” to the blistering guitar solo in “Security”; everything front to back, up to down, side-to-side and in between, oozes credible intensity, heart, spirit, soul, and any other kind of clichéd honorific of tenderness you want to assign the the ethos of rock and roll as a mission statement. This band is the real fucking deal. You won’t find anything else from 2021 that even comes close.

Early Verdict:

Diablo Swing Orchestra – Swagger & Stroll Down the Rabbit Hole
(November 2, 2021)

Diablo Swing Orchestra - Swagger & Stroll Down the Rabbit Hole

Ahhh, Diablo Swing Orchestra. One of the many relics of my Mike Patton-obsessed early adulthood. I all but fell out of love with this band in the early ’10s as I branched out from the glut of circus-themed alternative avant-prog Bungle-core that filled most of my listening hours at the time. Their first two albums are stellar, and I haven’t really given them much attention since. A love rekindled with their fifth album, verily! But ’tis a bittersweet love. I am reminded that one can never truly turn back time…

OK, enough of that happy horsefuck. Bottom line: I used to love this band, but I grew up! As such, 20-year-old me would’ve been leaking genital fluid over this, but 34-year-old me enjoys it purely for the nostalgia factor. I just can’t get too excited for purposefully genre-defying twists and turns anymore, no matter how technically proficient and talented the band might be. Part of the problem too is that 60 minutes of this kind of music is far too much to handle in one sitting. The ear gets bored, man!

Enough negativity. Here are the highlights: “Sightseeing in the Apocalypse”, the intro track, is a pleasant, albeit inessential lead-in, as intros often are. But it’s a jaunty march to be sure! Some lush strings, some theatrical singing, really setting the mood, painting a picture for the listening audience and all that. But, certainly, since this is Diablo Swing Orchestra, forget what you just heard, because they’ll get weird with it quickly enough. “Celebremos lo Inevitable” shows off some cozy traditional Mexican dance music interspersed with speed metal riffage, fusing these two disparate elements into a natural combination. They even hired a coach to ensure all the Spanish pronunciations and inflections were as authentic as possible.

The only other track that really grabbed me was “Snake Oil Baptism”, which has an incredible brass arrangement with songwriting that sounds like Zeppelin or Aerosmith at their funkiest.

That’s about it, though. Not a bad album by any means, but definitely a challenge. Lots of reviews bitch about the production, but I don’t know what the HELL any of them are talking about. The sound is crisp and lively, son.

Early Verdict:

Colleen Green – Cool
(September 10, 2021)

Colleen Green - Cool

Colleen Green is cool! Just Google her and you’ll see. She’s wearing sunglasses in almost every photo. Can’t get cooler than that.

Know what else is cool? Her fifth album’s pretty cool. It’s not as cool as it thinks it is, but as an insufferable millennial whose drive for media consumption is fueled by a gas tank brimming with pure nostalgia, I’m charmed by how absolutely ’90s this is from head to toe. When I was a little sprat, my teenage sister was cool. All her albums from bored and snarky slacker proto-hipsters that exemplified the Gen X slacker persona were cool.

Colleen Green really tries to lean into it, but she doesn’t incorporate enough rocking grunginess to make this a real Gen X pastiche. She had the perfect chance with “I Wanna Be a Dog”, which is a take on one of the sleazier Stooges songs, but instead it’s kind of cutesy and clean using all those dog metaphors to show that she’s just doing all that dog stuff anyway! Barking at a closed door. Communicating from her tail end. That kind of thing.

What works for me is that the music is earnestly quirky. The krautrock progression of “Natural Chorus”, the attempts at self-forgiveness with “It’s Nice to Be Nice”, the bold title of “Pressure to Cum”, which is a fanciful instrumental closer. None of it gets on my nerves; it’s actually quite pleasant and fun.

Not a desert island album by any means, but it was a pretty good late summer album. Assuredly, I might have the itch to spin it again in 2022 at around the same time, a few weeks before the autumn chill sets in.

