The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 15: “The Gray Man”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Egwene and Nynaeve discuss amongst themselves as they head back to their quarters. Nynaeve believes that Liandrin wouldn’t have taken them away from the Tower if she didn’t see them as a threat, whatever it may be. If there are any Black Ajah still in the Tower, they may see the two as a threat as well. On your guard! Concealed carry! Lock and load, bitches!

When they reach the Novice quarters, Elayne isn’t there. Nynaeve wants to stick around and wait for Elayne so they can all talk, but suddenly an arrow flings through the air and nicks Egwene’s ear. Ouch, etc.

This seems like the first I’m hearing of it, but the One Power comprises of Five Powers: Earth, Fire, Air, Water, and Spirit. By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!

I just realized that I’m interchanging “Nynaeve” and “Nyneave”. Forgive me if you see the wrong spelling literally everywhere.

Nyneaeaeve channels Air to trap the assassin. They round the corner and find a boring, Pete Buttgieg-looking plain-ass motherfucker running in midair with a dagger embedded in his chest. Dead as one of them doornails. No crossbow of any kind, though. There must be another assassin running loose! Sheriam shows up to ask WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS– GASP! This man is cuh-razy! He’s dead though. “More” than dead, which means he’s one of the Soulless. A Gray Man. One who gives up his or her soul to become an assassin of the Dark One. They look non-descript and blend in to their surroundings, and they’ll kill you before you even know what happened. Sheriam tells the two to speak of this to no one, and Egwene makes an excuse to grab her cloak so that she can check the quarrel back where she was almost killed. It’s gone.

Egwene comes back and takes Nynaeve away from the scene of the crime. Nynaeve found it very odd that, among all the talking, Sheriam never wondered who killed the Gray Man…


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Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11 – “Outsider”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Girl in the World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11 – “Outsider”! In the previous installment, Kara had gotten sucked into the Black Banshee’s void where she relives awful memories and has brain-damaging nightmares! She meets up with Tom Smythe, Siobhan’s brother, who had been trapped for at least 10 years.

Kara uses her Supery Aura to destroy the Black Banshee from within, which allows the Silver Banshee time to suck him up into her void. Which isn’t as sexy as it sounds. Maybe a little sexy.

So now what? Crisis averted? Not exactly! Some guy I don’t know has created a camouflage suit that allows him to look like any person he wishes, including Taylor Swift or Willem Dafoe or even dead OJ Simpson! And he intends to kill Supergirl for reasons! So, let’s see what those reasons might be.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11 [September, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Outsider”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11

Kara starts recognizing Earth as a place where beauty exists but things like lions mauling zebras can happen too. Nothing like Krypton. Kara misses Krypton. Krypton had Dr. Pepper Red Fusion. They don’t have that on Earth anymore.

“Luckily, I’m not completely alone anymore. While others seem eager to attack me, Siobhan and Tom are helping me understand how this place works. They’re taking a risk even being with me. But I’m getting better at controlling my speed, so visiting them without anyone seeing me isn’t a problem.”

Of course, things like SOCIAL ETIQUETTE are lost on this sad ex-Kryptonian, who walks in on Tom wearing nothing but a towel. He’s absolutely ripped as shit, having spent much of his time in the void going to the gym. Supergirl says “Hello” in English, so we’re progressing! Tom wants some privacy, but then Siobhan walks in on them as well. One big, happy, sexually awkward family.

Tom still doesn’t get his privacy; he wants the two ladies in the room to spin around and face the wall while he dries off his dick and puts on some dang pants. Siobhan is like “This is my place, bro. Get yer ass in the bathroom” and she shoves him in there.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11

Sorry, ain’t no sex on Krypton. It’s all spores, my man.

Siobhan has to shove off to the cafe for work. Don’t get into any nookie while she’s gone. Or get into hella nookie, whatever floats your boat. Siobhan’s not your mom. In fact, go out on a date. She if she cares. She’ll even let you borrow a cute outfit! It’s one of those BAZINGA shirts! Have fun, sweetums.

Kara and Tom go to a pizza place in New York City. Tom, having never been anywhere in his life except Ireland and The Void, is quite looking forward to it.

