Liars, Rivers of Nihil, and Faye Webster

You know the drill, nerdmongers! Today I have newish releases from Liars, Rivers of Nihil, and Faye Webster! Words words words!

Liars – The Apple Drop
(August 6, 2021)

Liars - The Apple Drop

I’ve been following Liars’ career for a long time. Fans are apt to compare the band to Radiohead because of their similar moods and their ability to constantly evolve their sound between albums without sacrificing their identities. Liars, however, is less accessible. Once you penetrate through their harsh, somewhat unwelcoming exterior, their whole discography becomes a real treat.

I’m pretty forgiving of even the worst that Liars has to offer, but the Apple Drop is another solid entry in their catalog and I’m here for it. Angus Andrew, the only original member left, was flying solo for a couple years on the Liars project. It’s possible that he’s still alone here since most of the instruments are synthetic, but I’m unsure. His distinctive voice alone always elevates this music above writing off the band as a Radiohead pastiche, but the similarities are hard to overlook.

The Apple Drop is brimming with complex melodies that are fighting hard to remain abstract. Andrew takes his time with his words while the drum patterns want to rush ahead, especially on songs like “Sekwar” where he fucking dares the crunchy and angular drums to go faster. It’s like the older, more chaotic version of the band is trying to break out and trample the newer, more reigned-in and orderly version of the band. And, occasionally, the older version wins. Like on “My Pulse to Ponder”, where Andrew belts out the lines caveman-style (“I found a blade and I sharpened it way close/So it glistened in the moon WHEN I CUT YOUR THROAT!“). He sounds like Thurston Moore gettin’ mean!

And then there’s plenty of what Liars does best: fresh takes on curious, exotic sounds and instrumentation. The opener “The Start” has some electronic, robotic powering-up bloopy-bleepy noise that goes as quickly as it came. Or that cool, peculiar synthetic marimba on “Slow and Turn Inward”. I particularly like “Star Search”, which progresses on alternating tense low/high piano notes, low dynamic rumbling drums, a slight vinyl record hiss, turning into a some free jazz saxophone way low in the mix…and then the coda sounds like something right out of a Man Man album! Or, if you will, Paul McCartney’s “Monkberry Moon Delight”. Fun stuff.

And yet, I give it a smiley face instead of big grinning happy face because this album is an obvious grower. And like all the best Liars albums, the grow is slow.

Early Verdict:

Rivers of Nihil – The Work
(September 24, 2021)

Rivers of Nihil - The Work

Rivers of Nihil plays a version of technical death metal that doesn’t focus on the dizzying speeds that makes the genre attractive to people who just like their heavy metal fast fast fast fast fastfastfastfastfast. Instead, they build their quick, angular, palm-muted djent riffage around mid-tempo walls of sound and vocal textures, leaning hard into straight-up progressive metal without being completely fucking corny. And with each successive album, they lean a little harder.

Right now, they need to stop leaning. I think The Work strikes the perfect dynamic balance between the clean and harsh singing; the alternating of the soft, delicate, and guarded with the rough, abrasive, and punishing. Sometimes, they even spew forth a pure tidal wave of noise (like the end of “Dreaming Black Clockwork”). Their insular world seems fully developed and realized, and I’m right there in the middle of the space-y, icy scenery that is limned by cover art. Well, not right in the middle. I’m in the cozy little house!

Rivers of Nihil’s distinctive trademark is the occasional use of the Kenny G. smooth saxophone, which has been a point of ridicule for many. But I love the contrast every time! It adds even more nuance and texture, and it avoids bringing to mind the usual tech-death tropes of machinery or, like, blood and guts. Even the cheesy balladry or power chords that pop up from time to time are allowed room to make sense in the context.

And the best part? This is a death metal record that is very melodious – and it’s not at all a melodic death metal record! We have a winner.

However, Rivers of Nihil? Why not “Nihil River”? What a missed opportunity.

Early Verdict:

Faye Webster – I Know I’m Funny haha
(June 25, 2021)

Faye Webster - I Know I'm Funny haha

Faye Webster has put her last two albums out on the Secretly Canadian label, but there’s nothing secretly Canadian about her. THAT I KNOW OF! She’s from Atlanta, which is pretty far from Canada. Unless something changed??

