Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Museum Piece”

* Part 3 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Museum Piece”! In the previous installment, forget everything you read in Issue #1 because Captain America went from battling the Strikeforce Ukiyoe after being dropped in the middle of Tokyo to blowing up a submarine full of Hydra Organization goons and losing his shield in the ocean!

I can only hope that Issue #3 at least continues some threads from either of the first two stories, because if I read about Captain America plugging his dick into the Hoover Dam after space aliens threaten to turn the flooding waters into acidic space piss, then I’m mentally checking out of this non-continuity monkey business!

And if I mentally check out then I get funnier, so the jury’s still out on which the better option actually is.

All right, let’s get to it then. “Museum Piece”. Hooo boy.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [March, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Museum Piece”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

OK, at least the cover art suggests that he doesn’t have his real shield! That’s promising.

WASHINGTON D.C. “Let me get this straight,” says some four-eyes crisis negotiator named Agent McElroy, “we have to evacuate the Smithsonian since Hydra claims to have turned its museums into a gigantic deathtrap because they’re spoiling for a fight with Captain America?”

Ugh. Let’s try this again. “Let me get this straight,” says Tom from TomWritesAboutStuff.com, “I have to read another shitty issue of Captain America written shittily by shitty Mark Waid, who the Internet says is a legendary comic book writer but I’d rather read a butt tattoo over and over again instead of this?” Boo!

This isn’t Agent McElroy’s first rodeo. The footnote tells me to check out Issue #444! No thanks!

The evacuation of the Smithsonian wasn’t completely successful. A couple of RUDE BOYS were hiding out in an old horse-drawn wagon. “Looks like we got th’ place to ourselves!” says one rude boy who appears to be wearing a Donald Duck sailor hat. These rude boys ditched their school field trip, but one of them already has regrets. “Maybe we shoulda popped up when we heard ‘em clearin’ the place,” he says, but his rude boy buddy calls him a chunkhead and then they both start freely exploring the exhibits.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Bzaak, motherfuckers! Beavis and Butt-Head are here to wreak havoc!

The blonde kid hops into the moon-landing exhibit and pretends to blast the astronauts with a photon bazooka! Yeah man yeah! What these kids don’t know though, oh man here it comes, is that a Hydra guy is hiding in one of the astronaut suits! He reaches out to grab these kids menacingly! Looks like we’re gonna have a good old-fashioned child abduction! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, at the AVENGERS MANSION, some super-fast entity that just looks like a beam of light is ricocheting all over the, uh, Avengers Library Room. All the Avengers are in a tizzy! I see Thor, Metal-Headband, Red Eyes, Purple Helmet, Bug Lady, Tiger Legs, all your favorites! Captain America is there too, and man this really pisses me off, the thing is Captain America’s new shield. Thor stops it from bouncing around the room with his big Thor Hammer! “Tony, I want to thank you for making me a new shield…” he says gratefully to who I assume is Tony Stark, who looks like an Elvis impersonator. And here I was thinking that he was going to have to find a way to travel to the bottom of the ocean to recover his original, trusty Big Circle With a Star In The Middle. But no.

Captain America doesn’t like this shield though. It doesn’t have the right feel. “It was one-of-a-kind,” says Tony Stark of his old shield, “nothing new will be balanced quite the way it was. Still, hang on to that one. Maybe you can get used to it…in time…”

Oh yeah, get used to THIS!: *makes a penis entering vagina motion with fingers* Ha!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Hey Namor, get your junk a little closer to our faces, why don’t you?

It’s funny seeing this house of superheroes griping openly about Captain Fuckface. Finding his dumb shield in the ocean could take months. Some guy with a fishscale speedo called Namor has been looking for it, but he’s been fucking busy with other things. See that double asterisk? That means he’s been doing shit in Marvel Team-Up! This is according to another footnote? Perhaps his “team-up” involves a very aggressive 69-ing with Aquaman and he’s not to be disturbed with shield-related matters. Aquaman isn’t even a Marvel hero! That’s how taboo it is!

Anyway, the original shield is fucking gone, ok? Cap’n is sadface.

He walks through town getting gawked at by fans. Thanks for saving us from Onslaught! Thanks for saving us from nuclear missiles! Cap’n wants none of it. He finds this level of attention grating. Maybe he should work at Target instead of being a superhero. Comes with a territory, ingrate. As he moves down the street, he catches a news report on a TV in a shop window that declares Hydra’s intention to blow up Washington D.C. as retaliation for the Good Cap’n thwarting their cute nuclear strike in the previous issue. They want to face Captain America alone, and immediately, so he fucks off to Washington. Alone. And immediately.

We cut to Hydra headquarters! A bunch of Green Fucks are talking about Modam being dead! And I’m like “who the fuck is Modam”? That’s a dumb name! What was her dog’s name? Routar? ANYWAY, there’s a new chief in town. A new Supreme Hydra, if you will, and it’s some pink-haired mess and he wants to be called the “Sensational Hydra” instead. Then he chops one of the Lesser Hydra’s arms off while the Lesser Hydras whisper plots to each other about overthrowing this douchebag.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Expect disproportional responses ONLY when I’m in charge! Heil Hyrdra! *goosestep*

He wipes his bloody sword off on another Hydra’s sleeve and asks the shaken crew of Lesser Hydras if everything is prepared at the Smithsonian. They quiver and mumble. The Sensational Hydra is satisfied.

