Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Credibility Gap”

* Part 5 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *
* Part 1 of 3 of the Power and Glory storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Credibility Gap”! In the previous installment, Steve Rogers hates all the attention he’s getting on the streets, but his faithful friend Hawkeye tells him to stop walking around in the suit, dummy.

Captain America fights an old nemesis downtown, Batroc, but learns that Batroc only showed up to fight him because he was getting paid by Hydra, much to Captain America’s vexation, but we the audience learn it’s because the inevitable fall will be so much sweeter if the Cap’n public image keeps soaring. Sounds dumb because it IS dumb!

Also, something about Red Skull being back. That means nothing to me right now!

With Issue #5, we begin a three-part sub-story to polish off this overall arc: “Power and Glory”. And if the cover is any indication, the story will end with Hydra paying the price because Captain America is mad. Look forward to that.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [May, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Credibility Gap”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

We begin in a subsurface Hydra base under the Thames River in London. The alarms are sounding, the Hydra Grunts are running every which-way. The base is under attack! One of them is happy, because “frankly, I could use the target practice.” Those Hydra guys are ready for anything!

…buuuhhh, except for…

…wait for it…

“THE DOUBLE-TEAM OF CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THOR, THE NORSE GOD OF THUNDER!”

*cue nine hours of flatulence*

So Cap’n and Thormp are whacking Hydra guys left and right, and I’m sitting here like “these little green bitches have guns, just shoot from far away”. Do you think Thor, who wears nothing to cover his arms, is going to be able to shake off four bullets in the bicep?? Give it a try, idiots, who cares if you take out a few of your own dispensable men in the process? You’re all the same anyway.

“Captain, have a care! Their numbers multiply!” screams Thor, implying that the Hydra Guys fuck like bunnies and produce new generations of inbred drones within seconds. Cap’n is more than ready though. He announces that, in case they haven’t heard, he’s fuckin’ FED UP with their SHIT. “This isn’t a fight. This is war.” he declares, kicking one in the neck.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

And like all other wars, this one starts with a shin to the chin!

Team Hydra is scared. One calls the Paris branch for backup. Paris acknowledges, but they’ve got their own problem: Iron Man and…uh…*checks Wikipedia*…Scarlet Witch, maybe? They’ve infiltrated Paris’ base and they’re terrorizin’ and throwin’ shit around themselves. Captain America informs the little green dipshits that he’s got Avengers tearing every Hydra base worldwide! And they’re not going to stop until Cap’n finds out WHY they’re TERRORIZING HIM! I mean, terrorizing the world is one thing, but now it’s personal. A real man of the people, this guy!

The Hydra Guy stammers and tells Cap’n that he has no idea, honestly. “Hydra has been fragmented for months!” he gulps, “We have no specific agenda!” This is where Cap’n calls him a liar, and the guy admits that a smaller faction, maybe, possibly, he heard from a cousin he thinks, might be targeting the Good Captain. The faction is led by the Sensational Hydra! And he could be anywhere. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. shows up (four of them) to cuff and arrest the Hydra group (like, 50+) while Cap’n and Thor get the hell out of there. In a twist, one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. guys unmasks himself (and also changes his clothes between panels, somehow, mid-sentence) and kills his own man! It’s the Sensational Hydra! He thanks the dead guy for telling Cap’n what he wanted him to know and scurries off cackling. The S.H.I.E.L.D. guys are like “grrrr, not again!”.

America Man and Thunder Man have no idea what just went down at the London Hydra base. They are already back in New York! Thor relishes. “Ah! Once again, Captain, our feet tread the good earth…here in the land called Brooklyn, just as you have requested!” Jesus Christ, man. Remind me never to read any Thor comics, or any more Mark Waid comics for that matter. They walk into a diner and make a spectacle out of themselves immediately.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Nice clothes. Did someone knock the wall down at the asylum?

Cap and Thor talk about this Sensational Hydra fellow. Cap’n says that it would be best to confront him alone, and Thor respects this but still asks if he’s sure. Instead of answering the question, Cap’n launches into another rant about how much the people have been showering him with adoration jizz from their adoration dicks, so to speak. Thor’s not listening to this, he was busy “musing upon the enchantment of the hammer, Mjolnir”. Yeah, and I did that three or four times last night myself, my dude.

Thor then tells Captain to get a grip, pal. Thor and his kind have been “worshipped by mortals for eons”. It’s all good, brother. Roll with it. “What keeps you from becoming arrogant about it?” Cap’n asks him, and Thor drops some philosophy on him: “Should we someday lose the attentions of those who believe in us…would we cease to exist…?” Profound, sir. Now ask him the sound of one hand clapping.

Next, some random guy, for whatever reason, is holding a small TV in front of Captain America in the diner to show him a news report. The Sensational Hydra has taken hostages! Come find him! Alone! There’s truly a cinder block on the gas pedal of this plot vehicle.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Villainy now on Betamax!

He’s at the Empire State Building, which is convenient because now Captain America doesn’t have to fly over yet another ocean in four seconds like he did 25 minutes ago! Cap’n makes his way over while news crews mob him in hopes of getting a juicy statement! One news anchor is wearing an “I <3 Cap” pin on her lapel, which Captain steals without asking and thanks her. One guy even wants to go into the building with him, but Cap’n tells him to kindly go fuck a duck.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

I ♣️ Cap!

