Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”

* Part 1 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”!

I know just a tad more about Captain America than some of the other superheroes. I know he’s played in the movies by Chris Evans who is shaped like a Dorito! I know that he should be somewhere in the 1940s but he’s somehow been transported to the current day via time travel? Frozen in ice? Wormhole? I know he throws his shield.

OK, maybe I don’t know much about Captain America. And I’m not very patriotic, so I hope there’s not a lot of NATIONALIST PROPAGANDA strewn about these pages or I will LOSE MY MIND! RAWR! Just like that.

As far as I can tell, the first four issues don’t adhere to a strict linear storyline, and then there’s a three-parter. So methinks I’ll make it through the first seven issues on this one before moving on to something else for a bit. SOUND GOOD? You don’t care. Let’s just start this shitshow!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [January, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“The Return of Steve Rogers, Captain America”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

The issue’s backpage features a recap, so here it is:

“For decades, he was the ultimate soldier in the war to preserve the American ideal, yet he never saw himself as anything greater than a man. And so he fought the good fight until the day he gave his life for his country. On that day, he became something greater than a man. He became an icon. Now he is back, but can even Captain America live up to the role the world has thrust upon him?”

OK, so that’s not much of a recap at all. Now he is back? Back from what, exactly? Back from his vacation in Rome? Does Captain America love America so much that he never leaves the country? Where does he vacation? Casper, Wyoming?

OK, we begin the story in Japan. Some of Japan’s culture, especially the Ginza Strip, is slowly westernizing with the inclusion of fast food restaurants and Levi’s stores. Many residents are embracing this westernization, but some…not so much.

An obnoxious novelty restaurant called “Uncle Sammy’s” has been invaded by an extremist group called Strikeforce Ukiyoe, which aims to “deliver Japan back to the Japanese on a river of blood”. One guy has a semi-automatic weapon aimed at some poor waitress’ temple. She’s garbed in all sorts of stupid USA shit: Uncle Sam hat, flag earrings, cowboy boots. Only red, white, and blue colors. She looks like your average Trump supporter at a rally! “…all that we have achieved will be but a memory…unless we take decisive action to purify our land! Unless we make a brutal example of those sorry fools who celebrate westernization!” yells Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

The arrangement of these three colors on this piece of cloth offends my sensibilities! Eat flame!

Before one of them can burn the oh-so-sacred American flag, a goddamned red, white, and blue round shield with a star in the middle clobbers this guy in the face. The shield is going nuts, bouncing this way and that! It’s like it has a mind of its very own! Just cold-cocking these bad guys one by one! Incredible!

Captain America himself retrieves the torch before it can fall to the ground. He holds it triumphantly in a full-page spread like some kind of American asshole. “Don’t even think about it.” he warns. Ooooh, chills!

The guy yelling with the gun is still standing. “Stay back! This isn’t your battle” the guy stammers nervously. He’s nervous because he knows he’s going to be eating his own butt in about four seconds. Patrons of the restaurant start swarming Captain America with awe and wonder, which distracts him. He tells them all to stand aside, but it’s no use. Mr. Japanese Fascist Guy skips out of there, threatening to kill him later tonight. The patrons ask for autographs, all in disbelief about his presence. “Thought you were gone for eternity!” one tells him. Satisfied with completing his job, I GUESS, Captain America skips out as well.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’m supposed to be a man of the people! But fuck these people, they always just get in the way!

Aha, a splash page showing a real recap!

“Steve Rogers, patriot of the second world war, denied a chance to serve his country until a unique military experiment maximized his physical structure, turning him into a super-solider. Frozen in suspended animation at war’s-end, he awoke in the modern world a man out of time…but never out of courage. He is…CAPTAIN AMERICA”

And there you go. A “recap” of his origin story. AND NOW HE’S BACK. (?)

Captain America is ultra-pissed that those fucking urchins in the restaurant blocked him from his enemy! The superhero sticks out like a sore thumb in his stupid costume among the crowded street while he looks for him. He tries to warn the police, but not only do they likely not understand his English, they start fawning over the guy as well. In Japanese, they mention to each other an event happening “tonight”, perhaps some sort of theatrical performance, and they assume that Captain America is just some nerd in a costume. Confused, the Cap’n moves on. Looking around the city and seeing all the evidence of American culture, Cap’n can understand why some people would be so mad.

More recap: Captain America doesn’t know why he’s in Tokyo in the first place. All he remembers is fighting some villain named Onslaught with the other Avengers in Central Park, which might have been yesterday. Next thing he knows, he’s next to a restaurant that’s being attacked by America-hating dudes in karate outfits with big guns! Very strange. And all his memories are quite fuzzy. He’s not even sure what day it is.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

BUHHHH, DAAAHHH, BUT I’M DA REAL CAP-I-TAN.

Cap’n approaches a newspaper stand and asks the guys there if they have more info about Strikeforce Ukiyoe. The guys just laugh to themselves about the Captain’s costume. Cap’n is getting buttfrustrated! He peeks at a magazine cover, and I guess he can understand enough Japanese to finally make some sense of what’s going on. Or perhaps it’s just an image of, like, Captain America sucking off Bucky Barnes! WE THE AUDIENCE DON’T GET TO KNOW YET! We have to keep reading. What a scam!

After Captain America walks away, the Newsboys catch a news report on their TV. Members of the Avengers are announcing their victory over Onslaught, but three heroes are unaccounted for: Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America. MYSTERY! INTRIGUE! SUCKING OFF BUCKY BARNES!

Meanwhile, elsewhere, but still somewhere in Japan, some unknown individual is talking to some guy named Osamu about their greatest influence: Masao Hashikura, a writer who fucking hated western culture so much that he assembled his own army called the Haru Society. The army constituted a piddly five members. The Haru Society once held a rally at the Tokyo Military HQ and Hashikura gave a rousing post-WWII anti-westernization speech! And then they, and the entire audience, committed protest suicide! “What a beautiful story.” says the unknown individual who still hasn’t been shown on-panel yet as he’s probably some snot-nosed weeaboo.

Ahh, it’s some demon woman thing! Lady Deathstrike. An ancient spirit possessed her, and now her only goal is to preserve Japanese culture come hell or high water! A footnote tells me I need to go read Wolverine, Issue #114 for the full story on that, but I’m not going to fucking do that! I can’t believe this is the first time in over 50 comic books that I was directed to read some other series for context. It will certainly not be the last from what I’ve heard.