Captain America is leaping down the street like some super-serious no-personality dipshit. When asked what his plan is, his only response is “Stop Hydra.” OK, Captain No-Charisma.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Please, mister, we’re scared and lost and alone and we’ve pooped our respective flared OshKosh B’Gosh jeans!

He enters the Smithsonian, which is eerily quiet. Warily, he makes his way through a large room, eyes darting every which way. A bomb is suddenly dropped from an airplane hanging on the ceiling, which he dodges by MERE INCHES! “I can see this is going to be a long day.” he grumbles. That’s when he spots those Rude Boys from earlier.

The Rude Boys are scared and are pissing their pants and they want their pacifiers and their mommies and their binkies and their bottoms powdered! They are right next to an exhibit of Captain America and Fishscale Speedo beating up enemies in a trench during some sort of war. World War II? Did they use trenches in World War II? Wasn’t that more of a World War I thing? “Dude, how old are you?” asks one of the rapscallions, to which Cap’n replies “Old enough to know better.” Snap! Captain America snap! He tells the kids to follow him and stay close; Hydra is using history as a weapon. “Good one…’cause history bores me to death.” answers one of the kids in yet another example of Mark Waid’s side-splitting comic relief.

They pass by a Great Chicago Fire exhibit, which was rigged to blast a ton of heat in their direction. Next, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake exhibit, which was rigged to quake and explode under their feet. Cap’n gives props to Hydra, who “are more clever than I thought”. If “clever” means “setting up explosives everywhere” then I guess it doesn’t take much to impress Captain Numbskull.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

…or literally ANYONE else! Timothy McVeigh! The Unabomber! Is Jeffrey Dahmer still alive in 1998? How about him, I LIKE him!

Next, they enter a room of Hydra Dudes and Captain America hesitates. He’s thinking of the children, you see, even though they don’t deserve to be thought of at all! Hell, they’re disappointed in Captain America too, and they name-drop a couple of other Marvel heroes that I can consider as possible recommended reading to cleanse the palate after this load of horsefuck!

With the Hydra Butts circling the three of them and aiming their guns to kill. Cap’n has no choice but to throw his shield to disarm all of them in one boomerang motion. He succeeds in knocking out a few guns out of a few hands, but he misses the shield upon re-entry because that Tony Stark shitface can’t make a proper goddamn adamantium/vibranium shield to save his Robert Downey Shitface Jr. life! Now he’s defenseless, and one Hydra Guy prepares his automatic rifle!

Again, thinking of the children, Captain America leaps in front of the two little punks and catches a back full of bullets! He crashes to the floor and remains still.

THE END!

Wait, there’s more.

In New York City, a blonde woman named Sharon Carter, known as Agent 13, enters a barbershop that has a special secret barbershop chair that takes her to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters! When she gets there, the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are less than happy to see her. “You’re sniffin’ around for somethin’, Carter, admit it.” She doesn’t admit it. Then there’s a big fat editor’s note in the corner that says “MORE ON THIS NEXT ISSUE!”. Ok, well, fuck me then.

We’re back at the Smithsonian where Captain America is lying facedown on the floor with his big blue buttcheeks in the air. The Hydra Goons are in awe of the Famous Shield that is now in their possession! Wait’ll the Boss gets a load of this! It’s all shiny and round. Beautiful.

While Hydra Putz #2 waxes poetic about the big shiny shield, the Rude Boys attempt to run away unsuccessfully. “Captain America can’t help you now!” says Hydra Putz #4 or whatever, but Hydra Putz #9 points to a spot of blood on the floor where Crap-Ton America used to lie. He’s not there anymore, you see. He gone.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

He gone.

Hydra is MAD! They take it out on the blonde kid. Hydra Putz #41 gets all up in his face and yells at him, tells him that Captain America sucks because he doesn’t kill bad guys. Only bad guys do the killing! And he’s a bad guy pointing a gun at the kid’s forehead about to do some real gangster shit. The kid’s pants start to fill with poop. Just brimming with poop. The other kid gets a gun to his head too. Poop ensues.

“Captain you better get the FUCK out here before we blast these kids’ brains out with our big shooty guns, you blue piece of shit!” says Hydra, and I’m paraphrasing here. Captain America takes the bait, and comes back into the room with a non-round but still America-colored shield. It does the trick.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Action Shot! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

A montage of badassery fills the next page as Cap’n makes short work of these Hydra Dunces with his new museum-exhibit shield that I guess is actually made of material that can be deemed shield-like. Once they’re all taken care of, Cap’n leads the little bitch kids out of the museum.

Later, Cap’n talks to the Smithsonian bigwig. He lets me, the audience, know that the new shield is actually a replica of Cap’n’s original shield, and that he “can’t get over how familiar it felt”. As comfy and snug as his own dick, I’m sure. The Smithsonian bigwig tells him that, by all means, keep the stupid thing!