Tom talks and talks and talks and talks (like some other Tom we all know), but obviously Kara can’t understand a damn word he says unless he says “hello”. She likes him anyway. She likes his voice.

Suddenly, she starts losing control of her senses again. Everything is so loud! Like a Swans concert! Holding her head, she gets up and tries to stumble out of the restaurant. Tom follows her, wondering if she’s ok.

Out on the street a shapeshifter masquerading as a cop puts his hand on Tom’s shoulder, says he’ll take it from here, and then he lifts Tom up by his neck and throws him out of the way! “This’ll be easier than I thought!” he proclaims. “The boss spent all that money on this sweet nanobot swarm-suit and the mission turns into a simple pickup and delivery!”

Yes, well, Tom tries to stop him but he’s a puny, jacked wuss and this guy has a fuckin’ nanobot swarm-suit! You do the math. Mr. Swarm-Suit punches Tom and covers him in some sort of shapeshifting goo stuff. Kara had donned her Supergirl outfit and has now plowed into Mr. Swarm-Suit with full force! Now she needs to throw him into orbit and the battle is complete! And–

“Slow down, honey,” says Mr. Swarm-Suit, grabbing her face.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11

–and now I shall cover you in gray poop!

Swarmy envelops Supergirl in gray goop, rendering her completely immobile, and flies her back to the ground. She uses the one weapon she has available at the moment, her laser eyes, and zaps the dickens out of him. Too bad it didn’t work, it only made him stronger, that old chestnut. In fact, now he’s going to start pulling out the big guns!

Mr. Swarm-Suit starts making copies of himself. The Swarmster! The Swarminator! Makin’ copies! And Supergirl is powerless against four foes at once, bless her cold little Kryptonian heart. And the copies keep multiplying, so she starts trying to take them out one by one before they can grow to full size. SKRAAK! WHAMM! SHRRAKK! WHAAM! WWHAMM! Augh, this bites! Swarm-Suit Prime grabs her neck and says that playtime is duly over.

“The boss said I get to keep the suit if I bring you in alive… so let’s end this before you scratch it up too much.”

Supergirl’s senses start overwhelming her again at the most inopportune of times, but she tries to shake it off. She uses x-ray vision to look into the guy’s skull, and right in the middle where a BRAIN is supposed to arguably be, there’s instead a blue ball of lava lamp gunk that she decides is the source of all his power. So, she zaps it. Right through the forehead. And the suit melts off the guy, revealing a puny twerp who falls to the ground groaning.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #11

It’s the gray poo! The poo is on me!

The gray shit was also on Tom, and it melts away. Supergirl, in English, touches his face tells him “hello”. A sweet moment if you’re some sort of circus clown from the swamp.

Before all the yokels show up to hoot and holler and take pictures of her, Supergirl grabs Tom and flies him back to Siobhan’s apartment. Siobhan is mad that she missed all the action, having had to spend all day serving coffee to hipsters in dreadlocks and horn-rimmed glasses.

“What bothers me is that he found me even though I was wearing your clothes,” Kara tells Siobhan, under the impression that it’s the clothes instead of, you know, facial features that cause people to recognize you. Kara doesn’t want to stay any longer because she doesn’t want to put the Irish Twins [Editor’s Note: They are not twins] in danger. She walks away whistling “It’s Gonna Be Me” by NSYNC [Editor’s Note: No she fucking doesn’t, idiot].

Siobhan and Tom understand that she’ll probably never see them ever again forever. Supergirl leaves to figure some shit out alone.

Final Thoughts

Meh.


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Sucky Funnies for October 13, 2024

Leaves are falling and it’s just about time to kick on my furnace for the first time of the season, which means I’ll discover that it’s broken again and I’ll have to call the guy with the wrench to come over to my house and hit it for an hour for $450.

But hey, at least I can seek solace in the hilarity of the Sunday funnies! What’s on tap today, ladies and gentlemen?