Deathstrike also remembers that, at Hashikura’s rally, one individual did not kill himself with honor! And that man’s name was…*points to Osamu*…Rick Moranis!

I mean, Osamu.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

If creating my terrorist organization isn’t a good enough apology for you, then NOTHING will be a good enough apology for you!

Osamu is simply SHOCKED at this accusation! Osamu was one of the guys trying to gun down Uncle Sammy’s, by the way. He starts gibbering, blithering, blubbering, flubbering, and snubbering, saying that he has been filled with great shame since that day. Just full to the brim with all that shame, ma’am. That’s why I, Osamu bin Laden, created a terrorist organization! To atone! I swear it on my complete lack of honor! But then, grrrrr, then that piece of shit Captain Stinkypants America had to show up! Grrrr, am I right?

Deathstrike doesn’t believe him. Captain Crunch is supposed to be dead or something! And Strikeforce Unagi wants him dead, and even the police don’t believe he’s still alive. They think he’s just some costumed jerk walking around, which is true anyway. But the big confusion is that this whole Captain America vs. Dragonforce Ukiyoe thing is some theatrical production happening for the public’s entertainment.

Deathstrike lunges her hand at Omasu’s neck with her giant weird claw fingers and tells him to figure it the fuck out before she loses her shit. If the police think everything’s a big game, then Forcestrike Ukiyoe should be able to whack this superhero in plain sight, right? So get going! Omasu begs for Deathstrike’s help to distract Captain America on their behalf, since, admittedly, Omasu’s wacky team of wacky nationalists are no match for him. Deathstrike sees this as another Coward’s Gambit, as it were. I just made that phrase up!

*Googles “Coward’s Gambit”, sees 340 results* …well fuck.

Omasu backpedals. “No! I will not run! I will face my fear!…I am ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for the cause!” So Deathstrike tells him to put his money where his mouth is. If he becomes a martyr: cool. If he runs away again: she’ll kill him. He dies either way! What a fun dichotomy of choices. I’m looking forward to seeing how that mess will play out.

It took him all day, but Captain America found a clothing store that accepts his fistful of good ol’ genuine American dollars! No yen for this guy! Aiming to be inconspicuous, he changes into a conspicuous trench coat, becoming STEVE ROGERS! DUN-DUH-DUH-DUUUNNNNN! For the first time all day, he notices a 30-foot statue of his likeness in the middle of the crowded city square.

The Good Cap’n lets us know that, per the magazine cover, a Captain America movie was made without his knowledge. Somehow. Also, kiosks and stores everywhere are selling Captain America knick-knacks and action figures, which makes Rogers sad. And now he’s caught in the middle of this Japanese culture war just because a movie about him is premiering in Tokyo. Not only that, but a museum was knocked down to build a movie theater! HISTORY IS GETTING DESTROYED! MAKE JAPAN GREAT AGAIN!

A reporter asks Rogers his opinion of westernization as an America. Rogers says that it is quite jarring to see shit like Starbucks in Tokyo (ha!), but on the other hand, it’s not like America invaded Japan or anything. The country was willing to invite westernization. In short, he’s torn. As he walks away from the reporter, he spots Osamu ahead of him in the crowd and tells the reporter to call the police.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

They put a bitterant in the cans, but that doesn’t stop me from a-huffin’!

It sounds like there’s going to be a movie theater massacre for a superhero movie, which is eerily prescient here in 1998. Members of Strikeforce Ualuealuealeuale, also in trench coats, are purchasing tickets.

The theater is packed with rabid Captain America fans! A movie about Captain America?! What a silly notion! In the back of the room, Strikeforce Umbrella Academy is preparing by locking the exits and getting their weapons and nerve gas canisters ready. However, before they can even throw so much as a stink bomb, Captain America shows up in the flesh! And he uppercuts a sucka! WOO! USA! USA! Show no mercy, you American bastard.

The fight continues right in front of the movie screen. Theatergoers are relishing the live performance! What fun!

“How dare you terrorize the country? What gives you the right to endanger innocent lives?” Captain USofA demands as he reigns blows on these bitches. “Ask her…” one says, and suddenly Deathstrike appears and attempts to claw at Captain America’s face! His fucking face! Ohh, he’s mad now!

They start fight-talkin’, but, crazily enough, neither party seems to understand each other! He starts mumbling to himself about not intending to make a scene, like he didn’t fucking know what would happen when he leaped out in costume and started punching people. The theatergoers start realizing that none of this is an act, and they start panicking. Like this: AAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHH!!! Like that.

Captain America has a dumb plan. He’s going to try to trick Deathstrike into slashing the chains on the exit doors with her super cutty fingers! She picks up on this plan right away, though, because it was a dumb plan. She wags a long, sharp finger at him as if she were scolding a giant man-child.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

How many more years have you gonna wreck my life…

It seems, though, that she was tricked into cutting off most of the gas canister relays. Two are left. Omasu nervously tries to work fast. The movie narrates the live fight, isn’t that amusing? “Very well, Captain, I surrender…” Deathstrike begins “…only when I am beyond the grave!” Psych! Innocents in the movie theater cry out in fear!

All right, this is taking forever. They keep fighting. The movie announces that Captain America disappeared after the fight with Onslaught “late last year”, which distracts Cap’n long enough for Deathstrike to kick him right in the head. Osamu has his finger on the nerve gas release button; if he dies and removes his finger, it’s Gas City! So now what?

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Go to hell, flag fucker.

So now Captain America tries reasoning with these maniacs. “You say you revere your cultural heritage, and yet you speak English fluently” he yells at Omasu. Captain America says that Omasu claims to possess the kamikaze spirit, but his experience shows that real warriors have the fire in their eyes. Omasu has no fire. Osamu stammers and gibbers again at this. Captain America makes his way up to the scaffolds in the theater to where Osamu is standing. Osamu gets on his knees, admitting that he does not have the strength to fight and die for his cause.

In the aftermath, Captain America talks to the press. Everyone was saved, and Deathstrike had mysteriously vanished. The reporter says that now Captain America has been elevated from hero to idol. “What impact will this have on the man behind the mask?” he says as Captain America stares at the huge statue of him, slightly unnerved.

In Istanbul, a news report that Captain America is alive in Japan completely irritates a woman named Renny. She’s kicking a group of asses in a restaurant. She seems like a bad person! We’ll see.

