Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “The Serve and Protect”

* Part 2 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “To Serve and Protect”! In the previous installment, the adventure begins with Captain America plopped in the middle of Tokyo out of nowhere for no reason and he doesn’t remember anything! It’s revealed that he disappeared after a fight with Onslaught while he was with his fellow Avengers, and that was about a year prior. Iron Man and Thor are also missing, but their whereabouts are currently unknown.

To make matters worse, Captain America was plopped in the middle of Tokyo during anti-westernization-related public unrest on the night of the Captain America movie premier! GUHH!! Not good! He fights members of Strikeforce Ukiyoe, a nationalist group, as well as a villain named Deathstrike, a woman with Wolverine claws who was possessed by an ancient spirit?? Don’t ask. I didn’t.

And now some other costume-clad villain motherfucker is going to start messing with Captain America’s shit. Kang the Conqueror! America has a lot of enemies. Makes sense.

Ready to see what happens next? Are ya? Are ya?!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [February, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“To Serve and Protect”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America is on the deck of a naval ship. Some dipshit in a green suit is holding a knife against the throat of some nerd four-eyes scientist. “Let me pass or the hostage dies!” says the Green Suit Dipshit. “You may have won the battle against Team Alpha…but you lost when Team Beta escaped with its spoils!” Before this exchange even started, Captain America threw his shield up in the air. Remember that, now!

I don’t know who the Hydra Organization is, but I guess Captain America is fighting a group that’s associated with the Hydra Organization. He’s fighting a bunch of green-suited dipshits. This is the last one standing.

The Hydra Organization is only half an hour away from commencing a nuclear strike on the United States! BA HAW HAW HAW HAWWW!! This particular dipshit in a green suit, the one holding four-eyes hostage, he finally notices that Captain America doesn’t have his shield. He’s taken aback for a split second when Captain America doesn’t seem concerned, but presses on with his tough-guy schtick. And just when Mr. Green Suit gets ready to pull the trigger on the gun he has aimed at the Good Captain, “SP’TANG!”!

“SP’TANG!” is the sound of the shield coming back down to Earth and knocking that fucker to the ground. Four-Eyes is unharmed. Sp’tang, indeed.

This is where I learn that the shield is made of an adamantium/vibranium alloy! Wow! Cool metals.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America strains to understand the Admiral’s jargon; words such as “infiltrated” and “computer”.

With the green dipshits deposed, the admiral of the ship arrives on the deck. He looks kind of like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. “Admiral, please tell me the Hydra didn’t get the virus!” whines Mr. Four-Eyes Scientist. The admiral is like “Of course they have the virus, nerd.” Captain America is confused, so Admiral T-1000 launches into a long, boring explanation!

So this submarine, the U.S.S. McNugget, once the next satellite picks up on the submarine’s location, the submarine’s computers will automatically upload the virus to the satellite and then transmit the virus to every single other navigational computer in the fleet! Oh no! What does this have to do with Japan?! I thought we were supposed to be in Japan! This isn’t Japan goddamnit!

Anyway, once this stupid virus corrupts the fleet’s computers there will be no way to anticipate Hydra’s attacks. The admiral’s only idea is to destroy the submarine before it can transmit the computer virus. Millions of innocent civilian lives vs. the lives of the submarine crew. This truly is the trolley problem, ain’t it? What a conundrum! Bzzt! Wrong! It’s NOT a conundrum! Nuke the submarine to smithereens, no brainer right there. Those dumbasses signed up for the military, it comes with the job! Bing bang boom.

But nooooo, Captain America is going to HEROICALLY attempt to save ALL lives like some sort of ALL LIVES MATTER kind of guy. “How much time before the uplink?” he asks. When told 22 minutes, he says “Give me 21!”. Yeah, ok, Chris Evans. Slow your roll.

Meanwhile, on the doomed submarine, another group of green-suited dipshits are holding the crew hostage and preparing for their unceremonious executions. “We will honor last requests…provided they are for a quick death!” says Dipshit Prime. There’s a racketous clanging sound coming from the torpedo tube, which distracts our Mean Green Gang. When one of them investigates the tube and opens the chamber, OUT BURSTS CAPTAIN AMERICA! “Knock, knock” he says as a full-page spread of his crotch entrances his faithful readers.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Yeehaw! Get’m Cap’n! You shore gave thems whatfer. Gon’ need m’jug o’ wine t’ cel’brate.

The submarine crew of fucking yokels cheers on the Good Captain as he makes short work of these interchangeable green men. Sound effects like “SP’TANG!” and “THWAM!” and “CHUD!” and “FWOK!” fill the pages as Captain America fights the good fight!

“Hey! Howcum we’re lettin’ him have all th’ fun?” asks some drooling hick. Pretty soon, the crew starts beating up these Hydra blowjobs along with the Cap’n. Too little too late, though, there’s more of these guys on the submarine than the Cap’n thought and there’s not much time before the vessel gets blown to smithereens! Smithereens, I say! Drastic times call for drastic measures, I always say! It’s the *glances at notecards* American way!

Captain runs up to the submarine…control center…cockpit…thing, and tells the guy at the controls to start diving, This enrages a Green Guy. “We cannot link to the satellite unless we are surfaced!” he snarls. “Think again!” bellows Captain America as he flings his big, stupid shield at the guy, which ricochets off of him and busts up the controls. “We’re on a suicide run!” he declares, which doesn’t sound very comforting!

As the Green Dudes plan their attack against Cap’n Crunch, the Cap’n heads back down to the other part of the submarine where the other guys were and tells the other guys that they’re close enough to the surface to escape. Once he notices that the commander is hurt, he asks who the ranking officer is. And it’s some WOMAN! WOMEN IN THE NAVY?! IN 1998?! HA HAH HAHHHAH HAHHAHA! HAHA! HAHAAHA!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Excellent! You’ll do just fine! Listen: we need to bomb this fucker with us still in it.

It’s Lieutenant Commander Rebecca Houston at your service, sir! “Good. I’ll need your expertise. We’ve got to destroy this sub.” Captain America says, alarmingly. Lieutenant Commander Rebecca Houston is blindsided!