Secretly Canadian or not, Webster has made another album of slow, indie, soul-tinged, folky, singery-songwritery music. Maybe it’s the color palette of the album art, but the music evokes strong lazy summertime-at-the-beach atmosphere moreso than her previous album Atlanta Millionaires Club, which evokes strong…I dunno, visions of a woman eating shit, I suppose? Don’t worry! You can click that link, it’s just the album cover! I promise! No seriously! Go ahead! I dare ya.

Anyway, I Know I’m Funny haha has almost nothing but slow tempos, mid/upper register jazz fusion-y piano and/or organ over shuffling drums, twangy guitar melodies, and melancholy singing about shitty relationships and general depression. Honestly, the most interesting parts happen where Webster doesn’t sing at all and the instruments can break out and roam free for a bit of time. Sometimes there are surprises, like the pretty strings and acoustic noodling on “In a Good Way”, and the assertive drumming and guitar-scale melody on “Cheers”. But, most of these songs maintain a clinically even-keeled mood whether she’s singing about love anxieties (“Kind Of”) or loneliness (“Both All the Time”), always with instruments dancing delicately on the cheery edge of the fence.

And that’s fine, it’s on purpose and everything, but as a listening experience I feel as numb as she sounds while she’s singing in my ears. That is to say, perhaps this slow-core indie country singer-songwriter soul stuff isn’t for me. But hey I tried haha

I’ll end with less snark: I caught myself humming the title track when I woke up this morning, and that’s saying something, so more time and an open mind might cause a breakthrough some day. Right now, it’s not the right time.

Early Verdict:


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Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Superman in Chains”

* Part 2 of 8 of the Superman and the Men of Steel storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2! ACTION COMICS! ACTION, BABY! In the previous installment, we see Superman do super things like run away from the cops and throw a wrecking ball through a motherfucking building. Lex Luthor promises the army that he will deliver Superman and he technically did. We ended the issue with Superman pinned against the Daily Planet building by the speeding train that he stopped with his super strong Superman super man muscles. Superman wears jeans.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 seems to pick up where we left off. Let’s get started then, what the hell are you waiting for, huh?

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman in Chains”

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Check out Superman on the cover of this issue. He looks positively FERAL. Like he’s going to start Hulking out, but alas this isn’t Marvel so there will be no Hulking. No Hulking at all.

We begin as the cover suggests: Superman is constrained to an electric chair with weak leather belts and he looks pretty banged up. Apparently, scientists are zapping him with electricity for, I don’t know, science purposes? Within three more panels he breaks free easily, which is something he should’ve done already, right? Why did he wait until Action Comics #2 came out a whole month later? Loser.

But nah, Superman only breaks out one arm before the scientists zap him again and render him weakened? Unconscious? The scientists all express their surprise at how poorly the electricity is killing him dead, I guess. Lex Luthor is there directing his team, intrigued like a sociopath at how Superman is handling this torture. He suggests next taking a blood sample and then throwing some fluoroantimonic acid on him, which is pretty fucked up actually. It’s at this point that one particular scientist demands what the hell is even going on and why this man is being tortured, and Luthor looks on unphased like some calm piece of shit. After yelling at him for a minute, the doctor storms off angrily and resigns. Luthor cracks open another can of pop and tells the scientists to crank the electricity up to 300,000 volts at 10 amps. Obviously, Luthor should be increasing the amperage, because keeping the amperage low while increasing only the voltage is just going to increase the resistance to compensate. Moron. I thought you were supposed to be good at torture.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Splash him with the acid! Right in the eyeballs! Show no mercy! We can’t be too careful! USA! USA!

As all this is going on, a team overseen by General Sam Lane is in another room shooting bullets and flamethrowers at Superman’s cape with great success! Oh wait, I meant NO success. Sorry, I get those mixed up! The cape is resisting all manner of punishment. Lane is informed that Lois is trying to get into the base to talk to him. He walks outside and she yells at him about [insert things Superman did in Issue #1 here] and that he’s a good guy because [insert things Superman did since 1938 here] and that the army should let him go! General Lane assures his daughter that he’s in good hands. This is the U.S. Army after all! Ha ha! OF COURSE HE’S IN GOOD HANDS, LOIS!

