Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Aphra pays about $1,000,000,000 credits to Ante for information about Luke Skywalker’s whereabouts. Darth Vader and Thanoth, along with about 1,000,000,000 stormtroopers, bust into the joint and kill Ante just after he divulges information about the Plasma Devils’ whereabouts. They also intend to capture Aphra, but Vader helps her escape.

How much longer can Darth Vader keep this up?! His stomach is surely writhing in stress-borne anxiety! Will he throw up in the Dark Lord’s toilet for fifty panels to close out the storyline? Or will he stroke his dick? Do you think his dick wears a helmet too?

Where was I? Oh yes.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12 [January, 2016]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 6)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12

Darth Vader is aboard his ship, the U.S.S. Mossy Pussy. They’re chasing Aphra through the big cloudy Anthan Prime storm. “The bombers with ion torpedoes are ready to make their pass through the cloud Lord Vader,” says that dingbat Thanoth. “We’ll either drive her out or disable the ship, then drag her clear.”

Aphra is struggling to get through the storm. Struggling hard. Very hard. Rock hard.

Thanoth thinks that once they capture the girl, they’ll capture her patron! Brrrt!! He thinks there must’ve been an accomplice who tipped her off about all this. Vader thinks this chase is a waste of time. Dancing with the Stars is on in five minutes! Thanoth is appalled! First of all, Dancing with the Stars is lowbrow entertainment. Second of all, why is this chase a waste? Why the distaste, Space Face?

“We have a ready strike force. We have the location of the Plasma Devils. And we are here, chasing a simple thief.”

Thanoth slaps his forehead! This is true! This chase is small potatoes! Plasma Devils, those are the Big Cheeses right now! But hey! The Ante is dead and everyone will be in a tizzy, including the Plasma Devils! They’ll uproot and scatter elsewhere! But the girl! Oh, the girl! The girl is right here in front of us! So let’s go for it! And…! No! We must follow those Devils!

“Fine, whatever, just stop talking you horse’s asshole,” says Lord Vader… in my headcanon. He agrees with Thanoth, although Attorney Surgeon General of the House of Representatives Tagge will not be happy with either of them. And be that as it may, fuck that guy!

The chase for the Plasma Devils will commence!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12

Perhaps someday your mustache will abandon your nostrils, Inspector.

O-O-O reports to Aphra that the Imperial ships are setting a new course. Aphra takes a breath. “I’m going to live.”

“For now, Mistress Aphra,” O-O-O chimes in happily. Aphra makes the biggest frown that I’ve seen since my Nightwing days! That Dick Grayson is a punk.

THE THANTEEN SUBSTRATA, ANTHAN 1. Or at least the outskirts. Thanoth foresees a problem: the dang clouds are in the way. They can see a base, but they can’t sneak up on it nor can they make a great getaway if they were to be attacked. Our only hope is to go home to our Hormel chili dinners! Barring that, they can bombard the western tunnels and Vader will take care of the Eastern Seaboard! Hut hut hike!

Those Space Devils or whatever are hanging around doing nothing when an alarm goes off. Shit! So much for having time for a graceful escape. Now what? Scatter like rats! Hut hut hut hut hut hut hike!

Standing on the eastern end, Vader is able to destroy a small single-person ship by throwing a lightsaber at it. This takes four pages to accomplish, so you assuredly will get your money’s worth on this comic book here. “There is no escape,” Vader says gruffly to no one in particular.

So that’s that!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12

Hormel chili time!

Once the threat has been eliminated and the mission reported, the briefing is met with much indignation. “That wasn’t your mission,” says Morit, aka Twin #1. Thanoth is like “fuck you, nerd” to this kid. Captain Sideburns does congratulate the success of that particular mission, but LAMBASTS the dark helmeted one for letting the thief get away scott free. Now she’s somewhere, which could be anywhere, and now we’re all nowhere! Arrrrghh!

Darth Vader cops to it, surprisingly, but justifies it with splendor and aplomb. “Chasing after a few coins or crushing the Rebels? That is not a choice.”