In Wisconsin, some villain in a green and purple suit with a shiny blue mask named Kang the Conqueror has a chilling surprise planned for the newly revived hero.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I know, this was a particularly long write-up. But hey, this was a particularly long issue! Over 50 pages! You gotta do your due diligence.

Steve Rogers seems like a man devoid of a personality higher than one dimension! Let’s hope this changes, I don’t need a guy all about America just because it’s America! I already see enough of that in my day-to-day.

Sayonara!


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[2021 Overflow] Veilburner, Backxwash, and Poppy

Welcome to 2022. January is odds-and-ends month, so while I wait for a fresh pile of new music to come out I’m going to spend the next four Wednesdays wrapping up 2021 with twelve more records that deserve their days in the spotlight. Today’s 2021 Overflow features albums from Veilburner, Backxwash, and Poppy.

Veilburner – Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull
(September 24, 2021)

Veilburner - Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull

Veilburner’s fifth album cracked my 2021 Top 25 with a coveted spot at #22, and most of the problem here was that I was a latecomer to this magnificent slab of ghoulish, unearthly extreme metal. No doubt it would be higher on my year-end list had I been able to spend more time with it.

I’m constantly on the lookout for new or undiscovered metal of the “extremely weird” variety, and the definition of “extremely weird” can be malleable. Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull is the clear winner in 2021 with its atmospheric cross between a nightmare alien planet and Hell itself. The ambitious opening track alone, “In the Tomb of Dreaming Limbo”, hits much of what’s great about this whole project. Snarling, echoed demon vocals. Standard speed metal solo guitar that breaks down (with acid, probably) and bends into impossible psychedelic chords and intervals. Spidery industrial, off-key synths that dance evilly around the frenetic drumming. All tightly arranged and perfected in order to give the listener an audio soundtrack to descending into insanity. The concept is literally a man struggling with a terrifying mental illness! Ain’t that neat?!

What makes it for me is that, underneath all the madness, the visceral moods shine through. There’s piety in the clean vocal chants near the end of “Cursed, Disfigured, Amen!”. The title track buzzes with villainous jubilation. The murky plodding of “Para-Opaque” reminds me of Elvis Presley if his music was eviscerated by the Residents during a fentanyl near-overdose.

And yet, I keep coming back for the warped, feverish effects splashed across every note, every riff, to the point where I feel like I’m stumbling dizzy through some haunted carnival house of mirrors. There’s so much more to say, but I’ll leave it at that for now. It’s very good album.

Early Verdict:

Backxwash – I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES
(June 20, 2021)

Backxwash - I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES

Backxwash’s fantastic third studio album rests comfortably at my year-end list’s #13, and is my overall favorite hip hop album of the year. I tend to like my hip hop gritty, theatrically angry, and with aggression to match. These days, the industrial hip hop acts fit the bill nicely. Death Grips, clipping., a little JPEGMAFIA, a little dälek here and there, and, of course, Zambian-Canadian rapper Ashanti Mutinta as featured in this very review capsule thingy!

I was intrigued by her 2020 album, but I never got a chance to hear it. Rectified in 2021, I thoroughly enjoyed her whole LP discography and eagerly welcome every future offering from this possibly prolific artist. I LIE HERE BURED… opens with a looped sample of a doctor describing the purpose of pain (“It’s in this sense that a little bit of pain is a good thing.“), repeated enough to bring absurdity to the words. Well, it’s pain you’re gonna get! A whole earful. Distorted shouting and chopped heavy metal riffs commence at a rumbling, apocalyptic pace. Mutinta lays it all bare, track after track, for 33 minutes.

I can only imagine the plight of a transgender woman raised in a Christian Zambian community. Obviously. But if Backxwash’s music is intended to be a sonic recreation of that personal emotional heft, then man…it’s probably a pretty good sonic recreation.

Early Verdict:

Poppy – Flux
(September 24, 2021)

Poppy - Flux

No, Poppy didn’t reach the heights of my Top 25 for 2021, but she snagged the #3 spot on my Top 20 for 2020. And rightfully so, as 2020’s I Disagree was a formidable marriage of grunge, metal, industrial rock…and also the occasional extramarital flirting with J-pop but shhh don’t tell.

So I went into Flux with much anticipation. At its core, I Disagree was a successful experiment wherein anything artificial and/or overproduced was consistent with the Youtube star’s cultivated character, so maybe I expected something totally wild this time. Tuvan throat-singing over Trent Reznor-style aggro-turbulence? A 50-minute drone metal workout? Hardly. It’s a little bit of a step back this go around, but for the first time it feels like we’re getting more Poppy the Person and less Poppy the Weird Uncanny Valley Alien Satirical Youtube Character.

And why do I think that? I don’t know, the songs feel warmer on Flux. They feel like they weren’t created in a laboratory to stringent specifications. And, hey, this lady’s got talent after all, huh? Most of these nine songs are muscular earworms, borrowing elements from a wide range of rock styles. Personal highlights include “Lessen the Damage”, which explores the poppier side of Sleater-Kinney riot grrl punk, and “Hysteria”, a straightforward surf pop song with the kind of introspective storytelling you’d get from Phoebe Bridgers of Faye Webster.

On a surface level, Poppy’s music skirts the fine line between artistic expression and soulless commercialism, so a little bit of backstory on the evolution of the Poppy persona is required to appreciate the fact that, yes, it IS artistic expression. Fully. And maybe that helps my enjoyment of her music, but I can’t complain too hard if the hooks are there!

Early Verdict:


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Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 – “Friend in Need”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Year One storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 – “Friend in Need”! The fourth and final chapter of one of the most universally acclaimed Batman stories. In the previous installment, after Gordon witnesses Batman save an old woman’s life, and then the subsequent battle between Bat and SWAT, Gordon is having second thoughts about his opinion of the caped vigilante. Meanwhile, with Gotham’s entire police force against him, Batman realizes he needs an ally on the inside…

Other big things: this particular story shows the origin of the whore-turned-masked-somethingorother Catwoman, and also Gordon is cheating on his pregnant wife with his sexy, blonde cop partner! I RECKON EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT FINE HERE.

Onward.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407 [May, 1987]
Written by: Frank Miller
“Friend in Need”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

September 2. This is about two and a half months after Gordon and Essen sucked each other’s faces in the rain. They’re sitting in the same little diner that they sit in every night together after their shift is over. Gordon looks Sad Mustache. It appears that they’re both sadly breaking things off. Good to do it now before Barbara breaks something else off, Jim, knowwhati’msayin’?