Early Verdict:


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Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Credibility Gap”

* Part 5 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *
* Part 1 of 3 of the Power and Glory storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Credibility Gap”! In the previous installment, Steve Rogers hates all the attention he’s getting on the streets, but his faithful friend Hawkeye tells him to stop walking around in the suit, dummy.

Captain America fights an old nemesis downtown, Batroc, but learns that Batroc only showed up to fight him because he was getting paid by Hydra, much to Captain America’s vexation, but we the audience learn it’s because the inevitable fall will be so much sweeter if the Cap’n public image keeps soaring. Sounds dumb because it IS dumb!

Also, something about Red Skull being back. That means nothing to me right now!

With Issue #5, we begin a three-part sub-story to polish off this overall arc: “Power and Glory”. And if the cover is any indication, the story will end with Hydra paying the price because Captain America is mad. Look forward to that.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [May, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Credibility Gap”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

We begin in a subsurface Hydra base under the Thames River in London. The alarms are sounding, the Hydra Grunts are running every which-way. The base is under attack! One of them is happy, because “frankly, I could use the target practice.” Those Hydra guys are ready for anything!

…buuuhhh, except for…

…wait for it…

“THE DOUBLE-TEAM OF CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THOR, THE NORSE GOD OF THUNDER!”

*cue nine hours of flatulence*

So Cap’n and Thormp are whacking Hydra guys left and right, and I’m sitting here like “these little green bitches have guns, just shoot from far away”. Do you think Thor, who wears nothing to cover his arms, is going to be able to shake off four bullets in the bicep?? Give it a try, idiots, who cares if you take out a few of your own dispensable men in the process? You’re all the same anyway.

“Captain, have a care! Their numbers multiply!” screams Thor, implying that the Hydra Guys fuck like bunnies and produce new generations of inbred drones within seconds. Cap’n is more than ready though. He announces that, in case they haven’t heard, he’s fuckin’ FED UP with their SHIT. “This isn’t a fight. This is war.” he declares, kicking one in the neck.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

And like all other wars, this one starts with a shin to the chin!

Team Hydra is scared. One calls the Paris branch for backup. Paris acknowledges, but they’ve got their own problem: Iron Man and…uh…*checks Wikipedia*…Scarlet Witch, maybe? They’ve infiltrated Paris’ base and they’re terrorizin’ and throwin’ shit around themselves. Captain America informs the little green dipshits that he’s got Avengers tearing every Hydra base worldwide! And they’re not going to stop until Cap’n finds out WHY they’re TERRORIZING HIM! I mean, terrorizing the world is one thing, but now it’s personal. A real man of the people, this guy!

The Hydra Guy stammers and tells Cap’n that he has no idea, honestly. “Hydra has been fragmented for months!” he gulps, “We have no specific agenda!” This is where Cap’n calls him a liar, and the guy admits that a smaller faction, maybe, possibly, he heard from a cousin he thinks, might be targeting the Good Captain. The faction is led by the Sensational Hydra! And he could be anywhere. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. shows up (four of them) to cuff and arrest the Hydra group (like, 50+) while Cap’n and Thor get the hell out of there. In a twist, one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. guys unmasks himself (and also changes his clothes between panels, somehow, mid-sentence) and kills his own man! It’s the Sensational Hydra! He thanks the dead guy for telling Cap’n what he wanted him to know and scurries off cackling. The S.H.I.E.L.D. guys are like “grrrr, not again!”.

America Man and Thunder Man have no idea what just went down at the London Hydra base. They are already back in New York! Thor relishes. “Ah! Once again, Captain, our feet tread the good earth…here in the land called Brooklyn, just as you have requested!” Jesus Christ, man. Remind me never to read any Thor comics, or any more Mark Waid comics for that matter. They walk into a diner and make a spectacle out of themselves immediately.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Nice clothes. Did someone knock the wall down at the asylum?