After thinking for a few hundred thousand million moments, Captain Sideburns (aka the Boss Man) decides that Vader made the correct call on this one. The twins scowl and grump.

Mr. Squid, Karbin, the Admiral Ackbar species, is supposed to be chasing down Luke Skywalker but he fucking sucks at it. No progress whatsoever. Disappointing.

Grand General Whatshisname Sideburns dismisses the group; Thanoth and Vader have another congenial chat as they walk through the corridors. Thanoth sucks Vader’s limp little white fish dick about how he didn’t throw him under the bus, to which Vader says matter-of-factly “I do not fear any of these fools.”

“It’s a shame the thief escaped, of course.”

“Do not worry, Thanoth… she will not escape justice.”

Meanwhile, Aphra – escaping justice – hangs out in a cave with her murderous droid friends. O-O-O warns her that withholding information about Luke’s whereabouts and manipulating Vader is blackmail. “He was quite clear on what would result.”

Aphra looks rather forlorn. Then Vader shows up and she forgets to look forlorn some more.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12

Aphra… your own mustache is captivating.

“Vrogas Vas. The boy’s on Vrogas Vas,” she says forlornly. We’re back to forlornliness! But she tells Vader that, to avoid getting killed, her instincts told her to show him that she’s trustworthy. “I want to work for you. I’ve shown you what I can do. I can’t do anything for you when I’m dead. You’ll keep me alive… Hopefully.”

Vader does that thing where he compliments her and then tells her that she better not make him regret his compliments. Like, if he shows any sign of genuine appreciation then his little white fish dick might suck itself up into his own body. Then he wonders out loud why Luke might be on Vrogas Vas. It’s a stupid planet for dumb people, honestly. What’s the point?

“No idea,” responds Aphra. “There’s some old Jedi temple there. Maybe sight-seeing?”

Vader tells her that, no, idiot, there’s no temple there. Then he does that thing where he tells her that he’ll kill her if this turns out to be a trick. Then he leaves on his TIE fighter. Aphra gets nervous because, obviously, oh shit, how will she know for sure that it isn’t a trick? Damn.

Elsewhere, Karbin has caught wind of Vader’s trip to Vrogas Vas. Karbin was headed there anyway! But Karbin is one step ahead, oh Karbin is indeed. All like, USURP MY MISSION, WILL YOU? I WILL USURP YOUR FACE!

So Karbin intends to follow Vader to the planet and then maybe kill him nice and good and dead.

lol

Final Thoughts

THAT DARTH VADER WILL ASSUREDLY GET KILLED BY SOME GUY NAMED KARBIN. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. Move along, nothing to see here, people.


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Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Player Piano

Welcome to the Book Bonfire, where everything is made up and the books don’t matter! Oh boy, do I have a treat for you today, my fine, feathered friends. I’ve decided to tackle Kurt Vonnegut’s bibliography in chronological order, starting with the early-installment-weirdness of Player Piano. Yes, that’s right. Player Piano. You’ve never read it, but I have! And I quite enjoyed most of it. Some of it was kind of meh, but the dude wrote this in his twenties. Haven’t you ever read other books by people in their twenties? No, you haven’t. Nobody writes books in their twenties. It has never happened. Except now, with Player Piano. You following me here?

No? Good. This book covers the well-worn topic of machines taking jobs away from people. It doesn’t involve death robots or anything like that, although that would be pretty sweet. Instead, it focuses on the high-and-mighty and indispensable — by design, not necessarily in reality — job positions of engineers and managers and how they’re the ones sitting on the pedestal while technicians, secretaries, and various other low-paying jobs can be replaced with automatons. Never do they actually focus on the machines. In fact, nearly the whole book follows the journey of Doctor Paul Proteus, engineer and manager, as he becomes disillusioned with the progression of technology to the point of sabotage. Pushed to the point of midlife crisis, Paul rethinks his life as an elite member of this dystopian society and yearns for a simpler existence. A simpler existence not just for him, but for society in general. Far out, man.