Pluggers

Pluggers - October 13, 2024

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Yes, we get it. We get it. Your average Plugger is a complete fucking slob who barely has enough energy to heft their bulk onto their Rascal Scooters and zip on down to the community center to pull the lever for Trump. But 10,000 calories? What is that, like eight Hungry Man meals? 20 Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes? 357 Marshmallow Peeps? Put the fork down, Karen from Farmersville, Texas, or else your equally slovenly husband won’t be able to scale your massive body to the top for forced, uncomfortable, heart attack-inducing sexual relations.

Stupid Pluggers.

Herb and Jamaal

Herb and Jamaal - October 13, 2024

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The joke here is that Jamaal doesn’t have enough hair to necessitate a haircut in the first place, but I’m fixated on the fact that Jamaal has no hair at all unless you count those little wisps on the side of his head that he could just shave off at home with a BIC razor in 30 seconds.

But here’s where the humor actually lies: Jamaal goes to get a haircut often enough to ask for a loyalty discount. This fucker visits the barbershop with enough frequency that he should understand the policy by now, but no. Like a braindead goldfish, he tries to haggle with the barber again about a reduction in price, a tradition he has indulged himself in every month for the last 35 years. Anyone else find that funny? Just me? Okay.

Tarzan

Tarzan - October 13, 2024

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There are so many of these serial comic strips that require keeping up lest you become lost forever. There is never any handholding, never any “previously on” segments, just a woman dressed vaguely like medieval Maleficent warning her clan of fancifully-dressed archers that, if Tarzan and his similarly mostly-naked horde of hairy elves crosses the bridge, they’ll have escaped harm forever. Who in the country is keeping up with the adventures of Tarzan?? Little Jimmy is playing Mario Kart, he doesn’t have time to read a comic strip that started almost 100 years before he was born. It’s ridiculous that this shit is still in syndication. It makes me want to poop right on my newspaper.

Although the idea of the Spock-eared elf having so little precious time to get away that he abbreviates “Tarzan” to “T’Zan” to save a modicum of breath is funny to me. It sounds like a stage name for his Wu-Tang Clan cover group, along with G of the Jungle. Werd.


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Season 9, Episode 1 – “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 1 - The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

“The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson”

Original Air Date:
September 21, 1997
Directed by:
Jim Reardon
Written by:
Ian Maxtone-Graham

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer must travel to New York to get his car back, which is illegally parked at World Trade Center Plaza.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

None! Not one! Not even in the Broadway musical! I can’t even ding the episode for an erroneous cameo by Cameron Diaz or *checks most popular people of 1997* Austin Powers, yeah baby.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

OK, I guess a bad way to start a new feature about the shittiest 25 years of The Simpsons is to spotlight the best episode of the post-classic era. This episode doesn’t suck at all! It’s actually quite good, and if you’re willing to go out of your comfort zone and watch the family in an exotic locale à la “Bart vs. Australia” or “You Only Move Twice” (which, I will admit, is sometimes tough), then “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson” will be your jar of pickled eggs! Minus the black one.

So, in the absence of things that actually suck about “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson”, mayhaps I’ll point out the highlights. The story is coherent all the way through, with a first act that logically flows into the actually meat of the story. The B-story with the rest of the Simpson family seeing the sights of New York City contrasts nicely with Homer dancing around needing to pee, confined to the Twin Towers plaza in a city he would actually like if he got to go to a Broadway show and visit the MAD Magazine headquarters.

The problem with this episode is that it’s lumped in with Season 9, the marked decline of the show. It would have been a fucking GREAT Season 8 finale! And then it wouldn’t have the vibe of a mediocre season with episodes like “All Singing, All Dancing” in it.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 1 - The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Due to the prominence of the World Trade Center in the plot, the episode was removed from syndication after the September 11 attacks. By 2006, the episode had come back into syndication in some areas; however, parts of the episode were often edited out. (Mainly when it cuts to any exterior shot of the towers is now not shown). One previously such edited item is a scene of two men arguing across Tower 1 and Tower 2, where a man from Tower 2 claims, “They stick all the jerks in Tower 1.” Bill Oakley commented in retrospect that the line was “regrettable”.
Yeah, this is some dumb shit. If you were born near or after 9/11/2001, then you may be completely unaware of just how much this American terrorist attack broke all the Boomer brains. They started editing out scenes with the Twin Towers from every movie and TV show that featured them. When they couldn’t remove scenes, they would airbrush out the towers. Episodes of TV shows were pulled from syndication. It was as if everyone was trying to pretend that they were never there in the first place, or that looking at a couple of buildings might be triggering. Any references to or depictions of terrorism, bombs, explosions and burning buildings were rewritten. It was an incredibly stupid period of an overly-frightened and coddled nation trying to be overcompensate by scaring everyone into staunch patriotism. Or something. I don’t even fucking know. Also, Bush’s approval rating soared to 90%! 90%! 90%! Anyway, calling jokes that you wrote four years before a terrorist attack “regrettable” is also stupid, especially since they weren’t “I’M GOING TO BOMB THIS BUILDING”-type jokes. Again, broken brains. What are ya gonna do?