Hydra jerks are wearing big, bright crossing-guard uniforms now. It’s funny to see these idiots wear colors that stick out in any room they’re ever in. Cap’n throws the pin to the floor to distract them for less than two nanoseconds before running through the group fists a-blazin’.

The sound of a camera goes off. It’s the one guy who wanted to go into the building with him, he just couldn’t resist! He’s got wavy blonde hair, glasses, and a gross blonde mustache. Cap’n knocks him to the floor as more Hydra guys open fire down the hallway. He tells Blonde ‘Stache to follow him and follow every goddamned order he throws out.

Cap’n Crunch blocks a bunch of rounds in a stairwell and smashes a couple creeps with his shield. Blonde ‘Stache applauds his heroics and asks about living up to the massive reputation. Once Cap’n grumbles, Blonde ‘Stache nudges him further. “Don’t tell me you don’t find all the adoration seductive, Captain.” Sounds to me like Blonde ‘Stache wants to get him a little arm candy for a lovely dinner date tonight!

And, again, again and again, over and over, he talks about the suit and the name being a symbol, not something to worship. Especially not for this particular “fight”. These Hydra guys aren’t even trying! He suspects a setup. A trap. A ruse. A scam. A con game. A feint. A grift, see? A deceit. A fix.

But he’s not worried! Cap’n tells Blonde ‘Stache to stay behind him, and, behind his back, Blonde ‘Stache morphs into the Sensational Hydra! Oh no!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Not the Bubble Gum Man! Ye Gods!

Cap’n is taken aback! The Hydra in the next room open fire! Panic! The Sensational Hydra morphs again, this time into a goblin! Now the Hydra crew are taken aback! “The Leader — He’s a shapeshifter?” one boggles, surprised. This Sensational Hydra is pulling a fast one on everybody! He’s a Skrull! Aha, I know that word. Marvel Universe, you’ve done it again!

Now that the Sensational Hydra has betrayed his Skrull-itude, he has no use for the stupid, smelly little Hydra people. He instructs two of his Skrull-men, disguised as human hostages, to shoot bullets into them! “NOOOOOOO!” yells Crap-Ton America, but he can’t help them now! The Skrullfuckers shoot cum-bullets that wrap around his body and bind him, rendering him unable to move. “Skrull Handcuffs.” says King Skrull. They’re designed to contain Skrull, so shapeshifting won’t even work, let alone puny-muscled American heroes! Har har! America Man is screwed now!

Skrulligan tells America all about his ploy: infiltrating Hydra, boosting Captain’s clout, and then holding him prisoner. Because if the whole world respects Captain America enough to listen to everything he says and approve anything he does…

…then Shapeshifter Jones can pretend to be Captain America and then do naughty, bad things!

And why is he doing this?? BECAUSE, he- nah, just read the panel:

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Although I took the liberty of making the penis about five inches longer.

So now revenge can finally be dished out. Beef Skrullington takes Cap’n shield and leaves, promising to come back later to force out some information. The kind only Captain America would know.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Big weekend coming up for Skrullman!

Skrull-Cap parachutes down from the building to greet his awaiting, clamoring, ravenous fanbase.

Skrull-Cap’s henchmen toss Captain America in a supply closet.

Skrull-Cap talks to the press; claims that the Hydra took their own lives! Oh well! The Hydra threat is over! “I’ve come to the conclusion that there are things to be done in this country — and Captain America is just the man to do them. With the power of the people behind me…nothing can stand in my way.”

Final Thoughts

Finally, FINALLY, this story is shaking out to be interesting and not completely braindead. I’m looking forward to seeing the Captain America impostor jerking it in someone’s face in New York City. Maybe a 1998 Donald Trump? That would be Captastic!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 – “Sinestro (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 – “Sinestro (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan and Sinestro fly to Korugar in order to stop the yellow corps that have enslaved the planet. Sinestro’s plan is to create a diversion while Jordan flies into the yellow central battery with a green lantern. This will disrupt the yellow light, which will power down the corps’ yellow rings. A fine plan! I don’t see any issues!

Oh wait, when Hal Jordan enters the battery with the lantern, the battery detects its presence and initiates a disintegration sequence. The last thing we see is the remnants of Jordan’s dissolved body. Whoops!

The last thing Jordan thinks is that he’s been set up, but Sinestro observes the disintegration with complete alarm, confusion, and panic.

Get it while the gettin’s good! Let’s see what happens next.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 4)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

As Hal Jordan is dying of being dissolved alive in some strange yellow battery acid, he sees visions of his relationship with Carol Ferris, but only the bad stuff. None of the sexy times. Just the scoldy times. “It was a mistake to get involved in the first place.” and “I think it’d be better if we didn’t see each other again.”

Jordan is screaming. The battery recognizes him as not being Sinestro, and aborts transport to the “antimatter universe”. The battery starts to go haywire, and Sinestro wonders aloud if Hal Jordan actually succeeded. But then the battery spits out an unlit green lantern (as in, a lantern that is green, not an unlit Hal Jordan ha ha ha whaaaat?), and Sinestro’s face falls. And then the battery spits out an unlit Hal Jordan! Fully integrated, not at all a pile of goo, possibly unconscious, and his hair still looks good.