Houston follows America as they run…somewhere. Meanwhile, two more Green Punks are hiding out trying to get a good aim on the Fearless USA Costumed Guy. “His shield is a magnificent weapon…but he cannot possibly use it in quarters so close.” says one, confident that the tiny little submarine corridors will render America positively NEUTERED. We’re talking BALLS CUT OFF here.

However, naturally, they underestimated the superhero’s ability to be super in times when superness is of the essence, and America launches the goddamned thing through the narrow passage. It knocks out both Green Guys. “Don’t knock the shield.” Cap’n triumphantly declares, as I groan quite audibly.

America and Houston reach a room with some suspiciously dead Greenies. “Blast. They’ve swallowed poison to avoid capture.” America says, and here I am thinking the same exact thing. Here I am thinking “Blast.”

Houston compliments America’s prowess with the shield, and America starts talking about it like he fucks it every night before bed. “That absolute connection is what makes us a formidable team. I depend on it like nothing else in this world.” Yeah, he fucks that thing.

The submerging submarine bangs off some rocks and everyone falls. Another fucking wack ass Green Guy shows up and says something stupid like “your location was a DEAD giveaway” or “oh Captain America it looks like you’ve DIED your hair” or “wow, Slappin’ Cappin’, looks like I’m gonna kill you DEAD courtesy of gun bullets sent special delivery from Shoot Town”. These gun bullets are coated in adamantium which could blast a hole through the Great Wall of China! He’s really gonna be finished now! HAR HAR!

But no, the bullet bounces off his shield and around the room about a hundred times, goes through the Green Dude’s body about four times, and now he’s donezo.

“We still have to destroy the sub so that no one ever retrieves the infecting virus…and I know the only way to do it! Let’s go!” orders the Captain heroically. And all the while, Lt. Commander Houston is showing a lot of patience with the blue-suited man whose plans involved tasks like “arm all 30 torpedoes at once” and “let’s jettison ourselves through a torpedo tube using the ensuing explosions as propulsion and my shield as the buffer!” It’s like, entirely go fuck yourself, dude.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You first, lady.

At this point Houston is clearly terrified, but when she projects her anxieties at Captain America about being “blown to bits”, Captain America reassures her with a hearty “Maybe not!” Hokay, Captain Submarine Explosion Man, but maybe your precious fuck-shield isn’t SO good that it can-

All right, they’re fine.

As the Captain and the Lt. Commander hang helplessly suspended under hundreds of feet of water, Captain looks between his sinking shield and the sinking Lt. Commander and decides to save…the woman first. He…nope…no, nevermind, he grabs her and then dives even deeper to go after the shield. Great. Thanks.

Both of their makeshift facemasks (which don’t look like they’re helping one bit anyway) begin to crack under the water pressure as he dives deeper. Her face is turning red as a beet. He finally says “screw this” and kicks his way back to the surface, leaving his shield behind.

When they break the water’s surface they find the rest of the submarine crew on a life raft. Captain America tries to cover himself from the sun with his shield, but how quick we forget…

He looks glum.

I guess 30 pages of shield-related jerkoffery should’ve been foreshadowing I had picked up on earlier!

Anyway, the end!

Final Thoughts

What the holy hell is this terrible writing? Did Mark Waid just watch a bunch of ‘80s G.I. Joe and write a comic book?

Wasn’t this guy just in Japan? Where did this submarine story come from out of nowhere? Wasn’t there, like, some stuff starting to happen at the end of Issue #1? Or is this losing-the-shield sidebar an important component of the story now?

I quite literally had zero interest in any of this navy tale until Captain America’s shield sank to the bottom of the ocean. Now I’m all in again, because that is hilarious! I hope the ocean wins!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “Sinestro (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “Sinestro (Part 1)”! And so I begin my precocious new adventure into the mythos that is Green Lantern, which may or may not have had its continuity upended and bastardized dozens of times by the time the New 52 imprint got their hands on it anyway! I have no frame of reference. I don’t know anything about the Green Lantern except 1) something about a ring is involved, and 2) that Big Bang Theory nerd wears a shirt a lot that may or may not even be Green Lantern-related in the first place! What the hell do I know? I’d rather read Batman comics! This better be good is all I’m saying.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 1)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

OK, so the Green Lantern looks like a middle-aged Vincent Price! When I think of superheroes I first think of Vincent Price! I’m already sold!

We start off with a cute little bedtime prayer: “In brightest day…in blackest night…no evil shall escape my sight…let those who worship evil’s might…BEWARE MY POWER!” Ok, so it’s not the greatest bit of poetry, and the complicated rhyme scheme kind of falls on its face at the end there, but hey, nobody’s perfect!

Oh, it continues. “…GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!” Ho hum. The Green Lantern is in some room with his wrists chained. A council of some hovering little big-brained blue guys in red robes surround him.

“It’s been a long time since you have uttered that oath, Sinestro. How did it feel?” asks one of the big-brained blue guys. I’m gonna call him Brett. Check out the big brain on Blue Brett! Ha! This Sinestro guy, his ring is glowing with positively RADIOACTIVE green light. His face is desperate and red. He looks like shit. “What do you want with me, guardians? I did what you asked. I said the oath. Now remove this ring!”

The stern-faced blue oompah loompahs tell Sinestro that the ring chose him to once again be part of the corps, even in spite of his past betrayal. Time for redemption, Sinestro! Get a move on!

Sinestro doesn’t want to redeem himself! Fuck that noise, he doesn’t have to prove anything to the corps or the guardians or nobody! But, he’s wearing the ring, so oh well! The guardians tell him to protect his sector and that he is free to go. Sinestro grabs his hovering lantern and floats away into space without another word.

Once Sinestro leaves, the blue guys start bickering. Apparently, Sinestro abused his Green Lantern powers in order to become a dictator on his home world of Korugar. That kind of shenanigans is frowned upon among the Blue Council! The one called Ganthet is extra pissed about this; he says Sinestro intended to destroy the guardians and now we just gave him his Special Decoder Ring and his Special Lantern back! Another blue guy simply says that it’s good to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I’m with Ganthet on this one. That’s fucked up, Smurf guys.

But, the council has had enough of Ganthet’s shit and they mind-zap him!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

The comic book intergalactic gangbang we’ve all been waiting for!