A news report shows Gordon’s successful bust of narcotics dealer JEFFERSON SKEEVERS, which is a great name to give your kid if you want him slinging drugs around! Looks like Gordon’s doing good things for the city of Gotham! Spoiler Alert: He sticks around!

I’d like to point out at this point, if I may, that I’m way more fucking interested in the Jim Gordon side of this storyline than the Bruce Wayne side. Bruce Wayne can go suck a barrel full of lemons! In fact, every character around Batman is way more interesting than Batman. Where’s my 400-issue Albert spinoff? HUH? ANSWER ME!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Snoggin’ dat ass.

September 7. Whoops! Well, I was wrong earlier, those two lovebirds are still going at it like a couple of, well, like a couple of lovebirds! Heh.

As the two of them chew on each other’s lips in Gordon’s office, Gordon’s inner monologue goes nuts, talking about how in love he is with her. About how she requested a transfer out of Gotham City. He seems to be mulling over whether or not he will accept the request.

Another news report shows bail set for Jefferson Skeevers by a district court judge, a decision that Assistant DA Harvey Dent had agreed with…

September 10. Gordon’s getting feisty in Harvey Dent’s office! “HWAH HWAH BLAH BALHRB ABLAHB” Gordon argues his point! “I understand how you feel, Lieutenant” Dent responds, smilingly.

September 11. THE PLANES HIT THE TWIN TOWERS! Lol. No, something else is happening to a building right now: Batman is climbing up the apartment complex where Jefferson Skeevers is snorting lines while his lawyer berates him. “I want you in a blue suit at the inquest. With a tie. Make it black. Same for the shoes. None of that pimp stuff.” Skeevers’ lawyer tells him as he’s huffing nose candy at the coffee table. She leaves him there and locks the door. Now is Batman’s time to shine, baby!

A giant crash brings his lawyer back to the door. “–Skeevers. Are you all right?” she asks.

“Better lay off that coke. Bad on the nerves.” she says and walks away again.

“You can never escape me. Bullets don’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. Sometimes I share it. With someone like you.” This is Batman talking, and then the scene fades to black. Skeevers is gonna get some Gotham Justice courtesy of the Justice…Guy.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Are you SKEEVED out yet?

September 12. Hunched over in a trench coat and a hat, Skeevers is in Gordon’s office asking for a plea bargain. He’s willing to talk about Flass, about Loeb, about whoever he needs to talk about. Gordon sends for Dent.

A news report shows Flass getting indicted for cooperating with Skeever’s drug operation. Fuck that guy!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

D’oh! How did I miss that giant 1987 surveillance camera that was nine inches away from us?!

September 13. No more Mr. Nice Bowtie! Commissioner Loeb has a few choice words for the Lieutenant. Perhaps he’s going to start really boxing his ears! You don’t fuck with Flass, Gordon! He’s a buddy!

“Friendship, Gordon. Loyalty. These words still count for something in Gotham City.” Loeb scolds the man. Gordon stands his ground, though, says this is exactly the kind of thing Loeb brought him in for. “You get good press, I’ll give you that.” Loeb starts with a sinister glint in his pasty, prickly, pudding face. “But they don’t know you. No they don’t. Not the way we know you…”

And now Gordon’s eyes are bloodshot at seeing the dirt laid out in front of him. Start playing nice, Gordo, or it’s curtains for your crumbling marriage!

September 25. Gordon is cooperating with Loeb on hunting down Batman. We see Gordon and his wife enter Wayne Manor. A blonde woman wearing a pink nightshirt and holding a bottle of liquor is slumped in a loveseat in Bruce’s study. The Gordons are told that Bruce has a hangover this morning, but he will be down to talk shortly. They are welcome to wait in his study until then. Barbara is quite frowny.

Bruce Wayne, in a robe, pours a drink while cozying up next to his little floozy. “It is Batman you want to talk about, isn’t it? About my being him?” Bruce says casually. Gordon starts asking him about his whereabouts on certain dates in the last few months…

Later, once they start driving away, the Gordons discuss their, uh, pleasant stay at Michael Keaton’s Manor. Jim starts to see the parallels between him and Bruce Wayne going to great lengths to keep their respective closely-guarded secrets. Jim stops the car. “Honey, there’s something we have to talk about…” he begins. Uh oh!

Back at the manor, Bruce is looking out the window, wary of Gordon’s ten-minute stop before starting to drive again. “Alfred, how did you like my performance?” Bruce asks his faithful, to a fault, servant. “Hmf. I suppose you’ll take up flying next. Like that fellow in Metropolis.” Alfred responds, breaking the fourth wall a tad for the amusement of the readers! Ho ho! Oh, Alfred, you slay me, sir!

October 2. Flass is in hot water! I big tall Flass of hot water! He’s facing ten years in prison for his association with Jefferson “Big Sniffy” Skeevers! “That’s if Skeevers is alive enough to testify.” Flass says to Dent while his sweating lawyer gibbers.

October 5. Gordon got to her before Loeb could. No more leverage.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Yes, sir. Penis in vagina. I know how it works.

October 7. Jefferson “Skeevy McGee” Skeevers is poisoned, but his stomach is pumped before he dies.

October 10. Dent seems amused while Gordon insists that Skeevy will testify no matter what. He got poisoned, so what! His lawyer quit on him, so what! So the city is working their ass off to try to scare the drug guy, so what!

October 12. Big day all around! James Gordon Jr. is born! Commissioner Loeb’s $40,000 collection of shitty trinkets has been burglarized!

November 2. CAT burglarized, that is! By a CAT! A CAT-like Woman, you might say! The TV in the background of Selina and Holly’s, uh, dwelling, indicates that Batman is the prime suspect of the burglary. Meanwhile, Selina is ripping a head off a Charlie Brown figurine wondering what the hell she’s going to do with all this trash. “Thought he’d have jewels, or paintings” she mumbles. The news report only adds insult to injury, giving credit to the fucking Batman?! Please, this shit takes finesse.

She gets an idea to leave a calling card for the next victim: a single scratch across the cheek. They wouldn’t think it was Batman then. Perhaps she’ll target the Roman next, who was hogtied and ransacked himself only two issues ago! “Where’d I put that damn costume…” she says as she kicks around the Loeb clutter.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Oh my! Not the dreaded Womggahhh!

