Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #3 – “Vega”! In the previous installment, now that the recruits have congregated at Oa there is all sorts of shit going down in other Sectors. One Sector has a star exploding, which may or may not have sucked Vath and Isamot within its black-holey depths. Another Sector contains a planet who is a Lantern in of itself, and Gardner and Rayner helped fend of Rann and Thanagarian fleets who were going to destroy the weird Lantern planet. Another Sector contains Soranik Natu, who got trapped after trying to run the fuck away from Oa and the other Green Lanterns.

So that’s where we’re at right now. Too much going on and not enough room to be snide about it! Not yet, at least, but oh, there’s time!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #3 [January, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Vega”

Deep Space. So deep that there are no Sectors at all!

“You really want to go to Vega, Rayner?” says one big green streak in the dark. “This is big-time Lantern rule-breaking, y’know.”

The other big green streak ignores the first big green streak. “I’m the bad boy and the Guardians expect it,” says Gardner. “If they can me an’ send me back to Earth, fine. But you… you live to be out here. Be the Guardians’ golden boy.”

The Rayner-shaped big green streak continues to ignore until he can’t ignore any longer, then he tells Gardner to get over himself. Right now, his gut tells him to save this woman even if it’s against protocol. And if he has to go as far as Vega, well, he’ll damn well go as far as Vega! And what happens in Vega stays in Vega, so cork it, Gardner.

Guy Gardner is on board because the woman is hot, so that’s where we are here in the year 2006. They descend upon the solar system with its belt of a trillion asteroids; time to start lookin’. The ring gives a warning: THIS SYSTEM IS OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION OF THE GUARDIANS. LANTERNS ARE ADVISED THAT PROCEEDING FURTHER IS A SERIOUS DISCIPLINARY OFFENSE.

Ohhh, it’s on, baby. Gimme some of that serious disciplinary action. Rayner notices that it’s been a while since Natu’s last distress call… so he’s a little bit worried… not because she’s hot… not entirely…

Elsewhere, you’ve got Vath and Isamot fighting whozits in the complete darkness. All like “Focus, Tharagarian” and “I don’t like a Rannian tell me what to do” and it’s going to be an inseparable friendship by the end of this limited series, guaranteed.

Man, just start boning each other now and stop embarrassing all of us here.

Suddenly, the two see a green glow that isn’t from either of their rings…

“DADDY’S HERE, POOZERS!” says a jubilating Kilowog. “Now let’s get you home.” And it’s like, fuck you, Dad. You’re not my real dad.

In the Vega system, Rayner and Gardner are arguing amongst themselves about finding Natu, and eventually land on an asteroid that looks like an industrial landfill. Or a “low-level recycling organization” since Rayner wants to be all woke about it.

Upon descending to the surface, the duo finds Natu in about two seconds hanging limp from a few strung-up cables. Her clothes are all torn and, as Guy Gardner would probably point out, and not me, not in a sexy way!

“I’m gonna kick ass and take names!” Gardner says tritely while Rayner works on cutting Natu down. Gardner crushes a Vegan alien’s head into the mud and demands answers, but even his ring isn’t able to translate the gobbeldy-gook. Then Gardner discovers the skeletonized body of Tarkus Whin, who died at the beginning of this series! The ring recognizes him as former Lantern for Sector 1417, which was where Natu was supposed to start her post. Something fishy is going on, ain’t it?

Lit up like a Natu-O-Lantern. Hah!

Rayner tries to get the ringless Natu to start breathing again, and she does (after brilliant green light courses through her pained face). The ring is there too, so all is obviously well. Be prepared for a scene in a few minutes of Natu yelling at a couple of Green Lantern men to leave her the FUCK alone.

On a rogue orbit of Vega, some sort of station holds some sort of aliens who report to some sort of alien commanders that some sort of Green Lanterns are helping some sort of Korugaran. “They should be mine, by rights. Their kind destroyed my homeworld,” says a shadowed woman holding a trident-like weapon. “You shared my Darkstar bounty. I claim my taste of this, Fatality,” says a shadowed being who looks like a pile of pudding. “I, too, have a score to settle – but we shall honor our sworn agreements and hunt together,” says a hunched over overbite-having motherfucker.

So, we have a deal. Scoop up the three trespassers and everyone can take turns eating their delicious innards! I like the cut of everyone’s jib!

Back in Vath/Isamot Land, they ask Kilowog which way home actually is (since he’s going to take them home and all, like a good Dad). Kilowog admits that space and gravity seem out of whack, and that perhaps home is in every direction right now?