One of the Sinestro Corps henchmen asks for some guy named Arkillo. “Tell him we have the traitor! Tell him we have Sinestro!” Another henchman warns the others that Sinestro can defeat any of them if he goes near their rings; he defeated Mongul that way, you know. He’s good with the rings, he can rig them!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

You leave a beautiful corpse, sir.

Another ugly corps creep with a dorsal fin fish head and the bird beak gets all nice and close to Sinestro’s glowing green ring. He can’t believe his eyes that Sinestro would just betray his own corps like this! They plan to remove Sinestro’s ring and take Hal Jordan to the “decharging cells” so that they can kill him as soon as he’s out of power.

They throw him right in the brig! He uses his ring to try to bust out, but his efforts prove futile. He was even warned that it wouldn’t work, but he tried anyway. And now his ring is already almost out of power, and he should probably find a recharge station quick. Hal Jordan is driving a Tesla in the middle of Iowa here, you see, and he’s about to be stranded. He has enough power left for one more move, so he needs to make it count.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

WARNING. POSSESSER OF THIS RING IS A DOOFUS.

So he decides to conjure up an image of Carol Ferris. Good idea, that’ll get you outta there! He makes the image smile at him, and he says a simple “I’m sorry.” to it before it vanishes in a wisp of green glowing green lantern green glow!

Hal Jordan frowns in the dark.

Meanwhile, Sinestro is having the time of his life entangled and writhing and yelling in some weird, glowing yellow skeletal restraint. One henchman points out that he had never heard Sinestro scream in pain before. Seems weird and unnatural, man. He doesn’t like it and wants to stop, but another guy insists on continuing. “Curses, no. We don’t want Sinestro lucid enough to create any constructs, do we?”

So the conjured-up images and objects from the ring are called CONSTRUCTS! All right, now I’m hep to the lingo, baby.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

How many hegatoxes are there in a schmoogenvolt?

What I can only assume are jolts of electricity, or something comparable, shoot through Sinestro’s body as he screams and wriggles and swivels and bops. The ring should’ve been destroyed by now, but it’s still intact even after all this punishment. Sinestro huffs and puffs and points out that it’s HIM that’s resilient, not the ring. He threatens the one called Professor Insidd: “Release me or die.” HA! ARE YOU KIDDING! WITH YOUR PAIN LEVELS AT SEVENTEEN HEGATOX?? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!

Hal Jordan’s power is gone, which means he’s now dressed smartly in his dinner-date suit and tie. The brig door creaks open, revealing a window view to the outside of the room. Jordan presses his ear next to it and listens to a conversation between two corps members about their failure so far to remove and/or destroy Sinestro’s ring. The new plan is to drain Sinestro’s ring of its power as well, so IN THE BRIG WITH YOU, YOU SCALAWAG!

Sinestro’s cell isn’t empty, though, it’s full of civilians. Men, women, children, the whole package. He tries to comfort a small child, but she and the rest of the prisoners cower and back away from him. Irked, he asks them what they’re afraid of, and Arsona pipes in: “They’re afraid of you, Thaal Sinestro.” Ooooooh, that one smarts!

Arsona airs out her dirty laundry here and now. Sinestro tells her that she was right to support him, but that was the WRONG thing to say, sir! She pushes him hard against the wall and doubles down: “I was wrong to have anything to do with you!”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

In short, I was loyal to you like a dumbass for far too long.

Hal Jordan, in the adjacent cell, jumps back from the WHAMM of Sinestro hitting the wall. Wake me up before you go-go! Hahaha. wham.

Sinestro continues to defend himself and his actions, but Arsona tells him that he had turned the symbol of the Green Lantern into a “symbol of terror”. Backed into a corner, both literally and metaphorically, he insists that the corps is now performing acts that he himself would have never allowed. Arsona doesn’t want to hear any of it. “We trusted you! We believed in you! I did! But you betrayed us. You betrayed me.”

The civilians are just standing there silently watching the show. Sinestro, now that he’s back on Korugar, is offering to help fix the pesky little enslavement problem they’ve got going on here, but Arsona, speaking for the people, don’t want Sinestro’s help. She says the same thing Hal had told him: he started this whole mess. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that jazz.

When Arsona says her partner would’ve said the same thing (but he’s dead now), Sinestro finally takes pause for a few moments. He apologizes. Arsona tells him that his empty regrets and apologies won’t fix anything, and the planet is beyond fixing anyway.

Jordan, who had been listening to the whole exchange with giant headlight eyeballs, chimes in so that they can all hear him. He reminds Sinestro that he created a green ring for him. Subpar, certainly, but it did the job. “You want to give your people the ability to fight back…” he leads him on.

Sinestro thinks about it, but says that divvying up the power among 100 rings wouldn’t be good enough. Maybe only 5 or 10 minutes of power each. Hal Jordan says that it’s the only chance anyone has.

So Sinestro assumes the position and poops out enough green rings for everyone in the cell with him.

They don’t look particularly thrilled for the opportunity.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Ugh. I hate having all the power in the universe.

As everyone dons a green ring and turns into Little Lanterns, Arsona declares that Sinestro succeeded.

“You gave us the chance to finally get our revenge…”

“…ON YOU.”

Eep!

Final Thoughts

Sinestro done fucked up! I don’t know what this guy did to piss everyone off, but- OH WAIT, yes I do, the whole “ruining the planet” thing. Ha! I forgot!