“Do you hear that? That’s the sound of machinery, gentleman. Rusty, grinding machinery. And it sounds like two robots fucking. And it’s beautiful.”
– Paul

People always say that Vonnegut’s works foretold an accurate depiction of the future. Well, his future at any rate. This was written in 1952, amazingly, but it doesn’t feel that old. The idea of machines replacing basic human technical jobs is a reality now and has (as does) threatened many industrial workers’ livings. Player Piano takes the idea of progress and treats it as the Big Bad in of itself. By the end of the book, all the engineers and managers who were part of the revolution to overthrow progress are happily considering a life without technology at all. They discuss wood-burning stoves and ice boxes… until the group decides to rebuild and refurbish a broken, old “Orange-O” drink machine, hinting at these peoples’ inherent drive to fix, improve, and progress. It’s this knowledge that causes the Ghost Shirt Society members (and semi-unwilling member Paul) to turn themselves into the authorities. It was worth a try!

I’m by no means a manager, but I am an engineer, and I spent a lot of this book sympathizing with Paul as he becomes increasingly disengaged from his job. My favorite part of Player Piano is when Paul is appointed captain of a team-building retreat group (“Blue!”) and needs to pretend to give a shit. It’s at this point where Paul musters up the strength to quit, but instead gets haplessly roped up into a conspiracy to overthrow the Ghost Shirt Society beyond his control. This is the stuff that reminds me of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy or Discworld, where human characters are thrown into these absurd situations. It was like this:

“You’re our man, Proteus!” said Kroner.
“I’m your man,” Paul replied gloomily.

Love that shit.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Compare technology in the future society that Kurt Vonnegut imagined in 1952 to today’s technology.

“This thing can play checkers? The hardest game in the world to master?? I’m doomed!”
– Paul

There’s a very amusing scene where Paul Proteus is challenged to a checkers match during a company party. Paul, apparently, is the undisputed checkers champion of upstate New York! And some young up-and-coming piece of shit engineer named Fred Berringer has brought with him a giant refrigerator of a computer named “Checker Charley”. Checker Charley can kick anyone’s ass at checkers, and we’re about to see poor Paul get his ass handed to him on a rose gold platter. At first, he doesn’t even want to try. Machines are infallible! He gets convinced to play, though, and play he does. The machine fails miserably. Chalked up to a faulty connection, the machine smokes and fizzles out as Paul wins the match. Everyone celebrates Paul’s triumph as man over machine (except for Berringer, who bitches and moans about his poor checkers-playing hunk of junk).

Checker Charley predates the development of Deep Blue by 35 years. Now, I’m not one to do “research” to prepare these godawful blog posts, but was there any kind of computer that was designed to compete in games before Deep Blue? If not, that’s impressive of Vonnegut’s part. Not to mention that artificial intelligence has gotten exponentially more sophisticated since even Deep Blue. I don’t have to tell you. You’re using a computer right now!

If the computer system could be improved so that everyone’s talents were measured truly and accurately, would the society portrayed in the novel be acceptable? Why or why not?
This is a tough one, because I can’t help but sometimes have the opinion that the world should be run by the smart, altruistic people and NOT the smart, selfish people. And ESPECIALLY not the dumb, selfish people. I mean, Jesus.

“I’d like to say that Hitler had the right idea. But, honestly, Hitler had a lot of right ideas.”
– Paul

So, if I count selflessness as a talent then yes, as long as everyone’s talents were measured truly and accurately then the world wouldn’t be run by the rich… well, that’s not true, since the highly talented would be rich as a result. And the poor and untalented would be despondent and possibly form a coup that will fail because they’re all dumb. Hmmm… and the rich and smart will ultimately become corrupted by the money and start euthanizing the dumb in order to create a super-race of intelligent human beings from eugenics and genocide.

You know what? Forget I said anything. Some alien should blow up the Earth and get it over with already.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’ve read exactly eight other Vonnegut books in college, which was already way over a decade ago, so I don’t exactly remember the style that he ended up locking into and how it might be different from the early-installment weirdness of Player Piano. I was worried at first when Paul was jerking off about the whirring of machinery for 30 pages, but then the book picked up and maintained a steady, entertaining pace. That is, until it started falling apart near the end with the Ghost Shirt Society stuff. I didn’t like that too much! It seemed aggressively out of place compared to the soft sci-fi of the rest of the book.