Remember the crisis negotiator from the beginning of the issue? Agent McElroy? The guy who did literally nothing to negotiate a crisis whatsoever for the duration of this situation? He and Cap’n have a quick heart-to-heart, and McElroy is floored that Cap’n knows who he is. “We should work together sometime.” says the Captain. “Wow.” says McElroy.

What a joy.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Darrr…. uhhhh… buuuuhhh…

The press surrounds Captain America and bombard him with the really tough questions. Questions like “shouldn’t Hydra be stopped?” The Captain rubs two brain cells together and realizes for the first time that, yeah, maybe they should be stopped. Captain declares WAR ON HYDRA, and will not rest until the organization is eradicated from the planet.

Back in Hydra HQ, this message is being broadcast. The Sensational Hydra isn’t paying attention; he’s too busy practice-swinging with a severed arm. That old chestnut! The Hydra lackeys are concerned, but the Sensational One has a plan:

“Bring me…Batroc.”

Final Thoughts

I have too many enemies to keep track of already. From the first issue, there’s the Strikeforce Ukiyoe, Deathstrike, Renny the woman in Istanbul, and Kang the Conqueror. In the second issue, there’s the Hydra Organization. In this issue, there’s the Sensational Hydra, Batroc, and, arguably, the rest of the Avengers because, let’s face it, Captain America is a nuisance.

I don’t have much to say yet. I’m bewildered right now as to how this might come together into a real cohesive story anytime soon. Until next time, LIVE LONG AND PROSPER nerds.


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2 – “Sinestro (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2 – “Sinestro (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we meet Sinestro right away! You know, he seems important since his name is in the title of these issues and everything. He’s from a planet called Korugar, and he just got his green ring back even though he was a total asshole in the past!

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan, the hero, I think, sounds right to me anyway, he’s some loser who got his ring confiscated! Not only that, but he got evicted from his apartment, he landed himself in jail by accidentally punching out an actor during a movie taping, and he pissed off Carol Ferris! Carol Ferris! You know, some lady!

Sinestro appears in Jordan’s apartment building and tells him to listen to everything he says in order to get his ring back.

My guess is that Jordan will listen to everything Sinestro says in order to get his ring back.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 2)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

With Sinestro on these covers, you’d think Sinestro was the real hero here! Well, he has the ring and Hal Jordan doesn’t! Apples, how do you like dem?

Jordan is standing slumped in the hallway while Sinestro impatiently awaits a response. It should be an easy one; Sinestro claims that Hal Jordan’s a fucking mess anyway even with the ring. Jordan’s mad that Sinestro, of all people, gets to have one right now. “No one gave it to you. It malfunctioned. It picked you by mistake.” Jordan tells him desperately through gritted teeth.

He’s not taking this well at all. No poise. No grace. No tact.

So, yeah, when Hal Jordan threatens the guy with the ring, the guy with the ring shoots his powerful green ring light at him. Sinestro uses his power to create a platform hovering directly over the city street, dozens of stories high. They both stand on it.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Jordan clenches, looking kind of like BJ Novak from The Office and just as intimidating. “As if that mattered.” Sinestro retorts. Guy with the ring, remember?

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Easy there, Cheekbones McGinty.

Sinestro takes this opportunity to be high-and-mighty about the sad little Earthlings. Pffft, a real bush-league planet. Back on Korugar there’s, like, chocolate waterfalls! And…uh, blowjob robots. Earth sucks! And did Hal Jordan ever use the ring to try to make his home planet a better place? Not at all! He just flew around in green airplanes like some sort of Green Lantern John Travolta!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Look at it this way, Hal, he likes you enough to keep putting a ring on it.

Sinestro conjures up a ring in midair and allows Jordan to take it, which he happily does and gears up Green-Lantern style. Sinestro tells him he’s offering him another chance, but Jordan immediately uses his new power to vanquish Sinestro with a big ol’ “adios, motherfucker!”. Sinestro blocks it with a force-field. “Are you finished?” he drawls while Jordan makes an ass of himself for the twentieth time that night. Jordan is furious! Something is wrong with the ring! HA HA! Hardly! Sinestro created it in a way that renders him immune to any of its attacks! Plus, he can turn off its power anytime he wants! Dumbass! Hal Jordan is a dumbass.

So, needless to say, Jordan is at Sinestro’s mercy. He has to do everything Sinestro says if Jordan’s going to gallivant around with a powerful eat-my-shit ring like that. And nothing can be done without Sinestro’s approval. No time for that talk now, though, something’s going on at the big city bridge! Jordan flies off, with Sinestro exasperatingly tailing him.

Some object fell from the sky and tore a giant hole on the side of an occupied suspension bridge. A car containing a family is teetering over the edge of the hole; the dad tries to push his young son out the window in the hands of a lady trying to help, but the car goes over the side with the woman trying to hang onto the dad’s arm in desperation.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

Straight out of Final Destination 23.