Cap and Thor talk about this Sensational Hydra fellow. Cap’n says that it would be best to confront him alone, and Thor respects this but still asks if he’s sure. Instead of answering the question, Cap’n launches into another rant about how much the people have been showering him with adoration jizz from their adoration dicks, so to speak. Thor’s not listening to this, he was busy “musing upon the enchantment of the hammer, Mjolnir”. Yeah, and I did that three or four times last night myself, my dude.

Thor then tells Captain to get a grip, pal. Thor and his kind have been “worshipped by mortals for eons”. It’s all good, brother. Roll with it. “What keeps you from becoming arrogant about it?” Cap’n asks him, and Thor drops some philosophy on him: “Should we someday lose the attentions of those who believe in us…would we cease to exist…?” Profound, sir. Now ask him the sound of one hand clapping.

Next, some random guy, for whatever reason, is holding a small TV in front of Captain America in the diner to show him a news report. The Sensational Hydra has taken hostages! Come find him! Alone! There’s truly a cinder block on the gas pedal of this plot vehicle.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Villainy now on Betamax!

He’s at the Empire State Building, which is convenient because now Captain America doesn’t have to fly over yet another ocean in four seconds like he did 25 minutes ago! Cap’n makes his way over while news crews mob him in hopes of getting a juicy statement! One news anchor is wearing an “I <3 Cap” pin on her lapel, which Captain steals without asking and thanks her. One guy even wants to go into the building with him, but Cap’n tells him to kindly go fuck a duck.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

I ♣️ Cap!

Hydra jerks are wearing big, bright crossing-guard uniforms now. It’s funny to see these idiots wear colors that stick out in any room they’re ever in. Cap’n throws the pin to the floor to distract them for less than two nanoseconds before running through the group fists a-blazin’.

The sound of a camera goes off. It’s the one guy who wanted to go into the building with him, he just couldn’t resist! He’s got wavy blonde hair, glasses, and a gross blonde mustache. Cap’n knocks him to the floor as more Hydra guys open fire down the hallway. He tells Blonde ‘Stache to follow him and follow every goddamned order he throws out.

Cap’n Crunch blocks a bunch of rounds in a stairwell and smashes a couple creeps with his shield. Blonde ‘Stache applauds his heroics and asks about living up to the massive reputation. Once Cap’n grumbles, Blonde ‘Stache nudges him further. “Don’t tell me you don’t find all the adoration seductive, Captain.” Sounds to me like Blonde ‘Stache wants to get him a little arm candy for a lovely dinner date tonight!

And, again, again and again, over and over, he talks about the suit and the name being a symbol, not something to worship. Especially not for this particular “fight”. These Hydra guys aren’t even trying! He suspects a setup. A trap. A ruse. A scam. A con game. A feint. A grift, see? A deceit. A fix.

But he’s not worried! Cap’n tells Blonde ‘Stache to stay behind him, and, behind his back, Blonde ‘Stache morphs into the Sensational Hydra! Oh no!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Not the Bubble Gum Man! Ye Gods!

Cap’n is taken aback! The Hydra in the next room open fire! Panic! The Sensational Hydra morphs again, this time into a goblin! Now the Hydra crew are taken aback! “The Leader — He’s a shapeshifter?” one boggles, surprised. This Sensational Hydra is pulling a fast one on everybody! He’s a Skrull! Aha, I know that word. Marvel Universe, you’ve done it again!

Now that the Sensational Hydra has betrayed his Skrull-itude, he has no use for the stupid, smelly little Hydra people. He instructs two of his Skrull-men, disguised as human hostages, to shoot bullets into them! “NOOOOOOO!” yells Crap-Ton America, but he can’t help them now! The Skrullfuckers shoot cum-bullets that wrap around his body and bind him, rendering him unable to move. “Skrull Handcuffs.” says King Skrull. They’re designed to contain Skrull, so shapeshifting won’t even work, let alone puny-muscled American heroes! Har har! America Man is screwed now!

Skrulligan tells America all about his ploy: infiltrating Hydra, boosting Captain’s clout, and then holding him prisoner. Because if the whole world respects Captain America enough to listen to everything he says and approve anything he does…

…then Shapeshifter Jones can pretend to be Captain America and then do naughty, bad things!