But yes, this was very enjoyable. Vonnegut published this when he was 30! I’m quite a few years behind already on my first novel, entitled “The Mars Snakes vs. the Jupiter Snakes”. I don’t have to tell you who’s going to win the war!


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15 – “Crushed (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 3 of the Crushed storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15 – “Crushed (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Kamala and Kamran bond for a bit over their Inhuman-ness, but Kamran turns out to be one of those stone cold asshole Inhumans who think they’re better than regular humans, and Kamala ain’t havin’ that nonsense. Also, Aamir brutally tells Bruno that he and Kamala will never get together because they’re from two different worlds, bro! Heh heh heh.

Kamran knocks Kamala out and she wakes up in a strange lair of someone called Lineage, who looks like an octopus-headed red devil wearing a suit. We don’t know much about him yet. Let’s find out more!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15 [July, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Crushed (Part 3)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Lineage welcomes Kamala again and motions toward old friends Kamran and Kaboom. Kaboom has a neck brace like a nerd.

Kamala is like YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY. YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY FOR 17 HOURS AND THEN YOU ALMOST KISS AND THEN HE ZAPS YOU AND THROWS YOU IN A LOCKED ROOM. YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY. She calls Kamran gross. He doesn’t deny it, but he does point out that that’s not how Kamala felt last night when he was ready to do the penis in the vagina thing if she was, as the kids say, DTF.

“I never thought anything like this would happen!” Kamala whines.

“Who’s going to believe that?” responds a punchably smug Kamran. “You got in the car of your own free will. As far as anybody knows, you chose to be here. You put yourself in this situation.”

Can’t argue with logic when it’s presented to you so concretely and succinctly, I always say. Kamala’s eyes bug out about this revelation. “Is he right?” she thinks. “Is this my fault? Is this what I deserve?”

Ah, the gaslighting commences!

I take back what I said about Octopus Head. It actually looks more like a, uh, a bunch of pointy crystals. “Kamran only wants what’s best for you, Kamala,” he says, lifting her chin. “Same goes for me. You’re a very powerful Inhuman, kid. You deserve to forge your own path, not take orders from a big dog and a queen on a power trip.” Ah, he’s referring to Lockjaw and Queen Medusa! I pay attention! Who says I don’t?? I will punch their butt.

In short, Lineage wants Kamala to be part of the Inhumans Rule and Humans Drool family. And what if she says no? I’ll tell you what happens if she says no. Lineage gets snarly. That’s really about it. He sneers like Elvis.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Bruno’s gonna be hanging from a meat hook by his anus in about 15 minutes.

Kamala tries to keep him talking while fumbling around her coat pocket less-than-surreptitiously for her phone and calling up Bruno, who is sitting in chemistry class getting taught by Rick Sanchez. Two rings and then a hang up on his phone, which is code for SOMEONE IS RAPING ME OR MAYBE SOMETHING NOT AS SERIOUS AND AWFUL, BUT STILL HELP PLEASE. Bruno books it from class and he’s on his way to help!

Lineage, obviously, notices Kamala moving her hand in her coat frantically and brazenly. “What’s that in your pocket?” he asks. “Definitely not a cell phone,” she answers.

“I’ve thought about your offer,” she continues, throwing the phone at his head. “My answer is no.” Then she starts running, huffing and puffing, while the three baddies give chase! Meanwhile, Bruno is belting down the streets of Jersey City like a fucking lunatic, pushing everyone out of the way, screaming into his phone to get a GPS lock on the girl of his dreams, and finding out that Kamala’s currently in New Attilan, the home of the Inhumans. What’s she doing there??

Does Bruno know about her powers? I don’t remember. I don’t think so? Maybe? Could be? Possibly? I don’t know. Fuck it.