Sinestro is having a tough time earning everyone’s trust, but this silver-tongued motherfucker was able to get Hal Jordan on his side. Will he be able to win over his people? Do he and Arsona have a history? Does he want to bang her? Probably!

Tune in next time for more Greened-Lantern Goodness.


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Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”

* Part 4 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “Capmania”! In the previous installment, Hydra took over the Smithsonian in order to lure Captain America there so they can try to kill him. It worked. Not the killing Captain America part, unfortunately that didn’t work.

Afterward, Captain America declares war on Hydra and will not rest until Hydra has been thoroughly warred out.

At Hydra Headquarters, where the new head of the Hydra is some Joker-type looney, it is requested to bring in Batroc. Whoever that is.

Yeah. Exciting.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [April, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Capmania”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

We open with a full-page spread in New York City, where Captain America is fighting a Hydra Guy at the NBC building at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Wait, I’m sorry, it’s actually the “HBC” building. It has a peacock symbol and everything, though, so we await the inevitable lawsuit.

Hydra Guy threw a nerve gas can off the building. Captain America leaps off the building to try to catch it. He does grab it mid-air, and he’s about three inches from the ground before someone shoots an arrow with a rope tied to it at the building. Cap’n grabs onto it and returns safely to street level.

The guy with the bow and arrow is! … uh

Well, he’s purple. Ah, Hawkeye! Jeremy Renner. Certainly. Hawkeye captured the Hydra Guy in a net while Cap’n was plummeting for fun off of a skyscraper. That’s the end of that, move along people, nothing to see here!

Oh wait, yes there is. The superheroes. Like usual, Captain America gets swarmed with lookie-loos. Hawkeye, much to his displeasure, gets completely ignored. A man named Andrew Bolt pushes his way up to shake Cap’n’s hand; he’s running for congress! He needs Captain America’s endorsement. However, always the man with integrity, Captain America declines and does cartwheels while telling Bolt that democracy will decide whether or not he’s the man for the job. USA! USA!

Back at the lovely Avenger’s Playboy Mansion, Captain America has had ENOUGH of the American people! All the constant accolades and love and attention! FUCK them! FUCK THEM!

Clint Barton, aka Bart Clinton, aka Hawkeye, aka Eyehawk, aka Ethan Hawke, says “You came back from the dead after Onslaught, you saved the country from Hydra terrorists, declared war on ‘em to boot…”. Honestly, Hawkeye wishes he could get a fraction of this public scrutiny from the average joe dumbass American! “They’ll make you an honorary Spice Girl!” Hawkeye says, forgetting that they’re from England I guess.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Yeah, stop wearing the really bright costume, douchebag.

When Captain America whines that he can’t figure out how to stop getting mobbed every time he leaves the dang house, Hawkeye takes Cap’n’s mask off and tells him to stop walking around in costume all the time, dingus.

They grab some fast food. Steve Rogers’ speech bubbles are greatly obscuring the restaurant name, but it looks to me like it’s “McDOGAL’s”. Captain America gets the kid’s meal, which comes with a Captain America action figure! He groans. “Captain America isn’t a business venture.” he proclaims. But, every business on the block is peddling his name and likeness. “Captain America should be a symbol of the people…not of the dollar.”

It’s like, go back to 1921 or wherever you’re from. This is the America you live in now, bitch.

Clint is eating this up, though. Personally, if a close friend of mine were this famous I’d do nothing but make fun of him for it constantly. Hawkeye runs into a store and buys a Captain America helmet complete with little wings!

Out on the street, a news crew is filming testimonials from civilians whose lives were blessed by Cap’n’s altruistic Red-White-and-Blue golden touch. Clint is dying to get in front of the camera himself, but Cap’n threatened SWIFT DEATH if he spends even one millisecond in front of it!

“Y’know, he invented Snapple! Not many people know that! Oh, and he toured with Fleetwood Mac! Played bass!” Clint’s antics are making Steve Rogers frown so hard. This miserable motherfucker doesn’t even know how to laugh at himself. Captain America sucks, I’m a Hawkeye guy all the way.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I once saw Captain America derail a train full of bombs and then throw the train full of bombs into outer space where it blew up the Bomb Train Dispatch Satellite!

We cut to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters now. Sharon Carter, aka Karen Sharter, aka Agent 13, is pulling up (the currently deceased?) Nick Fury’s file. Fury had fired Carter while he was in charge, and she will not REST until she finds out why. But she finds something else within four seconds: “Huh? This one’s filed after Nick’s burial at Arlington! A top-secret, eyes only transport order relocating his corpse…to the CRYONICS UNIT…?

”FOR MORE, CHECK OUT THE FURY/AGENT 13 LIMITED SERIES–ON SALE SOON!”

Bah! Stop advertising other comics within my comics. So that’s it for Agent 13 for now, I guess. Sounds like Nick Fury’s not dead ha lol

Clint stands by all his antics and tells Steve to lighten the fuck up. “The world’s watchin’ ya, Cap! Give ‘em your best! See ya later!” and then he leaves with his Captain America giant foam finger.

But Steve is unhappy. Now there’s a lot of pressure on him to perform, to give people answers he doesn’t know, and all this other insecure piffle. After all, the planet still survived during his absence. Who needs him, anyway?