Luthor tells Superman that he knows about some big rocket that’s aimed at Earth like a bullet. He explains to Superman that a planet like Krypton that is possibly full of other Supermans makes him a wee bit squeamish. Luthor justifies his treatment of Superman as an animal. Superman is puzzled by Luther’s mentioning of the rocket and then starts cracking up in a manic fit of uncomfortable hysterics! He now starts taunting Luthor about his puny, squishy human body and his shitty human eyeballs, which prompts Luthor to make the first emotional response I’ve seen from him since the beginning of Action Comics. Don’t you dare make fun of Lex Luthor’s flimsy, ramshackle eyeballs! “SHOCK HIM!” he declares to his team of lickspittle scientists as he crushes his pop can lookin’ like angry Yul Brynner. Meanwhile, outside the base, Lois Lane has an uncomfortable conversation with an army dude named John Corben who has a mustache. He mentions the mustache.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Break his scrawny neck! Show no mercy! Krypton! Krypton!

FINALLY, after wasting all the time sitting there in a state of narcosis, Superman breaks free from his shackles and starts busting up the place! ACTION! After throwing around some equipment, Superman hoists Luthor up by the neck and starts threatening him to give him back his cape. As Superman grabs it, a hail of bullets bounce off as he runs for the hills. “I’m outta here!” he says! Like it was nothing.

As Superman tries to make his way out of the base, he comes across a room with a rocket ship that is emitting a ton of icy blue light and, uh, speaking at him in some sort of Krypton language? With a dreamy look in his tired alien eyes, Superman says as soldiers behind him look flabbergasted “Protect yourself. I’ll come back for you.” So there’s that I guess. The soldiers are still trying to get Superman, but Superman just whips around and melts their guns with his Gun-Melt-Vision and declares that he already said he was outta here!

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Check out this fuckin’ elevator nerd.

As he’s busting through walls, making a real ruckus, Lois Lane is in the base trying to get into restricted areas like she owns the place! When the elevator she’s trying to jimmy her way into opens, Superman is already in there with a pile of beat up and/or deceased soldier-types. He grins sheepishly and flies away! DOOT-DO-DOOOOOOO, DOOT D-D-D-DOOOOOOOOOO!!

Next, John Corben the Army Guy with the Mustache goes to some chin-beard named Professor Vale and tells him “we need Steel Soldier more than ever!” This lends me to believe that Steel Soldier is some sort of anti-Superman sex robot? Or maybe just a regular robot? Vale says that research isn’t finished yet! Corben says “Fuck you, with all due respect, Professor Sir!” and storms into the Steel Soldier holding room like owns the place! It doesn’t look much like a sex robot, which disappointments me, but more like a wearable iron suit that Superman could probably kick into the motherfucking sun.

We end the issue with Luthor speaking to some unknown, knowledgeable advisor on a phone. Luther demands to know who this guy is and why he knows what he knows! The last panel shows some creepy, tentacle-y space station thing.

Final Thoughts

This Superman fella cannot be stopped, so why are these people spending a ton of money trying to stop him! It’s fine! He works at a newspaper company! Get a hobby, nerds! Plant some flowers or something!

I’m not particularly at the edge of my seat yet with this one! I don’t care if Lex Luthor wants to kill Superman! I don’t care if Superman lives or dies! I don’t care who Lex Luthor’s secret contact is! I don’t care about the creepy space station! I don’t care about John Corben’s mustache!

See you next time at Action Comics Issue #3 anyway!


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Lars Hollmer, Albert Marcœur – When the Temperature Gets Cooler, the Music Gets Weirder

This time of the year finds me gravitating more toward the weird, the experimental, and the avant-garde. Living in Chicago, I experience all four seasons, and it’s interesting how the time of year causes one to crave certain styles of music more than other times of year, and how it differs from person to person. I do know, by frequenting a lot of loathsome music subreddits, that many music fans tend to associate autumn weather with folk music like Elliott Smith or Bob Dylan (which I don’t really understand), or gothic metal like Type O Negative or Paradise Lost (which I understand much better). Others enjoy Halloween-type atmospheric soundscapes like John Carpenter’s soundtracks or minimal wave, which I also do to a certain extent. Primarily though, for me, it’s fuckin’ avant-progressive carnivalcore and Mr. Bungle ripoff music! And that’s what I’ve been listening to within the last week as I continue to dive head first into the moody chill of October.

Lars Hollmer

Lars Hollmer

Accordion. Checkerboard shirt. Denim. Some sort of log cabin background. Yep, I’m sold!