Kamala runs down the hallways of whatever facility she’s trapped within. Kaboom tries to spark her ass and ends up catching up with her. The sparks have rendered Kamala’s powers currently useless. She has to run now with tiny little Kamala-sized legs. Darn.

Kamala heads toward the two lumpy-headed jail cell guards. She slides through them less-than-gracefully.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Getting road rash is a fantastic start!

More running and escaping continues. She finds the training room and unlocks it with her handprint. “Initiate Kamala Khan training program. Legendary module.” She waits in the room, arms akimbo with satisfaction, while Kaboom catches up. “Legendary module initiatied,” the computer says as a dozen very large, grotesque monsters and robots appear before Kaboom’s eyes. They all zap her with lasers and shit while Kamala escapes out the door.

Meanwhile, Bruno is using a big stick to steer a tiny little boat while the owner of the boat yells at him. After slowly making his way to New Attilan, Bruno is like “well, now what?” The New Attilan guards stop Bruno is his tracks. “Whoa, hey, whoa! I’m cool! Queen Medusa knows me!” he stammers while the guards shove large pointy sticks in his direction. Then they grab him with the intention of throwing him in the brig. So much for a rescue! Dingus.

No longer being persued, Kamala runs around the halls looking for a doorway out. Everything looks the same, she gets lost, she finds a dead end. “Hi. You look lost,” says Kamran the Jerkhole.

“What do you want me to say, Kamran? You won? You outsmarted me? You’re right about everything? Fine. Whatever. You won. Now let me leave.”

AU CONTRAIRE, SISTER. Kamran wants you to march your butt back into Lineage’s office and apologize for making Kamran look like a fool. Kamran turns all translucent-y and winds up for a punch. It’s at this point that Kamala no longer feels guilty about breaking Kaboom’s neck. “You want a showdown?” she says. “You want to pretend this is the big climactic battle of your own personal action film? Fine with me.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Rawr!

She grows her hand to the size of a watermelon and crushes Kamran’s fist. She throws him against a wall. It’s Ms. Marvel time! “I thought you were this romantic hero. But you’re not even a villain. You’re just a bad guy’s lackey in a pair of nice shoes.”

You go gurlfriend. Real queen shit. She tries punching him with an enormous fist and misses somehow. Kamran pulls out a little glowing marble and throws it in Ms. Marvel’s direction. She grabs it and feels it starting to explode, so she squeezes the bejeezes out of it. And then she throws it back at Kamran. “GAAAH!” he screams in large red letters, and then he’s like “YOU WIN THIS ROUND, BHHHAAAAAAAA!!!” while Kamala runs away.

Lineage strolls on over to the smoldering Kamran. “I’m just gonna come out and say it, big guy – I’m disappointed,” he says fatherly. Kamran cries and all but begs for forgiveness. He asks if he should start going after Kamala again, but Lineage says no for some reason. “See what she does next. There are other ways to make her pay.”

Anti-climactic!

Kamran points out that Kamala’s the only Khan with Inhuman powers. Her whole bloodline out of their control if they lose her. Lineage tells him that, no, she ISN’T the only Khan with Inhuman powers! Cliffhanger!

It’s going to be Aamir with the power of pooping his pants at will.

Ms. Marvel rounds a corner and sees Bruno being held up by the back of his shirt by two burly, manly guard men. “Hey, Ms. Marvel. Got your missed call. I came to help,” he says with a sheepish grin. So Ms. Marvel kicks the guards, grabs Bruno by the shirt, and runs off. Looking for a way out is a bust again… until they find a garbage chute.

They land in the river. Everything’s fine now.

Kamala starts losing it a little. Bruno hugs her and she spills everything that’s been bugging her over the last few issues. Bruno promises to pick Kamran up by the hair and drop-kick him. Kamala feels like her heart is broken. Even though, again, she only knew this guy for half a day.

She appreciates Bruno’s friendship, though! The end.

Final Thoughts

Good story! I like the part where the handsome love interest was a total jerk and Ms. Marvel handed his ass to him on a platter made out of shit.