Elsewhere in the city, Batman is soaring across the night sky in his makeshift Batman hang glider. Let me look up the name of it…ah, the Bat-Glider. Very creative! What a coincidence, he’s heading over to the Roman as well. The Roman literally operates out of a Roman Pantheon temple structure on top of a large city building, complete with bathhouses and everything. How very subtle. The Roman is doing mafia things that don’t seem critical to the story while Batman stalks the roof.

Suddenly, a hissing woman garbed in cat pajamas claws a guard’s face outside the front of the Pantheon. As he’s doubled over crying, the Roman runs out and demands her alive and in pain. “Batman. You work for the Batman.” he yells at her. Meanwhile, Batman is still laying low on the Pantheon roof, dumbstruck.

As the Roman’s men advances on Catwoman, batarangs out of nowhere lodge themselves in the various vital organs and glands of his men, rendering them unconscious? Dead? Only the clawed-face guy is left conscious at any rate. Catwoman smiles in the direction of her unseen accomplice and continues her burglary.

November 3. Bruce is listening to a recording he made of the Roman doing mafia things that don’t seem critical to the story still maybe? He’s doing one-handed push-ups in his underwear less than a foot away from where Alfred is sitting and reading the newspaper. Alfred doesn’t seem to be…entirely…aroused… Bruce is speaking out loud about what to do about the Roman.

That evening, Selina watches the news report about the incident with the Roman. The anchor calls her “a woman with claws, presumably Batman’s assistant.” We’re one step closer! But, obviously, Selina doesn’t like that either.

OK, so the mafia stuff was critical to the story! I know when I can stand corrected, make no mistake. The Roman is working with Loeb to put a hit out on Lieutenant Gordon’s family. On a night Gordon is off-duty, the commissioner calls him in for some piddly low-ranking officer shit. Loeb then lets the Roman know that Gordon has left his apartment.

Shortly after leaving his apartment building’s parking garage, Gordon watches a man on a motorcycle, whom he doesn’t recognize, enter the garage. Gordon starts putting some of the pieces together, does a u-ey and guns it back to his pad.

Stealthily, he stakes out the parking garage, gun out. “I’m ready for you, bitch. Cunt bitch.” he mutters! Ha! That’s my own writing! The crying of his newborn son gives away the location of the Roman’s mafia lapdog holding the baby in a car with a knife brandished. “Drop the gun, Lieutenant. Go to the office. Wait for our call.” Mr. Mafia says coldly. More goons are pushing Barbara into the car. If I let them go, they’re dead- Gordon thinks as two men have their guns trained on our favorite Ginger Mustachioed Do-Gooder. He aims and fires to kill.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Not only does he have a gun, but he’s got BULLETS! We didn’t plan for this!

Looks like he takes one out before catching a bullet in the shoulder. The two men who are already in the car are taken by surprise at Gordon’s reaction and attempt to peel out of the parking garage. He takes out the motorcycle driver as he tries to leave on his bike. Gordon instructs Barbara, who was still out of the car, to call the police. He hops onto the motorcycle and chases after the car, which still contains his newborn son.

There’s a man lying down in the parking lot. Barbara has a gun aimed at him and threatens to kill, but the man insists that he’s not here to hurt her son. It’s revealed to us that it’s Bruce Wayne, and why he’s there and how he knew to be there right at that time confuses and bewilders me! But he’s there, and he hops on a bicycle to chase after the motorcycle which is chasing after the car! Oh my!

Gordon shoots a tire out while the car is crossing a suspended bridge. The out-of-control car plunges into the railing into a ear-splitting cacophony of crunching metal and breaking glass. The driver is dead. Gordon hops off and books it to the car. He can’t hear his son crying.

The guy with the Moe Howard haircut opens his passenger door into Gordon, knocking him back. The baby is still alive. Moe Howard pushes Gordon against the rail of the bridge, and Gordon is giving everything he has to keep Moe’s knife arm away. Holy shit, dude, the baby is dropped over the side.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #407

Who’s that Pokemon?! It’s Tentacool! Plus a man holding a baby.

The last thing Gordon sees is his newborn baby plummeting toward the water. What he doesn’t see is Bruce Wayne launching down from the suspension cables to grab the baby mid-drop. As this is happening, the Stooge and Gordon are both knocked over the side.

Barbara runs up to the side of the bridge to see the damage. Bruce triumphantly holds up the unhurt, but crying miserably, baby. Gordon is also unhurt, but exhausted. Barbara is beside herself with anxious relief. Stooge lies unconscious, but face-up in the shallow water.

December 3. At Flass’ court hearing, he brings to evidence a book of notes he had taken with every meeting he had with Commissioner Loeb. Very diligent notes. It took him two weeks and five days to…ahem…remember where had left his notebook.

Commissioner Loeb is preparing the terms of his resignation. It is unlikely he will serve jail time. They’re lining up a replacement immediately.

All this media attention puts Gordon in the spotlight. He gets promoted to Captain.

Sarah Essen is in New York City. Gordon wishes her well.

Jim Gordon and Barbara are making some progress in marriage counseling.

There’s news of a guy who calls himself the Joker threatening to poison the Gotham reservoir. Gordon better give a ring to his new favorite late-night vigilante…

Final Thoughts

Holy Christ, guv’nor! Absolutely, utterly fantastic!

This is the legitimately gritty, unapologetic, brutal, and emotionally uncompromising comic book story I’ve been looking for since I started this whole undertaking. Very real, no fluff character actions and consequences. A depiction of the city of Gotham that truly feels like the worn-down, crime-ridden shithole that it actually is. Interpersonal politics and non-rosy relationship conflicts. Realistic portrayals of urban government and police corruption. It’s all there, baby. It’s like The Wire if there was a guy in tights flying around town (The Wire kind of does! Omar coming, yo. RIP).

What really sells me on the whole Year One arc is that it’s not a Batman story at all! This is Jim Gordon’s story all the way through. Batman just happens to be in it! And, let’s face it, Batman is the least interesting part of Batman comics. As an added bonus, we get Catwoman’s origin story as well. At least one version of it.

As I understand it, the four-part Catwoman limited series from 1989 overlaps with the timeline of the Year One story, so my next venture out of the New 52 will be to dig into that and see what else Selena Kyle was up to behind the scenes while Gordon was doing some extramarital cop-kissin’ and Bruce was getting shot in all his limbs!