And why is he doing this?? BECAUSE, he- nah, just read the panel:

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Although I took the liberty of making the penis about five inches longer.

So now revenge can finally be dished out. Beef Skrullington takes Cap’n shield and leaves, promising to come back later to force out some information. The kind only Captain America would know.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Big weekend coming up for Skrullman!

Skrull-Cap parachutes down from the building to greet his awaiting, clamoring, ravenous fanbase.

Skrull-Cap’s henchmen toss Captain America in a supply closet.

Skrull-Cap talks to the press; claims that the Hydra took their own lives! Oh well! The Hydra threat is over! “I’ve come to the conclusion that there are things to be done in this country — and Captain America is just the man to do them. With the power of the people behind me…nothing can stand in my way.”

Final Thoughts

Finally, FINALLY, this story is shaking out to be interesting and not completely braindead. I’m looking forward to seeing the Captain America impostor jerking it in someone’s face in New York City. Maybe a 1998 Donald Trump? That would be Captastic!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 – “Sinestro (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 – “Sinestro (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan and Sinestro fly to Korugar in order to stop the yellow corps that have enslaved the planet. Sinestro’s plan is to create a diversion while Jordan flies into the yellow central battery with a green lantern. This will disrupt the yellow light, which will power down the corps’ yellow rings. A fine plan! I don’t see any issues!

Oh wait, when Hal Jordan enters the battery with the lantern, the battery detects its presence and initiates a disintegration sequence. The last thing we see is the remnants of Jordan’s dissolved body. Whoops!

The last thing Jordan thinks is that he’s been set up, but Sinestro observes the disintegration with complete alarm, confusion, and panic.

Get it while the gettin’s good! Let’s see what happens next.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 4)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

As Hal Jordan is dying of being dissolved alive in some strange yellow battery acid, he sees visions of his relationship with Carol Ferris, but only the bad stuff. None of the sexy times. Just the scoldy times. “It was a mistake to get involved in the first place.” and “I think it’d be better if we didn’t see each other again.”

Jordan is screaming. The battery recognizes him as not being Sinestro, and aborts transport to the “antimatter universe”. The battery starts to go haywire, and Sinestro wonders aloud if Hal Jordan actually succeeded. But then the battery spits out an unlit green lantern (as in, a lantern that is green, not an unlit Hal Jordan ha ha ha whaaaat?), and Sinestro’s face falls. And then the battery spits out an unlit Hal Jordan! Fully integrated, not at all a pile of goo, possibly unconscious, and his hair still looks good.

One of the Sinestro Corps henchmen asks for some guy named Arkillo. “Tell him we have the traitor! Tell him we have Sinestro!” Another henchman warns the others that Sinestro can defeat any of them if he goes near their rings; he defeated Mongul that way, you know. He’s good with the rings, he can rig them!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

You leave a beautiful corpse, sir.

Another ugly corps creep with a dorsal fin fish head and the bird beak gets all nice and close to Sinestro’s glowing green ring. He can’t believe his eyes that Sinestro would just betray his own corps like this! They plan to remove Sinestro’s ring and take Hal Jordan to the “decharging cells” so that they can kill him as soon as he’s out of power.

They throw him right in the brig! He uses his ring to try to bust out, but his efforts prove futile. He was even warned that it wouldn’t work, but he tried anyway. And now his ring is already almost out of power, and he should probably find a recharge station quick. Hal Jordan is driving a Tesla in the middle of Iowa here, you see, and he’s about to be stranded. He has enough power left for one more move, so he needs to make it count.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

WARNING. POSSESSER OF THIS RING IS A DOOFUS.

So he decides to conjure up an image of Carol Ferris. Good idea, that’ll get you outta there! He makes the image smile at him, and he says a simple “I’m sorry.” to it before it vanishes in a wisp of green glowing green lantern green glow!

Hal Jordan frowns in the dark.