Jordan uses his ring to create a giant magnet to keep the car from falling, but the woman continues to plunge. At the last minute, he swoops down to catch her in his arms! She’s thankful and they give each other the ol’ fuck-me eyeballs, but then Sinestro eliminates Jordan’s powers. The woman falls again, then the car, and then the bridge continues to collapse. “TURN MY RING BACK ON!” Jordan demands, but Sinestro refuses. Jordan’s pissed! “You need to learn a lesson here, Jordan.” Sinestro tells him simply and cars cascade into the river below and people are desperately hanging onto the pavement and railings Final Destination 5 style. Sinestro then tells him to watch and learn.

Sinestro uses his own powers to not only save the woman, the car, and everyone else, but he completely repairs the bridge. Something Jordan didn’t think to do while he was eye-fucking the woman he saved! Jordan gets his powers back and they both fly away.

Sinestro tries to tell Jordan that a Green Lantern is supposed to be more than just a “costumed savior”. Jordan doesn’t want to hear it, and he still thinks Sinestro got his own ring back by less-than-savory means.

No time for that either, right now. The thing that destroyed the bridge? It’s a living creature, and now they have to fight it. It’s GORGOR, THE SQUELCHY GROSS TENTACLES THING! AND HE KNOWS THE SINESTRO BETRAYED THE YELLOW LIGHT! GWARHRHAR! HARHLGRGRLRRR! SQUISH SQUISH!

So they both fight this thing, whose only agenda is to take Sinestro back to Korugar so that he can “win the right to control the corps”. Gorgor will, not Sinestro. I’m guessing Sinestro would be dead and without any right to control anything anymore. Whoever kills Sinestro takes his place, it seems. So Sinestro is a hot commodity among squelchy yellow light tentacled beasts right now.

Sinestro remains high and mighty and he’s tired of everyone’s shit!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #2

I’M the right one! YOU’RE all WRONG! RAWR! *teeth gnashing*

He summons a giant green sword and stabs through this bastard, killing it immediately.

This is finally the part where he tells Hal Jordan that his planet has been enslaved by his own army. And they’re both going to team up to help destroy them.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know how this compares to Green Lantern Classic, but this is already pretty engaging. Maybe it helps to know absolutely nothing about the Green Lanterns, the corps, the rings, the mythology, nor anything else. Plus, if Sinestro is indeed supposed to be a villain, then he already seems multi-faceted with a non-obvious moral compass.

But hey, there’s plenty of time left for this to start sucking! Sinestro (Part 3) is right around the corner, my dudes. See you then!


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[2021 Overflow] Carcass, Empyrium, and the Hold Steady

The January overflow continues with 2021 records from Carcass, Empyrium, and the Hold Steady. Get ’em while they’re lukewarm!

Carcass – Torn Arteries
(September 17, 2021)

Carcass - Torn Arteries

When I firmly placed Torn Arteries, with conviction, into the #14 slot of my 2021 Top 25, I was wont to use the phrase “beefy” to describe the burly, robust, thick and heady musicianship from this well-seasoned, influential death metal band. Beefy beefy beefy beefy.

Carcass has been around forever, and they’ve undergone as many stylistic shifts as I’ve undergone ritual pagan colonoscopies! That is to say, about five. Speedy goregrind to technical death metal, and slowly moving into what I would consider more of a death ‘n’ roll aesthetic overtime. Seems silly to compare something like this to classic rock, but this whole record gives me strong mid-’70s-era hard rock vibes. I’m reminded of AC/DC, Alice Cooper, Deep Purple, and Aerosmith, odd as that may sound; the heavy use of obvious blues-based song structures and the bombastic give-no-fucks attitude are hard to miss. There just happen to be a lot of raspy guttural vocals as well.

The infectious energy here is what really sells me. These guys are in their 50s now; they don’t sound like a young band, but they still have the ferocious vitality of a young band. What may otherwise be cookie-cutter heavy metal tunes are constantly elevated by Bill Steer’s fierce guitar work. That, plus they’re not afraid to throw in some oddball Middle Eastern scales or tasteful synthetic handclaps here and there. That kind of shit gets bonus points from me.

Honestly, I’m still surprised I like this so much considering it really is Death Metal Lite. Ultimately, Torn Arteries feels like a familiar classic. Another worthy addition to an excellent discography.

Early Verdict:

Empyrium – Über den Sternen
(February 26, 2021)

Empyrium - Über den Sternen

My neofolk opinions have been painted negatively by the passion its musicians tend to have with fascism and Nazism. Much of the genre is rooted in ’70s industrial sensibilities, which sought to be deliberately subversive and boundary-pushing. That mentality, coupled with the folk mentality of “sticking to European history and traditions”, I guess fascism and neofolk go hand-in-hand. Much of the time, possibly in the case with Douglas Pearce and his very popular neofolk outfit Death in June, the artists are just merely intrigued by the history and may, in practice, vehemently oppose the views. Still, though. Bleh.

Most of the neofolk stuff I know is punk-adjacent. I don’t know much of the metal-adjacent stuff other than some of the lighter side of Agalloch, but unless I hit the jackpot with Empyrium and it’s all chaff from here, I’m in for a ride. Consider me converted on heavy metal-inspired neofolk. Über den Sternen is a masterpiece of traditional acoustic folk arrangements and exhilarating black/doom metal heaviness. No cheesy balladry, no dancing elves, no over-the-top power chords, and best of all, no artificial, by-the-book, stilted soullessness. Warmth! Warmth all around!