So the guy on the cover is Sinestro, not the main guy. The main guy is Hal Jordan, he looks like a better superhero. Nice hair, muscles, that’s more like it!

Hal Jordan is sleepily sifting through a giant pile of “BILL PAST DUE” envelopes on a dining room table. His skinny, young landlord is beside him giving him the business. Pay up or your ass is grass! As his landlord demands his money, Jordan is distracted by a domestic dispute in the next apartment over. He can see some bald, veiny fucker grabbing a skinny blonde woman by the throat through his kitchen window. He knocks his dining table over while running out of the room. “CALL 9-1-1!” he yells at his angry and bewildered landlord, who probably thinks this is another ploy to avoid paying the rent. Perhaps the RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH! sir.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

OHH YEEAAAHHH!!

This guy, this Hal Jordan guy, he leaps across buildings and crashes through the goddamned window like the Kool-Aid Man. He starts punching this veiny, bald guy out of nowhere! Really letting him have it! …and then realizes that a camera crew is in the room filming a scene. And the only thing he has to say for himself is “Oh, damn.” Off to jail with you, you smarty man you!

This doesn’t seem to be the first time this has happened. Some young possible love interest named Carol Ferris posts his bail and they skedaddle. “You’re not the Green Lantern anymore, Hal. You could’ve been killed.” she berates him, and Jordan responds with exposition dialogue. That’s nice of him, he knew I was reading.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Look Hal, we don’t want an accidental 9/11 on our hands. The real 9/11 was bad enough without you upping the ante.

He tells her that while he was discharged from the air force because he was missing in action, but SHE knows the REAL truth: that he was off the planet saving the Green Lantern Corps! She tells him, fighting off the planet or not, she can’t insure any planes that he flies. So there! This woman owns a whole airline?

Anyway, Hal Jordan’s a sad sack these days in more ways than one. The guardians took his ring for what may be similar reasons that his pilot’s license has been revoked. Not only that, but they gave a ring to Sinestro! Sinestro! It’s like, what the fuck! That guy’s a real douchebag! She says, maybe whatever’s going on with the Green Lantern Corps is none of their business anymore. Fuck it! She herself hasn’t put on the “star sapphire ring” either since she got back. So relax, homie.

MEANWHILE, SPACE SECTOR 1447, PLANET KORUGAR: Sinestro is chillin’ on some asteroid-thing looking through a weird, giant glowing telescope. Big dinosaurs with scepters are enslaving the citizens! WHAT ELSE IS KNEW, EH? Suddenly, some grotesque purple reptile crashes down on Sinestro and destroys the telescope. “DIE, LANTERN!” the creature snarls while Sinestro barely looks phased. He looks like he’s about ready to fart, actually. Perhaps this purple creature caught him at a bad time? A bad fartin’ time?

“I will skin you!” the reptile yells, and then recognizes him, “…Sinestro? We have been waiting for your return. What are you wearing?” the big ugly creature stares at the ring while Sinestro points it at his face. Sinestro wants answers, his orders were to protect Korugar, not enslave it. The creature is fuming! The yellow light is betrayed! What is this nonsense?! The yellow light! Not the green light, we’re talking about yellow here, Sinestro! Yellow!

Sinestro reveals a cord from his ring and starts choking the Purple Lizard with it. “I betrayed nothing.” he says, choking the bastard out. The yellow ring leaves his finger and Sinestro blasts it to pieces.

Hal and Carol are dressed up all fancy-like and having a fancy-like dinner, which I’m sure Carol is paying for since she owns an entire airline and Hal’s a deadbeat bum. He’s been thinking a lot about what she said, about forgetting the whole Green Lantern business and moving on. Sounds sensible to me, he needs to get a fucking job. And that’s just what he does. Whatever position is open for him at Ferris Air, he’s willing to take it. Janitor! I hope it’s a janitor! I hope he gets to plunge toilets at a gross airport bathroom. The private pilot bathroom! I want him to plunge other pilots’ turds.

“I never thought I’d be doing this, but…I need to ask you something,” he tells her sheepishly. She thinks he’s going to propose or something, but he asks her to be a cosigner for a lease on a new car.

How charming!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Ooooh, I’m a connoisseur of drinks splashed in my face! Could that be…hmm…is it Capri-Sun? Ahhh, the aforementioned Kool-Aid?

Anyway, she leaves. He runs out after her and wonders what her fucking problem was, and then realizes that maybe he got her hopes up. She’s still mad, though, basically tells him to go eat worms! “You’ve been off-planet for so long, you’re beyond out of touch with everyday life–and people” she tells him bluntly as she gets in her car and burns rubber! He has no ride now! LOL!

Hal Jordan walks home in the pouring rain, only to discover an eviction notice taped to his apartment door.

We end with an off-putting, slightly glowing, still kinda red Sinestro approaching Jordan in the hallway. “If you want your ring back, you’ll do everything I say.”

Final Thoughts

So far so good. I’m already primed to expect any DC superhero to be all super and heroic, so I’m taken aback already that Hal Jordan has Marvel-levels of rock bottom patheticness! Show me the Superman comic where he kicks an actor’s ass in front of a camera crew, I dare you!

That won’t last long, though. Hal’s gonna be back on his feet by the end of Issue #2. As far as what he’s going to need to do to get his ring back, I’m guessing there’s going to be page after page of Hal Jordan sucking Sinestro’s dick in the next installment, and I, for one, welcome it.


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Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”

* Part 1 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”!

I know just a tad more about Captain America than some of the other superheroes. I know he’s played in the movies by Chris Evans who is shaped like a Dorito! I know that he should be somewhere in the 1940s but he’s somehow been transported to the current day via time travel? Frozen in ice? Wormhole? I know he throws his shield.

OK, maybe I don’t know much about Captain America. And I’m not very patriotic, so I hope there’s not a lot of NATIONALIST PROPAGANDA strewn about these pages or I will LOSE MY MIND! RAWR! Just like that.

As far as I can tell, the first four issues don’t adhere to a strict linear storyline, and then there’s a three-parter. So methinks I’ll make it through the first seven issues on this one before moving on to something else for a bit. SOUND GOOD? You don’t care. Let’s just start this shitshow!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [January, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

The issue’s backpage features a recap, so here it is:

“For decades, he was the ultimate soldier in the war to preserve the American ideal, yet he never saw himself as anything greater than a man. And so he fought the good fight until the day he gave his life for his country. On that day, he became something greater than a man. He became an icon. Now he is back, but can even Captain America live up to the role the world has thrust upon him?”