Meanwhile, Sinestro is having the time of his life entangled and writhing and yelling in some weird, glowing yellow skeletal restraint. One henchman points out that he had never heard Sinestro scream in pain before. Seems weird and unnatural, man. He doesn’t like it and wants to stop, but another guy insists on continuing. “Curses, no. We don’t want Sinestro lucid enough to create any constructs, do we?”

So the conjured-up images and objects from the ring are called CONSTRUCTS! All right, now I’m hep to the lingo, baby.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

How many hegatoxes are there in a schmoogenvolt?

What I can only assume are jolts of electricity, or something comparable, shoot through Sinestro’s body as he screams and wriggles and swivels and bops. The ring should’ve been destroyed by now, but it’s still intact even after all this punishment. Sinestro huffs and puffs and points out that it’s HIM that’s resilient, not the ring. He threatens the one called Professor Insidd: “Release me or die.” HA! ARE YOU KIDDING! WITH YOUR PAIN LEVELS AT SEVENTEEN HEGATOX?? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!

Hal Jordan’s power is gone, which means he’s now dressed smartly in his dinner-date suit and tie. The brig door creaks open, revealing a window view to the outside of the room. Jordan presses his ear next to it and listens to a conversation between two corps members about their failure so far to remove and/or destroy Sinestro’s ring. The new plan is to drain Sinestro’s ring of its power as well, so IN THE BRIG WITH YOU, YOU SCALAWAG!

Sinestro’s cell isn’t empty, though, it’s full of civilians. Men, women, children, the whole package. He tries to comfort a small child, but she and the rest of the prisoners cower and back away from him. Irked, he asks them what they’re afraid of, and Arsona pipes in: “They’re afraid of you, Thaal Sinestro.” Ooooooh, that one smarts!

Arsona airs out her dirty laundry here and now. Sinestro tells her that she was right to support him, but that was the WRONG thing to say, sir! She pushes him hard against the wall and doubles down: “I was wrong to have anything to do with you!”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

In short, I was loyal to you like a dumbass for far too long.

Hal Jordan, in the adjacent cell, jumps back from the WHAMM of Sinestro hitting the wall. Wake me up before you go-go! Hahaha. wham.

Sinestro continues to defend himself and his actions, but Arsona tells him that he had turned the symbol of the Green Lantern into a “symbol of terror”. Backed into a corner, both literally and metaphorically, he insists that the corps is now performing acts that he himself would have never allowed. Arsona doesn’t want to hear any of it. “We trusted you! We believed in you! I did! But you betrayed us. You betrayed me.”

The civilians are just standing there silently watching the show. Sinestro, now that he’s back on Korugar, is offering to help fix the pesky little enslavement problem they’ve got going on here, but Arsona, speaking for the people, don’t want Sinestro’s help. She says the same thing Hal had told him: he started this whole mess. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that jazz.

When Arsona says her partner would’ve said the same thing (but he’s dead now), Sinestro finally takes pause for a few moments. He apologizes. Arsona tells him that his empty regrets and apologies won’t fix anything, and the planet is beyond fixing anyway.

Jordan, who had been listening to the whole exchange with giant headlight eyeballs, chimes in so that they can all hear him. He reminds Sinestro that he created a green ring for him. Subpar, certainly, but it did the job. “You want to give your people the ability to fight back…” he leads him on.

Sinestro thinks about it, but says that divvying up the power among 100 rings wouldn’t be good enough. Maybe only 5 or 10 minutes of power each. Hal Jordan says that it’s the only chance anyone has.

So Sinestro assumes the position and poops out enough green rings for everyone in the cell with him.

They don’t look particularly thrilled for the opportunity.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Ugh. I hate having all the power in the universe.

As everyone dons a green ring and turns into Little Lanterns, Arsona declares that Sinestro succeeded.

“You gave us the chance to finally get our revenge…”

“…ON YOU.”

Eep!

Final Thoughts

Sinestro done fucked up! I don’t know what this guy did to piss everyone off, but- OH WAIT, yes I do, the whole “ruining the planet” thing. Ha! I forgot!