With all three helping at once, the Lanterns are able to punch themselves out of whatever wet paper bag they find themselves in. Teamwork brings people together, I always say and all that nonsense. “Heads up, poozers! We’re out!” says Kilowog. And, indeed, they’re out all right. Out in the middle of bumfuck buttfuck fuckbutt nowhere with some sort of large, menacing vessel floating toward them…

Now we get to see a bunch of white knighting from both Rayner and Gardner, so buckle up. Rayner slips Natu’s ring back on, and the ring announces that it has returned to its recognized bearer. “AWAITING INSTRUCTIONS,” it says. Natu tells it to order her a pepperoni fuckin’ pizza.

Rayner asks Natu to explain exactly how she got here in the first place. “Very well. I owe you that much,” she says. “I left Oa intent on returning to Korugar, but… as I reentered Sector 1417, I was haunted by the thoughts of the previous bearer of this ring, Tarkus Whin. I needed to see where he had died. The rites of death are sacred on Korugar. The ring took me to the black hole that had been 1417.196. At a safe distance beyond its gravity sink, I prayed for his soul. But then–”

Getting stretched out like taffy is totally not cool, bruh.

OK, she talks a lot. Basically, she got caught in the black hole gravity field which stopped abruptly before she fell in completely. Something else was binding her, but she didn’t know what or why or how or from whence! She saw Tarkus there, too, and she knew that whatever had killed him would go for her too. She hid the ring, ordered it to slow her vitals, and her life force was stored while shit got less real.

“It took all my willpower and knowledge, but it worked. I must have appeared to be one more dead lump of organic waste sucked into the black hole.” After that it’s hazy, since brain function was pretty much shut off until you Green Lantern bastards woke her up again. She remembers getting strung up by some unsavory aliens. She remembers the smell of Kid Cuisines…

“Pretty risky, wasn’t it?” says Gardner. “You coulda died easily usin’ the ring to do that to yourself.”

“There was no risk. I am a doctor. A very good doctor. The best on Korugar.”

Take that, lunkhead. You’re in the presence of actual intelligence, so shove off. And now that she finally did what she wanted to do (honor the spirit or whatever, I wasn’t listening), she will direct the ring to return to Oa.

“You know, Natu,” says Rayner, “if you really wanted to honor Tarkus Whin’s memory, you’d keep the ring he died for.” Sounds like someone really wants Natu to change her mind *waggles eyebrows* “Use it to save lives. It already saved yours.”

Then Gardner says the thing that so many have already said during the course of this series to get people to do what they want for toxic ego reasons: “Maybe you were right back on Oa, Rayner. Maybe she is afraid.”

Natu makes a face. “You are wrong. I am not afraid.”

“She’d probably have washed out on Lantern training anyway,” Gardner continues as he and Rayner walk away.

“And I have never failed a test in my life. And I shall be a Green Lantern.”

Bing. She keeps it. Just like that. That’s all it took. It’s like calling Marty McFly a chicken. You know it’ll get under his fragile, macho skin. Natu gets a Green Lantern outfit all of a sudden and everything. Gardner calls it sexy. Natu looks like she’s ready to bite his dick off.

Even my four-year-old doesn’t change her mind this quickly. Damn, lady.

On their way out of the asteroid belt, they are ambushed by a vessel shooting missiles at them. “SURRENDER, LANTERNS!” says some unknown entity, probably Jeff Bridges.

“SURRENDER NOW AND I, BOLPHUNGA THE UNRELENTING, PROMISE YOU MERCY!” Oh shit, “unrelenting” is in her name! Looks like you guys need to relent immediately!

You’ve got Fatality, too, who wants a piece of the bounty. And by that, I mean she wants Rayner’s head! These two have history, it seems. I’m looking forward to never hearing about it.

The bounty hunters keep shooting, the Lanterns keep evading. Eventually, other ships come in to help and Gardner wants to get out of there before the whole damn Vega system comes against them! Suddenly, their rings start calling them “poozers”; start telling them to regroup. The three of them are like “KILOWOG?? HERE?? WHUUUUUUTT???”

And verily, they find a giant Death Star-looking object straight ahead, where Kilowog presumably is (along with Vath and Isamot).

Everyone’s in one spot now! That’s convenient!

Final Thoughts

Do you know what this comic book needs? MORE inscrutable panels with explosions, upside-down misshapen aircraft, and weird tears in space. It really is easy on the eyes, I’m serious here.