This doofy-looking Swede you see on the right with the accordion (or above, you sly mobile cellular phone user) is Lars Hollmer, one of the founding members of Samla Mammas Manna, which was one of the core bands associated with the Rock in Opposition movement of the late-’70s. Did any of that mean anything to any of you? It shouldn’t! It was a movement for nerds.

Samla Mammas Manna was the Swedish answer to Frank Zappa. Technical, diverse, musically and lyrically silly, never took itself too seriously. Lars Hollmer’s solo output is similar, but with extra emphasis on accordion-driven melodies and experimental forays into European (and possibly other regional) folk dance music. At its essence, it sounds like carnival shit. It’s great.

I’ve always liked the accordion. I know it’s right up there with bagpipes (which I also like) as everyone’s least-favorite musical instrument, but people are stupid. It’s a surprisingly versatile instrument! Jazz! Do you know Koby Israelite? He makes some engaging modern klezmer jazz music. It’s good, I swear! What about Gogol Bordello or, hell, Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly? That’s punk music with the accordion, my friend. Heavy metal? There’s an entire folk metal genre, come on now. Korpiklaani, Eluvitie, Ensiferum, Finntroll, Alestorm, you name it. Indie rock? Beirut and the Decemberists. They Might Be Giants.

WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!

The accordion rules, dinguses. And Lars Hollmer sort of rules, too, I suppose. The thing about his solo albums, though, is that they’re all fragmented to the point where it feels like rejected cutting-room-floor tracks from Samla Mammas Manna sessions. It’s possible that they could be! But with about 10 studio albums worth of good material available, I can’t complain too hard!

Hollmer died in 2008. Perhaps he had his accordion cremated along with him. His friends and family probably couldn’t wait to burn that dreadful instrument!

Albert Marcœur

Albert Marcœur

It’s like a Frank Zappa with Harry Potter glasses.

If Samla Mammas Manna was the Swedish answer to Frank Zappa, then Albert Marcœur is the French answer. It is my ambition to uncover all the worldly answers to Zappa. I want to find the Iraqi version, the Dutch version, the Namibian version, the Kiribatian version, etc. etc.

Since Marcœur is from France, it stands to reason that all of the lyrics are in French. And since I peaked at a second-grade reading level in high school French class, much of this is lost on me! However, his oddball music more than entertains, and his use crazy illustrated cover art, plinky toy instruments, huffin’-and-puffin’ background noises, and sardonic-sounding vocals are every bit as Zappa as one would expect from someone who has been critically appointed as the “French Frank Zappa”. To that end, I’m satisfied. He even kind of looked like him back in the day! He obviously found the appellation to be a high compliment. He even ran with it and made an album called L’apostrophe in 2005.

Marcœur’s catalog isn’t huge like Zappa’s, which is a shame because he has a lot of ideas swirlin’ around that croissant of a head of his. His music is a recent discovery for me, so I’ve only had a chance to absorb his first two studio albums. The man has also scored a good share of movie soundtracks, which is probably every bit as zany as his regular work. I’m looking quite forward to digging deeper into Marcœur’s catalog while I keep a lookout for the Laotian answer to Zappa.

Other Quick Thoughts

Miles Davis

Industrial Music requires Industrial Hair, son.

-I’m already thinking about putting together my Top Albums of 2021 list. I might even be ambitious enough to make it to 50 this year, but, more likely, I’ll be hitting 25 and then putting out another separate list of the 25 runners-up. Who the fuck wants to read a Top 50 list by some shithead punk no-name blogger like me? The world, that’s who! Unless something comes out in the next three months that dazzles my dick right off my pelvis, I already have my #1 album slotted! What is it gonna be? ALICE COOPER?? IRON MAIDEN?? MAROON 5?? NICK JONAS?? Oh man, the suspense!

-If you’re looking for the Brazilian answer to Zappa, it’s totally Arrigo Barnabé. Check him out, the dude is nuts!

-I wish I could get into Skinny Puppy harder. It’s almost like the very fact that it isn’t 1986 anymore makes their music less creepy somehow? Being born in 1987, I got the tail-end of the ’80s aesthetic when my brain started being able to retain memories, and a lot of the ’80s synthpop had some sort of unearthly, nefarious edge to it that oddly attracted me even as a kid. Getting into industrial music in the mid-2010’s, I think I missed the boat entirely on absorbing this kind of dark electro-industrial goodness in the right place at the right time. It’s some nice stuff, though, but I don’t crave to hear it often.