I’m glad I binged on this album during the desolate Chicago winter hellscape I currently find myself in, it’s a perfect compliment to the icy conditions some of these powerful riffs are trying to plow through. The gorgeously plaintive acoustic instrumental “Moonrise” cuts through a stark, hauntingly quiet backdrop like a smoldering knife, while tracks like “A Lucid Tower Beckons on the Hills Afar” and the “The Wild Swans” flex their frosty, punishingly cruel edges. The latter especially has some real Opethian melancholy, like crawling across a tundra for the sake of appreciating the beauty.

I’m floored. It’s a lot of what I want from the softer side of extreme music without the cheese. I can’t wait to rummage through everything else in the metal neofolk…storage…uh, hut.

Early Verdict:

The Hold Steady – Open Door Policy
(February 19, 2021)

The Hold Steady - Open Door Policy

The Hold Steady is always great. Eight albums in, these seasoned bar hound slackers bring their A game once again with a big, delicious slab of Springsteen-style heartland rock.

Notably, the lyrics to Open Door Policy were written before the pandemic, but features many themes that were made all the more relevant in the wake of the Life and Times of COVID. Technology, capitalism, societal connections, isolation. The human condition. An aging rock band has aging philosophical musings to go along with it. I’ve seen complaints over the years that the band’s focus has moved on from “hell yeah we’re going to party haha look at that drunk guy” to “oh man maybe were getting too old to keep doing this shit and I have a flight to catch at 7:30am for that business meeting with my vendor but haha look at that drunk guy”. And I’m 100% cool with that.

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter, because most of the allure of the vocals doesn’t come from the stories themselves, but from Craig Finn’s everyman storytelling style. He’s one of those guys who could be reading directions off the shampoo bottle and you’d still be rapt in attention. Here are some fun passages, the very first verse of “Spices”: “She sent a picture of a plethora of poker chips spread out on the bed between a mouth and a leg/She said ‘there’s pretty many people already but still I wish you were here’“. Or “Unpleasant Breakfast”: “You just can’t keep throwing up and then cover it with sawdust/And expect us not to notice and pretend it didn’t happen“. This is the Hold Steady charm right here.

Musically, it’s fantastic. Hard-hitting piano-driven rock music that is often way more upbeat than the lyrical matter. This time around, the band gels as a unified whole rather than merely a vehicle for Finn’s nutso poetry. I’m hoping they can continue to thrive with this worth ethic. And were those parts of “Lanyards” supposed to sound like the titles to “Chariots of Fire”? Me likey.

Early Verdict:


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Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “The Serve and Protect”

* Part 2 of 7 of the To Serve and Protect storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “To Serve and Protect”! In the previous installment, the adventure begins with Captain America plopped in the middle of Tokyo out of nowhere for no reason and he doesn’t remember anything! It’s revealed that he disappeared after a fight with Onslaught while he was with his fellow Avengers, and that was about a year prior. Iron Man and Thor are also missing, but their whereabouts are currently unknown.

To make matters worse, Captain America was plopped in the middle of Tokyo during anti-westernization-related public unrest on the night of the Captain America movie premier! GUHH!! Not good! He fights members of Strikeforce Ukiyoe, a nationalist group, as well as a villain named Deathstrike, a woman with Wolverine claws who was possessed by an ancient spirit?? Don’t ask. I didn’t.

And now some other costume-clad villain motherfucker is going to start messing with Captain America’s shit. Kang the Conqueror! America has a lot of enemies. Makes sense.

Ready to see what happens next? Are ya? Are ya?!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [February, 1998]
Written by: Mark Waid
“To Serve and Protect”

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America is on the deck of a naval ship. Some dipshit in a green suit is holding a knife against the throat of some nerd four-eyes scientist. “Let me pass or the hostage dies!” says the Green Suit Dipshit. “You may have won the battle against Team Alpha…but you lost when Team Beta escaped with its spoils!” Before this exchange even started, Captain America threw his shield up in the air. Remember that, now!

I don’t know who the Hydra Organization is, but I guess Captain America is fighting a group that’s associated with the Hydra Organization. He’s fighting a bunch of green-suited dipshits. This is the last one standing.

The Hydra Organization is only half an hour away from commencing a nuclear strike on the United States! BA HAW HAW HAW HAWWW!! This particular dipshit in a green suit, the one holding four-eyes hostage, he finally notices that Captain America doesn’t have his shield. He’s taken aback for a split second when Captain America doesn’t seem concerned, but presses on with his tough-guy schtick. And just when Mr. Green Suit gets ready to pull the trigger on the gun he has aimed at the Good Captain, “SP’TANG!”!

“SP’TANG!” is the sound of the shield coming back down to Earth and knocking that fucker to the ground. Four-Eyes is unharmed. Sp’tang, indeed.

This is where I learn that the shield is made of an adamantium/vibranium alloy! Wow! Cool metals.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Captain America strains to understand the Admiral’s jargon; words such as “infiltrated” and “computer”.