But no, he takes the opposite approach. He needs to be more proactive and less reactive! Especially if he wants to maintain relevance in the new millennium (and trust me, the whole world will certainly keep their eyes on America in the new millennium, Cap, so don’t worry about that).

Steve sees a group of people running toward Rockefeller Center, hollerin’ about some guy named Batroc looking to pick a fight with the Masked USA Douchebag. And, indeed, Batroc is there in his purple spandex like a WWE wrestler hamming it up for TV cameras. He’s holding two guys by the front of their shirts, threatening to start snapping necks if Captain America doesn’t show up RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT. Oh, there he is. He blindsides Batroc with a punch. Came out of fuckin’ nowhere. “FTHWAM”. That’s the punch.

Captain learns right away that Batroc was hired by Hydra. Captain thought Batroc was reformed. Batroc thought Captain was dead. Looks like both were wrong. “Prepare yourself for a Batroc unlike ze one you have known before…” he says. Oh yeah, Batroc is French or something too.

At Hydra headquarters, the group is watching this scene unfold on a TV screen somehow. One of the Hydra Grunts asks the Sensational One if this is really a good idea, and the Sensational One claims that he knows what he’s doing as he jerks off with a grapefruit. Probably.

A couple of buff dudes are sunbathing on a beach on a remote island. They talk openly about the Red Skull being gone for months. Everyone on this island is still being paid to housesit the Red Skull’s base, but how much longer could it possibly last? One guy says he’s never coming back. The other guy says he could show up any time. COINCIDENTALLY, at the VERY. EXACT. MOMENT…some shadow thing shows up to terrorize the both of them. There’s also a red skeleton emitting red…perfume? I’m sure the artist was going for something here, hopefully he knows what he’s doing.

One guy yells “HE’S BAAAAAAAACK” as the shadow pulls him under the sand. I think?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Yeah, pay no mind to the dumb shit happening in this scene. I won’t.

…Okaaaay! Back to Batrock. Captain America doesn’t want to fight this buffoon. It would be an act of buffoonery! Batroc calls him a coward. Cap’n says he’s in no mood for a grudge match right now and storms off. His fans are dissatisfied! One guy even calls him yellow! YELLOW! IN 1998 HE CALLS HIM YELLOW! Another guy says “It’s…it’s some secret plan, I betcha! Cap would never back down…would he?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

It doesn’t matter, because I’m Hawkeye! I don’t need to do my work, ’cause someone else will do it for me! D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!

Batroc is dumb. Instead of just letting all these dumbass regular folk start disliking him, he gets offended and leaps at him. “YOU DISMISS ME?” he yells. However, mid-leap he gets an arrow right in the gut, which sends him flying onto the skating rink at Rockefeller Center. Hawkeye sees his chance to steal the spotlight.

So, looks like Hawkeye is even dumber than Batroc. Captain America seems like a dumb guy anyway, and here are two guys that are fighting for the crown. The King Dumb Crown. For dummies.

Captain America has to remind Hawkeye the Dumb Guy that he can’t manuever very well on ice, which Hawkeye literally says “D’OH!” to. But, resilient as he is, Hawkeye skids around and tries to fill Batroc full of arrows. No dice! Batroc’s fast now! Perhaps he was slow before, but now he is quite fleet of foot! The New and Better Batrock! Bedrock? Bartok? Batroc.

He’s also more agile, too! Watch! *punch* That was a fist to Hawkeye’s face, son! He didn’t even see it coming! Ha!

“Take your hands off my friend!” Captain Goody Two-Shoes exclaims, jumping into the fray. Now HE punches Batroc in HIS face. And the crowd goes wild! Hoooooweeeeee!! Hyuck hyuck!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

I’m tired of all the goddamned hicks.

Captain isn’t too fond of the ice either, but since he’s the big great motherfucking superhero he’s going to be successful during these last few pages so why even bother? HUH?

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! I never get tired of that.

Captain holds up his Smithsonian replica shield, which Batroc notices. He, too, has a new weapon. BEHOLD! THE WHIP-CANE! It’s a cane that whips around really fast. “The Whip-Cane, when wielded properly, can kill a man in three strokes. Begin counting.” Batroc says as his spins the thing in his hand like a…well, like a whip-cane, I guess.

Looks like General USA has met his match. This Batroc fellow is pretty dang good! But wait, during the fight he tells Major United States that Hydra paid him to “take ze fall”, but he refuses to “dishonor so worthy an opponent!” So, instead, he’ll fight to win.

Admiral AmeriKKKa is taken aback by this, and asks WHY Hydra paid him to lose. Batroc admits that he doesn’t know either, but his hunch is that, after spending a lot of time deep in thought, puzzling it out, it’s “because they are fools!” And he tries to smack him with the ol’ whip-cane!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!

Captain’s mad now. The fact that Hydra is just playing a game with their lives is infuriating. It lights a fire under his ass, and now he’s really letting Batroc have it. “Thataboy, Cap! Beat the crepe out of him!” Hawkeye cheers him on while I groan audibly.

“Perhaps you are at the disadvantage, Capitan! This new shield of yours is no aid.”
“Shut up, Batroc.”

Finally, Captain doesn’t mince words. He then puts the shield on his foot and kicks him in the face.