And with that, this is Tom signing off with: And That Certainly Was a Post!


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Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Alias Investigations (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Alias Investigations storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Alias Investigations, Part 1”! Once again I switch gears as I hop willy-nilly around what the early-2000s Marvel has to offer me. And, because I’m legitimately enjoying Brian Michael Bendis’ Ultimate Spider-Man series, and because I’m positively titillated by the idea of these MAX Comics, then Alias it is!

UNFORTUNATELY, the Alias series will not see us follow Jennifer Garner as a CIA double-agent where she just keeps dying her hair different colors and calls that “being undercover”. HELL NO! The Alias series is the Marvel introduction of Jessica Jones, who got her own Netflix show in 2015 starring Krysten Ritter. And let me tell you, based on these illustrations 14 years prior to the release of the show, what a fantastic casting decision that was.

Anyway, at this point I’m familiar with Jessica Jones Season 1, which I started watching on a lark about eight months ago. I think that very show is what sparked this whole comic book reading endeavor in the first place. So, I owe it to myself to dip into the real deal and burn through the Alias comics, written by Brian Michael Bendis (the same guy who writes the Ultimate Spider-Man series. And MAX Comics, by the way, is Marvel’s gratuitous-for-the-sake-of-gratuity controversial adult-only imprint! I think it made Stan Lee cry once. Alias was the first series ever launched on MAX. Oh boy! Maybe we’ll see some titty! That might be fun, right kids?

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [November, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Alias Investigations (Part 1)”

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

PARENTAL ADVISORY – EXPLICIT CONTENT. Oh boy oh boy!

In the very first panel, we are treated to the speech bubble “FUCK” eminating from a door labelled “Alias Investigations”. I think I just got my adult-oriented money’s worth on that one.

A balding, slightly muscular man in a white tank-top is swearing hopelessly in a chair while a suited woman, smoking a cigarette, leans against a desk. “I told you when you hired me — these things rarely end well” says the female agent. The man just keeps saying “FUCK!” because he knows we’re reading MAX COMICS, baby! She asks him if he needs a moment alone, he asks her why his wife never told him she was some sort of mutant, the agent just tells him that they live in complicated times. He starts taking his anger out on the agent, asking her if she had a good time snooping around his life and unearthing this devastating revelation. Obviously, this man is paying her money, and she points this out, and there you go. She’s not very sympathetic, even digs a little bit into him! I like it! He reaches for her throat, blaming “bitches” for all his problems, and a few seconds later he is thrown through the window of her office door. She simply asks for his money.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, officer. I understand. See you again tomorrow.

Jessica Jones is the name, and getting paid for gritty detective work is the game! She is questioned by the police, who tells her that she probably shouldn’t be attacking her clients. She claims self-defense, and it sounds like she’s been through this RIGAMAROLE with the police before. The police officer sees a large framed photograph on the wall of members of the Avengers: Thor, Iron Man, maybe the Wasp? The pink-haired lady, maybe that’s whoever Zoe Saldana is? Look, I still don’t shit about comics books, ok? Cut me some fucking slack here, gents.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Cyndi Lauper over here has seen better days. And worse days. Look, I guess it’s just another average day. Nothing to see here, move along, girls just wanna have fun.

Anyway, the police officer goes gaga over this and asks Jones if she knows them. She says “used to”. The officers continue their job, but keep getting distracted by all the framed photos of superheroes around the office. “Hey, which one were you?!” they keep asking her, but Jones is being tight-lipped. Methinks a couple of police officers are gonna be kissing windowpane pretty soon if they don’t stop poking and prodding! “I don’t do that anymore”, she tells them. “Why not?!” gawks a yokel of a cop. “Because I outgrew it,” she responds. They still aren’t satisfied, but she kicks them out nonetheless. Not literally. They ask for the file Jones has on the client’s wife, she hands it over, they exchange some wisenheimer quips at each other, and the cops leave. She looks sullenly at her portrait (ok, so SHE was the pink-haired lady), she lights a cigarette, and then passes out on her desk with the lit cigarette.