Sinestro is having a tough time earning everyone’s trust, but this silver-tongued motherfucker was able to get Hal Jordan on his side. Will he be able to win over his people? Do he and Arsona have a history? Does he want to bang her? Probably!

Tune in next time for more Greened-Lantern Goodness.


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Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”

* Part 4 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”! In the previous installment, Hydra took over the Smithsonian in order to lure Captain America there so they can try to kill him. It worked. Not the killing Captain America part, unfortunately that didn’t work.

Afterward, Captain America declares war on Hydra and will not rest until Hydra has been thoroughly warred out.

At Hydra Headquarters, where the new head of the Hydra is some Joker-type looney, it is requested to bring in Batroc. Whoever that is.

Yeah. Exciting.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [April, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Capmania”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

We open with a full-page spread in New York City, where Captain America is fighting a Hydra Guy at the NBC building at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Wait, I’m sorry, it’s actually the “HBC” building. It has a peacock symbol and everything, though, so we await the inevitable lawsuit.

Hydra Guy threw a nerve gas can off the building. Captain America leaps off the building to try to catch it. He does grab it mid-air, and he’s about three inches from the ground before someone shoots an arrow with a rope tied to it at the building. Cap’n grabs onto it and returns safely to street level.

The guy with the bow and arrow is! … uh

Well, he’s purple. Ah, Hawkeye! Jeremy Renner. Certainly. Hawkeye captured the Hydra Guy in a net while Cap’n was plummeting for fun off of a skyscraper. That’s the end of that, move along people, nothing to see here!

Oh wait, yes there is. The superheroes. Like usual, Captain America gets swarmed with lookie-loos. Hawkeye, much to his displeasure, gets completely ignored. A man named Andrew Bolt pushes his way up to shake Cap’n’s hand; he’s running for congress! He needs Captain America’s endorsement. However, always the man with integrity, Captain America declines and does cartwheels while telling Bolt that democracy will decide whether or not he’s the man for the job. USA! USA!

Back at the lovely Avenger’s Playboy Mansion, Captain America has had ENOUGH of the American people! All the constant accolades and love and attention! FUCK them! FUCK THEM!

Clint Barton, aka Bart Clinton, aka Hawkeye, aka Eyehawk, aka Ethan Hawke, says “You came back from the dead after Onslaught, you saved the country from Hydra terrorists, declared war on ‘em to boot…”. Honestly, Hawkeye wishes he could get a fraction of this public scrutiny from the average joe dumbass American! “They’ll make you an honorary Spice Girl!” Hawkeye says, forgetting that they’re from England I guess.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Yeah, stop wearing the really bright costume, douchebag.

When Captain America whines that he can’t figure out how to stop getting mobbed every time he leaves the dang house, Hawkeye takes Cap’n’s mask off and tells him to stop walking around in costume all the time, dingus.

They grab some fast food. Steve Rogers’ speech bubbles are greatly obscuring the restaurant name, but it looks to me like it’s “McDOGAL’s”. Captain America gets the kid’s meal, which comes with a Captain America action figure! He groans. “Captain America isn’t a business venture.” he proclaims. But, every business on the block is peddling his name and likeness. “Captain America should be a symbol of the people…not of the dollar.”

It’s like, go back to 1921 or wherever you’re from. This is the America you live in now, bitch.

Clint is eating this up, though. Personally, if a close friend of mine were this famous I’d do nothing but make fun of him for it constantly. Hawkeye runs into a store and buys a Captain America helmet complete with little wings!

Out on the street, a news crew is filming testimonials from civilians whose lives were blessed by Cap’n’s altruistic Red-White-and-Blue golden touch. Clint is dying to get in front of the camera himself, but Cap’n threatened SWIFT DEATH if he spends even one millisecond in front of it!

“Y’know, he invented Snapple! Not many people know that! Oh, and he toured with Fleetwood Mac! Played bass!” Clint’s antics are making Steve Rogers frown so hard. This miserable motherfucker doesn’t even know how to laugh at himself. Captain America sucks, I’m a Hawkeye guy all the way.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I once saw Captain America derail a train full of bombs and then throw the train full of bombs into outer space where it blew up the Bomb Train Dispatch Satellite!