With the green dipshits deposed, the admiral of the ship arrives on the deck. He looks kind of like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. “Admiral, please tell me the Hydra didn’t get the virus!” whines Mr. Four-Eyes Scientist. The admiral is like “Of course they have the virus, nerd.” Captain America is confused, so Admiral T-1000 launches into a long, boring explanation!

So this submarine, the U.S.S. McNugget, once the next satellite picks up on the submarine’s location, the submarine’s computers will automatically upload the virus to the satellite and then transmit the virus to every single other navigational computer in the fleet! Oh no! What does this have to do with Japan?! I thought we were supposed to be in Japan! This isn’t Japan goddamnit!

Anyway, once this stupid virus corrupts the fleet’s computers there will be no way to anticipate Hydra’s attacks. The admiral’s only idea is to destroy the submarine before it can transmit the computer virus. Millions of innocent civilian lives vs. the lives of the submarine crew. This truly is the trolley problem, ain’t it? What a conundrum! Bzzt! Wrong! It’s NOT a conundrum! Nuke the submarine to smithereens, no brainer right there. Those dumbasses signed up for the military, it comes with the job! Bing bang boom.

But nooooo, Captain America is going to HEROICALLY attempt to save ALL lives like some sort of ALL LIVES MATTER kind of guy. “How much time before the uplink?” he asks. When told 22 minutes, he says “Give me 21!”. Yeah, ok, Chris Evans. Slow your roll.

Meanwhile, on the doomed submarine, another group of green-suited dipshits are holding the crew hostage and preparing for their unceremonious executions. “We will honor last requests…provided they are for a quick death!” says Dipshit Prime. There’s a racketous clanging sound coming from the torpedo tube, which distracts our Mean Green Gang. When one of them investigates the tube and opens the chamber, OUT BURSTS CAPTAIN AMERICA! “Knock, knock” he says as a full-page spread of his crotch entrances his faithful readers.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Yeehaw! Get’m Cap’n! You shore gave thems whatfer. Gon’ need m’jug o’ wine t’ cel’brate.

The submarine crew of fucking yokels cheers on the Good Captain as he makes short work of these interchangeable green men. Sound effects like “SP’TANG!” and “THWAM!” and “CHUD!” and “FWOK!” fill the pages as Captain America fights the good fight!

“Hey! Howcum we’re lettin’ him have all th’ fun?” asks some drooling hick. Pretty soon, the crew starts beating up these Hydra blowjobs along with the Cap’n. Too little too late, though, there’s more of these guys on the submarine than the Cap’n thought and there’s not much time before the vessel gets blown to smithereens! Smithereens, I say! Drastic times call for drastic measures, I always say! It’s the *glances at notecards* American way!

Captain runs up to the submarine…control center…cockpit…thing, and tells the guy at the controls to start diving, This enrages a Green Guy. “We cannot link to the satellite unless we are surfaced!” he snarls. “Think again!” bellows Captain America as he flings his big, stupid shield at the guy, which ricochets off of him and busts up the controls. “We’re on a suicide run!” he declares, which doesn’t sound very comforting!

As the Green Dudes plan their attack against Cap’n Crunch, the Cap’n heads back down to the other part of the submarine where the other guys were and tells the other guys that they’re close enough to the surface to escape. Once he notices that the commander is hurt, he asks who the ranking officer is. And it’s some WOMAN! WOMEN IN THE NAVY?! IN 1998?! HA HAH HAHHHAH HAHHAHA! HAHA! HAHAAHA!

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Excellent! You’ll do just fine! Listen: we need to bomb this fucker with us still in it.

It’s Lieutenant Commander Rebecca Houston at your service, sir! “Good. I’ll need your expertise. We’ve got to destroy this sub.” Captain America says, alarmingly. Lieutenant Commander Rebecca Houston is blindsided!

Houston follows America as they run…somewhere. Meanwhile, two more Green Punks are hiding out trying to get a good aim on the Fearless USA Costumed Guy. “His shield is a magnificent weapon…but he cannot possibly use it in quarters so close.” says one, confident that the tiny little submarine corridors will render America positively NEUTERED. We’re talking BALLS CUT OFF here.

However, naturally, they underestimated the superhero’s ability to be super in times when superness is of the essence, and America launches the goddamned thing through the narrow passage. It knocks out both Green Guys. “Don’t knock the shield.” Cap’n triumphantly declares, as I groan quite audibly.

America and Houston reach a room with some suspiciously dead Greenies. “Blast. They’ve swallowed poison to avoid capture.” America says, and here I am thinking the same exact thing. Here I am thinking “Blast.”

Houston compliments America’s prowess with the shield, and America starts talking about it like he fucks it every night before bed. “That absolute connection is what makes us a formidable team. I depend on it like nothing else in this world.” Yeah, he fucks that thing.

The submerging submarine bangs off some rocks and everyone falls. Another fucking wack ass Green Guy shows up and says something stupid like “your location was a DEAD giveaway” or “oh Captain America it looks like you’ve DIED your hair” or “wow, Slappin’ Cappin’, looks like I’m gonna kill you DEAD courtesy of gun bullets sent special delivery from Shoot Town”. These gun bullets are coated in adamantium which could blast a hole through the Great Wall of China! He’s really gonna be finished now! HAR HAR!