The animators were told to make a detailed replica of the city. David Silverman was sent to Manhattan to take hundreds of pictures of the city and areas around the World Trade Center.
This was back in the days of Polaroids and Kodak disposable cameras! You had to take cameras and film into a drugstore and have them develop it for you. Isn’t that nuts?! ’90s!

The celebrity on trial in the Broadway musical “Kicking it” that Marge and the kids go see is based on Robert Downey Jr.
Oh, ok. I thought he was supposed to be Luke Perry. Let me check his Wikipedia page for a moment… … …no drugs, but cancer! No Betty Ford Center for you.

This is the first time that Lisa shushes.
Huh. Well I’ll be damned. She seems like the shushy type.

FINAL GRADE
A


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Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the Archie (Vol 2) Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4! In the previous installment, there’s a new girl in town! Her name is Veronica Lodge, and Archie wants to hit that so hard. SO hard, man. And Jughead’s quite annoyed about it, so he enlists Betty’s help into fixing their friend.

Eventually, Betty obliges. But it sounds like there are going to be some demons that she’ll be dredging up again…

HIGH SCHOOL MELODRAMA, BABY!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [January, 2016]
Written by: Mark Waid

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Archie plugs in his guitar and gets electrocuted to death. Nearly. In real life this kid would be a crisp, but in comic book life his best friend leans over his smoldering body and goes “Maybe acoustic today.”

As an apology, Jughead offers Archie half a candy bar called “Goo-Bar”, which Archie refuses sullenly and walks away from the garage.

“Jughead reminded me of something he didn’t mean to, but he did, and now it’s gonna be stuck in my head the rest of the day,” Archie tells the reading audience (ME!). “’It’ = the thing that broke up Betty and me. ‘It’ = ‘The Lipstick Incident’”

Oh boy! Do we finally get to know about how far up Archie’s butthole Betty pushed in that lipstick tube? All the way up, I’m guessing!

“You want to hear about it?” Archie asks me, as if he didn’t already know! YES! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIPSTICK BUTTHOLE!

Archie instead buries the lede by talking about how he and Betty have been friends since dinosaur times. He knows her better than anyone. Then things started to change… they started to, like, be teenagers with horomones and genitals and all sorts of other embarrassing things. One day, they accidentally fall down the hill and they do the roll-on-top-of-each-other thing that leads to some kissy-kissy.

“Promise me we’ll always stay this way,” Betty says. “Promise me you’ll stay the same.”

Archie agrees that he’ll act like a 17-year-old until the day he dies (at 17).

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Yeah, just wait until you start your career as an leech trapper after dropping out before graduation. Life won’t feel so perfect anymore.

Pretty soon it’s days of fireflies and watermelons. They share a Goo-Bar one day on a playground swing set, yucking it up like the two happiest kids in the world. Betty gets covered in Goo-Bar goo, which eventually turns into getting covered by ants. She runs to the nearby public restroom where Maria and Sheila are applying lipstick. Betty nudges her way between them to use the sink. In the adjacent men’s restroom, Archie can start overhearing the the two girls outside talking about how gross Betty is.

Archie is like “don’t talk smack about my girlfriend, you hoes.” Well, since Archie is actually popular for reasons that continue to escape me to this day, Maria and Sheila don’t want to make Archie mad. So, when Betty leaves the bathroom, they both invite her to hang out.