OK, so that’s not much of a recap at all. Now he is back? Back from what, exactly? Back from his vacation in Rome? Does Captain America love America so much that he never leaves the country? Where does he vacation? Casper, Wyoming?

OK, we begin the story in Japan. Some of Japan’s culture, especially the Ginza Strip, is slowly westernizing with the inclusion of fast food restaurants and Levi’s stores. Many residents are embracing this westernization, but some…not so much.

An obnoxious novelty restaurant called “Uncle Sammy’s” has been invaded by an extremist group called Strikeforce Ukiyoe, which aims to “deliver Japan back to the Japanese on a river of blood”. One guy has a semi-automatic weapon aimed at some poor waitress’ temple. She’s garbed in all sorts of stupid USA shit: Uncle Sam hat, flag earrings, cowboy boots. Only red, white, and blue colors. She looks like your average Trump supporter at a rally! “…all that we have achieved will be but a memory…unless we take decisive action to purify our land! Unless we make a brutal example of those sorry fools who celebrate westernization!” yells Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

The arrangement of these three colors on this piece of cloth offends my sensibilities! Eat flame!

Before one of them can burn the oh-so-sacred American flag, a goddamned red, white, and blue round shield with a star in the middle clobbers this guy in the face. The shield is going nuts, bouncing this way and that! It’s like it has a mind of its very own! Just cold-cocking these bad guys one by one! Incredible!

Captain America himself retrieves the torch before it can fall to the ground. He holds it triumphantly in a full-page spread like some kind of American asshole. “Don’t even think about it.” he warns. Ooooh, chills!

The guy yelling with the gun is still standing. “Stay back! This isn’t your battle” the guy stammers nervously. He’s nervous because he knows he’s going to be eating his own butt in about four seconds. Patrons of the restaurant start swarming Captain America with awe and wonder, which distracts him. He tells them all to stand aside, but it’s no use. Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy skips out of there, threatening to kill him later tonight. The patrons ask for autographs, all in disbelief about his presence. “Thought you were gone for eternity!” one tells him. Satisfied with completing his job, I GUESS, Captain America skips out as well.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’m supposed to be a man of the people! But fuck these people, they always just get in the way!

Aha, a splash page showing a real recap!

“Steve Rogers, patriot of the second world war, denied a chance to serve his country until a unique military experiment maximized his physical structure, turning him into a super-solider. Frozen in suspended animation at war’s-end, he awoke in the modern world a man out of time…but never out of courage. He is…CAPTAIN AMERICA”

And there you go. A “recap” of his origin story. AND NOW HE’S BACK. (?)

Captain America is ultra-pissed that those fucking urchins in the restaurant blocked him from his enemy! The superhero sticks out like a sore thumb in his stupid costume among the crowded street while he looks for him. He tries to warn the police, but not only do they likely not understand his English, they start fawning over the guy as well. In Japanese, they mention to each other an event happening “tonight”, perhaps some sort of theatrical performance, and they assume that Captain America is just some nerd in a costume. Confused, the Cap’n moves on. Looking around the city and seeing all the evidence of American culture, Cap’n can understand why some people would be so mad.

More recap: Captain America doesn’t know why he’s in Tokyo in the first place. All he remembers is fighting some villain named Onslaught with the other Avengers in Central Park, which might have been yesterday. Next thing he knows, he’s next to a restaurant that’s being attacked by America-hating dudes in karate outfits with big guns! Very strange. And all his memories are quite fuzzy. He’s not even sure what day it is.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

BUHHHH, DAAAHHH, BUT I’M DA REAL CAP-I-TAN.

Cap’n approaches a newspaper stand and asks the guys there if they have more info about Strikeforce Ukiyoe. The guys just laugh to themselves about the Captain’s costume. Cap’n is getting buttfrustrated! He peeks at a magazine cover, and I guess he can understand enough Japanese to finally make some sense of what’s going on. Or perhaps it’s just an image of, like, Captain America sucking off Bucky Barnes! WE THE AUDIENCE DON’T GET TO KNOW YET! We have to keep reading. What a scam!

After Captain America walks away, the Newsboys catch a news report on their TV. Members of the Avengers are announcing their victory over Onslaught, but three heroes are unaccounted for: Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America. MYSTERY! INTRIGUE! SUCKING OFF BUCKY BARNES!

Meanwhile, elsewhere, but still somewhere in Japan, some unknown individual is talking to some guy named Osamu about their greatest influence: Masao Hashikura, a writer who fucking hated western culture so much that he assembled his own army called the Haru Society. The army constituted a piddly five members. The Haru Society once held a rally at the Tokyo Military HQ and Hashikura gave a rousing post-WWII anti-westernization speech! And then they, and the entire audience, committed protest suicide! “What a beautiful story.” says the unknown individual who still hasn’t been shown on-panel yet as he’s probably some snot-nosed weeaboo.

Ahh, it’s some demon woman thing! Lady Deathstrike. An ancient spirit possessed her, and now her only goal is to preserve Japanese culture come hell or high water! A footnote tells me I need to go read Wolverine, Issue #114 for the full story on that, but I’m not going to fucking do that! I can’t believe this is the first time in over 50 comic books that I was directed to read some other series for context. It will certainly not be the last from what I’ve heard.

Deathstrike also remembers that, at Hashikura’s rally, one individual did not kill himself with honor! And that man’s name was…*points to Osamu*…Rick Moranis!

I mean, Osamu.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

If creating my terrorist organization isn’t a good enough apology for you, then NOTHING will be a good enough apology for you!

Osamu is simply SHOCKED at this accusation! Osamu was one of the guys trying to gun down Uncle Sammy’s, by the way. He starts gibbering, blithering, blubbering, flubbering, and snubbering, saying that he has been filled with great shame since that day. Just full to the brim with all that shame, ma’am. That’s why I, Osamu bin Laden, created a terrorist organization! To atone! I swear it on my complete lack of honor! But then, grrrrr, then that piece of shit Captain Stinkypants America had to show up! Grrrr, am I right?