Only one more story from the Marvel NOW! Ms. Marvel series. I’m pretty sure I’m going to find some other Kamala Khan in the future. That girl has got it goin’ on.


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Maniac – Pharmaceutical Experiments and Elves

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Maniac, Miniseries (2018) (Netflix)

Maniac
Just like Mr. Robot, Maniac is a series that blipped its way onto my radar due to my extreme love of Severance and my desire to find anything and everything that is similar.

I purposely avoiding reading anything about the show before diving in. Did it work for me? Find out by reading on, or you can just as well click that X in the top right of your screen. That’ll work too.

The Premise

Robot poop cleaners milling about the sidewalks, people paid to be walking advertisements, tiny apartments with Star Trek-like desk consoles. Jonah Hill as the schizophrenic and depressed Owen, the black sheep of a very wealthy family. His brother is on trial for sexual misconduct. Emma Stone as a down and out lowkey junkie, Annie, with borderline personality disorder. Both, for their own reasons, decide to participate in an experimental pharmaceutical study that claims it can cure all mental disorders with a series of three pills: ‘A’, ‘B’, and ‘C’. They’re grouped with other similar sad sacks and get strapped up to these machines that cause them to confront their demons through alternate personas. A mishap in the lab causes Owen and Annie to be bonded together in every dream scenario, creating an unusual friendship via an accidental connection.

Maniac

Owen… I hated you in Superbad. I liked ME better in Superbad.

The B-plot involves Justin Theroux as Dr. James K. Mantleray, a complete basket case of a scientist with crippling mommy issues who oversees the experiment. His mother, Dr. Greta Mantleray (Sally Field), is a world-renowned psychologist who is tasked with treating GRTA, the super-computer modeled after Greta’s intelligence and personality, who reacts strongly to the death of the original scientist overseeing the experiment. It gets a bit convoluted.

The series ends with Owen testifying truthfully in court about his brother’s crimes and Annie patching up a touchy relationship with a grief-stricken father, both fulfilling the “confrontation” part of their experiment. Annie busts Owen out of a mental health facility and the two travel to Salt Lake City together. Nothing about the series or the ending suggests a sexual relationship, but these two are totally going to bone in Mormon Land. The end.

Maniac

It’s like 2001: A Spacy Odyssey except fuckin’ Justin Theroux is in the way.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

To say the least, this was a disappointment. The first two episodes were great! The worldbuilding was pretty cool, with this retro-futuristic setting that reminded me of Back to the Future Part II‘s idea of a not-quite-so far off future. I liked seeing these miserable characters meander a little bit through their lives before submitting themselves to the psychological pharmaceutical study, with the details behind Owen’s family’s predicament and his desire to escape his life, and Annie’s dysfunctional family situation and her desire to escape her life. I liked the setup of the study environment, where the participants are all assigned little sleeping cubbies and white pajamas and the rooms were filled with retro computer equipment and scientists with really shitty outdated glasses. I liked the whole backstory with Annie’s sister’s death after she takes the “A” pill. This was all fantastic stuff.

Maniac

Bankrupt business in the front, really shitty party in the back.

I thought that I was going to get more of the same throughout: character studies of these two young hot messes and the past events that shaped them to be who they are today and why they are compatible with each other based on reality. The show lost me completely on Episode 4, the first shared fantasy episode. Owen plays mulleted Bruce. Annie plays non-mulleted Lin (but still mulleted in her heart). They are a married couple who engage in a nutso sitcom-caliber plot about a stolen lemur that Lin needs to recover for a hospice patient before it’s made into a hat. It was not only wholly uninteresting, but I felt like I was cheated out of some real character development.

Episode 5 had these two become the personas of Ollie and Arlie, two debonair con artists from the 1940s who join an occult party in order to find some sort of magical Don Quixote book pages. It felt like yet another disposable story from an episode of, say, Psych. Again, Ollie and Arlie are alternate reality personas with alternate reality characterizations that do nothing to forward the plot nor their engaging characters. And it happens again and again. Owen becomes the son of a mafia family, then an Icelandic UN agent who accidentally kills an alien. Annie becomes an elf in a fantasy epic, then a CIA sleeper agent. I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored.