And it’s a date!

But, as it turns out, Maria and Sheila are kinda shitty to hang out with. Sheila calls Betty weird for having her mechanic hobby. They make fun of her music. They make fun of her old lady name. How does Lizzie sound instead?!

“Is there anything you like about me?” Betty grumbles.

“Love your name, Lizzie.”

NOW IT’S MAKEOVER TIME! *”Thieves Like Us” by New Order plays just like in Pretty in Pink when Molly Ringwald was making her own prom dress out of fuckin’ scraps*

They go to the mall and Betty hates everything she’s subjected to.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Eyebrow threading? What will they think of next? Waxing??

Betty gives up and hollers right in the middle of the mall. Maria assures her that all this bullshit is what’s needed to get high school guys to look at her. Even at all. Thread those eyebrows or you’ll stay a virgin forever.

Betty gets a call from Archie. It’s Movie O’Clock and Archie’s buyin’ the Mike & Ikes! FUCK MAN! Betty’s got a date and she looks like a slovenly mess of diarrhea! Betty doesn’t want to. This is just Archie, man. Lay off.

Later, Betty walks home from the mall looking all sexy, lips covered in some sort of incident. She catches the attention of all the neighborhood boys! Even the ugly ones! Especially the ugly ones! She smirks in satisfaction. Even later, Archie calls to tell Betty he’s ready to roll. Betty wants him to pick her up in his car even though she lives next door.

Archie shrugs and does what he’s fucking told. Betty answers the door looking like last year’s model!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

I’M READY FOR THE STURGIS MOTORCYLE RALLY!

Archie looks visibly uncomfortable as they enter the movie theater. He keeps looking around like he’s embarrassed to be with Betty.

“Split a Goo-Bar?” he asks her.

“NO. I don’t want to mess up my dress.”

The movie involves a metamorphosis, so it’s probably The Fly with Jeff Goldblum as the Fly. The Fly Guy screams about changing, and it prompts Archie to start thinking about all the good times with Betty over the years. Ice cream sandwiches and playful wedgies! Skipping rocks and video games and keying cars! And, of course, the promises not to change.

Archie looks very forlorn, and it’s not unnoticed. Betty tears up and runs out of the theater. And Archie runs after her, as boys do when presented with a situation where their girlfriend runs the fuck away from them crying.

“Why are you being so weird all of a sudden?” Betty cries.

“I’m weird? Look at you!”

Whoops! Not correct! Betty fucking smacks the kid with her purse. She accuses him of looking at girls who get dolled up just like this, and he says he can’t help it sometimes. And those girls are different. Betty isn’t those girls! Betty is Betty! Not Lizzie! Never Lizzie!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Keep your eyes peeling, friends! We’re at maximum incident!

Betty grabs the lipstick and swipes it across Archie’s whole face. “Funny,” she says quietly, getting right up close. “You’re still you.”

Then she runs off sobbing.

Better luck next time, Chumpus Prime.

Archie tries calling her as he walks home. No answer.

No answer.

No answer.

No.

…

uh

“We haven’t said a word to one another since,” Archie says, bringing us all back to the present. “I miss her.”

He returns to the garage to find Jughead had left. Packing it in for the day, he vocally laments the end of band practice.

“That’s a shame,” says a voice from the driveway. “I’ve love to hear you play.”

Veronica smiles. Archie straps on his guitar…

Jughead eats an enormous Dagwood sandwich in Betty’s house as she watches Archie and Veronica from the window. “Don’t sweat it,” Jughead says, taking a bite. “Have confidence. We’re here to discuss our infallible anti-Veronica plan.”

And who’s here to help? King fuckface himself, Reggie Mantle! That greasy sonofabitch.

Final Thoughts

THE LIPSTICK INCIDENT WAS A LETDOWN. The whole thing was just “having lipstick on”! Boo! Archie, you’re fired!

I think Veronica is better for him anyway. She’s rich. She can buy him a clue, girlfriend! *snap snap*

Also, kudos to Mark Waid for once. This is all pretty good. I have nothing funny to add to that. Sorry.


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