Deathstrike doesn’t believe him. Captain Crunch is supposed to be dead or something! And Strikeforce Unagi wants him dead, and even the police don’t believe he’s still alive. They think he’s just some costumed jerk walking around, which is true anyway. But the big confusion is that this whole Captain America vs. Dragonforce Ukiyoe thing is some theatrical production happening for the public’s entertainment.

Deathstrike lunges her hand at Omasu’s neck with her giant weird claw fingers and tells him to figure it the fuck out before she loses her shit. If the police think everything’s a big game, then Forcestrike Ukiyoe should be able to whack this superhero in plain sight, right? So get going! Omasu begs for Deathstrike’s help to distract Captain America on their behalf, since, admittedly, Omasu’s wacky team of wacky nationalists are no match for him. Deathstrike sees this as another Coward’s Gambit, as it were. I just made that phrase up!

*Googles “Coward’s Gambit”, sees 340 results* …well fuck.

Omasu backpedals. “No! I will not run! I will face my fear!…I am ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for the cause!” So Deathstrike tells him to put his money where his mouth is. If he becomes a martyr: cool. If he runs away again: she’ll kill him. He dies either way! What a fun dichotomy of choices. I’m looking forward to seeing how that mess will play out.

It took him all day, but Captain America found a clothing store that accepts his fistful of good ol’ genuine American dollars! No yen for this guy! Aiming to be inconspicuous, he changes into a conspicuous trench coat, becoming STEVE ROGERS! DUN-DUH-DUH-DUUUNNNNN! For the first time all day, he notices a 30-foot statue of his likeness in the middle of the crowded city square.

The Good Cap’n lets us know that, per the magazine cover, a Captain America movie was made without his knowledge. Somehow. Also, kiosks and stores everywhere are selling Captain America knick-knacks and action figures, which makes Rogers sad. And now he’s caught in the middle of this Japanese culture war just because a movie about him is premiering in Tokyo. Not only that, but a museum was knocked down to build a movie theater! HISTORY IS GETTING DESTROYED! MAKE JAPAN GREAT AGAIN!

A reporter asks Rogers his opinion of westernization as an America. Rogers says that it is quite jarring to see shit like Starbucks in Tokyo (ha!), but on the other hand, it’s not like America invaded Japan or anything. The country was willing to invite westernization. In short, he’s torn. As he walks away from the reporter, he spots Osamu ahead of him in the crowd and tells the reporter to call the police.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

They put a bitterant in the cans, but that doesn’t stop me from a-huffin’!

It sounds like there’s going to be a movie theater massacre for a superhero movie, which is eerily prescient here in 1998. Members of Strikeforce Ualuealuealeuale, also in trench coats, are purchasing tickets.

The theater is packed with rabid Captain America fans! A movie about Captain America?! What a silly notion! In the back of the room, Strikeforce Umbrella Academy is preparing by locking the exits and getting their weapons and nerve gas canisters ready. However, before they can even throw so much as a stink bomb, Captain America shows up in the flesh! And he uppercuts a sucka! WOO! USA! USA! Show no mercy, you American bastard.

The fight continues right in front of the movie screen. Theatergoers are relishing the live performance! What fun!

“How dare you terrorize the country? What gives you the right to endanger innocent lives?” Captain USofA demands as he reigns blows on these bitches. “Ask her…” one says, and suddenly Deathstrike appears and attempts to claw at Captain America’s face! His fucking face! Ohh, he’s mad now!

They start fight-talkin’, but, crazily enough, neither party seems to understand each other! He starts mumbling to himself about not intending to make a scene, like he didn’t fucking know what would happen when he leaped out in costume and started punching people. The theatergoers start realizing that none of this is an act, and they start panicking. Like this: AAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHH!!! Like that.

Captain America has a dumb plan. He’s going to try to trick Deathstrike into slashing the chains on the exit doors with her super cutty fingers! She picks up on this plan right away, though, because it was a dumb plan. She wags a long, sharp finger at him as if she were scolding a giant man-child.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

How many more years have you gonna wreck my life…

It seems, though, that she was tricked into cutting off most of the gas canister relays. Two are left. Omasu nervously tries to work fast. The movie narrates the live fight, isn’t that amusing? “Very well, Captain, I surrender…” Deathstrike begins “…only when I am beyond the grave!” Psych! Innocents in the movie theater cry out in fear!

All right, this is taking forever. They keep fighting. The movie announces that Captain America disappeared after the fight with Onslaught “late last year”, which distracts Cap’n long enough for Deathstrike to kick him right in the head. Osamu has his finger on the nerve gas release button; if he dies and removes his finger, it’s Gas City! So now what?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Go to hell, flag fucker.

So now Captain America tries reasoning with these maniacs. “You say you revere your cultural heritage, and yet you speak English fluently” he yells at Omasu. Captain America says that Omasu claims to possess the kamikaze spirit, but his experience shows that real warriors have the fire in their eyes. Omasu has no fire. Osamu stammers and gibbers again at this. Captain America makes his way up to the scaffolds in the theater to where Osamu is standing. Osamu gets on his knees, admitting that he does not have the strength to fight and die for his cause.

In the aftermath, Captain America talks to the press. Everyone was saved, and Deathstrike had mysteriously vanished. The reporter says that now Captain America has been elevated from hero to idol. “What impact will this have on the man behind the mask?” he says as Captain America stares at the huge statue of him, slightly unnerved.

In Istanbul, a news report that Captain America is alive in Japan completely irritates a woman named Renny. She’s kicking a group of asses in a restaurant. She seems like a bad person! We’ll see.

In Wisconsin, some villain in a green and purple suit with a shiny blue mask named Kang the Conqueror has a chilling surprise planned for the newly revived hero.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I know, this was a particularly long write-up. But hey, this was a particularly long issue! Over 50 pages! You gotta do your due diligence.

Steve Rogers seems like a man devoid of a personality higher than one dimension! Let’s hope this changes, I don’t need a guy all about America just because it’s America! I already see enough of that in my day-to-day.

Sayonara!