Empty bar in the middle of the night. Well, almost empty. Jones is identically slumped over the bar as she was on her desk, cigarette and all. A sexy, suave, burly black guy starts making his moves on her with lines like “Hey girl” and “Havin’ a nightcap”? This guy owns the bar, you see, and his name is Luke Cage, you also see, and he and Jones already know each other, you see further. She asks him how he can just walk around being Luke Cage. Luke Cage says that Luke Cage is just Luke Cage, and what else is Luke Cage going to do? Sorry, it’s fun writing “Luke Cage” like that over and over again. She isn’t satisfied with his answer, but he smiles a million-dollar smile at her and says “who’s gonna fuck with me”? Cage asks Jones why she came down to the bar, and sad-sack depressive Jones says she just wanted to feel something different. THIS IS CAGE’S CUE, BABY. Cage is gonna get some pussy tonight!

Yes sir! We see some real teeth-clenching faces from Jones, some real PG-13 stuff here, as she explains that Cage will probably feel bad later for their little tryst. Jones, however, doesn’t care. She just wants to feel any emotion at all. Pain. Humility. Anger. So I’m guessing she let him put it in the butt. Hahaha MAX COMICS, son! After hours! Wooo!

The next morning Jones is walking through the city in her cool-ass shades. She spots a woman following her, similarly wearing cool-ass shades. The jig is up. The woman asks if she’s Jessica Jones. Jessica Jones, being Jessica Jones, says yes, she’s Jessica Jones. That name isn’t as fun to write out as Luke Cage. As Jones and the woman go back and forth with their “I need to talk to you” and “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good time”, Jones takes note of the woman’s lavish clothes, jewelry, and accessories. The woman insists that her sister is missing and she has nowhere else to go. I’m guessing that Jones thinks she can make a lot of money off this woman, so she takes her up to her office.

I don’t know this woman’s name yet, but she fills an entire two pages of speech balloons loaded with words. Ugh, I’m going to have to READ now? Gross.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

You can pay me in cigarettes, lotto tickets, and jelly beans! And no black jelly beans either, is that jake with you, ma’am?

She goes on about her sister Miranda, how they never really got along, how she was the older, responsible one and Miranda was the younger, more impulsive one. Miranda would always drift with the wrong crowd and get into trouble, and then the abortion didn’t really help keep the family together either! Har har! And the drugs, oh my, the drugs. So many drugs! Not that she’s judgmental, of course, not at all! Anyway, Miranda has been trying to set herself straight lately, got a job, and started seeing a decent man for a change. In fact, she likes this guy so much that she wanted to get married after only going out for a couple weeks! HOOOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, SIS, DON’T RUSH INTO THINGS NOW! C’MON NOW! But, doggone it, Miranda doesn’t take that very well, does she? She flies off the handle and cuts off contact. After a couple weeks she tried to call Miranda, but Miranda didn’t call her back. OK, fine. She tried calling again a couple weeks later before Mom’s birthday, but Miranda’s phone was disconnected. She tried calling Miranda’s work, but they say she quit, and they won’t explain why. So she tried visiting her apartment, but she doesn’t live there anymore. So now she’s talking to Jessica “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23” Jones about it. Classic Miranda! In my opinion, she’s being such a Carrie. But I digress…

Jones tells the woman that sometimes women like her sister disappear on purpose and aren’t too keen on being found. The woman just wants to make sure Miranda is ok, so Jones agrees to take the case.

Jessica Jones takes the time to let us, the attentive readers, in on a little bit of detective inside baseball here! VIP room only! First, she spends more time making sure the client isn’t some sort of con artist than she does actually finding the person the client wants found! Second (and this one is reaaallllly secret so don’t tell anyone!), you can find anything you need online! So, she’s taking people’s money and doing what they could do at home! *squints* Right, this came out in 2001, I forgot. This even predates social media as we know it. I’m guessing nowadays all a private investigator has to do is email their client a Facebook page or something. Jones says that most websites that she uses will only cost her $30 for the relevant information. Sad! Jones, you’re still paying money for this stuff online. Wait a few years, people will just be forthright with everything you could ever want!

She goes on to say that, sometimes, people are just impossible to find, and clients bail because Jones keeps pumping $30 into the internet slot machine. Miranda, though, she finds easily. Off she goes.