We cut to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters now. Sharon Carter, aka Karen Sharter, aka Agent 13, is pulling up (the currently deceased?) Nick Fury’s file. Fury had fired Carter while he was in charge, and she will not REST until she finds out why. But she finds something else within four seconds: “Huh? This one’s filed after Nick’s burial at Arlington! A top-secret, eyes only transport order relocating his corpse…to the CRYONICS UNIT…?

”FOR MORE, CHECK OUT THE FURY/AGENT 13 LIMITED SERIES–ON SALE SOON!”

Bah! Stop advertising other comics within my comics. So that’s it for Agent 13 for now, I guess. Sounds like Nick Fury’s not dead ha lol

Clint stands by all his antics and tells Steve to lighten the fuck up. “The world’s watchin’ ya, Cap! Give ‘em your best! See ya later!” and then he leaves with his Captain America giant foam finger.

But Steve is unhappy. Now there’s a lot of pressure on him to perform, to give people answers he doesn’t know, and all this other insecure piffle. After all, the planet still survived during his absence. Who needs him, anyway?

But no, he takes the opposite approach. He needs to be more proactive and less reactive! Especially if he wants to maintain relevance in the new millennium (and trust me, the whole world will certainly keep their eyes on America in the new millennium, Cap, so don’t worry about that).

Steve sees a group of people running toward Rockefeller Center, hollerin’ about some guy named Batroc looking to pick a fight with the Masked USA Douchebag. And, indeed, Batroc is there in his purple spandex like a WWE wrestler hamming it up for TV cameras. He’s holding two guys by the front of their shirts, threatening to start snapping necks if Captain America doesn’t show up RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT. Oh, there he is. He blindsides Batroc with a punch. Came out of fuckin’ nowhere. “FTHWAM”. That’s the punch.

Captain learns right away that Batroc was hired by Hydra. Captain thought Batroc was reformed. Batroc thought Captain was dead. Looks like both were wrong. “Prepare yourself for a Batroc unlike ze one you have known before…” he says. Oh yeah, Batroc is French or something too.

At Hydra headquarters, the group is watching this scene unfold on a TV screen somehow. One of the Hydra Grunts asks the Sensational One if this is really a good idea, and the Sensational One claims that he knows what he’s doing as he jerks off with a grapefruit. Probably.

A couple of buff dudes are sunbathing on a beach on a remote island. They talk openly about the Red Skull being gone for months. Everyone on this island is still being paid to housesit the Red Skull’s base, but how much longer could it possibly last? One guy says he’s never coming back. The other guy says he could show up any time. COINCIDENTALLY, at the VERY. EXACT. MOMENT…some shadow thing shows up to terrorize the both of them. There’s also a red skeleton emitting red…perfume? I’m sure the artist was going for something here, hopefully he knows what he’s doing.

One guy yells “HE’S BAAAAAAAACK” as the shadow pulls him under the sand. I think?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Yeah, pay no mind to the dumb shit happening in this scene. I won’t.

…Okaaaay! Back to Batrock. Captain America doesn’t want to fight this buffoon. It would be an act of buffoonery! Batroc calls him a coward. Cap’n says he’s in no mood for a grudge match right now and storms off. His fans are dissatisfied! One guy even calls him yellow! YELLOW! IN 1998 HE CALLS HIM YELLOW! Another guy says “It’s…it’s some secret plan, I betcha! Cap would never back down…would he?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

It doesn’t matter, because I’m Hawkeye! I don’t need to do my work, ’cause someone else will do it for me! D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!

Batroc is dumb. Instead of just letting all these dumbass regular folk start disliking him, he gets offended and leaps at him. “YOU DISMISS ME?” he yells. However, mid-leap he gets an arrow right in the gut, which sends him flying onto the skating rink at Rockefeller Center. Hawkeye sees his chance to steal the spotlight.