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[2021 Overflow] Veilburner, Backxwash, and Poppy

Welcome to 2022. January is odds-and-ends month, so while I wait for a fresh pile of new music to come out I’m going to spend the next four Wednesdays wrapping up 2021 with twelve more records that deserve their days in the spotlight. Today’s 2021 Overflow features albums from Veilburner, Backxwash, and Poppy.

Veilburner – Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull
(September 24, 2021)

Veilburner - Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull

Veilburner’s fifth album cracked my 2021 Top 25 with a coveted spot at #22, and most of the problem here was that I was a latecomer to this magnificent slab of ghoulish, unearthly extreme metal. No doubt it would be higher on my year-end list had I been able to spend more time with it.

I’m constantly on the lookout for new or undiscovered metal of the “extremely weird” variety, and the definition of “extremely weird” can be malleable. Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull is the clear winner in 2021 with its atmospheric cross between a nightmare alien planet and Hell itself. The ambitious opening track alone, “In the Tomb of Dreaming Limbo”, hits much of what’s great about this whole project. Snarling, echoed demon vocals. Standard speed metal solo guitar that breaks down (with acid, probably) and bends into impossible psychedelic chords and intervals. Spidery industrial, off-key synths that dance evilly around the frenetic drumming. All tightly arranged and perfected in order to give the listener an audio soundtrack to descending into insanity. The concept is literally a man struggling with a terrifying mental illness! Ain’t that neat?!

What makes it for me is that, underneath all the madness, the visceral moods shine through. There’s piety in the clean vocal chants near the end of “Cursed, Disfigured, Amen!”. The title track buzzes with villainous jubilation. The murky plodding of “Para-Opaque” reminds me of Elvis Presley if his music was eviscerated by the Residents during a fentanyl near-overdose.

And yet, I keep coming back for the warped, feverish effects splashed across every note, every riff, to the point where I feel like I’m stumbling dizzy through some haunted carnival house of mirrors. There’s so much more to say, but I’ll leave it at that for now. It’s very good album.

Early Verdict:

Backxwash – I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES
(June 20, 2021)

Backxwash - I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES

Backxwash’s fantastic third studio album rests comfortably at my year-end list’s #13, and is my overall favorite hip hop album of the year. I tend to like my hip hop gritty, theatrically angry, and with aggression to match. These days, the industrial hip hop acts fit the bill nicely. Death Grips, clipping., a little JPEGMAFIA, a little dälek here and there, and, of course, Zambian-Canadian rapper Ashanti Mutinta as featured in this very review capsule thingy!

I was intrigued by her 2020 album, but I never got a chance to hear it. Rectified in 2021, I thoroughly enjoyed her whole LP discography and eagerly welcome every future offering from this possibly prolific artist. I LIE HERE BURED… opens with a looped sample of a doctor describing the purpose of pain (“It’s in this sense that a little bit of pain is a good thing.“), repeated enough to bring absurdity to the words. Well, it’s pain you’re gonna get! A whole earful. Distorted shouting and chopped heavy metal riffs commence at a rumbling, apocalyptic pace. Mutinta lays it all bare, track after track, for 33 minutes.

I can only imagine the plight of a transgender woman raised in a Christian Zambian community. Obviously. But if Backxwash’s music is intended to be a sonic recreation of that personal emotional heft, then man…it’s probably a pretty good sonic recreation.

Early Verdict:

Poppy – Flux
(September 24, 2021)

Poppy - Flux

No, Poppy didn’t reach the heights of my Top 25 for 2021, but she snagged the #3 spot on my Top 20 for 2020. And rightfully so, as 2020’s I Disagree was a formidable marriage of grunge, metal, industrial rock…and also the occasional extramarital flirting with J-pop but shhh don’t tell.

So I went into Flux with much anticipation. At its core, I Disagree was a successful experiment wherein anything artificial and/or overproduced was consistent with the Youtube star’s cultivated character, so maybe I expected something totally wild this time. Tuvan throat-singing over Trent Reznor-style aggro-turbulence? A 50-minute drone metal workout? Hardly. It’s a little bit of a step back this go around, but for the first time it feels like we’re getting more Poppy the Person and less Poppy the Weird Uncanny Valley Alien Satirical Youtube Character.

And why do I think that? I don’t know, the songs feel warmer on Flux. They feel like they weren’t created in a laboratory to stringent specifications. And, hey, this lady’s got talent after all, huh? Most of these nine songs are muscular earworms, borrowing elements from a wide range of rock styles. Personal highlights include “Lessen the Damage”, which explores the poppier side of Sleater-Kinney riot grrl punk, and “Hysteria”, a straightforward surf pop song with the kind of introspective storytelling you’d get from Phoebe Bridgers of Faye Webster.

On a surface level, Poppy’s music skirts the fine line between artistic expression and soulless commercialism, so a little bit of backstory on the evolution of the Poppy persona is required to appreciate the fact that, yes, it IS artistic expression. Fully. And maybe that helps my enjoyment of her music, but I can’t complain too hard if the hooks are there!

Early Verdict:


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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 – “Friend in Need”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Year One storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 – “Friend in Need”! The fourth and final chapter of one of the most universally acclaimed Batman stories. In the previous installment, after Gordon witnesses Batman save an old woman’s life, and then the subsequent battle between Bat and SWAT, Gordon is having second thoughts about his opinion of the caped vigilante. Meanwhile, with Gotham’s entire police force against him, Batman realizes he needs an ally on the inside…

Other big things: this particular story shows the origin of the whore-turned-masked-somethingorother Catwoman, and also Gordon is cheating on his pregnant wife with his sexy, blonde cop partner! I RECKON EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT FINE HERE.

Onward.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 [May, 1987]
Written by: Frank Miller
“Friend in Need”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

September 2. This is about two and a half months after Gordon and Essen sucked each other’s faces in the rain. They’re sitting in the same little diner that they sit in every night together after their shift is over. Gordon looks Sad Mustache. It appears that they’re both sadly breaking things off. Good to do it now before Barbara breaks something else off, Jim, knowwhati’msayin’?

A news report shows Gordon’s successful bust of narcotics dealer JEFFERSON SKEEVERS, which is a great name to give your kid if you want him slinging drugs around! Looks like Gordon’s doing good things for the city of Gotham! Spoiler Alert: He sticks around!