But, until then, the New 52 I will continue.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Confessions”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Learning Curve storyline *

Oh man, Happy New Year. 2022, same old shit! Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Confessions”! A new year for us, a new beginning for Spider-Man. This is the conclusion to the Learning Curve storyline. In the previous installment, a fight breaks out once Fisk’s goons catch Spidey trespassing on the property again. Making short work of all of them, Spidey is on his way out with a backpack full of stolen security footage when Fisk himself (the Final Boss!) shows up. Spidey, again, is victorious.

After snapping the disc containing the video of his unmasking, he sends a DVD of the footage of Fisk crushing Mr. Big’s head into the Daily Bugle office. Ben Urich runs the story. We end with Fisk hiding out in some unknown remote location with his nervous, sweating lawyer promising that he’ll fix it.

Oh yeah, Parker invited MJ over after school the next day. He’s got something to show her! And, to her disappointment, it’s certainly not going to be his dick! Let’s watch that fiasco unfold.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13 [November, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Confessions”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Yep, the cover art gives it away.

Parker and MJ are both sitting on his bed. She seems happily antsy, he seems apprehensive and unsure. “Yeah. So, I, uh…I have something to tell you. Something–whoo boy–something big. And…and you…you can’t tell anyone. Ever. EV-ER. You gotta promise me. I mean it, you’ve got to promise me.” Parker stammers all this out, and MJ eagerly says “Okay.” in between each sentence. I think she really, really thinks he’s going to show his dick! I think she really thinks this!

“I’m Spider-Man” he finally tells her. She is taken aback.

And then she bursts out laughing. She laughs so hard she falls off the bed.

And poor Peter, this probably would’ve happened anyway if he showed his dick! Shoulda just showed his dick.

He tells her to pipe down, but she loudly continues her disbelief. So, he whips out his Climb-On-The-Walls gambit. She freezes in shock. He’s all smiley about it. She doesn’t blink. He flips up onto the ceiling. She keeps her eyes glued to him. “You okay?” he asks.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Aaahhh! Stomp it! Squish it! Look at him! He’s an 84-pound puberty boy! Keep it away from me!

She is not okay. She is very loudly not okay. He approaches her to shush her, and she backs herself up against a dresser, terrified.

“What’s going on up there? I don’t want any hanky-panky up there.” yells Aunt May from downstairs. Don’t worry, Aunt May, there’s no hanky…nor is there any panky! Not for another 30 years at least for Peter Parker!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Easy there, MJ. The kid still has problems wiping himself.

MJ has come back to her senses and is back to being delighted. “Peter! You’re a superhero?” she asks with a twinkle in her devilish green eye! He explains his origin story. The spider, the screaming…that’s about it I guess! Spider-Man’s origin story, unlike most superheroes, can be covered in one or two panels. MJ is giddy with joy about this, and she thinks for the splittest of seconds that she was almost bitten by that spider as well. She fawns for another couple of pages, asks him to swing her around the city (“No.” “Please?” “No.” “Come on!” “No.”), and asks him to tell everyone anyway (“Everybody — they love you!”). He, again, tells her to keep quiet, and lays out his reasons for keeping the secret.

She finally calms down and understands. The Kingpin could go after him and his family, the press are all over him, the labs or the government might take him away for research, he might get bludgeoned to death by very large men, yada yada yada. We’ve all been there.

So she asks him why he told her. And he says it’s because of all those times he lied and stood her up over the last six issues! All that running away and not showing up. “You deserve better than that.”

And then there’s some aw-shucks teenage back-and-forth stuff. She knocks him on the forehead and calls him a goofball. “And to think I thought you were just going to kiss me.” MJ says, grinning. And now it’s Parker’s turn to go all “GUH BUH HUH WHAT”, and MJ is all like “eep”. Parker starts putting on the ol’ charm at this point, and they both lean in slowly in the universal mutual act of Don’t-Worry-I-Won’t-Report-This-As-Harassment…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

MJ’s totally gonna ream this guy. She’s gonna fill him up.

…then the oldest trope in the book happens. Aunt May knocks on the door AT THAT MOMENT and tells Peter that he has a phone call!

AHHHH! WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T YOU? WILL YOU? WON’T YOU? WILL I? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL WE? WON’T YOU? WILL I? WON’T THEY? GAH!

It’s MJ’s mom. “I didn’t hear the phone ring.” Peter whines. “It didn’t. I called her.” Aunt May says, brow furrowed, eyes staring many a dagger at her pile of hormones she calls a nephew.

MJ’s mom tells her to come home right now and change the litter box. Aunt May still thinks they were fuckin’, no matter how many times either of them deny it. MJ leaves the room smiling while Aunt May keeps talking about how it’s irresponsible for two teenagers to be fuckin’. I mean, Karen Page got AIDS? Ha! Daredevil reference. Watch out for that, I’m gonna pepper in references from time to time to show off comic book knowledge! Karen Page! AIDS!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13

Oh yeah, like Aunt May didn’t write the book on shenanigans. She wrote the whole encyclopedia.

Peter Parker is LIVID, son! Aunt May twists the knife in harder by asking him if he even knows about the birds and/or bees, and now her face softens because he’s uncomfortable and Aunt May’s not the kind of woman who will turn down an opportunity to fuck with someone! Peter all but cowers in the corner with his hands over his ears and finally says “Uncle Ben told me”, which doesn’t satisfy the old bat! “He told you about the…” she adds, which causes more squirming from the little adolescent. Finally, she gives in and takes her leave.

“You know, your parents met in high school.” Aunt May tells Peter before closing the bedroom door.

Peter Parker plops on his bed, on top of the world.

Final Thoughts

Not a very long write-up, but not a very long issue. A very good storyline overall, and I’m looking forward to continuing with this series. I admittedly still haven’t read much yet, but this is the clear winner. I’ll make a point to circle back to this one sooner rather than later.

Peter Parker gonna get his bone on! *wolf howl*


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Tom’s Top 25 Albums of 2021

2021! What a year it’s been! Covid! Vaccines! Screech died! Betty White is still alive! Dipshit billionaires launched themselves into space!

I also listened to about a trillion new albums. Here are the 25 I liked the best right now, at this very moment in time, until I change it again in two months. See you in 2022, unless we all die.