Maniac

I think Bobby Hill read this series once.

The side plot with Justin Theroux’s character was marginally more interesting, but there was a certain element of creepiness with his relationship with Sally Field that I found too off-putting to become invested in. I didn’t like that he built the computer to resemble his mother. I didn’t like how weird and sweaty and stressed he got around her. I didn’t like his relationship with fellow colleague, the stick-up-her-butt Dr. Azumi Fujita. It all served to remind me that I was getting cheated out of two characters I found appealing.

I did understand, and therefore appreciate, the meaning behind the alternate reality dreams. Owen’s theme was family turmoil. Annie’s theme was dead sister guilt. This was meant to be their brains’ way of working through and confronting their issues head on and, due to an accident with the wiring, they both happened to be sharing their experiences. That’s cool on paper, and could’ve been cool on screen, but the narrative didn’t land. It was instead presented as an episodic anthology. Even THAT is cool on paper! Jonah Hill and Emma Stone have good acting range! They can play different characters! But no, it was instead dull and meandering and inessential. Much like my blog posts.

Maniac

Maniac may cause cerebral hemorrhaging and excessive nosebleeds.

Thankfully, the experiment was over at the beginning of Episode 10 and everyone could get back to their lives. Needless to say, it picked up again for these final 37 minutes. Owen testified in court and threw his sexual predator brother under the sexual predator bus. Annie confronted her father, who was a totally cool and easygoing Hank Azaria, by the way, and they both discussed Annie’s sister and mother. In the end, Annie decides that it was worth keeping hers and Owen’s relationship going, and she convinces him to bust out of the loony bin. I liked all that stuff. THAT’S character development! That’s what I wanted the whole time!

I suppose, in the end, I was looking for something eerie like Severance. Maniac had the potential to be eerie, but they went in a completely different direction with it instead. And it just wasn’t my thing.

Worth the Watch?

Most of the reviews and opinions are overwhelmingly positive, so don’t let my pissy wet blanket ruin your good time. Odds are wonderful in your favor that YOU, yourself, the dipshit reading this, are going to like it tremendously! Action romance thrills suspense mental disorders intrigue and mullets! Go nuts.


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Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6 – “Chapter Six: St. Patrick’s Day”

* Part 6 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6 – “Chapter Six: St. Patrick’s Day”! In the previous installment, Batman and Catwoman spend some time together and then they spend some time together out of costume and neither knows each other’s secret identities, which is insane to me.

A car full of Falcone’s men get killed! Not the car. The car doesn’t get killed, but the men do. Chalk another up for Holiday! He is someone to admire, that’s for certain.

Bruce Wayne gets seduced by Poison Ivy, who all but spreads her legs and wraps them around his butt in the universal gesture of courtship.

Anything else? Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent weren’t able to question Bruce Wayne yet about his Falcone connection, but I’m sure we’ll also not get that at all in this issue either!

OK, that’s enough.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6 [May, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Six: St. Patrick’s Day”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6

A guard turns the key in a locked cell. “Step away from the door” he says to a pair of eyeballs in the dark. Early parole for this lucky so-and-so at Gotham Penitentiary. She – yes, a woman! Women can be criminals too, as it turns out! — returns to Carmine Falcone’s office. “I’ve missed you, Poppa,” she says. “You have been away too long, my daughter. The family needs you now. I need you,” says Carmine.

Yeah, this broad is gonna be dead in about six pages.

Bruce Wayne, now the Gotham City Bank President, has to sit in on his monthly BORED MEETING, get it? He speaks, but it’s like someone else is talking. In short, the bank and Falcone Imports should do business together. He’s given the go-ahead of a $350,000,000 wire transfer right to Falcone’s bulging pockets. The other board members are thrilled, but what’s with the change of heart??