I’d like to point out at this point, if I may, that I’m way more fucking interested in the Jim Gordon side of this storyline than the Bruce Wayne side. Bruce Wayne can go suck a barrel full of lemons! In fact, every character around Batman is way more interesting than Batman. Where’s my 400-issue Albert spinoff? HUH? ANSWER ME!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Snoggin’ dat ass.

September 7. Whoops! Well, I was wrong earlier, those two lovebirds are still going at it like a couple of, well, like a couple of lovebirds! Heh.

As the two of them chew on each other’s lips in Gordon’s office, Gordon’s inner monologue goes nuts, talking about how in love he is with her. About how she requested a transfer out of Gotham City. He seems to be mulling over whether or not he will accept the request.

Another news report shows bail set for Jefferson Skeevers by a district court judge, a decision that Assistant DA Harvey Dent had agreed with…

September 10. Gordon’s getting feisty in Harvey Dent’s office! “HWAH HWAH BLAH BALHRB ABLAHB” Gordon argues his point! “I understand how you feel, Lieutenant” Dent responds, smilingly.

September 11. THE PLANES HIT THE TWIN TOWERS! Lol. No, something else is happening to a building right now: Batman is climbing up the apartment complex where Jefferson Skeevers is snorting lines while his lawyer berates him. “I want you in a blue suit at the inquest. With a tie. Make it black. Same for the shoes. None of that pimp stuff.” Skeevers’ lawyer tells him as he’s huffing nose candy at the coffee table. She leaves him there and locks the door. Now is Batman’s time to shine, baby!

A giant crash brings his lawyer back to the door. “–Skeevers. Are you all right?” she asks.

“Better lay off that coke. Bad on the nerves.” she says and walks away again.

“You can never escape me. Bullets don’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. Sometimes I share it. With someone like you.” This is Batman talking, and then the scene fades to black. Skeevers is gonna get some Gotham Justice courtesy of the Justice…Guy.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Are you SKEEVED out yet?

September 12. Hunched over in a trench coat and a hat, Skeevers is in Gordon’s office asking for a plea bargain. He’s willing to talk about Flass, about Loeb, about whoever he needs to talk about. Gordon sends for Dent.

A news report shows Flass getting indicted for cooperating with Skeever’s drug operation. Fuck that guy!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

D’oh! How did I miss that giant 1987 surveillance camera that was nine inches away from us?!

September 13. No more Mr. Nice Bowtie! Commissioner Loeb has a few choice words for the Lieutenant. Perhaps he’s going to start really boxing his ears! You don’t fuck with Flass, Gordon! He’s a buddy!

“Friendship, Gordon. Loyalty. These words still count for something in Gotham City.” Loeb scolds the man. Gordon stands his ground, though, says this is exactly the kind of thing Loeb brought him in for. “You get good press, I’ll give you that.” Loeb starts with a sinister glint in his pasty, prickly, pudding face. “But they don’t know you. No they don’t. Not the way we know you…”

And now Gordon’s eyes are bloodshot at seeing the dirt laid out in front of him. Start playing nice, Gordo, or it’s curtains for your crumbling marriage!

September 25. Gordon is cooperating with Loeb on hunting down Batman. We see Gordon and his wife enter Wayne Manor. A blonde woman wearing a pink nightshirt and holding a bottle of liquor is slumped in a loveseat in Bruce’s study. The Gordons are told that Bruce has a hangover this morning, but he will be down to talk shortly. They are welcome to wait in his study until then. Barbara is quite frowny.

Bruce Wayne, in a robe, pours a drink while cozying up next to his little floozy. “It is Batman you want to talk about, isn’t it? About my being him?” Bruce says casually. Gordon starts asking him about his whereabouts on certain dates in the last few months…

Later, once they start driving away, the Gordons discuss their, uh, pleasant stay at Michael Keaton’s Manor. Jim starts to see the parallels between him and Bruce Wayne going to great lengths to keep their respective closely-guarded secrets. Jim stops the car. “Honey, there’s something we have to talk about…” he begins. Uh oh!

Back at the manor, Bruce is looking out the window, wary of Gordon’s ten-minute stop before starting to drive again. “Alfred, how did you like my performance?” Bruce asks his faithful, to a fault, servant. “Hmf. I suppose you’ll take up flying next. Like that fellow in Metropolis.” Alfred responds, breaking the fourth wall a tad for the amusement of the readers! Ho ho! Oh, Alfred, you slay me, sir!

October 2. Flass is in hot water! I big tall Flass of hot water! He’s facing ten years in prison for his association with Jefferson “Big Sniffy” Skeevers! “That’s if Skeevers is alive enough to testify.” Flass says to Dent while his sweating lawyer gibbers.

October 5. Gordon got to her before Loeb could. No more leverage.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Yes, sir. Penis in vagina. I know how it works.

October 7. Jefferson “Skeevy McGee” Skeevers is poisoned, but his stomach is pumped before he dies.

October 10. Dent seems amused while Gordon insists that Skeevy will testify no matter what. He got poisoned, so what! His lawyer quit on him, so what! So the city is working their ass off to try to scare the drug guy, so what!

October 12. Big day all around! James Gordon Jr. is born! Commissioner Loeb’s $40,000 collection of shitty trinkets has been burglarized!

November 2. CAT burglarized, that is! By a CAT! A CAT-like Woman, you might say! The TV in the background of Selina and Holly’s, uh, dwelling, indicates that Batman is the prime suspect of the burglary. Meanwhile, Selina is ripping a head off a Charlie Brown figurine wondering what the hell she’s going to do with all this trash. “Thought he’d have jewels, or paintings” she mumbles. The news report only adds insult to injury, giving credit to the fucking Batman?! Please, this shit takes finesse.

She gets an idea to leave a calling card for the next victim: a single scratch across the cheek. They wouldn’t think it was Batman then. Perhaps she’ll target the Roman next, who was hogtied and ransacked himself only two issues ago! “Where’d I put that damn costume…” she says as she kicks around the Loeb clutter.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Oh my! Not the dreaded Womggahhh!