Batroc decides that he’s done now. “We will meet again. Until that time…adieu!” And he leaves.

lol

Hawkeye spots an easy target as Batroc hobbles away, but America Man insists that they need to let him go. “Are you nuts? I said the fight’s over.” he tells Hawkeye as he draws an arrow. Hawkeye holds back and laughs to himself. Still a victory!

Captain America says it was a waste of fucking time. He wasn’t defending the country or protecting innocent people. He was fighting some piece of shit showboat who was showboating around in his big ol’ boat that he wanted to show off! “It was a wrestling match with just as little at stake.” Finally, he says something smart.

Hawkeye, on the other hand, completely disagrees. There was plenty at stake: the faith of the American people. “Stupid fights come with the costume, you know that by now.” He says it inspires hope and courage. “People need that kinda claptrap today more than ever, Cap.”

Captain America is still apprehensive, but the throng of cheering fans finally puts a slight smile on the ol’ wet blanket’s face.

Personally, I think rallying the American people is stupid. Fuck them. And I’m one of them! Fuck me!

Hydra HQ has cameras everywhere, because they’re watching Captain America’s impromptu parade with befuddled interest. They ask their Glorious Dear Leader why they paid Batroc to fail and bolster Captain America’s clout even further.

“Are you kidding me? Work with me here. Try to keep up. I want the whole world to worship Captain America. After all, the bigger they are…the harder they fall.”

Real Final Thoughts!

Now add a Red Skull to the mix. Too many fucking enemies. Fuck this stupid series. Eat shit, Mark Waid.


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[2021 Overflow] Geese, Zornheym, and Sur Austru

The January overflow continues STILL with 2021 records from Geese, Zornheym, and Sur Austru. There’s already some good 2022 music out, why do I focus so much on the past? What even is a 2021? Where are my shoes?

Geese – Projector
(October 29, 2021)

Geese - Projector

There are no reservations about my opinion that 2021 was the Year of the Post-Punk debuts. I won’t even name drop them again, you should already know them or leave this website forever (edit: please don’t leave this website forever). Underrated among them, trying to cash in at the 11th hour, was Geese’s own debut. Bands named after birds in the plural form tend to go over well: the Wrens, Doves, Swans, Cranes. The Eagles notwithstanding. In any other year, Projector could have possibly been making the charts. It was a very tough competition.

Usual post-punk fare. There is a lot of indie-sensible songwriting in the vein of ’00s garage rock revival groups (the Black Keys, the Strokes, et al.), which helps contrast the experimental approach of Squid, black midi, and Black Country, New Road. Songs alternate between choppy, angular garage rock and slow and steady groove funk. Tracks like “Fantasies / Survival” have the crisply-edged, melody-driven urgency of a White Stripes song, and tracks like “First Fold Warrior” sound like LCD Soundsystem at James Murphy’s crooniest. Sometimes songs sound like both of these styles at once! The title track, especially, naturally merges these two faces of the Geese coin. The Goose coin?

My favorite track is “Disco”, largely because of the disco! But there’s only some disco, and it happens at the bridge, but most of the end is a chaotic breakdown of noisy Sonic Youth anti-music. I also like the brassy trumpet coda at the end of “Exploding House”.

I name-dropped more bands than usual this time! It’s clear that Geese have a lot of influences! They need to come into their own still, and hopefully some more individuality shines through in the future. For now, though, solid release.

Early Verdict:

Zornheym – The Zornheim Sleep Experiment
(October 22, 2021)

Zornheym - The Zornheim Sleep Experiment

I don’t listen to metal for the lyrics or the story because, more often than not, they’re dumb as shit. The concept behind Zornheym’s second album is intriguing, though: a doctor at the Zornheim Asylum documents his findings and reports the grim consequences as they perform sleep deprivation experiments on the insane inmates. That’s a far as I got, though. I still didn’t listen for the lyrics or the story!

But one needs not the concept in front of them to enjoy the music on this action-packed 37-minute operatic ride! The Zornheim Sleep Experiment is the very definition of theatrical, melodic death metal. Overproduced stringed instruments, dizzying speed guitar solos, and echoed tubular bells make the whole production sound like a twisted Trans-Siberian Orchestra affair. Except without the, you know, Jesus-y Christmas stuff. And although I tend to be on my guard when it comes to symphonic metal in this vein, the corny power metal jubilation is often avoided in favor of cinematic tension. Plus, the use of blackened growls along with the clean singing gives additional edge to the arrangements.

Speaking of clean singing, the heavy Swedish accents make the dramatic delivery of lines like “Keep the devil away/Keep him astray/Hear us pray/Hear what I say” unintentionally funny to me! And those clean vocals work well with my favorite track, “The Revelation”, where the Middle-Eastern scales and the “Don’t want to be free” chorus brings to mind an ancient Egyptian death march.

This is album is a case where everything works, and it’s exactly the kind of album I needed to hear in order to keep myself from compulsively waving off melodeath records sight unseen (sound unheard?). Gems are everywhere!

Early Verdict:

Sur Austru – Obârșie
(February 12, 2021)

TSur Austru - Obârșie

I have spoken before (one week ago, actually) on my burgeoning neofolk interests, so when I dipped into Sur Austru I expected more of the same. And then I got more of the same! And then I learned that Obârșie isn’t neofolk, it’s avantgarde folk metal. And then I learned that it gets this distinction, possibly, because Sur Austru is not much more than a continuation of Romanian black metal outfit Negură Bunget after their last original member died. And then I was like “oh yeah, I sorta know that band’s one album that I listened to maybe twice”.