But no, the bullet bounces off his shield and around the room about a hundred times, goes through the Green Dude’s body about four times, and now he’s donezo.

“We still have to destroy the sub so that no one ever retrieves the infecting virus…and I know the only way to do it! Let’s go!” orders the Captain heroically. And all the while, Lt. Commander Houston is showing a lot of patience with the blue-suited man whose plans involved tasks like “arm all 30 torpedoes at once” and “let’s jettison ourselves through a torpedo tube using the ensuing explosions as propulsion and my shield as the buffer!” It’s like, entirely go fuck yourself, dude.

Captain America (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You first, lady.

At this point Houston is clearly terrified, but when she projects her anxieties at Captain America about being “blown to bits”, Captain America reassures her with a hearty “Maybe not!” Hokay, Captain Submarine Explosion Man, but maybe your precious fuck-shield isn’t SO good that it can-

All right, they’re fine.

As the Captain and the Lt. Commander hang helplessly suspended under hundreds of feet of water, Captain looks between his sinking shield and the sinking Lt. Commander and decides to save…the woman first. He…nope…no, nevermind, he grabs her and then dives even deeper to go after the shield. Great. Thanks.

Both of their makeshift facemasks (which don’t look like they’re helping one bit anyway) begin to crack under the water pressure as he dives deeper. Her face is turning red as a beet. He finally says “screw this” and kicks his way back to the surface, leaving his shield behind.

When they break the water’s surface they find the rest of the submarine crew on a life raft. Captain America tries to cover himself from the sun with his shield, but how quick we forget…

He looks glum.

I guess 30 pages of shield-related jerkoffery should’ve been foreshadowing I had picked up on earlier!

Anyway, the end!

Final Thoughts

What the holy hell is this terrible writing? Did Mark Waid just watch a bunch of ‘80s G.I. Joe and write a comic book?

Wasn’t this guy just in Japan? Where did this submarine story come from out of nowhere? Wasn’t there, like, some stuff starting to happen at the end of Issue #1? Or is this losing-the-shield sidebar an important component of the story now?

I quite literally had zero interest in any of this navy tale until Captain America’s shield sank to the bottom of the ocean. Now I’m all in again, because that is hilarious! I hope the ocean wins!


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Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “Sinestro (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Sinestro storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “Sinestro (Part 1)”! And so I begin my precocious new adventure into the mythos that is Green Lantern, which may or may not have had its continuity upended and bastardized dozens of times by the time the New 52 imprint got their hands on it anyway! I have no frame of reference. I don’t know anything about the Green Lantern except 1) something about a ring is involved, and 2) that Big Bang Theory nerd wears a shirt a lot that may or may not even be Green Lantern-related in the first place! What the hell do I know? I’d rather read Batman comics! This better be good is all I’m saying.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Sinestro (Part 1)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

OK, so the Green Lantern looks like a middle-aged Vincent Price! When I think of superheroes I first think of Vincent Price! I’m already sold!

We start off with a cute little bedtime prayer: “In brightest day…in blackest night…no evil shall escape my sight…let those who worship evil’s might…BEWARE MY POWER!” Ok, so it’s not the greatest bit of poetry, and the complicated rhyme scheme kind of falls on its face at the end there, but hey, nobody’s perfect!

Oh, it continues. “…GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!” Ho hum. The Green Lantern is in some room with his wrists chained. A council of some hovering little big-brained blue guys in red robes surround him.

“It’s been a long time since you have uttered that oath, Sinestro. How did it feel?” asks one of the big-brained blue guys. I’m gonna call him Brett. Check out the big brain on Blue Brett! Ha! This Sinestro guy, his ring is glowing with positively RADIOACTIVE green light. His face is desperate and red. He looks like shit. “What do you want with me, guardians? I did what you asked. I said the oath. Now remove this ring!”

The stern-faced blue oompah loompahs tell Sinestro that the ring chose him to once again be part of the corps, even in spite of his past betrayal. Time for redemption, Sinestro! Get a move on!

Sinestro doesn’t want to redeem himself! Fuck that noise, he doesn’t have to prove anything to the corps or the guardians or nobody! But, he’s wearing the ring, so oh well! The guardians tell him to protect his sector and that he is free to go. Sinestro grabs his hovering lantern and floats away into space without another word.

Once Sinestro leaves, the blue guys start bickering. Apparently, Sinestro abused his Green Lantern powers in order to become a dictator on his home world of Korugar. That kind of shenanigans is frowned upon among the Blue Council! The one called Ganthet is extra pissed about this; he says Sinestro intended to destroy the guardians and now we just gave him his Special Decoder Ring and his Special Lantern back! Another blue guy simply says that it’s good to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I’m with Ganthet on this one. That’s fucked up, Smurf guys.

But, the council has had enough of Ganthet’s shit and they mind-zap him!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

The comic book intergalactic gangbang we’ve all been waiting for!

So the guy on the cover is Sinestro, not the main guy. The main guy is Hal Jordan, he looks like a better superhero. Nice hair, muscles, that’s more like it!