She stakes out a house where she sees Miranda enter with some tall hunk o’ man! Hubba hubba! It’s 2am and the guy’s beeper goes off (Ha! 2001!), which means he’s either a doctor or a married man. However, the guy never leaves the house. At least through the front door. After a few moments, she finally spots him on the roof…

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Daaaaaawwwww, here it goes! *Coolio starts rapping*

Final Thoughts

Whuuuuut?! That was unexpected! That didn’t happen in the show, that’s for sure. CAPTAIN AMERICA! Chris Evans himself! Miranda’s a lucky gal. Her sister can go fuck herself, let Miranda keep boning Chris Evans. Let Jessica Jones keep boning Luke Cage. Everyone just keep on boning. This is MAX Comics, baby!


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Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Superman Versus the City of Tomorrow”

* Part 1 of 8 of the Superman and the Men of Steel storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1! ACTION COMICS! ACTION, BABY! We’re talking fist fights. We’re talking half nelsons. We’re talking high-speed police chases. We’re talking AK-47s. We’re talking grand theft auto, baby. We’re talking oiled chests. We’re talking ninja heists.

I don’t know what to expect at all with Action Comics! I wasn’t even really expecting to start reading this series anytime soon, I thought I was gonna binge on Batman stuff! When jumping into DC Comics I figured “Hey, they literally rebooted everything from the start! What a perfect place to jump in and go through an entire run!”, not realizing that basically every single one of the 52 different series in the reboot crosses over with each other in some way eventually. Whoops! Now, any seasoned comic book aficionado would say “Hey Tom, you dingus, you don’t HAVE to read everything in order before getting to the events”. And I say, fuck you, I’m going to try! I’ll be jumping around the many series a lot on the DC side of things for sure, so be warned. Eventually it will all come together. I hope! If nothing else, you can stick to my personal chronology to at least maintain some semblance of continuity with all this shit.

Anyway, Action Comics! The most famous comic book of all time is Action Comics #1, the introduction of Superman. I’m not reading that Action Comics #1, though, I’m reading THIS Action Comics #1. The Volume 2 version of Action Comics #1. What a rip off! What will I learn? Is this just another glorified Superman comic book with a different name? Oh boy, the excitement!

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman Versus the City of Tomorrow”

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Yuck, look at Superman’s face on the fucking cover. What an arrogant-looking jerkoff. I have a feeling I’m not going to connect with Superman, mostly because he’s portrayed as flawless and has no weaknesses except some sort of rock from his home planet, right? Also, Jerry Seinfeld really likes Superman and that’s major points off right there anyway.

Two panels in and I’m already laughing because this guy says “Mr. Glenmorgan…I’m teetotal.”, which sounded like straight up Engrish to me until I looked it up and realized that it’s a grammatically correct sentence. But it reminded me of “Bart, get out, I’m piss.” and you shouldn’t look that up at all. Anyway, these two guys are some sort of pieces-of-shit businessmen and Superman pops in all angry about the businessmen. There’s guys with guns too. Superman throws them all around the room, but we don’t even see it! Where’s the Action in my Comics?!

Mr. Teetotal tells the cops who arrive on the scene that a “madman” came “out of nowhere” with “a red parachute” and took “Mr.” Glenmorgan. They go into the next room and Superman is standing there on the edge of a balcony about 50 floors off the ground hosting Glenmorgan above his head with one arm, which is an arrogant-jerkoff thing to do!

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Check out Glenmorgan’s eyes rolling in the back of his head in ecstasy. He loves this shit. Really gets off on it.

Glenmorgan is rabid with rage! The police are supposed to stop Superman NOW! Meanwhile, “Superman” (I’m beginning to think this cat isn’t actually Superman, his eyes keep glowing ominously in the shadows) is like “fuck you Glenmorgan you pussy” and jumps off the roof, plummets to the ground, and lands on his feet while still holding him. After this, Glenmorgan has a few choice words for Superman, such as “Dhh” or “Uh… Guh…”, and then decides to give a full confession right then and there about his shady business dealings, corner cutting, and other various tomfooleries. Pffft.

Once the threat has been eliminated Superman starts being a jerk to the police, taunting them while smiling vaguely, which is kind of cool actually. The police start shooting at him and calling in reinforcements, but even I know that it’s futile. This is a Super-type Man, you nimrods! He’s going to live forever until he’s a gibbering trillion-year-old idiot floating around the hazy remnants of complete entropy.

Meanwhile, in some army command center, we see Lex Luthor sipping from a can of pop while General Lane (Lois Lane’s dad?) is trying to figure out how they can eliminate this big scary “Super” “Man”. The army is paying Luthor to bring them Superman by 8pm. Luthor seems confident.