…

Bruce Wayne leaves through the elevator in a haze. Here’s his change of heart: Poison Ivy’s scratchy, itchy pussy has gotten to his brain! As Bruce leaves the bank, Selina “Scratchy Itchy” Kyle tries to get his attention with no success. When Bruce opens his car door, Selina notices that’s filled with… gasp… ivy.

Back at the precinct, Gordon and Dent pore over their case. Bodies are piling up, and Dent is excited that the mafia families are killing each other. Makes less work for them! Gordon disagrees because he’s a “good cop” (there’s no such thing).

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6

The Jackson Pollock painting here is right! You stink, Dent!

“What do you want to do about Bruce Wayne?” Dent asks. “With what we suspect about the connection to the Roman, we could hurt them.”

Jim Gordon talks about Chicago instead for a minute, the parade downtown and turning the river green for St. Patrick’s Day. That actually happens, they dump gallons of dye into the river every year. Isn’t that fucked up?

This St. Patrick’s Day ain’t green, though, Dent. It’s red. Blood red. Holiday is gonna strike again and they’re no closer to figuring out who it is than they were five months ago, gawddurnit. So, I guess Gordon’s point is to stop focusing on Bruce Wayne and focus on Salvatore Maroni. That guy is the cheese today.

Whatshisface is eavesdropping outside the office. Vernon the Nerd. The assistant, the one in Maroni’s pocket. He’s going to get a meat hook in his butthole Action Jackson-style if he keeps this up.

Elsewhere, Carmine’s sister Carla is shooting her gun for fun into a piece of paper with a target on it. It looks like she’s in her kitchen. Carmine’s daughter, Sofia, pays her a visit. They hug. Drat that Carmine, he never said anything about getting busted out of da joint! Give your auntie a kiss now, sugar.

Carla shows Sofia the gun that killed Alberto. She “forgot” to give the evidence to the police. It’s the same gun that was used to kill her son, Johnny. “I’m going to use this gun, Sofia. I’m going to get this cafone ‘Holiday’.”

Sofia is about seventeen feet taller than her aunt. She tells her that their going to hit Maroni on St. Patrick’s Day. “Poppa believes that Maroni either is Holiday or knows who it is.” And on top of that, money is flowing from the bank. All is good in the Falcone family right now! Except all the sudden murders, that is, I guess.

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is having a lovely dinner in his manor with his sweetie.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6

My sensitive ivy is all a-flutter!

Things go well until Catwoman trespasses and breaks and enters and runs along the table and starts trying to beat up Poison Ivy. “You’re like a weed that’s come into someone else’s yard,” Catwoman says, kicking Ivy’s face. “A weed that needs to be torn out by the roots!”

Bruce grabs her neck and tells to stop. Catwoman, instinctively, lets out a “MRROW!” And then she starts trying to rip Bruce to shreds with her cat claws, and his chest bursts open to reveal all this fucking ivy. Then he collapses. And Poison Ivy has disappeared.

At 5:02am, a whole bunch of people get shot and then a chandelier falls and people die. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

That morning, when reasonable people are awake, Sofia and her driver approach Maroni’s house only to find it already broken into. “Someone beat us to the punch,” she says. “This changes things.”

That night, Catwoman is playing with the Batsignal and summons Batman to the roof. He tells her to knock it the fuck off before he gets the spray bottle.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #6

HE’S IDENTICAL FROM THE NOSE TO THE CHIN! FIGURE IT OUT, ALREADY!

“Why? Why do you help?” Batman asks her.

“In time. You’ll see.” Catwoman flips away.

“I… am no longer in the green,” Batman thinks. “Poison Ivy is no longer in my system. But, her spell made me do… things that will have to be repaired. The bank. My reputation. I… owe Catwoman much…”

We end with Mr. Carmine Falcone pushing a stack of money over to Poison Ivy on the other side of his desk. “If it hadn’t been for Catwoman’s unexpected interference… think of how much more we could have accomplished,” she says.

“Miss Ivy. If there’s one thing I learned in business… it’s to expect the unexpected.”

Final Thoughts

WELL THAT SETTLES THAT. I’d bone Poison Ivy, probably. Dude should’ve stayed addled.


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