So, looks like Hawkeye is even dumber than Batroc. Captain America seems like a dumb guy anyway, and here are two guys that are fighting for the crown. The King Dumb Crown. For dummies.

Captain America has to remind Hawkeye the Dumb Guy that he can’t manuever very well on ice, which Hawkeye literally says “D’OH!” to. But, resilient as he is, Hawkeye skids around and tries to fill Batroc full of arrows. No dice! Batroc’s fast now! Perhaps he was slow before, but now he is quite fleet of foot! The New and Better Batrock! Bedrock? Bartok? Batroc.

He’s also more agile, too! Watch! *punch* That was a fist to Hawkeye’s face, son! He didn’t even see it coming! Ha!

“Take your hands off my friend!” Captain Goody Two-Shoes exclaims, jumping into the fray. Now HE punches Batroc in HIS face. And the crowd goes wild! Hoooooweeeeee!! Hyuck hyuck!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I’m tired of all the goddamned hicks.

Captain isn’t too fond of the ice either, but since he’s the big great motherfucking superhero he’s going to be successful during these last few pages so why even bother? HUH?

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! I never get tired of that.

Captain holds up his Smithsonian replica shield, which Batroc notices. He, too, has a new weapon. BEHOLD! THE WHIP-CANE! It’s a cane that whips around really fast. “The Whip-Cane, when wielded properly, can kill a man in three strokes. Begin counting.” Batroc says as his spins the thing in his hand like a…well, like a whip-cane, I guess.

Looks like General USA has met his match. This Batroc fellow is pretty dang good! But wait, during the fight he tells Major United States that Hydra paid him to “take ze fall”, but he refuses to “dishonor so worthy an opponent!” So, instead, he’ll fight to win.

Admiral AmeriKKKa is taken aback by this, and asks WHY Hydra paid him to lose. Batroc admits that he doesn’t know either, but his hunch is that, after spending a lot of time deep in thought, puzzling it out, it’s “because they are fools!” And he tries to smack him with the ol’ whip-cane!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!

Captain’s mad now. The fact that Hydra is just playing a game with their lives is infuriating. It lights a fire under his ass, and now he’s really letting Batroc have it. “Thataboy, Cap! Beat the crepe out of him!” Hawkeye cheers him on while I groan audibly.

“Perhaps you are at the disadvantage, Capitan! This new shield of yours is no aid.”
“Shut up, Batroc.”

Finally, Captain doesn’t mince words. He then puts the shield on his foot and kicks him in the face.

Batroc decides that he’s done now. “We will meet again. Until that time…adieu!” And he leaves.

lol

Hawkeye spots an easy target as Batroc hobbles away, but America Man insists that they need to let him go. “Are you nuts? I said the fight’s over.” he tells Hawkeye as he draws an arrow. Hawkeye holds back and laughs to himself. Still a victory!

Captain America says it was a waste of fucking time. He wasn’t defending the country or protecting innocent people. He was fighting some piece of shit showboat who was showboating around in his big ol’ boat that he wanted to show off! “It was a wrestling match with just as little at stake.” Finally, he says something smart.

Hawkeye, on the other hand, completely disagrees. There was plenty at stake: the faith of the American people. “Stupid fights come with the costume, you know that by now.” He says it inspires hope and courage. “People need that kinda claptrap today more than ever, Cap.”

Captain America is still apprehensive, but the throng of cheering fans finally puts a slight smile on the ol’ wet blanket’s face.

Personally, I think rallying the American people is stupid. Fuck them. And I’m one of them! Fuck me!

Hydra HQ has cameras everywhere, because they’re watching Captain America’s impromptu parade with befuddled interest. They ask their Glorious Dear Leader why they paid Batroc to fail and bolster Captain America’s clout even further.

“Are you kidding me? Work with me here. Try to keep up. I want the whole world to worship Captain America. After all, the bigger they are…the harder they fall.”

Real Final Thoughts!

Now add a Red Skull to the mix. Too many fucking enemies. Fuck this stupid series. Eat shit, Mark Waid.


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