#25 – Frost* – Day and Age

I suppose this is my Token Neo-Prog Rock Album of the Year™. Not simple enough to be boring. Not complex enough to be obnoxious. Not tacky enough to be insufferable. Not elegant enough to be…insufferable. Perfect! #25 it is!

#24 – Nick Cave & Warren Ellis – CARNAGE

Nick Cave needs no introduction, but maybe Warren Ellis does? A longtime collaborative partner for Cave on soundtrack and theatre score projects, the two of them decided to combine heads for a fucking excellent studio album. As if a regular Nick Cave album doesn’t have enough surprises, Warren Ellis adds his own arrangements of breathtaking keyboards, pump organs, strings, flutes, and percussion, mixing the sound to unearthly levels of haunting beauty. It’s good shit, man. It’s nice to see old bastards like these two who get a genuine kick out of experimenting and playing off each other’s strengths. They probably hug at the end of every studio session like real men.

#23 – Aborted – ManiaCult

Aborted had the best brutal death metal/grindcore record in 2021. For a genre governed fairly strictly by speed and aggression, ManiaCult is nuanced and varied in its presentation. It’s hard to be deliberately experimental within your limited genre confines and still manage to be swampy and gross! My hat is off to you, kind sirs.

#22 – Veilburner – Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull

More time spent with Lurkers in the Capsule of Skull would almost certainly shoot it farther up the list, since all the good metal I’m searching for in this world needs to be weird. And not, like, “we threw in a saxophone!” weird. More like “this sounds like a fever dream” weird. Veilburner is able to bend and twist their riffs into inhuman, horrific, alternate realities. Ghostly realities that have exponentially more dimensions than the one I’m used to. I’m very pleased.

#21 – Steven Wilson – THE FUTURE BITES

I’ve liked Steven Wilson for years and, in my eyes, he can really do no wrong. Even if he’s getting even more schmaltzy and obnoxious in his later years, he’s still very good at what he does: brooding pop/prog with immaculate production. Progressive rock fans hate this album because it’s not progressive enough, but they can go fuck themselves! I’ll swallow anything this man shoves down my throat!

#20 – Sunless – Ylem

I listened to Ylem for about a month straight thinking it was twisty-turny black metal, but guess what? It’s actually twisty-turny death metal! I KNOW, RIGHT?? I had accidentally sullied my cochleas with trashy, bourgeois, gutter-slop such as this. But, hey, there’s not much difference between ultra-dissonant death metal and avantgarde black metal anyway. It’s all just sounds in your brain, man, and this album is loaded with tons of crazy sounds for my brain. If you like Deathspell Omega, try it out.

#19 – Genesis Owusu – Smiling with No Teeth

This is the most diverse hip hop / R’n’B album I’ve heard all year. So diverse, in fact, that calling it a hip hop / R’n’B album is a misnomer. It’s more of a hip hop / R’n’B / new wave / nu-metal / rap rock / synthfunk / jazz / shock blues album! And even that doesn’t do it justice. Just listen to this goddamned monstrosity of an album and you’ll be smiling with no teeth soon enough with the best of them.

#18 – tUnE-yArDs – sketchy.

Oh man, remember tUnE-yArDs? They were one of the biggest indie names for about six minutes back in 2011 and then no one gave a shit anymore? I didn’t give a shit anymore either! But after listening to sketchy., it was tough to think of anyone doing anything similar this year and hitting the mark quite as well as Merrill Garbus and Nate Brenner. Groovy, jazzy, blue-eyed soul indie pop with topical sociopolitical subject matter. Also, bonus points for not wrapping up frustration and incredulity into barely-emotive laconic vocal delivery (like other nameless sociopolitical indie acts that I didn’t like as much this year). So there you go. Good job.

#17 – TORRES – Thirstier

I’ve never given TORRES too much of a thought in the past, and the one or two previous albums I had listened to before didn’t grab me, but I love her fifth album. It kind of got lost in the shuffle and forgotten among the stalwart publications this year, but I think Thirstier rivals Japanese Breakfast’s Jubilee as 2021’s most upbeat singer-songwriter record. In Mackenzie Scott’s case, though, she’s probably getting laid a lot these days. Good for her! It’s working.

#16 – Django Django – Glowing in the Dark

Surprise! No one cared at all about this album! But I liked it, and Glowing in the Dark reminded me of why I liked Django Django so much when their debut dropped in 2012: seamless, dreamlike, catchy, genre-bending desert indie rock. Django Django are one of a kind, they’re good at what they do, and this album is good too, and ok I’m done.

#15 – Amyl and the Sniffers – Comfort To Me

This was a late addition to my Top 25 list, but I spent a lot of time with Amyl and all her various Sniffers throughout December. Australian melodic punk rock with a singer who sounds like a modern Joan Jett? Yes indeed! In a year littered with “hardcore” acts that are nothing more than a bunch of whining white emo kids, feminists songs with names like “Don’t Need a Cunt (Like You to Love Me)” and “Knifey”  breathe new life into an otherwise chaff-ridden genre of loud I-don’t-give-a-shit music dominated by Twitch dorks.

#14 – Carcass – Torn Arteries

Fuck yeah, Carcass. No other death metal band has beefy riffs quite like them. BEEFY, son. Torn Arteries is so damn beefy that the heart on the album art is made out of vegetables. Peppers, mostly. There’s a cucumber slice in there. At any rate, making the heart out of meat wouldn’t have made the album any meatier. This is only the second album since their reformation in 2007, but I don’t care if their next one takes them until 2028 if it means more top-notch, quality, addictive, memorable shredding and down-to-earth hard-rockin’ attitudes from these old fucking dinosaurs. I promise I won’t say the word “beefy” again in this post.

#13 – Backxwash – I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES

Backxwash has my hip hop album of the year. What a shock, huh? clipping. had my hip hop album of 2020. I guess I like my hip hop to be enveloped in a thick coating of industrial nonsense and aggressive metal sensibilities. Also, Ashanti Mutinta is a Zambian-born transgender woman, so that’s pretty badass too. The whole 33-minute record is one tense, aggravated, moment after another, with the world-weary pain and anguish at the forefront. Hmm, that sounds familiar. I wonder if I awarded a #3 spot to a similar album. Perhaps I awarded a #3 spot to a duo who APPEARS ON THIS ALBUM TOO! WHAT! WHAT! ok, that’s enough of that.