Anyway, with this knowledge, I listened to Obârșie again and realized that this shit is totally neofolk! What the fuck! OK, maybe track one is pretty heavy, I guess, and the distorted guitar shows up from time to time, and certainly the guttural vocals are unmistakably a heavy metal trait…but there’s goddamn flute everywhere, man! And there’s all this atmospheric chanting. All these slow, steady, unassuming passages. Not much in the way of guitar textures or overly aggressive vocal performances. Does this mean your mom will like this? Probably not! She’ll think it’s mostly weird. But there are parts she will like!

Like “Taina”, it lies almost entirely outside the metal genre (brief phrases of riffage and that one lead guitar refrain notwithstanding). “Comru Moma” is just a flute solo with soft, sparse hand drumming accompaniment, no guitars  at all. “Caloianul” builds to a frenzy, and finally some raw, blackened metal is unleashed in the last couple of minutes, but all of that momentum comes entirely from the drumming. And to my ears, that drumming sounds just a little bit jazzy…

What’s my point? This album is metal in spirit, that’s my point. It’s so fucking metal that it doesn’t need to put on any airs by being overtly metal. Listen to this shit.

Early Verdict:


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3 – “Sinestro (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3 – “Sinestro (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Sinestro uses his own powers to develop a ring for Hal Jordan that has all the powers of a Green Lantern ring except for a) he can’t use it to kill Sinestro, b) nothing can be done without Sinestro’s approval, c) he can’t use it to hurt Sinestro, d) Sinestro can vanquish any currently active power activated by the ring anytime he wants, and e) he can’t use it to kill or hurt or otherwise embarrass Sinestro in any way!

In a nutshell, Jordan is only allowed to use the ring to help Sinestro destroy the army that has enslaved Sinestro’s home planet of Korugar. And that’s it.

So let’s see how that debacle will pan out.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 3)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

THE PLACE: Coast City. Wherever that is. Must be on some coast. Carol Ferris returns to her residence after a long date night of putting up with Hal Jordan and his not-gonna-propose-at-all face. Her phone rings and it’s some guy named Tom Kalmaku, even though she thinks it’s Hal. I mean, she has a smartphone, she should be able to see that it was Tom Kalmaku! Kalmaku tells her to turn on the TV, which is airing a news report about Jordan and Sinestro saving the victims of the bridge collapse. Ferris is in disbelief! “Hal would never work with Sinestro again, Tom. Never.”

And yet, there he is, standing alongside Sinestro as if he were Robin to Sinestro’s Batman! Once Sinestro explains that the very corps he initiated on his planet have gone against his instructions and started imprisoning and torturing civilians, he admits to Jordan that he’s able to trust him. That, plus, he can control everything Jordan does! That helps too. “What makes you think I won’t go to the guardians?” Jordan asks. “Because you don’t want to lose that ring.” Sinestro says. Jordan’s probably thinking hell yeah, man, when I wear that ring it feels like 1,000 needles shooting heroin into my dick! He keeps that to himself.

So here’s the deal, fancypants: Jordan helps Sinestro with their little ambush, and Sinestro lets Jordan keep the ring. They both go their separate ways after that. That’s it. No catches. No dick sucking! I was wrong about that one.

Jordan wants to talk to Carol Ferris first, which Sinestro is forbidding. Jordan’s like “I’LL DO WHAT I WANNA” but Sinestro is like “no”, and then Jordan is like “you created this monster in the first place, so fuck you, we do things on my terms once in a while!” and Sinestro is like “no, fuck YOU, and fuck your failing relationship.” And then Jordan slugs him in the face and tells him what’s what.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

You may have programmed the ring to prevent me from grabbing your crotch, but I’m going to try my absolute damnedest!

BUT, Sinestro laughs! And that’s a frightening sight. “Jordan, I am better than you. And you already know that.” Jordan loses this round, and he follows Sinestro as he takes off toward Korugar.

Next, we cut to the home of the Guardians of the Universe, aka the Smurf Village. The blue guys are all circled around and ready to discuss the Sinestro matter again, after having wiped Ganthet of all emotional biases that may cloud his judgment. Remember, they brain-zapped him in Issue #1. He’s fine now.

Ganthet takes time to talk about what he has been reflecting upon since their last congregation. The wearers of the rings are chosen because of their “great will”, this he already knew. Duh, we all knew that! Right fellas? Heh heh heh! BUT, Green Lanterns aren’t flawless:

Hal Jordan is all drive, but no foresight.
Sinestro is all drive, but no altruism.

I’m making a note of that, because I’m guessing those are a couple of important points! Jordan doesn’t think ahead, Sinestro does everything for himself. A real comedy of errors is imminent with that combination!

Anyway, the blue guys had once created robot manhunters, the First Army. It didn’t work. Then they created the Green Lantern Corps., the Second Army. That isn’t working for them either. So that leads them to their next plan:

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

Oh baby, Third Reich time.

This sounds like something that’s going to take up 300 issues and involve constant. exhausting crossovers! Oh boy.