It’s the very next panel where I realize that Superman seems to be wearing denim jeans as part of his superhero outfit! Gross! It seems Luthor has arranged for a wrecking ball to start demolishing a building with people in it, which is exactly the kind of tree-huggin’ humanitarian bullshit that Superman would fall for. He successfully stops the wrecking ball in its path and launches it against another wall, creating an opening for the people to escape through. ACTION!

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1

GNUHH! Here comes the Admiral of the Denim Brigade! Got a wallet chain to go with those JNCOs?

But wait! There are tanks waiting outside the building and one of them shoots a net right at Superman, which he is apparently no match for whatsoever for exactly one panel. Superman then grabs the wrecking ball chain and swings it into one of the tanks. It’s at this point that the army guys decide to throw in the towel; this denim-clad beast must be from another planet or something! Reinforcement helicopters arrive, but Superman decides to fucking fly away easily. Bye!

Superman lands on his apartment building, puts on a large and smelly-looking orange shirt, dons some Harry Potter nerd glasses, rumples his hair, and now he’s in a perfect disguise! Clark Kent! His cross-eyed landlady is concerned because ol’ Clarky looks a little mussed up! Hahaha, that’s ok Ms. *squints* Nyxly? Yuck. Anyway, ol’ Clarky has had it worse growing up on his Smallville farm! Heh heh ha! They have a friendly chat about how wonderful Superman is as Ms. Nyxyxyx demands her rent money from Kent. She tells him he had visitors. He is perplexed. Probably because Superman is a little bit dumb, right? Isn’t he some sort of dumb guy? Am I remembering that right?

Clark Kent calls some little bowlhead kid named Jimmy Olsen, who is with Lois Lane at a subway station. They both look a little cross-eyed too! Clark tells Jimmy not to get on the train because of reasons. Lois Lane is like “nuh uh, that guy works for the OTHER newspaper and I ain’t listening, girlfriend”. This scene is hard to follow, ugh. A lot of dialogue is happening one-sided from the reader’s point of view and I have too much attention deficit disorder to hey look a penny.

Where was I? It seems Lois Lane boarded a train anyway and this is bad. The train goes faster and there’s some bad guy named Grundig involved who may have made a shady business deal with that Glenmorgan guy. Clark Kent, somewhere along the way, turns into Superman again and chases the train, runs ahead of it, and attempts to stop it by pushing against the driver’s cabin. Meanwhile, some guy dressed like a 1920’s gangster tells Lois and Jimmy to “SAY IT TO THE GUNS!” I’m sure they try hard not to start snickering at this. He’s even wearing a bandit mask! Cute. Superman is still trying to stop the train while he’s bleeding out the ears! ACTION! The train somehow derails, crashes through like forty buildings, and stops? And everyone’s ok probably.

Action Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Left one is Martha! Right one is Daisy! A couple o’ ladies for ya! They’s all dolled up and ready ta kiss! With a bullet thru da brainpan!

Back at Army HQ, General Lane is mad as the dickens because Lois was on that train and Lex Luthor fucking knew that! Rawr! As Lex Luthor gets yelled at he starts talking about snakes and toads and compares Superman to a parasite and Earth to a host. He points out that Superman is pinned against the outside of the Daily Planet building by the train, declares that he made good on his promise to bring Superman to General Lane by 8pm, and walks the hell on out of there smugly. Lane just kind of stares, realizing that Luthor has a point.

Final Thoughts

Mixed feelings! A lot of this was stupid, black-and-white good guy-bad guy shit, but some of it was more interesting than I either expected OR stubbornly pretended wasn’t! It felt kind of long, though. I like my ACTION with less action!

HOWEVER, if I’m supposed to hate Lex Luthor then it didn’t work, because he was the best part of the issue. He never got emotional, nervous, and he’s got a big bald head!

Superman seems like he’s not entirely flawless here! He says “ow”, among other things. Bleeding ears. I’m not sure what to make of that yet. I’m also wondering if Action Comics is going to follow Superman entirely or if it’s going to branch off into different stories. Why have a separate Superman series if Action Comics is going to follow Superman??

Ignorance abounds on my end! Will Tom learn a thing or two? See you in Action Comics, Volume 2, Issue #2, you dorkbuckets!


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