Hal Jordan is sleepily sifting through a giant pile of “BILL PAST DUE” envelopes on a dining room table. His skinny, young landlord is beside him giving him the business. Pay up or your ass is grass! As his landlord demands his money, Jordan is distracted by a domestic dispute in the next apartment over. He can see some bald, veiny fucker grabbing a skinny blonde woman by the throat through his kitchen window. He knocks his dining table over while running out of the room. “CALL 9-1-1!” he yells at his angry and bewildered landlord, who probably thinks this is another ploy to avoid paying the rent. Perhaps the RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH! sir.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

OHH YEEAAAHHH!!

This guy, this Hal Jordan guy, he leaps across buildings and crashes through the goddamned window like the Kool-Aid Man. He starts punching this veiny, bald guy out of nowhere! Really letting him have it! …and then realizes that a camera crew is in the room filming a scene. And the only thing he has to say for himself is “Oh, damn.” Off to jail with you, you smarty man you!

This doesn’t seem to be the first time this has happened. Some young possible love interest named Carol Ferris posts his bail and they skedaddle. “You’re not the Green Lantern anymore, Hal. You could’ve been killed.” she berates him, and Jordan responds with exposition dialogue. That’s nice of him, he knew I was reading.

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Look Hal, we don’t want an accidental 9/11 on our hands. The real 9/11 was bad enough without you upping the ante.

He tells her that while he was discharged from the air force because he was missing in action, but SHE knows the REAL truth: that he was off the planet saving the Green Lantern Corps! She tells him, fighting off the planet or not, she can’t insure any planes that he flies. So there! This woman owns a whole airline?

Anyway, Hal Jordan’s a sad sack these days in more ways than one. The guardians took his ring for what may be similar reasons that his pilot’s license has been revoked. Not only that, but they gave a ring to Sinestro! Sinestro! It’s like, what the fuck! That guy’s a real douchebag! She says, maybe whatever’s going on with the Green Lantern Corps is none of their business anymore. Fuck it! She herself hasn’t put on the “star sapphire ring” either since she got back. So relax, homie.

MEANWHILE, SPACE SECTOR 1447, PLANET KORUGAR: Sinestro is chillin’ on some asteroid-thing looking through a weird, giant glowing telescope. Big dinosaurs with scepters are enslaving the citizens! WHAT ELSE IS KNEW, EH? Suddenly, some grotesque purple reptile crashes down on Sinestro and destroys the telescope. “DIE, LANTERN!” the creature snarls while Sinestro barely looks phased. He looks like he’s about ready to fart, actually. Perhaps this purple creature caught him at a bad time? A bad fartin’ time?

“I will skin you!” the reptile yells, and then recognizes him, “…Sinestro? We have been waiting for your return. What are you wearing?” the big ugly creature stares at the ring while Sinestro points it at his face. Sinestro wants answers, his orders were to protect Korugar, not enslave it. The creature is fuming! The yellow light is betrayed! What is this nonsense?! The yellow light! Not the green light, we’re talking about yellow here, Sinestro! Yellow!

Sinestro reveals a cord from his ring and starts choking the Purple Lizard with it. “I betrayed nothing.” he says, choking the bastard out. The yellow ring leaves his finger and Sinestro blasts it to pieces.

Hal and Carol are dressed up all fancy-like and having a fancy-like dinner, which I’m sure Carol is paying for since she owns an entire airline and Hal’s a deadbeat bum. He’s been thinking a lot about what she said, about forgetting the whole Green Lantern business and moving on. Sounds sensible to me, he needs to get a fucking job. And that’s just what he does. Whatever position is open for him at Ferris Air, he’s willing to take it. Janitor! I hope it’s a janitor! I hope he gets to plunge toilets at a gross airport bathroom. The private pilot bathroom! I want him to plunge other pilots’ turds.

“I never thought I’d be doing this, but…I need to ask you something,” he tells her sheepishly. She thinks he’s going to propose or something, but he asks her to be a cosigner for a lease on a new car.

How charming!

Green Lantern (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Ooooh, I’m a connoisseur of drinks splashed in my face! Could that be…hmm…is it Capri-Sun? Ahhh, the aforementioned Kool-Aid?

Anyway, she leaves. He runs out after her and wonders what her fucking problem was, and then realizes that maybe he got her hopes up. She’s still mad, though, basically tells him to go eat worms! “You’ve been off-planet for so long, you’re beyond out of touch with everyday life–and people” she tells him bluntly as she gets in her car and burns rubber! He has no ride now! LOL!

Hal Jordan walks home in the pouring rain, only to discover an eviction notice taped to his apartment door.

We end with an off-putting, slightly glowing, still kinda red Sinestro approaching Jordan in the hallway. “If you want your ring back, you’ll do everything I say.”

Final Thoughts

So far so good. I’m already primed to expect any DC superhero to be all super and heroic, so I’m taken aback already that Hal Jordan has Marvel-levels of rock bottom patheticness! Show me the Superman comic where he kicks an actor’s ass in front of a camera crew, I dare you!

That won’t last long, though. Hal’s gonna be back on his feet by the end of Issue #2. As far as what he’s going to need to do to get his ring back, I’m guessing there’s going to be page after page of Hal Jordan sucking Sinestro’s dick in the next installment, and I, for one, welcome it.


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