At the moment, Sinestro and Jordan are flying through space. Jordan’s have a gay old time busting up asteroids with his magic ring. They bicker about the seriousness of bearing the ring like a grumpy, old married couple. Sinestro harshes Jordan’s buzz completely by laying out what’s in store when they get to Korugar. “We’ll be faced with over two hundred and twenty corps members in the coming hour. Possibly more if they were able to trigger the central battery into active search status.” OH NO! NOT THE CENTRAL BATTERY! NOT ACTIVE SEARCH STATUS! OH GOD, OH WHY?!

Sinestro holds up his big glowing green lantern and waves it in Jordan’s face. Jordan is confused, and Sinestro insists that the lantern is the key, but they have to wait until sunset. “No. Flying. Off.” he scolds Jordan as if he were a bare-rumped child placed upon his bent knee! Jordan grumbles in agreement, but I bet you the lives of two hundred and twenty corps members (possibly more if they were able to trigger the central battery into active search status!) that Jordan is going to fucking fly off before sunset anyway like an asshole!

Once the sun sets, Sinestro is to fly down to the planet and engage with the corps single-handedly. Jordan is to take the lantern and fly into the yellow central battery with it. The green light will shut down the yellow battery, which shuts down the yellow rings and renders the corps defenseless and whimpering and crying and huddled and shivering and hungry and syphilitic!

Jordan is confused again. Sinestro created this yellow battery so that a green lantern would be its emergency shut-off switch? That means Sinestro had always planned to be a Green Lantern again, even when he was dishonorably discharged from the Green Lantern Academy of Hard Knocks??

But Sinestro gets mad at that:

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

All I wanted, Hal Jordan, was to sit on my couch and catch up on episodes of Tiger King 2!

I don’t think that quite explains things satisfactorily myself, but hey! When in Korugar, throw some green light where the yellow light is to make the yellow light go away, I always say!

So they prepare to play their parts. Sinestro tells Jordan to dim his green light to black, which is something Jordan has never done before and didn’t know he could do at all. “The guardians don’t like our knowing everything the ring can do.” Sinestro explains. Their suits and eye masks are dark, and they no longer glow like a pregnant lady in the dead of summer!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

You made Sinestro go “HRT.” The most disappointed of Sinestro’s noises.

They start sneaking around the planet, which looks like shit. It’s all hazy and red and rundown, it looks like Detroit in the dead of summer! Sinestro reminds Jordan, yet again, to wait until sunset to move. Jordan’s all like “yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I know, thanks Dad” but I still think I’m right about him flying the fuck off before he’s supposed to!

They watch huddled atop a building overhang at the scene below, where the corps is herding shackled civilians like ants at a picnic in the dead of summer! One creepy reptilian-like alien picks a particularly tasty looking young woman to save for eating later, and another corps member insists that these people are not for eating. They say Sinestro needed them stored away! But Sinestro fucking abandoned them, fuck what he wants, I wanna eat that woman!

Jordan’s about ready to fly the fuck off to save the young woman, but Sinestro holds him back and reminds him, yet again, that he is to wait.

But that’s ok, some other Korugarian civilian leaps out to stop the creepy reptilian-like H. R. Giger creature by wrapping her shackle chains around its neck.

Her name is Arsona, and she’s one tough cookie. Once the creature regains composure, it throws Arsona down to the ground. AND A TWIST HAPPENS! It’s Sinestro, fuckin’ Sinestro, who flies down there before sunset! He turns on his ring and bolts right through the creature, opening a giant, gross, bloody, gorey hole in his abdomen with a sickening “SPLAAATCH”! Jordan is bemused. “Not before sunset. Yeah, right.” he mutters as he follows Sinestro.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

Give that ugly fucker a pretty Glasgow smile.

Sinestro stands in the middle of the action and declares that any who do not stand down dies. A ruckus is created! Everyone’s all running around screaming now. A man tells Arsona to run away from Sinestro, but Sinestro falters. “No! Arsona, wai-!” but he is interrupted by the crashing-down of the giant yellow central battery.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #3

I didn’t sign up for thiiisss blahrhabb!

“Why does this feel too easy?” Jordan asks himself as he carries his glowing green lantern toward the central battery. A corps henchman stands in his way, but Jordan obliterates the beast with a makeshift green rocket launcher like it was nothin’! Like this was the Ultimate Doom! Like this was Phobos and/or Deimos! I like that game, gotta play it again some day!

Jordan flies into the battery with the lantern. The battery detects its presence and initiates a disintegration process, which looks pretty painful for Hal Jordan. Sinestro looks genuinely alarmed and concerned for Jordan’s well-being, but Jordan screams that Sinestro set him up as he, um, well, he literally appears to be completely eaten up as if he were surrounded by acid.

The last thing we see is Jordan’s barely-skeletal remains still mid-scream, and then a close-up of Sinestro’s eyeballs the size of dinner plates.

“Jordan?” he meekly whimpers.

Final Thoughts

Whoa Mama! This doesn’t look good for Hal Jordan, who has just become a disintegrated corpse! Oopsy-Daisy!

Pretty fucked up stuff going on here! I’m interested in the Sinestro/Arsona backstory. Hell, I’m kind of interested in the Sinestro/Jordan backstory too. It sounds like there’s a ton of history there. I wonder how crazy of a story it is that they’re working together here in a 2011 edition of the story, especially since I read that much of the Green Lantern mythology wasn’t rebooted for the New 52 imprint.

Looking forward to how Hal Jordan is gonna weasel out of this one!


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