#12 – Orchestre Tout Puissant Marcel Duchamp – We’re OK. But We’re Lost Anyway.

Completely underrated stuff. Soft shoegaze vocals over cacophonous high school marching band percussion! Spoken word satire over tribal bongos? Trance-like rhythms that skirt the line between playful and foreboding! It’s like the Orchestre de Paris got drunk at the bar 40 minutes before showtime and decided to get skronky and dark with it. If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then go pour a cup of go fuck yourself instead and I’ll take all my OTPMD records elsewhere.

#11 – The War on Drugs – I Don’t Live Here Anymore

I didn’t want to like this one as much as I did, but I do, so here we are! It’s like Adam Granduciel took everything I like about his band and then remembered, this time, to leave out almost all the stuff that I don’t like about his band! It’s a good thing that Adam and I spent a lot of months on the phone going over those details before he released I Don’t Live Here Anymore. You already probably know about this album so I’ll spare you more of my own blathering about it.

#10 – Calva Louise – Euphoric

Calva Louise stepped it up since their debut. Euphoric is an incredible combination of experimental power pop, hardcore punk, and noise rock. Built around a heady philosophical concepts of human identity and perceptions of reality, the album’s story is intertwined with a companion graphic novel and a 45-minute album film. That’s more ambitious than anything I’ve ever done in my life, and I prepared an entire astrophysics senior thesis (i.e. I procrastinated by playing a bunch of flash games instead for months).

#9 – Rivers of Nihil – The Work

BEEFY PROGRESSIVE TECHNICAL DEATH METAL! Sorry, I couldn’t resist droppin’ the B-word again. The Work takes the foundation that Rivers of Nihil has built upon for the last decade and refines it with a smorgasbord of melody-driven, well-paced technical songwriting. The music is at all times harsh and soft, fast and slow, brutal and delicate. There is an endless breadth of beauty and splendor from this challenging music, but what does this challenging music demand from you, the listener, to draw them out? THE WORK. And there you have it. *golf clap*

#8 – Squid – Bright Green Field

More than any other album in 2021, Bright Green Field grew on me tremendously. At first I was put off by the Mike Watt from Minutemen vocalist and the sparse passages of meandering minimalism tacked onto the ends of a few songs, but I’ve come to appreciate the project as a weird, unified whole! A big mess of punk, ambience, rock, some jazz, all brought together in a way that attempts to be unique and ultimately satisfying. They succeed on both counts. Thanks, Squidbama.

#7 – Andrew Hung – Devastations

Devastations was the best combination of “immediately accessible” and “endlessly rewarding” that I discovered in 2021. With its deliciously infectious retro-future dance rhythms, warm synthesizer-driven ’80s love letters, and the optimistic, out-of-this-world concepts, Andrew Hung’s second album was a slam-fucking-dunk. A truly timeless effort. More people should know about this one. If we’re never getting another Fuck Buttons record, then Hung’s solo output will do just fine.

#6 – Dry Cleaning – New Long Leg

What I liked right away about Dry Cleaning’s first album is the unprecedented combination of fuzzy, non-keyboard driven post-punk with completely deadpan female vocals. I can’t believe it really hasn’t been done before, and if it has, it hasn’t been done for a full album. The only precedent that comes to mind is Kim Gordon in Sonic Youth, but even she emotes. And that pesky Thurston Moore gets in the way! Florence Shaw doesn’t emote. Every lyric is delivered with bored exasperation. My favorite line: “If you like a girl, be nice/It’s not rocket science“. This is certainly my pick for the best album in 2021 featuring a bored robot.

#5 – Viagra Boys – Welfare Jazz

Don’t let the name fool you, these horny boys don’t really need any Viagra! Now that that’s cleared up and out of the way forever, Welfare Jazz brings to the table a scuzzy, self-deprecating brand of rock music, overflowing with parodies of machoism and toxic masculinity as far as the eye can see! The high point on an album loaded with high points is the slightly-off gothic alt-country ballad “To the Country”, which features concussive blasts of saxophone while an excessively-tattooed Sebastian Murphy sings lines like “Out on the country, we’d be real nice to each other/I wouldn’t scream and yell and ramble ’bout my problems“. Welfare Jazz is better than their debut Street Worms, and even though co-founder Benjamin Vallé died in October, I hope the band continues to press on.

#4 – Richard Dawson & Circle – Henki

I gave the Quietus shit for ranking this album at #7 on their Top 100 write-up only five days after its release, but, honestly, Henki is pretty fucking great. Just a cool, unique, interesting, and unlikely collaborative effort between a weirdo British singer-songwriter and a weirdo Finnish krautmetal collective. There’s music here that sounds fresh, familiar, important, unpretentious, and legitimately genre-defying. I can’t speak highly enough about it.

#3 – Black Dresses – Forever in Your Heart

Oh hell yeah! Black Dresses reminds me of why I like Ween so much: it’s two friends who really get each other. But while Ween is silly, Black Dresses is horribly morose, morbid, nihilistic, and angry. Still though, behind all those genuinely strained aches and pains, you can catch glimmers of Ada Rook’s and Devi McCallion’s friendship. It’s not like those fuckin’ Beatles who all hated each other! What did the Beatles ever do for music anyway?

#2 – Fucked Up – Year of the Horse

Fucked Up barreled through my rankings to nab the silver medal this year. Year of the Horse is 90 minutes of progressive rock, metal, folk, punk, spaghetti westerns, big band, and everything else, mixed perfectly with breathtaking production and vocals. Broken into four 20+ minute movements, it’s like an honest-to-God hardcore symphony. Crank up the volume and lose yourself in orgasmic bliss while Damian Abraham growls like a neutered baboon over pretty folk piano arrangements.

#1 – Black Country, New Road – For the first time

Black Country, New Road’s debut was firmly slotted at #1 on my list ever since I laid ears on this six-track, 40-minute masterpiece. I was like “fuck everything that I’m going to hear for the rest of the year, this one is it”. I know this because I said that in May and I still stand by it in December. I haven’t been this enamored with an album, let alone a debut album, for as long as I can remember. I liked it so much I wrote a full review about a week after I first listened to it. I feel like a kid again! And I’m already excited for their sophomore release in two months. These guys are such the shit, I have nothing eloquent at all to say about them! They rock my socks. Eat a whole tin of cannabis mints and listen to “Science Fair”. You’ll thank me later.


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