Elsewhere in the city, Batman is soaring across the night sky in his makeshift Batman hang glider. Let me look up the name of it…ah, the Bat-Glider. Very creative! What a coincidence, he’s heading over to the Roman as well. The Roman literally operates out of a Roman Pantheon temple structure on top of a large city building, complete with bathhouses and everything. How very subtle. The Roman is doing mafia things that don’t seem critical to the story while Batman stalks the roof.

Suddenly, a hissing woman garbed in cat pajamas claws a guard’s face outside the front of the Pantheon. As he’s doubled over crying, the Roman runs out and demands her alive and in pain. “Batman. You work for the Batman.” he yells at her. Meanwhile, Batman is still laying low on the Pantheon roof, dumbstruck.

As the Roman’s men advances on Catwoman, batarangs out of nowhere lodge themselves in the various vital organs and glands of his men, rendering them unconscious? Dead? Only the clawed-face guy is left conscious at any rate. Catwoman smiles in the direction of her unseen accomplice and continues her burglary.

November 3. Bruce is listening to a recording he made of the Roman doing mafia things that don’t seem critical to the story still maybe? He’s doing one-handed push-ups in his underwear less than a foot away from where Alfred is sitting and reading the newspaper. Alfred doesn’t seem to be…entirely…aroused… Bruce is speaking out loud about what to do about the Roman.

That evening, Selina watches the news report about the incident with the Roman. The anchor calls her “a woman with claws, presumably Batman’s assistant.” We’re one step closer! But, obviously, Selina doesn’t like that either.

OK, so the mafia stuff was critical to the story! I know when I can stand corrected, make no mistake. The Roman is working with Loeb to put a hit out on Lieutenant Gordon’s family. On a night Gordon is off-duty, the commissioner calls him in for some piddly low-ranking officer shit. Loeb then lets the Roman know that Gordon has left his apartment.

Shortly after leaving his apartment building’s parking garage, Gordon watches a man on a motorcycle, whom he doesn’t recognize, enter the garage. Gordon starts putting some of the pieces together, does a u-ey and guns it back to his pad.

Stealthily, he stakes out the parking garage, gun out. “I’m ready for you, bitch. Cunt bitch.” he mutters! Ha! That’s my own writing! The crying of his newborn son gives away the location of the Roman’s mafia lapdog holding the baby in a car with a knife brandished. “Drop the gun, Lieutenant. Go to the office. Wait for our call.” Mr. Mafia says coldly. More goons are pushing Barbara into the car. If I let them go, they’re dead- Gordon thinks as two men have their guns trained on our favorite Ginger Mustachioed Do-Gooder. He aims and fires to kill.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Not only does he have a gun, but he’s got BULLETS! We didn’t plan for this!

Looks like he takes one out before catching a bullet in the shoulder. The two men who are already in the car are taken by surprise at Gordon’s reaction and attempt to peel out of the parking garage. He takes out the motorcycle driver as he tries to leave on his bike. Gordon instructs Barbara, who was still out of the car, to call the police. He hops onto the motorcycle and chases after the car, which still contains his newborn son.

There’s a man lying down in the parking lot. Barbara has a gun aimed at him and threatens to kill, but the man insists that he’s not here to hurt her son. It’s revealed to us that it’s Bruce Wayne, and why he’s there and how he knew to be there right at that time confuses and bewilders me! But he’s there, and he hops on a bicycle to chase after the motorcycle which is chasing after the car! Oh my!

Gordon shoots a tire out while the car is crossing a suspended bridge. The out-of-control car plunges into the railing into a ear-splitting cacophony of crunching metal and breaking glass. The driver is dead. Gordon hops off and books it to the car. He can’t hear his son crying.

The guy with the Moe Howard haircut opens his passenger door into Gordon, knocking him back. The baby is still alive. Moe Howard pushes Gordon against the rail of the bridge, and Gordon is giving everything he has to keep Moe’s knife arm away. Holy shit, dude, the baby is dropped over the side.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Who’s that Pokemon?! It’s Tentacool! Plus a man holding a baby.

The last thing Gordon sees is his newborn baby plummeting toward the water. What he doesn’t see is Bruce Wayne launching down from the suspension cables to grab the baby mid-drop. As this is happening, the Stooge and Gordon are both knocked over the side.

Barbara runs up to the side of the bridge to see the damage. Bruce triumphantly holds up the unhurt, but crying miserably, baby. Gordon is also unhurt, but exhausted. Barbara is beside herself with anxious relief. Stooge lies unconscious, but face-up in the shallow water.

December 3. At Flass’ court hearing, he brings to evidence a book of notes he had taken with every meeting he had with Commissioner Loeb. Very diligent notes. It took him two weeks and five days to…ahem…remember where had left his notebook.

Commissioner Loeb is preparing the terms of his resignation. It is unlikely he will serve jail time. They’re lining up a replacement immediately.

All this media attention puts Gordon in the spotlight. He gets promoted to Captain.

Sarah Essen is in New York City. Gordon wishes her well.

Jim Gordon and Barbara are making some progress in marriage counseling.

There’s news of a guy who calls himself the Joker threatening to poison the Gotham reservoir. Gordon better give a ring to his new favorite late-night vigilante…

Final Thoughts

Holy Christ, guv’nor! Absolutely, utterly fantastic!

This is the legitimately gritty, unapologetic, brutal, and emotionally uncompromising comic book story I’ve been looking for since I started this whole undertaking. Very real, no fluff character actions and consequences. A depiction of the city of Gotham that truly feels like the worn-down, crime-ridden shithole that it actually is. Interpersonal politics and non-rosy relationship conflicts. Realistic portrayals of urban government and police corruption. It’s all there, baby. It’s like The Wire if there was a guy in tights flying around town (The Wire kind of does! Omar coming, yo. RIP).

What really sells me on the whole Year One arc is that it’s not a Batman story at all! This is Jim Gordon’s story all the way through. Batman just happens to be in it! And, let’s face it, Batman is the least interesting part of Batman comics. As an added bonus, we get Catwoman’s origin story as well. At least one version of it.

As I understand it, the four-part Catwoman limited series from 1989 overlaps with the timeline of the Year One story, so my next venture out of the New 52 will be to dig into that and see what else Selena Kyle was up to behind the scenes while Gordon was doing some extramarital cop-kissin’ and Bruce was getting shot in all his limbs!

But, until then, the New 52 I will continue.


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